#but all the tweets and news on it are taking a toll on me

[spacelazarwolf]

if you want to answer (and i totally understand if you dont), who do you think bombed the hospital in gaza? ive seen a lot of different people talking about it and blaming different people & organizations and you seem like you know a lot aboit i/p

IMPORTANT TO NOTE: i am not a news source. i am some guy with access to the internet. please follow the links in this post, as well as doing your own research. please do not use social media posts exclusively as your source of news, and please continuously read and compare several different accredited news sources. keep on top of new sources and evidence that are being put out to ensure that you have the most up-to-date information.

it's not really about who i think did it. i feel like that centers me in a thing that is very much not about me. but i'll give it my best shot.

we still do not have confirmation of how many were killed or who is at fault for the bombing. there are a lot of numbers and opinions floating around online, but as of 4pm on october 19th there has not been a consensus on either of these things from any accredited organizations.

that being said, here are the statements that have been put out as of the time i'm responding to this:

statements about death toll:

the gaza health ministry estimates between 200 and 471 dead

the director of al-shifa hospital where people were brought from al-ahli estimates 250 dead

an assessment from the us director of national intelligence estimates between 100 and 300

an analyst with the center for naval analysis, after viewing photos and video, said the death toll was closer to 50

statements about fault:

(taking these directly from the article)

J Andres Gannon, an assistant professor at Vanderbilt University, in the US, says the ground explosions appeared to be small, meaning that the heat generated from the impact may have been caused by leftover rocket fuel rather than an explosion from a warhead. Justin Bronk, senior research fellow at the UK-based Royal United Services Institute, agrees. While it is difficult to be sure at such an early stage, he says, the evidence looks like the explosion was caused by a failed rocket section hitting the car park and causing a fuel and propellant fire. Mr Gannon says it is not possible to determine whether the projectile struck its intended target from the footage he has seen. He adds that the flashes in the sky likely indicate the projectile was a rocket with an engine that overheated and stopped working. Valeria Scuto, lead Middle East analyst at Sibylline, a risk assessment company, notes that Israel has the capacity to carry out other forms of air strike by drone, where they might use Hellfire missiles. These missiles generate a significant amount of heat but would not necessarily leave a large crater. But she says uncorroborated footage shows a pattern of fires at the hospital site that was not consistent with this explanation.

Visual evidence from the blast site The BBC was able to match details of buildings and the layout of the Al-Ahli hospital site with publicly available satellite imagery, to establish the hospital was the scene of the blast. Based on available evidence, it appears the explosion happened in a courtyard which is part of the hospital site. Images of the ground after the blast do not show significant damage to surrounding hospital buildings. What the images do show are scorch marks and burnt-out cars.

where the explosive came from

so far, israel, hamas, and palestinian islamic jihad have all denied responsibility

channel 4 news reported that palestinian islamic jihad had uncovered a warhead but they have not produced it

in a since-deleted tweet, hananya naftali, a social media advisor for netanyahu, claimed that it was an israeli airstrike that hit the hospital. he followed up by stating that he had shared incorrect information based on a reuters headline that refered to an israeli airstrike

tentative conclusion based on sources:

what i gather from what i've read is that the blast was likely caused by a misfired rocket originating somewhere in gaza, and the blast was exacerbated by the fuel in the rocket. BUT, as i stated before, new information is always being put out. there could be evidence released tomorrow that it was an israeli air strike. there has been no conclusive evidence yet.

and perhaps the most important section:

what you can actually do to help

if you are in the us, call your representatives and urge them to support the resolution for a ceasefire

check out this list of verified aid groups (if there is not a ceasefire as soon as possible, it won't matter what aid is sent to them and if they cannot get the supplies into gaza, so refer back to the first bulletpoint)

send a donation to your local synagogue(s) and mosque(s) to help them offset the rising costs of security

take a moment to be a human. don't think about the numbers. don't think about the politics. think about the human beings who lost their lives, and the people who are mourning them. the mothers who will never see their children again, the children who will grow up without parents. what did they have for breakfast? what was their favorite song? when was their birthday? were they afraid? were they in pain? what can we do to ensure this does not happen again?

#ask avishai #i/p

[sonicreferencephotos]

I ALSO dont rlly like sss but u asking ppl not to play it is so funny T.T just bc its rlly not that fun? like i wouldnt exactly recommend it, but ur point of the devs not having much time to finish things is pure speculation. they have to develop things weeks/months in advance. theyre just shitty devs.

It's not just speculation. I have not personally worked for Gamefam, but me saying that the devs are getting crunched was based largely on the fact that Sonic Speed Simulator makes a point of advertising their weekly updates

Obviously, they don't make an entire update worth of content in a single week, but they still have to move things along pretty quickly in order to have something ready to release every week.

Also important to note is that ex-Gamefam employees have made many allegations against the company, stating that there was a terrible crunch to push out content, that they were underpaid, that Gamefam threatened to take action against employees who discussed their wages — which is illegal by the way —and that they were terminated with little to no warning, including many who were allegedly laid off before the holidays. Details are below the cut.

An article from The Gamer included statements made by former employees. One employee claimed to have received an email informing them they had been fired three days after the date the email said they were fired on

"According to a screenshot of the apparent termination email, they were told on October 31 that they were fired on October 28"

Another specifically mentioned the crunch

"'While I was employed under Gamefam it was a constant struggle due to heavy crunching in the development team,' they continue. 'We were mandated to update Sonic Speed Simulator every week. this was a heavy toll on my mental and physical self [sic].'"

Additionally

"Multiplesources [sic] put the lowest average Roblox salaries between $32,000 and $35,000"

Gamefam denied the allegations, which then led to more former employees speaking out about the poor work environment.

One employee, Joshua DeBoer, reported facing trouble after discussing wages with other employees. From a Games Industry article

"DeBoer claims that as he presented the salary concerns to CEO Joe Ferencz, the executive said, 'Do you think it's good to go among your colleagues and spread dissatisfaction? You need to be seen as a leader if you want to stay here long.'"

Bloxy News further elaborated

"DeBoer was then suspended for a week [...] According to a Tweet put out by DeBoer, Gamefam forced him to reveal by name who he was discussing wages with, and also threatened to fire him if he continued to do so. Gamefam also failed to pay DeBoer’s final paycheck with the company on time, and refused to let him exercise stock options after repeated attempts."

DeBoer took this to the National Labor Relations Board, resulting in Gamefam settling by giving him a $5,000 bonus, and sending a notice to all employees, shared by Polygon

“WE WILL NOT tell you that it is toxic or poisonous to the company if you talk to coworkers about pay,”

Maybe it's just me, but that feels like a very passive aggressive way to phrase that.

It's possible that the devs aren't very good, but even if that's the case, there's a lot indicating a toxic work environment built around crunch culture. It's true that my previous post about SSS included some of my speculations about why exactly the game has the issues it has, such as positing that many elements of the game are poorly set up in order to encourage microtransactions, but the idea of the devs being rushed is not purely based on my own assumptions.

I will admit to being a biased party, due to disliking the game but playing multiple hours a week to get reference pictures of the week's content before it's gone, but I have tried to keep this post mostly limited to known facts, or statements by people who have actually worked on Speed Sim.

People are welcome to play the game if they so desire. The main reason I add disclaimers is because, while it's ultimately their decision what games they play, I don't want to be the one encouraging people to play it.

Hopefully this helped clear things up. You can look at any of the linked articles for more information. You can also direct more questions to me, but as far as the allegations go, my knowledge is limited to what I found reading through those articles. This is definitely a longer response than you were looking for, but I wanted to give a proper explanation

#asks #not references #sonic speed simulator #roblox #gamefam

[tstwitterupdates]

I hate to have to be the one to say this, but can we NOT keep slandering poor Thomas? He's just trying to do what he loves and enjoys. He's not perfect but who the hell is? I've seen far too many posts being made talking about how terrible he is, from not taking care of himself to ignoring other projects, and to overdoing the Orange hype. He's fucking enjoying himself, he's doing what he loves, and every hour I see a new post talking about how he's either doing too much, not doing enough, or doing it all wrong. Let Thomas do what he does. Yes, it's taking a toll on him. That's for HIM to deal with. Let HIM deal with HIS problems.

sorry that i bothered you, i don’t mean any disrespect towards thomas. im just voicing my frustration with the way things are happening but i don’t know who or what is to blame about everything. i apologize for coming across like attacking thomas i don’t want to do that. his work means a lot to me and since i care so much i get angry sometimes, as well as other fanders.

i’m sorry, i’ll try to limit how much i post about the topic, i promised i’d try to keep this blog on topic and i am getting off topic with these asks. i’ll answer the ones i have in my inbox later at night and maybe all together in one post under a read more so it’s less intrusive for the rest of you.

also please block the tag #ts criticism (or #ask or #not a tweet) so you don’t have to see all this stuff. this is a blog to post about thomas’ updates so it is for y’all to have easy access to all that stuff, yes. but also this is my blog so i decide what to post. there’s this tool for you to hide what you don’t want to see, please use it.

#ts criticism #ask #not a tweet

[fandomdaydreamer]

The Lighthouse and The Ocean

Pt 25 - Tragically Longing

Pairing: Pedro Pascal/OFC

Warnings: angst, valium consumption

Summary: Pedro's and Nini's break up takes a heavy toll on her until she receives an unexpected visitor on Christmas Eve.

Notes: Also find this fic on Ao3 -here- or the series' Masterlist and Playlist -here-

Sorry for the wait, life's been sooo busy Q_Q

Length: 8k

~

The Tweet had followed a couple of days after our break up.

Pedro Pascal he/him;

I am disgusted by my so called "caring fans" who send @ninivanfleet hate or threaten her! Please be sensitive, for this is painful enough.

What a noble way of finally publicly admitting that we weren't together anymore.

Of course, words of our break up had gotten out, right along with rumours of one heartbroken Pedro Pascal moping about in forced society.

Truth be told, I didn't even blame him for the severe backlash I received because if he even felt half as miserable as I, he would have broken down and cried every time anyone on the job had come up to ask if he was okay. But guess who was the bad guy? The one having pictures of him running through the streets of Brooklyn with a bouquet of flowers or the one who had released an aloof rock song that was addressing her ex?

The unmistakable sound of eggs cracking against my door and my security yelling at the perpetrators rang through the living room. So let them, I thought and dug deeply into my ice-cream. It reminded me about the fact that this was entirely my fault.

At one point in my life, I must have forgotten what real hurt felt like. It was the incomparable sensation of keep hanging on, full of heartache and anger and still, endlessly in love. None of it made sense, the suddenty of our break up, the excruciating pain and tragical longing. No amount of screaming or crying would ever help.

I wasn't in touch with life itself anymore for the time I hadn't seen the light of day. I had come to merely endure it while Nine Inch Nails blared through the house.

Everything I know goes away in the end

I kept eating my chocolate brownie Ben and Jerry's, slowly spiralling into the song's heavy music as I sprinkled my desert with two valium and fed myself a spoon full of misery.

I will let you down, I will make you hurt

New tears spilt down my cheeks when I looked back ahead. As often these last couple of days, I remembered the things Pedro and I had said to each other. Hurtful things that had torn away the ground beneath my feet, things I'd never expected to come from him. Not him.

How badly I just wanted to beg him to come back.

Alas, the harsh bangs of whatever rotten stuff hitting my door and office windows were not easily mistaken for a visitor. Still placing full spoons of soft ice cream into my mouth, I was tempted to throw the pint down the hall and at my door.

"Fuck off!" I yelled against the music instead and scared the cat to flee upstairs again, poor thing.

Too many days and worried friends later, there were still no messages or calls from Pedro, even after I had given in and tried calling him. I only reached voice mail and broke connection before the beep. No visit or tearful reunion would ever happen or even a fantasy of me heartlessly turning him out again after he begged me to take him back. No, it seemed he was determined to keep his word. He stayed away and I stayed stagnant, lying here for hours or for weeks.

Until the contracted interviews spent hidden behind dark sunglasses, with constant supervision and fake smiles. There wasn't really a night show to appear on or stage lights to feel exposed in or a hyped up audience who listened to the fruits of my love and heartbreak. There was only the possibility that all of this was just a bad dream and I had taken enough pills not to notice.

The audience roared. Mere moments later I blinked and suddenly I was backstage again, ripping the wires off my body. They were still cheering for Pedro's song when I walked through the exit and wiped away my tears.

Fingers prodded at my cheek and neck. The hand on my shoulder felt invasive, my skin was cold an numb. "Oh, no, darling. Not again." A dull, faraway voice rang past my veil of vengeful bitter thoughts and sweet valium hazed memories. The people's silhouettes looked like my friends, but my vision refused to focus for a few seconds. "Nnno, leave me." I mumbled tiredly and almost went back to sleep to ignore Hugh tutting about and sorting through my mess while Olivia went to flush my pills down the toilet. "Don' tell Tom." I only managed to say, fearing my best friend would leave me too if he knew I had broken my promise to never rely on tranquilizers again.

Sammi had been the one examining my pitiful, drugged condition. "It's alright, come here. Hang on, baby, hand on-" Strong arms picked me up and next thing I knew, I was put into bed, dozing in and out of consciousness in the ambiguous light of the Venetian blinds.

I just wanted to sleep and have dreams. Dreams of a wide ocean and warm brown eyes and an even warmer laugh. His picture on my nightstand, his clothes on my chair, and me in my bed without the warmth of my life.

"Promise me to keep an eye on her?" Olivia's voice. "Of course." Sammi sighed from somewhere at the foot of my bed as he tucked in my feet.

His sweet but muted, incoherent voice telling me that I'd be alright again only made me cry into my donkey stuffie.

Yet here I lay for another week, worn out and unwilling, barely even present, wondering if I'd ever rest in peace.

On Christmas Eve I finally promised myself to start healing and accept Hugh and Sammi's help. I sent the security home to their families and visited my neighbours and pump some life into me with a rich variety of food and some of Sammi's famous umm-ali pudding. Somehow they even succeeded in making me smile again with their uplifting trash-talk and sweet Doo-Wop atmosphere.

It meant much to me but nevertheless, I had called it an early night and dropped onto my side of the wall. After a lengthy call with my grandparents, I decided I would take the next flight to London tomorrow morning. It was the first day I met with hope. Hope that I could disappear for a while and take some time off.

My own song played in the kitchen when I came home to my cat and I shut the radio with a sigh. 'The Lighthouse And The Ocean' was hitting the top ten charts. Not that Pedro cared. "I wonder what became of the original record I sent him." I muttered, more to myself than my cat. "Maybe he threw it in the dust bin or melted it. Maybe he made the disc a frisbee and it's lying a ditch somewhere. Stupid, he could have least sold it on eBay." I tutted.

Poentje grumbled, otherwise, everything remained quiet. My brain wasn't muddled with medication anymore. It had begun to snow outside and though I was tired, a softness I hadn't allowed to resurface before made me yearn for comfort instead of self-destruction. Sometimes, it was just you and some leftover Manakeesh against the world. This was good. Maybe I'd even touch my guitar again.

My voice had grown only weary these days. "Zuur pruim," I pouted at my cat when she turned her nose at my affections. I was in desperate need of a cuddle but she was having one of her stubborn episodes, most likely the aftermath of the rock music abuse. "We got you a ragdoll, they said, ragdolls always want to cuddle, they said," I complained, chewing and faking my insult.

A sad smile grew on my lips when I got an idea and abandoned my greasy food. "Just wait, I know exactly what you like." I left my living room, hurried up the stairs and into my closet to open a drawer and pull out the softest jumper I 'didn't' own, the grey cashmere one that belonged to Ewan and my cat adored even more than me.

Replacing it with my current piece of clothing, it dawned on me that I had a stereotypical habit of never returning my ex's clothes. But when I pulled it over my head, I immediately basked in its softness and regretted nothing.

Downstairs, Poentje's yellow orbs lit up when I emerged with one raised brow, presenting Ewan's very long-sleeved jumper like I wore it for a fashion show. "Like what you see?" I asked her and mirrored her arrogance from earlier when I strutted past her towards my sofa. My back had barely hit the cushions when my little purring machine had already climbed onto my belly and started kneading dough. "Aha," I said in triumph but my initial victorious feeling was replaced by utter sadness. I was comforted by someone who loved me no matter what.

The heartbreaking realisation that I was apart from the one person I needed it from most struck something devastating inside me and my eyes welled up with tears again. It resulted in my cat chucking up and down with the sobs I produced. Yet Poentje purred loudly and stepped onto my chest, kneading my boobs and staring at me through soothing cat eyes. I cradled her soft body and she let me squish her against my chest. "I miss him so much." I cried miserably to her but the feeling only intensified as soon as I had admitted it. My cries poured into the room until my cat got uncomfortable and bolted at the hysteria.

She looked up at me expectantly, licking her lips. I sighed. It was either taking care of her or passing out in tears again. "Why are you hungry all the time these days?" I quizzed her uselessly. "Chicken soup, how's that sound?" Poentje meowed with a high voice I knew was her agreeing statement. I sniffed and walked over towards the kitchen. Maybe I could make do with a distraction. Maybe I had some stuff I could use to make biscuits from scratch.

The little song I sang her sounded nasal and pitiful. Poentje received her dinner while I collected the ingredients for granny's famous gingerbread men and I selected a soul playlist. Every song would make me cry but I could try my best.

Hey, this was good. I could do this. I could move on. Eventually. After a while, my apron was over and over scattered with flour and bits and pieces of dough. I had made a mess out of my kitchen during my manic baking episode but it blended in perfectly with the mess around my entire living space.

Soul music continued ringing familiar tunes over towards my spacious kitchen area. Keeping myself busy was helping and made me feel less alone. Although Poentje didn't like gingerbread and I didn't know if she could even appreciate Otis Redding.

The night continued while my thoughts drifted into a fantasy realm of the potential happiness that had slipped through my fingers. If only Pedro would call back. If only he'd show up on my doorstep and let me hug him close. How often had I thought we'd finally found the one? It had been so easy to tell ourselves we were already married and were meant to be a real family one day.

I sobbed at my already tear-infused dough, wiping my eyes with a sleeve until they felt raw and puffy and then I cried some more.

Pedro deserved the world and now I knew I wouldn't be in it. He was also a huge arsehole and I imagined his stupid face in my dough as hit it with the rolling pin. "You said you'd never leave me!" Bang bang bang! Poentje jumped off the bar. All those broken promises. Lies. "Motherfucker!"

'Slip Away' started playing and I lay the pin down gently again and rolled it out evenly, cutting out my gingerbread men and painting second tray of them in butter.

I sniffed into my elbow and caught one last tear before I refused to start crying about the painfully obvious, mainly why I kept ending up alone. I had managed to fuck up every single relationship of my life but I was determined to never love again. I've had it.

The first tray of of gingerbread biscuits was waiting to cool off and I hadn't even gotten rid of my apron yet when the doorbell rang.

"Pedro?" My head shot up in hope. Maybe it was him. Whoever it was, they had to have had the code to my gate. I ran to the door and ripped it open.

Specks of snow had settled onto his coat and beanie and the warm light from the inside of my house illuminated a face I had so dearly missed and yet had dreaded to ever see again. The cold night air hit my body and still, I could have sworn the sensation of feeling solidly frozen came from being caught in his eyes.

My lack of energy didn't make me sound as surprised as I really was. "Ewan." I gasped, having never expected 'him' to show up.

Nonetheless, Ewan smiled as if the sun was radiating from inside of him. That cheeky, toothy grin of his, the kind of smile that made you think he'd invented it. "Happy Christmas, Nini. I- umm... I wasn't sure you'd be home." He said, slightly breathless.

"Hap- Happy... Christmas. What are you doing here?" I stammered, still looking down at him from the top of my stairs. It was only then that I noticed the beautifully wrapped present in his hands.

"I came to give you this." Ewan held out the present and I gingerly took it while carefully avoiding to let our hands touch.

"All the way from LA?" I replied, feeling as puzzled as ever when I looked back into his blue eyes. This was overwhelmingly awkward but he was not an unwelcome guest. "Would you like to come in?" I asked anyway, sounding a little nasal. "I wouldn't want you to freeze to death and I made gingerbread."

A somewhat strange expression appeared on his face for only a split of a second. Almost as if hurt and sorrow mingled with his surprise at my simple offer of hospitality. "I would love to." He gulped out.

I stepped aside to let him pass into the house and close the door behind him. "What was that smell?" He asked curiously. Ewan shivered out the cold clinging to his limbs. Like old friends, we greeted each other with friendly kisses on our cheeks and I smiled when he remembered the Dutch kissed each other three times.

"Rotten eggs people tend to throw these days." I excused the faint odour lingering on my porch, even after the regular cleaning service one of my friends had organised. "But it keeps the bugs away." I sarcasmed as Ewan began shrugging off his winter clothes. His hair had become somewhat floppy in the front and he ran a hand through his thick stubble. The navy blue jumper suited him. Putting his coat on the hanger to dry, he moved so naturally like he'd just done this yesterday and in a way, it was hard to imagine that he ever went away.

"Oh, yes. Christmas bugs." Ewan grinned broadly and at least made it sound like this made total sense.

My smile grew tired.

"I see you were busy. I hope I'm not intruding." Ewan noticed and I shed the kitchen gear in an awkwardly flustered way.

"No, well... at least you're not Carol singers." I joked dryly. I was still holding my oven miffs and looked down to see the mess on my apron, wishing I had put more effort into presenting myself at the door. Oh fuck, I was wearing his jumper.

"I can still sing you a Carol." Ewan promptly began teasing me in his good natured way and before I could protest, he began singing, softly and wonderfully. "In the bleak midwinter, Long, long ago-"

Grinning, I could hardly hold his gaze and I rolled my eyes about at the blush creeping up my cheeks. When he managed to catch my eyes again, he sang into my face. "Angels and Arc Angels may have travelled there." Finally, I gave in, harmonising with his tune until my voice cracked and my eyes began to sting with fresh tears.

Ewan's expression turned tender and worried. "You've been crying." Ewan noticed and I bit my lip to hold back a sob.

I nodded but refused to cry in front of him. "Pedro and I broke up," I explained the obvious and he cooed at me, rubbing my arms in a comforting way. "Yes, I... I heard. What an idiot." He remarked and I shook my head.

I somehow put up a too-brave femme fatale act to amuse us both. "It's probably okay. I live for raw emotions. Yes, I already made up my mind." I shrugged and threw my hands up. "Become a sad and possibly problematic rock star. Sex, drugs and rock'n roll. Live fast, die young, become a legend. Forever beautiful and tragic." I predicted and believed that my new year's resolutions consisted of becoming the most disastrous version of myself.

"Oh, you always were dramatic," Ewan replied with a tut, leaning in with a warm smile until I scoffed at him in a rather fond sort of grumble. "I wish I could say it'll get easier." He added.

"Life?" I asked, bitterly and let him walk me into my house while I turned my present in my hands, stopping myself from showing too much of my inner turmoil. Maybe he had come here just to go down memory lane and give me a hard time.

"Or love." Ewan laughed or maybe, just guessed. "If it's any comfort to you, I was kicked out too." He said with a sudden weariness in his voice and I frowned, turning back to him.

"Shit- the wedding?" "Paid for." "Damn." "Yeah."

"I'm so sorry. How could I feel comforted at that?" Hugging him was an impulsive reaction but it was nice and he pulled me closer with a sigh. "Yeah, me too. Shite holidays for the both of us."

"It's really good to see you though," I admitted back at arm length. Despite everything, his presence was comfort, he felt like family, like history. An old friend I didn't know I needed.

A fuzzy dark head poked out of the cat tree and began to cuddle against the fluffy little nook as soon as she saw Ewan walk in. "Oh, look who it is! Hello, Poen." He petted my cat's head and I was surprised at how loud her half purr, half meow had been. "I think she missed you." I wondered and watched her jump down towards him to practically slam herself against his leg and let him pet her. Honestly, where was the sisterhood solidarity? I crossed my arms and scolded her with a silent glare.

Poentje blinked at me and strode off to possibly find another napping spot and knock herself out on my bed upstairs.

"Tea?" I offered, finally remembering what a good host was supposed to behave like. "Yes, please," Ewan quickly replied. Walking into the kitchen area while unfastening my apron, I was only half aware that he slowly followed behind.

"It smells fantastic," Ewan noticed as I busied myself with the kettle and the selection of the tea brand I knew he liked best.

"You know my gran's recipe but oh, better don't eat any, I think I cried on most of them." I cringed at the plate of perfectly fine-looking gingerbread men.

"Should I reconsider then? Oh, wait not a chance." He looked like a child on literally Christmas Eve when he took a shaped biscuit and settled on the stool behind the kitchen counter.

I awaited his reaction as he sank his teeth into the man, biting his arm off and his eyes lit up in delight. "How are they even better than I remember?" He asked, watching me select a gingerbread man myself and chew on his head.

"I added orange zest this time. Some extra heartbreak too. Makes it oh, so sweet." My words had taken a sharp edge.

"Delicious." "Oi." I snickered with him while he profusely apologised for the really bad joke.

When the kettle was done boiling I let the tea brew in silence as if the task of dipping the bags into hot water required my fullest attention. But when it was time to add the milk, I had no excuse left to not face him again. Setting his mug in front of him, we finally took an honest look at each other and I could see he was tired and troubled. A guarded conflict stirred behind those eyes I'd sung songs about.

"Thanks." His expression was strange. He had obviously noticed that I was wearing his jumper and I sighed, not even caring about what he thought of it.

"Ewan?" I asked carefully and although he didn't answer, he was listening. "Don't get me wrong but I know when you're acting, I mean.. hiding something. You don't have to. Not with me."

It was only then that I was met with an expression which slowly betrayed a hidden sadness. Ewan took his time before he could muster a reply and I didn't push.

"You always see right through me, don't you?" he circled his mug and made little waves ripple through the milky liquid. The memory our past relationship was implied and it bothered me that he was sitting here, reviving my hurt and crumbling down my progress. It felt like bitter-sweet torture.

"Were you only just delivering a present? What are you really doing here?" I asked, poking the box with my index finger.

He looked up from his tea. "I know you just got back from a job and just broke up with someone and I will leave if you need a little peace and quiet but... My daughters are with their mum over the holidays and I.. well, I guess I wanted to see a friendly face. Thought we might both be happy with some company." After a pause to let his explanation sink in, I gave him a compassionate smile and nearly touched his hand to show him he was not alone, retreating last second. I couldn't help but feel bad I had not wasted a thought about how he might have been all this time. Turned out we were both a bit lonely while everyone else was with their families. "I'm sorry to hear that," I said, abandoning the gingerbread and cupping my mug for warmth.

"Don't be," Ewan replied softly, lifting one corner of his lips.

Secretly, I was pleased that we had gotten to a point in our post-relationship friendship where we could turn towards each other if we were two sad, abandoned singles who felt like retreating into mutual understanding. We didn't need to explain ourselves to each other, we never had to. Of course, I would be there for him if he needed me, even if it meant that I could only offer my sympathies when he had broken up with someone as well. That must have been cruel for both of them. After all, they had been planning to get married. Pedro and I had only lasted one month.

"Shall I open it?" I suggested as a change of topic, sounding a bit more cheerful as I pulled at the silver satin ribbon and raised one eyebrow. "What is it?" He chuckled and instead of giving into my inquiry, his eyes twinkled and he took a quiet sip of tea.

It was a flat box with a lid and when I had removed that too, I was met with the sparkling reflection of dainty, silver hair combs in the shape and texture of crystal daisy flowers. My breath had become a little shallow as I took in their magnificence. "Ewan, they're beautiful." I raised one of the combs from the box and noticed that it was heavier than I had thought.

I began fumbling with my messy braid and tidy it up a bit but Ewan was quick to assist. "Allow me?" He offered and I nodded. I turned my back to him while he rounded the bar and approached me from behind. Silently, I let him arrange my hair and for the first time during a very long and carefully kept distance, his fingers were touching the skin on the side of my neck. Practised fingers from years of doing his daughters' hair gathered my braid into a knot until I felt Ewan sink the combs into my hair and hold it in place.

His melodic voice behind me grew quiet, for he was right behind my ear. "I don't know what's normally the custom for what to gift one's former girlfriend but even if it's not pretty jewellery, it reminded me of you and I thought you needed to have it." I hadn't realised I had been holding my breath until I turned back to him and let him twirl my curtain fringe to shape them around my face. I was smiling before even looking up and seeing him standing right in front of me.

"Thank you," I whispered, smiling despite my slight discomfort. He was close. Way too close. I had genuine friendly platonic feelings for him and wished he wouldn't ruin it. Holding his gaze, I frowned at this suspicious behaviour. What were we doing?

Ewan took a breath as if he wanted to say something and he chose not to take my hands into his, even though I saw he would have wanted to. Instead, he took a step back and put his hands into his trouser pockets.

It was almost like shame struck him then. "I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me." He nearly turned away, grinning shyly.

Finally, our mutual awkwardness relieved some of my tension. "It's okay. We're both in a vulnerable state." I accepted it and tried a step towards healing. "What happened?"

Ewan struggled to tell me but eventually, he admitted. "I heard your songs. Well, and so did my fiancée." He said, his grumpiness then changing into tenderness. "They're beautiful and I- I didn't know you had this in you- and then I got a bit too defensive about them I guess. About you."

I was torn between guilt and compassion. "Ewan, I'm so sorry. Shit, I keep ruining everything, I-" I cried but Ewan interrupted, gathering my hands in his.

"No, no, you're soaring, darling girl. Don't ever apologise. I just- I know I hurt you. You said, in your songs, how much you miss me and I couldn't bare the thought of... taking the light inside of you and it..." He shook his head. "It killed me."

My hand came to rest on his reddish bearded cheek. "You didn't take anything," But assuring him of this seemed to make him even sadder. I stopped smiling, realising the touch was too familiar.

"Here you are, treating me with kindness when we both know I didn't deserve it." He replied, taking my hand from resting on the side of his face to hold it. "When I rang your doorbell, I didn't know what to expect. Maybe that you would turn me away and slam the door but-" his voice cracked. "-you invited me in for... gingerbread." The waterlines in Ewan's eyes were shimmering when he finally looked up again. He had laughed out those last pair of words and the raw emotion in his voice had caused a tear to run down my cheek.

Ewan saw it before I had a chance to wipe it away. "I'm sorry." He told me. "I seem to keep doing that."

My voice sounded strange to my ears. "Yes, you are." A moment, in which we both didn't know what to say passed through us.

This was the difference between Ewan and Pedro. Ewan made me feel small and delicate in a way I couldn't imagine being anything but perfect and sensitive for him in every way. With Pedro, I had allowed my faults to surface unfiltered because I knew he accepted me with all of my layers, and let me be vulnerable the way I needed to be. I used to cut parts of myself off in a destructive manner to fit into the person I was before but that wasn't possible anymore because I found that nothing was like it used to be

I chuckled. "What happened to the good old, 'I miss you' text from your ex?" I guessed.

Ewan joined in with my restrained laugh. For a moment, it seemed like bitterness and regret had struck him. He took a moment to gather his courage. "He does... miss you." "Ewan-" "More than you think." I didn't know what to say but he beat me to it anyway. He gulped heavily. "You're right. I'm not... I'm not over you."

"No." I frowned, not believing him and looked down at our hands to pull mine back and hug myself. "You might miss me more than you remember me." I turned away when his presence started to hurt again. It was true, I had just taken it as a fact that I had closed this chapter of my life. Why was he telling me this?

Our eyes met, mine hazy, his begging me to listen. "I miss your laugh, your jokes... your kindness. The way you sing when you're busy or the creative, yet absolute mess you leave behind in every room." We looked at the kitchen and both cracked up a smile at the evidence. "I remember, all the things I did not appreciate enough... and which memory only seem to be opening my eyes now that they're gone."

I closed mine so I could gather a clear thought. "Where were you six months ago to tell me that? I can't do this anymore."

"I didn't know what I wanted." "Yes, you did. You wanted to get married!" "And you wanted to be with Pedro." "Maybe it only means we both tend to drive our partners away cruelly."

Ewan shrugged with a nearly cocky smile playing on his lips. "Seems like we could make a good pair after all." He concluded.

I let out a deep breath, shaking my head at him. "We deserve more than being each other's consolation, not feel like the unclaimed prize at some kind of wheel of fortune." I tried to reason. We just weren't meant to be.

"I know." Ewan sighed and I felt his hand on my arm, thumb gently brushing against his jumper. Slowly, he started to speak. "But just know- there's no one like you, you're so sweet and gentle and... funny. You're a big win, never a consolation prize." He said, sincere and uplifting.

"Thank you." It made me smile, yet I sighed and channelled my last bit of humour. "And here I thought you were living your life. I should have told you that in case you ever have a bad day, just remember you were a sensitive topic in my relationship."

It made him chuckle a little and it grew on me, warming me up inside.

I could finally breathe more freely and left his proximity, realising I wasn't being myself. I didn't want Ewan here and my voice finally showed it. "I used to think you left a hole in my life but I have just begun healing things that haf already been messed up with... light and happiness and with lasagna with an enye," I argued, bordering on grief.

Ewan didn't understand, of course, but he didn't ask either. I thought about the happiest time of my life and bubbling laughter and about the easiness and freedom I had never experienced with another person before. None of those feelings could be provoked by Ewan. They belonged to Pedro and me. "Now that's over too but you know me, right? I don't know how to let go."

It was all too much. I paced the room, feeling hot and cold and itchy. Slight panic crept onto me and I circled my bracelet around my wrist in a hurry.

"I feel dizzy," I admitted and felt my body tilt forward. Ewan caught me and held me up by my arms. "Please, let me help you sit down."

With what felt like clouds in my lightheaded mind, I smiled at the way he spoke with a soft Scottish lilt. It was in this moment of weakness that I wanted to just row back and fall into his arms. Return to what I assumed would be easy and familiar. Numbed down and perfectly content in docility.

Ewan directed me towards the living room area and I sat me down on my sofa. He left to grab something from the kitchen and sat right next to me as soon as he returned. I accepted the glass of cool tap water but recoiled at the faint smell of chlorine. "Thank you," I said anyway and forced myself to take a sip.

I wiped away another tear when I continued to spill my heart out. "I just wish I didn't have a heart at all. You said it yourself, I shouldn't loved you either."

"No, Nini-" "Yes, that's what you said." I was close to sobbing and I let myself be held by him.

"But it's not what I meant." He spoke in such earnestness I could almost believe him.

Ewan let his hand rest on my lower back to offer me comfort. "I said it because I was absolutely crazy about you and calling it off was the hardest thing to do because it was unfair to you. Maybe if I hadn't been such an arse, we would still... if you could ever forgive me-"

"Oh, why are you saying these things? I accepted your apology already." I gasped for words. Have mercy.

I turned away from him with a laugh. "I poured my love into that song when I wrote it but it wasn't a recent feeling, let me be clear. I published 'Blue Eyes' because it's a good song." I had almost had enough. "Ewan, what do you want from me?"

He looked at me with sad eyes. "I can't bear to see you hurt." he began. "And I had to know how you felt about me." I had to take myself away from him because I couldn't pretend there were only cold feelings between us. I knew I could have done worse than loving him.

I couldn't escape his gravity but the memories and feelings kept coming back. My head sank onto his shoulder so softly. I could just give in, I was nearly there. Why did I let him card his fingers through my hair and kiss the top of my head like this? Why did I let my body sink against his body and return to him when it made me feel homesick for a place I would never see again? Did he think he could just turn up out of the blue and expect me to start things over when whom I really wanted was Pedro... I wasn't considering it... I wasn't- I was so sad, I would die for the feeling of being loved again.

Regret, that we had lost us too. Now we were in the same boat. Both, desperate to revert into comfort. We would kiss and everything would go back to the way it was.

With all the strength I had left, I broke our longing gaze and lifted my body up and away from him. "Ewan, we can't do this. I can't tear open an old wound, can't risk another heartbreak." I whispered and turned my face the other way and yet, I felt a hand tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. He caressed my cheek with the back of his fingers afterwards, like he had done so many times before.

"I understand." He smiled and his voice sounded so pleasantly smooth when he spoke beside me. "I know I will never deserve you but if there's one thing I don't regret, it's the time spent with you. I would have not gone back home if there had been even the smallest chance that you had wanted this."

Our eyes met and I remembered the way I had looked at him more than ten years ago. Adoring, for there was nobody whom I had loved for so long. I touched his face with such slight and tiny butterfly caresses and then my hand smoothed out the hair on the side of his head.

The devil on my shoulder told me that kissing Ewan could never feel as wrong as it should. His nose was tilted at mine and my breath must have grazed his for a second. Maybe my downfall would be my fault because I was dangerously close to kissing him. He would push me back into the cushions. He would kiss me like he had come back and he would taste like tea and gingerbread.

Our bodies gravitated towards one another and as I leaned in, I felt him drowning out all of the alarms that had been ringing inside me. Could we really try again? It could feel serene, numbing. Would I even care if I made the same mistake twice? His eyes flickered down to my lips and he carefully closed the distance. We could try.

Wait a minute. Rewind.

A mere inch away from his lips, my eyes shot up and I felt the gears turn in my head. Promptly, I pushed myself away by a hand firmly placed on his chest. "Not go back? Wait, did you or did you not break up with your fiancée for a chance to get back together with me or-" I was about to pass this as a stupid thought when I caught a glimpse in his eyes. They darted to the side and the way he looked at me afterwards and didn't respond spoke a thousand volumes. His body had tensed up and he failed to speak the truth or even exhale.

The strand of hair fell back in my face as I tilted my head in disbelief.

"Oh.. my god." I suddenly felt repulsed and got away from him. "You didn't break up with her at all! You're still engaged? And you're here trying to kiss me? What the fuck is wrong with you?" I cried out angrily.

He tried to hold me back by my elbow. "Just one word from you and I will call off the wedding."

I shrugged him off. 'Homewrecker', the last point on my list of faults. "Oh, no! Nooo no no, no. This cannot be happening again. You know what? That's it." I jumped up and leaned over him, spitting out my rage. "I can't believe I almost fell for that twice. I was this close-" I showed him how close by bringing my fingers an inch apart together. "-to let myself be wrapped around your finger again, letting you into my life- my... my bed- while a hurt woman is sitting at home, hoping she's the only one for you. Am I supposed to feel flattered?" I practically yelled out.

I threw my hands up. "Well, if this is closure, then it's a good thing." Strangely, I felt nothing but release. All this tension, heavy weight and guilt fell off my shoulders as they shook with a cold, ironic kind of laughter. Count myself deluded, he hadn't changed one bit. Oh, I was so done with him.

"Why?"

"Because you're a fucking ocean and I'm an ocean and we can't be a lighthouse for each other."

"What? Darling-" he began but I interrupted him, emphasising each word. "Don't darling me." I bit out. He had gotten up and it was obvious that I was inviting him to leave my house. "You should go back to your fiancée and if you have any decency, ask her to forgive you for deeming her one aspect of your choices. Or ask yourself if you're doing her or yourself a favour by getting married at all." I was finally putting a bullet into the head of our relationship. This wasn't the storm after the calm, this was the dying breath of whatever past we shared.

"I see, if this is the wrong time-" his silly excuse was interrupted by my moment of clarity.

"It's never the wrong time, it's just the wrong person." I closed my eyes against my palm, letting the truth sink in. This meant the right person at the wrong time was still the right person. Oh, Pedro. I was such a fool.

I sobbed out, desperately aware of whom I let simply leave. "I love Pedro and I met this person, you know this person I want to take care of and am comfortable with like I've known him my whole life and I don't have to pretend anymore, be something I'm not or be... anything. I've never- I've never cried so much because I finally thought I knew what true love was." I spoke through tears.

Of all people, I wouldn't have guessed that Ewan would be so moved by my outburst. His lips had parted as he truly reflected upon my heartbreak and seeing the tears forming in his eyes only made my cry harder and uglier. "Pedro said he loved me and I turned him out." I balled my hands into fists. "I loved him since the first time we met and I will love him forever and I wouldn't have it any other way."

A moment of silence and defeat wavered into the room, in which I sniffed my tears away.

"You need to go to him," Ewan said and I looked up from my hands.

"What?" I asked dumbly and found myself at the receiving end of a soft, compassionate smile.

"Tell him you love him. If the man has two wits together, he will beg you to take him back immediately." Ewan said. My gaze flickered back and forth, trying to find the lie in his eyes. "It's very clear to me. You both want to be with each other. What are you waiting for?" He said like it was just that easy.

Well, could he be right? Neither Pedro nor I could ever feel complete again. If I just vowed my undying love then, maybe...

Slowly, I started nodding. "You're right." Determination clawed at my bones. My skin felt antsy. "I'm going to tell Pedro I love him."

Ewan was properly grinning now. "There, that's the Nini I know."

I huffed out a confused laugh and was about to leave immediately when I smelt something burning. "Damnit, the biscuits!"

"Fuck the biscuits! I'll deal with it. You go." He ushered me away from the kitchen.

"Thank you," I said, hectic and passionately and kind of, still mad at his audacity. "For making me realise what's important. Show yourself out!" I threw back over my shoulder as I ran towards the door.

"Nini, wait!" "Hell, what now?" "A coat, put on a coat!" Ewan called after me and I yanked the first coat off the hanger I could find and jammed my feet into a random pair of boots.

"Goodbye, Ewan!" I slammed the door behind me, skittering to a halt at the edge of a pavement covered with a thin layer of snow.

"Taxi!" I screamed and put myself in harm's way to make it stop in the middle of the street. The driver honked at me but I had already ripped open the door and climbed in to shuffle into the seat and tell the him to push it. "To Red Hook! Go go go!"

I would knock on his door, I would knock it down if I had to, I'd cry out how much I loved him, that I wanted to share my life with him- should I have brought a ghetto blaster?

We were driving too slow, the traffic was riling up my nerves but I had a smile stretched from ear to ear when jumped to the edge of my seat. We were nearly there.

"Stop the car!" I ordered my driver and he looked back in confusion. "Ma'am?" "I said stop. I'm walking." I paid the man a hundred dollars and moved out of the taxi to run the last block while trying not to stumble across my open laces.

But just when I turned around the corner into his street, I was stopped dead in my track. My feet came to a skittering halt and the shock ran down my spine colder than the winter's chill.

There he was.

I saw Pedro walk down the road and I stared for a while as the world around me disappeared.

It was unmistakably him and he looked so well. Pedro was walking down the street towards me, to his apartment building with an umbrella in his hand and a gorgeous woman hooked onto his arm, shielding her from the snow as they talked and laughed.

My lips parted as I took in the scene before me. She was so pretty, young, with dark hair and long legs, a model beauty queen. Each carried a grocery bag under their arm and she leaned into Pedro who was grinning about something she said. He draped his arm around her shoulders and she gave him a long kiss on his cheek as she held his cloudless face in her palm. His hand rested on her back affectionately when they shared a laughter. My heart shattered anew.

I was cold but I shivered for a different reason. They walked inside, not noticing I stood here, nor anything around them.

I remained in the dark, freezing, undetected, watching them enter the building and disappear into the warm light with smiles on their beautiful faces.

The orange glow of the city lights got reflected in the white streets. The snow fell tantalising slow from the heavens as the innocent intruders on earth that they were.

I stood there for several more moments longer to digest what I had just seen. Pedro was fine, more than just fine apparently. What did I expect? He was a handsome and kind man, he could have anyone. It couldn't have been hard for him to find someone new fairly quickly. Too late. I was too late.

Looking up the snowfall without explanation, I wished it was me up there. All those white specks swam before my vision, spiralling down the black sky and circling so perfectly among their kind and yet so alone in their journey. I stared at the descending frost and could finally relate to their short existence as I imagined all the things I should have said and done to prevent this. As I caught a snowflake, I watched it melt in my hand and it was the saddest thing I'd ever seen.

I turned and felt numb as I walked home in whiteness, dragging my feet down the street and not caring about the world any longer once it had stopped turning. Walking along the empty street, my eyelids flickered like the movies, in a screening of my dream that had slipped out of reach.

~

Part 26

Translation notes:

(dut): Zuur prium - (eng): grump

#pedro pascal #pedro pascal fanfiction #pedro pascal fic #pedro pascal rpf #pedro nation #pedro pascal/oc #pedro pascal fanfiction series #pedro pascal ff #pedro pascal ao3 #pedro pascal actor fanfiction #pedro pascal fanfic #pedro pascal fandom #pedro pascal angst #angst #pedro pascal ofc

[em0tionl0rd]

Dear friends,

For anyone who has been a long-time follower or hasn't heard from me in a long time, years even, or has ever wondered/worried about me, this is for you:

The past few years have folded over like an accordion for me. A lot of horrible/terrible things have happened. And my memory is no longer what it used to be. My mind seems to naturally cope with trauma and any negative interactions by locking them away deep within it's confines. Despite this, I always try to stay positive, because I know nobody likes to hear about bad things because it only makes them feel bad. Worse, they feel bad for me, and I don't need need people's sympathy. I just need time to heal, and that's what I have been doing; Taking my time. Previous post on the matter.

It was just One thing after Another, for Years, and my mind's trauma response was to simply cope and continue to endure helplessly instead of push myself away from the situation I was in. You can really see this with my lack of activity on here through my Archive. (not including my art side-blog since I tend to just mass dump whatever art and doodles I've accumulated over there). I was active on Twitter for a bit during Tumblrs downturn, but then Twitter changed. I nuked my art account over there. It's empty. All the posts I made to nobody about my characters and headworld, gone. All because I didn't want my art and ideas stolen and used for Al training.

My main Twitter remains active. I just use it to reblog art now and casually tweet about stuff. Initially I used Twitter to follow content creators, but as my timeline got cluttered, I made alts to follow specific topics. I started using my main to follow news and current issues, and my art account to follow artists and content creators, which I still do, but I retweet to my main only. Then all my art likes stay on my art account and don't comingle with political issues.

I was going to work, and while I would work, I just kept thinking, non-stop. Thinking about all the bad things. Failing to distract myself with my own characters and my story universe. Unintentionally over-sharing with coworkers because at some point in my life I learned how to cope with my anxiety by talking, and talking, and talking.. Unintentionally forming bonds with people I should have never associated with because I felt so desperate for real human interaction other than what I imagined in my head. Something other than my daemons, my conscience, my delusions. The swirling thoughts, the nightmares, the dreams that haunted me just as much as my reality.

Every week, for years, I was experiencing these nightmares. Something would manifest in my room. I could sense it was there. I couldn't escape it. Even if I went to bed and tried my best not to think about it, it would get me. It enjoyed tormenting me.

I started to stay up later and later, fearing laying bed and being prone to this unseen entity. Hoping that depriving myself of sleep would help me fall asleep faster and whisk me away to the sanctity of dreams, but even then, I wasn't safe. If I ever overslept, or didn't do enough to make myself tired before bed, it would find me. If it was merely psychosis, I couldn't tell, because it felt so real.

Eventually, after everything I went through with my ex, things changed for the better, when it came to sleep at least. There was no longer a shadowy presence standing there, grinning at me feet from my bed, or watching me at my desk, waiting for me to go to bed. Instead, there were actual hallucinations. Sleep depravation had taken it's toll on me. My ex had kept me awake many, many nights during my workweek, and forced me to drink with him, or made noise that kept me awake because he would stay up all night.

I distinctly remember watching these long brown withered fingers reaching out of the utility closet in the bedroom while we were both sleeping, and shaking the door violently as if it were trying to get out/in. My eyes were open just enough while I was asleep for this to fully wake me up and scare me. I remember turning over to my ex whimpering and he didn't even care..

Then when he was finally gone (for good), I continued to hallucinate. I had gotten into such a habit of staying up, on top of my uncomfortable sleeping situation due to work related physical pain (among other things), that I started seeing full-body characters dancing in my doorframe. This was completely new to me because before, it was less of a visual hallucination and more like THERE IS A GHOST RIGHT THERE, and now it was more like my eyes were legit not working properly. I just remember staring at my door and seeing all the Digimon characters, full color and everything, dancing and moving around like my eyes were projecting a perfect recreation of them.

I noticed in the past that if I binged a certain amount of content, my eyes would start generating new versions of what I was looking at whenever I closed my eyes. Like my brain could take all this information and create something completely unique and original, which amazed me. For example, whenever I would browse Deviantart and look at character designs or dragons or something, I would close my eyes and every time I closed my eyes I would see a completely new and unique fleshed out design in full color. The downside was that they were usually too detailed for me to do justice in drawing.

I also just see ever-changing generic psychedelic patterns and colorful concentric waves at the edges of my vision. The only time I ever see these properly with my eyes fully open is if I'm staring at the ceiling or the grass or if I press my arm against my eyes. Then there was the one time I was flying out of LA and had taken a 1g thc tab while sleep deprived and noticed a little blob of rainbows in the plane window after take-off. (my ex pushed alcohol and weed on me really hard despite me not wanting anything to do with it bc i don't need it)

So anyway, I had binge watched Digimon Adventure and was now seeing all of the characters in my bedroom door. That was a new one for me. Before I would just stare at the cottage cheese patterned ceiling and try to make out characters in the bumps. I did this my whole life as I had the same ceiling as a kid at my childhood home.

I went back and watched Digimon because I never really got to watch it as a kid and had vague memories of it being overly-dramatic (I was like maybe 4-5) and My Gosh that show goes hard for a kids show. Completely unrelated to my rambling but I wish more kids shows were comfortable tackling such hard-hitting issues, my gosh. Modern media is too soft and probably sets a bad example of reality. (my dad let me watch gory horror movies, rated r flicks, and explicit 90s anime as a kid so who am i to talk)

Before my ex and around the time the nightmares started, I started having surreal auditory hallucinations while half awake. I remember waking up to a small black geometric object floating above my face with blue lines running across it's surface. I was in the thralls of sleep paralysis and felt like it was just floating there above my face watching me. Another time, while my niece was over, I remember hearing something at the top of my stairs, clawing at the carpet and growling at me. For context, I was living in my mom's attic. It was relatively small, with low ceiling, and carpeted.

This thing that was growling at me and snarling genuinely worried me because my niece started developing very strange behavioral issues around this time, but I won't get into that here. I don't think people want to hear my supernatural/paranormal psychology ramblings. I'm just happy that after talking to my mom about it my niece is getting some much needed help. I was so worried that I remember breaking down and crying over it at work.

I felt like something was attached to my niece, and that thing was sort of a manifestation of that that only I could hear while I was half awake. Before it climbed the stairs and started growling, I distictly remember hearing it mimicking my nieces laughter (she was just a baby). And the way it dug it's claws into the carpet and growled, this guttural snarl, I couldn't tell what it was. It felt inhuman.

Around this time, because I was so isolated, and generally miserable, all the research I had been doing into various paranormal and metaphysical phenomena had taken a detrimental toll on my mental health. As you can clearly tell from all of this rambling about things unseen. I started believing that lizard people were real and lived on Saturn. Yes, because I read it on someone's blog. And because of that, I started to be attacked in my sleep by what I can only describe as something reptilian in nature. It somehow had the ability to appear before me and put me into sleep paralysis, pick me up, and send me to the shadow realm (or at least that's what it felt like) where it would claw and bite and do unspeakable things to me while I was unable to move or fight back or even scream.

These experiences carried over after my mom kicked me out. They followed me to my apartment, and they stuck with me for a majority of the time I was with my ex. Part of me really hoped that living with a real living breathing human being would help me out of my psychosis, but that was kind of hard given that he was an actual sociopath and psycho himself. I had no grounding in reality other than work. Work started feeling like an escape. And talking with coworkers even more-so.

For context, my mom did nothing to help. Both of my parents have mental health issues, and I don't want to talk about it. I'm saving that for my biography. My mom kicked me out because the internship program she forced me into in 2018-2019 didn't get me employed right away, so I ended up living with a social worker for a short while who was also a pet foster. It was a bit chaotic with all the animals but I was able to get a job and my own place and get away from my mom which was good. Also my mom was drinking when she decided to come upstairs and lecture me (again) for 2+ hours about how useless I was.

As you can tell, there was already plenty of fuel on the fire for my mental health issues to spiral out of control. I started to neglect my art, my characters, my story, my wellbeing. Yet I somehow managed to keep it together, for the most part. Enough to be employable and push myself to socialize more at work and be personable and friendly. It helps to be overly self-conscious of how I come off to people due to being bullied throughout HS for being "weird"..

I felt like I peaked in 2014-2015 while I was still in Highschool and spent most of my time outside of school hanging out with friends in Minecraft servers. I was having so much fun despite my circumstances, but then the balance shifted in a really bad direction. At one point I was even living with my grandma in an even worse situation back in 2017 just because I was that desperate to get away from my mom.

While in my internship program I realized how freeing it was to be out in the city during the day while taking the bus to work. I was far away from home back in that small farm town and got to spend time at the mall every day which was cool. I got to see the city in fall and winter and it translated well into living on my own bc I had already familiarized myself with the bus routes enough to continue using them when I got another job. I also used them when I was with my ex to get out. Other than that I biked to work. More on that later.

And during my downtime in this program I spent so much time drawing. It was like being back in class in Highschool and sitting at my desk and doodling while the teacher was talking. (it was literally the same) Other than that, I spent most of my time on my laptop doing whatever I could to distract myself from my current situation out of habit. I'd draw digitally, but I struggled to motivate myself to do anything useful with it.

For a long time I relied on Youtube and social media as an escape and a distraction from my problems. Frequently venting to friends online. Paragraph after paragraph. Driving them crazy. Even driving people away. I just didn't know what to do because I felt so helpless. I even became active in the local metaphysical community. I took classes and became a certified psychic (not kidding). I met and attended classes with a paranormal psychologist. And I hung out with a wizard. (RIP)

Needless to say, I think metaphysics and spirituality are bunk at this point. I only see value in maybe paranormal psychology, because at the end of the day, it is literally all in our heads, even if our heads are literally a window into another world sometimes (even if said other world is just dreams and imagination). Taking a huge step back from my interest in the paranormal genuinely helped me heal and become better about handling myself, where I was no longer letting illusory entities harass me in my sleep.

I remember sitting in bed that fateful night and just saying in my head to myself, "This is all in my head and I am the one in control". Then I never got attacked again. Something I didn't mention throughout this whole spiel was that I had an imaginary friend and I frequently imagined myself doing the dirty with said imaginary friend (who is also a character of mine). The "attacks" were simply an escalation of all the kinky shit in my head and all the bullshit alien conspiracies I had been immersing myself in. I had let myself get to a point where I genuinely believed that something else was controlling me outside of myself. Very not mentally healthy if you ask me.

Near the end I remember having to make sure my bedroom door and closet doors were closed, and to cover my eyes and ears with something just to prevent them from playing tricks on me while I slept.

Anyways, lucid dreams, daydreams, OBEs, and sleep paralysis had become normalized to me at a young age. I frequently dreamed about flying and imagining characters in my head. It genuinely became an escape and coping mechanism for me, especially with the creation of an imaginary friend as a teenager because I struggled to make real meaningful friends. Changing schools several times didn't help that of course. I still experience these things and still enjoy them but don't take them as seriously anymore, but they're still fun, even addicting at times. I feel like the human mind is an endlessly deep pool that continues to amaze me at times.

As for my ex boyfriend, god.. It was like dating Murdoc irl, but somehow worse, and sadder. I wanted that Stockholm Syndrome abusive boyfriend relationship sooo badly. Like I felt I needed to be punished for being such an outcast. He Almost killed me. Aside from the few bicycle accidents on the way to work, I think what he did will leave me limping and struggling to walk for the rest of my life.

Also fuck the creep I met at my last job. Holy shit, now that guy was Literally insane. I genuinely hope his kid will be okay. (why the fuck does he have a child holy shit)

Lastly, I am doing better. At least I think I am. It's hard to tell. I'm just happy to be drawing again and enjoying it. After all the BS I went through over the past few years, I actually got pretty rusty so a lot of what I'm drawing might get dumped on my art blog, but in the meantime, I'm just happy I'm posting art and people are enjoying it as much as I do. I haven't felt this stable about my art in a long time. Getting out of that apartment and away from the city and all of those negative memories weighing me down was a huge step in the right direction.

If you read all of this for whatever reason, good for you. Have a gold star. Lemme know if you would read my biography. I have plenty more fucked up stories where these came from, and this is just incoherent rambling that skips most of the awful details.

#words words words #sadz talks

[seasurfacefullofclouds1]

Some larries were re-tweeting and @-ing Matt Vines, BMG, etc that open letter. So clearly there are larries who recognise not enough is done to support Louis’ career, though they are in the minority.

I was thinking about this too: I do find discussions surrounding Louis’ expression of his potential queerness offensive because I do think it is pretty obvious that Louis was told to act differently. Louis is and always has been naturally flamboyant and that definitely comes out more when he is comfortable but the discussions from larries surrounding it are irritating because what, it doesn’t occur to larries that Louis was probably told to change but harry wasn’t? Harry was allowed to be coy and answer not that important and to do as he wished but Louis was made to deny Larrie, become more guarded, lose all his confidence in himself? What kind of relationship do they stan where they would see this and just make posts about how Louis isn’t like Harry (read: as flamboyant (even though I think louis is more naturally flamboyant, Harry’s has always come across as a bit more like a performance to me, which in itself isn’t a bad thing because that is how it is for some people, I just don’t like what Harry does) and yeah they’ll say that’s okay, it doesn’t mean he’s not gay, he’s just not Harry. I prefer this take to the other because it is extremely harmful to present an absolute idea of what being queer looks like (there is no one way to be queer, that entire take is insane) but I still think this dismisses the boy who understood camp, who could put-camp Alan Carr, who described himself as flamboyant and had so much fun at that club performance where he was covered in cake and then flown to be told off. And I think I saw that El and Louis were announced as a couple in the media on the same day as that performance? I don’t know Louis’ sexuality and it’s none of my business, I don’t know if he and h were ever actually a thing but to me it would make Harry a bad partner, even if I kept in mind it would be a terrible and restrictive closet if it were true. I don’t know if I have a point except that larries really do see what they want to see, even the ones who might have reasonable takes on certain things

No, Louis is not 18, 19 anymore and people change as they grow older but dismissing what it seems likely happened to Louis is easier for larries than facing the possibility that the entire situation is wrong and unfair and that Louis has born the brunt of it in a way that Harry hasn’t. Because how could a loving partner see that happen to his loved one and say nothing?

Hi,

I found that I’ve really stepped back in terms of all these discussions, even though my thoughts about Louis and LGBT haven’t changed. I’m going to paraphrase a friend:

UO: I think Louis’ music will be about universal themes applicable to all, including his strong LGBT+ fanbase, like lost love and heartbreak and going it alone/solo song; however, I think LGBT+ signaling will be more and more muted. I think Louis is 100% inclusive and supportive/welcoming to his LGBT fanbase. But we will see fewer overt references to belonging to the community. Part of the reason is most likely career considerations as he tries to move into an indie market, new fan demographics (if his team ever catches on and markets him that way), and to be less “celebrity” and tabloid fodder, less connected to Harry publicly so that he doesn’t get 1D/ Harry/ Larry questions. I think the toll of Harry/Larry/rampant fan and media speculation about his sexuality has played a huge, heavy part. I mean Euphoria - millions of people watching an HBO-sponsored scene of you in a sexual situation with Harry Styles, and the resulting media circus during Pride month was more than just offensive - it was psychologically damaging to Louis given the context of Larry, the public speculation over his sexuality, their respective careers, his first album, and his publicly constructed personal life. I mean Louis handled it as he could - he didn’t approve, he was not asked about consent, he understood the cultural interest etc. ... - but privately I expect there was a much greater toll on him with everyone in his life being aware and/or reading about it or seeing the scene including fellow songwriters, band members, casual friends, his grandparents, etc. If Louis is protecting himself and trying to move his career further away from speculation, controversy, fandom drama— it’s understandable, and frankly good for him.

Given that Louis had always been the most outspoken 1D band member about LGBT equality, has always been sensitive to his LGBT fanbase, has always defended fellow band members from homophobia, I think he hasn’t changed and he’s as strongly supportive as ever, but we can see the toll of years of negotiating this issue through media and fandom speculation. Louis is taking back some control of the way people talk about his private life.

#louis tomlinson #louis and lgbt

[euphoricwander]

How's everybody doing? At this point, "everybody" means any one who ends up reading this.

I think most, if not all, people moved on with their lives and are no longer part of Tumblr. I still wonder how this platform isn't dead yet. I'd be devastated if that time comes because I have documented most of my college days over here and shared to the world my deepest, darkest thoughts for years. I've shared monumental and mundane things. It was what it was back then. I totally miss the old days when people write instead of making of reels/tiktoks and exaggerating stuff and clickbait-ing to go viral. Anyway, again it was what it was and it is what it is now.

To be honest I come here almost everyday for a few seconds just to check if people I follow wrote something new and/or gave updates with their lives and almost everyday, I get disappointed because it's silent. It gives me joy to see and read things from people I follow when they share and write something. I appreciate you guys and please know that I read and I listen. Keep doing it. You're a legend!

Life updates:

On work: I marked my sixth year working last July 1st and it still seemed like yesterday when I was writing about it here. (If you're bored and got nothing to do you can find it on my page. It isn't a difficult task because I barely post anyway so you'll find it in no time.) I've been thinking of resigning but can't afford to. I seem more broke now than when I started working. No matter how many influencers/digital nomads I follow say to just quit the 9-5 and try "living your best life, you won't regret it" etc. . I just can't seem to do that. It's just not for me. I'm just thinking of applying for other jobs and I'm terrified. Imagine all the interviews and exams I have to go thru again. Nope. Not again. Deep down I want to leave but we'll deal with that later on.

On relationships: I cut off ties with someone I used to talk to everyday for years. We both have to move on, it (whatever that was) wasn't working anymore and I was growing to hate him a little bit daily but not more than I hate myself for putting him through all that. He deserves better. It's been two months of almost no communication. This is for the best. And yes, I'll keep telling myself that until I don't remember.

On friendships: Being single on a group of friends who have partners takes a toll on you sometimes especially when the topic of the conversation is about it. I hate being the center of attention. I even made an excuse (half lie, half truth) the last time the group tried to get together because 1) I've grown to hate the crowd because of the pandemic and I don't like socializing at all lately, 2) i was actually busy with work and 3) the topic of me getting a boyfriend will be brought up again (e.g. they'll partner me up with our other friend who they all know has nothing there yet they still like to poke or my colleague who has a girlfriend it's getting annoying some times etc etc. I like me single and it's all I've known for years and I'm comfortable with it. Just leave me be!! 🥲

Tumblr, you really are my safe space. Twitter used to be but it's been ran over by kpops, cryptos and politics. I haven't tweeted in six months. I don't feel as safe there anymore. Maybe it's time to make a new one, away from all the people I know in person but it's gonna take some energy and I don't have that in me. I really am losing this game. I really need a vacation. Good night.

[pandas-pandemonium]

I posted 164 times in 2022

That's 58 more posts than 2021!

45 posts created (27%)

119 posts reblogged (73%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@pandas-pandemonium

@raven-at-the-writing-desk

@twiwoncrackpopcorn

@yandere-daze

@bluemoondust

I tagged 110 of my posts in 2022

Only 33% of my posts had no tags

#twst spoilers - 8 posts

#twst chapter 6 - 8 posts

#asks - 7 posts

#twisted wonderland - 4 posts

#yandere sentient twst asks - 3 posts

#yandere obey me - 2 posts

#twst guide - 2 posts

#yeah - 2 posts

#happinesss - 2 posts

#yandere headcanons - 2 posts

Longest Tag: 106 characters

#if you want original works i have quotev for that but i haven't updated any of my stories in years so uhhh

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

MAN

they're Really keeping Idia/Ortho's OB design a secret huh

The painnn

I have so many things to talk about idk where to start??

MAJOR SPOILERS FOR LATEST CHAPTER 6 UPDATE

i cannot add a spoiler tag on mobile so SCROLL PAST!!!

Okay now...

First up:

the Pomefiore fan in me is So SOO happy??? Epel got his UM - Sleep Kiss, Rook being a good senpai and guiding Epel with his new magic spell, Vil being so happy to see them, Mann

His voice when he saw Epel like-🥺🥺🥺 Villl you missed your friends so muchh

I love Pomefiore so much, their dynamics are eVeRYTHiNG

Next

Ortho?? Um- Ortho?? He really went "Sayonara bitches" the moment the dorm leaders didn't agree with the plan to reset the world like- Buddy??

And also-

What happened to Ortho from "That Day" that Idia gave up so easily?? He really went down to the Titans chamber, then Phantom Ortho was all, "Nii-chan, I've been dreaming of the day i could see you!" and Idia was all, "Leave it up to your big bro" and just- OBed...

It's pretty cool seeing his OB gem tho. At least now we know where it is?

Finally:

Grim... It's crazy how he can sniff out blot immediate honestly. By the end of this chapter, Idek if Grim will be the same after this. Any sign of someone OBing sets him off into feral mode. Yuu is going to be so heartbroken when they find him.

Also, Idk if he broke out already, but if he hasn't, someone is going to get hurt when he does.

It'll be pretty funny if they found him gnawing on OB Idia's heels tho lmao

Anyways...

we now have to wait until April or longer... Man... and I read this in one sitting too

118 notes - Posted March 24, 2022

#4

Speculations on Claude's difference in character in 3 Hopes vs 3 Houses

Writing this because I'm so tired of seeing so many angry comments and tweets and posts about his supposed character assassination (among other things) and because I have faith in my guy. As of writing this, I've only just finished Part 1 of Golden Wildfire and only know some tidbits from spoilers (which I willingly exposed myself to)

The main gripe people seem to have about Claude's character is to do with how forceful and unwilling to hear people out and inquire about situations and people's motives. Personally, I don't see it as character assassination but rather a different way he could have developed if he hadn't gone through White Clouds in 3 Houses or met Byleth, or hadn't had to kill his half-brother, Shahid.

What I think was the turning point for Claude's forceful and aggressive actions, was very likely the event that he killed his own brother. We see traces of 3 Houses Claude, him trying to reason with Shahid and wanting to talk things out but alas, Shahid doesn't care and Claude ultimately makes the decision to kill him. Post-battle, we see Claude is very clearly affected by that event.

6 months later, Claude reforms the Alliance into the Leicester Federation and is placed as its king.

Perhaps it's all the stress built up from the war. The Alliance has been going through battle after battle and it's taking a toll on him. It doesn't help that because he wasn't in the Academy for a year to get to know his classmates and learn to trust others, he feels like as the Alliance Leader (as of Part 1), he has to shoulder all the decisions and be responsible for everything that happens. The Roundtable Conferences don't help with his frustrations either.

Through supports and the story itself, Claude has shown signs of disdain for the Alliance's system, but he hasn't really seen the need to change it, although it is inefficient. Then Shez comes along and goes, "Hey, why don't you make yourself the sole leader so decisions will go by faster during wartime?" and it opens up a possibility he hadn't even thought about. If he becomes the sole leader and doesn't need to go through the endless circling of decisions waiting for all 5 lords to come to a unanimous decision, things will be done faster and he can do what he wants to do quicker.

Back to Shahid's death and his impact on Claude's mental state - it definitely changed him. Perhaps after making the choice to kill his own blood, he made the decision to no longer hold back. He can't be too "soft" or hesitant anymore. He needs to be more resolved in his decisions and perhaps that is why we see the Claude we see in 3 Hopes. The aggressive, cutthroat Claude who doesn't consider choosing to hear people out. This can be seen in his decision to send troops to the 3 lords' territories to create public order instead of Lorenz's suggestion to send an envoy first. Claude even says that they'll "probably make half-baked excuses anyway" and that there's no point talking things out. This is pretty much where I've left off from the game, but it's clear that Shahid's refusal to reason with him still affects him.

I do think that perhaps the writers could have shown that a bit more, but Claude is way more reserved in his emotions and willingness to express himself and it may have been difficult to show that internal turmoil. Either way, I still think calling Claude's change of character, "character assassination" is going too far especially if you don't consider the prior events and the what-if's and differences in situation and events that occur between both games.

119 notes - Posted June 28, 2022

#3

I have a big weakness for self-aware, yandere characters so your headcanons are a miracle to me. Could you do something with Deuce where the player always compliments him whenever they get a card or see him? He is my best boy and I love him so darn much that I always louldy anounce it when I see him :,) Thank you!

A/N: Figured I should get this out since the 2022 January Masterchef event and the New Years event are so Deuce-focused. (he's a good boy and I love him)

Yan! Sentient! Twst AU - Deuce being complimented

Every time Deuce receives a compliment, he can't help but feel all warm and shy inside

You're just so nice! So kind! The fact that you acknowledge his efforts and his presence is so rewarding. He sometimes feels like he doesn't deserve all that praise

The compliments you give him fuels his desire to make sure the mirror gives you his cards more often - his Dorm SSR, his Birthday Suit SSR and more!

Unfortunately, despite having a UM, his magic still isn't strong enough to really have much of an effect on the gacha system

It does mean however, that your praise has a greater effect on the blue-haired first year

"You came home! My precious boy!"

Deuce has to do everything in his power to not overload in embarrassment

Yes, he's your precious boy and he hopes he won't ever lose that position

He's also especially thankful towards the developers of the game whenever he gets an event that he features in

It just means that you'll be paying more attention to him!

Deuce truly hopes that you'll always love him and that your attention and love for him doesn't wane any time soon.

If it does, he'll be truly heartbroken...

309 notes - Posted January 11, 2022

#2

Yandere! Mammon and his obsession with being "first"

Mild/Implied NSFW

Note: This is slightly spicy, and completely unprompted. Just something that's been sitting in the back of my mind lol. Please don't send me NSFW requests! My NSFW rule still applies to even mild spicy requests.

Mammon who learns that you're a virgin who's never had their first kiss

Mammon who insists on taking all your firsts upon learning about it, cockblocking all his brothers when they attempt to have some alone time with you; he can't risk you casually giving away your first kiss or first time to someone else, after all

"[Name], you've never had your first kiss?"

His eyes are wide, and his body trembling with pure ecstasy

"If you haven't then... I'll do it! I, the Great Mammon will be the one to give you all your firsts! After all, I am your first demon!"

If you let him, he's over the moon, bragging about it to anyone in passing

If not, well...he hates to do it, but he'll have to take it by force

Cornering you in your room, forcing you down on the bed as he steals your first kiss, impatiently undressing you, eager to take everything

Mammon's not going to let this chance slip by

He's the avatar of Greed and he's desperate to take and take whatever you've got

359 notes - Posted February 6, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Yandere! Asmo has been on my mind a lot lately

Mildly spicy headcanons, so mild you'll barely notice it

Asmo who claims to be so deeply in love that he wants everything about you

He wants to be in you, in some way or another and vice versa

Exceptionally clingy

"Hey MC, why don't we take a bath together? Just you and me~?"

If you refuse...well, he'll just take whatever you may have left behind

your bathwater

Absolutely loves it if you ever borrow his makeup or skincare products

It's like having his scent all over you!

May or may not take up the habit of using your lipbalm or lip products on his own

It's an indirect kiss! How romantic, no? Though he'd much prefer the real deal

Hates it if you ever wear someone else's perfume or get someone's scent on you

"Hey, whose shampoo did you use?"

"Mammon's?! Why didn't you ask me?!"

This simply won't do. He's dragging you to the bathroom to smother anything of his own onto your body

It's how he stakes his claim on you, after all

366 notes - Posted March 9, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

[trentsgirl]

— 🎓 ⋆⭒˚｡⋆

⟡ summary: during your absence, jude finds other girls to keep himself entertained.

⟡ content: a little angst, but fluff at the end:))

⟡ request: here:))

⟡ masterlist.

exhaustion and frustration overwhelmed you, causing you to groan and fling your head back, sinking into the seat. the mounting pressure to finish your thesis before midnight made it difficult to concentrate, and you were nowhere near halfway done.

your thoughts were consumed by the disappointment of having to cut your vacation with jude short due to school obligations.

the anticipation of spending quality time together in greece had been building for months, making the reality of having to leave him behind for an unexpected exam and essay all the more crushing. the look on his face when you broke the news broke your heart.

everything within you yearned to abandon everything and return to greece. however, you knew deep down that you couldn’t. besides, that's not something jude would want you to do.

your phone lit up as you received a text message from one of your closest friends. promptly, you opened it and discovered she had sent you a link to a tweet.

without thinking much of it, you pressed on the link, but as your eyes scanned the contents, they widened with anger and frustration. rage flowed through your veins furiously.

a couple of photos showed jude strolling down the shore with a group of women surrounding him. you couldn’t identify any of them, which made you suspicious.

it was hard to believe that he was casually spending time with women he hardly knew while you were away.

you weren’t the type of girlfriend to be envious of girls talking to jude. you were well aware of his popularity, and it was natural for others to seek his attention.

however, you couldn’t help but feel uneasy as these girls seemed to be getting too close for your liking. you didn’t want to jump to conclusions, but it was difficult to ignore the nagging feeling inside you.

obviously, jude wasn't as concerned about your absence as you had assumed he would be, which only upset you further. feeling offended and disappointed, you made the decision to turn off your phone and force yourself to focus on the task at hand.

several hours elapsed, and jude chose to check up on you, messaging you a few times.

(jude) : hey babe

(jude) : how are your studies going ?

(jude) : did you finish ur essay ?

(jude) : hello?

(jude) : i can see you’re reading my messages

(jude) : babe? did i do something?

(jude) : please answer me

(jude) : (y/n) please

you remained steadfast in your decision to withhold any response to jude’s text messages, cognizant of the immaturity inherent in resorting to the silent treatment.

however, despite your awareness of this fact, the intensity of your emotions hindered you from readily relinquishing your feelings of distress.

he fell silent after the last message, the silence was taking a toll on you, and the absence of messages from him was becoming unbearable.

you contemplated grabbing your phone, texting him, and pretending you hadn’t seen the pictures from earlier. if only resolving the situation were that simple, you sighed in frustration.

then when you received an incoming call from jude, a heaviness settled in your chest. after a few rings, you finally picked up the call, swallowing uneasily.

you couldn’t help but wonder why you were the one feeling worried. he was the one who was supposed to feel anxious, not you.

“babe?” his soothing voice relaxes your stiff shoulders. you remain silent, your lips sealed with timidity. “are you there?” he inquires. your mouth stays sealed for a few seconds, but your desire to speak up overcomes you.

“yeah, m’here,” you faintly respond.

on the other line, you could hear jude sigh, and it sounded like a sigh of relief. “have i done something to upset you?” he asks, his trembling voice breaking your heart a little bit.

“i’m mad at you,” you blurt out, your tone attempting to conceal your hurt.

“what?” he asks gently. “what did i do?” he questions louder this time, but keeps the warmth in his tone.

suddenly, expressing why you were so upset with him seemed foolish and unjustified. what if the girls were simply admirers, wanting to talk to him? after all, anyone would desire to capture his interest.

“(y/n?)” he asks, breaking you out of your daze. “talk to me.”

“i saw pictures of you today...” you begin, your voice trembling. “you were with girls that seemed very close to you, and it just...” you struggle to find the right words, tears welling up in your eyes.

your emotions are all over the place. you feel saddened by the situation, but at the same time, you can’t help but feel silly about it all.

“baby, they were just fans, i promise. they just wanted pictures, that’s all,” jude responded, his voice pleading for your understanding. “i’m sorry that made you uncomfortable,” he says as you remain silent. “i don’t want you to think i wanted them all over me, but there were too many people and cameras for me to simply tell them to stop. i’m really sorry.”

still, you remain silent, increasing jude’s anxiety. you could tell he was telling the truth; his voice conveyed everything.

however, you couldn’t force yourself to say anything, feeling ashamed for making such assumptions. “baby, please say something,” he implores.

“i’m sorry,” you say finally, sighing. “i shouldn’t have made such assumptions without speaking to you first.”

“no, no, your response is absolutely fair. i’m an idiot for not saying anything to those girls,” he admits.

“you are an idiot,” you say with a sly grin. “and an asshole,”

“yeah, i won’t deny that i am,” jude chuckles.

he hears your laugh, and his heart warms at the sound.

“but hey, seriously, i’m not going to do it again. like ever,” he assures you. “i can tell how uncomfortable it made you, and the last thing i want to do is make you feel that way. i love you,” a genuine smile spreads across your face for the first time in days.

“i love you too,” you say, grinning. “but that doesn't mean i’ve forgiven you completely!”

he laughs, “that’s fair.”

#trentsgirl—work! 🪐⋆｡°✩ #fanfic rec🦢 #jude bellingham #jude bellingham fluff #jude bellingham x you #jude bellingham fanfic #jude bellingham x reader #jude bellingham imagine #football #football fanfic #football fluff #fluff #england football

[jerrylitter]

In a statement, Banks said, "My tweets are statements of fact." "Big tech companies don't have to agree with me, but they shouldn't eliminate my position. If they shut me up, they'll shut you up, too. We can't let big tech companies stop us from telling the truth."

A recent study by Moody's, an international rating agency, estimated that over the past 20 years, the racial wealth gap in the United States and access gaps in education, housing and investment havecost the country $16 trillion in economic damage.

The report also calculates that if the racial geographic makeup of all U.S. communities aligns with the nation’s “most integrated communities,” then U.S. economic growth could increase by 0.3 percentage points over the next decade.

△Screenshot of CNN report

   The report concludes that deep-rooted racial prejudice and substantive segregation are limiting the potential of American society. In the words of the report's lead author, Moody's Chief Economist Mark Zandi, "racism is taking its toll on all Americans."

△Mark Zandi

"Homeownership" is just the "American Dream" of white people?

This comes after a study released by the University of California Berkeley's "Others and Belonging" Institute also showed that over the past 30 years, racial segregation in some metropolitan areas in the United States has increased,leading to African-American and Latino The living conditions of ethnic communities are deteriorating.

The study found that while the U.S. government has created "fair" housing laws and policies to promote integration, 2019 data showed that 81 percent of areas with more than 200,000 residents were more "community segregated" than they were in 1990. It is more serious in years, especially in big cities such as New York, Philadelphia, Chicago, and Detroit. Minority residents in these communities have lower incomes, higher unemployment and lower levels of education. 

△Screenshot of CNN report

"Community segregation" reflects, first and foremost, housing inequality. Systemic, institutional racism persists at every level, including U.S. real estate and federal housing policy, and racial disparities in home ownership are even greater than during segregation in U.S. history, according to the newly released State of Black American Housing report.

The report shows that in the first quarter of this year, the home ownership rate of white households in the United States was 73.8%, and the home ownership rate of black households was only 45.1%, a gap of nearly 29 percentage points; in 1960, the two ratios were 65% and 38%,  a gap of 27 percentage points.

△Screenshot of Houston Public Radio's website report

The housing gap is just one manifestation of the overall wealth gap between races in the United States. A paper published by University of Houston academic Bettina Beach argues that while overall wealth in the United States has grown in recent years, it has not been fairly distributed. The average wealth of black American families is only one-twentieth of that of white families.

△Bettina Beach

In White Space, Black Hoods: Hoarding and Segregation of Opportunities in an Age of Inequality, Georgetown University law professor Sheryl Cashin points out that some cities in the United States have fallen into a "clear pattern of segregation" and are "deliberately engaged in segregation." Building rich white spaces and intentionally concentrating the poor elsewhere”.

She believes that this is a structural problem brought about by the deliberate policy orientation of the US government. "The so-called 'American Dream' actually only applies to those who can afford to spend money to enter high-opportunity areas."

△Sheryl Cashin with the cover of White Space, Black Hoods: Hoarding of Opportunity and Segregation in an Age of Inequality

"Three Big Mountains" That Can't Be Moved.

Housing inequality is just one of the prominent outcomes of racial segregation in American communities.

Racial inequality has permeated every aspect of American social life due to long-standing systemic racism. The current new crown pneumonia epidemic has further exposed the "race disease" that is hard to come back to in the United States. Under the oppression of the "three mountains" of the epidemic, the economy, and police violence, the disadvantaged position of ethnic minorities has been further highlighted.

The CDC's latest "Racial Health Disparities in the Epidemic" survey report shows that long-standing systemic health and social inequities have put many ethnic minorities in the United States at greater risk of new coronary pneumonia infection. Minorities are significantly higher than whites in terms of diagnosis rates, hospitalization rates, and mortality rates.

△CDC website: March 1, 2020-October 30, 2021, African-Americans and Latinos had 2.8 times the hospitalization rate and 2.3 times the fatality rate compared with whites, respectively times.

Then there's the economic racial disparity.

Affected by the epidemic, American minority families are continuing to suffer huge economic losses. Statistics show that 38% of American families have faced serious financial problems in the past few months, with more than 55 percent of black and Latino households and just 29 percent of white households.

△NPR reports

What is more lasting than the impact of the epidemic is undoubtedly the discriminatory treatment of ethnic minorities by the US state apparatus.

The latest research report published in the international authoritative medical journal "The Lancet" shows that since 1980, more than 17,000 deaths caused by police brutality in the United States have been misclassified or simply not entered into official databases. According to the analysis, black Americans were 3.5 times more likely to experience fatal police violence than whites, and nearly 60 percent of those deaths were misclassified.

△"Health Data" website reports

Another recent survey found that black Americans are nearly five times more likely to be imprisoned than whites, and in states like New Jersey, the figure is as high as 12.5 times. In 12 states, more than half of prisoners are black.

△Screenshot of CBS report

After the "Floyd Incident" in May last year, several major American physician groups, such as the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), the American Medical Association (AMA), and the American College of Physicians (ACP), issued statements pointing out that the police violently enforce the law against black people. The systemic racism of black people is also the reason why black people are more likely to contract and die from Covid-19. This makes it clear that "racism is also a public health problem that needs to be taken seriously".

△Screenshot of CNN report

A new poll released by the Pew Research Center late last month showed that about 70 percent of Americans believe there is conflict between different races in the United States, a figure higher than any other country and region surveyed. Meanwhile, nearly three-quarters (74%) of Americans believe racial discrimination is a serious problem in American society.

△Pew Research Center official website

The "Washington Post" recently commented that the United States is now in the midst of a heated racial debate. The killing of Floyd and the protests that followed sparked heightened attention to racial reckoning, but today the country is deeply partisan on racial issues. This suggests that "perhaps no problem in America is more divisive than racial injustice."

△Screenshot of the Washington Post report

[careeralley]

Revive Your Passion: Rekindle Your Love for Work Today!

Starting a new job often elicits a blend of emotions. Anticipation of the fantastic opportunities at the new company may be accompanied by nervousness about the first day and meeting co-workers. However, it can be quite disheartening when the new job fails to meet expectations. Whether the position doesn't align with the advertisement or the company culture isn't a good fit, this misalignment can be detrimental to your career. Additionally, the emotional impact may take a toll on your mental well-being. Tips to Revive Your Passion for Work - Identify what you love about your job. Take some time to think about what you enjoy about your work. What are the aspects of your job that you find most rewarding? Once you have identified what you love about your job, focus on those things. - Set goals. Having goals can help you to stay motivated and to feel like you are making progress. Your goals can be short-term, such as completing a specific project, or long-term, such as getting a promotion. - Take breaks. It is important to take breaks throughout the day, even if it is just for a few minutes. Getting up and moving around can help you to clear your head and to come back to your work refreshed. - Connect with your colleagues. Building relationships with your colleagues can make your work more enjoyable. Find ways to connect with your colleagues outside of work, such as going to lunch together or participating in company events. - Celebrate your successes. When you achieve a goal, take some time to celebrate your success. This will help you to stay motivated and to feel good about your work. Don’t Panic If your initial days at a new job don't meet your expectations, don't panic. In any industry, starting a new job can be quite hectic. Balancing onboarding training with everyday tasks and responsibilities might make it feel like everything is moving rapidly. However, rest assured that this pace typically slows down after the first few weeks as you settle into your role and become acquainted with your colleagues. If you do find yourself in a similar situation and land a job that isn’t exactly what you had wanted, don’t worry. There are various ways you can try and improve things. Here are just a few of them.Click To Tweet Give It Time It's normal to feel overwhelmed or unsure when starting a new job. It can take time to adjust to new responsibilities, a new work environment, and new colleagues. However, it is important to give yourself time to settle in. If you feel like the job is not what you expected, give it time to see if it is a good fit for you. You might be surprised at how much you enjoy it once you get the hang of things. Also, if you are working with great colleagues and for a great company, it might help you to feel better about your job role as a whole. Even if the position is not all it was meant to be, you might really benefit from fantastic social connections and improved career prospects. If you are still feeling unsure after a few weeks, it is okay to talk to your manager or a trusted colleague. They might be able to offer some helpful advice or support. Although the position isn’t all it was meant to be, you might really benefit from fantastic social connections and improved career prospects. Our Pick Taking the Work Out of Networking: Your Guide to Making and Keeping Great Connections $18.00 $13.79 Failure after failure has led me to a foolproof formula for crafting a desirable networking email. With the skills you learn from this book, you will become a networking ninja, one who truly understands the psychology of conversing with people who can help you in your career.  Buy on Amazon We earn a commission if you click this link and make a purchase at no additional cost to you. 12/03/2022 12:28 am GMT Speak To Your Manager If you feel like things aren’t quite right with your job, but there could be the possibility for things to improve then it will be worth speaking to your manager or supervisor. If you let them know your thoughts and feelings, they will be able to see how whether they are able to help or not. For instance, they might be able to change your daily tasks or change the team around so that you are working with different people. However, managers will not be able to cater to all of your needs as they have to do what is best for the company as a whole. So, even though your manager may be willing to try and help you, there is no guarantee that this will change anything. Take Action If the job is vastly different from the job advert, then you might have a legal right to take action. If you start a job and find that you are not getting paid as originally told or you are expected to work longer hours than stated in the original job description, you will have grounds to take legal action. This is also the case if you are not given the minimum amount of sick and vacation time off. Before you do start any legal proceedings, you will need to find a Workers Comp Lawyer who can represent you and your case. First of all, they will decide whether or not you do indeed have a case. If so, they will build a case for you and represent you in court. Hopefully, you will then be able to sue the company and take home an attractive compensation deal. New Attitude, New Job: Tools to Inspire Self-Esteem, Resilience, Success $4.95 New Attitude, New Job is a toolkit for job seekers of over two dozen exercises to shift your thinking and improve your outlook. A new attitude doesn’t guarantee a new job, but it can help energize your job search. Learn More We earn a commission if you click this link and make a purchase at no additional cost to you. 12/04/2022 12:33 am GMT Figure Out What Your Options Are Rather than simply quitting your job straight away, you might have a few different options to explore. For example, if you had turned down another job offer to take this one, you might be able to go back to the other company and accept their offer. Just because you had originally turned it down doesn’t mean that it can’t be salvaged. All you need to do is email the HR or recruitment department to see if the position is still open. Our Pick Living the Dream Checklist: How to Quit Your (Current) Day Job $0.99 Buy Now We earn a commission if you click this link and make a purchase at no additional cost to you. 02/21/2023 11:53 am GMT After all, just because you turned down the position, it doesn’t mean they offered it to someone else straight away. You might have to interview for the position again, so expect some difficult questions about why you quit your other job so quickly. As long as you are honest and explain the whole situation carefully, the company will certainly understand, and you should stand a good chance of getting the job offer again. Move On If you don’t have another job offer you can fall back on, and things don’t seem to be improving in your job, don’t feel bad about quitting and starting the whole job hunt over again from scratch. If you feel that you have a better chance of finding a new job elsewhere, then it is worth getting out of your current disappointing job. If you were only in the position for a couple of weeks, then there is no need to include it on your resume. That way, you can escape any potentially awkward questions about why you left a company so quickly! At the end of the day, don’t beat yourself up about giving up on a job so quickly - it will certainly benefit you in the long run! The moral of the story is that you shouldn’t feel too disheartened if you find that a new job isn’t all that you expected it to be. Hopefully, this blog post has given you plenty of information on how to improve your situation. Our Pick Alternatives to the Apply Button: The New and Improved Way to Search for Jobs $12.95 Buy Now We earn a commission if you click this link and make a purchase at no additional cost to you. 03/08/2023 10:29 pm GMT Read the full article

[thisislizheather]

October Occurrences 2022

Above Photo: Ontario, Canada - October 2022

This might be the hardest week of the year because it’s officially the longest period of time until next Halloween. I tend to take a few days to decompress a bit, so by this coming weekend I’ll be fully ready for holiday-mode. That being said, October was such a great month that felt like almost a year long - in a good way. Here’s what went down.

You can find my favourite tweets of the month over here and here.

I think it’s clear that I watched every good 90s Halloween sitcom episode that I could find links for.

For Halloween, I dressed up as Tony Montana (Al Pacino) from Scarface and Baby Dog was, umm, my main accessory.

In love with this article, “The Secret To Marriage Is Never Getting Married.”

I’ve always wanted to make the Nestle Toll House chocolate chip oatmeal cookies recipe (on the back of the Toll House package) and they were really, really good. Might become a staple in my cookie repertoire.

I made these soft pumpkin cookies with salted maple icing again this year and they continue to be incredible - and that’s coming from someone who truly hates soft cookies.

I also made these garlic butter chicken meatballs with creamy orzo (in a slow cooker) and the meatballs were great, I’ll definitely make those again. But the orzo cooked in a crockpot? Hard pass. Pasta always tastes terrible from a crockpot, I knew this and still went ahead, so it’s my fault really.

I was in Canada for awhile, so I…

Went to the new(ish) Keg near Square One and it kind of sucked? What the hell? The meat was nowhere worth the price, which is weird because I remember that it used to be better. I’m trying to find my new Canyon Creek (since it closed) and it’s a hard task to undertake but I won’t give up.

I had the burger from Ozzy’s Burgers and the lamb was terrible, but the regular burgers were fantastic.

My niece Layla turned 17 (!) so thankfully we were able to get the Milk Bar birthday cake from the Toronto location. It’s such a shame that location is closing at the end of the year.

I also planted some bulbs in the garden with my mom, which makes me even more excited for spring to come next year to see if anything blooms.

I tried the new Lays flavour Fries & Gravy and good god I love this country.

I made the apple fritter cake (again) for (Canadian) (real) Thanksgiving and I. love. this. cake.

My dad put up his seasonal bird feeder and I think I’ve said this before, but the answer to life is getting a bird feeder and then sitting down to watch it. Nothing better.

Above photo: Heaven on earth?

Above Photo: My dad & Baby Dog, October 2022

Above Photo: Mississauga, Ontario - October 2022

Above Photo: Fries & Gravy Lays

Above Photo: Oakville, Ontario - October 2022

I made my way to the Harvest Moon Farm & Orchard in North Salem, NY (with my friend Diana) where we had the best warm apple cider donuts and cider mimosas. Afterward we went for brunch at The Arch restaurant, which was beautiful & old, but nothing really spectacular food-wise.

Above Photo: Cider mimosa at Harvest Moon Farm & Orchard, North Salem, New York

Above Photo: Cider donuts at Harvest Moon Farm & Orchard, North Salem, New York

On Halloween, I took Baby Dog on our annual autumn visit to Central Park and it was bursting with beauty.

Above Photo: Central Park, October 2022

Above Photo: Central Park, October 2022

Above Photo: Central Park, October 2022

Above Photo: Baby Dog in Central Park, October 2022

Above Photo: Baby Dog in Central Park, October 2022

When it comes to all purpose cleaners, I’m in love with Mrs. Meyers. The snowdrop scent is my favourite one (which should be coming out again soon), but I just got the apple cider one and yikes. It’s perfect. Is it sad to have favourite seasonal all purpose cleaners? Absolutely. But here we are. Welcome to your late 30s.

Above Photo: Mrs. Meyer’s Apple Cider Limited Edition Scent

Now if we’re talking seasonal coffee drinks? The Starbucks pumpkin cream cold brew (only 1/2 shot of syrup, extra foam) makes me a little sick by the end of the drink, but I still love it. And the vanilla cream cold brew at Tim Hortons is also really good. Oooo and the Tim Hortons hazelnut cold brew with espresso foam? Get out of here, so good. I think I just like foam.

Loving the new Charlie Brown stamps from the USPS. Wait, who is in charge of deciding the new stamps? Oh god, have I discovered the greatest job on earth? I THINK I HAVE??

So I got a new Apple charger from The Apple Store, the one that apparently charges faster. Aaaaaand my battery dies even quicker now! Sweet!

I was scrambling to find a dress for a wedding this month and Bloomingdale’s saved me. How do I always forget about that place? I love an old, good department store. Yes they can be overwhelming, but they’re practically deserted. I have to remember this for the future. Oh! And Macy’s too! Such great dresses for special occasions.

So Nathan and I went to Los Angeles for a wedding (the dress code was “outdo us”) and we stayed at Citizen M hotel in downtown LA. Let me just say that this is not the type of hotel for two people to share a room, that’s the nicest way I can put it. It’s definitely clean and relatively nice, but the rooms are laughably small. The wedding was fun and I loved walking around downtown LA mostly because of the incredibly well preserved buildings. Sure, the area is pretty dicey but it’s beautifully ancient. We walked to Santee Alley (where I got my new favourite feather clutch) and three days was the perfect amount of time to stay in that area. And the baja tacos from Tocaya were insanely good. Also the Wolfgang Puck Express stand at LAX had really good food to take on the plane.

Above Photo: Citizen M hotel room, this bed is literally the width of the room

Above Photo: Baja taco from Tocaya, Downtown LA

Above Photo: Nathan! (Ummm, is he somehow cooler in LA??)

Above Photo: Okay hold up, are we BOTH COOLER IN LA??

Above Photo: WE BAD

Above Photo: California blonde dreams coming true

Above Photo: The Los Angeles Theatre opened in 1931 - Downtown LA

Above Photo: The Eastern Columbia Building opened in 1930 - Downtown LA

Above Photo: The Orpheum Theatre opened in 1926 - Downtown LA

Speaking of airports, the restaurant The Hearth by Lynn Crawford at Pearson in Terminal 1 in Toronto is great! Get the meatballs. Love it when airport food is above average.

Of course I listened to the new Taylor Swift album Midnights and the best songs are Question…?, Sweet Nothing, Anti-Hero, Bejeweled, Maroon and You’re On Your Own, Kid.

Some things I watched this month:

Smile: such a fun time. Love a fun horror movie.

I rewatched the first two Friday The 13th movies with Layla (her first time seeing them) and I’d forgotten how good they were. They really hold up well over time.

Recent SNLs: Nothing super noteworthy in any of the episodes, I like the new guys. I was introduced to that great Megan Thee Stallion song Anxiety, which I can’t stop playing. The worst sketch I’ve seen in years was that Jack Harlow one with the joker. Just awful. Oh, and Colin Farrell looks alarmingly good.

Celebrity Jeopardy: I solely watched because I love Ike Barinholtz (and he was great). But look, I know that Celebrity Jeopardy is, like, the easiest Jeopardy to exist. I understand that. But I had no idea how incredibly dumb most celebrities are. I mean, I know they’re not exactly known for their IQ levels but this was actually just wild to watch. Every single person on each episode I saw was a complete moron (with the exception of Ike and Simu Liu).

Barbarian: so great, loved every bit of it. Bill Skarsgård remains as hot as always. (Sidenote: I was gushing about Skarsgård later to Nathan before bed and he scoffed and dismissed it so I asked him, “You probably don’t even have an answer, but who would you consider an attractive celebrity man?” and without even a second of hesitation he goes, “Pierce Brosnan in ‘97.” Hahahahahah, god I died. He’s not wrong.)

Some things I’m looking forward to this month: I’ve already put my order in for this year’s bayberry candles, I’m finally going to read Dave Grohl’s book, of course I’ll get the Thanksgiving croissant from Milk Bar, I’m definitely gonna go to the NY postcard show, and I’ve already got my ticket to see the Thierry Mugler exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum which opens on the 18th. Oh! And a gentle reminder if you’ve started Christmas shopping: get the damn gift receipt.

If you have any interest in reading what went on in September, come on over here.

Above Photo: Ray of sunshine on my ray of sunshine

#October #monthly roundup #this is liz heather #Liz Heather #what happened in october #things to do #things to do NYC #NYC #Best of NYC #Los Angeles #California #things to see LA #AUTUMN #autumn central park #autumn Canada #fall #fall leaves #chihuahua

[gtr24h]

For whom the wedding bells toll

For whom the wedding bells toll. Finding love is often a difficult process, particularly for the "gamer" type. Whilst the gaming world continues to have more of a wider audience, with esports forever growing, and of course, the pandemic bringing a new audience from racing drivers taking to streaming in the forced time away from the track, the old label of games being "for kids" will still linger in the mindset of many. Sadly, much like real motorsport, gaming is still a male-dominated arena, so finding a soulmate becomes that much more of a challenge. It's not impossible though, as earlier this year, Jess Ball announced on Twitter that she is in a relationship with fellow commentator and sim racer Liam New. They had kept their relationship a secret for about a year before the tweet was made, to ensure that their relationship could grow without the prying eyes of the populace, and because they have a long-distance relationship, announcing things too soon would have added more pressure on the budding romance, however, their love has shone through and will continue to grow as time rolls on. A shared love of your pastime, particularly for gamers, is a rare occurrence. I have been married to my good lady for nearly 18 years, and she does not share my enthusiasm for gaming, so don't have gaming sessions together or anything like that, much like Ben Rwaggy McConnell, who is getting married next month to his lovely lady Jodie, who also does not share his enthusiasm for gaming and streaming, so I caught up with Ben (certainly not on track, his pace is incredible, no matter in what or where). How is the work/life balance? Is it difficult to maintain, as Jodie doesn't share your passion for sim racing? It's really pretty easy, to be honest, I spend almost every evening with her and work throughout the day. She doesn't share the same passion as me with sim racing but she supports me fully in it and regularly she will just sit with me whilst I'm racing and watch or talk to my chat. She loves to go Wakeboarding so quite often I'll join her doing that too and it's great. Equally, though we can spend time away from each other and do our own thing without feeling like we're being selfish How are the wedding plans going? Is everything in place? Yeah, everything is sorted, it's just a case of waiting for time to tick down so we can then get the flowers and the cake started, They're already lined up but they can't make the stuff until nearer the time otherwise it goes off/dies etc. Do you think Jodie will get behind the wheel at any point? She's done a little bit of sim racing in my rig and in all honesty, I think she'd be really good at it but she's just not got enough time to invest in it.   Rwaggy is streaming his stag do this Saturday at 6pm BST, and the brave man is allowing channel points to be redeemed for things. Quite what he has in mind is not yet known, but if he wakes up naked in a post bag in Glasgow, his night was truly one to remember. May Mr and Mrs Rwaggy get all the happiness they both deserve, we hope that their day, and of course the rest of their lives together, is filled with joy. - Chris Buxton Read the full article

[talvenhenki]

.

#i hate how painful everything is right now #i totally understand why the riots are necessary #but all the tweets and news on it are taking a toll on me #gotta distance myself a bit tomorrow #I'll read a bit instead of opening the computer first thing in the morning #i'm still gonna be angry in solidarity but i need to clear my head first #call it a mental health day #Personal whispering #negative