Falling into the background.
Did you know that tigers are orange to confuse their prey since most mammals have a dichromatic vision and can only perceive red as green?
Even tigers.
EVEN TIGERS.
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Spring, 2023 written by me / Blue (2002) Dir. Hiroshi Ando
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What better to accompany depression than nausea?
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>ignores okc for months because i find the dating game exhausting and jading
>gives in because i feel lonely and like i'm getting too old to be so habitually single
>opens okc and immediately feels exhausted and jaded
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Sit with me with a blanket and a mug of tea and tell me about pre-Cambrian era Earth for 12 hours
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The unimpeded sense of doom every sunday brings
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when i make a thread with myself like its the funniest shit ever
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i will never stop being 6 years old and lonely. i will never stop being 11 years old and lonely. i will never stop being 19 years old and lonely. i will never stop
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people wish nice things for me and i want nice things but i don't get nice things
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excerpts from my diary, October 16th, 2023
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saw this quote on a tik tok by @/cleosharkie that said “the reason you self sabotage is because it allows you to predict what is going to happen, which gives you control”
and it got thinking about how much Roy self sabotages so many of his relationships (romantically with Keeley, professionally w his teammates and staff of Chelsea, platonically with Jamie in the finale and Ted after he retires post season one). It is really interesting to think about this in relation to his grief experience with his grandpa. Not only is quitting before you’re fired letting you control the pain and rejection, choosing when you’re going to lose someone or that relationship prevents you from ever being blindsided by death. Death is completely uncontrollable but if you lose someone on purpose ahead of time you have all the power. (you really don’t but that’s a lesson for Roy for another day)
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— Fiona Apple
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We had some great windy/stormy weather this week. Took one evening to walk to the highest spot near me and it was such a good way to destress after a day of programming homework. School is a bit overwhelming at the moment as is life in general. But at least in running again and physically (mostly) functional which is helping with my sanity. One day at a time. I'll feel good again.
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