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olderthannetfic · 1 day

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hi, as someone who is tragically gen Z and only ever read AO3, can I ask: what was so great about LiveJournal? Like, I know that there were fics posted there (and I've even read about the "purge", so I get why it isn't used anymore) and that it was sort of a forum-type thing. But what I don't understand, wouldn't Tumblr fill in the latter function? How was that site any different? I see a lot of people reminiscing about it and I'm confused

A big factor in LJ's greatness is timing and nostalgia.

It was genuinely great, but it wasn't quite as great as all of the Lo, shall the Golden Age ne'er come again? posts suggest.

LJ arrived at a pivotal time in the development of the internet both in terms of technical stuff and how many people had access. Many fans who are now in their thirties to fifties first discovered fandom through LJ and many were at a time in their lives when they were feeling energetic and up to making lots of new friends—and to figuring out how to make a site work for them.

I got on LJ in 2002 when it required invites. Fandom arrived in droves in 2003, first via coordinated campaigns to get invites to key people and then when LJ opened up free account creation to everyone. Back then, LJ's features sucked. It was impossible to search properly, among other things. At its height (2005-7, let's say), there was a reasonable site search, and fans had developed all sorts of community resources for finding each other.

People often remember this phase but not the early days of suckitude.

This development parallels how Tumblr used to not have that private chat feature and how a lot of fuckyeah[whatever] type tumblrs have helped curate the site and make it much more usable for fans. Fandom draining away from LJ after strikethrough also parallels people draining away from Tumblr after the purge.

There are people who talk about Tumblr the way my cohort talks about LJ...

And to the shock of no one, they are people who came of age on Tumblr, who found fandom via Tumblr, who were on Tumblr during pivotal times in their lives and ones when they had energy to make friends and figure out how a site worked.

Those same Tumblrites are now making all the same geriatric-sounding posts we LJers do about how other sites lack the required features to be good for fandom while missing that 90% of tumblr's "features" at its height (2012-2016, let's say) were actually fan-created and were basically the same as any fandom newsletter or links page or all the versions of this kind of personal curation stretching back to long before the internet existed.

What life phase you hit a site at matters.

With all of that said, no, LJ was not a forum. It was a blogging site with threaded comments.

The key point to understand is that conversation was always happening in a specific person's space. Unlike on a true forum, people were in the comments on a particular post in a journal owned by another fan. (On a forum, there's the first post in a thread, but it's still more of a communal space with less of a hierarchy.)

Overall, the LJ format can have a feeling a bit like you're over at someone's house for tea. There's more of a sense of intimacy and also behaving yourself in front of community members.

Tumblr being obscure and impossible to find anything in does give it some of the same vibe relative to Twitter, but it's still part of modern social media that tries to shove every rando into the face of every other rando.

But it wasn't just vibes: LJ also had robust privacy features where you could lock a post to this or that group of friends. You could moderate your comments section properly. Tumblr has far fewer controls to force people to behave or leave on a technical level.

The biggest thing many people miss about LJ is the threaded comments. At least by late LJ and on Dreamwidth, you can expand and collapse threads, making it far easier to deal with a massive comments section. But more than that, things are properly threaded with multiple levels of hierarchy that are all easily visible in the same place.

On Tumblr, it used to be extremely difficult to find all of the actual commentary on a post. Nowadays, it's far easier, but you still have to scroll chronologically, and multiple versions of a post with a long chain of commentary may be much more divorced from each other than what would happen in a LJ comments section.

But could we use Tumblr pretty much how we used LJ?

We could.

I do.

The key things that people tend to miss about LJ, aside from the younger and more excited version of themselves or the friends they've lost since then, are:

Heavily text-based

It may sound odd on the modern internet, but there are a lot of people whose brains don't like or handle an image-heavy site well. They were everywhere in SF book fandom. They were everywhere on the early internet. Today, they're hanging out on Dreamwidth and still going to their SF cons. They're usually not on Tumblr.

You could follow the discussion

Threaded comments help, but a lot of it is about having some place you can check for updates. It wasn't actually that easy to follow big LJ discussions unless you were subscribed to comments and reading along as things were happening instead of coming along after the entire mass of comments had been left.

The tone of the discussion is intellectual and one's enemies are "idiots", not "problematic"

All this requires is a penchant for longwindedness and an itchy blocking finger to remove anyone slinging ad hominems from the comments section.

On tumblr, it's as simple as conversations happening in the replies on a popular account and that person not tolerating suibaiting and threats.

(And make no mistake, a lot of LJ discussion was in the comments on popular accounts, not spread equally between everyone's.)

It does require that multiple people like that tone and want to engage in that way, but lots of people do want to.

These days, I interact with tumblr by checking my askbox and reading my activity page. The vast, vast majority of my posts are ones where I'm the OP, so if I block someone, they're booted from the discussion entirely.

For me... yeah, Tumblr functions almost exactly like LJ.

Also like LJ, while I'm hosting the conversation, if you hang around, you'll see the same people again and again in the comments. They may or may not also host that kind of conversation in their space, and there's a larger pool of lurkers who have some notion of which people count as regulars. Other people are watching from the shadows, enjoying or deriding the takes of the usual crowd.

People presumably do like reading my lengthy commentary or they wouldn't be here, but my tumblr wouldn't be popular like this without a healthy pool of other people who chime in regularly. It's not just that there are more people: it's that you see the same people over time. There's a bit more sense of place and community than on some parts of the internet.

So, in my opinion, the failure to just recreate LJ fandom on Tumblr was a skill issue.

Threaded comments were great, but LJ culture came from mailing lists, and mailing lists had the same issue as tumblr with the diverging threads.

We solved that back then by clipping out only the parts we wanted to respond to (you'd write "snip" around the quotation to show it was incomplete). We solved the smaller LJ issue by linking to other posts we were referencing and doing discussion link roundups. We solve it on tumblr by, again, linking to what we're talking about and even quoting multiple reblog chains in our own reblog of just one chain.

Tumblr's technical features and even general crap-ness aren't really the problem. 90s and early 00s sites regularly went down for periods of time unthinkable today.

The missing piece is people.

When one is in an active fandom with others who curate or with friends who let one know what's up, a site with imperfect features is easy to figure out and retrofit for fandom's needs. When one already feels out of touch and is between fannish passions—or at least fannish passions anyone else cares about—seeing the potential in a new site is hard.

Threaded comments are different and better.

LJ's built-in way to see everyone's blog in your own style was better. The automatic timestamps and the ease of seeing a paginated archive of an entire blog was better than tumblr's endless scroll and lack of clear date labeling. But some of that can be fixed with xkit or knowing your way around tumblr well.

A lot of it is nostalgia for the lj era and a refusal to take the time to figure out how to use tumblr in an oldschool internet way.

So by all means, people, weigh in about what made LJ great or how the culture felt at the time...

But if I see one more god damn response going "You can't have a conversation on tumblr!" in reply to my tumblr, which contains nothing but conversation, I am coming for you.

#fandom history #fandom meta

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catsvrsdogscatswin · 3 days

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I started reading Discworld earlier this year –because I figured it's a cultural treasure and I may as well get around to it by now– and like, I knew something about Terry's ability to sneak underhanded puns into the texts –I've seen the posts. I'd also read Good Omens, even if at that point I couldn't disentangle who was writing what.

So I entered the books fully like the Stay back, slut meme, except regarding wordplay. I was reading with a fine-toothed comb. I was squinting at every name and testing every phoneme. Not necessarily because I don't like puns or didn't enjoy the idea of getting caught by surprise, mind you, just that I'd heard very good things about Terry Prachett's humor and I didn't want to miss any of his jokes and with wordplay stuff if you don't catch it, you'll never know it existed.

I caught a lot of stuff, and even when I didn't get some of the references (the series stretches across a lot of decades I wasn't born in) I could still at least tell when he was making them. I made it out of my grand read with a pat on the back and a certain pleasure in the knowledge that I had enough pop-culture and etymological awareness to not let Terry pull a fast one on me.

In classic Pratchett fashion, turns out I was dead wrong.

I was rereading Soul Music, because even if I'm late to the party I still enjoyed the Discworld books immensely, and I got to the scene where a bunch of schmucks with no music knowledge (or talent) are infected by the spirit of rock n' roll and descend in a horde upon a guitar shop. The owner starts off trying to sell them decent instruments, but, soon realizing his new flow of customers couldn't play a triangle and are more interested in the look of the thing anyways, he promptly starts pulling out his scrappiest, crappiest pseudo-instruments (Ankh-Morpok, amiright) and sticking a bunch of paint, glitter, and ankh-stones on them for the look of things before selling them at marked-up prices.

Ankh-stones were first mentioned in Sourcery, I think, and were used in the creation of the fake Archchancellor's hat. They get mentioned in other books on and off as a source of bedazzlement that's pretty clearly meant to be a riff on rhinestones. First time I read about them, I went "oh what a nice little bit of worldbuilding, of course some gems would get named after local stuff" and thought no more on it. But like…

Ankh-stones.

Rhinestones. Rhine-stones.

The infamously nasty River Ankh that flows(?) through Ankh-Morpok, and the River Rhine, a real river that exists.

I just about swore and hit the table when I clocked that one, because I went into the series ready for it, I was looking for it, and Terry still fuckin' got me good.

#Terry Pratchett #Soul Music #Discworld #GNU Terry Pratchett

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drdemonprince · 60 minutes

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i was on NPR talking about Autism shit two weeks ago, and i have the book sales figures from that week and that national media appearance had.... absolutely zero relationship to sales. on the typical week these days, 1,400 to 1,500 copies of Unmasking Autism will sell. The week that I was on NPR there was a slight dip; only about 1,300 books were sold.

i have done a lot of press for my books. For Laziness Does Not Exist I did easily a 100 damn podcasts and radio shows and newspapers and excerpts in magazines. none of it corresponded to a noticeable bump in sales. the biggest "get" my publicist found for my latest book was the Glennon Doyle show, a booking she and her team celebrated and then spent months clamboring excitedly for... it, too, had no obvious relationship to sales.

Unmasking Autism became a bestseller because some other guy made a tiktok about it, and then a bunch of tiktokkers made videos about it too. all on their own. without any prodding from me, or any relationship to me. it was completely organic, passionate, and sincere, and rooted in the book's true merits and usefulness to other people, and that's why it inspired lots of sales. and continues to more than a year and a half later. all the press I did for Unmasking Autism prior to the release of that tiktok did relatively far less. NPR, Goop, the LA Times, Lit Hub, Jacobin, Huffpo, the New York Times, the Financial Times, MSNBC, Business Insider. Didn't matter. at least not much. so why do i bother?

publishers really ride your ass trying to make you give lots of interviews and show up for lots of events but it's all based on the worship of traditional media and magical thinking that it will somehow convert listeners into buyers. and that's just not how it works. the truth is 95% of books never sell more than 5,000 copies, and most people don't buy books or read them. i love reading but i dont think this is itself some terrible loss, as most books are padded-out commodities made for sale more than a work of true artistic passion or scholarly merit, and sometimes listening to a 90 minute interview with an author tells you the bulk of what you need to know.

it's freeing to know that the effort i put into getting my books out into the world have almost zero relationship to the books' success. marketing just does not work. it's a relief. unmasking autism did fabulously because it's actually both good and useful. laziness has had a long life span because it speaks to real problems in people's lives and gives them a message they are desperate to hear. but no amount of thirsty ass online shilling will make somebody realize that and it's maddening to try. you just gotta focus on doing good work, work that you enjoy making or need to make and that you feel good about, let things flop if theyre gonna flop, and keep on living your life.

which is all good news because i really do hate a lot of these fucking interviews. how can i stomach being on npr or in the atlantic or whatever these days given how complicit nearly all major media outlets are in justifying this genocide. like who fuckin cares about them, who wants their approval. who needs it. it's of no value

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nightgoodomens · 2 days

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This is going to be long but here's my take on where they history began. Before they match their stories, David in one early interview said "I feel we knew each other even before BYT." Then they say BYT 2003. They change narratives constantly. They went from not knowing each other to just socially to we did know each other but just didn't work together before. We're sure of at least a massive crush on David's front. I think if it was just a crush and nothing more involved, DT would be less bitter about cool kids club and not even holding grudges to mention it 20 years later. "out of my league". Moving on. It's worse when you're already with someone and you have to pretend you don't know them. You can't publicly attand to reading and hang out sessions with them that they told you about. You can't say hey, I'm with this cool kid in cast. want to show yourself off with them and you can't. Want to be seen and feel included with them and can't. That stings more than just never getting the chance. Michael stayed on the front of his mind for years and years. We move on from crushes or brief hookups. He desperately wanted to score Hollywood back then when he was already a big deal in uk. He had just rented that LA apartment and booked a job, lost both, plus his agent because of GT. He stoped trying for Hollywood after Michael was back. The same Mr. i did GO because Michael was involved. Michael broke up with SS shortly after they filmed GO. SS claimed he suddenly wanted to "get back home". sure Michael adores wales but he said he never felt comfortable outside UK and not necessarily wales, He specifically mentioned that to David on his podacst. Go figure. Michael had moved to LA shortly before they did BYT. So nothing new happened for him to suddenly leave David and they both knew what they got themselves into. I think they just had a long distance situation, got back together couple of times over the years( we know of their visits. We know Michael did long theatre runs in UK and David booked jobs in HW) Just Enough to keep the relationship fresh and to not move on. I think the gap was probably too long before GO. Both had long and successive projests at separate contries and life generaly. Then GO happened. Both had to face all the feelings crashing back to them. Too scared to act accordingly on set cause of professionalism and the fear of how this might change things again. Michael back to NY probably a bit " tense" because of him and having a one night stand with AL and rest is history. Also with GT calling Birdie a drunken accident, I'd imagine the same thing for David and hence the synchronous pregnancy. Then press tour. With all the obvious eveidence out there, the dam finally bursts and they get back together, Now stronger than ever.

Very interesting take, anon! We share a lot of thoughts…

#NightGoodOmens talks PR

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hotchreid-cm · 9 hours

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Moment of Weakness (2) / Aaron Hotchner

(He's so pretty)

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x BAU!Reader

Summary: The aftermath to the incident in Hotch's office.

Warnings: Typical Criminal minds topics (bombings), rushed and not proofread. Not really a happy ending...

A/N: I wrote a part 2 since so many wonderful people asked. Not sure if I liked it and I got too carried away, oops!

(Read Part 1 Here)

After the incident in Hotch's office you weren't sure that you could face the man again. You felt like you only made his situation worse, which was never your intention.

You had just got caught up in the moment. You had had a crush on Hotch just after your third case with the team. It had taken a toll on you and Hotch offered to drive you home.

And when he parked outside, you just sat there, taking more of his time but he didn't care. He talked to you for what felt like ages, about the case, the team, Jack and Haley...and the crush steadily turned into a quiet pining.

You kept it to yourself of course. You never told anyone, and you obviously did a great job of hiding it because no one suspected a thing. Not even Hotch, which killed you but you'd never ruin a family like that.

You heard how he spoke of Haley and Jack that night over a year ago now and if anything, you were happy that he was happy. Until his confession in his office last night.

JJ pulls you out of your thoughts, "we've got a case. Two bombings in the last 24 hours. We're leaving in 10 minutes, we'll debrief on the jet."

You take the file from her and look it over before grabbing your go bag and heading for the jet.

You were the last but one on which made you frown, "where's Hotch?"

Rossi looked over to you, "personal day. He'll meet us there when he can."

You didn't hear much after that. Your thoughts racing with all sorts of possibilities and hoping none of it was because of you. The guilt sitting in your stomach like a stone.

By the time Hotch caught up to the team, you were all gathered in the precinct talking to Garcia.

Everyone paused the conversation to fill Hotch in. The thinking was a high school student getting revenge. There was at least one victim from every explosion linked to the same school. The others just got caught in the crossfire.

"If that's the case then we need to talk to the parents and close friends of the ones who died and see if anyone had a grudge against them", Hotch says.

"I'll go back to the Denvers and talk to them since I've only just left. They had a son die in the second explosion and the brother may know something. " You jump in straight after Hotch, eager to go back to the family you were trying to help through this.

He shakes his head, "no, you stay here with Reid and try and figure out where he might strike next. Prentiss and Morgan go to the Jason's. Rossi and I will go to the Denvers while JJ handles the media coverage."

Everyone springs into action but you step forward, "you're benching me?"

Hotch turns back to you sharply, "stay here and work the profile with Reid."

"I'm the one that should talk to the Denvers, I've already built rapport" your voice rising.

"Stay here at the station with Reid. That's an order." Hotch turns away and stalks out the office with everyone else giving you sympathetic looks on their way out.

You and Reid work the case. Rossi calls not long after they left saying the Denvers were on the way to a memorial service put on for families of the second explosion but they couldn't say whether anyone held a grudge against their son.

Then Morgan calls, "okay, Jessica Lambert said that Danny Denvers is the one that gets picked on the most at school."

You perk up, "wait, Danny? As in, Tommy Denvers brother who died in the explosion?"

"Yeah, and Jessica also said that Tommy would join in on the bullying so that he could fit in."

You look to Reid in horror, "I thought he was so withdrawn because his brother had just died, not because..."

Reid voices the conclusion you just came to, "Danny Denvers is our unsub."

You pull your phone out and dial Hotch on instinct.

"What?" He answers.

And you have to stop yourself from rolling your eyes, "the Denvers, you said they were going to a memorial service, was Danny going with them?"

"No, they said he wasn't feeling well. Why?"

"Danny Denvers is the unsub. He got bullied at school and even by his own brother, Tommy."

You hear the car spin around as Hotch says, "we'll go back to the house. Tell Morgan and Prentiss to head to the school. Stay at the station."

And he was gone before you could protest.

After telling Morgan where to go, you stare at the board in front of you.

Reid asks, "what's wrong?"

You shrug, "something doesn't feel right. If Danny wanted to blow up the school he could have just gone this morning. Instead he stayed back."

Reid scrunches his nose, "okay, so what's your point?"

You think back to your time at the Denver house and it clicks. You call Garcia, "hello Mr and Mrs Genius, how can I help you?"

"Garcia, the Denvers said they were going to a memorial service today. Can you tell me where it is?"

You hear the typing before she answers, "I just sent the address to your phone."

"Thanks", you say as you rush to grab car keys from the desk.

"Hotch said you had to stay at the station." Reid says, phone already in hand.

"I'm the closest and I'm not going to be benched because Hotch can't get his head out of his ass."

You race to the funeral home, stepping out of the car and scanning the area for any signs of the service amongst the gravestones.

Your phone vibrates in your pocket like its been doing the whole drive here. You answer to Hotch's booming voice, "do not go in without back up or bomb squad."

You shake your head despite him not being able to see, "bomb squad won't get here in time."

You keep scanning as he replies, "I mean it. Don't approach on your own. Danny profiles like a-"

You cut him off as your eyes land on the scene you were looking for, "a suicide bomber."

You see him with a crudely made vest and a trigger in hand as he screams at his parents.

You take off towards them, phone still to your ear as you say, "Hotch. I'm sorry." Hoping he can hear everything you really want to say.

You hang up and draw your gun as you dodge the people fleeing. You call out, "Danny! Remember me? Is it okay if we talk?"

"I don't want to talk to you. I want them to listen." His wild eyes looking to his parents.

"I know they never listened to you. I know they always put Tommy first, even when he was the one bullying you." You step closer to the Denvers, trying to draw his attention away from them.

Tears stream down his face, "I never did anything wrong! Tommy was the one going to parties and staying out past curfew and he was still the favourite!"

"So you decided to teach them all a lesson?"

He looks to you as sirens wail closer and closer, "well someone had to! No one was going to save me from them so I had to do it myself!"

You finally step in front of the Denvers blocking his view, "and I think you taught the lesson well. Now everyone knows."

You see Rossi and Hotch coming towards you as you gesture the Denvers to go towards them.

Danny watches his parents go with surprising calm as you say, "just give me the trigger so you can tell everyone your story."

With eyes still on his parents he mumbles, "they'll never get it."

You hear Hotch call your name as Danny takes his finger off the trigger.

You dive for cover, landing in the 6ft hole meant for the casket. You feel your body slam into the ground, losing consciousness before help arrives.

When you come to, it's mostly a blur. The hospital checked you over and after some arguing, they agreed to let you go as long as you got checked out back home.

The jet ride back was quiet and once it landed everyone went their separate ways. Except Hotch.

"I'd like to drive you home, if I may?" He asks.

You shake your head, "nah, I'm good. I can wait to hear the riot act on Monday."

Hotch places his hand on your forearm so gently you can barely feel it, "please?"

You stare at each other for a few moments until you finally agree.

Once you're on the road Hotch says, "what you did was reckless."

He says it with a soft voice which is somehow so much worse than if he just yelled at you.

You loved his voice, you loved the comfort he exudes even when he's angry but right now you wanted to be anywhere but here.

"Hotch, please..."

But he continues, "and while it was incredibly reckless, I have to say I owe you an apology."

Your mouth pops open as you turn to look at the man behind the wheel.

He sighs, "if I didn't have my head up my ass, I wouldn't have benched you and made you feel the need to run into danger on your own."

You feel heat rise to your cheeks, "you heard that, huh?"

Hotch shrugs, a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth, "Reid had already dialled my number when you said it."

Silence descends again until he parks up outside your apartment.

"I'm also sorry for the things I've said."

You stare out the window when you reply, "when?"

Hotch parrots your question with more confusion, "when?"

"Which time? You've been a dick to me ever since that night. It took the both of us to make that mistake. And the funny thing is you're not even angry at me, you're angry at yourself and you're taking it out on me and I don't deserve that."

"You're right, you don't. You deserve so much more. I realised that I could have lost you and...I'm not sure I'm ready to look into why that's terrified me so much. And I know I don't have a right to ask this but I would like it if you waited."

You study his profile, not quite understanding what he's going through but wanting to all the same.

He looks to you and the vulnerability you see laid bare in his eyes takes your breath away, "Me and haley are going through a divorce and a part of me will always love her. Things will be messy for a while but I'd like to take you to dinner...maybe when things calm down, if you'll let me?"

You're not really sure what to say. You've wanted Aaron Hotchner to ask you out for a long time. You've wanted him for even longer. But this isn't how you imagined that would go.

You knew things would be complicated with Haley and you knew he'd always love her in some way and it didn't bother you. But the timing of it all made you feel more like a consolation prize than someone he truly wants.

You reach your palm out until it makes contact with his cheek, you thumb stroking the dark circles underneath his eyes.

"I've been in love with you for a long time, Aaron Hotchner. And all I've ever wanted is for you to be happy. And those two things have been in conflict ever since."

His eyes take on a glassy tint as his hand covers your one on his face. He understands what you're saying but you say it anyway.

"I don't think I'm what you need to make that happen right now. And I don't know if I'll ever be that or if I can wait that long for you to figure it out."

You give Hotch a sad smile, dropping your hand and exiting the car. Each step further away from him, makes your chest ache. And you wonder if you'll always carry that ache wherever you go.

A/n: I guess I'm feeling angsty lately but hope you enjoyed all the same!!

#aaron hotchner #criminal minds #aaron hotchner x reader #aaron hotch fanfiction #aaron hotch hotchner #aaron hotch x reader #aaron hotchner x you #criminal minds fic #hotch x you

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gallifreyianrosearkytiorsusan · 2 days

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Nightmares

Past -.- Future

Author's note: More Husbandry with Imhoden.

Summary: Imhoden sees more of these Chaos Marines, and has to go to the medbay to get checked out. He really, really doesn't want to be here.

Warnings: Panic attack, or at least the beginning of one. Body horror? Death Guard Horrifying Looks, seeing the eldritch horror that is Chaos Marines, Seeing The Truth Behind the Warp Veil. Let me know if I need to add anything.

Tagged: @barn-anon, @bleedingichorhearts, @c-u-c-koo-4-40k, @egrets-not-regrets, @kit-williams

Tagged: @sleepyfan-blog, @whorety-k

Imhoden had been brought before the local Chaos Marine Chapter Master near where he had fallen. The acting chapter master is one of the Black Legion, which he still doesn't know which Legion that is, but he looks like a caricature of a Son of Horus, most of these Chaos Marines are horribly mutated and feel so wrong in his senses. Twisted, corrupted, sick, wrong, his senses of the Immaterium scream at him. He tries to keep his twitching to the minimum, not wanting to be thought of as Weak or as pray.

As it is, most of them seem to hold some level of contempt for him, even if they also seem to fear him at some level. But as a Psyker, and a son of The Red King, it was a familiar series of feelings and social issues from those of lesser understandings that he's had to suffer his entire life. He's a Son of the Sorcerer King of Prospero, this is merely a minor inconvenience that he can, must, and will rise above. He speaks to the Entity in charge that claims to be an Astartes and he's ordered to go to their medbay to be checked out by one of their Apothecary types.

He bristles, but knows that while he's in these creatures’ domain he has to follow the rules carefully. He's read about, been warned about Warp Predators and Fae creatures that may try to take on the faces of those he knows, or knows of. But to have them so badly take on the forms of his cousins makes his stomach roll as he tries to figure out what it is he can do to get out of the situation that he's in. Imhoden has noticed from when he's first tried to use his powers that Psykery is much, much more difficult, time, resource and energy consuming than it should be, so he needs to carefully conserve his resources and only use what he has available to him, which is severely limited, very, very carefully.

He's guided- and guarded on his way to the med bay. He's glad for his helmet to protect him because he stills as he sees, while the med bay is clean, sort of, the horrific and horrifying entities that fake, poorly, very, very poorly, at being Apothecaries has him slowly trying to edge away from the entrance of the med bay and from his 'guides' who are more likely his guards to keep him from trying to escape. One of the... 'chaos space marine' apothecary types comes over to him. They look almost normal, except they have multiple sets of eyes and curling horns, and look as if they are diseased, infected, and likely will cause him more harm than good being in their presence.

"Greetings," They gurgle at him with a voice like poisoned honey and the garggling of a thousand ill souls. "I am Brother Apothecary Hura of the Death Guard. What brings you in today?"

Imhoden tries not to shake and takes another small step back, or tries to as his 'guides' grab him and push him forward.

"We've got a new arrival," One of his 'guides' on the left says. "He was in the desert on his own for several days before we found him. He's a bit jumpy."

Hura nods, and smiles a little at him, his teeth yellowed and rotted and he can smell a disgusting, sweet fetid rot and decay. Imhoden tries not to gag or throw up, through his helmet, and it's filters are working over time he can smell this horrific thing.

"I see," Hura says with a nod, 'Come along then, Cousin, what name do you go by?"

Imhoden is not going to give this thing his name, at least not a part of his true name, such things hold power and weight. But to lie, which might get caught would also be an exceedingly poor idea. He has to come up with something and fast. Even though his eyes are watering and he's trying not to heave as the Chaos Marines guide him to a private room. Oh fuck no, he's not going to be trapped in a small room with that thing. As he passes by the main area of the medbay, seeing other rooms and treatment of other horrific creatures that almost strain his gaze and make him want to scream and run or destroy them all and claw his own eyes out.

He closes his eyes and takes a couple of deep breaths, trying not to get dizzy. Fuck the smell in here is almost horrifying bad as he tries to think, "Odi."

It's a childhood nickname that he had, long before he became an Aspirant of the illustrious legion of the Thousand sons.

"It's nice to meet you," Hura gurgles at him.

Imhoden spots the horrifying bug-like carapace as the other turns his back towards him and sees the massive, moth wings that are folded neatly against the other's armor. This place is a nightmare, and he really, really needs to find a way out before they decide to eat him, or worse, there are far worse things than death.

"I am in acceptable levels of health," Imhoden says, "And I have been drinking plenty of water and eating enough food, so I am injured and not in need of medical care."

"Are you an Apothecary?" Hura asks him with a gurgling croon.

"I have had first aid training," Imhoden replies honestly, "But I am not an Apothecary."

"Per the rules, all new arrivals need to be checked over by an Apothecary." Hura gurgles, looking at him closely, tilting his head at an impossible angle. "Would you prefer to be seen by a Loyalist Apothecary?"

"If I said yes, would I go to a Loyalist Apothecary or would they be brought... here...?" Imhoden says eyeing Hura tensely, the 'guides' on the other side of the door to the exam room he's in and trying to decide if attaching this entity and seeing if he can escape is a good, or exceptionally poor idea.

#warhammer 40k #space marine husbandry sentience #space marine husbandry #warhammer #adeptus astartes #oc: imhoden #thousand sons #thousand sons oc #poor unfortunate souls au

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enthusedbambi-jjba-au · 2 days

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Monster AU - Risotto Nero research notes

You weirdos really wanted me to try and study this guy. It’s… been interesting! Here’s what I have:

[

[A paper of notes about Risotto Nero. The paper has tape in various places.]

[On the left side:]

Risotto Nero

he/him (I think)

At least 6'5" by my estimate (I'm VERY short so hard to tell)

Leader of "La Squadra" (bunch of assassins. Every time I've tried to infiltrate, catboy catches (:3) on to me.) Human jaw strength is about 7.5 times a cat's. hospital.

Species : Sanguisuge ('vampire') - species unknown

has fangs (yes)

drinks blood (yes)

Non-undead (bleeds normal blood, so he must have been born like this).

Not P.C.S (Pop Culture Standard)—no weakness to garlic, can be in direct sunlight (though he seems to prefer not to be) and no weakness to religious affects despite being Catholic aligned—can tell he's Italian-born.

I know he drinks blood because I’ve seen him do it. seems to have keen senses. I’m sure this isn’t surprising but I can’t get close enough to tell if he’s warm- or cold-bodied. he could be a half-vampire. They’re usually more likely to be warm-bodied despite still having poor circulation. They often don’t have to drink blood, but the craving is stronger, especially if they don’t give in often. They also tend to drink more at one time than full vampires since they tend not to satiate themselves as regularly… he drinks a lot of blood when he does drink it.

[There's an illustration depicting one of Risotto's eyes. The 'whites' are black, and the irises are bright red, and the pupils—also black—appear slit, like a cat's.]

Eyes are black sclerae and pupils with very bright red irises—glowing, I think.

Stand: "Metallica"

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! A SANGUISUGE WITH A BLOOD-BASED STAND ABILITY??! ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING!? HOW DO I KNOW WHAT'S STAND AND WHAT'S SPECIES RELATED!?!?

Update: its not blood based so much as its iron based but he uses blood as a source of iron which still makes things complicated for me to figure out. range seems to be a 5-10m radiu [The writing trails off at the end. There's a lot of blood on the corner of the page.]

[On the right side:]

Maybe in his 20s? Short of directly asking, I don't think there's a way I can pinpoint for sure.*

[There's an unfinished rushed illustration of Risotto Nero.]

My memory isn't the best and he uses invisibility a lot so I can rarely see him long enough to draw him from observation...

Will he show up in a photo? I don't think cameras use silver anymore!!

[There’s a partially-ripped photo of Risotto Nero, in dark lighting, presumably in the process of using his Stand, taped to the page. There's blood splattered over the photo. Frantic writing at the bottom of the photo reads "I PICKEDA A BAD SPOT TO STAND IN"]

he does show up in photos!! thank god for camera zoom haha...

*Vampires are known for looking fairly young, due to abnormal physical aging tendencies. Turned vampires usually stop aging once Turned, since they’re undead. Born sanguisuges like this guy can vary—some hit a certain point where they just stop “getting older”, and some age very slowly once they hit puberty. I heard someone say that the slow aging owes to vampires’ typical poor circulation—what?? Do you know what aging is? Yes, vampires tend to have poor circulation if they have any circulation at all, but the poor circulation contributes mostly to cold skin (and infertility, I think) like it does in humans. And for the record, they don’t drink blood to compensate for a lack of blood in their own bodies because, in case you’ve forgotten, that’s not how bodies work. Blood consumption does not affect the consumer’s own blood in any significantly direct way. ]

Guess it must be lucky to be a sanguisuge whose job is offing people… he’s hard to get close to because I usually catch him when he’s uh. You know. Doing his job.

He still hasn’t realised I’ve been tailing him though! I… I think. Like with his age, short of asking him directly, I can’t really be sure, and as I’m sure is obvious, that’s not really a good idea.

if anyone has any questions or insight… go ahead?

I could use any info.

~Bambi

#golden wind #vento aureo #jjba #jjba fanart #monster au #jojo fanart #jojos bizarre adventure #jojo's bizarre adventure #jjba monster au #jojo au #jjba au #monster au lore #la squadra #risotto nero #enthused cryptotaxonomist moments

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kitcatia · 2 days

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There's something that really gets me about the enhanced tragedy of an AU where Arthur, Jack, Quincey, Lucy, Mina and Jonathan all are A functional and healthy polycule. The thought that they were perfectly happy and that everything would have worked out if Dracula hadn't interfered in their lives breaks my heart.

For clarification, this is my first time reading the book, but I got some spoilers (heard about certain movies and watched OSP's video months before I decided to join Dracula daily) and I keep imagining:

Given the fact that, at least so far, I perceive Lucy as the 'main poly' that connects her boyfriends and girlfriend; and despite the fact that Mina would also be poly and link Lucy to Jonathan, and even considering the possibility of some of the suitors dating amongst themselves…

The loss of Lucy would absolutely break the polycule. Sure, they'd be bloodshot and eager for revenge, but what comes next? I'd say that, even though they'd make all the effort to still be part of each others' lives, Lucy was the link that kept them all together. She was their reason to hang out and do things as a group and, without her, a lot of things they used to do together would simply not make sense anymore. I'm sure they'd manage to still be a great friend group, but everything would change so much, to the point that they barely can call themselves the same people that once composed such a happy and hopeful polycule.

(This is all a modern AU concept btw)

I love the idea of Mina struggling with her feelings because, see, she has known Jonathan since forever and she has loved him since they were kids. Jonathan is the best friend and best boyfriend any girl could have ever asked for.

But she's also known Lucy since forever and loves her very deeply. Their relationship is so intimate and so special. They love calling each other "my best friend". And yet… some lonely nights, when Mina rereads old messages where Lucy playfully joked that they are so overtly affectionate for one another that "someone that doesn't know them could easily suppose they are a couple", she can't help but wish that this hypothetical someone would be right in their supposition.

Both Lucy and Mina know themselves to be bi and have been out to each other for a while now, even though they are very secretive about the details of how they figured it out, since they were each others' awakenings and wouldn't want the other to know that.

Both of them would love to be together, but Mina also loves Jonathan and Lucy would never want to get in the way of such a lovely couple. Also, they're both terrified that a step too far could ruin the amazing friendship they already have.

Mina is also out as bi to Jonathan for sure. I like to think he'd get very emotional when Mina came out to him, because he knows, despite identifying as straight, how difficult this type of honesty can be.

Mina wishes there was a way to reconcile these feelings. She wishes that loving Lucy and loving Jonathan weren't mutually exclusive. And some night, after spending hours grading piles of tests, she just caved and decided to look up online resources on how she could possibly deal with a situation like hers.

After a lot of thorough research and a very long and sweet conversation with Lucy and Jonathan, the three of them come to the conclusion that there surely is a way for Mina to date both of them. Mina strikes me as the type of poly to have incredibly organized schedules and spreadsheets on how to reconcile her work life with spending time with her two partners. Lucy would start to figure out that she might be poly too and Jonathan, despite still being monoamorous, would be extremely supportive of his girlfriend and his metamour.

Eventually, Lucy starts getting along with Arthur and comes to the conclusion, after talking about it with Mina, that there is space for one more love in her life. Arthur takes some explaining as he struggles for a while to grasp the concept, but thankfully Mina still has the PowerPoint she made to explain it to Lucy and Jonathan. And it is a very comprehensive PowerPoint.

But then when Quincey and Jack come along, Lucy is a bit scared that this would be too much. Too much for her, for Arthur, for Mina, for Jonathan. Poor Jonathan! He will need to be briefed on so much when come back from his business trip!

When she sits down with her boyfriend and her two new friends, asking them very sweetly (I imagine Arthur holding her hand to give her courage) if they are familiar with the concept polyamory, Quincey's eyes widen and Jack blushes and looks down to fidget with his hands, as they are taken by surprise. Lucy's heart sinks all the way to her stomach. She knew she shouldn't have done this, that this was a dream too good to ever come true, that now she ruined her chances to have Jack and Quincey as good friends, that now they'll see her as a selfish weirdo. Arthur's grasp on her hand tightens, as if holding it more strongly would transfer some strength to Lucy.

But all of this tension quickly dissipates as Quincey's eyes go from surprised to delighted and Jack looks up smiling an awkward but ultimately happy smile. Arthur looks Lucy in the eyes and tells her he knew his friends wouldn't turn down the proposal of a girl as amazing as her.

Mina quickly receives a message and she is thrilled to hear she's getting not one, but three new metamours to befriend and with which to conspire about all the best ways to make Lucy happy.

She simply cannot wait to tell Jonathan about such exciting news! He really can't come back from his trip soon enough.

#dracula daily #dracula #dracula spoilers #re: dracula #creative writing #kitcatia has thoughts #lucy westenra #mina murray #jonathan harker #quincey morris #arthur holmwood #jack seward #For older dracula fans sorry if anyone feels out of character #I'm only starting to know these characters

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eustasskiddsprosthetic · 1 day

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"I trust you. I like you." — a potential fic based on this (x) Detailed notes on Sabo's design below!

For him, I initially thought of him as a shark of all things. I say that despite not knowing how to draw sharks uh. Here it is below.

I wanted him to be a big boy and have this immense size difference with Law. He's the tallest among the ASL trio and that meant he should be the biggest merman out of the three. He's not necessarily buffer but he just has a larger frame and a longer, more muscular tail.

I also wanted him to look like a freak, a huge figure with obscenely sharp teeth. I found images on Pinterest with sharks with scars that seemed to slice through their skin and I wanted to incorporate that throughout the design. A homage to Sabo's scarred eye, if you will.

He had horns too, for some reason. I just thought it looked cool.

However, what I didn't like about this design was that it didn't read like Sabo, or at least the version of Sabo I envisioned in my head. Hence, I gave up on it. It was sort of devastating because I wanted to try something new, but we move on!

Without a clear idea for what I wanted, I spent a lot of time struggling with not just Sabo's design but with what I wanted the illustration to be overall. Later that evening, I scrolled through Pinterest (again) and found images of eels and that just clicked.

They're just the right combination of cute and just downright weird. They have that snake-like look to them, which echoed my initial shark design. On top of that, they don't look as derpy from the front as compared to sharks.

I did try again to make Sabo freaky, as shown by this sketch below. It's based on a scene from that potential fan fic, where Sabo saves Law from drowning and his inner freak shines through. I imagined a dark lighting situation where Sabo's scars are the light source. It'll be quite creepy and I'd like to manifest this vision someday!

Anyways, from here, I focused on making Sabo look cool and pretty for the illustration. I retained his human face (I am not good enough for furry art) and focused on making his tail look SUPER cool.

It's interesting to me that with this revision, I found inspiration in my initial 'failed' design. I still kept the star-shaped scars and placed them on his tail and body.

They're blue because (1) I wanted to respect Sabo's colour palette and (2) I was inspired by those ocean creatures who glow underwater. I feel that would be a good plot point like Sabo would be insecure about that because it's admittedly kinda scary but Law would think it's reassuring.

That's all I have to say about the designs. I have ideas for Ace and Luffy, but I haven't sketched them out concretely yet. I'm thinking lion fish for Ace and a cute black fish species called the Pinnate Spadefish for Luffy.

The Pinnate Spadefish has one bold red/yellow stripe and I like to think that Luffy as a merman just painted it on to look like Ace. He shifts between red and blue to imitate his Cool™ older brothers.

But yeah, that's all. I needed to yap about this, so if you read this far, thank you for reading!

#Sabolaw #revolutionary sabo #trafalgar law #happy mermay #mermay 2024 #i didn't think id get to make a post for mermay of all months since it was quite hectic for me #but THE GREAT AWESOME ME HAS DONE IT YIPEE #my art #one piece fan art #id LOVE to share the full image of the colours with the noise/grainy texture with you but the file is too large haha #maybe in the future or smth #I'm super proud of the colours and I know I half-assed the lighting scenario but let me be okay haha

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coloursflyaway · 2 hours

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Ok, so I’m a big fan of your dbda fics and I saw you were asking for prompts. I have 2, one of which is inspired by one of your reblogs.

1. Charles kisses Edwin at the worst possible time, maybe ending in them getting captured and Edwin giving him a lecture on “time and place”, Charles arguing with “you’re one to talk about time and place”, referring to the hell confession

2. Preferably very angsty, Charles wants to kiss Edwin to try and figure out if he feels the same way, and Edwin stops him, saying something along the lines of “if we did kiss and you didn’t feel the same way I don’t think I could bear it”

Obviously no pressure to write either of them, but I would love to see how you would develop these ideas more.

Hiii, thank you so much for these ♥♥♥ I'm keeping the second one for later, because I really like that, but here's a little ficlet for the first prompt!

It’s not like Charles plans it to go like this, is it? In fact, he isn’t sure if he could plan it like this if he tried, he’s not sure if anyone could.

It’s just something that happens, because, to be honest, it was always bound to happen at some point, and it’s not Charles fault that Edwin, well. Stood there. Looking so pretty with his perfectly coiffed hair and his kind eyes and high cheekbones. Not even the look of slight exasperation had detracted from how much of a vision he looked, maybe because Charles has gotten more than used to it in the thirty-odd years they have known each other.

(He knows exactly how many years it’s been, how many months and days too, could probably reconstruct it down to the hour, but that gets to be his little secret, only admired sometimes in dark nights and especially bright mornings, when Edwin is reading or doing research or concentrating on something else enough that the tip of his tongue peaks out between his plush, pink lips.)

And Charles didn’t decide to take a step towards him, just like he hadn’t decided to reach up and put one hand on Edwin’s cheek, feeling the sudden breath Edwin had taken. Two decades ago, Charles had persuaded Edwin to try breathing again, at least occasionally, as a little luxury, a little treat, and it still makes him smile to see Edwin do it, made him smile in that moment, too, and maybe that had been decision.

But leaning in and kissing Edwin, that hadn’t been a choice at all.

Just something he had to do in that moment, because there was a little smudge of chalk on the edge of Edwin’s jaw, because Edwin had looked at him and behind and around and between the exasperation, he had looked so fond. And Charles had thought, he loves me, and then, I love him, too.

What other choice did he have than kiss that love onto Edwin’s lips?

Only that when he pulls back, a smile on his lips and, if possible, even more love in his heart, Edwin is looking him with wide eyes and his lips kissed pink, but not curved, not smiling.

“Charles”, he starts, and Charles isn’t certain he has heard this tone in his voice before; it makes him giddy to think that this is something brand new he gets to find out about his favourite person in the world. “What are you doing?”

“Sorry”, Charles starts out of habit, then stops himself, brow furrowing. “Actually, no, I’m not sorry at all. That was great and I’ll do it again. And again.”

He grins at Edwin, happiness bubbling in his chest until he feels like he’s bursting; a sound drips from Edwin’s lips, something in between a gasp and a whine.

“There’s a time and a place-”, he begins a speech Charles has heard before, and it’s so easy to interrupt him this time, because Charles usually doesn’t mind the scolding, but there’s more important things right now, like kissing Edwin again.

“You mean, like not in the middle of summoning a demon? Yeah, maybe. But I’m not sure if you really get to talk about times and places. At least it’s not on the stairway to Hell, is it?”

And Edwin’s eyes widen even more, if that is possible, and not that Charles doubted it before, but God, he really does love him.

Without thinking, he moves his thumb to wipe the chalk from Edwin’s skin, and Edwin sucks in a breath, then, with the quietest, most hopeful voice, asks, “You do mean it, don’t you? You’re sure? This isn’t just a-”

“Of course I mean it”, Charles cuts him off, before Edwin can say anything else, can think that Charles might not be serious about this for a moment longer. “Have never meant anything more than this.”

Another breath, one that Charles can almost feel against his skin, and Edwin nods.

“Maybe, then, after the demon, we could-”, he starts, but doesn’t get to finish this sentence either.

“Sod the demon”, Charles says, and means it.

This time, when he kisses Edwin, it’s a choice, and it’s the best one he’s ever made.

#dead boy detectives #dead boy detective agency #charles rowland #edwin payne #painland #charles x edwin #paynland #chedwin #i love writing charles being impulsive so much #and i think it could absolutely just be a single moment of nothing special at all to make him go #oh #i do love him like this as well actually #i should kiss him about it

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nicole-timey-wimey-stuff · 1 day

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Who’s Afraid Of Little Old Me?

Dbf Joel Miller x fem reader (previous) No apocalypse AU

Spencer Reid x reader

Based on Taylor Swifts song, who’s afraid of little old me.

Warnings- Angst! Lots of angst, reader has a breakdown. Arguments, Joel’s a dick!, cuss words, supportive parents, Spencer’s a sweetheart as always, mentions of infidelity, heartbreak, some suggestive thoughts, 18+, if you like a Dbf Joel happy ending don’t read this! Happy ending with Spencer though.

So this idea just kinda popped into my head after listening to the song over and over, so at 2am I hashed this out (probably terribly proof read), also I am nearly finished with Pretty little letters 2, which will be up in a few days :).

We’ve all had that one ex who lead us to temporary insanity during the break up. 💔

Word count- 3.4K

The scandal was contained

The bullet had just grazed

At all costs, keep your good name

You don't get to tell me you feel bad

… Is it a wonder I broke? Let's hear one more joke

Then we could all just laugh until I cry

… So I leap from the gallows and I levitate down your street

Crash the party like a record scratch as I scream

"Who's afraid of little old me?"

I was tame, I was gentle 'til the circus life made me mean

"Don't you worry, folks, we took out all her teeth"

Who's afraid of little old me?

Well, you should be

… You should be

(You should be) You should be

'Cause you lured me (you should be)

And you hurt me (you should be)

And you taught me

________________________________________

Numbness, the feeling you felt right now. He was explaining to you why it had to be this way, why he had to end everything you had built together. Your dads best friend, that’s who you’d fallen for, like an idiot you allowed yourself to be swept off your feet by this man. He initiated this, started this crazy love affair, yes you’d flirted with him but never in your wildest dreams did you think anyone would act on anything.

You’d told him as much when this first started, said this wasn’t a good idea, that you’d get caught, someone would end up hurt, or he’d lose his 11 year friendship with your dad. He assured you that you’d figure it out together, that he wanted you and he wasn’t going to let you go now he finally had you. He’d broken every promise.

Joel Miller, a man who was supposed to have honour, be someone you could trust in, he’d wrecked it all. “So that’s it? It’s over? You’re ending this now? After you promised we could work through anything?” You demanded.

“Yeah darlin, I’m sorry but it’s for the best, your dad is getting suspicious, and people in the community saw us together, we can’t keep givin’ them the grabbing somethin’ for your father crap y/n! This needs to end, I shouldn’t have let it go this far” Joel declares.

“Or we could just tell them we are together? That we care about each other?” You ask.

“No” he deadpans, “This ends now, I’m sorry y/n” then he walks away, leaving you to pick up the pieces of your shattered heart.

________________________________________

Days, you sat there in your window seat staring out into space, you went through everything over and over in your head, where you’d gone wrong, what had you done to cause him to break things off? He promised! Promised you’d get through it all, that you’d sort things out, and you believed him! How naive were you? You’d given yourself to him completely.

You felt ashamed, how did you let this happen? Surely you knew it could only lead to heartbreak. Memories of heated nights fill your mind, tender touches, deep kisses while he buried himself inside you. Tears sting your eyes once more, before you choked on full blown sobs. Burying your face into your hoodie sleeves you scream out in tearful frustration.

A week passes by in a blur, you decide to pull yourself out of this zombie state, deciding to go to the community BBQ this evening, you’d see him there and if you act like maybe nothings bothered you, he’d see his mistake and beg for you back? Or you’d at least get some closure.

You showered, put on your best little black sundress and gave yourself some Smokey eyes to complete your look. Heading down the stairs your dad seemed shocked to see that you were coming, “Hey kiddo! I didn’t think you’d be up for tonight, with how sad you’ve been. You ready to tell me what’s going on now?” He asks, “Boy trouble dad, I’ll be ok” you respond.

He pulls you into a tight dad hug, kissing the top of your head. “Well you know I’m always here for you kiddo right?” He asks, “Yeah dad I know, I’m fine I promise.” You try to assure him “Ok, come on then” he responds before motioning you out the door.

The BBQ was your typical neighbourhood party, people already drunk singing country anthems at the top of their lungs, kids running riot, their mothers trying to keep up. But there in the corner talking to his brother Tommy stood Joel, looking as handsome as ever as he was animatedly explaining something. You make your way over to him but stop dead in your tracks, his ex Tess walks out of the community hall and straight into Joel’s arms, he gives her a smile wrapping his arm around her shoulders, before continuing his story with Tommy.

You stood in absolute shock, it’s been 10 days! Just 10 mere days since he broke things off with you! The audacity! Was this already going on when you were together? You must have caught his attention in your current state, because he was now walking towards you, ‘fuck this!’ You think, before you turn around and run for the exit, shoving anyone in your way aside. “Y/N!” You heard Joel shout, “Y/N wait! Please let me explain” he continues, but all you can do is run! And before you know it you’d ran 6 streets over to your front door.

You slam the door closed behind you locking it and falling to the floor, as sobs wrecked through you, how could he do this? Was it all a lie?. You fell into your bed eventually, the tears wearing you out into a deep sleep.

________________________________________

You avoided him for days, he’d tried coming over several times while your dad was at work. You ignored every knock, every call, he’d even sent you a ton of messages.

Hey y/n

Please answer, we need to talk about this please!

Hey again

Look please I need to explain it all, please don’t tell your dad everything in spite. I know this has probably upset you, but I can’t have my name dragged through the mud here. I have a family, Sarah is your age, she can’t find out please.

And so they went on, you’d gone from sad to angry now, you allowed the burning embers of rage overtake you. How dare he! He should have thought of that before he started this, he doesn’t get to keep his good name, tell you he feels bad but to get on with it. No this wasn’t going to go down this way!

4th July celebrations were in progress, there was to be a whole day of it. Fireworks on the green, a community party, alcohol and EVERYONE would be there. It’s been two weeks since the BBQ, two weeks you’d ignored Joel and gathered up all your anger, tonight was the night you’d release it. To think you used to be so tame, so gentle and kind, he’d stomped it all out of you, you deserved closure. Was it closure though you seeked? Or was it revenge.

As you arrived at the party the sun was beginning to set, bright colours painting the sky. All eyes watched you as you walk through the crowds, most likely still wondering about your fast exit last time, or the determined look on your face making them all nervous. You make your way over to the bar ordering two whiskeys, you promptly neck one, letting the amber liquid burn your throat, before taking the other with you. Joel spots you instantly, leaving Tess’s side to come talk to you, panic written all over his face.

“Y/N hey, can we talk please? I need to explain things and then we can put this all behind us” Joel asks, you let out a humorous laugh “Put this behind us? You move on in mere days, and I’m to get over it? Did it begin before we ended?” You demand, “What! No! I bumped into her a couple of days after our conversation, look let’s move somewhere where less public people are watching” he offers.

“Ha! Why? Are you afraid of little old me?” You goad, while he stutters at your outspoken comment you declare,

“You should be”.

“What, y/n no come on we can sort it” he pleads, you hadn’t noticed your dad watching your exchange with worried eyes, nor had you seen him make his way over to you both “Hey guys is everything ok here?” Your dad asks, “Well maybe you should ask Joel that, how about it Joel? Is everything ok?” You sneer, “Buddy?” Your dad asks him, “Yeah everything’s fine, isn’t it y/n?” He asks imploring you to see reason.

“No, no it’s not, I’m sorry what did you think was going to happen Joel? I said at the start we shouldn’t have began this, you told me we’d sort through it. You made me fall for you, told me you fell for me too, then when things got hard you dumped me, moved on to her two days later!” You shout pointing at Tess, everyone was now watching you, hearing the raised voices. “Joel, please tell me this isn’t true” your dad implores, “I’m so sorry Dave, I’m so sorry, it just happened I never meant for it to go this far” Joel begs, a loud smack echos through the air, gasps heard from everyone as your dads fist connects with Joel’s jaw.

Tess comes running over now, and your dads loosing it with Joel “How could you! My daughter Joel! She’s the same age as Sarah!”

“I know buddy I know, I have no excuse, I ended things when I realised what I’d done, I didn’t mean to hurt her” Joel answers, “She’s only 20 Joel! You’re 48! Did you really think her emotionally mature enough to consent and then deal with the break up?” your dad bellows. Tess is the one standing in shock now, clearly she had no clue about you at all. “Well I didn’t think she’d act this crazy no!” Joel shouts, this time it’s your fist that connects with Joel’s face, his nose lets out a loud crack as your hand makes contact.

“Fuck you Joel! Never come near me again! Never call or message, stay the hell out of mine and my dads lives!” You state, “Dad can we go please?” You whimper “Yeah, of course darlin, come on let’s get out of here”. You turn to the crowd who are all still silent, staring at you in shock “What!” You shout, anger still filling you, your dad ushers you away from the crowds and into the car.

Once you’d arrived home your dad finally spoke to you, “Why didn’t you tell me?” Tears start falling again, “I thought he loved me dad, I though we’d work it out, then eventually tell you. I’m such an idiot!” You cry, he pulls you in tight “No sweetheart you’re not, you’re not. We will get though this, I’m here for you”.

________________________________________

That was six years ago now, you’d packed up and moved up north back in with your mother, both you and your dad decided it was for the best. He didn’t want to see you go, but you weren’t emotionally stable at that point and you needed to get away from the ‘Situation’.

So after a lot of therapy, comfort from your mum and your dad, some self reflection and some determination, you graduated medical school with honours. You’d completely turned your life around, joined an amazing team at the BAU (behavioural analysis unit) as their resident pathologist.

Which is where you met a wonderful man called Spencer Reid. He was everything you needed in a partner, he was kind, sweet, attentive and he showed you off as his proudly.

You loved this man immensely, you’d been completely honest about your past, about Joel, and your break down. He’d in turn told you about his mum, all her issues, and his sad childhood. He also told you about his addiction that he’s overcome, you became each others rocks, one another’s biggest supporters, but most of all you made the other whole again.

Your parents loved Spencer, they disagreed with most things, but they both agreed that Spencer was perfect for you, he brought out the best in you and they were so happy that you were happy.

Walking into your shared apartment after a long day at comic con, you took off your matching Dr Who scarfs and cuddled up on the couch. “That was great fun! We should make this an annual thing!” You declare, “Yeah absolutely, did you know that the first comic con began in 1970 when a small group of comic book, movie, and science fiction fans from San Diego put on an event, only 300 people attended! And since then, Comic-Cons grown into the global phenomenon that it is today” Spencer explained, you smiled along loving his info dumping. He always gets so excited, and you love watching his face light up as he tells you whatever fact is on his mind.

“That’s so interesting! Well I thank that group of fans then, because that was super fun!” You reply, Spencer smiles at you before pulling you into a sweet kiss. “Have you decided what you want to do this weekend? Did you want to go?” He asks, tentatively moving a strand of hair from your face. “I don’t know, it’s hard because Mrs Harris has been next door to me and my dad since forever, it’s her 80th birthday party and I should go. But part of me still worries about seeing him there” you explain.

“I know, and I understand. But I will be there with you the whole time holding your hand.” He offers, bringing your hand up to his lips, pressing a loving kiss to your palm. “Yeah, ok we will go, but if I get uncomfortable at any point….” “Then we will leave” he states, you nod “Ok”.

________________________________________

Arriving back in Austen Texas was nerve wrecking, your leg shakes in the cab back to your dads place. Spencer places his hand on your thigh to try and steady its shaking, “Hey, look at me baby, it’s going to be ok! You have me and your dad and we aren’t going to let anyone be mean to you” Spencer assures. Your sweet sweet man, if only it was that simple, you place your hand over his and give it a little squeeze, your way of saying I’m ok.

As you exit the car you take in the house you’d always called home, not much had changed. There was a new lick of paint on the exterior, some new plants out front, but all in all it was the same. You sigh, it was nice to be home again, for the last six years your dad had come to Virgina to see you, so you didn’t have any unwanted feelings arise, but now it was time. Time to put everything behind you, to get real closure and relinquish any power he still has over you.

The front door opens abruptly startling you, “There she is!!! My baby girl is home” your dad gushes as he pulls you into a big bear hug, “It’s great to see you again too Spencer” he adds. “Nice to see you again too sir” Spencer replies, “Please you don’t need to use sir it makes me feel old as hell” your dad laughs, causing Spencer to bashfully nod. “It’s great to see you dad, six months has been too long!” You admit, “It sure is baby girl! Ok let’s get you both settled in before the big event this evening” your dad says, grabbing your bag and heading inside. He was still a little worried about how you were going to get through today, even though you had assured him several times you were ok, that you needed to do this in order to fully move on from the situation.

Dressed up that evening you stared at yourself in your old bedroom mirror, flashbacks of this very same moment six years ago go through your mind, only this time you have Spencer holding your hand, the love of your life, your best friend. Also this time your dad knew what was going on, you had love and support, this time was different.

“You look beautiful” Spencer smiled, “I’m so lucky to call you as mine” he admits pulling you against him, hands cupping your face as his lips meet yours in a loving kiss. You shake your head, “No it’s me that’s lucky, because I have you” you whisper against his jaw, nuzzling your nose against his neck, letting his scent comfort you. “Come on then, let’s get this over with” you declare, “Ok baby, remember what we said?” He asks, “Yup three squeezes to your hand and we will leave right away” you recite, he nods at you guiding you out the room and down the stairs.

You arrive at the community centre and take it all in, the last time you were here your heart broke, but holding Spencer’s hand you actually felt ok, there were fairy lights webbed above your head, twinkling in the night air, lighting up the courtyard. Mrs Harris stood by food table helping herself to all the sweet treats, you huff a small laugh under your breath, some things never change. Walking up to her you see her face light up “y/n! It’s so good to see you dear, it’s been years! How are you? And who is this handsome young man?” She asks, causing Spencer to go a bright shade of pink, “Mrs Harris! Happy Birthday!” You say as you give her a warm hug, “This here is my boyfriend Spencer, we met at work. And yeah I’m good thank you! Life is really good actually” you smile.

“That’s great my dear, you deserve all the happiness you get, I hear you’re a Doctor now! What an achievement, your dad must be so proud!” She gushes, “Yeah bless him, I work for the FBI now as their pathologist” you explain, “Wow, that’s impressive, well done you! Well make sure you come say goodbye before you leave dear, maybe pop over mine for some tea too?” She asks, “Yeah I’d love that” you confirm.

Walking off you smile at Spencer, you hadn’t even noticed Joel yet, but he heard and witnessed the whole conversation, he’d heard you went to med school but didn’t know you had actually become a Doctor, nor that you had joined the FBI. That’s probably due to the loss of friendship with your father, he watched you with sad eyes, you hadn’t even noticed him yet, so swept up with this new love of yours.

You on the other hand had taken to the dance floor with Spencer, giggling as he twirled you around and pulled you in close. What had you done to deserve this wonderful sunshine of a man, he brightens up every dark corner of your mind, guiding you through and back into the light. You look over his shoulder and your eyes meet with Joel’s, you offer him a nod, one to say hey, and it’s ok I’m over it, I’ve moved on. This causes a searing pain in his chest, he hadn’t moved on, Tess left him that night after the truth came out. He’d realised he did still have feelings for you, he just got in his head and ran off like a scared little boy. A decision he bitterly regrets, looking at you now you’d truly gown up into a mature, brilliant and beautiful woman, despite the pain he’d caused you, you’d blossomed into a force to be reckoned with, a Doctor and an FBI agent.

You however felt closure, real closure this time, one that only develops after learning to love yourself, from realising you are enough and you can do anything you put your mind too, having a loving supportive partner helps too. You smile up at Spencer, resting your forehead against his, life has a funny way of working itself out to be the way it was always meant to be.

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