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themagnuswriters · 3 years

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Asexuality in Fic Roundtable - What We Like

How do I write a convincing asexual character in a fic? Is there a way to address a character’s sexuality outside the context of sex or coming out? Can a story feature a character's asexuality aside from exploring the negative aspects of the asexual experience? It’s usually not too hard to find lists of what not to do when writing asexual characters, but much more difficult to find the opposite.

The asexual members of The Magnus Writers discord gathered to discuss their favorite ways to incorporate the day-to-day details of asexual peoples’ experiences into fiction. We also discussed depictions that we’ve enjoyed in the past, or would love to see more of. Note that this isn’t an Asexuality 101 resource, so if you don’t feel familiar with the basics, feel free to check out the resources we will link in the reblog of this post.

This conversation included a variety of ace-spectrum people from multiple countries, including both arospec and non-aro people, various genders, and varying relationships to sex and sexual content. Just like all asexual people are different, the things that we enjoy reading are far from universal. Some tropes/details brought up as favorites can vary widely--for example, “innuendo completely flies over their head” vs. “they understand but are completely unfazed by innuendo.” Additionally, some aces love tropes that others would prefer to avoid: for instance some enjoy discussions of physical boundaries to be included in the fic, and some prefer that to be established as happening in the past.

The examples brought up in our discussion are also far from comprehensive, and can be seen as the beginning of an endless list of possible ways to write asexual characters. Some examples given are specific to the Magnus Archives, but can apply to any writing. Take these as inspiration and a way to broaden your understanding of who we are and what we like to see!

ASEXUALITY IN YOUR SETTING

When writing a story including asexual characters, one of your first considerations may be for how asexuality is contextualized within your setting: Is it fully normalized and accepted? Does it reflect real-world stigmas? How is asexuality treated by the narrative and the other characters? Contributors showed interest in a variety of approaches on this front, with no single approach being worth more than other:

Fics including negative real-world experiences

These would include fics in a realistic setting, where characters may struggle with internalized acephobia, stigma, social pressure, microaggressions, dysphoria, and so on. This isn’t limited to just “issue fic,” where the focus of the fic is about examining and confronting a struggle, but rather encompasses anything that includes this consideration in its worldbuilding and characterization. While brighter settings can be refreshing, contributors described reasons why this kind of fic appeals to them:

Feeling seen: Reading about ace characters whose experiences reflect their own

Feeling validated: Being exposed to only stories where there are no issues on this front can feel like we’re the only one facing these struggles. It can be extremely cathartic to read something and think “I thought I was the only person who went through this.”

Exploring improvement/hope: From ace characters learning to accept themselves or other characters making mistakes and accepting correction, these can be validating and encouraging.

On top of ace readers finding worth in these fics, the act of writing the fic can also be very cathartic for many ace authors.

There is a lot of variety for how these fics can be written, such as:

Stories that focus on the negative experience

Stories where that experience is just part of the setting or characterization

The character(s) getting external support and validation

The character facing mixed dismissiveness, acceptance, prejudice, etc. from different people

The story resolving in a way where the situation is resolved: for instance, cutting off an acephobic relationship, or someone apologizing for a microaggression.

Stories where well-meaning characters are accidentally insensitive about asexuality, but learn better and change their behavior

The character confronting or overcoming an internal struggle

Stories where the issues aren’t fully resolved by the end, such as an insecurity not fully going away.

Negative asexual experiences don’t have to be the focus of a fic to be acknowledged. While “issue fics” that closely examine and explore these experiences are valuable, contributors also described enjoying stories that included them as simply an element of the worldbuilding or characterization. For instance, a story may reference Jon having bad past relationship experiences; facing assumptions that he’s having sex if he’s in a relationship; having moments of insecurities about his sexuality; etc.

Please note that writing negative ace experiences needs to be handled sensitively; fics of this type should definitely be tagged appropriately. For brief references, consider including author’s note warnings on the appropriate chapter (e.g. “asexual character assumed to be having sex”). Having an asexual sensitivity reader--particularly one of a type that corresponds with what you’re writing (i.e. sex-neutral, gray-ace, sex-repulsed, etc)--is very much encouraged.

Fics where asexuality is normalized

In contrast, there is just as much interest in stories that avoid all of these issues, and fully normalize asexuality. Contributors described how they enjoy stories where ace characters are allowed to just exist, without big important conversations or small othering details that depict asexual identities as less than fully accepted.

These can be included in any type of fic, but a few of the suggested details for how to normalize asexuality in a setting include:

A character being already out and accepted: For instance, Martin already knowing about Jon’s asexuality from early seasons.

Characters in the fic already knowing what asexuality is without needing it explained to them

Having more than one character be asexual: We aren’t confined to writing only canon characters as ace! This not only goes the extra mile in normalizing asexuality, but it gives the chance to include more of the ace spectrum.

If you’re aiming for asexuality to be normalized, please consider whether it makes sense for your asexual character to be anxious about coming out or discussing boundaries. There is a world of difference between someone responding to an ace character coming out with “I fully support you” and responding with “you’re an idiot for thinking we wouldn’t support you.” This is a common and easy pitfall to fall into, but the result is often less escapism and more a message of “your struggles aren’t real, and you’re stupid for thinking they are.”

Asexuality in Metaphor

Some contributors mentioned wanting to read settings where asexuality itself is normalized, but the issues facing aces could be explored on a metaphorical level. This falls somewhere in between the ideas of realistic or idealized settings as regards the ace experience, and could allow that exploration with a layer of distance. Ideas relating to this included fantasy settings with different kinds of magic.

PERSONALITY AND CHARACTERIZATION

The experience of being asexual isn’t something just limited to a relationship with sex: it can be shown in many ways, such as how a character relates to themselves, other people, media, and society. Like any other queer identity, it affects many aspects of our lives and informs a great deal about us as people. These little details don’t even need to be presented in a blunt “this is because this character is asexual” way--they can be little relatable notes for your ace readers, while not coming across in a “this is how all ace people are” way.

We’ve seen the question “how do I write a character as asexual, if I’m not planning on having someone ask them for sex or writing a coming-out scene?” many times. Our contributors were excited to share a wide variety of ideas for this from things they’ve read, written, or experienced:

Ace confusion

Not to be confused with the infantilizing “doesn’t know what sex is” approach, this could involve things like:

Being confused over what sexual attraction is: difficulty defining what they don’t experience.

Difficulty describing to others what lack of sexual attraction is: this is their default, and it can be difficult to contrast it to what they don’t experience.

Thinking that others describing sexual attraction or interest is just exaggeration

“Wait, that’s what you mean when you say ‘hot’? I just thought it meant they’re gorgeous.”

“You mean meeting someone and being instantly sexually interested in them is a real thing, and not just a movie trope?”

The Absurdity of How Society Views Sex

The jarring dissonance between asexual experiences and the norms in society and media can cause a lot of alienation and dysphoria in aces, but often it hits a point of feeling like a joke is being played on you. Contributors offered ideas for how this could be illustrated through a character:

Reading “How to Spice Up Your Love Life” articles out of pure morbid curiosity

Taking the most ridiculous Cosmo sex life article as How Everyone Thinks (and being concerned)

Having an allo friend or partner they can ask about whether any of it is legitimate advice (this one was brought up by a lot of people as a common ace experience)

An ADHD/autistic character getting a special interest or hyperfixation on societal views on sex or sexual practices, and pursuing it as purely a matter of research with no interest in participating

“Why do they keep bringing up ice cubes? Georgie, stop laughing, I am a researcher and a scholar.”

Needing to teleport out of the room if a sex scene comes up in a movie

Not minding the sex scenes, but needing to make fun of them or point out impracticalities

“On the beach? But sand is everywhere? Wait, they think getting sand everywhere is hot??”

Being baffled at what’s considered sexy: for example, Jon being baffled at “wet clothes are sexy,” having grown up by the beach and associating them with being terribly uncomfortable

Of course, asexual characters don’t need to be framed like they constantly need to learn about things from allo people--sometimes the reverse can be a fun twist. One reversal, for example, could be an ace person helping their allo friend parse whether their attraction to someone is simply sexual or also romantic.

Aces vs. flirting

While not specifically connected to sexual attraction, how a character interacts with flirting can very much demonstrate the asexual experience. Contributors discussed a variety of their own experiences, and details they’ve enjoyed reading for ace characters:

Having difficulty distinguishing between different kinds of draws to people--is it romance? Friendship?

Having difficulty picking up on whether or not someone is interested in them

Failing to realize they’re flirting or being flirted with

Enjoying flirting as just a fun thing to do without any particular goal (a popular suggestion for a Tim ace headcanon)

Casually flirting but then backing off if it becomes “real”

Several examples were given of scenarios these could be used for Jon:

Jon’s dry prickliness stemming from wanting to avoid people thinking he’s flirting or showing interest in them, not being sure where others judge the line between “flirting” or “being nice.”

Jon deciding he is going to make an effort to be more friendly to people, and awkwardly starts showering others with compliments; some of them interpret it as flirting and it’s very confusing.

Jon (or Martin) being overly dramatic or romantic when purposefully showing interest in someone, drawing from a basis of books or media rather than social experience.

Aces vs. hotness

We might use the word “hot” excessively, but ace people often have their own understanding of the word (and are often surprised to learn what others mean by it). Contributors brought up the following ideas for this area:

Using “hot” as an expression of “gorgeous to look at,” and being confused to learn that others use it as a sexual expression.

Engaging with “are they hot” conversations based purely on aesthetics, or other impressions like “would they give good hugs.”

Focusing on seemingly random physical details, like wrists or eyebrow shape, over more commonly sexualized ones.

Being confused over the criteria others use for hotness. Example: Jon’s reaction to “the hot one” comment.

Finding fictional characters not represented by a real person “hot” (e.g. from books, podcasts, video games with bad graphics, etc)

Using the words “hot” and sexy” for completely nonsexual things. Several contributors described being told they couldn’t be ace if they called anything hot/sexy, and then doing it more out of spite.

Being completely unfazed by innuendo or sex/nudity: For example, Jon’s calm response vs. Martin being flustered at Tim stripping

This is also an area where a story can establish the nature of their relationship with those around them: if a character is comfortably out as not being interested in sex, for instance, you can show that others around them support that by making their conversations more inclusive. For example, a “fuck, marry, kill” game with modified categories, or a “who would you have sex with” conversation changed to a “who would you have dinner with” one once the ace character enters.

Aces vs. sexual humor

Ace people’s reactions to sexual humor can vary as much as the reactions to flirting. Contributors described enjoying a broad range of these:

Aces who love sexual humor (not limited to sex-favorable aces)

Humor taking an angle of “sex is so strange, glad it isn’t real.”

Aces who are bored with or exhausted by sexual humor

Not finding sexual humor funny unless it’s also clever. “Yes I know that’s a sexual reference...wait, it was meant to be funny? Because it’s connected to sex? ....I see. Anyway.”

Bonus points if the “is that supposed to be funny because it’s sexual?” ace and the filthy humor ace are friends

It can even vary for the same person from setting to setting: someone may find making dirty jokes with a group of ace friends might be fun (see the “Absurdity of Sex” section above), but be very uncomfortable with someone else trying to twist something they said into something sexual. There’s also the nature of the joke itself: a silly pun may be fine, but a joke implying the ace person is interested in sex or said something sexual without meaning to may be alienating.

For TMA, the general interpretation of Jon is that he’d be uncomfortable with sexual humor, which is relatable to a lot of asexual people, but contributors brought up other possibilities as well: for example, the idea of Jon liking clever wordplay so much that if it just so happens to include something sexual, it doesn’t feel odd to him--why do the others look so shocked?

Note: A lot of asexual awareness posts insensitively treat the concept of aces who love filthy humor as more mature, more easygoing, less stereotypical, or otherwise superior to aces who are uncomfortable with sexual humor. This is a very harmful attitude that looks down on a lot of asexual people, and adds a pressure to push past comfort levels to fit in and “avoid being a stereotype.” Contributors loved reading stories that include flirty or filthy aces, but not when they take this tone. A favorite suggestion was to include more than one ace character to depict a variety, while treating them as equally valid.

Somewhat related to this is ace people’s relationship to sexual euphemisms. Contributors described their experiences or how they might write an ace character responding to these:

Being exhausted by how so many terms are considered euphemisms, or how any comment could be reframed as sexual.

Having a special annoyance when they accidentally stumble into or misunderstand a euphemism

Wanting to decouple euphemisms from their literal meaning: why does “spending the night” or “going home with someone” have to mean “having sex”?

In the same line, being very blunt and straightforward about making sexual references, because why dance around it?

Characterization Considerations

One discussion that is particularly relevant to The Magnus Archives is the idea of the “uptight nerd” ace persona. It may sound strange to say, but there is some legitimacy in this characterization, but for different reasons than is stereotyped. Many of us build up this persona while growing up--particularly in adolescence and early adulthood--to fend off uncomfortable social pressure, self-examination, or external criticism for why we relate to sex differently than our peers. This often involves playing up certain defenses for discomfort for sex or dating: “I don’t have time for any of that, I only have time for books and knowledge!” Or, the adult version: “I don’t have time for relationships, I’m married to my job!”

Where this departs from the stereotype is that these are generally coping mechanisms or facades rather than the truth. Asexuality isn’t “of course they don’t have time for sex, they’re obsessed with this or that”--but an asexual person who doesn’t feel comfortable in their environment, such as around work, school, or family, may deflect judgment with similar excuses. Similar to this, some find it tempting to be antisocial or hostile on purpose to fend off interest in them or avoid sexual expectations.

This is, of course, far from the only way an ace character could be written. For instance, if you wanted to write a setting where asexuality is more accepted, you could write Jon’s antisocial and closed-off tendencies as a result of being bullied from a very young age, while he is confident and secure in his asexuality. Or for other characters: you could write Tim as someone who has enjoyed sexual relationships, but just thought everyone was exaggerating on the attraction side of things.

Intersection of Asexuality with Other Identities

Another characterization consideration is how asexuality intersects with other identities and experiences included in the fic. Below are a few examples of many:

Asexuality and masculinity: Social expectations of masculinity place a high emphasis on sexuality, particularly heterosexuality, treating sexual activity as a commodity or prize. One possible reading of The Magnus Archives is Jon’s tendency to have closer and more numerous friendships with women connects to this.

Asexuality and trans identities: There is a significant overlap between aspec and trans identities, particularly nonbinary identities. Based on an October 2020 study by the Trevor Project (see link in reblog), ace respondents were roughly 50% more likely to be trans (including nonbinary) than allo respondents. Contributors described how they’ve felt things like “is this dysphoria I’m feeling a gender thing or an asexuality thing,” or how figuring out their asexuality helped them explore their gender.

Asexuality and race: In combination with LGBTQ+ spaces often being white-dominated, people of color often face stereotypes that hypersexualize or desexualize them. This can have a strong impact on people of color’s experience and self-perception as asexual. For instance, if you are writing Jon as Indian, you could consider how this may have impacted his experiences in LGBTQ spaces in university. As there is no ‘one size fits all’ experience for aces of color, we strongly recommend researching for the particular background you have in mind. We will be adding resource links to our main page shortly, but in the meantime check out the links in the reblog of this post!

INTIMACY AND RELATIONSHIPS

One of the topics addressed in our discussion was how a character’s asexuality may impact their experiences with intimacy and romantic relationships. Contributors discussed ways to portray this in fic, whether or not it includes sex or even mentions it.

Physical Intimacy

Intimacy, sensuality, and sex are separate things that may or may not overlap depending on the individual. Contributors discussed how, for people across the ace spectrum, the relationship between these three tends to differ from common societal frameworks or depictions of intimacy in fiction.

Enjoying physical intimacy without the expectation that it will become sexual: massages, falling asleep on top of each other, bathing together, etc.

This includes acts that would often be expected to “lead somewhere” but don’t, such as lots of touching or nude cuddling.

Craving closeness/touch completely outside of sexual drive

One scenario suggested for this topic is an asexual character discovering that without the worry that an act of intimacy will ‘lead somewhere,’ they enjoy something they used to get anxious about, such as sharing a bed or showering together.

Boundaries & Communication

Stories with an asexual character in a relationship often address physical boundaries within that relationship. The below are some of the scenarios contributors have enjoyed:

People communicating over their sexual boundaries, rather than assuming what these are as soon as they hear the word “asexual.”

The boundaries discussion being framed as something that any couple in a fictional relationship should have, not just because one is asexual.

In relationships between allo and ace characters, the allo character having boundaries of their own, rather than just the ace character.

Normalizing boundaries discussions for allo couples as well.

Note: If a boundaries discussion involves a sex-favorable ace character, take caution at the risk of having them sound offended or derisive that the discussion is happening (e.g. “What, I’m not a child” or “Not all aces are like that.”). Enforcing the idea that people should assume their partner is sex-interested is extremely harmful to sex-disinterested aces.

Some contributors noted that they prefer fics where the boundaries discussion is something that has taken place in the past, rather than run through at the beginning of each fic they read. In these cases, this past discussion could be illustrated in the interaction itself: a character’s awareness of what lines not to cross, the other’s confidence and trust that those boundaries will be respected, and so on.

Issues of Intimacy Outside of Sex

While aversion to sex is the most well-known dimension of asexuality, there are other aversions and boundaries that could apply to either ace or allo characters:

Ace characters that are kiss-averse and/or touch-averse: This also works against the “They won’t have sex, but they’ll make up for that with kissing even more!” trope that implies asexual people have to compensate for a nonsexual relationship.

Allo characters with their own aversions or specific boundaries: suggestions included how this can apply to trans characters.

Fluctuations in levels of aversion (note: it is important to not treat increased aversion as “progress” or decreased aversion as “regression”)

In cases of fluctuating aversion, characters developing ways to communicate these levels, and responding appropriately. For example, “Kissing is not on the table right now, let’s move on to something more comfortable.”

Contributors were excited to discuss how this area could particularly be used for the allo partner of an ace character, such as an allo Martin having difficulties with touch post-Lonely, or discovering that he doesn’t enjoy kissing.

Relationships to Sex (or Lack Thereof)

Asexuality ‘subtypes’ are terms many aces describe their personal relationship with sex and/or sexual content. These are simplified self-descriptors rather than rigid categories or mini-sexualities, and the terms rarely encompass the full detail of that relationship. Please note that the below discussion assumes a general familiarity with ace subtypes.

Needless to say, aces across the spectrum and of every subtype want to see their identities represented in fic. The discussion focused on ways to illustrate those experiences, and details contributors would enjoy seeing:

Non-averse aces trying sex and deciding they have no interest in it: pushing back against the “if you’re not repulsed you’ll like and want sex” idea.

No expectation that “sex-favorable” means always interested in sex.

The pressure an ace person may face to oversimplify their relationship to sex or sexual content out of fear they’ll appear inconsistent or exaggerating: “If I’m okay with this now, what if I’m not later? Will I seem picky if I’m only comfortable with something in an extremely specific scenario?”

“Sex repulsion” and “sex aversion” generally are used to describe asexual people who don’t want sex, but are simplified terms for what can be immensely varied experiences. Someone could be repulsed by physical involvement in sex, repulsed by personally engaging in anything sexual, repulsed by sexual content, repulsed by just the idea of sex--or any variation or combination of these. There are even repulsions that could be part of more sex-interested subtypes: an ace who enjoys sex but is repulsed by nudity, or an ace who enjoys sexual activities with a partner but not being touched during them, etc.

Contributors discussed how much they enjoy reading simple “I just don’t want sex” approaches to aversion/repulsion, but also look forward to reading explorations such as:

Enjoying one specific type of engagement with sexual content or activity, but having an aversion to others.

Regularly varying levels of repulsion: Days of “please don’t remind me sex exists” to days of mild curiosity, for instance.

Aces with a relationship to sex that doesn’t involve another person, including if they’re in a relationship.

Fluidity between ace subtypes can fluctuate between sex-interested and sex-disinterested in both directions: it can be both “I said I wasn’t interested in this before, but let’s carefully revisit” and “I know we’ve been doing this, but I’m no longer comfortable with it.” Contributors mentioned never having seen fic with the latter, and expressed an interest in reading stories exploring this.

On this note, it is common for stories of fluidity between subtypes to be only moving in a more sex-interested direction. Many asexual people, particularly sex-averse aces, face immense pressure to ‘learn how to like sex,’ or have their sexuality erased by saying they’re a ‘late bloomer’ who will learn to like it later. Depicting this direction should be done with great care and nuance, and we strongly recommend getting feedback from a sex-disinterested sensitivity reader for stories of this type. It’s possible that an ace reader who isn’t sex-disinterested would miss or not be affected by something that is quite painful to sex-disinterested aces.

CONCLUSION

If you’ve stuck with us for this long, well done! We understand that such a long resource can be a bit overwhelming, but we hope it can show you the depth of variety and enthusiasm ace readers have for more ace content and inspire you further. One thing we all had in common during our discussion was how excited we were to have a canonically asexual protagonist, and how thrilled we were to see content that explored his asexuality. In putting together this resource, we hope that you are encouraged to write about characters whose asexuality impacts their experiences and the story in unique, thoughtful, and creative ways. We can’t wait to see what you come up with!

#asexuality #asexuality in writing #ace week #the magnus archives #tma #writing resources #asexual characters #roundtables

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callmearcturus · 4 years

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i would love to get through the rest of this season without being ashamed of the TMA fandom

how many times is it going to take folks to learn that a list of CWs is not the same thing as an episode summary, and that you don't actually know what the fuck an episode is about until you listen to it or read it? because now we have people accusing RQ of co-opting black voices and writing an episode about black death and profiting off it.

hey, y'all. since you obviously don't know. the episode is about a white person who experiences the horrors of police brutality and the carceral state because their privilege stops protecting them, and explores how someone who has clearly never had to think about that shit deals with being thrust into it. the refrain of this statement giver is iirc "this kind of thing doesn't happen to people like me." the ode of the privileged class.

and if you don't wanna listen to that, if that's rough for you, jfc that's FINE. that's what the CWs are FOR. but reading the CWs and playing a game of telephone about the content of the episode bc you want a reason to harass RQ and accuse them of shit makes you the asshole.

and also, frankly, as someone on my discord pointed out? it quashes ACTUAL discussion. what I find really interesting about the episode is that I wonder if for ppl who live with police brutality, if this is MAG180 was for me.

MAG180 was the episode where I had to pause the statement because I was LAUGHING at it. Like, it completely didn't work for me. I grew up nominally jewish and heavily agnostic. I lack any concept of the religious abuse people go through, and so a lot of the episode just... fell utterly flat for me, because it was so divergent to my experiences as a non Xtian or former Xtian person.

Now. Does that mean people who did connect to it are dumb or their traumas are bad? NO! Here's a wild concept: in a show about displaying many different types of horror that now spans almost 200 episodes, not everything is going to land for everyone. Not everyone's fear and trauma is the same.

MAG180 was not for me, and for a lot of people MAG185 is not going to be for them. But when we have a vocal minority of this fandom that is telling RQ "not only are you terrible people but you don't have the right to tell this story" WHILE ALSO purposefully or ignorantly mischaracterizing what that story even IS because they don't fucking know--

our discourse gets stuck. We're stuck.

Another example: my public take is that anyone who wants to write Jon, an asexual character, having sex should be allowed to and if you don't like it, shut up and hit the back button. But at the same time, I wish I could have the in depth talk about how we depict ace people having sex, the many ways ace people feel about sex, the nuances of it, etc.

But I can't! Because there's a vocal minority of assholes who call people freaks if they write sexy fanfic, and those people keep the discussion level stuck at fucking 101. I can’t talk to you all about the expert level shit because I’m too busy protecting people’s ability to even comfortably try to write the damn thing in the first place.

This fandom, I feel, has yet to learn shit. When you see a piece of media you don't like and your first tactic is to jump to "this creator is bad and shouldn't create this thing," instead of discussing anything with real depth and compassion, we have to just drown out and deplatform people like you, so nothing gets done! Until people learn to engage critically with text and have any nuanced reaction, everyone else is fucking stuck, and it's so goddamn frustrating!

#discourse #long post #tma spoilers //

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sazandorable · 3 years

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things I wanna see in ace fanworks!

It’s Ace Week!

And there’s huge variety among the aspec community (spectrum! that’s what it means!), so here’s a post about a variety of things I’d love to see more in fanworks involving asexual characters!

(I’m especially thinking of Jon from The Magnus Archives and Zolf from Rusty Quill Gaming, but this should easily apply across fandoms!)

I’ll try not to repeat it every line but: blanket disclaimer that this is very much a “what I feel, what I want, me, personally” post. Others (including other asexual people) might feel differently, and that’s perfectly okay. That’s kind of the point of this post! This is absolutely not a “here’s the one correct way to write all ace characters that all ace people will enjoy and agree with” Rules post — on the contrary, this is partly in reaction to seeing other people say that they dislike seeing, or don’t dare create, things that I, personally… desperately want to see, actually.

CW: this post will contain references to many common sources of trauma for asexual people, such as aphobia, partner abuse and rape, as well as sex (in general and sometimes in specifics) and asexual people having sex.

So! I, personally, love and would love to see more...

Fanworks by all sorts of asexual creators

No matter what your specific experience is, it is important, and your getting to create and share art about it is important, and you deserve to get that, and there are people interested in seeing it. And the same is true for all the other aces with different experiences, too.

Variety! Room for all of us! Share your experience happily, and let other aces happily share theirs!

Fanworks by allosexual creators

I’m so happy you’re interested in asexuality and in depicting it! I do want my experience to be normalised and seen as a normal thing that anyone can find interesting and relatable, even allosexual people. If you don’t mean to be an asshole about it, if you’re generally interested in exploring asexuality and you’re doing it from the heart, thinking of asexual people as people — then I want to see it, and I want you to be able to give a try to creating or consuming whatever you want, and I do not want you to be attacked for doing it.

Of course, you might still unwittingly fuck up, and people might still get hurt, and truly hurtful things should still be pointed out in order to be improved on; but I want us as a community to help creators up instead of shouting down, and I hope you continue putting thought into creating fanworks involving ace characters.

Keep reading for some tips and suggestions of things to think about, to keep in mind and to look into to improve your representing of us and our experience of it!

Extremely specific, different, kinda weird, niche, Problematic™ content, from creators of any identity (including questioning!), who are wary about sharing it because they think that there’s no audience for it, or that they’re not allowed, or that it’s a bad and evil way to represent asexuality

I want to see that, I’d be thrilled if you did it, I hope you do it, and I want a fandom environment in which you can do that safely because you deserve to. Of course, make sure to provide good tagging and CW!

Awareness that asexuality is a wide varying spectrum of experiences and there is no One Correct or More Valid Way to depict it

Awareness that even people with the same identity, label and life experiences might want to create or consume different things

Permission for everyone to create whatever they like, so long as it’s just done earnestly

No shaming, gatekeeping, accusations of fetishising, etc.

There are newbie writers who will never learn if they’re scared away from trying; there are people who haven’t yet figured out that they are in fact ace and never will if they’re not allowed to explore it safely; there are ace people who consume ace content to feel good about themselves; there are ace people who create ace fic in order to explore complicated, hard, unpleasant experiences and feelings; there are ace people whose experiences do not match stereotypical narratives I’ve most seen brandished around, and those people are just as ace and just as allowed to create and consume whatever they want; I do not want to foster a fandom environment in which people must out themselves and offer up their experience to scrutiny in order to be “allowed” to write certain topics; etc., etc.

Over the past two years, I’ve regularly seen a lot of yelling along the lines of “this work includes x and not x because this character is ace!” or “this fic I just read is the only valid ace fic” or “oh my god everyone look at this, this is the perfect ace fic”. A lot of it comes from a place of defensiveness and/or pride, ace people happy and proud to share something that was, finally, pinning down their experience. That’s awesome! ... For them. There are plenty of other asexual people who don’t relate to or enjoy those narratives — in fact, all the ones I’m thinking of squicked me hard, despite being made by ace creators and accurate to (an) ace experience, and I would be really unhappy if all ace fanworks was like those. Meanwhile, plenty of stuff I enjoy gets accusations of being fetishising.

So it would do a world of wonder for me and my experience of ace fanworks if those things could be internalised by the fandom as a whole!

Clear distinction between “being asexual” and “not interested in sex”, ”sex-repulsed” or “not having sex”

Those can and often do overlap, but the word “asexual” just means “experiencing little or no sexual attraction”!

In fanworks about an ace character, the two are generally linked and the reason a character doesn’t want to have sex tends to be that they’re ace, but the shorthand and immediate assumption that “being ace” automatically and always means “never having sex” or “hating the concept of sex” always feels a little weird to me.

This goes both ways — even if your aspec character is very sexually active and enjoys it, or if they’re demisexual and currently experiencing attraction to their partner, etc. — they’re still a person who experiences little to no sexual attraction in their daily life, they’re still aspec in a way that can be depicted and that I can be made to feel.

On AO3, widespread use of the tag “Canon Asexual Character”…

There are different views on the “correct” way to use that tag, in part because… what's the point of it? Should we use it in every single fic in which the Archivist appears, because he happens to be ace in the canon, even if it doesn’t come up in the fic?

IMO, it is helpful — it indicates to me that the author wrote their story with that character’s asexuality in mind, and it informed their writing of that character. Personally, I use it on fics where it feels “relevant” even if it doesn’t come up, such as a fic from Martin’s POV about Jon not being very touchy-feely (even though it doesn’t specify that that is because Jon is ace), but not a fic from Jon’s POV in which they’re happily living together but it’s not about the physical specifics of their relationship (even though in my head that relationship is non-sexual, but I could have written this specific fic the exact same way if Jon wasn’t ace).

The use or non-use of the tag can also simply help distinguish fanworks that were created and posted before that revelation, and did not depict that character as ace because the creator genuinely wasn’t aware of it.

… but also more detail than that, for instance: tagging the “shade of ace” the character is written as

A few examples:

#aroace Jon

#demisexual biromantic Jon

#greysexual nonbinary Jon

#sexually active kinky asexual Jon

#sex-positive low-libido Jon

#touch-averse Jon

#sex-uninterested ace demiromo Jon in happy QPR with Martin

#sex-repulsed sub Jon gets creative

#aspec Jon experiences sexual attraction for the first time and it’s for freaking Elias of all people oh God oh no

etc., etc.

Those are VERY different things! There’s some I’d be delighted to read, some I’m not interested in, and some that would actively squick me personally for personal reasons but I can think of some friends of mine that would be super happy to see it.

If you don’t know or aren’t sure of the exact terms, or if you wrote a relatively broad scenario and want to let people project any labels on it, you can also just describe what the situation is or how you depicted your character relating to things. That’s still very helpful. For instance:

#Jon doesn’t like kissing but cuddles good

#the struggle of NOT liking touching but craving intimacy

#Jon and Tim pointing at each other like spiderman meme, same hat?? how??

#Daisy and Basira have no idea how to explain their relationship and it’s none of your business

#Zolf is just tired and wants people to stop prying into his love life

etc., etc.

More awareness that there’s plenty of stuff about the ace experience that, while very common, can be squicky or even traumatic, and more tagging/warning about that

Here’s some other things that are common to the ace experience and commonly depicted in fanworks involving ace characters, and that can be genuinely upsetting and potentially triggering and traumatic, whether or not an ace person has encountered it in their own life (lots of CWs in this list, obviously):

encountering aphobia, even clueless and well-meaning

having internalised aphobia, aphobic thoughts, self-hatred, feeling broken or strange

social pressure to have sex or relationships, people being invasive or judgy about others’ love life, feeling disconnected from allo people

trying things out just to see

having sex

enjoying sex

forcing themself to have sex

referring to past sexual experiences as something that they didn’t enjoy

being emotionally pressured into having sex

wanting to please their partner despite not desiring sex

feeling an obligation to satisfy their partner

the prospect of romantic rejection for their asexuality

the idea that they must earn love

the idea that getting their boundaries respected is something exceptional and rare and an incredible sacrifice from their partner

being sexualised by someone else or the object of someone’s fantasies

wanting sex or experiencing sexual attraction for the first time

etc., etc.

Two concepts here that are both simultaneously true: 1) those are indeed very common to the real life experience of ace people, 2) it is possible to depict the ace experience without tackling any of that.

Of course, you can have all that! You can create content about that! That’s very relatable for a lot of people, and that last one, for instance, can in fact be an accurate and important depiction of demisexuality. But it’s also not a given that a fictional work about asexuality will/should depict it, and not a given that all ace people looking for ace content will want to see any item from that list. So please, give content warnings for all that, too.

It would be a tremendous help in curating and improving my experience if this could become a widespread habit — I have lost count of the amount of fics tagged as fluffy that I had to backbutton out because they suddenly threw in something really depressing that I, personally, didn’t want to see happen to a character I project on (while other readers found catharsis, validation and kinship in seeing their experience represented accurately!).

If it does come up, tags about what comes up

Beyond the content warnings for clearly traumatic stuff, is there “#Discussion of asexuality”? Is it “#Coming out as asexual”, or “#Jon discovers the existence of asexuality”? Is there “#Acephobia” (“#Accidental”? “#Casual”? “#Internalised”?)? Is there “#Explanation of asexuality to a clueless partner”, or “#Jon’s partner tells him about asexuality”? Is there “#Relationship negotiation”?

Since, again, not all aces have the same experience, odds are that some people will JUMP happily on content depicting a specific experience which they relate to... and inversely: again, there’s some of that which I personally do not relate to and actively do not want to read.

Detailed tagging is a huge help for me to figure out if a fic about asexuality is going to squick me and make me sad for the evening because ah I am weird after all even amongst my brethren, or if it’s going to be, finally, my heart’s desire, what I’ve been craving for, and make my entire week. (Sidenote, thanks to good tagging I did find the perfect QPR fic I’d been yearning to read last week and I’m still thinking about it right now and so, so, so happy.)

Making it clear when an ace character is going to be having sex — beyond just the ship tag and rating

Reminder that a fic rating alone does not necessarily mean sex! A fic tagged just “#JonMartin” and rated Explicit could have them in a relationship and then an explicitly detailed scene in which Jon dies a excruciatingly gruesome death, or a graphic scene of Martin having some solo fun, or even another character, or a sex scene between another tagged ship.

With smut involving an ace character as with everything else, there are lots of us that do want to see it (for a wide variety of reasons), and obviously there are lots of us that desperately want to avoid it (but might be in the Explicit tag looking for smut involving other ships, or horror or whump content, etc.) — please help us know whether to click or not click!

The normalisation of not expecting/forcing anyone to do things they don’t actively want to do

There’s a relatively common thing in heartwarming ace fic where the ace character is surprised that their allo partner is fine with dating without having sex and the partner goes, “I love you, of course I’m fine with that” and the ace character is all oh, oh, oh I am loved and respected, did not expect that. Or an allo character saying “That’s fine, I don’t make you do anything you don’t want to do,” or “I don’t want to do anything unless you’re into it!”

And I see how it sounds nice and romantic. It probably is to many people. But it can also be extremely sinister and anxiety-inducing in its implications: what if the partner didn’t love the ace character quite that much? What did the ace character expect? If this is amazing and rare, then what was the baseline expectation? If this ace character has dated before, what were their past relationships like, for this to be surprising?

I end up running into it more in fluffy fanworks about asexuality than in fanworks that aren’t. Again — you can absolutely do that, but please tag/warn for it; even if it’s just in passing, in fluff fic it’s really not something I expect from the genre. Even though I might sometimes be specifically in the mood to read an exploration of that, in dark fic or in hurt/comfort fic!

And now for more specific stuff I wanna see in stories:

This last bit is intended as both an encouragement for people who want to create these things and think there’s no audience (there is!!), and as a box of ideas for people who have no idea how to depict the asexuality of characters but want to :3 Again, this is not in any way a statement that these are The Only Correct Way, or even things that all aspec people want to see, nor is it a diss at people who create, consume or want the exact opposite of these things — for that matter, some of the items on this list are mutually exclusive. It’s just my own tastes and literally just stuff I personally would love to see (more).

Ace character being single, happy to be single, and happily ace

Asexuality being written in but a complete non-issue, not discussed, not brought up, not even to reassure the ace character that It Is Fine

Ace character being flippant and snarky about their asexuality, making jokes and memes about it

Ace character not caring about other people’s perception of them at all

Ace character feeling only pride and happiness and comfort about that label

More than one ace character! Extra love for them having some similarities and also some differences!

Intersectionality: ace character being also aro, trans, nonbinary, bi or pan, polyamorous, kinky, a drag queen, a dom or sub, neurodivergent, disabled, non-white, … ; asexuality being just one part of their identity

Asexuality being queer and belonging to the LGBT+ community in itself; a character being cis, aro or heteroromantic, and ace, and “counting” as “queer enough”

Flirty ace character

Confident, self-comfortable ace character

Ace character considering their specific experience to be perfectly normal and not unique, if not typical

Ace character enjoying something that is commonly considered to be sexy or sexual, but it isn’t for them — such as wearing makeup or lingerie, going clubbing, pole-dancing, massages…

Ace character happily dating someone who is not aspec

I like the thought that it’s possible! I personally like this more than I like fanworks about two aspec people dating. I like it when the ace character is happy to adapt to their allo partner’s requirements and I like it when the allo character is happy to adapt to their ace partner’s requirements and I like it when there are things that just do not match perfectly and that doesn’t put an end to the relationship.

Ace character having a lot of experience dating

Partner(s) already knowing about asexuality and not needing to have it explained to them

Partners just being like “*shrug* okay”, without making it a big deal that they’re “giving up” sexual intercourse

Ace character crushing and getting flustered over physical but non-sexual aspects of their love interest’s looks

Big strong hands, nice jaw, strong nose, long eyelashes, lovely profile, silky hair, lovely eye-colour, delicate wrists, muscles, long legs, collar bone, shoulder blades, squishy stomach, peek of bellybutton, freckles, moles, scars, …

Ace character daydreaming about their love interest in ways that involve zero physical attraction, thoughts about how pretty or handsome they are, or desire to touch them

Jon pining for Martin and just wanting to talk with him, have tea with him, hang out with him… not seeing how Tim is good-looking but being attracted to his humour and nerdiness… missing his relationship with Georgie because it felt nice to cook together and share clothes and watch the telly together… Zolf missing Hamid’s fiery passion or Wilde’s awful puns… being attracted to Cel’s liveliness and inventiveness… being charmed by Azu’s emotional intelligence or her unwavering certainty in her faith…

Smut involving an ace character

No shaming of fellow real living people about that

Not going to go into it again because plenty of us have been talking about that in this fandom for two years now — bottom line is there do exist plenty of asexual people that 1) do have sex IRL, 2) do want to consume smut, can we please, as a community, move past the “this is not smut because this character is ace!” passive-aggressive attacks already. (“I depict this character as not having sex because he’s ace and I’m ace and it makes me happy” is fine! Just don’t imply that that’s the only way to be ace and that other people are wrong to want something else.)

Ace character enjoying sex

Ace character being completely neutral about having or not having sex

Ace character disliking sex in the same way they dislike, idk, coffee. No, absolutely not, thank you, no concession, not for me, but also it’s nothing traumatic or moral or uncomfortable.

Sex being just a thing, not a big deal, having or not having it not being all that important

Ace character enjoying the concept of sex, abstractly. Ace character consuming porn, writing porn, being fine discussing sex with friends, having a dirty mind — just not wanting to be involved in it

Ace character having fantasies that disturb them

Ace character feeling arousal and being just *shrug* about it, not particularly disgusted, just uninterested

Arousal, libido, or masturbation as something different and separate from sexual attraction and desire to sleep with someone or to be touched

Ace character being kinky af

Ace character having multiple partners and different sorts of relationships with each!

Open relationships

Non-sexual romantic relationships

Queerplatonic relationships

COMMITTED!!! NON-SEXUAL AND NON-ROMANTIC!!! PARTNERSHIPS!!! AAAAAA [sobbing emoji]

Non-sexual physical intimacy

Hand-holding! Playing footsie! Cuddles! Hugging! Kissing! Super heavy making out and getting aroused but no sex! Sharing a bed! Lying on top of each other! Bathing or showering together! Giving each other a haircut or a shave! Massages! Non-sexual nudity!

Non-physical intimacy

Committed couple having separate beds/rooms! Getting married! Being in love and not kissing or touching! Loving long-distance relationships! QPR! Affection and closeness expressed through speech, gifts, services, time, shared activities — wearing each other’s clothes, cooking together, long emotional conversations, trust and secrets, love letters, post-it notes, “thought of you” gifts, celebrating anniversaries with a candle-lit dinner, co-parenting...!

Sexual situations with no touching

(CW bit detailed:)

Sexting, cybersex, phone sex, dirty talking, reading or watching porn (alone or together), consensual voyeurism like watching their partner masturbate or have sex with someone else, kink using toys and accessories or scenes but with no actual touching, …

Romanticised consent and boundaries

An asexual character being super firm about what they do not want and their allo partner being thrilled about that trust and communication!! An allosexual partner trusting their asexual partner about what they want without infantilising them or doubting their capacity to establish their boundaries! “Wait, you always say you don’t like [x]?” “Yes, but I feel like it right now, as I assumed would be pretty clear from the fact that I am doing [x] right now :w” “Hey, just checking, sue me :w” “Yes, thank you :w”

Specific boundaries

Cheek kisses but no lip kisses, no PDA, not having sex where they’re also going to sleep, needing a shower immediately after sex, lights off only, …

(CW more detailed:)

… not caring about feeling or seeing their partner’s hard-on but not wanting to do anything about it, penetration but no oral, bottoming but not topping, giving a blowjob but not having their head held, being fine with extreme acts but not liking fluids, pet names but no dirty talk, dirty talk but no pet names, happy to pleasure their partner but not wanting to be touched, not wanting to come, being only into sex as part of extreme kink but not interested in vanilla sex, …

Shifting boundaries and consent

Ace character likes kissing or cuddles but only on their terms — they will come give their partner a kiss sometimes but bristle at being touched. Today is not a kissing day. Today this ace character is a bit down and would like a lot of physical affection and cuddling. Certain areas are off-limits for touching because this ace character is sensitive on their thighs, ticklish in their ribs, self-conscious about their scars. This ace character considers their chest non-sexual so that’s fine but do not pat their butt.

Today, exceptionally, this ace character is horny and feels like banging. Ace character feels like banging sometimes but is not in the mood right now, bye. Ace character feels like banging from eight to nine pm every second Thursday of the month, catch it or miss it. Couple shares a shower every morning and it’s never meant to be a sexual thing, but today the ace one is getting aroused and hey, you know what, they’d like to get off right now. This massage is fantastic but it’s getting overwhelming, so they ask to stop (but it was great!). Ace character is intrigued about this particular scenario/position/kink and wants to try it out, they do, it’s perfectly nice, but hmm, once was enough, they’re not interested in doing it again. Ace character sexts their partner all day but by the time their partner has got home, undressed and prepared and pulled out the strap, they’ve lost interest.

♠♥ Thank you for reading all this! Hope this inspires people so I get more stuff that makes me happy! ♥♠

#ace week #asexuality #representation #the magnus archives #rusty quill gaming #a lot more TMA than RQG though #writing #fanfiction #happy end of ace week everyone!

13 notes · View notes

yellowocaballero · 4 years

Text

written in 2 hours for $5

my friend: so, in your story, you say that Jon went to see a doctor who DIDN’T diagnose him with anything, despite him thinking all of his employees were trying to kill him...I will give you $5 to write this conversation

me: what’s your venmo.

under a readmore as to not traumatize Bukowski with sloppy depictions of therapy.

Okay, that ordeal was over with. Jon hated health services. He never went to the doctor if he could help it. It was easy to avoid it, since Elias gave as little healthcare as physically possible, and Jon was of the personal opinion that he never got sick, anyway. Sickness was a state of mind, and Jon’s mind was not in that state. What was a cold but your body temporarily acting funny before going back to normal? Absolutely nothing, no matter what Martin wrung his hands and insisted about. If Jon got the flu, he threw up in the toilet and then went back to work. RIP to the influenza virus but he was different.

Jon sat anxiously in the waiting room of the counseling clinic, struggling to recall if his mother was depressed or not.

Like, Jon would personally be very depressed, if he had given birth to Jon. He hesitantly wrote it in, then scratched it out, then scowled at the very nuclear family centric medical history section of the patient chart, then went through the usual rigamarole of feeling self-pity over being an orphan. Finally, he settled on just writing in a big question mark in the mother and father sections. He wrote into the side that his Grandfather and two of his Uncles had schizophrenia, which had to be useful in some sort of way.

The waiting room for the clinic wasn’t empty, even if that would have made Jon feel better. A tired looking Hispanic woman clutching her purse sat on one couch, an elderly man clutching a cane sitting in an armchair with his wife browsing a magazine beside him. Boring, banal, bothersome. Jon wasn’t like these losers. He wasn’t a weak-willed person who…accused all of his coworkers of murder plots…to the extent where one of his subordinates threatened him into going to a therapist. That hadn’t happened. To him.

For the record, it wouldn’t have worked if Martin hadn’t been so good at disguising what a manipulative bastard he was. Jon didn’t know people could make their eyes that big. Or that people could be so talented at gathering evidence of workplace harassment, enough that even Elias would be forced to exact some sort of disciplinary action against him. Had Martin always been so terrifying? His ranking on the ‘Possibly Wants To Kill Me’ scale jumped a few notches, but was forced to drop down a few notches due to Jon admitting that someone who wanted to kill him probably wouldn’t blackmail him into therapy.

Probably.

He briefly detailed his diagnostic history (none), detailed his list of previous surgeries and health conditions (none, save the anemia in uni), and briefly gave a list of childhood trauma (none that anyone would believe, although he found himself hesitantly writing down ‘Foster system, parental incarceration, orphaned’, as if that was a real trauma or something instead of stuff that just happened to him that had no effect on his brain whatsoever).

He finally got to the difficult section, the one that always tripped him up and made him sweat. He breezed through the demo questions (Black, male last time he checked, younger than he looked) but stared for an uncomfortably long time at the sexuality questions. His pen hovered over heterosexual, but his Mental Georgie (meaner than the actual Georgie) yelled at him until his pen hovered over bisexual instead. But that wasn’t quite right either, was it? Bad memories of scrolling desperately and shamefully through AVEN at 2am last year flashed through his mind, but asexual wasn’t on the list. He marked in bisexual, although he didn’t think it counted if he’d never had any…relations with male presenting people, although it didn’t quite fit.

Under alcohol use he very proudly put none, feeling both smug and embarrassed over being smug over it. Under drug use he also was proud to put none. Then it asked for his history and, like, whatever. He hated this list. It sucked. Jon didn’t like admitting to the coke he only did three times. Or was it four? That he could remember.

Under the ‘Have you ever been hospitalized’ question he put yes, then he remembered that they had technically diagnosed him with alcoholism and depression so he had to go back and put that down in his diagnoses, then he had to put down that he had attempted suicide a few times. Jon felt uncomfortable about nameless strangers knowing this, when he had never told anybody and had never been planning on it. It was a secret he would take to his grave, but he was telling this piece of paper, apparently. Hopefully nobody looked at this.

Under the section for ‘why he came in’, Jon decided honestly was the best policy. He wrote down carefully, in precise letters, ‘I do not need to come in but my subordinate (who may be plotting murder against me) blackmailed me into it’. There. Honesty was the best policy.

Finally the accursed intake form was over, Jon was able to hand it to the nurse he suddenly imagined looked very judgmental, and he was able to flip aimlessly through the three year old magazines on the glass tabletop flanking a piece of calming abstract art. He would never admit it to literally anybody in his life, but he enjoyed the voyeurism of celebrity gossip. He loved learning things about people that were supposed to be private, that nobody was supposed to know. It wasn’t a real secret if he learned it off TMZ, but it felt like one, and that was good enough. It was none of his business who was dating who or who had cheated on who, but that was part of the fun. Jon’s thirst for knowledge was absolute. But, still, nobody could ever know about this. Georgie had laughed at him for a week when she found out.

Still, the magazine was wrong. The pop star wasn’t cheating on her boyfriend with her bodyguard. She was cheating on her boyfriend with her college roommate. Jon didn’t remember exactly where he had read it, but he knew it was true. Must have caught it on a reddit thread or something. Jon snorted. They should really polish up on their fact checking.

After what felt like hours, but in fact was twenty-two minutes and forty seconds exactly, the nurse called Jon in. They took his height (still too tall), took his weight (ugh….), and took his blood pressure, which seemed to alarm the nurse, who asked him if he had a family history of hypertension. He just explained that his job was very high stress.

“Ah,” the nurse said, and made a note on his clipboard.

“The previous holder of my position was murdered,” Jon said helpfully, “and I think one of my employees did it. Either that or my boss. That, or various supernatural entities, but generally I’ve been doing a pretty good job of holding those off.”

“That’s so interesting,” the nurse said, making another note on the clipboard.

Then he was directed into the actual therapist’s office. Not his therapist, or at least he didn’t think so – the way they explained it to him, and the way the twenty internet sites he’d compulsively researched said it worked, was that he would get an intake with a trainee, who would then refer him to a therapist that worked for him in the building. It made sense, although very little about this entire process really did. Jon hated doctors. What were therapists, but doctors who made less sense, and did not respect science?

The intake therapist’s office was overly calming. There was an incense diffuser in the corner, a tea station set up in another corner, and a comfortable looking couch facing a chair. There was a coffee table in the center filled with fidget toys and candy, along with some stuffed animals and other comfort items with some books, and Jon awkwardly shook the hand of the young woman who opened the door for him and sat down on the far corner of the couch.

She introduced herself as Angela and had a bright white smile. Jon wondered if she had ever killed anybody. Her hair was glossy and black, she seemed to be Hispanic or thereabouts, and exuded a trustworthy and competent yet friendly air. Jon did not trust her.

“So, Jon,” Angela said, once they both settled down. “I’m just going to give you a quick run-down of this process. I’ll interview you based on your intake form, we’ll come up with a case formulation, and I’ll refer you to a therapist with our clinic who can help you out. You indicated that this is your first time seeing a counselor?”

“Uh, yes.” Jon clasped his hands, then his knees, then sat up very straight, then slouched. He now understood why the fidget toys were there. “But I really don’t want to see a therapist. I just told someone I’d come in here, so here I am. I can leave right after this.”

“Who asked you to come in?”

“Martin. Uh. My employee.”

She made a note in her notebook. “Does he only know you from work?”

“Yes.”

“So your employees have been noticing some behavior from you at work that lead them to ask you to come?” Angela asked delicately.

“Uh. Yeah.”

“What kind of behavior?”

Well, sure, make him think about it. Jon clenched his trousers a little. “I’ve been…well, according to Tim, I’ve been stalking them a bit. Which, perhaps, from a certain point of view, I’m willing to admit to. Also going through their desks. Some verbal accusations. Apparently, I’ve been difficult to work with lately.”

Scribble scribble scribble. “What sort of accusations?”

“Someone’s trying to kill me,” Jon said firmly. “I’m just trying to find out who. I’m exploring every option. Nobody is above suspicion. I know it seems…I know it doesn’t seem very usual, but that’s the situation.”

“Have you talked to the police?”

God, has he ever. “They’re willing to collaborate with me, but there’s only so much they can do,” Jon said seriously. Even if they had confidentiality, which they had explained to him as he came in, he could hardly admit to Basira doing something illegal for him. “But we are working on it together. At least some officers on the force take murder investigations seriously.”

“Alright. If you don’t mind, I’m going to refer back to some questions that we asked you on the sheet. Just a little more detail on them.” Angela looked down at what he had to assume was a print-out of his answers on the intake questionnaire. “It says here that you have a family history of schizophrenia?”

“Yeah,” Jon said blankly, “what does that have to do with anything?”

She looked further down the list. “And…a history of alcoholism and drug abuse?”

“Yes, technically.”

“Alright.” She leaned backwards and opened a file cabinet, rifling through it before withdrawing a piece of paper and passing it to Jon. Jon hesitantly took it, scanning the paper. “Can you fill this out for me quickly, please?”

Jon read the questions.

Do you ever hear or see things that others cannot?

Well, yes, Jon experienced many supernatural phenomena that others could not perceive. He checked off yes.

Do you ever struggle to trust that what you are thinking is real?

Frequently. He just knew his mind was being manipulated by the mysterious Watcher. Plus there was that business with Sasha. Something’s off about her.

Do you ever get the sense that others are controlling your thoughts and emotions?

That occurred in dozens of Statements, plus his own life. Yes.

Do you struggle to keep up with daily living tasks?

Tim did tell him that he didn’t shower enough…

Do you feel that you have powers that others cannot understand or appreciate?

Jon thought blankly of all those times that he asked people questions and they almost…had to answer. He checked yes for that too.

Etc, etc, etc.

Jon looked up from this test. “Are you under the impression I’m schizophrenic?”

“I can’t make a diagnosis yet,” the therapist said delicately. “Why don’t we talk after you finish the screening.”

Jon silently passed it back to her, after checking yes on almost everything. She scanned it quickly.

“Hm.”

“Look,” Jon said awkwardly, knowing that this probably looked bad, “I know that I may come off as a paranoid lunatic, but the supernatural is out there and is targeting me personally. I think I may work for it, honestly? Do you ever feel like an accountant for evil in your day to day life, or is that just me?” Jon paused a beat, and found that his hands were shaking. He was scared. Why was he scared? “I always feel something watching me. Something – something in the walls. I’m sitting at my desk, it’s late at night, and nobody’s around, but sometimes when I do my work…I feel something looking over my shoulder. It hates me. It wants to hurt me. I don’t know why I know it, I just do. Something invisible in the walls is looking at me, and nobody believes me when I say it’s there but I know it is.” He found himself speaking faster, almost as if he was begging her to understand. “When you look at a – at this couch, you know it’s there, right? How would you feel if everybody started telling you that it wasn’t there? That what your eyes and ears and body was telling you was fake? You’d feel like it was everybody else who was crazy, not you. Even if your eyes were closed, if you reached out your hand you could feel it. No matter what you might tell yourself, or what other people might tell you, it’s real. It’s there. You can’t deny it. I’m not crazy. It’s there. Something is watching me. You don’t – you don’t have to believe me. But I’m right. And you’re wrong, if you think it’s not.”

Angela stared at him.

Then she stood up, clutching her mobile. Jon realized for the first time that it was ringing. “I’ll be right back.”

She left the room, holding the phone to her ear. Jon felt it was somewhat unprofessional for a therapist to walk out in the middle of a session for a phone call. Maybe it was important? Her husband was in the hospital or something? It was none of his business.

Jon tapped his toes. Stared at the wall. There was a poster with a sloth on it that said ‘Hang In There!’. He was hanging in there, all right.

He wondered if he was crazy. If it even mattered.

Jon had always had nobody but himself to rely on. Well, maybe Georgie, once upon a time, but he had burned that bridge. At the end of the day, it had always been him. In that gutter where he had almost drowned in his own vomit, it had just been him.

If he couldn’t trust his own mind, who could he trust? If even his own faculties left him, he had nothing. No friends, no family, no support. Just him. If Jon lost his mind, if he went completely crazy, then there was nobody to pick up the pieces ever again. For the first time since coming in, Jon found himself scared. Would he have to take medication? Would it make him dumb? Jon would rather be crazy then dumb.

The door opened, and Angela returned. But there was something just a little different about her, something Jon picked up immediately. Her eyes were – almost glassy, almost not present. She had been such an attentive, active listener before, but now she seemed far away. Her gait was a little stiffer than it had been previously.

“Bad news?” Jon breached awkwardly.

“Nothing to worry about,” Angela smiled. But it didn’t reach her eyes. How strange. She sat back down in her chair, posture perfect and prim. “Well, I took a look at your sheet, and I have some good news for you.”

“You – you do?” Jon asked, thrown off. Doctors never had good news for him. They always seemed to think he was a medical freak of nature who was alive only through an act of spite against god.

“Of course. You don’t seem to have any kind of mental illness. Honestly, I just think your problem is that you’re stressed at work.”

“I – so you don’t think I’m schizophrenic? Despite answering yes to almost every question on that test? And having family members with schizophrenia? And being a black male in my late twenties, the highest risk group?”

“Yes.” Angela smiled prettily at him. “I think it’s just a matter of adjustment. You’re a transitionary phase in your life, Jon. You’re moving from one role to another. I think all you have to do is accept your new role in life, and your problems will sort themselves out.”

“I – yes. Yes, of course.” It was like a huge weight had been taken off his chest. Jon felt so relieved. Nothing was wrong with him. His mind was still his own. He wasn’t crazy! “You’re right. I’m just stressed. Thank you so much, doctor. I feel a lot better about this now. I knew Martin was just overreacting.”

“Martin’s always overreacting!” Angela laughed. She stood up from her chair, clearly signifying the interview was over despite him only being there for less than ten minutes. “Have a great day, Jon. You deserve it.”

“Thanks, doctor. I promise I’ll work on – just calming down a bit. Wow. What a relief.” Jon stood up too, wiping his sweaty palms on his trousers before shaking her hand. “I knew I wasn’t crazy.”

“What’s crazy,” Angela said, “but a state of mind? The world is already so bizarre and usual, Jon, it’s strangest to be sane.”

“I – okay?”

Jon left the doctor’s appointment feeling very good about everything. Maybe the doctor’s had been a good idea. He would have to thank Martin.

Wow. Now that was a crazy thought. Thanking Martin! Hah!

Jon went home, feeling very good about his life and his trajectory in it.

For the very last time.

#takes place in bbc verse but can be read independently if you want #actually secretly contains spoilers for that story but you can't really tell #tma #the magnus archives fanfiction #my writing #the magnus archives

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