#anyway i missed being on this silly app <3

[fightingdragonswithwho]

hello people from my phone, i missed this hellsite <3

#would love to say i came back with news but i didn’t i just accidentally took a break from here #anyway i missed being on this silly app <3 #and i had to be back for speak now (tv) 😌 #no one cares but i’m here aojdosjdkf #why do i have theeth at the bottom of my dash now ???? #stop messing with this app people are leaving twt already #okay bye <3 #ana! shut up

[neutron-stars-collision]

Deadlines & Commitments

Neil x F!Reader

Chapter 4 - North Greenwich Underground Station

Masterlist; Chapter 3 Summary: Neil's brief disappearance does nothing to extinguish the sparks. As he returns, you make a series of discoveries about each other and grow ever so much closer. Warnings: Swearing, E-rated language, ridiculous amounts of flirting as per usual. Buckle up bc we're amping the pace a little... ;) Author's Notes: Well... that was a long break between the chapters 🙈 My apologies, turns out that having a job takes away the little joys in life like writing silly stories. Anyways, here we are, at last. With another 10.7k. And this one's packed with many good, fun things ;))) Some of those scenes had been months in the making (if not years, considering I first mentioned this AU to Shet in like 2021? I think?). So, yeah. They had it long time coming. More cameos, more nonsensical POV changes and, above all, more certified idiocy by them two kids. Hope you enjoy and let me know what you think? 💕 Taglist: @hollandorks, @kristevstewart, @stargirl25 (let me know if you want to be added)

What Neil’s departure from London did not do was change the way things worked between you. Although you only had meagre information about his whereabouts (such as that he was within the same time zone but in a different country), there was no sense of a breach building in the space of that strange yet solid connection. With the anxieties surrounding the imminent ‘Don Quixote’ premiere keeping your blood pressure high daily, you more than enjoyed being able to pick up your phone and message him whenever possible.

He did not always respond immediately, but it was not a must. What mattered was that Neil eventually got back to you. Never disclosing any information about his work trip, apart from the fact that it was warm there even in mid-October, he still made the effort to keep up with your antics. In that sense, the insanity of the date you had risked changed absolutely nothing.

But it also changed everything.

It was as if your free will chose to conspire with the soul’s desires to get what they wanted. Namely – Neil. Because as soon as you had even begun considering breaching the line separating friendship from every other kind of relationship, your brain decided it was done.

Being his girlfriend was not on the list of priorities or wants, but getting in his pants definitely was. It was almost freeing to admit.

The only question left after all that soul-searching was whether Neil wanted you like that, too. Sometimes there were no doubts about that, either.

Almost a week in, with the ballet previews looming on the horizon and no chance of sleep anytime soon, you huffed an annoyed sigh and picked up the phone from your bedside table. Bleary eyes registered the hour (five past midnight) as you opened apps randomly, already giving up on the promise of sleep. It took you another few minutes to make up your mind, open the texts and stare at the conversation with Neil. It had been a few hours since the last exchange concerning the warmth of the climate wherever he was. You had been (fruitlessly) trying to make Neil send you a picture. Of himself. Not necessarily without clothes, but that was the dream. And a girl was allowed to dream, right?

Squinting at the screen, you hesitated for another millisecond before typing out the simple question:

/ 🏹, 00:15 am/ Are you missing me yet?

Neil did not make you wait for long.

/✝️, 00:26 am/ Obviously.

/✝️, 00:26 am/ I’m barely coping here, sunshine.

/ 🏹, 00:29 am/ Gee, you’re making it too easy.

/✝️, 00:30 am/ Making what too easy?

/ 🏹, 00:33 am/ Missing you.

/ 🏹, 00:34 am/ See, I thought my cheeky line would get a lukewarm response, so I was prepared to tease you further.

/ 🏹, 00:34 am/ And now I’ve no quips to offer.

/✝️, 00:39 am/ Apologies. I’ll do better next time.

/ 🏹, 00:40 am/ I’ll make sure of that.

/✝️, 00:42 am/ And what punishment do you propose?

/ 🏹, 00:43 am/ I’ve always wondered what you’d sound like if you begged.

/✝️, 00:44 am/ It could probably be arranged.

/✝️, 00:45 am/ I’ve no qualms about getting on my knees for a beautiful woman.

/✝️, 00:45 am/ But that would hardly be a punishment.

/ 🏹, 00:48 am/ Yeah, but if I let you have that and then left you… on your knees, so painfully hard with no release… How would that feel?

/✝️, 00:51 am/ You win this one.

/✝️, 00:52 am/ And yes, I’m blushing. Fiercely.

/ 🏹, 00:59 am/ Good, I was hoping you are. Goodnight, Neil.

As you hit send on the last message, your head hit the pillows with an audible ‘oof’. Your cheeks burned; the blush invisible in the dark yet still very much there. That was the problem with Neil and your chats. It was impossible to say when they would turn in that direction. When you would both lose control and follow a line of conversation that probably never should have happened. Not that you were complaining.

It was good to know what you could expect from Neil. If things happened the way you wished, they would. Admittedly, he’d look good on his knees. That was a fact.

That night you only got five hours of sleep, but who counted it anyway. What mattered was that you had some excellent dreams. Dreams that you hoped would end up prophetic.

On other days, your conversations were a little more serious. Like that early afternoon when you just finished the final in-costume run of the Cupid variation and exited the ROH to wander the streets of Soho. Whenever you felt close to losing your sanity, the walk around those familiar spots always did the trick. It was easier to breathe, to hope that you would not fuck it all up when the curtain call came. To believe that imposter syndrome was nothing more than a vile bitch.

Sighing against the thoughts muddling your brain, you took out the phone and immediately noticed the new message:

/✝️, 1:49 pm/ How’s the garden of the Dryads coming along?

/✝️, 1:50 pm/ It probably goes without saying that you’re my favourite ballerina.

/ 🏹, 2:06 pm/ Damn, that’s high praise. Especially considering that I’m the only ballerina you know.

/ 🏹, 2:06 pm/ I think the garden is coming along nicely. Not so sure about Cupid, tho.

/✝️, 2:08 pm/ I call bullshit on that.

/✝️, 2:09 pm/ I just know that you’re brilliant.

/ 🏹, 2:12 pm/ Doubt, she said.

/ 🏹, 2:12 pm/ ‘Cause like… How do you deal with the overwhelming weight of expectations?

/✝️, 2:18 pm/ I mean, I panic and lose it instantly, but generally speaking, I think you just sort of… ignore it and trust you are good enough.

/✝️, 2:19 pm/ I know that you are, Cupid. This role was made for you.

/ 🏹, 2:22 pm/ Elaborate, please. I need my ego stroked.

/✝️, 2:23 pm/ Well, she sorts of saunters onto the stage and has a minute to dazzle everyone, yeah?

/✝️, 2:24 pm/ Which is exactly what you did to me.

/✝️, 2:24 pm/ You’ve got this.

/ 🏹, 2:26 pm/ God, you’re irreconcilable. Better come back so I can force you to sit through this.

/✝️, 2:27 pm/ Working on it as we speak.

A smile painted itself on your face with an inerasable stroke of brush. Neil’s constant support and cheerleading were a welcome surprise. Sometimes, your meeting almost felt like a divine intervention. That is if you believed in such things. Because the odds of gaining both a fascinating man to pursue and a friend were quite low. And yet.

As you looped your steps back towards Covent Garden, you made the mental note to visit the box office and add a request for the guest list. It was a rare enough event to have someone you could invite to the performance. And have the right to believe they would come. You were not going to squander that sort of chance.

***

The whirring ceiling fan was starting to get on his nerves with its endless sputtering. And it was not even working, as far as Neil was concerned. The sweat still clung to his skin and trickled down his back to a point where he seriously contemplated ditching the shirt. And that rarely happened. Especially not on the job, with the whole squad confined to a medium-sized safehouse.

The bustle of the city streamed through the windows, cracked open so they could let in fresh air while still having a chance of keeping them safe from snipers and the like. Granted, one could never be fully prepared for an inverted shot, but it was worth trying not to get killed. Especially during a mission that technically was just a recon. Though Neil knew better than to believe The Protagonist when the man claimed something was perfectly safe. He meant well, sure. But despite the appearances, he did not know everything.

So, the windows cracked open three inches had to do. Neil sighed, annoyance digging deep beneath his skin to stay there for a little longer. It was another one of those boring, yet technically productive afternoons in the safehouse. Today, the task was to plan a hypothetical pincer movement. Just in case, they said. Well, Neil sure did hope the case never came to be.

He glanced at the blacked-out screen of his phone, the muscle memory betraying him as he picked up the device almost mindlessly and opened the conversation with Cupid. It had been a few hours since the last chat, which was pretty usual. They did not need to talk all the time. Neil knew that. He also knew that it was probably better they did not talk constantly. Considering that 3 out of 5 conversations always ended up dirty, up to the point where he was blushing like an idiot. And, sometimes disappeared in the bathroom to deal with some troublesome effects of those chats.

Yes, considering all that, Neil knew it was best they took some breaks. But also-

“Blondie, can you give us a hand with this?” the yell from further inside the apartment acted like a bucket of cold water tipped over his head unceremoniously.

Neil whipped his head up, glaring at the open doorway. Unfortunately, being referred to as ‘blondie’ was becoming more frequent. The petulant nature urged him to ignore it, but he knew that was hardly the last one. With another long-suffering sigh, he heaved himself out of the armchair and called back:

“I said I’m coming,” granted, that was over fifteen minutes ago, but everyone could get distracted. Right? “Would it hurt you to ask nicer?” he stalked down the corridor toward the living area with an arched eyebrow.

It was not surprising to meet a mirroring expression on the faces of Ives, Wheeler, and Jeremy sitting in a trifecta of judgment. Neil had no doubts about his place in that makeshift courtroom.

“Yes, when you’re slacking,” Wheeler dropped the disapproving glare with all the air of nonchalance and pointedly glanced at the table covered with maps and blueprints.

Neil had no choice but to sit down in the remaining chair and offer an apologetic pout to anyone willing to hear him out:

“I’m not slacking. I’m just-” whatever excuse he could whip out on a whim got interrupted prematurely.

“Otherwise occupied with your girlfriend. Yes, we know,” Wheeler raised her head once more with a dismissive wave of hand, making Neil consider the possibility that she was close to losing it right there and then.

That possibility was always worrisome, for no anger could compare to that of his friend. Especially when she was pissed off.

But that careful consideration was nothing in the face of the two realisations brought forward by that simple assumption. Firstly - Cupid was decidedly not his girlfriend. Secondly – fucking Ives.

Neil glared at the man in question, hoping his eyes would reveal the murderous intents hidden underneath as his clarifying statement broke the awkward silence:

“She’s not-” he never finished that sentence (perhaps for the better), for the harsh sound of his ringtone filled the room with cacophonic clamour. Neil scrambled to pick up the phone without as much as glancing at the screen, “Hello?” the tentative opener sounded ridiculous even to his ears.

Soon, it was clear he should have checked the caller before picking up.

“Hi, Neil,” Cupid’s silky tone caressed his ear through the device.

Neil knew she did that purposefully, solely inspired to make the idiot inside him blush and giggle like a loser. Make no mistake; Neil was certainly a loser. And an idiot.

Once he felt the shock pass enough to ensure he would not drop the phone he repeated the greeting.

“Umm, hi,” from the corner of his eye, Neil could see the accompanying trio stare at him without trying to be covert about it. Absolute assholes “You’ve never called me before” trust him to state the obvious.

For a second, Neil considered faceplanting onto the table. Equally, the idea of jumping out of the window sounded appealing. The thoughts of potential demise were interrupted by Cupid’s reply:

“I know. I just thought it might be fun to spice things up,” she was definitely enjoying this and the damage she has caused. It was audible in the lightness of her voice, the vowels curled by a cheeky smile he could hear as she asked, “How’s your day?”

No longer happy to ignore his audience, Neil turned towards them with another glare. All three stared back, with Ives going as far as shooting him a knowing smile.

“It’s fine, except for my team being desperate to berate me,” Neil directed the venom in his voice at the trio as Wheeler casually got up from the table and put the kettle on.

The light chuckle from the phone almost made him feel better about it.

“That’s rude,” her remark contrasted with the laughter he could hear in her voice. Yet it was too late to raise the alarm or prepare for what would follow, “Would it be better if I reminded you what a good boy you are?” as soon as Cupid finished the question, Neil felt the full-body reaction she wanted.

A shudder ran through his spine as his face flushed pink. On a last conscious thought, Neil leapt up from the chair and paced towards the window, hiding from the group. A half-swallowed groan broke through his mouth as he tightened his fist, hopelessly trying to forget how those two words sounded on her lips. It was pathetic.

The more tragic outcome was that now Cupid had even more blackmailing material in her arsenal.

“Jesus Christ, you’re evil,” Neil knew he still sounded wrecked.

There was no way of hiding that. Of making her forget this had just happened and the conclusions she could draw from it. Neil barely resisted the urge to smash his head into the window.

“Oh, so it would help,” as expected, Cupid sounded delighted by what had transpired. The cheeky smile he liked way too much was undoubtedly present on her face as she added, “Not so dully noted” may he rest in pieces, apparently, “When are you coming back?” the question sounded almost out of place.

Yet even in his muddled mind, Neil knew it was genuine. That she wanted to know. If that fact meant anything at all, he did not know. And he tried his hardest not to think about it too much.

“Why? You miss me?” ignoring the chorus of ‘awws’ behind his back, Neil allowed himself to ask.

Even if only for emotional validation. Because while she has hinted at it before, Neil was never tired of being reminded. The whole thing with her might have been hopeless, but it did not change how he worked. How his heart ticked and what beat it chose. Tragically, romanticism was tricky to get rid of. Neil experienced that first-hand.

“You know that I do,” Cupid did not mind humouring his whims as she offered a simple admission without a fight.

With all his predictability, Neil could not hold back the idiotic grin from making an appearance. Sure, it had no future, but that did not make him less eager to play along. What’s the worst thing that could happen? Famous last words and all. Probably.

“I should be back in a week. More or less,” that was the hope, anyway.

The few stray thoughts that had somehow escaped the web spun by Cupid, and her attention reminded him about the work still left to be done. Like the fucking pincer movement plan. With threebastards taunting him mercilessly. So much fun.

“Fab. I got you a great seat for the premiere, so… You know what to do,” the hopeful note in her voice was worth the future pain.

He had no doubts about it. The fact was that Neil was looking forward to the ballet. The hazy memories of seeing ‘Swan Lake’, aged six, hardly compared to the Royal Ballet company. It was a good enough reason to attend. The other excellent reason was Cupid herself, but that was best unsaid. And unthought. Somehow.

“Got you,” ignoring the ridiculous thoughts, Neil offered her a smile she could not see and a silent prayer cast into the heavens that he was not lying unknowingly.

“I know you do. You’re a good boy, Neil,” Cupid’s strike came with no warning.

Yet again, she dropped her tone a notch and whispered the damned two words with a breathy sigh. The metaphorical nail to the coffin this time was how she said his name, almost caressing the letters. And yes, this time it worked, too.

Neil had the mind to faceplant into the window and groan with frustration. The inescapable blush warmed up his cheeks as his body shivered. Some… particular parts of his physique also showed interest in what was happening, eternally oh so eager to betray his wish to stay unbothered.

“For fuck’s-” the choked curse got swallowed by the mightiest effort on his side as Neil took a steadying breath and asked, “Why?”

As if happy to punish him, Cupid laughed.

“Because it’s fun,” the unspoken duh made him both more annoyed and more bewitched by her, “I’ll let you work now, but…” as did the carrot dangled in front of his face like the sweetest of baits.

Always the idiot, Neil could not possibly ignore it.

“Yeah?” he could hear her take a deep breath as if steeling herself for a difficult admission.

“I’m glad we’ve met,” Cupid whispered the confession without as much as a pause between the words.

“Me too,” his reply got lost in the static as she hung up.

Letting out the breath he did not know he was holding, Neil lowered the phone onto the windowsill and stared at the city outside. Well then. The call would take a while to process; that was unquestionable.

“Aw, aren’t you two cute?” Ives’ teasing threw Neil out of that pleasantly fuzzy mind space with all the grace of an elephant.

He turned around with the glower at the ready. This time, he could not bite back the curse:

“Shut the fuck up,” on an afterthought, Neil added, “Please,” noticing the soldier open his mouth for a quip, he dropped his tone to a warning timbre. That called for a final caution, “Unless you want to start looking for a new physicist,” his glare slipped over the trio before Neil settled at the table and unfolded the blueprints without another word.

***

When that awaited text from Neil came, bearing the information that he was back in London and happy to meet you whenever you did not jump for joy. Definitely not. What you did do was grin and discuss the possible rendezvous immediately. When that Tuesday afternoon arrived, with the glory of a decent rehearsal and a good coffee in your paper cup, you happily bypassed the crowds at Green Park and skipped the steps down to the correct platform.

That twenty-minute walk to the station was a blessing, just as much as a curse. When Neil proposed the time you could meet on the train, you did not correct him about your location that day. Or that grabbing the Jubilee line would be entirely off the quickest route back home. You just accepted the time and place and ignored the voice at the back of your head reminding you that this was not how you usually behaved.

It could go fuck itself.

Once you settled on the platform, one glance at the watch told you the next train would be the right one. The strange giddiness sparked in your veins, but you blamed it on the three-week gap between the meetings. It was just that, nothing more. Obviously.

The autopilot carried you through the motions until you had boarded the carriage and came face to face with the cause of all this idiocy. Neil smiled, instantly clocking you before you had even placed both feet inside. It was impossible to keep your face neutral, returning the grin and manoeuvring around the commuters to sit next to him on the three plastic chairs facing the sliding doors.

Then, as if seized by insanity, you propelled your body forward with the arms coming up around Neil’s neck to embrace him tightly. His freeze took approximately twenty seconds to thaw as he returned the hug with equal strength. You could feel the warmth of his breath hitting the crook of your neck and making you fight back a shiver that would not do. Instead, you let yourself breathe him in, rest in the moment that was potentially a mistake. Still, you were not going to treat it like one. Not when the warmth of his hands seeped through the clothes as they rested on your waist.

When the lurch of the train reminded you of reality and all its flaws, you ruefully disentangled from Neil and met his wary gaze. His blue eyes scanned your face as if looking for clues towards the reasons for the madness you just allowed yourself. When that offered no answers, Neil broke the silence with a careful observation:

“I didn’t know that we’re doing hugs,” his impassive face offered no clues either, triggering a wave of uncertainty you had to smother.

Because what if you went too far? What if that was not what Neil wanted?

“We are now,” the confidence was missing from the statement, making you add a crucial question, “Is that okay?” you could hear the insecurity in your voice, betraying the worries.

They disappeared the moment Neil flashed you a smile, his hand lightly patting your knee as a complement to the simple reassurance:

“Sure is,” lowering his gaze to catch yours, Neil winked.

Thank fuck. It surely made life much easier. Or the plans you might or might have not made regarding him. Now that the crisis had passed, you shifted in the seat to find a more comfortable position and allowed yourself a selfish look, measuring him up as usual. The slight tan line revealed by the rolled-up sleeves confirmed what you did know about his disappearance. The minor tiredness in how he carried his body strengthened your guesses. The rest of him blinded you as always.

Especially the three buttons left undone, revealing a strip of his chest. And inspiring ungodly thoughts in your head. Ignoring that what could not be addressed. Especially not right now in a carriage full of people. You switched your attention to the other crucial topic. Everything was better than being arrested for public indecency. At least you did hope so.

“How was the trip?” you noted the shift in Neil’s posture.

How he strengthened in the seat, the mask back in place. Although his mystery had fallen into the background over the acceleration of your dynamic, it was still very much present. You had to figure him out. Had to crack the case. Even if it killed you.

For now, though, simply asking mundane questions had to be enough.

“Well… it was fine. The usual” the answer did not help much, however.

Neil looked as if he knew how enigmatic it sounded but could not do anything about it. Upon your questioning look, he only shrugged and offered no further details. This time, you could not let the moment pass without a comment. You rolled your eyes, a frustrated huff interrupting the silence with petulance:

“God, you couldn’t be any less mysterious if you tried,” although anger was not one of the present emotions, you knew Neil would understand the message as you glared at him without heat.

He winced as if admitting to the guilt you hinted at and turned to you with a more open expression on his face:

“Sorry, it’s uh… maybe one day,” Neil met your gaze meaningfully, making you keener to believe him.

You held his gaze for a beat, even if only to have an excuse to look into his eyes and see Neil without the veil of pretence. It was easy to hope one day he would tell you more. That there was one day, somewhere along the line, waiting for you. That whatever was happening would not burn to a cinder in two weeks and leave you bereft. As things like this tended to do.

“I’ll hold you to that,” before breaking the eye contact, you reached for his hand.

It was another insane reflex that was difficult to explain, even to yourself. Yet, still, Neil went willingly. His long fingers tangled with yours without resistance and allowed you to rest your joined palms between the seats, almost like a beacon to whoever was curious about your meeting. And you could see the nosy stares, the inquisitive grandmas eager to judge and label everything and everyone existing within their vicinity.

You used the warmth of your connected hands to anchor you in the present as Neil asked:

“How’s the imposter syndrome? Did it fuck off at last?” the softness in his eyes could undoubtedly be fatal.

As was the way he knew what to ask and hit the jackpot without even trying. Because, of course, the feeling of not being good enough did not disappear. Of course, you still got up every morning with the vague desire to approach the ballet director and tell her you are giving up. That you cannot do this. It almost seemed like Neil could sense your thoughts.

Which was both terrifying and appealing, if you were to be honest. It would make your job easier if he knew exactly what you were thinking. About him.

“I wish,” the suffering sigh was a cheap trick, but viable in your books, “I still think I’m going to embarrass myself, but well,” not willing to give up the comfortable weight of his hand in yours, you offered Neil a one-sided shrug “Can’t exactly capitulate now” the desperate edge to that sentence did not escape his attention.

Sure, you would not actually give up, but that did not mean you were not half-heartedly wishing it happened anyway. Ideally, in the form of someone else doing the job for you. Pathetic, innit?

Neil squeezed your hand, capturing your attention without needing to try at all. The frown was still present on your face, its force turning the corners of your mouth downwards. As always, Neil seemed to see through all that you were not saying. He met your gaze (which was a feat considering you were happy to look anywhere but at him) and spoke:

“I wouldn’t let you,” there was an edge to his voice, a steely resolve that told you the conversation was gaining another layer.

A different destination to the one you had expected at first. Although, with how your chats recently played out, it was to be anticipated. Probably.

Without giving yourself the time to overthink, you leaned closer to Neil and placed a hand on his thigh. You could see his eyes widen upon the move, the pupils blowing up in the quickest form of flattery a man could give you. Sharpening your smile to the perfectly saccharine variant, you delivered the prepared lines:

“Oh yeah?” his thigh muscles tensed underneath your hand as Neil’s mouth fell agape without him being fully in control of the reaction. It was adorable. And an ideally ripe ground to lay the final strike, “You’d force me? Have your way with me?” the sparks in his eyes were a pretty addition to the already gorgeous picture.

At that moment, you knew that you had missed this. No texting could ever replace the real thing. The back and forth with the arresting strength of his eye contact and the unpredictable suspense of what would come next. Like the sudden softening of Neil’s features and an unexpectedly tentative counter to your bold questions:

“If you’d let me,” he swallowed hard as if desperately trying to get rid of the thoughts in his head and simultaneously unable to shake them off.

As if ripping the thread connecting him to you and shortening it at an alarming rate was causing Neil physical pain. The revelation acted like a hot poker pressed against the tender skin of your palm. It was difficult to shrug it off as if it was nothing. It nagged and prodded until you could do nothing but stare dumbly at him, feeling every passing second like a wasted beat of time you would never get back.

Before you could get your shit together in any way, it was too late. Neil had already jumped to conclusions, as you worried he might. His brows furrowed as his teeth nibbled on the chapped bottom lip in a familiar nervous tic. Slowly, as if navigating a mined battlefield, he shifted in the seat, widening the space between you by a fraction. You noticed it anyway.

“You don’t mind that this sort of thing keeps happening?” the question was completed with a vague gesture, slashing the air between you awkwardly.

The inflexion offered no space for doubt. Neil concluded that you very much did mind. That somehow you were not an active and eager participant in the heavy flirting and mutual teasing. Neil was an idiot.

And you had to put that point across instantly.

“Why would I mind?” without thinking, you let your fingers repeatedly stroke his forearm as you leaned back into his orbit to confess what ought to have been obvious, “I mean every word I say to you. Including all that post-Watershed talk” it was delightful to see your favourite smile disrupt his frown.

At the same time, it was nice to have it out in the open, no longer unsaid and implied. Because you did mean it. And you did want it. Whatever Neil would offer, be it a friendship or more. The choice was his.

You could pinpoint when the weight lifted off his shoulders and let him breathe deeper. You stared as Neil absorbed and processed the information, his blue eyes showing a spectrum of emotions. Some were unreadable. Other more obvious, like the devilish sparks that always guaranteed the conversation would take a curious turn. Or the cautious hope, making him look so much younger and innocent. Your unoccupied hand itched with the desire to brush his golden locks from his forehead, so you tightened it into a fist hidden in the coat pocket.

Just like you hid everything that had no place in your life.

At the periphery of your attention, you could register the called stations. Or the fact that your stop was mercilessly getting closer. Only one question could make you forget the reality altogether:

“So, what would you do if I kissed you?” when Neil asked, you were glad you had never forced yourself to look away from him.

That hesitant hope was still there, lightening up his eyes. You let it pull you in, as there was no need to search your heart for an answer. It was fair to assume Neil knew that, too. The question was only a preliminary. But it was still admirable he asked. People rarely did.

You shrugged, highlighting the evident conclusion he hopefully had already reached. It would have been easy to close the gap and let that be the answer. Too easy. It was enough that you could hardly ever look away from him, constantly drawn and arrested by his eyes.

Forcing yourself to break the spell, you met his gaze and offered him an impassive smile. If only to keep up the façade for a little longer.

“There’s only one way to find out, Neil,” you hoped that was enough, that he would understand the ball was back in his court to do as he pleased.

You also hoped Neil came to the right solution. Sadly, that did not seem to come to be just yet. One glance outside the window alarmed you about the surroundings and that you were arriving at your station. The frown twisted your mouth downwards as you risked a glance at Neil. The disappointment in his eyes told you he already caught up.

Two choices were waiting at your disposal. You could either stay, miss your stop to find out what would happen next. Or you could choose cowardice and leave the carriage, delaying the fateful moment a little longer. Definitely not forever.

It was hard to say why you chose the second option. Why you stood up without as much as a look at Neil and feigned a cheery farewell that felt foreign on your tongue. Later, you were keen to pretend it was just the influence of the moment. A sudden spell of insanity.

“Oops, that’s me. See you soon,” it was a miracle that you did not trip in the haste to get out.

You barely registered the surroundings as you bolted towards the sliding door and stepped onto the platform, missing the gap by mere millimetres. It was pure luck that you did not walk into any poor soul as you attempted to get away from the train as fast as possible.

You did not get the time to flee. All because you did not consider one thing – Neil had a choice, too.

When you felt a hand take yours and pull you back, there was that split second of panic. Your disoriented mind rapidly flicked through at least ten different disastrous scenarios, starting at a random appearance of Liam and ending at a violent assault you were about to be subjected to. Only then, at the very end, your brain pushed forward another observation. There was something familiar about that handhold.

Before you had a second to follow that thought, the interrupter pulled at your hand, making you whirl around to face them. Your widened gaze fell upon the undone tortoiseshell shirt buttons and wandered up the neck to land on Neil’s blue eyes, patiently staring back at you. It took you another second to understand what happened. And another one to begin processing what it could mean. Why he did it.

Without being aware of the movement of your body, you stepped closer to Neil, tightening the bubble you both had created in the middle of the platform. People bypassed you as they rushed to the train with the beeping doors hastening their steps. But that hardly mattered. It was just white noise. Unimportant and ignorable.

Unlike Neil, who closed the gap between your bodies to mere millimetres, and wordlessly repeated the question from before. The answer did not change. You offered him a tiny nod, not feeling the need to speak. The surrealism of the moment could not be labelled anyhow.

From the second you had tasted Neil’s lips, you knew it would not be something you could forget. That the feel of him would burn into the cortex of your brain and stay there to haunt you for eternity. You were right.

Your eyes snapped shut as soon as he closed the distance and covered your mouth with his in a soft kiss. His gentle and pliant lips caressed yours attentively without effort, making you cling even closer to him. Your arms came around Neil’s neck as your fingers toyed with the hair at the nape of his neck. It took another second, a blissful beat of existence, to make you kiss him back. Just as carefully. Just like you never kissed anyone before.

Neil’s relief came through in a short gasp, let out into your opening mouth, and the warm weight of his palms came up to rest on your waist beneath the open coat. Following the logic you did not understand, you tilted your head and allowed his prying tongue to lick into your mouth. The liquid heat traversed your veins, warming up your skin as Neil took his time to map out the inside of your mouth. Suddenly, the instant connection you felt made sense. Things clicked into place as you breathed the taste of him and breathed out the uncertainty. It felt right. Good. Unforgettable, even.

It felt like no first kisses and endless one-night stands ever did. And that made no sense.

Soon, that first kiss evolved into another and then the next. The platform, the people and the noise faded into the background as you swapped kisses, barely interrupted by quiet groans and swallowed gasps. On its own accord, your hand ventured up to tangle in his hair, grabbing a fistful of the golden locks and tugging in time with a particularly hungry nip taken out of Neil’s bottom lip. The reward of a barely stifled moan was more than worth it.

As was how Neil held you close and returned your kisses with equal zeal. He matched your energy and pushed you further until the remaining part of your conscience worried about being arrested for public indecency.

When the burn of your lungs excelled that of your soul, you placed a palm over the centre of his chest and pushed Neil back. Just a fraction. Just to catch your breath. His answering whine felt like another spark of pride, making your eyes glow with self-satisfaction. That was better than any other form of gratification you could think of.

When you finally forced yourself to blink your eyes open and look at Neil, you were met with kiss-bruised lips and darkened blue eyes, showing nothing else but hunger. At least ten increasingly ridiculous religious metaphors battled for leadership in your mind, but you pushed them all aside. The most accurate comment went to two simple words, pushed forward by the strength of your soul’s crudeness. Fucking hell. In the best of meanings, that is.

Following deeply rooted instincts, your tongue darted out to thoroughly trace the expanse of your bottom lip. And get remains of his taste, that you had already started missing. As far as kisses had gone, this one was pretty damn spectacular.

Neil seemed frozen, his eyes fixed on your mouth as if that was the only thing he could do. Admittedly, it was adorable. Yet, still, you decided to break the spell, the only way you could think of:

“I think your train has left,” you glanced over his shoulder, noting the expectedly empty platform.

Only now, when the haze of the kiss (or rather a whole make-out session) had begun to lift, you could understand what had transpired. And that Neil was keen to delay his return home for the price of a kiss. Or for the hope of a kiss, for clearly, he did not think he would get that far. Idiot.

You could see it now, back on his face. The slight disorientation and confusion suggested Neil could barely believe that what just happened was real. He blinked twice, then again, as if forcing himself to wake up and met your gaze with wide eyes. Without thinking, you allowed the hand you had pressed flat to his chest to venture up, stopping when your fingers started grazing over his neck. That was the trigger Neil needed to return to reality. He seized your adventurous fingers in a loose hold and placed your joined hands back over his heart. You could feel it racing.

“I’ll wait for the next one,” Neil offered you a half-smile, the uncertainty shining through the tentative joy in his eyes.

It was not something you were used to. Usually, after a kiss like that (never even preceded with a question, because who the fuck still asked for kisses?), you only ever got smugness. And an attempt at a smooth transition to sex, which did or did not succeed, depending on the participating party). Never uncertainty. Never shyness. Never contentment with what happened without pushing you for more.

You didn’t know what to do with any of it.

“No regrets?” the question was also one that you never asked before.

Not after something as trivial as a first kiss. But then, nothing was the way it usually went with Neil. That much was quite clear.

“Not really. You?” as if sensing your growing uncertainty, Neil did not hesitate before answering the question.

He squeezed your fingers, still wrapped in his palm and met your gaze with something almost resembling confidence. Somehow, that was enough. You took a fortifying breath to gather courage and discard the doubts. There would be more than enough time to deal with them later. Hopefully.

For now, there were other things to do and say. Like answering Neil’s question and reclaiming the conversation from its sombre paths. Especially since no cell in your body regretted the kiss. Or any other thing you had ever said or hinted at to him. It is just that somehow, somewhere along the line, your normal confidence had been wiped off the table. And it felt like it was never to be seen again. Not like before.

You hoped to ignore that bit of revelation, too.

“Nope. I’d offer a coffee at mine, but… I think some things need a better build-up,” you hoped the chaos in your head was not easily seen as you dropped the line with an attempt at the usual smoothness and met Neil’s eyes with remaining poise.

You meant that, too. A part of you, the same that had difficulties ending the kiss, wanted to continue it wherever it may lead you. You were quite sure you knew where it was going. And you certainly wanted that. But, at the same time, rushing into it seemed… wrong. As if the fact that you also wanted to be friends with Neil needed a little more respect. A little more time.

You could tell he understood from the way Neil nodded, his eyes still blown out by the darkened pupils.

“Agreed,” he shook his head slightly as if trying to clear it before glancing at the timing screen over your heads. Whatever the impact those 7 minutes of waiting had, the next thing Neil did was to heave a sigh and set his weary eyes on you, “Actually, I might walk back home. Should probably clear my head,” a small smile lifted the corner of his mouth.

Without overthinking the act, you seized his hand and started for the stairs. Just because you were not yet taking him home did not mean you could not drag out the goodbye. Right?

Right.

***

Although the kiss was not forgotten and only added to the general restlessness, you never mentioned it again. It was another layer added to the sprinkled, complex mess that was your relationship. A tiered cake that had so many flavours it was impossible to label it using a concise, less than five-word description. It just did not get discussed.

That was both a blessing and a curse, considering that with mere days left till the public Don Quixote premiere you could barely handle one type of stress and uncertainty. Let alone two. The reality check deadline crept up on you without warning, catching you pacing the flat for over an hour the evening before the official pre-premiere. The event always happened at least a night before the opening soiree and was reserved for the press, Royal Ballet directory and special guests of honour. It also meant that every detail of the performance had to be up to par if one wanted to continue advancing the career in the company. Which you did want. Desperately. It was just bloody unfortunate that the usual insanity of anxiety now was interlaced with something else.

Something that made you stop the pacing and pick up the phone only to open the messages and stare at the text conversation with Neil. It had been a few hours, and considering the 9 pm on the clock, you had a fair right to believe that he might be asleep. Maybe. But that could hardly deter the part of your brain that tended to get ahead of itself. Especially fuelled by stress and anxiety.

Without letting yourself falter, you typed the question:

/ 🏹, 9:04 pm/ Are you still up?

Luckily, you only had to hold your breath for an answer (or a lack of it) for less than 5 minutes. For that, your lungs were eternally thankful.

/✝️, 9:08 pm/ Is this the moment you ask me for dick pics?

A ridiculous guffaw broke the silence of your flat, along with that necessary intake of oxygen. Conversations like those still happened daily and only increased the want you could not get rid of if you tried.

And you didn’t try. There was no point to it.

/ 🏹, 9:09 pm/ Nah. Not yet.

You were having fun, chatting the shit on the daily with someone who seemed more than eager to keep the ball going. That was partially why you reached out on a whim, desperate to get out of the flat even for a little while. After all, asking Neil offered a fifty-fifty chance of an entertaining evening. All other intentions did not have to be disclosed. Even in your mind.

/✝️, 9:10 pm/ That’s a relief.

/✝️, 9:10 pm/ How can I be of service, my lady?

/ 🏹, 9:11 pm/ You’ve no idea, babe.

/ 🏹, 9:12 pm/ I was thinking of going to the dance studio, that’s open till midnight. Do you want to come?

/ 🏹, 9:12 pm/ You’ve said you wanted to see me dance so…

After sending the third message, you put down the phone and exhaled. That nervousness residing in your bones was new. It was almost as if it mattered what Neil’s answer would be. As if you cared whether he would say yes to the tentative proposition. None of that had ever happened before.

The urge to faceplant into the pillow was derailed by the buzz of an incoming message. With embarrassing speed of reaction, you read the texts:

/✝️, 9:15 pm/ Happily.

/✝️, 9:15 pm/ When and where do we meet?

You grinned. As you copied and pasted the location pin into the message, you could already feel a different type of nervousness enter your system. It was time for Neil to see you dance. You would also see him for the first time since the kiss. It was high time someone covered this topic on wikiHow. Or, at least, you thought so.

***

Although the Royal Ballet had more than good enough facilities at the Covent Garden building, the company could also use a studio by the Southwark Underground Station whenever you felt like it. Conveniently, that alternative place was open till midnight on weeknights, offering a one-in-a-million chance to run over the choreography for a billion times more before the pre-premiere. Without an audience of your fellow ballet dancers and their critical eyes, at that.

The other perk to the external studio was that nothing stopped you from bringing someone from the outside along. Nothing except for maybe the deeply rooted fear of showing Neil what you could do. Or couldn’t do.

That fear had not left through the Uber drive from your flat, growing in force from the moment you set your eyes upon Neil waiting outside the studio with a smile on his face. You exchanged the usual niceties, bypassing the awkward tint to the interaction with an avoided hug and nonsensical commentary from your side.

The nerves seemed to reach the peak as you left Neil in the main ballet studio room, the space lit up sparsely to maintain the strangely surreal atmosphere of those late autumn nights in London when nothing seems to be tangible and real. Having left the house in a pre-planned rehearsal outfit, you only took off the unnecessary layers, leaving you in a simple bodice and a wrap mid-thigh skirt and pulled on the woollen leg warmers to keep the chill at bay.

Luckily for your racing heart, the ritual of putting on and lacing up the pointe shoes always did its magic, allowing you to centre yourself and take a couple of deep breaths. Until there was nothing left but to march out of the changing room and connect your phone to the speaker, the right track ready for you to press play.

But before you could go that far, you made the mistake of locating Neil in the room. He had settled on the floor opposite you, his back pressed to the mirror-covered walls of the studio. He stared as you entered the invisible stage and offered you an encouraging smile. A slow, gentle warm-up was a valid opportunity to falter. A necessary step you had to take while also admitting that it was convenient. Although, Neil’s attentive gaze following your every move was much less convenient.

Once you had run out of all other options, you started the music, put down the phone and took up position. Desperate to rehearse as much as possible, you chose to go through the entire dream sequence at the end of Act 2. As always, the Minkus score did its magic, helping you settle into the movement and almost forget about everything else.

You followed the steps with practised ease, hearing the dull thud of pointe shoes hitting the hardwood floors with each landing between the orchestral notes. When the cue to finish was near you were almost out of breath. The pearls of sweat clung to your temples as the sweetness of exertion burned through your muscles and tendons. When those final notes rang off in the quiet studio, you held the finishing pose and waited for the music to end. The resulting silence was deafening.

Slowly, as if pained to do it, you opened your eyes. Neil was right where you had left him; his gaze seemingly never trailed away. But the exact look on his face was different. Instead of the ease and unbothered nonchalance he tried to emit earlier, Neil was now speechless. Dazed. His mouth was still agape, and he had to remind himself to close it before swallowing hard. You tried your hardest not to let that get into your head. You failed.

“So… what do you think?” unable to keep quiet for much longer, you released the question into the ether with a permanent frown and a minimal level of conviction.

It seemed to be what Neil needed to wake up from the stupor. He shifted, pulled up his knees to his chin and eyed you with a bright gaze. The desire to look away rose with every minute, but you tried to endure it. Somehow.

“You’re brilliant. Do you know that?” the matter-of-fact tone threw you off kilter, bringing out an automatic (albeit manic) grin from its hiding back onto your face.

Neil mirrored the expression instantly, only widening your smile in the process. Feeling the need to move again, you flexed your calves, completing a set of rapid changements. Only once that was done you could attempt to answer the question.

“Maybe,” you shrugged, unwilling to stray onto that sort of honest territory just yet, “It doesn’t hurt to hear it again, though,” unable to ignore that one voice at the back of your head that had not been convinced, you asked, “Was it actually… good?” the emphasis on the word was automatic.

You could tell Neil saw right through your faux nonchalance as he smiled, a different type of fondness shining in his eyes. That, too, was best left alone for now. The observation was shelved among others of its kind in the darkest cavern of your brain. Ideally left alone for good, never to be touched or thought of again. Just in case.

Neil’s gaze never strayed from yours as he offered you an answer without a hint of exasperation:

“As far as my virgin eyes could tell, it was perfect,” the corner of his mouth rose in the makings of a familiar smirk.

It eradicated any illusions that he did not know what he was saying. Or the effect the sentence would have. You closed your eyes against the sight, hopelessly willing the inconvenient feelings to disappear.

By now, it was painfully clear that Neil could be a bastard when he wanted to. It was just another thing that you liked about him. Perhaps too much.

For a second, you debated following the easy way out he had offered. It would have been effortless to take up the tone and turn the conversation into yet another pleasant back-and-forth that could potentially lead you past the talking. Past that one kiss, that had lowkey driven you insane with the promise of potential.

But the doubts were still there. They still clouded your mind like a flock of hungry birds of prey hunting for a bite of flesh. And Neil was the only person you could talk to and know he would listen. That he would care. For some reason, it was a crucial thing to share. An important topic to raise. Here and now.

“Allow me to ignore that double entendre potential for a second,” your apologetic frown was accepted with a subtle nod and meaningful glance.

“You’re excused, Cupid,” Neil grinned, evidently taking pleasure from the nickname you became fond of.

Especially because it was him, who bestowed it on you.

“Thank you,” shaking off the sudden rush of affection, you completed the gratitude with a cheeky addition, returning Neil’s smirk, “Sir,” only once noted his answering blush, it was safe to delve into what you really wanted to tell him. You took a deep breath, completing half a pirouette to face the mirrors on the wall and asked, “Do you ever feel like you’re just constantly pretending? Like the whole ‘fake it till you make it’ deal, except you never stop faking it?” training your gaze on the hardwood floors, you stared at the tips of your pointe shoes.

The worn-out, ragged edges caught your attention for a split second. You took a mental note to break in the brand-new pair and prepare them for tomorrow’s show. On the periphery of your vision, you could see Neil’s reflection. You could feel him staring, the intense gazing boring holes in the back of your head. But not even that could make you turn and face him.

“Pretty much every day,” Neil’s reply made you look up, meeting his eyes in the reflection. That was not an answer you had expected, “I’ve found that sometimes, if you’re lucky, all that pretending can fool the brain, too,” he signed off the addition with another reassuring smile.

Still, the scepticism reigned free as an unbidden scoff tore from your throat, forcing you to swallow down the sudden desire to retreat from the conversation. Years of practice did not seem to share Neil’s thesis. Things never got easier. You doubted they ever would.

“I’d hope so. Except that, I’m not sure I am that lucky,” that was a given, an undeniable fact of life like the laws of physics or the ignorance of the Tories. Unchangeable. The familiar wave of frustration threatened to pull you down as you allowed the insecurities to speak their part,“I may appear as a fucking cool cat, confident and all, but… I’m not,” hearing the broken note in your voice, you swallowed hard, unable to look at Neil anymore. There was only one final thing to add, “And I wish I could be,”

There. The curtain has fallen, revealing the truth underneath. Now, it was clear Neil had no illusions left about you. No reason to think of you highly. Somehow, you felt lighter. Sure, still unable to meet his gaze, even in the reflection, but it was better that way. Now, when you did disappoint him somewhere along the line, for whatever reason, it would be much less surprising.

You had no doubts whether that moment of disappointment would happen. It always did.

“You have every right to be. Because you are” when Neil spoke, at first, you did not register it. His words flew right over your head before being caught by your heart, desperate to find anything to hold on to. Only then did you hear what he said. You looked up in time to see the remains of the fading blush on his cheeks, “If that even makes sense,” he shook his head slightly as if scolding himself over the awkward reassurance and stood up. The tense shoulders betrayed the lightness he still tried to emit, “Trust me when I say I feel useless and stupid every minute of every day,” the weariness in his voice clashed with the disbelief you felt when hearing what he said.

That made no sense. The turmoil made you turn around in a half-pirouette and face Neil with wide eyes and mouth agape. Your brain was experiencing severe computing issues, the smoke almost sizzling out through your open lips.

He was none of those things. You barely resisted the urge to close the miles between you and shake him by the shoulders, all the while screaming at him to stop saying such bullshit. You did not do any of those things.

“But you’re… you,” instead, you gestured vaguely towards him, armed with words that were not enough.

No words seemed to be apt to describe him. Neil was just… impossible. Ineffable in his wonderfulness. Much better than anyone you had ever known. But that was something you could not say. Not now.

“In my books, that’s not necessarily a good thing,” Neil glanced at you with tired eyes, kicking around at nothing as he slid across the parquet in his socks.

When you entered the studio, he started unlacing his shoes before you could protest. Said something about not wanting the cleaner to have more work. The comment made you smile too brightly before you excused yourself into the changing room and hid your face in the palms of your hands. That state didn’t seem to have passed.

In an effort not to do anything stupid, you backed away till you could feel the barre against your back. Only then you met his searching gaze and made sure to show Neil the extent of earnestness on your face:

“It is. I’ve never met anyone like you, Neil,” the admission was met with a surprised double-take, so you decided to soften the tone with a stupid addition, “The hottest priest in London and whatnot,” you did mean that one, too.

Neil’s huff of laughter felt like a dodged bullet.

“Funny,” the bright sparks in his eyes confirmed the praise with doubled force, making you turn back towards the mirror to avoid being blinded by the strength of his affection. That stuff could be dangerous, “You’re the hottest ballerina in London, so we’re even,” once you registered Neil’s words, the silky tone of his voice that had not been there just a second ago, you knew that trouble was coming.

Out of the corner of your eye, you could see him close the gap. The warmth settled in your cheeks as you felt the comfortable heat spread around your body. That pleasant anticipation ignited in your bones with every step Neil took. Somewhere, at the edges of reason and logic, you knew you still had a choice. You knew that whatever he had envisioned in his mind, could easily be stopped with one word from your side. What was the problem?

Mainly that you didn’t want him to stop. Did not want to cut short the moment slowly blooming into something crucial. You could feel it buzz beneath your skin as Neil took the final steps towards you and leaned in. His hands came to rest upon the barre, millimetres from yours. Not quite touching but enough so you could not ignore his presence. You could feel the heat from his body as Neil pressed his chest to your back and whispered into your ear:

“A cool cat,” in normal circumstances, the call-back to your rant would have made you laugh.

But those weren’t normal circumstances. Not with Neil’s proximity, his hands slowly tracing invisible lines up your arms. You could feel his breath on the nape of your neck, creating goosebumps effortlessly. And the thing was – this wasn’t anything new. It was far from the first time someone had done this. Far from the first time you had been tempted by someone who desired you. But it was the first time they seemed to take their time for it.

Your head felt dizzy with the revelation as Neil’s fingers lightly brushed the neckline of your bodice and journeyed down. It was a first in the fact that he did not even try touching your breasts, instead respectfully settling over your ribs and tapping a vague rhythm over your heated skin. Without searching your heart, you knew that you did not mind it. Not one bit.

You covered one of his palms with yours, firmly pressing it against your waist and raised your head to seek Neil’s gaze. He was already looking back at you, the blue eyes of his eyes dark and consumed with something you wanted to call hunger. The same feeling could be easily found on your face.

“Are you trying to seduce me?” you frowned at the hoarseness of your voice and the breathless tint to the question.

For the first time, it was impossible to fake your reaction. Impossible to pretend you were not affected. Neil’s answering smile, full of confidence and mischief, made that discovery seem fine. Not troubling at all.

“Is it working?” the warmth in his eyes made you feel safe, not threatened by the potential of what could happen.

Not viable to the pains of consequences. That seemed enough.

Enough to make you gently tug at his hand, asking for the freedom of movement to turn around and face him. Only then, with Neil’s curious gaze beaming down on you like a desirable spotlight, you placed his palm back on your waist and offered an honest reply:

“I think you already know,” as proof, you picked up his other hand and guided it to press against your chest, feeling the rapid heartbeat.

The wolfish grin you received in return was worth any leftover sense of shame and embarrassment. Neil leaned in, and just as you were about to close your eyes, awaiting another life-changing kiss, he left a promising peck on the edge of your jaw. On its own accord, your hand tightened over the wooden railing as you exposed your throat for his use.

Neil wasted no time leaving a trail of kisses down the slope of your neck, only just being careful enough not to leave marks. Each kiss felt like a hot poker pressed against the tender skin of your neck, blazing hot and impossible to shake off. You closed your eyes, letting the sense take in the sensation of his tender care. Of the contrasting burn of stubble, scratching at your skin with a delicious sting.

Every kiss took time, only then to be sealed with a lick of his tongue, eliciting your quiet gasps and barely kept in groans of pleasure. The wave of insanity rose, threatening to take over your brain, save for one consistent thought. One revelation.

No one had cared this much before.

Letting go of his hand, you tangled your fingers in his golden strands, lightly tugging to gain his attention. The answering groan was sure to enter the library of sounds and images you liked to relieve in private. But before you could attempt to formulate the desire painted across your face, the door to the studio creaked, disrupting the silence.

You gasped in shock as Neil took half a step back, warily eyeing the doorway. A thousand curses lodged themselves in your throat as a silhouette of an older man, armed with a bucket and a mop, peered inside the room with a scowl. Fucking Rich, the Janitor.

The older man scanned you both from head to toe and sighed.

“It’s closing time, kids. Go home,” his gravelly voice acted like the much-needed bucket of cold water.

As he turned back towards the darkness of the corridor, you met Neil’s eyes. The depths of exasperation visible there told you this business was far from over. You certainly hoped so.

#neil tenet #tenet movie #tenet #tenet 2020 #neil tenet x reader #neil tenet fanfic #neil x reader #neil tenet imagine #tenet fanfic #robert pattinson #robert pattinson x reader #robert pattinson x you #robert pattinson x y/n #robert pattinson imagine #deadlines & commitments

[pallastrology]

lovely little things for your sign

artwork by theodor petter

valentine's day is coming up, so here are some nice little things we can do to pamper and show some appreciation for ourselves. i tried to think of free activities, because times are tough for us all right now. use whichever placements resonate for you, this is just for fun so don't treat it too seriously <3

aries: dance party! maybe it sounds silly, but moving your body (in whatever way feels best for you) can be really helpful. it wakes you up, helps regulate your nervous system, gets the blood pumping a bit and can be mentally uplifting. never mind how good it feels to blast some music and just let go of fear and inhibition for a minute...

taurus: spa session. this doesn't need to be a big fancy thing, but it's always nice to spend a bit of time pampering yourself. take a bath or shower, cut up some fruit, make a herbal tea or get a sparkling water, and then whip out some moisturiser or a deep conditioner. you could even make yourself a DIY face mask if you're feeling creative. paint your nails, listen to calming music, and just spend some time showing your body a bit of love...

gemini: start a diary. whether you get out that notebook you've been saving for three years (we all have one, there's no shame here) or just use your phone's notepad app, set aside a little bit of time to do some journaling. it's a really useful habit for a multitude of reasons, and you might find you feel lighter after you've put your thoughts to the page. going back through old journals can be affirming, emotional and even inspiring, so make sure to keep your writings safe...

cancer: get cosy! it's easy to get overwhelmed with life, especially when you can't get any time to yourself. so if you can, set aside a bit of time that suits you and just get comfortable. whether that's something like watching your cat play while you nurse a cup of tea, watching a comfort show with snacks and pjs, sinking into a book, whatever. do something that's just for you, and let yourself indulge a little bit...

leo: be nice to yourself. it's often easier to bully yourself than it is to be kind to yourself, but there's nothing conceited or big-headed about being proud of yourself and your accomplishments, acknowledging both your faults and your strengths, and treating yourself with the same kindness and respect you treat your loved ones with. in fact, it will help you to feel, think and do better, if you treat yourself better. so be your own biggest cheerleader, and take stock of the good in your life...

virgo: take a moment to recentre. when times get tough, it's easy to neglect your wellbeing. so now, take some time out of your day to work on a healthy routine; not one of the 'influencer' routines you see on social media, but a simple and sustainable routine that helps you feel a little bit better. even if means something 'little' like going through a checklist when you feel you're about to explode, feeling just 10% better can make your life run a lot smoother, and leave you feeling more grounded and able to enjoy your days...

libra: connect with someone. life can be very isolating, and it's easy to miss out on connection with people when most of our interactions are shunted through social media. try reaching out to a loved one and having a conversation; it doesn't have to be in person if you can't do that right now, but rather than just sending a meme or liking a post, have a real talk with someone you care about. a good chat with a friend won't cure all your problems, but it can lead to inspiration, connection and feeling that life is actually okay...

scorpio: dive into something. let your natural curiosity out to explore. it's always good to exercise your brain, but researching a new topic and studying it in depth will help develop your imaginative and creative side, as well as your intellectual one. you might gain a new skill or interest, you might not; but the day will pass anyway, might as well pass it learning something new. the more out-there the better, try a wikipedia rabbit hole or a video essay that changes you...

sagittarius: share your thoughts. not necessarily with another person, or on a blog, or your instagram stories... but write yourself a letter, do some journaling, talk to a friend. if you like posting on socials, by all means do that! there's no wrong way to document and share your thoughts, so get them out there. it's good to let go of what's in our heads, especially when life is getting overwhelming and you're feeling stuck or bogged down. it can be therapeutic and enlightening to translate your thoughts into words and release them into the world...

capricorn: let yourself relax. life is tough, and so are you, but you don't need to be strong all the time. it's okay to soften up and just be, without productivity, without stoicism, without being cool and collected. being human means experiencing the full range of emotions, good and bad, and it means energy ebbing and flowing over time. take a break, find a balance, and let yourself be vulnerable and soft, just for a change...

aquarius: reach out. whether that's checking in with a loved one, volunteering, caring for an animal, donating or promoting a good cause... it feels good to do good, and brings us more in line with ourselves to help others in some way. so do some googling, find a good cause that's practical for you to join up with, and take a step towards altruism. there are so many benefits to helping your community, both for yourself and for your world...

pisces: get some quality rest. easier said than done, right? but rest is one of the most important things we can do for ourselves. even if you struggle to get decent sleep for whatever reason, there are little things you can do to feel more rested. make your room a bit cooler and darker, focus on relaxing (whatever that looks like for you) before bed, take a nap if you need one, stretch out the tension in your body, or just take a break from your day to consciously relax and breathe, without expectation...

#pallastrology #astrology #astro community #astrology blog #astrology post #self care for the signs #self care #mental health

[vivalgi]

Damn how disappointed I was upon seeing that COP proposal special. I guess I forgot the demographics this app was made for but I had imagined a completely different scenario than this silly 2-chapter side quest.

I mean, it's a book about a duo who are both gender of choice. Why go for the stereotypical 'the LI proposes to the MC' trope and not something more original for a change? We don't have many GOC books involving engagement and marriage anyway and the few past ones were so obviously made with female MC and male LI in mind.

I'm having trouble coming up with that one time in the history of Choices where our character was the one making a huge romantic gesture. It's always been the LIs who organize dates, surprises and pamper the MCs in other ways. It would have been much cooler if the engagement was a huge part of the 3rd book where instead of Trystan being the typical Prince Charming/Knight in Shining Armor it would have been our usually serious detective MC trying to come out of their shell and be the romantic one instead.

Between solving crimes they could have been trying to plan a perfect proposal and it would have all gone to hell so the proposal would have taken place in the most unexpected place at the most unexpected time and perhaps Trystan would have surprised with their own ring at the same time because somehow that fkr knew about the MC's plans. Or maybe it's just missing Lovestruck hours because that's roughly how it all went down in Vanessa's route 😅

But I guess PB had to give someone about to be laid off a short task to come up with a stupid engagement special to keep them busy until the doomsday. Book 3 will probably be a diamond spending spree, i.e. your typical Choices wedding book where it's the MC's job to pick the venue, dresses, cake designs etc. 🥱😪

#playchoices #pixelberry #choices stories you play #crimes of passion

[iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia]

seeing all these posts of everyone joining the weekly event makes me really happy, yet also feeling pretty blue myself; I wish that I could join but exams are coming up this month already and also I'm already piled with schoolworks 🥺💦 #collegelayf

but anyway I just couldn't stop myself from messaging you because I was just over the moon (even that is really an understatement) from just you noticing and even liking my very first post of Julian and my MC just being sweet together, firstt! you don't know how much it means to me to see that when I first opened the app first thing in the morninggg 😭💘💘 thank you so muchh!!

this whole message may be silly and I'm sorry for bothering you with this, but I just want you to know that I have the deepest admiration and respect for you and everything you've done for this fandom ♡ never would I miss a day to check your blog for updates or really just reread HCs from your masterlist and not once have they failed with making my day and taking all my feelings of stress away just reading them all!

💝💝💝

o(*꒦ິ꒳꒦ີ)o thank you so very much again, and please always take care! wish you and everyone a great happy and safe year! ! <333

(apologies if my message seems messy, my English is not perfect ōvq </3)

@mellowielixaa this is one of those messages that I'm going to hoard for years, thank you so much T~T

First off, please don't pressure yourself to create!! If you ever do, I'll be so delighted to see it, but that shouldn't come at a cost to your lovely lovely self ^.^

Second, it means so much to me to know that the stuff I write is so appreciated! I've mentioned this before, but being able to scroll through pages of people's creative content has been the thing that kept me afloat in the past, and it's such a privilege to pass the favor along in any small way :)

Third, please never hesitate to reach out again! A letter like this is such an honor - and the fact that you went out of your way to share joy like this says so so much. I hope you have an incredible year too, friend!!

#ask arcana brainrot

[cheolhub]

It's award season (unconfirmed)! Give some of your mutuals silly little awards.

OHAMSHAHGE OMG HOW EXCITING

award for being the most beautiful and talented person ive ever had the pleasure of knowing goes to🥇 @ncteez !!! HON, my lover, my wife, you are my favorite writer and artist and overall person, i love you so so so much. you’re also always taking care of me and it makes me want to get on a plane and give u a big smooch 🙈 miss u dearly, please come home to me soon </3

BEST YANDERE GOES TO @jeonghantis BRHSH im kidding dbbs. keir, there’s never a dull moment w you, so you get bestest friend award because there is no one who puts up with my annoying ass the way you do. you read over my shit, you laugh at my corny jokes, you let me be h word with u and best of all, u let me read ur heaven-sent work before anyone else — U ARE SO AMAZING I LOVE U SO MUCH

fastest writer goes to @toruro… im so envious of you actually 😭 you write so much and it’s all good content like you’re crazy (in a good way ofc) but i love u and ur work and ur so wonderful to me.

@hwanghyunjinenthusiast gets the award for being the biggest supporter!! RJ I SERIOUSLY ALWAYS LOOM FORWARD TO UR REBLOGS. i love you, thank u for always reblogging my fics with 30 funny ass reaction photos and for making me feel like im a good writer 🥹

kai (@lovelyhan) gets the sweetest person award but also the “im really jealous of u bc all ur works are toe-curling and you make me really nervous” award. i dont think i need to explain, the award says it all 🙊

@baeksbyunny BIGGEST BAEKHYUN/TAEIL/HAECHAN LOVER AWARD AND ALSO THE AWARD FOR BEING THE FRIENDLIEST AND LOVELIEST PERSON TO EVER EXIST. bex, seriously, i feel so taken care of every time we talk and i love u

@agustdiv1ne TWIN AWARD!!! we are literally clone copies of each other, i feel. we are both 5’5, both like choi san & p1h, and we are both obsessed with bf!yeonjun. I WANT TO TALK TO U MOREEEEE, if u have discord, add me 🤬 ill finally be able to send u my txt vids

@majestyjun BEST TXT BLOG THAT THIS APP HAS EVER SEEN GOES TO MILLS. my txt bias is actually millie, i have no idea who soobin is. no but seriously everything u write is so vsgwvevwhw i love it, i love ur blog 🫡

@rubyreduji gets the i wanna be ur friend award bc i always see ur posts on my dash and i wanna interact but i have crippling anxiety and literally dont know how to talk to people first 🤣

@hyuk4ngel gets the best ideas award… u know why… ur brain is massive and all my gyu fics are bc of u. ILY THANK U

@honeyhypen SWEETEST ANGEL BABY AWARD. MY LOVE, HONEY, u are everything to me. i am actually so happy i found you bc u are literally are like a breath of fresh air to me, idk what it is.

@heesbaby BEST SMAU’s AWARD BC OMG?! i usually dont read them but urs?! URS….. omg anyway also love of my life award. like seriously i love u. i wanna talk to u more so bad burgwgwgev i get nervous >< im getting back into enha tho and have no one to talk to abt it ….. so 🙊

#seriously every single one of my moots deserves a moot #an award * #im so sorry idk why my brain isnt workinghshebe #ANYWAY I MIGHT DO ANOTHER ONE LATER WITH MORE MOOTS BC I WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE THEM #[💌: anon]

[sharkpupsblog]

😈 Brand New Person ‼️ PART (1/6)

A Dark Riders and Dark Rider! Aideen! GN! Reader fanfic!

Hi!!! 😭😭😭 it’s been so long since I’ve been able to post a fic and my app is glitching so I’m posting this from the browser rn 💀 its so hard for me to post anything from the browser I hope my app gets fixed soon 😭 I edited the grammar by myself again so pls let me know how that went! English isn’t my first language so i’m trying to get better at grammar 😭💔 anyways this will have many silly parts.. how many? I think 3? I am going for 3! But if I go over it that’s totally cool bcs I love writing so silly!!! tysm @ barricade-moonriser for the request!!! :D so sorry it took so long 😭💔

Summary: after being left behind by your friends to die you make a big decision. Warnings: explosion, injuries caused by the explosion and talks of them.

Your ears ring and your body hurts as you try to get up. You slip, and fall onto your knees making the pain in your legs and body worse. You let out a quiet weak scream your throat hurts the pain doesn’t allow you to be loud. One leg hurts more than the other you’re sure its broken due to the horrible pain in it. You look around trying to call for someone, but your throat still doesn’t allow you to do more than whisper. You’re cold and scared and you can’t see anything because a bunch of smoke covers where you are. All of the smoke came from a small explosion of Drakonium. You were in the valley gathering it with your friends then the Dark Riders came wanting what you were gathering. Everything went downhill from there. All you could remember from before the explosion was Alex aiming for Jay, the attack missing said woman, and hitting a pile near you causing it to explode. Thankfully, your horse wasn’t with you they were with Lisa so only you got hurt… Your horse… You wondered if they were still around. You opened your mouth trying to call out for them, but you couldn’t manage more than a whisper. You tried again still failing to raise your voice. You needed your horse to be able get out of where you were. You were hurt and in the Valley of the Hidden Dinosaur. If you didn’t find a way out of the Valley soon you would most likely freeze to death, or be prey to any predators around. The thought of death scared you, so you called for your horse again. When you realized there was no point in calling out since your horse wouldn’t hear your weak whispered calls you burst into tears. You were scared, cold, and hurt so you cried not knowing what else to do. You hugged yourself trying to keep warm, and you thought about what to do. You sat on the ice shaking, and crying as you tried to come up with something. While you cried your ears were slowly recovering from the ringing, but you feared that it wouldn’t completely go away. The explosion must have really messed you up. You wiped your tears, but they kept on coming you were unable to calm yourself. As you tried to at least stop shivering you heard something hidden in the smoke. “Poor little Soul Rider” you heard a sad tone in the voice “left all alone in the cold.” You looked around trying to figure out where the voice was coming from your shaking getting worse as a stronger fear hit you. “I saw your friends leave you” the voice was getting closer “they didn’t even look back as they rode away leaving you behind to die” that couldn’t be true. There was no way your friends left you. Surely the voice had it all wrong your friends were coming back soon with help… right? “How long has it been?” The voice asked you, and you had no idea what it was talking about. “Since you woke up all alone out here in the cold?” You frowned knowing it had been a while… As much as you’d like to say they were… The truth was your friends weren’t coming back for you “they’re not coming back for you are they?” Did the person to whom the voice belonged to read your mind somehow? “They left you.” The voice went quiet, and for a few seconds you heard nothing… Then you heard hooves on ice, and you smiled widely as you saw your horse run out of the smoke. Your horse neighed carefully running to you and once they got near you they slid to a stop sliding right next to you. You let out a quiet raspy laugh as your horse stopped themselves from sliding, and they sniffed you messing with your hair. You stopped crying as you were comforted by your horse and the thought that you could now get out of the valley. You were so busy with your horse, and the hope of survival that you didn’t realize the source of the voice was behind you. “Are you hurt?”

You jumped as the voice spoke from behind you receiving a worser scare when you saw to whom the voice belonged to. Katja stood over you looking down at you she saw how scared you were, and she knew she needed to be careful. “Are you hurt?” She repeated to you watching as your expression went from scared to an attempt at looking like you were still strong and ready to fight her, but she knew that beneath your stupid attempt at being threatening you were scared and wounded. “You can stop pretending” her palm glowed blue as she gathered magic to heal you “I know how you truly feel and if I wanted to hurt you, I would have done so earlier.” Your horse neighed softly, and you were shocked losing your try at a threatening expression as they used their snout to push you near Katja. Why was your horse doing this? Had Katja brainwashed them or something? “I found your horse for you” Katja looked annoyed, and she took a pause before saying “You’re welcome by the way” in a slightly angry tone. She kneeled down in front of you trying to be at your level in an attempt to look less threatening. The woman knew it worked when you relaxed a bit, and you opened your mouth to speak “thank you” you rasped out to her earning a pleased hum from Katja. Why were you saying thank you to your enemy? What the hell was wrong with you? Maybe the cold and the explosion affected you more than you knew. You watched as Katja put the hand with magic in it near you. You scooted back a bit not knowing whether to allow her to work her magic or to use your other leg to kick her away. “I can heal you” she saw how badly your leg was hurt “I assure you I have no evil intention.” You looked back at your horse, and they neighed bobbing their head up and down as if they were saying ‘you can trust her.’ Katja watched your horse as you decided what to do. You decided to let her heal you. You were desperate to get out of the cold, and to stop the pain in your leg, so you asked Katja to please help you. The witch healed your leg, and once you were ready, she helped you stand up telling you that you were free to go, and that she really didn’t want anything from you, but to her surprise you stayed. You were grateful for what Katja did for you and your horse. She could have killed you, but she helped you, and after she told you how your friends left you out in the cold to die you were sure you didn’t want to go back to them. The witch had done more for you than your “friends” had, and you were extremely grateful. “You can come with me” Katja was moving onto the next part of the plan she didn’t do all this from the kindness of her heart. She was following a plan made by Jay to get you to join their side “you can join the Dark Riders” she knew who you were Sands had told everyone… They all knew Aideen walked Jorvik again. “We will care for you I’ll heal you everytime you get hurt I won’t leave you” she held a hand out. The hand was covered by her sleeve protecting you from frostbite. “What do you say? Will you join us?” You stood still for a second processing her offer, and after all she had done for you how could you refuse? You walked forward shaking her hand accepting the offer. You and your horse were now part of Garnok’s team. 

TY FOR READING !!! ❤️😭 ALSO POSTING AND EDITING ON THE BROWSER IS SO HARD . I NEED MY APP TO BE FIXED NOW BCS THERES NO WAY IM DOING THIS EACH TIME I POST SILLY FIC 😭😭😭😭

#ssoblr #ssofanfic #star stable online #katjasso #sharkpupsblogwrites!‼️🗣

[misscammiedawn]

I am doing the asking thing!

(instead of working but shhhhh)

What's one elaborate — as in, requires a lot of setup and negotiation — scene idea that's been knowing around your brain / that you've always wanted to try? :)

Answering instead of working x.x;

You caught me in Cammie headspace so Imma answer from a hypnotee perspective! There's 10000% stuff Dawn has been kicking about for months if not years though-- silly Fae thinks she can top the kidnapping scene--- it's not possible!

Okay, okay, for Dawn it's the synesthesia conditioning she wants to do-- try to work on the idea of seeing sounds and colors and trying to paint every sense as to be overwhelmed by lavender-- you see a lavender filter-- smell lavender-- taste lavender-- feel the plumes of lavender mist against your skin - hear lavender (what would it sound like? Why-- Miss Dawn's voice of course! Miss Dawn's voice is lavender and lavender is the scent of Miss Dawn's hypnosis and so you can just feel it filling your senses-- feel HER filling your senses--)

It's an intense scene and she's working on it! But she wants to try it sometime <3

ANYWAY!

Hypnotee planning is not hypnotist planning-- you gotta approach things from a different angle. Maybe it's just me? IDK

See when a hypnotist plans a scene they start with practical ideas, results and potentially who they intend to work with and it's like solving a puzzle layer by layer--

With a hypnotee you start with what you want to feel and what you want to experience and work to fill in the blanks! Sometimes the idea is "I wanna be hypnotized to become the lovely assistant in a stage show" which is the seed and then you grow it with the little things "I wanna be put in an outfit" "I wanna feel like I'm the only person in a packed audience, chosen above all else and turned into the hypnotist's prized and shown off trinket" etc etc--

It grows from the initial prompt and you start filling it in with fantasy and then start weighing it down with reality-- I think Dawn starts with reality and starts adding fantasy to it-- I dunno-- it's just funny how our brain works on this sorta stuff

My big want atm is one I am going to *get* on Friday!

Imaginatrix did a Twitter post that Stardazer turned into a comic about starring at a spiral app on a phone in the middle of Trafalgar Square in Central London-- our city!

The intimacy of being the only two people in a crowded venue, the ambience of the city sounds and running water of the fountain just becoming muted? The leaning against a partner and melting into them as you stare-- it's so-- so *intimate* and I want that

I think I'll mentally retreat to London while I'm there-- just get overwhelmed by it all--

I can't wait!

I know there's also the sword chin lift scene (Dawn has a take on it too) that is gonna happen this week too!

Really-- between all that-- the Masquerade stuff at Beguiled-- the kidnapping scene from 2021-- the vampire ball--

I'm kinda lucky that Big Scenes are just a thing we get to do? I'm so so lucky!

#cammie asks #hypno asks #hypnokink #daja <3 #scene suggestions #his heart grew SIX sizes that day

[shu-ramyeonz]

so are we getting the titles thing

replying to this anon, sorry for anyone uncfomortable with being tagged KGVHJFUGHB i will bow down and teleport to ur house to worship you in return - btw ty for this question , it seems super interesting 😭😭 ive never done anything like this before idrk how this will work side note: these are only ppl ik, i obviously havent talked to EVERYONE on enhablr so im so sorry, also ill be making my moots list soon so expect to be tagged once more IM SORRY JASOFJJDID

@heeseongism - enhablr’s it girl: i have explain this before but the unnecessary hate for being funny AND pretty just proves that shes a celebrity atp

@jaylaxies - enhablr’s leader: yk the 4th gen leader things, i rlly dont think ur on enhablr if u dont know aria, shes honestly the ariana grande of this app ( OH SHIT I JUST REALIZED THERES ARIA IN ARIANA, praise my play on words pls ) anyways she literally is our president KEOSIDUSJ and shes so humble despite being one of the biggest blogs give this woman an award

@hee-pster - enhablr’s first love: not just cuz she was one of my first friends but she just gives off those vibes , plus her smuts are unforgettable like ur first love, also she cant be replaced ( no matter how many rebounds u try to find THERE IS ONLY ONE JAN ) shes so unique and also so mature too UGH CMON everyones ideal type srsly

@svnoohe4rts - enhablr’s sunshine: shes honestly so cute and KOSJDONS idk i love her sm , shes just super silly and easy going i feel like if she walked past me id melt into the floor, she just makes everyones day

@aminatalks - enhablr’s baby: idk dont ask me, this is a genereliazed statement but everyone honestly just loves amina cmon now, shes so precious everyone here TREASURES this woman and im ready to defend her 24/7

@end-hyphen - enhablr’s older sister: i was gonna go for enhablr’s best friend, i think that fits too - but little sister fits better because she’s always there to listen and she’s superrrrrr supportive, the no.1 hype girl honestly, she’s just super funny and chill and someone ppl feel safe w

@donghoonie-3 - enhablr’s icon: she just inspires so many people, and makes everyone day honestly, everything she says makes me laugh but also dont be distracted bcuz she has the most sexy asf hard thoughts?? then somehow shes the sweetest funniest person after?? duality indeed

@forjongseong - enhablr’s girlboss: she has NOOOOOO misses on any of her posts/comments/interactions, super interesting to talk too and also she’s so mature while also being so friendly? she’s just the type of girl id envy if i saw her cuz she has such an amazing personality and she is the sweetest person on this app, HER AND ONLY HER END OF CONVO

@thots4hee - enhablr’s angel: once again dont be fooled bcuz when she gets horny she gets WHOREEEEEENYYYYY, but aside from that she’s so funny and sweet and she talks in the most precious way i need to put her in my pocket fr

@hyunjinsr - enhablr’s happy virus : honestly she just has an adorable smile and she’s so wholesome to talk to, i feel like knowing/seeing her happy just makes me happy too and she adds sm positivity to the dashboard its INSANE how a person can make my day

@criceofpain - enhablr’s happy pill: this one is different bcuz she’s so funny to me, specially when she talks in filo and she just swears like 100x million times, she also writes smuts that make me wanna drown myself bcuz its THAT GOOD,

@vivvys - enhablr’s sassy/duality queen: i dont think ppl understand, viv is so so insanely funny, shes up there when it comes to people who have made me laugh, LIKE A LAUGH NOT JUST A “hehe thats funni” a real “BWGAHSHSKASHA” ykwim? but then i see her defend herself and her friends and speak out on what she believes in and it’s like okay she will not take y’alls disrespect, she’s also the coolest person ever, like i idolize her honestly

@jojayke - enhablr’s little brother: WE HAVENT TALKED ONCE LMFAO, but i do follow his blog and support on the sidelines thru anons, but anyway i feel like ely is just such an amazinggggggggg writer that its like seeing ur little brother grow up to be such a talented and creative person? how honestly pls step up to the mic and teach us how 🎤🎤

#GIVE UR FRIENDS TITLES #dont kill me pls #anyways take this w a grain of salt #but also dont cuz i had to wrack ny brain and why was there literally REPEATED anons copy pasting a in my inbox #shufie; talks

[floralpunkbarton]

i took a melatonin and i'm trying not to dive back into the fic series i'm in the middle of reading so i get some sleep so have some of the 911 fic plots i'm kicking around that i'm not gonna write

0.5. i joked about it on twitter but the 100% spite fic is the college au buck/eddie/ana/taylor polycule bc the 911 fandom refuses to be normal about women

1. don't ask how much of this is goofed out in a text chain and def don't ask about the bits i've actually written in my notes app but a post buck/eddie get together fic where buck shannon and ana hang out to watch the bachelor together and eddie is so baffled that he calls taylor up and they become incredibly mean friends, and also ali is invited eventually to make the sides even.

i also wanted to give them a hobby to contrast the bachelor and due to space camp's current aew meltdown i wanted it to be going to amateur wrestling. the idea of eddie being bitchy about how into awful homegrown luchadores taylor is just delights me to no end.

this plot is like. 75% spite about how the 911 fandom can't be normal about women. anyway.

2. everyone has written these beautiful soul searching and sometimes incredibly funny fics about eddie getting therapy and losing his repression and realizing he's gay and that's okay but i made myself INCREDIBLY verklempt the other morning thinking about this type of fic but what if eddie was born a girl and the repression lifted and he had to deal with figuring out he's a trans man in his thirties.

any canon compliance quickly falls away here when i factor in chris (can't get his enlistment to make any sense in this fic idea but boy i can give him PLENTY of other trauma) and it gets a little too complicated but god it would be so self indulgent and maybe a little self healing to bang this one out

3. i've spent like the past week thinking very seriously about how to make a mostly canon-compliant shannon lives buck/eddie/shannon au work. the answer mostly comes around to i'd have fuck canon up more than a little bit but god i want it so bad there's like basically zero poly fic in the 911 tag i'm Suffering. spoiled by transformers once again i miss TRINES goddammit

anyway currently the canon fucking i'm taken with the most is that post discharge when shannon asks them to go to la to take care of her mom eddie goes and while it's not perfect by any means they're trying, in a way they couldn't in texas, and it works almost and then buck just. crashes into their lives either by way of the canon timeline from that point on or i fuck with it a little more and they meet earlier idk idk but he crashes in and suddenly it works and it's less trying and more just being and then they have to figure out what to do with THAT fact but they DO figure it out and they just. get to be happy.

i wish i had the attention span to write that one a little bit but it would be like 90k of relationship navigation and polyamory negotiations and another 10k of awful silly jokes and situations if i had the ability

#911 meltdown 2k23

[dunmer-pussy]

im gonna have this post tagged appropriately (obviously) so filter tags if you need to, it's also not in the main tags for this reason, but I need to be a bit serious here for a second, on my own post. I'm gonna openly talk abt my mental health and some struggles, so if ur sensitive of those things mind the tags. this might not make sense because I'm very emotionally charged rn.

you probably know me as cayde. yeah that's me. I'm 18 going on 19 in may, and I've struggled with severe mental health issues on and off for as long as i can remember. severe anxiety, being a social outcast, etc etc. My home life wasn't also the prettiest. So yeah, I'm fucked up. But aren't we all in our own way? Anyways.

My fucked upness was a result of the school environment I grew up in, where I was mistreated both by teachers and peers alike. I've mostly missed the window for developing some essential social skills, on top of being neurodivergent. and it's still something I'm struggling with to this day.

on top of that and because of all the bullying i incurred i became incredibly suicidal. while the bullying has stopped as I've been out of high school for almost a year now, but the on-and-off waves of intense suicidal thoughts and ideation hasn't faded. primarily because of. well. this is something i had to deal with for the brunt of my life. so you can probably assume why i was still dealing with the aftermath.

it was also the fact i was struggling to come out to my parents, even though it's gonna be 3 years since i came out as of June. even tho i came out my parents are still struggling to adjust, which is understandable, and my mom is actively trying to shelter me from all the bad of being trans.

which, i don't blame her, one of my uncle Michael's (gay) friends (trans woman) was beaten to death on the side of the road and she has a pink triangle over where it happened. even though it was decades ago some things never change. and America is a perfect example.

I went from being suicidal for the bullying i was victim to, to suicidal because of the stuff i was experiencing for and about being trans. and in recent days it's been worse than it's ever been, all the shit that's all over my tiktok page isn't helping. I've been considering detransitioning just for my safety. it's hard, in other words.

now. destiny comes into my life sometime in august because of one of my friends. i start playing it, i get invested. the story gripped me, spoke to me deeply, etc etc. and it started helping me. destiny quickly became my safe space, I've started to get over my social ineptitude, and i find myself turning to it during these times of hardship.

and then there's certain quotes, certain elements. "You are alive, Guardian. Fight like it." Even something as small as Drifer saying, "I'm proud of you," or Shaxx and his "I SAID RELAX!" or that one line from paper fortune in d1 -- "When all is lost, you are still a Guardian, and you are still enough."

I've given myself a one-year time limit to live, because of the active genocide against trans people on top of everything else. I've got 364 days left. and after that, if I'm not too lazy, I'm gone. i just want to be around long enough to see the final shape, I'm holding onto destiny like a lifeline. maybe I'll save myself over this year. maybe not.

but then i see things like the aforementioned quote. and how someone said to me, "We already lost one Cayde. we're not losing another." and that alone is enough to make me reconsider my 364-day time limit. Folding was never an option. And i reconsider.

this game is saving my life. it's silly, it's stupid, it might be cringe, you can make fun of me and compare me to that one south park episode about world of warcraft i was exposed to against my will on the aforementioned clock app. but this game is genuinely stopping me from killing myself (which I'm surprised i didn't earlier but then again I'm so done i just cant be bothered). and that has to amount to something.

this game makes me feel bigger, stronger than my illnesses. stronger than my struggles. a broken sense of hope. and it's teaching me to lean back on others. to let people in. I'm haunted, but i can be strong. i can be better. I'm not thriving, but I'm surviving, and that's what matters.

and i wonder if the ppl behind this game know that this is the effect they're having. a severely mentally ill stunted kid is healing and growing through their game. I'm getting strength. i wont say I'm getting my strength back because i never had that strength to begin with. but I'm learning that strength.

this game is saving me.

#suicide mention tw #suicide mention #suicide tw #caydeposting

[crimsonblackrose]

tagged by @le-red-queen thank you for tag! (Hope your move has gone well! 💖)

3 ships: Lawrusso...uh...hmm...it feels silly if they’re all CK/TKK but I guess I’ve been enjoying writing lawguichi and I assume I’ll enjoy whatever I write next. Uh but I guess that’s sort of phoning it in so I do always enjoy Hannigram and I was going to pick an anime ship but then like twenty jumped to the forefront of my mind all of a sudden like opening a can of joke peanuts so I’ll just pick Tiger and Bunny though I haven’t watched the new season and I think I missed a movie.

1st ever ship: I’m wracking my brain for that one I honestly don’t remember. Like I remember my first fanfiction I ever read because an upperclassman just printed out a fic and shoved it in my hands and was like read this and it was sonic/shadow and I was like wtf is this? Because I didn’t even play the games really so I had no context for what I was reading and it was kind of like someone just threw me into the deep end of the pool. 😂 Maybe like Misty and Ash from pokemon? 😂

Last song: SCREAMING you will not believe this dear friend, but I pulled up the song I was listening to on youtube and guess whose in the music video? Mary Mouser. Tw for her great acting skills while she simulates drowning in a bathtub and being trapped under glass in a bathtub. Anyway here’s Pierce the Veil’s Emergency Contact

Currently reading: Comments so I can respond to them. I’m behind by five pages I think. But I’ve got an 8 hour train ride ahead of me, actually longer because then I have to take another one home. So I’m hoping to catch up though I also brought magazines and a little kids coloring book that my cousin gave me when I went to her kids birthday party. 😂 Also reading job postings and applying for as many of those as possible. Trying to be productive.

But the actual book I’m reading atm is Queen of Shadows, we’ve been slowly trudging through the series for book club. My app says I’ve got 6 hours left, those books are massive which you don’t notice until you hold the physical book in your hands, and since I’m reading them on an app I never notice.

Last movie: Bad Moms, I’d already seen it but my sisters wanted to watch something so I watched it while doing other things. I’m hoping to watch the new Matilda movie when I get home tonight, I saw the show in London a long time ago and am curious how it compares. Plus Matilda is like my childhood favorite book/movie/story.

Currently consuming: Starbucks mocha frappuccino and some pumpkin scones from a mix I made a couple of days ago.

Currently watching: I just finished Letterkenny and Wednesday and tried picking up Leverage Redemption again but it’s got annoying ads every five seconds so I don’t know if I’ll make it very far so I started The Bear.

Currently craving: a full time job and my own place. 😅 Freedom and independence I suppose is what that boils down to. So we’ll see how it goes this year. Tagging (I don’t know whose done this and been tagged so I apologize if you just got tagged in this): @ziltoid-coffee @coldcompanion @hatethatoneguy @youandthemountains @macchiatosdumptruck

#mumblings #tag games

[peachfuzznygma]

ahhhhh okay hi me again

firstly, I LOVE THAT YOU HAVE LETTERBOXD! I adore that app! I used to look through the lists during uni lectures that were boring to feel something hehe

secondly, that's exactly how I feel about jim carrey's riddler! i think people forget that the original batman series and the comics are meant to be fun and comic-y, and that it's okay to not take yourself so seriously all the time, so personally, i adore jim carrey and cory michael smith's riddlers with all my heart (undecided on paul dano)

thirdly, I HAD NEVER CONSIDERED THE GENDER ENVY HC AND I AM NOW OBSESSED WITH IT!?!?!?!?!?! you're so right and I love you for it ahhh, it makes me incredible happy that both the riddlers above have a "glow up" where they get to dress fancy and be the person they want to be instead of the repressed versions of themselves society has made them think they have to be (i'm jealous)

anyway, now i'm just rambling, but thank you for being a fellow riddler lover, and for wanting to chat! i really enjoy talking with you, you're literally such a sweetheart 💚

(and I love my pop set! i only got it june last year but it makes me incredibly happy - and motivates me a lot when i'm studying or writing. i hope you can get one too :D)

i love letterboxd so much!!! changed how i watch films (idk is it in a good way or a bad way. maybe both)

yess!!! the ogs are meant to be fun. and i think some people forget that. especially the filmbro dc fans. i think that’s why we haven’t had many campy dc films lately. the majority just doesn’t like fun and camp smh. i love both equally but i do miss the colors and silliness sometimes

and you’re welcome for the new hc :3 now you can rewatch the film and think “ahhhh i see it”. I LOVE THE GLOW UPS TOO!!!

you’re always welcome to ramble about riddler (or anything else) in my askbox!!! i love talking about him

#💚 anon

[crazyufokid]

HONESTLY the main reason why people incorrectly believing that zim isn't an adult despite jhonen literally saying he's not a kid several times upsets me has nothing to do with shipping. at all.

,,,well- it kind of does ?? in a way if u even wanna count it as that

it's merely a personal reason u see. i've never vocalized how i feel about it cuz of just how personal it is (aka doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things level of personal). every time i find myself in a new fandom i have always shipped myself with a character. u see where im going with this right. this time around it is zimmy. and, as you all probably know, i am not a kid either. what i am though is small and silly. i mention that because i have seen someone use being "small and silly" as a reason for why they think zim is a kid, and that made me indirectly feel a bit insecure about myself? now, i don't expect anybody to change how they think about things just to cater to my wants. NOT AT ALL. don't change yourself cuz one single person on the internet said they didn't like it. but i still very much feel this way? ya know?

so anyways to reiterate my current latest addition to my pinned post, do not follow me if u think zim is a kid. just a lil boundary, the closest thing to a dni i'll ever have on here. ur not really missing out on much if u don't follow me tho it's not a big deal. followers on tumblr dont matter much anyways lol. and if u follow me anyways im not gonna scream at u or anything i'l just simply go >:'( behind my lil computer screen.

also i just miss selfship posting and i don't wanna feel deterred from doing it again. i LOVED selfship posting back on the bird app. speaking of which mr aion show by rock i still love u btw mwa <3

#feels good to get things off my chest #and fellow zim selfshippers u r so very cool #did u know zim is a keter level tumblr sexyman? #now you do <3 sexypedia is wacky

[wihome]

I swore to myself that I will not journal multiple times or as frequently as I did the past few months. Although therapeutic, journaling has solidified some memories for me that I shouod be forgetting and they push me further into the loop of overthinking. Moreover, I've journaled as if I was venting out my anger in the past few months. So now, I'm trying to redeem.

But I cant stop myself from journaling one time on tumblr. Cause it's been so long.

Firstly, I've moved on from my first crush. (Or atleast, I'm beginning to move on from him)

This is a milestone in itself because I realised that I do not want to be a secret admirer for someone I talk to very frequently that too,in a filter-free manner.

Although pretty late to join the other end of the sea called "first crushes and hormonal rushes", I've realised that it's either -

You stay a secret admirer while keeping your interactions minimal

Or

You let them know how you feel a little early in the relationship

So that you don't let the guilt of becoming a delusional take over whatever friendship you've really established enroute that's actually needed for the 2 of you but, you're too guilty when he needs you as a friend.

Learnt the lesson a really tough way, but we both have our lives moving in different paces in our unis so "it is what it is"

(I really wish we could hang out sometime soon. But I swore to not get ahead anytime soon, so)

Secondly, I began coloring in the penup app of my new tab and doodling a little albeit rarely. This got me into training my mind into being a little patient. Maybe right now I'm patient by 4% more than I was before on an average

Thirdly, I'm chronically having headaches.

It could be me stressing out or overthinking subtle things when I let my emotions and silliness take over the rationale. Also because although im not entirely a people pleaser, i have a hard time saying no and even taking it (should seriously work on better communication)

Or inadequate sleep mostly due to my inefficiency in planning things for the day or night if I'm being specific.

I should be sleeping now so I get sufficient rest for tomorrow, but I'm typing away anyways :p

Or me studying under stress! Panicking. Worrying about my future.

Or missing home and worrying about family

Or under-hydration

Or micro nutrition deficiency cause I get fatigued after I'm out in the sun, pretty easily.

So to sum everything up, my health is getting fucked up. Mental health and physical one too.

Hence the pms and pcos.

Fourthly, I read a lot than I studied in the past few months.

Be it solo leveling to begin with.

Or subtle art of not giving a fuck.

Then recently I've read It ends with us and It starts with us.

While rn I'm binging on Omniscient reader and Eaternal Nocturnal.

Even anime wise

I've watched too many it seems

Kaguya Sama

Suzume (in theatres ✨️)

Your name (rewatch, in theatres 💫, and re-rewatch in my new tab)

Your lie in april

Garden of words

Horimiya (S1)

Demon slayer (rehabilitation arc and mugen train)

I've watched many movies too

Jailer (in theatres)

Happy days

Anand

Gharshana

Good night

(Okay not too many but yeah more than my average in the recent times)

Now it makes sense why I get all panicky before exams. I almost never touched my books because I know, I know how the next 3 and the next 3 years of my life are gonna be like, academically

Lastly, yoongi's lines from magic shop are making so much sense to me right now that I want to turn back time and just live happily with my family but this time around - Imma take care of my parents more and show my brother I love him more and not think about growing up or idolize growing up. Cause adulting is so damn not easy! And I'm not even 21 yet (will be in a few months though)

It's tiring

Taxing

Exhausting

Exasperating

You can't even blame your parents anymore (that feels morally wrong!)

#blog #life #medschool #bts army #first love #life is strange #keep swimming

[sunchildnewton]

the and a common, sunflower

a falcon wing

the and a common, sunflower

3 min read

·

Just now

her desert and boy dusty.

by : the and a common, sunflower

“sad ol dusty this makes my day feel as if i have lived for two weeks not my entire life so time spills like my cold brew and even that can make a person shameful of their inability to grow or be anything that a person could want and im honest about how this makes me feel because you can just be difficult and nameless that probably has something to do with you being in your thirties a silly ol bear with lizards and butterflies for home friends some might even say pets should feel exactly how you feel about dating underage girls and no i am not impressed with how happy her forty year old mother is about her thirteen year old daughter feelings about finding you in a pit of darkness as she said but only because although her mom has live passed the 1990s she still suffers so that mean that there is no hope for the future as far as growing up happy because someone as smart and beautiful as her could not even get it done and that should probably make the whole room in hell remorseful and forgiving but then again it is hell so maybe everybody just goes back to burning up the sidewalks and not paying any attention to what should be important since nobody really even cares anyway”. “You have done a really heroic job about bringing a hundred people together but honestly your world is dead because there is nobody in it but you dusty you know? everything you've ever bought has been cheap and this baby like children want to wrap their pale blonde arms into your old clothes which aren't to be considered something you have bought even if you have for i cant label anything touching a god cheap or anything stupid like that never mind just forget that i have said anything that can be taken as a message for my boring sad repetitive life that only has twenty real life people in it and these smart rich people aren't fooling anybody with these social media websites and apps see i have friended a person yesterday and when i saw her today she did not speak to me and tomorrow she might not even be alive since a wrist that can be slit is closer than her mom or a telephone or the emergency police government do you understand? if you don't that's cool too because there is nobody talking in this room but me and you and i want everyone to know that we meet and that we are in love but they never will they never will because telling the whole world about you will only be important on these social media sites.”. “i talked to jenny the other day and she's not doing so good and plus her mom and her dad said that since her grandmother died she hasn't been able to eat any of her tomato soup which really really sucks because that's her favorite food and not because its the only thing that she eats she eats cheese sticks too but they are the only thing that goes together good with her soup so without soup she wouldn't eat that either i know this because her mother and grandfather have confirmed this she only eats them with soup and i miss her getting to eat her favorite food especially since all of the hot guys in school don't really know anything about her at all and we all just wish that we could dropout but we cant and plus in four years we would all just feel stupid like adults anyway so somebody should kill themselves so parents can remember to take us seriously when were sad it should be someone who is as pretty as she is popular it should be a girl since nobody cares about boys expect girls but boys don't care about girls so there”. I nodded my head because it was time for me to sleep “sorry I couldn't make you the happiest little girl in the world little miss perfect” I told her and she just hugged me sobbing. “its ok dusty I know that I am only a ninth grader and you you are only a common, sunflower.