#and like i know i have a weird unhealthy thing about him anyway and ill probably never be happy with anything but hey im trying

[doctapuella]

my KINGDOM for an eric c headcanon/fic/anything post that gives him a personality beyond "cute"

#this isnt spurred by any one thing #its just a general thing #something i've been thinking on a while #and im not gonna pretend i've consumed ALL the kiss content or even all the eric content #but like. i've watched and read a LOT of eric stuff #and i feel like i get a vibe from him that seems to be all in my head #because i never see any of it reflected in the content people make #idk i'm just venting bc i dont know why i see him different #i guess im missing something #i'm also not heavily weighted toward makeup era so maybe thats a factor #and like i know i have a weird unhealthy thing about him anyway and ill probably never be happy with anything but hey im trying #like i said this isnt about anyones posts specifically more about i want the entire world to cater to me and my interests specifically lmao #(no not really. everyone keep doing your thing. i'm just recording my thoughts for myself.) #probably gonna get nervous and delete this later but hi i love u all

[garfeildfanpage]

Ok so on the topic of headcanons, I know I haven’t mentioned it yet but Terukane has been a gruesome infection in my brain for over 3 years now, and it’s about time I let the brain worms breathe

Terukane infested their way into my brain mostly because they both just so happen to be my favorite type of character design and character archetype (middle part and glasses / absolute wet cat of a man) so them also having a dynamic that makes me both very ill and also jump for joy is (to me) a combo made in heaven.

But I’m picky, especially picky with characterization in fan fiction. And I’m glad that most fics of them are written by people who understand how they behave in-series. Though my biggest fault may be that I love to write but hate the act of writing, so every idea I have is forever locked away in my noggin, I can attempt to get out something here.

Quick note I’m not a weirdo so don’t think I mean anything in any weird way at all, if you do I’ll eat your family. Okay? Okay.

Smitten Teru is probably my favorite out of any characterization of the two, just because I love how it can either be mindrottingly sweet or just ,sad, personally I love going the “kicking feet and giggling” route but both are great in their own regard.

It also might just be that I can’t really see Akane behaving the way he does for Aoi to Teru, a lot of people just kind of move Akane’s unhealthy attachment issues to him without understanding why Akane behaves like that around Aoi in the first place. (I have a whole thing about that) So it’s refreshing to have him, like, not do that.

To add onto that: aloof/repress feelings as hard as possible Akane totally rocks, and I love seeing it. Especially with the “why in the FUCK would I have LIKE someone like that??” kinda shit, rocks me, love it, can’t get enough. God it’s like the only time where cheesy relationship junk doesn’t give me second hand embarrassment, cause like they’re both so unbelievably stupid at relationships, and watching them be awkward and terrible at it really alleviates the whole existential life-or-death stuff happening in the actual manga. Losers in love kills me, and they are just that. GOD I WANT TO THROW THEM OFF A RAVINE

Also, I know a lot of fan fiction does this, but it’s never to the degree that I wish it was. Flustered/embarrassed teru kills me. It always kills me in anything when he just acts like a normal person, just like, expressing normal people emotions but because he’s so repressed it just like kills him. GOD I went through like a six month period of not crying and the moment I did again it felt like I got hit by a bus, could not IMAGINE barely ever crying my whole damn life. A good hard cry, that’s what he needs.

Anyway, I think that’s enough, if I let the brain worms out anymore they’ll form a union and force me to pay them more. Ninja out

#hot cheese #jibaku shounen hanako kun #jshk #tbhk #toilet bound hanako kun #god i love tagging this totally isn’t a massive inconvenience #teru minamoto #minamoto teru #akane aoi #which do I tag I don’t know I hate this website #aoi akane #aidairo I know it was so funny to make their names match but you have therefore cursed an entire fandom into getting their names confused #terukane #ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

[marigolddove]

💔Lovesick!Howdy Imagine

Request by: Anon

I know you probably want a one-shot and I absolutely will be doing a one-shot for Lovesick!howdy, this is just to have some ideas out there and to give you a taste of lovesick!howdy, haha. I'm having a bit of a block ATM and I'm still working on my Mafia Wally fic and my own personal fic on AO3 so my mind is a bit swamped (which is all my fault really cuz I have too many ideas at once).

Warnings: Obsessive/Possessive behaviors, angst, delusions, mentions of violence/aggression, unhealthy dependencies.

🐛🐛🐛

When Howdy first starts feeling the effects of his illness it's...different.

Like, he was already so enamoured with you every time he'd see you anyway!

When you were shopping, at events thrown by Sally or Julie, or on those days when you would offer so sweetly to help Howdy around the shop.

Oh he was already falling for you, he had no doubts about it.

But lately things have been...weird, scary even.

Here lately when he sees you he can't stop looking at you. At all. Even when part of him wants to, even when you look up and catch him and give him a soft smile that makes his breath catch and his knees weak (that smile has been getting shaky the more you've caught him but he can't tell).

He feels like he can't breathe when you look at him, it's so overwhelming; but he doesn't want you to stop! Oh no, the opposite actually.

He was certain that if you stopped looking at him for too long he would combust, his body and mind burns when you aren't around, aren't looking at him or speaking to him.

And it is so scary, for everyone not just him.

You notice first, of course, you are so sweet, so caring. Of course you would notice he wasn't himself first! You love him! He knows you must.

You have to.

Gosh, if you didn't love him...well there wouldn't be any point of sticking around would there?

Of course he could always just wait for you to fall in love with him, he'd wait forever and a day for you.

Maybe it was mighty off of him to start abandoning his duties around the shop, and okay maybe it was weird for him to peek into your windows; but it's been days since he's seen you! Everyone claims they haven't seen or heard from you, which he feels like must be a lie.

Someone as sweet and social as you wouldn't just cut everyone off, especially him!

Why are they all lying? Why are they all hiding you?! He would never hurt you!

Who were they to judge him! Who were they to keep you two apart! He needs you, now more than ever.

He needs your sweet smiles, soft and caring touches and comforting aura.

The bugdega becomes a shadow of what it once was and it affects everyone in the neighborhood.

Howdy refuses to clean it, refuses to make more orders or restock until you're back.

He admits he goes a bit overboard when he practically trashes Poppy's home on his hunt for you, Poppy is—was his friend, everyone was, but then they all lied. Liars aren't friends.

Not when their lies hurt.

He wouldn't have to be so confrontational if someone would just tell the truth! If you would just come and see him like you go off and see everyone else in secret now!

Julie says you left, that you took only what was necessary and left the neighborhood.

That was a mean lie, a hurtful one, it made him feel hurt all over.

Made his chest ache, his fuzz stand on end and his head swim, but most of all it made him see red.

Why would she say that?! Why would anyone say something so horrible; so awful?!

You wouldn't do that! Leave all your furniture and beloved knick knacks and movies and books; your collections of memories, you wouldn't just abandon all your friends.

You wouldn't abandon him.

Some things are a...blur to him after that. He isn't sure what he did, but it wasn't nice or good and it wasn't anything he should be capable of; not Howdy Pillar, friendly and kind shop keeper, beloved member of the neighborhood.

Whatever he did it was bad enough to make Barnaby hit him, shove him, why would Barnaby hurt him now? Didn't he understand he was already in so much pain? Weren't they friends?

Things are wrong when you aren't here to help him.

The rest of the neighborhood is quick to react, Wally is the man with the plan.

He tells Howdy that you're resting at Home and that he can go see you as long as he calms down.

Finally!!

The truth and some help, Howdy knew he could count on Wally! He's the friendliest and most helpful in the neighborhood, after all!

What Howdy doesn't know is that you really did leave, intending to come back when you received word things had calmed down or that Howdy was okay.

You couldn't stay after hearing him try to open your door while you "slept", you had stood in silent horror as you watched the door handle jiggle and the door strain from his weight.

Thankfully he hadn't tried any harder than that, since the sickness hadn't reached its true peak.

And now, as Howdy moves deeper into Home, his heart beats impossibly quick and his ears ring as he imagines your sleeping form in Wally's guest room.

Only for the front door to slam shut behind him, but he doesn't care yet.

It's only when he finds the guest room empty that he starts to feel tricked, and when he realizes that Home is entirely devoid of you or anyone else he knows he's been tricked.

Now it's too late, he's trapped in here. Without anyone, all his friends must be outside laughing at him.

And as he shouts, shakes and bangs at all exits he can find he imagines you, so radiant and enchanting that it blinds him to the horror that his life is.

Like I said I fully intend on making Howdy content this is just a taste, I love making and reading imagines like these, I hope you enjoyed this!

#howdy x reader #lovesick #lovesick!howdy #Howdy Pillar #headcanons #ideas #welcome home #imagine

[galaxythreads]

To be honest, I don't know. If you'd asked me a few years ago I would have honestly said no and been kind of offended anyone could hold Loki accountable for anything. But the thing is - now, after a lot of therapy, I don't think that mental illness or distress is an excuse for hurting people unless it is a genuine psychosis. If I was Loki's lawyer, which I'm not, I would say he was experiencing temporary insanity (a type of psychosis sort of) at the end of Thor 1.

But here's the thing, even if Loki wasn't really aware that what he was doing was wrong - did he still hurt the people around him? Yes. He did. Thor will carry lifelong mental scars from that fight. So to me, it's a gray area. Loki may not have understood what he was doing was wrong per se, but Thor was still hurt anyway. And this is not, in any way, a trade-off. Thor has hurt Loki in the movie, so Loki gets one free pass for all that he did to Thor? No. Not how this works. You don't get to hurt someone just because they hurt you. Like that works in fiction as motivation because it's fiction. Thor was hurt, and Loki was hurt. Their relationship is a mess and that was the point of the movie. They both hurt each other.

In the Avengers, Loki's official, MCU given body count may be 80-160ish people, but what about injuries? Mental trauma in the aftermath? Grieving loved ones? That's a minimum of 1000+ people affected.

And here's a not-so-secret secret: I don't think Loki was mind controlled in A1. I don't.

I know MCU has said Loki was being influenced by the scepter, but what does that even mean? They've never explained and Loki doesn't behave the same way that Clint or co did when they were mind-controlled. The scepter clearly has WEIRD effects on people, but what that means for Loki is ?????? They've never explained that further than a couple of sentences and before I accept this as being like canon-canon, I have to know what that means.

I will happily die on the hill that he was tortured by Thanos -- you will pull that from my dead, rotting fingers -- and that is a type of coercion that would absolve a lot of guilt, but I do and don't think Loki bares some responsibility for the invasion. I don't know. It's a gray area. I like the idea that Loki was tortured and then he agreed to attack New York to escape it. Mostly because I'm not afraid to wrap characters in darkness. I think Loki is allowed to have done something awful to escape something equally awful. Gray area. I'm not afraid to poke at the gray area.

But the thing is? Even if Loki 100% absolutely bares blame for Thor 1 and Avengers 1, canon matters very little to me in MCU anymore. They haven't given me anything I was happy to accept into my personal canon since Infinity War. I write fics with whatever now. I characterize Loki off of OG Loki and will continue to do so until I die, sometimes I put in that he was mind-controlled, more often than not I don't. I write Loki as a good person who did an awful thing to escape a worse thing that defines the rest of their existence but they're still trying to be a good person anyway. When I engage with Thor 1, I write Loki as having gone through a massive psychosis, but still having hurt Thor. I write Thor and Loki's relationship as both of them having hurt the other but still willing to burn down worlds for each other. Y'know, just a tad (lot) unhealthy. (But in a fun way because this is fiction and no one is hurt by it). Like my version of canon is slightly detached from canon and I know that, but like? I don't care. No one cares? Do you know the amount of comments I've gotten about a character being ooc in the last 1-2 years in MCU?

0.

Because what even is canon at this point? I could write Loki as literally anything and there would be a canon justification for it because Loki's canon characterization is such a mess now that there's no "correct" version of him anymore.

Like guys -- I write about Hela being a good sister. Do you think canon backs that? Absolutely not. Do I care? No?????? no I don't. She, Thor, and Loki are the best siblings in my heart and I will continue to write about that despite what canon says.

Once I let go of the idea that every character I like is secretly a 100% moral human being who is free of any guilt or terrible things, it relieved a lot of guilt and expectations I have for the characters. One of my main characters in my original book series has a body count in the actual millions and I absolutely adore them, okay? Because it's fiction. No one is hurt by me liking this character. I'm not going to start advocating for death. I've liked Loki since I was 15, and I didn't grow up to be a murderer. Honestly, now I kind of prefer the little bit of darkness because redemption stories are just my Thing TM. I love, love taking the dark or dark-adjacent characters and then dragging them into a found family against their will.

So I don't need Loki to be free of all guilt in order to like him. But I'm also happy to explore the idea that he is because it's fun either way. Darkness or less darkness, he's still just Loki.

(That's why I'm having fun with the Loki season 2. Because to me it's like a fic that took one interpretation of what happened and rolled with it. Because canon is whatever at this point. Loki in the series did attack New York by choice. Does that strictly agree with canon of A1? No. Absolutely not. They're ignoring so much, but the series isn't about that event specifically even as much as I wish it WAS, it's about Loki's relationship with the other characters. Idk. It's complicated.)

Fics are often a love letter to canon, an exploration/extension of what canon is, but other times they're someone looking at canon and going "WHY." and then rewriting it. I'm in the latter part now. I used to be the former, but MCU is just. MCU now. So I kind of looked at Loki and Thor, took a cookie cutter to both of them and then left with that. There's still other dough, but I don't care about it.

So yes I hold him accountable. And no. And kind of both?

#loki #thor #loki and thor

[calronhunt]

didnt want to be extra annoying and ask this on your art blog so ill settle for just being annoying.. was anything in wac inspired by the life series? like designs or well, anything! discovered ur stuff on youtube and went ooooh and then snooped through all the art i could find and was repeatedly reminded of the sillies that occupy my brain. sorry 2 be weird! ik its the worst question to be asked sorry but its hurting my brain wondering and not knowing

Aw shit ya caught me. I was gonna reveal this fact much later down the line bc ive been kinda open that WAC started out as an AU just not for what. Primarily the reason for secrecy is bc i don't want people to look at this story i put a lot of myself and my experience into and go "I can't believe you tricked me into reading about minecraft men" bc the story has expanded a lot past these intial inspirations.

So before i go into all the inspirations, I wanna make this perfectly clear. WAC's plot is almost completely original, baring some small scenes inspired by events in the Life series and the basic set up. It's a three act story that is mostly about me and my partners problems regarding abuse and personhood. The Life Series au was a starting point and it kinda spiraled out from that lollll.

(Also I saw your other ask and it doesn't bother me at all! Its been something ive wanted to talk about anyway simply bc i find the inspirations funny. Plus I promised myself if someone realized and asked I would talk about it. Also i just love talking about inspiration and seeing how you got from one thing to the next, maybe others would like the same.)

1. "Why are they cats?" This started as an au once again but i felt too embarrassed talking about it publicly as a mcyt au so I gave them cat designs. That's the only reason lol

Lain - Inspired primarily by 3rd life and lim life martyn in regards to both his devotion to the king (ren) and mariner (scott). Lain and Mariner originally started as Majorwood shipping cats but then became more about their unhealthy power dynamics and two people being stuck together it spiraled into what we have now! Especially since I believe Martyn killed Jimmy (Canary) in 3rd life? Or at least scott accuses him as such so that's where that came from.

Mariner - 3rd/lim life scott! His obsession with the sea, his name, his relationship to Canary, his ties to Lain, and his design is pulled from scott. That's about all that's similar now though. His personality is completely different. Hes a shitty fuckinh dude.

Canary - 3rd life Jimmy Solidarity but like fucking barely and just bc hes married to mariner (flower husbands). Took his name from the fandom calling him a canary because he always dies first and that's basically it. Also worked with the bird name theme i was starting to go with

The King - 3rd life ren but again fucking BARELY except for his relationship with Lain and being a king and trying to conquer shit. That's like. It.

Condor - he's just mr good times with scar. Hes like, the closest to his mcyt counterpart probably and im not even sorry. Took primarily from 3rd life and lim life once again though in regards to his relationship with Crane (Cleo), Warbler (bdubs), and Scout (Etho) (and also the fact the group is called the flock is a cheeky callback to the family being called the clockers)

Crane - stated above, Cleo, but only bc shes mom in the clockers family. Nothing else.

Warbler - limlife bdubs but again fucking BARELY. I think the bdubs skin is the most i drew on for her design with the fucked up eye and teeth.

Grouse - mr 3rd life grian. Dating condor because desert duo and feeling indebted to him for that as well. And just. Generally little guy vibes.

Scout - etho. Just for chill vibes. Dating Crabe because hes "dad" in lim life and dating Wolf (Joel) bc of double life halfslab.

Wolf - Primarily last life joel with the living alone in the woods thing and joel just being a like. Maniac in the life series with the murders and such. Dating scout again bc of double life. The her having canary's skull thing is just for my friend who is a big fucked up smallidarity shipper.

Sycamore, coal, and aster are original characters i made specifically for the story.

I would again like to state that the story is BARELY tied to things that happen in the life series, and its mostly my personal experiences and silly thoughts. The silly minecraft men were just the jumping off point and all of their arcs are original so there ya go <3

#ask #waves always crash

[merrillapologist]

Fyodor sounds super cool! Could you tell me more about them?

oh boy. You’ve opened pandora’s box

Fyodor started as a Warden Amell, they were my shithead playthrough where I picked all the funny fucked up dialogue and did the fucked up choices (not the mage genocide but like, fucking the desire demon instead of saving Connor, poisoned ashes, etc) except I started making funny hcs about them and then accidentally got really attached to them and started making actually serious hcs about them until they stopped being a sillyfunny character for my bastard playthru and started being an actual oc

In their current iteration that’s developed through rp, Fyodor is the younger sibling of the Amell origin. They’re a half elven bastard who’s also related to the Lavellan origin on their dad’s side, and so when their mother disappeared and the rest of their siblings were taken to Circles, their stepfather kind of didn’t wanna deal with them, so he shipped them off to a friend in Tevinter. Lucky for them, they wound up being a magic prodigy and fairly quickly managed admission into the Minrathous Circle, but being raised in that cutthroat ass environment immensely fucked them up and made them really, really crave the fantasy of control and power over it. Eventually they caught the eye of a Magister who had produced no suitable heir and he began grooming them to be the perfect mage, getting them involved in his schemes and pretty quickly crushing whatever altruism and optimism they had left. But he did his job too well, because he was just a stepping stone to them, and Fyodor began slowly poisoning him, which presented as him falling ill - expected in his old age. Naturally, he named his prodigal student to be his heir, and Fyodor earned a seat in the Magisterium upon his death.

Anyways, come DA2, they find themself in Kirkwall to deal with the Tome of Koslun plot, and they quickly find that hey, they still have family in the city! One thing leads to another, and they end up getting pretty much adopted in the Hawkes. See, while they’re a domineering cunt in Tevinter, they know that doesn’t serve them in Kirkwall, so they let the mask down and present more as a silly zany cousin to the Hawkes. It’s actually kind of really good for them, gives them a break from the false niceties and backstabbing of Tevinter politics and lets them act like an actual person and be a little goofy and earnest from time to time. That, and they developed a big emptiness in Tevinter what with the huge importance placed on bloodline and familial ties, what with them not knowing their biodad’s side of the family at all, Revka being who knows where, and their siblings all being in Circles to their knowledge. So the Hawkes being blood relatives kind of fulfills that need, but the whole Kirkwall gang becomes a weird found family to them. That is to say, while they’re in Tevinter doing Magister business in between Acts most of the time, they wind up in Kirkwall as a companion for the main story beats to hang out.

Obviously, not a good person at all, and their friendly down to earth Kirkwall persona is just another mask. There isn’t really a real Fyodor, they have NPD like hell and don’t feel like they exist outside the perceptions of others, so every interaction is them bending to what they think their company wants them to be. Enter Fenris rivalmance because he’s the only one that really sees right through them, which is another thing that happened through rp pretty organically and kinda unexpectedly. I can talk about them in another post but TLDR: enemies to hatefucking to ghosting to husbands. They’re emotionally messy as fuck until Act 3 but not in a totally unhealthy way, just that they’re both unwell mfs who don’t deal with their issues like they’ve had 280 hours of DBT. It helps that, unlike the canon rivalmance, Fyodor doesn’t invalidate how Fenris feels ever, they actually really agree with a lot of his views on Tevinter and will openly tell Anders to fuck off and stop bothering him, which throws Fenris a lot but Fyo is really only in it for their own power and doesn’t actually like Tevinter, it’s just the only country where being a blood magic prodigy is grounds for rulership. Fyodor is a smug annoying little bastard, but they’re pretty respectful to him, his beef with them is more a moral revulsion to them. It takes time for Fenris to actually grow to trust Fyodor actually cares about him, but luckily, DA2’s time frame leaves room for that to happen. The hatefucking is because it’s a more mutually beneficial way to settle arguments, without any feelings attached until act 2-3 intermission except there very much are and both of them are in denial about it. Eventually they wind up together by act 3 :]

In DAI, Fyodor hears about the Venatori because they’re targeted for recruitment - they’re one of the most knowledgeable demonologists in Tevinter, and the Venatori need that. Except they know it’s bullshit, they think it’s horrific, so they join mostly out of morbid curiosity and for political partnerships with other Magisters in it while tipping off the Archon to their identities so he can hunt them for sport a la Magekiller. So when the Inquisition is founded, Fyo and Fen run off to join, Fyo as a quote unquote Venatori spy (except they straight up go to the Inquisition and up front say the Venatori want them to spy and arrange to be a double agent for Leliana instead) Basically in DAI they’re a very shady morally grey antihero playing both sides of the war but ultimately they want the Venatori out of Tevinter and they want to make the country better. They’re like a more self serving cunty morally loose Dorian basically. (They also happen to be catty exes with Dorian, fun story) Post game they end up being a founding member of the Lucerni!

Besides all that, some other fun details: They’re profoundly Deaf & autistic !! They communicate through sign language and they have a peppy apprentice named Minerva who travels with them to interpret for them and get in on their crazy magic bullshit. They have a lifelong special interest in entomology and publish research on local insects as a side hobby, all their outfits have some element of insectoid motif and they have big big hyperempathy for bugs because they were neglected by their adoptive father in Tevinter and it led to them having a really big love for “pests” and bugs most people overlook. They have a big love for roaches and they have pet hissers among other bugs :) They care for their pets more than anything and are very defensive of bugs in general. On more than one occasion they have genuinely deadass used blood magic to control the rest of the DA2 party to stop them from killing a bug. By the end of act 1 it’s a known fact that if you try to smash or step on a bug in their presence you Will get blood magic’ed into leaving it be while they take it outside. Also, loosely alluded to it in my tags for that other post, but they have a complex array of runes and sigils carved into their skin providing the effects of antimagic enchantments, mostly preventing blood magic use against them. It has the side effect of thinning the veil around them and making them kinda unnerving to be around to anyone sensitive to shifts in the veil.

TLDR: Silly goofy bitch Da2 fan companion who blood magicked and girlbossed their way into the Magisterium and winds up worming their way into the Hawkes’ hearts

#long post #oc: fyodor vatia

[philsmeatylegss]

aaa sorry hopefully you're okay with people responding to your rambles (your most recent one that talks about suicide). just wanted to say i'm very very proud of you for healing and i can relate to your post.

hopefully you are okay with me sharing this story but im a young phannie, im 15, and i found them when i was 11 which was a few months before quarantine hit. extremely long story short, for me 11-13 years old were the scariest years of my life and i don't think anything will ever come close to that again (thank god). that's when i used to rely heavily on dan and phil videos (mostly phil). like i just have so many memories of like i don't know, being on a road trip with my family and being completely out of my mind but i would turn on an amazingphil video or a song that amazingphil mentioned and desperately try to immerse myself into that rather than my thoughts. now that i'm 15 (which is like. unbelievable honestly) i see their content on my feed but i rarely ever engage anymore, and when i do it feels like making my inner child happy. it's weird to think that something i held very close to me and that kept me above water for so long belongs in the past now along with really deep trauma. even if i ever get back into binging phil's videos (i probably will because man he is so nostalgic to watch and i just love him) i'm sure i will never engage with them the way i used to, because i'm simply not the same person. it's sad and also really euphoric and healing at the same time to watch yourself let go. anyways that's my 3am rant lol (i have yet to lose younger me's sleep schedule) thank you for listening and please have a wonderful day/night ❤️

I literally relate so hard to this and it’s really comforting to hear similar stories to mine. I fucking hate when people dismiss mental illness if the person is <14. Ages 12-14 were truly the most terrifying years of my life where I truly believed I would not be able to keep living. I’m very thankful I was surrounded by people who took it seriously so I was able to get help early on. But it’s so important to recognize the little things that also got us through. I know there’s a lot of people who roll their eyes when you say this musician or content creator or actor or whatever saved my life and that’s because people take it too literal. I do credit dan and phil and twenty one pilots with saving my life. Obviously, it wasn’t just that. It was years of therapy and medication and healing, but their content, what they brought into my life, was something I needed to hold on to. It gave me motivation. It was a distraction from pain that wasn’t harmful to myself. I connected with people who I truly felt understood me. And that’s something I needed during that period of my life. Now that I’m older and developed a personality and I’m so far from where I was, I don’t need to be obsessive because I don’t need a constant healthy distraction to get me through life. I can just be a regular fan. And still enjoy that little rush of joy I get when they upload. It’s such a unique experience that, though I am so sad people can relate to, is so important and interesting to discuss. I often joke about being suicidal and really mentally ill at a really young age and I know a lot of others do too. And that’s okay, but it truly is important to congratulate yourself for still sticking around. Even if you are still depressed or unhealthy. And it’s okay to have motivations like being a fan to keep you happy and to keep you going. It’s also okay if you’re getting older and you want to let go a little bit. You don’t have to completely abandon it. I know I’m so fucking far from abandoning dnp and 21p. But it’s okay to not be as obsessive as you were. It’s a sign you’ve grown up. You’ve healed. I appreciate so much what dnp and 21p did for me and I still remain a loyal fan, but it’s okay for me to let go because I can live without needing them. Being suicidal at such a young age is a very specific, tragic experience that you can only understand if you went through it. That’s why it’s hard to discuss topics like this without sounding batshit crazy. But I’m glad some of us are here talking about it.

#asks #dan and phil

[coyotevallie]

hi i do not know what the theia n adam thingy is about but. please do elaborate because now i am curious

OOOOO OKAY so quick theia summary [SEASON 2 JUNOVERSE SPOILERS IN THIS WHOLE POST LOL i try not to spoil any more than is necessary but i do spoil a Lot just bc u kinda have to . no spoilers for anything after that tho i havent even listened to s4] is that the theia in the penumbra podcast is basically this cybernetic eye that the protagonist is given by this like sort of father figure thats attempting to manipulate him through positive attention and shit theres a bunch of other lore going on there but thats all u really need to know for this post . it starts as helpful and gets said protag back on his feet but begins to take more and more control of his life and it looks like his weirdo bf at one point . this isnt a great summary whoopsie but it serves

n e ways so my thought is that sydney having that and it being adam and taking advantage of his emotions of loneliness would be kind of cool .... and instead of being a robotic woman voice its jsut this weirdo fucking guy who he sort of hallucinates in his vision because of how the eye works . i think lucille gave it to him partially bc of similar themes to the original show but also because lucille would totally just have like freaky future age technology lying around for no reason to manipiulate people plus it furthers the themes of sydney relying on her medically . also the adamtheia is red instead of blue bc thats cool

anyway so adam sort of acts as a therapist still but maybe a physical therapist also?? bc he controls sydneys faculties kinda . which sydney at first finds great becasue hes not lonely anymore but he starts slowly realizing hes losing his autonomy but by this point its too late . i think adam does take the form of jedidiah sometimes also to make a point or to trick sydney which happens in the show as well but defintely NOT in the way the show did bc jedidiah would be too embarrassed to ever wear that fucking slutty little nightgown and sydney would know something was up instantaneously lmao

ermies but diverging from the canon stuff MORE i think itd be cool if adam was more sentient and maybe kinda diverged from what lucille wanted?? like lucille had her own weird manipulative gains but adam is weird and freaky and alive and tries to make things happen to fuck lucille over and get his own weird goals achieved

also i think itd be cool if like . idk how sydney lost his eye but Somehow he did idk ill work this out later and the weird uppy adam eye was originally jedidiahs work?? maybe thats how its so freaky and magical and advanced engineering-wise . bc i do think hed make a cybernetic eye that is maybe a little overly helpful to the degree of having some queries about whether its healthy for it to help u w so much or if its bordering on losing full autonomy but it wouldnt be MALICIOUS or intentionally controlling or violating jedidiah is just weird about being helpful . but then some Force like probably a mix of both lucille and just adams ai take it and warp it and make it way more Maliciously controlling and intentionally intrusive (mostly bc i thinkt he parallels between jedidiahs Unhealthy But Well Intentioned controlling traits and other characters including lucille's Malicious controlling traits are quite interesting)

i imagine this being kinda vaguely season one.... like a season one divergent thing . i think itd be kinda cool if there was a parallel of the gun scene from promised land (for context the theia manipulates the protag into shooting someone) but with elijah .... mostly bc i thnk Wihle jedidiahs actively ignoring sydney would make sydney very easily manipulated via his loneliness and need for guidance which adam-theia-thing would provide 2 him

#rambling ........ #camp here and there

[quillsink]

I'm going to have a big exam today and I'm scared so anyways this is a good time for Felix ranting about his interests again

So today's episode is Elegies: A song cycle

A "musical" (Kind of) by William Finn. Yes the same one who wrote Falsettos, I have an unhealthy obsession with him.

So Elegies. It's a song cycle as the title suggests but it was performed live so it's more of a musical than not a musical. And it's about people who died. That's. Literally what it's about.

Every song is dedicated to someone in Bill's (yes we're on nickname basis by now, no he doesn't know I exist, yes he's 70) life who has died. And it's sad. But also funny. And because of the time and place (which is basically anywhere from his childhood to 2003 when it was first performed and in New York for the most part except for the parts about Massachusetts) it does touch on both the AIDS crisis and 9/11 which is the more heavy part.

Other than that, there's also a song dedicated to Bill's mother (also one of the heavy ones), one to his past dogs, one to his boyfriend's ex boyfriend, one to a sapphic couple, several to various composers, one to his favorite teacher growing up and one to his childhood home from where his family moved away.

And it's just. It makes me feel things you know? Good and bad things alike? Why does this man's music always make me cry? Help?

Anywaysss the original cast features Michael Rupert and Christian Borle both which is interesting because they both played Marvin in Falsettos (well Christian didn't yet at that time but I believe it is the first Bill Finn musical he appeared in which is interesting)

Rant over I think. Oh and one of the songs which isn't on the album but I did find a bootleg of has Christian Borle making weird chicken noises and that one creeps me out I don't like it.

Okay now rant truly over Imma melt into a puddle of anxiety now.

Okay okay deep breaths Felix!! I love you and you got this, do your best. Also, one exam isn’t the end of the world, there are countless opportunities and one exam doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things

Ohhh woah that’s really heavy topics but it can be heart wrenching if well handled

It sounds really interesting, something with an original format and heartbreaking, Ill have to listen to it sometime!!

Okay again you got this Flame, I love you and you are stronger than you know. Deep breaths, remember, doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. Hang in there!!

#ask #felix/flame

[live-love-laugh-lesbian]

hiii!! me again akjsdhkjashd

ELECTRIC SAXOPHONES ARE A THING?!?? WHATTTTT THATS SOO COOL OMG AKSJDHJSDH

omg i think i am 'people' (the type of person who has patience for the latter : visual novel and not the former : working w children askjdhakjsh) i think i just dont have the capability to be able to handle children i cant even handle myself asjdhajsldh

wait thats so cool that your mum works with kids as well! its relatable for me to bc i do computer science and my sister did and her bff does and my bff does its crazy akjsdhkasjh its like a domino affect from person to person lmaooo

oh yeahh i totally get the thing w poorly trained dogs i mainly talk about those tiny harmless ones ir if they are big those sweet chill oness!! ur uncles' dog sounds adorablee!! and so do your cats omg! and thank you <3 i know not alll cats are like that and if i see a cat i will try to pet it ajlsdhalsjhd unless its scared of me ofc

omg i know you mentioned before that your hobbies are sewing and stuff and that you were sewing a trouser but like i didnt know you MADE trousers!! thats soo coolll youre basically a fashion designer!! and lilac trousers i would sooo wear those omg SEQUINED HEARTS AHHHHHHHHH this sounds soo cute

im a sagittarius! one of my best friends is a scorpio!! so whenever i see her now ill think of you!!!! asdaslkdjasld so real w atla lmaooo and also so real w swimming asdjhjasdh

oh yeah i love art too! and spending time w your sister sounds so cute and fun!! and then a date w your gf sounds soo adorable this sounds like such a comfy classic cozy day! i would spend my day probably by playing guitar, art and for the majority sleeping or going on my phone ajksdhkd if its a rainy day id go for a nice hot chocolate and a brownie coated in whipped cream bc who doesnt love whipped cream asdhsaj stardew valleyyy!! my childhoodd!! i like playing games but its mainly like yansim (i swear im not crazy askdjaslkdj i just find it too addictingggg) AKLSHDJKASHD competitive i sooo get that i get really competitive in games as well lmaoo to the point its unhealthy ahhhh

they sound like awesome compliments! for me any compliment is my fav ajksdhkjs i love compliments on my singing, intelligence and this is lowkey weird but my hair ajkshdjsd my hair never looks good for some reason so if someone says it does one day then i will be beaming and happy for the rest of the day ahhh i also love compliments in my art and my coding! and yes professional compliments ESPECIALLY from children are the best validation ever akjshdjksadh

my question for you: what's something about the modern-day world that bothers you, and what’s something about it that brings you joy?

byee! have a lovely dayy!

-swiftie spring exchange anon idek askldhalsjd

Hello again! Apologies if my answer is short, I am ill and very tired but I wanna reply.

Computer science is so cool!! What sort of stuff do you do with that? Programming or uhhh...here's where I show my lack of computer science knowledge...anyways I'm curious XD (Saw you said coding later!! That's so cool!!!)

I getcha XD My other uncle has dogs too! Ex racing greyhounds, he likes to give them a happy retirement. They can be chaotic but I can't blame them too much, they were trained to chase small things after all! As a kid I accidentally stepped on one of their tails...I felt so guilty!! But the dog was chill and I gave him a treat to say sorry XD

I've been making a lot of trousers recently cause I realised I owned like...2. Except then I get more and more ideas and have to narrow them down XD The current pair are...sort of almost done. Made, fabric hearts sewn on, the sequins will go around the edges of them, but it's gonna take a while. Wearing them anyways in the mean time XD

Your day sounds good too!! Brownies my beloved...I have such a sweet tooth it's unreal XD And nah I've played Yansim too. Not for a while, but no judgement! And look if one isn't playing to WIN then what's the point in playing XD (I say that, in games like Stardew Valley I'm more relaxed, but that's not pvp soooo)

Sounds like good compliments!! I used to get compliments on my hair back when it was longer (I was like 18 at the time). It was so long it was inconvenient, I had to move it to sit down lol. And now it's super short XD Complete 180. I'm sure your hair is lovely however!!

Modern day world...tbh how often you need to call people. Like some places don't have emails anymore?? Or require calls anyways?? don't do phone calls really and I HATE the trend of "phone or nothing".

Does government stuff count too? If so like. Governments. They're run so poorly I swear to god. I don't think that's new to the modern world however XD What about you?

Adding to that topic: what's something you hope to see in the next five years? :)

#swift spring exchange anon

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary66

11/16-17/2023

thursday-friday

crazy how many airplanes i hear. entry will be short i feel like.

it's all stuff happening for formula one i think. lots of private jets supposedly. still not enough traffic here to fill these seats though, and tonight a part of the track destroyed a guy's car because it wasn't built correctly. literally not the driver's fault at all. insane stuff, a psychotic waste of money.

anyways i think i'm starting to start to feel better, but i did learn today that my cat is probably going to die soon. really sad about that. i haven't seen him in a while. he's had 12 years on earth, that makes me think he has wanted to live, to be here that long. whatever wanting means to a cat. recently my friend pulled this cat out of his car, he stuck himself to the bottom, near the engine, he was really scared he'd have to kill the animal, just drive away, but he managed to pull him out of the car. last night, i was looking at old videos of my cat, the day before finding out. strange things happening about cats lately. i am going to miss my cat. i've been missing him. our other cat died this year too. she lasted a good amount of time. but not a long time. she was adopted, she came to us ill, and we made her healthy, but she i guess quickly got unhealthy again, she overate a lot. so she was big, and maybe that made her live less than she could have. i was the one feeding them. whenever she wanted food i gave it to her. maybe i shouldn't have. when she came to us she was too skinny, she also died pretty skinny. but with lots of extra skin. our only cat left then will be this weird stray my stepdad picked up. we know nothing about his past. he is just a strange and well behaved guy, mostly, until he decides to mess with the others. but they won't be around to mess with. or the only other one won't be. it's been a long time since i've seen the cats. maybe i should visit just for my mom. i know this is all making her very upset. i also know that she has pigeons now that she takes care of, maybe they die easier, and maybe that's made her more used to it. i don't know if i hope so or not. mostly, i don't want my cat to really fall ill. he hasn't been eating, he has puked a lot. maybe it's momentary. he is a strangely strong animal. we got him from a family, while my cousin was moving and my mom was helping. this little girl ran up to her, and said: you take him, our dog will hurt him. so my mom did. the cat came to us with a broken tail because, i think probably to make sure a dog didn't kill him, someone shut a door too quickly, clipping his tail. that was in october of 2011, when my mom and i ran away from my stepdad for a while. he kept saying: it's the holidays, we have to be family during the holidays. i guess that was when it turned november, towards that time, we started living with my grandma. the cat was okay in that environment, her cats were funny but not too much. i think. or was that a second time we ran away for a while. it's funny how homeschool is really what enabled my mom to do that. since it was via computer, she could easily uproot me, and i didn't mind because i wanted to run away from him too. but we couldn't, for long. i think i inherited my mom's inability to work. it's something in my brain, her's too. there's no way to afford to take him to the vet. my stepdad lives off early(ish) retirement + money made off being a crossing guard during the school year. he doesn't even do photography stuff anymore i feel like. he has dreams of producing a book of photos of bighorn sheep to sell in giftshops. i guess i hope it happens.

i don't want to get into why we wanted to escape, but it's not like he beat us. it just made us feel less alive to be around him. that's how i felt i guess. i can't speak for my mother. my cat was something we couldn't get with him around, and since we got him while they split, he had to come back with us, it was conditional like that. stepdad of course says yes because he is desperate to not be alone. the cat got on well with the dogs when he got big enough. our cat is like a fragment of freedom from that time, i guess. for her, she is still not free. i am. it doesn't mean he means less, honestly i never thought about him like this, it's just true that he is. i wonder if it's more painful for her. in a lot of ways, she only said he was mine, to help me learn responsibility and stuff. i think it helped. in a lot of ways, he was her cat because he stayed with her a lot more, he slept in her bed usually, he would come to me though. i miss that. any time an animal was nice to me like that it really meant a lot. it still does.

i will miss you cruikschanks, when you do go (my mom named him (another reason he is in some ways her cat), that is how you spell it).

anyway i finished the main riff in that new tiny song, and started a new one. i think maybe there are either 1-2 more tiny songs needed by this album, and then i can just, focus, i guess. i want the last 1-2 to really be 20-30 seconds at most each.

but it's hard to focus right now, because of all this stupid shit in my head. i just want to void out, i guess.

listening to jenny piccolo, the discog comp, studying riffs kind of, or at least thinking i am. i just like hearing music that's like this.

anyway,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!

[aprayerforclarity]

9/26

Soup meat... That term has been on my mind for several days... A rotten soap meat to keep my grandma away... I feel like I'm tired of dissexing everything and now I just want to embrace the mystic, or what I would previous call "being ADHD" or "mentally-ill".

Of course I've been aware of morning pages, just letting my mind roam free to write down whatever comes to the forefront of my conciousness. But it's so crazy to me how random and urgently these things comes to me. "Soup meat" has been a reoccurring idea in my mind since this past Sunday. Our group of close friends had a soup potluck party and listened to scary stories. I guess that's where this soup thing is coming from. I really don't know why. But anyways, now I'm going to up the floodgates and just free assosciate. I'm now going to let whatever comes to my mind be written down:

Soup-may be hornidasser. Mendway be a furmone. En tient et talliwhoagus mini mimen me mo mo.

I don't know, know everything is seeming really forced. Sorry to anyone else who happens to stumble upon this.

Another thing that is tugging a bit at my mind today is the suicide of a guy I know from the gym. To be honest, I did usually get a weird vibe from the guy, but not in a mentally ill way. He always seemed to be scheming with other guys in the locker room, usually talking about money jobs and getting "compensated for advanced work." He just always seemed like a finance bro, disguised as a long-haired mountain man from Denver. He was always trying to host these meet-ups to talk about coding and coffee. I went to one of them, but it really did seem like a scam... He was talking about how he wanted to build a tech conference in Harrisonburg and basically made it seem like we were all getting in on the ground floor. It really was that kind of vibe, some arbitrary goldmine that he had the brilliant idea to tap into. I remember something that really turned me off was when he said something to the effect of, "I have big aspirations for myself and anyone else in my orbit."

I got this image in my head of Dave thinking of myself as some goliath. Of course, I've learned that you really do need to believe in yourself, have pride and confidence that you are destined for great things if that's what you want to do. But the part about people being in orbit around him: to me, that really told me a lot about how he sees himself and the people around me. Foreign bodies, rotating in the gravitorial wake of the main attraction.

Anyways, yesterday one of the young men Dave was sinking his teeth into saw me in the locker room and beckoned me over. In a hushed tone and his thick, Salvadorean accent, he told me that Dave had shot himself in the head about two weeks ago. Obviously I was very blindsided and thought that was crazy. What I appreciate about the young man, Alex, was that he told me that if I was ever in an unhealthy place, one of suicide or just depression, that I should never hesitate to reach out and talk to him. Of course I reciprocated the response, but I thought, even though I can speak passing Spanish, I've never offered true support to someone else in my non-native language like he did.

I've been trying to look up what happened to Dave, but there's no mentions of the incident anywhere online. All I could find were his crazy videos online of him reading the bible, or videos of his clearly bored children being taught how to code in Ruby.

Very crazy stuff. I scrolled through his Github, LinkedIn and Youtube channel before I had to turn away. It was both disturbing and enthralling. I feel horrible for his wife and children.

It really does just go to show that you never really know what someone is going through. Going to the gym and taking care of your body and just a piece of overall health, and that mental health and making your life decisions as carefully as you can are vital to your survival and wellbeing. Alex said it was something that had to do with his family life, and I don't know the details, but suicide should never be the answer. It is the only answer to someone who is mentally ill, convinced that darkness is the only path ahead.

[cutlikediamonds]

052723

weekends have always sucked i think. growing up it meant being stuck with the family all weekend, but i wasnt able to articulate that i hated it at the time. i wasnt aware enough to realize that i was so overstimulated and overwhelmed by them. im the youngest, and they all say im mature for my age, but it hasnt always been like that. when i was still too young to have a consistent idea of my role here i was the sensitive one. i was always being pushed to an outburst because someone was pushing my buttons and i didnt know how to tell them to stop and id just cry. and then its that patronizing older sibling consoling where they mostly just dont want mom to hear that im crying, or i move on from it but theres ‘jokes’ for the rest of the night about how sensitive i am. its funny that that turned into me being the one notorious for not crying ever and being less wildly emotional than everyone else. anyway. 

then the weekends sucked because it was too hard to restrict during them. i didnt have the school structure and mom was home to cook more like big breakfasts or meals shed be too tired for in the week. then at college the weekends sucked because i was bored and had to confront the fact that i really need to learn how to reach out to people when i want company because waiting for when i am obligated to see them doesnt work anymore, but id feel annoying. 

now weekends still suck. i think i sleep in harder here when everyones off work, my version of getting the early part of the day to myself since i cant actually get it. but it doesnt really work, i still feel shitty and overwhelmed when i wake up. 

im realizing this post isnt super ed based. my point is its the weekend and it sucks. 

my brother and i did arm exercises outside today. i really really tried to take it as the invitation to spend time together that it was and not the disordered shit it also was. then i hated myself because ive been doing arm workouts secretly already but it was him just starting out and i liked that i was less tired than him. stupid. stupid. 

i also just weighed myself even though i ate like a couple hours ago, which i always mentally scold them for doing (right in front of me by the way, because of where the scale happens to be in the house - which does not make me feel great when i usually ate the same time they did and now i have to think about my weight). 

also earlier i asked my mom to grab me some splenda packets while she was out for me. she started passively telling me i should use real sugar instead and not the stuff they test on rats. and heres the thing, shes like totally right and i know that, but i was so mad in that moment. she was talking to me the way she talked to my older siblings when shes trying to nudge them to check to calories on something or whatever, that tone ive always hated, but shes never used it on me before. maybe cuz im ‘the skinny one’ or dont talk to her about weight and dieting as much but either way, she never uses it on me. it also bugged me because splenda is one of those ‘safe’ habits from my eating disorder that i cant fully shake no matter how far i get in a recovery phase - theres a few of those. ill always use splenda, ill always use small utensils, ill always drink the diet versions of drinks, ill always take the stairs next to the escalators. just small ingrained things that i know logically are unhealthy but, you gotta pick your battles yknow. as long as im eating three meals a day and not going too crazy over that, i dont really give a fuck if i still use the splenda packets instead of real sugar yknow? but i dont know. it bugged me. 

about a year ago i went off my meds without telling anyone. i know it was a big thing, but i kinda cant remember it right now. its weird how memory does that. i remember talking and thinking about it a lot and crying a lot, it was a whole event, when i got found out. but i dont know i cant really remember it right now, and it was only a year ago. im only kinda thinking about it cuz i have been off them for like what a day or two? only out of laziness and forgetfulness, but of course now that im here im at that stage where i feel the urge to never take them again and i dont have the sound mind to really even like,, think through the decision. which i think is what happened last time. i went off them by accident, realized it, thought ‘well wait, should i just keep going or take them again?’ and then didnt have the mental clarity to answer myself so i just kept not taking them until shit got bad. 

okay, i do remember being asked why i went off them, i remember that. and i remember not really having an answer. i kinda went along with an only kinda true reason of ‘they made me feel weird’ or ‘they made me feel spaced out’ when it was probably more accurate to say ‘i just wanted to do something to feel in control again.’ 

maybe thats why i want to now. part of me is like, relapsing into an ed isnt even like special in this house, its not enough for me to do that. 

another thing is that even though i know correlation doesnt equal causation or whatever, i am painfully aware of the fact that i havent really lost a lot of weight in that ed way since ive been on meds andddd i wanna relapse lol. 

im running out of mental steam writing this, my brain is a bit foggy. so i should stop i think. 

tomorrow theres a barbecue or something at my aunts house, i think ill ask my mom if i can stay home. ive never done that before but. shell say yes. and i desperately need to feel like i live alone for a moment. i need to mentally prepare for my summer class starting this week and i havent had the chance to yet. i also dont wanna have to eat food i didnt prepare around people who trigger me and who im constantly masking around. not an ideal scenario you feel me

ok.. talk later ig lol

[wota-tenebrarum]

I’m like, 100% sure he won’t see it here (and also doesn’t speak English) so I’m just gonna go off on one of the other regular fans of my main idol group. I don’t really know him that well, but he’s always given me a weird fuckin’ vibe. He’s friendly enough, just quiet, and the one time we spoke it was him approaching me about trading senkou tokuten since he got one of my favourite member. Like, he sought me out because he knows I like her. So that was cool. But the way he interacted with/talks about his own favourite has always weirded me the hell out, man. It reads as 1000% gachikoi (real romantic feelings), which are inadvisable at best when it comes to idols. I’m immune to catching feelings thanks to being an alloaro, but when you can actually meet these people regularly sometimes fans end up falling for them. And this dude was seeing this girl REGULARLY. He’d get like, 10 chekis every concert so he’d have a ton of talk time with her, and he even at one point bought ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS worth of CDs to get the “private concert” (an actual, genuine concert, nothing dirty) bonus that they were offering. Like, yeah, it’s his money, but bruh, she’s not gonna date you. She may think you’re a nice person, even, but this is IDOL, not visual kei (lol), you’re not gonna be the guy to slip through the social barriers and marry your oshi. And honestly, you only have one outfit. I have seen you dozens of times and you’ve been wearing the same outfit literally every time. Not attractive, even if it’s a decent outfit! And this agency is confirmed by former talent to not be involved in any shady shit, so like, there is literally no path to what you want here, my guy. Anyway, when this member left the group back in March, this dude was crushed. Obviously. He even stopped using Twitter altogether.  But now he’s back! He’s been going to lives again. I saw him at the tour final and he apparently went to the thing in Shimokitazawa today (that I missed ;A;). And I checked his Twitter, and he’s posting again, but it’s WEIRD SHIT, MAN. He said he’s still attached to the remaining members a bit (valid) and has wanted to enjoy the songs again (also valid), but he’s also off on some shit about how he hates the agency, and I’m fairly certain it’s because he feels they didn’t push his favourite hard enough or something and that’s why she left. And honestly? If she left because of lack of exposure, that was her doing. She was quite shy and didn’t have much force of personality. And that’s fine and okay and even a selling point for a lot of idols, but if she wasn’t happy with where she was because of it, leaving was probably best for her anyway. I adored her. She was great. I’m not mad at this very small indie talent agency for not making her blow up. And then like, yeah, he’s saying stuff like “I’ll never have another oshi again, and I’ll just think back on my memories with her, happy that she was my last”. Buddy, she left in March. Like bruuuuuuuuuuuuh your behavior is so WEIRD Has she contacted you? No, because you’re talking about her like she’s dead or something. She knows your Twitter. These are indie idols, man, and she had the fewest regular fans. She knows how to contact you. She hasn’t done it. Maybe you’re too invested. Maybe this is terribly unhealthy and you need help. This shit’s fuckin bonkers, my guy. Go see a doctor. If you’re still this rabid like, half a year after she left, something’s up. This was an idol you saw for a few hours and spoke with for a few minutes a few times a month, not your wife of 23 years who fell ill with the consumption. Cut this shit out. Jesus. I don’t want someone like this around women, and if I’m gonna be seeing him at lives anyway I would love it if he, you know, wasn’t so fucking weird. The other core fans who are totally normal hang out with him and stuff, so like, is he just being dramatic or something? Is this a bit? Maybe they’re trying to help him. That’d be cool. Though one seems a bit too eager to back him up on this shit, too. Idk man, this guy’s giving me bad vibes. I hope he knocks it off soon.

#I adore my oshi and would commit low-level crimes for her #But I also know where I stand #what to expect #and what is and is not appropriate #And this shit is not appropriate

[c-kiddo]

oouh :oo i shall try explain .. . ok. so the theory basically was that, via some sort of folktale-y nature god magic, caduceus is connected to the health of the savalirwood. it started, i think, when the level 10 art got released and cad looked notably more unhealthy than the previous art (i think this was just bc the artist drew him more accurately in the level 10 art.. he’s not rly thin in th first art and doesnt look that tall sjskj its a nice artwork tho!) and also, his hair was turning white. . and people were like wtf what happened.. (turns out his hair was losing colour because of the lichen growing on him, that dyes his hair, wasn’t getting enough sun while in the tunnels and in rosohna.. but we didnt know that then.)  from what i remember, the evidence at the time was: - cad is described as unhealthily thin, and stays that way even after leaving the grove, so its not just from being alone without food (i watched a talks machina ep not long ago where tal explained it as him being "a vegan on a roadtrip" n therefore having not much to eat apart from like... lettuce lol)  - cad basically having an ecosystem growing on him.. the lichen is also only from the grove. so people took that as him being made by the forest/god in a strange way, or maybe being a changeling, like his parents found him from the forest. that or he was poisoned by it as a young child.. and so the lichen getting suddenly unhealthy was weird - cad is paler (and maybe smaller?) than the rest of his family (tal said so in a talks ep, idk which one though.. see this is why people who make timestamped lists are big brained) who all seem to have naturally pink hair, except his father who married into the family, who's hair is grey. cads natural hair is white. his aunt’s hair is also white/greying but its because she’s vry old. i think matt said hers and cads hair looked about the same, in the episode (96) the clays were introduced i think..  - there was also a point about the blight reaching the grove at the same time cad was born.. between 80-100 yrs ago, but i cant find where this info was from tbh.. the corruption started centuries before so .. ??. . this was all way before we knew anything about the savalir being connected to the arboretum and aeor (which, i love that plotpoint so much. its.. a little annihilation-esque, sorta makes me think of the toxic forests from nausicaa . .. love it sm.)

anyway it got disproven and said in episodes and on talks machina that cads hair changed because the lichen didnt have sunlight and it was whats dyeing cad’s hair, like how flamingos are pink from eating the foods they eat :-3  it was still so good tho and perhaps ill think of au things. .. 

also, there were other points and i think the google doc i cant find had timestamps n junk like that but , idk where it is so :-3 shrugs. . anyone feel free to add parts of the theory you remember

#replies #kiddo say #woe. knowledge of a years old theory be upon ye

[shumaiseyeliner]

Do you remember the “hi!! me again 😋 can i please request sakura, nekomaru, and gonta hcs, where their darling is severely touch-starved and desperately want to be held gently, but pushes people away who try and gets very defensive abt it bc they feel like anyone who does has malicious intentions, and don't deserve it if its genuine care? sorry if this is weird, been having the three musculars on the brain and been super sad ❤️❤️ LOVE your hcs, i always come back to read, and re-read ❤️❤️❤️” request? Well... can we get the same request, but with Makoto, Nagito, Shuichi, and Kokichi? (Anon isn't on, by the way.) ^w^*

a/n: I’ve been having shuichi brainrot again 🗣 also if you guys want a request to be posted anonymously just tell me, I don’t want you guys to be uncomfortable

warnings: yandere, unhealthy relationships, unhealthy mindsets, unhealthy behavior

naegi makoto

☘︎︎ a very affectionate yandere, so this is definitely going to be a problem for him. He doesn’t like annoying his darling, obviously, but boy needs to cuddle his darling and he wants them to know how much he loves them. Makoto believes that his darling deserves love abandon affection and he wants to be the person to give it to them, specifically. It’s kind of hard to be mad or overly mean to him, though, so I feel like he’d end up being really affectionate towards his darling anyway, which makes him very happy. Makoto gets extremely saddened when his darling pushes him away due to thinking he has ill intentions, but he doesn’t let their own insecurities stop him from showing them affection.

komaeda nagito

☘︎︎ he’s not very physically affectionate with his darling in the first place, but this is solely because he feels like he doesn’t deserve to touch them in any type of way, not even hand holding. He’d notice that his darling is touch-starved, though, and Nagito is a giver, so that’s the only way he’d ever even think of touching them. However, he’s rather starved for affection as well, so once he starts getting affectionate with his darling, Nagito finds it hard to stop, even when they start to push him away. Nagito is rather open about his feelings towards his darling and they should know that his intentions aren’t malicious in any kind of way, he just wants to make his darling happy, that’s all. Nagito’s too much, honestly.

saihara shuichi

☘︎︎ while I don’t see Shuichi as an overly affectionate person due to his initial shyness, he’s observant ant catches onto the fact that his darling is touch-starved, and he obviously wants to help them with that. Shuichi is someone I can see as being a bit touch-starved as well, but he doesn’t really think about it. He does little things, like hooking his pinky with his darlings, small things like that, things they may not even notice because it’s so subtle. Shuichi loves doing small affectionate things to his darling, but their initial reaction worries him a bit. He’d understand if they just weren’t comfortable with being touched, but he’d never do anything disrespectful or bad towards them, so pushing Shuichi away just confuses him.

oma kokichi

☘︎︎ yeah, that isn’t going to work with Kokichi. As I’ve mentioned before, he’s extremely clingy, and not in the cute Saihara way, either. He’s annoying about it, and it doesn’t help that he’s aware of just how annoying he tends to be. Kokichi does it to try to cheer his darling up about things, though, and while he isn’t exactly starving for affection, he likes forcing his darling to cuddle, and it’s it as bad as it sounds, I promise. He’s not exactly surprised when they try to push him away, either, because Kokichi knows just about everything about his darling, including how they’re suspicious of other people having ill intentions. It’s a fair assumption with Kokichi, honestly, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to leave them alone.

#yandere naegi makoto #yandere komaeda nagito #yandere saihara shuichi #yandere oma kokichi #yandere danganronpa #yandere sdr2 #yandere drv3 #yandere headcanons #yandere imagines #yandere #shumaiwrites