#and how badly i hope you feel loved

[napping-sapphic]

i love sapphic people so much we’re all so beautiful and deserve so much love i love you i love you i love you

#hiiii! #it is emotion time for me #listened to some of my favorite songs after midnight #im very emotional #i love you so much #i hate how many people interact with this blog #because i want to grab your faces and tell you how much i hope you’re happy #and how badly i hope you feel loved #i hope you read my posts and feel the love in them #it’s for you #i wrapped it up in all my silly little words and hit post l #and now i just get to live hoping someone could feel it #because i desperately hope they do #because you’re just like me and im just like you and we both deserve SO much from this world #@ future me u can delete this but i hope you’re still this in love with the world when u do #@ people who read all these tags srry it’s late and im having a cry sesh and a lot of emotions #pls ignore me

[boag]

I mentioned this briefly yesterday but basically my mom lost her little purse while walking the dogs and we’ve looked everywhere in our neighborhood and someone definitely took it bc it’s nowhere to be found. We have no way to track the location of anything in it bc she still has her phone, but the purse contained literally everything else we had. All of our money and all of my mom’s cards and important items were in it and now we have absolutely nothing. So if anyone could help us out so we can pay for food and bills and stuff while we sort this out it would really be SO appreciated like we’re just completely screwed rn 😭 Anything any of you could spare would really help us so much like we’re currently just penniless with no backup plan or anything and we used the rest of the little food we had to make dinner tonight and now we have nothing left

My Cashapp, PayPal, and Venmo are all karmabauer

#I hate that I keep having to do this but yeah we rlly need the help rn #and I’m currently busy with therapy and everything bc I finally got mental health treatment again #after struggling to get into any programs for so long #and my therapist and case worker both want me to get myself to a point where I’m much more mentally stable #before they help me get back in the workforce #which I agree with them on bc the last few jobs I’ve had have ended rlly badly bc of how badly I was doing mentally #but it’s rlly stressful that I haven’t been able to get a new source of income for so long #I’m making a lot of progress tho so soon I’ll def be able to be more self sufficient #and idk I just rlly appreciate those of you who’ve helped me during this time #and anyone who may decide to help now #love y’all sm genuinely 😭 u guys are really so kind and make me feel so much hope idk :’) 💖

[yuri-is-online]

YOOO YOU'RE AUTISTIC TO? FUCK YEAH!

Honestly seeing people put their scores in the tags of that Raads post has been wild because yeah. I'm autistic and it's weird having a little community of people who are also autistic following my stuff. I don't know how I feel about it because I have a lot of complicated feelings around my diagnosis and I don't want to project that onto other people.

c: but it is so very nice to know I'm not alone.

#<3 asks #speaking with a friend #honestly it makes me struggle with my writing so much because i just #don't know how normal people talk #i want to so badly though #i want people to hear their voice in my words and not let my own inability to speak silence them #because i know what that feels like very well and it isn't a feeling i wish on anyone #i hope all of you who might have had a realization about themselves recently or otherwise knows you aren't broken though #that's not what autism means #you are no less worthy of love acceptance and a voice because of a spectrum you may or may not have found yourself on #and if you aren't autistic please don't wish you were #it's not fun sometimes #... a lot of times for me anyway #that's all for my essay in the tags sorry

[frecklystars]

THE LOVES OF MY LIFE OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!! 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 it's been so long since I've rly felt love bursting in my chest for any F/Os and I am feeling so so so so much for my girlboss girlfriend and my horsegirl boyfriend 😭😭😭💖💞💓💓💗💖💕💕💕💟💝

Her smile!!! god!!!! HIS smile!!!! god!!! these two are fucking saving my life I can't believe how much these characters are helping me get through the worst time of my life. THESE TWO are helping me get back into self shipping and helping me feel safe again when I really thought I'd never ever recover. I'm collecting screenshots of these characters and sighing with hearts in my eyes every time... I haven't done that in over a year... I'm making gifsets and writing fics and doodling again... it's all because of them and I'm such a weepy mess over it

#love notes #💕♫♪ ♡ You're the pink in my cheeks 🎀🌸✨♡ #💕 I'll fight for you!! - ̗̀🐎🏖️✨ ̖́- #every time i make a love notes post with them i get teary eyed and um this isnt an exception 😭😭 #theyre making me so happy and i havent felt this way in so long #im fucking happy you guys... god i havent felt. joy. with any F/Os in so so so so long!!!!! #self shipping is like. the core part of me. its all i've got and i went so long without it. that piece of me I NEED #fuck i finally found two F/Os who i know love me no matter what #and they're holding my hands telling me they'll never ever hurt me. wouldnt dream it. couldnt even fathom it #and slowly but surely i HOPE i will get back into self shipping just in general especially for transformers #but god. god!!!! god!!! i owe them my life!!!! #i couldnt fucking take it anymore i was falling so far and they!!!! are here!!!! in my heart!!!! #i was doing so fucking badly i was about to give up and they just. this movie comes out and im suddenly hopeful?? #pinkest movie of all time barbie rly said keri fuck your ptsd fuck your abuser youre getting better #and youll love pink again and youre gonna be okay and im like yes maam whatever u say maam #god 😭😭 sorry i know i talk abt them a lot but its been so long #and i know i keep repeating! that its been so long! i know i dont shut up about how im hurting! but! #i cant! describe how overwhelmed i feel! its like a part of me that was dead for a year is slowly coming back to life #and the fucking relief... i am just awash with tears

[simcardiac-arrested]

im a bit catastrophic autism level about characters having missing memories that they cant reach but know are meant to be there, i have a dnd character in a really similar situation!! i just love the feelings of frustration and horror... which memories and thoughts can you even trust? if memories can be removed can they be added?? what do you really know??? its the best for real poor ns

I KNOWWWW I FUCKING LOVE THAT CONCEPT SO MUCH!!!!! just that feeling of something being out of your reach. something you Know but can’t Remember. i love how i put it: like walking into a mall in the middle of the weekend and seeing that it’s empty. because you know it should be full of people. you know what should be there. but there’s nothing. no matter how much you look, there’s nothing, there’s nobody. it’s frustrating and horrifying and and (explodes in autism)

#YOU. ME. SHAKING HANDS #SERIOUSLY LOVE THE CONCEPT SO BADLY #i really wanted that specific feeling of being so traumatized by something. but you cant fully remember what it is #you Know something awful has happened to you. you have a sort of vague idea of what it might be. you even have a suspicion of who might’ve #done it because when you look at them you feel . bad. because the body remembers #but you can’t fully remember what exactly happened or why or who did it. all you have are those weird fleeting moments that you can’t fully #make sense of. puzzle pieces that don’t quite fit #i thought it might be interesting for an iterator considering they are both organic *and* a machine! logically if they were just a fully #inorganic machine then they wouldn’t be able to tell that something has even happened. they’d just be repogrammed and forget and that’s it. #but i really wanted to consider that aspect of the *body* remembering. of iterators being semi-organic. How would that entire removing #memories process feel when you’re still aware and conscious and *alive*? do u get what im saying #it’s just aughhh so interesting to me. i rly hope i’ve been portraying it well #cramswering

[vizthedatum]

I do think forgiveness (self and for others) should be one of the goals in all this.

But I have a right to ride the wave of feeling all my emotions in order to get there.

It’s not just a right… it’s a rite of passage.

In order to truly embody forgiveness, you have to literally practice being embodied.

And codependency, dissociation, and not feeling your feelings… is not embodiment.

Regulate by being the unhinged human you are.

Regulate and fucking feel - don’t just absorb and take other people’s issues just because you can hold it! Of course you can hold it! You’re a fucking empath!

Regulate and feel who you are… and all that’s been done to you, for you, by you.

Feel it… so one day, you can love it.

#healing #healing journey #trauma #neurodivergence #self love #forgiveness #I am currently angry #and repulsed at my own codependency #fuck you for taking advantage of me #I hope you see how much healthier I look and realize how badly you treated me #I am petty #I am upset #I have a right to be upset #being upset doesn’t mean I’m stuck in a victim mentality #anger #heartbreak #talking to myself #feeling #feelings #regulation #dysregulation #prose

[rosicheeks]

🤦🏽‍♀️🙃

#I can’t stop thinking about it #I keep replaying the morning over and over in my head #my friend said she thinks I should write a letter or text tell them #and I’m thinking about it #the more I’m processing it and it’s kinda sinking in #the more angry and offended and hurt I am #idk I know super vague post #and since you guys keep saying you like my crazy dumb Rosie rant posts maybe I’ll do one telling you guys what happened #I’m just still so fucking mad? #and she has NO idea how badly she fucked me up #she’s texting me like nothing happened and I’m like ???? ok sorry but I can’t just move on from this #anyway fun fact and update about me and my life #I’m looking into a php 👌 #partial hospitalization program #if you didn’t know what I was talking about #so that’s suuuuper duper fun (hope you can feel my sarcasm) #but at this point in my life I feel like I need it #not gonna get into that right now cause ooofda one thing at a time #but this whole situation reallyyyyy set me back in my progress and healing so thanks buddy 👌👌👌 #you are lucky I love your dog so fucking much otherwise I probably would never talk to you again #shut up rosie

[kitsunegdx]

Pretty people

Thinking bout… pretty people. Just pretty, you know?

Pretty people I’ve dated and their scars and little quirks.

Pretty people I’m friends with who got smiles and voices that brighten my day.

Pretty people who got big friends groups to form a functional human being and look out for each other.

Pretty people who live in my head rent free metaphorically and literally.

I am also thinking of pretty people who just know how to appreciate small things in life to help make the world a lil happier for themselves. I don’t think they know that makes them extra pretty.

Pretty people who got eyes and don’t have eyes. Any color even it brings them all together

Pretty people who’s minds are perceiving the horrors while they act like it’s normal. Those pretty people are more common than you think.

Pretty people who got little features that culminate to make them whole be it stuff they can control like how they style their hair, to stuff they can’t, like having an extra finger.

Pretty people who aren’t people at all. Those are in my head too.

Pretty people can come in many different forms be it size, shape, voices, from a stranger on a subway to even text on a screen.

Pretty people are all around us, it’s a matter of taking in the small stuff that makes them whole.

Why are people so pretty?

Why are you so pretty?

#uh oh kit’s in love with all her friends at once again #I’m just- *sigh* it’s hard thinking about the homies and wondering if they appreciate themselves the way I see them #I have vagued a few but… man why are people so pretty? #I want to just hold them and wonder about it… #might pin this #so all my friends and mutuals can see #to ramble a bit I have friends with burn scars on their body that I find pretty- ex lovers now friends who feel not enough #in the bodies they have but it’s like- bro I just think you are so pretty I want to accent that natural beauty you have #man I wanna help my friends feel pretty in their body but alas I’m a college student #don’t tell one of them but I’m hoping that when I get my career that I can put money to the side to help her get the presentation of gender #that she wants like- I just wanna help them so much bro to see that I am out here with a heart full of love and pockets I’m working on fill- #ing to help them figure out how pretty they are #*sigh* this probably doesn’t make sense but I just think they are so pretty like- all of them #even my mutuals be pretty too with words n just hanging around like- I fucking see you bro #i’m in my feels #I’m feelin this bro #I want to like- so badly hold and hug them all like- even if you don’t like hugs I will stand to the side and give you the most approving #thumbs up I can because I fuckin love them bro they are my homies they have been with me through #thicc and thin and thick again like- AAAA #I just really love them they are my besties and like I wanna sob maybe cry a little over how much I love the #them they are just so much good people and I care for them a lot #this post doesn’t make a lot of sense but they are so good #Also pretty is the only word I can use to describe people and it means so much when I use it #it isn’t just that they are pretty they bring me joy beyond belief and I wanna cry

[thesunoosshining]

shout out is like. The Best Friends Song Ever to me. THAT SOUNDS NOT THE WAY I WANT IT TO BUT LIKE ?? idk how to explain it. but it reminds me of my friends SO badly. just like. us yelling and laughing maniacally over nothing and yelling about k-pop idols and playing those like "pick one drop one" k-pop games on youtube. maybe this is too specific but like ??? i just had to share this info with y'all !

#⭐️; star talks #ok maybe. i just love my friends #ramble about them incoming #but i just love them so badly i've never met people i feel so comfy around #and we disagree and shit sure but we've never had Big Fights that we didn't resolve #i can talk abt anything with them. i can be super cringe and unmasked adhd moment and like #they still love me !! and i love them ! even when they do dumb things #i just love them so badly. i can actually Be Myself w them for real? #idk how to explain it like my old friend group? yeah i loved them but honestly some of them always had me like “ugh” bc they were like #clearly homophobic or just talked about people weirdly #BUT?? MY CURRENT FRIENDS?? oh i love them so bad #enough that i literally made my smau ocs based off them. and i showed my irl best friend my riki smau #and told another one of them about the smau. but tbh she didnt rlly get it el oh el (shes not chronically online like i am) #BUT LIKE? filters dont exist im genuinely so comfortable around these girls #will i show them this? no but i hope they know bc i do voice my affection for them enough 🫶 and hopefully thru my actions #my girls fr! i love them #anyways if u actually read all that ty for reading 😭 if u dont have that group of friends you feel That Way towards. keep holding on bc #i never thought i'd have these girls either. but i do! #your people are out there somewhere 🫶

[hollysbooknook]

ohhhh i started reading loveless and i’m only 23 pages in but jesus christ it’s already so relatable. this is kind of comforting and kind of scary

#i’m v curious to see how i’m feeling by the end of this book #i’ve wondered before whether i’m aro as well as ace #but i’ve never actually identified as aroace #partly because it scares me because i want romantic love so badly #i think i romanticise the idea of romance #so you see why i’m relating to georgia already #i’m assuming by the end of the book she finds peace with all this stuff #which would hopefully help me also make peace with it #but right now i’m just hoping it doesn’t make me think i’m aroace💀 #so we’ll see how this goes #loveless #alice oseman #loveless alice oseman

[pepprs]

i wish i’d kept pushing the point (<- vagueposting). im so tired i’m hitting a wall. but why is the answer to feeling bottomlessly lonely just to love myself and be loved by myself? isn’t that only more loneliness?

#purrs #i know being by myself is not aloneness. but like seriously are you actually serious that there is no one coming to save me? that I have to #walk around with this giant gaping wound forever and no one will be able yo close it? i need total nurturance and comfort badly and to have #any less than total is.. well i don’t want to say it’s as bad as having none at all because obviously it’s not true. but it’s still bad. it #makes it harder to ask for more when you already have some and have reached the limit of what you can ask for. i just feel bottomlessly #lonely. i know things will get better. but what i really need is a long hug and a good cry in someone’s arms. not isolating myself in a #cabin for a week (though i know i desperately need that too). like we’re human beings and we can do that for each other so why don’t we? why #can’t we fix each other? why can’t we be nurturing like that and fill the voids for people who have them. and i know it’s rich coming from m #me bc iam skittish like a horse around emotions and also that it’s pitifully expected from me bc i am reading too much into normal experien #nces most people have. but how am i supposed to just accept that i didn’t get the love i needed (even if im romanticizing m*therlove lmao) a #and then move on as if that’s fine? how can i just snap my fingers and be an autonomous adult when ive spent years accruing psychological #damage with the most limited kind of cushioning? when every second brings with it a potential jab to my River of Pain nerve? idk. #i was deeply violently depressed abt this stuff earlier this week but tonight im just quietly sad. i want the stability and certainty of #(unconditional) love. i want my whole future safe and warm and now or at least the ability to trust it will exist which is also called hope. #i don’t want to be alone and wretched anymore.

[frecklystars]

He is so handsome!!!! He is so handsome!!!!! My sweet boy!!!!!! 🥺🥺🥺🥺 My Ken is so handsome and for WHAT!!!!!! To give me a heart attack???? god!!!!!! look at his smile!!! he is everything to me!!!! I'd be holding his hand the entire time, telling him how beautiful he is... I'd give him a tour of every city if it meant I could look at my boyfriend's smile all damn day and know it's all for me 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺💞💓💖💖💗💓💞💕💕💟💝💞

#TO BE SO CLEAR: I AM TALKING ABOUT THE CHARACTER #don't get me wrong. the actor is handsome. i will scream to the heavens how hot ryan is #but just to clarify i would not point at a real life celebrity and call him my boyfriend sdljfsdfdf #well maybe i would but in a joking way. you know what i mean. anyway #love notes #ken #💕 I'll fight for you!! - ̗̀🐎🏖️✨ ̖́- #THE THIRD ONE. OH GOD #i want him to look at me that way. SO fondly. SO softly #THE FIRST ONE GOD FUCKING DAMN IT #thats such a good full body reference for this costume. outfit? costume? outfit #it's probably my favorite outfit he wears. if i had to pick one #i love all of them so dearly but something about this one makes me feral #like just something about it. i gotta have him i NEED him so badly #second favorite is his outfit he wears when he's playing the guitar for barbie #he's so hot!!! in everything!!! i also love his sailor outfit i think he looks so cute in white pants #and the clothes he wears when he accepts his nobel prize in horses... hooo #god i wanna kiss him so so so soooo badddd #i hope he would wanna kiss me too 😭 im still a little shaky on feeling loved by f/os after what happened to me #but i wanna imagine he'd still love me. i'd do anything for it ;_; #i'll be anything he wants me to be if i can just be worthy #in the future i wont question if im worthy of love anymore. but god damn for a while im gonna be hurting a little bit #i love him so so so much and most of the time i feel like he loves me too ;_; i rly rly hope he does #i miss him. ughh god fuck #gotta go see this movie again... i saw it yesterday but that was YESTERDAY #need to see it my next day off. it's still thankfully playing in theaters

[inmirova]

giggling and twirling my hair and kicking my feet in the air while telling my therapist that I cried in the grocery store because they didn't have the matzah that I like

#did not realize how badly i needed someone who understands what arfid is to talk to until recently #still thinking abt the fact that someone who claims to have arfid accused me of having ana a few months ago on account of... #avoiding certain foods and having a restricted intake which is definitely not what avoidant restrictive food intake disorder is. apparently #damn it's so crazy that i have no body image issues and take medication to induce appetite that sure sounds like ana to me 😒 #wow my problems with food stem from a fear of aversive consequences due to my allergies and some past medical trauma #as well as sensory issues and low appetite? #huh that sure sounds like im doing it on purpose and also want to give my loved ones food issues (was actually accused of this) #anyway i love you to people who either know what theyre talking about and/or are willing to listen to lived experiences #and i hope people who lie about having an illness just to make other people feel bad stub their toes repeatedly today!