#and idk if my feelings of inadequacy are because of that or what but i'm scared that my life is going to mean nothing in the end | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sailor-aviator · 7 months

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#y'all my anxiety has me spiraling as of late because it just feels like my whole life is falling apart at this point #i got fired from my job a couple of months ago and i've been scrambling to try and find a new one #i work part time at a store i really love but it pays shit #and i've had all of these interviews and no one wants to hire me and i just feel unhireable at this point and it's hard not to despair #and on top of that i'm struggling with my self esteem again #i know i'm not ugly per se but i'm struggling with feeling confident in the way i look as a big girl #and all of my old insecurities are rearing their ugly heads and i want to cry just thinking about it #and i feel like such a failure right now even though i know that life has its ups and downs but my stupid brain just won't chill #and i don't really have any friends in the area because they all either moved away or didn't live here to begin with #and i'm tired of living at home because of my stupid student loans and not being able to afford to live on my own #i have one person i hang out with and we just met and i don't want to scare them off because they're a great friend and person #and i just feel like i'm never going to meet anybody who's going to love me the way i want to be loved because of my looks #also because it's me. and i feel like i'm so flawed as a person that no one will ever fall in love with me #and i've just been feeling really alone lately and i'm trying to do things to make me feel better but it's just so HARD right now #and i love writing because it gives me a chance to explore some of my feelings and it's something i genuinely love to do #and i'm sitting here waiting for the day things start to get better. and i know we all joke and i'm gonna sounds so dumb for saying this #but i feel like i was meant to be famous? or do something great idk and it's something everyone has always told me #and idk if my feelings of inadequacy are because of that or what but i'm scared that my life is going to mean nothing in the end #anyway this was a lot and you can pretend like you didn't read it. i just wanted to write some of my feelings down

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bluejay-in-write · 3 months

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#god I feel like there's not enough posts talking about the fear of not being good enough #or maybe there are idk but just the soul crushing absolute panic of sharing my work only for it to be subpar chokes me #I can't tell what's worse the fear that someone will think it's terrible judge my inexperienced writin #or that it will fail to have any effect at all...I know I'm supposed to write for me I know I'm supposed to write because I love it #and I love it so so so much but also I love it so much that the thought of being bad at it feels like a betrayal #that every time I fail to put these immense thoughts and feelings into words that convey how much they fill me up inside and bring me life #that I am failing the one single thing that has saved me time and time again words #and when I don't have them when I expand and expand to the point of bursting with no relief that comes with pen to paper #it's as if I've wronged my one true purpose in life and if I don't write if I don't fail at least not in a way that anyone can see it #it's almost as if I can pretend that it's not happening that I'm made sick by my own inadequacy #so maybe that's what people fail to talk about how do you keep going when the one thing you were made to do #the one thing that defines your existence is......#well it looks like the words have failed me once again or maybe it is I who have failed them

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kira-fluff · 10 months

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haikyuu!! neurodivergent headcanons 💕

tw: several listed mental illnesses, some of these are solely off of vibes but most of them I have reasons lol note! I do not believe autism is a mental illness or something that is "wrong" with an individual, hence why the title is "neurodivergent" rather than "mental illness". just had to put that out there! to all my neurodivergent babies I love you! a/n: hello! as a neurodivergent like myself (depression, anxiety, ptsd, bulimia, etc etc) i thought it would be really cool to do an analysis on one of my biggest hobbies (psychological illnesses) and relate them to haikyuu characters! some of them have a deeper explanation because I feel so strongly about it.

attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADD/ADHD) BOKUTO, hinata, NISHINOYA, atsumu, lev

generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) sugawara, OIKAWA, asahi, yamaguchi, yachi, aone, akaashi, tendo

social anxiety disorder (SAD) asahi, KENMA

post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) oikawa

depression (MDD) oikawa, KENMA, kuroo, suna, matsukawa, tendo

autism sakusa, USHIJIMA, kageyama, kyotani, kenma

eating disorder(s) (AND, BND, BED) OIKAWA, KENMA

obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) oikawa

borderline personality disorder (BPD) daishou

insomnia kuroo, kenma, osamu

hypersomnia suna

analysis under the cut

it's pretty obvious that bokuto struggles the most to self-regulate, even to others, but I personally believe that oikawa struggles the most with his mental health.

like almost everyone in haikyuu, oikawa is obsessed with volleyball, but he takes it to a point of overexertion and taking his anger and frustration at his own inadequacies out on others.

I really think oikawa's relationship between he and kageyama and he and ushijima are the ones that show how bad his anxiety is

ushijima and kageyama both don't understand the emotions oikawa is feeling which could be written off as them not understanding their talents, but I think it's something more

to me, I feel it is blatantly obvious that ushijima is autistic. he just so frequently seems to be unable to read the emotions of others or takes things literally when it's something else intended. I'm not autistic, though, so autistic community, let me know your thoughts!

bokuto and hinata both have an insane amount of energy, but struggle to be successful in school. sports works for both of them because their focus is constantly needed to be diverted or "all over the place" that it helps them be great players

kuroo is one of those other characters that I feel like I'm reaching to say he has mental health struggles but to me it just comes off in vibes. first of all, any kid with divorced parents should be in therapy so I feel there's definitely some struggles there.

I think kuroo is the type that hides his struggles and pretends they aren't happening. he puts a lot of pressure on himself to be the best at everything he does, and so he feels he doesn't have time to deal with the emotions that leave him feeling empty

kenma was someone I immediately felt was autistic. he has so many key factors like an obsession/hyperfocus on his hobbies and trouble socializing (social anxiety).

kenma has some of the strongest evidence toward my beliefs, specifically in this quote: "I'm not good with people, and I don't want to interact with them. and yet, I'm very concerned about what others think of me." like, tell me that doesn't radiate autistic/SAD vibes!!!!

idk what it is, like inadequacies or what but I genuinely believe oikawa has some kind of trauma. like he's definitely carrying something that so heavily effected him that it controls the choices he makes in life

I don't have much evidence that suna has depression, it's just a vibe because of his mannerisms and what he says. I think it's the kind where it's well-managed, but it shows up in physical symptoms like apathy more than anything.

atsumu gives ADHD vibes solely because of like how all over the place he is and how he can't always seem to properly get out what he's trying to say lol

sakusa is one that to me could be seen as "done with your bullshit" but I think he also hates crowds (like me, I mean who doesn't) and struggles socially probably because of anxiety or autism. not sure!

basing daishou off of vibes, too, because if I'm being honest all I've seen in the show is him having hostile relationships or being on-off with them, though its certain I could be reading too much into it, but that's the fun of headcanons.

do you agree with what I wrote? I would love to hear your thoughts!

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dissociatingdumbass · 25 days

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Hi! I'm so nervous to send this ask cuz I can't hide behind anon but I'ma be brave for 60 seconds and hopefully this doesn't come off rude& rambling (if so feel free to ignore all this, no pressure to reply!)

So, I was reading the tags of a post you reblogged (something about being 34 with an AO3 account being cringe or whatever) and you say you're 48? Like 48 years old? Or I'm misunderstanding? Either way my first thought was, I agree with the comment implying that 30+ adults are a large part of what keeps fandoms alive, and my second thought was holy crap! I didn't know I actually followed someone in fandom who is older than me. Maybe that's silly bc I follow soooo many people, there's no way we're all the same age, right, like duh but I just got really excited about it. It felt like an "ah ha!" moment, like the difference between knowing something like a fact you read in a book yrs ago and knowing something from living through it (if that makes sense 🫠) and I just wanted to say Hi! I'm glad you're here (you and all the older members of fandom, honestly) I'm relieved actually, and maybe that's weird and silly, too, but idk knowing you're here really helped me connect with reality a bit better. Sometimes I feel like everyone in fandom is like 19 and younger and i guess the craziness in the world & fandom combined has made me feel like I'm doing something very strange at my big age enjoying fandom where it seems like only teenagers are. This isn't shade at teenagers though, I was a teen in fandom at some point but I guess I unknowingly was convinced that after 20 these things are like kids toys and sure you can keep them but if you aren't an ~established adult~ you don't have time for fan things or at least should be quiet in those spaces bc it's like creepy otherwise??? Idk idk idk🫣 I'm rambling and this is too long, the point is Hi! If I'm misunderstanding your age, my apologies, honestly; still, this has been a much needed reality check for me and I'm so very glad you're here!! (Also you're blog is like super cool)

Hi!

I am indeed 48 years old!

I haven't been active in fandom for long because in my country (Portugal) Fandoms weren't a thing...

At least not that I was aware growing up.

I've always had my little stories in my head and I had two cousins with which I'd "trade off" daydreams and story ideas... But nothing more.

My actual contact with internet and social media was only after 2003. A whole 7 years after I was married.

By then I had already allowed my dreams to be smothered... By my ex... By society... By myself...

It took me getting a divorce in 2012 to get into Fandom as a way of escaping my own feelings of failure and inadequacy.

And you know who helped me find the courage to write?

My older son. 16 at the time...

Fandom is for everyone.

For the older generation that built it and love it.

For the younger generation being introduced to it, finding community in it, finding themselves in it...

I welcome everyone into this little corner of my world on Tumblr... I'll be here if you need me. I'll be just here, in the background when you don't.

But I'll be here.

And you know what? Don't be ashamed of loving what you love. There's no age in which you should give up on your dreams, passions and hobbies...

.... Not even your plushies and toys!

Live first and foremost for yourself. Find the joy in the little things and never allow others to shame you for your passions.

Don't let anyone kill the Childlike Wonder inside you.

I'm 48...

I write fanfic and I'm a mother.

I have a bedroom filled with Fandom stuff and I have a full time job.

I have multitudes inside my heart and soul. Just like you. Just like everyone out there.

Don't let anyone take that away from you... Ever.

#ageism in social media is a plague...#we all have the ability to dream #fandom is for all of us #fandom is supposed to be a community

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toxicanonymity · 10 months

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Do you ever struggle with feelings of discouragement or inadequacy if your fics don’t do as well as you had hoped?

I’m struggling with that myself. I try not to get so hung up on it but it’s very hard, especially when something I’m so proud of doesn’t do as well as my other works.

I don’t even feel motivated to write bc I don’t wanna set myself up for disappointment

Discouragement, sure, I think that's natural sometimes. But I really don't feel like stats have anything to do with adequacy. Baring my soul, yuck. But fuck it we ball. Sorry it's a long answer.

I don't think I've ever answered a serious ask aside from the time i created Dr. rock which hardly counts but I've seen a lot of people struggling with this lately and hope this might be idk comforting to a person or two without leading to debate/discourse.

You mentioned something you're proud of isn't doing as well as your other works, and I can see how that would be disappointing. For laughs, I'll compare 2 of mine. These fics are impossible to compare (as are most, I think) but I def understand the urge to measure yourself against what you see as the potential. Aches: <1k popular trope I banged out in no time, wasn't sure about it, literally thought "people don't have to like it" before I hit post. >4 notes per word. Left in Lincoln: >22k posted so far, challenging, writing it for months. Has possibly driven me crazy bc I had this passing thought the other day and not about TLOU. (I didn't feel like re-reading it all): "I should just rewatch the movie. . .wait." 🤡 The whole Lincoln series combined has fewer notes than Aches lmao. But it's far more rewarding in getting to see it come to life, quality of engagement, and stretching myself 😏. It's not for everyone, for various reasons. Surely would have better stats without the twist I went with. But at what cost??

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Often, if people don't read or like something, it's a reflection of their own interests, limitations, and assumptions. And the right "fit."

I don't rly read much in general, but specifically, I rarely read long stuff (if I do I prob scan a lot tbh). I normally only want, if any, just enough plot/premise to build sexual tension. I don't read fluff or angst. I don't have the attention span / commitment to get invested in original characters. I tend to avoid stuff similar to what I'm working on. I make assumptions - If there's no word count, maybe it's too long. I know a lot of the fics I skip for these reasons must be fantastic. Assumptions I experience - I've seen very popular fics in the wild that strike me as dark, creepy, or pervy but aren't tagged that way. So some things that are tagged dark, etc., including plenty of mine, might not be dark in the way people assume based on their own ideas, or based on what others do tag. Also some people think I only write dark when sometimes it's just horny (see master list).

I've sometimes found myself thinking "It sucks more people don't read this bc i bet they would enjoy it" (not just my own fics). It might sound egotistical but I think it's often true.

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Of course I want engagement because that means more people reading something which can mean more interaction, discussion, learning what you liked, what you think, etc. that's what I love.

But notes aren't rly near the top of what I care about, even though it does feel great to get them and I truly appreciate every single one.

Night walks doesn't get nearly as many notes as some of my other stuff, especially these days, but it's fun to write and I like to feed his feral fans who only get more into him with time. Same with raider: among those who do read and engage, I sense rising enthusiasm, thirst, and rate of falling in love with him (my bad). That's all worth more than 1000 likes to me. I have a good time writing these guys, so I write them more than other ones that get way more notes 🤷. I'm not saying notes don't matter at all, I know they affect exposure and engagement. But if just did what gets notes, I don't think I'd have such high quality engagement bc I'd just bang out more stuff with the most popular tropes instead of our fave Joels and those destined to become our faves bc they offer something special.

My outlook was the same before I had so many followers btw. Rock Bottom (22k) was what I felt like writing, still more ambitious than anything I've done in the Halloween fandom. I was disappointed it got way less attention than my one shots, but I know it's a banger, just certainly not for everyone lol.

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I'm sorry for what you're experiencing and feeling, but I think it's very common and hope you can reframe it to not feel inadequate. I especially hope it doesn't discourage you from writing. ❤️

#ask #how the sausage is made #toxicanonymity writer's room #this doesnt mean i answer serious asks now lol

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cloud-somersault · 1 month

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Just wanted to comment that I found your post about the five pillars of magic and who is proficient in which so incredibly interesting! I was actually kinda surprised that Little Star had no experience in Shadow because I’ve gotten the impression that Macaque had more of the role of teacher with them than Wukong did at that time, and he had MK delve into it a little, but I guess the circumstances were VERY different with Macaque actually training Star but manipulating MK to siphon his powers when they first met (actually intrigued about your take on that in the Constellations verse) but obviously you as the author have more info on the characters than we as the audience do.

Poor MK is the only one not proficient in an area yet 😭 but tbh considering he’s so young compared to the rest of them and has been training officially for even less (I guess approximately a year? Maybe more or less? Idk the timelines help) then I think he’s doing real good! My guess would be that he’s gonna master either Celestial or possibly Elemental first since I guess that’s some of what Wukong had been teaching him so far and we know MK takes after him a lot in certain areas? Plot twist would be if you have some mega angst planned and he ends up mastering Death first (I remember Wukong mentioning that the golden flowers of his birth might have appeared in the Underworld too?), orrrr maybe he’ll end up being a Jack of All Trades, Master of None? Anyway MK baby I believe in you 🧡

Thanks so much! I'm glad you liked that post, I should reblog it more so others can see 😭Macaque did have a strong role in training Little Star, but the prerequisites for training in shadow are difficult...and not exactly something that sounds fun. To Little Star, magic is fun first and foremost. I don't think they'd be interested (or patient enough) to train in shadow magic. Macaque would respect that.

Huh. 🤔If I had to explain in a constellations!way or how I see it happening, Macaque was manipulating the shadows in MK's heart and mind, pulling on that emotion of wanting to be a great student, powerful and cool enough so that Monkey King would be impressed by him. We know, at this point, that MK was wondering if Wukong thought he'd made a mistake in choosing MK as his successor. Macaque would've honed in on that feeling of inadequacy and used it to his advantage.

So, then, Macaque could give power to MK in that way. Once Macaque can control/see the shadows in someone's heart and mind, it's exceptionally easy for him to manipulate them. Macaque can give them nightmares, conversely, he can also prevent nightmares by this same manipulation (this will come up later). I'd like to think that he needs to have some feeling to go off of, y'know. A way to get his foot in the door. Training with MK in season 1 was Macaque finding that way in, and he grabbed hold of it, and...the reset of the episode happened. That's how I'd explain it, anyway. So MK doesn't know shadow magic formally. He's just felt it and somewhat controlled it...kind of.

No, MK is not proficient...yet. In Constellations, the first three seasons of the show took place in two years. Right now, in the epilogue, we are in...May! Of the third year (yes i have this fic planned down to the timeline, leave me alone). The epilogue will end in, roughly, September. MK will be training that whole time.

So he's been training for about two and a half years. I'd say he's making great progress! He's mastered the 72 transformations, and once he's directed his celestial magic to interact with all of the elements, he'll have crossed another milestone. For magic proficiency, we have to think...smaller. Like by individual spells. For an immortal, time is nothing. For MK? Every second counts, and he's learning fast. He's great at cloud-somersaulting already after his first attempt. That's fucking astounding since it even took Wukong some time to master. You're right that he's doing great!!

MK is focusing on celestial and elemental right now, yes. This will come up in chapter 6 of the epilogue. And! In chapter 3, Macaque and Wukong discussed the order of teaching MK the elements. In their minds, that means MK has a solid foundation in celestial magic, enough so that they can push him to do more elemental things.

Interesting that you'd mention death magic...what a plot twist that would be, indeed. 😁We'll have to see what happens. But! I do love the idea of MK being a jack of all trades. I just love characters like that. But, if I were to put a celestial primate in that category right now, it'd be Macaque. But that's just because he loves magic so much.

Wukong did say that MK's birth made golden flowers bloom in every realm (this is very important) along with an earthquake. So! Golden flowers from MK's birth are in the Underworld! Wonder what happened with them, huh.

Maybe we'll find out~ 😉

#constellations fic #ask #anon #thank you for this ask!#constellations magic system #there's so much to keep track of. i love people picking up on little things and remembering key things

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mwebber · 8 months

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also listen, like. i know this girlseb au stuff can get pretty heavy and i get why people are in my inbox asking for fluff or post-red bull scenarios. don't get me wrong, i'm happy to linger on it! but i don't take the au so seriously anymore... she's messed up and he's not a good person and they're awful for each other. they're tropes to the extreme by design. they don't need to be anything other than completely self indulgent wank fodder if you don't want them to be. they could be an examination of gender roles if you like, or they can be your meta critique of rpf, or they can simply be read at surface level as everything changes: the heterosexual version. if u don't think something is realistic or in character--fine by me!

but ig idk, please don't like, presume the au is some epic love story that it's not. i haven't given that much thought to this whole martian pregnancy/kids/life after red bull thing beyond "oh yeah, that'd probably happen in this fic because that's what's supposed to happen in these kinds of fics." plus in all honesty, fanfic OCs like imaginary kids make me uncomfortable in general...

so how does girlseb au martian resolve their problems to get their happily ever after? they don't, not really, but it doesn't much matter bc their actual story lies in where they're unresolved. the main point is not their resolution / the answer to their problems, but how they navigate their dynamic and complex history while mired in the pit of their self-made hell, and in doing so, demonstrate aspects of survival in complicated relationships and life situations. god forbid i ever find myself in a nasty love triangle like martianson in "wrestling in dirt pits" ! but having put it on paper, i can at least put words to some personal (if far more general) feelings of inadequacy and jealousy, or at the very least, i've gotten some practice in writing messy situationships. it's fiction. it's creative writing. nothing more, but nothing less, either :)

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bidisaster-peanut-romano · 11 months

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Yo what are your thoughts around Juri? Particularly around the whole ‘have you ever wondered what it would be like to be of the opposite sex?’ line. (Btw I’m going to referring to Juri with he/him pronouns for the sake of consistency and my personal headcanon). I wouldn’t say outright that he’s an uncracked egg since his ideas surrounding gender are very limited, and I think the line should be interpreted with that in mind, so it’s possible that he wants to be GNC and imagines how being the opposite sex would allow him to express ‘weakness’ or other forms of expression more freely. I think back to that one line where he’s afraid of being seen as ‘girly’ and struggling to express how he doesn’t like Mr Burton shouting at him

I feel like Juri’s constant need to assert his masculinity and superiority over the nerds is partially due to him not feeling like he entirely fits in otherwise (because first-generation immigrant and I head canon that he only recently joined the jocks) as well as his father’s social conditioning

But if we were to interpret Juri as transfem, what would you say their relationship with Cornelius would be like? I’d imagine that Cornelius’ family is way more accepting than Juri’s but idk what impact that would have

why hi you!! i'm so happy to hear your thoughts???

so yeah, to begin with totally agree with him being first generation immigrant from russia; i do think this also contributes, because, and i might be wrong here since my knowledge is mostly based on online reports and just a few friends of mine that come from those geographic areas, as far as i know they are still particularly struggling for civil rights and in particular queer people. so yeah, i do think this perception of gender has stayed with him from there. (not that many other countries are that much better tbf. hello giorgia meloni called out about queer rights by literally everyone in the world)

i really like the interpretation of him that you suggested there?? it makes sense really. a way of sort of trying to look out of this imposed binary of expression. personally, i headcanon juri as bigender (he/she)!! he's terribly insecure about it though, because even though it is a sentiment and a perception of gender that she relates to, that he feels even comfortable into, there's that doubt gnawing inside, that internalized sentiment of how gender is supposed to work, and a sense of inadequacy at not making it work just right like the other jocks do (or at least seem to do, especially in her amplified vision where she is the only one who's wrong about it, where he is the defective one) (have i already mentioned how gender performance is a terribly strong theme of the jocks? god i love them)

and cornelius, mmh... that is in fact an interesting question. as long as they are both in school, i see their interactions to be quite hard honestly. mostly because there again, cornelius is a nerd and juri is a jock; the nerds' force runs on resentment after all, and juri as a jock would have her reputation ruined if he were to meet cornelius and someone found out about it.

on the other hand, though... i mean, i think cornelius, especially after coming out to the clique, would be fairly cmfortable in her gender expression, dare i say confident? i mean, they are still a nerd and years of being bullied and picked on does Things to a Brain, but. let's just focus on the gender euphoria there. especially since i still think her parents look at her kind of sideways about it (when they come out at least- but yes they never had problem with her playing juliet and her interests)

and juri, being as receptive as he is in this situation of his, would probably figure that asking to cornelius for even some advice might be a good idea? in secret of course!! like no other student must find out about it ever!! but. it can't hurt to try.

so yeah them getting close from here would kind of... change many things about the way they see humans at all, i guess? realizing that beyond the prejudices of a pea-brained gorilla or a stuck-up egghead there's a complex person, with fears and thoughts and feelings, just like them, because after all there isn't really an "us" and "them" but a multitude of people not really knowing what they're doing, thinking everyone else is doing it better than them, but at the end of the day just trying their best to go through life.

#mmh actually that would make for a very interesting story dear. thank you so much for this ask??? your thoughts are always a pleasure to rea #read and interact with. v interesting kudos to you!! <33 #i think it would also be interesting for them to kind of... meet some time after school finishes. some years perhaps? there are so many pos #possibilities really??#bully scholarship edition #canis canem edit #juri karamazov #cornelius johnson #odyanswers

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glassedplanets · 1 year

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template source!

jan | feb | mar | apr | may | jun | july | aug | sep | oct | nov | dec

this year i read a ton of art books, so i'll drop a big list + reflections under the cut:

i'll split these up into art books and instructional books, though there are a few that did a bit of both.

art books:

the art of heikala

the art of loish

beautiful scenes from a fantasy world

mysterious scenes from a parallel world

a sky longing for memories: the art of makoto shinkai

expedition sketchbook

windows to worlds: the art of devin elle kurtz

reverie: the art of sybilline meynet

the man who leapt through film

instructional books:

framed perspective vol. 1 & 2 by marcos mateu-mestre

master the art of speed painting

sketching from the imagination

sketching from the imagination: characters

sketching from the imagination: storytelling

beyond art fundamentals

figure drawing for artists

that's actually more than i thought, lmao. standouts for me were a sky longing for memories, windows to worlds, master the art of speed painting, and figure drawing for artists -- each of these offered some really valuable insight for me and helped me think about something in a different way. i got all these via library and at this point i'm worried that i've exhausted the catalogs of every library i have access to :/

i've only ever taken one art class in my life and it wasn't a really great experience, plus i'm not great at teaching myself things, so finally reaching for instructional books about art this year felt like a big leap and i'm glad that i took it. i also watched some of the drawclass VODs that are up on youtube and started looking for resources like studies and sketches from artists i like. idk, i guess it's kind of been about demystifying the process for me. there's a lot of stuff i've been doing the long way round for years and years or not doing at all because i didn't know that you were "allowed" to take a shortcut, or that it was even possible (eg. foliage brushes).

this year was pretty wobbly in terms of how happy i was with the art i made and how much of it i made, particularly bc Life Happened in august and just has not stopped, and i know that i felt really bad and unhappy with art for a big chunk of the year -- but now that i'm past that, i can see that i've improved a lot in a lot of the ways in which i've been wanting to improve. you know what's nuts? i only started actively drawing backgrounds for every piece last year. now i can't imagine not doing something for a background.

i think i also gnawed through a lot of... idk, shame? inadequacy? some yucky feeling i had about tagging my art for tumblr search. i think it's partially that we're all back on this hell site and i just don't care about showing my ass anymore. whatever. y'all either get to see my fucking anime Poasting or unfollow/mute/block/whatever, i don't really give a shit. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

the art goals i set for myself at the start of the year were to try making a short comic more than once, which i did! twice, actually, though i didn't post one of them. that's ok. i don't remember if this was a goal, but i submitted art to a digital zine this year too! i need to check if i can post it yet actually... lmao. and i joined a fandom event as an artist, which i'm really excited for. i haven't done a fandom event since 2013 and i've never done one as an artist.

my art goals for 2023 are to do thumbnails for most of the big pieces that i draw, and to draw people interacting physically with each other when i draw 2+ in one piece. that'll be tough since i honestly enjoy the subtlety of Two Guys Standing Next To Each Other but it's an area i want to improve in.

#my art #art summary 2022

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hauntedpearl · 1 year

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For the writing ask meme :)))

He prays to you, still.

Sometimes at his bedside, arms crossed over the mattress.

His knees creak when he straightens, and your grace reaches for him.

It wants to hold him. It wants to soothe his aches. It wants an excuse to brush against his soul.

After all, it is a part of you.

You worry.

There is nothing you can give him.

You worry.

He has given you everything.

You worry.

Where is his happiness, in this home that is yours?

You worry. You worry. You worry.

AAAH omg okay thank you for the ask!!! <333

first of all, i wrote woven out of the silence completely on impulse. it's probably, like, the most unedited/rushed fic I've written since the first one i posted here in march. it started off as an idea where i wanted to do a retrospective view into, like, the post-canon destiel love story because retrospectives are self-indulgent and fun for me, personally. i essentially had the phrase "this is how it happens" in my head and just. wrote around it.

the format is a little neither-this-nor-that because i am not. like — I'd never written poetry intentionally before. but the concept for woven was like. it wouldn't come out as a fic when i tried. so i was like okay this is words and idk if it's prose or poetry but it sure IS WORDS.

with most of my destiel fics, i just kind of love exploring the relationship dean and cas have that's never explicitly spelled out. i feel like a lot of their love is in the spaces between the big words and the grand gestures. like the little things they don't tell each other about and/or have become habit just because they have spent so much time together.

in this post-canon universe, this is cas catching dean praying at his bedside and realizing that it was habit and not, like, a consequence of their circumstances. it's Cas' grace reaching out to dean in an unconscious gesture, because that's what it's always done. there's a piece of cas that's with dean, that's always aware of him, his soul and body, and that fights to soothe any and every ache it can sense. i think i wanted that to come across, essentially— that cas is constantly with Dean, even when he's not with him.

the version of cas is my head is extremely insecure, and doesn't expect anyone to treat his needs as anything worth satisfying. being with dean changes this for him, to an extent, but he's still got a very warped view of it all. like he is not afraid to want things and he is greedy enough to keep whatever he's given and he's snarky and he's got this...fire, but beyond it all, there's this. awful feeling of inadequacy.

he's being seen and heard, but he's so sure that there is no way that people would bother that he doesn't notice that he's being seen and heard. which is what's happening in the "worry" segment. this is the part before he confronts dean. it's a little self-absorbed in a way, but again, it stems from a place of just being isolated and different and never being actually understood his whole life. also. he's just not used to seeing dean happy. he doesn't understand dean's happiness any more than he understands his own. he's like "dean wants to give me things because he loves me (as a brother/a friend) and doesn't want me to leave and he doesn't care about himself so he's just not saying anything even tho he can leave me and I'll still be here and he can go get what he really wants."

and like. it's messed up!!! because like!!! dean COULD NOT be more open to read — esp. in this fic — but cas is just. SO STUPID ABOUT IT.

which again. i love when they are essentially just in love and everyone except them kind of sees it. moron4moron, truly.

also omg I'm so sorry this is stupid long i don't have anything that deep to discuss really i just love talking about destiel my bad 😭❤️

send me a snippet from a fic of mine for the DVD commentary

#doe's inbox #fic ask meme

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akhillees · 2 years

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I need to like...vent for a moment because the racism (yes, by implying reverse racism exists, you're a fucking racist) and colourism (because even if he's a fucking devil, he exists in a form very similar to humans and has human skin tone) I had to see in the span of an hour is pushing me closer to actually losing it.

It hasn't been a full week since I started paying closer attention to Mammon's character and the content created for him and I think I'm done. I want to remain in this dopamine inducing space my mind has created for much longer and continue to indulge in creating content for this character myself because I like being in a good mood, even if it's because of a fictional character but it's honestly annoying to see how regularly Mammon gets whitewashed and also relegated to the punching bag role among his brothers, especially when he's the only darker skinned character among them.

Idk what else is there even to be said about the whitewashing by the developers themselves and the fans because this shit has been going for so long in fandoms in general, I feel jaded. I still see the same excuses again and again: "it's the lighting", "the artist is young", "the artist is still learning". You're gonna need a really, really strong light source to make a dark skinned person look that light. Even under the harsh lights of big halls, we look dark — even under the sunlight. As an artist, if you're getting criticism for whitewashing a character, the only next step is to acknowledge it and do better, not come up with excuses — apologise and learn. If you can use references to draw that chiselled 6-pack, you can use references to draw dark skinned people. It's not that hard to pull up a colour palette and use it. Artists are constantly learning and relearning theories and techniques throughout their career, this non-linear path is our journey.

It's this thing people do these days: hiding behind their inadequacies to escape scrutiny, to act small and inexperienced like a coward. The rest of us can admit to our mistakes and learn, why can't you? Don't point at the game's whitewashing to defend yours. If this is how you behave as an artist, go draw an actually light skinned character and leave these dark skinned characters alone. And to those defending these artists, shut the fuck up. The internet is already littered with unnecessary garbage, we don't need to see yours too. I'm not going to be nice about this. It took me years to unabashedly portray my own features in my own artworks because the field is saturated with preference towards light skin. I'm not going to sit here and see weakass losers trying to get way with their shoddy work.

The problem doesn't end there, does it? Why does a bunch of devils who should not be holding moral standards that humans do — they're devils, hello? — suddenly decided that Mammon is a "moron" and "scum" (I'm literally quoting the words frequently used in the game by the brothers to insult him) because he is the avatar of greed and thus acts with extreme levels of greediness? Why is it when the others act by the sin they represent, it is treated like a dorky normal daily occurrence but not when Mammon does so? Why the double standards? He takes the blame for almost every mishap. He is also the designated kind brother slash caretaker and I'm supposed to believe there's no stereotypes at play?

The game never fails to constantly remind us that he's stupid when his brothers are dumb at times too? When did one's intellect become their moral failings? And he isn't even that stupid, his strengths and interests are simply not rooted in academics. Lucifer barely has the emotional aptitude to not treat his own brothers like work, Levi doesn't even care to get his ass out of his little bubble and instead resorts to insulting people who are not obsessively into anime and games, Satan is neck-deep in "facts and logic is the ultimate solution to everything", Asmo is too vain and self-centered, Beel is so overwhelmed by his monstrous hunger that he cannot think straight at times and Belphegor decides to not sort out his traumatic past and takes it out an innocent human for a reason that wasn't the humanity's fault. They all seem stupid in one way or another so how is it different for Mammon?

I'm talking in defence of his character and the sort of state he is written into because when the only dark skinned character (among the brothers) is treated in this way, it's racism, or at the very least, colourism. I downloaded the game to relax and have fun, not to be reminded of the kind of treatments people like me are subjected to in life.

#obey me #obey me criticism #obey me mammon #i hate how i have to convince myself it's not that bad but why do i have to tolerate it #tsunderes are annoying but he's cute and in a way...endearing #even before i was fascinated by him. i found the treatment annoying #I'm gonna stick a little longer until i get mammon's demon outfit and his bedroom bg then I'm taking a break from this place

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aliferous-ly · 1 year

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Hard felt!! Idk if I want engage or three houses more, cause a three houses challenge vid is what originally drew me in to Fire Emblem and I’ve heard that Three Houses has a more serious story and Engage is far more camp. Byleth also isn’t a walking colgate billboard

What I do know is I don’t want both cause what if the turn based war strategy game genre reduces me to tears and my inadequacy soft locks me? Then that’s just a waste of money (I try to have an I’m bad at games attitude to reduce stress while playing but this has in turn increased stress when wanting a game of a genre I’ve never played or is described as a hard version of a genre favorite)

I totally get that. And tbh, both three houses or engage sound super fun if u approach them knowing if it's more serious/more camp because I doooo love a good camp game, lol.

I usually try to be realistic about my own skill set for video games which is.. mid. fps I am bad at and don't like (except for knife tag, which is just hide and seek but more fun) and indie games I'm like, I get it on steam on sale for 5 bucks, if I hate it.. it's 5 dollars. but rn I'm feeling that sunk cost fallacy guilt of not playing botw bc it cost me $40 (got it on sale? or something? who knows it's a miracle) even though the point is to, yk, have fun.

If u have steam then maybe try some cheaper turn based games? otherwise idk if fire emblem has an accessibility mode or like, a story-only mode where the fights are easy. Celeste, a commonly known hard asf indie game has an accessibility mode. Hades has "god mode" so you can advance the story if you're shit at roguelikes but really want the plot. imo most games should have this bc the point is enjoyment, not gatekeeping.

#steps off my soapbox #game accessibility is a thing i could ramble about #like ill probably never try dark souls. its my brother's favorite type of game but it just doesnt .. appeal #im all for trying things out to see if u like them so i want to encourage u to play but also . 60 dollars. woof.#i REALLY hope theres no spot in the game where inadequacy soft locks u because that would be shit #long post #kinda #also me rambling in the tags to keep the post shorter. lol

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driftingmoonmenace · 9 months

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Helo I just wanted to say I totally get having that horrible sense of inadequacy. Like I've been dealing with imposter syndrome for a while and it stems from depression (which I only got diagnosed with like a month ago) Like I'd joke about having depression and imposter syndrome a lot but a few weeks back idk I kinda realized wow it's like. Actually real. I may joke about this thing and how I wanna hide under a rock and delete my blog but when I stop using humor to soften the blow I actually do, and that is not normal at all. So yea I'm starting therapy soon and hopefully that's something we can touch on because hating everything I make no many how many ppl say it's good is not normal or healthy, and just think about how many other ways it bleeds into my self-image (friendships, relationships, general self-esteem, etc) Like if you're hating everything you make there's a good chance it's not just effecting how you view your art but how you view yourself.

So yeah if you haven't considered it yet, maybe look into therapy and/or see a psychiatrist to see if you could possibly get diagnosed with depression, cause it kinda sorta saved my life. I kept bottling things up and telling myself I was being dramatic, isolating myself, trying to erase myself from the world, and before I knew it I was on the verge of suicide. Sorry if that got too dark.

Like... chances are your brain is trying to tell you something is wrong. Whether it's with mental health, an irl situation or something else. If you feel these negative emotions about what you create, there's a reason behind it.

Obviously you're a different person with different experiences and none of this may apply to you, but I still urge you to take these feelings seriously because you do not deserve to feel like this. You deserve to say your thoughts honestly, to have fun writing/drawing with ocs, make fics, just have fun and create. It does not have to be the most imaginative thing ever, the most beautiful or the most complex. It just needs to bring you joy because finding happiness in expression is what life's about in my opinion.

Yea this got really long and I hope none of it was annoying, I just really want you to take care of yourself and stay safe, okay?

You're loved, and what you create, however small, is precious. There's only one of you and you are enough

First off I just wanna say that I totally feel you and agree on a lot of this Anon! I'm glad that you were able to get diagnosed and able to take the next step into getting help and feeling better!! It's so so important when you're dealing with all these intense, and serious, emotions!!! 💕

(gonna put the rest under the cut)

I do certainly appreciate the concern too! I've actually been diagnosed for bipolar depression for a good 15 years now, just a lot of personal things have happened since that's hindered me from getting the help I need. So these feelings and stuff certainly aren't anything new to me BUT therapy and getting medicated is something I now have the ability to work towards this year, so I'm getting there slowly but surely! ✨

#menace ask #gonna tag this just in case #tw depression #tw suicide mention #tw negative

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