#but at least I fucking know I am

[convoy914]

Here's what the anti-censorship, pro-filtering crowd are actually worried about:

Minorities are going to write stories with racist villains, and those villains might use slurs. Should that be banned from AO3?

Child sexual assault survivors might want to tell their own stories to process their trauma. They aren't going to hurt real children while doing it and might not pull any punches to avoid diluting the horror of what happened to them. Should those stories be banned?

Transgender writers are going to write stories where their protagonists suffer from transphobic hate crimes and microaggressions. Should those stories be banned?

Figure out a solution that won't get innocent people caught in the crossfire because the far right wants to shut those perspectives down, and THEN we'll listen.

But sure, keep parroting Far Right Propaganda about how sinful and evil AO3 is! I'm sure that won't backfire when homophobes push to have queer coming of age stories labelled as child porn!

OOOO, lots of whataboutisms. You seem to be under the impression that it’s one or the other. That it’s necessary to keep things as they are in order to prevent The Dark Ages. That the Holy A03 is tho only bastion against the Evil Puritans. That people won’t be able to tell. Why is that, exactly? Why do you assume that it has to be one or the other?

But sure, let’s play this game: If we ban white people for saying the N-Slur on Twitter, then what about black people who say it? If we ban pedophiles from Twitter, will that mean banning people who talk about their experiences? And as for the commonly repeated “it’s actually survivors” thing, okay sure. Why do they need to SHARE it? Why is that part necessary? I have never gotten an answer there. Do you have an answer? Depiction is NOT automatically endorsement but in the cases where it clearly IS, or will in fact cause harm because, guess what, tagging doesn’t magically solve all problems, putting it out there for everyone to see won’t actually help and has more risk of harm than anything else, then it’s absurd to suggest that we NEED to keep ALL of it. ESPECIALLY, might I add, when it’s porn or REAL CHILDREN that they refuse to take down.

Frankly, the idea that being against CHILD PORN is “far right homophobia” is insulting. It is fucking deranged that we’re at the point where people are using right wing arguments about censorship to whine about even the slightest amount of moderation and then acting like the people who call out this hypocritical nonsense are the “real” conservatives. Because that’s all this is: The same exact arguments I hear against moderation on Twitter, the same “it’s just fiction” excuse I hear from lolicons, the same hypocrites that calls themselves “anti-harassment” and then harass the hell out of actual children. WE’RE the ones using “far right” arguments? YOU’RE the one fearmongering about what will happen if we try to introduce even the slightest amount of moderation. If we even TRY to sift through what’s endorsement and what isn’t, because clearly that’s impossible. To even TRY to improve A03 somewhat, because if we do that then it’s the second age of homophobia

Look, I’m not going to deny that things were hard and this website was founded for a reason. Mostly, it’s incredibly helpful. But it’s gotten to the point where people react violently to the suggestion that their precious anarchist website might have some flaws, that maybe a LITTLE moderation would be helpful, and to the point where they’re defending ANY depiction of child porn or anything else because it’s either that or the homophobes win. How do you COME to that conclusion? How do you tell yourself, with a straight face, that leaving ALL of that up there is somehow “protecting” people? There comes a point where the reaction to something is just as bad as the thing it was reacting against, and this cult-like devotion to a website and all the hoops you’ll jump through to pretend like there’s no other way is definitely one of those cases.

Anyways, when I call this “cult-like”, I’m not being facetious. I know how this works: Feed people stuff that sounds reasonable while hiding the true intent, slowly normalize to that idea, and then we get what you’ve just done: Defending leaving ANY depiction of these things up because there’s definitely no other way, using the exact same “it’s just fiction” excuse that lolicons and their ilk use, acting like it HAS to be a “one or the other” based on what you IMAGINE Conservative Christianity to be like (which, might I add, is the exact same thing exclusionists do to justify why asexuals aren’t “oppressed enough”). WE don’t provide the alternative? YOU’RE not willing to hear any alternatives out. Because no matter how much they may protest to the contrary, it really does come down to “any moderation = bad” just like conservatives love with absolutely no sense of irony.

My advice: Take a step back and analyze what you’ve said, just…look at what that collection of words put together means. You ARE better than this, I know that. And the fact that you ARE against pointless censorship is a point in your favor. But that’s exactly how they get their hooks into people, convincing them that censorship and moderation are the same thing. And the damndest thing is, I’m not even sure it’s intentional on THEIR part, either. I think they’ve genuinely deluded themselves into thinking this is necessary, because they can’t see the irony. You want a real life example of “going too far in the other direction”, well here it is. It’s a real damn shame that it’s devolved into this “all or nothing” thing, but that’s just how it is. And I’m just responding appropriately.

#You want to play the “you’re using right wing arguments” game? #Sure okay: take this garbage back to 4chan where it belongs Ben #I can play this game too #It’s not very fun but I can #Anyways none of this has changed my mind in the slightest #Some people really DO use right wing arguments as part of their cult like devotion to a fucking website and can’t see the irony #Call me a hypocrite if you want #but at least I fucking know I am

[winter-seance]

Most of David Tennant's Filmography, 1988-2023

#dtedit #davidtennantedit #david tennant #tennantedit #my gifs #mygifs:davidtennant #i spent a whole fucking week on this gifset it better get at least 10 (ten) notes #also i know this is a Very Long post #and i am only 50% sorry about that

[verdantglow]

Joel SmallishBeans mentions that he looks at fanart on tumblr.

“He’s here!” People scream, “Scatter!”

As everyone runs away, I, unmoving, look him dead in the eye & say,

“Let him watch.”

#okay this is really dramatic but like. #Joel is of the age & personality to 100% understand what he’s getting himself into here #& if he wants to look at all my art of him romantically arranged with Etho #who the fuck am I to stop him??? #also I know I am sooo not the only one doing this #there are at least several handfuls of us who feel no shame associated with Joel witnessing us #doing whatever fan things we happen to be doing #Joel SmallishBeans #SmallishBeans #hermitblr #hermitcraft season 10 #Hermitcraft #verdant rambles

[puppetmaster13u]

Prompt in Memes 4

Another prompt, but in memes because trying to gather my thoughts is hard sometimes lol.

#prompts #memes #batman au #batman #cryptid batman #cryptid batfam #cryptid batfamily #batfamily #batfam prompts #batfam #Bruce: This surely will be fine :) #Dick: Gotham made me like they made B :) #League: the what did what now #Barbara: I formed from his tech & could get away with all your murders :) #Jason: I am the embodiment of Crime Alley and Retribution :) #Cass: I am Gotham's shadow :) #Tim: Oh I'm a child :) #The league: Oh thank fuck a normal child- #Tim: Well at least my body is a child but TECHNICALLY- #Steph: I'm his twin and the other side of his Chaos :) #Duke: Hi I'm the Bat Signal :) #Damian: I am the blood son #The League: Oh gods he means that literally doesn't he like some sort of creature made entirely from blood- #Bruce: I am not sure why I expected this Not to escalate but it's too far to go back now #Why yes they can all fit in his cape even when they become older and no one knows how or why #If they even age I mean Gotham could just be Like that where people sometimes stop aging #Kind of like what's going on in Fawcett just more goth #meme

[lotus-pear]

whatever happens, please don’t break

#god not a fucking DAY goes by where i don’t think of that one interview and this quote #does anybody have it word for word? please? i’ll pay you #literally every single time i think about how kunikida as w character was MADE for dazai. specifically to share his suffering #i actually sob into my hands because that means they were both destined for tragedy together and the long dark road they will walk #will at least not be lonely. because they have each other. they are each other’s light in the darkness. #DO YOU UNDERSTAND #bro the fact that kunikida is painfully aware of the imperfection of the world and how he still continues to fight for his ideals #paralleling dazai who finds humanity beautiful but cannot become attached bc he feels alienated from emotion #THE WAY THEY COULD HELP EACH OTHER????? SICK SICK SICK I AM SICK #i love kunikidazai sm i wish more ppl could see the potential #but some of you aren’t ready for the sheer perfection of their dynamic #also i’ve noticed that i am only capable of drawing dazai properly when it’s with kunikida what’s up with that 💀 #and sorreyy i know their height difference isn’t THAT big but i didn’t realize until i was halfway into the coloring 😔💔 #osamu dazai #dazai osamu #kunikida doppo #doppo kunikida #kunikidazai #knkdz #kunizai #lotus draws

[toytulini]

listen im ace and im pro kink at pride and whatever, but the way some of yall are wording your posts in response to the backlash against it is uh. really taking me back to the ace shitcourse era.

yall know theres nothing wrong with being a "virgin", right? that its not inherently shameful to have not had sex, to never have sex, even if youre not ace, even if you do want to have sex someday, like, its fine that you haven't had sex?

maybe if your problem is that theyre trying to police your behavior and shame you for expressing your sexuality, you can say that? instead of resorting to "haha stupid virgin gets no bitches" like my god. do you not hear how fucking regressive that attitude is? i know, i know, youre "joking".

get a better joke

#toy txt post #god im going to regret this post im gonna regret it so much i can feel it in my bones #let it flop..........pls #internalize my message let it sink in and understand what i am saying and then let the post flop #i say. knowing the ppl who need to see such a message are the ones who will make me regret this post and regrwt not having #1 million bajillion disclaimers #virgin is in quotes bc its a bullshit made up stupid purity culture concept anyway and quite frankly i hate even seeing the word #disclaimer: the previous sentence is not me saying that it is a slur for asexuals. it is me a single individual saying this specific word #grosses me out to read and see everywhere when its a stupid bullshit binary made up or at least historically largely used #to shame largely women and i dont know why we're still using it in 2023 #and ive just been. seeing such an uptick in this whole like. attitude? lately and like #im ace im minorly sex repulsed. mostly about anything sex at me bad. other adults sex at each other consensually? go wild #i like to think im pretty chill about it. i try to be. i think its fine ig to be like 'my meat is huge i fuck so much so good' #like okay not my thing but good for you. love that for you #but then some of yall have started turning it back around back to. 'haha your meat so small and shriveled you get no bitches' #'haha stupid incel virgin' like okay. didnt realize we all went back to fucking. middle school but okay #god im gonna run out of tine to get ready for my thing writing this stupid post UGH evil #but like idk we've kinda circled back to being like haha being a virgin still is stupid and silly and shameful #and if im quite honest. i do think the acecourse played a part in that bc i felt like we were making good progress in like #hey guys is fine to not have sex ever if you dont want to its fine to not want sex its fine #and then aphobes went fucking rabid on us and splintered and destroyed online communities all over but especially on tumblr #and so many aces went back in the closet we stopped talking about it we stopped spreading awareness and now this stupid goddamn like #and now this stupid bullshit attitude is back where its like funny to call someone a virgin as an insult but like no bro trust me its okay #its okay for me to do it bc im a hot queer person with huge meat instead of a cisstraight frat bro with huge meat #? like you know the issue was the behavior right? not the fact that it was straight dudes saying it? its bc the thing being said was shitty? #you know you can dunk on the puritan bitches trying to police your behavior at pride without getting us as collateral damage right #stop making me read that stupid ugly ass word ur not cool or funny #whatever #if you come on to this post to start shit i will not only block you but as many of your mutuals and followers as i can find. i will scroll #i will block this entire fucking website if i need to do not test me. i am exhausted and the acecourse ate up all my tolerance in 2015.

[inkskinned]

it is all chaos and entropy. the thing is that the chaos and entropy make it beautiful and lovely.

yes, it's true that nature and the universe are uncaring and unspecific, and that is terrifying. i have lived through some of the unfairness - i got born like this, with my body caving into itself, with this ironic love of dance when i sometimes can't stand up for longer than 15 minutes. i am a poet with hands that are slowly shutting down - i can't hold a pen some days. recently i found a dead bird on our front porch. she had no visible injuries. she had just died, the way things die sometimes.

it is also true that nature and the universe are uncaring and unspecific, and that is wonderful. the sheer happenstance that makes rain turn into a rainbow. the impossible coincidence of finding your best friend. i have made so many mistakes and i have let myself down and i have harmed other people by accident. nature moves anyway. on the worst day of my life she delivers me an orange juice sunset, as if she is saying try again tomorrow.

how vast and unknowing the universe! how small we are! isn't that lovely. the universe has given us flowers and harp strings and the shape of clouds. how massive our lives are in comparison to a grasshopper. the world so bright, still undiscovered. even after 30 years of being on this earth, i learned about a new type of animal today: the dhole.

chance echoing in my life like a harmony between two people talking. do you think you and i, living in different worlds but connected through the internet - do you think we've ever seen the same butterfly? they migrate thousands of miles. it's possible, right?

how beautiful the ways we fill the vastness of space. i love that when large amounts of people are applauding in a room, they all start clapping at the same time. i love that the ocean reminds us of our mother's heartbeat. i love that out of all the colors, chlorophyll chose green. i love the coincidences. i love the places where science says i don't know, but it just happens.

"the universe doesn't care about you!" oh, i know. that's okay. i care about the universe. i will put my big stupid heart out into it and watch the universe feast on it. it is not painful. it is strange - the more love you pour into the unfeeling world, the more it feels the world loves you in return. i know it's confirmation bias. i think i'm okay if my proof of kindness is just my own body and my own spirit.

i buried the bird from our porch deep in the woods. that same day, an old friend reaches out to me and says i miss you. wherever you go, no matter how bad it gets - you try to do good.

#writeblr #warm up #i can't write rn but i have SO much words in here bc im reading the chorus of dragons books #(just started book 4) #and this woman's writing is just LIVING in my brain. let me out!!! #(i read roughly like 2-4 books a week usually bc i go on long walks with my dog but when a book is REALLY good like. it eats my life. ) #anyway ...... so like here's a story that idk i've tried to explain to other people as being wild #but maybe im the only one who thinks it is wild??? #so i play pokemon go (i just started in jan) bc i love pokemon and as i have mentioned i walk goblin for like an hour in the morning #and i don't like a lot of fitness trackers due to the fact it makes me .sad. but i also wanted the little digital rewards. enter pokemon go #anyway so they make you make friends to complete quests. so i used a reddit thread. i do not usually use reddit. i don't have an acct #i lurked. i just googled like ''pokemon go reddit '' and randomly added a bunch of numbers #i was on that page for all of 15 minutes. there are THOUSANDS of responses on that page. #here's what's wild: in that group of people. even though i am not on reddit and it was one random event once #it turns out one of those people lives in the town i live in. or at least very close. i only know this because #when we send each other gifts. it's from the same freaking area. #i can't ask them to meet up bc pokemon go doesn't have a messaging app lol but like . what are the fucking chances that #a random person posts in a random reddit thread and HAPPENS to get added by someone ELSE from their SAME TOWN #who by pure fucking CHANCE is ALSO playing pokemon go and looking for friends #i googled it there's only 42000 people in my broad region. the .......... smallness ! of the world!!!

[queenwille]

them: yOU SHOULD BE ASHAME-

us:

#the more obnoxious the better #i mean unlike OTHERS at least it’s my culture and i’m not culturally appropriating other people’s symbols #yET y’all think we should be ashamed #the audacity #jewish #jumblr #antisemitism #israel #am yisrael chai #babyyyy #THIS GOES TO ALL THE JEWS: DONT FUCKING DO IT - YOU KNOW WHAT - DONT FUCKING ASK ME WHERE THE CLUTCH IS FROM

[hwiyoungies]

for @chanonara <3

#svtgifs #svtcreations #svtsource #forsvt #fywonwoo #seventeen #the video you sent quite literally got me over the giffinf slump LMAO #or at least gave me enough motivation to make one set LMAO #i might finally make a wonu set who knows not me! #wait fuck i didn't even tag the members yet oopsie #chan #wonwoo #i am ignoring how different the coloring looks in every one of these i simply do not see #b.edits

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

sharing is caring <3

#KISS THE MAILMAN!!!! #they are waiting their turns!!! #this is so fucking indulgent & niche asdjaskjcnaskclak #eddie gets all the love!!! #im such a giggly lil bitch about this im- #yall dont even know how bad it was when i was actually scribbling this. commit me to an asylum #its soooo Unserious and its soooooo Fun #eddie is the perfect size for them to Hold and Cherish #screaming crying wailing eating floor tiles!!! #ok somebody take me out back and shoot me The Voices Are Winning #scribble salad #what do i even tag this with??? DO i even tag it??? #lmao imagine i toss it into the welcome home tag #woe! laughingletterstock be upon ye!! #im spicing up the soup... at least i like to think that i am!!! #i create silly mindless stuff like this so that i can Think later #alrighty im gonna queue this for the morning #there's like. 3 people absolutely frothing at the mouth to see this so!!! #morning queue! i could post it Now but like. lmao #ive posted enough today.... gotta space it out a lil

[puppetmaster13u]

Prompt 139

So. Dan has somehow found a small child. A practically newly born ghostling who had literally fallen right on top of him. A ghostling who had practically formed right above him, far away from nurseries and instead above him of all ghosts? 

Him, the Sunkiller? The Worldeater? Jordan Vladimir FentonNightingale-Foley-Manson? Son of Space and War? Bringer of the End?? Seriously, what the hell! Ghostlings shouldn’t even be able to form within other ghost’s Lairs, and he knew for a fact this wasn’t his own ghostling seeing as he wasn’t interested in such things. 

So here Dan is, feeling more confused than he ever has with a newborn ghostling clinging to him and sobbing in his arms about wanting his dad. What even is his unlife right now.

#dcxdp #dpxdc #prompts #dad dan #Phantastic Four #or at least implied lol #The moment Dan learns joker is alive he’s going to do a murder #He’s killed entire worlds before what’s a single mortal #It’s not like his parents or sister will notice a singular mortal dying- and it’s revenge for the ghostling #Dan: I am not attached to this lil shit but if anyone hurts him I will make them wish their death was permanent #Dan when Jason disappears back to the world of the living: WHERE IS MY BOI #Jason when he revives: Where is my dad- wait what dad- wait I have Two dads??? #They get reunited when Jason gets thrown into the Pits #Big Fucking Pit creature emerges from the waters with hair like the flames of the dying suns and eyes as red as blood #the whole Red Hood thing definitely goes differently with Joker dead & Dan there #Dan still refuses to admit that the now-halfa is his kid but the others want to meet their grandson/nephew #I wonder if Bruce knows that Dan is the one who killed joker or if he might’ve been there

[essektheylyss]

Honestly, I'm very excited to find out what happened to Caleb and Beau, but specifically because Ludinus's current status is WILD for Caleb's epilogue in particular. It means his boyfriend is basically free and clear of everyone who has explicit material knowledge of the deal he made. It means the goal he planned to dedicate his life to is basically complete within six years. It means that virtually no one left on the Assembly cares much what kinds of changes he makes to Soltryce from here on out.

Ludinus is on the moon and probably not coming back, given the general expectations of the heroic fantasy genre, and the rest of it is a whole lot of "not Caleb's problem".

What does this man even do with the rest of his life?

#also who succeeded vess. this is the real question. no one in that role isn't fucking evil. #I'm just thinking about it. I don't imagine they'll have the same kind of time in the one-shot to go through epilogues again but like. #I do hope there's a lil bit. I wanna know what caleb does knowing that this massive problem is no longer a problem for him. #I am admittedly also presuming that margolin was implicated in or at least disgraced by the scourger shit cuz like #that's just not an easy thing to claim you knew nothing about lmfao #and fuck 'im #but like. the rest of the group is just. whatever yanno. but does caleb keep pushing? idk #I think he should get to be headmaster he'd be great at that #but then I am a caleb as magical headmaster truther so #ANYWAY I just want to see it. I wanna see what caleb looks like when he has absolute freedom before him. #it's WHAT HE DESERVES DAMMIT. #critical role #caleb widogast

[gayemoji]

did house just sincerely refer to wilson as being queer or am i brainrotted to the sun and back

#like genuinely what the fuck else WOULD that mean #i am actually lost. how is this heterosexual someone NEEDS to explain to me. #bc surely it has at least DOUBLE meaning. #i know ONE meaning and its “FRUIT!!! GAY !!! PRESSURES OF LIVING IN A HETERONORMATIVE SOCIETY !!!!" #but that has never been explored SINCERELY genuinely through wilson at all in this show (until now ?? can anyone hear me?????) #house md #house s8 #m #live #id in alt #100

[bobtheacorn]

I think the thing that’s most compelling for me about the live action iteration of Luffy is that they’ve stripped away all the expectations of the Shonen Protagonist.

Right away they let him have some character growth and vulnerability that we didn’t get from the manga until several dozen or hundred chapter in! He’s allowed to be indecisive and to make the wrong call and to NOT know what to do and to get comfort and reassurance and advice from his friends!!!

Everything goes to shit - Zoro is mortally wounded by Mihawk - and after they drag Zoro’s bleeding body into the galley, Usopp is running around looking for the first aid kit and Nami is trying to staunch the bleeding and Luffy completely detaches himself from the moment because it’s more than he can process! He never for a moment thought Zoro would lose and here are the consequences. Nami has to call his name several times before he can even answer her! And even when he runs into the Baratie’s kitchen, he’s so flustered and upset that he’s nearly incoherent and the pathetic way he says “My friend is dying” is absolutely heartbreaking!

It’s such an interesting take to see so early on, because the few instances in the manga where Luffy has lost a fight or not know what to do or royally fucked up have been because he didn’t understand the situation or he wasn’t properly motivated, etc. His authority as captain and the whole “playing at pirates” thing isn’t even something that gets called into question until WATER 7, and it’s Zoro who calls him out because he’s so ready to forgive Usopp.

To do it NOW? During the East Blue arc???

To have it be Nami who tells him he’s shit at his job and that he Needs to take it more seriously because Zoro is DYING??

I’m frothing at the mouth about it tbh because Luffy takes that shit to heart - because it’s after this confrontation that Nami LEAVES. Luffy says it himself when he’s talking to Zoro while he’s unconscious. HE lost the grand line map, HE lost Nami, and HE feels responsible bc he might lose Zoro too!

All those failures - all that guilt - bothers the hell out of him and we get to SEE that!

Part of Manga Luffy’s charm apart from his emotional intuition is that he’s a lil fuckin bulldozer and he’s so arrogant and selfish and that head is empty zero thoughts 98 percent of the time - to soften those harder (arguably less palatable) traits and make live action Luffy just so fucking earnest and thoughtful and intelligent is such an incredible take I’m just obsessed with it! I’m eating it up!!! Bc he’s still LUFFY at his core!

He’s goofy and smiley and charming and fun and happy and easygoing and he’s dumb as hell and he’s constantly hungry and he loves to fight and he’s KIND and he sticks up for other people and he believes in himself!

He believes in other people’s dreams!

He doesn’t think you should let anything or anyone stand in your way!

He cares so much about his friends and he LOVES them and he’d die for them in a heartbeat!

But he’s also allowed to have a fucking panic attack when his friend is literally bleeding to death and oh boy do I love to see it!

#opla #opla spoilers #one piece live action #opla Luffy #second watch and I’m slowly putting my thoughts together bc there’s just SO MUCH #anyway I love Luffy if he has one fan it’s me if he has none I am dead and in the ground #also I’m not saying manga Luffy isnt SMART I know that boy has hyper battle #intelligence #I know he’s smart as a whip! #I’m saying he can’t fucking read and LA Luffy can at least write his own name lmao

[isbergillustration]

I just love him a whole lot.

#johnny silverhand #cyberpunk 2077 #keanu reeves #procreate #digital art #that arm is fucking hard to draw his tattoos are hard the goddamn samurai logo? hard #but at least comparatively his face looks fine i guess #this was referenced from one of the 253 c2077 screencaps 290 of which are of Him #artists on tumblr #illustration #my art #fan art #i know you guys arent so much into my fanart or my digital art #but i am extremely into johnny silverhand so like. whatever

[ghost-proofbaby]

if it were anyone else (e.m.)

warnings: strong allusions to depression, disordered eating/rough relationship with food, mentions of smoking, description of a sort of panic attack. very sad. hurt/comfort? not edited.

wc: 1.6k+

a/n: this is literally entirely self indulgent and written entirely after i sat and cried and thought "i wish i had eddie here right now to hold me". maybe in like thirty minutes tops. this is for me and only me. go figure lol. sorry. yeah. anyways.

if you relate, my askbox is always open, and i'm very sorry you've felt this way as well. i hope you all take care of yourselves. drink some water, call a friend. be kind to yourself.

“I’m worried about you.” 

Four words that always manage to strike a certain type of fear in your gut. You don’t know how to react as he says it, how he wants you to react. You can only stare blankly, you can only wish harder for the earth to swallow you whole.

“What do you mean?” you laugh nervously, following it with a hard swallow.

You’re playing dumb. You know it, he knows it. The tremor in your bones and your numb appendages know it, too. 

“You’re…” Eddie stalls, licking his lips, letting his eyes rake over you, “You’re getting bad again.” 

You’re quick to shake your head, forcing another hollow chuckle from your chest, “It’s not that bad. I’m fin-”

“You’re not fine.”

The look in his eyes could crack your spine if you stare too long. Wet eyes, a trembling bottom lip, worry lines etched into his forehead that you realize might be caused by you.

You’re causing him worry. The last thing you want to do, you’ve accomplished. You’re on a fast-track to becoming a burden – the first step is always acceptance. 

You’re still unsure of how he wants – no, needs you to react right now. This conversation is a landmine for both of you, and you hold every breath with every step as you try to navigate it. If you make one wrong step, it could cause an explosion that spares no survivors.

You don’t mind if it tears you apart limb by limb. You do mind if it hurts him. 

“How… How do you know that?” 

It’s not a sarcastic snipping or defensive deterrence. It’s an unfiltered response of genuineness – you want to know the signs, you want to know what has exposed the rot this time.

And then, maybe next time, you’ll be able to better shield it from him with this knowledge. 

“How could I not?” he takes a deep breath in through his nose, and you focus on the flare of his nostrils rather than any of the tears beginning to gather at his waterlines, “It’s been happening for a while now, though, hasn’t it?” 

Your throat is a cage, tight and restrictive and ringing with a bitter metallic taste in its tenseness. You can’t respond with words. You can only nod. 

He chooses to answer your question more properly now that you’ve admitted it, “You’re cold all the time again. You’re always sleeping too much or too little. You’re smoking again, running yourself into the ground. Picking up distractions like they’re going out of style.”

“Hey, they might be. We never know-” you cut yourself off when your eyes meet his. Now’s not the time for jokes, “Sorry. I… I know. I’m sorry.” 

He’s right. Fuck, he’s right. 

“I want to ask you something, and I need you to answer me honestly,” his own steps across these landmines are just as delicate, just as feathery light, as your own. You hear it in his tone, see it in his body language. You wish your body could sink into the mattress you’re sitting on the edge of as he crouches in front of you, warm palms connecting with your knees. Grounding you. Tethering you. Holding you back from that sinking you crave. “Are you… Sweetheart, are you okay?”

If anybody else had built up to such a stupid question, you would have laughed in their face. You would have shoved those warm palms right off of your skin and you would have thrown up those ice cold hands of your own, shouted obviously not. 

Obviously not. I’m not okay. I’m so far from okay, it’s a bit comical. I am drowning. I am treading in freezing cold waters and I am barely capable of keeping my head above the waves. My engine is fucked, my tank is empty. I don’t think I’d even know how to be ‘okay’ again if you did manage to pull this mangled body of mine from these depths and sat me down on safe, solid ground again. 

You can’t say any of this, though. Not because you don’t trust him, not because he would judge you. But because the moment he asks the question that should make you scoff, you let out a sob instead. Something like a muffled, broken wail that tears from deep within you. It had already been ready and poised, laying in wait for a perfect moment like this one to escape. 

His eyes aren’t the only glossy ones anymore. 

“I-” you start, breathing already stuttering and chest already constricting, “I- I-”

“Hey,” he palms smooth up your thighs, carrying their warmth with them, as if he were trying to spread it across you. As if he had heard your thoughts. As if he already knew all about those dark, treacherous, freezing waters you were stranded in. All you can do is spew out another cry, strangled as you tried to swallow it down before it entered the atmosphere between you two, “Hey.” 

You only notice the tears when you crumple forward and he meets you halfway. Those warm palms, those hands so capable of safety and promise, cup your cheeks and his thumbs make quick work of swiping away the salty streams. 

“Hey, baby, breathe for me,” his voice is tragically gentle, “Just one deep breath, okay?” 

To demonstrate, you watch his chest expand dramatically, his hands forcing you to keep your eyes on him. 

You can’t see through the bleariness. 

“C’mon, sweetness,” he encourages again, “One breath. Just one.” 

If it were anyone else, you’d turn into a fit of rage at the coddling. You’d break everything in sight. You’d scream until your already burning lungs finally collapsed as they’d been yearning to for so long. 

But it’s him. It’s just him, it’s just Eddie. 

His chest rises dramatically again, and this time, yours does as well, albeit through stifling hiccups. You’re dizzy from the lack of oxygen and the flood of emotion that was wrecking you. 

“There you go!” his voice rises ever so slightly, and when you flinch a bit at the sudden volume, he retracts, “Sorry, sorry. But that’s it, sweetheart. Another one, okay?” 

Another breath. Another sob. Another wave of all the pain you’ve been battling off. 

You’re cold all the time again. You’re always sleeping too much or too little. You’re smoking again, running yourself into the ground.

He was right and it fucking killed you. None of those are things you could ever shield him from. You didn’t have the heart to pull away those numb and icey fingertips every time he’d reach out for your hand, or try to cover the shivers that managed to rack your bones even in the middle of summer. The sleeping situation had been spiraling, a pendulum of sleepless nights that would end in a sleep so deep that you could have been mistaken for resting with the dead. Maybe the smoking you could have hid, especially when you’d been so boastful about quitting. 

You weren’t running yourself into the ground. You had already collapsed into the dirt, you had already joined the worms. You’d buried yourself alive, six feet under, and nothing could have stopped him from sniffing out that scent of decay on you. 

The death of a soul and mind. The death of the thing that had propelled you forward for so long. No amount of sweet perfume, or hour long scalding showers, or minty gum to occupy your mind rather than a proper meal, can erase that stench. 

You never could have shielded him. He always saw right through you. Always had, always would. 

“I’m sorry,” you end up crying out. 

You don’t know what you’re apologizing for, but you echo the words again. Over and over, on repeat, until he’s rising from the ground. Until he’s sat beside you. Until his arms are suddenly encasing you and you’re awarded a warmth you didn’t feel deserving of. 

He doesn’t smell like the decay you’d surrounded yourself with. He smells like slow waking in the morning, dreary and calm and at a reasonable time. He smells like warm baths that only relax your bones, and don’t have to blister your skin in the process. He smells like three meals a day, all comforting and all effortless and that never linger with a sense of regret.

He’s not decay, never even treading close to death. He’s home. He’s the promise that you could be okay. Even if it isn’t right now. 

“Don’t apologize,” he murmurs into the crown of your head, squeezing you tighter into his chest, not even blinking an eye at the patch of wetness you leave behind from where your cheeks bury against him, “Never apologize. Ever. Not with me, sweetheart. Keep the sorries. I don’t need them.” 

If it were anyone else, the holding would have suffocated you. But it’s him. It’s Eddie.

You don’t fight him when he pulls you fully into his lap, situating the two of you comfortably on that mattress. 

You don’t know how long you let him cradle you like that. How much of that time is spent filled with your cries, or how many breaths he gently urges you to take with him. He never once has to verbally say what you already know; he never once promises aloud that it’ll be okay. He doesn’t put that pressure on you, not yet. Not today. Not when he knows the journey to okay is still such a long one. 

“I’ve got you,” he whispers to you instead, “I’ve got you, now, sweetheart.” 

If it were anyone else, you wouldn’t believe them. 

But it’s him. It’s Eddie. 

And he’s got you, for now and for as long as you need.

#my writing #eddie munson #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson x you #eddie munson comfort #idk what this is #i hope it flops because fuck is it personal ! #i wrote very quickly and did not edit it lol #like my own personal diary entry or therapy session #bleh #very niche and doubt it's relatable lol #but i'm unwell and what good am i if i can't make content #if nothing else #i can create #still good for something maybe i don't know #at least something not awful can come from this storm