#and that is literally an accomplishment because this summer I’ve just been so terrified of passing out from the heat | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

fckinsupreme · 4 years

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it happened one summer - xavier plympton x fem reader

Description: Xavier tries to charm a fellow counselor, but she isn’t falling for it. She wants something serious, and believes that Xavier is after one thing. Can he convince her that he wants more than just a hook-up?

Word count: 6k

Warnings: Female reader, AU, loss of virginity, unprotected sex, oral sex (female receiving), fingering, nipple play, handjob, basically the second half of this is nothing but filth.

A/N: Anonymous requested--Xavier trying to flirt with the new girl who goes to Redwood with his gang. She's a virgin but not stupid. She wants a serious relationship with someone more than just sex. And if this blondie only wants a regular hook up, well she's not the one. So Xavier will tried to convice her that he really wants something more with her. He thinks he's hot, but not because of her body. (Well, a little) But when he sees her zero fuck attitute he feels in love even more.

_________________________________

“Checkmate!”

You groan in defeat as Xavier Plympton claims one of your checkers, eyeing him in wide-eyed desperation. “Do I have to?”

“You know the rules, babe,” he says, gesturing toward your shirt. “Strip checkers denotes losing an article of clothing with every loss of a piece, so pay up!”

You sigh, annoyed with your own carelessness as you unbutton your blouse. A breeze passes through the ajar cabin door, the summer night air hitting your bare skin as your shirt falls to the floor. Your nipples harden inside of your bra, but luckily, the padding keeps it mostly concealed. “I thought checkmate was a chess thing, by the way?”

“Hm, don’t know,” Xavier says, licking his lips as he ogles your shirtless form. “Your turn.”

Your eyes scan the board, trying to decide a good move. The answer stares you in the face for the longest time, and you move one of your red checkers over one of his black ones when you see it. You claim the piece, eyeing his shirt with a satisfied grin. “Your turn.”

“Goddammit,” Xavier says with a chuckle, tugging his teal shirt over his head and throwing it aside.

Your cheeks heat in a hot blush at the sight of his bare torso. You knew he was fit and had a good body, but you didn’t quite realize just how built he had been. Muscles rippled beneath his skin, a slight outline of abs present on his stomach, his chest perfectly defined. Xavier has apparently noticed the color in your cheeks as you stare, a grin forming over his full lips. He laughs and flexes his biceps for you, which finally tears your gaze away with a darker flush.

“Like what you see, babe?” Xavier asks smugly.

“I--” you begin, cutting yourself off with a shake of your head as you watch him make a move. Luckily, he doesn’t claim any of your pieces. “Why do you flirt with me so much? It’s all you’ve done since we got here at camp.”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Xavier asks with an amused grin.

“Not really, no,” you say, making an unsuccessful move. “Enlighten me.”

“It’s because you’re beautiful,” Xavier says, surveying the board and moving his piece. “Seriously, Y/N. You’re stunning, and I don’t think you even realize it. I think you’re totally oblivious to the fact that you’re a fucking knockout, and that makes you even more beautiful.”

“What a line,” you say with a slight eye roll as you move a piece past his. He removes his shorts, and you’re unable to get a good look before he sits down. “Do you say that to all the girls you wanna get in bed with?”

“No,” he says, his tongue poking out as he claims another of your checkers. “Aha!”

You whine, slipping out of your skirt with reluctance. You feel so vulnerable, so exposed, and you aren’t too fond of that feeling. You try to cover your still-covered breasts with one arm, but to no avail. Xavier is trying so hard not to gawk, but he’s unable to help himself. For some odd reason, his staring fills you with a certain degree of rage. He certainly didn’t get angry when you were checking him out, so why be so harsh? You had a hunch as to why, but you weren’t going to vocalize it yet; mostly because it scared you to even entertain.

“I need to get back to my cabin,” you say, rising to your feet. “This was a mistake.”

“Woah, what?” Xavier asks in surprise, brows knitted as he watches you gather your discarded clothes. “Babe--”

“Please stop calling me that,” you beg as you get dressed. “And please stop flirting with me.”

“But--” he begins, cut off as you walk out of the cabin and into the night.

******

The next morning, Xavier was at it again.

Not only did he flirt with you first thing, but he was also hitting on Montana, Brooke, and anyone else within range. Apparently it hadn’t been the first time; you’d overheard Montana telling Ray that Xavier was getting more flirtatious with her since their arrival. You felt betrayed, deceived, utterly foolish for believing that a man as beautiful as Xavier Plympton would ever want you. Your heart stung, but you made a promise to yourself not to fall for it again. It was one you intended to keep, no matter how difficult he made it.

You ate breakfast alone, in silence. Your lone wolf status didn’t last long, however, as Xavier took a seat next to you. You scoot away, but he follows, oblivious to your anger and disappointment. Since moving isn’t working, you choose to ignore him. You eat quietly, not acknowledging his presence until he starts flirting with you once more. This time, his topic had been how the filtering of the sunlight in the cafeteria made you look angelic, and how he would love to show you Heaven sometime.

“Stop,” you say sternly. “Just stop it, Xavier.”

“What’s wrong?” Xavier asks.

“You’re what’s fucking wrong,” you say. “I know you’re flirting with literally every single counselor here. I fucking know I’m not the only one.”

“Y/N--” he begins, but you stop him.

“No, fucking listen to me for once,” you say after taking a bite of bacon, and he falls silent. “I thought I was the only one. I was gonna give you a chance, but after all of that? No thanks; I’ll pass.”

“I--” he starts, and you cut him off again.

“I’m not done,” you say angrily. “I want something serious. I want a relationship, not something where I have to contend with a man who flirts around and can’t decide who he wants. I want commitment, love, joy. Clearly, none of that is what you can give.”

“I don’t understand why that’s such a big deal,” Xavier says softly. “I--”

“You wanna know?” you ask, your voice raised a little. You lower it as a few counselors turn in your direction, not wanting to attract too much attention. “It’s a huge fucking deal to me, because I’m a virgin. Okay?”

His eyes widen at that admission, and he gapes before finding his voice. “You...what? Really?”

“Really,” you confirm. “I want my first time to be with someone special, so I haven’t experienced it yet. Wanna know why? Because all men I’ve considered always ended up being like you.”

Xavier hangs his head in shame, and when he looks at you again, his expression is remorseful. “I’m so sorry, Y/N. I didn’t know; I feel like such a jerk.”

“That’s because you are one,” you say, tossing your napkin onto the tray of your half-eaten meal. “So, if your objective has been trying to get in my pants, then you’re wasting your time. I’m not giving my virginity to you.”

“I do want only you,” he says, and you laugh humorlessly. “Seriously! I only flirted with the others because I thought you didn’t like me.”

“I did like you, until you threw yourself at every piece of ass here,” you spit, getting up from the table. “I’m going to shoot some arrows at the archery station. Please don’t bother following me.”

He didn’t.

********

The next few days were quite eventful on the Xavier front. Every time you turned around, it seemed Xavier was right there with another lame tall tale. He was sorry, he would do better, he would stop flirting with others, he would spend more time with you and less with them. You rebuffed him each time, not wanting to hear another word of it.

But then he actually did stop flirting around, and he was there to lend a sincere helping hand when you needed it. In your mind, you interpreted all of these sudden changes as him wanting to be your first. After all, most men had a secret obsession with virginal women—or not so secret, in some cases. Xavier was a playboy, there was no doubt about that. So, who’s to say that he didn’t possess the same sick need to be the one taking your virginity? You were nothing but a bragging right to him, and your anxiety & temper about it finally boiled over as the two of you swam in the lake.

“You truly are a pretty girl,” Xavier says as you surface from a dive. “Even when doing the smallest things.”

“Can you not do this?” you beg. “Please. I came out here to cool off, not listen to more of your bullshit.”

He holds his hands up in mock surrender, a wide grin on his lips. “Sorry. I just feel bad for what happened, and I wanted to show you how sorry I really am.”

“Just don’t flirt with me,” you say. “That’s all you need to do, if you really wanna prove it to me.”

He nods with a sigh, and you float on your back. The sky is a clear, cloudless blue, so mesmerizing and also a bit terrifying. How easy it was to get lost in such an abyss and how simple it was to associate that color blue with Xavier’s eyes...Those beautiful baby blues that seemed so endless, like a vast ocean or sky that would take and take and take--

You stop yourself, taking a deep breath and plunging below the water. You allow it to carry you, swaying you gently to and fro, not sure what doing so will accomplish. Perhaps you wanted to drown the thoughts of him away, or maybe it was as simple as wanting to hide. The anger flashes through your mind again, that comment he’d made minutes earlier churning through your insides. You go up, gulping air into your lungs and pushing some hair from your eyes as you glare daggers at him.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” he asks curiously. “What have I done now?”

“What you always do,” you say, swimming away from him. “You do realize these half-assed attempts won’t work, right? I know what your angle is.”

“And what is it?” Xavier asks irritably. “Please tell me what you think is going on in MY head.”

“You only want to try and ‘prove’ yourself so I change my mind and let you fuck me,” you spat. “It’s not working, Xavier.”

“Y/N,” Xavier says in frustration. “That’s not why! You aren’t some meaningless piece of ass to me. I know your stance; if I was gonna use you, I would have given up already. It was clear that you wouldn’t change your mind, so it wouldn’t have been worth it to keep trying.”

“I call bullshit,” you say, climbing out of the lake and shaking water from your ears. “I’m sorry, but I don’t believe it.”

You look back at him as you grab your towel. He’s quiet, but the expression on his face was akin to a man in love. The glint in his eyes, the awestruck look, the dopey grin. You can’t stop the laugh that rips from your chest at the sight, but as you walk away, your heart pangs at the thought of what it may mean.

This wasn’t going to be easy, was it?

***********

A couple days after the lake incident, the counselors gathered at the dock to enjoy a barbecue and some sunbathing. That is, all the counselors except you; you took up the offer to clean Margaret’s cabin. Anything that kept you away from Xavier was exactly what you needed. It wasn’t that he was bothering you; you were past that point now. In fact, you actually wanted to see him more, after seeing the lovestruck expression on his face days earlier. But you told yourself you wouldn’t get attached or fall for him any harder; it would only end in a heartbreak that you possibly couldn’t recover from.

You begin dusting Margaret’s mantel when you hear Xavier at the front door. “Y/N?”

Your blood runs cold, and you swallow hard past the lump in your throat. “Yeah?” you manage, poking your head into the front room.

“I had to come and see you,” Xavier says, wringing his hands anxiously. “I know you don’t want to hear it, but all I’m asking is that you hear me out. Okay?”

You sigh, sitting behind her desk as you dust your hands off. “You can try, but no promises that I’ll believe you.”

He nods in understanding, taking a deep breath. “Listen, I know you think that I’m only after you for sex. I know you think I’m lying when I say that isn’t true, but I honestly don’t want you just for that reason. I truly think that you’re beautiful and that you’re the best girl I’ve ever met. You’re all I’ve thought about from the moment we met, and as much as I wish you would get out of my head, it won’t happen. I don’t care that you’re a virgin; I like you for you. I flirted with the others, because I didn’t wanna fall deeply for you. I know you’d never go for a guy like me. Why would you? A goddess like you is way out of my league, anyway.”

“Xavier--” you begin, but he cuts you off.

“I’m not done,” he says, taking another deep breath. “I know I screwed up by being too flirty, but I’m determined to make it up to you. I’ll do whatever it takes to prove to you that I’m telling the truth. I really am sorry, and knowing that I hurt you causes me pain, too. I just...I’m an idiot and I really screwed up. I didn’t know what a good thing I was losing. It’s just something I’m always going to have to live with, and I hope you can forgive me someday.”

You’re silent, staring at him in astonishment. Xavier, apparently taking this as the worst possible sign, turns to leave. Before he can, though, you rest a hand on his arm to stop him. The realization that he’s telling the truth hits you full force, and you can’t just let him walk away. The efforts he took to find you and come clean, to pour his heart out...If he truly was after sex, it wouldn’t have occured to him to do any of it. He would have kept persisting, but this? It wasn’t the standard, run-of-the-mill player nonsense. It was genuine.

“Wait,” you whisper, eyes flicking to meet his. “Please don’t go.”

“But--” he begins.

Before he can formulate a complete response, your lips press to his in a soft, chaste kiss. It’s quicker than you intended, but you hope he received the message loud & clear. He melts against your lips, the hint of a smile on his own as you draw back. The faintness of his grin fades quickly, replaced by a frown as he shakes his head. You can still feel the soft plumpness of his lips on yours, an electric tingle charging through them and settling between your legs. You look at him in confusion as he stares at the ground, wondering what’s going through his mind. Finally, he speaks it.

“Don’t kiss me unless you mean it,” he begs. “Please, Y/N.”

“I do mean it,” you assure him, brushing your fingers through the hair on the side of his head. “I really do. I know you’re being honest, Xavier. It took a lot of effort and I know you wouldn’t have bothered if you didn’t mean it. It’s too much to put yourself through for a single day of sex, and you know my stance. But you didn’t give up, and that’s how I know you mean it.”

The grin that forms on Xavier’s face threatens to split it in half. His hands land on your waist, coaxing you toward him until your chest is flush to his. He brushes hair from either side of your face with both of his hands, cupping your jaw and caressing your cheeks with his thumbs. He slowly comes in for another kiss, his warm, inviting lips finding yours once more. Your eyes slip closed, and an overwhelming urge to deepen the kiss washes over you. Your tongue trails over his lips after a moment, and you can feel him withdrawing. You whine in protest, but he shakes his head in response.

“Do you really want this?” Xavier asks, nervously chewing on his lower lip. “If you aren’t ready, then we don’t have to. Please don’t feel pressured, okay?”

“I do want it,” you say. “I really do. I wouldn’t be engaging you if I didn’t. I want it, Xavier; I want you.”

“I won’t let you down or break your heart,” Xavier promises. “You have my word on that.”

“I know,” you say, closing the space between you and sealing your lips to his again.

The kiss immediately deepens, with Xavier’s tongue swiping past yours as he grips the back of your neck. His lips taste of peppermint and a faint hint of citrus, and the combination is dizzying. It makes you crave more of him, and you lick the roof of his mouth as he shivers slightly. He backs you up, drawing away long enough to lead you to Margaret’s bed. He places you on the mattress, lips connecting to yours again. Your hands explore his back and torso, wanting to take in every single inch that’s accessible to you.

“Mmm,” he hums, mouth trailing over your jaw and down your neck. “Is it okay if I start taking your clothes off?”

“Yes,” you say, nuzzling against his scalp. “Go ahead.”

“You’re sure?” Xavier asks, and you chuckle as you give him a playful swat. “Ow!”

“It’s really fine,” you say. “If something is wrong, I’ll tell you. I swear.”

He tugs you up, lifting your shirt over your head and discarding it. He studies you, the way your chest heaves, the way you’re already reaching for him in anticipation, and he kisses you with such passion that it sends electricity throughout your body. You grab his shirt next, and as soon as you fist it, he stops the kiss to remove it. You take in every line of muscle with your fingers, relishing in the way he shudders beneath your touch. His lips attach to your neck again, leaving featherlight kisses all over your skin. You moan loudly as he kisses the area between your neck & shoulder, which prompts him to press his mouth even harder against that same spot.

“Shit, that feels so good,” you gasp, and you can feel him grinning against your neck.

“You’ll be surprised what feels good, babe,” he breathes, dragging his teeth along your neck and under your jaw. “I’ll show you.”

“Please,” you beg, grabbing his belt and unfastening it clumsily. “I want you to show me everything.”

“I will,” he promises. “I’ll be slow and gentle.”

“I trust you,” you say, gripping his hair as he kisses your collarbones. “Wholeheartedly.”

“What a pleasant turn of events,” Xavier jokes, winking as he coaxes your hips upward. “Lift yourself up, baby.”

You do as you’re told, allowing Xavier to remove your shorts. Xavier kisses you again as he throws them aside, his tongue pressing to yours as he runs a hand from your side to your hip. Your fingers fumble with his zipper, and after what seems to take forever, you get his pants unbuttoned. You shove them down as far as you can manage, and he kicks them to the floor. The two of you make out a little, with your bra & panties coming off along the way. When you remove his boxers, you both sit back to admire each other’s exposed bodies. Xavier’s cock is far bigger than you imagined, and you chew your lip anxiously as you wonder how much it’s going to hurt. Xavier, seemingly picking up on your anxiety, gives you a gentle, reassuring kiss.

“I’ll be cautious and I’ll make sure you’re ready,” he assures. “Can I just say, though...Your body is fucking perfect, Y/N. Perfect tits, perfect pussy, perfect everything.”

You blush a little, and Xavier begins kissing over your breasts. He explores every inch, pulling your nipple between his teeth. He’s very careful, but the sensation is one you’ve never felt before. It’s so good that your eyes flutter closed, a soft mewl falling from your lips as he starts sucking. Your noises grow in volume, your cunt throbbing as fresh arousal pools between your legs. His hand caresses your thigh, a violent shiver rolling down your spine as he touches a particularly sensitive area. He alternates, switching to the opposite nipple and giving it the same treatment as the other. You tug his hair, arching a little against the new, unfamiliar sensations coursing through your body.

“Xavier,” you mewl, eyes closed as he starts massaging your tits. He presses them together, burying his face in your chest and inhaling your scent. You giggle as he leaves small hickeys between them, the light marks soon darkening as his tongue runs over one nipple again. “It feels so nice.”

“I know something that’s gonna feel even better,” Xavier says, kissing down your stomach.

“What is it?” you question, sitting up on your elbows to get a good look at him.

“Eating your pussy,” he says, pulling you down a little as he settles between your legs. “You know what that is, don’t you?”

“Duh,” you say with a chuckle, biting back a moan as he kisses the top of your mound. “I’m not totally clueless, but I want you to do it. I want it so fucking much.”

“And you’ll get it,” he tells you, opening your legs a little further to observe your soaked cunt.

You take in the sight, just drinking it up. His pretty blue eyes fixated on your face as he presses the most delicate kisses to your inner thighs. The way his breath fans over your skin. The way his hair tickles your thighs, his earring catching the light as his strong arms grip your legs. It’s an image you never want to lose, and one you wanted burned into your mind forever. If he would ever leave you, God forbid...you wanted to memorize every last detail.

“Are you ready?” Xavier asks, running his tongue slowly along your groin.

“I’ve been ready,” you breathe, whining as he licks the opposite side. “Please, do it.”

Xavier gently opens your legs a bit further, two of his fingers parting your inner lips before running his tongue through them. The sensation that his wet, silky tongue leaves behind is nothing short of incredible, and it’s much better than you ever imagined. He hums as your taste floods his mouth, his eyes slipping closed as he relishes in it. You shiver as his tongue flicks your clit, the touch so soft and light that you almost couldn’t register it. His arms remain around your thighs, his large hands gripping the areas above your knees. As his lips brush over each side of your pussy, his thumbs caress the hollows of your knees as a bit of reassurance, calming your nerves even more.

“How are you doing?” Xavier asks, sucking your left lip. “Good?”

“Very good,” you confirm, playing with the little stray piece of hair on his forehead. “I love it so much. Please don’t stop.”

“I won’t unless you tell me to,” Xavier says, massaging the same area with his tongue as his fingers trail through your slick, messy cunt. “Do you mind if I finger you?”

“No, go ahead,” you say, crying out in pleasure as his finger slowly pushes inside, stopping only when he’s in to the last knuckle. “Xavier...That...It’s amazing.”

“I know, baby,” he coos, working his finger against your sweet spot as he laps ast your clit. “I know.”

You arch instinctively as he curls his finger, and the mixed sensations of that & his tongue send jolts up your spine. His eyes never leave your face, wanting to see your reactions and how your body moves in response, and it occurs to you that he’s doing as you had moments ago. He wants to keep this memory, in case he cannot have it again after today. But you already know that he didn’t need to worry, just as you, unknowingly, didn’t need to worry about it, either.

“Can I add another finger?” Xavier asks gently, kissing along your outer labia. “Or would that be too much?”

“Try it,” you say. “If it’s too much, I’ll tell you.”

He nods, carefully adding a second finger. It doesn’t hurt, but you feel fuller than before. It isn’t too unpleasant, but it does feel a little odd at first. Every time you touched yourself in the past, it was more clitoral stimulation than fingering, so it was a little weird with someone else doing it for you. Besides, his fingers were longer and thicker than yours, which only added to the foreign sensation they left. You clench instinctively, and he groans lowly against your clit in response.

“You’re so beautiful,” Xavier rasps, his free hand snaking up your side and landing on one of your breasts. “The most beautiful girl in the world.”

You’re so lost in pleasure that you don’t even roll your eyes at his comment, instead feeling a familiar tightness in your lower belly. The way he’s sucking on your clit, pumping his fingers, and playing with your breast are enough to tip you, but you aren’t ready to fall yet. You want to prolong it as much as possible, to savor it. Who knows how long it would be until you could have it again, especially with Margaret and her bullshit “no sex” rules. Knowing Xavier, however, he would find a way.

But would he find a way with you again?

You shake those thoughts from your head, bringing yourself back to present. Xavier’s fingers rub against your G-spot, just as his lips envelop your clit again. He shakes his head rapidly back & forth, applying more pressure with his mouth. He swipes his thumb over your hard nipple, pinching in time with his tongue. You don’t have time to warn him that you’re cumming, your orgasm washing over you and casting you into a pleasurable abyss. You gush all over his fingers, his name spilling from your lips as you close your eyes while the high takes you. You’d given yourself many orgasms over the years, but this was much better by far. There was just something about having someone do it for you that was intoxicating, and you crave more already. You were so sensitive, however, that just the feeling of him dragging his nose through your folds brings pain.

Xavier pulls his fingers out, drawing his head away as you shove it. “Are you okay, babe?”

“I’m amazing,” you breathe. “Just a little sensitive, that’s all.”

“Not bad for your first time, huh?” Xavier asks as he slowly climbs up your body.

“Not at all,” you breathe, tugging him down for a hot kiss. You can taste your pussy on his mouth, his lips still slick with your juices before you lick it away. “You’re fucking good at that.”

“You’re just saying that because you have nothing to compare it to,” Xavier teases, his lashes fluttering as you close your hand around his erection. “Oh fuck, baby…”

His cock feels heavy in your hand, and pleasantly warm as you glide your hand up and down. It takes you a second to get a proper rhythm, and Xavier is happy to help you. He places his hand on yours, guiding you, showing you how it’s done. You take in every ridge, every bit of skin, every motion, getting used to how he feels before he fucks you. You’re a little nervous, but at the same time, you can’t wait. You trust Xavier, you know he’s going to be careful, but there’s still part of you that’s scared.

“Fuck,” Xavier hisses, peering at you with a soft smile. “Are you ready?”

You nod, taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly to try and calm your nerves. “I am. Just...go slow, okay?”

“I promise I will,” Xavier says, rubbing his cock through your folds to help you adjust to the feel. “On three.”

You count down, and Xavier begins pushing inside. A burning, tearing pain sears through your core, and you wince as you squeeze your eyes shut. The pressure is intense, unpleasant, and you worry that you won’t be able to do this after all. Xavier stops immediately, not going any further yet. You wonder if there’s blood and how much, but the thought is so scary that you push it away quickly. This was supposed to be fun and enjoyable, not something to fear. However, the pain is so great that it takes you away from any other thought. It makes focusing on pleasure a little difficult, but you trust Xavier and the process.

“Does it hurt too much, baby?” Xavier questions, kissing over your neck in a soothing manner. “Should I stop?”

“No, I’m okay,” you assure him. “It hurts, but I don’t want you to stop.”

He nods, kissing you tenderly before continuing to slowly push inside of you. It’s still painful, so he stops occasionally to give you more time to adjust. But soon, the uncomfortable pressure begins to dissipate, and you can feel every little bit of him. He’s probably in halfway now--or a little over that, but it’s all you can take. He’s massive, and you can’t accommodate all of him right now, but that’s fine with you. What you’re already feeling is nothing short of incredible, and is far from what you imagined in the best way possible. Pain was temporary; your focus was on the present, and it was perfect now.

“How are you feeling?” Xavier asks as he gazes into your eyes. “Is it still really painful?”

“No, I’m better now,” you say, kissing him hotly before clenching around him. It feels so strange, but it’s a good strange. “Please go deeper; I think I can take it.”

Xavier inches in a bit deeper, getting a little more progress before you stop him. Tears prickle at your eyes as fresh pain rips through your core, and Xavier shakes his head. “That’s enough for now, babe. I’m in far enough, don’t worry.”

You open your mouth to tell him that you’re fine, but he gives that first slow, shallow thrust and you soon forget. A moan slips from your lips, and you cling to him as he sets a careful pace. He keeps the slow rhythm, not daring to speed up in fear of hurting you. He looks into your eyes, not wavering his gaze as his muscular arms flex with every move he makes. One of your hands grips his back, the other holding the base of his neck to pull him down for a kiss. The pain is slowly melting away, replaced by the most overwhelming ecstasy you’ve ever felt.

“Fuck, I can’t get over how good you feel,” Xavier breathes, pressing tender kisses to your cheeks and jawline. “You’re so tight, so wet.”

“I guess the tightness was to be expected,” you tease, forehead against his as he comes up for another kiss.

“It was,” he says against your lips, smiling as he begins breathing heavily. He’s still set at a slow, romantic pace, but you’re in no hurry to make him go faster. “Baby…”

“Xavier,” you whine, his lips attaching to your upper chest as he hums lowly.

“You’re doing so well,” he praises. “You’re taking my cock so well, babe. I knew you could; I think you were really meant for me.”

“Strangely, I do, too,” you say, head falling back with a moan as he hits directly into the spot that makes you see stars. “Shit, do that again.”

Xavier thrusts against that spot once more, and you dig into his back momentarily. He moans softly at the feeling of your nails in his skin, hooking your legs over his waist to hit at a deeper angle. Another burning sensation tears through you, but it isn’t as bad or long-lasting as the first had been. He brings your lips to his in a heated, passionate kiss, conveying all emotion into it. If it hadn’t already been clear how he felt for you, that one kiss would have sealed the deal.

Xavier Plympton was going to be the death of you, wasn’t he?”

“I love how well you’re handling this,” Xavier says. “You’re so fucking good, babe. I’m gonna take even better care of you, okay? I promise.”

You smile, but it’s soon wiped from your face as you turn toward the front door. No one is there, but the fact that Margaret could return at any minute made your blood run cold. You pull Xavier’s face toward yours with a worried expression, but he doesn’t seem to notice your concern.

“Xav, what if Margaret comes back?” you ask anxiously. “We’ve been here for awhile.”

“She won’t,” Xavier assures. “It’s gonna be okay. I overheard her saying that she was going to town for supplies and would be gone all day. She left Trevor and Bertie in charge.”

“I’d be surprised if the camp is still standing when she gets back,” you joke, gripping his back a little tighter as his lips find your nipple. “Mmm…”

Xavier reaches down, rubbing your clit as your body tenses. He takes it as a painful reaction, slowly removing his hand before you grab his wrist to stop him. You shake your head, placing his hand back on your clit and holding it there as he grins. He presses his forehead to yours, gazing into your eyes as you both moan hotly. You nuzzle against him as his thrusts gain speed, and all initial discomfort is soon forgotten. Your head tips back, eyes shut for a moment before they snap open when he growls lowly.

“Fuck,” he hisses. “I never want this to end.”

“I don’t, either,” you admit. “Even if Margaret does walk in, I don’t want you to stop.”

“She won’t,” Xavier says. “Even if she did, what is she gonna do? Make us clean the whole camp? It would be so worth it!”

“Please keep doing that,” you beg, pushing against his hand for emphasis. “I’m getting really close.”

“Me too, baby,” Xavier whispers, one hand still working aa he uses the other for balance. “You’re sure it’s okay to cum inside of you?”

“Yes,” you say. “As long as it’s okay with you.”

“You first,” Xavier says, rubbing your clit in harder, faster circles. “Come on, baby. I know you want to.”

You almost roll your eyes, but you’re too lost in your pleasure to care about his comment. One more sharp thrust and a couple more swipes to your clit send the coil loose, tipping you over the edge into bliss. You cum the hardest you ever have before--including earlier--scratching down his back hard enough to draw a little blood. You cry out his name, your orgasm washing over you in a long wave. It feels like you’re drowning, your head spinning, your breath stolen, his sweaty body still pressed to yours.

Xavier cums after, and a new warmth soon spreads inside of you. You can barely register it, but it feels amazing nonetheless as he gently bites your neck. His cock twitches as he finishes, pulling out to collapse next to you. Some of his seed drips from your pussy, gathering onto the bed below. You’re both panting, lying there as you try to collect yourselves. The smell of sex and crisp summer air billow around the room, but neither of you are bothered. You’re too absorbed in the afterglow to care.

After a few moments of silence, Xavier scoops you in his arms. He hugs your sticky, slightly shaky body to his, lips pressing to the top of your head. “I don’t wanna let you go, Y/N.”

“Who says you have to?” you ask, looking up at him with a smile. “You don’t have to, you know.”

“Good,” Xavier says, running a finger down your cheek. “Because I really don’t want to.”

“Thank you so much for making my first time so special,” you say as you kiss his cheek. “I’m really glad that this happened, Xavier. I mean it, and I’m sorry I was so cold before. You were such a gentleman, and I’m sorry I ever doubted that.”

“It’s okay,” Xavier says. “It’ll get better after the first time. It’s never the most pleasant, but it’s smooth sailing after that. So I’ve heard.”

“I thought it went well enough,” you say as you gaze up at him. “But I can’t wait to do it again.”

“We have all summer, babe,” Xavier says joyously. “Beyond that, too!”

You chuckle, rolling him onto his back as you kiss him hungrily. For the first time since arriving at Camp Redwood, you found yourself excited for the remainder of the summer. While the two of you had sex again--this time far more satisfactory than last--you couldn’t help but feel happy for everything ahead.

______________

Taglist!

@littledemondani, @wroteclassicaly, @leatherduncan @melodylangdon, @lovelylangdonx, @confettucini, @littlegirlsdontplaynice, @dark-mei-rose, @langdonsdad, @blakewaterxx, @xhoneyxbeex, @babyyyodas, @frenchlangdon, @guiltyfiend, @whatcodysaid, @codyfernmorelikedaddyfern, @with-dandelions-in-her-hands, @langdonshellion

#this isn't my best but oh whaleee #xavier plympton #xavier plympton x reader #xavier plympton imagine #xavier plympton smut #xavier plympton one shot #american horror story

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sunflovverharry · 4 years

Text

Allegiance - Fakedating!Harry

Finally decided to make a new tumblr for my writing as I’ve been wanting to start posting forever ago, but my former blog was marked explicit for no reason!! BUT here I am, shitting bricks that I’m actually posting my work.. Let me present to you; Fakedating!Harry

word count: 4.4k warnings: language, drinking, angst, fluff summary: harry and y/n go through the ups and downs of their slowly changing relationship pairing: harry x reader

!!!!! it’s my first time releasing anything I’ve ever written and i’m shitting my pants. this was so fun to write and I hope you enjoy it! please reblog, like or tell me what you liked about it, i’ll greatly appreciate it🥺 i have a series i’m working on atm that’ll be out soon (hopefully), along with multiple one-shots so look out for that if you enjoyed this piece (the series is fwb!harry if that’ll help you want to read it hahah). enjoy my first one-shot of fakedating!harry (might put out a part 2 to this sometime but don’t take my word for it)

It wasn’t the first family gathering I had to come with him to. Not even the tenth. No, it was probably more like the fiftieth I couldn’t say no to coming to during the last two tears. Two years of playing his loving and devoting girlfriend. His family and friends have known us as the perfect couple since he first introduced me a warm july evening two years ago. Apart from it being a fake relationship, it seems pretty fucking real to the outside world. Maybe we’re just that great actors.

July 19th 2018

Harry took a hold of my hand as we walked through the luxurious modern home in the outskirts of London. It is the first time I’ve stepped foot in this house - eager to catch every little detail as I slowly walked beside Harry. It was gorgeous and I hoped to get a tour sometime. Not that I even know if I’ll ever come back here after tonight. It might be a one-night thing for all I know, only agreeing to come with Harry because I literally could not find an excuse to save my life.

Being at a function where you know next to nobody except your supposed boyfriend is terrifying, but at the same time I had to hide my nerves in case anyone caught on.

Our family has never had any big parties or get-togethers except for weddings - which there weren’t many of. Most of my cousins decided they were off fine without a marriage certificate to validate their relationships. I supported them in their decision, but ultimately I want to marry the one I one day want to spend the rest of my life with. Not having the best relationship reputation it’ll probably be a while until a wedding where I’m the bride takes place.

The large double french doors leading out to the expansive garden were open for guests to go in and out of the house and to the garden where mostly everyone were mingling when we arrived. The engagement celebration of Harry’s sister and her fiancée was in full swing and it looked as if we were the last ones missing. That made it all the more terrifying. How on earth are we going to keep up the façade of us being in a relationship all night?

We’d talked about details on the way here deciding to go with our friends setting us up on a blind date a few months back. It isn’t far from the truth, but we were definitely not on a date. We had to accompany our best mates who were on a date, but for the most part we ignored each other only letting the talk and get to know each other. The worst thing is, it wasn’t even worth it as they literally shagged and didn’t see each other again.

As to how we’re now here together - I accidentally walked into him and spilt my tea all over his fancy suit clinging to his body. Cliché, I know. To repay him for the spill, he asked me to be his pretend girlfriend and like I said I suck at excuses so here we are about to be introduced to his whole family it seems. Way to take away the attention from the happy couple.

«Mum.» Harry’s hand slipped from mine as we closed up on the group to the left. I didn’t want to interrupt a reunion between Harry and his mum so I kept my stance a few feet behind him and waited for Harry to take the lead as he hugged his mum saying a quick hello to the rest of the people standing in the small circle.

«Y/n, mum. Mum, y/n.» Harry stepped to the side so I could take the short steps forward to greet his mother. It was the first time I was meeting a guy of any sort parents and I’m sure I was shaking as she pulled me in for a hug. It was warm and welcoming as she whispered in my ear.

«It’s so lovely to meet you finally, y/n.» I smiled at her as we parted. She kept her hands on my upper arms taking me in with her moving eyes. «Harry hasn’t told us anything or answered a single question about you, but now I can ask you myself!» She cheered as Harry groaned in the background. How was this lovely lady basically getting pulled into a trap by her 26 year old son?

The next few greetings went above and beyond my expectations. With knowing how insensitive and closed off Harry, I had imagined his family was the same - which looking back was unkind of me as his family are the complete opposite. Being here accompanied by his loved ones also showed me that maybe Harry isn’t as hard as he comes off as, he just doesn’t like to open up to the wrong people. I can tolerate and understand that, but he hasn’t exactly made an effort to get to know me, so I wouldn’t say he has a right to be heartless towards me. Not after I’ve done him a massive favor.

«How long have you been together then?» Harry had gone to talk to his future brother-in-law and sister and I was left seated with some family friends of theirs. I didn’t mind one bit spending time with other people than Harry. It was freeing not having to pretend and have his hand caressing my thigh and asking if I wanted anything from the bar. Sure, I would have reveled in it if we were anything close to friends or even lovers, but just knowing it’s him makes me want to shake him off.

«It’ll be six months on the 27th. We had our second date on his birthday actually and he didn’t even tell me! Can you believe that?» I asked incredulously. It wasn’t true, we hadn’t even met up on his birthday nevertheless been on a fucking date.

We sat in comfortable conversation for a couple minutes talking about Harry and me before he came back sliding his arm over the back of my chair. His fingertips trailed up and down my arm as he quickly got back into the conversation.

It felt oddly normal when we were conversing about day-to-day subject and talking about solely ourselves, but then I’m brought right back into the plain lie about our relationship.

July 2nd 2020

This time it wasn’t an engagement party though, it was a celebration of Marie and Jack having been married for 30 years. It’s a huge accomplishment and compared to every other gathering, I’m happy to be here. Though the fake relationship between Harry and I hasn’t been the best, we’ve certainly tried our best and his family still seem to believe it.

We’ve had our ups and downs in private, but always been on our best behavior out with his family - holding hands, laying my head on his shoulder, him kissing my temple and squeezing my waist. It didn’t happen all too often, thank god, but we’d shared the odd kiss or two at times where it deemed right to do so. I’m not sure I could bear getting a taste of his lips more than I had to. At his sister's wedding last summer when we were slow dancing somewhere in the midst of all his family and their friends we slowly leaned in - whether in the heat of the moment or because it seemed we had to i’m still not sure. Either way, it was a nice kiss shared between us when we were both drunk off of champagne and the love we felt around us.

Since, there’s been a few pecks here and there, but mostly keeping to placing our lips on the others cheek, forehead or hand. I do think Harry’s opened up, though only slightly, it still warmed my heart. We’ve had quite a few enjoyable chats whilst driving home or sitting in a corner of the garden we’ve spent most our time in at his parents home. I still don’t know where he lives, him picking me up and only going to wherever the dinner or party would be held.

We haven’t discussed how much longer we’re keeping the lie going about us, but it was starting to gnaw at me knowing we would probably part ways in not too long and never meet again. He had become a part of my life I’m not sure I want to lose. The beginning was horrible and we didn’t get along in private, but after that kiss at the wedding something turned in the both of us (I hope).

Up until recently we’ve been really fucking lucky to have avoided all questions about moving in together and a possible ring on my finger. Weeks ago when we had dinner with his parents the questions surely weren’t held away though. Babies, apartments, rings and everything of the sort were brought up. It was heavy subject for two people who barely could stand each other a year ago and by the end of the dinner I was more than ready to put an end to this extremely complicated lie. It’s turned into much more than the one party I agreed to the first time he asked me.

We had a nice chat about how we were excited to see his nieces again in the car, giggling about our memories with them these last two years. It was nice being so open and comfortable with him not having to worry about him being angry or quiet. He talked back and laughed with me and even told me a couple stories from before I was in their life. I’ll miss them and the rest of his family when we inevitably end us.

Marie greeted us just like she does every time we come by, for dinner, a party or game night I just couldn’t refuse to join in on - with a kind smile grazing her lips and the same welcoming hug she’d given me the first time we met and ever since. It was really something I was looking forward to when I knew I’d be seeing her.

«Harry, y/n! You look fabulous, did you force him to match his tie to your dress?» Marie squinted her eyes at me in a ‘I know he’d never do it if he wasn’t forced to’ look. And of course, she knew her son way better than I did and only laughed with her as I told her yes, indeed I even had to put it on him myself. Which was the truth for once.

«Hopefully we’ll be throwing you some kind of celebration sometime soon, yeah? Engagement, pregnancy?» She hinted at the subjects we tried our very best to steer away from at all times as we followed her back to the garden I was falling more and more in love with. For the most part we’d been able to laugh our way out of it.

Harry laughed as he took two glasses of champagne from a server for the both of us to sip. It would definitely clear any pregnancy rumours which I’m sure there were swirling around between his family members. This family does not like to take their time with anything, saying life is too short to fool around. I’m sure they’re concerned and suspicious of why we’re taking things slow not even living together when his sisters all got engaged or married within the two first years, but they’ll be let in on our secret soon enough I hope.

In one way I’d love for this all to be over and continue to live my life as I did before Harry - but to be honest I’m not quite sure how I’ll ever go back to that. Life with Harry sure has its pros and I would enjoy it as long as it lasted. Especially the expensive champagne they always seemed to have at every function.

A couple hours or so later the speeches were in full swing. I knew Harry wasn’t doing one as I’m sure everyone would think he’d propose to me at the end of it, so he decided to forget about it. After his sisters had said some lines each, Marie and Jack stood up at the head table right next to us. They looked as in love now as they did two years ago and it was incredible witnessing how the spark between them never seemed to die. I can only wish to have a marriage as wonderful.

«You want more to drink? Can have mine if you want.» Harry offered quietly before Jack asked everyone about how gorgeous his wife looks tonight. He truly adores her and it shows in every way he acts and speaks to her.

«Yes, please. Thank you.» I grabbed the glass of some sort of concoction from his much larger hand. Smiling up at him, I sipped the drink from the straw feeling his hand squeeze my waist to pull me closer though I’m not sure how much closer I could get unless I sat on his lap. We’d been touching each other considerably more than usual during the night. It felt good and with how friendly we’ve been lately I almost wanted more, just like how I’ve been wanting for the last couple months. More touching my thigh, more squeezing my waist, more kisses on my temple, more brushing my hair away from my face. He was addicting, inexplicably so.

Harry put his lips to my cheek as we listened to his parents speak about how their love was at an all time high, even after thirty years of marriage, four children and a couple of granddaughters to show for it. The softness to their voices as they spoke passionate, kind, loving words to each other was absolutely remarkable. It brought my deepest feelings out and I couldn’t help but shed a tear or two. I hadn’t noticed they were falling before I felt Harry’s thumb whisking them away and pulling my head to rest on his shoulder, another kiss planted on my forehead this time.

I savored the moment, the love I felt all too much for me while thinking about how this would be over far too soon for my liking. His family were growing on me. Harry was growing on me. I enjoyed his company, when he would open up without me asking or begging to know a small detail that probably didn’t matter to him as much as it did to me. He had become a huge part of my everyday life by now, texting him on days we weren’t meeting up.

I firmly remember the first day we hung out just us two. It was a Tuesday evening and we had gone out to eat - really only to grab a photo we could give to his parents who had been begging for one. This was around halloween last year, so we were on solid grounds by then.

At first it was awkward as hell, neither knowing what to say or how to start the conversation, but after we had ordered we soon got into conversation and we didn’t stop until we’d been sat there for three hours. It still baffles my mind how nice that dinner was and how I didn’t ever think ‘can this be over soon?’. Thinking back, I think that’s the exact moment I realized I might’ve grown feelings for the man.

The night had gone by in a blink of the eye, suddenly it was nearing midnight and we had just said goodbye and were making our way to his car. Sitting down and watching the house as Harry reversed out of the parking spot, I thought about what a lovely night it’s been. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed myself and this one party will forever be the reason I won’t ever regret fake dating Harry Styles. His mum made it all worth it when he didn’t.

«Would you like to come to mine for a drink before heading home? It’s still quite early for a Saturday, innit?» Harry didn’t come off as nervous or scared to ask me to join him at his place before sending me home. There was no way I could deny his request as I’d finally get to see the flat he resides in and I’ve imagined for two years.

It only took us around ten minutes to get to his flat, shocked to see that it isn’t as far from mine as I thought. He’s got enough money to live in a nicer area, but this definitely has charm to it and maybe that’s why he wants to live here.

The flat itself was victorian but with a modern upgrade. A luxurious kitchen with all the appliances one could need, a lovely island serving as his dining table that led into the living room. I wanted to jump onto the couch and lay there for eternity by only looking at how soft and comfortable it seems. The rather large L-shaped couch took up most of the room, but he’d made sure to have enough space for tall, wide bookshelves filled with anything but books behind it.

Don’t get me started on the dark wood flooring that looked as original as it could get. They brought character to the flat and blended the old victorian feel in nicely with the more modern look of the walls and kitchen. I’d love to have a place like this someday.

«You can sit down and I’ll grab a bottle of wine, sound alright?» Harry hung his suit jacket that he hadn’t worn at all on one of the chairs lined by the island counter. He moved into the corner of the kitchen where I couldn’t see him any longer as I stepped off my shoes before tiptoeing to the couch falling down into it. I was right about it being soft and comfortable. It was as if I was being lulled to sleep all I needed was a light blanket tucking me in and I’d be set for a good night's sleep.

Harry chuckled when he came out from the kitchen, a bottle of red in one hand and two glasses in the other, to see me cuddling into his couch. I don’t know what he does in his free time or if he usually has girls around his flat and this is a normal view for him, but right now I didn’t care. He was giving me wine and a comfy place to sit which honestly is enough for now. I don’t want to scare him away by talking about my feelings for him past midnight, half drunk after all the drinks I’d already had tonight.

Chatting to Harry was a breeze. We giggled before getting serious and then struggling to breath as we laughed harder than ever before. It felt light and good, like we were the best of friends and for a moment I thought I could live with that. As long as I got to continue having moments like these with him, I could deal with only being friends. Then I had another glass of wine and decided that I couldn’t bear him not knowing how I feel for one more second.

«Harry.. we can’t keep doing this. It’s not fair to the people involved, and it’s absolutely not fair to us.» My eyes were watching my finger trailing the pattern of one of his pillows I was holding in my lap. There was no foreshadowing to tell Harry that I would bring this up and I could tell he wasn’t ready for it by the sharp intake of breath that could be heard from him.

«I’ve thought about it recently and obviously we both knew this couldn’t last forever. I’ve grown a lot the past two years and I know what I want now. A fake relationship isn’t it, no matter how much I adore your family.» I could feel my throat burning as I tried to keep my tears at bay. The last thing I wanted to sit in front of him crying my eyes out. Still not daring to let my eyes reach his, I closed my eyes as I continued talking.

«The first year was awful. You weren’t nice to me and after doing you a huge fucking favour, which I still don’t know why you needed a fake girlfriend, you were still treating me just like how you did the first time we met. Then after your sisters wedding, it started getting better and by winter we were good friends. Something shifted in us, in me at least that night and I can’t overlook it anymore. It’s fine if this is it for us, ‘cause I can’t lie to your family anymore, but I need you to know one thing before I leave.» It felt so good telling him how I’d felt for so long, only one last thing to tell him.

Pushing myself to look up at him, I took a deep breath and opened my eyes. I couldn’t hold back the tears. He looked so vulnerable though he wasn’t the one holding his breath with a heavy heart trying to tell someone they have stronger feelings for them than might be reciprocated. He looked worried seeing me cry, but didn’t do anything knowing I didn’t want a hand to hold or a hug at this moment.

«I realized tonight that the night we first went out for dinner to take that picture for your parents was also the first time I understood my feelings towards you. It’s fucking insane that even after a year of basically hating your company, three months of us being friends was all it took for me to get feelings for you. I don’t want a fake relationship and I don’t want to be just your friend. I’m not going to say I’m sorry if this ruins things completely between us because I’m finally being true to myself and to you.»

Harry looked as if someone had just punched him in the face. His mouth was hanging open, jaw slack, eyes wide filled with curiosity. I had never let myself take in his gorgeous face completely. It’d only do me more pain than pleasure. Now though, I’m taking in every single detail I can before he either tells me to please leave or throw me out.

I removed my eyes from his face when his phone made a noise telling him someone sent a text message. It being close to one thirty in the morning made me incredibly curious as to who could be texting him now.

He apparently took his time to read it instead of responding to me as it was dead silent for another minute or so. Maybe he was replying or it was a really long fucking text.

Letting out a long sigh he dropped his phone back down on the table. It seemed he wasn’t quite sure what to do or say with how he dragged his hands over his face before standing up only to sit back down again five seconds later.

«Mum wants you to know that she loves you and thanks you for being with me, not just today but in general. This is how it’s been for the last two years for me, y/n. My family adores the shit out of you and I get at least two texts a day from mum asking how you’re doing and when she’ll see you next. It’s always y/n this and y/n that. You’ve invaded everyone’s minds and they’re obsessed with you.» Though it was nice hearing how much of an impact I’ve made, it almost made me more sad than happy. A couple more tears fell as I listened to him go on.

«The first year I tried so fucking hard to make you want to end it. Every time I asked you to come with me I hoped you’d say no and end it just so I could get you out of my head. You invaded my mind just like you did everyone elses and I couldn’t fucking bear it knowing we weren’t a real couple. After that kiss at the wedding I couldn’t keep my act together. It was excruciating being mean to you so I tried being your friend. I still to this day don’t know which was worse, being closed off or close to you.» Harry took one last breath before moving slightly so that he could reach over to hold my hands in his. This isn’t what I had expected and I still don’t want to get my hopes up.

«I want what my sisters have, what my parents have. I’ve wanted that so badly that I began thinking it wouldn’t happen as I’m 28 and still haven’t had one long-lasting relationship. I’d started to believe that it wasn’t in the cards for me - having a wife and a family. Then you came around and I these two years have showed me how fucking perfect you are and how you deserve so much better than me. But I’m a selfish man and I want you, y/n. Want you so much.» Not being able to keep away longer, I swiftly closed the gap between us, slotting my lips with his as I moved to straddle his waist.

It felt unbelievably good to kiss him like this, passion and lust clear as day as our tongues met for the first time. He wants me. I couldn’t stop saying the three words in my head as I let go to catch my breath. How in the world could I be so lucky to be wanted by the man I want?

I laughed as I wiped at my cheeks, removing the tear stains as well as I could without a wet washcloth to clean them off. Harry guided his lips from my jaw up to my cheek ending with a kiss to my shut eyelid. I had never experienced Harry being this soft and attentive, but it was all the more to look forward to.

«Maybe we can turn the fake relationship into a real one and not tell my whole family about it?» There was a cheeky smile playing on his lips as I let out another laugh. If this is what I have to look forward to - jokes, laugher and passionate kisses possibly leading to something more - then I couldn’t wait.

«Of course, Harry. And tell your mum I love her back and give her my number, will you? I’m still looking for a tour of their house after two years of you not giving me one.»

#harry styles fic #harry styles imagine #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles #harry styles fluff #harry styles angst #harry styles fanfic #harry styles fiction #harry styles writing #allegiance

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lovemesomesurveys · 3 years

Text

[-infatuatedgirl]

Hey, what’s your name? Stephanie.

How old were you when you got your first cell phone? Weren’t you just tingling with excitement? I was 16. I wouldn’t say that, but it was cool. I’m old, so it wasn’t a smartphone yet.

Do you ever read the results of the surveys you make? I don’t make surveys.

How many belts do you own? Zero.

If you had to live with one pair of shoes, what would they be? My Adidas.

Do you believe in love at first sight? No.

How about forevers? It happens.

What’s your comfort food? Lately, it’s actually been ice cream, which is weird cause I wasn’t ever a big ice cream person before.

What do you use your cell phone for, aside texting and calls? Ha, I hardly use it for those reasons. I use it for the apps more than anything.

Are there any picture frames in the room you are in? Yes.

Did you ever ride a limo? Yeah, several times. My dad used to work for a limo company when I was a kid, it was cool.

Do you use a lot of hair products? Not at all, just shampoo and detangler.

Creepiest movie ever? Hmm. Not sure which movie I’d give that title to.

Do you ever wonder what your life looks like to someone else’s eyes? Gah, I don’t want to know.

Have you ever walked into a crowded room and felt so alone? I do often feel alone even though I’m rarely completely by myself.

What’s your current status in facebook/myspace? I shared some random meme thing earlier. I like never post actual statuses anymore, I just share stuff now and then.

What was your dream job as a child? I wanted to be a teacher.

Is it still the same? No.

Did you ever stay up all night? Fun, right? As a kid? Yeah. Especially when my cousins slept over. We’d try to stay up with junk food and soda and watch movies, play games, etc and see who could stay up the latest. Ever took a Bzoinkoid? I don’t know what that is.

Do you like cracking your knuckles? Sometimes it just needs to be done.

What color’s your car? I don’t have a car, I don’t drive.

If you don’t have one, what color would you like it to be? I’m not sure.

Did you ever do something you promised yourself not to? Didn’t it feel good? I have and some of the things did and some I regretted.

What’s the ‘craziest’ color you dyed your hair? Red was my first bold color I did.

What’s your definition of fearless? Having no fear? ha.

Don’t you get a bit happy when you take an iPod shuffle survey and the song fits perfectly? I don’t like those type of surveys, actually.

Do you like paranormal stuff?(shows,movies,books,etc) Nah.

Do you believe in those? No.

What’s the weirdest compliment you ever received? Did you even take it as a compliment? “You’re pretty for having polio.” I’ll never forget some random woman coming up and saying that to me. Like what does that even mean? I don’t have polio and I don’t know why she assumed I did apart from the fact I’m in a wheelchair? Also, does that imply people with polio aren’t usually attractive according to them?

Do you have a favorite stuff toy? What’s it’s name? My shitload of stuffed animal giraffes. What’s the most exciting project you were given? Hmm.

Are you familiar with Polyvore? If so, do you have an account? No.

Did you accomplish your New Years Resolutions last year? I stopped making those several years ago.

What are you passionate about? Nothing. :/

Without passion we’d truly be dead. Fact or fiction? I haven’t felt passionate about something in a long time and it does feel like I’m really missing something. Like, I think you should have something you’re passionate about, it’s fulfilling.

Are you guilty of internet slang? I use the ones like, “omg”, “wtf”, and “lol”, but otherwise I’m very much about being grammatically correct.

Would you rather be hurt physically or emotionally? I would rather just not be hurt at all - how about that?! <<< Right, like wtf.

Were you ever truly and completely happy with yourself? No.

Is your life balanced right now? No.

Did you ever roll down a ramp or hill? Countless ramps as someone in a wheelchair.

If you can’t be with the one you love, will you be with the one who loves you? I don’t want to just settle.

What’s your favorite scent? I have a lot.

Are/were you forced to believe something you don’t? When I was a kid both sets of grandparents tried pushing their religious beliefs on me.

Are you very dependent on people? I’ve had to be very dependent the past couple months now due to health setbacks.

Do you let small things ruin your day? Ugh, I do let stuff like that get to me way too much and too easily these days. Like every little thing.

Do you over-analyze things? Yepppp.

Did you ever wonder what life would be in a stranded island? It would be depressing and lonely. Also, probably terrifying. <<< Yeah, not something I’d want to experience that’s for sure.

Do you have a good sense of direction? Nooo. I’m the worst.

What’s your opinion on Kesha? I liked some of her songs.

Are you excited for what the future holds for you? I’m scared of what the future holds for me to be honest.

Are you more of a listener or a talker? I’m definitely more of a listener than a talker.

Indoorsy or outdorsy? Indoorsy for sure.

Name something that you think is overrated. Bacon and sushi. It seems like literally everyone loves both and I don’t get it.

How about underrated? Hmm.

What’s one question you HATE being asked? Hmm.

Is it personal or it just bugs you? --

Do you own any comic books? Nope.

Or you’re more of an anime/manga person? I’m not into those either.

Do you have any weird phobias? If so, what? Ugh, I don’t even want to type the words but the fear of holes and clusters lsjlskfklsdjflkdsjfdlsk

Were you ever obsessed with something then realized how lame it really was? Twilight. :X

If you had a time machine would you visit the past or future? The past.

Or is the present too good for you? No, definitely not. What would you change in that time zone? In the past? I’d change some things that would make it so I wasn’t dealing with some of the health stuff I’m going through now. Some of it could have been so easily avoided and managed, but I was stubborn, irresponsible, and negligent.

What’s the title of the first survey you created? I’ve only made one survey, many years ago, and I don’t think I titled it.

What color is your iPod/mp3? I have a black iPod Touch, but it’s been stored away and unused since 2012. I use Spotify on my phone for music, which is gold.

Do you think you could live without music? I’ve hardly listened to music at all this year so far and I’m still alive.

Describe your favorite top. I love all my graphic tees.

Do you change your style frequently? No. Especially not now. I just live in leggings and graphic tees.

Are you a tshirt-and-jeans kind of person? No, I’m a leggings and graphic tees kind of person.

What’s the most traumatizing event that ever happened to you? The one that made me a paraplegic.

Do you own a diary/journal? This is it.

Do you write there often? I definitely do.

Don’t you hate it when there’s nothing good showing on TV? I got into this routine the past few months and have my lineup of shows.

Insert your favorite smiley here: :)

How many live concerts have you been to? Like 6 or 7.

Did you keep the tickets as a souvenir? Yeah.

Tinypic or Photobucket? Aw, the days of Tinypic and Photobucket. I’m sad because I have a shit ton of photos saved on Photobucket and I can’t access my account. D: Like, I’m talkin’ photos from Myspace days.

Tumblr or Xanga? Well, it’s just Tumblr now... <<< I really do like Tumblr, but I also miss Xanga. The survey community was huge.

What do you do when you’re really nervous? Fidget, squirm, pick at my nails, bite/pick my lips, mess with my hair, twiddle with my hands, jump to worst case scenarios...

Do you have a bad habit you just can’t break? Picking at my lips, nails, and skin. :/

Would you say you’re down to earth? I think so.

What’s the first thing you see when you look at yourself in the mirror? I really try to avoid that as much as possible cause I hate what I see.

Do you find peace in being alone? I haven’t felt peace in a very long time.

Summer holds such wonderful things. Fact or fiction? Fiction. I could just skip right on by it to be honest.

Ah,summer (: What’s your favorite thing about it? The only thing I like is if I’m able to go to the beach. If I had a beach house with private beach access and didn’t feel miserable for months, then I wouldn’t mind summertime.

Are you faint to the sight of blood? Just the mention of it makes me feel weak.

What’s something you’ve grown used to? I feel like this is how it’s always going to be... :/

What’s your favorite dessert? Lately, I’ve been really into ice cream. I was not a big ice cream person before, like until recently it had been a few years since I had any at all. Suddenly, I’m all about it. *shrug*

Do you like spicy food? I loved spicy food, but I can’t have it anymore. :(

Are you easily bored? I didn’t used to be. I think my boredom is actually the depression, though.

Do you wish for the same thing at 11:11? Or does it change depending on how things are going in your life? I don’t do that.

Do you even wish at 11:11? Nope.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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heatherjeff · 3 years

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2020 Book List

It has been ages since I have written and, like everyone else, there seems to be a bit more unstructured time in my everyday life. It makes perfect sense the impetus for a return to blogging is books, reading is fundamental!

My friend, KDaddy, annually shares the list of books he’s read. The first time I noticed his list I was thrilled, took notes, commented on how happy I was, and proceeded to read many of his recommendations. When it became clear 2020 was going to be a little different books became an even bigger part of my days as well as an escape from the grind of the news and the pandemic.

When KDaddy tagged me with his book list this year, it occurred to me I have a little platform where I can post my own year in review. Books are the best and reading has served me well my whole life, 2020 was no exception.

First, a few facts. This year I read 35 books, for comparison I read 24 in 2019. That makes me happy especially since there are not a million things about 2020 to invoke a sense of accomplishment. I have long kept a book journal since my title and author memory is similar to a sieve. At the start of the pandemic everyone in my house was gifted a kindle, I was not a fan of the plan, paper books are my love language. As this time has worn on, the kindle has proven to be a brilliant and magical purchase. Libby is a completely modern wonder and the next time I am in NYC I will, for sure, treat myself to a library card from that library system.

With no further ado let’s talk books.

Definitely Read:

The Nightingale: A Novel by Kristin Hannah

Two sisters reacted to the unfolding atrocities of WWII in very different ways. Both were fierce, suffered in ways unimaginable to most of us, and illustrated the many ways women are impacted by a war. Such a powerful read.

The Home for Unwanted Girls by Joanna Goodman

Great read based on a true story about a teenager who became pregnant. Her family forced her to give up her baby and it was placed in a mental institution for the sole reason the child was an “orphan”. Many more plot twists follow, this was a gem of a book.

Women in Sunlight: A Novel by Frances Mayes

This book kicked off as total cliche and morphed into complete life goals. Three older women, all single for a variety of reasons, strike up a friendship and move to a Tuscan Villa. I want to be them someday in Italy living with the locals.

The Boy Who Harnessed the Wind by William Kamkwamba and Bryan Mealer

YA This came highly recommended from my youngest. It opened his eyes to the world in a huge way and he was very committed to sharing this story with all of us. William is a complete force of nature and against (truly) all odds changes the trajectory or his family, his village, and his life with ingenuity and desire. Love this book so much.

Little Fire’s Everywhere: A Novel by Celeste Ng

Heard so much about this book and completely loved it all. So. Many. Plot. Twists.

Dear Martin by Nic Stone

YA read from my kid, a MUST read. This book was chilling on a 1,000 different levels. Race, police profiling, education, culture- Nic Stone packed it all in and it opened my heart and sparked some good conversations in our home.

Girl, Woman, Other: A Novel by Bernardine Evaristo

This thoughtfully constructed book was a gift from another reader friend and is one of my favorite reads of the year. It shares multiple first person layered viewpoints from British women who span every part of society. Great read.

Dutch House by Ann Patchett

Let’s be clear, I love Ann Patchett. Love. Whenever she authors a new novel I am jazzed and the Dutch House is no exception. The house becomes an actual character in the story and has everything to do with the brokenness of family who moves into it.

Shoe Dog: A Memoir by the Creator of Nike by Phil Knight

Unpopular opinion, I am not a fan of Nike. I am a tremendous fan of Phil Knight’s innovation and hustle. Phil is a visionary and expert storyteller.

The Tatowist of Auschwitz: A Novel by Heather Morris

The novel is based on interviews with Lale Sokolov, a Slovakian Jew who used his position of relative privilege to positively impact the lives of as many fellow prisoners as possible. I had to read this book fast since it impacted my sleep, which it should. Incredible read.

American Dirt: A Novel by Jeanine Cummins

Ooofff, this book is hard to read. I started and stopped because I could not sleep and opted to read it during daylight hours only. It is seriously terrifying in a million ways. It is about a family who has to flee from Alcopulcio to the United States due to extreme violence from the local and very well connected drug cartel. This book is a testament to the grit of illegal immigrants and an eye opening read about the terror they face.

Just Mercy: A Story of Justice and Redemption by Bryan Stevenson

True story of Bryan Stevenson’s quest to navigate the criminal justice system in the rural south where he aims to help the most disadvantaged in the system. Timely, eye opening, and full of action items we all need to help with for the betterment of our society.

City of Girls: A Novel by Elizabeth Gilbert

Books by Elizabeth Gilbert are some of my favorites and I was concerned when I started this book, it was a struggle. It came together and I ended up loving it. A story about NYC in the 1940’s centered around a girl/woman who is sent to live with her aunt at her playhouse full of showgirls. It was such an unrelatable read, it transported me to a time I have never really considered and it was a trip worth taking.

Totally Enjoyable:

True Colors by Kristen Hannah

Reads like YA fiction and I loved it. It’s about a ranch family, their horses, land, siblings, their live father and deceased mother. It is not deep and is a fun read.

In a Dark, Dark Wood by Ruth Ware

This book was intense, fun, & slightly scary. A “hen party” in a, literal glass house, becomes the scene of a murder.

The Queen of Hearts by Kimmery Martin

This is a fun read about two best friends who become doctors together and then the plot thickens. Can’t say more, it is complicated.

Freud’s Mistress by Karen Mack

This was my last library loan before the pandemic. It is a fascinating read based loosely on the dynamics of Freud’s family, drugs, affairs that feel a bit like incest, a huge male ego, this should not sound familiar in any way!

The Sun is Also a Star by Nicola Yoon

YA, loaner from my kid (which came to my nightstand highly recommended). This is a sweet, sweet love story of two teenagers who have very different backgrounds and lots of big feelings. The whole book takes place over the course of one day.

It All Comes Back to You by Beth Duke

This was a surprise hit and it sucked me in. The story is about a nurse in a retirement community who befriends a resident who lived a big life.

The Queen’s Fortune: A Novel of Desiree, Napoleon, and the Dynasty That Outlasted the Empire by Allison Pataki

I admit, I am a fan of royalty, it is so intriguing and this book was completely spellbinding. The story is based on Napoleon's France and it was messy.

The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot

NF This book is amazing. A poor black woman has cancer cells removed from her body, these rapidly reproducing cells become known as HeLa cells and change the trajectory of modern medicine. There are so many consequences from this seemiling small discovery and the impact to the medical world and to Henrietta’s family are far reaching.

The Woman in the Window: A Novel by A.J. Finn

Read this in one day at the beach, I was sucked into this story of Anna Fox and her salacious neighborhood drama.

The Last Romantics by Tara Conklin

I know I liked this book and made a note about the “pause” taken over the summer when the kids in the family basically ran wild. That’s all I’ve got.

Untamed by Glennon Doyle

There was a ton of hype around this book and it is well deserved. Glennon tells it like it is and, like it or not, she has a lot of points that hit. I read this on my kindle and think I would have liked reading the physical book more.

This is the Story of a Happy Marriage by Ann Patchett

Short stories from Ann Patchett? Yes, 100% yes. The story of her relationship with Lucy, of Truth and Beauty: A Friendship, was wonderful as was the explanation of her book store in Nashville.

After You: A Novel (Me Before You Trilogy) by Jojo Moyes

I have zero idea that Me Before You was a trilogy! It is a total candy read, you are not going to learn much about your soul or the universe, but it is fun and better than TV. And yes, I will read the third book in the trilogy because candy is good!

The Saturday Night Supper Club by Carla Laureano

Also a trilogy, another happy surprise. This book is fun, another candy read, and so appealing. When I was a kid I wanted to have a restaurant so this story made my heart happy. It is a bit too clean, a bit cliche, and an enjoyable read.

Daisy Jones & The Six: A Novel by Taylor Jenkins Reid

This novel will transport you to a land of sex, drugs, and rock and roll. I read this was loosely based on the story of Fleetwood Mac, true or false, this book captures a moment in history and reads a lot like a play and is completely enjoyable.

Everything I Never Told You by Celeste Ng

This is the book written before Little Fires Everywhere, similar deal- family strife/mystery, kind of riveting with lots of twists. Solid read.

Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: A Therapist, HER Therapist, and Our Lives Revealed by Lori Gottlieb

NF, look at a therapist who finds herself in need of therapy. It is kind of a russian doll type of read with layers, upon layers, hidden within each other.

With the Fire on High by Elizabeth Acevedo

YA, another loaner from my kid. Such a great book about a kid who wants to be a chef and express herself through her cooking. She is a teen mother living with her abuela, it is a heartwarming book and I love the main character’s spirit.

Sidenote: schools around here are closed for the duration yet students can reserve library books and go to the local library of your choice where their school librarians greet them, warmly, in the parking lot for a drive by pick-up. It is a wonderful and much appreciated service being offered to our kids.

Nine Perfect Strangers by Liane Moriarty

This book is ridiculous, it had a strong start, went sideways but was fun and overall enjoyable. The premise is nine people descend upon an exclusive health retreat. The woman who is in change morphs from motivating to overlord, obviously.

No Thank You:

13 Reasons Why by Jay Asher

YA read, loaner from my daughter. I did not like this one bit, it made sucide seem so glam. Glad I read it and am always happy when my kids share books with me and I will always hate stories of kids’ suffering.

There There: A Novel by Tommy Orange

This book was hard to follow, had too many characters, and there was a very dark thread that I did not enjoy.

The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood

This book hit me at the wrong time this year. The dystopian nature felt a little too close to home. I know it is a work for the ages but it was all ouch.

Wow, that felt good to reflect on and process. I have never really looked for threads in my own reading and knew a few things already but like seeing the balance of candy books and hard, timely topics. All in all I feel great about my 2020 reading list and hope there are titles that interest or resonate with you too. Here is to libraries reopening someday in the near future so we can browse the shelves with abandon.

#bybye2020 #don't call it a comeback #maybe a comeback

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camillesfm · 4 years

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。· . ˙ ⌈ alva bratt + cis female + she / her + the intangible concept ⌋ yo , have you meet that KOOK , camille 'cj' petersen , yet ? — no ? well , to give you a little heads up before you do , they’re a TWENTY year old , PRE-LAW STUDENT , and have been living in coston for TWENTY . since i’ve known them , they’ve reminded me of PALE PINK POINTE SHOES , CHAINS MADE OF WHITE CLOVERS , A PURPLE SKY JUST BEFORE SUNRISE , STEADY WAVES CRASHING AT LOW TIDE , AND SHATTERED & SCATTERED GLASS . usually they’re quite LEVELHEADED & THOUGHTFUL but just make sure you keep an eye out for them around town because i heard can be quite RETICENT & ALOOF as well so here’s hoping they aren’t the ones to undo this whole peace pact they have going on this summer . but just between you & me , i kinda hope it all falls apart . the rivalry keeps this whole boring town interesting . –– this is cj . . . let’s just . . . dive into this mess !

𝐁 𝐀 𝐂 𝐊 𝐆 𝐑 𝐎 𝐔 𝐍 𝐃 .

scarlett petersen is a name known statewide, as she’s the best corporate lawyer on the east coast, clever as the devil and twice as pretty with long blonde hair often pinned into a sleek ponytail. david petersen got his degree at vanderbilt university, moving on to get his phd at unc chapel hill where he could never quite shake that carolina blue. he’s been sitting chancellor for the past six years in tandem with a long term sports-medicine, neuroscience research project that studies the long term affects of brain damage in athletes in contact sports. they both hail from old money families, and long lines of success are continued in two people who hold appearance and accomplishment far above humility or even . . . . humanity lol. they’re good people, really . . . just not really the parenting type.

which is unfortunate! as. well into their marriage, they had twins, caleb, first, and camille, ten minutes later. bright eyed and blonde haired, the perfect petersen babies were angels in their infancy, and it was easy to parent them . . . especially when they were paying someone else to do it.

caleb and camille grew up under the watchful eye of a rosy-cheeked nanny. think julie andrews as nanny in eloise. they were happy, but lonely, though you’d never guess it by their wide smiles in cuddled family portrait christmas cards. for all anyone else knew, scarlett and david were perfect parents, raising two beautiful children who they loved more than anything . . . but behind that iron gated entryway to a house on the coast was another story.

they liked their kids, sure, but whether or not they loved them was another question entirely. camille, growing up to be the spitting image of scarlett, was liked in the way a rare porcelain artifact was. she was a beautiful thing to behold; seen, not spoken to. shown off, not interacted with in anyway. held with delicate hands and passed around as a humble brag: look at this precious thing i’ve brought into the world. i bet mine’s better than yours.

but as time passed, the novelty of having children seemed to wear off, and they were moving to the next big thing, the next big step in their careers. they weren’t around when camille began going by cj because it was easier for little voices to say. they weren’t around when blonde ringlets relaxed and grew darker. they weren’t around when she started to develop a personality of her own, interests of her own, talents of her own. christmas cards would go out, but rarely were they all together on christmas morning. thanksgivings were often spent with grandparents, as their parents worked through the holiday. they spent more and more time away from coston, leaving cj and caleb in nanny’s capable hands.

but life goes on, and sometimes it was easy to forget that it was abnormal not to have your parents around. as a youngin, cj was interested in everything. she took a liking to soccer and lacrosse, painting and drawing, piano and guitar . . . but somewhere in between a blue mat and pale pink pointe shoes, she found her thing.

it was obvious, from an early age, that cj was one hell of a dancer. disciplined and precise when she needed to be. creative and passionate when it called for it. gymnastics trained her strength, ballet trained her patience, contemporary pushed her limits with creativity, partner work taught her teamwork. dance was very clearly her best thing and her favorite thing.

her parents only ever attended recitals when it didn’t conflict with anything else on their schedules and when it was classical ballet. dance was a frivolous thing for them, but for cj it was everything. being a naturally shy kid, naturally timid in the shadow of her last name, she became a completely different person on stage who dominated a spotlight . . . without even needed a literal spotlight. ultimately, this is what she spent her life doing. monday through thursday evenings, dance. competitions and performances on the weekends. if neither were happening, you’d catch her teaching classes at coston’s local studio.

it’s what truly made her happy, but that wasn’t something her parents understood. caleb and nanny did, sure, but her parents? not one bit. someone would ask what she wanted to be when she grew up, and if dance was mentioned, she’d be cut off mid-sentence. they didn’t want to hear about it because it wasn’t logical. you can’t make a career out of it. it didn’t help much that her brother was the ideal child in that realm, charming and on a path to success in the medical field. they still had questionable motives, but they favored nonetheless.

sometimes it was a blessing; sometimes it was a curse. when she could slip under the radar, she was grateful, but it seemed that her parents had a keen eye for her screwups. any chance they had, they’d use to scold her or nudge her away from the pointe shoes.

so cj spent a lot of time being pristine in the way that was expected of her, never letting anyone know too much about her, only keeping a few friends close enough to really know her. she stayed out of trouble, kept up exceptional grades, smiled and nodded when necessary, and began catering to the idea that she’d go to law school, a fate pre-determined by her mother no doubt.

nowadays, she attends brown university, pre-law. she’s a picturesque ivy league gal with a dark academia aesthetic when at school, but there’s a restlessness lingering under the surface. even she’s doing what her parents require of her, she never seems to live up to their unrealistic expectations. we rly do be . . . . waiting for her to have a complete breakdown . . . . aklsdfjha

𝐏 𝐄 𝐑 𝐒 𝐎 𝐍 𝐀 𝐋 𝐈 𝐓 𝐘 .

miss camille . . . better known around town as cj . . . is, above all else, the picture of serenity. she’s levelheaded and calm, and patient as all get out which is probably why she’s so damned accustomed to just going with what her parents thought of her. she’s really great to have in a crisis because very few things cause that steady nature of hers to crumble, and because she’s honestly. . . quietly very maternal. putting the needs of others before her own comes naturally.

she’s quiet and shy, yes, but just because she doesn’t speak doesn’t mean she doesn’t listen. she listens and sees and is . . . quite observant. there’s a way about her that notices the little things, which makes her quite thoughtful when it comes to the people she loves. if you’re lucky enough to be close to her, you can bet she quietly takes notes of little habits and favorites and carefully uses them to idk love ya better ya feel??

reticent comes from the fact that she doesn’t often let people get close to her. the way her parents treated her and caleb growing up has taken. .. . a toll for sure because honestly she’s terrified of disappointing people by shattering the mirror of perfection and revealing too much about herself that’s unexpected

aloof comes from the way she’s calm and quiet . . . and how that sometimes translates as apathy . . . on top of that she’s very daydreamy like she is That Bitch who is staring out of the window producing a whole move in her head which sometimes causes her to not hear when people are talking to her . . . cue the ‘hm? what?’ tuning back in

when i say cj is a different person when she’s dancing . . . . i mean it. like i REALLY mean it. she’s confident and expressive. her choreography tests the limits of tradition. she pushes boundaries when it comes to the physicality of performances. like u rly look at her being quiet and to herself in the corner at a country club event and then see her performing like she invented contemporary and ur like . .. . are u SURE that’s the same girl

people who know her most know her as warm. when she opens up, getting past the shy, she can be a little goofy, definitely has avery creative way about her, wants to know that you’re okay and if you’re not, how can she help ya know!!

has a black cat named lucky because ya know . . . black cats are bad luck . . . ha ha ha ha . . . get it

the ‘j’ in cj is for her middle name . . . but no one really knows what her middle name is . . . except family and close, close friends

absolutely hates the energy of the pogue/kook rivalry and thinks violence is most cERTAINLY not the way to go

often times found by the shoreline at night, just a little ways off from the petersen estate because she likes the way the waves sound as they roll in. it helps her think

is trying to make the best of law school by studying to become a defense attorney and she likes it! sort of! really, she just wants to dance for as long as she can and ultimately open up her own studio

definitely believes in wishing stars

bad case of insomnia

has a finsta dedicated to lucky

has a dance insta too . . . . but that’s lowkey bc her parents can’t know about it

please for the love of god watch this because charity and cj have the same energy

this also has cj energy

so does this . . . classical is fun when it’s telling a story and she loves a good pas de deaux but otherwise meh

my girl is physically . .. QUITE strong

says sorry WAY too often

incessant need to prove herself, prove her worth, since her parents never seem to find it

loves caleb sfm but will thump him in the forehead for mentioning he’s older

overachiever . . . . yikes

ABSOLUTELY burns the candle at both ends

idk if y’all watched high school musical the musical the series but gina . . . . . .. minus the ‘mean girl’ plot they tried . . .. is v cj and bitch i hate to say it but neville longbottom??? also a cj mood LMAO

OK THAT’S IT THAT’S ALL THERE WE GO IT’S DONE I’M DONE GBYYYYYE BABIIIIE

#coston.intro #what the f kinda NONSENSE did i just write lmao

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aerinmelina · 4 years

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Growing up, I used to spend summers with my mom’s parents. They lived in a lakeside community which was also near an ocean, and I enjoyed fishing and swimming and boating and crabbing and such as a teenager.

Anyway. During the summer between my 6th and 7th grade years, my parents bought a house and decided to surprise me by having it all ready by the time I came home from my grandparents’ house at the end of the season. I remember walking into the house - I’d been there before, because it had previously been owned by friends of ours - and my mom said we were house-sitting when I asked her why we were here when our friends weren’t. She then led me from room to room and kept asking questions like, “Why do you think they put this in here?” and “Why do you think they painted this room pink?”

I wasn’t stupid. I know that Something Was Up. I just never imagined that my parents would have bought a house at all, let alone this one.

“Maybe they’re expecting a daughter?” I said. It wasn’t a baseless assumption; the couple who had owned the house previously were young and the wife had been pregnant.

“No, it’s because this is your room now!”

My thoughts at the time?

Pink. Oh my gosh. It’s pink. Whyyyyyyy.

Hang on. Is my mom letting me move in with this family? I mean. I’ll miss my dad and brother. But like. Why this family? I like them fine, but I don’t want to live with them.

(^^That is literally how far fetched I believed the idea of my parents owning a house was. They were terrible with money. The worst. And houses cost money. Lots of it.)

Anyway. My mom was offended that I was offended because my room was bright pink when, at the time, I was going through this tomboy phase and liked all things blue and black and she knew that and she painted my room anyway in her attempt to “girlify” me, which was not lost on me at all, and which I was equally annoyed with.

I digress. I had a new, pink bedroom in a new-to-us house. With a back yard. Which wasn’t next to a metal factory, so that meant my brother and I could actually play outside without like. Worrying about getting metal shavings imbedded in our feet. (Story for another day.)

Along with this move came a switch in middle schools. My parents fought hard to keep my brother in his elementary school, but they didn’t even ask to try and keep me in my middle school. I was 12. I would have to make brand new friends. I was pretty shy. I was not happy about this. At all.

I remember going to my new school to fill out enrollment forms and such. The school was literally 3 minutes away from our new house, just up the street; I would be walking to and from school every day, something which I was actually kind of looking forward to. If I could look forward to anything. I hated this. I didn’t ask to move. Our apartment had been just fine.

Anyway. Sitting in the main office at the new school, I was given a list of elective classes and was told to number them in order of my all-star favorite to please-don’t-put-me-in-this-class least favorite. The office staff told me that because I was enrolling so late, a lot of the classes had already filled up, but they would do their best to put me in the classes I wanted to take along with the standard courses that every student would be taking. I looked at the list. Choir :), Accelerated P.E. (wow that sounded like a nightmare), Art :), Metal Shop!!, Wood Shop!!, Drama (nah), Speech (Super Nope!!!), and a few others which I’ve forgotten by now.

My list went something like this:

Choir

Wood Shop

Art

Metal Shop

Accelerated P.E.

Drama

Speech

Speech was at the absolute bottom of my list. The office staff told me that the teacher for Drama and Speech was amazing, talked him up, and asked me why I didn’t want to take that class. I said I was shy and had a fear of public speaking. Duh. They kind of grimaced and looked at each other, then said, “We’ll do our best,” and sent my mom and I on our way back home.

I wasn’t surprised when I saw Speech on my class list a week or so later. I wouldn’t have it until second semester, thankfully, but I was already dreading it.

Seventh grade at this new school wound up being a lot of fun, if I’m being perfectly honest. I hated being the new kid at first, but made friends with another new kid who was way more outgoing than I was, and together we eventually made friends with more people. I have lots of stories to share there, but today I wanted to talk about Speech Class.

My speech teacher was, well… let’s call him Mr. Jones. He was outgoing, had clear expectations, was pretty mellow, and honestly? He was charismatic and the entire student body loved him.

I was a nervous wreck when I stepped into his classroom for the first time (and for most of the following times thereafter as well). For whatever reason, I had no problems singing solos in front of the whole school (and I did so twice that year), but the idea of public speaking was petrifying. And I even had lots of opportunities to practice that through both my church and school.

(I know I’m not alone in this sentiment.)

One of the first things Mr. Jones told us was that by the end of the semester, we would be able to deliver speeches and oral reports without using “filler words” such as “like”, “um”, and “er.” He also told us that our vocabulary would expand considerably, thanks to weekly tests he would be giving us (noooo). And we would be delivering speeches to one another on a weekly basis as well, on a variety of different subjects, and those speeches would increase in length as the semester drew on. All students were to compliment each presenting student on something they did well with each speech they gave, and critique would be solely left to Mr. Jones to provide. (Which was good, because let’s face it, 7th grade kids can be positively evil to each other.) Mr. Jones made it clear that we were not to judge or criticize anyone else’s speeches, and told us that he trusted us to keep each other’s speeches confidential. He explained that he wanted his classroom to be a safe place for us to talk about whatever we wanted; things we enjoyed, books we loved, problems we had, negative life experiences, positive life experiences, etc.

These were all very important factors which, honestly, influenced and changed my life for the better. I’ll get into that in a bit.

Mr. Jones’ class was tough. And I was terrified. I tried to drop his class, but was assured by the office that all of the other half-year elective classes were full; I didn’t have any other options. So I bit the bullet and decided to try my best. I would call no more attention to myself than I absolutely had to, I would try to not fail the vocabulary tests, and I would listen to others and provide sincere compliments. I would also - gulp - do my best at giving public speaking a shot.

I don’t exactly remember the method which Mr. Jones used in order to get us to stop using “filler words” in our speeches, but it worked. I don’t remember specific vocabulary words I was forced to memorize, but he was right; my understanding of the English language, and the number of words in my arsenal, greatly expanded. And I learned several important lessons:

Courage doesn’t mean that there’s an absence of fear. It means that you follow through with what you know is right, regardless of however much fear you are feeling.

Sometimes we are given tasks which we feel are way above our ability to manage. These are times when we must challenge ourselves to rise to the occasion.

(Going along with #2) You never know what you are capable of until you are put to the test. You’d be surprised at what you can personally accomplish.

Other people have different experiences than you; you can choose to listen and learn from their experiences, and you can 100000% do so without being a jerkface to them, too.

Teenagers are capable of respecting the people around them, are capable of empathy, and are capable of keeping confidentiality/maintaining bonds of trust. These are powers which teenagers do possess, and powers which they absolutely can control, utilize, and choose to exercise. (I was deeply impressed by my fellow classmates.)

One semester of a speech class didn’t cure my fear of public speaking. Not at all. But it did give me valid tools which I still use to this day. It gave me a lot of confidence in my capabilities to gather my thoughts on a piece of paper, organize them into a cohesive flow, and then be able to read those thoughts aloud without stumbling all over them. Mr. Jones laid the foundation for me to begin to think critically. To really consider my words before I write or say them. He drilled into my brain that I had a voice, and that it was a voice worth sharing and being listened to. Those are lessons I will never forget. And, because of Mr. Jones and everything I learned from him, I entered a career field which ultimately led to me speaking in public on a regular basis. I am a leader in my office. I provide training for our new and existing employees. I am aiming to become a manager within the next couple of years.

I’m still nervous when it comes to public speaking (especially during those times when I am speaking in a courtroom). I will probably always be nervous about it. I have been extremely close to vomiting from nerves in the past. But you know what? I’ve spoken before, I’ve survived, I’ve been successful at it, and I’ll do it again in the future. My confidence really started to blossom with my 7th grade speech class, where I received tons of practice, and that practice was further compounded by other speaking opportunities at school and church as well.

Mr. Jones was an excellent human being. He was well-loved for a million reasons. He believed in us, and we didn’t want to prove him wrong.

I believe in you, too. I say this, because I know that a lot of you need to hear it. I’m being sincere. I believe in you. You can do hard things. You can make it through.

#aerinm tells stories #my life #i wanted to share these thoughts in the hopes that they could help you #you are capable of more than you think you are #and you can be courageous #courage #bravery #i believe in you

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she-who-the-river-could-not-hold · 4 years

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50 Questions You’ve Never Been Asked

Tagged by @braveprincess, thank you!!

What is the colour of your hairbrush? white

Name a food you never eat? you won’t catch me near peas or Brussels sprouts (okay most green vegetables but I’m working on it)

Are you typically too warm or too cold? I’m constantly overheating I think I’ve been joking about being in menopause since early college

What were you doing 45 minutes ago? a quick grocery run to CVS

What is your favourite candy bar? Reeses (do those count?)

Have you ever been to a professional sports event? yeah quite a few! Primarily NBA and MLB, and then one LPGA golf tournament

What is the last thing you said out loud? “Bye, I’ll see you later!”

What is your favourite ice cream? don’t @ me, but vanilla bean

What was the last thing you had to drink? water

Do you like your wallet? omg yes my boyfriend got it for me, it’s the purple haunted mansion wallpaper 🥺🥺🥺

What was the last thing you ate? ham and cheese hot pockets because I just wanted comfort food for lunch today lol

Did you buy any new clothes last weekend? not last weekend but literally just bought more shorts for running today!

The last sporting event you watched? technically it was the digital Kentucky Derby one lolololol

What is your favourite flavour of popcorn? one of our favorite bars serves free popcorn while you drink and we always put parmesan and old bay on it OH MAN it’s so good and now I really really miss going there

Who is the last person you sent a text message to? my boyfriend

Ever go camping? I used to go all of the time growing up and when I’d go home for the summer in college! Now it’s just sporadically when I go home if it’s not the winter

Do you take vitamins? nah

Do you go to church every Sunday? nope

Do you have a tan? I used too ughhhhh quarantine hasn’t helped me lol

Do you prefer Chinese food or pizza? pizza pizza

Do you drink your soda with a straw? no???? though to be fair I almost never use a straw anymore unless it’s my apartment and just use my reusable ones

What colour socks do you usually wear? white or black

Do you ever drive above the speed limit? I used to drive only ever about five over! But I don’t have a car anymore

What terrifies you? e v e r y t h i n g (not being able to accomplish everything I want in life, not being able to find happiness outside of my own determined self-worth, the direction that politics is going in on both sides of the two main parties, not knowing what the new normal will be)

Look to your left, what do you see? my Nintendo Switch and my phone

What chore do you hate? dusting and cleaning my bathroom

What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? CRIKEY

What’s your favourite soda? Dr. Pepper or Mountain Dew Baja Blast

Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive-thrus? Normally try to eat inside! But drive-thrus if on a road trip since that’s normally when I get fast food nowadays

Who’s the last person you talked to? my boyfriend

Favourite cut of beef? I pretty much only eat beef in the form of hamburgers now! Anything else bothers my stomach/I’ve been trying to reduce my meat consumption

Last song you listened to? “Raspberry Beret” by Prince

Last book you read? The Wife Between Us by Greer Hendricks and Sarah Pekkanen

Favourite day of the week? Saturdays probably! or Fridays

Can you say the alphabet backwards? not even gonna try lol nope

How do you like your coffee? with a bit of half and half if I’m getting just normal coffee, I tend to get a lot of lattes and macchiatos

Favourite pair of shoes? my Doc Martens

The time you normally go to sleep? usually 11-11:3-pm

The time you normally get up? during the quarantine I’ve been getting up around 7ish

What do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? sunrise

How many blankets on your bed? two

Describe your kitchen plates: white, generic minimalist ones like the kind that sorta curve upwards like very flat bowls

Do you have a favourite alcoholic beverage? too many to count!! Margaritas (if my boyfriend made them) and then a whole slew of tiki cocktails

Do you play cards? only occasionally! I’m shockingly unlucky at them

What colour is your car? I don’t own one anymore! My old car was named “Moondust” because I was six when we got her and I decided that was the color of her so the name stuck around even once I got the car

Can you change a tire? heh... no

Favourite job you’ve ever had? I love currently being a graphic designer! Very fortunate to be able to do what I love.

How did you get your biggest scar? I don’t think I have any scars besides a few chicken pox ones?? I even got bit by horse and it didn’t scar lol

What did you do today that made someone else happy? I remembered to send in my request for a mail-in ballot which my boyfriend had been asking me to do! tbh that’s about it haha I haven’t done much today

Tagging: @the-proud-princess, @bellarkesgodson, @thewiitchergeralt, and @the-most-beautiful-broom!

#get to know me

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surveys-at-your-service · 4 years

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Survey #271

“some of those who work forces are the same that burn crosses.”

Do you cook on the stove at all, or just microwave? I just use the microwave. I'm scared of the stove lmao. Do you ever debate religion with your friends? Bruuuh no. I am so disinterested in debating about something that to me ultimately doesn't matter yet humanity has made so serious. Whatever happens after we die, happens, there's that. Just be a decent human being and go out knowing you did your best to make the world better than when you entered it. Do you keep your shampoo in the shower or someplace else? In the shower. Something your mother said or did that shocked you: Like... recently? Or in my entire life? I dunno about recently, but I guess the most shocking to me was when she vehemently called my sister something I won't repeat. Did your mom go to college? She was before the cancer. Ready to graduate, too, but that didn't go as planned thanks to, y'know, cancer. Which food do you think you have the most cans of in your cupboard? Good question, no clue. I don't really pay attention to the canned foods. Maybe fruits? Do you save fortunes from fortune cookies? No. Are you offended when Christmas is spelled Xmas? Nah. Where do you put your keys when you come home? In my purse. Describe your favorite mug or glass to drink from? I don't have one. That I use, anyway. Sara gave me a Markiplier quote one that's a Holy Item on my shelf and instead of holding a beverage holds All My Love. Your bad habit that you love the most: UGH I hate how much I love soda. Invent a pop tart flavor: STORY TIME!!!! As a kid, there was this contest to design a type and you won like... a fucking huge supply of the newest flavor, which was at the time that wild berry whatever thing. My sister and I made one that I think I recall being pink with heart sprinkles and strawberry flavored, and we won. Guess who fucking hates the wild berry flavor now lmao. Okay but anyway if I was to invent one now... is there a BLUE raspberry flavor? Cuz a bitch loves blue raspberry flavored everything. Do you name your pets after tv/movie/book characters: Sometimes. I don't currently have a pet that is, though. Are you proud of yourself for what you've accomplished? The few things I actually have, sure? I'm more ashamed of what I haven't. Do you own any sexy lingerie? Nooooo no one would want to see me in that, least of all myself lmao. Have you ever caught a bouquet of flowers at a wedding before? No. Has a horse ever neighed at you before? Uhhh I don't think so? Do you prefer ice cream or sorbet? Ice cream. Have you gotten your pets spayed? My cat is. That's like... the only pet we ever have fixed, sadly. My parents/Mom (depending on time period) could just never afford it. The only real reason we managed to get Roman neutered was because our sister directed us to a cheap on-the-go business where it was like... only $45, and Roman was marking the house badly so it was pretty urgent. Would you ever take in a stray animal? HA, that is the STORY of my family with cats. At this current time, most likely not. We don't need another pet right now, nevermind one of a mysterious background with my mom being sick. When is payday? N/A Have you ever walked on a runway before? No. How long is your workday? N/A Is there a walkway or a pathway to your front door? No. What is your favorite color? What is your least favorite color? Pink is superior to all colors. I'm really not a puke-green fan, but I mean... is anyone? What color dominates your wardrobe? Everything is B L A C K. What color are your eyes? Grayish blue. Are you colorblind, or do you know anyone who is? I'm not, but Jason's brother is colorblind to I think red and blue? Do you prefer color photos or black-and white? It greatly depends on the composition and subject matter of the photograph. I find great beauty in both. If I had to pick though, color usually appeals to me more. Are you one of those people who can taste, feel, or smell colors? No. Have you ever seen a double rainbow before? Yes. Do you enjoy coloring? It tends to be my least-favorite part of the art process because that's where I always fuck shit up. Do you know anyone who is racist? Oh my, PLENTY. Welcome to the South. Are your nails painted any color(s) right now? They never are. Can you lift more than 100lbs? I probably CAN, but it would be very hard. What's your opinion on incest? It's fucking repulsive. Morally and negative from a scientific standpoint, anyway. Do you have a favorite color for cats? Orange. What video games did you play when you were younger? I was a massive gamer as a kid, teenager too, so I could put a hell of a lot here. But, I'll just imagine you're referring to when I was quite young. The Spyro games (save for Skylanders) were my LIFE, I loved Nintendogs, the Crash Bandicoot trilogy, lots of games that were based on movies (like Madagascar and Finding Nemo are two I really enjoyed), uhhh... OH! And absolutely weird, but I loved hunting games. Like, I had a whooole lot, despite hating real life hunting even as a child. I think it was because I got to see wild animals, plus it could be calming to wander and scary, too, when things like wolves found you. Oh, and then there were fishing games, too. LOOK I just love(d) games. Would you ever get a tramp stamp? I hate that nickname. Having a tattoo literally anywhere does not equate you to a stereotype. Yes, because I want to be heavily tattooed anyway. Did you cry when Michael Jackson died? No. Not that I didn't care at all, I just wasn't a giant fan. What's the ugliest species of animal? Lmao how mean. The blobfish immediately comes to mind, though. Looks like a ball of mucus shaped into an old man's face. Are you embarrassed about any songs on your iPod? I used to be, now it's just like whatever. I like what I like. What do you use to listen to music on the computer? YouTube. Do people know a lot about you? Places on the Internet sure do lmao. I try to be much more private now online to a degree, depending on where. Irl, no. I'm too easily embarrassed/afraid of being judged for what makes me, me. Who was the last person you slept beside? Sara. Do you like Metallica? They're one of my all-time favorites and I trust NOBODY who claims to hate them. What's your favorite kind of soup? I'm not a fan of soup. What’s your best friend's favorite band? Her all-time favorite is Pink Floyd. Who was the last person you took a picture with? Ummm idr. Do you play Guitar Hero? Not really anymore, but I fuckin slayed that shit back in the day. Whose house did you last visit? My older sister's. Who was the last person to come to your house? My younger sister. What time do you usually eat dinner? Anywhere between 5:30 to like... 7:00 or so. Have you ever searched your own house on Google Earth? Not this current one, no. Does it bother you when people have a loose grip on hugs? No? Some people don't like hugs. Are you looking forward to next year? I don't know. Is covid gonna be history by then? It depends on a lot of things. What have you done so far this summer? *blink blink blink* What's your favorite punk band? Honestly, I don't even really separate bands by genres now because I don't know. There's so so many, plenty overlap, etc. etc, and people - especially those who enjoy rock/metal stuff, I've found - get all snobbish and "WELL ACTUALLY" when you "misgenre" or whatever. Which is better: cold or hot weather? COLD. FUCK hot weather. Anything above ~75*F is disgusting. Is photography something you enjoy? I'm an aspiring photographer so like- What’s the best flavor snow cone? I haven't had a legit snow cone in years... but we have a place called Pelican's Snowballs, which is really just like... snow cones in a cup? They are A M A Z I N G and strawberry is to die for. When driving, are you a speed demon or do you drive like your grandmother? I don't drive because I'm terrified to. Have you ever met someone who just had you at hello? No. Bet you were expecting "Jason," but no, I was weirded out that a stranger just comes up to me in the hall on the way to class and starts talking to me. Have you ever written poetry? Yeah. Do you have any addictions? Technology, ugh. And soda, rip. When was the last time you just laid and looked at the stars? Laid, many years ago one summer when Jason and I were just lying on the trampoline while my dad was grilling. What song reminds you of an ex? A lot. What color eyeliner do you prefer? Black. What was the last thing that you made with your own two hands? Like, made from scratch? Hell if I know. What’s the deepest water you will wade into? Like, shoulder-deep in the ocean. How many blades does your razor have? Three, I think? Highest grade of education you’ve completed? Just one semester of college. Lowest grade you’ve received on a test? Yikes, Fs in college math. He taught in such an abstract way that I failed like... every test, or nearly did. I was too afraid to ask questions continuously. Do you enjoy sitting in the sun or the shade more? There is NO situation where I would rather be in the sun. Do you enjoy going to arcades? Hell yeah. What parades do you like to go to? None. When’s the last time you went on a tirade? I ranted to Mom about the fucking ridiculous anti-maskers that are a big reason this motherfucking pandemic is worsening in America. With my mom being immunocompromised, it is something I take VERY goddamn seriously. It's not a difference in opinion - it's a difference in morality. Do you like to play charades? I loved to as a kid. Now it'd feel weird. Would you ever lead a crusade? I wouldn't want to lead anything. Have your parents ever forbade you from doing something? Aha, so as a kid, I had a game demo disc that showed the preview to Parasite Eve, and my sisters and I would secretly watch it despite it scaring us to where Mom did forbid us to click on it. And all these years later, I've played it and love it... ha ha. Otherwise, my parents have always been pretty open to letting us do stuff, save for things the usual parent doesn't like, like swearing. When’s the last time someone said something degrading to you? A few days back when I got into an argument on Facebook about some asshole teasing their newly-hatched cobra to where it kept striking at the tongs, hood flared and all. Apparently I had no idea what I was talking about, pointing out the snake was clearly stressed out. What’s the last homemade dish you’ve made? I legit haven't cooked a thing since Sara was here and I made her eggs for breakfast. Which was like, a year ago. Do you like lemonade? What flavor(s)? Broooo YES. Pink lemonade is better, but I enjoy just the classic kind, too. Has anyone ever serenaded you before? Fuck this question. Would you like to visit the Everglades? Lemme see them motherfuckin GATORS. Have you ever attended a masquerade ball before? No. Would be dope, though. Have you lost anyone to AIDS? No, thank god. Have you ever been paid for sex? Hell no. Have you ever had a maid in your home before? HUNNY we are too poor for that shit. Do you know how to do different types of braids in hair? No. When’s the last time you wore a Band-aid? Where and why? I have no clue. When was the last time you were afraid? Of what? A family friend was over here a couple days ago and she had this weirdest muscle cramp in her leg that brought her to the floor gasping for like over a minute. I was super scared, and Mom was too, as we had no idea what to do. I almost had to call 911. Crazy woman hasn't gone to the doctor about it, to my knowledge. Would you ever consider growing your hair out to your waist, or longer? NOOOO NO NO. I am probably having short hair for the rest of my life. Is there anywhere in your house that you're scared to be alone in? No. What is your favorite shoe brand? I don't have one. What weird things did you do as a small child? I was just a weird kid in general. I did a lotta stuff that would make people raise a brow. Who puts the most pressure on you in your life? My goddamn self. Do you laugh off embarrassing moments? Hell no, I turn red as a cherry and probably cry once I'm in private. Do you have a favourite actor/actress? If so, who? No. Do you like little kids, or do they annoy you? I feel uncomfortable around them. They're too brutally honest, I feel like every move I make is wrong, and I just generally feel incapable of handling them properly. Do you want a small or a large family when you get older? Well, I don't want any kids, so... Are you a good dancer? If not, do you enjoy dancing anyways? No and no. I'd be embarrassed. Have you ever lied to avoid getting into trouble? Yeah. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital for a long period of time? I'd say two weeks is pretty long, and I was supposed to stay an entire month. I only got out of that by going to court. Do you take a lot of pictures of yourself, or are you camera shy? I HATE being in front of the camera. What are your choice of toppings on a hamburger? And do you prefer gas or charcoal grilling? I just like ketchup, mustard, and pickles, really. A bit of diced onion is fine, too. I prefer gas; I hate the charcoal-y taste. You are chosen to have lunch with the president. the condition is you only get to ask one question. What do you ask? Fuck that, I'd decline going to begin with. What is your concession stand must-have at the movies? Popcorn, of course. Which do you dislike most: pop-up ads or spam email? Pop-up ads. How long was it from ‘the first date’ until the proposal of marriage? How long until the wedding? N/A What topic can put you to sleep quicker than any other? Probably like, wrestling. Golf. Sports in general. How many times did it take you to pass your drivers test? I haven't tried it yet. If you had to have the same topping on your vanilla ice cream for the rest of your life, what topping would you choose? I always just use chocolate syrup. Would you rather be trapped in an elevator, or stuck in traffic? CHRIST, TRAFFIC. Elevators kinda scare me and I'm very scared of being stuck in one. What are you sitting on right now? My bed. Are you listening to anything? Halocene's cover of "Killing In The Name." Have you parents ever hated one of your boyfriends/girlfriends? No. Who was the last person to give you money? I have no idea. Have you ever dreamed of someone you barely know? Actually yeah. Weird as hell. When was the most recent time, if ever, that you felt “impostor syndrome,” or that you felt unqualified to be somewhere? Hm. I suppose when I went to the doctor by myself for my foot. I'd never done an appointment without Mom at all, and I was veeery clueless to a lot of steps, questions, etc. What are some ways that pop culture has helped you learn historic or scientific facts? Some TV shows, I guess. Or games, even. Have you ever had a job in which you felt that you had nothing to do? What was the protocol in that situation (e.g., surfing the web, taking on the job of co-workers, or pretending to work)? If you have not, do you think it would be lucky or unlucky to have such a job? No. I was expected to always be doing something. I'd consider that to be pretty unlucky, as it sounds boring and pointless. Have you ever intimidated or made another person feel legitimately threatened? If not, do you think that you could ever be seen as scary? I don't know. Mom has admitted me yelling has scared her before, though. I can yell pretty fucking loudly. But she herself never felt threatened. And do I think I could be seen as scary? Yes. Especially given my chronic fucking nightmares that almost always involve confrontation. In what ways do you or would you need to be validated by a partner? (For example, liking your posts/talking about you on social media, or perhaps by doting on you with gifts.) I am VERY much a "words of affirmation" person. I NEED reassurance that I'm adequate and sincerely loved. When you are having a hard time emotionally, what are some of the telltale ways that you act out or that your personality reflects your struggles? I become very snappy and more reclusive than usual. I cry really easily. Do you tend to succeed by weaning yourself off of something or by quitting cold turkey? It depends on what it is, but I've generally needed to wean myself off of things when necessary. Is there a specific type of pet breed/size/etc. that you don’t want? Why not? I am very turned off by animal breeds/types that are subject to serious health issues, such as pugs, dachsunds, Persians, spider ball pythons... Just don't fucking breed them. Ironically, some of these are the cutest, but I care far more about the health of the animal. Have you ever lived in a notoriously dangerous area? If not, would it bother you to do so? Yes and yes. Has a friend’s significant other ever interfered with or damaged your friendship? What about a significant other of yours damaging a friendship? I don't believe so, no. What, if anything, is something that you put pressure on yourself about? What do you imagine would happen if you did not live up to this expectation? Getting a job, for Heaven's sake, and actually managing to keep it. I've proven inept in this area so far, so, I've already failed that. :^) If you have been in a serious relationship, have you and your partner ever discussed lifetime plans that clashed? Did you reconcile them or did you break up? If you have not been in a relationship, what are some issues that would be deal-breakers? Jason and I kinda casually talked about kids early in our relationship, at which time I didn't see myself wanting them at all and he did at some point. It didn't really bother either of us, though; it was something we'd figure out if we actually got anywhere. Then he became the only person I could ever imagine myself having kids with. Life's funny.

#survey #quiz #questions

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purplesurveys · 4 years

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801

1. Candyland: What is your favorite type of candy? Gummies. I’m not really into chocolate or caramel candies. 2. Chutes & Ladders: Do you have a fear of going up on ladders? Does your house have a laundry chute somewhere? I’ve never had to climb up a ladder but I do think I could just as well have a fear of it since as a kindergartener I was always afraid of going up the jungle gyms. I don’t know what a laundry chute is. 3. Operation: How many surgeries have you had in your lifetime? Zero, thank goodness. The idea of having to be put under and then being sliced open makes me feel faint lmao. 4. Sorry!: Do you sometimes apologize, even when it’s not your fault? Yes, abusive people can make you pick it up as a habit. 5. Game of Life: What is your greatest accomplishment thus far? What do you hope to do with the rest of your life? I count getting into my university as my biggest accomplishment so far, but I know I can still do so much more. I don’t really have a specific career goal, but I do want to ultimately be the best at whatever job I end up in and to be the happy with whoever I end up becoming.

6. Cootie: Did you really used to think that boys/girls had cooties? No...I never heard of those until I was ten watching American cartoons. 7. Trouble: What is something big that you got into a lot of trouble for? My algebra grades in high school. I almost flunked freshman algeb and nearly had to go to summer school. Math was never my strong suit in those days, heh. 8. Puzzles: When was the last time you felt puzzled/confused? How often do you feel like you don’t fit in? The other day while making Gab’s surprise birthday video. I had never made a video before, so the program itself was very foreign to me and at first I doubted I could ever come up with anything. Luckily my sister, who is in film school, was such a big help in helping me get acquainted with the different features and buttons haha. As for feeling like I don’t fit in, I haven’t really felt that a lot in the last couple of years. Other than my experience with AIESEC, I’ve been a lot better in dealing with different groups of people and adjusting to their interests and personalities. 9. Hungry Hungry Hippos: What’s your favorite meal to eat? A nice juicy burger usually works for me. 10. Uno: Can you count to ten in another language? If so, which language? Filipino, Spanish, and Korean. 11. Go Fish!: Have you ever been fishing before? No. I've always lived in the city so I’ve never been exposed to fishing. It’s very common for those living in the province, though. 12. Old Maid: Did you ever have a maid in your house, growing up? We had house help for a short time when we first moved into our house. But because my mom is super organized and very particular about it, we went through like 15 house help in total before she realized she’d rather do everything herself. There were three who stayed longer than a few months because my mom found them very good, but they all wanted to go back to the province eventually so we had to give them up. Most stayed for like a day or two, a week at most. 13. Simon Says: Did you always do everything you were told as a child? I think so, yeah. 14. Red Light, Green Light: When you approach a yellow light, are you more likely to slow down or speed up? Depends if I’m in a hurry or not. 15. Are you any good at jump rope, hopscotch, or hula hooping? Have you ever used a pogo stick before? I can do the first three. I’ve never used a pogo stick and have only seen it in cartoons. Looks fun but I also know I’d break my bones using them lol. 16. Do you prefer chalk or bubbles? Two very different things, but I remember loving bubbles as a kid. My only encounter with chalk was when we’d draw a hopscotch court on the ground, so yeah not a lot of interaction with it. 17. Did you used to go on a lot of bike rides as a child? Not really. My lola always told us we couldn’t go too far away from home, so I followed her. 18. Capture the Flag: What is your country’s flag? What about your state’s flag, if you have one? The Philippine flag has a white triangle at the left side with three stars symbolizing our three main islands, and a sun with its eight rays symbolizing the eight provinces that had big contributions in the 1896 revolution against Spain. On the right, the flag is divided into blue on top symbolizing peace, and red symbolizing patriotism. The two colors can be switched depending if the country’s at war. 19. Tic Tac Toe: When you played, were you the “hugs” or the “kisses”? I dunno, I picked whatever symbol I felt like picking if someone would ask me to play. 20. Have you ever won a game of Marco Polo in the pool without cheating? I’ve never played Marco Polo because I don’t know how the game works. Not very common here. 21. Scrabble: Are you any good at spelling? Yes. I was That student who aced all the spelling quizzes in English class lol. 22. While playing rock, paper, scissors, which do you usually throw down first? I always mix it up. 23. Were you always stuck being the pickle in the middle? I don’t know what this means. 24. Limbo: How low can you go? We never really played this. 25. When playing, did you usually pick “Truth” or “Dare”? Truth, because I have no problem telling it and people usually pick pretty shitty dares for you to do. 26. Have you been involved in any innocent games of Spin the Bottle or 7 Minutes in Heaven? No. Not common games here. I didn’t even know about 7 Minutes in Heaven until I watched 13 Going on 30 when I was like, 14 lolol. 27. Twister: Are you a flexible person (figuratively or literally)? I’m not very physically flexible. I can adjust for a lot of situations, though. 28. Did you used to pretend that the floor was lava? Kinda? In my old school there was a line pattern on the school grounds, and when I would walk I’d try not to hit any of the lines. 29. Guess Who: Are you any good at guessing games? Sure. 30. Clue: Do you think that you would be able to successfully solve a murder case? No, I don’t really like brainteasers like those. 31. Mouse Trap: Have you ever felt trapped before, in some way? Of course, in various ways. I’ve felt trapped at home, in my course, in my own head, etc. 32. Labyrinth: Have you ever gotten lost in a maze? No, that sounds terrifying and just reminds me of The Shining, eugh. 33. Jenga: Are you careful about what choices you make in life? I try to not be reckless, at least. 34. Bop it or Skip-it? Neither. 35. Tag: Are you in shape? Do you enjoy running? I wouldn’t say I am, but my body is also not in an unhealthy shape. I hate running. 36. Kickball: Did you kick the ball over the fence a lot as a kid? No. Houses here don’t really have fences. 37. Are you any good at mini-golf? No, never played. 38. Telephone: What do you do with a rumor once it’s been told to you? I didn’t really get a lot of rumors about me. The one time I did, it was so stupid I told our head teacher about it to put it to rest immediately. 39. Hide and Seek: Have you ever hid so well that it felt like it took somebody forever to find you? What was your best hiding spot? No. I don’t like making people nervous for too long. I didn’t have a hiding spot. 40. What Time Is It, Mr. Fox?: When were you old enough to tell time on an analog clock as opposed to a digital one? Hahahaha I don’t actually remember. I wanna say 8 years old? 41. Mother May I: Did you always ask your parents for permission? Yes. Always better for them to know what I’m up to than sneaking out and being caught. 42. Follow the Leader: Can you be bossy at times? I can be bossy all the time. 43. Monopoly: Are you good with your money/finances? If I absolutely have to save, like if Christmas is coming up, I’ll surprise myself at how good I can be. Most of the time though I like treating myself :/ Lmao. 44. Chess: Have you ever wanted to be king/queen? Only when I was younger. I’d wear a blanket around and pretend it was a cape. 45. Play-doh or Slime? Ooh that’s a toughie, those are my favorite kinds of toys. I did grow up with Play-Doh though and even had a Play-Doh Factory, so I’d go with that. [a-zebra-is-a-striped-horse]

#survey #surveys

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wistfulcynic · 5 years

Text

Honeysuckle

Summary: Emma finds herself in a precarious position while trying to return some library books and shy librarian Killian comes to her rescue. He’s sweet and kind and Henry’s bookworm hero but there’s also something about him that she doesn’t know.

(Something good)

a/n: All the thanks to @shireness-says for letting me borrow the adorable cinnamon roll that is Librarian!Killian, and also for inspiring this fic with her actual life. Librarian!Killian is a bit Deckhand Hook, a bit Lt Jones, which is a version of Killian I’ve never written before. It’s been fun, and not coincidentally this is the only thing I’ve ever written with a G rating.

(Thanks also to @katie-dub whose beautiful fic Her Happy Beginning inspired me to try a new style of narration.)

@whimsicallyenchantedrose @captainsjedi @kmomof4 @thejollyroger-writer @darkcolinodonorgasm @winterbaby89 @ultraluckycatnd @hollyethecurious @teamhook

Rated: G

On AO3

Honeysuckle:

Life, as some wise person once said, is just one damned thing after another. It’s full of frustration and elation and misery and comedy and so, so much embarrassment. And sometimes, on those most rare and exquisite of occasions, all of these factors coalesce into one grand, transcendent experience that makes the person living it wish simultaneously to die of humiliation and live in that moment forever.

Dear Reader, such was the experience of one Emma Swan, medical assistant and single mother, on the third day of the sixth month of the twenty-eighth year of her life.

The day began as an unremarkable one. Emma dragged herself from bed at the unholy hour of six-thirty am, banged on her son’s bedroom door on her way to the kitchen, and spent the next ten minutes mainlining coffee and forcing herself into full consciousness. When Henry appeared she poured him a bowl of cereal, kissed his forehead, and headed for the shower. So far so ordinary.

Things didn’t start to go wrong until Emma, showered and dressed and with her still-damp hair pulled into a practical ponytail, took the opportunity of Henry’s regular morning dawdling session to reread the latest letter from her secret pen pal.

(Secret only because Emma was perhaps overly conscious that having a ‘pen pal’ in this day and at her age might be seen by some as rather ridiculous. Not even Henry knew, although she’d had the pen pal far longer than she’d had the son. Since she was ten years old, in fact, and her fourth grade teacher had arranged a writing exchange with a class in England. For reasons Emma could never fully articulate she had bonded instantly and strongly to the boy across the sea known to her only as ‘K’ —again for ‘reasons’, these best known to themselves, they addressed each other by their initials only— and throughout her life of foster families and failed relationships he remained the only person who had never left her. Virtually anonymous though it may be, it was by far the longest and most stable relationship of Emma’s life and nothing but Henry had ever been more precious to her. But she kept it secret because it was ridiculous. Yep. That’s what she told herself.)

But back to the letter.

On my way to work yesterday I came across what I think must be some of the first lilacs of the season and I thought of you, it read. I always think of you when I see flowers and I can never decide which one suits you best, which probably makes sense since I have never seen your face. Are you sweet and springlike as lilacs are, or are you more of a full summer flower like a rose? Maybe you are a slim and elegant calla lily, or perhaps a tall and slightly terrifying sunflower? (Don’t laugh, E, sunflowers are scary! Have you ever seen one? They remind me of Triffids (that’s a book reference, love, and before you ask yes there’s a movie as well. Read the book first) and the way they move to follow the sun is creepy.)

(I know you’re laughing at me. Stop it.)

It is true I regret to say that Emma had laughed the first time she read the letter, also the second time and possibly the third. But this being the sixth or seventh (tenth) reading the words elicited a smile that came less from mirth and more from a sort of sighing wistfulness as she imagined her never-seen dearest friend sniffing lilacs and thinking of her.

She wished she knew what he looked like.

She had tried many times to paint his face in her mind, one that fit the beauty of his words, but found she very literally could not imagine it. Emma’s experience with men was one that is sadly not uncommon among beautiful women whose positions in society are tenuous. As a single mother with only a high school diploma Emma had encountered more than her share of creeps and assholes, men who mistook her vulnerability for weakness and attempted to take advantage of her.

It was a mistake they did not make twice, but the sad result was that Emma had soured on men and relationships and all but given up hope that she would ever find someone who loved her. And as for a man so sweet and kind that he stopped to admire lilacs and wondered what kind of flower she might be, well, he was an impossibility in her experience, simply too good to be true.

She knew of course that K was real. Someone had been writing to her for nearly twenty years. She had no desire to meet him, though (she did) for fear of the crushing disappointment if he didn’t live up to the image she had of him in her mind. No, he was much better left to her imagination and the pages of his beautifully written letters. She couldn’t bear to lose those letters.

She was just indulging in speculation over what sort of flower he might be when Henry’s voice and the thud of the books he dropped on the table in front of her brought her back to reality.

“Mom, these books are due back today,” he said.

“What? Why didn’t you take them back yesterday?”

“I forgot them at home. I didn’t even remember they were due until Killian reminded me. But we can return them now, can’t we?”

Emma tried to remember that he wasn’t trying to exasperate her, he was just absent-minded. “Henry, we are already late. Can’t you take them after school today?”

“No, I have D&D after school.”

“I’m sure you can miss it one time—”

“No, Mom, we’re in the middle of a campaign and I have to be there.”

Emma threw up her hands. “Okay, fine, but you’ll have to take the bus to school.”

“Mo-om!”

“No, I do not have time to take you to school, then go to the library, then work. I’ll drive you to the bus stop then swing by the library and put your books in the drop. Hurry up now, are you ready?”

“Yeah, just let me grab my backpack.”

He ran to get it and Emma absently slipped the letter into its envelope and the envelope into one of Henry’s library books before gathering the books in her arms and slinging her tote bag over her shoulder and herding her son out the door and into her car.

(I wonder if you can spot where this is going yet?)

Ten minutes later Emma pulled into the library parking lot with as close to a squeal of tires as her creaky Bug could manage and grabbed Henry’s books from her passenger seat. Hurrying to the book drop she tipped them in…

And remembered. Far too late.

“My letter!” she cried, and without thinking of anything beyond recovering the treasured words, Emma dove headfirst into the book drop, trying to catch the book that held her letter before it fell. She was a slender woman and the book drop more sizeable than most, but it was decidedly not designed to accommodate the ingress of any size of human, and so all she accomplished was to wedge her shoulders tightly into the narrow space with one arm stretched out in front of her inside the chute and the other sticking out of the drop’s opening at an odd angle. With the toe of one foot she could just touch the ground while the other one dangled helplessly in the air. She kicked with her leg to try to yank herself free but succeeded only in sending her practical flat shoe flying off her foot and landing with a splash in what she felt certain was a mud puddle, just as the sound of Henry’s books landing in the bin at the bottom of the chute reached her ears.

Perfect, she thought. Just perfect.

This, as I’m sure you have deduced my lovely Reader, has been the embarrassment and yes also the comedy portion of our tale. The former feeds the latter until it is fat as we all know from our own lives, and in the years to come Emma would learn to laugh when telling and retelling the story of her predicament. Though it must be said that, as is often the case with embarrassing things, she saw absolutely no humour in it at the time.

The frustration came into play moments later as Emma made further attempts to extricate herself from the drop, only to find that the position of her shoulders and her hands and her legs left her entirely unable to get enough purchase on any solid surface to provide sufficient counterbalancing force to un-wedge her. She was well and truly stuck, profoundly uncomfortable, and by that time almost certainly late for work.

It was then that the misery kicked in.

“Fuck,” she shouted, and the word reverberated down the metal chute, echoing back to her in a way she considered almost insultingly on the nose. She closed her eyes and let her head fall against the side of the chute and wondered just what the hell she was going to do now.

(It will not, I feel certain, have escaped your notice that we have not yet had elation. Fear not, gentle Reader, for it is to come, and far sooner than Emma expects.)

Fortunately both for Emma and our story a rescuer soon arrived, not on a white charger as in a fairy tale but aboard a practical secondhand Volvo in a rather nice shade of blue.

Now Killian Jones may well have wished, deep in his heart, in that remote corner where he kept his love of adventure stories and even fancied himself a bit of a rogue, for something sportier, something a touch more dashing. But Killian Jones was a librarian, and the financial realities of our world dictate that librarians do not drive sports cars. So Killian had sighed for what was never to be and bought the Volvo —and adamantly rejected the silver one, he was not a vampire, sparkly or otherwise— and it had to be said that he’d never regretted it.

All he regretted that morning was the broken shoelace that had made him too late to walk to work and smell the lilacs.

As he pulled into the parking lot he was surprised to see a yellow Volkswagen Beetle parked haphazardly in the closest spot to the door that wasn’t reserved for the differently abled. It looked very much like the car that he’d frequently seen young Henry running to, the one that would naturally be driven by his mother…

Impulsively Killian pulled into the space next to the yellow car instead of continuing to the employee lot. His heart had begun to pound and his mouth was dry.

It’s probably not her, he told himself firmly. There have to be other yellow Bugs in the neighbourhood.

(There definitely weren’t.)

But if it was her he couldn’t pass up the opportunity to stutter a few incoherent words before excusing himself awkwardly and fleeing to a private corner where he might catch his breath, which was what happened every time he tried to talk to Henry’s mother.

Now Killian Jones, as, dearest Reader, you well know, was a handsome man, and one not so caught up in books and fantasy that he was unaware of this fact or of the effect it had on women. He could be smooth enough with the female species when he put his mind to it but something about Henry’s mother —he didn’t even know her name— tied his tongue and stopped his throat and robbed him of every shred of eloquence he may otherwise possess.

This didn’t stop him from trying, though. The humiliation was worth it to see her smile.

He got out of the car as quickly as possible, cursing as he caught the strap of his satchel in the door, then hurried to the library’s main entrance, looking around in a way that he hoped didn’t make it too obvious that he was looking around. Where would she be? he wondered. If she was here that is, if it was her. Come to think of it, why would she be here? Why would anyone? Who went to the library an hour before it opened to, what, stand around in front of the door and wait?

His attention was finally drawn, after a moment or two, to the after-hours book drop when the person stuck inside it began banging and shouting loudly enough for even the most distracted bookworm to notice.

Wait… the person stuck inside the book drop?

Killian turned to look, mouth gaping open in astonishment, too taken aback to even feel ashamed that he very definitely recognised that arse.

So that’s where she was. This simultaneously answered several questions and posed a good few more.

He hurried over, knowing that he ought to do something, but very uncertain as to what that something ought to be.

“Um, hello?” he ventured. “Excuse me?”

Her voice was muffled but the annoyance came through loud and clear. “Oh thank fuck, I thought you’d gone,” she said.

“Um. What?”

“I heard your car door slam so I started banging to get your attention, but then no one came and I thought you’d left, or gone in another direction or something.”

“Ah. Er, no. I’m, uh, I’m here. What, um, what can I do for you?” He winced even as he spoke the words.

(She robbed him of all eloquence, you recall, even when all he could see was her backside. Perhaps especially then.)

She paused just long enough to make her opinion of his question clear. “Get me out of here!” she shouted.

“Aye, of course, lass, but, er, um—” Killian assessed the situation from three different angles just to be sure that there was no other option, that it wasn’t simply his physical attraction to her getting the better of him “—I’ll have to, uh, there’s no other way except to, er, touch you—”

“Yes, yes, I know that’s fine, just get me out!”

“Aye, all right, um, can you push on the inside of the chute at all?”

“Yes, but I can’t get enough purchase on the ground to counterbalance, so I can’t force my shoulders out.”

“Ah, yes, I see. All right, well you push and I’ll just, um—” Cautiously he wrapped his arm around her waist and braced his hand against the wall of the library. “I’ll brace you. Are you ready?”

“So ready.”

“Okay, on three. One… two… three!”

Killian planted his feet firmly on the ground and he could feel her muscles tense and flex as she pushed on the wall of the chute, and with her body braced against his she was able to un-wedge her shoulders from the narrow space and then with a final heave she freed herself from the drop, the force of it sending her stumbling backwards against Killian, whose other arm automatically wrapped itself around her and held on tight.

She smelled like honeysuckle, was all he could think.

Too soon she was straightening up and he forced his arms to let her go, and she turned around with a smile that nearly ended him.

“Thanks,” she said. “I thought I’d be in there at least until the library opened.”

Emma was trying to be cool but the truth was that even from inside the chute she’d recognised the voice and accent of Henry’s favourite librarian, his hero really, the man who had recommended all his favourite books and who always had time to discuss them with him. Henry talked about him almost nonstop.

“Ah, it’s Killian, isn’t it?” she said. “We’ve talked a few times before, I’m Henry’s mother.”

Killian swallowed hard and forced himself not to panic. “Aye, I remember. Er— sorry, I don’t know your name.”

He’s so cute, thought Emma. She’d always thought so, if she was honest, not just his face but the adorable way he couldn’t quite manage to talk to her. It was sweet, and frankly a blessed change from the way men usually acted around her.

“It’s Emma Swan,” she said, and held out her hand. Killian took it gingerly, like he was afraid it might bite him.

The jolt of sensation that went through both of them at the contact seemed to confirm his fears.

They both pulled their hands away, laughing nervously, and thorough the haze of his confusion something prickled in Killian’s mind. E. Swan, he thought, just like…

“You must be wondering how I managed to get stuck like that,” said Emma, interrupting his thoughts, attempting to brazen through her own jumpy nerves by talking.

“Well, yes, I confess it did cross my mind.” A complete sentence in her presence, that was a first, he thought.

“Yeah, it must be a pretty weird thing to encounter first thing in the morning.”

“I assure you, lass, we’ve seen weirder in this library.” Two complete sentences, what had come over him?

“That’s nice of you to say. Okay, here’s the thing. I kinda… left something really important in one of the books I returned, and… look I’m so grateful to you for rescuing me but would you mind maybe going to see if you could find it?” She kept her face calm but he could sense her anxiety in the way she twisted her hands together. “It’s, well, it’s personal and I don’t want to lose it, or you know have strangers reading it—”

He waved his hand to cut her off. “Say no more, it would be my pleasure to retrieve it for you. Um, what is it?”

Her smile shone relieved and brilliant, and Killian’s powers of speech abandoned him yet again.

“It’s a letter. In an envelope. I mean, just like a normal envelope. But… open.”

He nodded, groping desperately for his words. “Letter. Envelope. Got it. I’ll, um, go now. Uh, stay here.”

“Where else would I go?” she asked his retreating back.

Killian hurriedly unlocked the main doors and raced down the stairs to the bin at the bottom of the book drop’s chute. He realised he’d forgotten to ask Emma —he felt a small thrill using her name— which book she’d left her letter in, but fortunately he remembered which books Henry had checked out during his last visit. They’d had a long conversation about each, after all. He ruffled through the first one but no letter fell out, the same result for the second. The third, however, produced its treasure, an ordinary, unremarkable white letter envelope.

One that looked strikingly familiar.

Killian stared at the letter in his hand, addressed to one E. Swan, in a firm, flowing, elegant script.

A script he recognised.

Because it was his own.

Bloody hell.

(Be honest, now, kind Reader, you aren’t going to tell me you didn’t see this coming?)

Killian wanted to hyperventilate. (Is it possible to want to hyperventilate?) His favourite patron’s mother, the woman he’d admired (and yes, done a bit of pining for) from afar was also, somehow, the pen pal he’d had since he was ten years old. His dearest friend.

It was too ridiculous. It was impossible.

(It was actually just a very strange coincidence, and who among us hasn’t experienced one of those? But Killian was feeling rather dramatic in that moment, so we’ll give him a pass.)

(Now Reader, you are likely wondering how it is possible that two people who communicate via letter, a medium of communication that requires the knowledge of one’s recipient’s address as a matter of course, could possibly be unaware that they lived in the same neighbourhood of the same small town, mere blocks from one another as it turns out? The simple explanation is this: Both some years ago had arranged P.O. Boxes for their letters to each other, finding it easier (and if we are honest, more securely anonymous) to simply ask the post office to forward their letters as they moved around rather than keep updating each other directly. Killian’s P.O. Box was in Syracuse, NY, where he had gone to library school and his first port of call in the USA while Emma’s was in Tallahassee, FL, where she had stayed for two years after Henry was born.

Could they have saved themselves a fair bit of time and no small amount of loneliness had they just used their real addresses? Or, you know, their actual names?

Yes. Yes they could. But then we wouldn’t have a story.)

As Killian reeled from his astounding discovery, Emma was sitting on the hood of her Bug, wincing as her shift supervisor (and friend) laughed, so long and so hard Emma feared she’d give herself an aneurysm.

After a while she began to hope for an aneurysm.

“Oh my God,” Ruby gasped, once she was finally able to speak through her mirth. “That is the funniest thing I’ve heard in a long time. Years, probably.”

“Not helpful, Rubes. I only called to tell you that I’ll be in as soon as possible, I can probably get going in about five, ten minutes or so. I’m really sorry.”

Ruby’s appreciation for a good joke did not affect her empathy for a friend in need. “Look, Ems, we’re not busy today, three patients have already cancelled their appointments. I can cover what’s left. Let’s just call this a sick day for you and if you want you can make up the shift this weekend. Go home and rest. You’ve had a narrow escape after all.”

Emma groaned. “I hate you.”

“You love me, and don’t forget I’m covering your shift today so you really shouldn’t be stuck up.”

“I mean, that’s just terrible.”

Ruby laughed. “Call me later. I’ll be waiting so don’t think you can wriggle out of it.”

“You are the worst and I’m hanging up now. Goodbye. And thanks.”

“Any time, doll.”

Emma hung up the phone just as Killian came through the doors holding, she was relived to see, her letter.

And with a very peculiar expression on his face.

She felt her heart flutter. He looked… intense. It was a good look on him.

She remembered how his arms had felt around her and the flutter became a gallop.

He handed her the letter.

“You’re honeysuckle,” he blurted.

“I— what?” Emma blinked in surprise.

“Honeysuckle. Not lilacs or roses, or sunflowers, thank goodness.”

How could he… no! she thought wildly. He couldn’t, he wouldn’t have. He seemed so nice.

“Did you read my letter?” she cried, somehow feeling more betrayed than angry.

“No! That is, I sort of did, but—” He ran a hand through his hair, looking distressed. “Oh, I’m doing this all wrong.”

“Just what exactly are you doing?” she snapped.

He took a deep breath, and looked her in the eye. “Let me introduce myself,” he said. “We really haven’t been properly introduced. My name is Killian Jones. Killian with a K.”

Emma gasped as the import of his name plus the fact that he knew what was in her letter hit home. K. Jones.

“You— you’re K?”

“Aye. I mean yes, I am. And you’re E. Who smells of honeysuckle. I’ve always wondered.”

“You wondered what I smelled like?”

“I’ve wondered a lot of things about you, love.” He smiled, not the awkward, shy smile he normally gave her, but a bright and brilliant one full of joy and just a hint of mischief. It made her feel feather-light and ridiculously happy. This man she could definitely picture sniffing lilacs and thinking of her. He was real, and right in front of her, and her imagination had utterly failed to do him justice.

“Listen,” he said, more confident than she’d ever seen him but with nervousness just creeping in at the edges, rubbing at a spot behind his ear and looking just over her left shoulder, “Would you, um, like to have a drink with me? You probably have to get to work now, but maybe later—”

“I have the day off.” The words were out before she could stop them.

Hope lit in his eyes. “You do?”

“As of five minutes ago,” she confirmed. “My boss said I’d clearly been through enough already today and told me to take a sick day. But, I mean, don’t you have to work—”

“I’ll take a sick day too,” he said hurriedly, pulling out his phone. “Just give me a minute.”

The phone rang only twice before Belle picked up. She was nothing if not efficient.

“Hi, Belle, it’s, er, Killian.” Of course she knows that you numpty she saw your name come up on the screen, he thought.

(Killian is a terrible, terrible liar.)

He cleared his throat and continued. “I’m, um, so sorry but I’m not well today.”

“Not well,” repeated Belle.

“Er, no, I think I’ll have to stay home.”

“You sound fine, Killian.” She sounded strict, when she was usually so kind. He forced himself not to panic, and attempted a little cough. “No, I assure you,” he said, “I’m very ill.”

“Very ill, you say.”

“Er, aye.” Why is she repeating everything?

“Too ill to come to work.”

“Um, yes.”

“Too ill to come to work and not in fact currently standing in the patrons’ car park with Henry’s mother?”

He gaped. “How do you—”

She laughed, a familiar, warm sound, and Killian felt the knot of tension in his chest begin to melt. “I heard you come in through the main door and I came to see what was going on,” she said.

Killian felt a stab of guilt. “Belle, I can explain—”

“You don’t have to. At least, not yet. I’ll be demanding a full explanation tomorrow, when I feel certain you’ll be well enough to come to work.”

“Of course. Thank you, Belle, you’re a treasure.”

“Just be sure you actually talk to her this time.”

“Aye, I think I can manage that.” It was easier now that he knew he’d actually been talking to her for the best part of twenty years.

He ended the call and turned to smile at Emma who smiled back at him, and now, my darling Reader, we come at long last to the elation. The sheer, shining joy of experiencing something you’ve wondered about for years and finding it surpasses even your most elevated expectations.

They went for coffee. They walked to the coffee shop, past the lilacs which were just beginning to fade, and they sniffed them together.

Their conversation flowed with surprising ease, or perhaps not so surprising. In a way of course they had only just met but in another way they had known each other for years, and they were pleased to discover that there was no awkwardness between them other than that which results naturally between two people who are wildly attracted to each other and only just beginning to explore it.

They explored it eventually. And thoroughly.

And when the following year they stood in a country garden with Belle and Ruby and a Henry who was almost dancing with excitement and exchanged rings and promises of love and fidelity, the trellis above their heads was heavy and fragrant with honeysuckle in full bloom. And not a sunflower in sight.

(Ah, I love a happy ending, I hear you sighing, beloved Reader. I do as well but I fear this is not one. It is of course a happy beginning.)

#cs ff #cs ff au #cs fic #deckhand hook #lieutenant jones #captain swan #fluff #omg so fluffy #tooth-rotting fluff #captain cobra #librarian killian #honeysuckle #profdanglaisstuff #one shot #rated g

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night-filled-mountain · 5 years

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For the Hozier ask thing: No Plan, Be, Talk

- No Plan - Do you believe in a pre-determined purpose in life?

No, but I think it can be helpful–for some people!–to think and act like you have a pre-determined purpose, as long as you’re not too rigid about it. Sometimes the random twists and turns of life just get overwhelming, you know? And you need to weave them into some sort of pattern–“A, B, and C all happened in order to lead me to D,” or “Despite X obstacle, I know I’m meant to accomplish Y.” Humans are pattern-finding creatures–that’s why we like stories so much. I can’t imagine getting through life without periodically making it into a story, whether you actually believe in some divine Plan and Author or not. (This is reminding me once again of that Brian W. Foster lyric I’ve become obsessed with: “And if it wasn’t designed, then I’ll be damned if I ever know why.”)

Though honestly, for me? The opposite is true. I’ve faced, and continue to face, so many mental-health barriers to having the kind of life I’d like to have, and I’ve fought (and continue to fight!) such a harrowing, hard-scrabble fight to make that life happen anyway. It’s a massive struggle, it’s ongoing, it’s every day. It’s exhausting and humiliating and entirely without dignity. So the thing that I like to tell myself about the life I want? Is that I wasn’t meant to have it. Some particularly nasty gods have played a trick on me since birth, crafting a person for whom friends/romance/productive work/artistic fulfillment/Happiness are impossible–and day after day, I’m fighting them, trying to prove them wrong. Clawing and biting at them with everything I have in me. Forcing my way out of their boxes, grasping at what I want, and spitting in their eye for good measure.

I’m sure my preference for this narrative says something about me as a person, but I leave that up to you, anon!

- Be - Have you changed much as a person in the last year?

…I literally don’t know where to start.

In August 2018, I wasn’t married yet. I lived in a small town in New Jersey with my parents and sister, and was desperately terrified of moving (permanently) anywhere else. I had completed two master’s degrees just a few months before, but I’d never had a full-time job, and I was 250% convinced (for the aforementioned mental-health reasons, and a chronic physical illness to boot!) that I could never, ever have one. Oh, and I’d just gotten back from a visit to my former roommate (which remains the last time I saw her, not counting Skype), and I was suffering constant agony over the intense, passionate, mutually pining, emotionally needy, co-dependent mess that was that relationship.

And now?

I’m married. I live in Boston, in an apartment where I’ve paid 100% of the rent for the past six months (though that will soon be changing!). I have a full-time job that has challenged and transformed me in ways that I could not possibly have imagined six months ago. Like…literally could not have fathomed. Outside the scope of my brainpower. Beyond my wildest dreams.

I’m the head of my department…because I’m the entire department. I do heavy-duty customer service. I interact with dozens of strangers every day–children, teens, and adults–and I usually do it without a whisper of social anxiety. I pick up my desk phone when it rings. I make phone calls when I have to. I send and receive dozens of e-mails a week. I manage a budget! I place orders! I schedule programs! I answer reference questions! I operate and troubleshoot various forms of technology constantly, and teach others how to use them. I reason with, joke with, assist, educate, entertain, chastise, and discipline 20+ rowdy teenagers ON A DAILY BASIS. There have been many days, and once an entire week, when I was literally in charge of my entire workplace and everyone in it. And it was all still functioning when my boss got back.

…And it’s actually really timely that I should write about all this now, because I’m smack-dab in the middle of an extremely daunting work task, one that’s causing my ADD to kick my ass to hell and back. And I’ve spent the past few days wondering just how fucking desperate this place must have been to hire someone who’s been wretchedly sobbing over her utter lack of focus and organizational skills for almost 30 years. So it’s…quite the morale-booster to look at these paragraphs about just how goddamn far I’ve come in a year.

…Also, Ex-Roommate and I have gone no-contact, and most days, I don’t think about her. And if I do, it doesn’t hurt so much.

- Talk - What’s your best friend like?

I have three (3) best friends, and they are MY WORLD, so get ready for this.

(1.) My husband. We’ll call him Kit, which is, in fact, a name he often goes by. He is a Gemini, which I mention only because he’s a very classic Gemini: bursting with curiosity, interested in everything, with a dizzying array of hobbies and interests that seem to change and shift by the moment. He teaches science, and used to teach history. He loves camping, sea shanties, Lawrence of Arabia, board games, and tabletop RPGs. Being a teacher, he’s had the summer off, and he’s spent it being a house-husband: cleaning our apartment, buying all the groceries, doing my laundry an embarrassing number of times, and cooking me dinner every single night. He loves being useful to people and making people happy. He’s terrific at long-term planning, but has no sense of time, and he’d be late to everything without my intervention. We have separate bedrooms, and mine is obsessively neat, and his is…not. He was once bitten by a squirrel that he was hand-feeding on the Boston Common. A few days later, he received a serious electric shock from a string of Christmas lights, and the bandage he’d placed over the squirrel bite was burned black instead of his hand. This perfect balance of cursed and blessed is, in a way, all you really need to know about Kit.

We love to watch movies and TV shows together and discuss/analyze them obsessively. We love to have looong philosophical discussions and/or debates. We take walks, we get Italian food and/or ice cream far too often, we go on jolly road-trip adventures, and we read out loud to each other. He’s currently reading me Charles Dickens’ Our Mutual Friend, which I have read before (twice) and he has not, because I love it so intensely, and I know that he will too. He’s the best person on earth to discuss virtually anything with, to be honest. He’s my DM in the best D&D campaign I’ve ever been part of. I’ve just made a new D&D character, although I don’t have a campaign for her yet, and Kit cannot stop lavishing praise on her and getting excited about her…even though she’s a hobgoblin, and he spent a significant portion of a recent car ride passionately arguing with me about the viability of hobgoblins as player characters.

He is absolutely extraordinary at admitting when he’s wrong, owning it fully, changing his opinions, pursuing personal growth, and just becoming a better and better person all the time. And I’m so damn honored that I get to be here for it.

(2.) We’ll call my second best friend Unicorn, which is a multilayered inside joke.

I met Unicorn during my freshman year of college. We lived on the same floor. I was the odd woman out among my suitemates because I had crippling social anxiety; he was the odd man out among his because he was gay. Somehow we started watching movies and TV shows together, and it became our Thing; I think our current marathon record is six or seven movies in a row. We’re both from New Jersey, and he still lives there, and there are few places in the world I feel safer than on his giant couch, in front of his giant TV, with snacks and glasses of Limeade close at hand, and his neurotic little dog nosing about. He has a pool, a massive movie collection, and an encyclopedic knowledge of state politics, because he works as a full-time environmental canvasser. His hours are absolutely terrifying, as are the physical and social demands of his job, but he still finds time to run a D&D campaign for his coworkers, and to visit the rest of us in Boston at every possible opportunity.

Unicorn is barely a month older than I am (a fellow Leo, though I think it suits him a hell of a lot better than it suits me), and he understands me in specific ways that the other two members of our little quartet just can’t. We get each other’s humor, we have similar tastes in men, we both love to swim. When the four members of our found family are all together, he is invariably the only person who notices all my little puns and innuendos, and laughs every time. He listens to me, and asks me questions, in a way that no one else in the world quite seems to do. He made a speech at my wedding that reduced me to a blubbering mess. And, most importantly of all: He started inviting me to our college’s LGBT group when we were juniors (right after Kit and I started dating), which was how I met my third best friend, and how we all became a family.

(3.) I’m going to refer to Best Friend #3 as “Dragon,” because…he loves dragons, and because he was Unicorn’s roommate when I first met him, and it keeps the mythological-creature theme going. …And once again, I don’t know where to start, so I’m going to go dig up an old post I made about Dragon, copy and paste it below, and then figure out how to elaborate on someone who both my husband and I have identified as the best human being we have ever met.

This is a friend who invites the whole gang of us to his apartment for entire long weekends, and cooks for us, repeatedly. Who hosts “fake Christmas” every year, complete with a tree decorated with blue and silver ornaments because he is Jewish, and made all of us hand-stitched, personalized stockings, and fills them with gifts and sweets purchased specially for each of us. Who once baked me a cake just because I was coming to visit him. Who organized and directed my entire move from New Jersey to Boston because his Tetris-like car-packing skills and his utter laidback unshakable calm in the face of any task are absolutely unparalleled. Who is a goddamn wizard at literally everything, from cooking and baking and sewing to Photoshop and graphic design to painting D&D miniatures to putting together elaborate cosplays to theater tech to writing and research to courageous and tireless activism to law (did I mention he’s a lawyer?).

…That was my old paragraph, so let me add a few things. I can’t emphasize enough how much he carries that aura of calm and kindness and competence about him at all times. Never in my life had I had a cooking/baking experience that didn’t stress me out until Dragon let me help him make an entire dinner and various desserts for our friend group, and it was just…so chill. So well-organized and perfectly timed, but without ever feeling like those things took any effort whatsoever. He was so kind and patient with me, demonstrating each task step by step, then being entirely confident in my ability to perform said tasks, and never trying to nitpick at the way I did them or take them over himself. Part of his job involves teaching, and I know he must be fantastic at it, because no one else has ever been such a soothing balm and a stimulant (both at once, somehow!) to my poor, tormented ADD brain. Someday (maybe soonish!), our whole found family is going to live together, and the thought of being around Dragon all the time just makes me weep with joy. And did I mention his sweet, child-like enthusiasm for holiday celebrations and ghost tours and spooky TV shows and musicals and fantasy novels and text RP and all other Best Things? (Ok, he also loves dogs and Marvel movies, and I love neither, but I forgive him for this.)

Oh, he also officiated my wedding. And he also had top surgery today, and I have maybe never been this happy about anything ever, what an auspicious day to finish this post!

#asks from the askbox #personal #long post #she's just about to close up the library!#dungeons & dragons #d&d #dnd #this got RIDICULOUSLY long holy moly #i have a lot of feelings about my job and my friends guys

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glittertimes · 5 years

Text

It sucks because I finally got to a place where I was excited and motivated to apply to schools / and learn to drive. I got to a place finally felt safe for once, and where I felt like I could still accomplish things even if I was scared of them.

I went on the scariest rollercoaster at an amusement park two days before school started, and I had no idea that rollercoasters would help me heal from my trauma but they kind of did.

So I’d been dreading this specific rollercoaster (here’s a vid of the try guys going on this ride lol) all summer, bc I promised my best friend I would go on it before summer ended. And this rollercoaster literally goes straight up, it’s like a 90 degree angle, and then it stops at the top so you can see the whole park (which is terrifying btw) and then it drops and goes upside down like 5 times.

And while was waiting in line (distracting myself by playing heads up with my friend lol) I was thinking “Yes I’m scared, but I’ve been scared before going on almost all of the rollercosters / rides here. And I’ve also enjoyed pretty much all of them, it’s going to be okay. I may be scared, but I can still do this.”

So I was able to sit with the fear, and not let it overwhelm me like it usually does. I used to have nightmares after I went to amusement parks, because I just had so much anxiety all day from waiting in line for rides. But this time I just went to sleep feeling excited and motivated for the new school year.

Because when I got on the ride, I was just having fun the whole time. We went on it at night time, and the whole ride was lit up in different colors, so it was really pretty. It was over really fast, and it was like the perfect way to end our amusement park trip.

And then I’m back home for one day and I’m yelled at for literally nothing. I left my pens I needed for school at my friend’s house and my mom starts screaming and saying “your friends are trying to steal all your stuff!” and just talking shit about them, for no reason. And she threw my nail polish on the floor and it exploded everywhere, and of course that was “my fault.”

So it just proved that PTSD feel of never being safe. Because the second I did feel safe, my parents went out of their way to make me feel like I was in danger all over again.

It just ruined all the progress I had made, and now I’m back in another emotional flashback and even just walking on campus feels overwhelming. It feels like I’m a first year all over again, nothing feels familiar it just feels terrifying and overwhelming.

So this morning, before I go to class I’ve just been trying to regain that feeling that I had looking at the park from the very top of the ride. “I’m scared but I’m going to have fun, and something good will come from all of this.” That scared, yet exciting feeling instead of the terrified and overwhelmed feeling.

I’d always heard that fear can be motivating, but I’d never really experienced that before, until I was waiting in line for that rollercoaster.

#personal

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anonymoustoddler · 4 years

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I got stoned and found out some things and started writing a facebook post. And then... it turned into whatever the hell this is:

I went to NYU from 2005-2009.

Ilana Glazer.. apparently went to NYU from 2005-2009.

We graduated at the same time.

ALSO, I thought Rachel Bloom was older but NO, she was there too. And everyone seems to know her except for me.

She didn’t even go to Tisch, or study acting or writing or.. any of it. Rachel did. But all three of us sat in Yankee Stadium at the same time and listened to Hillary Clinton give our graduation speech. We had all the same opportunities and general access, the same potential for experience, exposure, connections, and a career.

And now they are there.

And my BFA’d ass is... right here.

It’s just really strange to think about that. Maybe if I had somehow done things quite differently, I’d be there instead.

Probably not, to be honest. I know I’ve never had whatever that thing is that makes certain people magnetic. I’ve never been the one to stand out in adulthood. I think, in fact, that many people find me rather dull compared to the shine of others in this field. But maybe... maybe if I’d really worked for it, for real. Maybe if I could have put everything into the work instead of most of it into all the wrong places with just a shaving of energy and effort and commitment left over.

But also. Something happened to me, back then. When I left Northview and Grand Rapids and Michigan to head for New York, I believed in my talent. I believed in myself in that way, if not much else. I knew I could do it, and do it well.

A lot of people seem to come into themselves in college. Find themselves, find their people, their passions and strengths, their future. But I think I had the opposite experience altogether. From my very first day in New York, I felt Weird. Different. Loser. Less than. Behind. Misunderstood. Shamed. Overlooked. Ignored. Doubtful. Anxious. Depressed. Afraid. Embarrassed. Hidden. Invisible.

It was a slow motion dissent into the earlier stages of where I am now. But nobody noticed. No one saw an eating disorder or depression or tremendous anxiety. No one saw severe mood instability, executive dysfunction, a strained and codependent and complicated two person family relationship. No one saw the things going on and attributed them to “She’s not ok.” It was always, “She’s immature. She’s selfish and lazy. She doesn’t WANT to grow up, so she’s keeping herself in states of dependency so she never has to try.” “She just doesn’t want any of it badly enough. If she did, she’d be doing the work to get it.”

I wonder, sometimes. If I hadn’t been sick and scared and alone, with only so much understanding at the time of what was happening to me and no understanding of what I was preparing to become; if I had real and proper help from any doctor or professor or from my mom - because I did not understand the severity of my need for help back then, and I thought my family doctor, a PA who actually really fucked up my life multiple times with her loose prescription pad and severe lack of knowledge of what she was doing, had me covered - what might I have accomplished instead of spending most of my free time in bed, balancing a part time job but barely able to take on anything else. 30 hours a week in retail plus commuting was literally everything I had in me WHEN I WAS AT MY BEST IN LIFE. When I was the closest I ever got to being a rack rate size, when I was still able to prioritize limited money spending, still eating both regularly and healthfully (as much so as I’ve ever been), still exercising simply by getting around, sleeping ok enough for the most part and generally on a more normalized schedule. I mean — I got up at 6 to be at work at 8 OFTEN. It was excruciating sometimes, but other times it was fun to get up and get ready for work. I had routines. I loved getting off the train at my SoHo stop and, depending on which line I took and how much time I had, getting my coffee at Starbucks or at Aroma, so overpriced but an entirely different experience and worth the convenience and sometimes a pastry to go along.

I’ve gotten quite entirely away from myself, but.. I was doing the best I’ve ever done or maybe will ever do. And I still could not work to pay my bills and also take voice and tap and jazz and scene study and exclusive workshops and networking events and open calls and appointment auditions and keeping up with theater and film and the business and and and.

I went to a handful of auditions in 2013 and 2014 - My Only Almost Good Years. Things were actually pretty horrible for the majority of them but it was also mostly the closest I ever got to Good in the beginning.

Regardless, I subscribed to Actors Access and I got the only real headshots I ever had taken and I submitted and submitted and submitted (not nearly as regularly or often as I should have, because I was still too scared then. I still gave a shit.) and I very occasionally got an audition. I submitted for a commercial call Under 18 girls skin care. I got called in. When the CD saw me, she told me they were only considering minors, but she wanted to keep my headshot and info anyway. I never heard from her again.

I got a call for a short film once (or was it a web series? Who knows) and even got a callback. But no part.

I did one show in those two years. Technically I guess one could argue two if you count the weird little Christmas play I did for no money right after I moved at the end of 2012, but. Aside from that... one casting. One.

In New Jersey. No pay - travel stipend included.

I was 24 years old playing a 12 year old in an aged down musical version of Three Sisters set in 1970s New Jersey. “We have to get back to Mosc- New York City!” But with generic numbers telling most of what little story there was.

And then I took an acting class, I fell and injured myself, my body wasn’t ever the same after that, and by the time my shoulder was as normal as it would ever be again, my brain was really starting to crack. I was depressed and anxious. I hated living in Brooklyn, I hated having no friends after so briefly being close with Jenn. I hated my roommate, the only man I had ever lived with before George. And no wonder. He was one of the worst people I’ve ever met, I think. The worst kind of fucked up Entitled Vaguely Wealthy White Male. He enjoyed making me upset, making me feel unsafe. He listened to me express my issues with things he did and instead of even pretending to care about living harmoniously, he laughed in my face and used every chance he could get to fuck with me for the kick of it. He was rude and weird and cold and cruel and cocky and prideful and hateful and gross and mean. He was selfish and thoughtless and manipulative. I knew he felt wrong from the moment I met him. I knew. But our third roommate was chill and relaxed and flexible, she seemed to get along with both of us enough so I thought she could and would act as a buffer if it ever came to that. I knew but I loved the apartment, and he found it and I didn’t have any friends to grab it out from under him with. I knew he was a bad guy and someone I might well have real trouble with and discomfort around, but Jenn had gone silent and enemy for reasons and in ways I will never, ever understand. One day she was my friend, and the next she was putting locks on her doors and saying I should really move out of HER apartment as soon as possible. She stopped speaking to me. She passive aggressively left disgusting messes all over the apartment. She locked the living room television in her bedroom and told some version of events in which I was the bad guy somehow to friends who we both went to school with, people I knew and liked. They in turn randomly met my coworkers and proceeded to say horrible things about me, and the only reason I even know is because one of them told me about it in the break room the next time I worked.

I knew Nick was a terrible risk in multiple ways. But I had to get out of the apartment because at the time I didn’t think it could be worse than living with Jenn, and Dan was a third who I thought would be in my corner, and the apartment was so much nicer than most of the places I had lived. I thought I could make it work. I thought that move was going to save me.

By the time my headshots were taken, I was beginning to lose feeling in my legs. I was struggling to keep treading water and starting to drown. I never got the free retouching because I never chose my final shots. I never chose because I barely submitted for auditions. I was doing on partial leave from work and doing as much physical therapy as I could afford to copays for, I was taking percocet for months and months because the pain wouldn’t go away. Something’s Wrong, I said. The Scans Look Normal, Try Taking Ibuprofen. I was home and hiding in bed more and more often. I extended my work leave and gave shifts away as much as I could. I went to therapy and a middle aged white woman with long beaded necklaces and a New Age Buddhism vibe in a shoebox office on the Upper East Side was getting tired of me and my lack of progress and consistent last minute cancellation of appointments. I went back to work and had panic attacks that kept me sobbing uncontrollably for over an hour, so many shifts spent partially alone sitting in a little room in the basement back of house, steam pumps taking up much of the space and nothing else there aside from a single office chair and a little grey table. I spent my entire hour lunch chain smoking on a stoop down the street. I smoked cigarette after cigarette, compulsively and even when I did NOT want any more. I talked more loudly and often about how bad things were, about my disorder and anxiety and depression and people liked me less and I was alone at work more. New people came on and old people left and new cliques formed and I had no friends. Work was torture and home was terrifying. I got through the summer by getting stoned on the roof so I wouldn’t have to be in the apartment in case he was home. But then one day my door knob broke and I was so terrified he would go into my room and take or break or mess with my things and the fear and panic were so real and so severe that I missed my best friend’s baby shower because I couldn’t find a locksmith on a Sunday and I couldn’t leave my room until I fixed my door knob. She was angry with me for a long time after that. We never saw each other before I moved back to Michigan. I don’t even know when we last saw each other anymore.

I could keep telling this story for hours, days. Tell every piece as I remember it straight on through 2014 and into 2015 and cancer and treatment and 2016 and George and more cancer and the worst possible conditions for a new relationship and relapse and the beginning of my current inability to function because everything was depression and exhaustion and loneliness. And on and on through five more moves and break up and emergency surgery and being thrown into the drivers seat and struggling with my mom’s health changes and selling my home and leaving everything I had for something new that was just more versions of bad. The scariest loneliest months of my life. And then the even scarier even lonelier ones after she died.

But just... just think of all that. And what if most of it had never happened?? If I’d gotten proper help a decade ago, who would I be now? Where?

Maybe I’d be there. With them.

Instead of here, alone, with nothing but memories of other times when I was also sad and life felt pointless.

I wonder what it would have been like to be there instead. I wish I knew.

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d2myg · 5 years

Text

50 questions tag

tagged by @rysiowate thank u darling!

1. What takes up too much of your time? my hyperfixations and constantly updating all my online accounts and personas

2. What makes your day better? when i feel like ive accomplished something in a day; also, getting to go to bed after a long day

3. What’s the best thing to happen to you today? i made really good tofu fried rice

4. What fictional place would you like to go to? the shire. just wanna live in a tiny hobbit house and eat and read

5. Are you good at giving advice? depends what it is about. and also, im better at getting my points across via text, so im useless at advice irl

6. Do you have any mental illness? anxiety and depression, im pretty i have some kind of executive dysfunction and maybe dependent personality disorder, but these two are just my assumptions. who knows really im broke and too anxious to go a therapist to get diagnosed lmao

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? no thank god it sounds terrifying

8. What musician inspired you the most? even though i’m not an active stan anymore i’m gonna say bts because they’re the artists i’ve stanned the longest for and grew most attached to. i think they helped me develop as a person and they’ve been there for me in tough times. but also queen, because in freddie mercury i found a queer icon and role model which is very important for me

9. Have you ever fallen in love? i thought i was in love once but looking back, maybe not

10. What’s your dream date? i think this dream date business is bullshit. as long as im with the person i like, we could be doing literally anything and id still be like yeah this is a good day. like running errands or going grocery shopping or just lying in bed.

11. What do others notice about you?

idk probably my self-deprecating humour. also i if im wearing makeup that almost always gets commented on so i guess that

12. What is an annoying habit you have? just one? lmao uhhh when im super anxious about something i just shut off and like i cant function until that thing is resolved. my brain is just like ok anxiety time lets lay in bed and cry and nap for the rest of the day. also when im not in the mood to reply to someone’s text i will literally go days without replying not bc i forgot but bc i just.. yeah

13. Do you still talk to your first love? sometimes i check up on her (on her social media) but no we havent talked for almost a year since it ended. but then, was she really my first love. idk.

14. How many exes do you have? one

15. How many songs are in your playlist? i have multiple playlists and i also follow a lot of playlists; all together there must be at least 1k

16. What instruments can you play? acoustic guitar

17. What do you have the most pictures of? travelling, i have folders of pictures since last year that i havent edited yet

18. Where would you like to go before you die? hm. everywhere i havent been yet. id really like to go to canada, also like everywhere in asia

19. What is your zodiac? scorpio

20. Do you relate to it? idk i dont really read horoscopes and idk the like scorpio personality traits or whatever

21. What is happiness to you? being content with myself and what im doing.

22. Are you going through anything right now? final assignments of the semester :)

23. What’s the worst decision you ever made? getting too attached to some people.

24. What’s your favorite store? record stores are so cool. also there’s this store in brighton that sells prints of stuff like ghibli on tshirts and tote bags. not my favourite, but i like it. i dont think i have a favourite.

25. What’s your opinion on abortion? im pro-choice. i dont think it should be a debate.

26. Do you keep a bucket list? no

27. Do you have a favorite album? sheer heart attack by queen, that shit slaps

28. What do you want for your birthday? honestly not to be shallow but some coins so i can buy myself some stuff ive been wanting to buy but didnt wanna spend money on

29. What are most people’s first impression of you? idk probably that im a bitch or that im intimidating. before i open my mouth to talk. one of my best friends told me they were scared of me when we first met.

30. What age do you seem according to most people? idk i mean no one really questions my age tbh. when i was younger people thought i was older lmao cause i seemed mature or whatever

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping? usually on my bed bc i sleep with earphones

32. What word do you say the most? uuuh……. like. when i talk i say like after every 3rd words its annoying

33. What’s the oldest age you would date? 5-6 years probably

34. What’s the youngest age you would date? ½ years max

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you? i dont talk about my career ambitions with anyone lmao it makes me anxious. my mom says i could do personal couching or psychotherapy or whatever.

36. What’s your favorite music genre? classic rock

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be? sweden sounds really nice. hong kong or singapore also

38. What is your current favorite song? hm. the iron man 3 credits soundtrack. slaps. suffragette city by culture club also

39. How long have you had this blog for? uuh i remade very recently

40. What are you excited for? goin home for the summer. also rocketman and spiderman far from home. also!!! i might be going to the rocketman red carpet so

41. Are you a better talker or listener? listener. i dont really like talking about deep stuff

42. What is the last productive thing you did? did some uni work today. actually, did a lot of uni work today

43. What do you want for christmas? go to budapest with my mom weve been planning that

44. What class do you get the best grades in? my best subject in high school was english and in college it was probably psychology

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now? idk 5/6

46. What can you see yourself doing in ten years?

dude i dont even know what ill be doing next year after my ba course ok

47. When did you get your first heartbreak? i dont think i really had one. when i broke up w my gf, its been shit for a while and i just accepted that it wasnt gonna work so it didnt really like hurt

48. What age do you want to get married? marriage is overrated and expensive next

49. What career did you want to have as a child? i wanted to be a vet also but so much med school. ew.

50. What do you crave right now? to dye my hair bc im stressed insert this is fine meme

i also tag @hamkis also @crownedbabes also @funkysapphic, @milmercurios, @freddie-jupiter, @piscesyub, @cactustattoo, @tonyrights

#anyone else can do this to just say i tagged u!#and those i tagged u dont gotta do it #eli.txt #tag game #long post

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quarterfromcanon · 5 years

Text

Next to You

Heather & Valencia - Femslash February - Day 15 - Playlist [1,550 words]

“How are you completely packed right now?” Valencia huffed while arranging ensembles along the edge of the mattress. “I’ve loaded and unloaded my suitcase three times just since you’ve been sitting there.”

“This is all routine for me,” Heather reminded her. “Davis family reunions have been around longer than I have. The specific pants and stuff change from year to year, but the basic wardrobe requirements stay the same.”

“I still don’t know how to prepare for their weather.” Valencia put her hands on her hips and considered three different shirts. "Seventy degrees for us versus seventy degrees for them could feel totally different. I don’t want to shake your grandparents’ hands with pit stains but I also don’t want to be the weird California girl who keeps shivering every time she’s under a shady tree.”

Heather unfolded her left leg from beneath her body. She stretched it across the sheets to point to an option with her toe. “That one. Open with a tank top. You can tie it around your waist if you get overheated, but you also don’t have to worry about it hugging your arms too tightly and showing sweat if you need the extra layer.”

“Thank you.” Valencia adhered to the suggestion and rolled the chosen garment the way she’d learned from a YouTube luggage space-saving tutorial.

“It’s gonna be okay.” Heather didn’t look up from her laptop, but her voice was sympathetic and knowing.

Valencia twisted the recommended tank top in her fists. “This just means being around a lot of people. Like, so many. I come from a big family too, but I’ve got a safety net there. Everyone knows that Fernanda Perez would destroy their bloodline if they went after any of her daughters. It’s one of those ‘it’s only okay when I do it’ things, but it does provide the benefit of not having to hear what my aunts really think of me. They only discuss it when we’re out of earshot. I won’t have that going for me with your relatives.”

Heather waved her hands over herself in a ‘What am I?’ gesture.

“Yes, I’ll have you,” Valencia acknowledged. “I know you’d defend me if you had to, but I don’t want that to even come up. I don’t want to be the cause of a fight on a day that’s just supposed to be happy and fun.”

“It’s going to be fine,” Heather asserted again. “Seriously, they won’t give you any trouble. The Council of Elders might creak their old bones to give us side-eye, but that’s as confrontational as it’ll get.”

Valencia shuddered. “Can we call them something else? They sound terrifying.”

“Cheaters of Death? Ghosts of Prejudices Present? Good Ol’ Fashioned Pains in the Ass?”

Valencia smiled in spite of herself. “You’re teasing me.”

“A little. Is it helping?”

“Kind of.” Valencia sorted bottles of hygiene products in a clear, rectangular bag. “What’s got you clicking away over there? And why does it require headphones?”

“Travel soundtrack,” Heather answered simply. She held one of the headphone cushions to her ear with visible concentration. “I’ve gotta switch a few around. They’re fucking with the flow.”

“For the flight?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“For me?”

“Yep.”

“Music to soothe the anxious beast?”

Heather’s eyelids crinkled at the edges. “Something like that.”

Valencia settled across the narrow vacant space on the bed. She ran her palm up and down Heather’s leg from ankle to knee and back again. “I appreciate the personalized calming technique you’re creating but, if it makes you feel any better, I honestly won’t notice whether it all blends perfectly or not.”

“I know. I just like the challenge.” Heather twitched her shoulders.

Valencia poked the curve of Heather’s muscle. “You take your arrangements very seriously.”

“‘Music is crucial. Beyond no way can I overstress this fact.’” Heather intoned while she typed something else into the search bar.

“Why do I get the feeling you’re quoting that futuristic bumper car book at me again?”

Heather leaned sideways toward the shelf along the wall. Her fingers found the third level up without looking and counted across three spines before sliding out the fourth novel over from the right. Valencia verified the author name and title even though she was already familiar and shook her head. Rant by Chuck Palahniuk.

“Chapter seventeen,” Heather confirmed. “Hit Men.”

“I’m pretty sure you have the best memory of anyone I know. It figures that line would stick since it does sort of sound like you.”

Heather winked. “‘I carry a mix for any human condition.’”

Valencia lightly slapped her hand against Heather’s thigh. “Showoff.”

They both resumed their activities until dinnertime approached. It was decided that ordering in seemed the best course of action so they wouldn’t have any dishes to do before their early bedtime. They settled on opposite ends of the couch with their legs crisscrossed atop the middle cushion.

“You said we won’t be the only not-straight people there, right?” Valencia prodded at her noodles with chopsticks.

Heather tucked a diced carrot into her cheek. “Are you still stressing?”

“Are you still surprised?”

Heather gave Valencia’s kneecap a comforting squeeze with her calves. “No. I was just hoping it’d pass, for your sake. But yeah, there’ll be at least one other couple there. My cousin Nancy came out back when she was in high school. She’s bringing her fiancée, Charlie. They won’t be hard to track down; Charlie’s hair is an even brighter red than Paula’s. It’s like the easiest game of Where’s Waldo in a group of brunets.”

Valencia nodded. She tapped her hands against the sides of the takeout box. “So which of you two is older?”

“Me by about... four years?” Heather tilted her hand from side to side to indicate a rough estimate. “I was somewhere in college by that summer. She texted me the week before to get advice. I showed up in this denim jacket covered in, like, every pride button and patch I could find. I had a pansexual pin for her in my pocket."

Valencia’s expression softened and she nudged Heather’s waist with her foot. “That was really sweet of you.”

Heather shrugged. She focused her attention on fishing out an elusive pea in her rice. “The plan totally worked because, no matter how many people noticed what she was wearing, I was always gonna be the more distracting one. It took some of the heat off Nancy and helped her chill out a bit. We basically sat on a picnic bench all day just talking and laughing, staring back at anybody who got a funny look on their faces.” She laughed quietly. “It was great.”

“All right, well, mission accomplished.” Valencia reached for her drink. “I’m at least a little excited for this gathering since it means I get to meet her.”

“She said the same thing.”

“Psh, no she didn’t.”

Heather pulled out her cell, tapped the screen, and scrolled. She turned it to face Valencia with her thumb under a message in gray.

Valencia clutched her heart. “Aww!”

Heather clicked her phone off and returned it to her pocket. “Told you.”

___

The four-and-a-half hour flight from LAX to DTW was a ride for Valencia in both the literal and emotional sense of the word. Her inner responses to their journey swooped from eager to bored to panicked and then repeated the cycle. Heather remained ever-present and attentive, able to track and accommodate whichever stage Valencia was experiencing at the time.

The digital map on the fold-down display indicated they were now flying over Michigan. Valencia couldn’t help obsessively checking every so often to see if she could spy the city below, even though she knew it would be a while yet before they were that far across the state. Heather snuggled against Valencia’s shoulder with her cell phone in her lap, set to play the collection of tracks she had so meticulously assembled. The headphone splitter was nestled in her half-open hand.

They were about twenty-five minutes from the disembark when Valencia finally got a proper view through the clouds. Her breath caught in her chest and it was at least a full sixty seconds before she became aware of the lyrics playing through her earbuds.

‘Is this the fate that half of the world has planned for me? I know I love you, and you love the sea...’

Valencia turned to nudge her girlfriend awake, but Heather was already watching her intently. They met each other’s gaze for a moment and Valencia arched an eyebrow. “Did you time it out so one of my favorite songs by Vampire Weekend would be on right now?”

Heather could not quite conceal the upward turn at the corner of her lips. “I’m flattered, V, but don’t give my playlist-making skills too much credit.”

Valencia dropped her voice an octave. “Oh my God, you’re so full of it. You’re, like, so full of crap.”

Heather fluffed Valencia’s sleeve like a pillow. “That’s a good impression. You should trot that one out at the reunion. You’ll be a hit.” She shut her eyes and sighed contentedly. “I’m gonna catch a few more Zs before we land.”

Valencia rested her cheek against Heather’s hair. She pressed a soft, discrete kiss to her forehead. “I love you, too.”

#H+V FF #CEG Writing by Me #Helencia #Heather x Valencia

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