#and i'd only been able to take it like once every 5 or 6 days

[transgender-scout]

amazing how taking your meds will make you feel better

#i was half on half off my meds for like three months #its one that you have to take for like a week to really get it into your system #and i'd only been able to take it like once every 5 or 6 days #we've been going for a little over a week now and yippee i feel like a person again! my friends dont hate me! my art is okay! #terrifiedofjudgement

[billthedrake]

TRAINING THE SALES GUY (PART FIVE)

Again this story has some edgier, more extreme oral play, with each chapter going a little further.

It was crazy hot seeing my straight bro of a coworker get into more extreme oral sex.

We had only two accidents. It was inevitable, I guess. The first one killed the mood.

Carson and I had been doing the Countdown Game, modeled after that video I'd sent him. The first two times we'd done it had been crazy hot, and Carson loved the challenge of it. I'd have him deep throat me and then I'd count off the seconds. The first swallow would go for one second, then Carson would back off, take a second pause and a deep breath, then I'd instruct him back on my hard cock. Swallow Two would go for two seconds, the third for three, etc.

Carson worked up to 5 seconds without too much difficulty. He was getting even better at deep throating my big dick, and his excitement fed off the game to drive him to do it with even more enthusiastic.

Rounds 6 and 7 were tougher for him, but I assured the straight-ish sales guy he could tap out at any time. I'd push his limits, but he had the ultimate say. By the time he did, we were both so worked up, I was able to do some quick face fucking to blast off straight into Carson Wells' stomach. The sight of that heavy mucus on my dong when I pulled off was just the cherry on the sundae.

The third time we played the Countdown Game, Carson went for more, and fuck, I was so turned on watching him struggle to fight that gag as he held himself pressed into my pubes. Carson wore an old, beat-up T-shirt that he didn't mind getting messy. Usually that meant that thick mucus that dripped from my cock when I pulled out or ran down his chin. But when I urged him to go for round 8, his ragged breath muttered a cry and when he took me in again, poor Carson didn't make it three seconds before he lost it.

I felt bad, and yeah I lost my hardon as I got an extra towel and a wet washcloth to help clean up. Worst was, Wells seemed pretty distraught.

"I think I'm done, Bill," he said. "Sorry." He was still hyperventilating some, trying to steady himself.

So much for the Countdown Game.

I went into full buddy mode, though. Finding him a spare T-shirt and offering to get him an Uber home. Telling him it was OK and thanking him for being a trooper. Everything in the tone of my voice told him I was OK if we stopped the more extreme throat training from here on out, and I meant it.

Thankfully Carson reached out to me next Saturday. I was glad as hell. I was getting used to my time with the guy and didn't want to get cut off cold turkey. Maybe I'd get back into doing hookups or even going on a date, but Wells was tapping into my deep fantasies and I was going to ride this suck buddy arrangement we had.

I let Carson do the work next time. Hands off, classic standing while he sat and sucked position. He was great at it, and I think the sales bro was showing me that this was as good as me taking charge of his throat.

It almost was. The slower pace did wonders for me, as I let Carson work me up gradually to a heavy cum, alternating deep throating with some more vigorous sucking.

"FUCK!" I cried. Sometimes I liked being vocal to let Carson know how deep of an orgasm he was giving me. I didn't have to play up anything that day. I reached behind his ear to massage his soft hair as he nursed the dribbles from my boner and worked toward his own big O.

"Thanks, Boss," he muttered when he finally pulled back. I could tell he appreciated that I'd let him do something less intense.

"I told you, Wells, your blowjobs are incredible."

He had a proud look. There was some kind of straight-dude competitive thing that meant Carson gave cocksucking his all. I didn't fully get it, but I loved every hookup we had.

***

All of November it was business as usual. Me acting professional with Carson at work, then Saturday meetups for a BJ from the guy. Once was on his 31st birthday and before he swallowed my cock, he muttered, "You gonna give me my present, Boss?" The more Carson and I did this, the more relaxed we got around each other, fitting into complementary roles. I played up the big bro, encouraging type, and Carson was the eager beaver into how much he got me off - and still riding that taboo that he was into having a dick in his mouth.

The guy made no move for anything else, either. No kissing, no touching. I checked in from once again to see if he wanted reciprocation. After all, Carson hadn't told me he was dating anyone. But he just assured me, he didn't like the idea of a guy doing anything for him. That was the last time I'd make the offer.

We were back to a new normal. Carson had perfected his deep throating and loved to show it off for me, but otherwise our pairings were vanilla again.

I gave him a wide berth at the office, but not avoiding him so much it looked suspicious. And for the time being we were paired with other people on sales visits, so no business trips together. The "Dream Team" would have to wait.

Still, when our annual holiday office party rolled around, I found myself talking to Carson. First with a few of the younger guys around, then just us two, alone. He was trying to keep his poker face on, but he had a naughty smile as he looked around the bar area. He was drunk, and I was getting there myself.

"So Boss," he leaned in to say. "I got a Christmas present to give you at some point."

"Yeah, Wells?" I replied with a grin. Maybe he had an actual, physical present, but that would be weird, and I had an idea of what he was getting at.

He nodded. Then he said in a deep fratty whisper, "It's been a while since we've done the Countdown Game."

Holy fuck. I'd have to will myself to keep from throwing hard in my suit trousers. I was gonna chub big time as it was. I looked to read his face. "It has," I said. Then, "We don't gotta, you know."

"I know," Carson nodded. "But I keep thinking about it. I figure I know the worst that can happen." He paused to read my expression. "But if it freaked you, Boss, I get that."

"It didn't," I assured him. "Um, stuff happens."

Carson nodded and that naughty look on his handsome face returned. It blew my mind that he was so into a guy using his mouth. "So you wanna, Boss?"

I nodded, taking a sip of my drink. "My place or yours, Carson?"

"Mine," he said. "Give me a ten minute head start?"

"Yeah," I replied, blushing and feeling my heart pound. We were really going to do this.

I went over to make small talk with two of the client service people in our department. I tried not to be obvious, but out of the corner of my eye, I watched Carson rejoin some of the younger people before finally taking leave. It took me longer than ten minutes to extricate myself from the conversation I was having with a couple of married coworkers, but soon I was giving my good night and texting Carson as I hailed a cab.

The guy had a big playful smile as he showed me into his condo. I saw a couple of towels laid out on the floor, and I gathered that Carson wanted the head start not only to keep us from being connected by our coworkers but to set up.

"Hey," I said, feeling a good deal of naughtiness myself. It wasn't quite like that first time in the Denver hotel room, but it still blew my mind that I was having a suck buddy affair with Wells. "I thought you would have changed out of the suit."

I almost regretted saying it. Carson's had an incredible body that filled out his suit pretty damn well. He had a muscle build that you wouldn't think would be in a slimmer cut suit, but the combo was incredible.

Carson just grinned and replied, "It reminds me of our first time in Denver, Boss." Damn, he was on the same wavelength all right. He tugged at the knot in tie. "This is a new tie, though," he added, starting to remove it. "The rest I can get dry cleaned if I need to."

I was getting hard. I hoped Carson wouldn't have any real issues today, but the idea that he didn't seem afraid of them was kind of hot.

He draped his tie over a chair then knelt down on a folded towel, his body looking both bigger and smaller beneath me as he got in cocksucking position in his suit. As I stepped up, he ran his hands up my own suit trousers, not feeling me up really, more just going right for my cock. "OK if I suck a little to get started, Boss?" he asked, already unzipping me and reaching in to fish out my boner. "You know, prime the pump?"

"Have at it, Wells," I assured him, feeling my erection throb in his touch, which paled to the wonderful sensation of his mouth slowly going down on me.

Carson was worked up and more than a little relaxed from the booze, and he got into it. I almost thought he'd chicken out of the Countdown Game and just suck me off the old fashioned way. But finally he pulled back and licked his lips. Carson took a deep breath and looked up at me, green eyes looking excited. "All right, Boss, I'm ready."

My dick was wet with his spit and rock hard. "You sure, Wells?" I teased, but also giving him an out if he wanted.

"Yeah," he replied. "Go for it."

"All right," I said. "Go...."

Carson leaned forward and gave a soft grunt as he swallowed me to the hilt. The first couple were always tough for him, as he retrained his throat to accept my thickness. Still, he knew he had this, and I knew he did, too, sucking me all the way down to the pubes. It was hot as fuck to watch.

"One..." I counted, and just as gradually, Wells pulled back. There was a soft plop when he pulled off.

"Hot..." Carson muttered.

"All right," I said, in implicit instruction for him to go down on me again. He nodded and once again took my dick into his mouth. He was still working me slow, and once he was there, I counted. "One... two...."

He backed off, eager for air. I was getting a little nervous how this was going to go this time. It had been a couple of months since we'd done this, and the last time it hadn't gone well. I didn't know for sure what was going on in Carson's head but the fear of retching might be a problem in itself.

"Just remember, you can tap out any time, Carson," I assured him.

"I know, Boss," he replied. "I'm got this." He didn't wait for my instruction. Already he was going for another round.

"Fuck!" I muttered, then remembered my job. His nose was already mashed in my crotch fur so he'd been getting an extra second out of this one. "One... two.... three..."

Wells had a proud grin when he pulled off. He was more composed and focused now. I didn't countdown when he was off my cock, but in my head I gave as much time off as on. So, once I hit three seconds in my head, I nodded.

"All right, Wells," I said.

Carson licked his lips then went down on me, faster this time. He was getting used to deep throating now, and within a second he was all the way down to the base.

"One... two..." I slowed the count just a little, getting off on Carson's self-control. "three... four..."

"Fuck," the guy said after he came up and took a breath.

"Too much?" I asked, checking in.

"Nope," he assured me, though not taking his eyes off my cock. He was getting ready for round five.

"Have at it," I said finally.

Now that he'd tamed his gag reflex, it was a quick descent. I realized Carson was working on a faster deep throat so he'd have more breath for the countdown. I don't know why I hadn't thought of suggesting that in my training.

My voice was getting a horny edge now. "One... two... three... four... five..." I didn't stretch out the count this time. I figured poor Wells had more ahead of him.

He pulled off, face flushed. I looked down to see him in his youthful handsomeness, trimmed beard soaked in his spit, his chest puffing out his dress shirt and spreading the lapels of his suit coat.

"Go..." I said again.

This time was even faster. Carson practically speared his own throat with my hard cock.

"One... two... three... four... five... six..."

He was feeling it now, but when he pulled back he gave a satisfied nod, even as some saliva dripped down his bearded chin. He started to wipe it off, but I urged, "Leave it." He looked up at me, green eyes twinkling. "You're a kinky fucker, Boss," he laughed.

"Pretty much," I laughed in agreement. The moment broke the spell a little, but that was a good thing, since it gave Wells more recovery time.

I let him take the initiative to get on me again. Descent number seven was slower, which made the countdown tougher for him. By the time I got to six he was struggling some, face going red and tear running down his cheek. "Easy..." I assured him, between counts six and seven. But he made it to the end and pulled off quickly, sucking in some air. I was realizing the deep breaths were less about air than about Carson reestablishing his own sense of bodily control.

Silently, in my head I counted to seven, then gave a stern but reassuring, "All right..."

He'd learned his lesson too well. He speared his throat with my dick once more, only that was the wrong move. "One..." I started and then Carson's gag reflex kicked in. I expected him to pull off, in defeat. I didn't think it was a full on retch gag, but it threatened to be.

Only the guy mustered his willpower and swallowed it all back, keeping himself fully buried in my pubes. "Holy fuck!" I gasped, then realizing Carson was going to keep going, I resumed my count. I gave him the benefit of the seconds he'd been down on me. "... four... five... six..." Wells was entering his zen state. Having surpressed his gagging once, he was keeping calm and steady with my cock lodged deep in his throat. "seven... EIGHT!" I emphasized the last number to acknowledge the achievement Wells had done.

He pulled off not fast, not slow. It was like he was afraid anything sudden would trigger something. I watched in excitement as big string of mucus connected my cock head and his lips, till it broke from my dick and landed on Carson's dress shirt, instantly darkening the pale blue cotton.

I hadn't been close to cumming, and the alcohol I'd had would probably insure I wouldn't real soon. But this was the first time I felt that telltale tingle in my nuts. I'd been so focused on Carson's progres, but now I was getting really fucking turned on.

He started to wipe off his chin but remembered my preference to see it all dripping and stopped himself. He took a few deep breaths and steadied himself.

"Another," I said. I didn't let him get to eight seconds off.

He had a real determined look on his face as he swallowed me again. I think the mucus-y spit helped lube the descent and very soon he was deep throating me. "One... two... three... four... five..." Carson was quivering, face turning red again. "You got this buddy," I assured him, then resumed, "seven... eight.... nine!"

"Fuck!" Wells muttered when he came up again. His eyes were watering but he was real fucking into this. In every way Carson was testing his limits this time and doing really well at it. "God, I love your dick, Boss," he added, his voice thick with his own mucus.

"Gonna go for ten, Wells?" I asked.

"Yeah, I wanna," he said. "Been thinking about this."

Damn. "All right," I urged. "Swallow me."

He did, again perfecting the fast but not too fast swallow. For the first four, he held perfectly still. "Five..." Carson's eyes watered now and I could see him fight himself. "six.. seven..." The guy started gagging, but as I counted he swallowed it down. "eight... nine..." Then came a deeper grunt from him as he fought to hold it. "Ten!"

When Wells pulled off that string of slime was real thick, milky in color and frothy as it plopped off my cock. Some landed on my suit trousers and some splattered on the towel below, but a good half landed on Carson's dress shirt.

"Damn, Boss," he gasped, overwhelmed by all of the sensations and emotions of this act. It was a lot for Carson to deal with.

I paused and felt my prick jerk in excitement. This was crazy hot. I no longer counted in my head but just gave Carson a beat to recover before saying. "Let's do this buddy," I urged.

He nodded gamely but I could sense his apprehension. "OK," he muttered then went down on me. I could see from his eyes that he realized he was descending too slow and a fear swept over him that he'd messed up this round.

I ran my fingers through his silky blond-ish hair. "You're good Wells," I assured him. "Come on, you've been a real trooper so far.... just one more round..." Then softly, but with a regular count I spoke. "two... three...." A slight gag came but nothing big. ".... four... five..." My own voice was getting excited now, seeing Wells push his limits. Count five after going multiple rounds was a LOT harder than round five the first time. And even as he grunted and wiggled his body some to fight his own body, Wells kept at it. "...six... seven...." Wells gagged and pulled off. I thought that was it for round eleven, but after with drawing an inch, he gulped down and was back at it, pushing into the hilt once more. "We good?" I asked, then taking Carson's stillness as a response, I continued. "... nine.... ten...." I could see his eyes really tearing. This was tough on Wells. But he was almost there. "ELEVEN!"

Wells wasn't slow in getting off this time. He practically spit out my dick and with it a heavy rope of his own slime, which mostly clung to his beard. His eyes were tearing up as he looked up at me. "Damn, Boss!"

"Fuck, man," I hissed, running my fingers along Carson's hair. I hoped this wasn't too gay, touching him like this, but I wanted to let him know how appreciative I was of what he'd just done. I tried reading his mood. "You up for another Wells?" I asked.

"Tapping out, Boss," he replied.

I nodded. "You did great, Carson," I said. "Incredible."

"Give me a second, and I can take care of you," he offered. "Like you like."

"You mean...?" I had an idea of what he was getting out.

The guy had a big grin. "Merry fucking Christmas, boss," he chuckled. "I know you like it a little messy...."

"You're already a mess, Wells," I said looking down on the vision of his knelt body. He didn't seem to have any spit or slime on his suit but his shirt was soaked with it and some still clung to his beard.

Carson smirked. Maybe if he hadn't been a little tipsy himself he would have felt more self-conscious. "Just ease up if I give the signal, OK?"

"Oh yeah," I agreed. "Tap my leg anytime and I'll ease up."

I gave him another second to recover, but I was real turned on. I guided my dick back to his wet lips and pressed in. I held on to the back of his head and gave slow, gentle thrusts into his skull.

"Fuck yes," I hissed. I had a pretty good read of Wells' response and what he could take but I was starting off cautious.

Then Carson deep throated me and I held his head against my crotch. I felt his body hunch a little and heard a soft gag. "Gonna make some slime for me, buddy?" I head another soft gag, then I pulled back to see my handiwork. There it was, all of that beautiful mucus, frothed up and clinging to my cock.

Carson was teary eyed but actually turned on too. "Damn, Boss," he muttered as I pulled back to show it off to him.

"So good, Wells." My dick was wet and the viscous throat spit clung to me rather than drip off. "Spit some more on me, buddy."

He got a lewd grin and gathered the spare spit in his mouth to slobber it on my dick. It wasn't as thick, but was a combo of regular saliva with the leftover slime.

"Fuck yes," I muttered. Then, "I gotta get off, buddy. Bad."

He nodded his agreement and I gripped his head again to steady it for a final face fuck. I didn't go hard charging with the deep throat. Instead I got off on working that slime, which got looser the more it combined with Carson's new saliva. It began making squishy sounds and was now running freely from his chin and all over my crotch. I'd regret putting my suit through this abuse, but I was turned on this all. The nastiness of it, and the physical sensations. The slickness made Carson's mouth turn into a real fleshjack feel on my prick. I started cumming.

"Shit!" I gasped as the pusles of cum shot out into Carson's sucking mouth. The whole scene had worked me up big time and I had about eight solid jets to that ejaculation. I was feeling sensitive at last.

I pulled back, hyperventilating as Carson unzipped for his own release. It took like three tugs and he was cumming too. He finally pulled up a towel to wipe off.

"I'm afraid I didn't get you a Christmas present, Wells," I quipped.

He smiled, those green eyes meeting mine. "It's OK, Boss. I think I got my present right there."

I swear my cock jerked when he said that. But I had a pressing matter on my hand. "OK if I go clean off?"

He nodded, and I went to the bathroom to wipe off the mess from our my crotch. Lessoned learned.

When I got back, Carson was gathering up the towels and getting back to normal.

"I wasn't sure you'd go for that, Carson," I said. "But that was incredible."

He gave me a knowing grin. "I guess I got freaked out last time," he explained. "But I want this too. You know, the training," he added with a blush.

I thought for a second. "How about this, Wells? You find a video you like, that turns you on. Send it to me."

He smiled. "I can do that, Boss." Then he seemed more pensive. "You think anyone at work suspects anything."

I didn't have to think about it, because I was always keenly aware of that possibility and nervous about. "I'm pretty sure they don't," I said. Then, I added, "I think we're playing it right. But if you wanna cool it..." I offered.

"We'll see," Carson said. "But I'm good for now. Like I say, I wanna go further... explore this."

It was a little awkward after that. With a gay fuck buddy, there would be a goodnight kiss, or at least a hug or something. And with Carson before I'd slip back into buddy mode. I didn't always know how to adapt to ex-frat-boy ways, but in finance I knew how to well enough.

Only after I abused Carson's throat and tested his limits, that felt weird now, too, giving him a fist bump and telling him I'd see him around.

Still, I felt alive and excited as I got out in the cold night air and made my way home. I hadn't told Carson this, but hands down this had been the most exciting sex I'd ever had.

#drakestories

[vent-stink]

Ateez Members and Whether or Not I could be in Successful Relationships with Them.

Not proofread at all, literally just word vomited

Seonghwa 10/10

Absolutely. Well. I originally had it as a 10/10 and then remembered that I'm an absolute mess and he would hate me so I changed it to a 9/10, but then again, he also shared a room with Hongjoong and I at least clean up after myself semi-regularly, so it's back to a 10/10.

We have all the same hobbies. Animal Crossing, Building Legos (He's more into this than I am, but I have been known to build 300+ pieces in my day), Cooking (I'm terrible at it, but I'm sure I could listen to him tell me what to do), etc. I'm more of a homebody, so I'd gladly enjoy just staying in and watching whatever drama I want or whatever movie he wants, and if he wants to go out, he'd be the push I'd need to go out!

He could pick my outfits, or if he wanted to wear something more feminine than usual, perhaps I'd decidedly wear something more masculine.

Seonghwa is like a mom, but he's also like a little kid, which I am also known to be! I think we could balance each other out well with the "you annoy me and I pretend to be annoyed" vibe, but you never know who will be who in the dynamic.

I could very easily see us falling into a similar dynamic to him and Hongjoong where Seonghwa is like "Look we're wearing a couple outfit" and I hate it (but I don't really, I love it).

Overall, I really think Seonghwa would bring out the best in me. Hongjoong 6/10

I honestly think I'm not hot enough for Hongjoong. I think I could treat him in a way that he might want to keep me around, but ultimately, I think it's a very high level difficulty to get to know him in the first place and an equally high if not higher standard of maintenance that he will most likely not meet me at because he's so focused on his career and his art. I think I'd need a lot of patience to get to know him and I'm honestly not the type to wait around for someone to finally look at me (well, that's actually debatable), so I'm not sure we'd ever realistically be able to get to the relationship point.

But let's say that I did make my way to him, and he wanted to get into a relationship with me. I think I'd be good at providing a place of comfort and rest, because Lord knows he loves sleeping and can fall asleep anywhere, and so can I. I think the majority of our time would be spent sleeping in the same bed. Not even cuddling, unless he initiated it, since I know he's not a physical touch kind of guy, though who knows how that might change if we were to get into a relationship. I think generally, though, he's just not a very affectionate guy, and that's fine with me as long as he establishes that I am the one he likes every once in a while.

I'm definitely not talented in the way Hongjoong is, but I do have a huge interest in music and general production, so if he ever were to let me sit with him while he works, I'd definitely show a lot of interest if he'd like that. If he would prefer to not be disturbed at all while he works, I'm good at keeping myself busy, so he'd never have to worry about that either.

I'm good at taking care of other people, and I'm a pretty low maintenance person, I think (this could be debated, but all I really need is to be reminded that you love me every once in a while). The only problem is that I dishes and I don't know how to clean a bathroom, and I doubt Hongjoong does either, so that'll probably be the end of us. If not for that, I think me and Hongjoong could be relatively successful, but unlikely. (I wrote a lot for someone I don't think I'd get along with).

Yunho 5/10

I'm like Mingi. Straight up, I am like Mingi, and I would get so insecure to see my partner treat everyone the same way and wonder if I'm not actually as special to him as I thought. Even if he does regard me highly, I think the little difference in the way he treats me in comparison with other people might just make me feel way too angsty more often than not.

But I think if I got over that, we'd have a pretty fun relationship. He'd be the extrovert I need to get out of my comfort zone. I'd gladly let him drag me out to meet his friends (although tbh I don't think he has MANY, I think he's the type of extrovert to be friendly with everyone, not necessarily to HAVE a lot a friends), or I'd be equally as glad to just hang out in his room while he plays games, because, like I said, I'm really good at keeping myself busy. I think I'd just like to be with him, since I don't like being alone, and I think being with him would never let me feel like that.

I think with a man like Yunho, he wouldn't know how to subside my general insecurity of him being a friendly guy unless he went out of his way to keep me by his side in public, which I really don't think he'd do, not because he wouldn't want to, but I just don't think he'd think to do it and I wouldn't ask him to because I don't want to be clingy (even though I am very clingy).

I really do think Yunho would be a great boyfriend, and I could be a good girlfriend to him, but I wouldn't want to dim his light with my insecurities and clinginess. He deserves to be an energetic golden retriever running in a field without me holding a leash. Yeosang 7/10

I think we would get along great. I take my view of him based on his relationship with Wooyoung, and I think he'd be the type to want to be prioritized, but he would never say so. I think I'm also like that, but once I love someone, I latch onto them, and I think he would like that. I think in that sense, I would be like San is, to him, because I like to chase just as much as I like being chased, so long as the other person doesn't mind. In this case, I'd be the one chasing, even after getting together.

I think he'd let me do whatever I want, especially with physical affection, even if he hates it (or pretends to?). We're both pretty airheaded, even though we're smart, so I think we'd be pretty cute together in the sense that it would be funny to see each other in each other, if you know I mean? I don't think it would take a lot to be a good girlfriend to Yeosang as long as I make it clear to him that I like him. I think we'd be an overall pretty low maintenance relationship.

I think the only problem in getting with him would be him not knowing what to do when I'm sad. I think, like me, if he were to see me sad, he'd probably just wait it out and let me deal with it, and while that's not the wrong strategy, I think that wouldn't differentiate him from casual people in my life when I really probably just need someone close to me to just be with me and comfort me through it (without words). I think he could easily be that person, but that side of myself is something that embarrasses me and I don't think I'd ever ask for his help the same way I don't think he'd ask to help me in fear of making me feel uncomfortable. San 9/10

I think about this man daily. Like I said in Yeosang's think where I was like "I like to chase just as much as I like being chased", well in this case, in a relationship with San, I think he'd be the one chasing, and it would just be so good for my ego. I would BASK in his affection, though, even if I pretend to be a little cold (similarly to how I'd be with Seonghwa). I think he's goofy enough to make me join his goofiness at home. I made a post before about him belting in the shower, and I really would join him. I think him singing in the house would inspire me to also want to sing in the house, since I usually don't in fear of bothering other people. I think San would make me feel comfortable at home just by BEING comfortable, and that's something I'd die for.

I think I'd tease him by pretending to be cold much more than I would do with Seonghwa, because it would be so fun to see him beg for my affection and I would ultimately give in every time, of course. I'm so touch-starved, he would literally cure my starvation and make me fat, in that sense.

I also think he would be so patient with me, because it really takes a bit to get to know me, and I think he would give me that time.

The only ONLY thing, that took the 1 off the 10 was a comment that Hongjoong made in a live once where he was like "the one who is most different on camera in Ateez is San, and he's not bad but I just think that how can someone actually be like that" or something and that scares the hell out of me. I don't know if he was just trying to tease San, who was watching, and I'm not scared in the sense that I think San might be a bad person, but I do fear the things I do not know. Mingi 8/10 We are the same person. I will always stand by that, I genuinely think we are the same person, and because of that, I think I'd be able to know what makes him happy by just treating him the way I would want him to treat me. I think I would make him so happy. I'd give him so many words of affirmation, I'd always make him feel special, I'd always give him space but I'd make sure he's always comfortable enough to come to me when he wants affection or comfort in any capacity. These are all things that I want, that I genuinely think he would also crave.

Gosh, I can just imagine him getting in my car (when I eventually learn how to drive) and the first thing I say to him is "Oh my fucking God, you're so handsome, what the fuck" and it's just so aggressive and he'd get so happy and smiley. His awkward cuteness would turn me feral I swear. Everytime he does something awkward I would without fail hype him up as if it was the funniest thing he has ever said (because I know what it's like to see your joke fall flat and it genuinely takes so much courage to recover from that so I want to support him). I think I honest to God would be the best girlfriend for Mingi (save for the fact that I'm waiting until marriage).

With that, I get to my next point, though. I'm not saying Mingi is selfish, but I do think he is a little self-absorbed, and I don't think he'd realize how similar we are and therefore wouldn't be able to tell what my needs are or fill them the same way I would be able to do for him. I think he could learn after a very long time, but I think he'd definitely hurt my feelings a few times before getting the hang of being my boyfriend. I think he'd unknowingly not prioritize me thinking that he was doing enough without having done much at all. Wooyoung 8/10

I think we're so different. He is much more social than I am, even if he's not necessarily an extrovert anymore. He makes friends SO easily and he likes getting out of the house, and I can only hope that he has enough patience to push me to do those things with him and be outgoing. I think he'd want to introduce me to his friends, but wouldn't know how to in a way that would make me comfortable enough the same way Yunho might (or maybe I'd just be too intimidated to meet Yeonjun or Changbin specifically).

I think the core of our relationship would be at home. I'd be happy for him to drag me out, but our most tender moments would be at home when we cook together or when I make him something to eat or drink and he tells me specifically how I could make it better so that every time I make it for him it gets better.

I'm also someone who really likes my space, and if Wooyoung is my boyfriend, he will also really like my space. And this is not generally something that's healthy, but I like it when people that I like force themselves into my space to be close to me (obviously when I say no, it's no, but if I don't say yes, it still means yes, but that's just me). I imagine that one time Wooyoung and Seonghwa were on the couch during Ateez Fever Road and Wooyoung is just shoving him with his body "because I like you!" he says. Yeah, I imagine that happening very very often. I think the way Wooyoung shows affection, by being "mean" and also pushing boundaries of affection, is my ideal type. Jongho 10/10

I think Jongho would take care of me really well. I think we're similar in the sense that we have similar singing talent. Jongho often talks about how his singing talent isn't something he was born with but rather something he worked so hard to perfect and continues to do so. I don't have the same confidence, even though I have been able to sing since I was a child, I get insecure when I hear people who are ten times better than me and think that no matter what I do I will never sound better than them. I think Jongho, through his experience, would be able to encourage me to do better, even help me. I think that would be the case for this and for a lot of things in my life. I think I would me motivated to be better just by having him around, and it would be a constant thing for us to sing together.

I think Jongho is another one those types that I'd be chasing, and I'd love every moment of it. I think, even if we're in a relationship, he'd pretend to be very cool casual during really romantic dates as if it's no big deal in the sense that he wants some normalcy and he just wants to look like a cool guy, but I would break that down every time. I think I'd fluster him and make him laugh a lot, just to see the tough guy exterior go down. I'd see more gums than teeth on a regular basis. I think I would love Jongho just because I'd feel good by making him laugh, because I think something I regularly get insecure about is having nothing to offer, and if Jongho really is as encouraging as I'd like to think, I think being able to make him laugh would make me feel as of some use to him.

Also I see SMAUs always make him super mean to his girlfriend, and like I totally see that because honestly that's my ideal type. (People I really like are people who bully me, I'm sorry I'm toxic). But I also do think that he would say things like "I miss you" "Let's go to dinner after I'm done" "Can you come over" pretty regularly, like he wouldn't be afraid to tell me when he misses me. I think he'd also use me as an outlet, but very very casually like saying things like "I'm so tired" because he's so busy and he can't say it out loud because it's useless to do so when he has to do it all, anyway, but he sends it to me because I will listen.

Okay, now this is kind of turning more into Headcanons than it is about my genuine analysis, but I could honestly talk about what it would be like (for me) to be in a relationship with literally any of them for hours. I rated them, but I could still see myself with them equally if they ever gave me the time of day.

#ateez fluff #ateez imagines #jung wooyoung #choi san #choi jongho #song mingi #park seonghwa #kim hongjoong #jeong yunho #kang yeosang #ateez headcanons

[achairwithapandaonit]

20 questions for writers

tagged by @aobawilliams ! (thank you!)

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

44 (that's a lot!)

2. What's your total AO3 word count? 212,262

3. What fandoms do you write for?

I've written for quite a lot of fandoms but I think currently I'm only writing for One Piece and Black Butler. I used to write quite a bit for my hero academia, but the hyperfixation passed a long time ago. And I think no matter how much time passes I'll always be up for writing for detective conan/magic kaito.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Villain? Gamer? Why not both? (4803 kudos)

Shouta's Guide to House-training Two Idiots (2178 kudos)

Two Weeks (1191 kudos)

Accidental Kidnappings and Semi-purposeful Hostage Situations (1084 kudos)

The Wake-up Call (1082 kudos)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I used to, but I don't anymore. I can take things very personally and I'd posted a fic where someone didn't agree with my characterisation of one of the characters and told me this in the comments. I didn't take it well and argued with them, and now that kind of embarrasses me (though, tbh I'd be embarrassed myself if I commented on someone's fic without being asked for feedback in a way that was critical to their approach to a character. Sometimes fanfic just isn't for you and you should leave others alone and let them do their thing).

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

it's probably The Stranger (Mob Psycho 100 fic)

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

hmmm i mean, the thing is, my fics rarely end. so i don't really know...

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I got a proper hate comment once. it was really funny. they didn't mention anything critical of my writing and just told me it was shit and that i'm too old to write like that (i doubt they knew hold old i am?? i don't put my age online anymore). i assume i made them mad on tumblr so they decided to try and make my day bad?? but i just found it funny.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

No. Sometimes I think it would be fun to write smut just to try something new but then I realise I don't enjoy writing about sex and don't have any ideas unless they're funny crack treated seriously ones.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

@aobawilliams and I have a shared bnha/detective conan crossover we were planning to write maybe a couple years agonow. we never got round to it tho cause aha writing hard :')

i did have a dream where ciel phantomhive got yeeted into the one piece world tho and that was fun. only problem is i think it'd be VERY hard to write something like that. very funny tho. he would hate every second of his forced one piece holiday

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I think I've had a couple people pop up in dms to ask to translate my fics before. I've never seen the supposed translated fics tho (not that I'd be able to read them).

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

aoba and I have several co-owned wips that likely won't ever see the light of day cause writing is hard and we are very very tired.

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

I don't really have a favourite. I just have ones I think are funny or interesting to explore.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

ughhh too many. idek.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I've been told my character dialogue is quite good?

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Actually having to write ):

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I don't really like it cause I have no idea what's being said and am too lazy to look up a translation, but to each their own.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

I have this very old very embarrassing memory of writing tsubasa chronicle/tokyo babylon crossover fanfic for my english class homework as an 11 or 12 year old. i think they got ice cream.

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

I'm not sure. Maybe The Ceiling of the World (black butler) just cause I've wanted to write black butler fanfic for years and never finished any other wip. Otherwise it'd probably be one of the bnha wips I never finished (there was this time travel one that made me go insane. now that I'm thinking about it I REALLY need to finish it) and uploaded or Permanent Membership Guaranteed (bnha)

not tagging anyone but if u want you can take this as a go ahead to do it.

#tag game

[bucky-bucky-bucky-bucky]

I cannot even describe how much I hate my school.

I hate their policies, their staff- I hate the institution as a whole.

Rant below:

It's a for profit (read: expensive) school that does not deliver anything that is up to par with the price.

The ultrasound lab is tiny, with only 6 ultrasound machines. Two machines are pretty good, one is fine, and the rest are fucking abysmal. They are what is referred to as "non diagnostic", meaning that you'd never use them to scan a patient. The image quality is so low it's like staring at TV static. But I was forced to take my competency (scanning test) on the worst machine in the lab. It was so awful that by the end, I felt like I couldn't see anything because I'd basically been staring at TV static for 45 minutes straight. My teacher even said that the machine sucks and that when you turn the gain (the brightness) up, it only makes the image more fuzzy. But yeah, I was forced to use it on my competency. And I was the only one who had to use that machine! I haven't gotten my grade back yet but I know it will be awful. And if I fail, I will have to do remediation with my teacher where we go over my images and he tells me what's wrong with them. I can already tell you what's wrong with them- the machine is a piece of shit. Also if I fail, I will have to retake it, but I am only allowed a grade of 75. I'm not the type of person to blame my short comings or failures on things outside of myself, but come on...

And when I spoke to my teacher about it after class (privately) he brushed me off. He told me he wouldn’t penalize me for the fuzzy, subpar, low quality images- but that was only half the point. I was trying to communicate to him that the issue was the machine quality + my eyes being completely fried by the tv static appearance + the horrible quality nearly threw me into a panic attack + I was the only one who had to use that machine. But he didn’t listen. And I know that he won’t take what I said (what little I was able to say before he interrupted) into account.

And the rules... oh my god. Your attendance and professionalism are rolled into one grade that is referred to as your "professionalism grade". You can get points deducted for missing class, being late, not having your textbooks, etc. And I have to laugh. Like, I went to an actual university before attending this two year program, and The fucking University of Texas as Austin did not deduct points if a student doesn't have a textbook one day. It's like we're in middle school.

Plus, this whole attendance / professionalism thing is bullshit. They said at the start of the program that if you have to miss class because of an extenuating circumstance, they will understand. But they do not understand. There is zero understanding. My classmate's brother was just murdered. Brutally murdered. She missed class yesterday to attend his memorial, and they gave her a zero for her professionalism. You're telling me that the murder of her brother isn't an extenuating circumstance?

The school as a whole has no empathy or understanding for their students.

One of my teachers also constantly eavesdrops and polices our conversations. Even when we're talking quietly in a small group during break time, she butts in. She makes judgmental comments and has to lecture us at least once a week about how we don't have it that bad. She's one of those "if it was bad for me, it should be bad for you" kind of teachers. She's always like "well when I was in school I was a full time student and working full time and doing clinical full time and I was a full time wife and a full time mother" and I just simply DO. NOT. CARE. She just wants to invalidate us and what we're going through. And she does it at every turn. She's actually done the whole "oh, let me play a song for you on the worlds tiniest violin" bit and she thinks it's sOoOoOo funny. She told a classmate of mine that he "isn't allowed" to say that he's tired when he only got 5 hours of sleep, because she "only ever gets about 2 hours of sleep"- and she says it like it's a flex. Maam, you're gonna be dead and buried at 50 if you dont sleep. Thats not something to brag about. And not sleeping is not going to help us succeed with our academics. This teacher has told us to not sleep and to skip meals in order to study- but doing those things will only make retaining the information harder.

Plus, the teachers know how fucking stressed we are and they don't care. They know the program is really hard in regard to subject matter, but they make it even worse because they are horrible when it comes to scheduling and communication. First semester, we were told we would never have a test the week before finals because it's not fair. But second and third semester, my teacher has casually added another test the week before finals as though it's not a big deal. They're constantly adding and changing test/ quiz dates- and it's never in out favor. Plus, our two teachers always make it so that we have tests / quizzes back to back. We have class Monday through Thursday, but they always choose to put their tests /quizzes on Monday and Tuesday.

Generally speaking, it feels like sabotage after sabotage after sabotage. It feels like they are setting us up to fail. I'm dreading my competency grade. I'm dreading the next two semesters. I'm so miserable.

#chcp

[thepolyamorouspolymath]

Just remembering when Oldest was a child in light of people condemning medicating children. Now we had no idea he was autistic but we were reasonably positive he had ADHD.

He could not learn to read. At 3 he could recognize the names of any dinosaur but even at 7, words like "the" stymied him.

Now my child is not stupid by any stretch. As a teen he studies history for fun. It was just not something he could process.

To make things worse, he was given a gifted younger brother who learned to read by himself by the age of 4. In school he passed the grade level books in his classroom, got sent to pick books from the next grade up, passed those, and got sent another grade up to borrow books -- unfortunately once to Oldest's classroom as his teacher didn't know.

My child was convinced he was stupid. It helped a bit when I said that as much of a reader as I am -- I can cover 1000 pages in a day and read probably 250 books a year -- I didn't really learn until I was 8. Not sure if I could have and just nothing interested me until Narnia or if my brain was just not ready. And showing him studies showing the normal age for learning to read is not 5 or 6, its anywhere from 4 to 8.

It was hard but we were keeping it from hurting too bad... until 2 months before the end of second grade. You see third grade marks a transition where kids need to be able to read better and write more, and he was a year and a half behind the benchmark. The principal, which had been my teacher and speech team coach when I'd been in high school called me in to explain she had to hold him back, for his own good. That it wasn't a step taken lightly because they knew the harm it does to a child's self image but that he failing continuously would do just as much. (Made worse because there was talk at the same time about his brother skipping a grade, which would have put them -- 2 years apart -- in the same grade.) Because of our history, she agreed not to make it official until the end of the year, but wanted me prepared, because as she put it m, there were only 8 weeks left and there was simply no way he'd catch up that much that fast.

He had a doctor's appointment for ADHD a couple days later because I'd been told they shouldn't be given meds until they turned 8. He was quickly diagnosed and given Ritalin.

The change could not be overstated, and at the end if the year, he was exactly at the benchmark, having caught up that full year and a half in 8 weeks, something that a brilliant and dedicated educator (because she was truly invested in the best for all her students, she was a good one) thought utterly impossible.

All for the low price of taking one pill every morning. Don't refuse children medications to make their lives better and easier.

[sio-writes]

Sacrifice - Chapter 6

<< Chapter 5

<<< Chapter 1

Summary: This winter has been brutal, and you’re out of options. So, with teary eyes, you take your best goat into the woods, hoping for some pity from whatever god finds you.

A/N: My laptop is undergoing some maintenance right now, and I’m posting this from my iPad. So if you see any editing/formatting errors...No you don’t, haha. (Also I’ll add all links to chapters once I get my laptop back!)

The changeling house is an hour's walk downstream from Aurelius' home. It occurs to me to mark my trail as I walk so I can find my way back, until that first look and I see the tree stretching so far into the sky it disappears through the clouds. It makes the sigil on my back itch, and suddenly I'm not concerned with getting lost anymore. So I follow the river's winding path, over slippery stones and muddy banks. Anything that may have gotten in my way, be it animal or fae creature, all scurry out of my path. 

In one arm I hold a basket of fruit from Dachaigh, in the other a book from the library. It didn't disappear when I stepped out of the house, a sure enough sign that I wasn't ripping a piece of Dachaigh away once I left. I only mean it as a tool, a piece of information to trade in case the food isn't accepted. 

The cover is lined in gold filigree, but has no title on the cover or the spine. The pages inside are strange, with slanted, irregular text that cuts off at odd places, or rotates around so one would have to read the book upside down. The perfect, typed font tells me it wasn't written by hand, so it's not one of Aurelius' journals, therefore I felt safe enough being able to trade it away.

So down the winding river I go, stopping to sip from the stream and pluck a grape from the basket every now and then. The day is lovely, as always, small feathery clouds dot the sky, the sun lights up the forest floor, and I take the time I'm walking to appreciate just being outside.

Aurelius won’t notice that I’m gone. It’s a thought that strikes at my heart, a hot iron dunked into cool water. Alongside it is the thought that if I’m timely enough, if I make it back before sundown, he would never realize that I left at all. The alternative isn't comforting either. That he knows exactly where I am now, and where I'm going, and he doesn't care.

I feel my control over this situation with him is slipping. Not that I had much to begin with, but the small amount of influence I had is all but gone. The extent of these festival preparations, deciphering his notes, has only led me so far. I 've read what I could and thrown the rest to the side.

The house comes into view through the thickness of the trees, a two-level cottage with a garden to the side, and a stone path to the door. The roof is tiled orange and black, and the walls are colored cream. There's smoke swirling out of the chimney, and I step up to the door and knock.

Gregory implied that I could visit, and I hope he wasn't being facetious, because I'd love to visit the other humans here on a regular basis.

I’d wondered what they’re like, if they’re all similar to Gregory, or if they’re like the fae I’ve come across. Will they reject me, or bring me into their home? Trick me?

Just as I decide it's been too long of a wait and turn to leave, the door creaks open, and a familiar eye catches the light. I offer a small wave and a smaller smile, and the door opens fully to reveal Gregory. He's got a shiny gold shirt on and poofy black pants that end at his knees. His hair is mussed, and there's smudged golden paint around his eyes that speak of sleep— I must've woken him up. Still, after looking me up and down, his face breaks into a smile.

"It's you!"

I offer the basket. "I brought food."

Gregory claps his hands together in delight. "Lovely! Come in, please."

He waves me in, his gold ear jewelry catching the morning light, and I step across the threshold only for my jaw to drop.

The cabin is huge and open, the front room has couches and cushions around a low table, with large windows on the far wall that show a beautiful river just a stone's throw away. There's hallways to my immediate right and left that lead into open sitting rooms, and a staircase on either side leading to the second level.

Gregory, unaware of my awe, continues forward as naturally as I would in the library. He leads me towards the back-right of the main hall that turns into the kitchens, a huge space with a rectangular island in the middle. I follow him only after quickly scraping my muddy feet on the welcome mat and running to catch up. My bare feet slap against the tile, causing Gregory to look back at me, then down to the dried mud caking my ankles and the hem of my dress.

I'd used my first dress, my original dress, for this journey, as I didn't want the nicer ones I'd just finished to pick up mud. I realize that was a grave mistake, and I shift the basket into both of my hands in a futile attempt to cover the mud.  Gregory doesn't say anything, only purses his lips and continues into the kitchen.

Inside there are three other humans, more than I thought I'd ever see again. One is sitting on the countertop swinging her legs, her skin is a rich brown and her black, wildly curly hair is piled atop her head, while the two others swim around each other as they cook. One is as pale as the moon with a shock of red hair, the other is tanned, with silky black hair tied to their nape.

"Everyone, this is Kaitlyn." He announces, getting all of their attention. The two cooks turn around, and the one at the counter stops swinging her legs. They stare at Gregory, then at me, as Gegory points to each person, left to right. "Meet Emile, Kimiko, and Josefina."

They're staring at me, all of them expecting an answer, a response. The one on the counter, Josefina, although I doubt that's her true name, has an eyebrow raised as she looks me over, her gaze stopping at my feet. 

I shuffle awkwardly, looking between each of them. "Hello."

They all look fresh, clean. Their clothes are all crisp, no fraying at the edges. Kimiko's hair shines in the morning light. My feet are covered in mud and the plait I'd pulled my hair into is simple. Ordinary.

The man, Emile, squints. "Kaitlyn, where have I heard that name before?"

Gregory plants his hands on his hips. "She's the one I tried to steal at the market."

All their eyes widen, and Kimiko scoffs. "No shit?"

"Not a shit to be seen," he says, and I can't tell if he's joking, but they all laugh.

Something on the stove starts to simmer, interrupting the laughter with a loud hiss, and Kimiko curses before turning back to her work. Gregory gestures to the kitchen, and I take the sign and set my basket on the countertop in the middle.

Josefina hops off the counter as Emile steps up to the basket.

"Ooh, you brought grapes! I haven't had grapes in a decade!" he says, picking up a whole string and starting to pick them off.

"What did you bring us?" Kimiko quickly examines the basket, picking through the food. "Grapes, cherries-- oh Gregory, you love cherries, don't you?" She glances up at me. "You didn't bring any cheese?"

I shuffle my feet, bare and dirty against their floor. "No."

I’d told Dachaigh I’d be visiting them, but she only provided me with the usual assortment of fruits in the basket. I hadn’t thought to ask for anything extra.

"Well that's okay," she waves me off. "You can bring cheese next time."

"O-okay." Shame is creeping up my spine, I can feel it sinking claws into my skin. I want to make a good impression, I want them to like me. They're my only human connection here.

"Come on Kimi," Gregory says. "She brought us food."

Gregory turns towards me, and rests a hand on my shoulder while offering me an easy smile, the same relaxed smile that eased my fears in the market. "Don't worry about them, they're impossible to please."

Just as I return the smile, the door leading outside opens and in come two more people. A tall, willowy woman with short hair the color of snow, and a tall, dark-skinned man with long dreadlocks. They both have a healthy layer of dirt on their clothes and hands, as if toiling in a garden, and my heart eases its frantic beating. I'm still the filthiest one here, but not the only one.

"Hey!" Kimiko waves to them with her spoon, which is covered in some kind of sauce and splatters the countertop. "We got a new one!"

The willowy woman groans, letting her head fall back. "Another baby? We just finished with Josefina!"

"Fuck off," Josefina fires back, popping an orange slice into her mouth.

"Then what--?" The woman says, her eyes falling on the basket. She looks to Gregory, then past him to me. Her eyes go wide as saucers and she's beside me in a manner of two steps.

"You're new!" she says, her grin wide and excited.

"That's Sveta, that's Francois," Gregory loudly whispers, gesturing to each of them.

Sveta reminds me of a kinder version of the faeries I encountered on the trail. She flits around me, gently tugging my hair, pinching my cheeks and patting my arms. 

"How long have you been here? Do you really live with the master? Were you taken like us? Oh what fun!"

Francois steps forward, gently pushing Sveta aside. He's built like the Greek athletes I've seen in picture books, taller than me by at least a head, and I instinctively take a step back, tensing.

But he’s quiet, gentle when he asks, "I see you brought a book. Is it from the lord's library? What is it? What's inside?" His voice is level, but I can hear the curiosity, the excitement behind it.

His voice is soothing, like Aurelius' is in quiet moments, and I relax as I hand the book over. "I…I can't read it. I brought it in case…"

Sveta tilts her head, looking like a bird. "In case of what?"

"I-I'm not sure," I lie. "I didn't know…what to expect."

Josefina says, "Did you think we worked like the fair folk?" and her tone is upset, offended. I feel my heart sink.

"I…"

She rolls her eyes, and I see the orange rinds collapse as she squeezes her hands. "It's not all trades and magic, you know."

"That's not--"

"Hey, be nice," Gregory says, stepping between us. "She hasn't been outside, and living with the master? Perfectly understandable, she'd think we need to barter."

Francois turns to me and smiles gently. "We don't work like The Neighbors do, or even the lord. We're still human, all grouped together."

I nod, looking down at my hands and fighting the burning in my nose that comes before tears. How stupid of me, to assume humans and fae followed the same rules. I'm glad Josefina's not staring at me anymore, her eyes are bright green and piercing. Like she can see into my soul.

Francois steps away, leaning against the wall as he flips through the book. It leaves an opening for Sveta to continue prodding. "So you're the lord's new mate?"

I look into her eyes, which are a pale gray with flecks of green. "I'm…I'm not his mate."

She rolls her eyes. "Horseshit. Do you live in his home?"

"I-- Yes."

"Does he provide for you?"

"It's more the house herself that provides…."

"And you fuck, yes?"

My jaw clenches, and the color in my face is enough of an answer.

Sveta barks a laugh. "See? You're his mate."

"Look at her face," Kimiko exclaims, pointing at me. "She is red as a beet! They definitely fuck."

"What is that even like?" Emile asks.

"Does he rut you like an animal?"

"I'd imagine he's soft and kind."

"He's terrifying! I'd want to face away."

They all laugh, and I look down at my hands. They’re chapped and dry from doing chores this morning. 

I think I prefer the company of the fae to these humans. They remind me of the ladies my age that came in from the city. Mean-spirited. It makes me want to take a bath and forget this whole ordeal.

Sveta pulls me into a hug and I try not to shiver. "Don't be so serious, darling! We just tease."

Sveta releases me, and I sway on my feet. I'm not used to so much touching, not even from Aurelius.

Pulling me out of my own anxiety is Gregory, gently holding my hands in his. He's warm, he's stepped close enough that I can smell spices and honey.

I look down at our joined hands. Gregory says something, but his words bounce against my head, unheard. The last human I spoke with, let alone touched, was Andrew nearly half a year past. There's people here. People I can talk to without worrying that they’re going to steal the words from my mouth. 

Emotion, overwhelming and all at once, washes over me. The stinging in my nose returns, spilling over into tears. My face scrunches up as the tears flow freely, and I must look so ugly, but I can’t help it.

Gregory makes a distressed sound in the back of his throat. "Hey, no, it's okay."

Svate rests a hand on my shoulder. "Yeah, we're sorry, please don't cry."

"I think she's overwhelmed," he says, pulling me into a tight hug.

I didn’t mean to make them feel bad, to have them worry over me. But still, they guide me out into the living area and sit me on the couch. I feel like a newborn sheep, barely able to walk, blinking the tears out of my eyes. 

Slowly, I come down from my hysterics, wrung out and tired. I’m offered a handkerchief that I use then rest on my lap, and then Kimiko shoves a plate full of buttered bread in my face. 

“It’s fresh. Eat it,” she says curtly, her head turned to the side, her lips pursed.

I take the plate and pick up a slice, and take a tentative bite. It’s sourdough, with a toasted outside and soft inside. I haven’t had sourdough in ages, and I realize I hadn’t eaten breakfast— the basket of fruit is sitting in the kitchen.

Emile leans forward in his seat. "Tell us of the human world. Have they fallen to shit?"

Through my despair, I find the light in me to laugh. "Not quite. In the city there's a lot of steam engines, and a lot of people. There's a machine for everything, even sewing."

All of them 'oh' in unison, fascinated, and I smile as I finish off the first slice of bread. I once found it fascinating too, until I learned how expensive such machines are. But I'll spare them that piece of information.

They ask me about the city, and I tell them what I know, making up only a few details here and there. Kimiko is fascinated by the fashion of whale-boned stays and kirtles, and Emile wants to know if men still wear their hair long. Throughout the conversation I pick up on details, small and fleeting, about my new friends.

Gregory was the first one here, raised by a witch until he was a young man. He learned to hunt, fish, and care for himself on his own. Then came Kimiko and Emile as young children, both stolen away from countries across the sea. Francois was next, replaced as an adult, and he had a difficult time adjusting to this strange, fae world. Finally, Josefina arrived as a baby, and they all worked together to raise her, and she’s been here for at least seven decades. 

I want to ask questions, I have so many. Why they age to a certain point then stop, or how they came across this cabin. But I’m content to keep listening, absorbing their stories as they tell them. It’s Kimiko who pulls me out of my listening state.

"You could live with us, you know," she says, propping her chin on her fist.

I set the empty plate down.They all refused my offer to share, leaving me to finish it off. "I could?"

She smiles at me for the first time. "If you ever get tired of the old lord."

"I appreciate that," I say, smiling back.

The six of them continue talking, mostly about what they did that day, and I let it flow around me easily. I've never been a lively girl, or the best at conversation. I'm more of a listener than a speaker. But having six voices bouncing off one another is a certain type of peaceful. It reminds me of the days my parents and brother would share stories around the soup pot. This is familiar, and I want to be there for all of it.

"This book you brought is full of spells," Francois says, wandering in from the kitchen. "Did you know that?"

I grimace, shame souring my belly. "I couldn't read the script." 

"They're very advanced," he continues, oblivious to my insecurity, idly flipping pages as he slowly meanders towards the couch and finally plops next to Kimiko. "They're all about conjuring, summoning spirits and such."

"That's amazing," I say, genuinely surprised. You can do that?

"The cost is high, though. Look here, to open a portal between planes you need a mutual agreement on top of a great trade."

"How great?" Emile asks.

"Something of 'great perceived value', whatever that means."

I inhale so sharply I choke on my saliva.

"I think she knows what it means," Kimiko says around a laugh as she pats my back.

***

I feel lighter on the walk back to Aurelius' home. The time with other people was like jumping into a clear pool-- refreshing and bright. Their laughter echoes throughout my head, their easy touches are ghosts on my skin.

I want to tell Aurelius about my day.

He didn't come and fetch me at all, which bodes well for me, as I wasn't interrupted. If he needed anything he knew where I was anyway. But it’s a little disappointing in hindsight, that he didn’t need me, and didn't wonder where I was. The realization slows my steps, makes my arms like lead.

Climbing up the stairs into Dachaigh makes me anxious, as if Aurelius will be waiting for me in the library to reprimand me like a child. But he’s not there, and I breathe a little easier. It’s not like I’ve done anything wrong, or broken some rule, so why do I feel like he’s going to be upset?

I set the empty basket on the low table and head towards my bed. I’m exhausted, all the talking and people certainly sapped my energy. I fall into the cushions lining the massive windowsill, careful to keep my feet off the blankets as I fall backwards and stare at the ceiling. I’m ready for an afternoon nap, and then I’d like to work on my second dress.

“Kyla,” comes Aurelius’ voice from across the room. I sit up, and there he is, appearing out of thin air. 

“Aurelius,” I say. 

He steps up to me, and takes my hand, pulling me to a standing position. "Come, come." 

“What—?” He allows me no time to ask before pulling me across the room towards the stairs. He stretches an arm out and grabs all my notes before shoving them all at me which I barely manage to wrap my arms around it all before we’re flying down the stairs.

He’s dressed very nicely: a crisp white collared-shirt and tan pants and suspenders. His shape is human with those long arms, reminding me of my father, narrow from the legs up until filling out at the shoulders that speaks of endless time chopping wood. Is this his true form? The form underneath the cloak he wears? 

"Where are we going?"

He turns back to me, and I catch a glimpse of his head. I’d thought it was his typical corrupted deer because he maintained the branching antlers, but this one is sharp and dangerous, with extra angles and longer, threatening teeth. "I have business to attend to,” he says. “I require your assistance."

I try not to trip over my own feet. "Business?"

"The vendors for the festival are beginning to arrive. Your papers are what gives them their position."

“Oh,” I say, rather stupidly.

Before I have time to think, he pulls me outside, and there's a long line of Fair Folk, winding like a snake to the treeline. There’s animals that I’ve seen, and animals that I could never imagine. There’s half-human half-animal hybrids, beings with shimmering skin in every visible color, and even a few that seem to be made of pure light. I see feathers and scales and rough skin and slime. Bringers of dark and bringers of light, and bringers of something neither good nor bad, all gathered at Aurelius’ home for a festival.

My eyes widen. "They're setting up here?"

I stop dead, and Aurelius nearly yanks me to the floor when he keeps moving. "In the clearing, yes."

I sigh heavily, resigning myself to go along with whatever he wants. He’s not going to explain.

We step the edge of the shadow but not completely out of it, and every single being, creature and fae, bow their heads, in respect or fear I’m not sure, but it’s a humbling sight to watch them all stare resolutely at the ground.

From my notes, I've gathered that Aurelius sits at the north end of the clearing, with the vendors to the south. There's a large empty section for celebration and dancing, and the whole area is lit with magical floating aurora.

The first patron is easy, Aurelius gives them their assigned location and they walk off. And after five, six more groups it’s almost boring, menial. Until we encounter a snag.

A patron of dryads approaches, and I remember their location was one that I’d changed. Quickly flicking through the pages I find their rearrangement and slap it on the table, triumphant. Aurelius looks down at me, and I swear that he’s glaring.

“No, the Aur dryads will go here,” and he points to the map.

“But this’ll put them closer to the woods, and isn’t that what they—“

“It is not how it’s done, my doe.” And he smoothes a hand over my head, making the dryads laugh and my face ignite. 

He’s not going to listen to me, much less take me seriously. What did I prepare all these notes for, then? What was the point of it? I want to walk away, I want to go take a bath, but I shouldn’t be giving up so easily. I learned that I need to speak up to earn my place here.

After that, I do my best to follow along, chiming in when I recognize a symbol from the notes or a vendor from the list. But every time, Aurelius denies me. Every time, he tells me things don’t work that way, or these vendors are never together. My favorite was a series of stalls that float in the air above the festival that also need to be arranged a certain way. 

The next fae is a kind I've never heard of in books or stories. A giant rabbit, as tall as a man when they sit on their haunches, carrying a small basket and wearing a bonnet. The strangest thing, though. She’s not looking down. She’s actually looking up at Aurelius, with large, shiny black eyes.

Aurelius leans down so the two of them are eye-level. "Hello Eodine."

The rabbit’s nose twitches, and then shakes her head. "Atya, my dear!” I gasp— her mouth barely moves when she speaks. 

“How are you?” She asks. “And oh--" those inky black eyes turn to me. "Who is this?"

Aurelius taps one of his branching antlers with his long claw instead of answering, and the large rabbit named Eodine gasps.

"This is the human you've captured!" she remarks, planting her furry paws on her hips. "Haven't seen a new face in near a century. Send her my way for some tea, Atya, I could use more company than just you."

"Of course."

They speak easily, and Aurelius marks a spot close to his seat for her. I’d originally moved her small art station towards the middle so it would see more patrons, but I don’t mind being wrong about this one. She reminds me of a matron, or a grandmother. She’s opinionated and harsh, but well-meaning and kind.

Eodine speaks a little longer with Aurelius, catching up and making plans, and I wish those plans included me.

“You, human,” she says, looking at me. “Visit me anytime before sundown.” And she turns away, stepping with those large paws towards the grass, where she fades into the mist.

In my silence, Aurelius turns back to the line of fae, and continues his placement of stalls. I want to think of Eodine more, but I’m caught up in a slurry of plans, arrangements, and vendors. Every part of me rails against opposing Aurelius, but I still try to assert myself.

"I think the takoyaki stand could go here with the rest of the--"

"That is not how it's done. The kitsune are always placed here," he gestures to another spot that makes no sense. 

"A food stand shouldn't be in the middle of two textile patrons. The fabrics will absorb the smell."

"M'lord is correct, human. It is always done this way," the fox says quietly, glancing up at me through their long fox lashes. "Although, I'd hate to ruin the lovely river spirit's textiles." They bring a paw up to their snout, as they look over the layout in thought. 

For what feels like the thirtieth time, I want to pull Aurelius aside and ask him why he brought me here. I asked for something to do, but was it a fruitless task just meant to keep me busy?

"Would m'lord perhaps," the fox gestures to the open spot. "Consider moving us here?"

Aurelius goes quiet, considering the map. He heaves a heavy sigh through his snout, and crosses his arms. "You will have to tell the Whiteadder spirit that they're being transferred."

"M'lord is most kind," the fox says with a bow, before literally disappearing in a puff of smoke.

Before the next round of fae comes, I look up at Aurelius, my face drawn into a frown. "Why'd you bring me if you're only going to shoot down all my ideas?"

"I wanted you here, with me," he says, folding his arms over his chest. It’s still strange to see him in human clothing, I’m so used to the tall cloaked form.

“To do what?” I ask helplessly.

“To be by my side.”

One of the fae speaks up, "That's a cursed life if I ever heard one!"

The fae to their right chimes in, "The human is rather silly for agreeing to live with him!"

And another voice asks, "Can you even look him in the eyes when you fuck?"

They all laugh for half a moment, until Aurelius growls low in his throat, and every voice goes silent.

"Certain placements are sacred," he chides me, and I scoff.

"How was I supposed to know that?"

"I'm telling you now."

I want to cry and scream at the same time. I ball my hands into fists to keep from lashing out at Aurelius. I hate it here, I want to leave.

Another fae in line that I can’t see jeers loudly, bringing up a chorus of responding cheers. I don't like having our personal life on display for these creatures. They haven't earned the right to my anger. So I stomp away, ignoring the laughter of the fae behind me.

Maybe that kindly rabbit or the other humans will take me in, I think as I make my way to the center of the tree and up the staircase.

***

Aurelius takes the rest of the evening to sort out the placements, and I can only go to one place: the library. I’d considered exploring the other levels of Dachaigh, but she still doesn’t feel like home. I’m not comfortable rooting around in Aurelius’ personal belongings, especially when he considers me one of them. He’s been kind in the past, but I’ve seen his anger, not the frustration that pushes me to the floor and makes me his, but his true anger. His rage. And I don’t want that turned on me if I stumble upon some secret.

So I watch the sunset from my bed, through the large window that lines it. The colors run together, orange and red and purple, with wispy, bright pink clouds. It’s gorgeous, and speaks of fair weather for tomorrow. I idly wonder what the others are doing, the humans at the cottage.

My visit to the house floats through my mind like a bird on the breeze. They’d all be nice to visit again, but I need to remember to defend myself or I fear I’ll become their new scapegoat, an easy target for harsh words. But I’m more comfortable with them after this initial visit, and I hope I can remain friends with them.

In the corner, Dachaigh shoves a book from the shelf, the same one meaning an affirmative, and I groan to the endless ceiling.

“Dachaigh, I’m too tired for this.”

Another book falls, and I sigh heavily. I’m not in the mood for more games. But yet another book falls, almost insistent in the way it hits the ground, and I roll out of bed.

I put the initial book back in its place, and turn to fix the others, when it falls again. I squint at it on the floor, put it back again, then straighten to stand just as she pushes it off the shelf again. Dachaigh is trying to tell me something.

I pick up the book and open it. It’s softbound with no title and those same, tilted words that I’ve come to know as Aurelius’ handwriting. I couldn’t read it before, but I’ve become familiar with his script after devoting weeks to planning a festival that I’ll have no part in. Quickly flipping through, I see it’s not completely full, about half the pages in the back of the journal are blank. I flip to the last entry, a single line of perfect cursive: The human has left.

Ice shoots down my spine and my mind is thrown into a tornado of thought. No, this must be a falsehood. Aurelius has told me he’s never brought another to his home, and the fair folk won’t lie. But Aurelius is not of the fair folk, he’s a god. Would he lie to me? Why would he, what purpose does it serve?

The book falls out of my hands and clatters on the floor.

Something in my mind snaps, the world slows to a halt, and everything I knew about Aurelius snaps into focus. I clap my hands together.

“I need a bath.”

Like someone with no personality, I walk away from the bookshelves and into the bathing room to take a long, hot bath. Nothing about today is bothering me. I’m completely fine. 

Strangely enough, I’m beginning to recognize all the bottles on the bath’s edge, so when one very deep green bottle about as long as my forearm appears amongst them, I’m curious. I can’t see the color of the liquid inside through the green glass, but it’s slick, loose flowing like water, not the thick soaps I’ve become used to.

This one still has its glass stopper, and pulling it out I smell roses, jasmine, and an undercurrent of spice. Sandalwood? Ginger? It’s almost seductive, this combination of smells. I take another deep inhale and I tip some of the liquid into my palm. 

I was correct in my assumptions— it’s an oil. For bathing or…some other purpose. The smell is even stronger out of the bottle, washing over the whole room. It’s definitely meant to catch attention, and part of me wants to slather it all over my body and stand in the library, waiting for whatever beast it awakens in this creature I’ve linked my life to.

Instead, I decide on a milder option, and dump it into the water. I dump it until it’s empty, and climb in, immediately dunking my head underneath the water. All sound, all sight, all feeling cuts off from me as I hold my breath. I can’t open my eyes, so I rest my forehead against my knees until my lungs begin to scream.

The human has left.

After a long soak, I dress in Aurelius’ long shirt and pad into the library. I’m not tired enough to fall asleep, and the lights are too dim to read by, so I resume my former position of sulking in the windowsill and watching the stars.

It’s a long time before I hear Aurelius climbing the stairs, making noise so I know he’s coming. I expect he’s going to ignore me and head to his room but instead, I feel his presence over my shoulder.

"You are unhappy."

I scoff. "Yeah, no shit."

"Let me show you something."

"I'd really rather--ah!" He picks me up from the couch and we dissolve away, his strange method of teleportation taking us outside.

The transportation makes me dizzy, and the night air is cold. He's taken us to an empty field, where the grass has grown high and unruly. It’s the dead of night, so I can’t see much, but I can still see Dachaigh in the distance.

“You smell nice,” Aurelius says as he sets me down. He starts off north, at least I think it's north, and we reach a sandy lake.

"Where are we?"

"A practice field. I'm going to show you this," and he produces a book. Bound in black leather, embossed symbols on the front and along the spine. A chill runs up my spine at first— it looks just like the journal— but it’s much thicker, and hardbound like a proper book. I take it— oh, it’s heavy, and inside is runes, the same he used to bring us to this plane. I realize why he brought me out, and I smile.

"You're teaching me magic."

He looks away, shuffling awkwardly. "You requested it."

My face stretches into a wide grin. "You're teaching me magic!"

Unable to contain my joy, I jump in the air and fold my arms over his frame. I’m learning magic!

I open the book, and on the opening page is the setup Aurelius used to bring me to this plane. I run my fingers over it, feeling the raised impressions of the ink, before flipping through the rest of the book. Its language is scattered, runes and symbols blending together to make a stew of words and thoughts. It’s impossible to make anything out, even the margins with scribbled notes are too tightly scripted for me to decipher.

"I…I can't read this," I say, tears welling up behind my eyes.

“Oh,” Aurelius says, stepping forward and starting to fret. He takes the book in one hand and encircles me in the other. “Here, here, let me show you. Here.”

Flipping to a page in the middle, he gently holds my hand in his, the only point of warmth on this cool night, and guides my finger over the sand. He’s gentle, guiding instead of forcing, and I wish I saw this side of him more.

We trace a few circles, some too lopsided, others too shaky, until he finally deems one acceptable. I feel a swell of pride as he nods decisively, and then points to the runes surrounding the circle, telling me which to draw first. There’s six in total, spread around evenly like a clock, and simple enough that I can listen to Aurelius as he speaks and I draw the runes at the same time.

"You're already familiar with the idea, but it bears repeating. All magic comes at an exchange. You’re pulling from nature itself, and nature always takes what it is owed. It is always hungry." 

Before I can ask what he means he breaks off a piece of his own antler, and that black ichor wells up and begins to drip on the ground.

"Your head…" I frown as my stomach turns with guilt.

He waves me off with his free hand as he places the piece in the center of the circle. "It will regrow by tomorrow."

And for a moment, it is quiet. And then, the antler begins to glow a soft green. It shakes and spins, stretching and twisting around on itself as it’s pulled into the air. It flashes several colors, red, purple, orange, before settling on green. It’s as high as my chest before it shudders once more, elongating and exploding from one end, and a bouquet of wildflowers takes its place, held together by a simple black ribbon. The flowers are bright and fresh— red poppies, yellow yarrows, purple bergamot, and several other types I don’t recognize all combining in an arrangement as big as my head. 

The flowers slowly float towards me, as if carried by some invisible suitor, and I grab them from the air. The moment my hand touches the stalks, the green magic fades, and I’m left holding the flowers, grinning impossibly wide.

These are flowers. Real, cut flowers that I could find at the market. And I made them from a branch and some runes in the sand. I shove my. Face into the bouquet and take a deep inhale through my nose. It smells like summer, like summer and beauty.

"I did that! I really, really just did that!” I say, my voice echoing in the field.

Aurelius chuckles, and rests a heavy hand on my shoulder. "Well done."

The contact warms me, makes my heart leap inside my chest. I did something right! I’m full of energy now, I want to do another.

I look up to him, eager. "What else?"

Aurelius hums, idly flipping through the book. "Ah."

It’s another circular configuration, an oval, actually, with a large, complex rune in the center. 

“This will do, for now.”

This oval is much easier than the circle, now that I know what I’m doing, and the single rune is more complex than the last, but Aurelius traces the strokes with his finger and guides me through.

Despite the chill in the air, I manage to draw the large symbol, easily the size of my torso, into the sand. It’s not perfect, and I push my lips out in a pout, but maybe if we do this again I can ask him how to properly draw things.

Now I just need something to trade.

I look down at myself. I have no branching antlers to snap off, nor any articles of clothing I wish to remove. I look back up at Aurelius, helpless. "What should I…?"

He considers me for a moment, tilting his head this way and that as if trying to get a better look, and hums thoughtfully.

"This is your second lesson. Humans with the potential for magic often have to give up very little of themselves. Try something small."

I pluck a few hairs from my head, and set them in the center, expecting nothing. Then the rune begins to glow blue, peeling off the ground and floating into the air. It ripples and shimmers before shooting back into the ground, flattening and growing into a small pool of water within the oval. The sand absorbs the water before I have a chance to touch it, but the damp sand is enough proof that I need to affirm that yes, I just created water.

My grin returns full force, and I jump to standing. Water! I can make water! But something nags at my mind, and I look up to Aurelius.

"Why so little, when you had to…" I reach up, and my fingers barely brush the antlers branching from his head.

“This was nothing,” he says, tilting his head to allow me access to brush my fingers over the empty space. “As much as you giving up your hair. Humans are also more potent because they are rare, they have to trade much less than, say, an average fae.”

My eyes widen. "How did you know I could do magic?"

"I've known since the first moment I touched you."

"And you kept it to yourself this whole time?"

He straightens, and brings one long hand up to tap at his unmarred antler. "I admit that the thought was in my mind, but it was overshadowed by other things. I was only reminded when Eodine brought it up."

I frown. What would take up space in a god’s head?Then I remember: The human before me. When did he write that? How far back did the entries go? Were they like me?

Instead, I ask flatly, "Overshadowed?" 

Aurelius looks towards the house, then back to me. He exhales a long sigh before he leans forward, looming over me, moving as if to gently knock the side of my head with his snout, but stops. It’s like he’s waiting for something, but I couldn’t guess what.

“You left today,” he says.

His head shifts on my shoulder, and he sinks to the ground, sitting so we're level with each other, and holds out his hands for me to take. Against my better judgment, I take his hands, still warm and calloused, and look down at them in the silence.

Aurelius speaks up, “Why did you go?”

“You know where I was.”

“But why?”

“Why do you care?”

He stills and looks away, hands tightening on my fingers, and my stomach drops. I know what he’s going to say.

"Because I love you."

My lips part on a sharp inhale as images rush through my head. Of Aurelius saving me from the forest fae, of him giving me the library, the gifts he brings back. Alongside it are memories of our argument earlier today, of him chasing down Gregory because I dared to wander off, of him removing me from his bed day after day. 

The human has left.

Whatever this is between us right now, it’s not love. It’s not the love I want.

"No, you don't," I say, sighing, and pulling my hands away. 

He doesn't respond, seeming to shrink back into himself, his empty hands folding in front of him in a way that reminds me of a mouse.

"It's getting cold," I say, rubbing my arm for emphasis. "I'm going inside."

And I turn away from him, the magic we just created together, and towards a home I don’t belong in.

Perhaps I'm wrong. What do I know of love? My own parents weren't unhappy, but they certainly didn't seem to be in love. I loved my brother dearly, but I know it's different from romance.

When I sold crops in town, I'd hear the ladies speak of their courtships with the lords. How they'd be gifted a new trinket each day, each one more exuberant than the last; How their beloved would write them sonnets of their beauty, or commission an artist to capture it in painting. They'd cry out when their suitors arrived on horseback, flinging themselves into his waiting arms and peppering each other with kisses.

After my parents passed, I received a few such pleasantries. A few notes written in cursive that I couldn't read, fresh cut flower bouquets that I'd heard have secret languages. One brave man even visited our home, but Arthur had already contracted his illness by then, and the suitor fled once Arthur began coughing. He was a nice gentleman, and I once imagined myself marrying him and moving to the city, leaving the farm behind. The men of town weren't like the farmers surrounding it. They were soft, romantic and well-educated.

But Aurelius is not human. Perhaps I'm expecting too much of him to align himself with the lowly creatures he watches over. Perhaps all I'll ever be is a trinket to him, a pet to be watched over and cared for. We never set out to build a romance.

And yet, I still crave one.

Deep in my bones, I know that I want everything from him, his affection, his touch, his gifts of books and buttons and safety. I want his anger, his jealousy, his need to possess me in every way possible. I want to learn to read better for him, to share meals and a bed. But he doesn’t love me the way he should.

I’m well underneath Dachaigh when Aurelius appears in front of me, a flicker of shadow and bone.

“Don’t be angry with me,” he says, and I see the stars in his eyes sparkle. “I don’t like when you’re angry with me.”

“Then don’t do things that make me angry,” I say in a rush.

“What am I doing wrong?” 

“You shouldn’t need me to tell you!” I shout, and I’m silently stricken. That was a cruel thing to say. I sound like my mother. Angry at a cowering child for doing something without realizing. Aurelius is even still keeping his head lower than mine, so I can look him in the eyes.

The human has left.

I don’t want to talk anymore. I can’t speak with him anymore. I don’t want to crack open my heart when I don’t know what he’s going to do with it. It’s too late, I’m too tired, and it’s too cold for any of this. Aurelius couldn’t have picked a worse time to bring this up.

I push past him, ignoring the hitch of my breaths and the constricting of my throat. I will not cry. Not here.

“Kyla,” he says, his voice far too soft for what he is, and I continue walking, brisque and cold.

Aurelius doesn’t chase after me, doesn’t call my name again, even as I ascend the stairs, and wind through the room, and bury myself into my bed. There, and only there, do I let the tears flow freely.

#sacrifice #My writing #monster boyfriend #monster x human #monster romance #this chapter is hefty #That’s why it took me a few extra days #Thanks so much for everyones patience! #Monster writing

[mlobsters]

supernatural s15e20 carry on (w. andrew dabb)

well. i started watching this show last year around end of february. more or less since maybe a bit through s1, i've been watching one episode a day. sometimes it takes me a few days to get through one episode, other times i need a break because of some bad stuff in the episode prior. i've been posting a recap thing for every episode since about midway through s4.

297 posts under my spnwatch tag, which has some doubles because of reblogs when i split up the watch etc. so yeah, only a year of my life, but i've spent so many hours writing about the show now that it's like i'm wrapping up some large project by finishing it. that said, because i didn't write up those first few seasons (only when i recognized someone and did a hey i know you), i do think i might go back and write those up when i start a rewatch. so i have a project extension waiting in the wings 🤪

i made a fanvid, i've made spn gifs and even some j2 gifs

i've also painted a good amount of things from the show now

so i guess this is all to say, this show has been so creatively inspiring and i'm thankful for that - despite all my regular complaining, i do care so much for these two characters and the relationship they forged and shared on screen over all these years. i'm late to the party but i'm glad i got here nonetheless

i'm nervous to watch this episode. i know the main moments but not how it plays out. and i've been upset about and complained about dean's ending for many a season knowing it was coming down the pike

i gather there's no official time on when this takes place, but that jared has said 5 years later and the script linked from the wiki said 6 months but however long it was apparently sam has learned to use a towel with a hot pan handle in this little domestic slice of life montage

DEAN What? What's wrong? SAM Nothing. I'm fine. DEAN No, come on. I know that face. That's, uh... That Sad Sam face. SAM I'm not Sad Sam. I'm just... I'm thinking about Cass, you know? Jack. If they could be here. DEAN Yeah, no. I think about 'em, too. You know what? That pain's not gonna go away. Right? But if we don't keep living, then all that sacrifice is gonna be for nothing. So, quit being a friggin' Eeyore, huh? Come on.

get busy living or get busy dying

can't complain about going out on a monster of the week episode vs the any of the prior ridiculous mainplots

is it happening already? there's a barn. and vampires. i mean, that's kind of funny that they brought back some very minor evil side character and immediately killed her off. ok well and they showed us dean once narrowly missing the rebar so i guess so.

i knew i wasn't going to handle dean dying well, and i'm not handling it well. he's so young and they went through so much misery for basically his entire life. and insult to injury is sam having to live without him for so long.

DEAN I must have stood outside your dorm for hours... because I didn't... I didn't know what... What you would say. I thought you'd tell me to... to get lost or get dead. And I don't know what I would've done... if I didn't have you. 'Cause I was so scared. I was scared, 'cause when it all came down to it, it was always you and me. It's always been you... and me. SAM Then don't leave me. Don't leave me. I can't do this alone.

i really hate everything about him dying like this but i can appreciate the words they gave us for their love for each other.

i really would like to finish this in one go because i don't want to be crying for two days.

not a fan of the licensed music choices jay gruska (ofc) made. lyrics fit but music itself, pass. maybe for the best, if there was something better in this collection of sam grieving i might not be able to handle it. not really handling now either tbf

DEAN So, Jack did all that? BOBBY Well... Cass helped.

that mean cas is out of the empty then? i'd think i would know that, and with jack fixing everything that would make sense

DEAN It's almost perfect. BOBBY He'll be along. Time up here, it's... it's different.

but it isn't for sammy... but i guess he's happy with his kid and blurry wife and all that, so.

if they were gonna do the gray wig on jared, the least they could have done was some aging makeup as well

counted i think 3 variations of the mushy music theme between dean dying, something else i don't wanna backtrack for, and on the bridge

i know this is a happy ending but just like i considered a fic where the mains die in the last moments when they're old still mcd, this falls under the same kind of thing for me personally. some things make me cry, and it's cathartic. i cry easily, obviously. this is engineered to make me sob and i don't like the premise of him dying early, or that we had to follow the story through them dying to reunite in heaven. it surely adds to the romance of the story, but i also find it incredibly upsetting and i don't particularly like feeling this way. so this is why i'd been dreading this episode for months.

so, that's that, i guess.

Eric Kripke revealed in an interview with EW, that after learning of the show's planned ending, he had attempted to think of different ones to pitch back to Andrew Dabb and Bob Singer, but ultimately came to the conclusion that their planned ending was the right one. Saying of his proposed alternate ending: "There's only one scene that I haven't done that I would've done for the end of the show and I'm certainly not going to give it away, maybe one day I will. But I can assure the fans that my ending was so much darker than the ending they're going with, so anyone who's like, 'Kripke should've ended it,' I'm like, 'You would've hated my ending!' Because it was a horror movie and it was going to have a horror movie ending, so I can promise you the ending [they went with] you'll love much more than if you had let me end the show."

i can only imagine and yes i'm sure i would have hated it too

Dean II: Dad. It's okay. You can go now.

As he described at the November StageIt panel, it was Jared's idea to mirror Dean's death with Sam's. The line "You can go now" was inspired by what director Bob Singer related he had said to his own father.

yeah yeah. my mom made me tell my dad this too when he was dying from cancer when I was 16.

#supernatural #spnwatch #andrew dabb #spn 15x20 #spn musical score #spn mushy music #jay gruska #sam and dean mush

[stormyoceans]

Have a nice day, Monica! 🌸 Merry Christmas! Regardless of age or status, this time will always seem fabulous. On these lines I will be your personal Kevin McAllister, mentally protecting not only your home, but also your health, sophisticatedly dealing with insomnia that is trying to steal your sleep. I set a wide variety of traps, set snares and keep cans of paint ready if the insomniac wants to cross the threshold of your house. Thank you for the little joys of reading all your posts written with love, for the emotions that I experienced while reading them. This is definitely better for mental health than a browser window with world news. Peace and happiness to you and your home! Take care of yourself!🌸

And by tradition, a question for you: the top 5 of your favorite Christmas cartoons and films?

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO MY DEAR 🌸 ANON!!!!!!!!! 💜

the idea of you taking a page out of kevin's book and setting up all kind of traps to keep insomnia away from me is both so hilarious and incredibly sweet that i don't quite know what to say except thank you. thank you for always being so lovely, for sending me the kindest messages and for caring about my health. if i was able to give you back even just a little of the happiness that you gave me, then im really glad!!!!!!

as for your question, im actually not very big on christmas movies, but here are some that are very dear to me and that i end up watching every year:

home alone and home alone 2. THEE CHRISTMAS MOVIES OF ALL TIME. A HOLIDAY STAPLE. maybe im cheating by putting both of them together, but when i was a kid (and here im gonna show how truly old am i) we had them on video tape and we would always watch them on christmas day one right after the other. if i had to choose tho, i think i'd pick home alone 2. i know it's not as good as the first one, but for some reason it's always been very comforting to me (and i always dearly loved pigeon lady).

tokyo godfathers. i stumbled upon this movie completely by accident in my late teens when i was very into animanga and it immediately became one of my favorites. it's about 3 homeless people (a former drag queen, a runaway teen, and a grumpy alcoholic) who find a baby in a dumpster and try to reunite it with its family. it’s got humor, it’s got heart, it's about chosen and blood family, and most of all it's both very human and very magical.

klaus. it's the most recent movie in this list and consequently the one that has less sentimental value, but in such a short time it has become very important to me. it's hilarious, heartwarming and one of the most comforting movies i've ever seen. to quote klaus, "one true, selfless act always sparks another." that's the true spirit of the holidays to me and how i strive to live my life.

trading places. so fun fact.. here in italy our national television has been airing this movie on christmas eve every single year without fail since - i kid you not - 1997. i was 6 years old at the time. i am now 32. i spent 26 years of my life watching trading places on christmas eve. what i was doing yesterday evening? watching trading places. and just like me, so was every single italian out there. it doesn't even matter if we like it or not, that's not the point, it's just become tradition like setting up the christmas tree and it's the only certainty we have left in this country: on christmas eve we watch trading places (hashtag just italian things).

the santa clause. this is another movie that used to air a lot around the holidays when i was a kid. i've never particularly cared about it, but my mom ADORED this movie and she always put it on while cooking for christmas. once i got older enough to help her in the kitchen, it still kept us company in the background as we worked, so i inevitably ended up growing fond of it and it's one of those movies that to this day i make sure to find the time to watch with my mom every year.

#this got pretty long my bad ;;;;;;;; #thank you again for everything anon!!!!! may you have a joyous holiday season and a 2024 full of love peace and good health!!!!! #m: ask

[cataztrophi]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Tagged by: @noodyl-blasstal thanks!!

Tagging: @fandomsnstuff @duck-newton I think a lot of people have been tagged already but if you haven't pls consider this an invitation to answer these as well!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

2 currently, but I plan on putting up my TAZNC work at which point I will have 15!

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

4,680 right now, but that number will increase by a lot shortly since I think all my TAZNC works were between 1,000-4,000 words.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

TAZ, and I've got a few Owl House things in the works I hope to finish some day.

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

Show Me Yours, then The Thing With Feathers

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes! I love receiving comments and I love being able to talk a bit about what I was thinking when I wrote things.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I don't usually write a lot of angst, but probably this unnamed ficlet because nothing really gets resolved at the end, although it is a fairly hopeful ending.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

It's hard to pick, I write mostly things that leave a lot of possibilities open, but I'd say probably my 10th entry for TAZNC this year (man I really gotta name these things) because I think the emotional journey makes the ending more satisfying.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Nope! I've only gotten very kind words and I'm extremely grateful for all of them.

9. Do you write smut?

Yup. Nothing I'm quite finished with yet but I have several in the works and I hope to get some posted soon

10. Do you write crossovers?

They're not really my style, but I think they are fun to think about and play around with!

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of, and I'm small enough right now that I think it's unlikely.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not that I've heard of

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I did once on a previous account, unfortunately I was very bad at finishing anything at that point in my life and I hadn't gotten on ADD meds, so we didn't finish it (my fault). I'd like to co-write something at some point, but I think I'd need to have more practice with writing/finishing longer stories before I felt confident about doing it again.

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

Taakitz babey! Top tier meet-weird plus some truly beautiful moments, and such a great dynamic to play around with

15. What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I'm not sure I'd say "never," but there is one Taakitz fake dating fic that I would need to seriously rework in order to make it coherent. I hope to finish some version of it someday, but it certainly won't look like the current WIP.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Boy I wish I knew! Someone told me I have a "lyrical" writing style, so I'll take it! I do really like working with the flow of words. Also I wrote a lot of tender romantic scenes when I was a touch-starved closeted high schooler, and I was surprised by how easy those scenes feel to write in my current work.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I have a tendency to write too much lead-in and too much ending if I'm not careful, so I basically have to chop off the first and last bits of every fic. I am very bad at coming up with plots. I worry a lot about capturing characters' voices and can struggle with differentiating them. And as previously mentioned, I tend to start a lot of things and not finish them, although I think I'm improving in that regard!

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I'm very wary about it for myself. I could just about manage French but for anything else I'd want someone fluent to look it over for me.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Good Omens, back before the TV series came out! It was a pretty small fandom at that point, and I had to get my Aziraphale/Crowley angst out somewhere when I only knew like three people who'd read the book

20. Favorite fic you've ever written?

I'm really proud of my TAZNC work, but I think I'm still proudest of The Thing With Feathers because I feel like I did exactly what I wanted with it and captured everything I was hoping to.

#thanks for the tag!

[uglypastels]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Tagged by: @eddiemunsons80sbaby 💖💖

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

My main posting site is tumblr, on which I have 387 titles in my masterlists, (443 individual writing posts if seperating multi-chaptered stories).

Then i've reposted 40 of these titles on AO3 and 10 on Wattpad.*

*Counted since 2018

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

40 fics - 518,511 words total

3. What fandoms do you write for?

I've written for MCU (actors) and co, the Irregulars, Stranger Things and One Piece (live action).

4. What are your top 5 fics?

I'm going by individual posts, not accumulated interactions through series.

Following the Herd

"Wearing His T-Shirt" blurb

"Overcoming the Nerves" blurb

Heaven and Hell

The Special

5. Do you respond to comments?

I always try my best to reply as soon as possible wether its an ask, reblog or comment. (Excluding wattpad, as i see that more like people annotating their reading and generally don't want to bother them. But i do always read them and appreciate them, and if something stands out or if someone comments a lot i will respond)

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Ooh i once killed reader off dramatically lol ("Car Crash" blurb) but I think the general reader's concensus would be Caught Me Slippin' , which I didn't even intend to make that angsty, but people cried (allegedly). And honestly, while i apologise for the emotional damage, i do take it as the highest compliment to be able to evoke such feelings.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Most of my stories are quite happy and i'm not sure how to rate "happiness".

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I am actually surprised how scarce the hate is, and usually in the form of anons, because I always expect people to hate me. But thats on insecurities. Honestly, writing on here has always been amazing.

9. Do you write smut?

Yes. I hate it tho 😫 like, love smut in theory and concept but it's a bitch to write.

10. Do you write crossovers?

I love a lengthy and extended au, often inspired by other works (Not Wholly Evil is basically Stranger Things x Pirates of the Caribbean) but i think the only clear "crossover" i (remember to) have written would be Murder on the Dancefloor ??? which would be a tom holland x Strictly Come Dancing crossover lmao. I do often think about tv show crossovers in concept tho, but doubt i'll write any.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Yup. Shit sucks.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes, but it was done without my permission and uncredited (which is still stealing!!) so that sucks.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I've dabbled in co-writing, haha, several times avtually, but for one reason or another, none of the projects were ever published. Would love to one day actually fully co-write something with someone on here.

14. What's your all time favorite ship?

Ngl, i'm not sure I have one. Probably why all of my stories are 'x reader'.

15. What's a WIP that you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

At this point I think this about every single one of my WIPs and that's writer's block for ya.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Hmm...i'd like to think the expression of emotion, showing how characters feel. And maybe world building- or thats at least my favorite thing in AUs. Maybe also details (either motives, references or foreshadowing)

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I'm horrible at pacing. Always feel like i go too slow with the plot and then suddenly too fast and its all a mess, especially when it comes to series. Also just general knowledge on things; i feel like i don't know enough things to write about when it comez to daily and regular life, or even how to normally interact with people so that makes things hard when trying to be realistic. I also feel like i don't know enough words??? So things get really repetitive.

Oh, and this is also an aspect of writing- i'm horrible at getting feedback in the form of proofreading. It makes me physically sick having someone go through my work like that, and I barely do it myself. Which may result in some horrible typos/mistakes. And i do apologise profusely for that. Believe me, if you caught a mistake in my fic, i still think about it to this day.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in different languages?

Its always better if the writer is familiar with the language. Things you're comfortable with writing translate over better to the reader. It's like in movies/tv, its always better when you have an actor speaking a language they actually know. And if you don't know it, 1) ask yourself why are you writing it then and then 2) better research the hell out of it.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

My first fic, that has since been deleted for a long time, was on wattpad and it was for a youtuber lmao. (peak 2013/15 era, thats all i'm gonna say)

20. Favorite fic(s) you've written?

From my most recent, in no particular order:

Following the Herd (eddie munson)

The Special (Sanji)

Not Wholly Evil (Eddie Munson)

Biggest Fan (Buggy)

Headlights (Eddie Munson)

This was so much fun to do at 4/5 am haha. Thank you for the tag again. Here are some peeps i'll be tagging (no pressure) 💜

@mydearzero @spiderrrling @eddies-house @elvendria @josephfakingquinn

#long post #tag game #tagged #ask game #questions #writers on tumblr

[fuck-customers]

LONG

I want to scream. I feel like this is a lose-lose situation no matter what.

I have open availability. I am cross-trained in every department. I do not have my own car, so to get to work, I either need to get a ride or take the bus. If I take the bus, I need AT LEAST an hour's notice, probably more depending on the time, in order to be able to arrive at work on time. (I live in a semi small city-for example, in order to be at my work for a 10:00 shift, I need to get on one bus at 8:40, get off that one and take another at 8:50 and arrive at work at 9:30- or else I'll be late, these are the REAL times straight from the local transit station) On the off chance that I can get someone to give me a ride, I obviously need to give them a head's up. It's incredibly rude to ask someone at 5:00 to take me to work right now for my 5:00 shift. Plus the bus always arrives at my work at a half hour. So if they want me to be at work at 2:00? Have to arrive at 1:30. If they want me to come in at 3:30? I can't chance the bus running late, so I have to be there at 2:30 with fuckall to do for an hour.

I've explained all of this many, many, MANY times and have pointed out that I've NEVER not shown up for my shift nor have I been late or called out, etc. I prefer not to have morning shifts, but even when I am scheduled in the morning, I show up...begrudgingly, but I'm there. All I ask is to TAKE ADVANTAGE of the fact that I have OPEN AVAILABILITY and am CROSS-TRAINED THROUGHOUT THE E N T I R E STORE and fucking schedule me!! (Not to mention the other ways they've tried to take advantage of me, like leaving ALL work for me to do, despite having multiple coworkers available to do the work, and trying to make me train new hires, but not promoting me to management status - the only people who are actually SUPPOSED to train new employees)

Not to mention that the last 4 times I went in when they called me, I got there and my managers were like "oops actually we already called [coworker] so we don't need you here" and tried to send me home. Not to mention the times that I've arranged to stay late to cover a coworker's shift only to get an extra half hour and then be sent home or not even get extra hours at all vs. the full shift I agreed to because so-and-so actually DID show up.

And when they do call me in, I always ask how long and for what times/hours and I've gotten a straight answer MAAAYBE once. It's always something vague like "a few hours" "come in when you can" "until the rush calms down" NO!! I need a REAL answer in order to make transportation arrangements!!

It's been 3 years with multiple management changes of this shit. I've had it. I'm jumping ship ASAP, but unfortunately my living situation and my personal life is extremely complicated. I guess this is a slight AITA post, since I only thought about this because my mom berated me for not going in when they called me the other day. For the record, I didn't go in because they called me at 6:00. The store closes at 9:00, even if we stayed half an hour after closing (sometimes we do, sometimes we don't-can you tell that Green Fabric Hell doesn't schedule consistently?) I would AT MOST get 3 1/2 hours. But realistically more like 3 hours, since it takes about half an hour to get dressed and drive over there. That doesn't even cover the cost of gas, plus I don't even legally get a break.

The AITA part is, am I being unreasonable? I feel like I've paid my dues, since I spent the first 2 years at my job coming in EVERY time they asked and staying late every time they asked (as for staying late, I'd work a full shift, but I had no food for lunch obviously, since it wasn't planned- so I'd either have to go without eating for 8 hours or run to the Clown Burger a block away and run back on foot and I'd have maybe 10 minutes of my lunch left to myself to eat) and after all that for 3 years, I have nothing to show for it. They've never promoted me. I've never gotten a raise. I don't get overtime or any bonus for working extra hours that I wasn't scheduled for. (Overtime is only if you work over 8 hours in a row, which conveniently never happens)

The closest thing I've ever gotten to a thanks was this pin for employees who go above and beyond that I mistakenly thought also included a bonus or raise. No. It's literally just a metal pin to put on my nametag. That's it.

So I guess, AITA/am I being unreasonable? Or have I at least have a few good points?

[the-wintry-mizzenmast]

Twenty Questions for Fic Writers!

tagged by @bbcphile

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

69. NICE.

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

522,701

Smoke and Mirrors (Sephiroth/Cloud, drag queen canon divergence) has disproportionately contributed to this.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

I am sadly monofannish, so at the moment I am writing in Mysterious Lotus Casebook 蓮花樓. There are a few fandoms I have gone back to writing to, like Phoenix Wright/Ace Attorney when a new game comes out. I suspect I will dive back into Smoke and Mirrors once I am done with MLC and I play FF7 Rebirth.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Day Still Young (Wrightworth PWP)

Safe and Sound (ZoroLu PWP)

Storm Before the Calm (A Wrighworth piece I wrote for an exchange, I'm surprised it's this popular!)

Love and Longing (Wrightworth piece I wrote a long time ago)

Perennial Passions (Wrightworth PWP)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I do my best when I am able, but sometimes I don't always get around to it or I don't have the spoons. I apologize if you've left a comment and I haven't been able to respond. Thank you.

6. What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I smashed out Tarnished Silver (Sol/Ky, Guilty Gear, Major Character Death) in one evening because I was shocked that one of the audio dramas would have an AU that kills off a main char

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I mostly do one-shots or series that are comprised of one shots that take place in the same universe. Euphemistically, all of my smut has a happy ending.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Extremely rarely. And if I did, I would report and then delete.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

All the time. I think every time I get into a ship I write porn for them. My usual tags are Porn Without Plot and Porn With Feelings.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I am extremely proud of Born for the Fast Life, my Ace Attorney x Fast and Furious crossover. This might be the only multi-chaptered fic of any significant length I have ever finished in my life.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

A few over the years. Most recently, the entire Smoke and Mirrors series has been translated into Chinese.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I've done massive RPs before and collaborated on universes, but never a specific fic.

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

I am mono-fannish, so my favorite ship is always whoever is currently my ship, which is Di Feisheng/Li Lianhua. I suspect I will always love and have a soft spot for Zoro/Luffy from One Piece.

15. What's a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

Two Bodies (Baze/Chirrut, Rogue One). I had so much backstory for them in my head, but it'll never be done. I need to learn that I am fickle and easily distracted and thus not made for long novel-length projects.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Action/fight scenes, car chases, Porn with Feelings.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Finishing things I start.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I'm only fluent enough to do this in Chinese, and only for short bits of conversation. I've only done this once for 天涯海角 The Ends of the Earth

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Fushigi Yuugi, but it was all for myself and only two people on this earth have read it. First fandom I wrote and posted for? Weiss Kreuz. How's that for a throwback?

20. Favorite fic you've written?

I'm proudest of Smoke and Mirrors, mostly because the characters are so vivid, but also because of its length and the way it's been plotted, even though it's yet undone and I don't have an ending for it. I'd like to figure out where I'm going someday and finish it.

I'm shit at tagging people, so anybody who reads this, if you want to do it, please!

#my fanfiction

[fangeek-girl]

Fic Tag Game

Thank you @wibzenadarksiderwithasoftheart for the tag

How many works do you have on Ao3?

Works: 12 Fics: 11 One of my works is original fiction

2. What's your Ao3 word count?

242,814 (including 2 unfinished fics)

3. What fandoms do you write for?

At the moment Star Wars only, but when the mood strikes Roswell New Mexico as well.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Fix You (Star Wars, Obianidala)

Three Makes a Family (RNM, Malex)

One Love (RNM, Malex)

Halves of a Whole (Star Wars, Skywalker Dyad part 1)

Treacherous (RNM, Malexa)

5. Do you respond to comments?

When people actually comment, yes! I always feel my responses are superfluous, but I love when people take the time to comment.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Probably Last Kiss, considering it ends with Padmé's death...

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Three Makes a Family, but it's been in edits for over a year so nobody gets to see how wholesome it ends because I haven't been able to put myself back into the RNM writing mood 😭

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I did in the RNM fandom because some people can't handle polyamory.

9. Do you write smut? What kind?

Not much. I usually default to fluffy smut. The closest I've come to actual smut in published fics is Treacherous, and it's focused on their feelings rather than the action.

10. Do you write cross-overs?

I tend to stay in one fandom at a time when writing.

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope. And I'm not sure I'd like it. I would be too worried about whether they got the tone right.

12. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

Once, when I was in the TVD fandom, years ago. The other two cowriters just stopped participating after like 3 chapters and told me I could do whatever, then got mad at me for taking the whole thing down.

13. What WIP you would like to finish, but doubt you ever will?

Ouch. Three Makes a Family is technically written, just not edited. So it's kinda finished...? But I haven't fallen back into the RNM mood, and the shitshow that was s4 made it very hard.

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

Ships come and go with my special interests, so ask me every few months and the answer will be different. Right now, I'm leaning toward Obikin/Anidala equally.

15. What are your writing strengths?

Writing out feelings and lyrical prose. (What is this, an interview? 😅)

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

Continuity in a long arc. My brain goes too fast and gets stuck on subplots. Halfway through a long project I usually have to rethink my idea for the ending (if I even knew where I was going in the first place) because I strayed so far from the original plot lol

On the bright side I am slowly learning to actually outline my fics 😂

17. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

For real languages, it needs to be grammatically correct. I say this as a native French speaker who read way too many published novels where there's dialogue in French and it's absolutely awful.

For fandoms languages, have fun I guess! A translation in the notes or between parenthesis always helps tho.

18. First fandom you wrote for?

Either HP or Buffy, back when we posted on fanfiction.net. I read those fandoms a lot as a teen, but I can't remember if I wrote much back then.

19. Favourite fic you've ever written?

Treacherous maybe? I really love how it turned out.

20. What fic would you want to rewrite one day?

None. When I post a fic it's done in my head. If I start thinking about how it could be better, I'll never stop editing and rewriting it. And then no one would get to read it. My fics are by no means perfect, and there's always something bugging me about them when I reread them, but they represent my writing at that moment.

Tagging @bisexualalienss, @maeglinthebold, @burntblueberrywaffles, @palfriendpatine66 and @somethingsteff and anyone else who wants to do it. Feel free to ignore me 😉

#Fic Tag Game #my stuff #about me #tag game

[drac-onion]

Finished P5R

Bunch of words under the cut, honestly I'm just ranting. Figured I'd spare your timelines of a massive wall of text.

Real talk, though. I cried for like 2 hours. From 2/2 all the way to the end. I would cry for a little while, and then stop for a bit. Then I would get to a cutscene or something and the waterworks would start back up again.

Man, I just...6 years ago, I played the original Persona 5. I finished it on May 27th, 2017, a little over a month after it released. I'm kind of impressed as to how I was able to marathon the whole thing in a month while balancing college and work (although I didn't have a whole lot of time dedicated to either at the time, so whatever).

It took me nearly three years to get around to finishing Royal. I got it on launch on PS4, played it for two weeks solid, and then...sort of fell off. I blame quarantine and going a little hard in the paint on playing it every day since I had nothing else better to do, but that doesn't really matter. I was also dealing with quite a bit on my plate at the time. From my car dying (and it being entirely my fault), to losing my job, to...well, I'm not going to make this about that. I could, but I'd be here for ages if I went over everything that's happened in my life.

I just want to say how special this game is to me. The characters, the story, the music, everything just sticks with me. Even after all this time. Even after I dropped the game for three years and picked it back up on PC after transferring my save (worth the money I spent on getting my saves decrypted, if I'm honest), I never stopped loving it. I just...had some other stuff going on. Between Royal coming out and now, since I've finished it, so much has happened. It's wild to think about how much life can change in three years. Hell, how much life can change in the 6 and a half years since I finished the original. So much has happened.

Perhaps it's a little "cringe" to think so fondly of a piece of media like this (enough to shed tears). A piece of fiction. Something, at its very core, not real. Fake. Made up. But there is something about it that's real, and I can't even put it into words. But, you're just going to have to take my word for it. If you know, then you know. If that makes me cringe, then so be it. I think any piece of media can have a message, and I've always found the messages in the games I enjoy motivating. "Time never waits, so find your own meaning to life's struggle, with your heart as your guide", "Be true to yourself, no matter how painful it may be", "Stick to your values, no matter how tough things are, and change the world for the better in your own way", "Once you're at rock bottom, the only way to go is up". I wish I could apply some of these messages in my own life. I suppose the only thing stopping me is me, right? That's how that works.

God, I can feel myself wanting to cry again, but I just don't have any more tears. I think this was the emotional release I've been looking for during the last couple months. Things aren't so good for me right now, and they're about to get a lot worse now that the holidays are coming up. I...don't like this time of year, to put it simply. This will likely come up in my writing in one form or another. (Write what you know, I guess?)

Anyway, I had more stuff I wrote here, but I got waaaaaayyyy off track and into some personal places, so I'll stop myself here.

Persona, as a series, has always been so special to me. I hope that the series continues to grow in the best possible way. Can't wait to cry like a bitch when I eventually finish Persona 3 Reload!

Aaaaahhh...yeah, that one is gonna be rough, even when I know it's coming. Yep.

Well...all that said...my journey with The Phantom Thieves of Hearts isn't over quite yet...I get to ride out yet another journey with these guys...not to mention P5T coming out in around a month. I'm glad to be able to spend more time with these characters. Now, then...

#persona 5 #persona 5 royal #rambles

[lollytea]

4.) I'll never get over how much thought and care you've put into making Shagheera not just passable, but fantastic. Like you went from complaining about there being no good Shagheera fics in 2020 to being responsible for a bunch of Shagheera content in 2021. Magnificent. Hyperfixated Queen.

5.) It feels like a crime that I haven't read your Huntlow fics yet, I swear I'll fix what the moment I am able.

6.) The ending of A Little Change Chapter 21 is always gonna stick with me as like. Such a vibe. It paints the entire fic's vibes to me tbh. I think it's why it took me so long to really get into illustrating that moment. It just sticks. In a good way.

7.) Not entirely a fic (yet?) but I wasn't lying when I said the bit you wrote about Ty making peace with his bisexuality actually made me cry. Again why I was just so eager to illustrate it.

8.) PERSONALITY!!!! Oh my gods, like, your fics have SUCH personality. Whether it be through dialogue or narration or even dramatic irony, there's just like. So MUCH in your fics. So much you. And I love you. And so I love your writing ejhfkgjs. There are scenes I so desperately want to animate because the dialogues you write just FEEL like they have such good motion to them!!

12.) I... I re-read Penniless Promises and Undocumented Events so often it's almost embarrassing QwQ;;;

14.) I was extremely fresh off of catching up to the Owl House when I read Exercise in Understanding, so I wasn't expecting it to hit me as hard as it did (sometimes something has to sink in first before it can mean so much) but it DID and I'm so glad it did.

15.) I love hearing you talk about your writing process - Since Swindle is as much a visual piece as it is a written one, how much do you visualize as you're writing the script? You give so me many directions that I can't consider there's nothing happening, but I'm curious about just how much you write with visuals in mind!

I looooooooooooove youuuuuuuu 💕

4.) My Shagheera. My beloved. My beloathed. They are good for my mental health. They make it a billion times worse. Miserable horrible old kitty men that drive me fucking ballistic. Shagheera will ways be there for me to focus on if I run out of other hyperfixations. Who would I BE if I didn't have them?

5.) If it helps I can summarise my huntlow fics for you so it feels like you've read them. Okay so I've written two big ones. Sunshine and Atlas. In Sunshine, Hunter and Willow take turns having mental breakdowns while sitting in Willow's backyard. In Atlas, Hunter and Willow take turns having mental breakdowns but with a twist! They're in Luz's house this time!

Actually you need to read them to understand what I'm currently about. It's like me taking you by the hand and explaining my current brainrot step by step. I consider Sunshine to be like. My huntlow essay. Like how I made a shagheera essay to pitch why its Good, I actually made this essay into a fic. It is still entirely a pitch. Tryna get people on board with my agenda.

6.) It's been SO FUCKING LONG that I was wracking my brain trying to remember what in God's name happened in chapter 21. I had to check. I remember knowing that entire fic off by heart back then. Like if you dropped a chapter number, I'd immediately know what that chapter was about. Now it's all just a blur. A Little Change is nowhere close to my pride and joy anymore that I'm glad it's just a blur.

But ya okay 19 year old me really snapped with chapter 21. Can't believe she wrote that. I'm proud of her. Silly and cringy as it was I'm glad she had fun. Glad other people had fun too.

7.) *bonks my little OC on the head* this bad boy can fit so much of the bisexual experience in it*

8.) This is why I can only write anything once every thirty years or so. I put all my personality into it and then I am left without a personality for ten to twelve business days. Just a husk. But people are getting a giggle out of my silly little stories so who's the real winner here.

But God do I love making fics that are alive. Its like making my own little frankensteins monster. If its not breathing, I'm never satisfied.

12.) I appreciate that you reas Undocumented Events so much because that's my BABY. It's everything to me. I have no idea when I'm ever gonna touch it again but I love what it currently is. And nobody else reads it so LIKE. Thank you for keeping it in your memory.

I have no special attachment to Penniless Promises so it doesn't bother me that nobody ever reads it. But I'm always like "at least Artsy that wild son of a gun is having fun and milking it for everything it's worth." That's what it's all about.

14.) Excercise in Understanding how I love that little guy. Constant reminder that has me like "Look at me!! Writing short things!!! Look what I'm capable of!!!" Delighted that one of the first owl house fics was Hunter being gross and Darius being disgusted. What an excellent place to start.

15.) I visualise facial expressions and gestures and non vocal character interactions. I'm really bad at like painting pictures in my head of backgrounds and layouts and whatever but I'm always character oriented. I think there's a lot of writing between the lines when it comes to the little details of smiles and troubled looks and comfortable touching and flinching so my brain really zeros in on how they would look. But when it comes to whatever in God's name is going on around them. Settings and shit? Brain empty.

Thank you!!! You are my friend!!! I love you!!!!!