#and like I'm kinda scared/anxious

[supernovaa-remnant]

.

#been thinking a lot about my birthday coming up #like it's less than a week away now #and like I'm kinda scared/anxious #but it feels silly to be almost? #because like yes technically 18 is an adult #but 18 is also still so young #and I'm already doing stuff normal 18 year olds would do #<- live away from home most of the year go to uni etc #but it still seems like a scary number despite knowing not much will change? #idk :/ #I mean on one hand I am excited #like I get to spend my bday with friends and family #so that's a plus #and there are perks to being 18 #but also idk.. it's just a lot™ #personal #negative #I think all milestones can be a bit bittersweet maybe

[coldercreation]

Sad!Kitty

I wrote over 2K for Sad!Kitty today. A miracle<3

#I want to keep writing more because I'm kinda scared to stop #like what if it will take me another 10 years to get anything done again if I stop now? #But I haven't done anything else today and the day has just kinda slipped away #and yours truly is feeling a little anxious and not grounded bc of it :') #I tend to zone out when I write / get really into writing #which is great #except then I lose the sense of time hahaha #I have work the rest of the week so I really want to enjoy the free time I have today #but if I'm in my writing mind palace or whatever #I'm not really taking the time to just chill #although writing is my way to chill #ughhh I don't know what I meannnn #but maybe 2k is enough for a day lamsdksnfkslf #okk :) #Do yous want a spoiler from it? I'm sure there's some line I could sneak for you #we don't have to tell anyone it can be our secret #xx

[fanvoidkeith]

me, helping out my mom at a bazaar, like i've done for years, attempting stuff while she walks around to take a break and maybe get some xmas gifts: *vibing enough that some people want to buy some things*

my mom, about half an hour later: *comes back to be the more charming of the two of us, because she has more experience being a salesperson and is not autistic*

the nice lady at the table next to us, talking to my mom: your boy did a good job while you were gone!

my brain, upon hearing that sentence come out of another person's mouth while i'm feeling somewhat dysphoric in my body today:

B O Y ! ! !

(good job!)

#void keith talks #this isn't me discovering a new thing about myself but it is Different this time i think. it echoed in my brain #most people don't assume i'm masc because i have a high voice. especially because the fuckin “customer service voice" thing (higher pitch) #but more people than one have called me by masculine uhhh... adjectives? (it's probably adjectives.) it's nice. mostly strangers though. :/ #and i already know i have a Thing about praise because it's my love language or whatever #and i've also been obsessing over whether or not i should ask my doctor about going on testosterone because i've been avoiding my doctor #because i'm an anxious mess and my life is about to be turned upside down again soon #but i. i wwant to #go on T. more than i thought i would? #i'm so anxious about change and i know the changes technically happen slowly #but even so i keep hesitating because of personal circumstances #uhhhh... yeah. that's. that's a thing i guess #one of my fellow nonbinary transmasc friends is going on T. and i'm happy for them obviously #but i also feel a little envious of him for being able to figure it all out that easily. even though it probably Wasn't Actually That Easy #and it just looks like that from my outsider perspective #and i'm just tired and confused because i only discovered/uncovered the more masc part of my identity relatively recently and i've- #struggled with it for long enough that i don't have to fight with myself about it anymore. still kinda scared though #nonbinary #enby #trans #transgender #voidgender #gender dysphoria #gender stuff #gender thoughts #gender euphoria #trans stuff #nonbinary stuff #rambling in the tags #rambling into the void

[sonego]

gonna get personal in the tags sorryyyyy

shit i ran out of tags to use GKBKGKDKKDBJDMBMN ok rest under a read more 😭

so okay basically my doctor said sure i'll write you the prescription and also wait should i add it to your regularly taken meds page (so i can request it with a click when i run out)? and i was like yeah that'd be nice and i tried to explain that i thought i would only need for a short period of time but i still need it after many months so... but like he didn't care about the why lol

and anyway now that this has happened i'm like. gonna try to Stop doing what i was doing. there is no good reason to be in pain all the time and make my life harder when taking that dose of my med was working okay and making things considerably better. i don't need to punish myself. this is like so so so hard for me to internalize. being disabled is not a fault. even if it might be my "fault", even if i lowkey feel like i might have contributed to the condition i am in with like, bad choices or whatever, it's still not right to punish myself for it. i'm already unwell, i'm already suffering, what's making it worse gonna do to help? why do i need to feel worse just so i can think i got what i deserve for being in pain in the first place?

so yeah. going back to the higher dose. i hope that makes me feel less pain. i hope i can work without hating every second of it again. i do still hope one day i can get better and not need this med anymore, it's not like i've given up on that bc tbh a lot's still unclear and i will try and see if i can find answers. but in the meantime, no more punishing myself. i need to be okay. i want to be okay.

#called my doctor the other day #bc i needed the prescription for the muscle relaxant i take for my back pain #and i've been needing it for like a while but i kept putting off calling him to get it #there's a few reasons for that one of which is that i hate phone calls in general but especially w doctors #just makes me v v anxious #which is related to another reason which is that i was so scared he'd tell me no bc this was was supposed to be a temporary “fix” #like a little help while i actually got better #which clearly hasn't happened so i still need it but like. i am so used to doctors trying to like decide what i need #not based on my symptoms and needs and what i tell them but just what they think i SHOULD need #bc i SHOULDN'T feel pain i SHOULDN'T need to take that i should just idk excercise and lose weight and try not to be s*icidal and try to #control my moods and oh i shouldn't have headaches almost daily cause they found no medical reason for it #also have i tried sleeping more? have i tried not having insomnia? have i tried smaller doses of x med? #etc etc it's never what i AM experiencing it's what i SHOULD be experiencing. and let me tell you that sucks so bad #my previous gp ruined me so bad and i'm only now realizing it #like every time i need to tell or ask my current gp something i get so anxious bc i'm convinced he'll put up a fight and say no without #listening or he'll write me the wrong prescription or he won't even answer my calls ........... #instead this gp is the opposite #maybe even like. too easily says yes lmao 😭 like i try to talk things thru w him a bit to explain why i need x and he'll just be like #yeah sure here it is and sometimes i feel he's not even listening 🧍🏻 #but anyway like. i was kinda punishing myself i think? #i keep trying to lower my dose of muscle relaxant bc i think i shouldn't need it #and i don't want to need it i actually HATE that i need it. it makes me so mad w myself #so i keep trying even if every time i take less i am in so much pain #and these past couple of weeks? or something i did that even more bc i tried to lower it EVEN MORE #even if the 5th attempt to lower it a bit was unsuccessful and i was doing so badly #bc i was running out and i was killing two birds with one stone by trying to lower it so i would be a Better Stronger Nico #and was delaying having to call my doctor #end result: i wanna cry every time i stop (workiny #working* or studying or giffing or doing Whatever) #bc i'm forced to think of the fact i am in pain

[steakout-05]

eeuuaghh i would like everyone to know that i apologise if i have not responded to your reblogs/mentions/posts on tumblr, i have really terrible social anxiety and for some reason people talking to me makes my nervous system think i'm being hunted for sport by a resident evil boss. sorry if i havent responded i'm not being rude i'm just having a panic attack :P

additionally: social anxiety is actually the reason why a lot of my old posts from late 2022 had weird spacing and spelling mistakes. i was too anxious to type properly

#sorry this seems like a random thing to post but it has been bugging me for a little bit now and i want to post it #and by a little bit i mean the entire time i've been on this website #as for the reason i have social anxiety: i went to a really terrible high school full of dangerous people- #-who were literally like. the worst most bigoted people ever. not everyone there was bad of course but 90% of them were- #-and that stunted by social development by 5-6 years and now every time someone talks to me i feel like i'm about to get murdered #also primary school was. bad. the other kids could sniff out the autism in me and didn't like me for it #this post isn't directed towards anyone specifically but also it kinda is because there's a DM from someone- #-that i haven't responded to in literally 8 months and every time i think about it i get anxious #i'm sorry!!! i'm not trying to ignore you on purpose and i want to say something but my brain literally will not let me out of fear :( #i'm not used to getting talked to directly so every time i do my entire nervous system starts screaming and running in circles #it's kinda ridiculous because it's like. come on. why are you having a panic attack over a message on tumblr it's LITERALLY just words on- #-a screen what are you freaking out about. but also it's like hhhhh unfamiliar social situation scary. help. #unrelated to that but i am very worried about what people will think of me and like i know i really shouldn't worry about that- #-because i can't control what other people think of me and it really shouldn't be any of my or their business. but also- #-i have legitimate trauma that backs my fears up and every time someone is even slightly critical towards me my brain just goes- #-''see? it happened again i TOLD you it would happen again. idiot. you shouldn't have said anything'' #and then i hide and cry and lay in bed thinking about how i'm going to die until i suddenly snap out of it and think- #-''wait hang on why should i care. i love being a weirdo on the internet why should i let my anxieties stop me'' #and then it happens AGAIN and it's just a viscous cycle at that point #be silly on the internet -> detect slight criticism -> think everyone hates you again -> go back on your bullshit after 3 days of crying #and it makes sense because that exact same pattern happened to me countless times as a child. #be silly in school -> get made fun of for it -> get hated for it -> rinse and repeat until you think everyone is dangerous and they hate yo #if i could put it in a metaphor it would be like me being a little rabbit who thinks everyone is a scary wolf because of their big shadows- #-even though they're all also rabbits and i'm just paying attention to the scariest parts of them because i only know what wolves look like #trauma does fucked up things to your psyche lemmie tell you #social anxiety #anxiety disorder #i'm literally the ''too scared to order food'' stereotype except it's not a stereotype because it's real and every time i look at the 7/11- #-at my campus i go ''hm but what if they hate me for the food i buy there'' even though they're LITERALLY SELLING IT what is WRONG with me #anyway um. social anxiety sucks and i don't mean to not reply ro everyone who talks to me i am sorr y

[maliciousalice]

#it's kinda epic that my parents openly scorn and don't believe in me and treat me like im worthless when actually #ive done nothing all my life except be a decent human being #grow and try not to upset them #''she's scared of course she won't'' #''she doesn't leave the house'' #''what do you even do?'' #i've wanted to unalive every day since i can remember have never wanted to exist here and it's a struggle to find anything good so no wonde #I fucking latched onto a dumb space show with a semblance of a working family dynamic where challenges are over come in a mature fashion #I love my parents but i wish they understood how much i hurt and how anxious i am #I'm ACTUALLY fucking stupid i cant retain anything i am a mediocre artist and i fucking am sick and tired of pretending my life is okay #/neg #personal

[lesbianphan]

youtube just recommended me some kind of essay on the phandom from a channel that seems quite big and I was so terrified of it I hid it from my recommended like fuck off, I don't want this lol

#fuckass people analyzing us like they understand anything #go away #phandom #dnp #has anyone watched that I was kinda scared they're trying to cancel them or something but it seems to be about phans #which also sucks #but it's like big yikes I'm anxious now thanks #it's like thanks youtube I'm not watching that lol #it was also like 40 mins long or something like wtf #hopefully this doesn't sick the commentary people on dan and phil #leave us alone we're not as big of a community as we used to be #we're cringe but we're free

[born-to-lose]

According to 6 different serious health/psychology pages I have BPD, do you think that means I should see a therapist?

#i've been thinking about the possibility for a while but never looked up symptoms because i was scared #and now it's starting to get out of hand so i finally did even though i originally didn't want to be officially diagnosed #for various reasons like the stigma in society and my health insurance knowing so all my future doctors will go back to their #'it's only psychological stop being so dramatic you're not actually sick' shit and invalidating me and my health problems in the past #some of them straight up refused to write a sick note for school when i actually had the flu back in 8th grade #so that's one reason why i don't want any mental illnesses to appear in my medical record #plus the cost factor because i'm not sure if the insurance would even cover everything but i might end up paying for it myself #if it means the health insurance won't be informed even if it's probably a lot of money #but in order to get therapy i need to get diagnosed by a professional so once i read into it a bit more i'll figure out how to tell my mom #and see if i'll call this one therapist in my town who apparently treats psychosomatic disorders #i'm sincerely sorry to everybody i've talked to recently (aside from casual fandom chatting) who may have noticed me behaving kinda shitty #advice is greatly appreciated because this hit me like a train and i don't fucking want this. like at all #i thought my switching between depressed and anxious and angry and empty and hyper was just. idk something else but not That #mel talks

[isan0rt]

Me, loading Dreamlight Valley: phew, the Halloween event is over, I shall no longer be menaced by the Nightmare Before Christmas aesthetic items in the star path, that aesthetic has irrationally terrified me for 30 years.

Dreamlight Valley: surprise! In addition to the holiday star path, we're out of early access and there's a big update and new villager and world!!

Me: :D

Dreamlight Valley: it's Jack Skellington and Halloweentown!!

Me: 🙃

#I'M AM ADULT!!! I DON'T NEED TO STILL BE SCARED OF THIS MOVIE!!!! #Kingdom Hearts defanged it a lot but the Halloweentown star path made me realize that was... because Kingdom Hearts was kinda crunchy #It turns out that aesthetic doesn't bother me when it's in crunchy PS2/NintendoDS graphics #buuuut it turns out to still give me nightmares when it's in crisp ps5 HD!!! #the spooky-cute backpack made me feel so anxious looking at it it made me want to throw up lmao #why am i like this!!!! why am i like this!!!!!!! #never got over that 1993 commercial where the kid pulls the shrunken head out of a box #six-year-old me got traumatized for life from that commercial but only about this One Specific Movie #it's okay.... it's a cozy farm sim.... surely they won't make Halloweentown too scary..... #you can do this self. you can do this Disney bullshit. Do it for Player [this is not an actual Kingdom Hearts game] #[I just like to pretend it is]

[qrevo]

absolutely hate entering group chats. they always send a notification to everyone "oh look new person is here". can't i just. materialize inside. and lurk in peace.

#at least let me see the group messages before i get in. like. grrrrr. i hate jumping into the unknown #i'm way too much of a fucking lurker. group chats kinda make me anxious. i should work on stopping being like this KAHKDFHSDF #well guess i should do it scared. do it pissing my pants and pooping my panties. that's what that post says right #qrevo.txt

[mintaka-iii]

My mental health can't possibly good if an essay on the found family trope gives me such an indescribable feeling of hollowness and yearning

#Generally I know things are bad when some media is unbearable to consume #It's weird because I'm not overtly anxious and I'm less depression paralyzed than a few months ago #But I'm so terrified and hopeless about grad school applications that it's affecting my whole psyche #Even though it's not even a problem in my current life #It's just unbearable to think about or work on and it has been for like two years #Which means it's kinda hard to make any kind of meaningful change that would make me LESS terrified and hopeless #So I don't FEEL anxious or ACT anxious but I'm scared to death and compartmentalizing it #Also I've been in this town where I know none of my friends for more than a year now and also it's so small and I'm so fucking lonely #I don't FEEL lonely like it's not acute and I'm calling and texting people really frequently #But then I never realize I miss my sister until I see her again #And I didn't know how much I missed seeing all my friends irl until I did #Exactly twice in the past year #So there's clearly multiple things fucked up in my subconscious and they're affecting me but I can't directly get a handle on them #Also I want nothing more than to get an astrophysics PhD but it's SO much more competitive than physics #Cause the programs are so small #So do I apply to what I want and increase my chances of being rejected AGAIN #Or do I try and write essays about being interested in something I'm not really #No matter which program I get into I can probably do work in the other in actuality #But I feel like I can't apply to a physics program and exclusively talk about all the faculty I want to work with one department over #And most places don't let you apply to both

[cookies-over-yonder]

shout out to everyone witnessing my writing crisis on the dash. im gonna walk into the sea

#to be fr #i want to write hurt/comfort #with link and taylor #because after everything link said to grant at the end of episode 37 #i think he would be so unbelievably shaken up #and like i wrote link comforting taylor #bc his dads taught him grounding exercises #but i also feel like #like in episode 7 #grant said when link is anxious he gets scared link will turn out like him #and i feel like #links household has a little bit of happiness is the most important and everything else is kinda bad for you to experience #vibes #so i feel lile #he would be pretty shaken up #but also not show it #and i know that when i'm in that situation #that leads to dissociation #so i was thinking of writing a fic of link dissociating like. right after that #like i guess #dndads spoilers #but like #the catbus ride maybe? #is when it would really sink in or i guess not sink in because repressing emotions or whatever #everyone has their own shit going on obviously but taylor objectively has the least shit going on (doesn't know what happened w/ his mom yet #either) #so i was thinking of writing taylor noticing that link is really fucking shaken and not quite knowing what to do because he isn't really one #for comforting in that sorta way #but still trying to help #and maybe it helps a bit maybe it doesnt i don't know. I DON'T KNOW ☹

[paradoxiii]

Growing up in the Midwest, hearing a tornado siren itself isn't really scary

But it does just have a tinge of spookiness to me for some reason?

And at the end of Charming Disaster's song "Power of the Sun" there's this vocalization that kinda reminds me of a tornado siren but as a spooky "oooOOOOOooo" and it never fails to haunt me when I listen to it.

#tmi #even though i'm a super anxious person there are few things that genuinely creep me out/haunt me when it comes to media #and i guess something that sounds like the wind but reminiscent of a tornado siren is one of them #one thing that does unsettle me is when a guy with zero consideration for other living beings fixates on a woman #ESPECIALLY if he's powerful (magically or socially). if he can ruin everything you know & love & make you feel like there's no way out it- #-just feels horrific. or even if he isn't powerful but terribly intelligent and/or determined. #idk why this in particular unsettles me it just does #it's why I have it so when Brim finds out about what Dr. Addy did she kinda freak out #she had no idea about his obsession with her. she had no idea he collected her dna & made a clone. #the implications of what else he COULD have done. i'd be scared shitless. probably never go out again #or stories where a woman is nice to a guy so he obssesses over her & even kidnaps her. though that comes more from the fact that i do try- #-to be very kind & courteous & have had people mistake that for flirting. so the idea that that kindess could lead to something like that #it's very unsettling #but nonetheless. only real life genuinely terrifies me. which is probably why i'm not into true crime lol #i love reading about horrific & terrifying things in fiction but if it's a real story it just makes me depressed

[kittyhazelnut]

.

#i think i finally caught up on all the comments that weren't on my new fic chapter #which means i gotta go through the ones on the new chapter #and im like Genuinely Anxious #i reread the first few and it was so :D and then they. um. they were not so :D #i have a feeling i'm just not gonna be able to respond to a lot of them #not because i don't want to but because i'd get too anxious trying to type a response #like shaking heart pounding vision blurring anxious #idk i'm hoping they're not as bad as I remember #and then maybe i'll post the next two chapters tomorrow and maybe the comment section will be slightly less anxiety-inducing #edit now that i'm almost done: i think i just saw two or three comments that were kinda 😬 and then made unfair assumptions about the rest #because after letting them sit for a few days #this hasn't been too bad! #there's one that i haven't google translated yet so im a lil scared to do that because idk what to expect but otherwise??? #it could've been worse??? #also i don't keep too careful of an eye on my subscriptions but i think it's relatively the same as it was before i posted this chapter #so it cant be too bad right 😭

[astrxealis]

sometimes (often) i think about the characters i kin or relate to and then the realization comes in again and again that i need therapy (/lh?)

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚ #unfortunately i doubt i will ever get therapy bcs i have this. thing. idk. but i believe in myself to just rely on myself? #and yeah i uhh can go on more about that BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT OF THIS sorry i suck at explaining things. anyways #humans. interesting. i am fascinated by humans and myself and i'm tired of typing now GOODBYE anyways xiv music is so fucking good #and also idk how to interact w others sorry ..... i am scared of getting close to people bcs everyone i've grown close to has ended up #leaving me or i mess up! but tbh it's better now i think and also not as bad as i think but sorry i still have bad issues with. that #me saying i don't want to type anymore and then proceed to rapidly type out so many words oopsies #pls just do not PERCEIVE ME !! unless you want to ig but idk why you'd want to do that uhm #yk i like tumblr most out of all social medias bcs it feels like i can... sort of just be my weird self here! and it's not fully nice #and i still have anxiety problems and overthinking problems and whatnot which is evident by my 100+ notifs i havent checked since #christmas but that's not the point (?) idk whats the point honestly uhhhh nvm (??) #OH I LOVE FF SO MUCH tbh it's w/o a doubt still my favorite series ever but drake/nier is also up there for sure #which i think is amazing bcs i have yet to finish a game. and ive only like played idk 5 hours of replicant and automata #and then ive already spoiled myself on important aspects of all games but that helps ngl uh. i could explain but im tired of typing #ANYWAYS GOD actually noehgjbsejhbghjes i really suck w interacting w others i really wish i were better at all that #im not super introverted or shy im just kinda awkward and anxious but im a fun person and all and idk #and tbh its interesting thinking abt my personality... some parts of me havnt changed at all from a bit (/pos) like my lively. aspect of my #personality !! i was a bundle of energy and a little annoying (perhaps unintentionally but now i think its a bit more on purpose lol) #but the only person who really sees my true self is me. and the closest to that is lune. but even i dont know who i really am #and yeah... wnvr im like woa ill make more friends !! and then when i have the opportunities i suddenly dont care anymore IT SUCKS #anyways i think i have Opportunities now again so lets see haha ?? at least uhh in school. its like 2nd sem and i dont rlly have friends #as usual haha that sounds so sad help BUT its not like im disliked im just rlly quiet and shy at school..... throwback to 7th grade tho #that was rlly the worst but also now is just as bad in a diff sense but back then i cldnt talk w my crush at ALL i didnt speak at all im so #sorry about that HELPPP I RLLY JUST CLDNT SPEAK anyways moving on in my class rn i do have a group of sorts. like #we're grpmates wnvr theres grpworks and we can pick which is nice! ive been classmates w em all b4 and theyre the cool kids #but in the more fandom sense and one used to be a close friend of my twin and of mine too by extent and then the other was someone #who knew me when i was more extroverted so yeah uhhh anyways #OKAY ALMOST MAX TAGS im DONE rambling. bye. hopefully. bye. oh god

[sweatandwoe]

For the fandom asks, I'd love to hear your answers to 21, 28, and 40 <3

21. What was the first fanfic you ever wrote?

Oh god.

Like I wrote Mando to start off this blog, which was bad Mando fics and I might edit and re-post them someday, but the actual first fanfic was probably when I was a tween, I don't the age, I don't if it's still up, I don't know the title.

What I do know it was Shadow the Hedgehog x Amy the hedgehog fic, and it probably was not very good. And I know did a Scourge the Hedgehog fic too, cause I was a Sonic fanatic as a child (I bought the comics with my Christmas money)

but it was a shadow the hedgehog x Amy the hedgehog fic. I don't know what the plot was, I think they might've gone out for a date, it might still exist on ff.net (I should check to see if my older, very tween cringe username is on there), but I'm not linking it if I do even find it. That shit stays buried.

28. If someone were to draw a piece of fanart for your story, which story would it be and what would the picture be of?

Secret Ingredient hands down.

I've gotten a lot, a lot of fanart for SI. And like, each one has been my phone background at some point. They make me so happy and warm my heart.

I'd say Timeless would be nice too, but honestly, I don't think we're far enough into it, to get some Timeless fanart. (Chapter 5 I can see some visually interesting scenes happening that may catch someone's eye but right now, the fun hasn't started yet)

Also if anyone drew porn of my smut fics, you'd win my heart in a second.

40. What do you struggle with the most within your writing?

writing well lmao

I struggle a lot with like describing situations? I think last time I did asks like these I was like 'man I suck at dialogue' and now I've realized I'm really having fun with dialogue since I've relaxed about it, and descriptions are more like hmmmmm

like cowboy fic I was going over to try and make sure the descriptions were okay cause I realized halfway through there was a movement that shouldn't have happened and why his hat tumbles off halfway through (spoilers whoops)

but I think I struggle the most with editing. It's very hard for me to stay focused. I usually have to get high if I want to edit well, and I've been greening out more when I do, resulting in me being more depressed and not editing.

so it's me just trying to stay focused and edit and trying my bestest, but I wanna learn how to edit good so it's good practice?

#in context I only take weed usually once or twice a week #and it's one 5mg edible #I went without for like three weeks and took one yesterday #greened out baby #god I hate it #it used to be so relaxing and now it's like 'anxiety #just feel so anxious even when I know I didn't do anything wrong #makes me feel like I can't talk to friends because I'm scared of bothering #and I know it's not bothering but it's kinda hard to get it through the head ya know? #just thinking I may need to make a doctor's appointment and it sucks #sweaty asks #ask game #I got way too personal in this tags may delete later