Goddamn.
Binders piss me off. Sensory hell + turbo asthma + huge tea saucer indents visible 60 miles away.
I still haven't tried to apply my binding tape because I keep worrying I'll fuck up and have to re-shower after taking it off. 1 shower is hell enough rn
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It's honestly depressing how quickly and easily your (abled) family and friends will leave you behind and forget about you when you can no longer push yourself to try to keep up with them. I hate how focused everything is on going out and doing things when it comes to hanging out with so many people. It's sad how many people would rather just continue on with their busy, typical/abled life and forget about the disabled people in their life, rather than stop and slow down with them once in a while.
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tw: vent, mental health discussion, bad parents, written in second person for some reason
hi.
let me set the scene for you. you, a 14 year old boy, have always struggled with people. they’re so complex and confusing and you hate most of them. you have two sisters, an older sister, the scapegoat and a younger sister, the naive one. and you. the golden child.
two mentally ill parents in the process of getting a divorce. you find yourself on your mother’s ‘side’. your father…is bad? he wasn’t involved in your life much, or so your mother tells you. you don’t remember your young childhood very well, honestly.
your mother….hm. your mother is a terribly insecure person, and was subject to some form of emotional abuser from your father, as she very frequently reminds you. she relies on you heavily. **heavily**. not just for helping with your siblings, but for…emotional support, often in the form of venting to you about your father. you have a tumultuous relationship, somewhat, at least. often very close, but it can turn harsh very quickly. your mother has few friends, and rarely leaves the house, making you one of her main forms of interaction and connection.
your father. your..father. you don’t know where to start with him, really. not like it’s a dramatic thing, you just….dont have much to say about him. apparently, he is an abusive person and a narcissist (to be clear, i am not a person who thinks ‘narc abuse’ should be a term that’s used). that’s what your mother says. and maybe he is. he probably is. but, as previously mentioned, not much of your childhood can be recalled, so you can’t be sure for yourself. he clearly favors your younger sister, and makes your mother and older sister out to be terrible people. where does that leave you? it’s subject to change. everyone always stays in those positions, but you. you fluctuate in his mind. sometimes he tries to keep you ‘on his side’ and sometimes he sees you as siding with your mother. you haven’t figured out why you were singled out. you may never.
so what is there to do? you are a mentally unhealthy teen who daydreams about violence and spends far too much of his life online and withdrawn. you want to change this, but you can’t. you just have to wait until you can leave your family, or at least distance yourself.
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When people name millennials/gen z not voting as the reason trump got elected I get so fucking pissed off. He LOST the popular vote but the fucked electoral college still made him president. Civilian votes in presidential elections are literally just to give the population the illusion of control. That’s not a conspiracy theory that’s just fact.
IMO we all should pick a 3rd candidate to get behind with enough force that we put the fear of god in the two parties and remind them they are supposed to be speaking for the constituents
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I wish we talked more about the grief of losing hyperfixations.
When I was in middle school I was hyperfixated on the Beatles. They were all I listened to, I read every book I could get my hands on about them, I managed to work them into nearly every conversation.
Then, after 3 years where the Beatles were my whole world, I woke up one day feeling.. empty? The flame of my obsession had become embers that finally died out. I was so worried that something had broken within me as that was the first time a hyperfixation moved on. As an adult I still enjoy the Beatles but I no longer get that spark when I listen to their music.
Right now I’m in between hyperfixations. FNAF lasted a whole year which was longer than they’ve been in a while but now it’s been a year since that one. Maybe it goes hand in hand with depression but I miss it. I miss the singular focus I feel when I have a hyperfixation and suddenly it’s all I can think about and I’m no longer bored because my head is so full all the time.
Now I just feel listless. I enjoy things very mildly but can’t focus on something for more than a few hours.
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