#and who i willingly had several children with haha probably more than i even know about

[vaguely-concerned]

The Mandalorian Chapter 14 reactions: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AWESOME BUT ALSO I’M CRYING edition

- the good good din characterization is back after all the weirdness last episode!!!! that soft way he says ‘no, no, I’m not mad at you’? THAT’S din djarin, he would not be fucking impatient with his son having just been informed and seen for himself that he is terrified, go away mr filoni I know you’ve got all of canon memorized but you don’t get this lol. this feels much more right in how din being conflicted and still thinking he should give the baby away for his own good plays out too  

honestly every line of dialogue for him in this one was perfect I was just whispering ‘I love this awkward clueless wonderful man just doing his best’ to myself any time he said anything. “...does this look Jedi to you?” sir I adore you more than words can describe

- we got din chuckling. asjdklfhsdkafghsdafsadhjkfsdahjkfh. fskahfksjad. side note: I can’t believe my joke post about din desperately trying to Force home school the kid with the one (1) jedi trick he knows about and the baby being delighted by it over and over anyway -- listen to his expectant excited laugh when din takes the ball and sets up the game!!!! -- was canon all along. and then the baby & mando music kicking in when he gently put the silver ball into the baby’s hands again and tells him he’s special (because he IS special. to din)? hmng. hmmmmnnnnn  

they opened on the height of softness so we would all crumple under the weight of the rest of the episode and that was very mean of them in a way I sincerely appreciate 

- nothing to see here... just a dad trying to walk through the literal manifestation of the unassailable underlying forces of the universe to get to his baby again and again........ the desperation in that, the love, the foolhardy devotion................... shit

- okay so I might be a dumbass, but I’d never noticed this before -- the silver ball has a blue spot on the top, like so: 

and in addition we get the room where the baby goes full darth grogu (I have to laugh so I don’t cry okay) on those storm troopers, and there’s a red light in there dominating the room (and it did even more in the concept art):

in star wars blue means light side and red means dark side (it’s very sophisticated that way), meaning the visual storytelling here is that there’s a battle for the baby’s soul and gideon and all his nonsense (and the trauma bb’s been through in the wider sense) is pulling towards the dark, while grogu and din’s connection leads him towards the light. just... the image of the baby looking at his own reflection in the symbolic representation of his relationship to din? the way children find their sense of self through being safely reflected and held by their caretakers? god help meeeeeee I will go in there and fistfight gideon myself for disrupting that in any way  

the smaller light seems to be blue too, like there’s still the presence of light even if it’s dimmed and small in that shitty horrible room, which is a change from the concept art!

- FENNEC SHAND SURVIVED BITCHES!!! I even called that she’d be back with new shiny robot parts back in season 1, could not happen to a cooler lady, I hope we get more backstory and interaction from her the next episodes -- sounds like she’s basically sworn herself to boba’s service in gratitude for saving her life, I wonder if that’s a cultural thing of whereever she comes from? does she live aboard slave 1 now too?? because that would be hilarious and amazing, it must be like two strange cats trying to get used to sharing the same space   

- everything I could ever hope for about boba fett in this series came true, they went down the much more interesting and nuanced route with jango and boba’s identities as mandalorians, he looked cool as fuck and made din as a character shine rather than overshadowing him... amazing beautiful yesss 

(I did 100% not anticipate just how ‘cool uncle boba here to help you fuck shit up’ he was going to be but I am delighted to get it anyway. uncle points deducted for getting someone to point a gun at the baby, but the main point still stands lol) 

the power and brutality of his hand to hand fighting too... a w e s o m e , I enjoyed the action scenes a lot in this one

- they even recanonized him actually wearing jango’s armour. what more could I ask for. I’ve had confused parent & child feels about these two since I was like eleven and here we fucking go again. and jango fighting in the mando civil wars too!

- so I’m grieving the razor crest (and I always will be, rip you magnificent jalopy, always in my heart) but also there’s the grim satisfaction that my reading on it was sort of true -- it is (...was. oh god it’s going to take a while to sink in huh) a symbol of din’s self and life, and at this point when they take the baby it tears everything else to pieces. the only thing that’s left in the ashes is the beskar and the thing that connects him to the baby. and there’s... a strange solace in seeing that that’s all he needs to keep going? he’s fucking obliterated from orbit but he still has his love for the baby and the beskar and that can keep him going until he finds something new, everything else can be replaced?????? weirdly healing, though he is probably going to have a solid breakdown at some point after they get the kid back (shut up they are getting the kid back) and the cold distant fog lifts 

also this scene/shot feels like it carries some Meaning, doesn’t it? I’m on record several times saying I never want din to be mand’alor and that’s still true, but there’s something about the framing of this and the way boba looks at him that’s like... hm. I’m not sure I have the words for it. there’s something heightened about it, anyway, for a moment he looks like something mythic there in the wreckage 

(something I would be much cooler with is our clan of two growing a little bit and those new people rallying behind him, actually, that might be neat. imagine if a force user does show up for the baby and gets adopted into the clan somehow??? so many possibilities.) 

- from the way he picks up the silver ball... din djarin is on his way to straight up murder some people huh

I think part of what reassures me about this scene is the music -- this mando flute is not distant, is not beaten, is not despondent, it’s clear and determined and strong.

- 

I love this. I love when we get explicit baby POVs, it makes it feel so real and intimate and... like home. (I especially loved baby’s point of view inside the razor crest, which just made me tear up again. baby lost the closest thing he’s had to a home in a long long time on top of it all. everything is suffering)

-

Emotionally Significant Thumb Grabbing tm; the show

- din djarin looking for the ‘on’ switch on a magic rock fhsdakjfhsadlfhsdjah I can’t breathe

 “Well, this is the seeing stone. Are you. Seeing anything?” fsafkdsajhfsa sdhfksjalhfkjsdahfkjsdhf

- the energy around the baby as he’s, in ahsoka’s words, ‘choosing his path’ is blue, and the force sort of works across time and space, right?? so there’s definitely still hope for our lil green bean to not have to come up with a really dumb unsubtle sith name for himself, as is regrettably yet delightfully tradition. darth babbu should never come to pass (I do like how they’re interrogating the normal dark/light side dichotomy in this series, seeing as this is a literal baby who can’t really be responsible for that stuff himself yet and has such capacity for both.)  

- listen. listen, the way din says ‘can you please hurry up’ with no sarcasm or real impatience whatsoever, more like a harried worry, to his force-meditating son as he jogs off to make sure no one’s trying to kill them. is hilarious and also YES this is what the character is!!! weirdly and incongruously polite under stress sometimes and with a slightly odd reaction pattern to things!!! he’s not just quiet and badass, he’s a little strange sometimes and it’s so good!  

- a friendly opening volley warning shot from boba there

also din uncertainly asking BOBA FETT if he’s a jedi... now this is the dramatic irony I’ve been looking for haha 

I guess neither shand nor boba actually know din’s name after this either. baby you gotta start introducing yourself at some point it gets real confusing when there are two mandos on screen 

oh the long weary sigh going through din’s frame when boba says he wants ‘the armour’ and he thinks it’s just someone trying to peel the beskar off his corpse again. sorry the galaxy’s so shitty dad   

- “But fate sometimes steps in to rescue the wretched” is a killer line well done mr favreau. I like that boba actually offers din a good deal as well and seems to intend to deliver on it from how things are going. 

- din using his beskar-covered bod to cover someone he’s fighting alongside!!! literal moving cover haha. also I love fennec’s costume design  

- I don’t know where din got more whistling birds from and I don’t care, it was really cool haha 

-

wow haha um so anyway -- 

(cue all the ‘who wore it better’ with cobb vanth’s ‘spiderman’s first home made costume’ look on one side and ABSOLUTE UNIT DADDY boba fett on the other side posts lol)

- aaaghh the music almost like a stunned desperate fluttering heart beat as din watches the razor crest be destroyed 

- for someone who has willingly worked for them in the past boba sure sounds less than thrilled about having the empire back in any capacity 

- oof the deadness in din’s voice when he says “The child is gone”. ooooh no that got me  h e l p 

- guessing next episode is at least partly a ‘gathering old allies and preparing the assault’ step before the grand finale, then! they cannot go for the season ender cliffhanger with this, I will fucking riot. anything can be up in the air except baby and dad being separated, I will not allow it

it would be very funny if the force user baby called out to comes stumbling into the middle of all this like the troy entering the room with pizzas meme too 

- the music in the darth grogu scene is partially a dark mirror of the baby & mando music :’( is nothing in this world sacred

also from how he reaches out for it baby might have used a light saber before in the past with the jedi? ngl the idea of baby wielding the dark saber not when he’s all grown up but in like two episodes -- with all the chaos a toddler holding a laser sword would involve -- is all that is keeping me sane here 

‘liable to put an eye out with one of these’ well gideon you sure have doomed someone to lose an eye with that one, here’s to hoping it’s you, for full dramatic payoff 

he is a deliciously smug awful force with great musical cues tho, you have to give it to him

- okay so this

is obviously awful and horrible and it makes me so sad... but it is undeniably also very very very funny in how it’s framed. you know what? after all this bullshit baby grogu can have a little dark side tantrum, as a treat, we’ve all been there right

(forget finding a jedi, we need to go out there and find a child psychologist who can help him deal with this without adding the fear that he’s on the path to become a two foot tall evil space sorcerer to the mix Y_________Y) 

- rip the razor crest except for the second time :’’’( gone but never forgotten

- the last thing din tells the baby is “I’m gonna protect you; I’ll be back soon”. and I hope that stays with the kid somehow and that it actually comes true, that din will be back for him as soon as humanly possible and all this pain and fear can be repaired. ggggghhhhh my emotions are too big for my dumb human body 

#star wars #the mandalorian #the mandalorian spoilers #the mandalorian meta #okay I'm gonna have to. go take a calming walk or something after this haha

[jess-rewatches-prodigalson]

Episode 8: Family Friend

Things are getting intense. 

SPOILERS

0:16 - Martin has a nameplate that reads “Dr Martin Whitly” in his home office. That is maybe the most egotistical, narcissistic thing I have ever seen. Seriously. WTF Martin. 

1:14 - So this phone in the basement has a different phone number than the rest of the landlines in the house? Seems odd. I guess Martin set it up as a business phone so it needed to have a different number?

1:21 - This conversation is really cool. Malcolm is scared - you tell by the way his voice cracks a little at 1:22 and by his eyes in the beginning of the conversation. However, you can also see that Malcolm has been trained by the FBI to be an investigator. Listen to his interview skills. He’s calm, professional, and he’s speaking in careful, calculated sentences. It’s impressive. I’d really like to see him in this position more often. Another really interesting part of this scene is Jessica’s reactions in the background she looks positively terrified. She’s hugging herself and looking around in horror. I’m not sure we’ve ever seen her this frightened. 

1:23 - So Watkins has been watching Malcolm right? For how long? Because he recognizes Malcolm’s voice. And presumably he recognized Malcolm’s face at the junkyard? Creepy.

3:35 - Ainsley is going through the interview footage with a disturbing amount of admiration and joy in her eyes - while her bf in unconscious because her dad orchestrated a stabbing during her interview.  Also though, is she editing the video footage? Seems like that’s not in her job description?  

4:40 - I love everything about the initial moments when we see Gil, JT, and Dani enter the Whitly house. First of all - Jessica is clearly still shaken and terrified. Secondly, Gil (even though he does look concerned for Jessica) looks so comfortable in that house. It really makes you wonder how many times he’s been there over the years because honestly, the house Gil was almost murdered in shouldn’t be a place he feels comfortable in. Finally - JT and Dani. hahaha they walk into the room with faces that are clearly trying to hide how awestruck they are by how rich the house is. JT actually has an expression that I’m interpreting as “Damn. Rich people have a lot of weird useless crap.” AND look how Jessica’s demeanour immediately changes from terrified to welcoming, considerate hostess the moment she sees JT and Dani. That is the result of years of rich people manners being drilled into her as a child. I’m sure of it.

5:12 - Look at the way Malcolm looks at his Mom as she pours a drink. He’s a mixture of exasperated, concerned, and embarrassed that her alcoholism is being so blatantly exposed. 

5:24 - Malcolm giving the abridged house tour to Dani and JT is awesome. He’s clearly trying to make them feel a little more comfortable in a world they aren’t used to while simultaneously trying to make clear that he doesn’t love the fancy house - it holds bad memories and he’d trade it in for a life without trauma. Also - Dani’s reaction is perfect. She’s trying to make Malcolm just as comfortable as he’s trying to make her. I love it. 

5:50 - How come this bald, black, police officer dude doesn’t have a name yet? He’s had speaking parts in most of the episodes. At this point he’s practically part of the team. 

6:15 - Gil checking up on Jessica is super sweet. ALSO the irony of keeping a gun in a hollowed out copy of War and Peace is hilarious.  

6:50 - Another Gil and Malcolm moment to fuel my heart. Also - Gil looks exhausted. Can someone please give this man a vacation? He does nothing but worry about our shaky-handed boy, Jessica, the Team, and Ainsley. Seriously - Gil needs some time off. 

7:21 - So it’s the next day. Am I to believe that Gil somehow convinced everyone to go home, shower, and come back in a few hours? Because it’s daylight now and everyone is in a fresh outfit. Something tells me Malcolm would not have done that willingly. 

7:22 - Something about the fact that Gil is the only one who ever drinks coffee during the case briefings is hilarious to me. 

8:22 - You know I’ve always laughed at this seen because JT says, “I can’t with this.” but I’ve been missing the best part of the scene!! Look at Gil’s face. hahaha it’s an expression of total disbelief. He’s so done with working with these children.

9:29 - Just how many jackets does Malcolm have?!? I know he’s rich but I really want to see his closet. He doesn’t strike me as a rich person who cares about appearances or the money itself. So - what does his closet look like and who is buying him all of these jackets?!?

10:15 - Anyone else wonder how the hell someone managed to bury a winnebago without anyone noticing? It just seems like it would’ve drawn a lot of attention?

10:47 - *sigh* Gil is so resigned to the fact that he can’t control Malcolm. Poor guy looks exhausted. Trying to save Malcolm from himself is not an easy job. This particular case is also probably really hard for Gil too. I mean, Gil caught the Surgeon. If this killer worked with the Surgeon, Gil is probably questioning his detective skills. Questioning whether or not he missed something all those years ago that would’ve had this killer behind bars years ago. Also Malcolm has gone manic again. Yikes.

13:25 - Ainsley. Ugh. Girl - your bf is in the hospital with a stab wound. Stop trying to find a story to further your career and worry about him. Honestly. Why is she even dating this guy? She clearly doesn’t care much about him.

14:24 - Katcha? Another one of the Whitly family employees. WHY ARE THERE SO MANY OF THEM?!? We’re up to 4 now (Louisa, Katherine, Alfonso, and Katcha). 

15:51 - Look at Eve in this scene. Initially she is annoyed, then concerned, then curious but by the end of the conversation you can tell that Eve is scared of what Jessica tells her.  

18:40 - haha look at Gil’s face here. He’s so pleased and amused that JT is teasing Malcolm. It’s precious. 

18:57 - Malcolm’s comment about how the Junkyard Killer has been killing for over 20 years, which is longer than the Surgeon, has me curious. How long did the Surgeon kill for? Did Martin start killing before he got married? Before Malcolm was born? After Malcolm was born? After Ainsley was born? I really want to know. ALSO Gil looks so concerned after Malcolm makes that little comment. Generally Gil shoots Malcolm a concerned look whenever Martin is brought up. I love it. 

19:02 - How long did the front desk have that box? No one noticed it was bleeding? AND that blood is seeping out really fast. There’s no way JT could’ve gotten it to Malcolm before it started bleeding. Ugh. The things I excuse/ignore because I understand episodes have a time constraint and things need to happen a certain way to forward the plot. 

19:43 - I don’t know a lot about how quickly the human body decomposes or anything BUT father Leo’s hands did not look that beat up a few minutes ago. Check out the severed hand’s finger nails? They’re in terrible shape. Biology nerds: does this kind of stuff happen to severed limbs? I’m curious but too scared to google (I don’t want pictures). 

21:00 - This is another instance where we can see how good Malcolm is at interviewing....well until Watkins brings up the girl in the box and Malcolm kind of loses his mind. I love this.

21:36 - Gil looks scared here. A rare look for him. Also - really makes me wish I could’ve seen the moment when the story behind the girl in the box was explained to Dani and JT. 

22:30 - Look at Malcolm’s eyes. He looks haunted. Broken. Scared. I’m genuinely surprised he didn’t descend into a full blown panic attack. He looked really close to one.

22:50 - This conversation between Malcolm and Gil is everything. You can tell that Gil feels guilty - like he might’ve worsened Malcolm’s trauma. You can tell that Gil is also concerned about Malcolm. But check out the way Gil is speaking to Malcolm. Gil is so honest with Malcolm yet simultaneously reassuring. I respect that. 

24:38 - The moment Malcolm decides that his need for answers is greater than his wellbeing. He could’ve called Gil right here. He could’ve walked away and waited for backup. But he didn’t because knowing the truth is more important to him than his physical health. That’s genuinely concerning. This is a passively suicidal act.

25:34 - “You even smell like him.” This line has always struck me as bizarre. What exactly is John referring to? Does Malcolm smell like fear? Or like desperation mixed with determination? Is that how he smells like Martin? Because I promise you Jessica Whitly would lose her mind if Malcolm was wearing the same cologne his father used to wear. If Malcolm smelled like Martin due to his personal hygiene products I’m sure Jessica would’ve put a stop to it. And I’m sure Malcolm would’ve listened to his mother in this instance because he’s so desperate to be nothing like Martin Whitly.

26:21 - This is sad. Malcolm is being honest here. He really believes that he is like his father even though he desperately doesn’t want to be like him. 

27:22 - Gil is pissed. This is peak Dad behaviour. I’m shocked that he didn’t punish Malcolm himself or call Jessica because he knew that her overbearing presence would be  punishment for Malcolm. 

28:23 - Malcolm is spiralling. Look how manic he is. How desperate he is for answers. Look at how much pain he’s in. This whump is thawing my cold, dead soul (also semi-shirtless Tom Payne is attractive).

29:05 - Jin has the appropriate reaction to this. Ainsley does not. If a murder is on the loose you should be at lest mildly concerned for yourself and sympathetic for the victims and their families. Not excited at the prospect of a story.

30:02 - 1. Tom Payne without a shirt is...wow. and 2. He’s using frozen peas as an ice pack...so he does have food in the house? 

30:25 - Yep. When he opens the fridge here you can see he has some other frozen vegetables in the door.

30:27 - This is interesting to me. Malcolm is clearly attracted to Eve and he doesn’t want her to think he’s crazy (even though their first conversation was about how he got high at work) so he hides his pill bottles. When Dani’s come over Malcolm has never hidden his pill bottles from her. Because Malcolm is comfortable with Dani. Just something to think about.

31:00 - Eve said she got Malcolm’s address under “false pretences”.  The only false pretence I can see Jessica giving out Malcolm’s address to Eve is because Eve told her she was going to ask Malcolm out. But the false pretence implies that Eve has no intention of ever dating Malcolm. Huh. Either way, I would’ve really liked to hear that conversation. The one where a drunk Jessica Whitly gives a woman her son’s address because she thinks he’s going to get laid. It’s both upsetting and hilarious that this happened. 

32:15 - Gil looks like exhausted. Holy crap. Why is everyone so worried about Malcolm when Gil is looking like this?!?

33:25 - The acting throughout this entire phone conversation is phenomenal. Tom Payne’s facial expressions really convey Malcolm’s desperation, fear, and determination to get answers. Lou’s tone of voice really conveys Gil’s worry over Malcolm and tired, desperation to solve this case. And Michael Raymond-James’ confident, controlling voice is just the perfect amount of creepy to be a believable killer.

34:40 - Are you telling me that Gil wasn’t hearing this conversation in real time? Why wasn’t the police recording this conversation for evidence? Also how is Malcolm’s cell phone connecting to Gil’s radio? 

35:53 - “Damn it. Ainsley’s there.” This line is beautifully delivered. That is believable big brother concern. This whole sibling conversation is great. I love how they interact. 

36:30 - Can no know in this family follow orders?!? Honestly. Ainsley stay in your room. These Whitly’s really need to learn to listen to the people who want to keep themselves safe. BUT SIDE NOTE: Malcolm’s desperate cries to Ainsley as she runs from the Junkyard Killer are haunting. 

38:21 - THANK YOU JIN. SOMEONE WHO SEES IT MY WAY. AINSLEY DID YOU DIRTY BROTHER.

39:15 - “How’s Ainsley doing?” Love this. I’m so desperate to know the extent of Gil’s relationship with Ainsley. We know that Gil was a big part of Malcolm’s childhood. I want to know how much contact he’s had with Ainsley through the years. 

40:35 - hahaha I love this scene between Jessica and Malcolm. It’s honest, sweet, and sad. You can really see the role that Malcolm put himself in. He’s the self-appointed family protector. He’s probably felt that way most of his life. You can see Jessica’s determination, guilt, and fear. It’s beautiful. 

Ahhhhhh I love this show. Thanks for hanging out Prodigies. 

#prodigal son #jess-rewatches-prodigal #malcolm bright #whitly #ainsley whitly #jessica whitly #martin whitly #gil arroyo #jt tarmel #edrisa tanaka #dani powell #this show is almost perfect #i love this show #whump #malcolm needs a hug #so good #rewatch #spoilers #ps #Family Friend #e:8 #1x8 #s1

[kurowrites]

The Sweetest Confinement - Chapter 3

AO3

---

Wei Ying woke up slowly. It took her a moment to work out where she was (not her bed – not her dorm room – not home – not Lan Zhan’s dorm room – Lan Zhan! She was at Lan Zhan’s home!). But once she did, she couldn’t help but smile as she let her eyes wander over the beautiful, though ascetic interior of Lan Zhan’s rooms. Everything was quiet and Lan Zhan was not in bed; the sun was shining through the blinds, painting beautiful patterns against the walls and the floor of the bedroom. Lan Zhan must have gotten up hours ago.

Wei Ying struggled out of the all-too comfortable bed, yawning as she did, and left the bedroom. She found Lan Zhan immediately, seated at a low wooden desk, immersed in writing. She looked beautiful in the morning light, her long hair flowing down her back unrestrained, dressed in a simple white hanfu ensemble that looked neither masculine nor feminine, but rather like something that could be worn by any gender. It looked extremely good on Lan Zhan. She looked regal like this, elegant and accomplished.

As Wei Ying watched her write, Lan Zhan herself became aware of Wei Ying’s presence. She looked up, and her face softened, almost seemed to smile when she caught sight of Wei Ying.

“Good morning,” Wei Ying said, finding herself to be in a light, teasing mood. “Did you have a good rest?”

“Hn,” Lan Zhan agreed in her usual reticent way, and Wei Ying laughed.

“I’m glad,” she answered with a grin. “After I took such good care of you yesterday.”

The tips of Lan Zhan’s ears turned bright red, and Wei Ying laughed again. God, she loved Lan Zhan’s reactions to her teasing. She couldn’t get enough of it. She had been so confident while they were doing all manners of erotic things yesterday, too. Why she was shy about it now, Wei Ying didn’t know.

“Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan,” she sing-songed as she walked over to the desk. “Don’t get all embarrassed on me now!”

Lan Zhan said nothing, but she reached out for Wei Ying as soon as she was close enough, and Wei Ying willingly let herself be pulled down, seated almost in Lan Zhan’s lap. Lan Zhan’s arms found their way around her waist, and she melted against Lan Zhan’s warm skin and silky robes. Lan Zhan smelled so good, of sandalwood and something that was uniquely Lan Zhan. She wished she could bottle that smell and carry it with her all the time.

“Good morning,” Lan Zhan said quietly, and gave Wei Ying a soft kiss against her temple.

Wei Ying’s heart squeezed tightly. She snuggled closer, as close as she possibly could, determined to stick close to Lan Zhan as long as she was allowed.

“Say, dearest, most beautiful Lan Zhan,” he teased again, knowing that her words would refresh the blush in Lan Zhan’s ears. “Is there maybe some breakfast to be had for me somewhere?”

“Hn,” Lan Zhan agreed, and reached for her mobile phone. “It will arrive soon.”

“You truly know how to get a girl,” Wei Ying replied, and gave Lan Zhan a kiss on her cheek.

Lan Zhan sent her an unfathomable look, but didn’t reply.

---

Breakfast was delicious, though rather more plain than Wei Ying was accustomed to. She amused herself by feeding pieces of fruit to Lan Zhan, who, after drawing back at first, seemed to warm up to the idea of being fed by Wei Ying rather quickly. Wei Ying loved the look on her face whenever she carefully plucked another piece of fruit from Wei Ying’s fingers, chewing it properly, swallowing, and then eyeing Wei Ying expectantly, all thoughts of eating on her own forgotten. It was both endearing and sexy at the same time.

“So, what are our plans for the day?” Wei Ying asked eventually, once they had finished their meal.

“We will study in the morning,” Lan Zhan replied. “I have promised to give a guqin class in the afternoon.”

“Oooh, are you going to show the little chicklings how it’s really done?”

Lan Zhan frowned at that. “I’m not giving classes to assert my superiority.”

Wei Ying laughed. “I know that! You’re the last person who’d ever do that. But you’re so good, the children no doubt admire your skills.”

Lan Zhan’s ears turned red once more.

“I don’t know about that,” she said humbly.

“I’m pretty sure they do. Can I watch?”

“It might be boring for you.”

“Watching Lan Zhan teach?” Wei Ying asked, putting her head into her hands and leaning forward. “I’m sure it will be very interesting.”

Lan Zhan elected not to answer. Instead, she cleaned the remains of their breakfast away and told Wei Ying to go get her books and notes, so that they could study together.

Wei Ying left Lan Zhan’s residence and returned to her own room to pick up all that she would need for a study session. As she did, she also changed her clothing, choosing something appropriately modest. She was really grateful to Lan Zhan. Not only that she had provided Wei Ying with a place to stay, but also that she seemed perfectly fine with Wei Ying sticking to her, spending time with her, distracting her with her very presence.

She tried not to think about it, but the present situation worried her. Both Jiang Yanli and Jiang Cheng had assured her that everyone in the family was fine, but she couldn’t be sure. Her sister had little A-Ling to take care of, and A-Ling was still so small, if he got sick… And they were all so close to where the new virus had first been confirmed. It would have been so easy to cross paths with an infected person. What if the isolation order had already come too late?

Her own thoughts were driving her mad. She was almost glad that she had no means of actually getting there, making sure that her family was okay, because she might have just tried to do so if that had been the case, lockdown or no. She would probably end up arrested.

Lan Zhan kept her thoughts from circling endlessly, and for that, Wei Ying was grateful. Lan Zhan kept her sane.

Once she had picked up everything she would need, she returned to Lan Zhan’s residence, and they studied for the rest of the morning.

Studying with Lan Zhan was excellent, and Lan Zhan was very good at keeping Wei Ying focused, if one disregarded the fact that Lan Zhan’s very existence was already distraction enough. Still, it had been so easy to fall into the habit of studying in Lan Zhan’s room rather than in her own. In Lan Zhan’s room, there were no distractions, ample snacks, and, most important of all, Lan Zhan herself. And here, seated at her desk, it was even easier. She could simply sit down and not worry about anything else, Lan Zhan right beside her, her steady presence a balm to Wei Ying’s nerves.

Eventually, Lan Zhan put her book away and told Wei Ying that it was time for lunch. They ate with Lan Huan and Lan Qiren again, and apparently, this time, Lan Qiren had come prepared. Wei Ying was showered in questions about her education, childhood, and plans for her future.

Because she was still nervous, however, she slipped up and said something that made it clear that Jiang Fengmian and Yu Ziyuan weren’t her actual parents, but her adoptive parents. As if the name wasn’t hint enough already.

Lan Qiren immediately frowned and pounced on this tidbit of information.

“You are not with your birth parents?” he asked, and Wei Ying could immediately read the tone of that voice. He was asking if Wei Ying had done something that had got her in trouble in the past.

She swallowed and tried to manage her anger.

“My parents died when I was six,” she said coldly. “I was homeless until I was nine. The Jiang family took me in because they believed that every child deserves a home, even a lice-infested, dirty, emaciated one. I am very grateful and have thought of them as my family ever since. Is there anything else you’d like to know?”

Only when Lan Zhan took her hand and carefully plied her chopsticks out of her fingers, she realized that she was gripping them hard, and her hands were shaking.

“Uncle,” Lan Zhan said, her tone severe. “That is enough.”

When Wei Ying looked up, she saw Lan Huan look at her with a shocked expression on his face. Lan Zhan and Lan Qiren, meanwhile, were staring at each other, seemingly communicating entirely through looks.

“Excuse us.”

Taking Wei Ying’s hand, Lan Zhan pulled her from her seat and left the table, the dining room, and headed back towards her own residence. She maneuvered Wei Ying into a seat there, and then sat down next to her.

Silence hung over them for a moment.

“I am sorry,” Lan Zhan eventually said. “My uncle was out of place.”

Wei Ying swallowed and tried to calm herself down.

“Haha,” she laughed hollowly. “No worries. People always wonder about that. It’s no surprise that they assume I’m a runaway or a youth offender, looking at me. Actually, I ran away a few times when I was living with the Jiang family. So technically that makes me a runaway.”

“Do not joke,” Lan Zhan said, her tone more impatient than Wei Ying had ever heard it. “It is no laughing matter. You lost your parents. You lost your home. None of these experiences are things to laugh about.”

“But if I don’t laugh–” Wei Ying swallowed again and blinked the tears in her eyes away.

She would not cry. Her parents had been dead for more than ten years already, and there was no reason to cry over her loss anymore. She hardly even remembered them at all. Why cry about something she couldn’t even remember?

“You are allowed to grieve.”

“Lan Zhan…”

“You are allowed to grieve,” Lan Zhan repeated with more insistence. “You are not required to shoulder your struggles without reprieve all the time.”

She took Wei Ying’s hand into hers, and stroked it gently.

“I will be here if you wish to unburden yourself for a while.”

Wei Ying closed her eyes. Lan Zhan was entirely serious, as she always was, and it was more than Wei Ying could bear. For a moment, she crumbled. Lan Zhan caught her. Without really realizing how it happened, she found herself stretched out, her head in Lan Zhan’s lap, Lan Zhan’s hands carefully stroking her hair.

Lan Zhan was too good to her. She was going to get spoilt, and then she would never function without Lan Zhan again.

“Thank you,” she said, her voice wobbling.

Lan Zhan hummed, and kept carding her gentle fingers through Wei Ying’s hair. It was a strange feeling. It had been many years since Wei Ying had actually felt taken care of by someone, and Lan Zhan did it so easily, so naturally, that it felt like something inside of her was shaking loose. Lan Zhan was so incredible, so good. Wei Ying felt like she was going to cry. Lan Zhan took care of her as if she wasn’t a burden.

She sighed and let herself drift for a while, calmed by Lan Zhan’s touch.

“When I was young,” Lan Zhan quietly said after a while, “we were not allowed to see our mother often. We would visit her once a month. I would always look forward to these visits. They were everything to me.”

She fell quiet for a moment, but Wei Ying said nothing, waiting with bated breath for Lan Zhan to continue. She had never heard Lan Zhan speak about her past. Wei Ying knew a lot about the present Lan Zhan, but before she came to Cloud Recesses, she had only known that Lan Zhan’s home was close to the university, and had assumed that her family was wealthy due to the way she dressed and acted – a true young lady.

Lan Zhan continued, letting Wei Ying’s hair fall through her fingers. “I was told that I would get to see my mother again if I was a good child, so I was always on my best behaviour. I wanted to see her. I wanted to be with my mother. I loved her, perhaps even more so because I was kept away from her. But one day, Uncle came and told me that there would be no more visits. I was in shock. I thought it was my fault. That she refused to see me because I had been a bad child. I waited for weeks, for months, I did everything I could to atone, to see her again. It took so long for me to understand that she had left forever.”

Lan Zhan’s voice was calm and composed as she said that, but Wei Ying could hear the undercurrent of unabated pain. She understood what Lan Zhan must have felt; how much she must have blamed herself, thinking that her mother would be there if Lan Zhan had been better. If she had done everything right. If she hadn’t been selfish.

“Are you still waiting for her?”

“Sometimes,” was Lan Zhan’s whispered reply.

Wei Ying wriggled around until she was in a position to wrap her arms around Lan Zhan’s middle, squeezing her and pressing her own face into Lan Zhan’s stomach.

“It’s not your fault, Lan Zhan,” she said. “I’m sure you did absolutely nothing wrong.”

She couldn’t be sure, but she thought she felt Lan Zhan’s breath hitch, just once.

“Thank you, Wei Ying.”

“There’s nothing you have to thank me for. I’m just speaking the truth. Lan Zhan is a very good person, there’s nothing for you to feel bad about.”

Lan Zhan traced the shell of Wei Ying’s ear with her finger. Wei Ying shivered a little, always welcoming Lan Zhan’s touch.

“I am not always a good person,” Lan Zhan said.

“Don’t be ridiculous. You are the best person I’ve ever met.”

And she meant it. Lan Zhan and she might clash sometimes, with Lan Zhan’s tendency to stick to the rules even when the rules were stupid, but Lan Zhan had a clear innate sense of justice and fairness, a caring spirit that would always stand out in any situation and in any crowd.

With a sigh, Lan Zhan detached Wei Ying from her middle and lifted her up, until Wei Ying was properly seated in front of her.

“We should continue studying. My guqin class will be soon.”

“Probably,” Wei Ying said, not really enthusiastic about the idea. “They’re probably already trying to figure out ways to punish us for slacking off. But,” she smiled a wicked smile, sticking out the tip of her tongue for a moment, “tell me, Lan Zhan, do you want me to offer a little reward tonight to make work easier?”

Lan Zhan caressed her cheek and stoop up.

“Wei Ying,” she said, and it was her warning tone again, at odds with her gentle gesture just now. “I told you I am not expecting anything.”

“But how can I figure out if I like it or not, or if I’m good at it, if I don’t try?”

“Work,” Lan Zhan said strictly, sitting down at her desk and directing Wei Ying to her seat with her eyes. “Everything else can come later.”

Wei Ying sighed. Fine, fine, she figured. She could always work on Lan Zhan later.

---

Wei Ying had been determined to try and seduce Lan Zhan into Wei Ying giving her first try at cunnilingus that evening, but it turned out that Lan Zhan was much slier than she had ever suspected her of being. She somehow artfully strung Wei Ying along, distracting her with the guqin class, dinner, and other things until it was suddenly bedtime. Lan Zhan dressed Wei Ying in one of her own deliciously soft and silky pyjamas, tucked her in, and went to sleep herself. Wei Ying only realised far too late how excellently Lan Zhan had in fact played her.

She had wanted to have fun! And figure out if Lan Zhan would go just as wild when Wei Ying put her tongue to good use. Instead, she found Lan Zhan lying next to Wei Ying, Wei Ying’s head carefully tucked under her chin, her arm around Wei Ying’s waist, and out like a light. Disappointment didn’t even begin to describe Wei Ying’s feelings.

She was nervous, of course, because there were so many things that she had no experience with, so many things that she still didn’t know, had never had the chance of learning. But she had Lan Zhan with her. That changed everything. Lan Zhan wouldn’t make fun of her or laugh when she bumbled along, and she certainly wouldn’t be unkind. Lan Zhan would be patient.

To be able to experience these things with Lan Zhan for the first, she could think of no better person to share the experience with. She wanted it to be Lan Zhan. Always.

With a sigh and a promise to herself that isolation had only just begun, and more opportunities of the erotic kind would arise in the future, she let herself fall asleep in Lan Zhan’s arms. She had never slept better than there, safe in the knowledge that Lan Zhan was with her.

#kuro writes #the untamed #lan wangji #wei wuxian #mdzs #wangxian

[guardeddreamweaver]

My muse in a relationship 

taken from here xxx

Repost, because fuck...doing this as an ask meme, where not everything is said...kind of makes her sound like a psychopath depending on what you ask.  O_o

Under the cut!

🤗 Are they physically affectionate?   Under some circumstances.  She enjoys physical touch, but only on her own terms.  And often times, even if she wishes for affection, she denies herself, because often she feels that her wishes are unimportant to what is necessary.  But when she does allow it, she's very sensual and intuitive. 🎶 Do they have a type? She has preferences, but not types really.  A lot of power is required to balance her--but the form it takes is often very unpredictable, both to me and to her. 😡 What are their deal breakers? People who try to change her.  Dishonesty with needlessly cruel intent (she fully understands dishonesty to save face or prevent conflict...and a host of other reasons, some that are actually arbitrarily just as malicious XD).  A lack of self control...but under a microscope, her real problem is more with people who have an inability to separate public self from private self, rather than actually lacking self control.   ↕️Are they sub, dom or switch? Dominant...but in some very close relationships, she will switch, on certain things...maybe anything; I've never had her open in a relationship to the point where I can find out just how open to surrender she actually is.  I've have/had ships where I've hypothesized that complete openness would be possible, but honestly her emotional connections in relationships tend to unfold slowly no matter how comfortable she is with someone, even when things are "going well".  But really, it's more accurate to ask whether she is dom/sub/switch or nothing.  Since in every sense, she has a domineering personality...which doesn't necessarily dictate a kink or a dynamic, though situations often follow a script because people don't tend to go against her, or even realize that they can.  If you enjoy playing with those kinds of roles, she'll do it and happily...but she's just as likely to leave anything even remotely related to this at the door, given that her power personally, mentally, emotionally, spiritually is that immense...and it sometimes forces people into roles that they don't actually fit. ⏰ How long do their relationships tend to last? They are either very fleeting or for life.  Shutara is of the mind that some things are only beautiful and meaningful because they are brief or doomed/ill-fated.  Other times she will not even consider something unless she can see it lasting for eternity.  She's very black and white that way, among other things that she's similarly severe and blunt about approaching.  There is no middle ground to her for this topic.

💍 Would they ever get married? Perhaps.  It really depends on what the marriage would give her or her partner.  On her own, Shutara does not view marriage as a romantic engagement.  It is a business and cultural alliance.  In love, most times she'd rather not burden a partner with the paperwork and seriousness of what marrying a woman like her actually means.  She is the last of her line, so she does not wish to lose her name, status, and other cultural ties...especially because there really aren't many people who can offer her a standing higher than her own, whether from the perspective of birth or her status as a guardsman.  The only reason why she would ever consider a marriage is to leave a legacy.  And there are only certain kinds of people she would consider worthy of that amount of work, or that she knows would even appreciate it.  Shutara in general is not interested in having children, but to her in some cases, it makes sense.  Thus in those rare cases, as she would never have a child with someone she was not married to (because of the legal entanglements her offspring would have in being a successor to her, as she is not male...not because she finds it morally objectionable), it would be necessary merely because of bureaucracy.  And it would be a very special type of marriage...technically a combination adoption-marriage into HER family, so her partner would be taking her surname (the Japanese practice of becoming a yo-shi), allowing her to allocate her family properties and possessions to a joint family of her choosing.   But like actually thinking about how marriage means things that are different to different people...I honestly don't know what she'd do if she entangled herself with a person who equated marriage with something emotional.  Like I think of my other muse, Szayel who would just be like...paperwork?  Wtf.  Just give me a ring and make me a promise and nobody even has to know or see it!!!  Haha.  I am sure there would be a period of her being like....uh, I can do that but...is this actually marriage?  And then she'd be spending time trying to figure out what it actually means to her..in the meantime being bamboozled by the concept of what to her is likely "Schrodinger's marriage"....since if a paper isn't signed but vows are made, is it "real" because you believe it's real or "not real" because you made the concept yourself?  Oh goodness.  Like for real, she's incredibly progressive in many senses...but in some stuff, her traditional backbone and internal biases fuck with her mind. ️ 🏷️ Do they give their partners cute nicknames? Not really.  She's more formally romantic.  You're more likely to get things like "my love" or "my dear" than anything cute or otherwise an actual nickname. 💋 Are they more sensual or sexual? Ummm...with her they are one in the same.  She doesn't very easily separate the sensual from the sexual, and whether she realizes it or not, the fact that she tends to keep a lot of space around her at all time is rather self-protective, otherwise she'd probably find most casual touch situations to be rather violating.  But barring somebody who's related to her, people who are okay to touch are generally okay to sleep with, and usually this is instinct based for her...instantaneous, without thought, formed in sizing up first impressions, the way someone moves, the way they smell, the general vibe they give.  She tends to listen more to the lizard brain than the rational brain in physical comfort--its honest to gods physical chemistry driven and impossible for her to fake. 📖 What is their favorite outside of the bedroom activity to do with their partner? It really depends.  But like one of her favorite things is just to be in the same room together.  They don't have to be doing anything with each other, just sharing space.  Like her partner reading a book while she weaves at her loom.  She enjoys intimacy, especially the kind where there is no obligation of expectation where you /must/ be doing something with or for someone in order to prove that you care about them. 🛏 What is their favorite bedroom activity to do with their partner? If you've ever wanted to play with a shibari master...Shutara is your girl, for obvious reasons. 💚 Are they prone to jealousy? Shutara would rather cut her ties with you than feel jealous.  Emotions like that are time wasters and she doesn't see a need for them.  It's easier to feel nothing at all than subject yourself willingly to pain, in her mind.  (She doesn't always understand that a lot of people can't really flip emotions on and off like a switch.  Defense mechanism for sure...healthy or unhealthy?  You decide.) 😘 Does their demeanor change when in a relationship?   Not publicly.  In private, she's much warmer, sometimes incredibly so.  She tends to keep personal business out of the public sphere when it's something that means a lot to her, as essentially, she'd rather not draw the evil eye to her or her lover.   👫 Do they display affection in public? What about in private? Not really, unless you count subtle things...but her subtlety when you look for it actually tends to convey things that she feels very strongly about, people included.  Some touch is okay if the situation is appropriate (ie dance, sharing something, holding a hand...or 8), but mostly the change that you'll see is in her proximity to someone.  In private, depending on the wishes of partners/friends, she can be very affectionate.  It's actually quite sweet, as for all her grace, she's rather clumsy with initiating affection of her own accord. 💕 Are they open to threesomes or a polyamorous relationship? Polyamory has an appeal to her in theory, given that she's in the guard, and she knows that unless she chooses to be in a relationship with someone else who is similarly in the guard...there's likely going to be long stretches of time separate.  She doesn't really like her actual life-mates to feel pain because of some idea of one true soulmates or whatever.  She's far too practical for that, and she's ancient...so while deep down she's actually incredibly romantic, it's not at all in a stereotypical way.  And often her views are not happy ones anyway...nor does she really value her own happiness.  In practice I have no idea how she'd do with actual polyamory.  Lol...write with me and figure it out.   Threesome wise, with the right people, I know she'd be okay with FFF and MMF.  She has MFF hangups in stuff that she hasn't really wanted/needed to examine and work through...mostly dealing in how she tends focus her own attentions/abilities on people and what it's like to have different levels of attraction to different genders, especially if she's in a relationship with one of them.  She's rather afraid of ignoring someone she shouldn't...and she also doesn't know how to feel if she feels that the other woman there is more "attractive"...since she views herself as incredibly attractive, but moreso with clothing on.  

TL;DR Shu is really weird about some stuff and refuses to unpack anything that may help her...unless a muse that she's close to walks her through it.  This is true about anything...sex, love, her history, her likes/dislikes, you name it...sometimes I have to thread it with a muse she's more comfortable with (even just in theory since she will tell things to people she doesn't know well), and its just the approach...like threading with a male muse vs a female one, a fellow guardsman vs someone below her in stature, someone young vs someone old, a shinigami vs a different race, etc.  She has weird tastes and weird rules about who she shares what stuff with that I constantly have to work around to get what I want.  Often when I'm asked about her my answer is "oh I don't know....but I know exactly how to find out" which with her is half the battle.

💔 Do they have a certain type of person they will not enter into a relationship with? Publicly?  Haha lots of people.  Privately...not really.  Shutara is okay with even some rather shocking kinds of people when her interests are kept on the downlow.  I mean as far as she's concerned, who she shares herself with isn't anybody's business...so her private life does have the possibility of being a complete shitshow.  It's grand. 💝 How long until they feel secure and comfortable in a relationship? Shutara is very slow to trust.  But that said, she doesn't tend to enter a relationship unless she is convinced that it will work out and be beneficial.  She kind of makes a decision to be comfortable, if that makes any sense.  It may take her a while to get to that...or she may decide that you are worthy very quickly.  When she does make that decision though, she is incredibly solid and settled. 🤐 Would they ever confess their feelings first? Yes, she's not shy that way.  And she'd rather not let something that is meaningful get away from her. ❌Would they ever cheat on their partner? No.  Hooray, an uncomplicated answer! ‍‍‍ 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 Do they want children? Shutara is quite tokophobic given her past with some things she's witnessed as a child, particularly with her mother who struggled a lot with miscarriage for reasons that medically would have been not understood at the time she was growing up (we have rhoGAM today, they did not).  And she views herself as a destroyer rather than as a life-giver, so the idea of having children, especially if she is the one to carry them is incredibly anxiety inducing and rather fucks with her idea of self.  I know that if she had children, she would be an incredible mother.  If she had a female partner who ended up bearing children, or she ended up choosing a partner of either sex who already had children when they met (like on indie, she's had dalliances with a Ryuuken), she tends not to have an existential crisis, though it takes time for her to process the idea of being a parental figure.  But like...it takes some serious working through roadblocks in order to have children with her in a more traditional sense. 🐶 Are they a cuddler? When she gives in, she loves to cuddle.  And she's kind of split down the middle about it.  Because she'd prefer to be the demonstrative one in a private situation ike that...she's basically the tiniest big spoon you will ever meet.  But she also very much craves being held...as she has a lot of responsibilities and almost always takes the lead.  Don't question her or bring up her inconsistencies...just let her seek out intimacy because she deserves it. 🔮 Do they believe in soul mates? Yes, very much so.  But, not necessarily just in the romantic sense.  She believes that soul mates can take any form, even that of a fated enemy.  Also, given her personal powers, I've always hc'd that as a weaver, she's intertwined both with the ideas of spinning fate ala the Moirae/Fates and the Japanese concept of the red strings of fate that bind you to your soulmates.  She can tell who she is tied to and who she is not.  She can also alter these bonds for herself and other people, though it can come at a great cost.   ⚔️ Are they protective of their partner? Yes, very much so.  Even if they don't necessarily recognize something as a protective behavior.  And Shutara is very strong in general.  It is natural for her to lend her power to a partner and keep them safe. 🚀 How far are they willing to go for the person they love? However far as they are willing to go for her. ️❤️ Do they fall in love easily? When she gives herself permission, yes.  It's just...that's the rare part. 📺 Do they share information about their relationships freely with friends and family? Not really.  Shutara tends to keep her personal business private.  She'll listen to any gossip that /you/ want to tell her though, lol. ♦️Are they concerned with the social status of their partner? Well like I've said before, with things like marriage, yes.  But not in who she loves.  So it depends on what you're talking about. 💭 Do they tend to sleep better when in bed with their partner?   She likes to sleep in bed with a partner, that's for sure.  But Shutara is kind of a pain to sleep with.  She's restless and a wild sleeper.  Even though she's tiny, she'll still starfish you to the corner of the mattress.  She punches and kicks in her sleep.  She will push you off the edge of the bed, and not wake up.  She'll steal your pillows, hog the blankets, and even sometimes sleepwalks.  Lol...when Shu sleeps, she's an asshole, unless she's so tired that she literally cannot move.

#Headcanon #relationship meme #senjumaru shutara #(the webs we weave) identity

[hazownsmyass]

Get to know me tag! (300 followers)

Because I recently got to 300 followers, I decided to post a little get to know me tag!

I thought of doing some more stuff for my 300, but I’m already on my way to 400 because somehow more people keep following me? Why?? So I guess I’ll do some more stuff at 400

For now I would just like to thank some people (who you should all follow) for always helping me, talking to me, or sharing my shit :)

@starksparker​ @parkersstark​ @thewiseandfree​ @addictionmarvel​ @upsidedownparker​ @h-osterfield​ @bisexualparkerr​

And did you know I have another blog just for Marvel stuff, and not just Harrison? It’s over at @hazownsmymarvel If you wanna check it out that would be nice :)

I just got these questions from a random site, and I don’t expect anyone to really care about the answers, but apparently over 300 people care enough about my shit that they follow me so here goes!

Are you a morning or night person? Definitely a night person. I can’t do shit in the morning except sleep.

Are you afraid of the dark? Kind of? Like I won’t just get absolutely terrified if it gets dark, but I don’t feel comfortable.

Are you an extrovert or introvert? More of an extrovert. I like talking to people, and talking to strangers isn’t a big problem for me, but I like to have my alone time.

Are you double jointed? No ew (no offense but it kinda creeps me out)

Are you left or right handed? I am right handed

Are you more of a tidy person or a messy one? Messy AF. You should see my desk when it’s ‘tidied up’

Are you on time or always late? I’m always on time when it’s actually important, like school or if I need to catch a train. If it’s not that important, I’m always pretty late.

Are you ticklish? Hell yeah

Can you curl your tongue? Yep (totally had to check that)

Can you ice skate? FUCK NO. Everyone does it every winter where I come from, and we always went with school on the last day before Christmas break, but I am fucking terrible at it. I don’t even want to learn it though so I never set a foot on the ice. The last three years I haven’t even put on skates.

Can you wiggle your ears? Not willingly. Like they can wiggle at certain moments but they just do that on their own.

Coffee or tea? Tea all the way.

Cookies, cake or donuts? Cake

Did you ever participate in a talent show? Nope, because I’m not talented lol

Did you go to prom? We don’t have that here :/

Did you like school? Yes and no. Some parts were great, like my friends and certain teachers, and some parts were horrible, like homework and certain other teachers.

Do you believe in ghosts? No, but I won’t deny their existence if I see one.

Do you bite your nails? Nah

Do you consider yourself a good cook? I get by (I seriously just accidently typed bi) but you don’t want me to cook for you.

Do you enjoy dancing? If no one’s looking yeah, or if I’m a little tipsy

Do you enjoy DIY or crafts? I haven’t done anything like that in years, because everything I make with my hands winds up looking like a 4 year old made it oops

Do you forgive easily? Very easily. I believe everyone deserves multiple chances, and deserves redemption. I could even forgive Thanos some day if he really changed his ways.

Do you have a nickname? My friends call me whore (in a loving way)

Do you have any allergies? No but I recently had a weird reaction to what we thought to be a musquito bite, but I haven’t had anything like it before, or since.

Do you have any phobias? I have a fear of missing out, and a fear of not doing enough. I feel like I want to do and become everything I can in the world but there isn’t enough time in life and I have a hard time accepting that.

Do you have any piercings or tattoos? Nope

Do you have children? Nope, but shoutout to all parents out there who try

Do you have pets? I have a goldfish :)

Do you have siblings? I have 2 sisters

Do you prefer dogs or cats? DOGS

Do you prefer Mac or PC? PC

Do you prefer the beach or the mountains? Beach anyday

Do you prefer to bath or shower? I haven’t had a bath in years because we only have a shower, so I honestly don’t know

Do you sing in the shower? When no one’s home, I sometimes hum or sing softly

Do you smoke? No, and I think it’s really disgusting if someone smokes. Like, it’s your choice of course, but you ain’t coming near me with that.

Do you speak any different languages? I speak Dutch and English, I can understand some German and speak a little too, but hardly.

Do you still have your wisdom teeth? They weren’t pulled, but not everyone gets them right?

Do you still watch cartoons? Hell yeah. Both Avatar cartoons are still some of the best things to come to this earth.

Do you/have you played any sports? I used to do archery

Does your name have a special meaning? Nope, my parents just liked it.

Have you ever been hospitalized? Not where I actually had to stay or anything. All my hospital visits were ‘voluntarily’ 

Have you ever been on a diet? Nope

Have you ever been to a concert? I’ve never bought tickets to go to a specific concert but I went to a festival which had several major concerts.

Have you ever gone camping? Yeah and I hate it ugh

Have you ever met any celebrities? I saw Steven Moffat having dinner with his wife ones, but his wife looked at me like she did not want me to disturb them, so I left them to eat in peace.

Have you ever skipped class? Yeah, but in classes where I knew I wouldn’t get in trouble.

Have you ever won something? Probably? Can’t think of anything big now

Have you had braces? Yeah and they were awful.

How are you feeling right now? I’m alright, but my fingers are getting tired from writing all these answers.

How tall are you? 1.92 m (6′3.5″)

If money were no object what would you get for your next birthday? A house, because I want to move out but finding an affordable place here is near impossible.

If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? London probably. Or Brooklyn, or Amsterdam.

Were you ever a scout or a brownie? No? What’s a brownie? Other than a treat.

What city were you born in? Amsterdam

What did you last eat? Mac and Cheese

What did you want to be when you were younger? Everything really. From a physicist to a policeman to an astronaut.

What do you do on a typical Friday night? I’m at home most nights because of school, but now that school’s finished I might go out more :)

What is one food that you refuse to eat? Chicory

What is one item on your bucket list? Meet Harrison

What is one item you can’t live without? My phone

What is your shoe size? EU: 43 US: 9.5-10

What movie have you watched repeatedly? Captain Americ: Civil War

What phone do you have (Apple or Android)? Android. It’s an LG, but I need a new one.

What should you be doing right now? Writing a job application

What’s one goal you would like to accomplish this year? Come out to my mum and my sisters.

What’s one of your pet peeves? Tourists that don’t appear to understand the concept of sidewalks.

What’s the last song you’ve listened to? Does soundtrack count? I’m listening to ‘Charge!’ by Alan Silvestri as I’m writing this answer.

What’s the most expensive item of clothing that you own? I honestly have no idea. I don’t remember how much everything is worth, because it’s all pretty cheap. I guess my coat is more expensive than the rest but coats are always more expensive.

What’s the thing you can’t leave the house without? My phone, again. I’m helpless without it.

What’s your best physical feature? I like that I tan pretty easily

What’s your Chinese sign? I’m a dragon

What’s your current obsession? Marvel, but that’s not new.

What’s your dream car? I don’t really know, but most sports cars are really awesome

What’s your favourite animal? Penguins and dogs

What’s your favourite book? I haven’t really read books for fun in a long time, so I don’t think I have a single favourite book, but all Harry Potter’s are great.

What’s your favourite colour? Dark blue or dark green

What’s your favourite dessert? Tiramisu is incredible when done right

What’s your favourite drink? Non-alcoholic: Fanta Alcoholic: Vodka

What’s your favourite food? Pizza

What’s your favourite foreign food? Pizza is technically foreign

What’s your favourite gadget? My smartphone is my everything

What’s your favourite hobby? Is Netflix a hobby? Then Netflix. If not, it’s anything to do with film.

What’s your favourite movie? Captain America: Civil War, or Wall-E

What’s your favourite restaurant? Well it’s a small place that’s just a stand alone business, so probably none of you know it because it’s like 200 m form my house haha

What’s your favourite sandwich? I don’t eat sandwiches all that often

What’s your favourite season? Summer

What’s your favourite series? Doctor who is the best

What’s your favourite snack? Crisps

What’s your favourite sport to watch? Figure skating

What’s your favourite thing to have for breakfast? I usualy have toast but I prefer a fried egg with bacon.

What’s your full name? Wouldn’t you like to know?

What’s your longest relationship so far? Not even a month lol

What’s your lucky number? I don’t really have one? 8 is nice I guess. Or 12.

What’s your star sign? I’m a libra

When is your birthday? The 24th of september

Which city did you grow up in? Amsterdam

Which city do you live in now? Amsterdam

Who do you miss right now? Clara Oswald <3

Who is your celebrity crush? Harrison Osterfield of course

Who’s your favourite fictional character? Clara Oswald <3

That’s it! Thanks for following me, and I love you :)

[two-friends-read-hp]

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

CHAPTER SIXTEEN: The Goblet of Fire

Ah, now we’re talking… Let’s get this plot moving!

Can you imagine your crush*coughcough* I mean “favourite quidditch player” just showing up at your school because apparently he hasn’t graduated yet? And now your school has to host his school for this deadly tournament? The fanfiction writes itself...

Lol, the girls looking around for quills, and that girl who’s wondering if he’ll sign her hat in lipstick, I have news for you: HE’S GOING TO BE HERE FOR THE REST OF THE SCHOOL YEAR. RELAX.

Ron!! Not you too!! 

Is there really a place for all the students at the regular house tables? I seriously overestimated the amount of students that go to this school… or even the other schools

Of course the Dumstrang students went to the Slytherin table

Lol remember how smug Malfoy was when he thought he was going to be best friends with Harry Potter? And now he’s trying the same thing with Krum?

Haha, saying the Dumstrang students look “a lot happier than the Beauxbatons lot” really says a lot about Beauxbatons

Lol, the Hogwarts students laughing when the Beauxbatons students stood up when their headmistress entered the room says a lot about the discipline of Hogwarts students

Ugh, I take back what I said about the Beauxbatons’ discipline, a girl just derisively laughed in the middle of Dumbledore’s speech

Lol, Ron, it’s just French cuisine, it’s not even from the outside of Europe

There were barely twenty additional students there????? How many students go to these schools???? Ten each?????

OMG is derisive-laugh-girl Fleur Delacour?? 

Lol, Hermione’s just not having a good day today is she

Hahaha “‘They don’t make them like that at Hogwarts!’ ‘They make them okay at Hogwarts,’ said Harry without thinking. Cho happened to be sitting only a few places away from the girl with the silvery hair.”

“‘When you’ve both put your eyes back in,’ said Hermione briskly, ‘you’ll be able to see who’s just arrived.’” LOL, love you, Hermione

Ooooh, it’s starting!

Haha Bartemius sounds dumb, Bartholomew sounds cooler

Oh was Bagman working on the Triwizard Tournament for the last few months? Is that why he wasn’t really doing anything at the Quidditch World Cup? Or is he just a slacker? I guess we’ll have to find out…

Oh so there’ll be five judges, and it’s good that two of them are somewhat impartial… 

Dennis Creevey stood on his chair and still couldn’t see?? How tiny is he?? Were other people standing on chairs too??

Do children really need to be tested on their ability to cope with danger? I understand the testing of their magical prowess, their powers of deduction and even their daring, but do we really need to willingly put them in danger?? Is it really that entertaining?

Ooooh finally, they’re talking about the Goblet of Fire!

Also if I didn’t already know what the Goblet of Fire was, I would absolutely be confused by those words. To start with, I didn’t even know what the word ‘goblet’ meant at the age I was when Goblet of Fire was released, and even if I did, I would have wondered if the goblet itself was made of fire, and what on earth made Rowling even come up with it?

Also I feel like Harry Potter and the Triwizard Tournament would’ve been a better title for this book… mainly because the Goblet of Fire is talked about only in a couple of chapters I think… it’s never really mentioned again after the champions have been chosen and the Tournament is under way. So if the reason for the title is only mentioned in a few chapters, then the book could’ve been called Harry Potter and the Maze of Death, or Harry Potter and the Golden Egg, or even Harry Potter and the Riddle House! It’s mentioned more than the Goblet of Fire I think! I guess the whole plot kind of depends on the Goblet, so maybe that’s why it was named after it? And maybe Triwizard Tournament is a bit on the nose… Goblet of Fire really does make you wonder what the book could possibly be about without really giving anything away. Ok, I guess that whole rant was for no reason lol

Oh it’s a wooden cup. And it’s large. One large goblet of fire please

Oh wow the cup was full of flames while it was in the bejeweled chest? 

Lol now that we know what the Goblet of Fire is, the question still remains, how is it going to choose champions? LET’S FIND OUT

Oh wow they only have twenty-four hours to decide if they want to be champions? Oh wait, Dumbledore already told them about it earlier, so I guess they had enough time to decide

Of course they’re going to pick the names on Halloween night, everything important in the Harry Potter universe happens on Halloween night

Please be very sure you want to enter the death tournament, as there is no backing out after you enter, so no pressure

Why are Fred and George still keen on entering this tournament? Why am I wasting my time asking?

Ah, I see, people only see the glory and can’t really see what it will take to get the glory

Lol, the other hopeful Dumstrang boy asking Karkaroff for wine when Krum just turned down his offer… the poor fool

Now that I know Karkaroff has white hair, I keep imagining him looking like Saruman the White, but with a haircut… y’know?

Ooh, Karkaroff found Harry

Hah, now they’re all staring at Harry like how Ron was staring at Krum, the Dumstrang students are probably used to being around a famous person though

Oooh, Halloween was on a Saturday!

Lol, I bet Dumbledore already knew that Fred and George were gonna try this

Oh ok, it’s because he knew in general that some of his students would absolutely try this

Aww, Dumbledore complimented their beards! That’s sweet of him

Oh wow, I just realised that this chapter is pretty long

Hey, how come Lee didn’t try it out? Unless they transformed before he could jump in so he was saved the trouble of even trying

You mean to say there aren’t already live bats around the enchanted ceiling? Or do they only come out at Halloween?

Hey! Don’t be calling Warrington a sloth! Sloths are cute! Don’t insult sloths

Tbh I think a Slytherin champion would be perfect, they’re shrewd, cunning, ambitious, and I feel like they would actually weigh the pro’s and con’s before taking the leap (I’m looking at you, Gryffindors)

Ooooh, go Angelina Johnson!

Why is everyone hating on Cedric? He seems like a nice person… when Harry fell off his broom last year he wanted to forfeit his win because he didn’t know that happened when he caught the snitch. He’s even in Hufflepuff for goodness sake! I guess people are just jealous that he’s nice and has good looks

“‘Yeah, better you than Pretty-Boy Diggory,’ said Seamus, causing several Hufflepuffs passing their table to scowl heavily at him.” I love that the worst thing the Hufflepuffs do in this moment is ‘heavily scowl at him’

Come on Ron, you’re really asking what’s with Hermione constantly advocating for house-elf rights?? It’s Hermione! Have you ever known her to not do anything at a 110% capacity?

Ah, yes, it’s the veela-girl

“‘What d’you reckon’ll happen to the ones who aren’t chosen?’ Ron muttered to harry as the veela-girl dropped her parchment into the Goblet of Fire. ‘Reckon they’ll go back to school, or hang around to watch the tournament?’” Ohhh ok, so did they just invite the students that were eligible for the tournament to Hogwarts?? Because then that would explain the numbers

I think the skrewts are probably the worst thing about this book

I guess Fred and George can’t actually just shave their beards, they’re probably magical… Is Dumbledore’s beard magical I wonder?

Oooh, the school champions are going to be announced! Exciting!

Poor Hagrid… he’s just trying his best to look good!

There’s a lot of love in the air lol

They’ve finally finished eating! Here we go…

I didn’t expect to be this excited lol

How does Dumbledore know that the Goblet will be ready in one minute?

Oooh, the lights have been dimmed! Sort of!

It’s starting…!

The champion for Dumstrang!

Ah, who’d’ve guessed it would be Viktor Krum? Everyone apparently

Beauxbatons!!

Did Joanne mean for Fleur Delacour’s name to rhyme?

Oh, also, I just realised that Beauxbatons means ‘beautiful…. batons’ I guess, and Fleur Delacour means ‘flower of the court’...

Ah yes, we find out now that derisive-laugh, veela-girl is Fleur Delacour

Oh wow, the other Beauxbatons students didn’t take that well at all

Ooooh, now comes the moment of truth! Hogwarts championnnnn!

Cedriiccccc!!! Wooowoo!! Hufflepuuuufffff!!!!!

Boo Ron!! And yaay Hufflepuffs!! The whole house got on their feet!! They’re probably excited because for once it wasn’t Slytherin or Gryffindor stealing the limelight

Ohh the Goblet of Fire has turned red again?? Whatever for? All the champions have been picked haven’t they?? Hmm, strange indeed…

It seems the Goblet of Fire wants to stir up some drama here… is it sentient?

Harry Potter?? No that can’t be… How can his name be entered into a dangerous tournament that can almost definitely result in his untimely death? How could such a thing happen to this boy?? Strange times indeed… NEXT CHAPTER!

Chapter 17

#HPGOF #Harry Potter #harry potter and the goblet of fire #hp gof #harry potter thoughts #harry potter reread

[catsbythegreat]

A Soukoku Fic Rec List From the Authors Themselves!

Hey everyone! This is gonna be a long rec list, so buckle up! My Soukoku Server alongside Chuuya’s Harem have had an event this past week asking Soukoku writers to rec the fics they’re most proud of writing for skk. It can be hard to get recognition in a big fandom, and sometimes as a fic writer it’s hard to feel proud of your work, so we wanted to spread some positivity and visibility while having fic authors be proud of all the hard work they’ve done! 

The submissions we’ve gotten over the past week are amazing! They range from tragedy to angst to fluff to crack and there’s something for everyone. You might know a few of these fics, and a few of them might be new to you, but they all demonstrate our love for soukoku! Here are the fics, with comments from the authors themselves: 

sonderesque

This- http://archiveofourown.org/works/10002131 is an abstract piece that is pretty much just poetry and I actually kinda like it and it'd be amazing if it got checked out, although it is one of my older ones (angst ofc)

And this one- http://archiveofourown.org/works/9912410/chapters/22212713 I'm fond of, because it's Hanahaki and even if it was a gift, I enjoyed writing it a lot, and it was really, really fun to write

Oh my- here's one of the most stupid things I have ever written- https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wkiRRumJYd_67P1XuOXLZn7b6ANSDdTLvx6QLZiZw0M/edit?usp=sharing Dedicated to @Rose and it's a piece of crack and ridiculousness.

@kageyamas-mom

This is a piece I wrote when a certain someone wanted to do a fic trade (I wrote angst for her, she wrote fluff for me) - it's an introspective thing from Chuuya's POV. I enjoyed writing it! http://archiveofourown.org/works/8578450

crimson-snowdrift

These fics have been submitted for SKK Week, Days 1, 2, and 6 respectively. All of these are fluff Soukoku fics and I consider them as my best works so far (in my 1 month of going back to writing lol) and I hope you'll enjoy reading them as much as I enjoyed writing them!

Wish - http://archiveofourown.org/works/11304546 (Chuuya reminisces that time eight years ago, when he first attended a festival with Dazai.)

Hanami - http://archiveofourown.org/works/11314278 (Dazai appreciates some of the many things he loves about Chuuya.)

Musings - http://archiveofourown.org/works/11362332 (Dazai's thoughts on Chuuya, inspired with quotes from his real life counterpart. Has a chapter 2 ready, this time from Chuuya's POV)

@kiimone

henlo henlo these are my three favorite skk fics and they might be a little (very) shitty but they're the best ones i got!! i hope you enjoy~

http://archiveofourown.org/works/11171838 this one is a recent one and a greek mythology au abt dazai being a merchant and chuuya being a sea nymph! they fall slowly in love and care abt each other a lot (pain level: 2/10)

http://archiveofourown.org/works/10841241 this is a fic that im most proud of!! it was a commission fic about chuuya having scars from using corruption for too long and hating his own image but dazai helping him get through it by showing him his own scars (pain level: 100000/10)

http://archiveofourown.org/works/9848708 this was VERY long ago but it was a fic for rose on valentine's day abt a fantasy au! chuuya is a white mage and dazai is a wyvern-riding cavalier who always gets himself in trouble!! they fight demons and monsters together while on a quest to find an abandoned city (pain level: 3/10)

Daanny

these are both old ish

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7919491 - chuuya and dazai make an agreement, it's pretty straightforward lol - the description in the first bit of story was rlly pretty and i spent a lot of time trying to create the flow

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8249605 - soulmate AU and hanahaki AU - used a number of symbolisms thru story also flower language is pretty yeah

@fraink5

I'm going to casually leave my fics here: 

http://archiveofourown.org/works/9942896 “Bah Humbug”- Christmas by Himself this Year - Summary:  Dazai thought he would be spending Christmas alone until he ran into Chuuya, who he supposes is better company than no one. pls I know it's a Christmas fic, but it's my first Soukoku fic, and I'm proud.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/11308074 Trust Fall - Summary: '“Don’t worry; you can trust me.” Dazai assured Chuuya, who was at this point already falling. Chuuya tumbled forcefully into Dazai’s extended arms. He squirmed briefly but quickly gave up upon realizing that he could not escape. Chuuya and Dazai had their own trust fall, which worked most of the time.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/11336511/chapters/25372383 Conqueror - Summary: After the death of his father, Chuuya inherits the role of the shogun, the most powerful man in Feudal Japan. On the other hand, Dazai is the emperor, a position which holds little to nothing besides money. In their various encounters, Dazai has his heart set on one thing: control of the shogunate. Historical AU. Also my first multi-chapter fic.(edited)

@maiea-maiea

Okay so....... 

http://archiveofourown.org/works/10829463/chapters/24033585 - This is probably my most popular fic, "Leather" it's nicknamed The Ass Fic, becuase it's basically all about how much Dazai loves Chuya's perfectly shaped, firm and pert ass. It's a wip at 11chapters so far. However, I treat this like a sitcom fic, each chapter is like an episode of a comedy show.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/10742775/chapters/23813706 - This is "The Seasons" and my first multichapter fic I had ever written. Most people who follow and read my humour fics would probably find this a bit weird because this is legitimately a 5 chapter romance fic sorta slow burn skk. It's based on an ADA tempered Dazai coming back and taking the helm of the Port Mafia, (sorta mentioning he's reforming it), with the focus on him realizing he's maybe in love with Chuya. And I aged them up here so it's my take on how older and more mature skk can get together and actually make a healthy relationship.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/11009571 - "The Redhead Gets The Upperhand" - I was conflicted on which fic to choose for my third. I have 3 fave oneshots, and I know some of the others are funnier (I have been so told, haha), but I feel like I really got the pacing of my humour writing the best in here. It's basically Chuya playing Dazai and Dazai knowingly and willingly playing along. I had fun with the idea that Chuya sends Dazai increasingly risque selfies while Dazai is at work during the day. XD

𝓐𝓼𝓱𝓮𝓻𝓑𝓵𝓪𝓬𝓴𝔀𝓸𝓸𝓭 (Asher Blackwood)

This is Gospel

  http://archiveofourown.org/works/9386330/chapters/21248921 - Description; Okay so I have several fics, all of which are pretty fortunately well-regarded (thanks!), but this one is my first and is by a mile my favorite. Inline with canon and captures the way that I think modern SKK works, with both of them kind of orbiting around each other due to being so closely attached as children but without necessarily being very affectionate. Also, Chuuya gets the upper hand and does not die.

@ch-ch-ch-chuuya ( @hybridempresswriting ) 

“You Won’t Lose Me (So Don’t Leave Me Behind)” http://archiveofourown.org/works/9352388 I don’t actually expect anyone to read this all this week because it is a multi-chap fic but it is the one that I am the most proud of. It’s the first multi-chap fic that I’ve ever successfully completed, the word count makes it about as long as the third Harry Potter book, and it was written for my friend Lady based on our soukoku rp where Dazai convinces Chuuya to join the ADA. It’s my proudest work, I love it more than anything. 

“Fair Enough” http://archiveofourown.org/works/9054943 My longest oneshot ever and something I am particularly proud of because tealillie recced it which absolutely made my day. It’s a flowershop AU with a twist--Dazai is still a detective and Chuuya is an ex-convict, and Chuuya gets it bad for this detective; so bad he develops the hanahaki disease.

“Absolutely Ridiculous” http://archiveofourown.org/works/9607931 a bit short and fluffy about how Chuuya and Dazai like to take baths together. This is what really got me into wanting to write more fluff about these two and I just think it’s really funny? I’m very proud of it.

@leio13

Yo! Here are my fics! (I had four actually, but oh well, one of them is barely soukoku anyway): 

Snow Day(http://archiveofourown.org/works/8838169): Chuuya notices a mysterious brunette collapse in the snow. "the stranger collapsed. He fell face-first into the two-feet snow blanket. Amused, Chuuya watched for a minute, waiting for the strange brunette to push himself out of the snow, but he didn’t, and snow began to lightly accumulate onto the back of his thin brown jacket. Oh shit…"

Still Alive(http://archiveofourown.org/works/11260242): It's Dazai's birthday, and Chuuya finally decides to give him what he wants. "Chuuya inhaled slowly, his breath trembling between his lips, and reentered the apartment. He strolled into the bedroom, sweat dripping down his forehead. 'Okay, Dazai. I’m ready.' "'Okay, Chuuya.' Dazai lay still on the white sheets with a small angelic smile gracing his face. He had even changed into a suit for the occasion. It all hurt Chuuya so much."

The Secret Garden (http://archiveofourown.org/works/11070258/chapters/24687762): Dazai, the son of a rich lord, stumbles upon a servant in the courtyard, but the servant isn't supposed to be there. What will happen next? (a multi-chapter fic in the works) "Amongst the array of wild flowers, blooming festively in a multitude of colors, Dazai spotted the most novel specimen leaning flush against the large, vine coiled trunk of one of the several trees that shaded the area. Dazai crept closer. The creature, which he soon reasoned was one of the younger servants, had bright, unkempt hair that fell to his shoulders in messy curls. The boy had the palest skin Dazai had ever seen, almost as pale as the sanguinaria planted nearby, and was currently asleep. Small splotches of sunlight waltzed across his innocent face through the leaves. It was a sight Dazai wouldn’t dare disturb if his curiosity and longing for novelty had been any less overwhelming."(edited)

@unfortunatesylveon

http://archiveofourown.org/works/11390715 Hey everyone, this is my first and only fic I've written. I'm genuinely proud of it ^^

@kevindxy

http://archiveofourown.org/works/11363979  this is the skk fic that i'm happiest with because it's apocalyptic themed and i think i captured the mood of it better than i usually do in my writing ^^

@catsbythegreat

"the beautiful various dreams" http://archiveofourown.org/works/11249238 is a coma au that I thought about for a while and I really like how it turned out because I was scared for a while of trying to write dreams and reality mixing together. 

"Mistake" http://archiveofourown.org/works/10609371 I really enjoyed writing this idea that working in the Mafia has effects and dealing with the effects in a place where you can't show weakness is incredibly hard. This one also had a weird format that I had to plan a lot, and I was happy to pull it together. 

"Once More" http://archiveofourown.org/works/8897146/chapters/20391742 I don't expect people to read this because it's long af but it's basically my love letter to SKK and exploring their relationship and it's also one of the few longfics that I've actually seen through to a conclusion. So I'm proud that I finished it. It wasn't meant to be a longfic.

Kelly 

"And I Will Chase You Forever, If That's What It Takes" http://archiveofourown.org/works/11354586 This is my favourite fic I did for skk week.  I put a lot into it.  It's pretty Chuuya centric with lots of young soukoku and it looks at how Chuuya deals with the imbalance between him and Dazai.  (Also I'm a sucker for happy endings, even when they're mine)

"Winter Wonderland" http://archiveofourown.org/works/9102799 This is the purest fluff I have ever managed to write.  Nobody suffers at all, which in and of itself is an accomplishment.  Plus I had a great time writing it!

"Needs" http://archiveofourown.org/works/8541640 I like the different interactions in this one.  Lots of Chuuya hurting and Dazai comforting.  It highlights a softer side to Dazai and shows how aspects of their dynamic developed.

 @cyuya-nakahara

http://archiveofourown.org/works/10768806 You're Insufferable (We're Inseparable) this one is really important to me because it's a detailed look at the growth of their relationship, and is intended to cover everything. it's an intrinsic look at both sides.

 http://archiveofourown.org/works/10657617 A Typical Tuesday Night This one is a oneshot, set in the same verse as yiwi. I'm really proud of how it came out, the feelings I wanted to convey are, I feel, very well represented.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/10817004 A Different Sort Of Dance I really like the interactions I write in this one. it's on going and on pause, but I think what's there is worth a read. I like my writing and description in this one.

#soukoku #skk #dazai osamu #nakahara chuuya #bungou stray dogs #fic recs #discord

[thedoctorishereguys]

These Are Not Just Abstract Issues, They Have Real Consequences: Just in Time For Mother’s Day

I work in a store. Like CVS or Walgreens or Rite Aid. One of those. Pick one, they’re all basically the same. Pharmacy in the back, all sorts of shit you don’t need and is overpriced anyway in the front.

This week I came in and we had a whole bunch of stuff set up for Mother’s Day, which okay, duh, Mother’s Day is coming up and I’ve got nothing wrong with that.

But then my boss said to me, “Oh, don’t forget to wish all the women you see a Happy Mother’s Day.”

And I was like, No. No, I’m not going to do that, that’s a terrible idea.

First of all, it’s insulting. Not everyone is a mother, and assuming that they are just because they are female and adult is insulting. It comes down to the only thing we, as a society, expect of women is to be mothers. There’s no punishment in this particular case if you’re not, but it’s a casual reinforcement of some pernicious attitudes: that child-rearing is the ultimate end-goal in life and that you’re not a complete woman unless you have a family.

Even if you plan on being a mother some day, this is – or should be – insulting. Automatically assuming you are a mother should insult you. I am telling you right now that your only contribution is your children and that the only thing I am praising you for is having managed to have unprotected sex.

If you are childfree, it becomes extremely insulting. It completely invalidates my choice not to have children and tells me that since I am an adult woman, I logically must be a mother – anything else is inconceivable. That I willingly and freely choose not only not to be a mother yet but not to be a mother ever should be a valid, respected choice, but is instead treated as a malfunction.

If you wanted children, but could not have them for whatever reason – lack of a steady partner, infertility, adoption fell through – this is not only insulting, it is hurtful. This is a direct reminder that you should be a mother. You wanted to be a mother, and you maybe almost were. (I’m not even going to touch on “if your child died”). Assuming that oh of course you’re a mother means sweeping painful life experiences like these under the rug and blindly ignoring that in any given day, we will have several people who wanted children and could not have them. That is not good customer service, that is ripping into a wound.

Any one of these circumstances puts the woman on the spot – does she stop to explain that she’s not a mother and why? Personally, I would, because I’m sick of the attitude that everyone must want kids, even though I know the cashier probably has no control over saying shit like this. It puts women on the spot, and no matter what scenario, it stays with them for the day – especially if you’re reopening a raw wound. How many infertile women end up crying in their cars because we had to remind them that “oh haha you’re not a mother are you”? Shit, I’d probably cry in my car if that happened to me.

I hate to beat the feminism drum constantly, but this is why we need feminism. So people know there are other options for women than mother. We’re halfway there, women have options such as doctor, astronaut, prime minister (but not president), scientist, engineer, etc, etc, etc,… but it seems to me society is still going, okay but “doctor… and mom”, “astronaut… and mom”, “prime minister… and mom”, and so on. We need to learn to drop the ‘… and mom’ part.

So no, I was not wishing women a Happy Mother’s Day. Sure, some moms may have wondered why I slighted them, but I think a lot more women appreciated that I did not just assume that because they came and presented as women, they were also mothers.

#feminism #this is why we need feminism #mother's day #i think therefore i am i think #childfree #infertility #retail

[canaryatlaw]

Well, today was interesting, on a few levels lol. Woke up at 6:30, half hour early as they're doing a whole breakfast thing at work this morning, all went as it should and I got to work and DIDNT set off the regular metal detector for the first time in literally months, so that adds to my suspicion that it had something to do with my winter coat (cuz I wouldn't set it off at the other courthouse when I put it through the machine). So that was interesting. Got to my office in plenty of time and offered to help set up but nobody wanted my help haha they were all like "no no we got it you're fine!" Lol. It was also apparently bring your kid to work day, so there were a bunch of cute little 10-12 year olds running around with name tags and then "future ____" whatever they wanted their profession to be, which ranged from president to superstar. But they had a really nice breakfast spread so that was quite enjoyable. After I went to my office and decided if I didn't have anything to do (I didn't) I was gonna start studying for crim pro II (start studying less than a week before the test, God I'm such an upperclassman it's awful) on quimbee. I didn't want to be watching their videos and like drawing attention to myself so I just took their little quizzes after the videos to see where I fell. Their quizzes are weird though, because they always turn on like, stupidly specific facts that don't really matter, but their explanation of the law at least is helpful. As I neared the end of the quizzes (they have a whole lot less material on this half of crim pro than the other half, sadly) I started feeling really sleepy, as a result of having woken up early presumably, so I closed my door and rested on my desk for a little bit, then tried to go back to work but kept being like, overtaken by sleep and every so often I would like jerk awake and I would form some plan to go to my supervisors office and tell him I needed to go home and sleep before slipping back into unconsciousness, and that probably happened about 6 or 7 times until I was actually woken up by everyone finally coming up from court. So I check my phone and it's 1 o clock......which means I dozed off for probably a solid hour and a half and everyone was in court so nobody caught me/cared? It was just weird for me because I'm like not just the kind of person who falls asleep sitting up, like I can't even remember the last time that's happened (when I was on tour everyone would sleep in the vans on the way to the schools since it was typically like 4 am but I never could get myself to fall asleep) so this was very strange. And I was definitely under the impression my being jerked awake were a lot closer in time, like every 20 seconds maybe, not every 20 minutes lol so that was odd. They got an hour for lunch though since court ran long, so since it was my out to lunch day I went out with my supervisor and only one other lawyer for the calendar was able to join us unfortunately, but we went to the little bakery across the street that sells everything and I'm quite fond of their pizza haha, and I also learned that the family that owns it is also the owner of lemonheads- like the sour candy things? They always had them at their register but apparently my supervisor went to law school with one of the sons and that was their thing. He's so funny, he was like "oh I haven't been here in like 15 years!" and then of course he totally loved it and was like "I'll have to come here more often!" And I'm just like lol you're such a cute older man (not in a romantic way obviously, just dorky and cute in an awwww kind of way). So we had a very nice lunch, then ended up running back into court for which was one of the most interesting cases I think I've seen really. It's been in the system since 2013, and the judge is really frustrated about that fact because he thinks that's way too long (it is) plus at least three of the four kids have had upwards of 10 placements which is INSANE but the issue is whether they want to keep working with the parents or terminate and go to adoption, and honestly it was a rough call. The parents were putting in efforts, that's for sure, but they were still dropping the ball in some important areas. The agency had clearly made up its mind towards TPR but everyone else was a bit more hesitant. Our GAL said several times that his clients (the 3 verbal ones at least, the youngest is 1, and was there today and is oh so cute) have expressed on numerous occasions that they want to go back. And the two girls in the middle aren't in a stable placement that wants to adopt, but we also don't want the case to just languish in the system, so it's really a tough call. What really got me at the end though was when the bio dad and the foster father of the baby girl addressed the court. They had been having full family visits at the foster parents house twice a month with both parents and all the kids. And the bio dad just got up there and you could tell he was a "tough guy" or whatever but he started getting very emotional about how hard they're trying to do everything right here but life things do tend to get in the way, but you could just really really tell that he loved his children, like LOVED his children, and even when there's plenty of parents in this building that want their kids back, that kind of raw love isn't all that common in this courthouse. The foster father is what really got me though. Apparently it was a fictive kin placement since the baby was born after the case came in under risk of harm, so she went to the godparents, and from what I can tell the foster father is also the pastor of their church. And man, he just got up there and spoke about how they're the only people they get to see the parents interact with all the kids and how much the parents love the kids and how badly the kids want to be returned home to their parents, and he described how he would have to drive the two middle girls back to their placement (it was a ways out of the city) after the visits and how he was the only person there to hear their sobs and screams that they wanted their mommy and daddy, and that was the point at which I had to close my eyes and just breathe so I didn't start crying in the middle of court. And like, of course emotion complicates things, but you can't just ignore them here when it's such an important part of the decision, really. The judge ultimately decided he wasn't going to enter a goal today (a goal meaning what the case is working towards- a return home goal versus a termination goal) and he wanted to talk to the kids themselves before doing so, which I thought was a smart assessment. It's just such a hard case, because you want to keep giving the parents chances, but I mean, 4 years, that's a lot of chances been given, where does it end? It's such a hard call. I think it was really good though that the foster parent was aligned with the bio parents, and even though they've had this baby girl since she was 9 days old and have completely raised her as their child, they would still willingly turn her over to her parents, and I mean, that's amazing for me to think about. But yeah, we ended eventually, and went back up at like 4:36ish, at which point I had to review my final review for field placement with my supervisor. Most of it was great and very complimentary, there were a few small commends about some of the attorneys saying I didn't like seek out work enough but that was definitely something I had been doing recently so I'm not concerned about that. So that was nice. And yeah, that was my last day, for now at least. I don't know if I'm gonna end up on the same calendar really, I guess we'll have to see what happens, but I really hope I do. Alright, so after that I left and headed to school to chill for a few before the PAD event tonight, and chatted with a nice lady from appeals for most of the trip. Once I got to school I got back on quimbee and took their "final exam" for that section that's 20 questions, and reviewed the answers on that for a while. I think I'm in a fairly good place with the class right now. I'm gonna keep studying obviously, but I'm feeling okay about my chances at a good grade for now. After not too long other people showed up, I heated up and ate the rest of my pizza because I knew there would only be shit food at the event I couldn't eat, lol, then we headed over, it was right close to school. The captain of the PAD mock trial team/former justice was there already, along with that guy she brought to judge one of our scrimmages that I'd had some fun conversations with. So I sat with them for a while and chatted and it was nice, then he said he had to go get his girlfriend's laundry out of the dryer so it didn't wrinkle, which I found to be an unfortunate statement because he was rather cute but *shrug* oh well. So I just talked to other people for the rest of the time and it was nice, we took some pictures of the old and new boards so that was nice. I ended up leaving a little after 9, and decided to uber home because it was cold and windy AF and I somehow actually misjudged the weather in preparing for it (I'm usually very good at this) and just had my suit jacket and I was like yeah no this walk home from the train isn't happening. So I figured that being that I wasn't under any specific time crunch this would be a good time to see if my uber app was actually up and functional, so I did and went for pool just for kicks and because it was like $6 instead of $20, and it did work, so I got in the car which showed up soon, then we drove a bit and picked up another lady who I started talking to pretty much immediately, she's working on a Latino Theatre Initiative here in Chicago which apparently has never been done before so of course we talked about theatre and other things as they came up, and it was a nice refreshing discussion. She got dropped off, then me a bit later, around 10 pm. I decided to watch designated survivor because I am honestly quite addicted to the show, though I suppose I'm not following any of the fandom (if there is one? It strikes me as kind of an older-viewer focused show that might not have a whole online young people following) on here, but still I've been quite enjoying their episodes. I have to say, they're pulling off the whole huge government conspiracy thing really well, probably the best I've seen done. Prison Break put forth a strong effort on that point, but "the company" still always felt a bit contrived. DS is really rocking it though, the episodes are so compelling and the storylines work together very well, so I enjoyed that immensely. After I had just switched to live tv to find that once again friends was on, and this time I could actually stick around to watch it being that I get to mostly sleep in tomorrow. It wasn't an episode I particularly remembered, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. Unfortunately as I was watching I was trying to get all my field placement shit turned in so I could just have it off my plate, I discovered that in order to meet the requirements I technically had to have one more meeting with my faculty advisor, even though we've discussed it all to death over the last two semesters, so I sent her an email saying I'll come in whenever works for her along with one to the head of field placement saying I had everything else finished but that and was working to get a meeting, and part of me is hardcore hoping she just responds and is like "it's fine you can just go with what you have" but I don't think that is very likely at all, lol. I guess we'll see though. One more thing to get done. Ugh. Tomorrow is open except for PT, so hopefully I can convince myself to actually get some shit done, hopefully on the paper, I really need to buckle down and figure out the whole budget and all the other math stuff that is going to hurt my history/English/literary analysis brain that is not meant for math/science and such. Oh well. Just gotta get it done I guess. Okay, that's plenty of writing for now, and I am quite tired at this point, so I'm looking forward to sleeping in. Until then, goodnight my peeps. Happy Friday.

#daily journal #April 2017

[thedegenerateasexual]

more let’s talk about love under the cut, chapters 17-26:

chapter 17:

this is fully just a feenie and alice fight and tbh feenie is so in the wrong it’s ridiculous

“[Ryan] thinks we ditched you last night.”

“You did ditch me.” She laughed a little.

“Yeah. Well. Anyway, just call him.”

Alice couldn’t even pretend to be mad. Ryan had to be the sweetest person on the planet and besides, it had all worked out. “So you’re just not going to apologize?” she joked.

“Are you going to apologize?” Feenie shot back.

“For what?”

“For fucking leaving.”

(Ah, there it was.)

(Damn it.)

“Um, well, not to be petty, but you left me first.”

“We went upstairs. You actually left the party. That is not the same thing.” She looked Alice right in the eyes. “I’m not going to apologize for having sex with my boyfriend when you fucking jumped ship the first chance you got because you couldn’t stand being alone for thirty minutes. Miss me with that bullshit.”

WOW

dude she was ASSAULTED and could have been RAPED you do not get to be like that lmao it was unsafe for her to be there alone

so much for feenie being the good egg

chapter 18:

so she’s telling takumi about the fight and feenie and ryan and:

“Tell me about them. What do you like most?”

“Ryan is the literal light of my life. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone as considerate and driven as him. He’s all-around amazing. And Feenie, well, she’s my oldest friend and soulmate. Her word, not mine, but I believe it,” Alice said before laughing at a random memory that popped into her head. “When we were little, people used to call us Ebony and Ivory, which is kind of offensive now that I’m thinking about it.”

“But she’s dating Ryan? And you’re okay with that?” The back end of her taco fell onto her plate with a small bit of it landing on her shirt. Takumi passed her some napkins.

“Oh, it’s not like a romantic kind of soulmate,” she said, dabbing her shirt. “Feenie’s pretty hardcore, but she has her sentimental moments. Once she said if reincarnation were real, we’d meet each other in every single life because nothing can keep us apart. We’re meant to be.”

He looked confused. “If you’re soulmates, aren’t you supposed to be in love with each other? That’s how it works.”

“I suppose it could be romantic or whatever, but she has Ryan. They’re meant to be right now, but we’re meant to be forever, if that makes sense.”

He finished chewing before saying, “Not really.”

Oh Boy

omg aw he offered to let her crash at his place for a bit until it blows over

“I never lived with my best friends, but I know what it’s like when they start dating and suddenly, everything feels like them versus you and they’re all you have. You don’t have to slink around feeling terrible. If you need space, I have space.”

She wanted to kiss his cheek.

Kiss. His. Cheek.

alice is so gone. i have only liked someone enough to voluntarily kiss their cheek one (1) time. it’s a rare feeling. i guess she cheek kisses more than i do tho. she platonically cheek-kisses!

hahahahaha and so since he’s babysitting his nieces that evening guess who gets roped into it! i would probably literally kiss a stranger on the cheek before i willingly interacted with their children alone

chapter 19:

while crashed out at takumi’s alice looks at one of his photography albums:

Near the end of the album, it happened: Takumi and the girl kissing.

“Wow, you’re real fond of that whole kissing thing.”

“And you’re not?”

“I don’t dislike kissing.” Alice closed that album and picked another. “I also don’t take pictures of myself while doing it.”

alice u liar u hate kissing

haha look at her fishing around to see if it’s safe tho

“So,” Alice began, drawing out the word, “kissing is important to you?”

“Honestly expressing my feelings is important to me.” He flipped a page. There were several pictures of a bonfire at night. A Southeast-Asian guy with dewy brown skin was wrapped in a red blanket, laughing in one photo. “Sometimes that means kissing. Or spending three days editing photos and videos together for my brother. Or letting a girl I just met stay in my house and look through my pictures because she’s scared to go home.”

i cannot BELIEVE he is being so smooth when she is literally going thru pics of him & his ex...also like How Candid honestly

“I spend a lot of time trying to figure stuff out. Like, my feelings and sorting through my thoughts. I don’t think I overthink, but I like to know why things are the way they are for me and why they’re different for someone else.”

“I think everyone does that.”

“No, they don’t. At least, I don’t think they do. Not the way I do it,” she said. “So. Like. If I ask you something and it seems strange, I’m not being weird, I’m trying to understand.”

ACE MOOD like i said it’s a contemplative existence

chapter 20:

aw man alice went back to therapy after all just to talk about feenie and ryan (theyre still not speaking)

it’s not a v long chapter but anyways

chapter 21:

Ryan caved first.

THANK GOD

Feenie took longer to come around. No one mentioned anything, let alone apologized. Her simply consisted of asking Alice if Family Night for that week could be on Thursday. When she had learned Alice had been hiding at Takumi’s, she curiously had nothing to say, no questions to ask, no teasing jokes to make Alice squirm.

yikes

yk tho for real feenie is a really well written character...like alice, you want to like her, but part of you also wonder if the relation has played its course, which is heartbreaking. nice job 10/10

anyway she and ryan are hanging out and takumi called her from a bar for a ride lol he’s hammered 

and ryan like...really really tried to get her to not leave again and she kissed him on the cheek again? and before i was like, aw, cute, how platonic! and now i am Wary of both ryan and feenie. like is he emotionally cheating on feenie with her...is that a thing...i don’t like it

OH SHIT back at his house he’s gotten kind of rambly and:

“If you were dating someone, and you knew they loved you with their whole heart, had absolutely no doubts about it, could you cheat on them?”

Obviously, that question sent her mind into overdrive, connecting all the dots. A roommate who moved out suddenly. A part-time job to cover his rent. Essie telling her he’s single “now.”

Takumi had a someone.

A someone who had, apparently, cheated on him.

hhhhholy shit

“Me personally?” she asked finally. “No. I mean, it’s highly unlikely.”

Cheating on someone was one of those things she was destined to never understand. Choosing to not have sex with someone else didn’t seem like that hard of a concept to grasp, and yet she had comforted more than one person who had been cheated on.

you should NOT have to be ace to understand this shit why are people Like this

So he told her.

All of it.

Everything Alice did and didn’t want to know.

Takumi and his ex-girlfriend and former almost-wife, Rena, had started dating in college when they were nineteen. And it just … worked. They had gone to the same college, lived together for two years, and then earlier this year, she cheated on him. She had always been a social butterfly (his words) and an innocent flirt (her words), but when it came to some guy named Thad (Alice’s words: “Really? That’s his name?”), that innocence fluttered. Except it wasn’t only Thad. She cheated again with someone else. And once more for good measure before they broke up.

They began talking again a few weeks ago, very tentative (his words). Tomorrow night, they were supposed to have dinner to talk about being friends again and possiblyseeing if that could lead somewhere back to being together, but he had seen her kissing some guy downtown earlier. Which was why he was so drunk. He realized that even though she might have missed him (her words), she didn’t really want to be with him anymore (his words).

Y I K E S

ohhh man this is so sweet though like he asked her for relationship advice and she totally fumbled through it because of limited experience but she honest-to-god tried her best

chapter 22:

lol alice’s mom called and is on her ass about being a lawyer again...alice was like gimme 3 weeks to come up w/ a new plan bc i cant deal w/ being a lawyer im proud of her

oh shit it’s feenie backstory time

“Marie called me yesterday.” Marie—Feenie’s mom. “She worked whatever connections she has and had my case for fighting that dude in the bar last year thrown out. Apparently, that gave her the right to interrogate me. She wanted to know when I was going back to school, why I was wasting my life, why I was embarrassing her like this.” Feenie exhaled. “I want to have a family with Ryan because that’s what’s right for me. I don’t get how me wanting to get knocked up and be a housewife affects her. She doesn’t want me to have kids, so she’s never going to see them. Even if I die, she will never see them.”

Alice knew that. She’d known it for years.

In elementary school, when they were told to be doctors and astronauts and firefighters, Feenie stood up and said she wanted to be a mom. Back then, her favorite game had been House. Feenie was always the stay-at-home mom, while Alice was the working mom, and they had seven stuffed-animal children. Feenie did all the cooking, cleaning, and made sure Alice had her newspaper when she got home from work.

She wanted to be everything Marie hadn’t been for her even then.

Their relationship ultimately died when Marie wished Feenie had never been born. She said Feenie ruined all the plans she’d had for herself.

ohhhhh honey ))): okay some of my waryness has abated no wonder she’s like that

oh nevermind feenie immediately bit her head off when she mentioned takumi feenie sucks

chapter 23:

movie night with takumi and alice!! not much to copypasta but this near the end:

She took a deep breath. “I’m not ready to share. I don’t want to tell you.”

It was his turn to fix her hood. (He knew not to touch her hair.) “Okay,” he said. “You don’t ever have to tell me anything you don’t want to.”

But part of her did want to. Her secret shouldn’t even have been one—it should have been a nonissue. Why couldn’t being asexual just be accepted?

Why did she have to spend the rest of her life coming out over and over and over…? And once she did, would people always expect her to talk about it? It would always be a huge deal, she would always be subjected to questions, and she would always have to defend herself.

Would it ever stop feeling like A Thing, a barrier, between her and everyone else?

LITERALLY! god what a mood

chapter 24:

also short, but when alice spotted feenie shopping for wedding dresses and offered to come along we had this exchange:

Feenie clicked her tongue. “Sure you can pry yourself away from Takumi long enough to spend time with me?”

Alice sighed and stood up. Feenie didn’t stop her.

ok look 1. feenie was so disappointed they didnt bang and now this?? 2. she gets to ditch alice at the party to be with her BF but alice doesn’t get to date anyone?? wow

chapter 25:

i could have honestly pasted the entire thing because it’s so goddamn cute and i can’t pick a favorite part but the tl;dr is that takumi is sick and alice went over to take care of him and he kept talking about how great she was in a slightly fever-addled way

wait no i can paste my least favorite part:

“Yeah. I haven’t heard from him in two days, but he called in sick on Saturday.”

Ryan twirled the screwdriver between his fingers, focused. “Are you sure he’s actually sick?”

“It’s either that or he’s packing and needed some time off.” Alice shrugged. “He already signed the lease for his new place.”

“Maybe he’s doing something else that doesn’t involve you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Ryan’s face was so open, so honest. It always told the truth before he was ready to speak.

(Basically, he couldn’t lie to save his life.)

“I just think it’s funny that you talk to him and see him every day and all of a sudden he disappears and doesn’t tell you why. I mean, you’re guessing he’s sick or packing. You don’t actually know.”

WHY are they being like this with her wow they are HORRIBLE best friends

also, theyre getting married in 6 months vs two years suddenly. feenie moved up the date :/

chapter 26:

ALICE AND FEENIE AND RYAN ARE FINALLY HAVING IT OUT:

“You spend a lot of time with him.”

“You two spend a lot of time together without me.”

“That’s different. We’re engaged.”

“So I’m just supposed to sit around and wait for you both to remember I exist?”

“Of course not, but you shouldn’t edge us out. You’re the one making it as if it has to be him or us.”

“How am I doing that? And why is this all my fault? Why do you two have a Get Out of Ditching Alice pass that I’m supposed to accept because you say so? How is that fair to me?”

“We don’t ditch you,” Ryan said.

“You do. You have for years. I just don’t say anything because I don’t want us to fight, but the second I find an actual friend on my own, you two act like this. Neither of you said anything when I spent time with Margot. Why is Takumi suddenly different?”

shit dude! she’s right! and then feenie enters:

“Maybe we minded then and didn’t say anything either.”

Alice whipped around at the sound of Feenie’s voice. Feenie leaned against the refrigerator, arms crossed.

“Maybe,” she continued, “we were really hurt, but you were too busy being happy to notice. Just like right now.”

An enraged fierceness made the edges of Alice’s vision turn red. She balled her hands into fists. “I wouldn’t even have met Margot if you hadn’t decided to move in with Ryan at the last minute. The millisecond you two started dating, he came first. You started to choose him over me every single time.” She turned that rage on Ryan. “And you have always chosen her over me.” Her phone buzzed. “Takumi’s outside.” She slung her purse strap over her shoulder while marching for the door.

man this is fucking sad i hope they make this better somehow :/

anyway she goes to hang out w/ takumi and 

“You wound me, madam.” He clutched his chest, wincing. “Especially since it’s your fault. It’s hard not to have an ego when you’ve told me you love my beautiful face.”

“Shut it.”

“How beautiful are we talking here? What’s my code?”

She groaned. “Not this again.”

OMG IS SHE GONNA TELL HIM...i’m on the edge of my seat here

“Tell me and I’ll bake you cookies when I’m not sick.”

“What kind of cookies?” she asked, leaning back into his arms. “And you have to use real flour. None of that ultra-buckwheat high-fiber stuff.”

“Oatmeal chocolate chip?”

“Deal.” She stared at the ceiling. “Black. I’d like two dozen cookies, please.”

just shrieked

“Black? I thought the Cutie Code was Green to Red.”

“It is. Was.” The gears and wheels turning inside Alice’s head locked into place as realization sank in. Meeting Takumi had challenged everything she thought she knew about herself, made her work to find out who she was on a fundamental level. He challenged her in the best way possible, wholly unaware of the effect he had on her, pushing her so far out of her comfort zone she had to question everything. She had discovered, no, was still discovering, who she was now, who she wanted to be, what she could and could not handle. He had given her a reason to reconnect with herself.

Feenie had been right—this, he, would always be someone she would want to remember.

“You exceeded my Cutie Code,” she said. “You’re the reason why I retired it. I don’t need it anymore.”

NOOOOO she should keep her cutie code! don’t throw it away fro some boy! even a great boy! it’s too good!

“I need to tell you something.” She took a step back. “Like, whatever you’re going to say, don’t say it because I need to tell you this first.”

O H S H I T HERE IT COMES

i know this is probably a happy book and he’ll accept her but i’m still so stressed out

“So you know how some people like jogging?”

“I’m one of those people, so yes.”

“Ah, yeah, okay. That worked out.” Her breathy laugh sounded forced. “So, you see, I am not one of those people. I don’t care about jogging.”

“Mmm…” He squinted at her for a moment. “Somehow, I knew that.”

“Oh, great. Good. This is going well.” Her hands began to shake. She pressed her fingers to her lips to steel herself before continuing. “Now take the word jogging and replace it with sex.”

“You don’t like sex?”

(Wow, he asked that fast.)

“No.” She held up her hand. “No, the correct sentence is I don’t care about sex.” She took a deep breath and held it. “Because I’m not sexually attracted to anyone.”

HTAT’S A GREAT ANALOGY

that’s much better than my “i’m the way gay guys feel about girls and the way gay girls feel about guys all at the same time”

“Huh,” he said, face neutral. “I thought you were bisexual.”

“I am. Minus the sexual.” She waited, watching him process through her answer. She waited for the judgment, the questions, the confusion, the thoughtful concern followed by the inevitable interruptions. Second by second, it dawned on her that she waited in vain because he was waiting for her. “My sexuality is nope.” She laughed with relief because still, second by second, he continued to wait, to listen. So she laughed again, tiny bubbles of happy that floated out of her.

HES LISTENING TO HER I LOVE THIS NOBODY ELSE BOTHERED BUT HE’S LISTENING

“How many people have you told?”

“Explicitly? You’re number four. Feenie, Ryan, and a counselor I’m seeing.”

Takumi started to speak but closed his mouth and stood up straight, focusing on the counter. Each second he didn’t look at her made tiny seeds of dread bloom in the depths of her soul. “That’s why you’re happy,” he mumbled. He nodded as if he couldn’t stop and sighed before looking at her again. His eyes had taken on a glossy, reddened tint.

“Thank you for trusting me. Realizing that, um,” Takumi said, pausing for a moment, “that hit me kind of hard.”

“What do you mean?” Alice asked quietly.

“Four. Obviously, you’ve been keeping this a secret for a reason.”

She hadn’t been thinking about trust when she told him. Ryan and Feenie had been there when she figured it out (thank God). Dr. Burris had to pry it out of her, didn’t he? And she still couldn’t say the word properly to him. Telling Takumi had been a choice—not by chance or out of necessity. It was her decision, completely on her own.

(She trusted him.)

htis fucking book hasnt made me cry in like a dozen chapters and i thought the heavy shit was over but nooooooo

and like lol i keep saying this text is calling me out...not to get personal, Again, but literally u realize stuff about urself when you read shit like this...i always play like i’m so comfortable with everything but the truth is i put ace on my profile and let other people google it and it has nothing to do with me i never see it--i dont think i’ve ever told ANYBODY irl so like...tbh i couldn’t get it out as well as she did i bet like you go alice

“I wasn’t trying to have sex with you the other night,” he said. “And I am so, so sorry if I made you feel that way.”

He was so close and so far away, as if there was an imaginary pane of glass between them. She wanted him to hug her and make the tension go away.

“No, I didn’t think that at all. That’s not why I told you.”

“This should go without saying, but I’m going to say it anyway, partly because I want to, but also because I think you need to hear it. If knowing you’re asexual makes someone see you differently, then they don’t deserve to be in your life. My feelings for you are exactly the same as they were an hour ago. This doesn’t change anything between us.”

HEYYYYYYYYYY YEAH!!!!! i’m so happy for her!!!!!!!!!!!!! if anybody ever said anything like this to me i’d die on the spot!!!!!!!! YOU GO ALICE

gotta break this post here bc it’s getting long again, hopefully i can finish the rest of the book before dawn & in the next one

#personal #LTAL