#but also like?? idk any time i dress conventionally feminine

[cancerfairy]

Hii 💕 Libra moon culture please? ☺️ thanks so much!!

𝙻𝚒𝚋𝚛𝚊 𝙼𝚘𝚘𝚗 𝙲𝚞𝚕𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚎

✿ always shopping online

✿ for some reason obsessed with pastel colors

✿ act like they're on your side but are actually neutral the whole time

✿ give you the silent treatment when they're mad

✿ like they'll straight up ignore you

✿ love to coordinate their outfits perfectly

✿ hate being alone/feeling lonely

✿ but sometimes they isolate themselves

✿ if they're alone they'll literally start talking to themselves

✿ they just love to be around friends and don't want to seem lonely

✿ they tend to be popular amongst their friends too like no one really hates or dislikes them

✿ scared to make bad/wrong decisions

✿ might fear rejection

✿ these mfs literally hate starting conflict

✿ they avoid confrontation even when they're feelings are hurt bc they want to "keep the peace" and bc they hate fighting

✿ they often let stuff slide bc they're afraid to speak up for themselves

✿ they have a great eye for fashion and their pinterest probably looks gorgeous

✿ they have a hard time processing their emotions

✿ most libra moons i've noticed will just hold their feelings in until they reach a breaking point and just start crying randomly

✿ they tend to have a "fuck it, we ball" mentality when they're really struggling

✿ they really just shrug off their feelings

✿ they have a hard time saying no to friends bc they usually wanna help even if deep down they really don't feel like it or are not in the mood

✿ like i said, they're very helpful to a fault

✿ they can be very flaky like one minute they're going along with a plan you made to go out and the next minute they're asking everyone "idk... should i really go?" and then they start making every excuse not to go only to end up forcing themselves to go hang out

✿ don't ever ask these people "what do you want to eat?" cause they'll literally take 5 years trying to choose

✿ sometimes they never give direct answers to questions that they know they want to say no to like they'll just be silent so if you ask a libra moon a question and they go silent just take that as a no!

✿ can be very manipulative only bc they're trying to figure out your feelings and at times they may guilt trip you

✿ they can also be very condescending

✿ i see why people say libras tend to take on the leo stereotype in real life cause these people talk about themselves so much

✿ they're never really on any side of an argument like one second they'll be vouching for you and the next second they're vouching for the other side.. they just wanna be neutral

✿ probably likely to tell your business to other people

✿ they're very affectionate and can be very needy as well

✿ need to be told that you love them 24/7

✿ can easily become codependent especially with scorpio placements this just adds codependency plus obsession

✿ they become very passive aggressive when upset similar to cancers

✿ literally the sassiest people i've ever met, especially the men!

✿ the men can be very feminine and have a lot of close female friends

✿ these people have very pretty eyes!

✿ they almost always have v shaped jawlines as well

✿ these people value long term relationships and are usually only in long term ones (saturn exalts in libra, libra = ruled by venus and venus rules relationships while saturn rules longevity)

✿ these people love pretty people like they're "type" in partners are usually very conventionally attractive partners or the women will go for the "pretty boy"

✿ again, they have a online shopping addiction and usually use it to cope when they have a bad day like i swear it's one of their only hobbies

✿ these people might love playing dress up especially with leo placements

✿ these people usually love singing and/or have great singing voices

✿ because they tend to give the silent treatment when upset, they can be prone to being avoidant

✿ they really don't enjoy talking about their feelings in general

✿ they might feel some sense of shame talking about their feelings bc their mother likely didn't allow them to be truly vulnerable with them

✿ these people might also have abandonment or commitment issues

✿ they might have a pleasant relationship with their mother on the outside but in reality its probably superficial

✿ they always have such pretty smiles!! ex: anne hathaway, bella hadid

✿ they're usually always talking about the topic of love and relationships like my sister always asks me random questions like "layla do you think true love exists?" i'm like wtf, sure

✿ this might apply more to libra sun with libra moons but i always notice they have such sharp cheekbones

✿ definitely the types to flirt heavy then get confused when people fall for them

✿ when they flirt it's usually just a game to them and some of them flirt just to bring your self esteem up like they think they're just genuinely being nice

✿ these people are so corny

✿ they have very cheesy pick up lines too

✿ they can be really passive and try to change the subject really abruptly but in a polite way when they don't wanna talk about something

✿ these people are literally hilarious

✿ their love language is likely words of affirmation and quality time

✿ they can be mean as well but it's usually in a funny way and sometimes like their opposite sign aries, they can be really blunt

✿ they're usually not impulsive tho bc they like to take time to make a decision

✿ sometimes they'll wait and procrastinate till the last second to make a decision and then even after that they'll contemplate on whether they should've done something or not after the fact

✿ they can sometimes be afraid to give criticism to their friends or call them out for certain things

✿ these people are usually ambiverts

✿ i've also noticed the libra sun, libra moon combos are usually either enfp's or infps

#astrology observations #astro observations #this was in my drafts since last year omg #astrology notes #astro notes #libra #libra moon #moon signs #astro thoughts #astrology #aries #taurus #gemini #cancer #leo #virgo #scorpio #sagittarius #capricorn #aquarius #pisces

[dopesotherstuff]

That is so gender

When I say my gender is “female but IDK what the hell I’m doing” it’s for two reasons:

1: My relationship with being a woman is not a “celebration of the divine feminine” so much as it’s a giant pain in the ass that I don’t feel intimately connected with, but don’t reject either.*

2: Being “acceptably feminine” in presentation is impossible for me due to various neuro, sensory and balance issues, and lack of money. It also seems incredibly pointless given the amount of effort, discomfort and expense involved and the lack of any real payoff for someone like me. I’m already ostracized by a stunning number of people for being autistic and not being conventionally attractive, and getting a makeover I can’t even afford absolutely will not change that.**

Elaborations below the cut...

*It’s less “I am woman hear me roar” and more a combination of “oh, okay, my body’s got boobs and a uterus this time around” and “WHAT THE FUCK why is all of this so hard”.

I don’t identify with being male, and I’m not unhappy with having a biologically female body--I’m just unhappy with all the stupid shit I have to deal with as a result. Periods. PCOS. Living in fear of getting pregnant. The insane social expectations. The shitty, uncomfortable clothing. The various dangers. The medical prejudice. The social pressure to limit our interests and pursuits to what’s “acceptably feminine”. The sheer number of men who refuse to think of and treat us like actual human beings (and then wonder why we won’t date them). The attacks on our rights. And so on, and so on.

My soul, my inner self, isn’t defined by my sex or my gender. My physical and social experience of life is heavily affected by them, but the rest of me is just sitting back going “this is all very weird and some of it sucks.”

**Performing femininity is this great weird mystery to me (yay autism) that I can’t do well at all due to so much of the performance being physically uncomfortable (yay sensory issues). I also can’t identify at all with anyone who considers activities like getting their eyelashes dyed or their pubic hair ripped out (CRINGE) to be “self-care”.

I can’t do high heels either. Some women look at six inch stiletto heels by some designer and go “I would die for those shoes”. Me and my balance issues go “I would die IN those shoes”. Also the idea of exposing too much of my round little hobbit body or wearing anything too tight makes me super uncomfortable.

And all of it seems so fucking unnecessary. The performance of femininity feels alien to me, and contrived. It’s like something society made up to busy women with shit that doesn’t matter instead of our having more time and energy to get important things done or just enjoy ourselves. In addition, making myself up, showing cleavage, wearing ankle-breakers and all that won’t make me more confident, because I’ll be self-conscious and physically miserable the whole time.

I don’t feel prettier in lipstick; I feel ridiculous, and even more self-conscious. And also like my lips are coated in axle grease. And it feels pointless, too. Even if I did up a full face of makeup perfectly it wouldn’t “make up for” enough in the eyes of those who care about such things. It’s still my fat, plain potato self, only now with red lips and sparkly eyelids. It doesn’t improve how people treat me, or make me more comfortable in public, so why bother with it except maybe when I have to dress up anyway? 

So not only am I bad at performing femininity and made terribly uncomfortable by it, I just don’t see the point. Or the point outside of the massive social pressure for us to put on the performance, and the ostracism we face if we don’t conform.

I’m rejected by most people anyway for being autistic and not conventionally attractive, so trying to be ultra-feminine would not gain me social acceptance. In fact, it would offer little reward, if any, especially compared to the cost in time, effort, discomfort, distraction and sometimes, physical risk.

I have no control over other people’s prejudices, and there’s an overwhelming number of people out there who look down on me for things I can’t control either. Putting myself through severe discomfort to satisfy other people’s idea of what a woman should look like doesn’t protect me from social ostracism, even if I could do it right, so why try?

Besides, it often feels like doing so would be pandering to the same assholes who treat me like a lunatic if I infodump or stim in public. It honestly feels like a lot of people out there are just looking for any excuse to reject someone, whether it’s their dress size, what they do with their hands while talking, or whether their fingernails have the right color of lacquer on them. Stupid, ridiculous, petty reasons. But it happens all the time, and I will never understand why.

I’m clean, fairly well-groomed, and usually comfortably dressed in something clean and decent-looking, like a long cotton skirt. I’ll wear something nicer for special occasions, and maybe even endure some lipstick. If that isn’t “feminine” enough for someone, well...they can go fuck themselves. Nobody asked them to play conformity police in my life.

So yeah, that’s the whole explanation of my weird relationship with femininity and its performance. I hope it made some kind of sense.

#gender #femininity #performing femininity #queer #autism #fat #not conventionally attractive #gender conformity #cw bullying #cw ableism #cw sexism #sexism #what is my life #she/her but IDK what I'm doing

[luobingmeis]

do u ever see a photo of urself and ur just like “that’s me but that is the most not-me picture i have ever seen”

#i took my grad pics last week and this is how i feel abt them aksjdjhs #like they’re nice pictures!! and i’m happy with how they came out!!!!! #but they feel so performed and not me lmao #partially bc like. #u know how people talk abt how influencers don’t really have a style #it’s just the same clothes and same makeup and everything? #like it’s very obvious that i ‘learned’ how to take grad pics from the girls on my ig feed #but like. it’s so not my style i just don’t know how to function on camera. #so like the literal style itself while cute is not like......... my thing #i just needed a model for what to do #but also like?? idk any time i dress conventionally feminine #like dresses / skirts #it just feels like a performance like. idk if masking is the right word??? but like #they’re nice outfits!! but like #for ex last month i went out with some school friends and a professor for lunch #and i wanted to dress nice #but the only way i know how to ‘dress nice’ is to dress conventionally feminine #and while i objectively loved the outfit i put together. the entire time i just felt like i was. performing. #but of course that is added to by the fact that i do kinda follow my school friends when it comes to social stuff #so for the most part i’m bouncing off of them #but for my grad pics i was with my best friends and like. they came out nice!! and i like the outfit #but i’ve been looking at those pics for so long and trying to figure out what’s getting me abt them and it just. idk. doesn’t feel like me? #like they’re nice pictures but they just feel generic and performed and like. #idk if this is a gender thing or a social thing but it just feels like. #like i’m trying to be ‘just one of the girls’ except im a very obvious imposter #[and by ‘girls’ i mean trying to mimic what i see in the girls i’m friends with] #but yeah again idk if that’s a gender thing or a social thing or both ajsjdjsjjs #it’s just!!! weird idk #like i like the pics but they. don’t quite feel like me but i also don’t know what i’m looking for in myself so!!!! #also it probably doesn’t help that i have been having some. ah. issues with myself as of late!!!!!

[rittz]

thoughts about being trans, idk where else to put them so here u go

it’s not like i don’t have trans guy friends to talk to about this, it’s just usually in the form of jokes or passing comments rather than an actually serious conversation. also, the transmasc people that i’m closest to identify more with the label “nonbinary” than i do-- it’s not like they couldn’t understand or relate to things i’m saying, but i’m just assuming that they probably don’t feel the exact same way i do

anyway, as a trans person we get often asked “so why do you feel like a [gender]?”, and the answer is usually some variation of “i just feel like it”. this is the most accurate but also vaguest possible answer, so i kinda wanted to break down my personal answer to that question?

basically, i identify as a man because i identify with men. in a general and also personal sense. gender stereotypes are something that trans people by necessity both embrace and reject. i relate to gender stereotypes about men more than those of women-- i’m less outwardly emotional, i like being handy, i don’t like kids, i have questionable personal hygiene, etc-- but obviously these things alone don’t make someone a man. however... you can’t deny that there is some general truth about behavioral differences between men and women (bc of society, not biology). men and women both experience different problems in the world, and each have trouble understanding the experiences and problems of the other. generally, i can relate to the experiences and problems of men more than those of women, even if it seems like i shouldn’t (for example, i am not afraid of walking alone at night, even though i am very tiny).

i, from a young age, have had a constant yearning for more male friends. i would occasionally choose to play video games as a male character. i was upset that i couldn’t be in boy scouts. i have been jealous of my younger brothers being treated by my parents the ways i wished i was treated. when i imagined myself older, i pictured myself less like my mom and more like my dad. when i’m around men, i want them to treat me like one of them. i want to be seen as a man.

and i think that’s what being trans really boils down to. wanting to be seen as someone other than how everyone sees you. wanting what you see on the outside to match how you feel on the inside. this obviously extends to nonbinary individuals, who face their own struggle when it comes to presentation. but at the end of the day, i think that presentation is equally important to gender identity as internal feelings. i mean, i think we’re all familiar with the research proving that transitioning makes trans people happier. surgery is an invasive, expensive, painful process that i DON’T think is necessary for every trans person, and HRT isn’t always easy to get. but changing a name, getting a new haircut, dressing differently, binding, etc. counts as transitioning. you don’t have to hate your body to be trans, but wanting to alter it in order to better connect your internal identity with your presentation, i think is necessary in order to consider yourself to be trans. 

i will admit i am confused by “GNC trans men” i see on tumblr and insta, who use he/him pronouns but exclusively present femininely. i’m not talking about trans guys who don’t yet pass, i mean trans guys who don’t want to. i don’t harbor any ill will, i’m just confused. if i understand being trans to mean “wanting what you see on the outside to match how you feel on the inside”, you can see how. doesn’t that make you feel dysphoric? don’t you want people who see you to read you as male? how is your life different from when you didn’t identify as male but presented the same way? this isn’t me trying to gatekeep on who’s “trans enough”, and especially when it comes to nonbinary identities it’s arbitrary to harp on presentation like this. but like, what’s going on here?

taking a turn here that will come back around, an extremely key component to why i identify as and with men is my sexuality. i have always idolized, envied, and evoked various queer icons from media and real life. the hunky, grunting, macho, hetero version of “man” never appealed to me the way that the fashionable, artsy, flirty, homo version of “man” did. drag queens, my mom’s hairdresser, glam rock stars, i could go on. associating my more feminine qualities with GAY stereotypes instead of FEMALE stereotypes suddenly made more sense, and made me feel less dysphoric. it’s also something that took me a long time to realize, because i had surrounded myself with queers who were mostly attracted to women. transmascs and butch lesbians historically have a lot in common, but personally, i didn’t relate as much to lesbians as i did to drag queens. in dating and loving men, i developed my understanding of them. but my attraction to men was why it had taken me so long to realize i felt more like a man-- i thought i was just some weird straight girl.

now, am i calling these “GNC gay trans men” with long pink hair and poofy skirts and conventionally attractive bisexual boyfriends “weird straight girls”? ...well, not to their faces. but i have to admit that i’m thinking it. these people would never go to a predominantly-male gay bar, these people would never be harassed on the street. i’m not saying i know someone’s identity better than they do, but i don’t agree with the liberal utopian ideal of “let everyone do whatever they want as long as they aren’t hurting anyone” when taken to mean that we can’t question other people’s choices. “why do you feel like a man?” is a question that, coming from another trans person, isn’t inherently transphobic. it’s not “forcing” someone to “prove” their “transness”, no one “owes” me an explanation of their identity. i’m just confused. i don’t disapprove of the way these people live their lives, i just want to know why.

a straight girl being feminine is different from a gay man being feminine, because it has less to do with personality and more to do with society’s historic view of gay men as closer to female than male because of the loving and fucking men aspect. an AMAB gay man wearing makeup and a crop top probably just wants to look good, but he is also signaling to other men that he’s gay via gender non-conformance. by being AFAB and female-passing, wearing makeup and a crop top is not GNC. in fact it’s pretty GC, and gay men will not recognize you as a gay man.

it’s easy to say “gender is fake so do whatever you want”, but like, we have to acknowledge reality. time is a social construct too, but we still use days of the week when talking to each other. strangers will treat you differently depending on what gender they interpret you as. different people will be willing to date you or not. you have to choose which public bathroom to go in. if being misgendered doesn’t bother these people, then who cares? but if it DOES, which it usually does, wouldn’t you want to take steps to prevent being misgendered in the future? if your desire to present femininely is stronger then your desire to be seen as male, then like... why call yourself a male at all? ultimately nothing these people do will really affect me in any way. it just makes me wonder if these people will eventually go on to present as male, or if they will later ID as nonbinary or even cis. i encourage people trying out different labels and exploring their identity, so it’s not like i think these people SHOULDN’T identify as trans guys. it’s more like, i wish they were able to articulate WHY they identify as trans more than “because i said so”. not wanting to be a woman doesn’t automatically make you a man, it just makes you not a woman.

maybe i’m particularly cynical because of the MULTIPLE times that people with larger online followings who identify and present this way have later turned out to be lying, manipulative people. hopefully it goes without saying that i do NOT think that everyone who identifies and presents this way is a toxic liar. the reason i bring it up is because some people genuinely can’t understand the possibility or purpose of misleadingly claiming a marginalized identity, but it can and does happen. an analogy could be made here about white people claiming indigenous heritage. we all WANT to believe what people say about themselves, and asking for “proof” is a social no-no. but we shouldn’t just... automatically trust everything someone says about themselves, right? and as bad as i WANT to live in a world where gender doesn’t matter and everyone default uses neutral pronouns and there are no divisions in clothing stores and bathrooms, we don’t live in that world (yet). when you are AFAB, /extremely/ femininely presenting, and have little to no plans of transitioning, saying “i am a man” will not make other people see you as one. and if you don’t want to be seen as a man, then maybe you aren’t one.

#lgbt #ftm #long...

[punchholesinthesky]

I didn't know you could just be a boy

I was listening to a podcast today, about a girl who stood up to her parents at the tender age of four and told them that she was a girl and that she'd chosen a name. I'm in awe of this little girl being so damn sure of herself. I got super emotional listening to it and it got me thinking about my own childhood. It was NPR’s radio ambulante, the episode called “yo nena”.

I knew I was different from a young age but I didnt know how.

I just felt it. And probably cause I visited a lot of doctors and i guess most kids don't do that?

I learned that my brain was different but not the details. I had some vague notion of being adhd. I would not learn it until much later by googling different developmental disorders and learning about being neurodivergent and autistic.

I would later on go on to learn I was queer too, and though I had read the word genderqueer once and thought it fit, I hadn't given it much thought.

I was assigned female at birth, and though I have never liked it, I thought I was stuck with it, that I just had to make the best of it.

I remember wishing to be a boy so many times. Identifiying with male characters, creating ocs and alter-egos, acting the male parts (it was an all-girls school, someone had to), and begging mum to let me cut my hair short, and being so happy when people thought I was a boy.

I never liked traditionally female things, never had a barbie, hated dresses (there's still a photo of a tiny grumpy me being forced into a dress one of my grandmas gave me) and my school uniform was trousers 99% of the time. The other 1% was like official acts, maybe the first and last day of school, stuff like that. I hated it, but at an all-girls catholic school I had much biggers issues that complaining about wearing a skirt a few days out of the year. I remember the gym uniform being a problem. Not sure what the problem was. Something about tights maybe?

I never felt like a girl. But it wasn't something I could properly explain so when I tried to talk about it, with my parents or friends what they usually got out of it was the usual self-steem issues of any girl. Mum tried to help by helping me choose new clothes, telling me how good I looked. And trying to get me to be more feminine, teaching me about 'girly stuff',

But that wasn't it. I understand it better now .

See, it's not that I have self-steem issues about my appearance. I know I'm conventionally good

looking. And if I gave 1/10 of a fuck I can be a very hot girl. I have photos of pasts attempts to prove it. But it never felt right. It never felt like me.

I can put on a bikini and I'm young, thin, fit, I'll look good. But that doesn't mean I'll like what I see in the mirror. I don't feel uncomfortable because I think the person in the mirror looks bad but because I don't know who that is.

I feel exposed. Vulnerable. Bikinis are uncomfortable by design, meant to exploit feminine bodies and for someone who's already uncomfortable having one? A bloody nightmare.

And there's a lot of understand. Why the hell am I being punished for the crime of having a female body by being constantly uncomfortable ? Why are clothes so terrible? Why is so hard to find something basic and decent? Why are bras the worst?? On and on and on. questions I never got the answer to. So much confusion about girl stuff that every other girl i knew seemed capable of navigating.

For a long time I blamed it on me being weird (ie, neurodivergent)

Like, all my friends started caring about boys, parties, romance, alcohol and drugs.

I'd always struggle in school and one year I got literally left behind.

I struggled with depression. I tried hard to fit in and be like them. I tried to be normal, followed their strange rituals. I let my hair grow out, i went on dates with boys, I drank too much and made out with strangers. I got into trouble. I wore a dress to my graduation and invited a boy I'd been talking to.

It was one of the few times I wore a dress voluntarily. Another one was a christmas dinner. And a new year's party. I also wore a skirt to dress up as kate bishop. That's about all I recall. I did buy a dress to cosplay clara oswald but never did it.

I wonder, what if I had told my parents I was a boy and I wanted to be treated like one before? How would they have reacted ?

Laughed it off probably. As they did when I pretended to be a boy for a game as I often did.

I can't imagine them taking it seriously, even now.

I don't know when I found out trans people existed, or who was the first one I heard about.

But I do know I thought it meant you like hated your body or yourself and wanted to be totally different.

And that didnt fit me. I had never hated myself. I hated how the world treated me. I hated arbitrary rules based on gender.

My scout group was mixed-gender, but we were divided in troops and these were single-gender and divided by age.

But we all learned the same things. Whether it was building a fire, tracking, or cooking, we got the same lessons. Sometimes we competed and we slept/bathed separately.

In TECHO it was all mixed-gender. Well, except bathing, but often we'd shared the same bathroom. We slept, cooked, and worked together.

And nobody ever looked down on girls as 'the weaker sex'

That was cool.

My actual education was the opposite. Academically, it is better for a school to be all-girls, at least for girls. But socially, not so much.

As a teenager, I hadn't quite forgotten how much I wanted to be a boy as a kid, but idk I thought I had left it behind me. That what I craved was freedom, independence, the benefits of being a boy, not actually being one.

Later I would discover terms like 'internalized misogyny' and think that was the problem. Cause I liked Lucy and Arya, not Susan and Sansa.

Yet here I stand, years later. Having done a lot  of work. Recognising the value of Susan and Sansa. Appreciating Peggy Carter, in a gay and feminist way, and still not wanting to be a girl.

It just doesn't fit me. It's not a rejection.

I'm a feminist. I think women are great.

I understand there are many ways to be one.

That I don't have to be feminine to be one.

And yet, it just doesn't feel right.

After I learned of what 'gender dysphoria' was I though, 'oh I can't be trans I don't have that'

And then, I learned about 'gender euphoria'

And that finally opened my eyes

Trying to be a girl always felt like an ill-fitting costume, no matter how hard I tried. Like I was playing a part and didn't know my lines.

I remember cutting my hair short, like kstew, and going WOW upon seeing my reflection.. I looked more like myself than I had in ages.

I bought different clothes. Boy's clothes. I'm too small for men's clothes but I can fit just fine in clothes meant for 12 years old boys.

I cut my hair, put on new clothes, bought tight sport bras, and when I looked in the mirror, I wasn't sure who the person staring back was but I really liked how he looked.

My parents, for ages, tried to get me to 'dress nicer' to 'act like a lady' and so on. I cared enough to shower and put on clean clothes. I bought a lot of nerdy shirts which I at least liked. Did some experiments. Occasionally I'd make an effort but otherwise I was pretty basic. Loose-fitting jeans and hoodies.

Family kept gifting me nicer girly things I'd wear once and often ignored later.

It wasn't till I gave myself permission to truly dress how I wanted, and yes to shop in the boy's/men's section that I started to actually care about how I looked and putting more effort in.

I never thought I could be a boy, because I didn't know that was a thing you could do.

if I had been like that little girl and said 'i'm a boy' I think they'd havebeen at a total loss.

would they have asked my shrink? What would he have said?? It felt as though they were always on my case to be more lady-like but I know that's unfair. They were generally pretty okay with me being a tomboy, at least until puberty. And even then it was never that huge a thing. More of a constant annoying issue. There were many more pressing ones.

It's 2019, and I bet most parents would still be at a loss. There's not exactly a lot of rep or info.

I'm a lot happier with how I look now, but I still haven't found the right words to explain myself to my parents. I know I have to eventually, I want to stop hiding, to be visible, to change my name.

#Gender euphoria #trans guy #Text ramblings #Trans rights #Representation matters #Coming out #My face #Trans masc

[bullet-farmer]

Okay, I’m having a horrible mental-health day and feel overwhelmed by work, and talking about something that’s been bothering me really feels liberating. Because I feel like it’s one thing I can control right now.

Please don’t reblog this or tag it. I don’t want this to become Discourse, especially in an awesome fandom. But I needed to get this out in a space where people I trust can reply if they wish. I’m fine with disagreement and discussion, as long as people respect my feelings, or ask for clarification if they don’t understand what I’m talking about.

This got long. And it’s about pronouns. And fictional characters. And idk.

Another thing that kind of bothers me about assuming they/them or ze/zir for Beelzebub’s pronouns, and why I’m using both less and less*: I’m really uncomfortable with how few authors do the same for any other character (save, of course, for Pollution, whose pronouns are clearly mentioned as they/them and really should be used exclusively, because that’s just the decent thing to do).  Of course, some people use they/them across the board, or pronouns other than she/her and he/him in any combination. But in my experience, authors who do this are quite rare, at least on Ao3. In most cases, I find authors using “gendered” (for lack of a better word) pronouns for everyone else--namely, those that (presumably) match the gender of the actor who plays each role. For example: she/her for Michael and Dagon, and he/him for Hastur and Gabriel. 

I don’t want to make assumptions about why people do this. For one thing, making sweeping generalizations about people is always a bad idea. It’s even a worse idea when talking about why a group as diverse as fanfic authors. For another, I don’t know what is in people’s hearts or minds, and I’d rather not try to arbitrate any thoughts but my own. That said, in the West, we are swimming in a sea of gender essentialism and binarism. And I can’t help but feel that both are somehow in play in this phenomenon.

Angels and demons in Good Omens are nonbinary. But from a binarist point of view, you could say that nearly all of the angels and demons have at least a few stereotypical masculine or feminine qualities. For example: Michael wears makeup, and a very frilly blouse at one point; Michael’s suit and Uriel’s have what we would call a feminine cut. Dagon has long hair in a style we would call feminine, Sandalphon has male-pattern baldness, Hastur has a deep voice and wears “masculine” clothes, etc. 

But Beelzebub breaks this pattern. She’s what people in the West tend to think of when they hear the term “androgynous”: somewhat boyish and youthful in appearance, dressing in typically “masculine” clothes that don’t emphasize her shape, and behaving in a way that many would call more masculine than feminine. To put it another way, she is aggressive, she speaks forcefully, she shows no hallmarks of being a queen or princess, and she entirely lacks subtlety. Women, of course, are socialized to do the exact opposite. Save for her appearance at the airfield, she is also far more unkempt than any character in the series with the possible exception of Hastur.  I’m beginning to see several problems as I go deeper into this deep dive.  First problem: the assumption that “nonbinary” means androgynous or genderless. And, as a subset of that problem, the assumption that androgynous and agender/genderless are synonymous, and that they/them and ze/zir are “genderless” pronouns. For some people, they very much are. For others, they are not. (For example, a blogger I follow identifies as a cis woman and uses both she/her and they/them).  Second problem: The fact that a character played by an actress simply must be agender or “not female” because said character is androgynous and behaves in stereotypically “masculine” ways.  Third problem: ...Why are we only insisting on they/them or ze/zir for the dirtiest, least conventionally attractive character in the show? I mean, being dirty and unkempt isn’t a stereotypically nonbinary trait, but considering how society sees women who don’t obsess over their looks as “not real women,” this has some very unfortunate implications to me. Fourth problem: Y’all, Neil didn’t say that Beelzebub would probably use they/them as pronouns. He said “zir” (and to be honest, I think that was him being witty rather than making an official statement). I understand that some people can uses these interchangeably to describe themselves, but they really aren’t interchangeable. And acting like they are, strikes me as basically saying “well, these are all nongendered pronouns, so just pick whichever you like best when talking about someone.” Imagine calling someone whose pronouns are they/them, “ze/zir” and thinking that isn’t misgendering or upsetting. I also don’t see posts that insist we respect any other character as nonbinary--particularly characters like, say, Hastur, Ligur, or Gabriel. (Perhaps I’m mistaken, but I really feel like people are even more hesitant to call more “masculine” characters nonbinary than they are Dagon, Michael, etc. Which also strikes me as having really unfortunate implications. But that’s a whole other post.) Or regular use of “Nonbinary Character” and “Canon Nonbinary Character” tags on AO3 for any other demon or angel.  All of this is really starting to get to me as a nonbinary/genderfluid person who absolutely does not see myself as agender or androgynous, even if people regularly describe my looks as “masculine” for reasons I’ll get into in a second. I’m genderfluid and nonbinary because I do not fully or consistently identify with the gender I was assigned at birth--and because I never have. While some days I feel fine with having society see me as a cis woman, some days I am deeply not okay with it--and am actually dysphoric because my body doesn’t look more stereotypically androgynous. However, when I realized that stereotypical androgyny is a concept that cisheterocentric society forces on nonbinary people--and DFAB people in particular--my dysphoria became a bit more manageable.  I also do not attend to my appearance. I have no interest in wearing makeup, flattering clothes, or even feminine ones. I wear skirts for comfort; I’ve always hated pants because of sensory issues, but if I didn’t, I’d probably wear a lot of “men’s” clothes. As it is, I wear T-shirts cut for men, rather than the fitted versions for women. And baggy clothes that men can get away with wearing, but women not so much. I don’t regularly style my hair despite having it long. I don’t shave any part of my body--which began upsetting people when I was twelve, y’all. Adults constantly bothered me about it, and about looking more feminine and stylish. I may be the only “girl” on the planet whose father encouraged her to wear shorter skirts and more flattering tops when she was in her early teens.

It really upset me, but at the time I had no language for why--other than that I felt pushed and harassed. Thankfully, people have since mostly cut that shit out, but when you deal with it as a child, it really leaves some scars and some gender confusion--a fact I only realized while typing this out! Of course, I don’t believe that any of these life choices inherently make anyone any particular gender. But society thinks differently. To it, I’m a failure as a woman, and when you add on the fact that I’m nearing forty, childfree, offbeat, clueless about ‘appropriate” interactions with men, and loud and messy because of ADHD, I’m labeled as even less of a woman. I would have no problem with this if it didn’t come with the pejorative baggage. I have never been a girl or a woman, though I feel I share enough in common with this gender to be comfortable having it be part of my identity to some degree. Even as a child, I felt this but I had no name for it because no one was talking about trans issues in a conservative red state in the 80s and 90s, and they sure as fuck wouldn’t have done it around kids. I didn’t even hear the word “nonbinary” until the early 2010s.  All of this also means that I don’t get many characters or images that represent me. Again, media portrayals of people like me (DFAB and not consistently woman-identifying) are so rare that Beelzebub is the ONLY one I have found in my adult life who isn’t, you know, the butt of a joke about viragos and lesbians who are too ugly to get a man, and “undateables.” So having people insist that using she/her is somehow misgendering is...well, I get that it’s not directed at me. That it isn’t about me personally. That it isn’t meant to hurt me. That it is a lot of nonbinary people and genderfluid people talking about their own experiences. I know all of that, and I don’t begrudge people their feelings. But it still kind of hurts when they disapprove of disagreement. And it makes me worry that fewer people will read my fic, and may accuse me of misgendering if they do, even if I always “warn” for pronouns. I’m even hesitant to make posts like this or to refer to Beelzebub as she/her in casual conversation. Which, well...kind of makes me feel like I do in life. Almost no one but my therapists knows I’m not cis, because I don’t think I could explain it to them without causing confusion and some distress. Which I don’t want to cause and don’t have the spoons to deal with, especially when my own gender issues are so complicated and unclear even to me.

I also just don’t have the spoons to deal with people for assuming I’m a cis, straight girl writing a hetero relationship when I use she/her in most of my Beelzefic. And to be honest, I’m just sort of hurt at the inconsistency around pronouns and the issues said inconsistency raise for me. 

I mean, like I said, I know this isn’t personal, and I do my best to keep that in mind. But I don’t like having to hold my thoughts in because they might upset other genderfluid and nonbinary people.** I have to do that enough in my life already as a queer person, and as a mentally ill person whose feelings are not always appropriate to the situation. Having to hold them in here, too, feels really unfair and frustrating to me, and kind of like I can’t be myself even in LGBTQ+ spaces. so... tl;dr  Use whatever pronouns for Beelzebub you like, or no pronouns at all. I am not the pronoun police, and I would never tell anyone what to do with their writing. But please don’t accuse people of misgendering if they do otherwise, or mistreat them if they do, or make assumptions about them or their reasons. You don’t know who they are or what experience they’re writing from, just as they don’t know who you are and your experiences. I guess that’s it. thank you. 

* Yes, I am aware of what Neil said on the subject. I’m genderfluid and allowed to disagree and to present an alternate view. ** I really don’t care too much about cisgender folks’ opinions on this issue. I’m sorry, but I don’t. Especially when cisgender people opine about what pronouns we should use for a character. I’m glad that they’re concerned and think they’re trying admirably to be good allies, but this really is an in-house and stay-in-your-lane issue. 

[venacesaur]

nymph, shapeshifter, fury

Ahh thanks for sending so many asks!! But I didn’t see them until now so I’m just gonna mass answer them! (hopefully I’ll find the right ask meme things, if not I’m sorry, asks don’t have timestamps bc tumblr staff is Terrible)

Nymph: What are you like when you’re by yourself?

Probably pretty boring to an outsider, because most of my hobbies aren’t very exciting to watch (writing, reading, etc.), but I’m a lot more energized & less self-conscious when I’m alone (too bad no one gets to see it :’) )

Shapeshifter: What would you change about yourself?

The biggest thing is probably increasing self-confidence & self-esteem, because that’s tragically low. Fortunately it’s possible, and I think I’ve been making progress (def not easy though). Alsooooo top surgery. And I was going to dye the ends of my hair soon (in red), but I’m really busy with college so idk when I’ll get the time to do it. I also wish I was healthier regarding diet & exercise, but it’s really hard to maintain those habits :/ At least I’m now better at eating more fruits & vegetables, staying hydrated, and getting some physical activity (walking a lot) than I was when I was younger!

Fury: What is a word/phrase that you dread to hear?

I think most of them are just weird/ignorant stuff that white/cis/het people say. For example: “That’s such a unique name :)”/”Where are you from?” (from white people) (although funnily enough, I also get asked where I’m from when I go to India bc of my American accent. 1st gen immigrant culture is not fitting in anywhere lmao). Any time straight people ask me about crushes/getting married/having kids/whether I think [insert generic looking cishet guy] is hot. Like I know I’m not attracted to men but come on straight girls, there’s better looking men out there. Also cis people who immediately Gender Me upon looking at me or say stuff like “you would look so nice in a dress/makeup/anything conventionally feminine :)” Oh yeah, also my college campus has a problem with random Christian clubs trying to relentlessly get people passing on the street to join them (and there’s been legit cults that weren’t actually official clubs), and it’s so hard to get out of talking to them because once they find out I’m atheist they immediately want to convert me