#and then i guess get ready for work. at least if im working i wont be thinking abt this shit anymore it doesn't matter

[ladysqueakinpip]

the last month for me has been the biggest hot mess of -have an existential crisis- -overwork yourself- -have no hope- -find therapist- -feel hopeful- -try to move- -feel hopeful- -lose house- -faith crisis- -quits job- -feels hopeful- -dog has cancer- -depression- -signs new lease- -feels hopeful- -moving stress- -dog dies-

#it has been. a roller coaster. #anyway! thats my vague and cryptic life update 💛 #i was NOT ready for harley to go this soon #i was finally starting to feel hopeful that maybe things would get better #after moving and taking an extended time off of work to heal #im just sad i guess. bc i havent been the person i used to be since like dec 2022. #and not in a good way #and i was hoping my puppy would at least stick around long enough to see me grow back into that person #alas #its sad to think he will never see my new house #it has a sunroom that as soon as i saw it i knew he would love #going to the lake wont be the same either #he liked to sit on the deck and watch the boats go by #its going to be quiet without him

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#other ppl: youll be fine! u r passionate abt what u do #no u dont understand. its not passion. im being consumed. im being devoured whole and alive. #its out of control and its killing me #stop trying to tell me im good. i can assure u its a problem and i want it to fucking stop. whats the point of being successful if u cant #even fucking breathe? #this has been my weekend in purgatory for some reason. but fuck u i got the fucking application 98% done so im gonna read it over tomorrow #when my brain doesnt feel like its gonna explode and thrn send it to the dude and idk see wtf he has to say about it bc im positive i #overwrote it bc im unhinged. whatever tomorrow im gonna spend another 4hr transfering algae #if i can. turns out ive given myself a headache and now i cannot sleep lmao #lol i wrote all that yesterday night. it appears i was having a bad time. and i continue to have a bad time bc my manuscript is 98% ready #for submission but i leave at 7.20 tomorrow morning for my flight and wont be home until 7pm in this time zone at the very least #which means ill have to fucking wait all day to submit i guess unless i use plane wifi or something. fucking idk #i also havent sent the application in yet and i havent bought any Christmas presents bc my brain is splitting into a million pieces #its 10 pm now. will is sleep tonight? who's to say i still have work to do on this fucking manuscript #at least my coauthor thinks itll only get sent back with minor revisions so it must look pretty ok #part of it is just me bitching abt inconsistent methods across papers bc it annoys me but also i dont give a fuck #i will fucking psychically control ppl to read this paper and use its knowledge bc the way they talk abt the topic annoys me so much #which is additionally annoying bc like i said i dont give a fuck #anyway im procrastinating #unrelated #my parents texting me today: yay we r excited to see u 🤗 #and im just laying on the floor eminating a demonic aura

[teruthecreator]

i need a new laptop so bad

#ignorance cloud on #i feel like this thing is just getting worse and worse i need something better #ive resolved myself for waiting until my first paycheck and then im gonna make the scary big purchase #ive found what im hoping is a good laptop and its at a rlly good price rn i hope it doesnt change in the 2 weeks i gotta work #i could just purchase it now but no. scary. esp when i have food to buy #i think i might be more inspired to write w a new laptop bc i can do my setup differently #since i wont need to rely on my bluetooth keyboard to type like i need to do rn #SIGH. i start work on monday at least so thats. good. i guess #i should be more frightened and i think i am but mostly im just like. ready to get this over with

[sanjisblackasswife]

you should do fluff headcannons of monster trio + law sending you a voice message when they miss you while you're gone please 🤭🫶

“𝕋𝕙𝕖𝕞 𝕊𝕖𝕟𝕕𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕒 𝕍𝕠𝕚𝕔𝕖 𝕄𝕖𝕤𝕤𝕒𝕘𝕖”

Ft. Law, Luffy, Zoro, Sanji

Black Fem Reader in Mind

CW: None! Fluffy fluff, Modern AU, all established relationships

Luffy

Bro butt dials you A LOT first of all.

So most voice messages are munching noises or him laughing but finally Luffy called you out of boredom but you were busy and Luffy actually leaves a voice message—-

“Hey Y/N!!!! Im bored. I just had some meat. It was good. When you come back home can you bring back some more? I ate it all. Also I ….oh wait I forgot….well M’ganna go finish playing the game. Im bored without you….i miss you…n’stuff….HURRY AND COME BAAACCKKUUHHHHHH…mkay…and answer your phone more jeez you never answer—“

He forgets to hang up the call so the next 15 minutes was you hearing Luffy laugh, curse, and talk crap with Usopp on the game.

Sanji

He loves sending you texts and messages whenever he thinks of you and you’re later greeted with a pleather of messages that warm your heart each time

“Hey, my love. Just thinking about you again. I missed you. I hope everything is okay with you, not working too hard. I’m making some of that cake you liked so much so by the time you get home it’ll be ready as well as your favorite pasta again! I hope you ate something for lunch too. I knew I should have packed you another Bento Box but you swear up and down you were okay…y’know I worry….”

It’s so domestic how Sanji acts on his voice message and the way how his accent creeps through when he is nervous a little when he speaks always warms your heart.

“But I won’t hold you…I know you’re busy..call me when you have the chance or if you need anything! Maybe tonight we can have dinner and a home movie like last week…I love you..”

He always has you on his mind

Zoro

He calls you ONLY when he misses you. He never wants to seem like a bother nor clingy (even though he is but wont admit it).

“Hey….um…Tch why the hell didn’t you answer? I been trying to call you all day—“

He haven’t he has been hesitating to call you because he was afraid he was ganna bother.

“But…I cleaned the place like you said, fed the cat, fed the plants—I mean—I mean I watered them. Like you said. I hope you’re okay. Making me nervous or whatever not answering…But…um…Stay safe alright? And answer your damn phone next time I call!….I miss you….Alright..I Love you bye.”

He tries his best to express his love for you no matter how aggressive it is

He was very relieved to see you when you walked through the door he welcomed you with a hug.

A much needed one.

Law

His goice messages are the quickest and the most forward. He is a busy man himself so he tries to at least keep you in the loop of whats going on during his breaks

“Hey you, I’m on my lunch break now. I was hoping you were too so we can get a quick bite together..guess not though. Well hopefully your day is alright. I know you rushed out in a hurry so you better have ate something! Anyways I’ll see you tonight. I miss you and I love you. Bye.”

He does from time to time check his phone to see if you got his message. Hesitant to text you again right after sending to voice mail.

He does.

#one piece #black reader #one piece headcanons #one piece x female reader #sanji #one piece smut #sanjionepiece #one piece x black!reader #sanji imagine #sanji x black reader #sanji x reader #x female reader #female reader #black foot sanji #one piece scenario #zoro headcanons #zoro hcs #luffy #luffy headcanons #Law fluff #law x female reader #law one piece

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

not trying to b controversial but its wild how ppl will get diagnosed w bpd then act like its their get out of jail free card to treat everyone liek shit w no repercussions. quite the contrary lol once ur aware of it u gotta start taking responsibility for how u act cus thats the only way to cure it. like it IS cure-able or at least can be made manageable. idk why ppl get diagnozed then decide to make bpd-chan their whole personality yet still expect ppl to stick around... & im saying this from my own experience of getting diagnosed when i was 21. over the years i became very aware of how unhinged i was acting. started resisting my emotional impulses and changing how i behaved. went from having no friends & ruining every relationship within 3 months to having real solid bonds with good people who r still in my life now 5 yrs later. most of whom r also recovering from bpd. i hate those posts that are like "everyone deserves friends🤍no mattr wat" sorry i think that kind of entitlement is deranged like u actually do have to treat ppl w compassion & kindness at the bare minimum or u probly wld benefit much more from doing some solitary work on urself b4 ur ready to be a real friend to anyone. just kno that it is possible to evolve, it wont happen over night but so many ppl i know have grown out of their bpd traits once they hit late 20s. i guess im trying to be encouraging like dont give up & resign urself to stagnating with this disorder.!

[pinkpicket]

What is blocking your success?

Mfs be ready for typos bc I haven't reviewed this 🤡

Choose an image starting with pile 1 to 6 from left to right.

Pile 1

Wow okay so remember how the society and capitalism constantly screams in our fuvking face telling us the reason why we're not successful? How u don't work hard enough? How u should actually be waking up at 3am to hustle bc that's how billionaires do it? Well that's fucking bullshit so get that shit out of ur mind. U genuinely think bill gates and ms kylie jenner hustled day and night to get $7.25 an hour? No baby they did not. So leave that mindset, it's stupid and it's literally damaging u. My advice would be to actually relax and spoil urself instead of shitting on urself for needing 9 hours of sleep. Baby i will be honest with u, as long as u treat urself harshly the universe will treat u the same. So give urself some love and relax, u deserve it.

Pile 2

Ya u need to stop thinking about relationships and dating and actually start planning and shit bc guess what? Shit needs planning it dont just happen out of thin air. So sit ur ass down and write down a plan and change the plan 74747 if that's what it takes for it to work out.

Pile 3

Communication. Baby u really lack the ability to properly communicate and persuade others. Trust me i get where u r coming from, people are fucking annoying but in this society we have to basically learn to stfu at times and not be honest bc truly that's what everyone does. So keep ur thoughts to urself and form relationships on a superficial level ( be detached ) just so u can progress in ur life and career. Remember people's ego are fragile so dont fuvk up ur life with being unnecessarily harsh and honest with ur words, be diplomatic and suger coat that shit till it turns so sweet they get hooked.

Pile 4

Whatever direction ur heading toward rn holds no success. So u wanna be the hermit and find urself? That's great but in this fucked up capitalistic society that wont bring u success. I genuinely hate to say this but spirituality is not possible with success ( materially and career wise at least) for you ( this is just for u bc others actually require to be spiritual to be successful). Also it's time for u associate and talk to people more, being an introvert is a big disadvantage for you, so go out, make friends and soon u will find success. Group work will bring you success.

Pile 5

Enough of planning, it's time to work. Dont just sit around and expect great shit to happen only bc u manifested it ( remember saturn rules everything material in this world, so if u want a successful career with good money, u gotta go by saturn's rules which are being disciplined and hard work) dont relay on shit that people from tiktok snd tumblr tell u to do "all u have to do is manifest by this technique" and not do shit?? Baby that's not how real life works. U work and u get what u deserve ( at least for u this is like this, hell manifestation might work for others but for u i see this as a different case)

Pile 6

Baby ur tired and i know, i truly see u worked hard and nothing happened. It's like all that hard work was wasted but relax now bc something big is coming. Baby u r getting what u deserve, idk when but it will come. Honestly im genuinely soo happy bc u truly deserve this. So what's blocking ur success? Nothing. Whatever it is, it will come at the right time.

Okay bye uglies. Hope u liked this NOW FOLLOW ME BC IM LITERALLY SO HELPFUL AND PRETTY 🥰💕

#free tarot #pac reading #tarot reading #free card reading #pick a card reading #pick a picture #pick a card #tarotonline #free tarot readings #tarot #tarot of the day #pick a pile

[reidsbookclub]

If We Were A Movie

Spencer Reid x fem! BAU reader

Category: fluff

WC: 947 … so blurb I guess??

Requested: yes

AN: this was written for @whovianwholikesgirls thank you for the wonderful request. This was also written for @foxy-eva Milestone Celebration.

I could feel the boiling green little monster growing inside. It was hard not to see how Lila Archer was throwing heart eyes at Spencer since the day they met after all he is charming, he makes everyone go starstruck I know I did. And sweet Spencer was loving all the attention but why couldn’t he see that I had looked at him that exact way since that first fateful day when I dumped all of my coffee at him, distracted by his ever-growing smile and that beautiful hair that was so put together it fell like dominoes. If we were a movie he’d fall for me after all friends to lovers rom-com always wins right? I’d be the one he would walk towards, but seeing the way they both look towards each other I can feel myself being stuck, like a ghost, right where he left me living in delusion inside a fantasy that would never come true. But if this were a movie I’d be the best friend he’d fall for, I’d be the one he belonged to. That’s the thing about reality though it’s not a movie so I guess I will have to stay here, causing no harm, with my pinned-up hair, waiting right where he’ll leave me for her… for Lila.

“Hey Y/N Lila showed me around her new movie set it was fun” Spencer came running to tell me after they had both disappeared while I went to do background checks on everyone working here “it's such a shame you couldn’t join us agent” Lila added with a classic Hollywood fake smile on her face. “Yeah, such a shame” I muttered as Lila walked away to get ready for her next scene.

“Everything okay Y/N?” Spencer asked me.

“Yeah, why wouldn't it be?”

“Not sure, you seem upset. I’m your best friend you know you can talk to me right?”

There it was, a punch right to the heart. Best friend. Did he know that it killed me inside every time he said that? If this were one of my favorite movies I’d be the best friend he’d fall in love with, but this wasn’t a movie, and I guess I couldn’t get my happy ending. But could I at least get an Oscar, after all, I’ve never played a better poker face than the one I wear every time I see Lila flirt with him.

This case had proven to be a bit more difficult than we had all hopes, Lila’s stalker keeping us on our toes with every twist and turn they made. Hotch had requested Spencer and I to watch over Lila and keep her safe at her house. Not being able to stand Lila shamelessly flirting with Spencer any longer I went inside for some water when I heard

“No, please, you don’t actually like me its called transference. Transference is when…” Spencer say.

“Come on Dr. Reid, its just a little late night swim” she replied without skipping a beat. I kept seeing how Lila was getting more and more fed up that her advanced were not being reciprocated that from the window I saw her getting out of the pool, pushing Spencer in the pool and storming in side the house.

“Wipe that smirk L/N, its not funny” Spencer said as he saw me approach him

“Oh but Reid, it is” I replied as i took a seat by the pool, dangling my feet on the water from the edge, I continued to say, “but, I don’t get it, she is the hollywood definition of beautiful why did you not reciprocate her advances?”

“Because, y/n im the nerdy boy the best friend wont see, I am the type of guy that won’t get the girl”

Able to read my confused expression he added, “I would give up everything if it meant you would let me hold you for even just a second”

What was he saying? Could it be possible he actually felt the same way about me that I do about him?

“You don’t understand Y/N, you’ve never understood” and in a blink of an eye felt water surround me, Spencer had pulled myself into the water floating to the top, before I could even open my eyes I felt his lips on me in that kiss all of the words we’ve never said to each other were being told.

As we pulled appart I whispered, “huh, I guess this really is a movie and I really am the best friend you fell for.” To which re replied, “of course, isn’t it crazy how we’ve known each other for two years, yet it feels like 20 minutes have passed. That folklore story about and invisible string tying you to your real love must be true” as we were getting out of the pool.

We were heading towards the airport when his words were playing ont he back of my mind

“Spencer Walter Reid did you reference Taylor Swift back there?” I nearly yelled when the most melodic laugh from my wildest dreams was heard and he replied, “if you really think I wouldn’t pay enough attention to you to know she is your favorite then you might not like me as much as you say you do.”

As we watch the sunset from the jet the only thought that comes to mind is that I guess that after all, I won’t be the one haunted by the ghost of him, I get to keep him just like the ending of a movie when the movie fades to black as the end of credits happy music plays. Our movie.

Link to masterlist

Link to join taglist

taglist:

@samuel-de-champagne-problems @fightingdragonswithreid @writer-in-theory @pretty-boys-book-club @kodiakwhiskey @the-chaotic-cow @slytherinintj13 @nygmaperry @reidslibrarybook @luredwithpretzels @justreadingficsdontmindme @nomajdetective @lilibet261 @safespacespence @dontjudgemeimawriter @serenity-lattes @reidselle @scargarcia-magshotchner

#spencer reid #criminal minds #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid fanfiction #dr spencer reid #ssa spencer reid #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid fanfic #dr spencer reid imagine #spencer reid x fem!reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x y/n

[alexandraswords]

F*CK NORMAL

An overdue ending to a (un)well decorated drinking career.

Introduction

Friday, June 9, 2023 9:28 AM

Today is one of those days where I am just tired, and a bit bored, but mostly tired. I am exhausted. Mentally at least. I have really been putting my all into my sobriety to the point where my day revolves around meetings but im starting to lose momentum. I have a headache, the dog wont stop barking, i'm trying to pop the zits on my face. Basically being alone with my discontented ass self is not something I'm great at... yet.

I should meditate or journal or text another AA member. But I just want to sleep and be normal and relax. But fuck normal.

I thought drinking was normal. I thought my diet of vodka and water and the occasional box of cheez-its was adulting. I thought I was mature and well refined and socially acceptable because I drank, just like everyone else, because, you know, drinking is normal... right?

Wrong. Not for me. I am NOT normal. So I have to do abnormal shit to keep my addictive eating disordered alcoholic riddled ass self sober and happy. I have to keep listening to other people because me making my own decisions landed me in a crack den sharing a room with a friend I would consider a sibling, whom which a fought with constantly to the point where I dragged the mattress from our third floor apartment (if you consider that uninhabitable shit hole, an apartment) down out side below out kitchen window so if I jumped maybe the universe would send me a sign saying that it is or isn't time yet. Okay so I didn't actually do that, but I sure as shit thought about it... a lot. Like a lot. I mean i couldn't even barely walk to the bathroom let alone haul some shit down the stairs. Hell, I wouldn't even walk across the street to get my own liquor. I would bribe my roommate by telling him if he went for me and took my card he could buy something for myself. I just didn't care anymore. I hated everything. I hated that I had to be loaded to be able to walk because my shakes were so bad. I hated that I had to drink to even feel sober and functional and not hallucinate and vomit and dry heave bright green bile. And worst of all I hated that I had lost control.

My eating disorder and my alcoholism made my reality disappear. The food temporarily until my life became a cage, and the nicest word I can think of to name it would be a vomitorium because it was actually that repulsive if you could see inside the walls of it. The alcohol took control over me so I didn't have to deal with food, but also made it so I didn't worry or care about ANYTHING. 

So I guess this is how I'm going to start this ... whatever rant of words form a book. Where I'm at right now. Because right now is all I have. Yes, I am in full self pity mode, but if there's one thing I've learned from AA it's that I need to take action, and never have I ever felt worse after going to a meeting. So,lets go fucking make our bed, and meditate or some shit and get ready for today. So, yeah, Fuck Normal.

So, Why the fuck not?

I got most talkative in fifth grade. The english section of my English SAT’s, I aced. People (my boyfriend) seem to like my writing and have told me If I don’t do something with it, then they’ll publish it themselves… which I’m pretty sure falls into the lines of plagiarism but lets be honest here. I am probably one of the biggest procrastinators when it comes to doing something that is actually good for me. Why? The fuck if I know. Maybe because all I’ve known has been chaos and panic since, like,  forever, that when it comes to the real things, like happiness and joy and pride in work that I’VE DONE… well, I'm just not used to that type of thing.  But I figured, fuck it. I can write a book. All i have to do is elaborate on how awesome I am at self sabotaging and add in some very few lessons I picked up and am still learning day by day. Basically I’ve decided its time to just put all my shit in one bound piece of parchment instead of having to explain my life story to everyone as if its my first day with a new therapist. 

But alas, melodramatic Alex is bored and avoiding meditating, to keep her shit together and be healthier, obviously,  because that would actually be beneficial to my well being. So for now i’ll just throw it in one of the corners in the back of my mind while it slowly simmers into a pot of anxiety attack soup while I try and explain to you (briefly before the pot starts boiling) how fucking insanely delusionally fantastically fucked my life is, and how I got here, and why I wouldn’t change one second of it for anything. But I mean, there’s forwards and shit in books right? So can this be like a PS after the main intro forward? ‘Cause This sober bitch has to go meditate before a meeting so I can stay mindful in my sobriety and not add homicide to my list of criminal activities. (That was a joke) So for now, just for today, Namaste Sober. 

P.P.S- enjoy the buffet of garbage that hopefully is not similar to mine. But if you can and most likely will relate if you’re reading this (most likely because my clever title struck a chord in your twisted little heart) then just know, you're not alone in this shit show, but no one ever really puts the shit show on the ‘gram now do they?

#sobriety #clean and sober #addiction recovery #sobercommunity

[kozmeek]

fried

may 24, 2023 - 10:21

if it ain't me opting to go offcam for a meeting just so i could take snaps with my webcam... kinda ironic. also because im in my pjs, so no.

anyway, im in that spot again where every task feels like a drag. im dragging my weekdays, i couldnt wait for the weekend. hell, weekends dont even give me peace because i always have to be up and ready when a situation calls. the "dont bother me during off hours" simply isnt gonna work for many reasons, especially if youre responsible for a number of people. i know it wont get easier from here. fuck. every day is a character-building day. welp, seems like theres no other choice but to man/woman up, and get this fucken bread.

oh well, at least i got night of champions pay per view this weekend, thats something to look forward to. i wish i could end this with a "that's for today, good night!" but i still have tonnes of work to finish... so yeah— bye, i guess? lol.

#1 #2

[misslauwie]

Why hold them to a different bar?

Am a baby army. And honestly I am not sorry to say that Jimin recruited me and hes my ultimate bias within the Group. Hence why I will write this post which I think also applies to the other members as well not just Jimin.

I do wonder sometimes why BTS fans hold BTS to an impossible standard? Been reading in the socmed where some have been criticizing JM for his lack of updates in social media. How then hes perceived and called the laziest member. & im indignant by those comments floating around on the internet. Because if you follow their story, lazy would be the farthest adjective to describe them. Each one of them.

Looking back for the past 10 years, they have produce more albums than Coldplay. Coldplay themselves have admitted it during one of the interview. And their songs broke language barrier by having beats that is so catchy you catch yourself singing along even though you cant speak Korean. And when you dig down to the meaning behind their songs / music, you find a message so profound and good that is much needed in the current time where people like to tear eo down behind anonymity.

So lets become a better human as Jimin always strive and lets learn to love better. They have teach us to love ourselves better and we owe it to them to love them better too. By giving them time and space to breathe and most importantly trust them that they will come back to us when they are ready.

If you are real army, you wont miss how much content they have provided for us for the last decade. Other idols / artists at least western ones dont even operate like BTS do. BTS have given the best 10 years of their youth to army. And even if Im a baby army, I feel sad sometimes coz surely they have their own needs too. Some says its occupational hazard. Is it really? Remember Chris Martin said that he feels protective of BTS coz they dont have the same freedom like other artists do. I agree with Chris.

Need to reiterate that they are more than just idols or comedians during Run eps to lift your moods up. They are brilliant musicians that comes only once in every generation. This is clearly shown by songs that they have produced individually. They love us enough to share their love to music.. dont sour it up and made them apathetic towards music because that will be the tragedy of the century.

Actually as much as I stan them and miss them and wait for new content. Sometimes I wonder if its fair to expect them to immediately come back as a group after their military duty. Even currently they are taking time to produce solo works and go to military one by one so that army can get contents. This is very heart warming. As Jimin said their argument within the group typically stem from how they feel about army. And now please lets pay it back and forward by giving them space and time and freedom to grow more beautifully in their 2nd chapter. A love that is stifling will stunt their growth instead of letting them florish.

Sometimes I wonder why they cant be like US musicians and also live a normal life. Because they are human first just like us. They have their own wants, needs, aspirations, family... Let them breathe and live life..

I really do feel that if more army send their assurances to each members that we will still be there waiting for them and love them and support them.. and they do not need to join the rat race... then they will be able to bloom even more brilliantly and will present us the best of their music that is even more stunning in colors from their rich life experiences. Remember they are musicians, artists.. and good art is not instant or made-to-order.

So lets stop second guessing what they are doing right now, why they are not hanging out w eo so much like previously. They live together for the better part of their teenage years. I do think its healthy that they branch out and have friendships / relationships outside of their group. If life teaches me something, some people that you have bonded especially in your younger days will stay through thick and thin even though you dont spend every waking moments with them. When you meet with them again you just click and bond again. Trust after this period of growth, their bond will continue to be strong. And who are we really to judge just from a glimpse of their lives thats pretty much curated for us to see?

I get it that BTS is inspiring and we love them so much because they are relatable. They are generous in terms of sharing their personal struggles and wins. And we should be grateful that they did. But its not a standard that we should hold them to for the rest of their lives.. They should be allowed their personal space to grow. Namjoon has said that KPoP doesnt allow them time to grow. Lets support them right now by giving them time to flourish individually.

Sorry for the ramblings but my heart just ache when I think that after 2 years of gruelling military duty where im sure its physically draining, mentally challenging.. we expect them to immediately become our personal entertainers by coming out as a group. I love them, i love their content, excited when they drop content but at the same time I dont want their "black swan" song to materialize.

If nothing else, pls realize that a musician or artist like BTS dont come in every generation. So please dont take them for granted and appreciate them.

#bts #btsjimin

[red-dyed-sarumane]

having been here from the very beginning i think my fave aru sekai series lore is that

• despite it very clearly being a series (it is. it IS i can prove it to u) hiiragi magnetite has never addressed it as such. the fan art tag on twitter is aru sekai bijutsuten However it was chosen via poll and was a listener created tag. hiiragima themself has yet to say anything about it being a series. if u ask them a question (for example when i asked if the charas have names) they wont correct u & know what ur talking about but nope. they dont talk about the content of the songs outside of the songs at all

• possibly not aru sekai but we'll see eventually- they decided to make a song thats one second for every like they got. theyre currently making a song thats 70,000 seconds long (like 19 &1/2 hours). they have the file name saved so that "seconds" is replaced with "illness" which sounds the same in jpn

• the content is so fucking specific every time i see other people try to translate it theyre like "this was so confusing". they are so right but also i promise u it gets 2% easier when u know the songs are related

• sena yuta does the art for the main aru sekai series songs. asa is the other illust. even tho asa tends to do art for nonseries songs (nadenna, uni, rasshaina) marshall maximizer & canon are absolutely part of the series & i cant believe i keep seeing people over look this. the motif is RIGHT THERE. canon says aru sekai de in THE FIRST LINE whats not clicking

• many songs have context as text flashed for a frame in the video background! as of right now aru sekai soushitsu, kyuuyaku hankagai, shuuen touhikou, unplanned apoptosis, marshall maximizer, canon (this ones in code) have text. oumen mokushiroku, kugutsu ashura, laboratory do not. (if u want to get technical oumen has the ou kanji to say its part of the aru sekai shoushitsu order but theres no new information in it)

• all of the songs except for kugutsu ashura & laboratory have the "nami no ne no yume wo miyou" melody from aru sekai shoushitsu worked in somewhere. if u dont believe me ill get u time stamps if u ask. those two songs dont have it but im telling u its thematic, they ARE part of the series, but i cant only really theorize on what it means until we get more songs & content

• hiiragima once said "if u dont know how to read the title of kugutsu ashura you can just call it ashura" this is especially funny bc they always put furigana for their titles in their descriptions.

• they actually do a good job of getting characterization across once u get past the technical language they use. some of them are a lot more obvious than others (unplanned apoptosis. i think this girls so funny bc its so different from everything else) but theres a lot u can get from the word choice/play once ur used to all the weird science (?) terms. sena yuta's art also does an AMAZING job of getting their characters down in a single drawing. u can tell so much from the art for real. this is a whole essay in itself im stopping here for now

• all the characters have names!!!!!! i would know i asked directly & they responded they said yes the characters have names but theyre waiting for the right moment to reveal them. every day this torments me both bc i would like to call her by name instead of saying tenshi everyday and also bc i know this means they have plot significance & im not ready to handle that

• so far all the charas in the songs are girls but if i remember correct the bg text in some songs (shoushitsu & maximzier i think? id have to double check) refers to there being at least one guy in there somewhere.

• this is just a personal note but none of these people have basic lab safety i mean look at their outfits. if the world wasnt ending they die anyway wearing that esp the laboratory chara but i digress

• in general the series is ur "the world is ending and we need to find a way to stop it from ending"typical story i guess. not only plays on destruction of the world but also destruction of the self. its not ur lighthearted easy to handle voca series if u want that may i suggest honeyworks or perhaps last notes mikagura school suite instead

• we dont have a timeline. i can tell u from context the songs arent being posted in chronological order. i have no idea what the order is ive made a guess before but its just a guess.

• theres a paragraph in shoushitsu about a swampman & hilarious as it sounds it actually describes exactly whats going on. both about how the world functions in that no two attempts are the same but also that people who lose their "self" are also The Same But Not. which is interesting to know its so thought out considering the time between songs & how hiiragima claims to just be doing whatever they want. its very cohesive. somehow.

• i have no idea why the english titles of the songs are like that on youtube. i dont know if they did that themself or not but i for one refuse to acknowledge that shuuen touhikou is called "blade" over there. girl what how did we get there u just lost soo much connotation doing that. i want to say the swords arent even a main part of the song but i dont think i can actually. anyway the "eng" titles on yt dont exist to me

• the theme used to be 5 kanji title songs were the main songs and katakana with the first repeating (ex MArshall MAximizer) were more like. sub or context songs. and then we have like canon & laboratory so idk if those are just another type of song along with the others or if they decided they didnt want to follow that anymore. i need more info but still something to note. the kanji songs also used to be sections of shoushitsu (kyuu, shuu, ou, fuu, mei, juu, mou, ei) but then, again, kugutsu ashura threw me off so [vague confused gesturing]

• rain. thats all i need to say really. very few songs that dont have rain or the color blue in it somewhere & that's absolutely intentional.

• i saw sena yuta say something about flower language in regards to the laboratory art but i never saw if they elaborated and my friend whos into flower language was having a time trying to pin point what flower it was so for now another mystery unsolved

#aru sekai series #magu-san goto #i could keep going but i think this is long enough for now #speaking of the art tag if u check it u will notice im there a lot! im not proud of this #their taste in characters is cool girl which also happens to be my taste in characters so. #[making excuses] #i still think its funny i almost didnt listen to kyuuyaku when it was posted bc i didnt remember the producer name #& was like oh its one of those small producers that are hit & miss #& then i listened & was like FUCK THIS IS RELATED TO THE OTHER ONE #and now its been over two years and im STILL deciphering this #a series about the end of the world can be something so personal actually #heres my promised long post it will happen again ❤️

[kiwidotcom]

Ok. To avoid annoying people with texts I'm going to just document my night here. Bc im so anxious and need somewhere to put it lol

6:07 waiting outside the realty office. I texted the guy im working for but he hasn't answered. I think the door is open but if I go in now it'll make me seem later than I was. Plus he said he was running behind so I assume he isn't in there? The dinner im helping with starts in 20 mins. I should just go in but also. My god I don't want to. 2 hours until I can smoke lol

6:13 the inner door is locked and ymhe still hasn't texted me. I guess I could/should call but also . Why are people never on time lol. I used to be chronically late but its actually so impolite and causes so much stress for other people I try so hard not to be. I get that it's sometimes unavoidable but at least communicate???

6:15 Ok ill call in 5 if I haven't heard from him but man I hate phone calls. I'm doing someone a

6:25 update

Omfg so he got me to just knock on the door to go in. He's still on his way and some clients have now shown up. Also the guy who let me in was asking if im an agent here and also has no idea about the event thing

7:02

Ok everyone's here. Food is being consumed. The couple doing it are this elderly mixed race couple. And there's something about knowing they grew up in an even more racist world thst makes them even cuter. All the food is amazing

I feel like we wont be out of here by 8 but honestly im eating food and chilling and everyone is so nice

8:16 okkkk so. Adorable couple, good food. But he originally asked me to be here 6-8. And idk what the plan is. I tidied up. But they might want help loading the car. Also he said he'd pay cash so I'm assuming he won't pay me until we're done . I'm so happy to help but also i hate not knowing what's happening

Ok 12:27 am update

I fully started annoying my friends hence not updating

Left at 8:45. I didn't do more than $50 worth of work but also I could have bounced at 8 so. Ya know.

Been home since 9:20. Actually gotten quite a bit done. Almost completely emptied the room, and the place is tidy-ish. Like 3 loads of garbage / recycling will need to be taken down tomorrow morning lol. But whateverrr. I did ok.i also do. Other substances. My god. I'm ready to do this one every day again. I shouldn't and I won't. But my god I missed it. But also crazy tempted to invite someone over which I know id regret. So thats a downside of it ahagaha

1:52 am 

read that back, so many errors lol. but im not going to correct, its documented now. (remember when you could edit other peoples posts on here lmao) 

so i actually cleaned pretty intensely bc i realized this will set the bar for how me and my roommate with live. got up to get a drink, realized that and ended up cleaning for and hour lmao. upside of aforementioned substance. lol. 

#im just going to keep editing this post. #instead of posting 100 things #dw lol #rambling #12:32 addition: ya know aside from the price and addictiveness or health lmaooo

[gpavila]

ugh 10.31.23

I've honestly been feeling so ugh lately. I don't know how to explain it, I feel like i always try my best to put into words how i feel but this time i can't. I used to be good at going to people for help and advice, a part of me still is but i just cant. anymore, at least not like before. I just feel dumb after teliing someone anything or dont feel like i know how to really. Im at the point of my healing journey that im ready to let go of the pass and move on complety. I feel like this is the first time in like forever that i truly really do mea it, i am ready but am i really? I keep asking myself so much and feel like i expect so much from myself that i get so discurage whenver my progress isnt like other. I know and see tha i am far from where i use to be and that makes me so happy and gives me hope. New hope, more hope, healthy hope. I know and can tell that a part of me hasnt moved on completly and i mean that is okay. I keep trying to tell myseld that its okay and im trying to learn to be more patient with myself too. and its fucking hard. I find myself still dreamsing and thinking a lot about this particual person still (my ex) and it gets me so upset. i find myself waking up in the middle of my sleep and thinkin gbaout him and getting upset beecause why am i thinking about him you know, like i dont want to or do i? or what is it thats making my brain think about him still wihtout my control duh its frustuating. I was telling this to one of my friends from work and she told me that what if im under a spell or its wich craf. not going to lie a part of me is start to question it lol but i dont think so. I think if i really sit with my emotions like ive been trying to lern to do and its hard. but ive been wondering and now that im sitting here writing this, it came to me. Maybe the reason that i still think about him a lot and dream about him to the point that it wakes me up, might be simply because of my subconciouse. I feel like i have put so much of the blame on myself and have took all the guilt and kept it. I think a part of me still needs to fprgive myself, not only for the misdtakes that i made in that relastionship but how much i hurt myself in it. All of it, i still think i was a bad gf and but a lot of the blame on me so that might be it and maybe a bug factor too is that he moved on completely and faster than me. i know i haven't moved on and honestly yeah that really does upset me tbh but i know i need to be patient. I hope one day it is al gone for good because i am. as much as i didn't want to and as much as i was scared before now i am not, i want it, i want to completely move on for good, and i know the for good part will never happen, at least not in the way that i would hope for. i know that someone who was a big part of my life, someone who was my whole teenage years will be hard to completely forget, i wont, realistically speaking i wont, but idk the point that i am is good, it's a good sign that i am going in the right direction and i just have to keep doing what i am doing because the results are there and it seems to be working but at a really slow pace lol. I'm slowly starting to feel happy with myself and with who and what i have in my life. trying to make the best out of anything big or small. i look back at things and no longer get sad but glad it happend but something it can still hurt and all i guess is trying to say that i hope one day i can lookk back at everything without feelign one single glimps of hurt. I want to let go completly. im still sad

[mydiaryx]

Oh god why tf do I feel sick rn, after my coffee !! This is so peak and I still feel so tired, like I could literally go back to sleep, maybe I should do something else like my hair, like something I know ill have to do later anyways, hmmmm. Also I should do my breakdown cover and then get me and geo travel insurance, idk how I wanna do my hair anymore !! Hmmm at least I wont have to leave until like 4, and I can make geo get his bags ready eat and get my shoes !! I hope he can find my shoes I need a poo now of course !! I have this thing I just have the urge to go on animal crossing so bad rn ! Well if I take it to Dylans maybe I can, also I just realised maybe my headphones will connect to my switch ! That would be epic ! I need to do my nails tonight too lol agh !! I would have kept these on but since one broke that’s so embarrassing! Think ill end up with chrome again tbh ! Maybe soon ill go back to short chrome, I wonder when my parents are actually leaving, must be soon bc they have closed their door again I kinda wanna read some of my books !! But no need to be good, ill feel so much better if I finish this essay, then next week is for my report !! Which im not feeling confident with yet… but im sure I will soon ! Okay and I do also wanna use those cute pastel highlighters omg !! Maybe I should write down my daily plan eat and then I can use them, I kinda feel like I wanna sit at my desk today ..okay so uh oh not a good sign, think my mouse could have packed in okay kinda annoying that I can’t have my headphones in but its okay, kind of time to just focus on my work now I guess !! I have ages anyways maybe I can get 2 paragraphs done? 

[souljournaler]

some journaling

my brain said "you better give me stimulation 24/7 or else im gonna start thinkin" and i looked at my brain in all its "electric meat reacting to a Full Moon conjunct retrograde Mars in Gemini" and i decided it's time to sit down and do some free-form journaling

oh my gods i just switched over to the legacy editor to write this and it’s night-and-day for how much better this works, lmao. anyway

yeah so this full moon was so aggressive that i started my period the second she hit 100% visibility.

PMS lasted what feels like a lot longer than usual, and i had cramps for days before i saw blood. the yoozh: sense of doom, squidward-style anxiety about the future, compelling sense of impatience, self-loathing for needing to rest, a little bit of task overwhelm, general tiredness

it doesn’t help that it’s been super overcast these past few days. ive literally gone from taking my observations every day to completely forgetting for days in a row. there is a HUGE weather system coming thru these next few days and so i imagine the air pressure is gonna be fluctuating wildly, so it’s no wonder i feel like shit

maybe it’s just because i feel like shit already but it feels like a bunch of important breaking points are being reached at once. labor strikes in nursing, academia, and coal, and hopefully the rail and air workers will join them soon. it seems like my prediction that “we’ll get a general strike whether we plan one or not” is coming true, just simply because working conditions are getting so much worse for so many industries that theyre all deciding they wont tolerate it anymore. though also, im sure a general strike is being planned, it just wont be called that, it won’t have spokespeople, and it won’t be under the name of any one organization

sometimes i get frustrated that i need to take time to rest when i feel crappy. i know that if i work through the crappy feeling, it just pushes the crappy feeling to Later and compounds with however crappy i was already gonna feel Later. so i have to deal with my crappy feelings in the present, when they come up, as they come up, or i eventually hit a breaking point and put myself out for weeks or months. it’s just frustrating because i procrastinated to do some things i needed to do with a consistent pace, but now i feel crappy enough to not be able to do much of anything, especially not the things i needed to do earlier

blegh. i guess i’m still practicing at pacing things well for myself. it doesnt help that the whole outside world goes at its own pace that is MUCH faster and more demanding than my internal pace

ive been talking to my peers about how ive been feeling frustrated that i amn’t who or how i want to be yet-- i still have to go thru that process of learning the new and cool shiny life lessons that i will pick up like a funky little crow and stick onto my sense of self, but right now i have that feeling like i just got a very cool new one of them bags that has the pin display on the front, but i only have like two pins and one of them is rusty from how long ive had it and i do not often have money to buy new pins for the display

the new shower feels really nice, at least. i didnt realize how much of a mood improvement it would be to simply have a nicer-looking shower, but there ya have it. also i definitely think that once i’m able to build my own bath/shower room, it will have a lot more color. and some plants. maybe even a lot of plants

i had a bunch of dreams last night about needing to get ready for something suddenly, like having to pack up after an event, or pack up to leave for traveling, or clean up a room with a lot of trash, and it was so stressful each time that dream me was like “fuck this, i am literally dreaming, cya” and woke up. i made sure to tidy up my space a little once i woke up lmao, especially after seeing a post from Unfuck Your Habitat like “are YOU living in a depression den?” and i was like “ugh fine, ok, fuck, you got me, yes im living in a depression den”

also, my partner is leaving for a trip in just a couple of days, and will be gone for a week. im already pre-grieving how much i’m gonna miss him. he always brightens any space he’s in. i wish i had a community that made it so i dont have to rely on him for so much of my in-person social interaction.

ive noticed that ive been staying up later so i can sleep through the time when he’s not here and maximize conscious cuddle time while he’s asleep

damn, that’s kinda sad now that i type it out like that. i wonder if that’s how kaede feels being the only cat here.

damn... sometimes i just need to cry when i feel lonely. it doesnt help solve anything, but it can be soothing to just let those sad chemicals go and take the time to breathe and remember that it’s okay to feel lonely. i miss my sisters. i miss my sibling. i miss parents i didnt get to have. i miss friends. im so tired of deciding not to be friends. im grateful for the people who stick around, but i feel sad that theyre so few and far-between

i guess the loneliness has a lot to do with the impatience for the future. i dont want to feel lonely anymore. i dont want the people i miss to feel lonely. i want my community to be closer together. having the server has been life-saving for some of us (it’s really lived up to its name) but tbh i would really like for all of us to be able to get together in the same place

anyway i’m starting to get distracted so i’m gonna go ahead and wrap this up. might write more later as i feel like it

cya l8r,

Sol

#journal #rambling sol

[searchingformylostpan]

Why. I dont get why you didn't tell me that you had someone else at any point in the phone call. I know youve read this blog, i literallly begged you to tell me of you did so i wasnt over here making an even bigger idiot of myself still being hopelessly in love with someone who simply moved on to bigger and better things without any issues. Fucking everything reminds me of you. I cant go to the Fucking grocery store without being reminded of you

I want to stop feeling all of this. I dont care if that means i never feel love again, i just want this pain to stop. I want to stop crying and just be numb to the world again. Death sounds infinitely better than having to feel like this from now on, beause no matter how many times you tell me to move on, or that youre done with me forever because i cant finish a round of rehab or because theres someone else (that one is honestly the least comvincing. There was someome else the whole time i was with you and i didnt have a choice about it. It was either deal with that or not have you and well i stupidly wanted you. I thought we had something that i clearly way overestimated. I am not your brother. You talked to me last night as if i was him and it honestly made me feel disgusting. Why did you call to check in on me? Just to see if i was doing ok enough for you to tear me down some more? Just to make sure i was plenty miserable, that i couldn't say a goddamn thing to you without you telling me it was all lies WELL GUESS FUCKING WHAT. IT WASNT ALL LIES. YOU ARE NOT A GOD YOU CANNOT KNOW EVERY POSSIBLE THING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME SO HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU KNOW IF IM BEING HONEST OR NOT. What reason do i have to lie to you anyways. This is what i told you in the hospital and what i forgot about, the main reason we wont work anymore is because you think i am literal garbage now. You think so poorly of me i could hear it in your voice when you were speaking to me last night. The disgusting bad taste it must have put in your mouth to talk to me for that long...and the saddest part of it all? All that and im still in love with you.

If you dont want to bring daryl back inside your house, please let him come back to mine. He is not safe outside there are countless things that could hurt him and i am so worried about him now that i know you let him get out. Im about ready to go over there and trap him myself, he is my child and i know i abandoned him at yours, but you also agreed to keep him safe. Outside is not safe.