#and all my frineds have gone home

[calypso-finale]

Hundred Thirteen.

My sister really kept to her promise about security, I mean really I feel so much more at peace. When Oakley left and Wadz I felt a little sad, I didn’t want them to go but I couldn’t keep them behind really. I didn’t even say it and Wadz said oh you look nervous but then the next thing I have security outside, god bless my eldest sister because I needed that really. I know she cares but I have a bodyguard too, from the same company but it’s a little dramatic too. Damson keeps making jokes saying am I cheating with them, they aren’t ugly men either, I am rather impressed. Did my sister pick out the handsome men but I would never choose anyone but Damson, he makes me smile so much but he has been coming over more then ever now that the boys have gone. I know that they kind of took his attention because they all know each other, then they are talking about London, then they are talking about school and the past so it’s hard but now it’s about us, and we get on. Like sometimes maybe we are just good frineds but I think this is the best way first, we need to get to know each other on a friend level, he hasn’t even made a move, does he think I am ugly. I doubt that, I just know he respects me a lot. I am thinking too much, I am being stupid now. I stifled out a yawn, I am making mocktails for myself and Imani, I have a visitor here and she has come with demands. Well she said it isn’t demands but she needs to talk to me about things, I don’t mind her talking to me about things but I just want her to realise that I am trying to be nice with what happened, Rylee is ready to beat her ass, I am being kind because I feel she will keep a lot more things away from us and we don’t need that, I am so mad she didn’t use protection but then who are we to say, but we didn’t leave it for a few days to let it simmer, I don’t get why she did that. If she got pregnant on the first try, I know my dad would be flying to London to beat another brother. I just don’t want my dad to know, like it’s already just a weird vibe in that home. Like we are his kids, but it’s like they restarted their life again, by being better parents to them and we intrude.

I sighed out “see how nice I am, making these for us” she pulled a face “why can’t you just make actual cocktails?” she asked, I laughed “I can’t lie when Oakley was here because he doesn’t drink or anything, there is no booze in the home at all. There is nothing here, so I am using whatever is left so that is why” she let out an oh “what a boring life he lives, he doesn’t drink or smoke. Odd” I shrugged “I think he does on occasions but like it’s a small, but he decided that. I think his best friend Wadz, he is Muslim, a lot of his friends are, and I think he maybe just went in that path of being more cleansed, he is a juicer. Like yeah but he got me into it, not like he needs it anyways” he is skinny as it is “yeah he has made Rylee one of them too, boring life” I smiled “why, what life do you want? A rockstar one” I sniggered “a free one, I find it rude that Rylee thinks it’s ok to get into my life. That I can’t have a boyfriend, that I can’t have sex? Who is she? Like making trouble for Juke, he is sad. He is losing his brother; his brother is so caught up in Rylee that he will drop Juke then what? I want you both to stop” nodding my head slowly “Imani, if you though what you did was right then why didn’t you want me to tell mom? Mhmm? I do not understand why you waited to take precaution; you do not know Juke to do that” I am trying to be calm “did Rylee know Oakley? What about you” I groaned out “you cannot use that against us! We didn’t just sit there for the sperm to simmer got it? You was getting so unwell! You can get infections you know. I helped you” she is taking out on me for nothing “stay out my life then, I think Juke wants me” I sighed out “how do you know that? Are you sure he isn’t doing it because his brother wants to kick him out and is keeping you sweet?” she gasped “see how rude you both are to me! Why can’t people like me, it’s always Tianna or Rylee show, am I the ugly one now!” she got up “oh Imani, stop it” she walked off “Imani! Please, will you not storm off” she just left anyways.

I won’t be telling Rylee what she said because Rylee will burst a vessel and also she is probably getting dicked down “my god” I sighed out, I called Imani, but she is not going to listen. She is going to take this with her for weeks now, I know my parents will find out by the end of the week because her emotions are always heightened, and she will not be in a good mood, or she will snap at my dad or whatever. I am waiting for Damson now; the buzzer went off. This can’t be him already, looking at the monitor and it is my dad “oh” I said walking off to the door. Hugging my dad “what is this visit about dad” this is cute he came “out of your busy schedule too” he pressed a kiss to the top of my head “I know daughter, I need to see my kids now. All of them” I cooed out “also who the fuck is that guy outside?” I laughed nervously, my dad doesn’t exactly know about this or what is even happening “Rylee paid for that you know” turning to my dad “my Rylee?” He spat, nodding my head “serious?” He is shocked “how come?” I think my dad knows something and that is why he is here “Imani is saying things, Taylan been around” Imani is such a bitch “Taylan has been making advances and we have been trying to not stress you out, you have a lot on” seeing my dad face and he is so mad “seriously!? You think I wouldn’t be here for you, for my kids. Are you serious?” my dad is pissed, I swallowed hard “dad you know your mind has been everywhere” my dad is furious “I am sorry but what the fuck! Why have you done this behind my back, I told that motherfucker I would fucking kill him, I will fucking beat him!” my dad is mad, and I get it “why does my daughters think I am busy?” I sighed out “because you have been, look dad we are grown. We have moved on now, you have the younger three” my dad frowned “you girls mean the world to me, do not think that again” he pointed.

My dad and Rylee are no fucking different, I swear they are just the same, they fly off the handle without thinking “I want to know where he is, I will get him” I shook my head “dad, no. This is over with, I am fine. Rylee has the security; I am happy and safe now” he needs to not worry “you should have come to me! I am your protector, are you crazy. Next time you come to me, and you! You’re staying with us” I groaned “no dad, please. I can’t stand to be there anymore” I blurted out, it just came out “why!?” he spat “I can’t stand to see the perfect two parent home you have done for them, the perfect silence, just perfect. We grew up in a single parent home with Jah and Tina playing with us when they randomly come. We had people in and out of the home, unknown to us. We grew up messy, you know that. But I just don’t want it, I feel odd. I am far older then these kids and I am just there with our grown issues” I laughed “it’s just weird isn’t it dad, we sisters are trying to be self-sufficient” my dad shook his head “that hurts me, I don’t want this barrier, this whole split” I shrugged “dad we grew up different, what can I say. I feel awkward being there, I have lived there so I know. Rylee doesn’t understand because she has been independent and in London, I am not sad about it but it’s life dad and I know you love us, but I want to be here” my dad looks so upset, I feel bad but it’s the truth, that’s how I feel.

Aziel is having a sleep over at Lillian home, Grace was busy and also she would have needed to stay with us, and I really didn’t want that with Oakley coming so I needed him out of the house, Aziel will take all of his dad attention, and this is so last minute too, I feel bad for Lillian. I didn’t mean to put it on her like that and so last minute too “Aziel, come down please” opening the door “oh bitch” Lillian said, and I just laughed “I am so sorry, I didn’t think he would be last minute but then again I did say give me an hour, I don’t need Aziel here. He will ruin a lot” Lillian yelped out “a lot? A fucking lot? We need to fucking talk soon, talking about a lot. Awww look at you, you coming to stay at auntie home?” Lillian said, Aziel looks cute “yes I am” she cooed out “I have missed you, Diji also misses his big man, he is at the house waiting to play the games with you” Aziel ran into Lillian and hugged her “yes, I bring games” my son has been on his best behaviour now since the whole school issue, also Oakley did speak to him, he did kind of tell him off about him doing that “Aziel, I will come tomorrow and I will pick you up ok?” he nodded his head “ok, love you” hugging him “I love you too baby, be good now and be good to Diji too” he nodded his head “I will mom, mommy I miss you” he walked off “I miss you too, Lillian thank you. I appreciate this a lot” she shook her head “for you to get dick, how dare you” seeing a car coming up the drive “oh shit” that could be him “please go, he can’t see him. Aziel, bye!” waving at him “who that?” he pointed “nobody!” I spat, calling Oakley phone he can’t leave that car because he will not leave at all “hey” he answered “you in that car yeah? I hope so” I mean it better be “oh yeah I am” he is dumb “don’t come out until Aziel has left, please and thank you” kicking the door shut and putting the phone down, he can also wait outside while I change.

Oakley has missed called me five times now, he is mad I think but I wanted to get changed of course. Dragging open the door and he is just stood there mean mugging “why?” he said “I look like a dickhead outside here” I smiled at him “but Oakley don’t I look pretty, I did it for you” I need him to not be bad “you’re jarring, come on. I was stood here for half hour” he walked into the house, closing the door “sorry” I apologised, turning to him “you accepting the apology now aren’t you” he rubbed his chin smiling “silk robe and that, I mean bought you something” he placed his duffle bag down “you can do it in the living room, you don’t have to do it here. Come” I said, I have been rushing badly, like he thinks I did it to just look pretty, but I did it because I wanted to do little things for him, he is ungrateful anyways. Making my way into the main living room, pushing open the door “I was doing this too” he looked into the living room in shock “damn, are you proposing to me again?” rolling my eyes, shutting the door “I missed you I suppose” he placed his duffle bag down “I was joking about getting me something” that is sweet that he did “whatever, you know you wanted something” he got a little bag out and held it out to me, taking the bag “and a rose that has now been squashed” I chuckled “thank you” taking the box out “I took my time and I did look, it’s white gold, I spent up. Promise” opening the box “awww Oakley” he got me some nice earrings “you didn’t have too” I poked my lips out “I did” I love him “thank you lovey” walking into him, wrapping my arms around his neck “I am so glad you’re home now” he smells so good too “you smell nice” kissing his neck “for you” he squeezed me close “I love you Lee” I am so glad he is back, and he listened, he did it before the week ended.

Oakley makes me laugh, he is being so coy with things, but I know he just wants to straight dip into it “you sitting in a position like this on purpose” he stared me down “in what way?” he tilted his head “shoulder showing off, legs showing off. Sat on the side, you look amazing” I chuckled “I know I look amazing, your dick is telling me” he laughed out “nah we cooling” he says that, but I know he is ready to have sex “after that night, I couldn’t get you off my mind. I was just thinking about you. I just wanted you so badly. Still do, look. I know like I have been very stand off with feelings, because to me I am still learning but I know what I want and in my heart, it’s you. I think I have grown, entering my thirties I guess but I am not into anyone but you. I just want to keep the past there, my therapist said that if I wanted to move on I had to forgive and I already did and he believes that, look Lee. I don’t care if we do this, we just cooling and we don’t put a title to it because I know in my heart we will be” smiling at him “I think you know” he nodded his head “one day” he smirked “so you feel like entering your thirties you have had more clarity” he nodded his head “I want a family, I want a home. I want to come home to you, I just didn’t know what I needed back then because I was too scared to give, to love because I never have been loved. It was all a game with me, I fucked up in the past but yeah” he is cute “Oakley, you may not have said it but you did show me a lot, you cared a lot and I would like to think you did like me from the start” he chuckled “yeah I mean when I saw you at the apartment, I mean yeah I did but you Chris daughter and he was very protective. But your age got in the way” he has a point “it did but I didn’t care, I saw you and how you was, attitude wise and I needed that, still do. I liked you from start, always did and nobody can say I didn’t because I am still here with you. It’s always like those silly things of others saying that we aren’t meant to be and that we can do better, I mean people say you can do better let’s be real now” Oakley smirked and put his head down “you’re so cute” he is blushing “it’s not about better though, I found someone that I connect with, someone that makes me want to be better. Someone that makes me want to have a family, showing me reason and purposes in life more then the streets and just a one night thing, loving someone isn’t just the good and I think people get that wrong, love is learning too. You can’t just love someone, when I saw you I didn’t love you, that never happens. I had an attraction to you, and I liked your vibe, love grows, and I really didn’t think it was love until it clicked you know” he is so cute “where did you get that from?” I asked “google init” I snorted laughing “shut up, you being very deep” he really is.

“You know what it’s just you turn a certain age and with me it was like what am I wanting, like yeah. I never knew I would have cancer; you saved my with that honestly but it’s just I uhm, I want you, I want this, and I can’t see myself with another, besides you” smiling at him, he is being so cute “even if we didn’t have sex, I wouldn’t care. I am here with you” I cooed out “stop it” diverting my eyes away from his glare “what?” I hate when he does that glare, just gets me all shy “stop it Oakley” I said mushing his face “what? I am not even doing anything, just assuming that I am” placing my wine glass down “my side is a little numb from sitting in this position, how about you carry me upstairs” Oakley just stared me down and then laughed “I got you” he got up from the his position “you know for a skinny man, you are actually strong” nobody would think it but he is “I work out, you know that” moving onto my back “I do” I yelped out as he picked me up “and when we get married, you better carry me too” he pulled a face “I will think about that though, I have another gift. But that is tomorrow problem” look at him keeping gifts away “mhmmm lovey” I love this man too much, I am glad he is back home.

#Chrianna #Chrianna FF #Fanfic #Fanfiction #Chrianna Fanfic #Chrianna Fanfiction

[mycanyon]

Imagine having a crush on a Bear!

Like for real. This guy is tall and lean!!! And his voice??? This is insane! Listen to music from Annenmaykantereit. Imagine bears voice to be like the singer one... but even deeper! I am convinced he has some weird problem with his vocal chords but the more we talk the more I grow to love it!!!

He is calm! He is kind! He is just great!

And here and there I get the feeling he enjoys my company too. The only thing is: we are not close enough yet that dating eachother could even be thought of!

Before I knew him I always thought he would be one of the typical "cool" guys in the back of my class that choose art just because its easy... and then we had to do a project together.

I was genuinely scared because I do am good with talking to people but only if they are able to engage in it. And if he felt "too cool" for me then this might be a problem... it wasnt. It was great! He was so kind and its kind of like the "The Rock"-Phenomenon. Like the taller and more muscley you get (basically the scarier you look) the kinder you get to compensate this.

And off our fridship went!!! We dont talk all the time but when we would talk it would feel genuine... at least for me. We even have this... well... platonic but still sweet picture of us on a couch in the museum that our art teacher took. Its just kinda cool.

So how is this helping me in my stupid ass journey?

GUESS WHAT GUYS!!! SUMMER IS COMING! And our school decided they suddenly want to do school trips.

Like to other countries.

They never had such school trips (Adult school. Only there for the essentials)!!! Okay but we have to deal with that now and I actually am excited for it. I choose the cheaper trip but also because it sounded more fun even if we stayed in our country. I figured out that bear also choose this trip... litterally ONLY because it was cheaper. But then also he doesnt wanna go? Idk at this point!

Well I think its more likely that he chooses to stay at home because all the teachers will be gone and he will literally just have a week off of school. But I have kind of talked myself into the fact that he is coming with us. But guess who is not!

MY BIG ASS FAT MASS!!!

I am on my second day of my shit and I still dont dare to look at the scale to not get demotivated. I think I have gained a lot since the last time I had an ana streak.

So I am taking care of my skin, I watch what I eat (if I eat) and I just remembered that I wanted to drink some lax today...

I found some bikini online that I bought. One to tan before the school trip with some trusted frineds and one that looks more sporty, I would feel more comftable wearing it and that I would bring to the trip. I already decided to tell people that I was lending it from my competitive swimmer friend (I did have a bikini before but I lost it on a train somewhere last summer).

I just want to look okay when we get there and especially when Bear comes with us.

Pray for me guys!

[brianprobablywill]

Just Like This (Joe Mazzello x Reader)

summary: joe helps you out when you need his help for extra credit, but you have no idea how your night will end.

joe x reader, 1.8k words, fluff

warnings: none

author’s note: this is for @royally-rogers​‘ s follower challenge!! jacqueline is lovely, you should definitely check her out and give her a follow!!! she’s been super kind in offering me an extension to submit my piece, and here it finally is!! thanks, jacqueline, for letting me take part in your challenge, and for being an awesome frined <3 enjoy!

“No, no, Y/N, you have to feel it.”

“Fine.” You cross your arms across your chest for the hundredth time that evening, trying to feel it. “It’s almost midnight, where were you?”

Joe looks like he’s about had it. He throws his script onto the sofa, bringing his hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose. “Do you actually care about where I’ve been?”

“Huh?”

“It’s almost midnight.” Joe juts his chin out, looking at you incredulously. “You have to care about where I’ve been, damn it!”

You’re about to snap too, tell him that acting is not your thing, but the sound of a door opening stops you. 

“Whoa, hey.” Ben steps out of his room, glasses perched delicately on his nose. “I’m trying to study.”

“And so are we.” Joe retorts. 

Hardly. You’re only filling in for one play that your college was organising. You really didn’t want to, but participation is a big deal and you’re not going to slack in any area, no sir. This is just something you have to do.

“Keep it down,” your roommate hisses. “These definite integrals are hell.”

Joe scoffs. “Okay, electrical engineering.”

Ben doesn’t leave before flipping Joe the bird, but once the moment to his bedroom door is shut, Joe turns his attention back to you. “Okay.” He turns his eyes to the ceiling, presumably to work out a plan for what to do about your predicament. 

You’re busy picking at the aglet of your converse when Joe exclaims, “Yes!” You watch as he makes his way towards where you were sat on the couch.

Crouching in front of you, he begins, “We’re friends, aren’t we?” His hands come to lay flat on your thighs, sending a wave of electricity through your body.

You nod, letting his eyes make direct contact with yours. 

“Close your eyes for a minute.”

You do.

“And imagine we’re a couple.”

“Oh, no.” Your eyes are open within an instant, looking at Joe, alarmed.

“Hey!” he holds up his hands in defence. “I didn’t think the idea disgusted you that much.” He looks down at his feet, scoffing lightly. 

“No!” you’re quick to respond, twisting your hands together in your lap.

Joe nods, waiting for you to back your answer with some more substance. When you don’t, he asks, “And?”

“Huh?”

“No, what?” He shakes his head. “No, you’re really sweet; no, it’s not like that… no?”

“It’s not like that.” your response is weak. 

Truth is, the idea of dating Joe isn’t disgusting to you at all. Not one bit. It’s almost a little tempting, letting him know how you really feel.

But you’ve been burnt in the past, you’ve been hurt. Your previous attempts at confessing to crushes have gone sideways many times, and you’re not sure if you’re ready to put yourself out on the fire like that. Yet again. 

Joe exhales shakily, using the support of his hands on his thighs to stand up. He holds out a hand to you, prompting you to get up with him. “Is it okay if we pretend to be a couple?”

You nod firmly, not letting a single bit of hesitation seep through. But when Joe takes one step towards you, his hot breath fanning your face now, you wonder if you should have simply said no.

Joe’s lips land on yours in one smooth motion. They’re soft. Joe’s grip on your hand gets just a little more firm. But before you can respond to his kiss, he’s pulled away already, grabbing the script from your other hand and handing you his.

“Let’s switch roles,” he says quickly, turning to sit down on the couch. “You come home at midnight, and I’ll show you how a doting boyfriend would respond.”

“Isn’t acting interpretative? Maybe my interpretation about a loving relationship is different from yours.” There isn’t any real meaning behind your accusation, and you make your way towards the door to ‘come home at midnight’ anyway.

Despite having practiced the scene several times, you still have to look at your-- Joe’s script to find out what you have to do. Joe’s character - Sam - doesn’t really have many lines. It’s just a few grunts and mumbles while your character - Anna - does all the talking. 

“It’s midnight, where the hell were you?” 

Whoa. He’s taking his liberties with expanding on the dialogues, you realise. The conviction is strong with his dialogue. It really feels like you’re his girlfriend. Like he’s really worried about you after you’ve come home late. And it makes your stomach do a little flip, because, damn, is this what it would feel like to have Joe as a boyfriend? 

“Just out,” you try your hardest to match your acting skills with Joe’s, but that’s a losing battle. Half the time you’re really only focusing on Joe, watching how he takes the dialogue and makes a scene out of it.

“Out?” Joe stands up, his eyes flitting over his script briefly before looking back up at you, and you can swear you can see a flash of rage in his eyes. “I called your work.” He put his hand on his hip. “They said you left hours ago.”

Joe’s fingers were slender, the tips pressing into the fabric of his shirt. You’d very much like to smoothen out the wrinkles in his shirt.

“Y/N?”

“Yeah?”

“Dialogue,” he sings, his shoulder sagging. 

Your script falls to the floor as you bring your hands to your forehead. “Oh my god.”

“Hey, hey, hey.” Joe is quick to rush to your side, putting a gentle hand on your lower back. “What’s wrong?”

“I can’t do this,” you whisper, looking at Joe through the corner of your eye. 

“Oh,” he mumbles, not sure what to do for just a second. “Um, sit down?” He slowly guides you to the couch, sitting a considerable distance away from you. 

You know what comes next in the script. Sam apologises to Anna after realising how worried she was, and they kiss. They kiss. And if you’re going to be acting it out with Joe, you’re not sure you can handle it.

Even then, you’re trying to keep it under control. He can’t see why you’re so upset about such a simple thing. So when Joe looks at you questioningly, you only shake your head vigorously, reaching for the water bottle you’d placed on the coffee table.

“Look,” Joe begins, his voice gentle, “I get that you’re not an actor. And I get that this is a difficult task for you.” He goes on once you nod. “Are you sure you can’t pull out of the gig?”

“I’m sure,” you state, even though you’re not. You really want this extra credit, and you were going to get it. 

“Okay. Maybe we can try practicing another day. You’re tired. Aren’t you?” Joe hooks two fingers under your chin to get you to look at him. You can see the concern in his eyes, you can see that he cares about you and wants you to be okay. “You should get some sleep.”

“What if I do horribly?” Your question is meek. You almost already know the answer, but you still have to ask.

“You won’t.” Joe’s hand moves from your chin to your shoulder, squeezing once. “You have me, remember?” He smiles, wide and goofy, and for a minute you forget about the impending doom that’s going to come during your dress rehearsal. “I’ll get you whipped up for the role in no time!” He snaps his fingers.

You can’t help but giggle softly. 

“Sleepytime?” He asks, putting his hand on your back to guide you to stand up. 

But you don’t. You nod, and shuffle closer to Joe, putting your head on his shoulder. “Can you, um, can you call Lucy and tell her you’re staying over?”

“What?”

“I want you to stay.” You look up at him through your eyelashes, heart beating fast lest he says no. “Please?”

“Of course. Of course, sweetheart,” Joe whispers. His next words are a shout, “Yo, Ben!”

“A heads-up would’ve been nice,” you snap, rolling your eyes.

Joe grimaces, shouting again. “Benjamin!” 

Ben’s bedroom door opens immediately, with your roommate storming out, one airpod in his hand, the other in his ear. “What?” he hisses.

“Call Lucy and tell her I’m sleeping over.”

Ben cocks his head to the side. “I didn’t ask you to sleep over.” That’s when his eyes fully take in the visual in front of him. “Oh. Oh.” He smirks, “Okay. I’ll tell her you’re sleeping with Y/N tonight.”

Ben looks like he’s about to say something else, but a hot look from both you and Joe shuts him right up. He holds up his hands in defence, muttering, “I’ll let Lucy know,” before heading back into his room.

As soon as he’s gone, you turn to look at Joe, still leaning on him. “You’re sleeping with me tonight.” You wiggle your eyebrows and give him your best goofy eyes, and it looks like it works, because Joe’s face breaks into a smile and he shakes his head fondly.

“Can’t wait,” he whispers back with equal goofiness.

No more words are exchanged as Joe holds your hand to lead you to your room, waiting for you to change, and then tucks you into bed. As he slides into bed next to you - now changed into one of Ben’s shirts and a pair of sweatpants - you simply have to peep at him, watching as he lays down slowly, putting his hands on his chest. 

His chest rises and falls slowly, and you can see, even in the dark, he blinks. 

The logical part of your brain has no time to stop your heart before you’re reaching up to run a hand through his hair. 

Joe lets out a sharp breath, turning his body towards you and offering better access to his hair. “You’re not asleep?”

You say nothing. Joe can feel the tips of your fingers on his scalp, and it sends a wave of relaxation through him. Hesitantly, he asks, “Do you want to get closer?”

You wordlessly shuffle closer to him, your free hand reaching around his body. You can still play with his hair. And now, Joe can play with yours. You can tell why he likes it - it is very relaxing.

“I like sleeping with you,” you whisper, “just like this.”

Joe giggles softly, pressing a kiss to the crown of your head. “Me too. Just like this.”

You’re not sure which one of you falls asleep first. Just that it’s a very relaxing night for you. And that when you wake up, Joe is there to give you another kiss, this time on the lips. And that you kiss him back, mocking, “Just like this?”

“Yeah, like this too.” Joe sasses, still wrapped up in the high of kissing you.

You’re sure you don’t mind. You could spend night after night wrapped up in Joe’s arms, waking up to sleepy kisses. 

Just like this.

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#joe mazzello #joe mazzello x reader #joe mazzello fic #joe mazzello fanfiction #joe x reader #joe mazzello fanfic #bohemian rhapsody #borhap #borhap joe #borhap fic #borhap fanfic #borhap fanfiction #borhap x reader #brianprobablywill

[ectonurites]

im not gonna post the art i made about this until like its actually daytime not midnght but. its today. its the 6th anniversary of alaska’s death and wow. its just. hhhhhhhhhh. i dont know i feel like this shit is suposed to get easier as time goes on but it just feels like as fresh a wound as it did back then. i didnt even know her that long but just . having someone you considered a friend die like that just has an impacct. shes forever 15 and that just hurts while the rest of us have gone on and grown up and graduated high school and been able to live our lives. it jsut hurts that she never got to do that. at my mom’s boyfriend’s dad’s funeral this last november (i think? it was november? it was in the fall) it was in the same funeral home and it just i. i think thats part of what made this year seem even tougher again, standing in that same room which was the last place i saw her and her family and everything just. its so sad. i miss her and i wish i’d gotten more time with her so desperately. we’d just become frineds right after all the shit with my dad was finally comign to an end and it was going to be the start of a new like. i dont know a new era of my life or something ,, thats really what it felt like once we fnally got away from him. i met her the day after we got him arrested, she was the first person i ever met and befriended that never had to know me while i lived with my dad. but really her coma and death is what defined that school year. fucking 2014. how the fuck was it 2014 how was it that long ago. the world has changed so mcuh since then. i wish she was still here. 

#tw death // #tw suicide // #not about me thogh its an anniversary of someone i know's #like if you read i guess #if u knw me irl from high school era maybe perhaps dont read #college friends go for it i guess

[oscarryanchronicles]

I dont know what im doing

i mean that in every way. i dont know what im doing making this tumblr account at 1am in the morning. i dont dont what im doing with me life in general. i dont know why im typing all this shit on here like someones gonna see it and come give my life some fucking direction. ive been told that writing down your feelings can help your mental state but thats kinda hard when you dont really feel anything. what do i feel. i feel useless. i feel like no one really cares much about me. i feel like nothing i do is going to give my life any meaning. and i know that makes me seem depressing as fuck but for real whats the point of being alive. if i had motivation i could work hard and get myself the life that i really want of travelling, going on adventures, spending my existence enjoying it. if i was born into money that lifestyle would be easily obtainable and im sure id have other problems its not like having money is the only factor in determining happiness and fulfillment but it sure would make the process of finding meaning easier. and i cant even complain about my life that much. i wasnt physically abused my parents provided for me everything that i needed. my dad was a dick and apparently some of this shit he used to do would class as abuse but idk to me it didnt seem that bad. i just wish i could go back and change so much about my past but i cant and i dont even know if that would fix any of my problems. i wish i didnt move out of home when i was 17 with no plans to a city 5 hours from any of my family. i didnt even tell my parents i was leaving because at that point i didnt have a good relationship with them. my relationship with them has gotten a lot better but i wish it didnt take leaving and not talking to them for months for them to start caring. im 20 now i hate that i still let the past affect me that was 3 years ago and i cant go back in time to change shit so just move the fuck on and get over it. in those 3 years ive dropped out of 2 uni degrees. the first one i stuck with for a year and the second i dropped out in less than a month. impressive right. i have no idea what i want to do with my life. actually i think the problem is that i want to do too much but dont have the discipline to stick with anything long enough to achieve anything towards what i want. i sometimes think i have adhd because i cant concentrate on anything apart from the occasional thing i get hyperfixated on and spent all my time on for a few days until i get bored of that as well and ditch it never to touch it again. i have 3 instruments, a kayak, a sewing machine, embroidery shit, heaps of other shit just lying around because i impulsively thought yes im gonna commit to this and then never did. the only times i ever really feel happy are at like 5:30am at sunrise and the world is quiet and the sky looks nice and its just me chilling and i forget about my responsibilities for an hour or so until the sun comes up and eveything goes back to normal. the worst part about that tho is that i usually cant even force myself to get up and be happy for that hour or so. If i dont have to be up for anything ill sleep for 18 hrs a day which is annoying cause ill try to do something but ill just be so tired for no reason. like bro i just woke up 30 minutes ago and i slept 18 hrs yesterday how am i tired. one of my frineds thinks im depressed which i probably am but i haent gone to the doctor in a long time. part of me wants to just take all the drugs to try to feel happy but another part of me is like nah better not while just being a miserable fuck. i dont like being miserable so i should do something about it. but then the lack of motivation and discipline come into play again. i dont know why im typing this and no ones even gonna read it and ill probably forget about this account and post and everything by tomorrow anyway

[ivarswickedqueen]

Fever - part 6

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5

Word Account:around 2300

Paring:Alex x reader x Marco 

Warnings: fingering, oral sex (female and male receiving).

Tags:  @akamaiden,@heathen-whore,@missrobyn81,@starfox-92, @kikuthestrange,@cc8302,@cbouvier23,@kerouacsroad,@ivars-snowflake,@alicedopey,@mblaqgi, @steadypiepsychicflower, @kenzieam @gwilson937, @perfectus-in-morte, @imnotinsanehunny, @vikingsandetc,@opalscarab,@captstefanbrandt,@proudcoiler88, @ilvebeenabad,@titty-teetee,@ivarsshieldmadien,@kuollut-talven, @ivarsrideordie,@minarawr, @mrstheorossix3, @atequila, @lol-haha-joke

Gif belongs to @bonniebirdsgifcentre

As always English is not my first language so I apologize for grammar mistakes.

"I'm so tired. All I want to do is snuggle up to Y/N and sleep" Marco told Alex, when they entered their building.

"Night scenes are so exhausting" Alex agreed.

"I need a long shower and at least 10 hours of sleep" he whined. They were shooting a night scenes in Kattegat and their schedule was crazy this week. They persuaded you to stay with them in their apartment, so you could at least enjoy being in each other's presence at night. They usually came back home around 3 AM, just like today, and woke up around noon, when you were already at work. And when you came back from work, they were already gone. You lived with them, but you barely saw them. Cuddling up against each other in the middle of the night was all you got in the last few days. They quietly opened the door to their apartment. They took off their jackets, when they heard your voice from the bedroom.

"Why is she awake at 3AM?" Marco asked.

"I don't know, maybe she's waiting for us?" Alex suggested and shrugged his shoulders.

"Marco" they heard your soft moan, when they got closer to the bedroom.

"It seems, like our girl, is misbehaving again. I guess she didn't learn her lesson last time" Alex smirked and nudged Marco's shoulder.

"And do you think that pretending to be Ivar, spanking her and fucking her brains out is a punishment? You are not supposed to be enjoying your punishment," Marco sassed and bumped his shoulder playfully against Alex's.

"You know, that I had to do that, right? It was so tempting," his eyes went slightly glazed, and his lips curved, obviously at a recalled memory. Your face, when he crawled out of his room, was priceless.

"You plan to do that again, don't you?" Marco asked his best frined and tried not to sound jealous.

"Definitely. But not tonight. I've had enough Ivar for one day" Alex chuckled and they both slowly opened the bedroom door. They expected to find you there, fingering yourself and staring at them like a deer caught in the headlights. But they were speechless, when they peaked inside the bedroom. You were lying in bed. Sleeping. You were having a nasty dream. That was the reason, why you were moaning Marco's name.

"Fuck!" Marco cursed and watched you in awe. Your eyes were closed, you were tossing in the king-sized bed, arching your back and moaning.

"Marco" you moaned again, your hands were fisting the bedsheets, causing his cock to instantly react, his pants were suddenly too tight for him.

"Jesus, kitten" he whispered under his breath. Alex slowly approached the bed and whispered quietly.

"Y/N, are you awake?" he tried, but you didn't react.

"Marcooo" you sobbed.

"Come on man, what are you doing to our girl?" Alex chuckled quietly and turned to Marco, who was completely ignoring him. He couldn't take his eyes off your face. You looked like you're having a time of your life. Alex desided that looking at you isn't enough, so he slowly and carefully took away your blanket, because he didn't want to wake you up. You were sleeping in your see through nightgown. They watched as your nipples stood erect underneath the thin material, your legs slightly opened, giving them a full view of your soaking wet entrance. You stopped wearing panties weeks ago. It was practical, they usually tore them apart or kept them for themselves. Marco licked his lips, looking hungrily at your slick folds. Alex knelt next to the bed and carefully run his thumb across them making you moan in your sleep.

"Marco" you moaned again. Alex sucked his thumb, growling lowly at your taste.

"Fuck Marco, I think we have to help her. We've been kind of neglecting her lately," he suggested and Marco nodded.

"The question is, who will help her. Me or you?" Marco asked his best friend, his voice hoarse with lust.

"Well, my friend, she's moaning your name," Alex winked and walked towards Marco.

"Go on!" he pushed him towards you and leaned against the door frame. Marco finally snapped out of his trance and took off his clothes. He climbed up on the bed, crawled between your long legs, and slowly leaned over. He was lucky that you wasn't light sleeper. He bit his lips and quietly whispered:

"Bloody hell, kitten," he licked from your entrance all the way up to your clit, making you moan louder. He started making little circles around your clit, making you squirm underneath him, your breath quickened, but you were still asleep. He buried his face deeper into your cunt, lapping at your juices, his tongue teasing your walls. You arched your back, your eyelids started fluttering a little.

"I think she's waking up," Alex chuckled, obviously enjoying the scene before him. Marco's tongue was replaced by his fingers, pushing them in and out of you with ease, his lips wrapped around your clit. You were so aroused, that Marco brought you to your orgasm quickly. He sucked harder on your clit and your walls clenched convulsively around his fingers. You came, moaning his name loudly, your eyes flew open.

"Marco??" you whispered, confused and aroused at the same time.

"W-w-what are you d-d-doing?" you stuttered, because he kept sucking and licking at your clit, prolonging your orgasm as long as he could.

"We came home, and found you here. Moaning his name," Alex snickered and you noticed him, leaning against the door frame.

"Alex?" you were still half asleep and confused about what's happening.

"You were dreaming about Marco. You were dreaming about him fucking you real good. So he made your dream come true," he smirked and you rolled your eyes, when Marco made you cum for the second time in a row. He crawled on top of you and kissed you, making you taste yourself on his lips.

"This is the best wake up call ever," you laughed and kissed him deeply, showing him how much you enjoyed his attention. You got on your knees and crawled towards Alex.

"Will you join us?" you asked him, swaying your hips seducively and displaying your body before him.

"Not tonight, love. I am really tired, and I need a long relaxing shower, I've been crawling through the mud all night," he kissed you passionately making your toes curl. You pouted and watched his fine ass leaving the room. But you forgot about Alex, when you felt Marco's tip at your entrance, slowly sliding into you, making you moan lowly.

"Does it feel good, kitten?" he held you by your hips, slowly pushing in and out of you.

"Yes Marco," you wiggled your ass, trying to make him move faster, but he kept the slow rhytm.

"Marco" you whined desperately.

"What do you need, kitten?" he asked you smugly, knowing exactly, what you want from him, running his hands across your back, gently carresing your skin.

"Please," you begged.

"Please what?" he asked again, increasing the speed little bit, slipping his hand between your legs, rubbing your clit painfully slow.

"Harder, faster, Marco please. Fuck me harder," you begged, trying to roll your hips against his, but he held you firmly in place.

"Marco!!!" you sobbed, tears running down your face. You were so frustrated, this slow rhythm was killing you. He stopped rubbing you clit and both of his hands moved to your breasts, kneading them in his big hands, pulling at your sensitive nipples, rolling them between his fingers, while his hips kept the same slow pace.

"Why are you doing this to me?" you whined and started playing with your clit furiously. He swatted your hand away.

"Bad kitten!!" he scolded you and slowed down. He was barely moving inside you.

"I'm sorry Marco, but please, move faster, you are killing me," you pleaded. He started moving little bit faster, but still painfully slow for your liking.

"I know you like it rough, kitten. But I am in charge tonight. I'll make you cum in this slow pace, I don't care how long it will take," he kissed your neck, gently kissing your soft skin, his fingers returned to your sensitive nub, rubbing it gently. He kept doing it for several minutes, until you finally felt the familiar sensations of an orgasm growing faster and stronger than ever. Your walls started clenching around his cock, and Marco finally started moving faster, unable to hold himself back any longer. His warm seed coated your walls and you came hard, your mind went blank for a moment. You moaned his name loudly, falling on the bed, totally exhausted.

"That was something else," you huffed. Marco smiled cheekily at you, pulling you into his warm embrace and he slowly fell asleep. He was really tired. You were thirsty and needed something to drink. You wriggled out of his arms and walked outside the bedroom. You opened the door, when you heard the water running, coming from inside the bathroom. You bit your lip anciously. You knew Alex said that he is tired, but you wanted him, it was tempting. And you needed a shower anyway. You opened the door to the bathroom and bit your lip, when you saw Alex in the shower, standing naked beneath the running water. With the water running down his muscular body, he's even more gorgeous than usual. He was humming something softly, his voice echoing through the small space. You wasn't able to resist. You opened the door and stepped inside. He knew about you, he felt the cool air on his skin, when you opened the door. You ran your hands lightly over his back, feeling the ridges of muscle flex beneath your fingertips.

"What are you doing here, love?" he asked and slowly turned and looked at you.

"I need a shower. And you know the famous motto: Save Water, Shower Together," you answered cheekily.

"Really?" he watched you intently not making any moves.

"Yeah," you hummed and grabbed the bath sponge and poured his body wash into it. You started washing his broad shoulders and chest, enjoying his toned abs under your fingers.

"I've already washed myself," Alex said, but didn't stop you.

"I don't care," you stucked your tongue out at him and continued your journey down his body. When the water washed away the body wash you took his nipples in your mouth. Alex stroked your hair as you kissed and licked his chest, giving his nipples extra attention. You went down kissing his body till you stopped at his v-line. His breath hitched. You were scrubbing him down, moving the bath sponge up and down his long legs, your pussy was throbbing and his beautiful cock was in your face. You couldn't take it anymore.

"Y/N!” he moaned, when you wrapped your hand around his cock, you held his thick cock in your hand and used the body wash to stroke him from the base to the tip and back down again. He groaned as the water washed away the soap and created more friction, you began to pump your fist up and down, grazing your thumb over the already swollen tip. Your other hand cradled his balls, gently rubbing the sensitive spot behind them. You flicked your tongue against his head, and circled around the edges of it, you placed your mouth over it, and began sucking. You then took his member into your mouth and bobbed your head up and down.

"Stop!" he commanded, but you couldn't, you kept sucking his cock, moaning around him.

"I said stop, I want to cum inside you!" before you knew it, he had you pinned against the wall. He pressed into you, filling you to the hilt and making you scream in pleasure and pain. Alex pulled out nearly all the way and thrusted deep and hard back into your pussy.

"Fuck, Alex!" you cursed, when he started hammering into you relentlesly, streaching you wide. The sound of your skin slapping together filled the bathroom. You needed this, after the slow love making with Marco you needed to be fucked hard and fast. And Alex was more than willing to give it to you.

"You are beautiful, so tight around my dick," he murmured against your ear, kissing his way down your jawline and neck until he reached the area, where it meets your shoulders and he bit it!

"Who's making you feel so good, love?" he asked.

"Alex," you moaned loudly.

"Louder," he demanded, smacking your ass.

"ALEX!!!" you yelled, not giving a damn who could hear you.

"Damn right," he smirked and started rubbing your clit roughly. Loud moans came from your mouth as Alex relentlessly pounded into you over and over again.

"You fuck me so good, don't stop, please don't stop, Alex," you begged, wrapping your legs around his waist, pushing your heels against his ass. Alex growled lowly and pulled all the way out of you ever so slowly then slams back in, your body shaked at the force of it. He snapped his hips into you faster and harder. Your hot breath mingling and noses bumping with each other. Moaning and panting in unison. You exploded with bliss, your pussy clenching his cock, forcing him over the edge.

You both stepped out of the shower and Alex took big white towel from the holder and started drying your skin. He began massaging your breasts and you felt your nipples hardening under his touch again. 

“I thought you are tired” you moaned out when he wrapped his mouth around your nipple. 

“I was tired, but right now, I am hungry,” he smirked deviously at you, and you knew that you two won't get any sleep tonight...

A/N: Little spoiler for next chapter: If you guys enjoyed chapter number 5, you will definitely enjoy chapter 7 😉😉😏

PART 7

MASTERLIST

#alex høgh andersen #alex høgh andersen fanfic #alex høgh andersen x reader #marco ilsø #marco ilsø x reader #marco ilsø fanfic #vikings imagine #fever #alex hogh anderson #marco ilso

[atypicalnobody]

02.18

So far... fuck the rest THIS DAY was the fucking worst.

On Wednesday i got drunk as fuck. The whole day i spiraled into bad thoughts.

how i cant feel

everything is fake plastic

i feel like im dreaming all the time

and even the thought of something good or really bad doesn't make me feel nothing. I couldn't understand now am i fucked up. like maybe this is just life.

Right?

But why doesn't it feel right. I thought half of a 500 ml bottel of vodka would numb the conversations in my head. So i drank and drank. Till of of the bottle was gone. At first i didn't want to talk to Her. I was mad remembering that She feels that im taking away Her own life away that i just need Her so much that She doesn't have time for school stuff or frineds...

I mean its not true intirely. There's such a big need that i have to have Her and yes when She leaves ma alone i get distrocive or very distant... but we can make it work. There's a lot of time we do nothing just chill. She can write to Her friends then or when She wants to see them She can plan ahead and it will be easier mentally for me to adjust my brain... i just i know im a lot and i need a lot now but i dont see it like "i want to claim Her and take Her whole life away from Her".

How am i suppose to know that this weekend You want to meet up with someone if You don't tell me. Besides the fact that She sites at home here and there and there are days and time when She can meet up with someone and She doesn't. So how am i suppose to know when i can offer Her to come over?

I'm so angry at this and so sad...

I cant even think straight. So now its Wednesday. I staid far away. I drank in peace. Bored as hell like always but it was fine. Then She wrote to me and we talked. It was fine. I grabbed my diary to write down what i felt and that broke me.

I felt three tears dripping down my checks and suddenly i flipped.

Those tears felt so shallow so heavy almost fake. I got into the spiral of not feeling nothing and even thinking about not feeling nothing didn't make me sad as it should ao i got mad even more.

I wrote to Her that i want to kill myself. That im lost. I barely hit the keyboards to the point that most of what i wrote was unreadable. I said i have to go. And i blacked out. Later at night i found myself in bed and took my pants of and continued sleeping. I had no idea what i wrote to Her before. I completely blacked out.

The next morning i was still drunk. I texted Her and what She wrote back just...

She was so cold. Didn't want to talk. Responded to my texts with one word or two.

i hate

god i go mad

when She's like this.

I cant stand the science the pushing away. Like we're strangers or even less.

I begged Her to give me at least 15 minutes of Her break in between lessons- she finally said yes. I rushed to school. Crying all the way and shaking. I broke Her

I did it

It took a fair amount of time

But She was broken... by me.

I knew it. I just... with every day She showed up and held my corpse shaped like a body I knew this would happen.

I felt so guilty every time I took Her time. Every time I spoke about how bad I feel.

So guilty.

She told me it's particularly a lot for Her to hold someone up. That She never had to and She just doesn't have that much strength.

I don't blame Her. Yeah it's sad since everybody craves so deeply people to just fall on and count on whenever they need to but I do know I'm a lot now. And it turns out that even when I feel not the worst I'm still far from letting Her take a load off.

I'm heavy

I know

I'm a lot

I know

but I need Her...

So what am I supposed to do?

I can tell Her less. Keep more to myself. See Her less often. But that won't make Her not worry. That won't make Her love me more. All it'll do is spread us further apart... I don't want that. I love what we have this- closeness that we have, so much. I remember just a year ago how I stood completely amazed gazing into Her eyes, analyzing Her skin up close that this is so beautiful what we have and what I doubted from the bottom of my heart that I will ever have.

So I'm not willing to put that in jepardy because what... I'm sick? I love Her... so much. I'm not giving up on us. I'm not.

Thursday the worst day began like that and followed with me crying with tears of so much pain and frigth... I thought I would lose Her that day. I thought She had to leave. It took one more bottle of alcohol and sad misspelled text and a sleepless night and I knew I lost Her. I assured Her nothing happened. I didn't cut. I didn't burn myself. Just got drunk. She stood strong in Her feelings. I didn't know why She felt that way but I did know I didn't have to cut my veins out for Her to have enough. The feeling of knowing that I'm alone kilometers away from anybody, balls deep drunk and suicidal was far far far enough for Her to break. I would have gone mad just as much as She did. Oh how many times I was in Her position. She explained that She is going crazy. That when She was in a good place mentally She could manage holding me up. But now... since 2 weeks ago She's back in that in depression state. So it's harder than ever for Her...just to be next to me.

[thebrainrack]

January 4th, 2018: Free Thoughts

Blockbuster VIdeo Driving through little towns to get to a big town Car broken down in a small town Car broken down in a big town but it still takes time People sleeping in their cars Being “in between homes”  When it rains it pours Doesn’t that just mean the exact samething? When things get bad, they also get bad?  Peak TV and how its not gone yet I have a pain in my side and I don’t know what it is A lizard growing in a little part of your skin That lizard being weird around all his lizard frineds Public school being better than private school Public school trains you for the real world Private school trains you for more private schools A boy who vows to go to school his entire life Workout-type writers

[juesy143-blog]

Conflicted

I feel so conflicted right now, almost like my destiny is being torn in different directions. This is my 8 day in Taicang and a lot has transpired.

In the 8 days since I’ve touched down:

*The kava was successfully shipped into the Amazon fulfilment centre

*I’ve been quite busy advertising and promoting on fb, which has been an immense amount of learning but at the same time an experience I feel has enriched my knowledge of marketing principles and made me appreciate the hard work of small businesses.

*Went to a huge international trade expo in the Chinese city of Yiwu. This was an eye-opener in that I truly felt I realised the enormous scale with which China has come to dominate manufacturing. Yiwu market has more than 70,000 stalls each one representing a factory selling almost anything you can imagine.

*On the trip to Yiwu - where we travelled by high speed rail - one of the managers on the trip (who I really like because she called me “handsome”) recommended me to her friend who runs an English training centre. She quickly snapped my pic and sent it to her friend and arranged an interview for the next day.This was so surreal because I’d only been in the country for 3 days.

*The interview was nerve wracking but different to what I’m used to. Both N and the manager were present and praised me continuously. I was deeply flattered and a little bit awkward lol. Suffice to say I got the position as a part time English tutor with the understanding that it was perfectly fine for me to work during the day elsewhere. The boss (lets call her C) was very accommodating of my interests of a career but was extremely happy for me to work part-time. But the question of visa quickly arose as an issue.

*N’s company is willing to sponsor me for a visa but it will take some time. I really don’t want them to spend so much effort on me. they are willing to give me a fake position within the company and let me work with them with our plans of international trade to Tonga.

*I’ve been going into Nancy’s office every weekday now, and its fun. I have tasks I can help them with, but still plenty of time to work on the kava business.

On one hand I’m so excited to have all these resources and knowledgeable personnel, but at the same time something is tugging at the back of my mind. I’ve isolated it down to several reasons:

1. I would make more money in Australia, though to be fair the cost of living is much higher there

2. I don’t really have much independence here. I’m mostly just accompanying N everywhere and live in her apartment.

3. I miss my family and friends back home. I’ve been gone for about 10 months now.

4. My family and I are having doubts about business in Tonga because of the screw-ups of some of our family there. When I visited Tonga 3 months ago, there were so many exciting ideas for business, but now I filled with doubt because of the drama with my family there who I truly thought I could trust (Sipa).

5. I don’t really know anyone in Taicang except Nancy so I’m missing my classmates from last semester.

6. Thailand keeps calling my spirit. I don’t what it is about that place, but my frineds in Thailand are beckoning me and my best friend M in Australia visits so often and I always want to accompany him.

It’s moments like these that I wish I could clone myself and live these multiple lives...or talk to my future self and ask his advice. 

Dear future me, I hope you are reading this happy and content. Did we make the right choice in the end? Did something come out of this, or did I return and resume my normal life in Aus?  

[ohmygoshmymentalhealthstory-blog]

Demons in My head whilst im trying to relax

Right so here I am trying to relax and all these bloody demons in my head im trying to relax eating away at my thoughts and I dont get it my recent demon is my cunt of an ex keeps eating away at my brain feeling sick feeling mad feeling sad but whos winning me I am winning I have a beautiful new girlfriend who is stunning and goergues I have a beautiful flat the size of two massive houses maybe my new stunning girlfriend will live here with me one day.

Ohhh demons fuck off how can I explain you DEMONS DEMONS TAKING AWAY MY APPITIE BECAUSE YOURE SO UGLY SO DOOM SO GLOOM SO BLOODY SHIT YOU MAY HAVE ME LAYING IN A TOMB ONE DAY 

But I fight I stay strong as I ride my lion through the jungle of emtions ohhh how you are unstable how you affect my personality. you sit in my head waiting for me to bite hell no not tonight not tonight I wont hold tight you wont hold me back I wont stare into the blackness I wont be held back I gotta many wounds in my back it started with one now one hundered am I a beat poet I dot know well I aint no rapper I aint no slacker the pictures the thoughts the things that happened to me you ugly demons leave alone I wanna go home but is that guenine I jus wanna tell you these demons are evil evil con evil little shit heads in my brain I pop pills to take away the pain gone days without food I wish I could get the justice for what you did to me you bunch of cuntwit fuck fuck fuck 

Come at me with all you got demons  fire you're bullets damage my brain make me feel the pain make me feel sued do what you can do to hurt me murder me if you must hit me with all you got 

Make me feel bad make me feel mad make me hate do youre best to discriminate and make me feel bad make me feel mad 

Voices in my head telling me I should be dead have a cardic arrest loose control of my bladders theres so many of you voices telling me so many negitive things telling me I lost my socks in the plug hole of life telling me I gonna die on public transportation telling me im a paraniod schizopherinc telling me im bad and a gangster the life I ner had oh voices fuck off tell me somthing good for once in a while you dirty nonces you head bounces its a mind fuck.

And I never told you I was a victim of catorgry A Pedophilia thanks Mum for your sexual Narcosistic and physical abuse thanks for the beatings because without out them I wouldnt e broad without the drugs I wouldnt be tolarent the times you drugged my tied me up and sexual a physically abused me you fat cunt I AM A SURVIVOUR I SURVIED YOURE SHIT AND WITHOUT YOURE CONSTANT ABUSE I WOULDNT BE AS STONG AS I AM TODAY  I SURVIVED YOURE SHIT YOURE ABUSSSSEEEE NOW IM STRONG NOW I AM MIGHTY NOW I AM BROAD STIFF AS A FUCKING BORED 

So when my legs give up and Im solider fucked body like an ex war vetran walking up the hill with more bullets hitting me at mighty speeds im trying not to hit the groud I look up with the mud on my face and the blood on my hands grab the dirt as it runs through my fingers and stare into the face of the main demon you know who you are you evil bitch you aint nothing to what I dealt with before I stare you in youre ugly fat face and say fuck me look at you haha then now it gets comical haha look at the state of you you for real you fat demon 

okay so here goes why did I fall for you you fat bitch hair on youre  back hair on youre face ugly as fuck youre os fake so whens the real you gonna stand up wheres  the real you gonna stand up fuck you fuck youre Mum and youre stupid family tooooo haha am I going to far hooo im sorry you mad well take it this way you look like youre Dad you sure you aint got some transistion thing going on / I know but you have Jamie/ well look whos using that against me you look like a disfunctional lad more hair on youre face than youre Dad why did I ever date u youre fat ohhh now youre mad dysfunctional hairy ugly cant even stand u for 2 mins on a bus always had to get you a seat cant stand the heat must always take youre fat weight of youre feet cant climb the stairs with out almost having a cardiac arrest oh dearrrr my frined youre fat hairy and ugly why the fuck I need you haha look at the state of you you fat bitch you ugly  round the caldroun agian cackling  again boiling some rotten fish stink of youre dont even wanna say think I done enough damage dont you miss you know I never told you you stink off piss erhhh whyd i go with you must be outta my mind well thats enough Paula Finn think I sinnned enough well you hurt me so I got you back this is all true now go sniff some glue then go step in dog poo I dont miss you youre outta my life aha haha go back to the bakery eat some buns then go blind everyone in youre bikini out in the sun.

See I got that demon straight out there oh did I mention her erh erh looks like a pair of balls what was I thinking haha oh well theres that demon gone bye bye gal haha

You see it takes alot to get me down I stand tall through everything that was honsetly the biggest demon in my head was her but if I look back I was bloody misrable with her anyway now as I pull up from the ground and dust myself off and reload my gun after that massive arry of bullets that jus got shot out of it I clean the blood off my face wipe the dirt off my hands ans start marching again thats the main demon on my mind destroyed shes dead gone now time to start a new a fresh as I march off awaiting my next challenge with a smile on my face im happy I destroyed Paula Finn Metophrically shes been gunned down now to move on with my goals and my beautiful new partner.

#demon #ex #mental disorder #recovery #actually eupd #autism #actually bpd #bpd problems #story #take me with you #lose yourself #@eminem #eminem #@eminem blogger mentalproblems MyStory my feeling #my feels are all over the place #exgf #fuck #positive mental attitude #mental health #mentally ill #mentally unstable #stories #storm

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What is a fast but cheap to insure car?

"What is a fast but cheap to insure car?

In response to salim, the slower car has 192 bhp, the faster car has 280bhp, i wasnt saying that slower the car the more to insure i was giving an example of 2 cars similarly matched but one a fair bit slower in terms of already fast cars. Therefore why is it that the quicker of the two cars with almost 100more horsepower is cheaper to insure, as i said similar cars different makes, so what are the cheapest?

BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://averageinsurancecosts.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 

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i wanna know how much car insurance payment will it cost me per month at triple A insurance at bakersfield california.

What is a fast but cheap to insure car?

In response to salim, the slower car has 192 bhp, the faster car has 280bhp, i wasnt saying that slower the car the more to insure i was giving an example of 2 cars similarly matched but one a fair bit slower in terms of already fast cars. Therefore why is it that the quicker of the two cars with almost 100more horsepower is cheaper to insure, as i said similar cars different makes, so what are the cheapest?

In Southern California where is the best place to get a perscription with out insurance?

I have Strep throat and need Medication!

Best car and insurance for 18 year old?

Hey, just looking for some advice for the cheapest possible way to get a car and insurance (not necessarily together) for less than 4,000 a year? I knows there's schemes like Young Marmalade, but I'd rather know what's going to happen with my insurance after the 1st year, but at the moment they do seem like the best option. Any help appreciated! :-)""

How much money will I need for health insurance if I retire at 56?

I'm thinking of possibly retiring when I'm 56. I'm 55 now. I have about $60,000 saved for health insurance purposes. I will not be eligible for any tax credits through Obama-Care as I have too much money saved up. Will $60,000 be enough to pay for health insurance till I'm 65?""

How much would insurance cost for a 16 year old?

I want to buy a 1 year old camaro but was wondering how much insurance would cost for a 16 year old male. I need an estimate for the cheapest insurance. Even if the liability is really small.

Does auto insurance cover theft of vehicle if you leave keys in car?

i got my car stolen from my home driveway in the middle of the night. i carry full coverage with $500 deductible and also gap (guaranteed asset protection) but could not find my keys the next morning either. i feel sure i could not have left them in the car (08 accord) because it dings extremely loud and that is something that i never do. i always lock my car and i am mystified as to where the keys are. i am concerned that my policy will not cover me if it is determined that keys may likely have been in the vehicle. thoughts or advice?

Do you need insurance before you own a car and before you have your license?

I already have my permit, after I am done with my 6 hours do you need insurance to drive your own car?""

Any one had a query about motor insurance?

Ive just had my car insurance quote from Norwich Union Direct they quoted 938. i rang them up and they dropped it to 700,then i went on the web to www.money supermarket and went on to car insurance i can get the same deal from the A .A. for 508.30 any one else tried the same""

Baby Insurance at 19?

I doubt it will, but, I am 19 years old and I am still on my mom's insurance plan. So if I were to get pregnant, would the insurance cover my baby's delivery and pregnancy appointments or would I still have to pay the noninsured payments.""

How much in costs would I be looking at and what car would you reccomend to get?

This is in UK and my first car. I'm getting a car at 17 but it needs to have these features: - Cheap on petrol - Cheap on insurance - Cheap to buy used like really cheap - Four doors (optional) Yeah so what would you recommended and how much would I be looking at in total costs per month including tax, insurance and petrol (excluding the price of the actual car). I will be using it around 3 hours a week.""

Bill to allow insurance plans to not cover Obamacare requirements?

There is a bill going through Congress that would allow insurance companies to offer insurance plans that do not meet the standards of Obamacare. It has even gained some Democratic ...show more

How does business insurance work in a lawsuit?

As a small business, I'm finally getting around to looking at business insurance. God forbid I should get sued, but that would be the only reason I would get insurance at this point. If I get sued (assuming I did nothing wrong that would terminate coverage), what are my responsibilities with regard to paying legal fees? What role will the insurance company play or what control will they have in the litigation process?""

Can anyone help with car insurance?

I'm 17 and I passed my test about 2 months ago. I am looking to buy a Peugeot 306 and insure it with my mum as main driver as she is not a main driver on any another policy then have me as named driver. The only problem is that she doesnt have any No Claims Bonus as she is named driver on my dad's insurance. Could anyone tell me which company might be cheapest to do this with please?

Is car insurance sexist?

im a guy trying to get a car and am being penalized on car insurance being quoted 10k for a 400 car yet the insurance quoted offers the same coverage for only 5k if i selected gender ...show more

""Why do libs think health care is a right? What next, car insurance? How about free food for everyone?""

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of 'Free' Health Care Every new 'right' the U.S. government has promised has turned into a massively expensive failure, yet the media continue to cheer supporters of tax-funded programs. Americans are obsessed with rights. We always have been. But the concept of rights our forefathers laid out in the Declaration of Independence has changed dramatically. Those rights  life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness  were acknowledged to come from the Almighty, given equally to all people. Todays rights come from Almighty Government. Health care is the newest right. From presidential candidates universal plans to the return of HillaryCare to Michael Moores movie Sicko, its all over the media. Calling it a right is an emotional argument advanced by those who want others to pay for their health care. They bring out the children and ask whether anyone can deny them the basic human right of health care  but dont bother with the evidence showing how health care in this country would be harmed by government control. A look at other modern rights might give us a clue about how well a new system would work. These rights started out as privileges, among them education and a paid retirement. Now education is not only considered a right, its a mandate. How well has it worked? American students attend school at least until their teen years, but 15-year-olds ranked 24th out of 29 countries in aptitude for real-life math problems, according to The Washington Post. Literacy surveys suggest one in five American adults is functionally illiterate. And taxpayers keep shelling out money to fund the system. Americans also cherish the right to retire  but we expect to be supported in our old age. Younger workers and employers are forced to support retirees, funding another right. And how well has that worked? The poorly designed, outdated Social Security system is disintegrating rapidly as the number of retirees balloons. But once youve established a right, its difficult to take it away. The government, which promises such rights, must go to its sugar daddy  taxpayers  to keep the rights coming. Were already well on our way toward the health care right/mandate. Want to be more like Canada? Its not that far off. Catos Michael Cannon has pointed out that third parties in America pay 86 cents of every dollar of our health care  about the same as Canadas socialized system. What we  or rather, those third parties  pay for health care is already determined by the government as well. Emory University medical professor Robert Swerlick has noted that the pricing of medical care in this country is either directly or indirectly dictated by Medicare. This market meddling even causes doctor shortages, he says, in needed areas of specialty. Prescription drugs are already considered a right, thanks to political moves like the Medicare drug benefit and massive media support. A Business & Media Institute study found broadcast journalists treating prescription drugs as though they grew on trees. Overall, the coverage supported the idea that medications should magically be available to everyone at far lower costs. Of course, the magic behind new rights is your money. Cannon and fellow Cato expert Michael Tanner explained problems with tax-funded care in their book Healthy Competition: Whats Holding Back Health Care and How to Free It. If health care is guaranteed to everyone, how much does everyone get? Who decides who receives what, and how would the care be administered? What happens if everyone wants the most expensive treatment available? With the wide variety of medical tests and treatments that consumers may claim as their right, someone at some point must decide where the right to health care ends, lest the nation be bankrupted, they wrote. Were well on our way toward that as well. Our rights to Social Security and Medicare devour about 40 percent of the federal budget. State and local property tax revenue, which normally funds education, mushroomed about 35 percent between 2000 and 2005, according to the Tax Foundation. We cant afford any more rights like that. But the left says tax-funded care is right for the children. Meanwhile, what becomes of them? Theyre growing up in an America where the rights mentality is deeply ingrained, and the media continue to feed them with it. When the children come of age, perhaps theyll want the right to a job. They wont remember that France already tested that idea for us, and it led to high unemployment and rioting. Perhaps theyll guarantee Disney vacations for all families and force childless Americans to pay for it. The pursuit of will conveniently fade away as they look to government to guarantee happiness. They will know less and less of a true right  liberty  and have no idea where it comes from.""

How much will my insurance go up with 4 speeding tickets in 1 and 1/2 years?

I just received my fourth and fifth speeding tickets in the past year and a half. Yes, I know that is completely ridiculous. I am still covered with my parents auto insurance and while my license is not suspended, my parents will not allow me to drive anymore if they find out about them. I attended traffic school for 1/5 citations, so it should not show up to my insurance company. Does anybody happen to know how much my insurance rates will increase with these last two tickets, or if they will even still cover me? Thanks!""

What is the cheapest Insurance?

There are too many and I get very confused. I'm getting a 1999 Nissan Sentra. I am a new driver, I have yet to get my license since I need a car to practice on. I am 19 years old.""

""Insurance rates for a 21 year old male, CA?""

I got my license when I was 19. I've been driving for two and a half years and barely found out I am not on my parents insurance. I was planning on buying a brand new car but I am now worried about insruance rates. I know they'll be high, but how high. I know insurance rates are based on age and experience. Is it likely I will be charged more because I have never been insured? Last time I checked for insurance I got calls for about 5 weeks straight. This time I don't want to give out any personal information. My question basically is will never previously having insurance before affect my rates?""

Why are my insurance quotes so high?

I have tried searching for insurance on my moms car which is a Suzuki Swift GL 1.3 and I'm getting back quotes of 10,949.50 cheapest fully comprehensive and 6,404.20 Third Part, Fire and Theft. I passed my test january this year and I'm 18, I had temporary insurance on the car for a month in april and a week in june, the month in april cost 55 with Tesco and the week in june cost 70 with another company. I've also tried searching for insurance on other smaller engined cars like a citroen saxo 1.1i SX and got cheapest price coming back at 4,777.63 I live in Birmingham and have set it as the car being parked in the garage over night. Am I doing something wrong?""

Insurance question for duis?

Alright, im 22 years old and i have 3 duis in a matter of 2 years. Im getting my liscence back in 5 months after losing it for a year. how much will my insurance be so i can be ready for the cost?""

Do I Need A Drivers License To Obtain Car Insurance?

Do I Need A Drivers License To Obtain Car Insurance?

Who do you speak to when your auto insurance is not paying you for the total damage done to yor vehicle.?

CAR WAS TOTAL , INSURANCE COMPANY NOT PAYING FULL VALUE. IS THERE A AGENCY THAT OVERSEES THESE MATTERS.""

What is the cheapest motorcycle insurance?

so im gonna get a motorcycle but i dont know much about all the insurance and stuff..and i just wanted to know which is the cheapest? i go to school with a guy who pays $80 every 3 months, which is only about $26 every month, which seems like a pretty good deal.""

How to get around paying the over priced rate of car insurance for teenage drivers ?

Does anyone know of a reasonable insurance company for auto insurance ? We just added our teenage driver to our policy and it went up $400. She doesn't even have a car. I have a 2007 Dodge Charger and my husband has a 2004 Chevy Avalanche.

Can car insurance be in both my name and my wifes?

I just sold my car, and am waiting 3 months to buy a new car. My job requires that i have car insurance ( i dont know why since i dont drive for my job) I faxed a copy of my wifes insurance. Can my name be added on to the insurance, or do i need to get seperate insurance?""

Anyone know of any affordable dental insurance? ?

i work full time, and want to have some dental work done, i was looking online, not having any luck.""

What is a fast but cheap to insure car?

In response to salim, the slower car has 192 bhp, the faster car has 280bhp, i wasnt saying that slower the car the more to insure i was giving an example of 2 cars similarly matched but one a fair bit slower in terms of already fast cars. Therefore why is it that the quicker of the two cars with almost 100more horsepower is cheaper to insure, as i said similar cars different makes, so what are the cheapest?

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/travelers-insurance-quote-number-matthew-jackson/"

[yourcertainstudentlight-blog]

What does ho-140 mean?deductible clause in home owners insurance?

"What does ho-140 mean?deductible clause in home owners insurance?

What does ho-140 mean?deductible clause in home owners insurance?

BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://financeandcreditsolutions.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 

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Whats the difference between insurance and bonded insurance on roofs?

i started my construction business and im looking for some good insurance, and im not too sure whats the difference between a regular construction business insurance and bonded insurance? any suggestions?""

Insurance rates in EU and russia?

Who can make an advice - how averrage insurance rates (I mean the average cost of Insurence police for, say, compulsory motor insurance, etc) are compared in the EU (France, Germany, UK, Sweden) and Russia (Moscow, St. Petersburg)?""

What company has the least expensive auto insurance for young drivers?

Does anyone know of an insurance company that is reasonable with it's rates for a young lady driver with a good driving record but bad credit? Full coverage is needed on the vehicle. Thank you for your time and your answers.

How should I insure a car? Or should I?

Hello Everyone, I'm 17 years old and have just recently gotten my license (G2). I would love to have a car of my own as it would make my life so much easier due to my strange schedule in school. I have banked enough money to buy a nice car but am still drawing a blank when it comes to insurance. What im really wondering is whats the cheapest/best way for me to insure a car. My mom and dad have both cars insured under there names but they are in use. If I was to buy my own car would I be able to insure it under their name? or under my dad's private business? I can't afford to pay 9k a year in insurance atm but would really love to have my own car sooner rather than later. If you could let me know the best way to get around the monumental cost I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks in advance, Geoff""

What will my insurance be approx?

When I pass my driving test I will be looking to buy either a peugeot 106 or 206 1 litre, i am 17 now but will probably be 18 when I pass, I was just wondering on average how much insurance will be because i couldn't get a quote on confused.com and other websites because i haven't actually got a car yet and it was asking for my registration number. I don't think it matters but I do have a CBT license and I drove and aprilia rs50 manual for about a year so I was wondering if that'll help because I have road experience already. Thanks for your time.""

Insurance on my car after crash?

my car as in a hit and run accident my car was the hit and run car i wasn't the driver my frined was i want to call my insurance company to get it fixed but i dont want to get my friend in trouble can the insurance company tell where the car got towed from and if i tell them i crashed into a ditch and got it towed will they know

Car insurance?

do you need car insurance in the philippines

Argh! Insurance rates went up?

So my friend and I were out driving his car and when he got out at a store, I hopped in the driver's seat. I have a class 5 license, so it's all legal there. We weren't speeding or doing anything illegal, we had nothing to hide, so everything was legit. However, pulling out of a four-way, an officer pulled us over because our tail lights were busted. Of course, I had no idea and basically the officer just issued a warning to my friend (he's the owner of the car, so he did most of the talking). However, the officer did take my license and took a while with it; in this time I had no idea what he was doing. There was nothing but politeness and courtesy exchanged in the end we just drove straight to the party we were headed to. At the party though, there was some guy who put his hand out to shake mine for Insurance rates going up . This guy's on an ego-trip so I had no care about what he had to say at all but now I'm kind of worried. Question: Did my insurance rates go up for driving without tail lights? I understand that, as driver, I'm fully responsible of the vehicle, but the owner was with me and so he doesn't have to be the one that gets tagged with the record for this??? I live in Canada and the officer didn't inform me of anything like this. Help, please and thank you.""

Full coverage car insurance?

My parents are the primary insurance holders of the car insurance. It is full coverage and the 1st wreck since having this insurance which has been 5 years for this car. I am on the insurance but not a primary driver. I was involved in a car wreck on my car but my friend was driving and I was in the passenger seat. Since it is full coverage what happens? Do they have to have proof that I said he could drive? Or do they just go about and get it fixed and not say anything since the car is under full insurance? I have I clue when it comes to car insurance so of someone could explain everything the best they can it would be greatly appreciated

Auto insurance and Car payments?

I am looking to buy a 4x4 truck or mini suv of some sort ranging from $3000 to $7000. I know this is a hard thing to answer but if anyone can give me some tips and rough estimates that would be great! Im 19 years old, I have 3 credit cards all payed on time and a cellphone contract. I have a 600 something credit score and I am wondering how much a car payment would be without a co-signer? Also what is up with insurance companies? They want to charge me $300 to $400 dollars a month on any car year make or model monthly without even checking my back round...Is there some place where I can get cheaper rates? I cant afford that crap. Any help is appreciated, thanks!""

Im thinking about buying this car how much would the insurance and monthly bills cost me ?

i want to buy this car im just curius how much do you guys think the insurance would cost me and how much i would have to put down the 1st month and also how much i would probably have to pay off the loan every month ? i am 19 years old unemployed and have no credit history but my parents are gonna get me a car for christmas !:D yay here's the car http://www.mdcardealers.com/vehicle_listings.php?make=Chevrolet&range=2&model=Impala&year_opt=new&year=&x=112&y=14

How can i claim for a new alternator under insurance- it cost me 400?

I am selling my car, and I would like to get some cash from my insurance policy. I just had a new alternator fitted 2 weeks ago- any ideas??""

Where can you get cheap car insurance after driving ban is up?

Anyone know any cheap insurance companies after driving ban? Please no trolling I know I did wrong. ;p

Motorcycle insurance?

Hello. I live in ontario. I am currently interested in getting a motorcycle and undergoing my m1 then thereafter m2 licencing. I am interested in getting a sport type bike (600-750cc). Either being a YAMAHA or Kawasaki. I am 26 years old. Who would be the best to get the insurance from and what regulations are there towards the insurance for motorcycle drivers? THANKS!

Will my car insurance represent me in getting claim from other person's car insurance company?

Wife got in accident with teenage girls that was at fault. Other driver had insurance, and I'm dealing with them, but because they say my car is totalled as its older and not worth a lot, they offered me some money, but when I go to buy a similar car online, I see I'm short a few thousand. They are being a bit difficult and have my car at a lot ( I know mistake but they said they only were going to look at it, now its gone). I don't have a lot of pull but will complain as much as I possibly can - was on phone for nearly hour today. Question: Do you think that my insurance company will help me get money from the other insurance company of the at-fault party? I have not contacted them yet.""

""I lent my brother's car to my friend, Who crashed it, does my insurance cover the costs?""

Last night i lent my brothers car to a friend. My friend crashed the car into a pole (no other vehicle was involved). My brother's insurance said that because he did not give permission to my friend to drive, I would need to look to my insurance. (I was not in the vehicle when it crashed)""

Can I Switch To Another Car Insurance Company?

I hate my current car insurance company. I was paying about $12 less every month with my last one for the same type of coverage. The only reason i got this insurance is because my last one was about to expire. I wanted to go shopping for car insurance and my GF's sister told me about this one and she didn't wanna give me a ride to look for cheaper insurance. I guess she just wanted to get her $25 the car insurance company gave her after i signed up. B*tch. Anyway, I am paying around $45 a month and i wanted to know if i could switch car insurance companies. My current car insurance does not expire until March 2011. Also, will i have to pay that first month down payment thing with the new company???""

Does Car insurance increase for adding spouse as Non-driver?

I have been added to my Dh policy for Car insurance as Non-driver. I dnt know driver. Does it increase the insurance rate? suggestions please

What is the best insurance company to have if you need to go into a rehabilitation center?

Which insurance covers the most??

I crashed my vehicle and the auto insurance company will buy it from me. Next car = New Insurance company?

I crashed my vehicle and the auto insurance appraiser said AllState will purchase the vehicle from me because the cost to fix it will be more than what the car is worth. When I buy my next car, should I go with a different auto insurance company because my premium would go up if I stayed with AllState for the new vehicle?""

I think I've made a mistake on my car insurance?

Long story short my Dad has a car that is insured and has been for a while. He has never made a claim in his 40+ years of driving. He's just bought another car that we can both drive (I can't drive his automatic until I pass my test) He was going to insure it with the same company as his other car however they won't let me be a named driver as I'm under 18 so we've found another company to go with. We got a quote and paid the money. No problem. Awaiting conformation in the post. Earlier today, however, I was talking to a friend who is insured with the same company and he says my dads no claims doesn't count because he's still insured with another company. Therefore by putting 9+ years on the form we've lied ?! Is this correct? Does this make our insurance invalid? How much trouble could we get in for this mistake? How can we resolve this?""

Motorcyle prices?

IM thinking about buying a crockrocket. What are the average monthly payments.......ball park... And also, what is an average montly insurance payment?""

Car Insurance Question?

Im Getting My First Car In A Few Weeks and Im Wondering About Car Insurance Is $225.55 alot? How much would I Have To Pay A Month/ Every 6 Months Thanks :)

How much does insurance(auto insurance) cost for a 56 year old with perfect records?

I was wondering how much insurance would cost for a 50+ year old, and which would be the best insurance, and also the cheapest.""

Does a moving violation affect your insurance?

I was at a red light and quick switched lanes less than 50 feet of the intersection and turned right on a red light, but their was no traffic oncoming.... so will it affect my insurance?""

What does ho-140 mean?deductible clause in home owners insurance?

What does ho-140 mean?deductible clause in home owners insurance?

What is the cheapest motorhome insurance to purchase online?

I just bought an older 26 ft. class c motorhome and need to get insurance just to put a plate on it so the city ordinance officer cant screw with me because it is parked in my driveway.I live in Michigan.I wont be using this until fall and dont want to insure this yet through my regular insurance carrier.Does anyone know of a online insurance company thats fairly cheap?

Is van insurance cheaper than car insurance in uk for first time drivers?

basically im a new driver and am lookin for the vehicle tht offers the cheapest insurance, im male by the way""

Does anyone know of Affordable Health Insurance for a Women in her 20s?

I will be 22 in a Month and recently tried to donate plasma and was told my blood sugar level was to high and they were concerned I may have diasbetes. I'm not covered by my parents health insurance anymore and I really need to find something that could help me. I do have a job and probably will have to work full time in order to get any health benefits. But is there something else out there anyone knows of where I can afford to pay for health expences?? I appreciate greatly. Thanks!

Aviva 15 weeks free car insurance?

does 15 weeks free car insurance mean i pay nothing for 15 weeks,.. or just pay the deposit then free 15 weeks,.. also what does total charge for credit mean and when does it get paid? thanks""

Car insurance question?

my car insurance was due yesterday.. i'm 17 years old and yesterday the difference between my dads car insurance and mine was due and i forgot to pay it.. am i still allowed to drive my parents car? im going to pay it on monday thanks.. let me know

Question about gap insurance?

I just wanted to know about how much the dealer charges for gap or at least an average. I refinanced my vehicle and am awarded a refund of my gap because the new financing is offered with it. So I don't know if anyone has gone through this, but if you have any answers please let me know. Thanks in advance.""

Insurance rebate?

If you cancel your car insurance, do you get a rebate as you do with road tax?""

Car insurance question?

My mother's boyfriend bought a car and has allowed me to drive it. He is the primary driver on the insurance. I am also on his insurance. My father just recently put me on his insurance. My mom's boyfriend wants to give the car to me (Transfer the title and registration, get new plates and all that.) He says I will need my own insurance under my own name. But if I am insured does it actually matter who's insurance it is?""

At what age does car insurance drop to a normal rate?

im 16 and i wanna wait til a certain age so i dont have to pay alot for the insurance

What can I do if my car insurance company denied my claim for inconsistency in my report?

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Where can I get affordable health insurance?

My husband has been sick for like a year and we cannot afford to go to the doctor in fact he went to a doctor and they told him he has to go see another doctor because they can't find anything wrong with him. so that's $300 down the drain and we haven't even paid it. Is there something I can get him that would cost $30 a month and have some way for him to get some tests that wouldn't kill us financially?

""Ninja 250 kawasaki Insurance rate,?""

I live in Canada ontario, and am 18, and i talked to my parents about getting a motorcycle today which they had no complaints about as its my money. Etc. Yet my dad said the insurance would be Higher than car insurance which im really worried about if i do get myself a sportsbike, my first one being a ninja 250, not sure what year but im going to get it used for sure and resell it at a later time. Basically, ill be 18 by the time i get my ninja 250, and would like to know the range of insurance for each month, thanks. Or point me in the right direction where i can check.""

Why are there two bodily injury sections on car insurance quote?

I just got a quote for auto insurance from new company (i had been using a different company)... Anyways, i just noticed that section 1 of the quote under compulsory insurance was the Bodily Injury to Others part..... But, under Optional Insurance on section 6 there is Optional Bodily Injury to Others and this one is higher than the first part. Why are there two different bodily injury sections? Do they cover different things? I am a homeowner, how much should i have for these categories?""

Whats the cheapest car insurance for a young male?

Whats the cheapest car insurance for a young male?

""When I talk to a Christian, they remind me of life insurance salesperson, does it remind you of of that?""

They keep preaching (selling, giving) after death life insurance Of course they will tell you its FREE, but any time anything is free it most likely cost you a whole lot more that its worth.""

""Which car would you prefer? 2006 Volkswagen rabbit, 2006 toyota corolla, or a 2006 honda civic?

which do u think would be a suitable car for a university student and cheap on insurance and gas.

Car Finance With Insurance?

Hi, i've been searching for a while now for a car finance which comes with insurance for under 25's. Im 21 and being driving for three years and 90% of the time my son is with me so I wouldn't considered myself a boy racer . The only one I found was the just add fuel scheme by peugeot but like any other scheme you have to be 25. So any suggestions would be gratefully appreciated""

Insurance Question ??

well im 16 and im most likey getting a car this weekend (the one i want is a 1997 mitsubishi eclips spider convertible) i was just wondering how much insurance will be ?? thanks i realy need to know .

HOW does indemnity insurance affect Home insurance?

How does having indemnity insurance on a home for buiding work carried out with out building regs affect the cost of Home building insurance?

Cheapest car insurance?

i am looking for a car which will be cheap to insure. i am only a 17 year old girl, so i need to know what would be best and how much a month around about?""

Why is my home insurance quote so high?

I am buying a home next month and have been shopping for home insurance. The cheapest premium I've been quoted is 1,800/year. I have done research and it seems most people pay 600-1000/year. I have never owned a home (so no claims) and I have never used my renters insurance to file a claim. I'm 26 with a 710 credit score. The home is 2300sqft and I am asking for 250,000 in coverage. I even raised the deductibles to see if that would lower it, which it didn't really make a huge difference. Any ideas?""

Insurance for a teen?

Okay so would a 4 cyl. Mitsubishi Eclipse gs, be higher in insurance for a teen than a regular car that isn't considered sport?""

Where can I find the cheapest insurance for young drivers?

I am looking for the cheapest insurance for young drivers in United Kingdom. I am 18 years old and I am planning to buy a car. I have been looking for an insurance for Golf Mk 4 1.9 TDi which costs up to 3000 but the cheapest insurance I could find was also over 3000 up to 5000. Tell me the cheapest you know, please. I have a full UK license.""

Mandated Health Insurance is different from Mandated Auto Insurance how?

The Supreme Court will be deciding if the government can force us to buy health insurance from a private corporation. The government forces us to buy auto liability insurance from a private corporation. I am at a loss to see the difference.

How long does it take for insurance rates to go up after getting speeding ticket?

how long does it take for your insurance rates to get affected if you get a speeding ticket.. does it apply right away or do i have time to go to traffic school.. and if i go to traffic school will all evidence of there ever been a ticket disappear?

What does ho-140 mean?deductible clause in home owners insurance?

What does ho-140 mean?deductible clause in home owners insurance?

Where can I get affordable group health insurance?

I am a college student who has alot of anxiety right now due to the recent divorce of my parents. I would greatly benefit from having psychological treatment right now but I have no insurance & it is expensive. Does anybody know of an insurance that would cover this?

How much will it cost to get the affordable health care ?

people dont like it when they are forced to get this health care,but how much does it cost to get it in the first place?""

How much should my car insurance cost?

In a few months ill be getting my license and a car. I live in Massachusetts. I'm not exactly sure what I am getting for a car, but I may end up getting a Honda accord that is around 12 years old and has a lot of mileage (200k+). Pretty much, I'm starting to look into the cheapest possible car insurance because: i don't have much money to spend and even if I did have a low deductible, it would be very close to the full value of the car which in that case I would just get junk it. What should I look for to make my cost as low as possible and how cheap could I potentially get it for? Thanks.""

People who work at ALLSTATE INSURANCE IN FLORIDA?

What day of the month do you get your salary? The beginning or the end of the month?

With 5000 what is the best car I could buy and insure at 17?

the car would be second hand.

Homeowners insurance in California????

I am thinking of purchasing my first home, and I was wondering about how much homeowners insurance would cost me. The home costs 200,000. Does anyone have any idea about how much that would be? I don't want to get into something I can't afford.....""

Please help me get health and dental insurance?

I am 20 years old and make about $250/week (bi-weekly checks vary from about $420-520 after taxes). I am in desperate need of health insurance and I badly need dental coverage. This is horrible, but I need at least 5 fillings maybe more. I have weak enamel and I am prone to cavities. As you can tell I dont make a hell of a lot of money (and I work almost every day, but of course my hours were recently cut because the owner decided to hire a family member and pay them twice as much to sit on their *** and tell me to do the stuff I already do on my own initiative, then ***** that payroll is too high) I have to pay car insurance and constant car repairs until I can just replace it with one that wont need so much tlc and money. This makes it pretty hard to save when I keep on paying to fix things. I have a phone bill to pay as well and I do not have a house phone so it is necessary to keep in touch with family and work. Please help me figure out how to get the best coverage possible that will be affordable on a teeny budget. I really am in desperate need. Thank you so much!""

What is the average cost of monthly car insurance in Alberta?

regarding a fourth year female driver

Does auto insurance cover the vehicle or the driver (California)?

I work on a military installation and I'm required to have the appropriate decals on my car to enter through the gates. I went to renew my decals as they are only good for 3 years and I was denied. My registration has both my dad and I listed (since he paid for the car), but my insurance policy only has him listed because he foots the bill, but I am a covered driver. My vehicle ID number, make, model, and year is listed on both the registration and proof of insurance card. My name is on the registration so I thought this would suffice (especially because they already gave me decals/passes in the past). The marine I was speaking to said that what I am doing is illegal in the state of California and that I must be a policy holder in order to be covered. I always thought that insurance covered the car. Can anyone clarify this issue and reference the California Vehicle Code? I've searched and searched and cannot find accurate clarification. I wanted to be able to print something and show it to him. If I can't find proof then I can't get to work.""

I borrowed my parents car. am i covered under their insurance?

they forgot to put their insurance card in the glovebox so i got a ticket for no proof of insurance. The ticket will be dropped if i bring in proof of insurance. will it work to just bring in their insurance card? i do not drive their car very often. We live two hours apart

Getting a car insurance even if you don't have a car?

I am 17 years old and turning 18 in 2 months. I have a permit in the state of New Jersey. Last Sunday, I made a small car accident. It was just few scratches on the other person's rear bumper. Anyway, the guy from an insurance company told my parents that I have to get an insurance as soon as i get my license even if I don't get a car. My parents can't afford to buy me a car anyway so I was planning to drive their car since I wouldn't have to get an insurance if I drive their cars. But the guy is telling me that I HAVE to get an insurance whether I'm getting my car or not. I have never heard of these things before. Can anybody explain to me why I have to get an insurance even if i am not getting car? And also, is there any other way I can solve this problem other than not getting a license? Because they're saying that the only way is not to get a license 'till I turn 21. And It would cost my parents way too much if i get my license. I mean I'm not even getting a car! Why do I need to get an insurance?""

Thinking of switching to Progressive Insurance?

Would like to know if anyone has Progressive Insurance for auto insurance. Would like to switch to them from Farmers because I can double my coverage for the same price as Farmers. Has anyone had problems with Progressive such as filing a claim? or rate increases for no reason. I have not had an accident in over 14 years, knock on wood. Just afraid if I switch my rates will go up for no reason. I know there is good and bad about Progressive. Any input would help. I live in California""

Cheap insurance for a 17 year old?

Is there any hope of me insuring a group 14 insurance car? I don't care how crappy the insurance is as long as its legal. All the quotes I have been getting are ridiculous.

Has anyone ever heard of Titan auto insurance?

Has anyone ever heard of Titan auto insurance?

What's the average cost of maintenance of a recreational aircraft (piper archer III)?

How much you would have to pay annually to maintain a hobby like this one. Including fuel, hangar, insurance, etc.""

What is the cheapest car insurance company ?

The only way i can get a inexpensive sports car is to find my dad a better insurance company.

600cc sports bike good for a beginner? gsxr600 or zx6r?

ive never ridin a motorrcycle before and im looking at getting a gsx-r600 or zx6r. Im taking the safety course which is 10 hours of riding and 5 of classes which i realize isnt a lot. I drive stick shift cars so i get the point of shifting the bike. Ive ridin a dirtbike once and quads once but i seem to be a natural on anything with a motor so im not nervous at all about getting a racing bike starting. A lot of people say a 600 is to big for a first bike but i know people that have them and say they arent that bad as long as you dont drive it like an asshole. I plan on really taking it veryyyyy easy the first summer out and not pushing anything untill i feel extremly comfortable with it. My question is should i get this for a first bike? Im not getting a 250 dont even bother with that. Ive seen the 650's which are more begginer friendly but i just feel ill outgrow that within the first year and ill lose my money by selling it and buying a 600 instead of getting the 600 in the first place

How is my motorcycle insurance so CHEAP?

Okay so im looking into buying a motorcycle this summer. Ill be turning 18, and have always wanted a bike. So i was looking at how much insurance would cost me for it because i hear that its expensive and im a full time student and work minimum wage job, so its not like i have money just to shoot out my *** for fun. I was looking at progressive, because they show instant online quotes so i dont have to actually call in and give my real name and social security # and stuff like that. So i go onto progressive's, and enter all my real info like age and stuff(but lie about my actual address and name and email cause i dont want constant ads and spam). And i got cheaper than expected quotes.....So i put in, 2009 Kawasaki Ninja 250r. Male. Turning 18 in july. Put in that i have motorcycle endorsement and taken safety course(i havent yet, but i will by the time i actually own a bike and have to buy insurance for real). No accidents or tickets. 0 years riding experience(although i ran multiple quotes and noticed price drops by $29 for a 12month policy if youve had even 1 year of riding experience, which is nice). And i got a quote for $285 12month policy. For Bodily Injury & Property Damage 50/100/25. Underinsured Motorist Bodily Injury 25/50. $100 deductible on comprehensive for bike(again i ran multiple quotes, and changing the deductible amount on comprehensive only saves a few bucks). $500 deductible for collision(this deductible amount changes your rate incredibly). No other coverage. Got quoted $285...seems kinda cheap to me considering im so young? Not complaining that i save money....just wondering if this sounds normal? Random insurance question, lets say im riding my bike and going at a good speed, say 45+mph. Then fall and completely eat ****. I injure and damage only myself and my bike. Lets say my bike needs some repairs or maybe even replacing, and my leg is broken or something like that. Will any insurance cover any costs since it was my fault to my own personal injury? Is this when health insurance kicks in for medical bills? And would motorcycle insurance pay for any of this? If so, which kind? Like comprehensive, collision, liability, under-insured motorist? Because i have no idea. This next part might be a little hard to understand, so ill try my best. But i ran multiple quotes and changed the age i said i was, for instance, i put in my real birthday on one July 1996, than i put July 1995 on another just to see how much the rate goes for a 18yr old, because once i actually get the bike i will be 18. The quote where i put my real birthday and said i was 17, got quoted $285, the quote where i said i was already 18, got quoted $319.....how is that possible that i get a $34 cheaper quote for being younger??? I feel like someone at progressive online site is trolling me and getting my hopes up now, just to see me go ape **** when i actually go get a real quote. Thanks!""

How do you try to buy or bid on totaled vehicles by car insurance companies?

Im interested in trying to find a vehicle like mine, but wrecked with a good engine and transmission and any other parts I can salvage to keep mine alive for a few more years . I would like to know in general how to search and bid on wrecked vehicles that have been totaled by insurance companies and are now up for bid. This would be kind of like what a wrecking yard must do to purchase vehicles for parts resale, or a used car dealer that would in turn repair the vehicle and resell with salvage title. Any leads on where to start would be appreciated""

Instant Whole Life Insurance Quote Question:?

What are some cool instant whole life insurance quote sites you have to share? I've looked around a bit but I figured I'd ask here. Any link you can share will be appreciated.

Is it better to buy cheaper can than expensive car?

I love expensive sports cars, but I don`t need to have it, I can just watch those at museum, stores, and photos. I think buying cars is waste of money. It costs money to buy cars, car insurance, gasoline, and parking ticket. Also cars get stolen lot , it can break easily by car crash, some bad kids will scratch it, and high risk of death. Using train is way cheaper. If I really need car, I would stick with least cheapest car. Because when my car got stolen, or broke, I have less things to lose.""

Auto insurance question.?

My step father auto was struck in th readend by a teen the other day. Now his car is not worth much. Maybe 1500 dollars. The 2 body shops gave repair estiments at 2700 and 4300. Now as this is his personnel car and gets 45 miles to the gallon you can understand why he wants to keep using it to get to work. From a legal standpoint, as this is a personnel auto and the other driver is required to carry general libility to cover damage to aother peoples autos. Can a insurance company require him to just settle for the 1,500 dollar value of the car. Or total the car. Or do they have some kind of loop hole. How is it they can require a third party to settle on there terms? As he is not the orginator of the policy, he did not enter into a contract with the insurance provider. Can he just go get it fixed and send them the bill or have the repair compnay send it to the insurance compnay?""

Who has the cheapest Home Owner insurance in Middle TN?

I have a 975sq home. Brick exterior. Crawlspace. asphalt roof shingles, built in 1965, remodeled in 2007. New wiring, plumbing and roof as of 2007. House valued at $125,000. It has a detached carport worth about $5K. I live in Franklin, TN. I need quotes please! email me at [email protected]""

I had a commercial accident in 2008 and looking for a chep insurance plz help?

I live in toronto i have been driving car with G licence since the end of 2000. i had a commercial accident in 2008 in which i was found guilty but no claim was paid. im still driving and looking for chaep insurance for a car. anybody's advice would be greatful.

Could a 17 year old insure a Porsche 944? (For a reasonable price)?

I've been looking into classic cars and The Porsche 944 has kept cropping up on sites, and looks quite nice. My fear is as I will be turning 17 soon and I live in Worcestershire (UK) I have no hope of insuring it... Am I right? People have suggested Classic Car Insurance on 944's and 928's but didn't they fix that loophole? As I would be spending a fair bit of money on the car I don't want to pay loads of insurance, I would love to know ideas of insurance costs and general feedback about the car, I know it would cost a fortune to run by the way. All Help Appreciated""

What does ho-140 mean?deductible clause in home owners insurance?

What does ho-140 mean?deductible clause in home owners insurance?

Is there anyway to make your car insurance more affordable?

I now have a 93 jimmy. and ive saved up enough money for this really nice 300zx but the insurance is going to be crazy anything to do?

Am I covered on my dad's insurance?

I am 18, graduated from highschool, and leaving for the Marines in two months. I want to make a trip to Pensacola with some friends today. The only problem is the only way I can go is with my dad's truck. He is not letting me use it because he said I am not covered with insurance if I happen to get into a wreck. I have my own insurance for my truck and he has his own insurance for his own truck. So with me having my own insurance and his truck being covered with his insurance, if i got into a wreck or accident would my insurance cover me or how would that hole situation work out?""

How much would car insurance be for a 17 year old (1998-1999 Renault Clio 1.2)?

Approximately? xx

If I wanna get car insurance in PA do I have to get my license there?

I want to save money by getting my car insurance in Pennsylvania do I have to get my license there as well or does it not matter. Also how do insurance companies verified the address you provided is your actual address.

Car insurance for a 16 year old?

What would an estimated car insurance amount be for a 16 year olds first car being a 2000 BMW 323 i?

Cheap sportbike insurance calgary alberta?

Cheap sportbike insurance calgary alberta?

About how much does a car alarm save on auto insurance?

I know this depends but just give me a GUESS. or how about; use yourself as an example. How much do you save, or would you save, if you had a car alarm?""

Renters insurance for apartments?

When renting an apartment at a complex or apartment building, is renters insurance always mandatory?""

Second driver insurance car?

Hi I'm 17 and I'm about to do the driving license and I will be added to a car as a second driver and the first driver has about 20 years of experience of driving and discounts I would like to ask how much there would be to pay for the insurance is it going to be double the price or more ? any answers are welcome and I would like to know what would be the price range I will need to pay.

How do people in Florida cope with high car insurance rates?

Let's say for a young single person who has been driving for 5 years with a 2 year old car. How can someone afford insurance with a tight budget?

Is this a good insurance cost for a teenager for a GTO?

I got a quote from geico for an '04 GTO and it was 175 a month for a 17 year old driver. This suprised me, because I thought it would be alot higher. So do you think this an accurate quote? I put in all information accurately except for my age because they will not give a 15 year old a quote.""

Cost of liability insurance for medical doctor?

What's the average cost for a private physician's liability insurance? What tips and advice do you have for someone starting a private practice?

What does Term Life Insurance mean with no surrender value?

If I had a 15 year Term Life Insurance at $100,000. with no surrender value. What would it be at the end of 15 years. Can I collect the full amount on this type of insurance?""

Can i stay under parents insurance and switch car title over to my name?

So my parents gave me a car for my 18th birthday a few years ago and I am still under their insurance. I gave the car a paint job that costed 2,500 and I want to make sure the care is mine, can I switch the car title to my name while still being on their insurance? They keep me under their insurance so I can have cheaper insurance while in college""

Where can you find some cheap auto insurance quotes ..online?

Where can you find some cheap auto insurance quotes online?

Insurance companies?

Which company is better out of Elephant and Admiral for car insurance. They have both given the same quote but I don't know anything about the customer services or anything

Can a change in surname increase car insurance prices UK?

I obtained a quote for a car a couple of weeks back by putting in some fake details that were relatively similar to mine so I wasn't inundated with insurance company spam. The quote was for my mum and I was to be a named driver. The only thing that was noticeably different from reality were the names and email I used. Today, I went to get the quote again, this time for real and so typed in our real names and the quote went up by 600! I then changed the names back to the fakes but kept everything else the same and it went back down!! What's going on? Or do Aviva have something against people with Celtic surnames - I sincerely hope not! Just to clarify, I have previously never obtained a quote in my name with Aviva before this nor have either of our marital status' changed from the fake details. Any help would be great! Thanks in advance!""

Why is my car insurance so expensive?

I'm 17 years old, with no convictions or points on my licence. I passed my test about a week ago, and I cannot get insurance for my VW polo 1.2, 02 plate lower than 10'000!!? What do I do?""

Any cheap car insurance in uk?

i have full uk licence and 2 years no claim bonus age 30 to 40 how can i buy the cheap car insurance.please

Should iclaim through the car insurance?

My mother in law was driving my wifes car on our insurance pollicy. She was hit on the passenger side of the car and puched in to the roundabout by the cab on a 14 wheller. MY mother in law was not to blame as the lorry was in the wrong lane and there are witnesses who saw the accident. The car is a 1996 renault clio and there is some heavy denting and scratches on the passenger door and front wing. Nothing that has effected the driveability of the car to my knowledge. since the car was pushed up over the kerb and on to the roundabout it could have knocked the tracking a little. I dont know how much it will be to repair but the car is only worth about 600 and the insurance policy on this car has an excess of 350 cause it was the named driver who was driving and not my wife. There also is no protected no claims bonus. If i was to put this claim through the insurance how would this effect the pocket and the no blaims bonus.

Senior life services insurance company?

Has anyone ever dealt with senior life services insurance company, and if so , Good Or bad results. Some insight please?""

How much is third party car insurance for a 2 litre car?

my dad might be giving me his car after i pass my test when i'm 17 so i was wondering how much roughly a 2 litre engine 5door mazda 626 would be to insure for a 17 year old boy on third party car insurance in the uk?

What is voluntary access on car insurance?

i saw it on the go compare web site but i dont know what it is as im a 1st time driver

How much does it cost for insurance?

Im turning 15 and im getting a ninja 250 but what company and how much? no negative awnsers plz

Car insurance question?

Im currently a proposed driver on an car insurance policy(FULLY COMP) on a Fiat Punto and im 19. My elder brother is getting a Vauxhall VXR and said if he is insured on the car (fully comp) and said if i drive his car, i am legally allowed to drive it but i will only be covered under Third Party. Can someone outline the Rights and Wrongs? Is it actually legal? any problems which may arise?""

What does ho-140 mean?deductible clause in home owners insurance?

What does ho-140 mean?deductible clause in home owners insurance?

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/geico-manufactured-home-insurance-quote-nicholas-kim/"

[tellmeyourstory-art-blog]

3rd Planet

You are what people need from you.

the funeral

People are what they need from you.

I remember the proceless painting i had left to me after she died.

after she died i left the hospital room. When you see a dead person you can tell they are just but a shell, you can see when someone is gone.

the next day the hospital called me for an appointment and i was given a pamphlet on grief and 7days max to get her body out of the morgue. the only problem was i had no idea how or what to do

so I petitioned the ocurts for her cremation but in the days following i would recieve 15 phone calls from newspaper articles and frineds of my mother asking when the funeral was.

I had no money.

Some people had given me help with a funeral director who later try to ad dme on linked in, he said I could have a year to -ay of a 7k funeral and he would host it. I chose a coffin, I chose flowers, and i went home.

it was christmas eve when we had her funeral 70 people showed up all saying ‘if you need anything call me’ which i  always thought was selfish because why would i bother calling. 

the funeral was very nice, and comforting for those who wanted.

I stared at her body beofre it started and said one last good bye

I picked her outfit, and i thought she looked kind of cramped in the coffin

I dont rememebr what I said in the microphone to be honest,

I dont remember what i said to anyone

tom roberts 

The apathy that came filled my gut heavy with dirt.  In that moment I had taken all the love I had ever felt for anything and buried it deeper. Resenting any sunlight that tried to make its way in.  

We are all given the same seeds when we are born but it’s experiences that shape what we sow. & even after I’d still manage to grow flowers in the darkest parts of myself, only to again water them with piss before learning, nobody cares about what you put in the fertilizer, they only care about the fruit that comes from it. An end result. This Liberation from the idea that people are watching was liberating and terrifying all at the same time.

later got th courage to dump bastard and sat on the floor of my apartment ready to kill myself

Will I be happy when I'm dead? The question rebounded through my skull.  had been thinking about it for a while now, asking and wondering, hoping and praying that it could be true. There were so many things that I needed forgiveness for. So many things that I wished I had never done, never said. The pain of the regrets, the hatred and self-loathing I felt for myself; all of this was what had led mw to where I was today.

It was a book by albert camus an episode of star trek that stopped me. I was sitting on my floor and hysterically crying and instead i started laughing at how pathetic i was

that all my pain had been caused by me, that really  judging my worth and the meaning my life on the spectrum of everything was just as bad as spending 17 years drinkign myself to death.

I put the knife down and resolved to self studying sociology, sciene, history and in a race to stop this for ever repeating itself. 

"The old television show Star Trek often had philosophical themes. In one episode some crew explored a planet in which the atmosphere has a euphoria inducing gas present. The crew did not want to return to their ship and did not reply to summons. The Capt. Kirk went there and tried to rouse these crew members finding that anger and fear eliminated the effects of the gas. He got the people back on the ship. One of his officers said how nice it felt there and he would have stayed if he could. Capt. Kirk gave a little speech in which he stated it was not in human's nature to be 'satisfied' and that we are an exploring species forever seeking new information. I thought about this continually, and of course still do. It certainly seems that for every answer there are more questions. "

[medicallycomplicated]

what a past couple of days!!

To say that Ive been poor at keeping up with this online jourinal is to understate just a little bit, so much has gone on it is hard to put it all down in one sitting and without the Adderall Ive been on for so very long, for as long as I can remember really, its hard to remember to come back and sit down and finish the thoughts I began so much earlier in the day.

 Ive spent the past couple days in another town with a friend which has been nice, A little escape from the mundane routine of home where really, Im alone and I don't do much all day but read and go to Drs. appointments. When Im at Lori's we don't do much but it gives me someone to talk to, she is babysitting a dog so it gives me a dog to play with and she is my best friend and has been for years so its just really nice to be somewhere where I can be myself without the worry of anything. well, except getting sick, I really hate that the worry of getting sick is always in the back of my mind and that it is even a worry.

Today I haven't even done much but after a long weekend of being over a frineds and then yesterday I did a LOT of cleaning today Im taking it SLOW! There are some things I have to do like the dishes, I have to go to the library and I have to wait for the delivery man with my medications before I go anywhere but I am happy that there have been some med changes and though my body is getting used to them I am getting sleep and things are looking up!