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ghoulangerlee · 2 years

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blah blah blah im playing mass effect 3 again and having a lot of emotions about the leviathan dlc when u take ur love interest and they pull u away from the brutes who're being taken over my leviathan to fight each other ahahaha

something something the inherent gayness of rescuing the love of your life after you've already lost him basically twice

ANYWAY i wrote this little thing i kept thinking about, specifically from Kaidan's pov because im incapable of every romancing anyone else in the mass effect trilogy :)

anyway the mortifying ordeal of watching the love of ur life put himself in danger every step of the way bc the council refused to listen to him about the reapers years before :)

Kaidan's fingers tremble as he thinks of the coolness of Shepard's skin under his touch, the warmth zapped away by the atlas he'd taken down to the depths, trying to find Leviathan.

Is it worth it? Kaidan thinks, sitting on the couch in Shepard's cabin, watching the man sleep; he'd been cleared by Chakwas for a while now, had smiled tiredly at Kaidan and asked him for assistance to his cabin, reaching out and brushing his cold fingers against Kaidan's arm to catch his attention.

Kaidan had gone, had slid his arm around Shepard, tried hard not to think about how Shepard had rested heavily against him--for the most part they were professional, they kept their flirting and touches private, never in front of others, never like this, never with Kaidan leading Shepard, with him taking most of the other man's weight like this--with Cortez standing outside the medbay, Javik up in the main area instead of being holed away in the cargo bay like usual; part of the crew who kept the ship running all sitting around the tables just outside, waiting to hear word of their Commander's condition.

Get some rest, Commander, Cortez had said, briefly resting his hand on Shepard's shoulder, squeezing, You too, Major, he'd added with a nod in Kaidan's direction, a look on his face that clearly said take care of our Commander.

Shepard had smiled, somewhat tiredly then, laughed, I don't need much rest, he'd brushed off, but Kaidan could feel the tension, the tiredness like a heavy mantle resting over his shoulders.

Up in the cabin, Shepard had briefly broken away from Kaidan to go to the bathroom and Kaidan stood just outside the door, putting food in the hamster's cage, something, anything to keep his mind off of the worst case scenarios, of the what could have happened.

The soft sound of the bathroom door opening made him look up--and Shepard was there, stripped down to just his underwear; there was a nasty looking bruise across the side of his ribs, curling around them almost menacingly, and if Kaidan looked hard enough he could make out just the beginnings of the cybernetic scarring in Shepard's face--a sign the stress from the war was getting to him physically.

Shepard stepped close then, slid his arms around Kaidan and held onto him--while Shepard was getting checked out in the medbay, and after the debrief that Kaidan had given to Hackett; he too had changed into something more comfortable, a plain t-shirt and his fatigue pants, clean and not soaking wet with the sharp smell of salt and sea clinging to them.

Kaidan can still feel Shepard's cold skin, even through his shirt and he wraps his arms around him in return, the words catching in his throat as he squeezes, gentle and careful to not aggravate his ribs. Let's get you in bed, he'd mumbled, turning his head and pressing a brief kiss to Shepard's temple, You're freezing, John.

Shepard huffed out a quiet little laugh, burying himself deeper in Kaidan's arms, Oh, so it's John now, huh? he'd mumbled, joking, pressing a firm kiss to Kaidan's shoulder, holding the tension in his body for a long moment before Kaidan felt him relax. as if his strings had been cut, Take me to bed, Kaidan, he finally whispered, the words small, careful, something so completely outside of the Commander Shepard persona that Kaidan felt an incredible protective urge surge inside him.

Come on, John, Kaidan whispered, never really pulling away as the two of them shuffled closer to the bed, and only for a moment did Kaidan break away, long enough to grab Shepard's hoodie from where he'd thrown it on the bed in his rush to leave to get to Desponia, bundling him up in it before pulling back the blankets so Shepard could sit on the side of the bed, carefully pulling his legs up onto it, situating them under the blanket.

You too, Shepard had said, not quite a question and Kaidan had nodded, stripped down until he was in his t-shirt and underwear before climbing into the bed, letting Shepard maneuver himself around until they were spooning, Shepard's injured side being carefully cradled by Kaidan.

Kaidan? Shepard's voice is groggy, quiet in the climate controlled cabin; the light from the chess set that Aria had gifted Shepard is the only thing casting a shadow across his features; tired and somewhat alert. Are you alright?

Kaidan's cloudy thoughts clear and he sits up straighter, Sorry, John, bathroom break... he trails off, but he knows the excuse is weak enough for Shepard to see through. I'm too into my thoughts to really sleep right now.

Shepard makes a low humming noise in his throat, a soft grunt of pain leaves his mouth as he tries to reach behind himself, patting the bed, Come back to bed and hold me, he says, half enticing, I'm still cold.

A moment, and then two pass before Kaidan stands and makes his way back to the bed, sliding under the covers and helping Shepard maneuver until they're facing each other--Shepard's skin isn't cold anymore, it's warm, so warm and the tired lines around Shepard's eyes seem lighter now, There you are, Shepard whispers, tilting his head up to press a kiss, just off center of Kaidan's mouth. You're always taking such good care of me, Kaidan, he whispers and slides his arm around Kaidan's waist, pulling them close, Thank you.

Despite his words just a few moments ago, now in the cocoon of warmth, pressed against the man that he loves more than anything in this entire universe, he feels his eyes droop, lids heavy with sleep.

EDI? Shepard's voice is barely above a whisper, and EDI's answering Yes Commander? is just as low.

How far are we from our next location?

Nothing, and then, instead of EDI's voice, Joker's voice comes over the comms, We've got this Commander, we're en route to the Citadel, we need some supplies. We're estimating another light cycle before we arrive. So, you know. Rest.

Kaidan barely hears Shepard's answering laugh, his soft words of gratitude before Shepard fits his head just in the dip between Kaidan's collarbones, sighing soft and happy.

Rest, Kaidan, Shepard whispers into his shirt. I'm alright now that you're here.

#masseff #my fic #my writing #i have a rbb to write and yet here i am writing this :)#mshenko baybee

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kn1feinthec0ffee · 4 years

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love me love me (say that you love me) - spencer reid

spencer reid x fem!reader

title from lovefool by the cardigans

summary: after a close brush with death in the field, y/n visits an injured spencer in the hospital to have a heart to heart.

warnings: a lil bit of angst, fluff bc im incapable of writing pure angst, descriptions of injury

word count: 1,987

notes: this is my submission for @veraiconcos‘ fic writer challenge, i spent a super long time on this and i really hope you guys enjoy it as its one of my favorite things i’ve ever written ☺️

********************

settling in to what would be another evening of unfortunate, unwanted solitude due to your boyfriend having yet another late night at work, you stretched out across the sofa, wine glass in hand, ready to relax after a hard day’s work.

that was until your phone began to ring and vibrate obnoxiously across the wooden coffee table.

“jj? hi, what’s up?” you inquired, curious as to why she was calling you during a case.

“we got the guy, but spence wasn’t so lucky.” she began hesitantly. “he almost got shot, but he was stabbed a few times.”

she heard your stifled gasp through the speaker, cutting you off before you would inevitably begin rambling off questions, a habit of spencer’s you’d acquired after a long while of knowing him. “don’t worry, he keeps telling everyone he’s fine. doctor says the wounds might scar, but overall he should be alright.”

you scrunched your eyes closed, willing your racing heart to slow with the news that spencer would be okay. despite jj’s calming tone and the relatively good news from the call, you couldn’t help the nagging feeling that your boyfriend was not, in fact, okay.

“thanks, babe. would you mind telling me where you guys are? am i allowed to come visit?” your voice took on a hopeful tone that your hands betrayed, anxiously twirling a loose strand of hair that had fallen out of your bun.

“visiting hours ended a little while ago, but i’m sure i can pull a few strings for you.” your chest deflated with a relieved sigh at the thought of having visual confirmation spencer would be fine. “i just texted you the address, see you soon, y/n.”

“you too. bye,” the phone dropped onto the table with a hollow clatter. you downed what little was left in your wine glass before standing up from the sofa to get ready. you still couldn’t shake the feeling that something was up with spencer so you put in an extra bit of effort to wear some of his favorite pieces of clothing of yours, just to bring a smile to his face.

———————————————

after receiving special clearance from jj at the front desk, you headed down the hallway. you never liked hospitals; you found something about about the stark white, sterile halls cold and off putting.

the door slowly opened, a gentle creak emanating from its well-used hinges. you had hoped your entrance would be quiet enough to let the boy wonder rest, but alas, he had woken up.

though the way his irises glistened in the artificial light when he saw you was just as gratifying.

“y/n, what are you doing here?” the interrogative sounded less like a question and more like an exclamation of awe, but you weren’t complaining.

“what, you didn’t think i’d show up when a little birdie told me my boyfriend was stabbed on duty? some girlfriend i’d be,” you scoffed sarcastically.

the plastic legs of the chair skidded across the linoleum as you dragged it next to the bed. spencer held out a hand towards you to hold, a sure fire sign something was wrong.

he loved affection, especially from you, but he only seemed to initiate it on blue moons.

you gratefully slipped your fingers in between his and gave them a quick, reassuring squeeze. “what happened, hon?”

his amber hues flicked to several spots around the relatively uninteresting room before landing on your intertwined digits. “we raided his apartment just like we usually do and i happened to be the first one to come across him. i saw he had a gun and i’m lucky i ducked pretty quickly or else i might not even be here at all.

“morgan and i moved in on him to make the arrest, but it slipped our minds that the profile said he was hyper-vigilant and paranoid, and i failed to notice knife he had in his other hand and he stabbed me a few times before emily pulled him away from me.” spencer recalled with an expertise that came as a surprise to absolutely no one who knew him.

“you say that like you’re reciting a poem,” you frowned, rubbing a thumb across his knuckles. “you could’ve died, spence.”

“i guess it’s just not that big of a deal to me?” he seemed to question his own statement as it passed through his lips. “i think i’ve grown so accustomed to putting my life on the line that i just doesn’t even faze me anymore.”

“i get it, but don’t you ever - i don’t know - get worried you won’t come back to me one of these days?” you averted your eyes to the floor.

his grip on your hand tightened exponentially, causing your gaze to snap up to his. “of course i do, i worry about you all the time. isn’t it normal to worry about the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?”

his admission of love brought heat to your cheeks and tears to your eyes. “good, good, i’m glad we both agree on that then.” you smiled sadly.

the presence of an oddly heavy silence weighed down on both of you as you sat in thought. “do you ever get tired, y/n?” the genius queried quietly, elaborating when he noticed the confusion etched across your features. “i mean - well - tired of me? of my life being on the line every time i go to work? of thinking that maybe that time you said goodbye to me when i left would be the last time? doesn’t that exhaust you?”

this was exactly what you had been anticipating since jj called. the drawn-out periods of unusual silence, less eye contact than normal, the anxious fidgeting. not that you’d tell him, but you’d subtly began subconsciously profiling as well.

“if you’re asking if i get tired of those things, then yes, i do,” you murmured softly. “but if you’re asking if being with you while i have to deal with all those things is exhausting, then my answer is no. absolutely not.”

another pause. spencer played with your fingers, fiddling around with the ring he’d bought for you as fond memories swirled through his mind. “wouldn’t it be easier if you were with someone else? i don’t know, maybe someone with an average career where they don’t look at dead bodies and arrest serial killers all the time? maybe a barista or something less traumatizing than what i do?”

your lips curled up into a smile as you giggled. “yeah, i mean, of course that’d be easier, but when has life ever been easy? and besides, why would i want a barista when i could have a badass, genius iq level guy like you?”

he grinned, holding eye contact for the longest period of time since you passed through the door. “i think those attributes directly contradict each other, but whatever makes you happy, love.”

the tension had lifted, conversation flowing with ease, yet you could still tell there was something off about reid. something left unspoken.

“hey,” you murmured, brushing a stray strand of hair out of his face. “you sure you’re alright?”

a moment of hesitation flickered through his eyes before he answered. “of course i am. didn’t i say i was?”

“you did, but you don’t have the best track record when it comes to being honest about your emotions.” you watched several emotions pass through his eyes - one of his tells; those hazel hues could be read like a book.

he seemed to take a deep, collective inhale before he spoke in a small voice. “i know you said you weren’t tired of me, but i’m just scared you’re lying. n-not that i think you would ever be untruthful,” he immediately corrected himself upon understanding how his words could be perceived.

“i-” tears brimmed his coffee colored optics, terrifying you for what he might say next. “you’re the most important thing in my life- in the world even- and i’m just worried you’ll leave me. i’ll come home one night when you’ve decided you’ve had enough of this life and you have all your bags packed, ready to leave. i don’t want to lose you. i can’t lose you.”

noticing a few drops had landing on your lap, you realized you’d been crying as he admitted his insecurities to you. “i love you so much, spencer. more than anything in the world. and i know how hard it is to quiet those voices, and i know whatever i say will only be enough to quell them for a while, but you’re everything to me. just know i would never, ever even dream of leaving you.”

you sniffled, wiping the tear tracks from your face when you looked over to spencer. he held eye contact with you, something you knew was challenging for him to do.

“y/n,” he moved a hand to cup your cheek. “if i asked you to stay, would you?”

you let his words sink in and nodded nearly imperceptibly. you laid a kiss on his palm before turning to him again. “absolutely. i am wholly and completely devoted to you, spencer reid.”

his cheeks burned and his brows furrowed, almost as if he was having trouble accepting your straightforward answer. “do you promise?”

you debated a sarcastic response, but you were unsure what his reaction might be in such a vulnerable state, and you didn’t want to find out.

“i do, my love.” you murmured, crossing your pinky with his. he settled, visibly, too, at your admission of adoration. you knew he struggled with fully trusting those around him and you were immeasurably proud of him in this moment.

“are you heading home?” his soft lilt broke the silence that had blanketed the room with its persistent presence. “i wouldn’t blame you if you were.”

“are you kidding? after all that rom-com sappiness you think i want to leave?” you both laughed, basking in the positivity of the moment. “i’m afraid you’re stuck with me. look, i even brought a change of clothes and everything.”

while you loved the adorable look of surprise on his face, you almost wished you could wipe away any doubts he may harbor in his mind about you and your unwavering loyalty. you looked up at him again as he spoke. “are you going to sleep in that chair?”

“i’d lay with you, but you’ve got wounds everywhere and no way in hell am i risking re-opening anything that’s been sealed.” you held your hands up in mock defense, earning a chuckle from the doctor.

“you could, um, put your head on my chest,” his cheeks tinted pink. “i love it when you do that.” you planted a quick kiss on his cheekbone before pressing a longer one to his lips.

every time your lips met, as cliched as it was, it felt like the first again. not in every way, they were missing the same awkward teeth clashing and spit swapping as the original, but you could almost feel every ounce of passion jolting all the way through your being. and most assuredly, spencer reciprocated your feelings as he chased your lips every single time they made to retreat from his.

you pulled the chair as close to the hospital bed as you could and rested your head on his chest. the lyrical, constant beat of spencer’s lulled you to sleep, creating a symphony just for you.

before your eyes closed, you intertwined spencer’s fingers with yours, prompting him to look down at you. “i’ve got promises to keep, and miles to go before i sleep.”

though he knew it was medically impossible, spencer reid’s heart leapt a mile in his chest at the irrevocable love he felt for you, both in that moment and always as he completed the line, “and miles to go before i sleep.”

********************

guys wait i think this is the first ending i’ve written that i actually enjoy and i just finished this at 1am last night and i am so sleep deprived

please let me know if you want to be added/removed from my taglist!!

tags: @sojournmichael @stinkyelf @crazyfore3 @cal-ifornication @eggygorl02 @howdycharlie @eosprincess @mortallythoughtfulgurl @illuxions-x @unlikelyempathpruneauthor @blankets-for-bees @holycandypizza @flyingbabyunicornnamedangel @lovelyrdjr @minnie-bby @fantastic-fans @ashwarren32 @rexorangecouny @elitereid @keomoon @achieveonyourown @whogirl7 @jjtheangel @carol-danvers-wife

#vicficwriterchallenge #spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid oneshot #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid fic #spencer reid angst #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid criminal minds #criminal minds #cm #matthew gray gubler #matthew gray gubler character #mgg #mgg character #my writing

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chunhua-s · 3 years

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congrats on your milestone event!!! id like to request for kita soulmate!au with angst to fluff genre 👉👈 yknow sumn rejection shit bcs im hopeless like that wehee once again congrats! and i love your writing style :3

anon you’re gonna make me cry 🥺 seriously i’m happy you enjoy my writing and that you think my style’s okay! most of the time i go off of what kind of feelings i get when i’m writing or the imagery that comes up in my head and i’m never sure that it translates well enough for you guys to feel or see the same thing. hopefully as i keep writing then i’ll be able to show you guys what’s on my mind better when i’m writing! thank you again for requesting — seriously, it means a lot! and like always, you guys, don’t be afraid to come and talk to me on and off anon! your interactions mean a lot, especially for content creators! we love hearing what you all think, what you like/dislike about our work, what you think of certain characters — absolutely anything! come and talk with us more whenever you can 💕

writing for kita feels calming somehow. normally the things that come up in my chest or my mind when i write gets nearly overwhelming if that makes sense? like i’ll have to pause and remind myself to breathe because it takes up so much of my attention that i kinda get lost, but with kita, it feels more flowey to me. it’s not demanding but more like a gentle coaxing kind of thing or like looking at the surface of a calm river. i was initially scared to write for him because i was worried i wouldn’t get him right, but i feel satisfied with how this turned out, i think. i hope you guys will find it as calming as i found it too! it might not be exactly what you wanted, but because i had already written the rejection of a person for atsumu’s soulmate oneshot, i wanted to play around with kita’s character and make it instead the rejection of a concept/idea? which would indirectly lead to him... you know, rejecting his soulmate initially, but— ahhhhhh it might make sense to just read it!! these rambles keep getting longer and longer :v i’m sorry for that!! please go ahead and read and tell me what you think in the end! 💕

NOTNING MORE THAN HUMAN ➽ KITA SHINSUKE x READER

genre: angst to fluff

au: soulmate

warnings: none

shinsuke kita is human.

and of course, that much is obvious. he isn’t a machine that’s incapable of feelings and emotions, whose heart is unfamiliar with melodies of an overwhelming joy, or the quiet hymns of deep rooted sadness. his skin still burns under righteous fury and anger, his tongue still weighs heavy under hesitance and silent worries. at the end of every long day, he’s still human.

it’s because he’s human that the words on his collarbone feel so heavy, as if they might cave into the bone and destroy him under their weight. it’s because he’s human that the sight of black markings in the mirror clouds his mind with a new kind of fear and worry. shinsuke kita is human, but he’s long since taught himself how to abandon anxiety and nervousness. he surrounds himself in familiar routines that calm the turbulent voices of doubt, he builds habits that ground him to the earth lest he should be swept away by the current. shinsuke has taught himself not to be afraid for the things that will happen everyday, but meeting his soulmate isn’t one of those things he can prepare for.

it’s a strange concept, he considers to himself. shinsuke doesn’t believe in words like fate or destiny, doesn’t care for the higher powers that should judge his actions. as far as he’s concerned, his own will is what dictates where his life goes — he’s in control, and that’s how it’s always been for him. let the gods watch, if they must, but he’s already decided that he’ll live by what is right, and he wouldn’t dare falter in the face of it. and yet — and it’s such a strange thing for him to do so — he pauses under the notion of a soulmate, of a destined partner who’s supposedly bound to him for as long as he should live. at first, he hadn’t given the idea much thought; it wouldn’t serve any purpose to worry about something that would happen whether or not he wants it, he decided. the truth of it is inevitable, just as the leaves must fall in autumn and the earth should be buried under clouds of white in winter. shinsuke is human — what more can he do but to accept it?

the black words that spread across his skin like droplets of ink became the bitter seeds of doubt that he hadn’t felt in a long time. it’s raining a lot today, isn’t it? the sentence by itself is so bland, like something maybe aran or anyone else might say to him in passing, and at first, it didn’t shake him too much, until he was caught one day under a sudden summer storm. seventeen year old kita somehow found himself stranded beneath a small shelter, where the wooden covering could protect him more than his umbrella until the rain passed. it was nearly unconscious, but he somehow found himself on edge, his breath faltered with the harsh pitter patter of rainfall that tumbled from green leaves and tore ripples from the surface of the lake. shinsuke kita found himself with a stomach full of butterflies and a thundering heartbeat that stole him away from solace and calm, cast the peace that he would so often carry with him away and left him stranded among chopping waves. every trembling breath he took stung on cold air and left him with a burning feeling on his lungs. it’s unfamiliar in its presence and shakes him to his core, but shinsuke kita is reminded of his own humanity when he realizes that what he feels, is anticipation and nervousness.

and it’s an odd thing. as he becomes aware of it, he finds himself twisting his fingers together during spring time; he worries his bottom lip between his teeth during unexpected showers. he feels like a child who stands in line to ride a roller coaster for the first time in his life — wide-eyed and drowning in the millions of feelings that race throughout his body. the feeling itself is nothing new, though it’s unfamiliar and intense in its ferocity and demand, seizes his heart and squeezes so tightly that whenever it rains, he’s left breathless.

it’s almost enough to drive him mad.

his very foundation seems to fall apart with the thunder that rolls across grey skies. for every drop of rain that hits the pavement, he finds himself a jittery mess as his heartbeat tears through his chest. the man who taught himself to abandon his fears reverts into the young boy who watched out for god, for the higher beings who watched his every move. and the thought that comes with every brilliant bolt of lightning burns him just as hotly, invasive and demanding when it flashes through his mind on a single, low whisper:

will you be happy?

shinsuke kita is human. he learns as he sees and lives as he’s learned, and what he saw growing up was that soulmates were bounded together till death do them part. a connection that’s set deep in stone, never to be erased by unforgiving weather and to persevere during the cruelest of storms. it’s an inevitable reality that the gods designed, so that mortals like himself should dance on stage and tell them a story. but shinsuke knows that not all these stories have a happy ending.

there are plays that end in tragedy and loss, those that only knew memories of pain and sang with death’s violin. man becomes the actor to a play that he has no choice in and dances on the puppet master’s strings, he surrenders control and gives himself up to the music, and he has no way of knowing the end of it until the curtains should fall. shinsuke has never been one to lay down his will, and yet, as winter melts once more into gray rain clouds and scattered showers, he’s reminded of his mortality, of the fate that’s been sealed away in the falling of rain. shinsuke kita is human, and so he must, like all men do, bend to fate’s will and never utter a word against her.

and for a long time, the sentiment caused him to completely reject the idea of a soulmate.

that feeling of helplessness that would wash over him with the rain turned into a bitterness that crushed his lungs between tightened fist. the acceptance of an inevitable waltz — whether it be to eternal happiness or to a cruel melody — turned into rebellious loathing that spat in the face of destiny. it’s entirely childish in its tale, like a toddler throwing a tantrum because he doesn’t want to give up his precious toy. that toy is his control, the power he had to live his life by his truth, not by that of a higher being. he’s human, after all, and humans are selfish and resentful by nature.

he finds himself with a heavy chest today, as well, as he waits for the pouring rain to subside. the small shelter in the middle of the garden park is familiar, and carries with it the memories of his epiphany, the one that created thunder storms in his once tranquil heart, and for that, he hates this place. the sound of the rain hitting the roof is like nails scratching against the chalkboard; the sound of droplets hitting the lake like an annoying whining that he can’t get out of his head. shinsuke curses this little pocket away from the world with all the childish anger in the world — let it be damned that doing so wouldn’t change anything. for once, he let himself go on a petty grudge against the universe, and against that looming stage and its heavy curtains.

it’s nearly faint, but he picks up on the patter-patter of footfalls that quickly approach him, and he turns bronze coloured eyes to find your rain-drenched figure running for shelter under the little gazebo. you’re out of breath by the time you make it underneath, letting out an exhausted and frustrated sigh as you press your hands to your knees, and shinsuke finds himself sympathizing with the way you bitterly push your hair from your face. you’re an ordinary office worker, from what he can see; you’ve hidden what looks to be a messenger back beneath your coat, leaving you to tremble in a thin button-up. this day’s downpour had been sudden, unexpected as spring would soon surrender to the approaching summer, and he imagines that he would have been in a similar position as yourself had he not packed his umbrella beforehand.

a silence settles over the both of you that’s only broken by the heavy rain, but the presence of it is so soothing that shinsuke finds himself breathing on a lighter air. suddenly the smell of petrichor turns sweeter, the melody of raindrops melting into a distant lullaby, and for the first time, shinsuke feels his heart melt under an indescribable sense of warmth despite the weather. and when your eyes turn to find his, a helpless grin on your lips, he feels that warmth explode under summer fireworks and coarse throhgh his veins like liquid lightning.

“it’s raining a lot today, isn’t it?”

for the second time in his life, shinsuke has an epiphany under the shelter in the garden.

he feels every bit of resentment vanish on a sudden gust of wind, one that sends raindrops splashing against his skin, but he doesn’t seem to notice. not when grey clouds suddenly reveal to him pillars of sunlight that embrace your figure and makes you glow against a background of green leaves. the rain turns into something sweet and enticing, and it suddenly gives shinsuke this unexplainable urge to grab your hand and dance with you underneath the pouring showers, where he can hear your voice ring out on chimes of laughter and innocent bliss. in mere seconds, he manages to let go of the dark clouds that he’d unintentionally harboured on his chest, he let them burst with the weight of anger and childish fury so that they would hit the earth on giant droplets of rain.

shinsuke kita is human — he’s imperfect, mortal. he feels and he thinks and he speaks what’s on his mind. he can hate, and he can love: he can make that decision on whether or not to hold useless grudges and to curse a destiny he can’t change, or to welcome that inevitability with the willingness to learn and grow.

today, as he stands beneath a wooden shelter, hiding from the heavy rains, he decides to stretch his hand out and let the water hit his skin.

davi hits 200 followers — haikyuu!! au writing event! 💕

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#kita shinsuke x reader #kita x reader #kita x reader scenario #kita x reader imagine #kita x y/n #kita x reader angst #kita x reader fluff #haikyuu!! x reader #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu!!#haikyuu x reader imagine #haikyuu x reader angst #haikyuu x reader fluff #davi hits 200! ✨#haikyuu!! au event 💫

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bewareofthorns · 5 years

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❝ Hearts starve as well as bodies. Give us bread, but give us roses. ❞

SARAH JEFFREY? No, that’s actually ROSE GRANGER-WEASLEY. A SEVENTH YEAR student, this GRYFFINDOR student is sided with MCGONAGALL’S ARMY. SHE identifies as CISGENDER FEMALE and is a HALF-BLOOD who is known to be COMPETITIVE, STUBBORN, and CRITICAL but also RESILIENT, CAREFUL, and COMPASSIONATE. { A, 19, EST, SHE/HER }

MY INTRO

You know your place.

All your life you’ve been what other people have wanted. From the beginning, your parents needed you to be the perfect daughter, and so you became one. Years later, when your brother needed you to be a perfect sister, you took that on as well.

You didn’t really know it meant then. Back then, the ribbons in your hair and the perfectly-pleated skirts were fun. As your mother straightened your hair and made sure you were the picture-perfect daughter she had only ever known you to be, you thought it would always be this easy to make everyone happy.

But since then, the demands have only multiplied. At Hogwarts, your teachers expected you to be as smart as your mother, as brave as your father. Your friends expected even more. You were meant to be the life of the party, the head of the class, a role model, a rule breaker— a dizzying swirl of paradoxical things that you could barely keep straight.

You were meant to be everyone’s dream girl.

And, for better or worse, you’ve made sure you were.

Maybe it was the fact that you never wanted to back down from a challenge. Maybe you just hated to disappoint. But when they came asking for Good Rose, for Smart Rose, for Kind Rose, for Perfect Rose, you gave them what they wanted. You let them take the part of you that they wanted most.

Of course, that ribbon in your hair seems a little childish now. There’s a war on, after all. And, though you’ve spent your whole life trying to solve everyone’s problems, this one seems a little out-of-your-reach, so to speak.

But maybe that’s the thing- you’ve known your place from the beginning. You are Rose Weasley. And that means, you’ll be anything they need you to be. You’ll be the reinforcements, the recruiter. You’ll be the shoulder-to-cry-on, the soldier, the spy, the saint. You’ll be a martyr even— if they ask.

It’s okay.

For other people, sometimes, decisions are hard to make. For other people, it would be normal to be afraid. But you’re Rose Weasley – and that means you’re perfect.

Even if you’re not.

rose is… hella competitive, hella pushy, hella intimidating.

but also she’s hella compassionate, hella kind and hella !! a mess ! even if she doesn’t look like it at first glance.

FIRST OFF, you don’t need to ask. her OWLs were phenomenal. when she got her results back, her dad promptly framed them in the kitchen— and he (still!) will talk about them to anyone who asks.

thankfully, she doesn’t really talk about that.

it’s a point of shame—to be honest. how much she had to study for them. how gaunt she looked after the exams were over, the way she cried in the girl’s bathroom for hours after her last one. studying never came as easy for her as it did her mother, so it seemed. and there was so much pressure to do well– to do better. and so- she did. but at what cost.

former president of the debate club, former prefect

look, one of these she couldn’t carry out because she got a promotion. and the other, she resigned in disgrace. she’s head girl now. so figure that one out.

did she get into a HUGE argument with another member of the debate club????? hmmm maybe u know… snatch this plot up boiisss

current president of s.p.e.w., HEAD GIRL!!, member of the dueling club, also taking way too many classes at the NEWT level

probably gives your character too many detentions

very!! very !! family-oriented. to the point where, when she originally went to hogwarts, she had trouble making friends and just breaking out of that bubble.

now that’s she’s here and established herself— she’s been known to tell off her family members in public and loudly. unfortunately, she’s also been known to shoot a few curses on anyone who gets on the wrong side of them.

hugo? her entire world? her wittle baby brother? she literally asks someone about him every single day, bc what if ! something is going on with him ! that he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to big sis about !

according to most anyone, is literally perfect.

probably takes notes with like seventeen highlighters and a speciality quill and has perfect handwriting. used to let anyone borrow her notes, but ever since the Permanent Ink Spill (Never Let ___ Borrow Your Notes Without A Copy)Incident of 2021– there’s a cover charge for a look.

at the same time though, like– she stopped liking strawberry-flavoured bertie bott’s beans in second year because of the Accidental Nausea Charm And Proof Of Aversive Conditioning’s Effectiveness Incident and hasn’t gotten the courage to tell anyone that it’s no longer her favorite, bc of the whole scared of letting people down thing. A MESS.

have people in her family literally… picked out… every single strawberry or (vaguely pinkish) bean and given it to her before. has she just smiled at them and pretended to enjoy it.

you might notice that everything in Rose Weasley’s life that is eventful becomes An Incident.

1. she does remember all of them. 2. they do all have names like the ANCAPOACE and the PIS(NL_BYNWAC) that she refers to them by in her diary.

b a r e l y talks to people who disagree with her ideology. imo– this makes her prime target to be swayed to opposing factions but U DIDN’T HEAR THAT HERE.

kinda lowkey NAIVE AS HECK. literally tell her, u like her for her… for one second and she’ll melt. like. not saying u should, but like. she’s spent all of her time living for everyone else. convince her to be her own person while really ??? convincing her to do things for you?? gross. ew.aka i love angst and im ashamed.

also tell her she’s doing something wrong. omg like she turns completely flustered, incapable of responding. embarrassed? angry? she’ll try and curse you when she comes to, but she’s going to be so mortified.

always wears the charm bracelet that was given to her at birth. magicked to expand to always fit her wrist. she changes the charms that dangle off of it every so often and has amassed quite a collection of charms.

her favorite charm is the lightning bolt that she got in remembrance of harry. harry was her favorite uncle. she misses him a lot. not that she talks about that.

least favorite charm is the one that’s been on it since she got it– its broken and charmed and yet, someone put a permanent sticking charm on it. she’s tried to get it removed a couple of times, to no avail.

??? is this… a mystery… i’m dying… to… try n plot out… what!! no ;)))))

was adopted. believes that doesn’t really matter. doesn’t know her biological family. i don’t think anyone outside of ron and hermione knows that. anyone alive, anyways. sometimes-- things are more than they seem. would love to do a plot abt this. y’know.

#iidyintro #pls ... hmu 4 plotz #i am also sorry for the length...#if u have to choose just read the bullet points below

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domesticangel · 5 years

Photo

ok ive been wanting to do an OC redraw/redesign for a while now and uh, well here it is !!! top is obv the revamp and bottom is these three’s original designs ,,, the bottom pic is 9 years old (holy smokes) so i made them during my middle school emo/scene phase when i was like 12 so thats why they're.........Like That lmao but left to right in both pics is jude, elliot, and skipper!!! this was? so fun honestly

ummm lots of info/backstory about them under the cut lol

so in the original pic/designs… if I remember correctly jude and skipper were in police academy training to be cops and elliot was some punk ass kid theyd end up seeing around a lot cause he was in and out of holding for Delinquent Things, and ofc they magically became friends. Im pretty sure they were all 16/17 when I first made them which makes no sense at all (teen cops??? Ok) but like when ur 12, teenagers are Practically Adults BUT none of that is Canon TM anymore. In their redesign they range from early to late 20’s; I usually peg jude around 26-27, elliot is probably 23-24, and skipper is 21.

jude was the very first oc I ever made so shes always had a special place in my heart… I started churning out rapid fire ocs when I was in middle school that id toss when I was bored with em but shes the one that always stuck around!! Shes been a big honkin lesbian ever since her conception, so id use her a lot to express BabyGay feelings I didn’t really know how else to process. design wise I kinda just simplified her look; I have no fucking clue why she used to have an eyepatch and cat ears (I mean, I do, its because I was a weeb) but I got rid of those along with the scene hair and gave her longer hair with more natural waves and some freckles from spending a lot of time in the sun. her gray eyes and hair were always kind of her signature, so those got to stay! She mostly just wears anything that’s easy enough to move around and get work done in; tank tops, loose long skirts, etc. think futch hippy. anyways jude is now just a simple plant witch who uses her skills and connection with the elements to run a modest local farm, and even though shes fairly content in her lifestyle, she wants nothing more than a gf/wife that she can work hard to give a good life to :3c shes a hopeless romantic and has a bad habit of falling a little bit in love with every woman she meets, but shes mad shy when it comes to flirting, so more often than not shes just a sweaty ball of pining and infatuation. Whenever shes feeling some type of way about a girl she either obsessively takes on projects around the farm or house to distract herself or rants to her plants about how shes too afraid to express her feelings. RIP useless lesbian jude. Anyway shes the oldest of the trio, so shes very protective of elliot and skipper in a mother hen kind of way. She gets embarrassed when she realizes shes lecturing them like a cranky old maid, but they secretly don’t really mind it and often come to her for general life advice. I think her sign would be Taurus :3c (and probably an air moon since she’s kind of a space cadet)

elliot was REALLY FUN to redesign bc I honestly just wanted him to look like one of those people who had a HUGE scene phase way back when and just… never completely grew out of it lmao so I gave him the two-tone mullet he deserves, grown out roots hes definitely not gonna bother to re-bleach and re-dye, and piercing scars under his lip from where he used to have some tacky ass snakebites that he probably had to take out to get a job or something lol. he couldn’t completely give up piercings though, so the labret and gauges got to stay. Dudes not COMPLETELY stuck in 2007, but he does still enjoy a lot of the OG emo/punk bands and the fantasy of making it big in his own band and touring the country in a fashionably clunky van. He doesn’t exactly have a band, but hes working on that. Hes halfway decent on vocals and a guitar so he spends a lot of time combing through the local college town he lives and works in in hopes of finding some people who’d wanna play some gigs with him. But in the mean time, he works as a barista in a local café, which usually hooks him up by letting him do some acoustic sets at night every now and again. Hes a very warm and upbeat person, and will happily engage and talk the ear off of anyone close enough for him to do so, stranger or otherwise. He also regularly reminds jude and skipper how much he loves both of them and how glad he is that theyre all friends; He doesn’t really have much in the way of embarrassment or apprehension when it comes to what hes feeling. Hes the official unofficial “plan-maker” of the friend group and is able to bring them all together for quality time, because hes not at all passive like jude or skipper, and… usually has the most free time out of all of them lol. elliot is pure Leo and that’s about all there is to that

And finally, congratulations to skipper, who against all odds, looked normal enough that I didn’t really have to change anything at all about his design! Just had to ditch the uniform for your typical Tired Gay mustard sweaters. Skipper is an English major in his sophomore year of college who, like most people in their 20’s in liberal arts programs, is desperately trying to figure out what he wants out of life and also doesn’t know what sleeping or self-care is. He really enjoys writing, but doesn’t really know if he wants to do it for a living or if he even could. He grew up with pretty cold and distant parents, so on top of knowing they don’t really approve of his major, he pretty much always operates under the assumption that if hes not working himself to death hes not justifying the space hes taking up or the air hes breathing. Emotionally speaking hes more emo than elliot will ever be and his blood is probably 75% caffeine. He having kind of a rough time tbh but hes gritting it out in hopes that things become more clear eventually. He’d be way worse off if he didn’t have jude or elliot, who hes more thankful for than he can ever bring himself to express. They were essentially his first real, close friends, and despite skipper being incapable of asking for help, they always seem to know when he needs someone to talk to or even just a brief distraction; Jude has an open door policy for her farm and will let him come over and cuddle some rabbits or sit and talk over tea on her porch whenever he needs to, and elliot cant remember the last time hes made skipper pay for anything he ordered from the café, or the last time he even had to ask skipper what he wanted. Because hes the youngest of the three its sometimes their instinct to protect him, which embarrasses skipper out of his mind, but he knows they mean well. Hes the physical embodiment of Just Doing His Best and is a stone cold Capricorn

They’re still besties but basically met just from living in the same town; jude and elliot met when jude started providing the café’s local roast from the coffee beans she grew on her farm so elliot saw her fairly regularly and of course was like Oh Friend? Jude always liked how forthcoming elliot was as it complimented her generally reserved nature, and elliot always thought living on a farm and growing your own food was pretty punk rock and therefore pretty dang cool in his book. They both got to know skipper because he came to the café every. single. day. to ingest ungodly amounts of espresso and study all day, and when elliot took an interest in skipper, jude suggested he invite him to one of his gigs since the poor guy kinda looked like he needed a break. Skipper initially kind of politely shot elliot down, but jude took a chance and found skipper later to tell him how much itd mean to elliot, and that if it made him feel better she’d go with him, since going to events like this was different for her too. skipper apprehensively agreed at that point, and the rest is history !!! they all kinda hit it off after that

tl;dr

#art #oc #original character #i even named the redraw frensiswhenyouhaveabud.jpeg #i think about this sentence almost daily #jude #elliot #skipper #redraw

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vivipuppy · 3 years

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neil 4, 8 even though i've listened to his entire playlist, 16 bc ik u love his relationship w his moms, 20, 28, 32, 36, 44, 64, 68. brorre 6, 15, 21, 27, 33, 39, 45, 51, 57, 63, 69. moro 1, 10, 14, 22, 30, 34, 42, 46, 58. nyatalia 17, 25, 57!

Sho you madman. This is so many thank you. Im going to put these out based on the character, as to not just be a really shitty wall of text on my blog. isntead it will be 4 walls.

Neil, the Old One Warlock who, after falling from grace as the most intelligent person in the most intelligent city of the world, his paranoia and fear of the world around him turned up past 11

4) if they could learn one spell that isn’t available to them at present, which spell would it be? Neil ended as an 8th level warlock, so he never got to super high stuff. THE most neil spell is Maddening Darkness, the 8th level evocation spell. A 60 ft sphere of darkness that nothing can illuminate beyond 8th level or high spells. Filled with gibbering shrieks and mad laughter. Its not a very STRONG spell, but its a large area, and his inability to control his magic surfacing with aoe spells was a big thing for me to do with him, as well as the flavor just fitting so well.

8) 3 songs that fit them

Haha i always had so much trouble with neil's playlist. Always felt like too like... shitty whiny white boy music was so self depreciating and neil is, at his core, incapable of self depreciation. His ego is core to his character.

Still Feel by Half Alive will always be a neil song to me

Ramblings of a Lunatic by Bears in Trees is like... probably like. THE neil song to me.

And... i cant NOT include touch tone telephone right? the song that created him, despite it not really fitting him anymore? I cant not include that, its too important to creating him. He's as far away from the energies or themes of that song as possbile now, but i have to include it.

16) what are their feelings on the people who raised them? This is.... a very hard question. His moms love him, and he... loves them. But a big big part of what made him so obsessed with knowledge and the need to handle anything the collage put him through was because of them in the first place. He didnt have friends, he had them. And they pushed him to chase his dream, because it WAS his dream. He always saw that tower, and wanted to be there, because everyone who was anyone was going there. But when it became too much.... he couldnt let them down. They were his only support and he was an adult now who could see that they were getting older and unable to get out of their intense poverty that he couldnt just NOT finish his schooling. And he... he resents that. But he knows its not fair, but he still does. He loves them, but they're the only ones, so that becomes a problem. 20) which of the five senses do they rely on the most? Sound. Tell when a spell is cast, tell how many footprints, and most importantly- when he listens to peoples thoughts, thats the Only thing you can trust. Is when you sneak into their mind and hear their true thoughts. Actions cant be trusted, thats easy. He knows how to lie- everyone does, then. Sound. Just gotta open up your ears to hear more than people think they do

28) who would they kill? who would they kill for? Who? anyone, really. Which sounds crass, which sounds cold, but... neil would never take the life of an innocent unless it garunteed the saftey of more than the one he had to take. His cold logic is harsh, but in the end, the results are proven. And for who? Well... for Justice, Buck and Cho of course. He cant do what he set out to do alone, and whether they agree or even have the same goal, he knows they'll listen if he tries to make them. And together they can accomplish a lot.

32) Do they seek control? Or do they want less of it? Whoooo boy another tough one. He wants control. He needs it. But... but if he could release it completely.... thats what he REALLY wants. But... but he doesnt trust another soul as much as he trusts himself. HE can do things NOBODY else can. So HE is the one who needs control. HE must do it. Nobody else can be trusted to. But really, deep down... if he could just let go of the magic... if he could stop staring at the stars that whisper to him how small he is... he would. In a heartbeat. But he cant just let go. He has to do this. He is the only one he can trust to.

36) whats a secret that they kept? TBH NONE mmgf he's so.... he was meant to hold onto his big secret stuff of becoming a warlock for a Long time, but it kinda came out the first time it came under pressure by people he couldnt just run from. If anything, id say his ex is a sore spot, but not necessarily a SECRET he's keeping.

44) what do they need to learn? go back to 32 and read that. He needs to get off his high fucking horse. Even though hes come SO far in letting other people INTO his life, i genuienly dont know if he'll ever let go of his ego in the way he needs to. Its the only thing that protected him for the years he was alone, and even before that it was such a good thing to have people look up to you the way he did. His ego is important because without it, i genuinely think he would just... crumble and not... do... anything. And really, that would be for the best, if he could let it stay that way and find happiness as a normal person. But he cant be a normal person. He has to be Polaris Neil, Walking Encyclopedia, Book King of Stuenia. Or else who is he, if not that?

64) Do they value justice or mercy more? well Justice is the name of his friend. Also... mercy? mercy gets you nothing. Mercy is the act of not following through.Justice? yeah. Yeah the guy whos killed innocents and will kill again should be stopped. its simple mathmatics. To hurt people is wrong. So he shall stop it.

68) What was the best moment of their life? ... I mean. It... was probably being accepted into the college... the joy he felt then was amazing... he finally got what he wanted... his mothers made a delicious stew, and hugged him tightly and talked about all the memories they shared of looking at that giant tower that loomed over them, that ruled their lives in ways they couldnt control. He was going to become a part of it. Its all he ever wanted, it was going to change his life. and i mean, it did, didnt it?

#I love neil so much #neil

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bartsugsy · 7 years

Note

Do you think we have suffer Robron playing families with woman who done nothing but try and split up Robron/trap Robert?

im sajidfwrfe are you joking

aaron literally threatened to punch rebecca and had an entire breakdown because he couldn’t handle her in their lives and ultimately split up with robert because of it

aaron literally hates her????

i don’t think aaron is going to get back with robert while she’s still in the picture

also w h y would she ever stick around hE IS DRUGGING HER FATHER

WHY WOULD SHE STAY AND RAISE A BABY WITH ROBERT

she would not

if they wanted happy robronbecca families they wouldn’t have written this story in the way they have. they plan this shit like 6 months in advance dude. they wouldn’t write about robert going after every single one of her family members if the end game is for her to stick around... tbh i still maintain that the only way robert can get any access to that baby at all is if every single white family member dies

bc who in their right mind would let him near the kid after this all comes out

that’s just me though

using common sense and logic

i guess if you want to work on the assumption that the show doesn’t want to use either of those you can, but in that case what’s the point of even speculating? you might as well speculate that kerry and rebecca are gonna fall in love and raise the baby as their own, leaving dan crying and living out of a caravan with daz, if you’re working under the assumption that nothing we see on screen matters bc emmerdale are gonna do the worst thing regardless

hey i guess we have three months so you never know

reberry 5ever

also i don’t believe she ever tried to trap him - he was canonically flirting with her to keep her onside. in her mind, everything was reciprocated, at least initially. even after, i think she kept just trying to tell herself that he loved her. have you ever wanted something so badly that you get confirmation bias to a ridiculous extreme - ignore everything around you that disagrees and cling onto those small facts that support what you want to believe?

(....no offence but this is 90% of emmerdale fandom um)

uh, i’m just going to go on an unnecessary rant about how i feel like rebecca is robert’s victim more than anything, but no one ever agrees with me on this, so i’m putting it under a cut to spare you all hahaha

i can’t help myself i’m so sorry

yes she absolutely did not care that he was in a relationship, but... rob flirted with her because he knew her, knew that that was the type of manipulation that would work on her, just as it worked on lawrence, just as it’s sort of working on lawrence now. he went after her in a very targeted way - and if that wasn’t what was going to be most effective, he would have done something else. he has always used her feelings against her. it’s sad that she doesn’t know how to stand up for herself or protect herself from him

of course, after he told her it wasn’t reciprocated, she still didn’t give up on loving him, but she’s never been anything less than completely open about that, even with aaron

she’s not particularly duplicitous - she’s actually consistently very very upfront about her feelings and machinations, even when it would benefit her to stay quiet

except for probably that one time when she told aaron that they had to escape robert and they were better off without him because he poisons things and then ignored all of her own advice immediately - it’s easier to explain that as something she said in an attempt to break aaron and robert up, than a genuine statement tbh

(i know, it’s impossible to get a good read on who rebecca is or what her motivations are in any given scene because she’s a plot device and has been reduced to a shadow of a character, at this point, but thems the breaks)

robert is and always has been the worst when it comes to rebecca - he treats her like absolute shit.

aaron doesn’t see it because aaron is more concerned with the fact that this is a woman who is openly in love with his husband, which is understandable, and i think as a result he places probably more of the blame on her than she deserves and absolves rob more than he deserves

(but aaron is ultimately always going to absolve rob, bc he’s a rob stan and his prioity in life is almost always robert, over everything and everyone else, because that’s just who he is)

so anyway, bascially, aaron hates rebecca

rebecca is completely in love with robert

and robert is a terrible human who uses rebecca so often and so easily that i get offended tm when anyone ever phrases a sentence around him being victim to her because he’s not, he’s the bad guy

robert and rebecca do nothing for one another’s characters tbh - they bring out the most deeply unenjoyable aspects of one another (him being unsympathetic and manipulative to the point of cruelty and her being... a bit of an idiot and completely incapable of critical thinking most of the time)

i can’t even remember the point of this post anymore, i just can’t take the idea that rebecca is the bad guy in this seriously, because she’s only guilty as much as aaron was during the affair era tbqh - it just so happens that where aaron does not put up with robert’s shit, rebecca kind of just ignores and/or embraces it

....having this exact conversation with @lesfemmesdangereuses - around the differences between aaron and rebecca and their relationships with robert, is what led her to utter my second favourite/worst thing she’s ever said to me, after sugar baby robert sugden, which was:

“robert would never be able to make aaron abort his mpreg baby”

which is entirely correct and accurate bc if robert ever tried, aaron would tell him to go die xoxo

....this conversation originally took on a life of its own but we don’t need to go into that and im sorry for ur souls if u have gotten this far and had to read that sentence

ANYWAY THE POINT IS REBECCA NEVER TRIED TO TRAP ROBERT, ROBERT TRIED TO USE REBECCA TO FUCK OVER HER ENTIRE FAMILY WITHOUT ANY REGARD TO THE CONSEQUENCES

AS HE DOES

AND THERE’S A REASON HE’S BEING REDEEMED AND NOT HER

aaron is in fact a victim in this situation and the show has made it crystal clear that he can’t be a part of it

the show isn’t even trying to create a situation where we see aaron developing feelings beyond his complete disinterest in joining the happy robecca family

robert being redeemed won’t change that fact

but if it does then hopefully rebecca/kerry can make it work bc i’m already invested

#this whole answer immediately took a Turn #and im sorry #i need a cup of tea and a lie down #answering anons #Anonymous

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robertsbutt · 7 years

Photo

loooooooooove love love these panel shots

you might think im abt to impose another stupid “lOOK HOW SIMILAR” statement but im doing this to illustrate just how different (surprise!) the protags of knb and rxl are today

to first brief over robo’s personality

stupidly honest, annoyingly methodical, straight-laced, can never take a hint, always unimpressed and expressionless: that’s how robo was introduced to us and that’s how he acts in reality, but alr the danger of falling under a subconscious impression is present not even 5 pages past the pilot chap

i could tackle each of his traits as more examples turn up in the future (as long as robo continues acting like himself these examples will turn up - eventually - whether we like it or not) but i’ll just take “can never take a hint” at random: it’s not bc he’s incapable of processing the atmosphere that he ends up never taking a hint. these traits are the result of his actions rather than a cause so as such, you could even apply a clear logic on the process that leads to him being “stupidly honest” or “always unimpressed” and/or some of his other traits that are, i think tragically, the only things to appear in public view in the end

he “can never take a hint” because -> robo isn’t somebody who wld conform to social norms. you can flip the order if you find this confusing: there are ppl who cld be desperate to conform to social norms but genuinely lack the ability to pick up on cues and hints while in the case of robo, he’s adequately aware of these stuff like your average person

what isn’t average is his mindset and not his instinctual reception. we’ve seen it many times in fact in just the course of 8 chaps? reviewing their situation word by word when tomoya dragged him along to test his new club might (sadly to a superficial glance) have made robo appear stunted when he simply happens to be the owner of a very lucid and invigorative mind? bc “methodical” happens to be the way he works as a person - which is why he voices it out and works the problem as a series of steps, but when you see him saying stuff like these

i dont get how anybody can continue to think he’s unable to get social cues. he continues to break them due to a raw ferocity in his unrelenting attitude and not bc he doesn’t truly understand what it signifies. or do you assume robo’s thinking something as idiotically basic as “i’ll just apologize first?”

well that’s the thing, given his traits it’s ridiculously easy to join it up like that saying robo’s “a weird kid” or “means no harm” when that cldn’t be further frm who he is: he’s one grounded and incredibly logical kid who isn’t as removed frm social cues as his enigma might have you think. give him 2 lifetimes and he’ll still never be somebody who “accidentally caused harm,” robo is no scatterbrain

that doesn’t mean he’s causing harm on purpose, or causing harm period. he’s too busy burning himself with his own ferocity which, coincidentally, is one of the furthest points that sets him apart frm kuroko

so ye let’s get this essay on the road

in both stories and at least of what i’ve seen in rxl so far, it’s a fact that the protags are occupied with a single, major task - but robo and kuroko are occupied with vastly diff tasks

kuroko has never been abt self-upgrade. kuroko is not a person whose story wld ever be concerned with re-evaluations, painful metamorphoses or discoveries of “who am i” - knb was a huge, huge story delivered just for kuroko’s ideals. and get this, he doesn’t own the ideals. the ideals own him.

that’s how he is as a person and that’s completely ok but it’s thanks to this - the layout of the story or otherwise - that funnily i don’t think the narratives were blatant and introductory enough with kuroko’s character as a person (for ppl to pick up frm the get go)

up till this day i hesitate to call him “kind” bc these are his concepts and ideals you’re seeing. it’s not “kindness” as a force in itself and, while im mostly neutral and even like kuroko (not slandering him just so you know), i’ll never hesitate to serve the reminder that “yes he did use kagami knowingly” or that he often, literally, is unable to see or think anything else if his ideals have been impeached. it’s not egocentric either (fujimakki’s characs are forever complex and i love it sfm) kuroko is whole-hearted and void of his own person when it comes to these ideals. or you cld say his person is those ideals.

so when ppl end up calling him “crazy/amazingly devoted” or “goes to insurmountable lengths for his friends” im like “...that’s not wrong” but it’s probably not the intended meaning most ppl have either. like i said fujimakki’s characs are complex and you often, if not always, can never take what you see for their surface value. nothing is as simple as that in sensei’s stories.

none of their personalities have been touched out in the open in knb believe it or not. it’s there when you wanna think abt who each of them are as a person but with the basketball plot gliding us over, who’s got time or the immediate interest for that ey? the intensity of the matches are fucking electrifying, you’ve got focused and determined players to watch and all is good -- but matches are just one part of the players who only assume their form as players when they step on the court

a human being is really complex and made of many infinitely smaller layers

and kuroko? i’ll break it down for you

he’s got a temper

a joker

appreciates idyllic times

mischievous (yes)

tAUNTS PPL

idk abt kind but he is indeed warm

contented to live a simple life

now here’s an impt one: he’s full of energy

it’s his body that can’t keep up, not him

and energy doesn’t mean you have to exert it like hayama

i think you can see he’s having fun: he runs and trains on the court with the mindset that he’s a very regular guy with a very regular stamina despite his (lack of) strength which is why he pukes and hacks and faints so often

and he just lets it come like some fucking joker

idk he’s just so full of energy this little fucker

it’s like this: he doesn’t actively go against the fact that his body is feeble and flimsy

but he’s so idgaf and comfortably spirited that he probably thinks it’s funny when his body does stop listening (which is every time)

and since he’s well-aware his condition is like that anyway he’s just gonna train like a regular person and listen to his body when it comes (read: collapses)

which is why he can puke, and puke so blatantly well

he’s not resisting anything be it the exhaustion that saps his body of what remaining strength it has, or the tired condition of his body

he embraces it all amazingly well imo, while it’s unfortunate for ppl like momoi who wld worry for him

but i also think this is another great attitude just as is kasamatsu-senpai’s methodology (taking impressive, measured care)

since measured care isn’t for everybody tbfh, likewise with kuroko’s method: tailoring each to their own is still the fucking best

i think enough on kuroko i like robo more than him i shld be moving on

roboooooooo homeboyyyyyyy um but, well, ok, first of all

he’s serious

like... god honest he’s a serious kid. ppl say these protags are similar in their dead fish eyes and general taciturn attitude but kuroko is the way he is bc he likes the idea of relaxed and you wont ever catch him being uptight or having exaggerated responses to things the way kagami or hyuuga or aomine do (tho expressive responses is actually the norm for ppl lol)

it’s kuroko’s way of life, having a more relaxed attitude than most, why else wld he find kagami’s responses entertaining if he didn’t understand what made it funny? (dont go there you know this fucker is having fun at kagamin’s expense)

while in robo’s case it’s hardly “relaxed anything” and he genuinely wldn’t find what tickles kuroko’s bone to be funny. he’s a serious kid omg and im even glad we’re having a serious protag (for no reason other than me being a sucker for them). robo’s taciturn attitude is a direct result of his seriousness

ok, example

@ the size of kagamin’s apmt he says it with a straight face and actually means it

none of that “im secretly being a joker” (which makes him god tier imo) bc rmb what i said abt this idiot having a temper

lesser characs in other series, when given a line like kuroko’s, are kind-hearted, mean absolutely no harm with their words and are playing around with whoever they says this to but kuroko, along with his “im gonna get angry” when kagamin didn’t exactly startle him shows that he has a actual personality that is as complex as any other human (not what i wanted to point out but since im on it)

some might say it’s just kuroko not being as kind-hearted as others but i appreciate that he’s complex and not all “friends and friends we have a good time and we hold hands” despite what ppl might say of seirin

but yes that’s not the point i wanted to talk abt the humor

tho he’s not being a joker in this scene like he is when he chases kagamin with nigou that’s an very obvious sense of humor in his statement (no matter how wry)

but

and

the 2nd example cldn’t be more obvious? in knb kagamin doesn’t even do anything to incite kuroko’s biting remarks (is it his fault that his apmt is huge? really? the guy wasn’t even flaunting but kuroko tsukkomis due to his sense of humor anyway. does he really feel that mad that kagamin’s got such a spacious living space or that kagamin is living so comfortably bc he can be seriously evil towards the guy even if it fuels my kgkr needs horribly)

(no, for the record it’s not your everyday “i tease you bc i like you,” kuroko means it. he motherfucking means it bc why else wld i had felt slightly uncomfy for reasons i cldn’t explain when i witnessed the way he tortures kagamin)

while in rxl

tomoya cldn’t incite anything better in his entire presence but i feel like robo, rather politely, closes it down like a sane person every time. bc he doesn’t feel any malicious intent towards tomoya and they’re actually getting along as friends despite what you may see as a simple comedy scene bc it’s how they operate/spend time tgt/get to know and understand with their differences

i feel like this single “tomoya, i told you to stop it” with the severely exaggerated way tomo is acting is...... the very essence of robo on display for the audience. robo is serious as in his innate attitude and responses to things, not that austere is the manner in which he conducts his life

proof: he went to fucking karaoke instead of declining? break down of robo cuz im getting tired

all the above traits abt him frm pilot chap

currently searching abt sth with himself

ok with most events (he ends up getting dragged by tomo even if he hasn’t fully comprehended why he has to be there, or is it “before he has”)

the stuff he brings up or replies in a convo are like your average person

^ hello, important????? a very normal and average person

esp this “wait, i can’t exactly say i’ve decided to join”

on other more vibrant characs they’d be like “who said anything lilke that?!” or “eh...? that’s not what i said...” but robo’s reaction is the perfect picture of normalcy bc it’s impt to point out the ambiguous decision left in joining in a situation like that tbh

maybe one of his traits has to be changed to “extremely methodical”

brash and excessively bold when something illogical happens, not like a switch but a necessity to prevent further ill logic frm spreading

logic is obviously a significant matter to robo

standard kindness

#hatohara robato #knb #kuroko tetsuya #rxl

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ttransthirteen · 7 years

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okay here we go! for sol: 8, 35, 19; for hernandez: 45, 5, 13; for jericho: 3,17, 24; for nikola: 40, 43, 50; for nix, 9, 22, 29, for scott: 3, 36, 27; for hero: 34, 18, 6; for lynx: 10, 26, 44!! sorry if that's too many!!

anon i have no idea how you know all these characters enough to send me specific ones for their names, but i want you to know this is the best thing that has happened to me in weeks and you are the absolute light of my life. if you believe in a higher power i wish you blessings and happiness for years to come.

here we go!! (also this is so long im sorry, I tried to sort them if anybody is actually curious about any of them)

Sol-

8. did they have pets as a child? as an adult? do they like animals?

Dani Solis, or just Sol to her coworkers, is a mechanic who never quite understood living things. she grew up in outer space and never really had the opportunity to have a pet, although the constant traveling meant she got to see a ridiculous variety of life. When she was a little girl, she would sometimes find a cockroach or other bug on the ship and catch it, keeping it and feeding it until it died. it was never a very satisfying experience, probably adding to her obsession with immortal machines.

35. whats their guilty pleasure? what is their totally unguilty pleasure?

I’d call Eric her guilty pleasure. they would have ended up together if I hadn’t killed him off mid-breakdown. Most people live on a planet, but she doesn’t have one, so to her any sort of truly meaningful human connection is dangerous and off-limits. but she loves him deeply, although it scares her. Unguilty, I’d say shes kind of a hoarder. her bunk is full of knick-knacks from every corner of the explored universe. she spends pretty much her entire salary on it tbh

19. whats their least favorite genres?

if this is about literature, she thinks fantasy is stupid. if it’s music, she loves rap and techno but has never really been able to tolerate slow guitar pieces about how beautiful planet life is. think space-age country.

Hernandez-

45. How do other people see them? Is it similar to how they see themselves?

this is a big one for him. Captain Eric Hernandez is a trans man, so for a lot of his life yeah there was a massive difference. but after he transitioned, I would say the main difference would be that the people around him see him as cold, kind of scary. he’s not scary, he’s scared. he sees himself as small and weak, even after he straight up murdered his abuser and took his place as captain. His friends would say he is the strongest, bravest man they’ve ever known. They would be right.

5. Do they have any siblings? What’s their names? What is their relationship with them? Has their relationship changed since they were kids to adults?

He has two sisters and two brothers, I don’t know any of their names. He was very close with all of them and misses them every day. Since he ran away to avoid having to pretend to be a woman his whole life, and then murdered a guy, contacting any of them would have been massively dangerous. He couldn’t even tell any of them he was leaving because he wasn’t out to them. In the version of his story where he’s executed, they all get letters from Sol explaining everything. In the version where he lives, he sends the letters himself.

13. What is their least favorite food?

fish was never available to him as a kid, and he never acquired the taste.

Jericho-

3. Did they have a good childhood? What are fond memories they have of it? What’s a bad memory?

this isnt something i get to say about my ocs a lot, but he did. he had a lovely childhood. he grew up with a loving father in a huge, beautiful city where he was free to explore and learn to his hearts content. he has especially fond memories of wandering around the actual ground of the city where basically nobody ever goes, looking at bugs and mold and plants with his little junior scientist magnifying glass, looking them up on his computer-band. the worst ones were probably nights where his dad had to work and he was lonely in their apartment, bc those were the nights he wondered about his mom.

17. Do they like to take photos? What do they like to take photos of? Selfies? What do they do with their photos?

He’ll take photographs of cool specimen, but mostly he carries a journal and prefers to take notes. he takes notes on absolutely everything and has boxes and boxes of old notebooks in his closet at home.

24. What is their sleeping pattern like? Do they snore? What do they like to sleep on? A soft or hard mattress?

my boy jericho has very little trouble sleeping and is fine with the govt issues firm mattress. he is quiet and still and sleeps deeply.

Ok! switching universes! these characters are completely disconnected from those three.

Nikola Tchaikova-

40. Do they like energy drinks? Coffee? Sugary food? Or can they naturally stay awake and alert?

I’m not sure she’s ever even tried it. Nikola is a full blown alcoholic and anything that makes her feel more alert is probably not something she’s gonna enjoy. Her natural senses and awareness are absolutely through the roof, so it’s not something she really needs at all. She does like sweets though. Back when she had her family, her and her close companions use to sneak away sometimes and go out to the city for milkshakes and music, and those are probably her fondest memories.

43. Are they religious? What do they think of religion? What do they think of religious people? What do they think of non religious people?

When she was a very young girl she might have worshipped the christian/jewish/muslim god, or at least attempted to. For a young shifter where she grew up, life was rough, and she would have had a hard time finding the meaning in it all. but later in life, after the war, the major religion worshipped shifters and obviously that was ridiculous to her, so she kind of looks down on the whole thing. She might still be a little envious of the purpose and comfort that the worshippers get and that is missing so much from her life, but one of the main gods in their pantheon is based on her kid brother’s best friend. its hard to take that seriously. (the idea is that there were 5 original all powerful shifters who made the real world ones. this is wrong. shifters were a science experiment gotten out of control, and Nikola knows that.)

50. If they could only take one bag of stuff somewhere with them: what would they pack? What do they consider their essentials?

She would pack her knife, which her long dead brother gave her about 1500 years ago. she would take the pendant she wears, which was symbolic of the leadership position she used to hold before the people she was leading were all killed. She has a photo collection that she says never looks at out of fear of the light ruining them. Her best friend made her some copies, but she doesn’t look at those either. I think it hurts her to see the faces of the people she misses. She has a small bag of things tucked into the back of her closet that she never, ever touches or looks at. After the massacre that took her family, Angelo (the only survivor, her best friend) went through the carnage and collected the possessions of their friends. Nikola helped him bury them, but she couldn’t stand to take their things. he gave them to her afterwards, and she’s only every managed to take them out and look at them when she’s so drunk she knows she won’t remember the next day. But she would never leave them behind.

Nix-

9. Do animals like them? Do they get on well with animals?

Domenico “Nix” Tchaikova is Nikola’s son, so half-shifter. Shifters are, by necessity, a bit closer to nature than the rest of us, and even though he has almost no actual form changing abilities animals have always seemed to like him a bit more than his friends. He’s always assumed that it’s because of his prosthetic leg, that they realize he couldn’t chase them if he wanted to, but animals know things, and they can sense that he’s not quite the same as the other humans.

22. What are their favorite insults to use? What do they insult people for? Or do they prefer to bitch behind someone’s back?

Nix would never insult someone behind their back- he has a temper, and if you piss him off he’s gonna confront you on the spot. His insults tend not to be physical. he might call you ugly if hes real mad, but hes much more likely to call you a coward or an idiot. He gets hit a lot for this.

29. What do they do when they find out someone else’s fear? Do they tease them? Or get very over protective?

No, he’d never tease someone for being genuinely afraid. He knows fear too well to try and use it against people. If somebody he cared about was afraid of something, he would plant his tiny self between them and whatever it was no matter what. hes used to being seen as small and weak and incapable, and its resulted in a stupidly brave boy who gets himself into trouble a lot because he doesnt know when to back down.

Scott-

3. Did they have a good childhood? What are fond memories they have of it? What’s a bad memory?

My boy!!! This is another one of Nikola’s children, one of the triplets. if you just read her thing, you can probably guess that she wouldn’t be a very good mother. Angelo, his father, was always loving and supportive, but both of his parents were just sad people who weren’t really prepared to raise three children. They grew up in the century before the war broke out, in a political climate that feared and hated them, among countless news stories of people like them being murdered and hunted. but Nikola still managed to give them a reasonably normal childhood. She found a place to settle down, near enough to a city that they could socialize and explore but far enough away they they grew up in the woods and could explore their natural abilities without being hunted down by hate groups.

He has a lot of good memories! pretty much all of them are him doing dumb shit with his siblings. they used to use their shifting to break into concerts or fly up to the roofs of tall buildings.

As for bad ones. definitely most of his bad memories are on Nikola’s head. He was the shifter equivalent of about eight years old when he saw her kill somebody for the first time. she didn’t know he was there, but im not sure if knowing would have changed anything. she’s been on a very long, very complicated vengeance quest since before he was born. She had tracked somebody down, and he watched while she slowly cornered him. You could practically smell the terror coming off the man as she drew her blade, moving towards him as she spoke. He had never heard her talk about the deaths of her family before, and as she told her prey all about how she had come home to find her kid brother on the floor with his throat slit open, there was something in her voice that he would never forget for the rest of his life. then he watched his mother put a knife through the bottom of the man’s jaw into his brain. he saw the light go out of his eyes, and he saw the absolute emptiness in his mother’s when she turned around. He ran as fast as he could back to his siblings and cried, but never told them what he saw.

36. What are they good at? What hobbies do they like? Can they sing?

He can sing!!! he has a voice like an angel and he loves to use it. he plays about twenty instruments- hes had a long time to learn- and he always carries at least one on him. he can use weaponry and is good at it, but doesnt enjoy it.

27. What makes them sad? Do they cry regularly? Do they cry openly or hide it? What are they like they are sad?

He doesn’t cry often. He doesn’t care if his siblings see him cry- theyre all so close its like crying in private- but with other people he doesnt like it. He just gets quiet when he’s sad. He’s not the moodiest of his siblings(that title goes to Lynx) but they all inherited something from their parents that makes them quiet, serious people on the whole. He feels deeply and thinks about things. Hes bisexual. I know that doesn’t go here but its important. He cried after he slept with a man for the first time, not because he was upset with himself about the gay thing but because he’d let himself fall for a human. The boy’s name was Jacob, and he didn’t understand but tried to comfort him anyways because he cared about Scott. They dated for a while, but Scott couldn’t handle knowing he would age and die so quickly and broke it off. Jacob was 43 when he was killed in a bombing during the war. Funerals had stopped happening at that time, people unable to keep up with all the dead. But there were still graves, and Scott visited Jacob’s for years afterwards.

Hero-

34. What is their body type? How tall are they? Do they like their body?

She looks a lot like her mom. about 5′7, muscular, strong features. She got her dads eyes though, the only one of her siblings to have them. Scott and Lynx and Nix all have Nikki’s distinctive golden-ringed brown. She likes her body fine, its a good and strong body. she likes that shes not the shortest of her siblings(lynx is tied and nix is smaller) but other than that she doesnt really care.

18. What’s their favourite genre of: books, music, tv shows, films, video games and anything else

She was never much of a reader, and the only tv she ever got to see was when there was one on in a restaurant. She did enjoy films though, and her favorites were action. She got a certain something from Nikola that neither Scott or Lynx has, something kind of cold and fierce. Whatever it was that Scott saw in his mom’s eyes when she killed that man, exists in Hero too. Nix too, but less so. She would have liked video games a lot if she’d ever had the chance to really get into them.

6. What were they like at school? Did they enjoy it? Did they finish? What level of higher education did they reach? What subjects did they enjoy? Which did they hate?

She never went to school. Her father taught her to read and write, as well as everything he thought she needed to know about the world. She spent her childhood wandering with her siblings, and most things she needed to know she got from that. All three of them had been planning on going to college, but the war came before they got the chance. But I think if she’d gotten the chance she would have had an interest in something technical. Engineering or architecture maybe.

Lynx-

10. Do they like children? Do children like them? Do they have or want any children? What would they be like as a parent? Or as a godparent/babysitter/ect?

God I love Lynx. He would never, ever become a parent, but I think he would be a good one. Out of all of her children, Lynx inherited the most of Nikola’s sadness. In non dramatic terms she gave him her tendencies towards mental illness and its something hes struggled with his whole life. His siblings are a wonderful support system but he knows that any child of his would struggle like he has, and he has so many unhappy memories of Nikola’s misery that he would be too afraid. But children do like him, and he likes them. He’s a fun, playful person when he’s feeling good, and is absolutely delighted to discover he has a little brother. obviously hes got the same terror of losing him, but he has pushed those feelings tf down. he just wants to enjoy their relationship while he can. hes a wonderful, sweet, caring boy whos full of love and good times, but too scared of himself to ever be a parent.

26. How do they act when they’re happy? Do they sing? Dance? Hum? Or do they hide their emotions?

When he’s happy, everybody knows it. He is an absolute delight. he does dance, actually. when hes happy he does it more but also its just a thing hes good at and loves to do. humans who see it know theres something not quite natural about the way he moves, and hes beautiful to watch when hes using it to express joy. He has bright eyes and a smile that makes you feel like you are safe and loved and that everything in the entire world is gonna be ok.

44. What is their favorite season? Type of weather? Are they good in the cold or the heat? What weather do they complain in the most?

He loves any time of the year where it’s warm enough to wear skirts and loose, light shirts. The wintertime makes his depression worse, and a lot of years he and his siblings will head south to avoid it. but he loves warm breezes and cool nights by a fire, loves seeing the flowers in the spring and all the new baby animals. he isn’t at all a complainer, but when the weather is affecting him badly it’s easy to tell. he gets quiet, which is not something he is a lot.

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fiveshots-nokills · 7 years

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i’m in such a weird place right now?? i can’t decide whether my life is going well or poorly

like my therapist basically Confirmed that i have ADHD last night which is something i already lowkey knew but i’m glad she made it official so no one can tell me im a faker or w/e and she also said that my anxiety is part of that so rather than having like an actual anxiety disorder it’s just cuz my ADHD is overwhelming so that’s a bit of relief?? i’m not as fucked up as i thought lmao

but then like... my stepdad is such a pain in the ass and I can’t be in the same room as him for more than five minutes without us arguing about something because we’re polar opposites and it makes me sad bc i can tell that it stresses my mom out a lot that we don’t get along but like??? at this point it’s pretty much impossible for us to get along bc we have opposite beliefs and we’re both hella stubborn so neither of us are ever going to concede anything and i hate that my mom feels torn between agreeing w/ and protecting me, her daughter, and supporting her husband even if her husband is a dickbag just saying

Plus even though my grades are getting better they’re still honestly not that great? and as hard as i try i can’t seem to make any major improvements which is not fun

and then like prom is coming up and i’m excited about that so that’s good at least, and i have really great friends who i love and care about and i can tell them anything and i know i’m really lucky to have that

but the other thing my therapist and i worked out last night was that i am like incapable of getting a good night’s sleep which is why i’m tired 24/7 even when i go to sleep early (like i’ve tried going to bed at nine and getting 10+ hours of sleep and yet i still!! feel tired!! when i wake up) and i’m not really sure what i’m going to do about that i guess i could like start taking melatonin but i also don’t want to self-medicate but yeah insomnia fucking sucks but what else is new

exams are coming up too and i was supposed to read a book for my english final project but i didn’t even buy the book yet and i have no idea what’s going on in math and my science class is exhausting because it’s project-heavy and there’s never a break and i don’t think i’ve learned a single thing in my french class this year so i’ve no clue what i’m going to do about my finals and even though they’re like two months away i can’t help but stress over them and just ughghg my mind is a fucking mess

i’m glad i don’t have anxiety but like between ADHD making me think about everything and depression making me not want to think about anything and insomnia not letting me get enough sleep i feel like shit

i know this post seems really negative but i actually have a bunch of good and exciting things going on in my life right now (like prom, this weekend i’m getting CPR certified, i’ve made a lot of really good friends through overworst, i’m taking vocal lessons, i’m reading and writing for fun a lot more than i used to) but i can hardly even recognize those things

i’m also like. completely dependent on my therapist and our weekly meetings which probably isn’t super healthy and i have no idea how i’m going to cope when i got away to college but that is a problem for another day

i just want a good night’s sleep and i want to not constantly be at odds with someone i live with and i want my mom to not be stressed out and i want to have decent grades. like not even spectacular just a B in everything would be fine god is that so much to ask

god and another thing with my stepdad is that he’s super religious and i’m just... not because i’ve lost pretty much all faith in the catholic church ever being good when the head priest at my church started giving weekly speeches about how abortion was wrong and bad and that we need to support our “confused” LGBT youth to guide them back to the “path of christ” and anyway for those of you who don’t know it’s lent rn and you’re supposed to do good or give something up and i was basically like fuck it and he keeps giving me shit about it like ??? it’s not your fucking problem what i do with my life im just so bitter god

and on top of that (though this is a pretty small problem in comparison to the rest of this tbh) my basketball team got a shitty seed in the NCAA tournament and it’s just like. can i just have one good and exciting thing in my life? no? okay cool thanks @ god

at least i have good music and video games and friends i guess

i’m sorry i’m all over the place this post is a disorganized mess

my therapist told me about this cool exercise though where basically you imagine a “special place” where you feel completely relaxed and safe and i have this pretty cabin in the woods with a cat and books and my games and my best friends and its just... it’s a nice place to pretend to be to cope so that’s nice i guess although idk how healthy it is to constantly live in your imagination

okay yeah i’m gonna stop now bc if i don’t this post will literally go on forever

#ignore this i just needed to get some thoughts out and it's a lot of negativity but you don't need to worry about me i'm fine really #i'm not posting this because i want attention i just... i need to put this somewhere

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scriptautistic · 7 years

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hello! this is... kind of a silly question tbh. but. what does it *feel like* to be (hyper)empathetic? like are there physical symptoms when you... catch stuff (?) from other people? do sad feelings from seeing someone else cry feel different from feeling sad in general? does it hurt & if so, how? i don't experience empathy at all bc brainwierd but have a couple autistic characters who range between moderately & hyper empathetic and im *constantly* second guessing their reactions to things...

and this didn’t fit in the last ask but thank you very much for putting the time & effort into this blog !

And thank you for reading!

We’ll be doing an empathy masterpost soon. For now, as a hyperempathetic person, I’ll try to give a brief answer (and fail, because I’m incapable of being brief, apparently).

I am so sensitive to the emotional states of others that it often eclipses my own emotions (and I’m often unable to identify how I actually feel). It can be debilitating, though it can also be very pleasant, depending on the situation. Here are a few examples of real-life implications:

When I see someone upset, I can’t comfort them. It’s too overwhelming. To even look at them makes me feel overcome with whatever sad emotions I imagine they’re experiencing. (And this is important: I’m not psychic. I am reacting to my *perception* of how they feel - and due to my sensitivity, I know that I tend to overestimate the severity of other peoples’ feelings, which causes me to feel more strongly than I probably should.)

I can’t comprehend teasing, bullying, or any kind of hurting another person intentionally. If I called someone a name I knew would upset them, I would hurt myself even more than I’d hurt them. The idea that someone would feel strong by putting down someone else is completely foreign to me. This also prevents me from understanding why anyone would tease or bully me.

I can’t watch a sad scene in a film or hear sad music without crying. I can’t talk about my feelings without crying. I can’t talk about anything emotional without crying. This can be very embarrassing. For example, I might be trying to tell the parents of one of my students that they really worked hard that day and I could see how proud they felt about their success– and whoops, I’m crying again. I actually have anxiety about watching films with other people, because there is always at least one moment at the climax of the film where emotional music plays, and–yep, you guessed it. Crying.

When I see children playing happily, the world can melt away. When they get excited over some mundane thing in the world, I get excited, too. I turn into an excited little kid all over again.

I can’t get angry at my students, even if they’re behaving atrociously. If I make them feel bad - well, you get the idea.

I wind up a very easy target for abusers and have, unfortunately, been in several emotionally abusive relationships. They don’t have to threaten me. I can’t break up with someone, because I’ll hurt them. I’m not afraid of what they’ll do to me - I’m afraid of how bad I’ll make them feel. All they have to threaten me with to control me is “but I’ll be so sad” and I’m defeated. (It takes the support of many friends to get out of a situation like this.)

I tend to reflect people’s personalities back at them. In a way, I become like the person around me I identify with the most. My accent changes quickly when I’m talking to someone, matching theirs (a problem when I’m teaching English to non-native speakers). My mannerisms change. If I watch a film or read a book, I act like the characters for a while afterwards. My speech patterns, movements, energy levels, even my sense of humor changes to that of the character. This has the advantage of making me a good actor, and of helping me “blend in” and “pass” so people don’t realize I’m autistic (which can be advantageous at times), but it can also be very confusing. It’s easy to lose track of who I actually am.

I tend to prefer suffering or letting myself be hurt to allowing others to be hurt, because my perception of their pain is actually worse than my own real pain would be.

Watching horror movies is inconceivable. However, watching inspirational movies fills me with so much ambition that I go a little nuts for a while after, filled with energy and making big plans to change my whole life (which last until the next time I see someone feeling unhappy).

I sometimes actually feel the physical pain I imagine others are experiencing. This isn’t something my body does, but something my brain does. It perceives physical suffering and then I feel it - or, I feel what I imagine they feel, which is probably much worse than what they actually feel. I can’t tolerate even the slightest amount of gore or violence.

That ought to be more than enough for a start. Again, watch for a masterpost in the near future, where we’ll go into more detail about empathy in autistic people (and include a lot of the excellent feedback we got from all you guys in our informal survey the other day).

-Mod Aira

For me, hyperempathy presents itself quite differently to Mod Aira’s.

I have trouble understanding my emotions in general (this is called alexythymia), and as I like to describe it, i’m a kind of “emotional sponge”. Some also talk of emotional contagion. Which means that when i perceive that someone feels something, I will feel it too, except most of the time I can’t differenciate between my own emotions and those i’ve “caught” from others. So all of a sudden I’ll be feeling very bad and won’t know why, and it’s actually because I think someone around me is in a bad mood.

Seeing someone cry makes me cry. Seeing a sad movie - or any movie with some kind of emotional scene - makes me cry. Feeling something a bit intense makes me cry. I spend half my life crying. I don’t care. I can watch movies with people and they can see me cry.

I don’t feel others’ pain as intensely as Aira does, and I am usually able to take myself out of a bad situation even though i strongly prefer not to hurt anyone. I can see the long-term benefits for me to do so in some situations.

I don’t feel people’s physical pain.

Horror movies are awful to watch but i like it somehow.

I wouldn’t say i feel people’s pain more strongly than my own, it’s about the same or more…vague somehow?

So I think we can say there are several degrees of hyperempathy, and it can feel more or less intense depending on the person.

-Mod Cat

#ask #mod aira #sensory processing #hyperempathy #mod cat

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