#and surgery is too permanent for my ever changing gender )

[flowercrowncrip]

hey echo, i'm really relieved you made it through the weekend and i'm so excited for your merfolk costume! i've always loved swimming and mer and, since becoming a wheelchair user myself, i've found imagery of mers using mobility aids creatively inspiring. i may have to try my hand at crocheting an eel or shark tail blanket for halloween

what i'm really writing in to say is that i had surgery a few weeks ago, intersex reconstructive surgery (stage one) under the "guise" of gender affirming surgery (for insurance purposes!) and i haven't been able to use my wheelchair at all during recovery. the farthest i can walk is to-from the restroom, but that's very dangerous, painful, and exhausting. i may need a revision to allow me to ever comfortably and safely use my chair again - this is, in part, the fault of my surgeons for not also consulting with a durable medical equipment specialist pre-op/providing one for me to consult with, but i also failed to opt out of a choice that was bundled into the surgical package normally and, for me, is FULLY cosmetic and not essential to function.

i'm really upset with myself for making the best choice for my health and mobility, and upset with my surgeons for not properly advising me as a patient. this is fixable however, i just... have to tolerate a reduced quality of life, reduced mobility, increased risk to my health, and of course the expected risks of a person with severe rheumatoid arthritis undergoing further surgery. i talk to my surgeons this week about revision! however, i was wondering if you had any advice for dealing with... feeling so frustrated with yourself over things like this? it is so, so unlike me to make such an impactfully negative choice regarding my health and mobility, and i can't help but feel stupid. my therapist (who is a trans woman herself) is very sympathetic, but isn't chronically ill, and doesn't fully grasp how impactful this is. i can't even go outside... ):

thank you so much echo, sending you all my love

That sounds like you’re going through a lot and that it’s very raw and emotional right now, which is totally understandable.

Every disabled person I know has made decisions that have harmed them. And I really mean everyone. Sometimes we don’t know what the consequences will be, sometimes it feels like the benefits will outweigh the risks, sometimes we’re pressured into making the decision that ultimately hurts us, sometimes we don’t realise how bad it will be, there’s so many reasons

I’ve certainly done it – in small ways that lead to temporary flares and in big ways that have permanently changed my body. I’ve also made decisions that could have impacted me really badly and came away, by pure luck, without anything bad happening.

I definitely have regrets over some of those choices, but I have gotten to the point where I don’t hate my past self for making them. I hope that with time you can get there too

Absolutely nobody goes through life without making choices they later regret. As disabled people we’re unlucky that a lot of our choices have higher stakes than non disabled people, but we’re still human and we can’t expect to be perfect and always get things right. And that’s okay

It doesn’t sound to me like you chose to be unable to use your wheelchair, it sounds like you chose to undergo surgery you thought would improve your life in different ways. A lot of people – most likely me included – would make that same choice. And I’m sure there are many possible worlds where you made the same choice and could still use your wheelchair safely.

I know (albeit through very different circumstances) how devastating it is to be without a wheelchair for longer periods with no clear end in sight and I offer you all the sympathy I can. I hope you can find things that bring you comfort and interest in less than ideal circumstances. I don’t know if you want advice about coping with being unable to get out, so I won’t offer any here but I’m happy to share what helped me if you ever want to know.

I wish you all the best with recovery and whatever your next steps are – whether they include revision or not.

On a less serious note I would absolutely love to see a crocheted eel or shark tail if you make one! They both sound amazing! (Or any craft projects – I love seeing what people create)

I’m the same with being inspired by how much disability comes into the stories of merfolk – chronic pain, speech loss and mobility aid use are so tied up in them that there’s so much room for disabled imagination. (And also queer imagination!)

That’s definitely a huge part of why it’s my pride outfit, and I’m really looking forward to wearing it out. I got a rainbow bubble machine today to add some extra fun to it all!

Sending you so much love in return 💜

#echo answers asks

[crossdreamers]

This is what gender affirming health care really is

One tactic used by anti-trans haters is to disseminate false information about what gender affirming care is. This especially applies to the life of transgender kids. 

In the US the latest example of such fear-mongering is given by Brittany Aldean, wife of country star Jason Aldean, who have been thanking her parents for allowing her to go through a “tomboy” phase and not “changing my gender.” 

Billboard’s Stephen Daw writes:

Dr. Joshua D. Safer, MD, executive director of the Mount Sinai Center for Transgender Medicine and Surgery [photo below] , says that when medical intervention becomes necessary, there are a number of different procedures minors can undergo. Those who have yet to start puberty may begin their transition process using puberty blockers — medication meant to “pause puberty” for up to a year to prevent permanent physical change. Puberty blockers have long been used for cisgender patients experiencing puberty “before the medical system considers them socially ready,” he says...

“Young people don’t do too much that is irreversible. Prior to puberty, there is no medical intervention,” Dr. Safer explains. “Even puberty blockers are reversible.  In later teenage years, well-established patients may begin hormone treatment. Although there can be irreversible breast development (naturally or with hormones) or irreversible facial hair growth (depending on which hormones are being used), fertility remains intact and there is recourse.”

Let me add one important fact here: For a transgender person puberty will be experience like a “medical intervention” that causes irreversible changes to the body. So not providing a transgender youth with puberty blockers and other forms for help, is also an active choice that changes their life for ever. 

Photo: MDedge News

#trans #transgender #queer #gender confirming #health care #transgender youth #puberty blockers

[falconemuses]

Never Too Little, Never Too Late

I don’t generally like talking about myself. Oh yes, I enjoy attention, but like in the sense of putting on a performance, like if I’ve made a good feast for family and friends, or if I’m giving a really good speech. But I don’t normally like exposing any but the most banal details of my own personal life. 

However. I wouldn’t be where I am today if I hadn’t seen even one of the stories that many, many, brave souls shared about their journeys. People can belong to the same.... “group”, but have wildly different experiences. There can be a multitude of wonderful, amazing stories, but until you find the one that resonates with you, you might not get the courage. Maybe there might not even be any specific “one”. Maybe it’s a culmination of different parts, of different stories, that will finally help you figure things out. 

Anyway. Here’s hoping this will help someone, a little. Maybe.

I’m a trans man. I’m 27 years old. I live in a - not the most conservative country, but it’s, uhm, traditional enough that gay sex has just recently been decriminalised. Like.....literally last month. Same sex marriage is still banned. Never mind any trans resources. I searched. While it’s technically legal, no doctors offer gender-affirming surgery or hormones in this country. The one sentence there is about trans men in my country on Wikipedia is “There is far less information about transgender men in Singapore.” [Update: Even that singular sentence is gone now.] For a long time, I thought I was too old, too feminine looking, too poor to ever “properly” transition. 

Look at me now!

Alright, I know I’m no Huge JackedMan, but I think I make a pretty good JPop boyband member xD

I don’t have the money for any - shall we say, permanent hardware modifications, but binders and a haircut and a flattering wardrobe will run you maybe a few hundred bucks, still a significant expense but much more attainable than the tens of thousands surgery and travel for surgery will cost. I’ve legally changed my name to an obviously masculine one, that’s also a couple hundred, including the deed poll and IC/passport updates all told. Cost and legality may vary by your country. I know I’m lucky in that my voice is already naturally so low that people take me for a cis man as long as they hear me speak without seeing me, so that usually helps with pushing me over the “passing mark” so to speak. But hey, even if you have a high voice, you can always be a countertenor. (Or if you’re going in the other direction, you can be a contralto.)

My point is, even if the resources in your country are close to non-existent, even if you’re decades past puberty, even if you don’t have copious amounts of spare cash, you’re not too old, and whatever you can do (only IF you want to do it, of course, the closet is still safer in many ways and I would never advise anyone to risk their lives and wellbeing) is not too little. There is always hope. You are enough, and your identity is valid, no matter the extent of the resources you can get your hands on. Stay safe and lots of love.

#trans #transgender #transman #trans man #transmasculine #transmasc #trans positivity

[oughtnots]

wanting top surgery + too afraid to ever make a permanent change to my body + too afraid of the health problems of having surgery = i guess i could just wear a binder + im afraid of that damaging my ribs or lungs or back or etc = permanent gender dysphoria and being misgendered with nothing to do about it :')

#text post #ok to rb #this is only one of the many not-actually-problems that nonetheless plague me

[go-to-the-mirror]

I was reading Dianna Boileau's (first person to receive gender affirming surgery in Canada) autobiography/biography the other day, for school reasons, and I just got reminded of this quote I wanted to share, because it made me... really happy.

Context for it, this is a letter sent to Dianna while she was dealing with the aftermath of her friend Rosemary's death in a car accident and the subsequent legal stuff related to it. This caused her to be outed, and subsequently ridiculed and harassed by the general public, but she also received many letters in support. This is one of them.

Dear Miss Boilsaw: Just this afternoon I did what I had hesitated doing for quite a while. I phoned your lawyer, Mr. Willis. I congratulated him on winning your acquittal as I have been following your case from the sideline with quite some concern, although I don’t know you. Actually, I wanted to lend you a sympathetic hand during what must have been a terrible ordeal for you, but I thought, probably correctly, that you and Mr. Willis would not be interested in meeting a stranger at the time. Putting myself in your place, something I can do very easily, I am sure that publicity would be very undesirable. I am not interested in publicity for myself but I have written my name, address, and phone number as a gesture of my good will. Perhaps like you, whereas I am not interested in publicity, at the same time I am not ashamed nor afraid of what I am. I have some things in common with you, apart from being the same age. I am a man but have at times lived as a woman because— well why do you? Why do others? Reasons or guesses could fill a book. I am a respected citizen and I know of others from all walks of life who are this way inclined too, and I have interesting and serious discussions with them on WHY? I have also discussed this with psychologists and doctors, though the majority of them know very little about the phenomenon of transvestism. The majority of them have had experience only with those who have had trouble with the law, and as a result have pretty well only a one-sided view of this personality trait among a surprisingly large percentage of males, if the truth be known. I call transvestism a phenomenon rather than a deviation because of my personal understanding and experience about it. I confess, that if I were not a transvestist myself I would be inclined to take a narrow-minded view of these people and call them, at best, cranks. Here is a big job to educate the public. I live as a man and it is only during some of my leisure that I indulge in fancy feminine thinking. I enjoy this, and in fact it is more than just fun, and in fact if I were not interested in normal sex, I would also choose to live as a woman permanently. I know people who are doing this. Some have taken the sex-change operation, some have not, for various personal reasons. One very good reason, as Mr. Willis has said, is the very high cost of the operation. Also, one wonders, how successful can this operation be, and how much pain and confinement is involved. We know of the Denmark and Casablanca operations, and one may also have an operation in Mexico. Some of my close friends are also now in the female hormone treatment stage— under the guidance of Dr. Benjamin of New York, possibly the foremost authority on this matter in North America. His waiting room contains a constant flow of transsexuals, many of them living and working as women. If ever these patients have a brush with the law where their identity and sex are put under question, they have a letter from Dr. Benjamin which explains everything. Wouldn’t that be a help? Finally, on the feminine side, I wish to compliment you on your taste in dress. I am naturally also interested in fashion. Also, I have been fairly successful in electrolysis treatments which I have taken for a year now. Now I personally am quite content with my lot. I have a busy and productive life and enjoy helping others. Also I have now got to understanding myself— or my selves, and have a peaceful and enjoyable existence. I offer a hand of friendship to you because it may be a mutually pleasant and rewarding experience. I feel I have done my personal duty in writing to you through Mr. Willis. Give me a ring any week night, say about 5 to 7 p.m., or even later, if you like. Yours truly, John Brown

(Page 156 - 159)

I know I was reading the account of a trans woman, but it still made me feel emotions. If you want to read the book, you can find it on archive.org here. (archive.org/details/beholdiamwoman00dian).

Content warnings for sexual assault, transphobia/homophobia, police, car accidents, death, prison, and suicide.

#it's like idk. we've always been here in whatever form #transgender #pride #transphobia #homophobia #so glad i chose to do this project on dianna #bc reading her autobiography is really great #and makes me feel lots of emotions #and i wanted to share some of these emotions to the tumblr people but if i did i would have scrolled tumblr for hours i know me #landscaping your mind chapter one #uhhh obligatory pls dont be mean to me in the notes. i dont think you will im just anxious

[tiger-moran]

CW: trans negativity, discussion of transphobia. Do not reblog this.

You know I am just tired of this constant sense of alienation and exclusion from like... everything and that includes fandom and hobby stuff as well but also the LGBT+ community and every community within that I’m supposedly a part of and like how if I find something that’s inclusive in one way it still excludes or alienates me in others and like, the trans community, I feel no connection with that because on top of everything else (like the fact that there’s still massive amounts of transphobia even within the fucking trans community - there is so much not just erasure of but active hatred towards trans men, towards non binary people in general and especially towards any non binary person who is not ‘basically a woman’) there’s this idea that... if you’re not happy being trans, if you hate being trans you’re a terrible person, and shit like... you’re ‘not allowed’ to use terms like "born in the wrong body" when that literally describes the experience of many of us, and this is so fucking alienating. I am not at all saying non-dysphoric trans people or those who never experience any real negativity with transness aren’t really trans but why the hell would I ever be happy or “euphoric” about my gender when I was literally born in and am forever stuck in the wrong body, when I cannot ever change that to what it was meant to be and that is absolutely going to permanently negatively impact on what I can and cannot do in my life, and when on top of that transphobia is absolutely rampant both within and without the LGBT+ community, and none of this is going to change in my lifetime? I read an article recently talking about the raging transphobia in this (western/british) society and how going by the way the really severe homophobia of like 30 years ago has died down a lot now, there’s this small glimmer of hope for the trans community that in 20-30 years this raging transphobia will have died down too. So... not in my lifetime then. Sure I’m happy for the trans people 20-30 years from now who hopefully will get it much easier and the future trans kids not yet born who hopefully will grow up never having to deal with transphobia and will hopefully be able to grow up to easily and relatively painlessly change their bodies in any and every way they need to if they do want to do so but what about us now, the trans people stuck in this time? What about me? What about my happiness?

And I’m not saying at all that cis people experience no issues with their bodies or anything, of course many of them do, but those are like... things we also experience as well as all the issues that come with being trans. Why would I feel any kind of positive feeling about being trans when whatever I do I am going to be facing transphobia and have the wrong body? And being born in the wrong body absolutely describes my experience and it is never going to be right, it cannot be fixed - science, medicine is just not advanced enough to fix it. I would have to jump through so many hoops that I cannot jump through to get it even to a vague approximation of what it should have been and then even if I could do that it would mean endless stress and anxiety plus potentially bad side effects of medication that could set of a whole host of other issues in me plus the stress and pain and of course the risks of surgeries and then I’d still be stuck with a body that isn’t right all while still having to deal with transphobia from every direction. It isn’t fucking fair and there is no way out of this and I fucking hate it and I fucking hate that on top of that people are still spreading this inane idea that “trans joy” is something we’re all supposed to experience and we’re all supposed to celebrate being trans and that non binary genders are just for kids "playing about" and "having fun" with gender and I’m being told essentially I’m a terrible person for not experiencing any positives or “fun” from this at all and not wanting this when I didn’t fucking ask for any of this, I didn’t choose any of this. I’m not saying I hate being genderqueer or wouldn’t be genderqueer if I actually had the right body but being trans aside from being genderqueer, I don’t want this, I want to have been born with the right body and to be and have always been perceived if not as the right gender then something that is at least close to it.

And of course the fact is that transitioning in any way is basically unobtainable and impossible anyway if you’re poor, physically disabled, neurodivergent, introverted, have any mental health issues aside from gender dysphoria related ones, have no supportive family/friends. 

Also I mean... even amongst non binary people or those acknowledging that people outside of the strict male/female binary exist, I hate a lot of that stuff, like the constant erasure of anyone over the age of about 22, like ‘non binary’ being treated as some single third gender, like anyone who isn’t ‘basically a woman’ being erased or invalidated, like the term ‘non binary’ and its godawful infantilising as fuck diminutive “enby” been basically forced onto all of us while a lot of people have literally actively tried to erase the word ‘genderqueer’ from existence and have made up so much bullshit about its history (like literally referring to us as “genderslur”, like seriously claiming 'genderqueer’ was invented on tumblr within the past like 3 years and shit like that). I am genderqueer I am not non binary, non binary is not my identity, just because it technically applies doesn’t mean I like the term or feel the slightest connection with it and I sure as hell am not a fucking “enby” (and of course any time I complain about that term being shoved onto us all I get some asshole deliberately coming and calling me that, because apparently deliberately going out of your way to call someone a word they have explicitly said they hate and told you not to call them is “OMG SO HILARIOUS!!!!!!”)

Also I hate that if you hate being trans and everything that comes with it then you risk attracting the fucking truscum who think because they’re miserable every other trans person has to be or they’re not a “””real trans””” (truscum fuck off, I hate you too) or you literally get called truscum or ‘terfy’ just because being trans has caused you so much suffering and there is no way out of this situation for you and you hate that, as if that is even remotely comparable to the truscum’s hateful toxic nonsense or the vile radfem bullshit.

[idkwhatimdoing-27]

why would i spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on surgeries and hormones and other stuff to help with my dysphoria when for just $160 (plus tax ans shipping) i can get a pair of custom made high quality vampire fangs

#i have done a lot of research on like fancy custom vampire fangs #and on average they are like 160 bucks #which is not bad tbh #my mom said its worth spending if it helps with my dysphoria which is very nice and supportive #but also probably the most expensive thing that would help with that so #(i don't really want hrt cuz i have no problems with the current state of the things it changes #and surgery is too permanent for my ever changing gender ) #anyway i really love vampires and i want the vampire fangs #please i hope this is relatable #i mean the tags probably not but the post itself hopfully #anyway please rb this with your random specific non human quality that you want very badly for gemder reasons #or just agree with my fangs thing #also hope this was informative to anywho wants fangs they are typically 160 dollar #also you don't have to rb this i just hope this is informative and relatable and funny

[fawnoir]

the fact that I’ve found yet another thing that causes both undeniable (and likely irreversible) bodily harm and unmatched relief/euphoria….

#desperate for comfort #I’m 🤏🏾 close to binding again #because I actually can’t stand my body and this is something I can do to change 1…well 2 things abt it #I also NEED to lose weight #like actually. I keep half assing it and my ed thoughts aren’t going anywhere #so why not just listen to them??? fuck I’m tired and I hate this fucking body!!!!!!! #I wanna be skinny af w a flat chest but I can’t justify getting surgery ummmm #like how do I separate my body goals as it relates to gender from literal trauma that has probably permanently altered my self perception #if I had the money and resources would I get plastic surgery on my lips and nose too #would I also bleach my skin??? like I’m so scared of the answer to those questions #is me toying around w the idea of top surgery even comparable to thinking about ‘fixing’ my black features #HOW do I know and how can I ever know???? #I actually want to change everything abt this body and I’m so bitter that I couldn’t have been born into a better one #tw ed #personal

[ethan-is-obsessed]

Gender Crisis

1,478 words

I'm a girl.

Sure, dressing in “girls” clothing has never felt right and, yeah, maybe I always end up buying the most masculine clothes in the girls section of Kohls and find myself staring a little too long at the men’s shirts on display- even if they were just simple t-shirts, but I’m a girl. I was always searching for something that I could feel comfortable in but never found it in the aisles of thin, scratchy fabric covered in floral, sequins, glitter or bright colors that grated against my skin. The fabric would always rub uncomfortably against my skin, but it seemed to chafe at something deeper inside. Sure, I would much rather dress in sweatpants made for boys and t-shirts with a more masculine cut, but that doesn't mean anything. Afterall, presentation doesn't equal gender. Wearing a dress doesn't mean you're a girl and wearing a suit doesn't mean you're a boy. It's just cloth. It doesn't mean anything.

I'm a girl.

Sure, I've always hated my voice for sounding wrong, I even went mute for a few years, but that was mostly due to social anxiety. Sure every time I talk too long or sing too high I feel nauseous. I'm hyper aware of how my words and actions will be viewed. I do vocal training to lower my voice, and feel ecstatic when I can sing the low parts in songs. Permanently changing my voice sounds scary though. That must mean that I shouldn't change it. I wouldn't want to regret it. Besides,

I'm not… not a boy.

Sure He/Him pronouns make me feel frighteningly elated, but I also like “They” sometimes. Besides, pronouns don’t equal gender.

I'm not a boy..

But my name has always felt wrong. Objectively, I've always thought it was a beautiful name; very unique. It just never felt like me. Online I go by a different name that took a while to pick out. Sometimes I fantasize about people in real life calling me by my online name. Having my new name on my name tag at work, writing it on the top of all my school papers, introducing myself with it… But plenty of people change their name. Besides, the name I was given is a beautiful name. I should be proud of it, even if it sits wrong in my mouth and sounds shrill to my ears and like acid to my eyes- changing it would break my mother’s heart.

I'm not a boy.

My body is beautiful and objectively pretty. I have subtle curves, but they look nice for a girl. I have a flat stomach and a nice ass. There are girls out there that would kill for a body like mine. So why do the clothes I wear look wrong on my narrow shoulders, wide hips and lack of muscle? Why do I always feel empty when I try to look nice? Why can't I feel good and confident in a pretty outfit like the other girls? Why do I feel so happy when a shirt makes my chest look flat or when I wore my first men’s swimsuit when my family was out of the house? Why was I filled with such euphoria? But hey, none of that means I'm a boy.

I'm not a boy.

I hate my hair. I think I've always hated it. It gets shorter and shorter every visit to the barbers but it's still not short enough. Not masculine enough. I keep it in a hair tie all the time, to the point where it's left a permanent dent in my hair. Every time I have to brush it, touch it, deal with it, I'm filled with so much rage. I just want it short like those guys I see on pinterest, in class or in passing.

I'm not a boy.

The dysphoria playlist and hoodies don't really mean anything. If I was a boy, I would have known when I was young. I look at boys and wish I could be them. I watch ftm transition tiktok compilations and they fill me with hope- wait, hope for what? No, I'm just happy for them; glad they're living their best lives. Just happy… for them. They look so happy. I wonder if I'll ever be that happy.

…

My family was talking about the trans military ban at the family gathering. They don't believe trans veterans deserve the health benefits provided by the military. They say they’ll just use them for gender affirming surgeries- like that’s a bad thing. They didn't say it outright, but through their language, it was clear that trans people were “other”. They don't talk about trans people a lot. It seems they’d rather pretend they didn't exist.

My architecture teacher always uses my work as an example. I'm his favorite. It makes me uncomfortable, but it has its benefits….. He thinks trans people are predators. He thinks gay people are gross. He says people shouldn't be gay and they need help. The other kids in my class agree.

My younger cousin has been out as gender fluid for a while now. Their parents aren’t accepting; no one is. They sent them to a christain school, and put them in therapy. They’ve tried to kill themselves multiple times. They’re extremely depressed. I’m the only one who genders them correctly. I’m the only one who seems to care about them. I’m the only one who seems to believe that their life is more important than politics or internalized hate. I’m the only one who seems to still love and respect them. I’m glad I can be there for them at least. I hope they can survive to see better days.

I'm scared.

I don't know who I am. I can't be a boy, but I'm definitely not a girl… nonbinary doesn't feel right either. I've decided to just do what feels right and makes me happy. I don't need a label.

Cutting my hair like a boy doesn't make me a boy.

Wearing only men’s clothes and shoes doesn't make me a boy.

Working out to get a more masculine frame doesn't make me a boy.

Using He/Him pronouns doesn't make me a boy.

Giving myself a boy's name doesn't make me a boy.

Going on testosterone doesn't make me a boy.

Buying protein bars with “manly” packaging because it makes me giddy doesn't make me a boy.

Wishing I could replace these curves with a masculine frame doesn't make me a boy.

I'm not a boy.

I can't be a boy.

If I were a boy… if I were trans, I would lose my entire family. Would I still be able to go to college? What would happen to me? I would be judged and hunted by every stranger on the street, cashier at the grocery store, professor and student in school, every person to ever look at me. And I'd be alone in it all, because I wouldn't have a family or friends to support me.

I'm not sure how much longer I can live as a girl… how much longer I can keep pretending. Looking back, it was clear I was never a girl. I suppose I should have seen this coming, though everything is clearer in hindsight.

…. but maybe it's not all bad.

If I transition to look like the boy I feel I am, it might just be worth it.

I want to go to the grocery store as a boy.

I want to make friends as a boy.

I want to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner as a boy.

I want to wake up and go to sleep as a boy.

I want to talk, joke and rant as a boy.

I want to comfort people as a boy.

I want to work a soul crushing retail job as a boy.

I want to walk down the street as a boy.

I want to go to the movies as a boy.

I want to fail a quiz as a boy.

I want to pass a quiz as a boy.

I want to give “the nod” from one boy to another.

I want to have a cool handshake as a boy.

I want to be comforted as a boy.

I want to be a boy.

I want to be a boy.

I want to be a boy.

I'm a boy.

I'm a boy because I feel I am. I'm a boy because I say I am. Gender isn't the way you dress, speak, sound, look, or act. Gender is something you feel inside, and you can choose to express it in any way you're called to. I just hope that I can be seen for who I truly am. I hope I can look in the mirror and see myself for the first time and feel pride.

#poetry #..? #does this count as poetry? #slam poem #slam poetry #trans ftm #ftm #ftm pride #ftm poetry #trans poem #trans poetry #queer poetry #transgender #trans #trans man #transmasculine #transmasc #gender crisis #gender #bruh moment #lgbtqia #lgbtq #lgbt #dysphoria #man #boy #gay #idk how to tag this ngl #stinky poo poo #ethans shit

[bitchesgetriches]

hi aunties!! quick question: any advice on how to ask my doctor what their “policy” is for performing a certain procedure? i’m a childfree 22 afab enby and want to get my tubes tied, (insurance will cover everything except about $1250 for in-network doctors 🥳) and i do have a list of doctors available that would be more likely to perform it in case my current OBGYN won’t agree to do the procedure, which is very likely. i’m not great with knowing how to ask about certain things, and this is one of them, so i wanted to see if you guys had any advice. thanks so much!! 💞💞

Hey cutie! Weirdly enough, I have some experience with this question. While I use an IUD, my bestie had her tubes tied a few years ago and I’m her emergency contact, so I got to be around for the pre- and post-op discussions with the doctor. 

It’s good that you’ve done your research so far and you’re aware of the stigma against young AFAB people getting their tubes tied. (Quick aside: the procedure is called a tubal ligation. Doctors don’t literally tie your fallopian tubes in a knot. While it’s more invasive than a vasectomy, it’s still a relatively safe out-patient procedure that leaves minimal scarring on your lower abdomen.) You’re prepared for pushback, so it’ll be less of a shock if it happens.

Go to your main OBGYN and say, “I’ve decided that biological parenthood is not for me and the idea of getting pregnant is extremely antithetical to my life goals. Could you tell me more about a tubal ligation? I’d like to know how the process works, what the potential side effects are, and if I’m a good candidate for the surgery.” Asking for information first will a) put your doctor in a good mood, b) demonstrate that you’re not making a frivolous decision, and c) literally provide you with extra information you need before going through with it. For example: I’m a childfree woman and I’ll likely never get my tubes tied because I have an irrational fear of needles and surgery and the IUD works really well for me and my partner. The surgery is not for everyone, and there are other semi-permanent, reliable options! 

Once you receive the information you requested, you can tell them “yes, that’s definitely what I want, now let’s schedule it,” or “maybe I’ll wait a while to evaluate my options and make sure this is right for me,” or “nope nope nope.” This is very important, and I know YOU know it, but I just want to reiterate for everyone: your reproductive decisions are yours alone to make and no one, not even your doctor, should try to sway your decision based on personal opinion rather than medical fact. 

So if your doctor is like “GASP! But you are so young and will surely change your mind about having babies!” calmly thank them for the information, leave, and make an appointment with another OBGYN who is accepting new patients. I guarantee you’ll find someone respectful of your decision and timeline. Just keep your cool until you do. 

One last note: AMAB people have trouble getting vasectomies at a young age too. My husband, Bear, could not convince his doctor to give him the surgery and eventually gave up. His doctor basically said “There’s no WAY your wife won’t change her mind about having babies, this isn’t your decision to make, so I’m not giving you a vasectomy until she’s past the safe childbearing age.” Just one of those fun little ways in which patriarchal misogyny negatively affects people of all genders. 

Good luck, baby! Here’s more for everyone on making reproductive decisions and being childfree:

How To Get an Abortion 

The Most Impactful Financial Decision I’ve Ever Made… and Why I Don’t Recommend It 

On Pulling Weeds and Fighting Back: How (and Why) to Protect Abortion Rights

You Don’t Have to Have Kids 

[j-casper]

Penelope Garcia x (trans ! ftm) Luke Alvez

aka, how they got together (in Luke’s point of view)

warning: gender dysphoria, (brief mention of) transphobia

- - -

He cuts his hair for the first time with kitchen scissors when he’s eleven.

| | |

There’s something wrong with him, he concludes weeks before when his mother sat him down and told him about puberty, about the changes his body would go through.

Only—he didn’t want to go through these changes.

A nauseous feeling settled in the pit of his stomach when he realized that the thought of puberty, of the things his body would soon go through, unsettled him and, not only that, but...it scared him.

Scared him like when his father shouted at the top of his lungs at his mother when they argued.

Scared him like the time he snuck one of his cousin’s toy cars to his own house to play with it in the secret of his room.

Scared him like the time that he asked for a lightsaber for Christmas only to get his mother’s intimidating stare in response.

He didn’t have a word for his feelings beside scared, didn’t have a word for the reasoning behind his disgust for his body.

That was until...him, Matthew—his new next door neighbor with his shaggy brown hair and built form.

His parents wrote off his admiration for the new neighbor as a crush, teasing him and prodding him every time his wide, awe-filled eyes trailed after Matthew.

It wasn’t long before he realized that he didn’t have a crush on Matthew...no—he wanted to be like Matthew.

He wanted short hair and a built form and a confident swagger.

He wanted to wear khaki pants and button down shirts, along with black dress shoes and a chain around his belt loops.

He wanted a deep voice and scruffy facial hair.

He wanted to be a boy.

| | |

His fingers ran carefully through his long hair, his other hand gripping the scissors he had sneaked out of the kitchen.

It’s 12am in the morning and he’s alone in the bathroom, staring in the mirror hopelessly at the person inside.

Her...Him

Tears ran down his face as he carefully bought the scissors up to his hair, his eyes tightening closed once a strand of hair is placed inside.

Snip.

The cut piece of hair falls on his shoulder and he resists the urge to tremble, eyes opening as he gathered more hair between the blades.

Snip...snip...snip...

Slowly, his hair creates its own pile on the cold bathroom tile under his feet.

At the end, his hair is short and terribly uneven, but, for once, his head feels light.

Tears gather in his eyes as he places down the scissors, his hands gripping both sides of the sink as he stared at his reflection.

“Luke,” he whispers softly, the name he always wished he had when he learned that he would have been named that if born a boy, “my name is Luke.”

Luke allows a single tear to run down his face before he leaves the bathroom to go back to bed.

He climbs in and ignores the pink walls and dolls scattered around the room, and allows the silence of a sleeping house to lure him to sleep.

(He can’t find it in himself to regret his choice when met with his mother’s intimidating stare and his father’s loud, angry shouting at the sight of him the next day.

He’s never felt more free.)

| | |

He gets his first binder at the age of fourteen, a gift from his older sister for his birthday.

She practically has to pry him away from the mirror when he first tries it on and can only proceed to stand there, running a lightly trembling hand over his newly flattened chest.

She’s the one that reminds him to take breaks from wearing it, the words “little brother” leaving her mouth affectionately and part scolding when she does so and he almost cries.

He doesn’t think he has any tears to waste anymore after crying over his father’s refusal to respect his identity and his mother’s judging state that would follow him, silently disapproving of every choice he makes.

.

.

.

He starts Testosterone when he’s seventeen after years of therapy.

The first shot hurts but he doesn’t flinch.

He’s been waiting for this moment his entire life, even if he didn’t know it at one point.

Besides, before long he’s used to the shots and is instead left to beam in delight as he notices the changes his body goes through due to it.

His voice deepens, his body hair thickens, and he even begins to gain facial hair.

He’s happy, he realizes one day as he gets ready for the day, toothbrush stuck in mouth as he pauses in front of the bathroom mirror.

He’s so happy.

.

.

.

By the time he joins the BAU, he’s older and a bit wiser.

His name is legally changed to Luke and his gender is accompanied by a little M on his legal paperwork.

For all intents and purposes, he passes with his (permanent) flat chest from top surgery years before and the years he has been on testosterone.

He’s happier.

He smiles and beams and jokes around.

His sister jokes that he’s a lady killer, charming and flirting; yet, Luke doesn’t really allow himself to get close to anyone romantically.

At the end of the night, he goes home to Roxy and that’s enough for him...until he meets her.

| | |

Penelope Garcia.

Technical analyst for the BAU.

Self-proclaimed nerd.

A woman who sassily comments to Luke upon the second time meeting him that she has an amazing boyfriend and Luke ignores the pain in his chest at the thought of the beautiful woman in front of him being taken as he instead smiles, doing what he does best next—continues to be charming (as his sister would say) and attempts to make a conversation only to get shut down.

He tries to pretend that he doesn’t care about her cold and distant attitude.

He pretends that it doesn’t hurt with how she treats him differently than everyone else, but not in the way he wants.

He smiles despite how much Garcia’s actions hurt and he ignores the fact that a tiny voice in the back of his head nags that she knows, that she’s treating him like this because he’s trans.

It’s nothing personal, he reminds himself, recognizing a hurt individual when seeing one, but hell if he doesn’t feel like it is.

...

“Come on, newbie,” Garcia drawled as she sipped slowly on her drink, eyebrow raised playfully as she teased him, “what’s your secret? We all have one.”

Luke laughed, taking a small sip from his beer before answering, wide smile spreading to his face as he teased back, “wouldn’t be a secret then, would it?”

It was his first time having a drink with the team and his mood brightened when they all laughed at his response to Garcia’s teasing.

Luke relaxed, untensing his shoulders at the teasing, not realizing how tense he was until then.

At the thought, his eyes shot to Garcia as Rossi dived into a story, his eyes meeting hers for a split second before looking away quickly.

He turned towards Rossi, but watched Garcia out of the corner of his eye.

Did she say that on purpose because she noticed how tense he was?

He shook his head as soon as the thought passed through his mind.

There was no way.

This was Penelope Garcia and to her, Luke is just an annoying coworker and not a friend.

| | |

“Do you hate me?” He whispers one day in Garcia’s vicinity, so quiet that he’s sure that she doesn’t hear him.

They’re alone in her lair, and once again he allows her coldness to get to him despite vowing to himself not too.

Her head shoots up, her eyes meeting his.

He can’t recognize the look in her eyes.

He stands straight, hands stuffed in his pocket.

“I don’t hate you,” she admits at last, blinking rapidly and her face looking almost...offended?

Luke shook his head.

“Yeah, I figured, but you know,” he flashed her a small grin and gave a little shrug of his shoulders, his body relaxing at how genuine she looked to be.

Her eyes bored into his for a few more seconds before she hastily looked away and to her monitor.

“I don’t hate you Alvez...far from it,” she admits at last, quietly.

Luke practically beams.

Garcia groaned playfully, “stop smirking, Newbie.”

Luke laughed, dodging her slapping hand as he practically rushed out of the room.

Outside the door after shutting it behind him, he pauses, chest heaving and smiling growing wider.

She didn’t hate him.

Thank god.

...

Garcia...Penelope...is leaving.

She’s leaving.

Leaving the BAU, the team, everyone...including him.

There’s always a silver lining though.

This silver lining came in the form of Emily Prentiss, casually reminding him that Garcia would never date a coworker.

His heart seems to pause when he realizes that they’re no longer coworkers.

They’re no longer coworkers.

He might have a chance.

He steeled himself, standing up straight and remembering everything he has ever been through.

His childhood.

His family.

His life.

He catches Garcia’s eyes from across the yard and he smiles.

Now or never.

...

He asks her out for dinner, and she says yes.

She says yes.

He goes home excited, whooping out loud once in the safety of his apartment, fist pumping in the air.

Roxy jumps excitedly at his enthusiasm and the sight of him, and he laughs.

“Guess what girl? Dad has a date.”

He’s afraid that his face will soon hurt with how much he’s grinning but he doesn’t care.

He has a date...with Penelope Garcia.

...

He wears his best button down shirt paired with dress pants, and carefully he loops his belt through and places on his tennis shoes.

Nice, but casual.

Before he leaves his apartment to pick her up, he wipes his sweaty hands on his pant’s legs.

He’s ready.

...

Penelope Garcia is a vision.

She’s always a vision, Luke concludes, but even more so today now that he’s seeing her through the view of a date rather than a coworker or friend.

Luke nervously smiles, hands pushing the flowers in his hand towards her.

“For you.”

“Why thank you kind sir,” Penelope grins, gently taking them and invites him inside.

He watches as she places the flowers in a vase and he chooses then to speak, “you look beautiful” and she did.

“You don’t look so bad yourself, Newbie,” she shot back, “so where are we going?”

“It’s a surprise.”

...

The air outside the restaurant is cold.

“So, that was pretty amazing,” Luke teased as him and Penelope slowly walked to his car and he opened the door for her.

Penelope grinned, “it wasn’t bad.”

Luke laughed, “bad? glad to know that me spilling water on my shirt amuses you.”

“I mean, it did,” Penelope giggled, avoiding Luke’s playful glare.

“Woah, nice to know my humiliation amuses you, chica,” Luke moaned dramatically as he cranked up the engine, smiling widening when Penelope’s laugh grew in volume.

Without even thinking, his right hand shot out to lay on top of Penelope’s own on the armrest, causing her to freeze, laughs abruptly stopping.

“I had a really great time tonight,” Luke admitted softly, grinning.

Penelope paused before admitting just as softly, “me too.”

Luke slowly leaned across the middle console and Penelope did the same, hearts thudding as they slowly grew closer and closer before pausing, faces centimeters away.

“May I?” Luke asked.

“Yeah,” Penelope breathed out.

“Yeah?” Luke asked, smiling.

Penelope nodded her head, “yeah” before her lips crashed again his, all other thoughts but those of Penelope Garcia leaving his head.

...

“I need to tell you something,” Luke admitted after their third date, this one being in Penelope’s apartment and involving a movie and popcorn.

Penelope turned her body towards his, giving him her full attention.

He shifted nervously.

“I’m—” he trails off, brows furrowing as he tries to figure out how to word everything correctly.

Penelope’s hands took hold of his, squeezing them softly and Luke shakingly exhaled.

“I’m trans, Penelope,” he admits quietly, stomach dropping and his breath catching in his throat as he awaits her answer.

Penelope’s brows furrowed, “as in a transwoman or a transman.”

“Transman,” he admits, “that’s why I don’t really talk to my family beside my sister and her husband and kids. My parents didn’t take it too well.”

Penelope’s hands tightened around his.

“Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me,” Penelope told him at last, grinning softly.

Luke grinned back hestitantly, “you’re okay with it?”

Penelope sighed, mock offense due to him asking her this written across her face, “I love you, Luke Alvez, no matter your identity or pronouns or anything else...even if your ego is too big.” Her voice playful as she eased his concerns.

“Good,” Luke joked back, relief settling in his chest, “because I’m bisexual too...wait,” he blinked in shock, mouth falling open a little as he registered what she said, “you love me?”

Penelope blushed.

“I love you too, Penelope Garcia,” a wide smile splitting his face.

Penelope sighed, “you better, Newbie. I’m a catch.”

“Well, so am I.”

He dodged her playful slap and sprinted across the room, laughter from both of them filling the air as she chased after him.

#Criminal Minds #Penelope Garcia #Luke Alvez #Penelope Garcia x Luke Alvez #trans!Luke #garvez

[stickynotestoletters]

Yandere Headcannons BNHA

This is just a bunch of headcanons I have about the boys in BNHA and what they’d be like as yanderes. Only the really fluffy or good things about them listed here. This is not a good depiction of a real yandere and make sure to be careful to identify yandere traits in real people around you. It’s a very dangerous world and stay safe!

Uh no v serious warnings; Manipulation mentions, kidnapping mentions, and just this is a lot of heavily influenced trans reader headcanons because I’m having a lot of gender struggles rn and that’s where my headspace is atm and this is also after and or during when you’ve/re been/being kidnapped and conditioned,  a little NSFW because if I don't specify then they are aged up (around 20-25 is where I imagine the timeline that they actually captured you and have a hero carrier going for them already),

Bakugou Katsuki

This man loves you and you know it. 

If you meet him in middle school and don’t like his original persona he’s gonna adjust it around you to slowly lure you in

He wants to be yours no matter what he sacrifices and if giving up his pride is what it takes so be it

He only shows his affection through physical gifts and touch because words of affirmation are not really his specialty.

He loves the idea of you being submissive towards him even if you’re not a girl.

Loves holding your hips when you’re doing something, especially if you’re good at cooking and make him stuff once you’ve become more docile and have stopped fighting him on leaving

So if you are trans or otherwise in the LGBTQ+ community for gender stuff he will do the most to make you comfortable. Binder? You didn’t even have to tell him your measurements cause bby he already knows 

It’s who you are and he accepts that but it’s also a pride thing. 

It’s also a way he tries to gain your trust in the early stages of your kidnapping. 

He sees this as a way to prove he’s the only one out there who would take care of you and accept you so well, this also gives him more reason to tell you you belong there because of what happens to “your community”

If you think he doesn’t know before you come out to him then you’re wrong. He knows everything about you and nothing will get in the way from making you his.

He’ll only get you T-shots and other stuff like that if you promise to not talk to anyone else at the doctor’s about your relationship. 

But the best part about all this is how absolutely submissive you’ll be under his care while you recover after surgery

Izuku Midoryia 

There are a lot of things I see that headcanon Deku has a whole book on you but I feel like this boy has an entire series of books

He has taken notes on you since he met you and has a color coded system of books that detail on your beginning years too once he gets them out of your friends or family or even just you

If you met him before he had his quirk he would probably kidnap you once he got his quirk

He spent a lot of time writing how he would kidnap you if he had certain quirks

Anyways, he loves to lay his head on your stomach

He also likes it when you’re just writing or drawing and he can watch, writing things down is a very personal part of his life so when someone as special as you does it he gets all sappy and heart warmed

If you ever get the chance to look into one of his books about you and you complement him on it he will not be able to handle it

If you’re trans he will immediately start using your pronouns in the correct form

He wants to give you as much respect as you deserve so he just uses them naturally it’s just the way of things

He’s very nervous about getting you a binder, it’s just scary for him

He also goes back into his notebooks and changes your name and pronouns

He looks intensively into research about binders, T-shots, and surgery

He lets you get a binder after you say I love you the first time

Lets you get T-shots after your first year anniversary of being conditioned to be in love with him

Todoroki Shoto

So this boy is not very interested in talking to you when you first meet

It’s just he’s so scared that he’s going to mess you up and drag you into his own mess so he waits until he’s better or gets better to contact you

He loves to stare at you

Just while you’re doing nothing or asleep, especially when you’re talking though

He loves touching your hands and giving you things

He doesn’t really talk to you though and as much as he loves to watch you talk to people he just likes how quiet you are around him

He likes to make you food, even though he doesn’t know how to cook he’ll start learning for you

He’s def the big spoon no matter how tall you are around him just def the big spoon

If you are trans he’s just gonna nod it off then cuddle with you afterwards

He’s just super calm about everything

Top of the line binders and T-shots and check-ups by a special doctor that’s sworn to secrecy

Actually tracks down someone with a quirk that can modify your body permanently without surgery

But if he comes up fruitless in the en-devour (lmao) he will let you get surgery and will love how dependent and you get on him after 

You’re just so sleepy and quiet but you’re submissive and cute

Will cry if you call him babe when you ask for something and will beg you to do it more and will get you 2x whatever you’re asking for

Has to remind himself often of your pronouns in his head but never slips up when speaking to you

Kaminari Denki

Okay this man loves to touch you. Like no warning just loves to put his hands on you

Hips and thigh guy I don’t make the rules

For some reason he likes to grab and stroke up and down your bottom half of your rib cage.

Puts his legs around yours when you’re sleeping

Likes to scrub your back and take care of you in a bath, not even in a sexual way (besides bath sex and fondling turn him off because of his quirk)

grabs the little part of your hips and thigh where they connect to your but and just squishes it

Gets so flustered when you wear yellow

But loves to see you in a pastel yellow even if you don’t think you look good he’ll always say how amazing he thinks you look

Tons and tons of compliments

absolutely loves holding your hand 

Says I love you within the first couple minutes of kidnapping you

Power Bottom no matter your gender

If trans he will def go and get you a binder

Will make sure you don’t tell anyone about your relationship if you go get T-shots and stuff by holding your hand and giving you a little shock every time you get too close to saying something

Gets you tons of sex toys that help with dysphoria during sexy times (like thanks but ur a perv kami)

He doesn’t want to risk you if you get surgery so he will wait a couple years before he allows you to

Kirishima Eijiro

He actually saw you at the entrance exam for UA and he just immediately had hearts in his eyes

This boy is clingy af, if you even look away for 2 seconds he’ll start whining

Wants you to be the most comfortable person in the world

He likes the idea of you being the picture perfect little darling, cooking and cleaning and waiting for him to get home he wants you to depend on you

He needs you to depend on him! What is he good for otherwise? 

Touch starved tbh

He likes to cuddle you when you first get kidnapped, like if you don’t let him touch you he’ll start crying

If you keep rejecting him he’ll get delusional instead and will just hug you anyways

If you’re trans and you want to ask him for stuff to make you feel comfortable like a binder he’s gonna use this to his advantage

You wanna shop for a binder? Two how cuddle session and he’ll consider taking your measurements

It’s gonna be hard for him to think of the safest way to get you testosterone or other hormone injections and stuff

He’s just concerned

Will lowkey try to convince you to drop the idea but if he’s not already delusional enough to ignore your feelings and you start crying then he’s just gonna comfort you

It’s gonna take a year or two to convince him but if you become more submissive and obedient for him he might be persuaded

In the end he’ll get you surgery and other things like that but he’s gonna need to speak to 30 different professionals about this just to be 200% sure it’s the right move.

Iida Tenya

Tenya isn't the most aggressive when it comes to things but he’s very stern and patient so he’ll have a little more freedom with disciplining you

He likes to hug you from behind

He starts to slowly stop raising his hands and yelling cause he knows it disturbs you and makes you flinch, plus you listen better when he whispers

When you cuddle he puts his legs between yours cause he wants you hold you whole

He covers his engines when y’all sleep together so you don’t scratch yourself on them

Lets you paint and draw and write but only under super vision and he analysis your work after to see how you feel

Compliments you a ton

Stern in the bedroom, very daddy/dom nothing else will do

Likes to compliment you

Loves it when you smile at him

Wants you to be comfortable out of any other option

If you’re trans then he’ll be pretty much the same as Shoto

Top of the line products and binders

Will be the first out of both of you to suggest surgery

Wants to look for a doctor with many experiences before he even asks you tho

You gotta admit that he is very sweet throughout the whole process and very supportive

He will also give you a personal doctor, but he will also have to sit in on sessions and the like to make sure you’re not concocting a plan to escape or anything

Thank you for reading this! Have a lovely day and if you have any suggestions just ask! However I can’t guarantee I’ll do everything. Maybe I’ll do a part two?

#bnha #yandere bnha #yandere bakugou #yandere deku #yandere todoroki #yandere kaminari #yandere kirishima #yandere iida #yandere bakugou katsuki #yandere izuku midoriya #yandere kaminari denki #yandere kirishima eijiro #yandere iida tenya #soft yandere #soft yandere hc #manipulation but make it lofi #bnha x reader #yandere bnha x reader #soft yandere bnha x reader #yandere bnha x trans reader #bnha x trans reader #soft yandere bnha x trans reader #yandere bakugou x trans reader #yandere deku x trans reader #yandere todoroki x trans reader #yandere kaminari x trans reader #yandere kirishima x trans reader #yandere iida x trans reader

[c0rpseductor]

Read the most fascinating transphobic article just now because i love making myself miserable and it really threw me for such an enormous loop. they FINALLY invented a new type of transphobia, you guys. i am SO fucking excited.

anyway, half of it was the basic bog standard “trans people aren’t real” nonsense but highly compartmentalized - “trans people are real, but my daughter is not trans, she just THINKS she’s trans because she doesn’t understand estrogen is permanent and transition is a passing special interest of hers, and i’m an autism mommy blogger so clearly i’m an expert in everything.”

the new part that’s fun was the whole rest of it. Apparently she’s convinced that “trans,” as a category, is supplanting “nerd.” according to ms. editorial article on a website nobody cares about, everyone who would have previously been into star trek and computers is now into transing their gender for attention and belonging because the New Generation is so focused on appearances and changing their Computer Game Avatar or. Something? i don’t think this woman knows how video games OR trans people work.

the kicker for me, which you may have guessed, is the concept that being trans and having interests are incompatible. like, at all. “When they put the hormones inside you,” im sure i would hear this freak of nature warn me unsolicited were I trapped in an elevator with her, “You’re trans forever, whether you like it or not. And then it’s all over.” like being trans automatically cancels out liking D&D or something. you can’t be trans and have a PERSONALITY! the doctor gives you an injection that turns you into a really sexy marble statue. (this lady also thinks being trans is like a sex thing.) trans people’s only hobby or whatever is Trans Gender Hormone Surgery And Be Sad On Television.

it was like being inside a train wreck to read this but i’m genuinely too cracked up by the fact that this lady thinks being trans works like that AND doesn’t even really have a full grasp on what a nerd is or does. Estrogen makes your child allergic to computer. Testosterone makes your baby can’t collect magic the gathering cards anymore. what the ever loving fuck is wrong with cis people and mommy bloggers? I think it’s a disease.

[dog-teeth]

hey ezra! i'm have identified as nb/trans for the most part for the last 7 years and i still feel like i have trouble accepting that i'm trans because of fear (about my safety and being visibly queer in public/in workplaces) and because i worry that im wrong and would regret going on hormones. did you ever deal with worries like this and how did you deal with them?

hi!! yes, that’s super understandable and i have also dealt with it. its hard not to question yourself. i do it a lot. especially when there are very practical real repercussions for transitioning, like safety and financial burden. its very difficult to have to ask yourself: “is it really worth potentially putting myself through so much in order to transition?” transitioning can be so so hard for you socially, mentally, physically, financially, etc. being visibly queer is scary, coming out to people is scary, the medical process of transitioning is scary. ultimately, my transition became just an absolute necessity for me, i overcame my fears because it was necessary for me in order to live, even though i might not have realized it all at the time (esp with hrt). i was miserable, my gender was making me miserable, the way people saw me made me miserable. i felt so trapped.

before i started hrt i was TERRIFIED of doing “irreversible ““damage”“ to my body” and regretting it later on. its especially tricky being nonbinary, i felt really weird about taking the hormones that “““make you more like a man”““ a lot of which was caused by the fact that i had only really thought binary trans ppl took hrt, it wasn’t until i saw other nonbinary people take T that i realized i could do it too and it wouldn’t make me a man. but yeah doing permanent changes to your body is Super scary no matter what it is.

i feel like often when talking about transitioning, people talk about what happens if you regret transitioning. no one brings up that you can regret not transitioning, too. thinking about all the time you lost not being your most authentic self is certainly an equal grief to doing something and regretting it later. i had No idea how much hrt would change my life for the better when i started taking it. i was just fucking sick of living the way i lived and wanted to try it. at a certain point i really just had to say “fuck it!” and go for it, even though i was scared, even though i was paralyzed by the fear of doing something id regret to my body. but i figured, fuck it, if i regret it, then i regret it, and i can deal with that as it comes. now, i regret not working harder for top surgery earlier, i grieve for all the years i spent not transitioning because i didn’t have the means or knowledge. when i got my date scheduled for surgery, i broke down crying, and not a happy cry of relief, but an incredibly intense sadness for all the years i spent not being able to do this. never being able to be yourself is a very real and terrible pain, probably worse than trying something and regretting it.

transitioning is most often worth the risk. being out socially is so so rewarding when you get to be yourself in front of other people. having a body that feels like you is so so amazing. you can take it slow. 7 years is a really long time i think the chances are pretty good that you aren’t cis. but even if you are and you realize after taking hrt that you want to be your agab again, there are ways to backtrack, detransitioning is an option. you should never feel trapped or like there’s no way out. you might also want to consider starting at a low dose, so that you can back out at any point if you don’t think its right for you.

overall my advice is to be brave, take it slow, have faith and confidence in yourself, and lean on your support system whenever you can.

#ez answers #gender stuff #advice #transitioning #Anonymous

[tomhasatransblog]

My thoughts on the detransition wave

This post is going to be so long it needs subheadings

Could this happen to me??

About a decade ago there was a huge upswing of mostly afab people transitioning, and now a lot of them seem to be detransitioning. The detrans communities on here, twitter and reddit are growing quick. And these aren't just people who just transitioned socially before changing their minds, a lot of them were on T or even had surgery. And you'd think that to embark on something as massive as medical transition you'd be certain that it's what you need. So it's just really alarming to read about, because I've always been certain in my transition, but am I just going to wake up one day and start to feel like this was all a big mistake like these people did? When I learnt about this wave of people detransitioning it really scared me.

I was scared to really look at what these people are saying, fearing that I'd poison my own mind or certainty. Ideas are contagious. But I'm very glad I did, because I've seen I don't have much in common with these people. Most of them had doubts about their medical transition, and/or thought that transitioning would make them happy or solve some problem they had in their lives, and neither of these apply to me. Not to mention that the thought of ever going back horrifies me. So I'm relieved with what I found having looked into the detrans rabbit hole on here, twitter and reddit.

I kinda saw it coming

Back in the day I thought that the whole Tumblr gender ideology was questionable to say the least because I suspected a lot of these people "trying on genders" would ultimately grow out of it, which guess means detransitioning. And I objected to it because I thought it made us "proper trans" people look like a joke, like it's just a phase and not something to be taken seriously etc. I was a selfish 16 year old back then, and I don't feel that way any more. People can call themselves whatever they want, I'll call them whatever they want; I don't care.

But it turns out that it was actually harmful, in that it seems to have sucked in a lot of unhappy gender non-conforming teenagers who latched onto the happiness they saw people experiencing from transitioning, and thought it would make them happy, too. When actually it wasn't right for them, and now they're picking up the pieces while trying to reverse mostly permanent medical interventions.

These people used to piss me off, but I can't even imagine the shame and embarrassment of having to admit that your whole transition was a mistake.. and the pain of trying to reverse it. I just feel terrible for these people now.

I disagree with the court's ruling

Here's a link to a BBC article

TL;DR: no one is going to be prescribed puberty blockers any more. If you're 16+ you technically can with permission from the court, except that in practice it'll take more than 2 years before you get a verdict, at which point you'll be old enough for actual HRT at an adult clinic anyway. So no blockers for anyone any more.

Imo this is unlikely to make a difference to the number of people who detransition. If you're fixated on transition fixing your problems and making you happy, you're not going to realise that it's not for you until after you've started. Because how could you know until you've tried? That's the trend I've noticed from most detransition stories I've read anyway.

Also, having just watched the claimant's news night interview, she seems to think that the court will now be responsible for the "are you really trans" due diligence that should have been done by the clinic, in the case of those who are 16+ and requesting blockers. Which seems to be placing that responsibility in completely the wrong place to me. Why would a judge know more about that than specialist medical clinicians? What's the point in shifting that responsibility?

Conversely, if transition is what you need, and you're lucky enough to find yourself being treated by a GIC while you're still a teenager and not all of puberty's irreversible damage has happened to you yet… blockers could just save you so much anguish. I often fantasise about having transitioned early in puberty. No need for top surgery, no awful wide hips I can never ever change. It breaks my heart that this option isn't available at all any more and it just seems monstrously unfair, I'm actually quite angry about it, it seems so unjust.

But I don't entirely disagree with the claimant

She (Kiera Bell, the claimant) put out a press release which I saw in the form of a screenshot on twitter that I now can't find, and she's got a page with a lot of info here. Across these two sources she said that society's misogyny, general disapproval of gender non-conformity, along with a lot of teenage girls having a bad time with puberty/adolescence contributes to so many of them wanting to transition, and I completely agree with her there. The massive upswing in afab young people attending the tavistock must have been caused by something, and those factors look very likely to me. It also coincided with the advent of proper smart phones & social media, and I'm sure that's another big contributing factor. I think female puberty being awful (I am biased in this opinion tbf) combined with misogyny in society explains why this uptick has been mostly afab people specifically.

Although I do a bit

On a crowd justice page linked above she also criticised the tavistock's "affirmative" approach. Meaning that if you get there and explain that you're trans, you're believed, and the clinicians take steps to help you transition. That was very much my experience there, but it's not as if I and my parents weren't interrogated about my history. (Tbh I think my experience was an edge case given how old I was when I got there (17.5, old enough to be referred to an adult clinic), the fact that I had no "associated difficulties", and that I'd been socially transitioned for 10 months).

I don't know what else they would have done? Saying to my face "we don't believe you're trans and shouldn't medically transition" would have seemed absurd and unreasonable, given that I'd been living as male for 10 months, including changing my name by deed poll. There wasn't a lot more they could expect me to do to "prove" it.

But many cases are much more complex than mine, a lot of trans youth have mental health issues, or trauma in their pasts. In those cases you'd hope the clinicians would go a lot deeper, and spend more time analysing all the other problems you have in your life, to sufficiently ensure that they're not the root cause of the desire to transition. One person who features in this podcast I listened to a while ago was transitioning to try and escape the trauma of being sexually abused as a child, for example. If you've got a complex case you wouldn't diagnose them in a single appointment, surely? I'm not a doctor obviously, but that seems pretty obvious to me. You'd need to provide therapy more broad than just issues relating to gender. I just don't know, but the fact that people are detransitioning must mean that that's the case, that in some cases insufficient due diligence is done into people's histories. So I don't agree with Kiera that the affirmative approach should be abandoned, but it seems like it should be used with more caution than it has been up until now.

So in conclusion:

The existence of a lot of people detransitioning freaked me out, but I've concluded I'm not one of them

I low key saw this coming

I feel bad for people who are detransitioning

I think the high court's ruling to ban puberty blockers is hugely unfair

I agree with Kiera Bell that society's misogyny and bullying of people who are gender non-conforming causes young women to transition when they shouldn't

I disagree with her that the GIC's "affirmative" approach should be abandoned, but I do think it should be used more cautiously

If you made it to the end of this post, thanks very much for reading it. I just had a lot of thoughts about this and wanted to get it all off my chest.

#transgender #ftm #detrans #ftm uk #personal #long

[monster-noises]

under a cut cause Idk how long this is gunna be... (hint... it’s Long) CW: confusing trans stuff, surgery mention,  there’s nothin graphic and it doesn’t get Too Heavy so don’t worry

I have such a.. weird relationship with my body and my gender and change and I am so frustrated with it right now...

In case you hadn’t.. guessed from my highly unspecific cryptic references over the last few days I was just lucky enough have had top surgery on the 10th, which is something I’ve been waiting five years for and I’m so relieved it’s finally happened at least theoretically my real emotions are much more complicated and far less... elated I don’t like change, especially sudden, abrupt, change. It’s not fun, it’s hard to process, and it’s always incredibly stressful. And top surgery is a Big Permanent change to my Permanent Singular Human Body. I can’t go back now, my bodies now different than it has been from the body it was for over a decade. All familiarity with it stops here and needs to be rebuilt from 0. And my brain doesn’t care if it /knows/ it’s the right decision for my happiness long term or my quality of life, that’s!!!! too much!!! it’s too much!! I can feel nothing but looming distress and dizzying discomfort! I had.. similar fears and worries about regret and dissatisfaction just before going on T. I was /terrified/ it wasn’t going to be the right choice for me, the shaky impermanence of my identity up to that point made me worried I would start T and “phase out” of “being trans” and it would be too late (turns out, a shaky impermanent sense of identity is a symptom of being Trans and not out to yourself, who woulda’ guessed?) I would have changed (read: damage) what,at the time, was a perfectly reasonable body and I wouldn’t be able to go back. Five years on those fears seem Ridiculous, I was miserable, I was uncomfortable in my body and could not relate to it at all! And now I’m able to feel (somewhat shaky, but definitely much more present) confidence in my appearance, and the face in the mirror gets less and less foreign as that chasm that so long separated me from myself grows smaller and shallower. But I had five years to slowly adjust to the changes brought on by T as they appeared one, maybe two at a time. And only in the last year or two have they really settled into a human vision that I can call “The person I thought I would become as a child” Top surgery is much more...immediate There is not years-long period of slow steady changes until one day you look in the mirror and realize “Oh.. when did he finally get here?” it’s rapid, and all at once, one day that changes everything in a small two hour window. So suffice to say... my brain is not Elated, or relieved, or excited, or euphoric, or any of the other emotions people relate to their top surgery. Instead  have a mundane toiling knot in my gut that I’ve somehow done something very wrong. I remind myself I haven’t, I remind myself of all the things I’ll finally be able to do, the things I’ll be able to feel comfortable doing again, the ways it will make my life easier, that last tiny leap across the crack in the earth to join my body and my person, and I remind myself that “The way things have always been, they were fine, you were fine, you didn’t need this” is completely untrue, and is something we will see stronger in retrospect than we do now. I still can’t shake it though. The damnable feeling that something has gone wrong. I think that has a lot to do with my issues with change but also the fact that there is a long drawn out recovery process that has so far proven to be uncomfortable and miserable does not make the awaited feelings of gender euphoria come any faster. I think once this fucking binder is off, I don’t have tape and gauze all over my chest, I don’t have to sleep on my back and grit my teeth through the ensuing back and hip pain, and I can just live and get used to things being the Way They Are Now, the euphoria will come, just as it did with T, or when I cut my hair, or changed my name and pronouns, those thoughts of “But things are fine, sure it’s uncomfortable sometimes but you don’t /need/ to change” will be replaced with “you made the right choice, you chose to live” but I’m not there yet and if I’m being honest with where I am right now I’m.... kinda miserable in a very different way than the subtle pervasive misery of my specific experience with dysphoria but none the less I’m not... happy not yet I think I need to mourn? is that... would that be accurate? do you mourn the loss of something you didn’t want? that you distinctly felt as your body betraying you when they first appeared? that you wished you wouldn’t get, that maybe you’d be the exception and you wouldn’t have to deal with? (all very real thoughts I had as a 9 year old going shopping for a training bra) can you.. mourn that? I wish I could just.. have the text book experience, wake up post surgery and cry tears of joy and relief. say “yes please” when the nurse asks me if I want to see my chest for the first time and grin at the new beautiful home that’s been crafted for me. Feel giddy and euphoric and proud as I go through the healing process, answer every “how do you feel?” from caring friends and relatives with an earnest “fantastic!” but instead I have a quiet murmured “not yet” to a now slightly confused nurse, no smiles, no big celebrations, an ever building tension about the final reveal, feigned enthusiasm when responding to the texts and phone calls (though I don’t have the feign too much, I can be truly enthusiastic about the fact I am in almost no pain, which has been brilliant, thank you body, for that at least). A disjointed experience that I don’t understand. It’s all very... isolating. And I feel like I can’t talk about it because it’s not dripping with the expected celebratory tones, it’s not even like... just a quieter experience, it’s genuinely kinda sad. And how do you talk about that? how do you expect people to react to that? “Hey everyone! I got this thing I’ve been waiting over half a decade for at long last! but I feel like shit about it right now! come back in 2-4 months when I’ll have settled into it and we can celebrate then!” That’s a great way to invite people to try and talk to you about things that they don’t understand and you don’t know you can explain even to people who Might. I’m worried about my final reaction to the big reveal, which will probably be tomorrow as I take the binder off to wash myself as best I can without gettin’ the gauze wet. I have a feeling I’m not going to react at all, I’ve never been one for big emotional reactions even without all the weird other shit going on, but I would like to feel... something. Ideal, some kind of joy, okay.. maybe only some kinda joy, I think breaking down crying would suck pretty bad. Regardless, I’m not looking forward to my big reveal moment reaction being a Neutral Head Nod. At least I won’t have to perform it for anyone. Being trans is weird and hard and I want to crawl into a cocoon for the next six weeks please and thank you.

#monster noises