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airgetlamhh · 4 years

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Thoughts on Lostbelt 2

Longpost ahead.

So.

Lostbelt 2. Finally played it after so long, and this will contain spoilers.

To make sure everyone knows what they’re getting into, I’ll give the thesis statement right here: Lostbelt 2 is bad.

The entire time I played through the story, I kept waiting for it to pick up. I kept waiting for it to shrug off the poor pacing, the deus ex machinas, the random things just happening for the convenience of the plot. I kept waiting for it to shrug off the poor characterization, the constant telling instead of showing, the moral myopia. It never did.

From nearly the very start to finish, Lostbelt 2 is bad.

We start off fairly fine! A desperate ploy to sneak through the Lostbelt to meet up with the allies we’ve learned about, the Wandering Sea, interrupted by a Lostbelt Servant attacking us with the intent of stealing the Paper Moon that allows us to perform Zero Sails. All of that is a decent setup!

And then we’re told how strong this Saber is. How incredible they are. How their swordplay surpasses anything else they’ve ever seen, how they desperately wish that Musashi was there, how no no, he didn’t use his sword, he only parried! Things that Sherlock Holmes observes, not Mashu, not the one who’s actually been fighting for two years now, so Mashu seems borderline useless. Holmes figures out it’s Sigurd because...he uses a sword in a Scandinavian Lostbelt, and he figured out that Holmes used magic because Holmes fire magic lasers at him. From this, Holmes is able to pinpoint Sigurd’s identity, and that’s just the setup for the rest of the chapter, really.

To be specific, what I mean is that we will constantly be told how incredible someone is with very little evidence, and the plot will bend and warp to make certain things happen.

The scene does exactly one good thing, which is the foreshadowing of Surtr. Coming into it knowing that aspect allowed me to appreciate little bits like Surtr talking about Heroic Spirits like he wasn’t one, and Surtr not being able to kill Mashu because Sigurd resisted it. But that’s about all that was good in the scene, and all it really does is set up a consistent thing of Surtr being one of the only good parts - until he isn’t, of course.

I’m going to shift here from specifics to characters, because otherwise I’d be rehashing the entire story and I don’t have the time or effort required for that. That being said, it is difficult to decide where to start, so I’ll go right to the very building blocks of the story, the themes.

Lostbelt 2 is, very obviously, attempting to have a theme of different kinds of love throughout the story. Part of this is because it’s very much set up like an otome game that the author Hikaru Sakurai would write, with Ophelia in the center, but it’s a more general theme too, with Skadi and the others all building up towards it. Now, love is an absolutely wonderful thing to build your themes around, exploring and examining it can be great for stories. Beasts themselves do that, examining different varieties of genuine, but toxic love that allow them to be well-meaning monsters.

The problem is that Lostbelt 2 does not engage with these themes on anything but a surface level. Skadi represents maternal love, so she constantly talks about how everyone is her children and how she’s their mother. No examination of the desire to see her children grow, the pain she feels when they fight, the struggle of forcing herself to cling so tightly knowing that it’s suffocating them and going to kill them before they reach 26.

Napoleon represents passionate love, so he flirts with every woman he sees. No examination of why he’s so passionate or what drives him to burn so brightly, beyond a token mention that for some reason when he’s summoned he’s driven to seek out a lover, another aspect of things happening to serve the plot.

Sigurd and Brynhildr represent true, romantic love, so they act mushy the entire chapter from the moment the real Sigurd appears. Now, don’t get me wrong, I liked their scenes a lot and I’m happy that they chose that portrayal instead of the one I was afraid of where it was yandere jokes day in day out. But there’s no engagement with the fundamentals of their love, nothing that tests it, even the existing complications with Brynhildr’s tragic summoning are swept away with a single line of “I can resist them better now maybe because my saint graph is broken”, so ultimately there’s no conflict whatsoever. And sure, that’s nice, but it’s not very good if you’re trying to build your story around a theme of love.

Next, Surtr, who represents obsessive, dangerous love. I honestly actually think Surtr’s done well, even if the love he happens to represent is the least positive one. Surtr is capable of only one thing, destruction, and when he fell for Ophelia in that moment where she saw him and he saw her, he decided that if he ever had the chance, he would repay her the only way he knew how: allowing her to watch as he destroyed everything. When he’s summoned, he acts basically like the possessive one in an otome game, constantly talking about how Ophelia is his woman, getting angry when Napoleon flirts with her, spending most of his time pushing things between them as far as they can go etc. etc. I’m not particularly a fan of how his desire to repay Ophelia battling against his singular purpose transformed him into a typical possessive bastard boyfriend, but it’s at least engaged with on a deeper level.

Finally, Ophelia. She’s the otome game protagonist here, born into an controlling family and finally freed, hiding a secret special power, beloved by almost all the men involved in the chapter while she’s harboring feelings for someone else, even has the typical friendship route with Mashu going on. Her love is a love that she doesn’t acknowledge, but that’s all it is. It’s never engaged with beyond the fact that she clearly loves Kirschtaria but insists she doesn’t, and her final scene as she dies is Mashu telling her that yes, she did love Kirschtaria. That’s all.

For a theme of love that’s supposedly woven into the Lostbelt, it’s barely examined at all. It’s not well written, and in comparison to Lostbelt 1′s theme of what it means to live in a world where the strong devour the weak and how deeply it examined and engaged with that, it’s a genuine disappointment.

Now, to move onto the plot, it’s...in the abstract, it’s fine. Chaldea is intercepted and forced to fight in the Lostbelt and ends up dragged into the overarching ploy by Surtr to release himself and burn everything. That’s a perfectly fine story, but the problem is that when you get to the moment-to-moment stuff, it falls apart completely.

Skadi is constantly talked up as this incredibly powerful true goddess, not merely a Divine Spirit, and we know she can see and hear our every move because of her snow. How does the story work around this borderline omniscience within her Lostbelt? Skadi just decides not to do anything about Chaldea with zero rhyme or reason. We need to sneak into the palace and avoid alerting the guards, except Skadi already knows exactly where we are, except that doesn’t matter because we need to sneak in for some reason. We get captured with no plan to escape, and it just so happens that not only was Skadi keeping a Divine Spirit amalgamation locked in the dungeons too, but that she can piggyback on you making a contract with Napoleon (pure dumb luck you hadn’t done it before) and force a connection with you too, and then cast spells to hide you while you escape. Skadi knows we’re trying to free Brynhildr, who is the sole threat to Sigurd and Skadi’s own Valkyries in the entire Lostbelt? She just decides to do nothing at all.

So much of the plot happens because either Skadi makes terrible decisions to do nothing, even though she knows Chaldea is there to destroy her entire world, or it happens because random shit goes on that couldn’t have been planned for like Sitonai. Shit like Surtr suddenly becoming Fafnir and being able to use the Evil Dragon Phenomenon to brainwash Ophelia somehow, like Ophelia’s Mystic Eye being able to do anything the plot demands, even when it explicitly goes against its existing capabilities like rewinding time on Sigurd’s wounds, like Bryn and Surtr somehow being able to resist the effects of her eye with no buildup or explanation. It’s poorly written in terms of the exact events that happen, and that all culminates in Skadi’s one cool moment, where she declares she’s going to kill the seven billion we fight for for the sake of her ten thousand...and then right after, it reveals that Skadi was going easy on us and refused to use her runes of instant death for no reason even though she was fighting for the survival of her entire world. The moment to moment plot is not good, and neither is what comes next, the worldbuilding.

In Skadi’s Lostbelt, half the world is covered in Surtr’s flames, while the other half is blanketed in Skadi’s snow. Where the two areas meet are the only places where life can grow, and so Skadi set up villages there. Unfortunately, there isn’t enough food for everyone, so she enforces strict population control: if you are not the mother or father of a child by 15, you are sent away to be killed by the giants. If you are the mother or father of a child, you are sent away to be killed at 25 instead. Through this tragic method, Skadi enforces a limit of 100 villages with 100 people, a total population of 10000. This is all fine.

But take a closer look at what we actually see, and this falls apart. First, the giants. The giants are immortal and never need to eat. They do nothing but sleep all day and attack any human that comes close to them. Later, it’s revealed that they’ll attack any heat source including Valkyries, except we know that’s not true. Giants never attack each other, they never attack and destroy any of the plant life around them, they never attack the Lostbelt tree seeds, they even fight alongside mass-produced Valkyries before it’s revealed that Skadi and the three originals can mind-control them! They exist only to destroy, but Skadi can control them with her masks and indeed uses them as labour, keeping them chained up in her castle to be brought out and controlled as needed, or using them to guard Brynhildr’s castle.

Worst of all, the first time we meet anyone in the chapter, it’s Gerda, who is sneaking out of her village to go to the massive liveable area close to Village 23. This area happens to be the only place she can go to get medicinal herbs that she needs or one of the people in her village will die in childbirth. This area is also full of giants, who have not destroyed it despite being fertile and full of life and heat, and who are allowed to take this place that could be used to grow more food for humans who need it, and simply stay there doing nothing.

Now, this is where I thought the game would engage with things. How Skadi, in professing her love for all her children, is actually being cruel and unfair. They certainly set it up in the conversations she has, where she casually mentions how humans must die for her coexistence to continue. Skadi chooses to keep the giants alive despite the fact that they are all braindead and can do nothing but kill and destroy the moment their masks are removed. She chooses to keep them alive even though it comes at the expense of the humans who must die when the giants never make that same sacrifice. She chooses to allow them fertile land even though they cannot farm nor do they need food, and in doing so deprive the humans of potentially living longer, having more supplies to do so. She makes these strange choices and then later reveals she can control the giants to do her bidding, and it all seems to fall into place.

What we see from how she’s characterized early on is that the system is unfair and Skadi is unwilling to change, because it benefits her tremendously. Gerda’s village didn’t have enough herbs to save the children forced to breed by 15, and despite Skadi’s omniscience letting her know that Gerda had snuck out and was trying to save a life, she did nothing. There was no system in place to beg a Valkyrie to get these herbs, and no indication whatsoever that Skadi would use her powers to control the giants to save Gerda’s life. The picture painted is someone who cares about humanity not out of true care, but simply out of obligation. Those who disobey her rules, even for good reasons, are left to die by the engines of destruction she keeps alive.

That’s not the story it tells later on, though. Skadi, portrayed from the start as this all-powerful goddess with complete control over everything, is revealed to be far weaker than we thought, and far less monstrous. Ignore all the times she did control the giants, she actually can’t do it all that well. Ignore all the times she declared she would not allow anyone she loved to be killed, but chose not to act to tell her Valkyries or her giants or anything else to save either Chaldea or Gerda. Ignore the evidence we see on screen that there’s more land that’s simply taken over by the giants, Skadi can only make those initial 100 villages and can’t make any more. Skadi is not bad. Skadi did the best she could. Skadi is morally right.

Please love Skadi, there’s no complicated moral quandary here, she’s just Good.

Comparisons to Lostbelt 1 are impossible to avoid. Both have the same basic cause, a calamity that was impossible to predict and impossible to avert. The stagnation that dooms a Lostbelt created by the kings in question in their desperation to survive. Ivan turned humanity into the Yaga and created a world of strength, where progress is impossible because everyone in his new world was too busy devouring each other to work together. Skadi created a world of weakness, where progress is impossible because she limited the population to avoid everyone dying out. There is, however, one crucial difference between the two. Not in terms of story, not in terms of characters, not in terms of themes.

“Your existence itself has already become a grave sin.”

That one line, spoken to Ivan, is the biggest difference between how the story engages things. In both Lostbelts, Ivan and Skadi did horrible things and made horrible choices because they had to, for the sake of survival. Ivan twisted humanity into monsters that lost capacity for mercy or empathy, while Skadi forced brutal population control and careless death on humanity because of her refusal to allow the giants to be destroyed. Both of them did horrible things, but only one is held to account by the story.

What Ivan did was evil, and the story recognises it. It doesn’t accept the excuse that it was all necessary for survival, because that’s irrelevant. It’s evil regardless. This same sentiment should have been expressed with Skadi, but it’s not. Ivan is condemned, but Skadi is absolved. She had no choice. She did the best she could. After building her up as all-powerful, the end of the story instead destroys her agency and power in its haste to prevent any kind of responsibility falling on Skadi’s head. Even to the very end, where she declares that she’ll kill all seven billion lives we fight for for the sake of her ten thousand, she holds back and allows us to win, despite how it butchers her character.

The biggest irony in all this is that Ivan’s world was worse than hers in ways. There was no way for the blizzards to stop, no meat besides for the demonic beasts. Crops couldn’t grow, and instead of living in peace, the Yaga were constantly tormented and killed by the Oprichniki. There were no liveable areas like there are in Lostbelt 2, no merciful ruler that sees all, and controls the greatest threats, no peaceful villages where food can be grown. There’s far more justification for Ivan to claim he had no choice and that he did all he did for survival, because it’s hard to see what his choices were. But Skadi? Skadi intentionally does not act and intentionally allows suffering and pain to come to her children, both actively by not saving Gerda, and passively by allowing the giants to take land they don’t need. Despite this, Skadi is absolved, because the story desperately wants her to be a tragic waifu that you love.

There’s lots more I could talk about. How Sitonai was pointless and existed only for a pathetic FSN reference. How Gerda was a cowardly and manipulative piece of writing compared to Patxi. How Ophelia’s story of always being told what to do is resolved not by her taking the step to freedom herself, but being told to free herself by someone else. The constant repetition that plagues the chapter, the weirdly prevalent sexism that everyone gets in on when it comes to Ophelia’s love life, the nonsense of the final battle itself, the absolute nonsense of Skadi being Scáthach-Skadi. I could even talk about how I’d fix the chapter, because boy howdy there’s a lot there.

There’s lots more I could talk about, but this is already very long, and I think it speaks for itself. Obviously asks are available if anyone wants me to examine them in more detail, but for now, I’ll finish off with one last reminder.

Lostbelt 2 is bad.

#FGO #fgo lostbelt #cosmos in the lostbelt #Lostbelt 2 #Fate Grand Order #Fate/Grand Order

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thejustmaiden · 4 years

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Heyo, fellow Inuyasha fans! Happy Friday! This particular blog will serve as a collection of random thoughts I’ve been mulling over lately. Hope you’ll consider giving it a read. By the way, it’ll specifically pertain to the Sessrin ship. If that’s not something that is of interest to you, then no need to read any further. Whatever happens, I wanted to get this out before the sequel. Alrighty, let’s go!

I’m not sure many of us realize just how much fiction sparks public dialogue and shapes culture. There have been countless studies and research done to prove it, therefore this really isn’t up for debate. What the real question here should be is have we taken the time to fully contemplate and assess just how much fictional experiences are able to change or influence our perspective on real, everyday life? The visual arts are just one of many evolutionary adaptations that serve to give us more insight into one another’s mind. If our outlook on fiction contrasts with said insight, then perhaps some re-evaluating is in order.

Powerful works of literature such as 1984 and the beloved Harry Potter series are just two examples. George Orwell’s book contributed strongly to how readers viewed government and politics during that time, and to this day it’s a book that resonates with many. As much as Harry Potter is cherished all across the world, there are religious and academic institutions that condemn it or have even gone so far as to ban it. I may not agree with the extreme measures taken, but it’s fascinating nonetheless to witness the extent to which fiction can move and mobilize people for a cause.

The takeaway is that indicating fiction doesn’t have the power to create change in our everyday lives is misleading to say the least. So how exactly then can fictional stories that are, after all, completely made up affect society in such profound ways? It all lies in the power of the psychology of fiction. According to cognitive psychologist and novelist, Keith Oatley, who’s been researching the psychological effects of fiction for over a decade, he states that engaging with stories about other people can improve empathy and theory of mind. When we identify with these characters’ struggles, we begin to share their frustration for societal problems that plague them. These types of stories tap into our emotions more so than- believe it or not- nonfiction, and thus their effects inspire us and even have the ability to alter our worldviews.

I’ll be returning to that specific topic a bit later, but moving on for now!

It’s safe to say that I speak on behalf of the majority of antis. That being said, I first want to add that we are aware that sessrin shippers claim to agree that there was nothing inherently romantic that took place between Rin and Sesshomaru during their travels together. The thing is we have trouble believing you guys when you time and time again provide contradictory statements to defend your stance.

Voicing things like, “all signs point to Rin” and “it’s been foreshadowed” sends the exact opposite message of what you supposedly stand for and, if anything, confirms that you’ve had romance on your mind long before it would’ve been acceptable to come out with openly. You can’t just go along with what we say when it’s convenient to your argument and then back it up later with “who else but Rin.” How can the relationship you’re imagining be so obvious if they didn’t hint at it for the whole duration of the original series like we agreed upon? Elaborate on how we could’ve possibly come to such wildly different conclusions when we started AND left off with the same views for and throughout the series.

On top of that, making the excuse that we don’t speak for adult!Rin and that she has the right to make her own decisions once she’s old enough is a weak defense. Firstly, because we haven’t even met her. Secondly, because it’s unfair of you to assert that you know what’s best for Rin and then say we’re not allowed to just because it doesn’t align with your beliefs. I get that you feel protective over her character, but do recall that this adult version of her none of us have actually met yet. We have no idea what kind of woman she’s become, what her dreams or aspirations may be, and whether she’s married or even wants to be. I’m not against the idea of her falling in love, I just don’t think it’ll be with Sesshomaru. I guess I’m also a fan of the idea of her following in Kaede’s footsteps, because if anyone can grow up to be an independent, trusted, and wise leader of the community like her it’s Rin.

To make matters worse, way too many of you continue to celebrate the drama cd and profess that it was sweet that Sesshomaru basically promised he’d wait for Rin all while somehow ignoring the glaring grooming implications. Why do you only see what you want to see and fail to acknowledge that actual child grooming scenarios do in fact play out like this in real life? A high percentage of people who have been victims of grooming can attest to this. If Sessrin does go canon, all the sequel succeeded in doing to avoid the direct correlation with grooming was skip over the more questionable and dodgy portions of it. Take out the time jump, however, and you no longer have a loophole to cover up the scary unmistakable truth, which is that Sessrin and grooming are essentially one in the same.

No one case is identical to another so please don’t come to me with your “but how is it grooming if Sesshomaru didn’t manipulate Rin” refutes. Nobody knows what the hell went on during those years between The Final Act and this upcoming sequel. Based on everything exhibited so far- that is if we decide to recognize the drama cd like so many of you choose to do- Sessrin’s dynamic is eerily reminiscent of real life child grooming. Why else do you think a lot of us fans have a huge problem with it? It’s triggering for a reason.

Let’s be honest, Sesshomaru’s supposed love confession could’ve just been the first of many gestures like it. Who really knows, right? According to you shippers, a major shift in their relationship took place sometime during this critical period none of us got to watch unfold. I’m sure you all have explored the various ways this would’ve gone down in fan fiction and through other creative means of expression. Not to spoil the fun, but all I can’t help but wonder about is just how many of those supposed “cute moments” would’ve been as creepy and cringey as that proposal. Hundreds of thousands (possibly millions?!) of fans would undoubtedly agree with me, too. It seems to me this ain’t due to a mere difference of opinion. Taste is one thing, ethics a whole other.

By the way, in case you didn’t know, groomers don’t necessarily need to plan out every single move in order for their behavior to constitute as grooming. What we should be paying attention to instead is the fact that Sesshomaru made a conscious decision to act on his own selfish desire for a young girl who couldn’t have possibly known in that moment the magnitude of what he was asking of her. Why is it that a vulnerable Rin is put in a position that forces her to be the one responsible for making such a big, life-changing decision for the both of them? Yes, Sesshomaru gave her the choice and, yes, she doesn’t have to make it till later, but why on Earth is he coming to her with this well before a child her age is ready and mature enough to handle it? Even if his intentions are good (broadly speaking of course), his what you shippers probably call “innocent acts” are incidentally coercing Rin into reciprocating his feelings. Whether he planned for that or not, he’s at fault. Period.

That’s one way the power imbalance works. A child wants nothing more than to please the adult they look up to and adore, because they’re impressionable like that. Maybe Rin processes this like she’ll want whatever he wants, so that’s what she trains herself to believe- either right then and there or over time. Plus, if you really think about it, why wouldn’t she trust him if in her eyes he’s been nothing but good to her and that’s all she’s ever really known? (Psst! Charm is integral to the manipulative nature of grooming so it’s deceiving AKA manipulation can come off as praise or flattery.) Bottom line is that Rin is too young to have to think about this kind of deep stuff at all, and Sesshomaru shouldn’t have taken advantage of the power he had/has over her to influence a decision she was by no means prepared to hear about much less decide on. Your headcanons seem to imply that she’ll eventually have to choose though, and Idk about you but I rather not push my own fantasy agenda onto a underage girl regardless of how much I want it. Idc if she’s fictional, it wouldn’t feel right so why would I want to see that? My principals couldn’t ever allow for it.

Even if it wasn’t an official proposal, per se, it’s still disturbing to me that so many of you find joy in the thought of a grown adult male essentially waiting for a young girl HE KNEW to become old enough before pursuing her. I know this drama cd ain’t technically canon, y'all, but since this is literally the only source we have that may foreshadow a potential Sessrin to come, and it’s referenced a lot, I figured it still should be called out for exactly what it is- Grooming: 101!!!!

Just as I demonstrated above, fiction has the ability to make even the most inappropriate and uncomfortable situations be viewed in a favorable light when you put the right spin on it. *cough* Lolicon culture, need I say more? *cough* Despite what you may believe, the strategies fiction utilizes to explain themes/concepts can genuinely lead to how we perceive them, and ultimately to how we come to make sense of a similar event presented to us in real life. Especially if we have no prior experience with any of it and have nothing to compare something to, these perceptions can be dangerous yet still persuasive to certain fans- young ones in particular. The more narrative consistency across stories and different mediums, the more likely they’ll influence social beliefs. Minors don’t possess the same capacity as adults to think critically about the content they consume, and if we aren’t more careful about what we put out there then all of us will continue to face serious repercussions.

This is precisely why it’s crucial we persist in our fight against the rabid phenomenon of glorifying young girls in every sexual context imaginable. Just look at what something as seemingly harmless as fiction has the power to do. The scope of fiction is broad and far-reaching, and it’s about time we stop denying that fact and actually do something about it if we have the means to.

The truth of the matter is that we’re in desperate need of proper education and training programs on this issue in our communities. Families need to ensure their children have access to the necessary resources, but it isn’t just on them. ALL of us gotta do our part and ALL of us should be up for the task. It takes a village, right? If we do not properly discuss and address child sexual abuse (CSA) with our children and in public forums, including the internet, then we’re ultimately accepting incidents of CSA should they arise. Consequently, that also translates to indirectly accepting that the predators among us stay untreated and/or unpunished. That’s how the generational and societal aspect of the abuse can continue, and we must do everything in our power to secure our children’s future. Yes, even when it comes to fiction.

If you still somehow don’t think the Sessrin pairing has anything to do with grooming, allow me to break this down for you one more time:

1. If some of your fellow sessrin shippers say that a relationship like this in real life is harmful, then that should be pretty telling in and of itself.

2. Piggybacking off #1: if your only defense to that is “well it’s just fiction,” then you should ask yourself why you can’t ever come up with better reasons. Same goes for history and culture, so please stop using those to justify this relationship. None of the above can or should be applied since it’s already been established that fiction pervades our lives and vice versa.

3. If fellow shippers who are victims of grooming say they are drawn to Sessrin because it allows them in a way to “take back control” from their abuser so that they can better cope with past traumas, then they’re inadvertently admitting that Sessrin does possess qualities associated with the past child sexual abuse they underwent. AKA Sessrin is relatable for its abusive dynamic.

I have to ask by the way, but why do you get so offended when we don’t support your ship anyway? Is it because we interpret it to be controversial and you don’t like your ship getting a bad rap? Is it because it would be insulting to admit that antis actually have a point in it being problematic and you rather double down instead? Or is it because you’re projecting yourself onto Rin and prefer to not go into detail about why that is? Maybe it’s too personal, or maybe it’s because deep down you’re ashamed. Of course that doesn’t mean you’re bad people, but suppressing these kind of negative emotions can’t be healthy for anyone. A little awareness and self-reflection on your part can benefit not just you but all of us in the long run. Cognitive dissonance can suck, but it’s also part of being human.

I recently came across a comment I’d like to share with you. Unfortunately, this is not the first time nor will it be the last I see the likes of it. Anyway, in it a fan stated how embarrassing it must be being an Anti in this fandom when an episode like “Forever with Lord Sesshomaru” exists. Guys, this shipper and all those who liked their post are showing their true colors. Perpetuating and/or anticipating these sexualized images of young girls is a grave issue in both our society and media alike. I think we can all agree on that, or at least I hope so. It’s remarks like these that prove we still got a long way to go in terms of progress, and if we ever hope to effectively reverse some of our backwards way of thinking. So serious question for ya in regard to this: Why is it too much to ask that grooming be portrayed for what it is? Grooming. To clarify, grooming is bad and needs to be painted in a bad light. It’s as simple as that. If only we could all acknowledge it for what it is, we wouldn’t be in this predicament.

Historical accuracy and cultural differences aside, it appears the crux of the matter between Sessrin shippers and Antis is our acceptance and/or denial of fiction’s influence on real life. If we can’t agree on this, then we’ll never agree on anything else. As mentioned earlier, there is more than enough evidence to support the idea that fiction impacts our lives in extraordinary ways. I, for one, believe in the transformative power of stories. I think they do more for us than many of us give them credit for and/or are inclined to admit.

This is partially why I believe that the majority of sessrin folk are missing the point most of the time. All they do is focus on insignificant and irrelevant information that accomplishes nothing but more gaslighting and strawmanning. Whether it be an intentional or unconscious decision, whatever we argue goes right over their head. All they do is throw around deflections and antagonizing remarks that serve no real purpose other than to make Antis out to be the unreasonable and irrational ones. Making connections between our own lives and our stories is a completely natural and normal occurrence. If those particular shippers insist on denying just how interconnected real life and fiction both are, what that tells me is they’re either out of touch with reality or deliberately choose to be.

Just to be clear, I am of the opinion that most if not all antis aren’t real life predators. If they say they aren’t, I honestly take their word for it. Speaking to Sessrin shipper directly: We know it’s not Sesshomaru you want to be but Rin. No, we’re not calling you pedophiles or groomers. None of us think you are using a fictional ship to attract underage fans to be the Rin in your life or anything of the sort. We are well aware that many of you are self-inserting yourself as Rin, so please don’t feel the need to tell us yourself because that would be stating the obvious.

I learned from a few of you since this sequel was announced that the Sessrin relationship isn’t just a ship but an opportunity for you to confront the person who used and abused you. So there’s two issues with this I’d like to raise. (Sorry if I’m repeating myself, but it’s urgent I stress this again!) This is what I have to say:

If fiction does not affect real life or have the ability to normalize anything as you claim to believe, then why does “fixing” what happened to you via your preferred choice of coping associated with these two characters in the first place? Why bring your past abuse into this at all if at the end of the day it’s “just fiction” and nothing more to you but a source of entertainment?

By confessing that you use Sessrin to cope with your past trauma, you therein reveal that Sessrin does in fact resemble an adult-child relationship with a grooming dynamic. So why then would you want other fans to be exposed to a pairing that brings to mind the very abuse you endured? We’re supposed to stop this toxic cycle- NOT find more ways to manifest and relive it, much less subject other fans to it.

You may think that Sessrin doesn’t fit the textbook definition of what child grooming is, but that’s not to say it doesn’t embody it or that it doesn’t at the very least have traces of it that stand out.

“Antis are miserable people who don’t know how to enjoy a good story. It’s just fiction, stop ruining it for other fans!”

Well, no, it’s not just fiction or just a story. Some of you evidently went and proved that yourself, and without my help, by revealing how you relate Sessrin to your own life and apply it to cope with past abuse. Past abuse or not, as far as I can tell we’re all equally invested in these characters. That speaks volumes and just goes to show that fiction touches our lives in long-lasting ways.

I have something I want to say concerning some of who believe that it’s inconsiderate of antis who have been victims of grooming or another form of child abuse to tell other victims who ship Sessrin how they should cope with their trauma. Now as much as I respect the various means victims discover to deal with their painful pasts, there’s always an appropriate time and a place for these things to occur. We must seek out better ways to safely cope with the abuse we lived through (if any) without running the risk of hurting and endangering others.

There are plenty of fans in other fandoms who don’t try to defend their ships going canon, because they’re able to recognize an unhealthy or toxic pairing when they see one and won’t try to justify it. A Sessrin romance simply does not belong on a show geared towards teens, and I really don’t need to go into detail about why we shouldn’t support it, at least canon-wise. Shipping Sessrin is your right, but if you don’t keep it to yourself and your corner of the fandom then you really shouldn’t be surprised by the opposition. All we ask is you respect that their specific dynamic falls under the category of child grooming (or very close) and should be treated as such in public. The world of fiction may be wider than the world we live in, but that doesn’t always mean “anything goes.” In the creative spaces our minds occupy we must still adhere to the same fundamental and moral guidelines we live by in life. There’s nothing wrong with exploring new terrains and experimenting with ideas, but we must also remember that our stories are all about communicating and connecting with people. So let’s please be more mindful of the sort of messages they’re sending.

Besides, this isn’t only about you and what makes you feel safe, it’s about all of us. I don’t know how much more I can stress that really. How can thoughts endanger our children, you ask? Well, it’s not like we’re suggesting that our thoughts can jump out of our tvs, materialize themselves, and place kids under mind control. The forces behind fiction are a lot more complex and nuanced than a “monkey see, monkey do” approach, so don’t waste any more time trying to describe that to us. You’re taking this argument in the wrong direction.

Take the “violent video games breed killers” theory. I’m afraid you’re misconstruing what we’re saying and then taking it quite too literally. Please stop twisting our words, because nobody on our side is saying that just because you play violent video games that you’ll become a violent person. The Sessrin equivalent of that would be if you ship them then you must be a pedophile or turning into one. *sigh* I know you guys are feeling attacked, but I’m afraid your defensive nature is keeping you from thinking straight. Clearly, there are always exceptions (I’d recommend reading up on the Slender Man case), but Antis aren’t saying you’re one of them.

You see, it’s not so much about the content as it is the notion of the content. Kids and teens who are playing these video games have been informed that killing is wrong, because they grew up learning that early on like the rest of us. No sane person would advocate for violence and nonsensical killing in real life. Since they fully understand the severity of the consequences of killing a person in real life, they are able make a clear distinction between the two. When it comes to killing there is hardly any ambiguity. Sadly, that is far from the truth when it comes to sexualizing girls. It should immediately be perceived as wrong leaving no room for interpretation, and yet here we are still putting up with these inaccurate and demeaning female representations.

Most children who have been groomed don’t realize it till years down the road. If they aren’t ever taught the telltale signs to properly labeling grooming situations, how do you expect them to make sense of and relate to a fictional version? Let’s think of about it from a child’s perspective. Yes, this includes teens who rely pretty heavily on adult guidance and the content we put out there for them. Put yourself in their shoes for a moment and picture that you’ve never had child grooming explained to you (because that’s just the reality for so many unfortunately). Wouldn’t you say it’s possible for them to deduce that what they see on their screens is how they come to discern something in real life, especially if they have little to no experience with it? Perceived realism is plausible, y'all.

What it comes down to in the end is that the ideas and emotions we cultivate behind these stories leave an impression on others. Impressions are capable of influencing the way we see the world, which in turn affects us and beyond just our imagination. The way I look at it, stories contribute to how and why we normalize certain beliefs and trends. If fiction reflects real life like most of us tend to agree, then wouldn’t you say Sessrin is a (in)direct result of this world’s tendency to place young girls in overly sexual or romantic environments? Where do you think fiction draws its inspiration from? Sure, some of it originates from our imagination, but most of what drives us to create these stories is the real world and the people who live in it.

Fiction is meant to mirror reality, but it’s ridiculous to suggest that it’s only a one-way street. That fiction in no way, shape, or form influences our reality? Or that it only works the other way around? With all due respect, that’s simply not true. No productive discourse can be had if we choose to ignore the truth and don’t come together (at least halfway) to tackle the real issues at hand.

Okay, I think I’ll leave it off there! Thanks so much for reading. I expect this to be my last blog on any topic regarding Inuyasha in the near future. As much as I’ve looked forward to answering all of your asks and writing all the blogs I have over these past almost 5 months, I think it’s best if I spend some time away for now. With the sequel fast approaching, I’m doing what I always do: hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. I’ve met some amazing people along the way, that’s for sure. And who knows, maybe you’ll see me active in the tags sooner than we think. Until then, it’s been an absolute pleasure! Enjoy the sequel, all of you. 💜

#inuyasha #hanyo no yashahime #anti sessrin #it's been real y'all #catch ya on the flipside #(which I hope is in a promising sequel 🤞)

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jalebi-weds-bluetooth · 4 years

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Arnav & Lavanya - An Imbalanced Relationship

This post is influenced and dedicated to @acroakingbird‘s post to me about Arnav & Lavanya.

Let’s answer a few questions first. Warning: this is a LOOONG post!

Did Arnav and Lavanya have a great relationship?

No. I thought carefully about this and as you have highlighted - it was not a healthy relationship. There was a severe power imbalance in the relationship (even if Lavanya was well off and her own person), Arnav was dominant in ways that often influenced Lavanya to do things that inconvenienced her but she was alright with it because she knew it would keep Arnav happy.

In the beginning, of course there is a great chemistry between him and Lavanya. You get a sense that their relationship blossomed from friendship as she’s well aware of his tastes and he gives her soft, small smiles that he doesn’t give anyone else.

And he even finds it easy to shift his growing attraction to Khushi to Lavanya (such as when Lavanya plays with his tie post the red saree incident, he almost holds a similar amount of intensity while staring at Lavanya that clearly says everything, or when Arnav checks out Lavanya in her white saree and is appreciative of what he sees - but is left speechless on seeing Khushi in a saree because he had not expected to feel what he does).

Arnav indulges Lavanya, is protective of her when his family goes crazy to traditionalize her, and is respectful of her privacy. Yet the easy, friendly banter of theirs quickly disappears the more serious their relationship gets. In short, the cracks become visible.

One scene about Lavanya that has always baffled me is how quick Lavanya is to jump into the boat of getting married to ASR when Khushi scares her about the idea that a live-in relationship does not provide permanence. Khushi is so childish and the imagination is laughable.

However Khushi, unintentionally, taps Lavanya’s fear of ASR leaving her. I think Lavanya already thought long about ASR’s stand on marriage with her and it’s not really Nani’s words or Khushi’s ideas that frightens her. She knows ASR and is puzzled that them living in the same house seems to be driving them away instead of bringing them closer.

In her massive argument with ASR (when she’s dressed as a bride), the questions she asks ASR on whether he loves her, her refusal to search for his feelings through his vague actions - all reflect a deeper conflict she’s been facing for months together. Khushi kind of pushes Lavanya to a conclusion she didn’t want to arrive.

Arnav and Lavanya though, don’t have the best relationship. Arnav always get his say, is rude and hurtful to Lavanya. They seem to get close when he wants to. There’s nothing jarringly wrong about their relationship - but the issues are visible long before Khushi even settles into Arnav’s mind. Lavanya is quick to appease him and fears his anger. She apologizes when it’s not necessary and is a ‘yes man’ to him.

Arnav’s best attitude towards Lavanya emerges when he is honest about his feelings for her. The change is immediate. He’s softer, kinder, considerate and immensely protective. I think he thought they would ideal together given she shares a similar school of thought, but unfortunately that didn’t work. In these rare moments we see that Arnav and Lavanya shared a deep friendship which Arnav pursued for convenience and Lavanya for love.

There are an excellent example of two people who should have remained friends.

Arnav craves control over his emotions - especially in a relationship - and the way he exerted it over Lavanya often bordered on troubling. While Arnav and Khushi almost reveled in the constant push and pull of the power play between them, Lavanya was almost always submissive and suffered from his anger.

Honestly, if Lavanya was truly happy and content in her relationship she would not keep on seeking constant reassurance. She feels the need to tell him that she sees love in his vaguest gestures (such as gifting a bag, and you wonder if she’s telling that to herself), and later goes into denial when she realizes he’s getting engaged to her for other reasons.

She does not want to verbalize it till the end but we see Lavanya getting snappier at ASR during their engagement time. We can see it when Lavanya notices that ASR isn’t responding to her thoughts about their honeymoon. When he yells at her for choosing a dress that matches Khushi’s and she yells back. When she’s unsurprised with him taking Khushi’s name.

I think Lavanya also recognizes the issue their relationship has. More than once she mentions to Khushi that she isn’t like Khushi. That she can’t control, talk back nor stand her own in front of ASR. She realizes her self respect is getting hurt in her process of handling his family and being with ASR, but she does get back with him with his slightest effort.

This does not sound like a relationship that could last, and I do like the subtle ways this is highlighted - it makes Arnav and Lavanya’s relationship incredibly real without making anyone an outright villain.

Did Arnav cheat Lavanya?

You answered this pretty well in your post.

I feel like Arnav did cheat on Lavanya quite a number of times, emotionally and Diwali time included. Arnav and Lavanya were committed enough to be in a live in relationship and they both had feelings for another (Lavanya more than Arnav and I’m not saying they had the same intensity as between Arnav and Khushi.) At no point during that time was it okay for him to be attracted and have feelings for Khushi or lead on Lavanya because he didn’t want to deal with them. Frankly, it was disrespectful and cruel.

So as you’ve wonderfully laid out, even an emotional affair is considered cheating. But here comes another question -

Can you control attraction?

No. Unfortunately, no.

Did Arnav & Khushi have an emotional affair?

Yes and no. I don’t think they realized how integral they were to the other emotionally or that how emotionally dependent they were on each other. They never spoke about Lavanya, their emotions or their engagements.

Each time they were upset or that they questioned each other, it was solely based on hints and on their own experience with the other person.

Khushi has no idea how much Arnav needed someone to talk to when he misses his mother. But she stays with him because his sadness hurts her, and he asks her to stay because she is the only one who can connect with the emptiness he feels.

Arnav has no idea how much Khushi needs a pillar of support and a confidante, when her father is paralyzed. How much she needs a shoulder where she can be a frightened child and not a responsible adult. He is unable to hug her when Khushi finally vents her emotions to the only person who can be brutally honest with her. She later runs away, again, confused at why she chose to hug him.

It’s the fact that they always just don’t know. If you carefully see, up until Akash and Payal’s wedding (and then up until their hug at the warehouse when Arnav’s kidnapped), either Khushi, Arnav, or both are confused as to why they are drawn to each other. It’s their awareness but lack of understanding that makes this question difficult to answer.

It’s what makes them better human beings but terrible decision makers.

Should he have been honest with Lavanya?

Yes, but on what basis.

How do I say, he isn’t one to end a perfectly convenient relationship because he is physically attracted and emotionally enamored by a woman who is the exact opposite from him. His feelings, emotions - that he refuses to acknowledge - exist in his hidden thoughts (a lot of time it’s when he’s in his bed). Khushi is almost... a fantasy.

And Arnav is not one to break a secure, safe relationship for a flight of imagination/fantasy. It’s not even a comfortable fantasy. He’s almost always bothered, irritated or confused by it. He only begins smiling while thinking about her during Akash and Payal’s wedding.

Did Arnav realize he was cheating Lavanya?

No, not until the day he takes Khushi’s name instead of Lavanya’s while trying to apologize to Lavanya. I know, it sounds like a stretch to the extent his denial ran - but that’s what denial is.

Arnav is a man of action, not words. His morality is also ambiguous - and he isn’t shy about that. The little he speaks, it’s carefully measured and thought out. He is someone who blatantly ignores the existence of emotions. Arnav knew he was physically attracted to Khushi. But -

- could he start a relationship with Khushi?

No, it took forever for Arnav to realize that he could actually live a life with Khushi. For a long time I think he believed that Khushi was a passing phase. Khushi was almost always fainted or asleep when he pushed away a strand of hair, held her cheek - unveiling his deepest darkest desire.

Yet, as far living together and reality was concerned, he pretty much believed that Lavanya would be ideal. A relationship with Khushi was impractical. He recognizes lust alright, but also does not expect more from it. Unlike Khushi who begins to dream of their married life once she gets a serious hint on what is her feelings for Arnav, Arnav never dreams of a future with Khushi.

He begins to grow emotionally more attached to Khushi once he learns about the death of her parents and realizes that she is an inherently strong, independent and a good human being. There’s no facade to her goodness. It’s when he actively begins to seek her when he realizes they’re more similar. He begins to see her as his equal. Here, I think, it becomes grey. I don’t think he realizes the end result of his growing emotional and physical connection to Khushi.

The Diwali is a shocker to him. He sees it as a moment he succumbed to the fantasies he had had about Khushi and hence, almost turned out to be like his father.

Arnav getting shocked, angry, numb and scared when his family plans his wedding with Lavanya is the beginning of a wake up process where Arnav is forced to understand the consequences of the commitment he promised to Lavanya.

The episodes following the Diwali - he’s technically horrid to Khushi and Lavanya. He’s stringing both of them and he does not realize that until Lavanya literally reminds him. His and Lavanya’s relationship was also a way for Arnav to prove himself to his overbearing grandmother - he couldn’t and wouldn’t break up with Lavanya until he knew, for certain, that he wasn’t in the right place. Which is why he avoided bringing Lavanya over initially, until his ego got involved.

Khushi’s engagement pulls him out of his stupor because he realizes that he could have made it work... perhaps the other man is not who he wants Khushi to be with.

I don’t think he even imagined marrying Khushi until she is engaged to Snakewa. Then he constantly puts himself as a better choice than her fiancé and almost pushes her to acknowledge that he can fulfill all her desires; materialistic, emotional and physical.

Morally, this is incorrect. He, again, does not realize the consequences of his actions. He is seeking reassurance from Khushi to be able to justify and probably end his and Lavanya’s relationship.

There’s a difference between awareness and acknowledgement. The day he acknowledges what he feels for Khushi, is the day he immediately breaks up with Lavanya because he understands the depth of what is between him and Khushi, and almost instantly realizes that he has been stringing Lavanya to get a confession out of Khushi.

It’s the day he stops all his mind games with Khushi. He doesn’t press her further for questions. His only focus is with Lavanya, and he spends the next two days trying to rectify all his mistakes. His breakup with Lavanya is less about his feelings for Khushi and more about his dishonesty.

Arnav never fails to apologize when he realizes he has truly erred.

Also, he can never tell anyone what’s the reason for his breakup because he still has no idea if he and Khushi can actually ever be together. In his eyes he knows Khushi is marrying someone else. And Arnav would very well wallow in his own anguish and not be with another because he knew he wouldn’t be honest.

Arnav has no idea that Khushi reciprocates his feelings completely and refused to get engaged in the beginning because of what she feels for him. He only has a hint but stops pursuing that once he sees how he has hurt Lavanya in that process.

He realizes he has always put Khushi before Lavanya and might continue to do so for the rest of his life.

In short, in episode 142 he realizes he has been dishonest with Lavanya because he comes to a complete realization of his feelings for Khushi. Until then, naively, Arnav & Khushi feel that their engagement to other people would put a full stop to their emotions as they both firmly believe in the institution of marriage. Instead, it does the opposite. Khushi grows increasingly uncomfortable with her fiancé and Arnav grows immensely detached.

Yes, his actions and decisions are more questionable than Khushi’s and it could be called cheating (especially during this phase) but I think it’s more dishonesty because Khushi is never an active participant. It takes two to tango and Arnav really isn’t thinking at this point - if they accidentally kissed or hugged or even confided in each other, he would’ve immediately broken up with Lavanya, which he does in episode 142.

He realizes that the attraction has grown into something permanent and serious, irrespective of the fact that he and Khushi can’t be together. He can’t and won’t give a name to the attraction because he does not want to be like his father. It’s more of Arnav realizing he has been dishonest to Lavanya. It’s the realization that he will put Khushi before anyone else.

Had he continued his pursuit of Khushi and faked happiness and commitment to Lavanya post this realization, it would have been easier for me to judge him more harshly.

Also, the audience, as in us, are the only people who are seeing that Arnav and Khushi think about, care and love each other in equal measure. Arnav and Khushi almost always believe they are impossible apart from a few hints. They are always in the dark about the other person.

Arnav and Khushi realize, openly flirt and admit their feelings to each other, unfortunately, on the day of their forced marriage. It’s the first time they have a smiling Rabba Ve with each other without any confusion/questions - they both know they’re in love (it’s the morning when Arnav notices her cooking for the relatives, sees that she can sense his presence, and she chooses the saree he recommends).

#ipkknd #acroakingbird #Arnav Singh Raizada #khushi kumari gupta #lavanya kashyap #thought

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dwellordream · 4 years

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I'd love a directors commentary for all of "my heart is a fist of barbed wire", but there's so many chapters (really, really good ones gah) so chapter 32 "ring" would be fascinating to hear your take on, it really ties into the last couple chapters and is still so shocking?! I really enjoyed it, thank youu!! ♥️

thank you! i remember going into chapter 32 i was just so worn down from the fic (as much as I enjoyed writing it) that I was kind of dreading having to wrap up so many major plot points in just one chapter. the chapter ended up being nearly 10,000 words, which at that time especially was brutal for me to try to get through, so it was kind of tiring to get through, but I ended up being pretty satisfied with it. I wrote it in parts and spent about a day on each ‘section’ since it’s divided by months. I still feel like the pacing is pretty uneven, but it got across Amy’s rapidly evolving emotional state as she figures out what she wants to do with her life. ‘August’ was interesting because this is where Amy takes her first real step towards actively deceiving Tom; we see her come to a series of conclusions pretty much all at once. she knows he is going to find out that she came looking for him in Knockturn Alley. either she can confess that she followed up on the Riddles and knows what he’s done, or she can hide it. her decision to hide is largely due to the fact that she’s now realized this is the *only* advantage she has over him. he’s committed a serious crime- murder!- and is convinced he’s getting away with it. the only way she can keep this leverage over his head is to feed into Tom’s sizable ego and play up his cunning and charisma, convincing him that he’s ‘won her back’. fortunately for Amy, she is perceptive enough to realize that she needs to go about this in a manner that is convincing. he has some massive blind spots, but she knows he will be suspicious if she suddenly seems completely forgiving and accepting of his bad behavior once again. with this in mind, Amy comes up with a haphazard plan to reel Tom back in; she’s going to play coy and distant, feed into his desire to ‘prove himself’ to her, and let him do a lot of her work for her. Tom is very smart but he’s also used to being right, and he relies on a ton of assumptions to live his life. his #1 assumption is that no one is cleverer than him or more cunning than him, and Amy is not an exception to this. he might respect her obvious wits and determination, but he certainly doesn’t want to acknowledge that it could ever be used against him, personally. therefore when Amy is reunited with Tom in ‘August’, she puts on a pretty good act, pretending to slip up and reveal that she still cares for him and his well-being; Tom is only too eager to fall for this, and leaps at the chance to convince her that he’s back on his best behavior; when he wheedles her into a date, she lets him, albeit pretending to still have her guard up. one interesting note about ‘October’ is that despite her obvious animosity and desire to get away from Tom, Amy still worries that he might be drafted after he’s turned eighteen. I think it just speaks to her overall compassion. she has plenty of reason to hate him, but she still wouldn’t wish the war upon him. In ‘December’ we see that Tom and Amy are back to their own tricks; on friendly enough terms to exchange holiday gifts once more, albeit in private. Amy is forced to remain back at Hogwarts for the break due to Wool’s closure, leaving her extremely isolated and vulnerable. Tom, of course, senses an opportunity here and presents her with a very expensive gift of pearl earrings (which Amy infamously speculates over the origins of). there is a whole lot of fucked up stuff wrapped up with this present exchange. Amy bakes Tom cookies almost as a ‘test’ experiment to see how trusting he is of her: the answer is ‘very’. he accepts her gift without question, almost as if it were expected and prompted by him. he presents her with what would ordinarily be considered a very serious and romantic gift; genuine pearl earrings (or really any expensive jewelry) was a major status symbol gift in the 1940s. no normal teenage boy would have been giving a girl he wasn’t even ‘going steady with’ such a lavish present. it would have been more in line for a married couple. this is some obvious foreshadowing of what’s to come. the very first thing Tom does after giving Amy this present is not ask if she likes the earrings or tell her he got her them because he cares about her and knows she’s fond of pearls, but instruct her to put them on. I think this is such a textbook example of his controlling and possessive behavior. it pops up throughout the fic and we certainly see it when he has Matthew attacked out of jealousy and a desire to make Amy suffer, but it’s just super blatant here. it’s almost like he doesn’t really care whether Amy likes the earrings or not. what he cares about is that she is willing to put them on, even if only temporarily, thus demonstrating (in his view) some level of devotion that he’s going to rely on later. in his mind, if she can accept the earrings without rejecting them (or him) she can accept something more serious. we then see him immediately try to kiss her, something he hasn’t done in over a year at that point; they’ve had pretty much no physical contact whatsoever since the Matthew Fiasco. what’s also disturbing here is that Amy senses he’s about to kiss her and decides to ‘let it happen’, without much regard for her own consent. she doesn’t seem to care whether or not she actually wants Tom to kiss her- he wants to, and she’s decided that it’s in her best interests to keep him placated. compared to her earlier trend of usually taking the initiative in their romantic relationship and being very clear about what she wants and doesn’t want, I think this is really sad and concerning. what surprises Amy (and maybe the reader) is that when Tom does go through with it, he almost immediately realizes that she’s not into it, at all, beyond just not reciprocating right off the bat, and backs off. there’s multiple ways to interpret this. we could argue that Tom still cares about her consent and has no interest in kissing someone who clearly doesn’t want to be kissed. we could argue that Tom realizes it’s in *his* best interests to try to *prove* he can be understanding and patient and so he reluctantly backs off. we could argue that the tender and sweet nature of the kiss itself shows a ‘soft side’ to Tom that is really desperate for love and affection, as opposed to him trying to bully her into reciprocating. in the end, this is from Amy’s POV, and she just doesn’t know. what she does see is that Tom seems visibly disturbed by her lack of reaction, and is genuinely concerned she’s about to cry. he then apologizes (or as much of an ‘apology’ as we might ever see from him in Barbed Wire) and seems to remind himself that she asked him for some space and time. Amy latches onto this, and tries to reassure him that she, too, wants things to go back ‘to the way they were’. but the cold reality here is that there is no going back. Amy *can’t* go back. the real dysfunction here is Tom’s insistence on trying to turn back time- to him, the reminder that they are graduating and will soon ‘leave behind’ their school social circles is a comforting one. the irony of course is that literally none of that happens. Tom has no intention of moving on with his life or dropping the fairweather friends he’s cultivated at Hogwarts. he intends to exploit as much as possible from them and the reputation he’s built up as an aspiring pureblood elite. nothing really changes for him, but everything is about to change for amy. finally we get to ‘May’ and ‘June’. I seriously debated giving ‘June’ its own chapter and ending 32 on ‘May’, but I decided at the time it would give readers a false impression of the direction the fic was headed in. I figured there were enough twists already without convincing everyone that we were about to have an ‘unhappy happy ending’ or I guess ‘happy ending for Tom, mediocre ending for Amy’. in ‘May’ of course comes the Proposal. I really debated combining this with ‘June’ and having Tom propose right before Amy springs her trap, but it ended up working out better this way. Amy and Tom yet again meet up in secret, this time above the dueling gallery, and they almost seem to have fully reconciled- Amy enthusiastically reciprocates his kiss, and he presents her with yet another gift: an unexpected letter of recommendation from one Oliver Parkinson, a successful healer guaranteed to ensure her a prosperous career at St Mungo’s straight out of graduation. I think kind of the crux of Amy’s character is her reaction to this gift. even while pretending to be won over, she cannot hide her distaste for this method; she doesn’t want anything she feels she hasn’t earned. to Tom, this is a pointless (if endearing) waste of her pride. he is really patting himself on the back here, going, ‘look how enlightened I am, not only being tolerant of you wanting a career of your own, but going to all this trouble to set it up for you!’. but that’s not what Amy wants. she wants a partner who is going to encourage her to forge her own path, not do the work for her. she doesn’t want an easy life, she wants a meaningful one, and her and Tom’s definitions of ‘meaningful’ just don’t align. it also has to do with his own pride- in Tom’s mind, if they’re going to be engaged, *of course* she needs an illustrious career, especially since Amy has no ‘good breeding’ or lovely country estate to fall back on. he knows it will be much easier to work her into pureblood society if she is a respected protege of a man like Oliver Parkinson; than he can arrange for people to conveniently forget about her wild school days and her muggleborn background, and really shape her into a woman he feels will best suit his goals in life; someone successful in their own right, but still owing it all to him and his connections. he then almost immediately shoots himself in the foot by bragging about his blackmailing of Atticus Greengrass to secure his own career prospects, and then, of course, unveils the fateful Ring, the same Ring Amy immediately spotted on him way back in ‘August’, which has conveniently fit very well into her plans. Tom still can’t be bothered with a more traditional propose, and launches into one final sales pitch to Amy. a lot of people have commented on about how earnest and genuinely compelling they found his speech. I felt like it had to be in order to sell the moment. he needs to *believe* in what he’s saying. it has to be the most open and vulnerable moment of Tom’s in the entire fic for it to seem plausible. he puts it all on the line for one split second of faith... and of course it blows up in his face, but the point is that he seeded his own destruction, more or less. had he been like this with Amy from the start, maybe they could have built a much more positive and open relationship, instead of a dysfunctional mess. “you’re alone,” Tom tells Amy, more or less, “you’ve always been alone, and you will always need me to make you feel less alone” but we know that’s just not true. Amy isn’t alone; she has real friends and passions, she has so much to look forward to, an entire life ahead of her. Tom is the one who’s alone, in the worst possible way. the one person who made him feel less alone, he ended up pushing away with his poor choices and selfish desires. he brings up her background in this ‘gotcha’ moment- but the joke is that Amy doesn’t care! she’s always known, and she doesn’t care. it’s painful, yes, and she acknowledges that pain, but she has moved on from that part of her life. she holds no rage or even resentment towards her mother for giving her up. she doesn’t resent her mother for being an impoverished sex worker with no means to care for a small child. she has no desire to find out who her father was or ‘confront’ her mother- that doesn’t matter to Amy. where she comes from, her origins, they don’t matter. she doesn’t give a damn about her heritage or ancestry, she just wants to move forward. and now the only thing standing in her way is Tom. I think ‘June’ pretty much speaks for herself, but I will say this; when I wrote I didn’t really feel any vindictive sense of ‘ah, she’s getting her revenge on him now!’, mostly just sadness. It’s really sad that Amy ends up feeling the only way she can even have this honest talk with Tom... is with him incapacitated and literally unable to respond. she identifies herself as being selfish, and I think this is a good example of selfishness not always being a bad thing, which I think is very important, especially for girls! (not that I’m condoning drugging anyone or blackmailing them, etc). but learning to put yourself and your wants and needs first is important. Amy is mature enough to realize that this relationship with Tom and her cannot work. she cannot be his moral compass, and she cannot turn a blind eye to his actions. his speeches about ‘letting her win’ and them being happy together are pretty and persuasive but ultimately hollow. there is no happy ending for them. he ruined their chances of that a long time ago. she’s not his enemy- he is. and I think her parting of “I love you” just really speaks to who she is as well. it’s really hard to recognize that someone you love isn’t good for you, that not all loves are necessarily good things. being with him might feel right in the moment, but in the long-term she knows it would be the exact opposite. she’s able to honestly acknowledge her feelings while still finding the strength to walk away.

#ask #anon #ask game #barbed wire

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pass-the-bechdel · 5 years

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Marvel Cinematic Universe: Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015)

Does it pass the Bechdel Test?

Yes, once.

How many female characters (with names and lines) are there?

Seven (30.43% of cast).

How many male characters (with names and lines) are there?

Sixteen.

Positive Content Rating:

Three.

General Film Quality:

Significantly flawed, and well-known in fandom for it. Unpopular opinion? I still think it’s better than the first Avengers film.

MORE INFO (and potential spoilers) UNDER THE CUT:

Passing the Bechdel:

Natasha and Laura pass in a single-line trade. It’s sooo close to not counting.

Female characters:

Natasha Romanoff.

Wanda Maximoff.

Maria Hill.

Helen Cho.

Peggy Carter.

Laura Barton.

FRIDAY.

Male characters:

Tony Stark.

Steve Rogers.

JARVIS.

Thor.

Clint Barton.

Strucker.

Pietro Maximoff.

Bruce Banner.

Ultron.

Sam Wilson.

James Rhodes.

Ulysses Klaue.

Heimdall.

Nick Fury.

Erik Selvig.

Vision.

OTHER NOTES:

Everyone talking about Strucker like we already know who he is...

The “Shit!”/”Language!” gag was funnier before they hung a lantern on it. Not least because it takes almost a full minute before Tony harks back to it (fifty seconds, actually. I checked). If you’re gonna make a Thing out of it, you gotta follow up immediately, not after fifty seconds of cutting around to different character intros and action shots and a whole lot of other dialogue.

Urrgghh, ok, I’m going to break my standing rule about not discussing source material, because we gotta acknowledge the colossal wrongness of re-writing the Maximoff twins - canonically Jewish Romani - as willing volunteers in a Nazi science experiment. It gets worse the more you think about it. There are a few things about this movie which generated significant negative outcry, and this incredibly offensive decision is one of them.

Tony and Thor fighting over who has a better girlfriend does have a certain charm to it. If you’re gonna have a testosterone-off, it might as well be about how great your partner is.

I got a zero out of ten on this out-of-nowhere forced romance crap with Natasha and Bruce. We’ll come back to this later.

“I will be reinstituting Prima Nocta,” Tony declares, as he prepares to lift Thor’s hammer and thereby theoretically take charge of the Nine Realms. Primae noctis (believed to in fact be a myth) refers to a supposed Dark-Ages law that granted lords the ‘right’ to take the virginity of any newlywed peasant woman who lived on their land. So, this is a wonderful little rape joke from Tony (or, y’know, not so little, since primae noctis in reality would make Tony a serial rapist). Ha ha ha ha. Hilarious. Good one.

I’m really mad about the parts here that are total garbage, because mostly, the revels sequence has a nice low-key quality to it, good solid team dynamics.

I can’t fucking believe that they played the ‘and then Bruce falls with his face in Natasha’s cleavage!’ gag. I cannot believe it. Is this a disgusting frat-boy comedy from the nineties?

Honestly, Tony, just shut up and admit that you KNEW from the get-go that it was wrong to try and make Ultron happen (that is why you kept it secret from everyone else to begin with); don’t try to defend the decision now that you’ve got a ‘murderbot’ on your hands. Take responsibility for a bad choice instead of talking shit about how you had to and everyone else is just too short-sighted, damn it!

Andy Serkis is delightful.

The Iron Man/Hulk fight absolutely KILLS the momentum of this film. It goes for way the fuck too long (eight minutes) and has no narrative significance at all. Pro tip for action scenes: they should always be driving the story somewhere. You can pull off eighty minutes of action so long as your plot is advancing alongside/within it.

Also, Iron Man causes a huge amount of additional damage during this fight, in the service of the aforementioned pointless action. His efforts to minimise Hulk’s effects are extremely poor, and calling in his relief organisation to clean up after the fact does not negate that.

Gotta love that throwing a wife and kids at Hawkeye at the same time as we suddenly start pushing this Natasha/Bruce thing. That’s not transparent at all. I also understand this to be a major deviation from Clint’s identity in the comics, and very unpopular with fans for that reason, but regardless; reinventing him as a family man to reset the romantic blather after baiting fans with the possibility of Clint/Natasha in the first Avengers movie is such a shitty move. I was not invested in the ship myself and would have loved to have them reinforce the just-friends relationship between Hawkeye and Black Widow, because there are not enough platonic friendships between compatible men and women in fiction, but 'they’re not interested in each other because they’re busy with someone else!’ is a weak reinforcement indeed. Less forced romances, and definitely less token wifey who exists for no other Goddamn reason at all. This comes out of nowhere, and not in a clever-surprise kind of way.

“You still think you’re the only monster on the team?” Natasha says, after telling Bruce about her sterilisation. This earned a HUGE backlash, and for good reason - despite all arguments about how what Natasha meant was that her being raised to be an assassin makes her a monster, the direct implication of her words as they are phrased and as the discussion is structured is that her inability to have children makes her monstrous, and that’s deeply offensive. It’s also completely in keeping with a narrative which is often played out against women, in which their value as people is attributed directly to their ability to produce offspring, so it’s not even like this outrageous implication of monstrosity - the corruption of what it means to be female! - is that unusual. It’s awful, but not unusual. Add on the fact that 1) Natasha’s nightmare-flashes specifically foregrounded her sterilisation over all other details of her training, supporting the idea that she believes that it’s what makes her irredeemable (instead of, y’know, all the murdering and stuff), and 2) this is Joss Whedon’s work and he is OBSESSED with highlighting the womanhood of his female characters and treating it like their defining trait while also variously punishing them for it, and you’ve got every reason to interpret this terrible fucking line as exactly the heinous thing it (presumably, unwittingly) seems to be.

Steve ripping a log in half with his bare hands is the funniest thing in this whole movie.

Thor’s brief side-adventure with Erik Selvig is pretty out-of-place. He just...goes for a swim in a convenient magic pond that Selvig chances to know about. Seems normal.

Ultron is full of such boring, empty rhetoric. Reminds me of Loki in The Avengers, with all that sound-and-fury.

I love Paul Bettany.

Man, they sure do find Natasha instantly. It’s almost like making a damsel-in-distress of her who needs to be rescued by the team was completely meaningless...

Breaking my no-BTS rule (since I already have done for this movie at this point) because it’s well-known how Joss Whedon ordered Elizabeth Olsen not to show exertion or ‘ugly emotion’ on her face in this film, because God forbid she compromise her attractiveness by being human. Joss Whedon is not human; he’s fucking trash.

The final fight sure does just, y’know, get to a point where it ends. They really did not ratchet up the tension over the course of the Sokovia conflict, it just goes along until it stops (also, they say Sokovia is a country, but then they never call the city anything else, it’s just Sokovia. Is the city conveniently named after the country (very confusing), or is it a city-country, like The Vatican? I kinda assume it’s option three, which is that no one bothered to care because it’s just some fake European placeholder anyway and we’re not supposed to notice such a dumb oversight).

“I was born yesterday.” This is the best quip in this whole thinks-it-is-way-wittier-than-it-is movie.

Helen Cho deserved better than to be a prop rapidly dismissed and then just trotted past at the end for an ‘oh, she survived, btw’.

Back when I reviewed the first Avengers movie, I said that I considered that film to be heavily overrated, so maybe it’s not such a surprise that I actually like this one better. The two primary problems I had with that first film were the overly simplistic plot, and the fact that most of the characters were OOC compared to previous films, and this movie does do better on both scores, so I feel more engaged by it, and less annoyed. That said...this movie has still got a lot of problems, and those include iffy characterisation and a plot with various holes, nonsensical complications, and conveniently ignored or smoothed-down dynamics. When I say I like this movie better than the first one, I mean just that: I like this better. That does not mean I am here to sing its praises.

The tacked-on romance is part of the problem - for Clint as well as Natasha (but especially for Natasha). After Hawkeye was so heavily under-used in the first film (and his slightly-ambiguous relationship with Black Widow was the only human element that made him a character instead of a prop), Age of Ultron attempts to compensate by giving Clint a personal life, in the form of a magically-appearing heavily-pregnant wife and a pair of nameless children. The function of this family appears to be 1) to give Clint a reason to not be interested in Natasha, and 2) to ‘humanise’ him by giving him something to fight for and get home to, because we all know nothing legitimises a character quite like some otherwise-irrelevant dependents. Want a man to seem lovable and important? Give him a pregnant wife. That’s what women are for, anyway, right? To enhance a man’s story? In this case, to provide a man whose purpose in the story has been contested with insta-personality, because ‘he’s secretly a family man, ooh, twist!’ is way better than having to spend time on giving him something to do in the plot that is actually meaningful in some way. Great logic. Makes Hawkeye super dynamic, right?

Natasha, unsurprisingly, is hit much, much harder. As the only female avenger and one of only two prominent female characters in a cast which has seven-to-nine male characters of equal or greater importance/screen time (YMMV on whether or not you think Fury and Vision count for that list), the pressure is already on for Natasha to be served up a quality narrative, because if she doesn’t get one, well...she doesn’t have six-to-eight alternative characters to pull the weight for her gender. The best solve for this problem would be to avoid the ‘Token Woman’ cliche in the first place, but since we missed that boat...not having the personal story of your only primary female character revolve completely around her womanhood and her catering to heteronormative expectations of a love interest would have been a good choice. This weird, forced, chemistry-free thing with Bruce Banner? Was the worst thing they could have used to define Natasha’s presence in the film. It sticks out like a sore thumb every time they have an awkward interaction, and it leads in to that atrocious ‘monstrous infertility’ element (though that particular egregious mistake could have been included with or without a romantic blunder, it...probably wouldn’t be, and we’d all be the better off). Even the Hulk-whisperer part of the relationship - while not awful on its own with all the unnecessary romance and Unresolved Sexual Not-Tension removed - serves to highlight Natasha’s female-ness by making her the soft maternal figure for the team, because God forbid one of the other male members of the team be asked to ASMR-speak to the Hulk while delicately caressing his hand. If Natasha’s presence in the first Avengers film leaned too heavily on her gender identity as a defining trait (and it did), this movie doesn’t fix that problem at all: it doubles down on it.

The good news for most of the excess of male characters is, they by-and-large don’t feel as OOC as they did in the first film. The boorish romantic entanglement aside, Bruce Banner is still a naturalistic character highlight (all credit to Mark Ruffalo, who probably doesn’t know how to turn in a bad performance in the first place), and Thor’s dialogue is way less ridiculous this time ‘round, so he lands a lot closer to his personality from previous films simply by virtue of sounding like the same guy (unfortunately, the plot does not have the faintest idea what it wants to do with him as a character). Steve Rogers is still being written as if being Captain America is his character, which is a fundamental misunderstanding of his identity, albeit one which conveniently allows him to behave in a stereotypical self-righteously bland manner, thus avoiding the need for any nuance in his perspective or actions. This borderline fanfic-flamer ‘Captain America is my least favourite character so I’m going to write him as a boring stick-in-the-mud and then hopefully no one else will like him either!’ approach doesn’t grate quite as badly as it did in the first Avengers, and it can’t cancel out the innate level-headed charm of Chris Evans, so as disappointing as the bias is, it’s still a better balance here than it was last time. The one character who is not so flatteringly handled, however? Also happens to be the one who was arguably handled best last time, and unfortunately, he’s the one who is essentially treated as the ‘lead’.

The big problem for Tony Stark is that this movie is not interested in digging in to the pathos of any character, it’s all-flash-no-substance on that front, and Tony really, really needed a less heavy-handed slathering of ‘afraid of what might come (feat. messiah complex)’ to motivate his actions and reactions in this film, because without any exploration he’s basically just a billionaire kid playing with matches. If this were an Iron Man film (either the first or third one, anyway), we’d get into some tasty deconstruction of Tony’s mental state and confront his hubris, etc, and - crucially, most crucial of all, it’s a mainstay of all his past stories in the MCU - Tony would own up to his mistakes, listen to the advice of those around him, and take contrite steps toward fixing the problem not just in the direct sense of ‘beating the bad guy’, but also in the personal and emotional sense of working on his own flaws and making amends with the people he hurt along the way. This movie offers none of that. To begin with, Tony’s ‘I know best and I will not be taking any questions’ approach to creating Ultron feels like a significant step backwards in his character development so far (Iron Man 3 was specifically about addressing his PTSD and associated tumultuous emotions surrounding the fear of imminent alien invasion, so his reactionary and secretive behaviour in this film feels particularly out-of-touch with a mental reality Tony has been explicitly working on for the past couple of years); Tony is actively aware that it’s a bad call and thus hides it from the other Avengers until it’s too late, and then he’s bizarrely unrepentant about his mistake. Worst of all, he actually attempts to repeat that mistake, only worse, late in the film (the fact that his idiotic ‘mad scientist’ pep talk actually convinces Bruce to help him again is the weakest character moment for Bruce outside of the aforementioned romance crap). The plot rewards Tony’s second, far worse mistake, in the creation of Vision, who turns out to be ‘worthy of wielding Thor’s Hammer’ and whatnot and conveniently provides every necessary skill to defeat Ultron in a deus ex machina so overt you could use it as a textbook example, so even though Tony had absolutely no way of knowing that he’d get a good result this time and almost every reason to believe he’d just compound the existing problem, his reckless disregard for the literal safety of the planet is treated like a good thing because it happens to work out this time, and they just kinda sweep under the rug the fact that Tony is playing God (and being uncharacteristically stupid and selfish about it - in other films, Tony is normally only reckless with his own safety, and it’s when his actions spill out into unintended consequences for others that he realises the error of his ways and cues up a positive learning curve; it’s what makes him palatable). At the end of the film, once Ultron is gone and Tony has thrown some dispassionate wads of cash into ‘relief efforts’, he strolls and quips and eventually drives off into the sunset in his expensive car, with nary a mention of, I dunno, maybe a little guilty conscience? Maybe a hint of having learned a valuable lesson? The closest he gets is just suggesting that it might be time he retires from Avenging, but neither he nor anyone else lets on that there’s a need for serious self-reflection. The Tony Stark in this movie is the nightmarish male-fantasy version of the character, the playboy with the cool tech and no limits who does whatever he wants and then...literally rides off into the sunset in the end, no muss, no fuss. He’s kinda like a complete reversion to his original self, pre-Iron Man, frittering money around and designing weapons of mass destruction while convincing himself he’s bringing peace to the world one explosion at a time, but that Tony has no business here, seven years of character development down the track.

While we’re talking iffy characterisation, we should also segue into plot, and that’s something we can do easily enough by looking at our villain, Ultron. Calling Ultron an actual character feels...ambitious. He’s a CGI robot full of empty rhetoric and, you guessed it, more of those quips that this movie has in place of any meaningful dialogue. I’d call him self-fellating, but he ain’t got nothing to fellate, so instead he just blathers a lot in a manner that sounds vaguely poetically intelligent but is, upon a moment’s consideration, just vapid nonsense (much like Loki in the first Avengers, as noted above, but at least Loki had the benefit of a flesh-and-blood actor delivering his lines with conviction; James Spader does solid work as the voice of Ultron, but trying to make a CGI robot who spouts a school-kid’s attempt at edgy philosophy sound like a genuine menace is an uphill battle). Speaking of genuine menace, I assume the reason the film is called Age of Ultron is because A Couple of Days of Ultron Causing Disturbances in a Handful of Specific Locations was too much. For all the big talk (and there is..so much), Ultron doesn’t get up to all that much trouble, most notably in the sense that he apparently has his code all over the internet and yet he doesn’t bother stirring up a single ounce of chaos with that ungodly power. Why bother including this as an element of the character if it achieves zero story? Is it purely to make Ultron seem ~unstoppable~ because he keeps downloading into new robots? Because it didn’t really land, y’all. They try to play it like a big victory for the good guys when Vision burns Ultron out of the ‘net, but in context it’s meaningless because he didn’t do anything while he was there. Pretty much everything about Ultron was all talk, little to no action - even a whole bunch of the trouble he did cause happened off-screen, with Maria Hill just popping in to let us know that ‘there are reports of metal men stealing shit’. Cheers, cool. And you know, Ultron makes a song and dance about how he’s going to save the world by ‘ending the Avengers’, but then he...does not pursue that at all. He tries to make himself a pretty body, the Avengers thwart him, and then he enacts a doomsday machine to destroy all life on Earth. Like every other aspect of the character, the whole ‘end the Avengers’ schtick is just white noise, there’s no meaning in it. Ultron is just a same-old-same ‘What if Artificial Intelligence wants to WIPE US OUT?!’ cliche, and maybe that’s what he was in the comics too, I don’t know, but it’s the job of the film to tell that story in a dynamic way, and they had two and a half hours to do it. And yet.

There should be more to this than a nondescript placeholder villain concept and a series of action set pieces that just kinda happen until they stop. At least the first Avengers had some variety in each of its action sequences, using the location and the different skills and weapons of its antagonists, whereas this one is just ‘there are robots and the good guys punched and shot them until they were all broken, the end’. Even making the city fly in the end doesn’t actually make it interesting, not least because the characters spend most of their time running around the (weirdly, perfectly stable) streets not having to deal with any consequences of being up in the air anyway, and the doomsday device is too nebulous to ratchet up any real tension about figuring out how to deal with it. The conflicts with the Maximoff twins have at least some spark of life in them, but the characters themselves are treated to an over-simplified and very contrived narrative arc that uses what they do and what they know more as plot devices than as details of actual people’s lives, leading to a cheap death for Pietro so that Wanda will be distracted enough to abandon the big ol’ doomsday button, and it’s just all so convenient. There’s no heart in any of it, and it makes the moments that try to have heart all the more embarrassing and out-of-place (don’t even get me started on what a prescribed attempt at tugging the heart-strings it is to have Hawkeye name his magnificently well-timed newborn after Pietro, because DAMN). When I said I liked this movie better than the first Avengers, I meant just that: I like this better. That’s not to suggest that it is significantly better in any sense, because it isn’t, and I can’t even argue that this one has a better story, because honestly, it doesn’t. The first film made more sense, it was just less interesting to watch, and the things about it that were contrived were contrived in different ways. The first film was weaker and more irritating on character, and character is always the most important part of a story for me, so as annoyed as I am by the major character blunders in Age of Ultron, I’m still not as annoyed as I was after The Avengers. That is damning with the faintest of praise; this is just not a particularly good movie, it makes a poor use of its cast at the best of times, delivers a sub-par action extravaganza, and the script is not half as witty as it gleefully convinces itself that it is. It comes as no surprise, I’m sure, that I am very glad a certain writer/director departed the franchise after disappointing everyone with this outing. I say I like this better than the first Avengers, but gee, it’s a close call.

#Avengers: Age of Ultron #Marvel Cinematic Universe #Bechdel Test #female representation #MCU #Age of Ultron #Avengers

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taeguboi · 7 years

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“Tease” [TaeJin Fluff/Smut] PART 01

Pairing - BTS V / Taehyung ¦¦ Jin / Seokjin

Summary: What happens when the social butterfly gets a fluttering feeling of his own?

Kim Seokjin. The reason Taehyung has been visiting the local entertainment store daily without fail for the past 2 weeks. At best, the variety the vicinity had to offer was mediocre for Taehyung’s eclectic music tastes and was usually exceptional enough to drop into once a fortnight or something...

Since the arrival of the new employee however, his money had been squandered on: 2 deluxe versions of CDs he already has, 5 DVDs, a pair of headphones - perhaps the only thing he actually needed - and 4 posters that sadly stand rolled up in the corner of his room, like Christmas wrapping paper that you forget about when you’ve bought too much of it, buying to gift 30 people and then realizing you have 4 friends to buy for…

But he doesn’t mind. Every trip so far has proved worthwhile, never failing to conjure up a conversation with the cutie behind the till who has surprisingly been on shift there every time… it’s almost too perfect.

Entering the store once more on a quiet Friday evening, after college as always, Taehyung paces straight to the end of the first aisle down which he can see Seokjin knelt restocking the vinyl shelves. He should be used to this by now, approaching the guy, but there’s this adrenaline that fills his system every time he is about to greet the man.

“Hello stranger” Taehyung coyly smiles, looking down onto the attractive broad shoulders of the elder.

Now, usually Taehyung would only go for someone more around his own age, specifically the cute little mochi with the Busan accent that used to work at the local convenience store down the road from his house that sadly moved out of town… He swears to God if this guy moves away too, he’s resorting to online shopping…

They’ve talked about everything over the past days - culture, food, sports, tv… you name it, and it’s given Taehyung sufficient knowledge about his newfound crush, bar the mystery of the man’s sexuality,

“Ah, I was wondering when you would come over here first” Seokjin asserts, flustering Taehyung a tad.

There was a truth to that, Taehyung can’t deny; just coming into the store more often than usual was courageous enough for Taehyung. You wouldn’t think it if you saw him around college, socializing with literally everyone on the premises, but when he spots a guy he really likes, that confidence just disappears and he’s a completely different person.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” Taehyung knowingly smirks in response.

He knows he’s a sucker for a cute guy and when he falls, he falls hard; always has, always will, the most cringe-worthy example being in the final year of high school when he had this huge thing for the school prodigy Jeon Jeongguk who was placed in a lot of Taehyung’s classes… He was such a boisterous, informal teenager that could talk to everyone and anyone, until this guy sat next to him one day and bam - jelly legs, empty stomach, dizzy head…

“Although this does mean you’ve already broken our little tradition…” Seokjin replies, bringing himself to his feet. “But since the store is so dead today, there’s little point in beating around the bush… Now, how can I help you today?”

“I’m thinking of just chilling out on the couch tonight with a film, so…”

“Then allow me to escort you to the film aisle” Seokjin jests, bowing his head down and pointing in the right direction, to which Taehyung chuckles as he leads the way.

The boys pace minutely across the floor, engaging in conversation about the different films and tv series that Taehyung points at

“See, I really like stuff like this,” Taehyung begins, picking up a copy of an earlier series of the anime Detective Conan, “and it would be ace to collect stuff like this, but I kind of think it’s worthless when it’s all available online, like I don’t think it’s good enough to pay for when it’s all free…”

“Yeah, I feel you man, like some things are worth buying even when they’re available for free online, and it’s nicer to have a solid copy of something, but there are some series that can feel a little repetitive in that sense I suppose… So like what you have there, I feel is more something that is nice to watch one or two episodes of to kill an hour or take a break from a challenging task… I probably shouldn’t be saying this when I work in a store like this though, right?” Seokjin laughs.

They move onto the film section of the DVD aisle, inspecting the shelves that hold special offers. All the ‘classics’ that everyone has known and seen that show up on normal tv channels every weekend… With some exceptions.

“Ah…” Seokjin mildly grins, pointing at a darker dvd case. “Have you seen it?”

“Uh, I… Yes” Taehyung hesitantly replies, not wanting to seem like a complete and utter pervert as he registers which DVD Seokjin is talking about…

“Everyone always raves about it, but I don’t know… What did you think of it?”

Taehyung at this point is having an internal freak out right now. How is Seokjin asking these questions so calmly and seriously? Taehyung hasn’t even had time to contemplate whether he will be comfortable talking about such topics around this guy… Why must he have pointed at that film in particular? Why not just have a perfectly innocent conversation about one of the action films or something? Okay, technically that film is action, but not the James Bond kind of action… Kind of.

“It was… alright I guess?” Taehyung replies uncertainly, figuring that he’s going to have to force himself to be a bit more open about himself if he wants this crush to go anywhere, or at the very least get answers to the questions that run in his mind.

“Look, I’ll be perfectly honest here with you Seokjin, I don’t exactly… Let’s just say it’s not something I can engage with…” It’s very indirect and ambiguous but Taehyung hopes that’s enough to put across to Seokjin his orientation.

Of course, Seokjin is quite an intelligent man, Taehyung has gathered, and he seems to pick up the meaning, indicated by his tone “Oh, right, I see…” and what he says next all confuses, intrigues and scares Taehyung “I get you there, man, completely… She isn’t quite everyone’s type, is she?”

‘What does that mean?!? Is he like me… he said he gets me? What does he mean by ‘not quite everyone’s type’? Not everyone’s type by personality, appearance or gender? This is mental…’

“Um, no…”

“I’ll admit, I can relate to the guy in a roundabout kind of way, but… Just not with her… Simply put, you can’t really beat a dick, can you?”

‘Wow. Fuck. Fuck. This is escalating SO fast! Why is he being like this? Has he clocked on that I fancy him more than a big juicy steak being offered to a starving dog?... Omo Tae! Quit it with those thoughts!... He’s playing me, isn’t he? He’s fucking playing me…’

“Um, no, I guess not” Taehyung utters with a stiff smile that could easily be translated as an awkward smile of admittance rather than nervousness.

This shouldn’t be a problem at all, Taehyung figures. They’ve spoken about everything and anything lately and have become quite comfortable around each other… Yet this is real. This is Taehyung’s crush having a discussion based on sex; this makes Taehyung feel all sorts of things.

“Sorry, that was a little weird” Seokjin apologises. “I just… I guess I feel comfortable around you, that’s all… I don’t really talk to many people about…”

“Your sexuality?”

“Yeah.”

“Neither do I really…” Taehyung confesses. “‘Wasn’t even planning to come out at school, you know, until I kind of made things really obvious with this one guy around…”

“Oh dude! That’s like literally how I knew what I was, you know. Like one day, you’re thinking about what x times y could mean whilst trying to ignore your acknowledgement of a super hot classmate in your algebra lesson… and then you realise that x times y is basically xy…”

An awkward silence takes its place in the flow of conversation for a second as Taehyung fails to recognise the reference.

“Like the chromosome…?... Sorry, I’m just blabbering shit now…”

“No need to apologise, I, uh… it’s actually kind of a relief for me” Taehyung manages to admit.

“A relief? How so?”

This is it. The moment in which Taehyung is about to either make a complete fool of himself, or say the sentence that could be the start of something cool.

“I guess I’ve been wondering…” is all Taehyung musters before leaving another silence in the air.

Taehyung’s brain comes to a stand still. His fear of rejection is proving to be a barrier, stopping him from proceeding any further. He urges himself to continue, having already gotten nearer to confessing to Seokjin than he has with any other guy before. It would be a shame to stop when he’s come this far.

“So have I, actually…” Seokjin pipes up. “This… this is kinda nice, and… I’m gonna come clean here; I may have been picking up extra shifts this week…”

“Really?” Taehyung enquires, now feeling much more at ease that he doesn’t have to worry himself with what to say next. “Well, in that case, I have a confession to make also…”

“How many of the things that you’ve purchased here over the past few weeks are things you actually wanted?”

Taehyung chuckles, unashamed now to be called out on his frequent visits “I mean, there was the headphones…” he pauses. “Ah, that’s it” he concludes, hands in pockets, looking down at the floor, unsure where to look.

“Are you free after my shift?” Seokjin asks, causing Taehyung to lift his head back up. “I’d like to talk more outside of this same old place.”

“Of course” Taehyung grins.

“I’m really glad you like music, Taehyung.”

“I’m really glad I like music too, Seokjin.”

“Wait outside for me, yeah?” the elder winks, wandering away down the aisle and toward the till where he has noticed a customer ready to pay.

There aren’t many places to go at 6.30 on a Friday evening, and when you’ve only known one another for just under a fortnight, suggesting going back to one of the other’s house would seem a bit off… So here they sit, in front of some garage door at a parking lot, looking onto the city traffic.

“It’s strangely therapeutic, huh?” Seokjin asks, admiring the aesthetic of the lights with the dull evening sky.

“Yeah, I guess it kind of is; it’s quiet and away from people, yet you wouldn’t go crazy from the loneliness because people are getting on with their lives right over there.”

“So, sorry if this is weird and completely random, but it’s just that I’m eager about finally being able to talk to someone who can relate… How was it telling your parents about…?”

“About me being gay? I kind of didn’t tell them really, I just brought a boy home one day and formally introduced him as one would with a girlfriend and they kind of just gathered from there... How was it for you?”

“Probably the other end of the reaction spectrum!” Seokjin laughs with embarrassment.

“It wasn’t that bad was it?”

“I mean, it’s one of those things that a funny to look back on, but dreadfully humiliating at the time…”

“Seokjinnie, stop stalling and tell me!” Taehyung demands, playfully tapping Seokjin’s shoulder.

“Oh!” Seokjin gasps positively. “Is that a nickname for me?”

“Hmm… maybe” Taehyung leans forward with a grin. “Do you like it?”

“Hmm… maybe” Seokjin repeats back, also leaning in forward quite close so that the two boys’ noses almost touch

“Well you won’t be hearing it anymore if you don’t tell me” Taehyung backs away with a laugh, leaning backwards to rest his head against the garage door.

“So I kind of underestimated how intrusive my family can be…”

“Oh no, they found everything, didn’t they?” Taehyung asks with much empathy in his tone, tilting his head back upright, figuring that he would like to admire Seokjin’s facial features as he explains his story.

“Right down to these weird beads that I never even ended up using!”

“Oh right? I actually kind of like those ones…” Taehyung admits, then wondering why the heck those words just left his mouth...

“Well, you see, I prefer to stick to the front…” Seokjin openly states. “Stop me talking at any time if you want by the way, I understand this isn’t exactly what could be viewed as appropriate conversation material…”

“No, no, carry on. I just like talking to you” Taehyung beams.

“I feel awkward now because I stopped the flow of talking about the subject by directly mentioning it…”

“Somehow, I’ll try and continue for you then…” Taehyung manages to assert, rather surprised, yet pleased, at how he’s managing to come out of his shell more around a cute guy. “So by sticking to the front, is that just out of laziness, or…?”

“Uh, no, actually… I’d say far from it, in fact” Seokjin interrupts. “I… I often use my imagination to like make things feel more… real… and since I know my own preferences, it just sometimes started to seem kind of weird and not as great when I would… put something inside…”

Suddenly Taehyung feels feverish as different conclusions conjure in his head, all of a similar nature. Unsure of what he would have had Seokjin down as, if he had given it some prior thought, Taehyung doesn’t know what to do with this information and its potential meaning…

“I suppose although in reality, I’m a bit of a switch, in my fantasies… I’m mostly the dominant one; it gives me such a sense of excitement, you know, to be essentially in control of someone else’s pleasure when I…”

Taehyung interrupts Seokjin by urgently leaning in forward and presses his lips against the elder’s. He can’t take it anymore; these feelings for Seokjin were overwhelming before today as it was without all this talk about Seokjin’s sexual preferences… it’s such a turn on and too much for Taehyung that it has come to this; having to stop Seokjin in his tracks before his words have too much of an effect on him… Although in this moment, Taehyung is unsure as to whether he’s really made matters that much simpler for himself at all…

Though the kiss is forced and very in the moment, it also manages to have a tender side to it with the new and compelling feeling of Seokjin’s supple, smaller pout against Taehyung’s wider, yet still full, lips that might still be a little dry from the lack of focus he has had on himself. Taehyung’s large hand cups Seokjin’s smooth cheek which eventually releases itself of tension upon registering the intense moment.

Seokjin allows sufficient time to appreciate the kiss before backing away to speak “See, there was a reason I pointed out that DVD earlier, you know…” he begins, running his index finger along Taehyung’s chest, pausing at a button. “I can be terrible for acting in this way, I know…”

“You are indeed terrible Seokjinnie…” Taehyung agrees, running his thumb gently along Seokjin’s cheek bone. “You’re trying to get me worked up on purpose, aren’t you?... You’re not even going to be surprised when I tell you…”

“...That all this talk about sex has affected you more than it should have?”

“Uh-huh” Taehyung instantly admits without any sense of dignity or patience, feeling humid now even though the evening air is rather breezy.

Seokjin leans back in so that his forehead presses against Taehyung’s and he closes his eyes. He can hear Taehyung’s shaky breath that he receives as nervousness, causing Seokjin to open his eyes to take in the appearance of the boy in front of him.

As Taehyung runs his tongue around his lips to give them moisture, languidly blinking a couple of times, Seokjin just has to draw Taehyung back in for another kiss by hooking his finger into Taehyung’s shirt to pull him in. This time, there is much more fire and intensity, so as Seokjin crashes his lips against Taehyung’s, the latter returns the sensation, turning the kiss into a passionate one.

A passionate kiss turns into a passionate make out as Seokjin increases the intensity by taking in the taste of Taehyung with a loose tongue, and in turn, Taehyung explores all that is Seokjin, tracing his hands along Seokjin’s neck, down to his shoulders, then his upper arms, lingering with a firm grip for a while before travelling his hands further down to lace his fingers between Seokjin’s.

Some more gentle kisses are exchanged between the two before Taehyung manages to shift his weight to lean and rise over Seokjin, guiding him back to rest his back against the cool brick wall that borders the garage door. Taehyung positions his knees on either side of Seokjin’s thighs, allowing more intimate contact… Possibly more intimate than the younger bargained for as his slowly hardening member presses up against Seokjin’s stomach, eliciting a muted hiss from the tip of his tongue and through gritted teeth.

“Oh man, this sucks…” Taehyung states with a nervous laugh, throwing his head back in frustration.

“I know right…?... It seems my plan has backfired on me if I’m honest with you…” Seokjin desperately replies with a low tone, breath shaky.

No more words are spoken as they continue to plant kisses on each other’s lips, taking shallow breaths between each. It’s getting increasingly difficult for either to contain themselves as each is getting more and more aroused with each second that drags by.

Seokjin can feel Taehyung’s perfect lips getting softer and his breath hitching more with each touch the elder gives him, from a caress of the face, to a needy grip of the hair at the nape of his neck, and especially as Seokjin runs his fingers down Taehyung’s back. It becomes a constant fight between Seokjin and his urge to completely have his way with Taehyung here and now… after all, they’re in a public place…

“Definitely backfiring” Seokjin repeats the second Taehyung presses his weight against Seokjin’s now sensitive crotch.

“Maybe we could set up camp here...I’ve built something of a tent in my trousers…” Taehyung jests, attempting to relieve the two of their hunger for each other by adding some humour to the atmosphere.

“Now if only we did have an actual tent though… That would solve our little problem…”

“I know I’m probably getting myself in way too deep here but…” Taehyung begins, wrapping his arms around Seokjin’s neck. “Hypothetically, what would you do if it was just us two in a tent?...” he enquires, raising his eyebrows.

“Well that all depends…”

“On what?”

“On what you like…”

“I would like to hear more about ‘in control’ Seokjin… It sounds… hmm…” he hums, tilting his head playfully “...hot.”

“Well then…” Seokjin rasps, tilting his head to the opposite side to allow his breath to be felt upon Taehyung’s lips which breaths of anticipation escape past. “First, I’d tease you relentlessly, pretending to be unknowing of how I’m making you feel… I like to tease, you see; I like to see what effect I can have on someone before I’ve even started… I have to have that sense of excelling in making someone want me for me before I get too eager to take all my clothes off…”

“How would you tease me?” the younger asks, planting a single kiss against the elder’s lips.

“Hmm…” Seokjin ponders. “Well, I must reach out to all your senses, so a combination of things… Starting with more subtle things such as unnecessarily licking my lips for you, and maybe other poses and gestures that are seemingly innocent on the surface…” he informs as he indeed parallels his words by moistening his lips.

“...So that’s why you’d always gaze into the air seductively when you would claim to be thinking about something…” Taehyung responds.

“What do you mean ‘claim to be thinking’?” Seokjin questions. “I could hardly have been thinking about nothing could I? That’s imposs…”

“Alright, you know what I meant…” the younger rectifies. “That you probably weren’t thinking about the things you said you were like restocking, and…”

“I guess you got me there…”

“I bet you were thinking about making your face look as… as luscious as possible…”

“Then I’d kick it up a notch” Seokjin interrupts. “ I’d react to things with moans, an ‘accidental’ brush against your skin, and again, it’d seem innocent and unintentional… But I always know exactly what I’m doing…” he growls

“Damn right you would…” murmurs Taehyung.

“How easily would you give in Tae?...” Seokjin asks with a grunt, dropping his head back against the wall. “Would you be patient and resilient…” he begins to ask, lifting his head back up to make direct eye contact, “or would you falter at the first gesture?...”

“You have the looks of a model and the aura of a stud… Of course I would give in…” Taehyung declares, confidently maintaining eye contact.

“Are you weak for me Taehyungie?”

“I really am… Especially now you’re talking like this… Damn, I wish we could be somewhere else!” Taehyung sobs subtly.

“Me too… You’d make such beautiful noises, I know you would… I just wonder how much I could change that killer deep voice of yours…”

Seokjin was intending to carry on with the talk, but stops as Taehyung stumbles to his feet and holds a hand out, offering to help Seokjin stand. Instead of reaching a hand back out, Seokjin just looks up at Taehyung with a confused expression.

“We need to move away from here” Taehyung states, eyes glancing left and right wearily.

“Where to?” Seokjin enquires, finally taking a hold of Taehyung’s hand and bringing himself up on his feet.

“We’ll figure something out” Taehyung replies, beginning to move one foot in front of the other, causing Seokjin to follow, still holding on to the younger’s hot sweaty palm.

The boys travel with urgency and desperation, almost brisk walking and staggering on the tips of their toes across the car park.

Leading out onto a main street through they walk down there quite innocently, now properly holding hands, fingers intertwined, Seokjin making sure to be on the outer side nearer to the road, almost as if he is protecting the younger. The city lights that have a recent glow to them seem hazy under the heavy eyes of the two infatuated boys that seek privacy to fulfil each other’s desires.

“It’s kind of ridiculous how few places one can actually get away from the world in peace, huh?; considering that everyone out here is minding there own business, not even caring for what goes on in the distance” states Taehyung, still scanning the streets for even a hint to the answer he seeks.

“I guess so… I suppose really it’s just because the chance of being caught is still there nonetheless, causing us to be more wary” answers Seokjin. “Um, you can tell me if I’m being way too forward here, but… We’re actually not far from where I live…”

Taehyung flashes Seokjin an inviting smile “Man, why didn’t you say that earlier?”

“As I told you Tae…” Seokjin grins, tightening the grip on Taehyung’s hand and now swaying the control of the path they lead to his instruction, “I’m a bit of a tease…”

Seokjin leads as the boys rush through the gateway and the elder searches the pocket of his hoodie for the house key. The lock rattles as Seokjin’s shaky hand attempts to unlock the door

“Nice place you’ve got!...” Taehyung exclaims.

Seokjin hushes the younger boy: “There’s one thing I should have mentioned before; there’s like a 50-50 chance that my housemate will be in….” he explains, cut off by a voice unknown to Taehyung.

“Hey Seokjin, man! What time do you…” A face appears to be paired with the voice and the housemate registers the arrival of a guest and stops in his tracks.

The housemate appears to be just as enthusiastic about music as Taehyung himself is, the latter notes, observing the headphones that rest around the boy’s neck.

“Ah, Yoongi, this is Taehyung…” Hesitantly, Seokjin tries to introduce his guest to his house mate “He’s my… friend…”

“Alright…” Yoongi unsurely voices. “Nice to meet you Taehyung. Don’t mean to be rude but I.... was... actually... about to go to bed… yeah, so…”

“Perfect!” Seokjin is quick to say out loud. “Uh… I mean, cool, yeah” he corrects to which Yoongi lets out a chuckle.

“You kids have fun” Yoongi tells the two, obviously having caught on to the nature of Seokjin and Taehyung’s relationship. He exits swiftly, placing his headphones over his ears.

Seokjin awkwardly looks down to the floor whilst Yoongi exits to his room as Taehyung lifts Seokjin’s chin with his index finger and the younger raises his eyebrows suggestively once eye contact is made.

“I don’t know why you’re raising your ‘brows at me like that Taehyungie… We’re gonna have to be hella quiet; are you sure you can handle that?”

“Looks like I’m going to have to, doesn’t it?” the younger smiles back, taking a hold of Seokjin’s hand.

Part 2 coming soon [hopefully]

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idealisticrealism · 7 years

Text

Blindspot 2x22 recap

(Aka the one where they stop Phase 2 and Jeller finally get their act together)

Delayed by long work hours, an interstate trip for a traditional Indian engagement ceremony (which was AWESOME), and not in the least by my complete inability to deal with any of this episode at all ever.

There is so much screaming ahead, oh my god.

Alright kids, buckle up. This is gonna be a long ride.

Aaand we're back with Weller and Keaton in the Doomsday bunker, and you just know it's gotta be the end of the world when these two are willingly teaming up. As much as I still hate what Keaton did (like really, really hate it), I have to say I really enjoy his and Weller's dynamic as reluctant partners. I also enjoy that Weller is waaay taller than Keaton, and that he's the more dominant one in the pair, with Keaton totally following along like a lil sidekick. Damn straight, son. Know your place, which-- except for this brief excursion-- is in the trash. And okay tbh I would have actually been a little bit intrigued to see what the ‘New America’ would have been like with the COGS in command? I mean it’s not like the current governing body is doing a particularly stellar job.... plus I always really liked Julia Chang and Agent Valentine... and we all know Weller is a great leader. Too bad he and Keaton couldn't have included those two ladies in their little escape plan tho, that would have been a badass team. But obviously we have no idea who is Sandstorm here and who isn't. It's interesting that Weller chose to trust Keaton-- like could he really be sure Keaton wasn't one of them? Though I guess Keaton nearly lost a daughter through his involvement with one of the tattoos, so that makes him being Sandstorm fairly unlikely. And he had Jane for months, so surely he would have just taken her to Shepherd. Anyway lol I love that Keaton practically has to run to keep up with Weller's long, determined strides. And when Keaton is slowing him down with questions etc, Weller’s all like SHUT UP AND MOVE, I GOTTA GET BACK TO MY TEAM. And ugh Keaton, bless you you little jerk: "Your team, or Jane?" Um, why not both?? He can care about both. But lbr mostly Jane tho. But omg I love Weller's 'excuse u??' face as Keaton is calling him out on basically not trusting anyone-- except for Jane, despite everything that’s happened. Uhhh, it's because he looooves her, idiot. And he's kinda sorta almost sure she loves him too. Maybe. Hopefully. Which is all the more reason to get back to her so he can find out. And lol he just shuts down the conversation and continues looking for a phone and Keaton just like rolls his eyes and follows haha. Oh Keaton, you’re a pile of trash but you’re our pile of trash

Ughhhhhhh now Jane is wandering in Weller's office, leaving him yet another in what is obviously a string of voicemails. Like I wonder when she started calling? I assume this is in the morning after the attacks, so he's probably been gone a max of like ten to twelve hours so far. Like I wonder if she called him sometime last night-- maybe she couldn't sleep and just wanted to hear his voice?? But she couldn't get through-- presumably bc he was on a plane or in a meeting or something-- so she just called a couple of times just to listen to his voice on the voicemail message. And eventually she drifts off to sleep, expecting to wake to a message from him-- except there's nothing, and so she calls again, the worry starting to set in. And now here she is, leaving another message, admitting that she's worried about him. It's only been a matter of hours since they were together but already it's so hard for her to be separated from him. And then ugh she's standing over his desk, staring at it like she’s trying to make him appear behind it, when ooooh the new director appears. Tbh I like her instantly-- that soft Southern accent, her genuine consideration of Jane's wellbeing, her tininess but clear boss-attitude... I feel like she’s going to be good for the team. And then ugh Jane immediately asks her about Weller and ughhhh my baby is so worrieddddd about her maaannnn. And then omg Hirst acknowledges that Nas' deal made Jane practically a prisoner-- so glad to hear someone other than Roman pointing this out! And aww she offers her her freedom, and the ability to go anywhere in the world-- and so where does Jane's mind immediately go with those words? To her dream of her future life with Kurt, together and happy, of course. Good lord, Gero, how did you just hit me so hard with literally like two seconds of footage?? And then ugh "I'm a part of this team". I want to cry because it’s so true; Jane belongs here, and she knows it. Bc lbr, Nas' deal might have made her a prisoner of sorts, but this is Jane. If Jane wanted to go, she could have escaped. Jane CHOSE to be right where she is. I do love Hirst's concern though; she sees Jane as a person who deserves to choose her own path, telling her that she needs to ask herself what she truly wants. And oooohhh yeahhhhh you just know that this is going to be a big theme of the episode, with Jane knowing what her instinctive answer is but not knowing if she can actually have it....

Lol at the little tech coming up to talk to Big Boss Patterson-- who is like an old, battle-weary sergeant now, the kind who walks with a limp and stares off into space puffing a cigar as they make vague, trailing statements about 'back before the war...'. But anyhow, the tech tells her about the explosives testing, and Patterson guesses correctly what was used and is all "I know my plastic explosives" and blows the tech's mind a lil bit. God, all of her staff must have such a crush on her. Except maybe Stuart, who is too busy being terrified. Poor boy. And then Jane comes to her and offers to help, but Patterson shuts her down a little bit, grimly telling her it's already over-- but then she sees Jane's face and shakes herself out of it, because Jane doesn't deserve her jagged edges right now. Jane has gone through every step of this right there beside her, going through the same hell she has. And ugh I love the way she softens and apologises and then Jane reaches out to her about whether she would leave or stay, given the choice-- and ughhh I can’t deal with the way Jane is looking at her, like she's desperately hoping to hear that she should stay, that she's wanted, that Patterson knows the team would hate to see her leave-- but instead Patterson just tells her she deserves to do what she wants. Which is also true, but also carefully on the fence, without nudging her one way or the other. And then ughhhhhh “What if this is what I want?”, because it is. She may have ended up here through means outside her control, but this is home. This is where she has a purpose, where she has a family. Where she belongs. But Patterson challenges her on it, and she's kinda right; Jane doesn't know anything else. And I think Patterson would hate it if Jane were to stay-- to give up all other possibilities of a happy life-- purely because this was comfortable or she was scared or felt obligated to stay. And on one hand I'm surprised by Patterson's blunt attitude, and the way it seems like she's pushing Jane to go-- but she just wants her to be SURE. She wants her to fully think things through, to know that their little team-- their little world-- may not always stay the same forever. Reade may soon be gone, and Weller does have a baby on the way, one that he might decide he wants to be closer to, now that their battle with Sandstorm is over. Plus they have no idea what direction Hirst will take the team in. And ughhhh I just want to hug Jane, because she was hoping for reassurance and instead only feels more lost, especially at the thought of Weller leaving. Oh, honey. Just because Patterson MIGHT turn out to be right doesn't mean you should give up on the things you want... And ugh Patterson herself looks dejected and so tired and ugh my babies let me wrap you up in blankets and cuddle you foreverrrrr

I find it hilarious that Weller and Keaton have been able to just wander freely around this top-secret bunker without any army dudes trying to stop them. Tbh I thought they'd be a little more supervised? And they find an old rotary-dial telephone (man I remember using one of those) and a large transmitter thingie which Keaton conveniently knows how to use. Handy. Good work letting him tag along, Weller. And then of course he immediately calls Patterson, who kinda wastes a little time by being confused by the area code-- this is not the time, girl! Also lol good thing she's not like me, and actually answers her phone for unknown numbers. But then aaahhh he's telling her that Phase 2 isn't over and then BAM Keaton nearly gets shot in the head. Excuse you, beardy guy, but no one is allowed to hurt our Keaton but us! And then ugh New Beardy is Sandstorm (sigh, of course, I mean he’s literally directly from their mold) and is about to execute them both when Keaton distracts him just enough for Weller to throw the phone at his head. God I love watching Weller throw things at people. Also lol good thing the cord was long enough to reach... And oooh now it's two-on-one and I'm actually really enjoying watching Keaton and Weller fight together. Just for today, they are 100% on the same team and they will have each other's backs. Also I find it ironic that Weller saves Keaton from being choked to death? Ah, how things change... (Doesn't mean he wouldn't still let his wifey beat the crap out of you though, Keaton). And well, at least now they have a keycard to escape with? Literally though I have so many questions about what's going to happen once they're outside. Like, isn't this some deserted mountain fortress that Weller had to fly to get to? Won't they be surrounded by army dudes?? But no matter, bc no force in the world could stop Weller from getting back to Jane. Ain't no mountain high, ain’t no valley low...

Awwww Reade is still in his bloody clothes-- he's sat by Zapata's bed all night. My baaabies. And ugh the moment she wakes she's like “Did we get Shepherd?/This isn't over" and tbh idk how she knows (gut feeling?) but she's right. And I so wish we got to see her response when Reade got the call from Patterson, telling him what Weller said? And ugh now the team-- or what's left of it, just the three of them-- is in the bullpen, desperately trying to figure out what's about to happen. And ugh Jane immediately wants to find and rescue Weller, but surprisingly it's Reade who steps up (trying to do Dad proud, lbr) and says they'll focus on Sandstorm instead, just as Weller would want. And ugh together they realise that yesterday's bombings prompted a huge security meeting today a the White House, where many government bigwigs will be attending-- just like they do after every major attack. The perfect way to wipe out the whole government is by getting them all in the same room. And then ugh again Reade takes it on himself to be fill-in Weller, giving the orders and going to brief Hirst. Makes sense, given that Patterson is far too important and busy to play messenger haha, and Jane doesn't quite have the FBI cred yet. And ugh good thing the two ladies are left to work together bc they figure out that the explosives Sandstorm used are also rocket fuel, and luckily they know just the person to question about it. It's a good throwback to the last Rich episode, bringing back the Riley guy that we have already known is linked to Sandstorm. And the team is intimidating the shit out of him in the conference room, working hard to break him, when suddenly the SIOC elevators open, and Weller and Keaton step out, fresh from their great escape. Man, I so wish we got to see the particulars of that adventure. I bet it was badass. Or maybe it involved just a bit of badass action as they stole an army jeep, but then got kind of embarrassingly dull as they had to roadtrip together in silence back to NYC. Ah, the awkwardness. But anyhow Jane immediately sees Weller-- lbr, she's been keeping half an eye on that elevator all day-- and ugh I can’t deal with the way she says his name, initially in disbelief, then more loudly as she realises she's not seeing things, that he's really there. And ughhhhhhh kill me now because she legit runs across the bullpen, breath escaping in a relieved little laugh, and literally throws her arms around his neck and holds onto him tightly and ughhh he never got any of her messages so it's almost a surprise to him that she's so relieved to see him, and ughhh since their kiss last night it's like one more wall has crumbled from between them-- I mean, before that kiss she wouldn't have dared to be so open in leaving him worried messages or throwing herself into his arms in the middle of the bullpen but now this is how they are, this is them, (lol Patterson and Reade must be like 'well this is new... but not at all surprising' haha) and ugh he holds her close and they rock a little (rude) and ughhh the little puppy-whimper noise she lets out just kills me. And the way she shakes her head a little to clear it, like she's trying to steady herself, and her "I thought you were..." and ughhhh it kills me so much that she would have had to acknowledge the possibility that he was dead, that getting the message out to them had cost him his life, and she would never see him again... and ugh he assures them (her) that he's alright and gets straight to business. I love that when he calls Keaton over (who, lbr, was probably standing over there shaking his head like 'be more in love with each other I dare you'), Jane is all 'wtf??' and I kinda love that she literally didn't even notice that one of her arch-nemeses was only a few yards away bc til now she had been able to see nothing but Weller. And ugh I wish we got to see Weller's face here, because her eyes barely leave his even as Keaton approaches and ugh I bet he gives her this apologetic look and little nod and it's enough for her; she will always hate Keaton but she trusts Kurt, trusts that he wouldn't ever bring someone like him near her unless it was unavoidable, and ugh our babies are reunited and that’s all that mattersssss

So the team heads back to the lab, joined by their new members-- that cool aunt who is all ladylike and lovely on the surface but will literally beat someone's ass into the dirt and dispose of the body if they dared lay a finger on you, and that awkward cousin who has always been kind of an asshole in order to cover up his insecurities, but has grown up a bit and now is actually trying to be less of a shitbag-- and their focus turns to the last remaining pieces of the puzzle: the still-unused guidance chip, and Shepherd herself. Jane mentions that Shepherd was in Thailand the week before, putting Keaton in the spotlight when he explains that the CIA picked up intel on nuclear material being stolen-- leading to a little squabble between the kids until Aunty Hirst steps in and puts her probably-cowboy-booted foot down. Weller pairs Reade with Keaton, which isn't exactly a deliberate punishment on Reade but hey, two birds one stone. Patterson is tasked to keep finding info to use on Riley. Jane doesn't get given a specific job, but turns and leaves when all the others do-- I guess she assumed Weller would be heading out as well? I'm just surprised she didn't wait for him, tbh. Though maybe Keaton's presence just has her on edge. More likely tho, it was just a choice by the show’s director to have Jane conveniently out of the room for the upcoming conversation. Weller's so cute, literally checking that everyone is gone before asking Patterson about Hirst. And ugh bless my baby's heart, she gives a concise assessment of Hirst (’maverick’ is an interesting choice of term; you wouldn't think someone would get to her level by playing outside the rules) and then tells Weller that she's going to release Jane. And oooohh my boy gets his crinkly face on because ??Wifey is leaving??? Does not compute??? And ugh the stunned look on his face and the disbelieving 'why??' just kill me because he's literally reeling from this news, unable to even process how it could be happening when they had just finally found their way back to each other and ugh he must be wondering if it was the kiss, aka him, that somehow sparked her decision and ugh my poor boy is so distressed-- and then Patterson is all 'well yeah I kinda told her to go' and ooooh big bro is NOT PLEASED. How dare his little sis do this?? But ugh she calls him Kurt (literally has she ever called him that before?? Bc if she has I don't remember) and oooohhh she drops the truth bomb on him that Jane didn't choose this life (I think he forgets that sometimes? Like to him Jane is just such an intrinsic part of the team and what they do, that he forgets that she came to them through less-than-voluntary circumstances), and she suggests if he's got something to say to Jane he should do it now, allowing her to make her decision with all the facts. OOOOHHHH, TEN MILLION POINTS TO PATTERSON. This kind of forceful Jeller-encouragement almost makes up for all the Jeller-interrupting she's done in the past year haha. Almost. Now go on Weller, listen to your lil sis....

Aww poor Zapata is not having an easy time sitting on the sidelines. I feel you, girl. And then she realises from Reade's tone on the phone that something else is going on, and she'll be damned if she's not going to be there with her team for it. Also lol she rips out her drip and somehow it doesn’t bleed at all. Mmm-hmmm, sure. I see no flaws in this whatsoever. But god, the local hospitals really must dread having these guys as patients, because they literally never do what they're told haha

Oh, so this is why Weller didn't give Jane a task like the others. They both already knew that they would be going in to finish interrogating Riley together. Jane was probably already waiting outside the interview room for him when he showed up, wondering what had delayed him in the lab and why he looked somewhat shaken all of a sudden. And of course she would have asked him if everything was alright, instantly knowing by just the tone of his reply that it wasn't but that they wouldn't be able to broach it until after this mission was done. Luckily Patterson has discovered that Riley's sister lives close enough to DC to be endangered by a nuclear attack, allowing them to get the truth out of him-- he launched a satellite for Shepherd. And well this seems like a big deal, especially considering Patterson literally sprints from her lab to confront Riley-- and oh the satellite will launch a glider that will head straight to DC. He thought it would just hit the white house, but instead it'll be aimed at the nuclear material, making things about a million times worse. The attack would wipe out the whole eastern seaboard, which would be very, very bad. Hold on, that also means that it will kill both Shepherd and Roman as well?? I mean, they're right there in DC with the truck, so unless they have a private jet, surely they don't have time to get to a safe distance? Lol I love when the team finds Zapata in the bullpen and she's all 'wait, there’s nukes??' and the boys are all YOU SHOULD BE IN HOSPITAL because they're Expert-Level Hypocrites haha. God I love her sass 'you two done mothering me?' and Weller's faaaace-- the poor man has been spoiled by Reade and Keaton's obedience today and keeps forgetting that he has zero control over his ladies haha. Also speaking of Keaton, he is SUPER quick to offer to brief Zapata, and ugh I love how annoyed and disgusted she is to see him there. Glad Jane has someone on her side with this haha. And then Keaton's all 'I used to fly jets/ oh the domestic drone program is upstairs' and ugh she is so done with him already and it's been like ten seconds. I love her. And he seems to just like her more for it, and oh buddy, you don't stand a chance. Just give up now (also aren’t you married??). Then in retaliation for her bad behaviour, Weller partners them while the others try to hide their smirks. Keaton is naturally pleased, while you can literally almost feel Zapata's eyes rolling lol. Clearly ready to be out of there, Weller all but grabs Jane and heads to the elevator to catch their plane-- I mean, they're the best partnership the FBI has, and if they fail, at least they die together-- completely cutting Patterson off when she suggests saying their goodbyes. Come on, Patterson, you know big bro doesn't deal with either emotions or the prospect of failure well. Still, I bet Jane totally looked back and gave them all a sad little wave before following him, because while she's ready to die beside him, she hates the thought of leaving her team-- her family-- behind ugh

Ughhh Zapata and Keaton scanning DC with drones looking for the nuclear stuff is so funny-- he tries to mansplain it to her and she's all ‘YEP FULLY AWARE THANKS’ and ugh she calls him Jake which is kinda funny, since being part of the 'team' means getting called by your last name (Jane is a special case because everyone knew her last name would be Weller too one day) and so it's like she's deliberately degrading him a little and reminding him he's not one of the club. And ugh he persists (bc of course he does) and asks how she's doing and tells her he admires her and asks her to work for the CIA and ooooohhhhh buddy. Don't you know your predecssor tried this same thing, and ended up dead a short time later? In an unrelated incident, but still. Asking her to go over to the CIA is like asking a die-hard sports fan to convert to their arch-rival team. Not gonna happen. She'll be carrying that FBI badge til the day she dies, bucko. (Which will hopefully be man, many years in the future btw)

Aaaahhh the plane. Jeller on a plane. I'm having very pleasant flashbacks of hearteyes and handholding rn, so I’m crossing my fingers for more of the same. Poor Jane, though; she clearly still does not like planes at all. She looks so uncomfortable haha. And Weller does too, but for a completely different reason: "Patterson told me that you're thinking of leaving". And oh my godddddd this conversation is killing me because they're both idiots who are operating completely on assumptions; like Weller is trying to be a good guy and support her right to live life how she chooses, because he already believes she'll leave-- bc why stay with damaged goods like him when she now has the whole world at her feet?-- and she thinks his encouragement is because he believes she should go, and ugh she puts out feelers, trying to gauge his mindset, talking about maybe California and then asking him about Colorado, and ugh she encourages him to take a spot in Denver because she wants him to be happy and ughhhhh you idiots, just SAY WHAT YOU REALLY FEEL, WHICH IS THAT YOU BOTH WANT TO STAY BY EACH OTHER'S SIDE FOREVER AND EVER AND NEVER LEAVE EACH OTHER EVER. (Also known as marriage. Just put a damn ring on it already jfc). But ugh instead there's this soft little moment where they acknowledge that they're both allowed to be happy, and again you dumb children each keep assuming that the other means going their separate ways but actually literally means the exact opposite. GAWD STOP TRYING TO SPEAK IN SUBTEXT AND JUST SAY WHAT YOU MEAN. AND THEN GET SOME MILE-HIGH JELLER LOVIN' HAPPENING LIKE LITERALLY YOU'RE ON A LUXURY JET ALONE WITH THE PERSON YOU LOVE AND IT MIGHT LITERALLY BE YOUR LAST DAY ON EARTH LIKE WHY ARE YOU WASTING THIS OPPORTUNITY I DON’T UNDERSTAND

Thankfully, I have Patterson and her sass (dissing Riley) to make me feel better haha. And then the NASA people arrive and she's all 'hey I know barely anything about this but'-- *poses incredible, literally-out-of-this-world theory and is met with well deserved awe and admiration* haha. Also lol Eileen "Oh that is not to scale" hahahahaaa. I love having Reade and Hirst represent the viewers who are all sitting here like me going 'yes.. spaceships will save them. Mmm-hmmm I totally understand everything that is happening right now. Spaceships.' lol. And speaking of genius ladies, Zapata realises that Shepherd has hidden the nuclear stuff in something lead-lined (just watch Keaton's crush growing ever larger lol), leading to her finding Shepherd's location and giving it to Weller and Jane, who are now firmly on the ground, right in the danger zone. Man, I wish we got to see more of that car ride from the airport. I know Weller is very anti-goodbyes rn, but I feel like Jane would have wanted to say something? Though then again she's probably decided she'll hold it in right until she's sure they're done for, then confess everything to him. Meanwhile he's probably thinking the same, because they are a pair of idiots who like to torment me with their inability to use words properly when it comes to literally any emotion that’s not anger

So Shepherd and Roman are hanging in the truck, then she sends him to kill a couple of cops who are likely just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Well, this is certainly reminding me of this season's premiere. Also I totally bet Roman is wearing gloves because of Luke's injury. Seriously tho dude you can't walk towards cops with a knife in your hand and not expect to get shot??? (Oh wait, that's right, you're white. Nvm.)

Meanwhile the supergeniuses in the bullpen have hit a rather apocalyptic snag-- the launch sequence for the glider has already started, and there's no way to hack it in time. Well, shit. Patterson yet again comes up with an idea, suggesting using the mini spaceship to push against the satellite and stop if from getting to its firing location, giving them more time. Good on you, lil Patterson-spaceship. Good luck against Shaquille O'Neal haha.

Aarghhh Weller and Jane and their band of merry men have caught up to Shepherd, and ohhh this makes me nervous. Aaaand yep, a bunch of Sandstorm dudes just came out of nowhere, taking out pretty much everyone but Weller and Jane before being taken down themselves. So now it's very much a family affair; daughter and son-in-law vs mother and brother. And ugh have I mentioned lately how much I love how in sync these two are?? The way they move, the way they communicate-- they really are the FBI elite. And then surprise, a wild Shepherd appears, giving us another Jane/Shepherd showdown-- which lbr Shepherd was def about to win before Jane's hubby showed up and shot her haha. Ah, this gives me such satisfaction. So on one hand, yay, they've got Shepherd-- but on the other, everything has just gone to hell anyway because the glider just launched, giving them thirty minutes until impact and no way to hack it. It's headed for a homing beacon, and I love that when Weller comes up with the idea cloning it and sending it after a fake one, Patterson's already in the middle of doing just that haha. Jane's convinced that Shepherd has the beacon, and Weller pats her down for like three seconds before being like 'I can't find it' haha. I'm so surprised by that Weller, I mean you were so thorough?? Anyway Keaton and Zapata find a railroad tunnel that they could get the truck to which would prevent a lot of the effect of the blast-- but even if they get it there, they won't make it back. And ughhhhh the heavy silence in the bullpen and the way Jane and Weller are staring at each other... this is too much. I can't deal. And then Weller tells Jane to stay, that he'll take the truck, and ughhhh her voice is all thick as she fiercely tells him that she's not letting him go alone and ughhhhh she would rather die by his side than live without him, and he would rather die alone so that she could live. Either way, I'm already dead because these two have killed me. Goodbye, world. And then ughhhh Patterson has tears in her eyes as she tells them they both have to go. They have to find the homing beacon and destroy it, while also getting the truck as far away as possible. They accept that like champs, because this thing is far bigger than just their own lives. So Weller has Jane drive, saving her from having to deal with Shepherd, while Patterson reprograms an app and sends it to him to use as a bug-sweeper. Man, she is amazeballs. Remember how screwed this team (and the world) would be without her? Also Keaton and Zapata have rejoined the rest in the bullpen, and ugh what an intense situation to be in, all of them there, just (for the most part) watching helplessly as the seconds tick down to Armageddon. I think some of the randoms in the back are on the phone and I totally identify with that. Personally I'd be on the phone to my mum lol

Speaking of moms, Shepherd is waxing poetic over Weller, talking about how great he is, and ummmm lady it's weird to have a crush on your son-in-law. And then he realises that Shepherd swallowed the beacon, and literally whips out a knife-- but hold up, son, what’re you doing? Like yes, you could actually cut her open and try to fish it out. I mean, circumstances ARE dire, but still... and also you know how much gastrointestinal tract there is?? If she swallowed it hours ago it would be well into her intestines by now, and trust me, that junk ain't easy to fish around in. But that's about to become a moot point, because Jane and Roman are playing the world's most intense game of chicken, and dear lord what even is this. Like he knows that he is in a car, right? One that's a hell of a lot smaller than a freakin' reinforced truck?? And ughhh she saw him there in the driver’s seat. She knew it was him, and did it anyway, because she had to. She couldn't let her love for her brother cost so many lives. Too bad the impact knocked her out. And ugh poor Patterson dials back in (since their comms had been off coz they messed with the bug-sweeper) only to hear Weller groaning out Jane's name, clearly injured. God, it would be awful being in that bullpen right now, so completely unable to help. And ugh Weller pulls a shard of metal out of his leg, and dammit son do you not remember ANY first aid skills?? Leave it in, you idiot! I mean it's too far to the outer side to have hit the femoral artery or vein, but that doesn't mean there aren't plenty of other very bleedy vessels in there just waiting to spurt all over the place. Gah. And ugh both Zapata and Patterson are in tears as they tell him he has to get up and keep looking bc they only have two minutes until the glider hits the point of no return. Damn, that half hour went fast. And ugh he tells them that Shepherd swallowed it and they all look so stunned and desolate, like they're out of options. But Weller has one more idea, and it's a shocking one. (Yes, I did just wink at my screen just then. You’re being winked at. Jsyk.). Meanwhile Jane regains consciousness and immediately calls Weller's name, and ugh never mind about the nuclear bomb, these two are definitely going to be the death of me first. She's trying to get to him when Roman attacks her-- damn, son, are your bones made of admantium or something?? And now it's two epic showdowns-- brother versus sister, and Weller + defibrillator versus Shepherd + beacon. And for a second I'm actually legitimately stunned bc I think Weller must know that his plan will very possibly kill him too-- after all, they're both kneeling on the same metal surface, which WILL CONDUCT ELECTRICITY-- but wait nope apparently this is TV science and therefore Weller is unaffected haha. Mmmkay. It doesn't work anyway, and ugh my baby Patterson can barely speak through her tears as she tells him so. He tries again, partly bc what other option does he have, and partly bc he just wanted to hurt Shepherd for doing this to them all, and this time it works, with the decoy beacon taking over right at the last moment and sending the glider harmlessly into the ocean. And ugh the celebration in the bullpen is like the most adorable thing ever-- honestly I recommend pausing this scene a few times and looking at everyone's reactions haha. My personal fave is Hirst. And ugh Patterson tells Weller it worked and he tells her she did a ‘nice job’ (understatement of the year haha) and ughhhhh this lil familyyyyyyyy

Speaking of families though, Jane and Roman are still battling it out, and Jane is absolutely winning, bc of course she is. She was always the stronger one, in every way. And ugh she has her gun on him and he yells at her to do it, to kill him, but she won't, she can't. And Weller hears his shout, instantly realising what's happening, and drags his exhausted and bleeding body up off the floor because he needs to protect Jane. Not necessarily from Roman, but from having to make a choice that would break her. Noble thought, buddy, but I think you'll find standing up is a lot harder than being on the floor. Your body ain't gonna like it. (Mine doesn't even on the best of days haha). And ugh Jane lowers the gun and lets Roman go, because she can't kill him. It's the same as in 2x01 when she could easily have shot Weller, but didn't. She loves them and could never hurt either of them. And ugh Weller tries to jump down from the truck to give chase, but I told you buddy, your body ain't made for the vertical plane right now. So he literally falls at her feet, rapidly losing consciousness (bet you wish you'd left that damn spiky thing in now, huh??) and ugh she's so panicked because she has no idea what happened in there or what his injuries are and she's all 'say something!' and so he uses his last ounce of strength to tell her not to move to California, to stay with him instead... and that he loves her. Literally if he'd died of these wounds, his very last words would have been 'I love you'. Honestly sometimes this ship makes me want to scream. And by ‘sometimes’, I mean ALL OF THE DAMN TIME. And ugh I'm going to ignore the rather unflattering camera shot lol (poor Sully haha) and focus instead on Jane's face, because for a woman who has already been through hell like eighteen different ways, she looks like she's on the verge of a breakdown rn because he loves her and he might be dying and I'm not even sure if she heard what was happening over the comms before or not-- hell it might have been knocked out of her ear during her fight-- and so she might not even know if the attack is still about to happen or not and ugh this is just a lot for my poor precious girl to deal with rn. Though I'm sure she gets her shit together pretty quick and gets Patterson to send an ambulance bc no way is she letting him leave her now, or ever, and lbr she goes with him when they take him, staying by his side with her hand around his-- whispering I love yous into his ear that he'll later think he only dreamed he heard-- right until he's taken into surgery, and only then allowing anyone to patch her up while anxiously waiting for news. Hirst arrives just a little later, allowing Jane to sit at his bedside for a few hours while he sleeps, and while Hirst deals with Shepherd and the nukes and everything else, then she eventually returns to make Jane take the plane back with her so she can give her full statement at the NYO. And even with the threat to her life now over, she sleeps in the cell again, calling the hospital for regular updates overnight, heart thudding painfully when the nurses tell her that he's been muttering her name in his sleep. The next afternoon, she knows when he's been discharged, knows that he'll come straight to the NYO once his flight lands-- and knows that she can't face him. Not there, where so many eyes will be on them, where she'll be forced to hold back how she feels. So she goes to Hirst, who understands, and who tells everyone she needs to go to medical for an assessment. Instead she goes back to the safehouse, sits on the couch, and lets herself cry. Cry about it all finally being over, cry about losing Roman, about almost losing Kurt-- and then finally when she can breathe again she pushes herself up and goes to shower and dress, immediately picking the red blouse, because during that scavenger hunt red had been their colour, the thing that marked them as trusted partners, and she wants him to see it and know that she’s in this, that their fates really are forever intertwined, that he is hers and she is his.

In the meantime, though, Weller arrives back at the NYO, steeling himself as the elevator doors begin to open. He remembers what he said, and he knows Jane heard it-- and possibly everyone on the comms, too. And then ugh the doors open and they're all there cheering for him and for a split second his eyes look for Jane-- hoping to see her right there at the front with the team-- but she's not there and Reade is already approaching him and so he goes with it and hugs his people-- ugh I love the way that each hug is different; Reade's is a congratulatory, dude-you-scored-the-home-run happy kinda hug, Patterson's is a little more tender and sisterly, while Zapata's her usual sarcastic-but-secretly-softhearted self and jokes about not being that worried about him, even though they both know she was. And ugh the happy grin on her face as she grips him tight for a moment is just so sweet. And ugh Weller telling them all how glad he is to see them and ugh he's just so totally their dad. For everyone outside the main team, he's Work-Dad, and ugh he's so proud of his lil secret agents. But even so, he's had a moment to look around now, searching the crowd, looking for one face in particular, and it's not there. He's barely even finished acknowledging all these people-- let alone started on the obligatory big speech-- and he's already asking for her. He may have had reservations before about being too open in his feelings for Jane (FYI, everyone could see it anyway, buddy) but now he literally does not care one bit who knows it. Good old Hirst quickly reassures him that she's fine-- because give him even the slightest indication that something might be wrong and he'll rip those stitches right out as he goes running after her-- and uses the medical excuse (after all, that's what she's been telling everybody), and then gets him back on track with the whole, you know, saving the day thing, and ugh now work-dad is giving his speech and ugh he's so good at it and ughhh even I'm feeling validated on their behalf rn, so I'm so happy for them haha. Also lol I love that little twirly hand gesture thing he does, bc thanks to instagram we now know that's totally a Sully thing and it just makes me giggle okay

Oooooh Shepherd is in the fancy magical MRI lie detector, and ugh again another ridiculously unrealistic needle is being given. Find an actual vein, guys, don't just stab it into the elbow! Sigh. And she's acting all tough with Keaton, bc lbr, he may be a torturer but he's still kinda lame? But then Nas walks in, and Shepherd looks like she's pooping her pants. On one hand I'm excited for the intel they'll get from her and for Nas to finally get her revenge-- but on the other, I still worry about Nas' trustworthiness and what she might do with the knowledge she gains. But I guess we'll see...

Lol Zapata is so cute, bringing Weller the newspaper about Riley's arrest. Yep, being a government agent sure is a thankless job. But then, Weller would never want the limelight anyway. Kinda reminds me of that scene in Kingsman where Colin Firth's office walls are covered in the front pages of newspapers on days where he's prevented some huge disaster, with the lead stories always being something completely inane. I love that Weller's first question is to see how she's going. Ugh, he just cares so much. I also really like that Audrey is having her injured arm hanging limply at her side-- finally, someone on the team actually continuing to look visibly injured! Though I'd prefer her in a sling. And in hospital. But whatevs. And ugh she asks about Roman, because of course she has to know. She's had a thing against him (or for him?? I’m still hopeful lol) from day one. And ugh his words are almost a warning when he tells her to read the report, that Jane didn't have the shot. He's telling her that that's the only answer that there will ever be to that question, that there would be no more arguing or questioning or digging. His loyalty is with Jane, and therefore Roman is off limits. Ughhhhh such a good hubbyyyyy

Meanwhile in the lab, Patterson already has the booze waiting (ugh, again on the touchscren?? How could you??) and there are only three glasses... looks like it's just the Three Amigos tonight. And Reade gets there an ugh they both just look so exhausted and then she's all 'what now' and surprisingly Reade has apparently decided that this is where he belongs-- Quantico is forgotten, and he's already ready to take his next stand with the team. But Patterson isn't, and oh god the way she just crumbles and ughhhhh our baby has been so strong for so long and now she just can't do it anymore. Ugh can she at least just have a holiday? Let them all go to some tropical island and be served drinks by handsome dudes (or in Reade's case, beautiful ladies) and just unwind. And ughhh Reade looks exactly how a loving big brother always does when his little sister cries-- incredibly dismayed and at a loss for what to do. A moment later Zapata appears to back him up, though looks taken aback herself to find out that Patterson-- their indefatigable little genius machine-- is falling apart. And ugh Reade has recovered enough to give a reassuring speech-- "this job takes everything” sounds very reminiscent of S1 Weller's outburst at Sarah-- and ugh who would have thought that Edgar Reade, recent Human Disaster and near-deserter, would be the one holding the team together now?? 'It gives us a way to fight back. It gives us family. It gives us hope.' and ugh if that isn't the heart of this show, I don't know what is. Unless it's Zapata's loving snark: "Is that right, Quantico?" hahaha. She may be sarcastic, but then again she just made Patterson laugh when a minute ago she was near-breakdown. I mean I just love this family so much??? They are just so perfect together and ugh they make a toast to family and I am overwhelmed

Speaking of family, they're now all gathered at Weller’s-- tho he's out on the balcony in a moment that's very reminiscent of 1x01, undoubtedly thinking about Jane, and his confession, and the future, and lots of stuff that is definitely far too heavy for a celebratory get-together, so he pulls himself together and joins the others, who are laughing and relaxed and lounging around his apartment like it's their own. Remember when none of them had ever even been there, and now it seems like they're hanging out there every other week?? FAMILYYYY. And ughhh Patterson looks so much lighter and happier and dude I agree with Weller-- I wanna know what they were laughing about? But alas we'll never know bc all of a sudden Jane appears, letting herself in without knocking bc of course she does, it's practically her apartment now too, and ughhhh look at her excited lil face and the lil wave she does and lbr Weller has literally forgotten the other three even exist bc rn all he sees is her, and he walks toward her with this slightly awed but also questioning look, like he can barely believe she's really there, and then "I didn't think you were coming"-- bc you just know he probably tried to call her or at least send her a message but couldn't get hold of her, so he'd already half-convinced himself that she was already pulling away from them all, or even right at that moment getting ready to head to California, and ugh when she asks to talk to him outside you can just see the apprehension that spreads across his face and for a split second he can’t even force himself to move because he thinks this is it, this is goodbye, and god he can't do it but he knows he has to and so he forces his feet to move, following after her-- but seriously he's so busy freaking out that he doesn't even register the air of nervous excitement that's literally radiating from her or the way she glances back to make sure he's following, or the eager light in her eyes as she turns to him and draws in a deep breath-- and dude, c’mon. This is not the face of someone who is about to drop a rejection and a goodbye in the same sentence. This is the face of someone at the very top of the rollercoaster, who is simultaneously terrified of the drop but also feeling more exhilarated and alive than they ever have before, and who is SO READY to tip over the edge and take the plunge. And then she takes that deep breath and begins "So they told me I could go anywhere..." and omg. She's literally rehearsed this. Jane Doe is using a ~line~ on Kurt Weller. She's literally paused for dramatic effect, letting him imagine all the very far-away places she might choose. And now here it comes: "...But this is where I wanna be." BAM. Damn, girl, I am so proud of you. From the girl who made that super awkward dinner invitation to Oliver however many weeks ago, this was so smooth. And then aaaahhhh the fear on his face just disappears (melted by the sunbeams of PURE LOVE that are shining from his eyes) and he gives the lil Kurt Weller smirky-smirk and then she does the bravest thing she's ever done and tells him she loves him back and ughhhhh just look at these two idiots?? She's already trying to find the words to follow that confession (words? what are words??) and he just gives a little shake of his head-- because she loves him and that's all he's ever needed to hear-- and steps forward and just. CLAIMS HIS WOMAN. And well I guess the background music is pretty damn fitting, given that the main lyric is "I wanna make out with you". Can't get much more accurate than that. Also lol since that song is technically "playing" in his apartment, does that mean he chose it? Did he literally make an entire spotify playlist full of subliminal messages just in case Jane came to the party? Like just imagine if she'd come inside instead of talking to him out in the hall, and then as he hands her a drink he comments very pointedly on really liking this song, that it has good lyrics, and then Jane listens for a second and then stares at him and then they immediately find an excuse to go out on the balcony or to the nursery and maaaake ouuuuttt. But of course this way is much better than that anyway, with the two of them FINALLY ON THE SAME PAGE, grinning at each other and making out in the hallway like a pair of TEENAGERS who have no concept of PEEPHOLES. Because you KNOW that at least one of the others witnessed this whole thing through that little spy-hole-- I mean let's be real, when Jeller walk back into the apartment (trying to play it cool and completely failing haha), literally none of the others are where they were when Jane arrived? Reade is now sitting with his back to the door, wearing his jacket and a ruefully amused expression, Patterson is standing way around the other side of the counter from where she was before, grinning and playing with her fingers like she just can't keep still, and Tasha's standing near her-- tbh my main bet for the one spying on them would be Peeping Patterson, though I can't rule out Zapata joining her at the doorway and giving a sniggering play-by-play for (a thoroughly unwilling) Reade before the two of them scurry back to the kitchen when Jeller are about to head inside. And then speaking of our happy couple, the two of them have literally barely stepped into the apartment (Weller opens the door for her ugh, having to lean in close to her to do so, which is such a little thing but kills me so much) and immediately Reade is all like 'wooop, gotta go, some never aforementioned bro needs help with some unspecified thing' and bails (also ughhh I never noticed the little grin he and Weller share for a split second right as he passes him?? Ugh someone save me from this familyyyy) and then Zapata's all 'yep, gotta go with him, no possible way for me to get home in NYC except with Reade, nope not at all' and follows him out, and oh my precious supergenius Patterson is just all 'no way am I third-wheeling you two after a year of pent-up UST so I am going to go literally anywhere else' lol and ugh she tells them to have fun and that she'll see them sometime, pretty much implying that she doesn't expect them to emerge from their sex-romp for quite some time and omg I can't even imagine what it's like to be in a situation where your friends literally... uh, what's the opposite of cockblock?... for you? It's awkward but not, and oh god Weller's breathy little 'and... goodbye' and then ugh the stupid little grins they exchange, like I look at her face and I can literally almost hear a Wild-West-era petticoated belle saying 'My, how are we ever going to pass the time?' while batting her eyelashes coyly at the cowboy and he gives his sly heartthrob smile and answers in a low drawl 'I have a few ideas, ma'am' and DON'T ASK ME WHY THIS JUST TURNED INTO SOME WILD WEST HARLEQUIN ROMANCE. I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER WHERE (OR WHEN) MY BRAIN GOES. But regardless, lbr here-- that was pretty much exactly the wordless conversation that was had (okay maybe sans accents), and Jane seems to very much approve of Weller's ideas, which involve a lot of making out and manhandling-- shoving her against a wall and then carrying her to bed and putting her down so delicately ughhhhhhhh-- paired with the enthusiastic removal of clothing haha. And you know what, while I'm in no way a particular supporter of the strobelight sex scene, the more I watch it (errr... for scientific reasons of course), the more I find it cute rather than ridiculous. Plus if you let your eyes go a tiny bit out of focus and don't try to look at any particular thing too closely, and instead just let it like wash over you, it's not that bad at all. I do love the sheer amount of grinning happening all throughout though-- remember how we all thought their first time would be so serious and emotional? Instead they are literally giggling like the idiots they are and I love it. Like can you literally give me an example of two happier people?? Didn’t think so. And ughhhhhh I'm just so happy for themmmm, our babies are finally together where they belongggggggggg aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Okay, so that's a cliff, and that's Jane climbing it... but there's too much hair. Way too much. Takes-months-and-months-to-grow kind of much. Also on one hand this is cool because I recently just got back into rockclimbing myself and I'm like DUDE SHE'S FREECLIMBING A FREAKIN' GIANT CLIFF WITH A BACKWARDS INCLINE and then it's like my excitement literally falls off a cliff of its own as the 'two years later' appears on the screen. God, I don't even know what my face must have looked like in this moment, but I am certainly well aware of my stomach abruptly dropping about five feet. Tbh to me a timejump is possibly the worst non-bad thing that can happen in a show??? Like it's not up there with people being killed off or anything, but... two freakin' years. Two years where anything could have happened, and two years full of events that we may never get to see. In some shows, that wouldn't really matter much. But when that two years includes your OTP's first morning together and subsequent canon-coupleness, losing two years feels like a punch to the gut and a spit in the face all at once. Like two years is pretty much double the span of the entire past two seasons. The only comfort I have right now is that this show does flashbacks so well, and possibly may continue them into S3, giving us little glimpses of Jeller and the team along the way. God, I hope so. Also my other problem with this timejump thing, I’m realising, is that we never got the resolution I was expecting with the whole Allie thing-- honestly, I was expecting her to die before ever having the baby (I know, I’m awful) and now that’s unlikely to be the case, meaning in this new future Weller has a toddler-aged child... and if you thought I was awful a second ago, prepare to think worse of me because I’m actually legitimately upset about it. I went through this whole season believing the pregnancy was either a lie or that it would somehow never eventuate, and I’m not dealing well with the now-inevitability of this child. I feel like this is going to be one of those canon details that just gets erased from my brain, tbh. Where’s that Nick Fury gif about ignoring the council’s stupid-ass decisions? Because that’s literally me rn. But anyhow, back to more important things than non-existent progeny, aka Jane and the cliff. To get to the top she literally has to climb out on an overhang and then up, and good lord this woman is a superhuman. And then she's at the top and I want Kurt to be waiting up there for her but lbr if he was here he would have climbed with her or at least forced her to use ropes and idk how but that climb also felt very much like a ~journey~ and oh this is so worrying. So worrying. And some cute monk lady approaches and tells her there's still longing in her eyes and Jane closes her eyes and looks away and oh no. No no no. Longing implies separation from the things you love. Help me, I am withering inside because whatever happened in those two years, somewhere along the way my babies were torn apart from one another. And Jane says she's climbed this mountain dozens of times-- but why? In search of inner peace? I can tell you right now you're not gonna find it without Kurt by your side, honey-- and ugh the monk lady tells her to go home and YES LISTEN TO HER BC YOU’VE ALREADY CLEARLY BEEN GONE FOR FAR TOO LONG and then "No, I can never go back"--- *insert agonized wails here because I don't have words for this* (Okay maybe I do: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?????!???????!!!???!????????!?!!?????????!!!) and then ughhh soon after she's sitting alone in her little tent thing, sketching (how many pictures of Weller are there in that book?? I need to know immediately) and then the girl tells her she has a visitor and IN STEPS KURT WELLER. In a blue shirt, of all things, because of course he is. And wait did he literally just trek up a mountain to find her??? (Somewhere up in heaven, Marvin Gaye looks down approvingly for a second time this episode) And ugh she looks so stunned to see him, like she can't believe he's really there, really real, and for a couple of beats they just stare at each other and it's not clear whether she's terrified of his anger or if they parted on bad terms but then tears shine in his eyes and he drops his bag and she lets out a little whimper and literally throws herself into his arms and ughhhh they're holding each other so tight and he says he can't believe he 'finally' found her and she just holds him and presses her face to his neck and this is most definitely not a pair who parted on bad terms. This is two people who are still completely and utterly in love with one another and have been pulled apart by some external force and ugh this is simultaneously beautiful and awful. And then he gently but firmly pushes her away a little and admits, voice shaking, that he was scared for her-- because of course he was. All the people he's loved most in the world, he's lost (even Sarah and Sawyer moved away). And to be so far from her, to now know where she was or if she was okay... god, it would have near killed him. And she would have known that, which would have near-killed her. And ughhh she apologises over and over and he does that thing he does when he's trying not to cry, where his eyebrows draw together and he looks away and she tells him she can't explain, but why????? Literally what Bad Thing could exist that she couldn't tell the love of her life about??? And then she lowers her eyes, unable to meet his, and suddenly she chokes up even more and she says 'you're still wearing your ring' and I AM SCREAMING. WEDDING RING. ON WELLER'S FINGER. JANE BEING A COMBINATION OF HEARTBROKEN AND RELIEVED THAT HE'S STILL WEARING IT. JELLER ARE MARRIED. I REPEAT, JELLER ARE MARRIED. And ughhhhh he fiddles with it and just says 'yeah' and she looks like she's literally about two seconds from a complete breakdown. Oh god. Sometime in that two years, they literally got married. They planned on spending the whole rest of their lives together. And then SOMEONE (lookin' at you, Gero) forced Jane to leave. Because god knows she would never have left him willingly; only if she thought she had no other choice, and only to protect him. Ugh, I really, really hope they give us a good reason for this and not something that she should have just talked to him about and faced with him. Also uhh I've seen a strangely high number of people concerned that Weller is married to someone else??? Literally that would make zero sense, not only from the character perspective-- what, you think Mr Too-Choosy could somehow fall out of love with his soulmate Jane, meet someone else, and marry them, all within two years? Yeah, not gonna happen, son-- but also from a human-interaction perspective. If Weller somehow did marry someone else, firstly Jane wouldn't have hugged him the way she did bc something would have had to have gone super wrong between them for him ever to try to move on, and secondly she certainly would never have commented on him 'still wearing it' because that would already be her default expectation? He would have been married when she left, so of course he would still be married now. And that's not even to mention her visceral reaction to the ring-- that combination of devastation and involuntary gladness is so telling, bc on one hand deep down she's so happy to see him still wearing it because it means that he hasn't turned his back on her, that he still considers himself her husband and there's still hope for the two of them, but also devastation because his faithfulness only makes it more clear how much she's hurt him, and also hurts worse because she thinks (for an as yet unknown reason) that there's actually no way for them to ever be together again. And god I just feel so sad for both of them rn ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Why did you have to separate them, Gero, why???? (Well, for drama, I suppose, but honestly THAT'S A TERRIBLE REASON. LET COUPLES JUST BE TOGETHER AND HAPPY GODDAMMIT. TRUST ME IT CAN STILL BE GOOD TV.) And then ugh she's trying so hard not to cry and Weller can't bear to see that so he gets down to business, telling her she has to come back bc the other three have been kidnapped. Which is awful but tbh I'm more focused on how the others felt when Jane left? Did the kiddies feel like mom had abandoned them? Are they mad at her, on Weller's behalf as well as their own? Will they forgive her straight away and joyfully welcome her back when she and Weller rescue them, or will there be that distance and frostiness like at the start of last season? And Jane asks him if Roman was involved-- and while he doesn't know, this mention definitely bodes well for getting to see Roman next season. Then Weller pulls out a box with her name on it in the same style as his tattoo on her back (clearly they didn't get the memo about her new last name tho) and ugh he holds it out to her, telling her no one has been able to open it but that he has a theory-- and looks like he was right to come all this way to find her, bc only she can open it. Possibly even only the two of them together, but it's unclear if that’s the case. Also ok I really need to know, did he already know where she was, like Patterson had figured it out or something, but he'd just been giving her her space and had only come now that the others had been taken? Or did he only just find out now? In which case that’s pretty damn lucky timing... I mean I bet Patterson had been looking for her this whole time, so...? But anyhow there's a random metal disk thing inside the box, and it's only when Weller touches it with her that it shows a reflected image of her bird tattoo. And then because he's a smart boy, Weller lines it up with her bird tattoo and presses it against her skin, and suddenly Jane lights up like some kind of bioluminescent christmas tree. Surprise-- there's a whole new layer of tattoos to discover, with a whole new set of clues hidden within. Which is completely whack, but undoubtedly something among all that will lead to saving the others-- which means it’s something Weller can't do without her. And well, Jane, in the eternal wisdom of Smashmouth: you'll never know if you don't go, and you'll never shine if you don't glow...

And so that’s it. It's over. Another season, another cliffhanger that will haunt us for months-- and like last year, the question is 'Will Jane and Kurt ever be able to come back to one another?’ (Spoiler alert: the answer is yes. They will always come back to each other. Let’s just hope it doesn’t take a whole damn season this time....) But anyhow, thank you so much to everyone who has read these and liked/commented/sent me messages-- I've loved sharing these with you guys, and I'm glad you've loved them too. So cheers, and see you all next season :P

#Blindspot #Blindspot recap #Jeller #*unintelligible screaming*

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