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taikk0 · 1 year

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im crying ive been lurking your blog today after being curious enough to check your tumblr after constant watching of your videos on youtube and always thought how professional and clean your animations look and thought you were like oh idk 20+

then i stumble a post of you saying you're 15 and i 😭 💗 WHAT DO YOU USE TO ANIMATE PLEASE ANY TIPS FOR LIL OL 19 YR OLD THATS CURRENTLY NOT GOING TO COLLEGE BECAUSE OF WORK AND WANTING TO PRACTICE MY CRAFT BEFORE GOING AT IT *kneels and slowly merges with floor like melted plastic*

THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE I'VE MET WHO THOUGHT I WAS 20 IS SO FUNNY IM SORRY IM FR JUST BLENDING IN WITH ALL THESE TAX-PAYING CITIZENS LIKE IM OUT HERE IN A BUSINESS SUIT GOING "HOW DO YOU DO FELLOW ADULTS" AT THIS POINT

but fr tho I'm flattered I can't believe someone would assume I'm at that level already 5 years in advance thank you 😭😭

as for what I use to animate I use Krita!! here is a tutorial I used to learn how to set it up + how Krita's animation feature worked:

youtube

Though this tutorial covers a lot of useful information and an animation tutorial, I do urge you to learn about the software itself in your own time. (VERY IMPORTANT TIP: if you don't understand how something works, or if you want to do something in the program but have no idea how regarding the tools it has to offer, it doesn't hurt to do your own research! I learned that the hard way unfortunately, and I hope other artists don't suffer the same fate. REMEMBER! DON'T BE AFRAID TO GOOGLE!)

and with animation tips I do have a few things I'd be happy to share

I made this playlist to help my boyfriend get into animation. What's special about this playlist is that I made it not just about how to make individual drawings move, but also videos that explain how and why individual design philosophies and decisions are made and how you can learn to use them to your advantage. I also added some videos in here that cover shot composition and storyboarding, since I figured that most animators strive for skill in more than one field. This playlist is still a work in progress and I'm obviously bound to add more in the future, but just know that most of the videos put on here are either videos that I think are REALLY helpful as an animator who wishes they had that kind of help in their beginner years, or videos that DID help me in my beginner years way back when.

The playlist is a bit short but quality over quantity amirite? Next up is a playlist that helped spark my love for animation and pushed me to pursue it myself: the Skribble Kibble series!

Not everything in this playlist is an animation tutorial, but I highly recommend it for someone with an untrained eye. This series has inspired me not only because it covered animation; a medium that I was already interested in, but also awakened my love for analysis when it came to visual mediums. what it does great, what it does poorly, what makes something unique, and what makes something the way that it is, and explaining WHY.

Animation Tip : Learn to observe! not just in life, but in other animated media as well. ask yourself questions, and break things down. try it out yourself and experiment! heck, go frame by frame if you have to! learn to learn!

which brings me to my next source: FramebyFrame

This account has been AMAZING. It's informative and presents visual guides. It's a great place to start when you want to train yourself to analyze animation in the moment. I always think of it as some sort of game, They always play the animation first before they show the breakdown, try to spot as many cool animation tricks as you can, and see how many are mentioned! They also recently did a breakdown on RotTMNT which I find to be super neat :]

Mikyomix's Personal Animator Tips (Great or Unhelpful? You Decide!):

wanted to make this it's own section because I had no idea how to properly fit this all in so it goes in here

Study first! I know this sounds super lame but I promise you it will save you so much suffering. It's better to already have a grasp on animation and its fundamentals before you actually start animating. I've gone into the pitfall of having really crap animation skills, feeling bad over it not looking right, going into a pit spiral of self-doubt, while simultaneously not putting in the effort to learn why it didn't look right and how to fix it. It took me a good while to sit down and actually learn everything before I officially started and had more confidence in myself to fix my mistakes and learn from past projects. I already mentioned it earlier, but again, don't be afraid to take notes and whatever information you find to be useful!

Pick your animated projects wisely! Listen, I know it's tempting to do that music video you always dreamed about with your not-so-simply-designed OC. But personally, I advise steering away from large-scale projects and animations that require more than your current skill level if you're a beginner. I know it sounds harsh, and I'm not telling you to give up on your dreams or anything, but just know that animations like that might be more than you bargained for, and could result in burnout and a final product you might not be proud of. You could easily tire yourself out if you're a beginner learning as you go, and I understand that many people actually advise it for the learning experience, but in my personal experience, it didn't really end well. LOTS of unfinished projects, time sunken in on something that I no longer wanted to finish, bad memories associated with the project, etc. Of course, everyone is different and you might not experience the same things I did, but just be aware of the cons. Instead, I highly recommend you-

-Design and create at your own personal convenience! If you're a beginner, I advise you to go simple. I know not everyone is interested in the bouncing ball or the flour sack, but there's no rulebook that says you're prohibited from designing a simple character to animate! Not everyone starts out the same way, and that's completely valid, I first started animating my furry OC's and I'm sure other young animators started in a similar way, animating the things they want! though there was one thing that I did keep in mind, and that was I designed my OC's to be easy to draw over and over again. easier for me to animate, and easier for me to draw them consistently. So if you're first starting out, don't be afraid to simplify! remove minute details if you have to. You can figure it out later no pressure! Just animate things because you want to, not because you have to. and that includes the tiny details that would be difficult to keep track of as a beginner. This is a bit of a smaller point that didn't need its own thing, but while you're at it, learn effective character design! not just for aesthetics and narrative purpose, but also for functionality.

Remember that you are not obligated to practice the old-fashioned way! Not everyone finds animation exercises fun, and that's okay. But whatever you choose to do, putting everything you learned into practice, IT STILL COUNTS AS PRACTICE. Every little animation you make counts no matter how short or unfinished it is, and your efforts deserve to be praised. why? because you're learning little by little and it is still very valuable! despite how small and minute or large and noticeable the improvement in animation quality is, you're still making strides in learning to be a better animator than you were before. Don't listen to what those old geezers say, you do you! animation is supposed to be a labor of love and passion. and being forced to do something under the obligation that its "industry standard" is frankly, baloney.

Animation Stuff (THE JUICE.): shorter stuff that also deserves their own section

12 FPS is great for beginners

Ease-in's and ease-out's are your BEST FRIEND

Timing Charts. you might not be inclined to write them properly, but it's useful if you're jotting things down. use them.

PLEASE. LOCK YOUR LAYERS WITH FINISHED ANIMATION WHEN YOU DON'T INTEND ON TOUCHING THEM FOR A WHILE AND YOU'RE WORKING ON A SEPARATE THING ON THE SAME PROJECT. I'VE LOST. SO MUCH...

Don't be afraid to mix tweeting with frame-by-frame. Sleepykinq tweening isn't the only form of tweening + tweening is great if you want to keep something consistent. Though if you want to go frame-by-frame with the convenience of tweening but without the visual integrity of tweening, tween on one layer as a guide and animate on top, so it's still frame-by-frame.

Unlimited layers? use them. Is a certain part of rough inbetweening giving you trouble? make another layer and animate it on there if you don't want to mess with the main roughs, then merge it down.

More frames does not equal smoother animation, it risks making it look slower. work with the FPS, not against it

Name your layers. save the tears.

Anyways, PHEW that was long. Sorry about that, I just have a lot to say about animation. I'm not NEARLY qualified enough to actually teach animation, nor am I linguistically intelligent enough to get the points I want across (I think). But I really hope that you and a few other people found this to be helpful.

I wish you the best of luck ^^

#i feel like my writing is slowly starting to improve omg #i like. genuinely think writing is fun but i dont think im competent enough FJDHFD #this was a post about animation why am i talking about writing in the tags #but uh YEAH #thats it ty for reading #animation #animation tips #animator #animators on tumblr #taikko asks #taikko talks 2 much

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shhh-no-ones-home · 3 years

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memories of a younger generation din djarin x reader

+++++++++

christmas request info can be found here

prompts:

"You may not remember me. I was a child." "Yeah, well, I shut everybody out. Don't take it personally. It's just easier." "You're the reason that I got this far."

Song: spirit in the sky my norman greenbaum

tag list: @cynic-spirit +++++++++

i sat in the corner of the cantina, watching those around me intently. it had been a while since id come home to Tatooine and i was beginning to regret the decision. i was taken from here after all but maybe that was a good thing. i looked up as the door opened, noticing a Mandalorian walk in with a pod following close behind him. i raised a brow as i took a drink, not recognizing the signet on his armor.

when i heard him ask for something from the waitstaff i became more intrigued. surely that couldnt be who i thought it was but the voice sounded all to familiar, even now as a grown up. i listened intently to him as he asked for information. he was searching for more like him. i almost couldnt believe what i was hearing. i stood slowly, walking to him as the waiter left.

"youve come a long way."

i said, standing at the edge of his table. he looked up at me, one hand on his waist.

"do i know you?"

he asked and i pulled the cloth down away from my face.

"you may not remember me. i was a child when we met after all."

i watched as he tilted his head to the side, his small green friend looking between the two of us.

"our paths crossed on mandalor, a long time ago."

i said. i was so sure it was him.

"y/n?"

he asked and i smiled.

"you arent wearing your armor."

he noted and i sighed, moving to sit across from him.

"i had to leave it and the guild behind. the empire was taken down but i could risk being hunted anymore."

he sat back in his seat.

"what are you saying?"

i looked to the waiter as he came back with a bowl for the little one.

"oh is this your guest? my sincerest apologies madam hunter. i didnt know you three were together, may i get you anything? on the house."

i sent him a stern smile and nodded.

"oi-oi puffs for me and my friends. no rush."

i said and he scurried away.

"madam hunter?"

din asked and i laughed, shaking my head.

"ive kept imperial troops out of town for nearly a decade. ive regretted every day of it but it keeps me in good favor with the locals."

i paused, motioning to him.

"youre the reason i got this far."

when he went to speak the waiter came back with the plate of deserts, bowing once before leaving. i looked back to din, offering him one but he just stared at me.

"you are not the same youngling i remember during our training."

he said and i laughed a little to myself.

"always so sure of yourself din djarin. i most certainly am not the same as i was but maybe thats a good thing. working in the guild made me stronger but we both know ive always been pig headed when it comes to authority."

he laughed a little back, shaking his head. i looked to the table as the small one climbed to the middle, sitting down and shoving a puff in its mouth.

"you are right on that one y/n, you were never good at listening either."

i smiled at that, watching the baby consume another puff. i leaned into the table, folding my hands together under my chin.

"and you were the one to always listen. maybe thats why we worked so well together."

i reminisced for a second, looking back to him.

"ive missed you, din, ive missed our times together. oh the trouble we couldve gotten into over the last ten years."

he shook his head.

"im not like that anymore."

i sent him an amused look.

"you never really were in the first place, i on the other hand-"

"mando!"

i heard from across the bar, my hand immediately going to my blaster as we looked to them.

"you dont belong here."

he said sternly, raising his chest. din stood up to match him, getting closer to his face.

"no?"

he challenged.

"no, and i think you need to leave. you take that thing with you when you go. i know about you and we dont need trouble here from you and your kind."

i stood up, pushing both of their shoulders back to separate them, moving in to look at him fully. his eyes went wide when he realized who i was.

"i think its you who needs to leave, friend."

he opened and closed his mouth a few times.

"huntress."

he said a little surprised.

"he goes, i go. and i dont think you all would survive a harvest without me."

he nodded quickly.

"yes madam hunter, my apologies. i didnt know he was with you."

i let him go and he bowed his head before walking to the opposite side of the bar, sighing in relief as he sat amongst friends. i looked to din.

"maybe its best we finish our business somewhere else."

i suggested and he nodded, placing a few silver pieces on the table for the food. i walked with him outside the cantina, the people around watching us intently.

"do you always draw this much of a crowd?"

he asked and i laughed, nodding to a few townsfolk.

"i dare say having you with me doesnt help, but im a namesake around here."

he nodded once.

"i see a lot has changed."

i looked back to him, opening the door to my hut and offering for him to enter. he looked around as he stepped down into it

"no they havent, we just havent been in contact since i got lost on that swamp planet. which i dont appreciate by the way."

i watched as he sat at my table, the pod moving in close to him.

"i thought you were dead."

he defended and i rolled my eyes.

"clearly."

he leaned forward.

"hey, if you wouldnt have been running around-"

"i lost the ship!"

i interjected, laughing at my own stupidity.

"what?"

he asked a little bewildered.

"yeah, i forgot where we had landed and by the time i had found it back there was nothing but scorches in the grass. it did take me two days to find it back though so i get why you left."

he sat back and hummed to himself.

"well im glad you found your way home."

he said and i looked to the table solemnly.

"right, home."

he tilted his head.

"is something wrong?"

i shook my head no and stood up, walking to the kitchen for a drink.

"no, it just hasnt felt like home in a long time."

i heard him stand and i turned back around to face him.

"ya know, once upon a time you used to tell me everything."

i snorted.

"Yeah, well, its been a long time. now I shut everybody out. Don't take it personally. It's just easier."

he sighed.

"to bad things cant be the way used to."

i sent him a knowing smile.

"if only."

there was a long paused and i looked up to him again.

"what are you doing here anyways?"

he cleared his throat.

"im looking for more like us, i have to get this child back to its kind."

i crossed my arms over my chest.

"so you finally found your quest."

he looked back to the child sitting in its pod staring at us.

"i have."

i nodded once.

"alright, ill help."

he looked back to me surprised.

"what?"

i swallowed.

"ill help. you know nothing about this planet and the people in this town trust me. its the least i could do for an old friend."

i walked slowly to the child, running my finger tips over its ear and hearing it whine.

"besides, im sure you could use it, being a single dad and all."

he sent me a look, even with the helmet on, i could tell he was glaring.

"i am not a single dad."

i laughed, picking the kid up and seeing it smile.

"yeah, sure."

#wattpad #x reader #din djarin #mando #the mandalorian #star wars #imagines #one shots #291

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brainfarts-com · 4 years

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I want to get this out of my system. Not like anyone gonna see it, but have been bottling it up for years and not let go of it. My parents know the person but dont know the damage. The only person who knows it was damaging, doesn't know the full story. No one knows but me and it has been eating me away from the inside for 7 years. And still no one else will know it, but ill have it down, giving myself a chanse to get it straight.

I changed schools after the 4th grade. My mom didn't like the teachers there so she brought me to a better school. Which was absolutely fine, I missed my best friend a lot but it was a great school with amazing teachers and classmates. Exept Luca. She was something else. She was strong willed and strong worded. She always got exactly what she wanted. Her parents spoiled and phraised her non stop. And she made that everyone elses problem. On my first day in school, I remember her smiling at me... and the next thing I remember is that I was in her friend group (which meant two other girls). It feels like I completely blacked out a few months. From there it was downhill. When I got there, I was an ambivert at least - loving attention, spending time with people and very much a people pleaser. She used that up against me big time. She lowered my self esteem to zero, made me believe I was average, but at least worse in everything than her. She ordered me around like a puppy. It got to a point that I made fun of myself just to entertain her- because I knew that was what she wated to hear. She made me fear her- but I didn't know why I was afraid of her. Thats what got me out of it. I sometimes tried to ask her to stop, because I did feel uncomfortable and like this isnt normal, but it never worked. She said shed change, but after a month she was the same as ever.

After two and a half years I broke down in tears to my mom and when she asked why am I afraid of her, I realized how unrealistic I was. The next day I didn't go to her. When she was standing behind me, shouting my name, I didn't turn around. I was shaking while she said: "pah, it must be one of her tantrums". I didn't sit with the table they sat in, I asked the girl I admired instead if I can sit with them an her table group was surprised, but nice and let me sit there. The rage on her face... That I could betray her... She asked me what is my problem, I said: I just want space... I was shaking so hard. Ever since in stressful situations and confrontations, I shake uncontrolably. Her answer was not nice, bit the best I could wish for- she didn't want to interact with me anymore.

The faces of other people... some even gratulated me and offered to help. The girl I admired said I could hang with them if id like. Thats when I realized, how nice classmates I have. Before i was separated from them by Luca, who made everyone a bad guy. But now they accepted me, talked with me, joked with me. Even tho I became a lone shark most of the time, but I got a lot of support from them. They probably didn't even notice. But that didn't last too long.

Less than two years and high school started. I had no idea, how to interact with people, so I did the same as before. Lone shark, helping out with school stuff. But now that didn't work well- my new classmates didn't care for me, just to get what they wanted. They even made fun of me, sometimes with talking with me like im an idiot, while I helped them with homework and help them on tests. But I was naive and frankly, I had it worse with Luca, this was way nicer than before, so I didn't think much of it.

A miracle that I got a friend. She was nerdy and she was the butt of the jokes as well, but that wasn't why we became friends. We liked the same youtuber. A few months and we were inseparable. But that didn't magically teach me how to be friends with someone. So I did the same as before- listened and acted the way I thought others would like me to be. That was what Luca trained me to do. That was not my friends fault, but it ruined the friendship. Slowly I became empty with no energy to act. I became snappy and quiet, which made her distance herself from me. Later we talked it out but at that time, it was the worse. I had nothing going on, no stimulus, same thing repeating, smiling to teachers and roommates and that empty feeling inside.

At that point, I was barely alive. For years, I told myself: if I wouldn't have friends and family, I wouldn't be worth living. I did not realize, how fucked up that mindset was. Now I didn't have friends, my days became even blanker and acting became harder. I couldn't laugh at a video I found funny- god, I remember that balloon one, I thought: hah, thats funny, but not a chuckle, not a smile, just the thought. And still, I didn't realize what bad of a shape I was in mentaly. I was suicidal, but not outright, the thought made itself normal in my brain, like it is an everyday thing to think of.

My only chill time became YouTube. I didn't have to act while watching. Than I found undertale there. I knew the story and the characters so well while ive never played the game, but I loved it. Once it recommended a let's play of it to me. The thumbnail was pretty and upon seeing how long the video was, I simply said I'll click away if I get bored.

It hit me like a horse kick. My face showed genuent expression for the first time in years. The sheer energy of it, the thing I lacked for years. Only the intro caught me, the happy guy who said it- I binged the whole series. And than went on a Jse channel binge. It was amazing, it gave me life, it made me want to draw more, it gave me the will and energy to live. Soon his and Mark's videos became the thing I awaited the most in a day.

Now I remember, it was half a year after watching them that I became snappy. Because they were nice and they didn't ask me to be someone else. Sean said in so many videos that "you are worth it", and he said so many encouraging words along with Mark that I started to believe them. The way I went about it later with my friend was not good tho. Neither of us adressed the problem, we just... avoided it.

Months went by. I started to heal a little, but also got too attached to both of them. It was unhealthy, I know, but they were all I had who didn't judge me. This was the time when my relationship with my mom started to go down. I didn't meet her high expectations. I started to stand up for myself and told her I don't want to be a dentist or a psichologist. She only realized i'm serious when I didn't get into any college. I took a year off, but she still tried to push me. No matter how many times I told her, she gently manipulated me into going along. Or so She thought. I went on the exams she wanted me to, but I failed one. I didn't put effort in, because I didn't want the goal. And that finally made her accept that I want to be a kindergarden teacher. To this day im listening to "you could have been blah blah", but I dont care.

In that off time i grew a lot. I found the jse community. I stopped being dependant on their content. I started to heal for real. I slowly built myself an ego and expand myself. The things I should have done years ago, when I was a kid. When I was taken that chanse away.

Luca. She made my life so difficult and I dont think, she knows it. I could bet that she didn't see herself damaging. I bet she still doesn't see that. But... that doesn't change anything. It doesn't give me back my lost time. It doesn't matter. I ended up how I am now because of her. While it was a tough road, there are things that I wouldn't be the same without her. I wouldn't have the community. I wouldn't have the friends I do now. I wouldn't be the same, the me I worked so hard for. Of course, if she wouldn't intervine, itd be easier. Probably, who knows. I think it would be. But moarning on it won't change it. I have set my motto to be "Don't worry about the things you can't change, it only causes you more stress", but I havent applied it to this situation.

It is time to do it. It is time to let go of those bad feelings. Of course thats easier said than done, but I have the power to it. I allow myself the time to do it. She is my past, a past that shaped me but doesn't define me.

It is time to be unapologeticly me

#past #whow #that ended up long #but it feels good #its out #i have put those feelings into words #something more concreete #now #i can move on

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azurera · 7 years

Text

I know you are supposted to get one in your askbox. but guess what. i dont give a shit, and i’m bored as fuck so i did them all. my memory is shit atm so i dont remember some answers to some of these. and my grammar is shit but do with it what you want. g’night ya’ll ~

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? more milk, because i can always drink the extra milk, the other way around you would end up with dry cereal and thats just bleh.

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? no

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? everything i can find. most unique thing is probably a 10 Gulden bill (very old dutch currency before the euro)

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? I trow as much crap in my coffee as i possible can, sugar, milk. more milk than coffee. give it to me cold, add alcohol. i dont give a shit. thea is just nice to have a little suger thats it. let me enjoy the flaver itself.

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? 9/10 times probably yeah

6: do you keep plants? since a few weeks i sometimes get flowers, so you could say i kind of own plants some times.

7: do you name your plants? i should

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? i scream into the void

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? no, because i sound terrible

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? side mostly. or when im really tired my back. usually not my stomach because .. well.. boobs.

11: what's an inner joke you have with your friends? if i had friends.... no idea tho. i have so many jokes, my life included.

12: what's your favorite planet? PLUTO. VIVA LA PLUTO. the little rings on saturn are also nice. shit this could have been a nice opportunity to make a uranus joke..

13: what's something that made you smile today? i didnt

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? lots of pillows

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! 99% of our soular system’s mass is the sun

16: what's your favorite pasta dish? i dont know. but those swirly things are cute.

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? every. colour. at. once.

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. i try to stack those memories far far away.

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? i dont

20: what's your favorite eye color? i dont have a favorite eye colour. but i love eyes that look like space nebulas.

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that's been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. i bought a nice leather bag on castlefest. its very usefull nice and small but it can fit more in it than you think.

22: are you a morning person? if by morning you mean still awake at 4, then yes.

23: what's your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? lay my dead body to rest on my couch and cuddel with my cat

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? probably not

25: what's the weirdest place you've ever broken into? my own house? i dont really break into places.

26: what are the shoes you've had for forever and wear with every single outfit? i have to many shoes man..

27: what's your favorite bubblegum flavor? the really over the top fruity onces

28: sunrise or sunset? sunset, (becouse im not a fucking morning person)

29: what's something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? im thinking of to many things at once and yet nothing comes up.

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? way to many times.

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. i only own black socks, becouse then you never have the problem of looking for a pair. sometimes im all for socks, i wear them even when i take of all my other clothes just becouse they are soft and then i wear them to bed and they magicaly disappear. but since i wear dresses a lot i also wear panty’s and stuff. so its not always socks.

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. usually that invloves a lot of alcohol. which means that i don’t really rememeber a lot. (which is also probably for the better)

33: what's your fave pastry? pie

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? i think it was a little lion called simba. and im sure its in a box somewhere.

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? yes i love them. but i dont use them a lot becouse a) not many people write me letters and b) i could. write them first. but obviously im a lazy fuck.

36: which band's sound would fit your mood right now? i just really prefer silence right now.

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? i like keeping it clean, but we all know thats not happening.

38: tell us about your pet peeves! i do not know right now. i think

39: what color do you wear the most? black.....

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what's it's story? does it have any meaning to you? the 3 things I always wear are a ring my grandma got me, a ring my mother bought for my 18 birthday that she switched her old wedding rings for. and a mjolnor necklace. I just saw so many people with one. and i really wanted to have one aswell, but not just any, so i went and looked all over this fantasy event and i’ve honestly seen every single mjolnor necklace they had, and then i picked this one.

41: what's the last book you remember really, really loving? the girl on the train was a nice book (the film a little less) it was just nice to have a book that i could go through quickly.

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! not really

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? god its been to long...

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? i still wish for this day...

45: do you trust your instincts a lot? mmmaybe

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. i can not make one up right now. i need to have the righ feel in the right moment.

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? PINAPPLE ON PIZZA, PINEAPPLE ON PIZZA, PINEAPPLE ON PIZZA

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? death. yes.

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? I only own a few CD’s, and a few LP’s the last one i think was a supernatural christmas cd thing.

50: what's an odd thing you collect? those prayer cards with the picture of the person, you get at a funeral. i have quite a lot of them, so you could say i collect them.

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? suddenly

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? i like the “you cant xx if you don’t xxx” memes. those make for some good jokes. other than that i make my own memes, fresh and local.

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? only parts... i should watch them shouldn’t i..

54: who's the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? u know who u are.. im sorry..

55: what's the most dramatic thing you've ever done to prove a point? i secretly moved out in a pretty dramatic way to prove my mom that i couldnt go on like that...

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? when they shut the fuck up

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? i do not feel like listening to it now, thats how its making me feel.

58: who's the wine mom and who's the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? im both.

59: what's your favorite myth? nice people are my favorite mythical creatures.

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? im not really into poetry tho, but sometimes there is one thats just nice, discribing beaty in such a subtle way, that i like it.

61: what's the stupidest gift you've ever given? the stupidest one you've ever received? i don’t give stupid gifts. people either get something epic from me or nothing at all. go big or go home.

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? ive been drinking this strawberry/apple/ bananna juice stuff sometimes, makes me feel like i try to be healthy.

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? i keep them in an organized mess (just like my life)

64: what color is the sky where you are right now? its a lovely gradient of light blue/white/ to a bit darker blue.

65: is there anyone you haven't seen in a long time who you'd love to hang out with? so many people, i suck at being social.

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? ALL THE COLORS

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? sometimes its nice to stare out of the window on those days.

68: what's winter like where you live? shitty

69: what are your favorite board games? i like playing monopoly and slowly see the light dissappear from my friends eyes. or cluedo you know, murder.

70: have you ever used a ouija board? no

71: what's your favorite kind of tea? its this one thea they have at the cinema, the pink one. the rosy stuff. its so good.

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you'll forget it? i should note it down. but then i forget to read it. so yeah, ill mess up either way.

73: what are some of your worst habits? i tent to complain a lot, becouse i always hope it will make me feel better when there is to much going on in my head. but sometimes i just keep going, and i dont even know how bad its getting, and i probably pull myself down into some negative spiral and well then we’re fucked again.

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. you fucking pancakes.

75: tell us about your pets! MY CAT IS THE MOST ADORABLE LITTLE SHIT, HE IS SO CUTE. AND LOVES CUDDLES. AND HIS FLUFFYNESS IS. i can keep going forever.

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren't? its getting pretty late. i should sleep.

77: pink or yellow lemonade? mmmpink?

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? i hate them.

79: what's one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? im trying to think of one. but my memmory is shit atm.

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? just white. makes it look bigger.

81: describe one of your friend's eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. NEBULAS

82: are/were you good in school? soommeeetimessss

83: what's some of your favorite album art? I do like GACKT his album art tho. the costumes he wears are nice.

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? i have been thinking of this design of a music G thingy that looks like a cat. its really cute. but i cant even commit to where i put a sticker let a lone where to put a tattoo.

85: do you read comics? what are your faves? i have quite a lot of constantine comics, to satisfy the fact that the series quit after 1 season.

86: do you like concept albums? which ones? no idea

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? stonehenge appocalpyse

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? not sure

89: are you close to your parents? *crying sounds*

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. i love all cities except the one i live in. Im such a slut for older building and architecture. old gothic churches man. oh my god.

91: where do you plan on traveling this year? france, for sad stuff, and i hope to see my german potato this year <3 if i can make it...

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? SMOTHER THE FUCKER IN CHEESE.

93: what's the hairstyle you wear the most? just long, straight now. or either in like a clip. when its to hot to have it all down.

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? i saw on my calander at internship that one collegue had his birthday today.

95: what are your plans for this weekend? convention staff meeting on saturday, looking into something for sunday..

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? *hysterical laughter*

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? no idea, leo, huffelpuf

98: when's the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? in germany i think. to long ago. i love mountains, and walks, and beaches.

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. PIANO’S

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? 5 years into the past to kill myself. :”D absoluutly.

#blep

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robinhoodrevisited · 7 years

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Escapes Aplenty (pt.2)

Locksley Manor. Main room. (Gisborne sits at the table and pours water into a goblet while chewing. Isabella comes downstairs.) Isabella: (Shakes her head:) “I never could wake up before you. How did you sleep?” Gisborne: (Picks up the goblet.) “With one eye open.” Isabella: (Chuckles, pulling out a chair.) “If we’re going to work together, we must learn to lower our guard. (A maid sets a box on the table. Isabella sees the cut on the back of Gisborne’s left hand. She inhales sharply.) Looks painful.” Gisborne: (Flexes his hand.) “It’s a scratch. I’ll be fine.” Isabella: (Gently:) “Here.” (Isabella holds her hand out, palm up. Gisborne looks at it as the maid goes upstairs. He relaxes and puts his hand in hers.) Gisborne: “So... (Isabella examines his cut.) How are we going to convince the Prince to step aside?" (Gisborne drinks as Isabella reaches for a bowl and picks up a cloth. She sighs.) Isabella: “I’ve decided to speak to him for you. Tell him you have proof against him that will make it impossible for Prince John to take the throne. On one condition. (Gisborne looks up. Isabella looks at him.) I need you to apologise.” Gisborne: (Puzzled:) “Apologise? (Looks away briey, frowns.) What for?” Isabella: “You know what for.” Gisborne: (Shakes his head in disbelief:) “Isabella, you tried to have me executed, I’d say we were even. (Looks to her:) Very well. (Clears his throat:) Had I not arranged your marriage, we would still be living in some godforsaken corner of France without a penny or acre to our name.” Isabella: “Better that than to have been with him. Besides, look what you’ve become.” Gisborne: “It is not my fault that you failed to make the best of your chance. (Isabella frowns and picks up a bottle from the box, thinking.) Speaking of chances, (Isabella pours a bit of the bottle’s contents onto Gisborne’s wound.) I say we work out exactly what it is you’re going to say to the Prince.” (Isabella replaces the bottle in the box and works the liquid into Gisborne’s cut with the cloth.) Isabella: “I was thinking... maybe I should just drug you and hand you in to him myself.“ Gisborne: “What?” (Isabella drops Gisborne’s hand and crosses her arms.) Isabella: “I was willing to forgive you, brother, once and for all... but you don’t deserve my absolution. (Gisborne looks disoriented, groans and tips the empty cup towards him to look inside.) Oh, no, no. It’s not your drink. (Gisborne looks up and Isabella shoves his hand away.) It’s your wound. (Gisborne’s head nods forward and he slumps to the table with a groan.) Straight into your bloodstream. (Isabella pulls Gisborne’s hair aside, then picks up the bottle as the maid comes downstairs.) Concentrated valerian root. (Gisborne’s head lies on the table, his face pale.) Enough to knock out a horse. I doubt Lord Sheridan would have thought of that one.” (Smiles.) Maid: “What about the Princess?” Isabella: (Looking down at her brother:) “Let her sleep in, she’s had a terrible shock. Besides, (Thinks:) until I know which horse to back, it’s always best to have options.”

Nettlestone. The edge of the village. (Robin runs in from the trees and into the doorway of the first building. Two horsemen, who were hot on his trail, gallop past him. Robin watches them go, then draws his sword. Sheridan peeks out from around the back of the same building, his sword out, and creeps forward.) Robin: (Mutters at the passing soldiers:) “Idiots. (The dog handler, with quiet dogs, follows Sheridan. Robin steps out from his hiding place, sees the horsemen are not stopping, and steps out into the village, appearing not to check behind him. Sheridan silently comes up from behind and starts to reach for the sack, but Robin senses he’s there, turns around and holds his sword at Sheridan’s throat, and Sheridan simultaneously does the same. They pause a moment, then Robin steps back. Sheridan comes down with his sword and Robin pushes it down with his. Sheridan spins around, Robin catches Sheridan’s free arm coming in for a punch and brings his sword under and up to push away Sheridan’s arm. The sack goes flying. The dogs growl, go to and sniff the bag. Sheridan and Robin hold their swords at each other’s throats again.) You taught them well.” Sheridan: “Better than you.” (Sheridan swings his sword over Robin’s head. Robin ducks, then stands up. They both point their swords at the other, ready. They circle each other. Robin spins his sword over his head; Sheridan copies. Sheridan spins and Robin does the same.)

Robin: “You taught me to love the King, not lie about him.” Sheridan: “I gave the King the best years of my life, and do you know what he gave me in return? (Sheridan stabs at Robin, Robin blocks and swings back; Sheridan blocks. Robin kicks and Sheridan blocks with his hand. Robin swings and Sheridan catches his arm and swings his sword around. Robin somehow blocks and twists Sheridan’s arm down, but Sheridan holds him firmly and puts his sword to Robin’s throat. Spitefully:) Retirement. Too old to train his knights, and good for nothing but looking after his jewellery!“ (Robin pulls himself free. They circle each other. Marian runs into the clearing, having heard the fighting.) Robin: (Points at Sheridan with his sword:) “He entrusted you with the crown because he loved you!” Sheridan: “Then why didn’t he keep me by his side?! (Sheridan steps forward and swings his sword overhead. Robin parries twice, blocks twice, then swings the sword over and across with Sheridan’s. Robin blocks, then Sheridan spins the sword behind his back to his left hand and swings across in front of him. Robin ducks. Sheridan swings with both hands from overhead. Robin kneels in front, holding his sword at both ends to block.) Is that the blow of an old man?” (Robin continues to hold his sword up a moment longer, then pulls it away and punches Sheridan’s chest, then swings his hilt into Sheridan’s chest again. The old man steps back, catching his balance and his breath.) Robin: “So that’s what this is about, is it? (Angrily:) You gave up on your country for your vanity, for your ego?!” Sheridan: “If the King cared about the country, he’d be here! But he isn’t!” (Sheridan charges Robin, who blocks and swings Sheridan’s sword aside. Robin shoves Sheridan’s shoulder. Sheridan falls on his back. Robin steps over him and puts his sword at his throat.) Robin: “Your time is past, old master.” Sheridan: “It still is my time. (Four crossbowmen and four swordsmen come out of the trees or from behind the building. Robin looks up at them and realises he is surrounded on all sides. Two swordsmen pull Robin off Sheridan.) Leave him! He’s mine. (Sheridan rolls over and sits up.) Just like the crown.” (Sheridan stands, out of breath, his sword out.) Marian: (Running Forward:) “Stop! (Holds her hands up and comes to a halt facing Sheridan.) Please, don’t kill him.” Sheridan: “Get out of the [roars, swiping his sword at her] way!” (Marian does not relent. Sheridan keeps walking forwards and she backwards.) Marian: “You’ll have to kill me first.” Robin: “Marian, don’t.” Sheridan: (Looking at her exasperated, not about to kill a woman, he lowers his sword. Breathlessly:) “Ah, Marian is it? (To Robin:) The girl you pined for every day of your training? (To Marian:) Well I can certainly understand how he felt, my dear. (To Robin:) Out of respect for a good student, I will not kill you. (Stronger:) But you shall never see England again! (to guards:) Take them to Hull, put them on a boat, one way. (to Robin:) Farewell, Locksley! (Sheridan nods to a guard who thumps Robin on the back of the head, knocking him out. to Marian:) Think of it as your honeymoon.” (Robin and Marian are dragged away, as Sheridan examines the crown.)

Locksley Manor. Ground floor bedchamber. (A maid comes into the room. Gisborne lies unconscious on the bed. He is gagged and his hands are tied over his head to a point on the wall. The maid walks around the bed to open the window, looks out, then turns to receive a punch to the face, knocking her out. Clarke grimaces and shakes her hand as she turns to free Gisborne.) Clarke: (Shaking him:) “Hey, come on, time to wake up. (Begins to untie his hand:) Some protector you are.” (She leans over to untie another knot and Gisborne’s eyes fly open.)

Sherwood Forest. (Two mounted guards lead Little John down the road. His hands are tied together and tethered to a horse’s saddle. They make their way slowly down the road. Will shadows them in the trees. When Little John looks his way, Allan comes out from behind a tree and mimes falling to Little John. Little John, full of resentment and anger, mouths back “What? No!” to him. Allan runs to keep up, and motions again, larger. Little John realises he’s not going to give up and rolls his eyes. He starts moaning in pain and stops. The rope pulls him to the ground.) Guard 1: “You!” (Dismounts.) Little John: “Oh, my leg.” Guard 1: “Get up now!” (Will runs ahead with a large stick for a weapon, intending to come up behind the second guard.) Little John: “My leg’s gone. You’ll have to carry me. (Pats his knee.) My leg.” Guard 1: “On your feet, I said!” (The guard pokes him with the sharp, pointed end of his banner.) Little John : “All right, all right, all right!” (Little John gets up. Guard 1 hits him on the back with the pole. Will hits Guard 2 with the stick and pulls him off his horse. Little John takes the pole from Guard 1 and punches him with his tied fists. Guard 2 takes Will’s feet out from under him, giving himself time to stand. They both get up. Guard 2 draws his sword and faces Will as Little John stabs the butt of the pole into Guard 1. Guard 2 brings down his sword. Will blocks with both hands on the stick, but then Guard 2 knocks it away with another blow. Will steps back from Guard 2’s first swing, ducks the second and comes up wrapping his arm around Guard 2’s neck, choking him as Little John surges forward and stabs him with the banner point. Will throws Guard 2 aside, then holds his hands out at Little John.) Allan: (Running over:) “Nice work, lads.” (Little John drops the banner.) Little John: (Allan unties Little John’s hands.) “What are you doing? Risking your life, no weapons?” Will: “Saving you.” Little John: “Then you’re fools.” Allan: “Ha! Maybe, but we had no choice. (Starts to bend down to drag off the guard, then stands back up.) Hey, we’re your family, right?” Little John: (Silent a moment, then chuckles.) “Yeah, you are.” Will: (Excited:) “Let’s find the others.”

Locksley Manor. Ground floor bedchamber. (Isabella leads Prince John into the bedchamber.) Isabella: (Brightly:) “I wanted to give you a personal coronation gift from me.” (Goes to the opposite side of the bed.) Prince John: “So you bring me to your bedchamber?” Isabella: “I give you my brother... (Reaches for the sheet covering the body... Proudly:) Guy of Gisborne. (Isabella pulls off the sheet, revealing the maid, bound and gagged in Gisborne’s place. Isabella is shocked. Meanwhile Gisborne steps forward from his hiding place and grabs Prince John from behind, with a knife in his hand across the Prince’s chest.) Guy!” Gisborne: “Get back!” Isabella: “Guards!” (Two guards run in and are immediately dealt with by Clarke who wields a table leg in her hands.) Gisborne: "Look what you’ve done to me, Isabella. You betrayed me. (To Prince John:) Both of you! By the way, your niece has something to say.” (Gisborne nods to Clarke who steps forward.) Clarke: “I’m back. And I know you conspired to kill my father.” (Clarke hauls off and punches her uncle right in the nose.) Prince John: “Ow! Ooh!” (Grabs his nose.) Clarke: “I swear on his memory that you will never become King!” (Gisborne pushes Prince John into the bedpost, which he takes nose first. Clarke and Gisborne run out the door and Gisborne pulls over a shelf onto the door frame, blocking the guards as items clatter to the floor. The guards, now recovered, scramble to push it back.) Isabella: (to Prince John:) “Are you all right?” Prince John: “Guards! Arrest her! (to Isabella:) If I’m disfigured for my coronation...” (The guards each grab an arm. Prince John runs out.) Isabella: “Sire!”

Road to Hull. (Two guards drive a wagon with a tall cloth cover over the back. It rumbles quickly through the trees.) Inside the wagon. (Marian and Robin sit tied and gagged back to back. Marian faces the front and Robin pounds his feet repeatedly into the rear door of the wagon. Eventually he breaks a plank free and then reaches to his feet to untie them. The guard notices the silence.) Outside the wagon. (There is a loud bang, which the guard notices.) Guard: “Stop!” (The driver stops the horses. The guards get down and draw their swords. They stab into the wagon just above the wood sides several times while making their way to the back. They look at each other and agree to open the door. The wagon is empty. Behind them, Marian and Robin step out from their hiding place and knock out each guard with a broken plank from the wagon’s floor. Their deed done, they throw the pieces of wood on the ground.) Robin: (Looking lovingly at Marian:) “We make a great team, my love.” Marian: (Smirks:) “Did you really pine for me every day?” Robin: (Defensively:) “No. (Marian beams at him, wraps her hand around the back of his head and pulls him in for a deep kiss.) Well, maybe every other day.” Marian: “Come on, we’ve got a long walk back ahead of us.”

#bbc robin hood #robin hood #lucy griffiths #jonas armstrong #keith allen #lara pulver #toby stephens #joe armstrong #richard armitage #anjali jay #harry lloyd #sam troughton #gordon kennedy #eliza taylor

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lostandbrokenshell · 5 years

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Darkest Before Dawn Part 10

Farcry 5 fanfic. Rated M for Mature language and sexual reference. No pairing or plans for smutt.

“So, i know its been said. I just need to hear it again.” You say from the back seat.

Sharky laughed hard and turned to face you from the passenger seat. “Yup, a cougar, named peaches. I shit you not that crazy old lady trained it to attack peggies.”

“A cougar? Fucking damn. And its trained?”

“Sure is, she has the prettiest eyes to! Ones blue the other is brown. And if you think thats cool, the fang center has a grizzly bear named Cheese Burger that will eat from your hand. He likes cheese burgers, but hes got diabetes now.” Hurk added in from the drivers seat. He pulled over and you got out.

“Sure about this dep, we can help you still.” Sharky said.

“Im good, I need to draw Faith out, find Burk. She apparently doesn’t hurt people, so im not in physical danger.” You say.

“Faith, is a different kind of scary! Just before this all happened i ran into her at the gas station. I just looked at her and then gave her twenty dollars. I don’t even know why, i just gave it to her. That bliss messes with your mind dep, it can get really bad.”

“I get that, but thats why we need to find Burk. Less time in crazy bliss land, then i need to get Hudson.”

“How you planning on finding her?” Hurk asked.

“Well i heard she talks to you when you come into contact with bliss, the more the high the more she talks to you sooo.... I was think I should go roll around in a bliss field and have a good time.” Sharky and Hurk both looked unconvinced of your plan. “Look i know its a stupid plan, but i need to know myself what im dealing with. Its not the best fall back that shes ‘adopted’ family, still not sure how that works for me? Or that she hasn’t really hurt anyone herself yet? But im going to give it a try, because i think the sooner we can stop this, the better.” They looked even less convinced.

“What if giving faith the slip is harder than giving your brothers the slip?” Hurk asked.

“Keep shaking peggie trees until another deputy falls out.” You say with a shrug.

“Ok. Same deal as last time one week. Then its peggie pain day.”

“Sounds like a plan! Im going to roll in bliss field over yonder.” You say as you nod towards the bliss flowers. They still looked unconvinced but nodded and started to pull drive away. They reminded you of two gay dads dropping their daughter off on a date. They knew it was a bad idea, but had they had to let you make that mistake by yourself. You head over to the flowers, they where very pretty, if they where not so druggy they would be garden worthy.

Grabbing a handful of flowers you kneel down and take a big breath in. Instantly you feel it hit, the world starting to flicker and move and you felt so light and happy. Like all your worries washed away and warm fuzzy feeling covered you like like liquid sunshine.

You hear a soft giggle “Thanks for coming to the bliss.” Faith said warmly as she took your hands and gave you a small kiss. “Ive been waiting for so long to meet you!” She helped you up and spun around in circles with you.

Everything was so beautiful. So many butterflies and jackalopes all around you it was so peaceful. “You seem so nice.” You say softly. “I don’t understand why you do this.”

She stopped and smiled warmly at you. “Im only trying to help people, im only trying to help you, Joanne.” She spread her arms out and wings sprouted from her back she flew up twirling. “We can all walk through Edens Gate together!” She said as she stopped a burst of butterflies butst out from around her and surrounded you.

“Call me JoJo.” You say while loosing your self with the butterflys they where so pretty you felt as though you where floating with them. Light and fluttery.

Faith came back and grabbed your hands. “Come with me!” She said warmly as she flew away with you. “I heard John started calling you JoJo when you where both little.” She her voice made you feel so happy, you wanted to listen to her talk it was so smooth and silky.

“He had problems saying ‘Joanne’ so he called me JoJo instead. For the longest time he was the only one to use it, then my adopted parents started to call me JoJo. I liked it, i like it more than Joanne. Mark use to joke around and call me Mojo Jojo” You say, it felt so good to think of them. “I like you Faith, maybe its the bliss maybe not. But i cant allow you to harm people with my brothers, i will work as hard to stop you to.”

Faith lost her smile for a second. “Im not harming anyone, im savings them. When the collapse comes they will be safe with me, to walk through Edens gate.” Her demeanor shifted down slightly. “Its ok to be scared, but we’re here for you!” She said gently. “Walk with us through Edens Gate.”

“I’ve never let my fear stop me from doing what I believe is right, I certainly don’t let it drive me either. Im not going to be a part of Edens Gate. But Faith, i can be here for you to. This doesn’t have to be your path either, we can on still be on the same path still. I just cant be on the one you’re on right now, innocent people are dying.” You say, Faith pulled back slightly letting you go. You hear another voice softly talking and look around and see Burk. He was shuffling around talking to himself there was so many butterflies around him. “Burk?”

He looked over to you. “I can see it now, we where wrong, so wrong.”

You start going over to him and Faith tried pulling you back. “Hes happy here, you can be to, join us.” She pleaded.

You moved so slow, you felt like you had cement shoes. Your whole body was fighting you as you tried to get to Burk, he was heading to white iron gates. Everything in your head screamed at you to get to him first.

“Stop it! Leave him alone, hes happy here.”

You ignored her and pushed your self harder you had to get to him, you had to stop him before the gate. “Burk, please.” You say as you get closer.

“Its coming, its coming. They are right, its coming.” He mumbled.

You pushed your self harder and reached out grabbing him just before the gates, you hear Faith scream at you. There was a green mist that exploded from around you both and the world went black.

When you came to you could hear lots of yelling and shuffling slowly you sit up, you where back at the jail. You could see a bunch of people around Burk, he had a gun. “You don’t understand” he pleaded. “Its coming, we shouldn’t of started it.” Hes eyes where searching everyone’s, he was trying to make a connection.

Shit, you think. Your head hurt, you felt nauseous and your body felt like a giant sand bag. You where in no condition to handle this, and you had seen that look, behaviour to many gimes before. “Burk.” You say softly. His eyes snapped to you. “I understand what you mean a bit. I mean, that stuff is great feels great, i want to live in it to. But its not good for us, its bad for our health.”

“Thats not what i mean.” He yelled as he pointed the gun at you. A few people had to move out of the way so it wasn’t pointed at them. “Its real, the collapse. They’re trying to save us. Im not safe here, none of us are.”

You put your hands up and slowly, a little bit slower than you wanted, bliss come down was painful. “Ok, talk to me about it.” You say softly, slowly getting up.

Burk shook his head, it looked like he started crying. “No.” He whispered. “You won’t understand.” Before anyone could react he put the gun to his head and pulled the trigger.

You felt like you where kicked in the chest and everyone was frozen in place. “Dammit.” Whitehorse whispered. “Alright, we did the best we could. Lets.... Lets clean this up and move on with it.” He said. Slowly everyone started moving again and he looked over to you. “You did good, you brought him back. That bliss, Faith. It got to him, theres a point where its to much, i need you to be careful out there.”

“I will be, i only went into the bliss to find him. I wont again, I promise.” You say as you close your eyes and slowly lay back down. “I think i need to sleep more of this off.” You say quietly.

“Take all the time you need rook.”

#darkest before dawn #farcry 5 fanfic #oc #farcry5 #seed family

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haeroniel-doliet · 6 years

Text

dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more.

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya.

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else.

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah.

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds.... ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other.

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks)

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!) anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until. yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...) ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess)

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade.

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh.

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.)

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me) but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that....

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that.

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it- idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk.

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first) i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” )

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it.

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is?

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully.

#tf when youre your own therapist #hah yeah thanks tumblr for being my digital diary #cringey enough and private enough it may as well never be read by anyone #but still if some crazy dumbass read it all theyd know me all too god damn well #but its not like...anyone ive mentioned will ever fucking read it. even consider to #aka #if you stumble past this #i guess you can assume its not abt you #ugh #this didnt even help that much #time to try option c #ignore everything and numb it with some rad youtbe videos for another 4 hrs and crash asleep at 5 am and everything continues to be bad #but like bad tomorrow #sorry this was a vent post #a very long one over 6000 words #i am SO sorry if youre on mobile and the readmore didnt work

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