#and im realising again why i dont

[hearties-circus]

Having s bit of a strange moment

#gamer txt. #ive been thinking a little too much recently when i know its not particularly helpful or enjoyable in any way #im not even sure what set me on this route of thinking about it so much #ive just been really really scared of death recently #its honestly kinda funny because ive been thinking about how much of a joy and a wonder life is so much and somehow didnt think about- #-how thats partially because its brief. its so beautiful and important because its fleeting. one day a life will end and nothing can ever- #-replace it. not perfectly anyway. it'll always be different and unique and youre so lucky to exist at the same time because one of you #-will be gone someday #but oddly enough i never actually think too in depth about death #and im realising again why i dont #because i am so scared #i almost wish i could force myself to be religious so i could have some kind of hope about it. not have to fear it maybe even welcome it #but argh. 's not easy #its especially strange though because ive comforted other ppl who were scared of the potential void of death #by talking about how well its just not existing anymore it wont be a void because we wont be conscious #no reason to be scared of a nothingness you wont be aware of #its just like how you dont remember before being born because you didnt exist. same thing #but now i cant get the idea of an endless eternal void out of my head and i dont like it #i cant believe or take solace in my own words now and i dont know why #its not helping me feel any less scared

[bookworm-2692]

Life Tracker updated for Episode 7! This one is much quicker than Episode 6 on account of not being on holiday at the time, even though there were two thirds more deaths this time. Previous posts: Session 6, Session 5, Session 4. Also Session 8 (finale) post!

As usual, close ups and commentary below the cut. I’ve also added another graph for the average time of each team, which will also be below the cut.

There was so much carnage! 45 whole deaths in a single session! Not all deaths were awarded time during the session, but Scott’s video advised that it would be added by next session, so I have taken the liberty to add all the time as I see fit, hence why Scott is back to 7.5 hours. I haven’t seen every episode yet (in fact, other than Scott, I’ve only seen those that have perma-died), so I’m not sure if anyone else’s time is a mismatch, but if so I’m happy to explain where I’m getting my time additions and subtractions from!

Now for some close ups.

First, there was enough chaos that I decided to take a close up of Session 6 and 7 together so we can properly appreciate it:

And a close up of Session 7 by itself:

So many people lost major time, so it’s interesting to see Scott’s uptick of time at the end - he ended on only 30 minutes less than he would have been if he hadn’t died at all this session. Pearl didn’t die at all, and got the kill credit for Martyn blowing himself up in a trap, so she actually ended the session 30 minutes better than she started it. Grian also did very well for himself - he killed and died so many times, but somehow ended on the exact time he would have been on if he had experienced a peaceful deathless session.

BigB, Cleo, and Martyn all ended the session 1 hour poorer than they started, and Bdubs and Scar ended 1.5 hours below where they would have been. Nosy Neighbours are thus doing super well, with Mean Gills and Clockers not too far behind, in terms of maintaining position from the start of the session.

TIES had an awful time this session, with Impulse and Tango both losing a net 2 hours, and Etho and Skizz losing a net 2.5 hours - and obviously Skizz entirely died.

Joel possibly had the worst time, losing a net 3.5 hours this session - though it didn’t help that 5 of his 7 deaths were all caused by the one person. Technically Jimmy didn’t do too badly, given he only lost a net 1.5 hours... but given that he was out of the series only an hour into the session, and also the first out entirely... it really didn’t go well for him either

I also find it interesting the sheer number of vertical lines this graph, the ones representing a death immediately followed by a kill or vice versa. I would love to figure out a way to show only one line at a time on the graph, so we can more easily see someone’s journey, but I haven’t had time to look into it yet.

Now onto the graph of the average times per team.

This one is super interesting to me, especially TIES’s line - they had the lowest average life right from the start, but somehow by Session 4, through Session 5, and for most of Session 6, they were the team with the highest average time, and then it quite literally went downhill from there. The only thing saving them from being last now is the fact that the Bad Boys are down to only a single living player, and even then Grian is doing far better than most of TIES.

It’s also interesting to me how Mean Gills had a significant time uptick at the end of both Session 6 and Session 7 (the first due to Martyn and the second due to Scott). Scott’s time was so high that it kept Mean Gills’ average time as yellow for all of Session 6 despite Martyn being red for most of it... and Martyn then got enough kills to keep it there. Mean Gills is also the only team in the entire graph to anywhere gain such consistent significant time.

These averages also coincide with the comments I made above about the time offset difference for each player from the start to end of the session. Mean Gills are doing well, but they’ve been doing well for so long that I’m sure most players are aware that they need to be a target. Nosy Neighbours are also doing well but I feel like they’ve flown under the radar, and are not a significant target right now.

Here is a close up of this graph with Sessions 1-4:

And the close up for Session 5-7:

And the Session 7 only close up:

I kept the dead players in the teams’ averages, since I think it is a better reflection of the teams’ strength as a whole, but I also created a version that excluded dead players. In those screenshots you can really see Bad Boys’ and TIES’ time jumping up at a death, instead of falling as it did here.

Here are the alternate averages graph:

And close ups:

This makes Bad Boys look a lot better, because Grian does have a lot of time... but he is also alone. And there is definitely strength in numbers. Two players at an hour and a half each can fend off an attacker more easily than a single player at three hours can... unless nerves and panic get to them, as we definitely saw this session.

Wow and I almost forgot to include the raw data for this session!

The first hour of the session:

The second hour of the session:

There is just so much death! Look at all the box outlines!! I could barely fit this data on two screens on the zoom I was on, and I did not want to zoom out further.

I also obviously have data for the averages, but it was too far away from the column with the times on it that I wasn’t sure if it would still be useful on its own? Let me know if you want to see it!

This has once again been fascinating to see, and I cannot wait to see how Session 8 will go. Will it be the last session? Will they go until everyone is dead? Will they somehow have enough people with enough time to get to Session 9? Will Mean Gills be the final two and get to play fun relaxing games like Scott was suggesting? 

Only time will tell.

#limited life smp #24lsmp #limlife #once again i hate trying to work out what tags for a post #i got to this point in the tags before i realised i forgot to add the number data #i still love that impulse accidentally killed scott and became yellow again #and that scott also became yellow again #so there was less than 14 minutes between there still being two yellows on the server... and jimmy permadying #thirteen minutes and 41 seconds exactly by my calculations #which is crazy given we had whole sessions of yellows only #which meant it was hours between last green and first red #so less than a quarter of an hour between last yellows (and two of them!) and first permadeath is crazy #i always ramble in the tags bc i dont know how to wrap the post up #why do i always post these as im going to bed #its after midnight and im yawning now #anyway enjoy! #very glad i got to post this before the weekend ended this time #well it was still sunday when i started writing the post #its 12:15am on monday now. technically #my spreadsheets

[skimmeh]

If there's one thing I'm saying I'm proud of this year, it is my improvement in drawing people and human faces.

I'm still improving and far from comfortable with my ability, but so seeing how much I've improved is encouraging!!

And I have mostly to thank fanart of gtwscar HAH

But ye- I'm proud of my improvement and I am excited to improve more and also include more diversity and skills into my work :)

#YAY!!! #see i recently realised that why ive alewsys been hesitant with drawing humans #is alot of the practice is using real life reference #which is fine but faces freak me out #snd looking at human faces for a long time is part of the journey of improving face anatomy #and that freaks me out a lil #but I'm getting over that weurd fear :D #i enjoy drawing again and just enjoying what im drawing as well as building skills #but yeah ... dont mind me being all reflective and shit #its the end of the year and whatnot

[nailgunstigmata]

every few months or so i have a recurring nightmare where i horrifically neglect some animals i have and theyre like barely holding on and im like what have i done how did i let it get so far im a monster and its always like hamsters or mice or something and once it was a human baby and once a spider. anyways today it was rats and one of them bit me which i think was deserved and a sign of revolution. next dream theyre going to unionise and start eating me alive or something. and good for them honestly dream me had it coming

#just for the record these animals are not real and i dont neglect my pets i swear my dog is very spoiled #i talked about this with my therapist and the conclusion was that i probably worry too much about doing things right so it doubles over into #irrational worry im neglecting them but unfortunately that realisation does not make the nightmares stop #so now its like upsetting in the moment but once i wake up im normal again #and almost kinda funny like. why am i dreaming about rats i dont have. ive never had a rat #they need too much space and their short live spans make me sad #cw animal neglect #its only imaginary but. anyways

[ark1os]

.

#i felt so good after talking to my therapist about the issue w my dad #and i didnt even come to any new conclusions or anything i just told her whats been on my mind what im struggling with and why im so afraid #to confront him and she validated me #which honestly was so new to me? like everytime italked about it it felt like people didnt see the seriousness and why im struggling so muc #with it #like Why are you so afraid of your dad. Why do you have such a hard time. Just do it . Just deal with it. girl i would if it was so easy #but she didnt react like this at all & she didnt ask anything that implied she might be thinking this way too. im v blessed alhamdulillah #she suggested to tell him that i want to wear the hijab through the phone for my own safety (which isnt an option personally but i #really appreciated the thought behind it) #and she also told me that i shouldnt do it if i dont feel ready yet to face him and its like. the first time ever someone told me this lol #she said i shouldnt put more weight on my shoulders because the situation will be a lot worse if i m not prepared #i do feel ready now though ive been dealing with this for months im just so so so scared. im so scared iwant to cry all the time #anyway. ive been sleeping much worse than usually and im waking up completely covered in sweat which is #so disgusting. i was worried that im sick or smth (cancer lol) but realised it started w ramadan!!! which is when i made up my mind when #i will talk to him #may Allah help me may Allah protect me #im about to cry again aaa

[lunarharp]

wip thing...

of my bg3 avatar hellebore. i also did some casual nude studies of my 3 characters which i'll put under a cut... rather unlike me after all. (so WARNING for abrupt non-sexual full Artistic nudity lol...,,,,) (< won't be making a habit of this)

they mean the world to me

#bg3 spoilers #?? idk. gith look so..Emaciated. And long. i guess we don't eat on the astral plane :) anyway..well..too much to say..... #it is very very very depressing having to live in the Real World after that final playthrough meant so very much to me. #i normally feel Hope & suchlike after finishing a highly immersive emotional game..but it's too hard this time and it hurtsssss lol yippee #i appreciate bg3 very much for being a place where i could access the concept of nudity & such like in a way that finally felt comfortable. #bodies are inherently non-sexual. they just Are a Fact of Life. this game being NORMAL about nudity from the character creation screen #makes it possible for someone like me to actually have a chance at accessing sensuality in a way that feels comfortable from there. #dont feel like putting it into words further. im ace. just very grateful to this game. even despite the horrors i will never ever forget it #augoh..gugf.. want to go back. my friends & love are in there.....i'm supposed to just move on? in the real world??? THIS place???? UHH???? #my characters canonically look like that too!! i see them as intersex and not so much trans. They just look that way. #Diversity win!!! the people who enacted horrors upon you and are trying to kill you again respect your pronouns!!!! <3 #I FAILED HONOUR MODE IN THE STUPIDEST WAY POSSIBLE..ACCIDENTALLY TOUCHED AN ITEM. MY LOVER TOUCHED SOME BLOOD-TOUCHED RAG ITEM @ THE CRECHE #AND MY PEOPLE MASSACRED US... YOU BELOVED PRAT. OF COURSE IT WOULD BE YOU AND IN THIS WAY #grateful for love triangle chaos...INTENSE EX DRAMA... IT HAD MAJOR REPURCUSSIONS THIS TIME...ohh so very much happened ohh my dear #truly don't know how to face the Real World now for real. I Don't Know. something has snapped. ive realised twt just makes me feel sad lol #if something in my spare time isn't at least half as fun as bg3....like.. it's not good enough. god we only have one wild and precious life #being Online makes me feel a loneliness so wretched and painful and horrible i really don't think this is the answer. #Why did you even start drawing in the first place? Why did you start this? #For real..the need to work this out and decide what on earth i'm going to do now has presented itself. Why try to get better..why be online #someone who has an imagination that can keep them so happy and fulfilled...has no business also feeling a loneliness as profound as this. #why was someone THIS introverted and withdrawn and anxious also cursed with such a restlessness? #What are you going to DO now? because hellebore and their lover are fine....... So what about you...? #hellebore..😭😭 AUUGHH!! I JUST WANT TO GO TO MY BED IN THE INN...PLAY ON MY VIOLIN THAT'S WHAT I'D DO!!!! i'd drink some ALE DAMNIT!!!!! #i was rereading My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness- the only time i've seen this level of emotional isolation depicted-and was grateful. #but then i read her latest book and now she has a debilitating substance abuse situation and it's upsetting. #I hope she finds what she was looking for. I hope we all make it. kind of wild that i dont do such major self-sabotage at this point myself #I truly think anyone who manages to find dear friends and achieve fulfillment and happiness with others outside themselves are amazing. #I see it happen from my tower. i hope we all make it. I hope we can make it through everything to come. #Why did i say all this on drawings of my characters naked. ah who even cares any more......

[cyrafoam]

Okay never sacrifice sleep to draw art. because I slept for 14 hours today and had vivid dreams about meeting Neil deGrasse Tyson at a gas station that he is in love with. listen I don't know either.

#i remember saying “of course. i should've realised that you'd be here....” #for some reason my dream had a backstory where Neil once talked about a gas station he had deep connections with in a youtube video #in the video he said to spend money at this particicular gas station #since gas prices are so high anyway. why not spend it in a place thats worthy of it? #his words (in the dream backstory) not mine #i just realized i dont even own a car #or have a licence #im never sacrificing sleep for art again (lie.) #stuff ive written

[widevibratobitch]

.

#im so tired of this lalalalalalalalaa #something is Wrong lol #i really need this therapy on wednesday but guess WHAT im not going. im going to a funeral instead 🤡 #and ill be singing in that stupid fucking church because have to but i dont fucking wanna i hate doing it and i hate churches #all i feel rn is the overwhelming urge to selfdestruct and like obv im not gonna kms now #but im so fucking angry that im not even *allowed* to do that anymore. like it was such a comfort all this time to know that i can just Quit #and now i cant because guess what someone has to take care of my mother 🫠 and im so fucking tired of being someone people depend on #to handle THEIR feelings and THEIR emotions and just take it all with humility and acceptance and kindness and never snap and bite back #like i dont WANNA hear about your dead husband i dont wanna hear about your stupid fucking boyfriend #i dont wanna hear about the new guy/girl who's hitting on you because you're so hot and perfect #i dont wanna be responsible for how people feel. i should just shut up and take it and be humble and never ask or expect anything back #but when is it MY turn to call at 1 am crying about how im tired and want to kms #or to start expecting shit of people and allow myself to get properly angry at them for not meeting those expectations #or to braggingly 'complain' about something the other person clearly lacks without any consideration for their feelings #or to just openly cry and say deeply personal shit without any filter not caring if that other person is clearly uncomfortable af #because *i* need it right now and i need someone to listen and let them worry about how to even respond to that stuff #im just so tired of people expecting shit of me im tired of being made responsible even tho i clearly cannot handle that responsibility #i wanna be mean i wanna snap and get angry and openly say that i dont give a shit and am tired and cant listen to this rn #but i cant because i have to be a motherfucking mother theresa and never dare to demand something for myself #and idk where that comes from. idk if it's coming from the fanatic catholicism of my childhood or my mother or just from myself and idc #i just feel so horrible and guilty and wrong for wanting anything for myself #and it once again feels like im making myself the victim and the tortured martyr here when i should just shut up and take it #i just wanna lie down and die and not care about who'll get angry or judge or blame me for it im tired and i dont know what to do #i want someone to take care of ME and reassure ME and make ME feel like i matter and that they really will help me if i ever need it #and that they'd be kinda sad if i were gone not because i had a role to fulfill that i failed at by killing myself but because i am a person #<- math calculations flying around my head as i come to the terrible realisation #of just why exactly im so deeply obsessed with my voice teacher (aside from her being literally the most beautiful woman alive lol) 🤡 #like babygirl stop being so utterly overwhelmingly kind to me my knees are weak i would do anything for you queen and I MEAN IT

[rememberthelaughtermp3]

realising that the reason why identifying with only one gender and being perceived as being exclusively only one single gender makes me deeply uncomfortable and identifying as one and then the other and always longing to be the one im not was all probably because i have multiple genders that i identify with and forcing myself into one of them will never work out for me and ill always feel incomplete without both.

#just gender ramblings #ive been thinking about this a lot since i started using he/she pronouns #just think about why only one pair of pronouns makes me uncomfortable but both together is good #because initially i was very hesitant about adding back she/her because i knowww im always gonna get people telling me im 'not really trans' #because of that. but it definitely was the right decision. id be so miserable if i could only be a guy ever or if i only could be a girl #its funny because its been years since i realised im trans but I'm still figuring out stuff and learning about myself #and im glad i am! learning and growth and change is so important and good and im glad im able to spend time thinking about this and working #it out #its not for anyone else its just for me #i dont feel the need to come out again as anything else #im trans im queer is the rest even that important anyways #it is important to me. and it's something id want people close to me to know and understand #but outside of that? idrc #long rambles tonight i see #ez.txt

[chloelouygo]

fun fact for yall About The Blogger, I dyed my hair a few months back to the same colour as angel devil lmao

#i cant cope with a fringe but the rest is about the same length and style too tbh #it's fading rn it's kinda pink briwn peach ??? but im hoping to do it more pink again next week #im so fucking normal about him #just let him absorb me into his ethereal skin or something idk #just give me icecream amd dont fucking touch me please #🙏🙏 #idk i dont post pictures of myself here anymore so i realised no one would realise i home cut and dyed my hair to mimic his lmaoo #no one else gets why i pucked this colour so i had to vent that no i didnt just pick coral for staining my pillowcases i had reason #and that reason is my blorbo #i love hiiiiiim

[4giorno]

googles "will i be arrested if i play the exact same bg3 character for the third time in under 2 months"

#like again i know. i paid 70€ for this game i can play it however the fuck i want #but i still feel kind of. embarrassed?? esp bc im at my parents for christmas and new years and they know ive played this character twice #and like surely i should want to do something different after like 250 hours and yet... 😭😭😭😭😭 #and ive realised that i never found the blood of lathander and my character def would want to get it even if it destroyed an ancient temple #and ive seen even more dialogue that i missed bc somehow i couldve long rested more frequently even tho i made a conscious effort to do tha #the second time around (bc i started playing multiplayer with my parents and already we got long rest stuff i never saw 💀) #also dialogue choices that fit him more but i was still too scared to pick bc i was afraid id get insta killed #or a companion would get so pissed off theyd leave.......... #you could be like oh so you know what happens why would you play it but like why does anyone play sims or something #like sometimes you wanna see your little guys in scenarios 😭 #(OH also i wanted to see if i could give astari0n worms in the beginning since he wanted them so bad #and it was literally one of the things he and my character bonded over as in they were the only bitches who thought they should use them #i just never thought to give any to him even tho he asked bc i always forget i can do stuff with the companions #AND im always afraid ill fuck something up for them gfkfjdhfkgkf) #anyway the point is wow still i have an unreasonable attatchment to this character of mine and i love him sm #and somehow i dont get bored of playing the same character after two full campaigns

[nazuna-tunnel-vision]

i love getting stupidly invested in characters. i use the whole hyperfixation as a blotch test to externalise and explore all the hang ups i didn't know i had and/or don't dare to face head-on.

#me connecting the dots and realising why sh/unazu and iz/lo have such a chokehold over me #its the platonic breakups that fuck you up for years #the i miss you i hate you i hurt you im sorry #the i know you were hurting but you hurt me too #i know i was hurting but i hurt you bad. im sorry. i cant fix this. it was better for us to part ways. it was unsalvageable #the thinking about our best days still makes me smile i still miss it i wish we could go back to those times sometimes #then i remember that we both were in terrible places back then. we were a ticking time bomb #the i still care about you i hope youre doing better now i hope we never fucking meet again #me in 2020 wondering subcobsciously zooming in on sh/unazu: im sure this doesnt mean anything #im glad i had sh/unazu and iz/lo to explore these feelings bc #theyre still so enormous and overwhelming #i dont think i would hv had the clarity to put all this into words if i didnt have #these chars for me to see it from a more detached perspective #anw problematic dynamics in fiction are so important to me <3 #anw just a thought but why is sh/nz deemed problematic when iz/lo gets a pass #literally sh/nz is healthier than iz 'you gave your life to me im not giving it back' lo #i have so many sh/nz mutuals who had to go priv bc some randos come at them for liking a ''''problematic ship''''

[caruliaa]

i hate tht so much of my life has been me begging others to care about me the way theyre supposed to . i hate that instead of wishing i didnt have to i wish that for once theyd say yes

#aggh. tfw when u start talking more w ur parents esp ur mother who have deeply traumatised you in the past #and who you dint know if u can rly forgive even if they did ever apologixd #they r at least currently being rly nice and somewhat supportive #and you really need that rn after the most important person to u ended ur friendship with them #but then u think abt spending more time with them and do spend more time with them and enjoy it #and then u think aby how one day u r gonna give them they im queer accept it or bye #and you know they arent going to based on past reactions so it is def bye #but you realise ur starting to reach a point again where losing them from yr life is gonna be rly painful #and you dont know what to do bc its not that u cant stay in the closet for tht long #bc u can happily but u dont wanna like. come out and face tht regection later when it hurts more bc u got more attached #got just. fewlings r so stupid why do i like. care about anyone. all its ever gotten me is pain and hurt #its only ever made things worse caring sm i just wish i could turn it off #flappy rambles

[dirt-str1der]

Kazu/maji is soooooo different than sae/maji this is because saejima and majima are best friends who go together everywhere and frequently close the toilet door in each others faces because they keep trying to follow each other inside and the other guys like No. im going to take a shit and kiryu and majima are like guys who are knotting each other every time they meet and conjoined at the groin , like majima will carry kiryus baby and saejima will raise it with him you know what i mean theres a lack of commitment (but no shortage of passion) with majima and kiryu theyre each others one night stand every single night but saejima and him stick with each other through thick and thin come hell or high water

#Yakuza loveblog #i just realised with horror that whenever i say kazu/maji without censoring it like that it actually appears in the tag itself #so thats why i have a typing quirk now #anyway you guys get what i mean #im not saying kiryu and majima dont love each other im just saying they dont love each other like saejima and majima do #kiryu is gentle and kind but he cant be loyal when nobody has ever sucessfully pinned him down before #saejima ... he is faithful. at the end of the day he will always come back to majima #and its the same for majima. saejima Gets him like no one else does ... they love each other the same way #i always say this but majima starting to wear his eyepatch less around saejima makes me explode fire and brimstone because he was hiding #damn near everything about himself his past his injuries and trauma because those arent for anybody but saejima. and saejima forgiving him #actively liberated him from those shackles. he waited for him every day and kept his head high until the day he could lower it to saejima .. #he bared himself to him then. showed him the life he was owed because saejima owned him then and had every right to strike him down where he #stood. nobody else was supposed to see his wounds because it was For saejima to judge if majima had been punished enough had suffered enough #for his sake .. the payment for his betrayal .. and saejima of course he forgave him. thats his bro ... the person he looks up to the most #so he forgives majima and majima is free to be his own person again not bound by honour or repayment. and he chose 2 remain by saejimas side #till death do them part or something like that #... the body text of this post implies that majima is an alpha. hes not jsyk hes literally omega coded ‘but hes so violent’ yeah. #hes meant to be like that. #saejima is levelheaded unlike kiryu so hes beta coded and he and majima fuck like rabbits #this is all FYI btw things i believe to be true backed up by source material

[skaluli]

skaluli throws up the artwork

#artluli #i feel so sick #oc #original character #neon shit #stereotypical anime school girl clothes #im so tired #everything is so bright its too bright i need to void #just sat in the dark for a bit to let my eyes chill and came back and it hurts again #i probably dont need to mention this but the art is jokey idk why i fell like i need to mention this idkkk #zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz #just realised the weird shading(?????)) makes it look like his whole leg is white white #im just gonna hit post im rambling alot #sleep well everyone

[ghosts-of-love]

🫠

#i unfollowed someone i used to be friends with at uni on instagram and i didnt think it would be a big deal bc we havent spoken in two years #i dont want to get into the reasons why i just didnt like living with her and i realised that i just didnt want to follow her on ig any mor #and like see what shes up to i guess #and i thought she wouldnt notice but literally a day after i unfollowed her she started messaging me asking why im not following her #and shes messaged every 1-2 weeks since then #i dont want to block her but i restricted her account but yeah shes still messaging me #dont know how to explain that i just dont want to see her instagram posts any more and that i stopped seeing her as a friend a long time ag #and i dont want to explain #instagram told me that she wouldnt know if i unfollowed her so i dont get how she knows unless she checks on my profile frequently? #which i hope she doesnt because again its been 2 years since weve spoken #i know unfollowing her was the right thing to do i just wish j could get past the guilt #i guess she knows that j will feel guilty if she keeps messaging me #but im just not going to ever respond because what could i possibly say? #i try so hard to like everyone i meet but i lived with her for two years and she caused me a lot of grief