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argisthebulwark · 2 days

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Nothing Left For Me, I Am Pleading

summary: The fallout after you learn he's cheated on you. gn reader, no pronouns or y/n used. feat: Vilkas, Miraak, Farkas, Brynjolf, Cicero warnings: angsty hurt/no comfort. cheating in an established relationship. swearing. reference to sexual acts, nothing explicit. masterlist

Vilkas' fingers are uncharacteristically chilly when they grab your arm. Your stomach churns at the contact - mere hours had passed since they'd touched someone else. "Don't go." You see every muscle in his body tense - does he anticipate you lashing out at him? Your anger is far too cold for that, a detached hatred that drowns out any love you've felt for him. "Give me one good reason to stay." You sniff, glaring up at the man you've loved so deeply that it hurt. Your heart is shredding in your chest but you refuse to show him. After last night, he does not deserve to see you hurt. You will grant him no opportunity to comfort you. "I thought of you the whole time." "Is that supposed to make me feel better?" You seethe, wrenching your arm from his grasp. "How kind of you to remember me while fucking some stranger at the tavern." "Please." His voice is caught in his throat when he steps closer, hand still reaching uselessly toward you. "I - we just lost Kodlak. He's the closest thing I've ever had to a parent and I felt so fucking lost. I didn't know what to do with myself." His nose wrinkles and you know he's fighting back tears. Strangely, you feel no urge to comfort him - all you want is to escape this damned room. "I was there." You curse your voice for wobbling. "Farkas was there. Our friends were right there - we were all there grieving Kodlak. Together." "I know." He mumbles, sucking in a shaky breath. "I should have talked to you - I don't know why I did that. Nothing makes sense." "You should talk to someone, maybe your brother." You press your lips into a tight line, clamping down the sob tearing at your throat. "I hope you can figure things out, Vilkas." You do hope that he can figure things out. Grief is messy but when you turn away from him, there's a sense of finality to it. You clench your fists to stop their shaking and before you can take that first step away from Vilkas, his voice stops you dead in your tracks. "Can we try again someday?" His voice is so defeated, as if he already knows your answer. Why did he bother asking? "I know that Kodlak meant a lot to you." You squeeze your eyes shut against those damned tears. "But I can never forgive this." "I understand." Vilkas sniffs and you're glad you turned away. The sight of him crying could break you. "I'll always love you, though." You can't think of a response that doesn't break your heart.

"It meant nothing, Mal Dov." You smack away Miraak's hand - you know he wants to caress your face, to calm your nerves as he has so many times before. You can hardly think past her fucking voice ringing through your head. "After that, my hopes of being named High Priestess don't seem so far-fetched. Our lord truly is blessed, isn't he? Well, I suppose you know that better than anyone." She'd bumped into you like it was a silly little mistake, dragon mask pulled aside to display the messy state of her lipstick. The thought of what she'd done for Miraak - the thought of him with anyone else, it makes you sick. "Nothing?" You spit the word back at him. You hate that look on his face, the tears gathering in his eyes. He has the audacity to make you feel like the hurtful one. "In my time, it was quite common to maintain a concubine -" "Oh, fuck you!" Angry tears spill down your cheeks, that hot ball of rage fueled with every word that passes his lips. "You would burn Tamriel if another man dared to kiss me, yet you expect me to be alright with some priestess getting on her knees for you?" "My beloved, please allow me to explain." Miraak reaches for you once more, an offer that feels so loaded. You know that if you take his hand he will whisper sweet apologies in your ear and promises that he will spend the rest of his unnatural life with you. He will tell you that a passing moment with a priestess means nothing compared to an eternity at your side. "No." You reject, gulping past the knot in your throat. Drying your tears you turn, hands shaking when they clench at your sides. "No explanation will undo your actions."

Sunlight bursts over the horizon, bright and cheerful. Farkas' snores echo across the hall as your weary eyes wander toward the window to watch. Your throat is raw from swallowing those ugly sobs and your cheeks are stained with war paint and tears. Clutching your knees to your chest you wait, stuffed into the same chair you've been seated in for hours. When the doors creak open your heart leaps into your throat. You've practiced the speech over and over, memorizing the words and praying that you won't stumble but it's all gone when you see her. The woman is half dressed when she scurries through Jorrvaskr, offering you a kind smile when she spots you. "Sorry if we kept you up." Her voice holds no malice - you're certain that she's interpreted you as a disgruntled housemate. "Can you point me toward the exit?" Your voice ceases to function, merely pointing her toward the front doors. Uncertain of how much time passes you remain there, knees tucked to your chest scrambling for the words you'd planned out so carefully. "Gods, it's bright." Farkas' rich voice causes a fresh wave of tears. Through blurry vision you watch him emerge from the living quarters, one hand shading his eyes from the sun. "My love - what day is it? I thought you weren't back until Middas?" "The assignment was easy." You gulp, hating the way he kneels right in front of you. His thumb traces through the mess of war paint on your face and you suck in a deep breath. "Everyone acted so strange when I returned. I thought perhaps it was because I was a bit early - they were all fairly drunk." "We drank far too much last." Farkas moans, still scrubbing at your cheek. "I can hardly remember anything past dinner." "When Aela tried to stop me from going to bed I knew something was wrong." "My beloved -" "I saw you." You sob, shoving at his bare chest when he attempts to hold you. Your heart is cracking deep in your chest, fat tears spilling down your cheeks but you can't let him piece you back together. "I heard you, Farkas -" "It was a drunken mistake. Please," rough hands cup your face but you're shaking your head. You can't see him through the tears but you know he's crying too. "Please don't leave me." "I can't stop seeing it." You hiccup, curling deeper into the chair. "I can't even look at you."

"I would have raised him better than that." Karliah's hand pats your shoulder. "The Brynjolf I knew would never do that." "He did." Your voice sounds scratchy and far away. Whether it's from rage or the alcohol you aren't certain. You're lying flat on the bar, Vekel's infinite patience saving you from the floor as the world tilts and dips around you. "I have some friends in the Brotherhood." Delvin pipes up from somewhere far away. You aren't sure if you're laughing or sobbing at his comment, noises and tears slipping out of you. "Want me to kill 'im?" "I could kill him for you." Vex offers and you bury your head in your arms. You feel sick - you'd hoped that too many drinks would rid that image from your brain but it persists. His lips on her skin, her fingers in his hair, the sound of her sighing his name. "There you are." His voice still sends shivers down your spine. You bury your face in your arms, mind still stuck on the way his hand wrapped around someone else's waist. "I've been lookin' for you -" "To what?" Vex snaps. "Looking to do some more damage?" "Love, gimme a chance." "Get away from me." "C'mon, I know it was fucked up but we were together for years. I told her I'm with you, that we had to stop before things went too far -" "I said get away from me." You whirl toward him, the world spinning and your stomach flipping dangerously with the motion. Warm hands are there to steady you, Brynjolf's familiar scent filling your nostrils as your bleary eyes struggle to focus on him. "Talk to me, love. Just for a bit, yeah?" "We are done." You stare up at him, hating the way his eyes still make your heart flutter. "I'm taking some time off -" "Don't say that. Think of the Guild - we need you, I need you." "You should've thought of the fucking Guild!" You sob, hands smacking against his chest. "You should've thought about me! You don't get to do this, you don't get to make this my fault." "I know sweetheart, trust me I know it's my fault." "You should probably leave for now, Bryn." Karliah taps his shoulder when you devolve into a mess of sobs. His hands slip from your face and gods help you, after everything you hate to feel it. "Give it time." "I'll be here, love. Whenever you're ready I'll be here waitin' for you."

"I'm sorry." Cicero snivels, falling into your lap. "Cicero's so sorry, Listener - please don't leave me, don't leave your awful Keeper." The indecision is paralyzing; so badly you want to comfort him, to comb through the mess of his hair and wipe at his face until he's calmed down but you cannot. You can't stop thinking about the dreamy look on his face after someone else's lips touched his. "Please, Listener." He gasps, fingers screwed up in the front of your armor. You can't bring yourself to rebuff him but do not have the capacity to soothe him. "Please, Cicero is so sorry - they were helping with Mother's rituals and so kind to me, so sweet helping with prayers and honeyed words." He hiccups, a sob breaking up his explanations. You want nothing more than to forgive him, to wipe at his tears and tell your beloved that everything will be alright, but find those words too difficult. "Was I not enough?" Your voice breaks, tears finally spilling down your cheeks. The flood of emotions is too much all at once when Cicero buries his face in your shoulder. God it hurts - you've known hurt but nothing like this, betrayal that cuts down to the bone. "You're everything!" He howls, both your bodies shaking with the weight of his sobs. "Terrible, awful Keeper - I don't deserve that title, the Listener deserves someone much better." "Calm down." You urge, unable to resist rubbing a hand down his back. The sensation of his body curling into yours is so familiar but there is no warmth, no love in the way he clings to you - only guilt. His voice is torn as he mumbles your title over and over, apologies mingled in as he professes his guilt. "Love you, Listener. Love you, love you, love you..." he trails off, wet kisses placed along your throat. "Silly Cicero made a horrible mistake but oh, how I love you." "You know I love you." You choke on the words, shocked at how hard it is to say. You do love Cicero, you always will. "But my beloved -" "Don't, Listener - please, your Keeper begs you." He sniffles, breaths finally evening out. "Don't leave poor Cicero. Anything, I'll do anything, just don't leave." "I don't think we can get past this." His arms tighten around your middle, tears streaming down your face as the raw pain pounds through your body with each beat of your wretched heart. "You know I love you, my Cicero, but I don't think there is any mending this." You sit there, clutching Cicero to your chest and crying until your lungs threaten to give out. You are both painfully aware that as soon as you let each other go that is the end. When he slides from your lap he will no longer be your Cicero, you will simply be two Brotherhood members who cannot look each other in the eyes. So you hold him, allowing him to cry into your armor and shedding endless tears over the love you've both lost.

#writing #skyrim x reader #x reader fanfic #angst #vilkas #miraak #farkas #brynjolf #cicero

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whateverloomis · 2 days

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Hi! Can you write about a reader who is a traditional goth x billy and stu?

Shes the new girl at school and she seems cool so tate invites her over to the group and when they see her they are like: 😲😍

Ugh, I'm so glad you requested this. Billy and Stu would so be into alt. people, I just know it. (Totally not saying that because I'm alt. myself *cough*)

Warnings: SMUT, infidelity, making out, fingering, double penetration, outdoor s3x, smoking (weed,) AFAB reader (she/her,) use of YN, unedited

Word count: 3k (Got carried away lmao)

"Dude, what's Tatum doing with the goth chick?" Stu asked Billy, as if he had a clue who Tatum even hung out with anymore. Sidney had always been her best friend and Tatum wouldn't ever replace her, but she was always picking someone new to introduce to the group until some kind of drama happened and she unfriended them.

"Fuck should I know." Billy answered, trying to seem uninterested in the topic, but Stu knew better. He had caught his friend taking a peek or two at the new girl when she had arrived the week prior as a transfer student.

"She's hot as fuck man, I bet we could tag team her-" -- "Keep it down, would you?" Billy whispered, elbowing Stu to avoid Sid and Randy from listening.

The boys had done it a few times before. They picked someone they both liked and had a little fun with them, and this new girl was definitely first in line the moment they saw her.

Tatum approached the group with her new friend and the boys couldn't help but eye her from head to toe. She was wearing a black crop top that sat just below her tits, a leather skirt with detailed lace thigh highs, paired with pointy knee high black boots. Her jet black hair sat just above her shoulders, her baby bangs had a perfect little point in the middle creating a perfect triangle that aligned with her pierced nose and matte black lipstick. What a sight.

"Hi guys! Meet our new friend, YN!" Tatum cheered and YN waved at everyone and smiled, revealing a dimple on her left cheek. Fuck, that drove Billy and Stu crazy. She was so effortlessly cute yet mysterious and intense looking. The perfect combination.

The group welcomed YN and clicked with her right away. Randy didn't hesitate to make flirty comments at the new girl and she was a natural flirt just like him, so it became a casual back and forth game between them. Stu obviously joined in, he's usually a flirt with everyone so it didn't seem out of the ordinary, but oh boy, if they only knew the plans he had with the girl.

Billy however, remained in the small talk zone. He felt safe there, plus he didn't want to reveal his intentions to Sidney who was sitting between his legs at the moment. He did make eye contact with YN from time to time and couldn't help but get tense at her gaze. Her eyes were piercing, like a black cats would be at night and it was driving him mad. He wanted to look into them while being on top of her... or maybe YN on top of him would be much better... Gosh, if he kept his imagination running it was gonna be impossible to stop his half boner from getting rock solid.

"YN should join, we have lot's of fun up there when we escape this hell hole." Stu said, snapping Billy out of his thoughts. "The cabin?" The boy thought out loud and Sidney turned around to face him. "Yeah, Stu is planning to ditch last period on Friday again and going up to his dads cabin. We're inviting YN to come along with us." Sid explained and Billy smirked in response and gave Stu a knowing look. "Yeah... Yeah YN, you should join us. Who wants to attend English class anyways?" He replied and Stu patted his back, "That's what I'm talking about." his best friend said, earning an annoyed look from Billy.

"Bring a swim suit too new girl, there's a kick ass lake up there." Stu said and smirked. "Awesome! I love lakes and it's been a while." YN replied and Randy pitched in; "Or better yet, a bikini." he said and the girl smirked at him; "Yeah, I bet you'd like that." YN said and Randy gasped in fake surprise; "I never said such a thing." The boy replied and YN gave him a flirty laugh.

Stu seemed amused with their exchange, knowing damn well Randy is all talk and no show. Meanwhile Billy was annoyed and poking his left cheek with his tongue in attempt to keep himself from saying anything stupid that could reveal his excitement about the new girl joining.

•

Friday came along quicker that expected and the group was already on their way to their little weekend trip. They were all bunched up in Stu's family van. His parents were conveniently out of town so he "borrowed it" for the weekend.

YN ended up sitting next to Billy after everyone argued about who would sit where and the boy was trying his hardest not to get his hands on her. "You comfortable?" Billy asked loud enough for her to hear as she closed the door. "Never better." She replied while she leaned back on the seat. Her exposed thigh brushed against his and she felt the boy tense up. She bit her lip in amusement and looked at him, smirking before looking out the window. Oh boy... new girl knew exactly what she was doing and it didn't go unnoticed by Billy or Stu who was looking at them through the rear view mirror.

•

"Why does it have to be me again?!" Randy complained. The group wanted him to test the water to see how cold it was but all he did was stand on the edge of the little wooden walkway and whine about how cold it was last time.

"Oh c'mon, it can't be that bad." YN said while taking her short black dress off. She had a bikini on that sat a little bit above her tits, exposing the perfect amount of under boob along with cheeky bottoms that barely covered her ass. The girls started to cheer and whistle at her in encouragement; "Yes girlie! You look hot as fuck!" Tatum said and Sidney agreed with her, taking her own clothes off and revealing a bright red colored bikini. Tatum had a yellow one on that exposed just as much under boob as the new girl's did, maybe a bit more. The boys stood there looking at them like hungry dogs before they cheered them on. Billy however just sported a smirk and followed the girls with his eyes taking an extra peek at YN's tits bouncing while she ran and jumped into the lake.

"It's not that cold guys, c'mon!" Sidney encouraged and Randy jumped in without hesitating.

"You gonna be able to keep it in your pants big boy?" Stu said loud enough for Billy to hear. "Shut up asshole, speak for yourself." He responded and looked at Stu's crotch before jumping in. Stu looked at his trunks and noticed his hard on was visible and jumped in quickly before muttering "Fuck."

•

The day was filled with fun, laughs and picking on Randy. It was unlike any other cabin weekend thanks to the new girl. She was cute, funny, a flirt and totally into Billy and Stu. At least that's what the boys were convincing themselves of with every little word and look she gave them. She was hard to read, Billy found, but that made it all the more fun for him.

The group were now sitting around a fire pit, talking about previous school crushes and other adventures. "So, who was your first kiss?" Tatum asked YN as she took a drag from the blunt they were passing around.

"It wasn't a big deal. We were best friends back in middle school, she was a pretty good kisser though." YN replied, taking a quick drag and passing it to Sidney who politely declined.

"Wait, she?!" Randy questioned in shock, choking on his beer along the way.

YN laughed at his exaggerated reaction and bit her lip; "Yes she, I'm bisexual, idiot." She replied while rolling her eyes playfully.

"Hot! I dare you to kiss Tatum!" Stu said rather loudly, earning a smack on his shoulder from his girlfriend. "Don't be an asshole, Stu!"

"What?! I was joking!" -- "No you weren't. Typical." YN replied and smirked at him knowingly. It's not the first time YN has heard those comments. At this point she calls the person out and brushes it off. That being said, she wouldn't mind kissing Tate at all, she's hot too just like her boyfriend.

Everyone laughed at Stu being called out, then continued talking, smoking weed and drinking alcohol around the fire. YN hadn't had this much fun in a long time and she intended on making the best out of that weekend.

•

After what seemed like hours of conversation, Billy, Stu, Tatum and YN were high as kites, Randy and Sid were drunk, and half of the group was nearly to the point of passing out and falling asleep for at least 12 hours that night. However, YN had other plans.

"I'm gonna go take a walk." She said, and Tatum gasped in surprise; "Alone in the woods, YN? Are you crazy! You can get killed!" the girl practically screamed and the new girl laughed; "It's okay babe, i'll be fine. Maybe I do wanna encounter a slasher, who knows..." She joked and stood up.

"YN, maybe you should take someone with you. It's seriously not safe, especially with the ghost face killings." Sidney said.

Billy and Stu looked at each other knowingly before anyone else spoke.

"I'll go with you. I need a breather myself." Billy said and smirked at Stu subtly before walking away with YN.

•

"So, you're actually not freaked about the possibility of you getting killed by ghost face?" Billy asked YN and she laughed before responding; "Not really, he clearly has targets and I highly doubt I'm one of them. Besides, I'd probably wanna fuck him instead of being scared."

Billy was amused at her response. If only she knew. "Is that so? You have a thing for slashers then?" He asked and she chuckled, a flirty tone to her voice. "Maybe, do you?" She asked him jokingly. "Nah, I'd say I have a thing for victims." At his answer YN slowed down her pace. His answer didn't exactly scare her but it did take her by surprise.

Billy turned around to face her as they both stopped walking. "What?" He asked, a slight seriousness coating his voice. YN looked down and bit her lip before looking him in the eye for God knows the number of times that day.

"Are you hinting at something, Loomis?" She asked him and the boy took a few steps forward leaving a few inches away between them. "Did it sound like I am? Or do you want me to be hinting at something?" He responded. Smooth.

YN looked up at him and chuckled, not knowing what to say at that point. She was too high to think about any coherent answer, especially with a guy that hot in front of her who was clearly looking to get freaky in the middle of the woods.

"Maybe..." Billy started, placing his left hand on YN's hip; "...I'm hinting at something like this." He spoke his final words before kissing YN slowly. They made out at the slowest most intense way you could imagine. Their tongues danced with each other and YN exhaled little whimpers into his mouth. He loved her little noises and couldn't help but grab both her hips and squeeze the flesh. As they continued kissing, Billy moved his hands to her ass and squeezed it before running his hands up her body and squeezing her tits that were threatening to pop out of her bikini top.

Billy took a few steps forward and pushed YN against a tree trunk, pressing himself against her while deepening the kiss. The girl sneaked her hand down his lower body and gave his throbbing dick a firm squeeze, moaning at the feeling.

YN didn't really care that he had a girl, if anything she would've done the same with her if given the chance, plus she was too high to make sense of anything so she just went with it.

YN pulled the string at the front of Billy's black swimsuit and kneeled in front of him but before she could pull his dick out they both heard the crunching of foot steps, and the girl stood up quickly.

"Well fuck, you guys started without me?" Stu said and appeared from behind the large tree she was against. "Thank's for ruining the mood, asshole" Billy said sarcastically, not even bothering to tie his pants back in place.

"Oh c'mon Billy, aren't you gonna share your meal?" -- "I sure wouldn't mind that." YN followed Stu's words and chuckled at herself. She was so high that this whole situation seemed more amusing than it would've been if she had been sober.

Billy looked at her in mild surprise and smirked, raising an eyebrow before kissing her again. Stu walked towards them and moved YN forward, Billy pulling her forward as well to allow Stu to lean against the tree, her ass pressed against his hard cock. They moved swiftly, as if they had done this countless times before... And they have.

Stu wrapped his arms around YN and pulled her bikini top down, exposing her perfect tits to Billy who started to play with her nipples while deepening the kiss. Stu sneaked his hand up her black skirt and untied her bikini bottoms, letting it fall between her legs. The boy didn't waste anymore time and started to rub YN's clit expertly. She let out hushed moans into Billy's mouth while reaching between her legs, moving Stu's fingers towards her entrance and he knew exactly what she wanted. As if on command he finger fucked her all while Billy was pinching her nipples and kissing her neck.

YN was so impossibly aroused, mostly because of the weed, but having these two hot idiots touching her like this made her feel as if she were in heaven.

"Mm, fuck me... Both of you." She said and the boys quickly stopped their movements and pulled their pants down just enough to release their dicks. YN wrapped her legs around Billy and he picked her up pushing her against Stu in order for them to line up their cocks to her cunt. She was so soaking wet they both slipped in easily. The stretch felt so delicious that she couldn't contain her moans.

Billy and Stu pounded into her like wild animals, breathing heavy and grabbing her steady.

"Fuck... You feel so good..." Billy whispered and YN wasn't sure if he meant her or Stu rubbing his cock against his friends. Either way it was hot as fuck and YN was going to cum any second. The boys were close behind, thrusting out of unison, moaning and groaning. It was music to YN's ears.

"I'm close... Fuck, I'm so close..." The girl moaned as she squeezed around both of their dicks. Billy and Stu couldn't say anything at that point up until they all came at the same time.

They filled YN up so much that their combined juices dripped on the ground.

Once they all caught their breath's, Billy placed YN down on her feet and stabled her. The girl nearly fell from how hard the two fucked her.

"Damn, did we really fucked you that good new girl?" Stu said from behind her.

"Oh, shut up." She answered before getting dressed along with the boys and returning to the cabin as if nothing had happened.

#billy loomis smut #billy loomis x you #scream (1996)#billy loomis x reader #ghostface smut #ghostface x reader #ghostfacesmut #stu macher smut #stu macher x billy loomis #stu matcher x reader

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evilwickedme · 1 year

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Blorbo bracket will end up getting indefinitely delayed if I can't get one (1) person who draws art for the all for the game series to answer my dms

#with the exception of the one person who thought I was trying to sell their art with credit???#and when I explained myself stopped answering #so that's great #gail speaks

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kanonavi · 8 months

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Ship asks! what’s your favorite headcanon for xiaoven?

Okay so when I was firs thinking about this question I had a few ideas, cuz I do have quite a few headcanons that I passively apply to xiaoven pretty much every time I write them. But then I actually realized that they're all just headcanons about Venti that are applicable to xv?? Embarrassing. But I was able to remember one!

My favorite xiaoven headcanon is that Xiao's vision is the first one that Venti ever gave after becoming the Anemo Archon.

This ties in with quite a few ideas I tend to use about how vision granting works (They come from the Archons of their elements, and the Archon does have some consciousness of when and to who visions are being given) and the spiritual connection that vision holders have with their Archons, which basically adds up to Venti and Xiao having this very long-lasting connection to each other through Xiao's vision.

Over the years, Venti has obviously given a lot of visions, and he's felt most of those vision holders come and go as they grow old and die. But for Xiao to not only be such an old vision holder, but also Venti's first, I would think that there's a depth to that bond that has made Xiao almost integral to Venti's being. He always has this feeling of loss when one of his anemo vision holders dies, but if he were to ever lose Xiao, it would feel as if someone reached in and tore out a part of his soul.

I also like this idea for what it lends to Venti's side of the xv pining factor. Because Xiao is so often written in fics to have this feeling of indebtedness to Venti for saving him from his karmic debt, and prior to their meet cute Venti would be oblivious to this. But the idea of Venti carrying a piece of Xiao with him for most of his existence as an Archon, holding this cry for freedom and salvation so close to himself and wanting so desperately to know if that child was able to find the help that he needed just rots my brain in horrible ways.

It makes their yearning for each other more mutual, because Xiao idolizes Barbatos so much and wants to pay back his debt to him, while Venti still thinks of his first child from time to time and wants to know if he ever found happiness. And mutual pining is just so tasty, I don't really know what else to say <3

(Ship Asks)

#navi answers #stardustdiiving #genshin impact #xiaoven #Thanks for the ask I'm so mentally ill about them <3 #Explaining this also just made me realize that wow I have too many thoughts #Mostly because every two lines I would have to stop myself from going on a tangent about some other related hc #Teyvat is such a fascinating setting that I have a lot of headcanons about just. how stuff in the world works #Especially when it comes to visions and stuff #But anyway I am so so grrrr about xv they have turned my brain to mush

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sneez · 1 year

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since i started testosterone in february i have been reading a stanza of andrew marvell’s poem ‘the garden’ every month to track the way my voice has changed. today i finished it :-)

#my voice #does it belong in that tag given that i am speaking and not singing. ah well in it goes #andrew marvell #it is exciting to finally be able to post this! given the nature of the project i've been working on it for a while #i can't remember if i was initially intending to post it but i think it's neat so you guys can see it too :-) a questionable gift unto ye #it's one of my favourite ever poems which is why i picked it. partly because it's a cracking poem but also because the garden in #question is very likely fairfax's garden given that marvell wrote it whilst he was living at his house to tutor his daughter :-)#i love the line about melons. i love the idea that fairfax was growing melons. his melonship #also 'the luscious clusters of the vine upon my mouth do crush their wine' is such incredible imagery i think about it all the time #stopping myself now before i start explaining all my favourite parts of the poem because then i would just be reciting the whole poem #sorry the audio quality changes quite a bit by the way i kept changing where i recorded #oh also i skipped a month because my voice hadn't changed at all (between the first and second stanzas i think) which is why the #number of months doesn't quite match up to the number of stanzas #i do wish i had recorded a stanza when i was one month on T given that my voice barely changes in the last few verses. ah well #anyway i hope you enjoy it my dear friends :-) holding you all in my arms #also as usual i have a few messages and things to answer so i will do that soon! i have been enjoying being active again after so long :-)#ive got a song to post soon too. he he ho ho ho. hum hum hum

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thatfaerieprincess · 2 months

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if one more well meaning relative asks me if i have done any drawing recently i will start screaming and flip a table 🤪🙃

#it's not their fault!! it's not!!! I'm known for being The One Who Draws #they usually get updates from my parents sending out pictures of things I drew for assignments for school for years!! they haven't gotten #anything new in a long time!!#it's not their fault to ask hey have u been making anything new??#but also if one more person asks I'll literally go fucking nuts I will start screaming crying throwing up #I will begin tearing myself limb from limb #especially if it's my grandma who I see literally every week and she in fact knows I have not been drawing #it's worse when she asks bc then it's also with that quiet pity of someone who assumes I probably haven't but hopes that I have #ANYWAY SORRY I JUST HAD TO PUT THIS SOMEWHERE #I'm doing my best and I'm not in a great space and I'm trying real hard to try and figure out who the fuck I am when my entire life isn't #Completeing Assignments #bc since middle school I have been nothing much outside of a Complete Assignments Machine #and I've found ways to bring my humor and my creativity and things I enjoy INTO Completeing Assignments #but I've somehow then learned I can ONLY do these things if they're for Completeing Assignments #and now I have graduated college and I'm trying to get a fucking job and move somewhere new and my life isn't Completeing Assignments anymor #and I haven't relearned how to have creative fun ideas outside of the assignments framework #but I want to get there again #but I need everyone to stop asking me if I have made any art recently #bc I think for a while the answer is going to be no and if it's not no it's gonna be yes but I'll have made something so fucking weird #you're going to wish I had said no and not explained that I was building a dead rat puppet #im a rambling sam

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acesammy · 3 months

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Moral OCD sufferers🤝🤝🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤 (and we are both Sam stans .... omg almost like he also has OCD ......)

NO BUT SERIOUSLY THOOOOO. its about the constant fear that something is intrinsically evil about yourself....

#hey i want to say thank you btw bc your posts abt this have helped me for literal YEARS #like spn was my main coping mechanism with it when i was 13 and worried i was evil bc of Dumb Stuff #and it wasnt until i was like 21 and saw your posts and was like. oh. huh.#that.. might explain why i was desperately googling 'guilt complexes' at the age of 13 trying to explain to myself #why i couldnt stop thinking about one (1) 'mistake' for months on end #anyways #i FEEL you #and sam REPRESENT #its SO ingrained in his character and why i LOVE him #suncaptor #lea answers asks

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catkin-morgs-kookaburralover · 1 year

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I keep listening to different pieces of music that I love and then my brain comes in all helpful with 'this sounds like great music to die with doesn't it'

#tw suicide #im just. so tired #and i know that right now part of it is im sick (not covid tho) but still.#and it's like im grieving the lost friendship all over again and what might have been #i am the best version of myself when im with the boy. but now no wonder he is avoiding me. and i don't blame him! but for some reason it's #hitting rlly hard again atm and it's just. Im Sad.#i really don't know why that's so prevalent in my mind right now #and it's rlly not safe for me to drive long distances alone i think. i find driving v stressful #and any guesses what *that* leads to #tw sh #the answer was: a frightening amount.#and then there are things i don't understand #my brother begged me to destroy the suicide note i wrote yesterday #and i don't know why. because it's very unlikely to be something that i would stop to do tbh. so what there is would at least explain #*something* perhaps. i don't know #i have spent more than half of my waking hours in the last week seriously thinking of suicide. i don't know how to stop this #and given that i've read two books in full and gone to a play i enjoyed that says something about what hte rest of the time has been filled #with. i don't know how to get out of this. in some ways i feel like it's worse now than it was bc i expected it to get better when mum and #dad got back. if anything it's worse - more constant.#the lows are not quite as low but the baseline is definitely lower #i am just feeling very hopeless rn #yesterday i was driving and reciting psalm 23 and i was so overcome with emotion and i repeated it multiple times and that helped somewhat #but only in the moment ig. i don't know. i don't know how to fix this or even improve it #if im still feeling like this on monday i am so going to walk over the road and straight-up ask to borrow a kitten overnight.#and hope the kitten doesn't decide to go near all the cuts :(#a part of me is genuinely wondering if i should check myself into a psych ward. the other parts of me say either that this isn't bad enough #for that or thta i am simply too scared to. which is true. nasty stuff in psych wards for obvious reasons #anyway i need prayers thankyou

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onewholivesinloops · 2 years

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You know what I would’ve loved to see Rika discuss with the St. Lucia girls at the salon? Her poems

#like don't get me wrong i really love the bit in meguri satokowashi where rika and satoko go to the salon together with the other girls #and they both give their unique answers and perspective #when asked what they'd do if they were faced with a problem they couldn't come up with a solution for no matter how hard they tried #it's a really meaningful and valuable moment because #not only does it reinforce rika's development from the original and the lesson she learned from her long journey #but it also reminds us of what traps have always meant for satoko #(that they're her unique method of communication)#but i also really wish we got to see rika talk about her poems more openly with others #the only time we see her do it is in minagoroshi when she gives keiichi an enigmatic one to decipher/interpret #instead of straight up explaining how she feels about her current situation and the danger she's in #like i would've just loved to see rika write more of these and show them to her friends #(or imagine if we saw her secretly writing some about satoko and her situation at st. lucia and how much she misses her-)#okay if i keep going i'm going to make myself cry so let's stop here before this goes out of hand #higurashi #higurashi meguri #satorika #satoko houjou #rika furude #gamo.txt

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todayisafridaynight · 11 months

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What do you think Jo is ugly and it pissed off people?

no my friend nono you got it all wrong. no its the opposite.

#snap chats #WE ONLY SAY RESPECTFUL THINGS IN THIS HOUSE I WOULD NEVER SAY THAT BOUT ANY CHARA #esp not one mo-capped off an actual guy 😭 a very lovely and funny and phenomenal actor of a guy 😭#get out of my tags everyone im explaining myself #IMA JUST LEAVE WITH those who remember my baddie baddies tier list know. they know the answer #😔#stop im telling the story about my friend playing y7 for the first time again since this is related #i JUST told the story X days ago but its relevant to this topic #because its still funny as hell we got to chapter two and during the car ride to me getting us lunch we were like #Seriously talking about the game and she was theorizing what would happen next and just talking about how she loved ichiban #after all that like. we just sat in silence for like a minute or two #i cant remember if she brought him up first but im 99% sure i was like 'so whatd you think of jo' or something #and she was just Snap. 👀#and then we spent the rest of the ride talking about him fjLKJELKAJ FUNNIEST THING EVER #no cause when i was doing my first playthrough of y7 and /i/ saw jo the first time i Also was just 👁️👁️#idk what it was bro was just doin accountant shit aAEJLKA😭☠️☠️☠️#and still i was like 😔hii 🥰😔 the rarest instance of me. in a sense. falling for a chara frame one ☠️☠️ very embarrassing ☠️#and then the rest of the game unfolded and now we're here SO NO anon i DIDNT find him unattractive #it was terminal literal frame one and the sniper outside is to make sure i dont say anything INSANE and lose the respect of everyone #whatever respect exists. there's like. a drop of it left and i will cling onto it for my life

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hella1975 · 1 year

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HELAL

I have a lot of stuff running through my mind rn and im in a hurry and idk if its going to make sense but oh well.

(its list anon and I have another thing to add to my 'favorite things about finding myself in Hellas circle of existence list thing)

The thing is how much your personality sinks through into your writing and blog thing.

Let me explain,

I lost internet for a few days and I just got it back and was scrolling through tumblr and noticed one of my mutuals reblog something of yours and I was like 'I havent been on the internet for like four days, I wonder what Hella has been up to.' and so I started stalking you (as one does) and like scrolling through your blog and everything and I came across the post you thinged about your hometown and about how shameful you are about your writing and that sent me into a spiral because I know the feeling and couldnt put it into words and I felt so called out.

Thats besides the point.

I had this thing to add to the list for a while and couldn't figure out how to explain it without seeming weird so Im just doing my best here.

It's like when you post things about the things that go on in your mind. I touched on this in my first list thingy with the whole 'when you post little snippets of whats going on in your mind and turn it into what I can only describe as poetyry' part. It's simular but it's not the same.

It's really easy to see someone and follow someone who is so eloquent and brilliant and hold them close to divinity and think about how untouchable they are, which seems weird because I'm on Tumblr of all places. But like when you follow your favorite authors on twitter or instagram and they seem almost inhuman. And sometimes it feels like being that talented is so unattainable because you're not them, you can't spew out flawless lines of words seemingly effortlessly and you cant come up with a plot that clever and even if you can't you can't give the story justice because you're not that good of a writer.

Even other writers on this site are like this and so...ethereal almost. I've mentioned before how a lot of other writer almost run their blog like a business and everything and you scroll through them and see people constantly sending them asks about their works and sending them fanart and people obsessing over their art and like I said it seems unattainable for your average person. Like I dont get that so maybe I'm not that good.

Then I come to your blog and you talk about situations I relate to and you don't hide your humanity and you talk about your classes in economics of all things and your home town and all your problems (while valid) are normal. You're more relatable than the other writers I follow at least.

I've mentioned in other asks ( I dont think they were list ones but they might have been idk ) that you inspire me a lot. This is why. Also the fact that you're my age (I'm 18) and your not in your 20s and you havent taken a decades worth of writing classes and you dont have a degree in literature. You're literally just person living a normal life. That's not to say other authors and writers arent just normal people but you just show it a lot more, idk.

Like reading things like taob and tbos and then going to your main blog and seeing the way you write your stuff in your mind and then going two posts down and your talking about normal things makes me think that maybe I can write something incredible too one day.

And the reason I have the ability to feel that way in relation to you and your stupid blog (affectionate) is because you let your normal personality show, not some robotic businessy- type personality.

That's not to say that I don't think your just an average person, average people can't describe things so rawly. But, like I said, you're not untouchable.

Based on what I see from you and what you show online, I really think that you have the potential to be great one day. Not that you should hold yourself and force yourself into a life you don't want, like if you don't want to be a famous writer, don't be. But I genuinely just hope that you grow up and find a career you're happy in.

More than anyone I see on the internet, you deserve to live a life that you absolutely love, no matter what that might be.

I said it before that I always feel really obsessive when I send asks like this, and I feel creepy, so if I come off that way I'm sorry. I just try to make it a point to tell people when I enjoy them as a person.

Also I have some songs that kind of remind me of you.

The first one if Vienna by Billy Joel. I think the chances of you not knowing this one is very slim because it's such as popular song right now. But it's my favorite song and it reminds me of you.

The other one is read all about it by Emili Sande (pt 3 is the best) I think this song is also pretty popular, it also might not be, idk. But it's one of those songs that not a lot of people that I show it to like. Idk why. The vocals are weird (in my opinion) but I love the lyrics.

If you already know these songs just ignore this part :)

ME WHEN LIST ANON:

#bestie beloved my best friend my rotten soldier listen let me tell you something listen listen #every time you send an ask like this i read it and then REFUSE to answer it for a while #(sorry about that)#and i just hold onto it sometimes for weeks sometimes for MONTHS #and it sort of feels like it's just you and me and it feels so special and i come back and reread it #because you make me fall a little in love with myself? not in a narcissistic way #but just in such a tender soft 'maybe things are going to be okay' way #because for how dark and messy it feels to BE me i forget that no one else sees that #and the person i fought so hard to be is someone people... like??? and admire??? to THIS extent #even if it's just one person it's such a euphoric feeling i cant explain it #please never stop sending these i mean yes you can i doubt youve got much to say anymore bc bestie youve sent an ESSAY at this point #(<- that feels like it comes across judgey but i am trying v hard to convey the adoration i have for these asks so i promise it's not LMAO)#god i just. yeah. thank you. genuinely from the bottom of my heart thank you #okay tears wiped away hair fixed eyeliner partially smudged SONG RECS #WHO THE FUCK DID YOU REC READ ALL ABOUT IT TO AND THEY DIDNT LIKE IT???? i'll hunt them for sport fr #i was OBSESSED with that song when it came out like even as a kid ive had this audio thing #where i completely hyperfixate on audios and that often includes songs (why did i never clock i had adhd)#like i remember being like 8 years old and putting 'in the ghetto' by elvis presley on loop on my barbie stereo #and my dad was like why the fuck is she listening to THAT of all things on loop SKDJHJSH #but ANYWAY THIS SONG WAS ONE OF THOSE SONGS I TOTALLY LATCHED ONTO #I PLAYED IT HUNDREDS OF TIMES GENUINELY #and omg vienna. beloved beautiful song and you saying it reminded you of me actually made me realise how ur asks make me feel #ur asks make me feel like im a girl in a song and it's just such a <33333 mf u give me butterflies #kisses u kisses u kisses u #ask

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