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quodekash · 11 months

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EPISODE 2 BAD BUDDY OS2 LETS GOOOOO im so freaking excited holy hell

i still cant believe that patpran and earthmix are going to INTERACT WITH EACH OTHER??? AND EXIST IN THE SAME SPACE???? HOLY HELLLLLL

wait hang on

will we get longtae?? pls give us longtae i need to see my boy

WAIT hang on how does this work. how do bad buddy and 1000stars exist in the same space if drake plays korn and also rang. i need to make some kind of murder board of the connections between shows holy hell

tut tut, phu, you need to take care of yourself for goodness sake

pran is too autistic for this, he doesnt know how to Social Situation and communicate what he was actually trying to say and now they think he wants to be a teacher

also im gonna slide past the phutian relationship problems bc i dont want to think about it. my dads are not getting a divorce, and thats final

hang on. there’s new kids now??? where the hell did they come from?

tian’s teacher frustration is so real

autism

HEY

LOOK AT THAT

ACTUAL REPRESENTATION OF SOME KIND

THATS AWESOME

I KNEW HE WASNT NEUROTYPICAL

FJEHSBGKVJREB

i know ocd is an anxiety disorder but there’s a lot of overlapping symptoms and apparently autistic people are more likely to experience ocd

and even if its just ocd, im still allowed to hc him as autistic

but either way HELL YEAH REPRESENTATION AND ITS CANONICAL AND ITS NOT JUST IN HIS HABITS ITS AN ACTUAL CANONICAL DIAGNOSIS GJERBDHBDRT

MY BOY!

(definitely didnt completely forget about him)

his gaydar is going off so much he can smell it (i made the screenshot too big and now phupha in the foreground is making me laugh so hard omg- i swear its the funniest thing ever. im probably tired. its 1:30am)

THE LOOKS PATPRAN GAVE EACH OTHER WHILE PHUTIAN WERE INTERACTING- THE GAYDARS THE GAYDARS

(yes, i know they already know about phutian bc of tian’s online diary thingy, but it still counts)

i wanna read this diary so bad but i cant read thai. and also idk where i would find it. its probably online somewhere. it might be a merch thing. who knows man

GEHRKDBGV THE FLASHBACKS WHILE HES READING

IM CRYING

“why would a good guy come to watch me take a shower?” THE LOOKS PATPRAN JUST GAVE EACH OTHER- OMG I LOVE THIS SO MUCH

THE LOOKS THROUGHOUT THIS WHOLE EXCHANGE

ITS SO FUNNY

I LOVE THIS

iconic

i love everything about this so so so much

the amount of joy that just this one image brings me? help

ive been wondering why they keep making those movies

wait hang on

guys i think we might actually be onto something

on another but related note: what do you guys spend 25 minutes doing at 2 in the morning when you should be sleeping? cos apparently i make beautiful atrocities like that.

anyway.

theyre like little kids, “he liked me first” “NO HE LIKED ME FIRST”

this is starting to sound very familiar

pran screaming at the waterfall reminds me of patpran screaming off the top of the hill at the beach

THEY ARE PLAYING IN THE WATERRRR I LOVE THEMMMMMM

“i think they kissed” “agreed” “they certainly did” “i agree” okay they didnt but they absolutely should have and we all wanted them to

they so in loveeee i love themmmmm

IM SCREAMING AS QUIETLY AS I POSSIBLY CAN, HOLY HELL THE FREAKING PARALLELS

hah, you bloody americans, they probably had to google what 18ºC is in fahrenheit, but i, a superior australian, know that that is... warmer than it has been recently. its currently 13º. its really weird, im not used to it getting this cold, even in winter, and winter only technically started two days ago. anyway, enough about abnormal australian weather, back to patpran

i love them so much

pat, i-

HELL YES

OISHIIIII

FINALLY

the kid demanding payment through sips of oishi tea? thats my kinda style

id adopt that kid if i had to.

i hate kids

but ice tea? it bonds people.

lucky kid

i rly like this karaoke idea, i was wondering how they were gonna incorporate the ost but i guess pat’s gonna sing it

P’AUUUU

I THOUGHT I RECOGNISED HIM IN THE BACKGROUND EARLIER AND I WAS RIGHT

HELLO P’AU HOW ARE YOU

“actually, my boyfriend and i also fought about who fell for the other first. but in the end, it isnt important. what matters more is that we love each other” AWWWWBHFGHBR

ITS THE SONG

ITS THAT SONG

GEIURHGUKERJBGHJK

YAYYYY PHUTIAN ARE SNUGGLINGGGG

IM SMILING SO HARD ITS DIFFICULT TO SEE

i love him

THE SIGNATURE FISTBUMP RJDGBJR

i love them

NOOOOO THEY STILL HAVENT MADE UP, GOSH FREAKING DARNNIT

ooooo phu vs pat drinking challenge, this’ll be fun

i really like how the young ones are giving advice to the older ones for a change, its very nice. and also just goes to show how powerful patpran are

omg this kid is everywhere, i love him

the pure RELIEF when they both see that they are, in fact, wearing pants.

BRO THAT WAS STRESSFUL

PRAN NEARLY DIED

its so funny to me how intense the music is rn

OF FREAKING COURSE

well at least we know that means we’ll get more patpran next week, we dont have to say goodbye to them today

anyway that was wonderful, its 3am and i feel fine currently, cant wait to feel like a dead banana peel tomorrow, goodnight folks, see you next time!

#quodekash watches our skyy 2 despite desperately needing to sleep #our skyy 2 #our skyy x bad buddy #our skyy x a tale of thousand stars #our skyy x bad buddy x a tale of thousand stars #os2 #bad buddy series #bad buddy the series #atots #1000stars #a tale of thousand stars #patpran #ohmnanon #phutian #earthmix #ohm pawat #nanon korapat #earth pirapat #mix sahaphap

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nahalism · 8 months

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did you ever need to take sth like antidepressants for anxiety or panick attacks? I recall you speakin about having dealth with them in the past & been wonderin if you ever tried medicating urself for it / would consider it if your nerves were getting too much 4 u at some point down the line or did you develop ur own way around those little&big pits of hell

heyyyyy <3 (this will b long but this question deserves a thorough answer so hope thats ok)

ive been strongly encouraged to take various medications over the years, particularly for anxiety/mood stabilisation, and twoish weeks ago i ended up in hospital cause literally i lost my mind, and i felt so out of it that thats the first time i ever considered not just wanting, but needing medication in order to function. however, i didnt, cause i dont like making decisions in the moment (desperation leads to desperate decisions) and because before that experience and even during it, ive never felt convinced that medication was the solution to the problems i was facing. 1) due to the physical, mental and emotional side effects. & 2) because im not convinced the people prescribing the meds even know what is 'wrong' with me.— a lot of that has to do with the nhs being a mess, (its quicker to get meds than wait thru the referral time to get diagnosed & into therapy) but also, theres a lot of comorbidity in the diagnosis ive been given, so there are multiple things to treat & in their eye's medication gives a faster result than unpacking all of that individually. the recommendation was to put me on a cocktail of drugs that can fuck up my liver kidneys and endocrine system to 'see if it will work' .. :/.

the only thing that has ever worked for me is sitting with myself and my emotions, acknowledging them, doing things at my pace in my time, and structuring my life in a way that is tailored for me and my success rather than being successful in the world or in a socially accepted way. that means having a morning routine that caters to my mental emotional and physical health, (mindful practices, yoga, gardening, sound work etcetc), and finding ways to continue that throughout the day (working creatively and limiting my exposure to people or situations that are not for me/overstimulate me).

that being said, this routine (which is still being refined and altered) works pretty well for me, but comes with sacrifices and isnt fool proof. symptoms of my mental illness still persist & without being medicated people are less lenient when helping someone they feel isnt 'helping themselves', im also still working on how to be as sociable as id like to be, and often my spirals are triggered by the very system i have in place to help me. i often face feeling like a let down, like im lazy, like im a weirdo/recluse, like im incapable of being a normal person etc etc. for example, a lot of the friends i graduated with have experienced crazy growth in their careers and have a sense of social and financial security that i dont have because they can function year round, whereas i have months at a time where i dont feel myself and have to disappear in order to keep sanity and peace in my being, lol. that, and the fact that it takes me a lot of base maintenance and effort to function as a normal person makes me feel like shit if i let it, so i constantly have to remind myself on top of the work i do daily, that whilst there are things others have/experience, that i dont, the inverse is also true, and theres beauty to me being me in my way. and .. yeah 🤷🏽‍♀️. that part is hard. but its also worth it to me and has taught me a lot

all that being said, do your own research and decide what feels right and what is best for YOU. speak to your doctors, therapists, and friends who may be medicated, or look on forums online for perspectives from both sides. [*if anyone reading this has a helpful opinion 2 offer pls comment]. the feeling of helplessness when your in the throws of whatever mental illness you suffer from can be debilitating and if taking a pill everyday or when you need it can fix that, no ones opinion should sway you from doing what you need to do to function. some of my friends who are medicated swear by medication!! (particularly when it comes to adhd meds) cause not being able to process thoughts and function is horrible and ruins lives needlessly.

so yh.. i hope this helps. as long as you do whats best for you, i have no doubt you will find your way through this and that it will be worth it. above all, know that the power of your will, your mind, and your person, is what makes you special, and so even if it takes more for you to show up than it does others, that's absolutely fine. take your time with it, and know what nothing is wasted, because you have no idea the good that can come from working out the details. most of the advice i have to offer comes from making it thru an existential crisis or bout of depression. <3

blessings 2 u love

#ask

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pinkmoondoll9shihtzu · 2 years

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hi. can i share something. its pretty personal...its sad but also a message of hope.

so. ive been freaking out rly bad about attending this bladee show tomorrow, august 6th. the real reason for this is not just my ocd and social anxiety but also.. last year on august 6th my really good friend died. they were going by the name saint at the time. i only knew them online but we were extremely close since around 2014. we would talk often, and in-depth, bcus we both had extensive interest in metaphysics, god, angels, etc. and we both had dead parents, specifically dead from illness, so we rly deeply related to each other on those matters. they were like 9 years older than me, so i looked up to them as an older sibling. it absolutely shattered my heart when i found out they died because i know it was an accident. i think they OD’d on fentanyl cus they had been posting about relapsing shortly b4 they died. but i dont know for sure, there’s no obituary for them since they don’t have parents or family. i have cried about it every day for a year.

when i saw what day the bladee show was, i felt a million feelings at once, like, oh my god, is this some kind of orchestrated angel event? saint had the most unwavering faith, they believed in angels more than anyone ive ever met, there was no doubt in their mind. we would talk about our synchronicities constantly. it was our fav thing to discuss. they were so validating of my experiences. so in a way, i rly feel like, their angel is escorting me to this show as some sort of gift for making it thru the past year. ive been going thru my saturn return on top of grieving their death, and idk, its just been one of the worst times in my life, ive never been closer to giving up. the timing of this show rly makes me feel like saint is blessing me. bladee, saint and I are all life path 9s who r obsessed w metaphysics n spirituality, which adds to the meaning of this synchronicity for me.

the reason ive been so terrified to attend the show is because i keep having ocd freakouts that someone is going to die or that, like, this date is evil and tainted or soemthing. like literally to the point that ive spent a few entire days this past week just crying in my bed because im so terrified of losing anyone else in my life. but as the show gets closer, i am realizing i just need to trust god and believe that im allowed to enjoy myself. believe that saint’s angel is protecting me and my loved ones, just like they have every day for the past year. they have sent me so many signs, and ive known a lot of dead people but never have i received so many obvious signs from anyone, even my own father. it makes me wonder if saint graduated the rebirth cycle, since they were a 9, and they brought so much goodness to this world. i think they graduated and are now a very powerful angel forever.

its been so hard to go on without them. they were my grief councellor fr. there were some years of my life where they were one of the only people i talked to because no one else could understand. they loved POSTING, we met on tumblr and they were always so supportive of the way i express myself. after they died was when i started drawing and posting on here again bcus i knew i had to honor them this way. i cant put into words how much their friendship impacted me and i wish i could do more, i wish i cld plaster their face onto every wall and scream from the rooftops “THATS MY FRIEND AND I LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!”. god i am going to cry so much at the bladee show, i know they’ll b rite there on my shoulder the whole time.

if u read all this, thank you. it weighs on me massively n i try not to show it too much online but man. i have been a mess. n sometimes i just wanna spill my guts. i cld say so so much more about my dear friend but i’ll leave it at this for now. im praying that the show goes well tomorrow and everyone makes it there safely. if u guys cld pray for me too id rly appreciate. i rly feel like saint is with me and im allowed to have hope now. i love you saint. thankyou for posting so much so i have plenty to look back on. <3

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toerrishumansodontbeone · 10 months

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Everywhere else seems too shameful to share(though I did anyway) & elaborate on, because those places are full of legitimate knowledgeable pros/artists, but uhhhh,

so I think I want to become a tattoo artist?

But seeing as I am the person that I am, living in the place that I am, knowing the language as badly as I do and having the anxiety that I do that makes it appear even more basic, I don't think I really can go the traditional route of studio apprenticeships.

And the loud majority of studio tattooers will of course tell you to never ever how even dare you try to do ANY tattooing on your own!!!! To the point of actively discouraging even buying a machine at all, even just for practice skins. Just draw a lot and go spend 1-3 years in an unpaid grueling apprenticeship where maybe they'll let u do something in a year or so uwu (tho there are also ppl fighting the gatekeeping) ( n some apprentices Ive seen whove started doing serious practice within a few months)

But yea so,,, thats why tbh it feels embarrassing to even mention me wanting to, even though on the other hand thats also.... the way to put any sort of attention on you, to garner interest from prospective mentors and amass future clients....... but also god its nerve wrecking thinking some local pro is looking at my stuff with disdain and mockery.

It just sucks how much language is a barrier for me. I'm not confident enough to just barge in talking in english even if they prob know the language fine enough.

Ontop of that its kinda sad I had all this sustained motivation for several days in a row but then I made the mistake of posting some little designs online. Because I was excited about it I of course expected excitement back. A response! A showering of praise and acceptance!

But the need for social validation is a poisonous pit and it never gives back quite what you give it. I knew it would not give me the validation and would ruin things and make me doubt myself and still I was hopeful and wanted it to be different and maybe a little bit more like the old times,,,

Its so hard to keep up my own confidence, as essential as it is to human psychology. I cant even create those little wins to sustain any real growth in myself. I just keep regressing and becoming worse. Im a hermit but one that doesnt even have any real community to turn to even online..........ughhhhhhh.

This is a very unstructured ramble, but its felt so fruitless having all these thoughts clogging my brain and nobody to talk to about them.

I dont know. Now I suddenly got back into writing and making more significant progress on my story/possibly novella.

and inbetween I thought more and more of how tattoo artist is the antithesis of me. I cannot pull my own clients, I cannot talk to people and make them want to keep coming back for my company, I could not do the receptionist duties for an apprenticeship, I do not even have an appropriate space to tattoo if it ever came to that AND renting even v small offices is stupid expensive at first glance. So I could not start doing that without already having a steady stream of clients.

Tattooing feels like a level of responsibility I could handle, it feels like it would be an interesting new craft to explore, w techniques to master, a different kind of self expression........ but thats all idyllic theory. No career path really fits me and it comes back down again to me being so unable to change my social ineptitude. Its such a waste how I had some modicum of comfort and progress in that sphere my last few years in Latvia,, and it fell apart just because it was so unsustainable financially......... N now that Ive been comfortably settled for a while in austria, just being financially stable and comfortable isnt enough...

Insanely Ive been wondering if the economy has evened out some in LV that I could come back.......but theres no way I would even physically *survive* through some unpaid apprenticeship there.....

#uhhhhhh #im in a whining mood lately #this is very incoherent #anyway everything sucks wish I could be less self aware and keep the train rolling #until it landed against an actual obstacle and not jsut the idea of one #vermin chat

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enoch-xyz · 1 year

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Well! I have good news. Both for myself personally and from what I've heard around:

Outside world wise, people have found out how Roman concrete is able to self repair and why most Roman structures can still stand!! Also they found more distant stars in the milky way that helps to further figure out the depth of our galaxy! Apparently these stars also pulse like a heart beat!!

And personally, I have recently been branching out my social networks to talk to more people which is!! Hard considering my anxiety and stuff but like!! I've been having people tell me my art and ocs are really cool which I struggled with for weeks now so it's great!!

If you want more positive news, there's a website called "good news Network" that has a lot of good news!!!

wait omg as the (obvious) resident ancient rome enthusiast thats fucking crazy ive been waiting so long to learn why roman concrete is so good thats amazing

also thats really good!! ive been wanting to branch out socially more, off and online but its super hard considering anxiety so i get you 😭 but im glad things are getting better :]

#ask #anon #long post #[sort of]#[ITS LONG TO ME i have adhd]#[i wanna post more online like my art and music]#[maybe join more discord servers of mutuals]

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funkylittledemon · 1 month

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autism and emotions is so.... well it fucking sucks is what it is. i need my mind to slow down for a second to get all these thoughts down bc i will explode if i dont get them out there (hence why this post - only bee is gonna see this & knows me enough to be worried for more than an hour or so and if i put this where nobody can see it aint actually out there) (wassup bee dw i am okay)

anyway

i say that life is just getting to me rn and it is but thats too vague a statement. current affairs (an impartial term but a useful one here) are getting to me - I'm trying to navigate adulthood while it feels like the life i was promised is being taken away by whatever event you want to pick; global warming, late-stage capitalism, multiple genocides, the list goes on. and I'm one of the lucky ones!! how fucked up is that! so there's that constant stress hanging above my head.

then there's more abstract life: navigating uni and living alone and looking after myself while forming relationships and starting to try carve a path for myself. this one isn't as bad but still can't be ignored and the fact that interpersonal relationships have become so scrutinised through social media doesn't help. no matter the insecurity you have or your own specific factors there will be someone online telling you your worst fears are right - i cant say how many times ive scrolled past a reel saying that i havent had a message back because "he" doesn't care. does the person saying this even know I've seen it, let alone who i am or who "he" is? No!! but the sentiment sticks with you despite only seeing it for 3 seconds before scrolling on, despite logically knowing it can't apply to me because its a catch-all statement to everyone who feels insecure pushed onto us by an algorithm that thinks we want to hear that. social media is feeding into our fears and insecurities and we can't stop it. as an autistic person whos insecure as fuck and who knows they dont understand a lot of societal cues being told by some random person that im right to be insecure really doesn't help - i get the idea of something stuck in my head and bc i know its bs i try get it out which cements it further into my mind and lends it credence.

then there's uni itself - i am now faced with the realisation that everything leading me up to uni and my course has been about me helping other people, often to my own detriment. i chose a counselling course because i was always the therapist friend, the one who everyone else went to for help. and wouldn't you know it I've been burnt out for years and literally don't have it in me to help strangers, or give a shit about their lives. i cared so much and made my entire life about helping other people that i had no idea what i wanted to do. im switching to just psychology now, because it is interesting and i do enjoy it but im kind of lost now i dont have that purpose. it also scares me just how much of my life hadn't been about me at all and im still not sure who i am if im not helping someone. obviously thats the dramatic version but you get the gist. uni's been a wakeup call i wasn't prepared for and theres the work and exams on top of that

christ this is long. okay. what else was there. emotions. god i hate emotions. this is the hard bit. all my emotions are so so big and i am so so small and it feels like they would devour me whole if they could. anxiety is a big one. recently pretty much all ive been feeling is anxiety - a deep anxiety that makes me nauseous pretty much 24/7. last week on friday i had what i call a breakdown. i still dont understand it (which is scary enough - every other breakdown i can disect and point to the cause). i just sarted screaming in the middle of the street and couldn't stop and its making me anxious just typing this up. then there was a day of panic attack after panic attack (lost count after the 4th i think) and then a few days later and some bad decisions (booze. ik i shouldn't have drank but i thought i was ok to drink) i had another breakdown. i dont remember much of this one but it ended in me being locked out and sobbing - security had to let me in and it must've been bad bc the guy gave me a card with hotlines on it. (again, i am okay). i lost my leather jacket that night which both sucks bc i loved that jacket and also the fact that it's gone is a constant reminder of something im ashamed of. after that it was just this constant nauseating anxiety, occasionally spiralling into something more but not significant enough to include. the thing about me and emotions is that my strategy for dealing with them is to ignore and repress them until they're not my problem anymore. which is bad. but idk how to cope with them healthily and when i feel okay i never know if its because i repressed them again or because i genuinely feel okay. being around other people helps but thats probably not a great thing - i hide my emotions from other people to avoid being a burden. not that its always a bad thing that my friends make me feel better its just not a sustainable approach to constantly avoid being alone. i have this constant struggle of feeling emotions so intensely then feeling shame because of how intensely i felt those emotions or how they made me act.

going on from emotions fucking me over and moving on from Life being an issue anxiety is a fucking bitch. all my life I've felt like an outsider and so constantly nervous about everything. it was hell and then in 6th form i made friends who were so so confident and i finally started to relax a little bit more and not feel bad about taking up space. uni was even better! i had flatmates i loved and i was going out doing things I'd never dreamed of and i was making friends!! i barely recognised myself and i loved it!! then the breakdown happened and i was plunged headfirst back into the old cycle of anxiety and going back to that after feeling what life could be like? that was worse than the breakdown. it feels like ive never felt worse and the knowledge that theres no reason for it, that nothing had actually changed other than me and i could still be out there with confidence but i wasn't was such a crushing feeling it felt like i was never gonna feel okay again. dramatic i know but the truth.

im home for easter break now and typing this out has helped and going back to my old stomping grounds has shown me i have still changed and i do still have the confidence even if i couldn't access it for a hot min. I'm still anxious but thats okay. my emotions don't have an all poweful spell over me and anxiety can suck my dick. there's still the fear that I'll go back to uni and it'll all come rushing back however im just gonna see how this break goes. im gonna be alone whether i like it or not while im down here and if i can manage to be okay with that then I'll be fine. and i do have a support system both here and up at university.

#life updates with fish #vent post #ig #honestly i might not be okay but that's alright. i dont have to be okay and i don't have to be ashamed #im doing better than i was though #but every time i type that the anxiety returns so probably not actually its just more managable #long post #fuck me this was longer than i thought it was gonna be #oops oh well

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breathingwithdifficulty · 9 months

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it's late, ive been online a lot today, and i just wanna document where i feel like im at right now in my own semi-private way.

school started back up a few days ago - hard to believe im an upperclassman in college now. like, wowie. part of me never thought id get this far, so that's cool.

im feeling good about life right now - ive had more energy this week than expected, ive been making lunch and dinner for myself (most days), going to bed at a decent time (again, most days), and trying really hard to pay attention in my classes. im not falling asleep in lecture or taking naps in the library, at least not yet. i feel happier, more refreshed. i still feel grumpy when i wake up in the morning and i don't eat the best and im on my phone too much but im learning to like how i look more and im being kinder to myself when things are harder and im realizing that maybe... ive got this.

i always hesitate to take in these wins, these periods of highs, because i worry that voicing them will somehow take them away. i also know that im supposed to be on my period next week, so i might look back at this post in a few days and wonder "wow, who was she?" but right now im okay. my anxiety hasn't been overwhelming me, i can get over awkward social situations way easier, i don't dwell on little things as much. i still worry, i still get anxious when my sister hangs up abruptly or my roommate is oddly quiet, but its more manageable. ive been keeping my room pretty picked up, cleaning my dishes near-daily, and i even cleaned out the fridge on a whim yesterday just to help out my roommate while she was not feeling well.

im trying to work more on moving with my energy flows rather than against it - when im tired, i rest, and when i have some extra energy, i use it to help my future self out. well, kinda. im trying to, at least. that's the goal i have in mind and, well, the goal is half the battle, right?

its getting better. and im tired now, with it being so late on a friday. so i think im gonna rest and just let myself enjoy this

2:03AM

8/26/23

#mine #my text

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studyari · 1 year

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march update

it’s officially midterms time. i thought i would post an update becuase this semester has took SO much out of me. i finished my internship funded by the national science foundation in january, can’t say i made too many ties there since i hardly saw my superiors. BUT i did get to know the metrology lab pretty well and even got their machine working. going into it i did NOT imagine i could accomplish that but i felt so good getting it working! i even made a little overturn training manual and gave it over to them.

okay so starting this semester i am in my gateway courses. so a bunch of physics courses at one time ugh plus i was taking differential and linear algebra. i got so stressed out with the workload that i had a dream where i crashed into a forest and the airbags went off lol. that same morning i dropped my lab and differential equations. it was just WAYYY too much for me.

i’m still a full time student so it was clear i was doing too much. hmm okay so i’m in my gateway courses so mathematical physics, classical mechanics, and modern physics. i knew i was going to struggle with classical mechanics because kinematics alone was hard for me to grasp and it’s basically dynamics. i didn’t apply as an engineering major literally because i didn’t want to take dynamics LOL i struggled in statics. Of course im taking the same class just named something else and a lot harder T_T. i also wanted to get some undergrad research experience and work in an electronic materials lab but yeah i’m just tooooo busy it was a good idea though lmao.

okay but honestly mechanics is the hardest class for me, modern physics is my most interesting class, and mathematical isn’t too bad even though i suck at math because our teacher grades us mostly on completion and work shown. the hardest thing about this semester is just the schedule itself. so we have to take all three at the same time for some reason or you wouldn’t be able to register for the class ummm overkill much?! and the schedule is from 10am - 7:30 pm ughhhh. I have to take the bus there so add on a couple hours and then i have to walk to class. ohhh i miss the online/hybrid classes so much lol. by the time i’m in my last class i am literally asleep. don’t worry ive started drinking coffee.

looking on the brighter sides of things i’m being a lot more involved in campus and i’m really liking getting to know my classmates! i am so antisocial and awkward so im surprised. i’ve been going to the women in stem meetings, society of astronomy, nsbe coding workshops, ieee circuits workshops, career fairs, and boba socials just for funsies. i realize school isnt all about good grades and killing yourself for that A. i’ve even had more time to spend with my friends (it is so true what they say about making time not having it lol). almost every other weekend we see each other and have little celebrations, watch movies, have study dates, go to the park, get coffee/boba, go shopping etc. and facetiming my friends back in arizona as well! one of my club advisors told me its actually the b and c students that do better in the job market and isnt that freaking crazy! ever since then ive been reminding myself that being perfect and getting a’s isnt always worth it. i have other life to live too and people wont necessarily fault me for that.

okay as for my grades though i have been bombing every single quiz like a 50 or LESS LMAO. that’s with me studying at least a whole day before. however as of now i have passed every exam so far. so my current grades right now are 90% in modern physics, 98% mathematical physics, 100% classical mechanics (but a lot f the grades arent in yet), and a 99% in linear algebra. See and thats me not killing myself this semester so im super happy i decided to not overdo it, it really doesnt make as much as a difference as i thought lmao clearly.

looking forward to spring break! i was in therapy/behavioral health all last year trying to tackle my anxiety and i would say its been helping. its all about making a choice. i’m also in physical therapy now for the next couple of months and then once summer starts i’ll start going back to therapy again. this post might seem positive but this semester i have never felt more unmotivated or stupid. some days i feel like i cant do this and that everyone else around me is so much more capable. but i know as soon as i give into those thoughts that i’ll end up giving up and i don't want to give up. my boyfriend also has been feeling the same way.

i also lost my wallet this week soooo all my documentation and identification is gone ugh. i had a full on breakdown but am getting that figured out. i’m going to an applications of black holes seminar tomorrow and i am super excited about that. took my linear algebra exam today too, (WHY IS THAT CLASS SO HARD BTW). i havent yet applied but theres this summer research opportunity happening at the university of toronto (dunlap institute of physics and astrophysics) and i think im going to apply! i really want to travel this year and experience something new!

#ari #personal

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sereniv · 1 year

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I unfortunately don’t have access to family members. My family members are very…grimy people to say the least. They’re just someone I can’t contact so I’m mainly doing everything on my own. My family isn’t one to care amount culture they’ve unfortunately fallen very deep into religion. Not saying that there is anything wrong with religion however Christianity has done horrible things to ethnic communities no offense if you happen to be Christian. I’m still shy and full anxiety so calling tribal communities is hard for me but I have tried to reach via social media I haven’t gotten back from them since I tried but I’ll try again soon and even if I can’t directly reconnect( if I choose to do so) with the nation maybe I’ll find someone else from the community who I can try to listen and learn from.

oh same tho. a lot of my dads side is christian/catholic and are trump supporters (my dad is unfortunately very very right leaning it seems). Same with my italian relatives, one of which was so upset about someone defacing a columbus statue 🙄 Pretty much everyone is unapproachable

It feels so closed off it sucks. So i feel you

And yeah im shy and full of anxiety when it comes to calling too. I always feel like "well if it mattered enough id do it" (which ofc i only apply to me which shows how dumb the idea is)

Not to say our anxiety is good, but nice to know im not alone in that. Online is easier for me but my brain is always running on empty so im afraid to start digging or talking and starting conversations bc its like, what if i have no spoons anymore and just ghost the person 😩

But yeah! I think youre on the right path, and it can be so hard with anxiety to a point where it seems like it leads nowhere

But again theres time. I definitely know for me it feels like theres no time, bc the feeling of having had it taken away from me. But it gets easier

If you take days or weeks or even months not doing anything towards this it doesnt mean that it isnt important to you. It just means that mentally its probably overwhelming, and sometimes you also can hit a wall and HAVE to wait it out.

Like ive been waiting a while and i just got someone who messaged me where now it feels like im getting somewhere. And all i had to do was live life and wait for that to come my way (well and it helped that i joined some groups on fb)

Definitely go on fb or reddit or any other social platform and join groups/forums and lurk. (Id say try discord too but if youre anything like me that is a no go bc anxiety) Which is what i do. I go on fb, add all the Yaqui groups and basically thats how i got someone messaging me.

I really have my fingers crossed for you! Hope the people get back to you too 💓

#ask #anon #oyster

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bflovemail · 3 years

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i'll be more active on this blog soon, just haven't been using tumblr properly lol

#like i lurk every day but not using the app #but im gonna fix it (my main) up soon so there will be more content #also ive been having a lot of Online Anxiety so its been hard to socialize even here online #but yeah i still think about you and stuff *kiss*

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souptual-remade · 5 years

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#i think im gonna come back on here more frequently!!#i miss interacting with you guys and im in my final weeks of schook #*school #ALSO important:#i genuinely love love love talking to you guys on here through messages #but i honestly get anxiety when i see i have quite a few messages #and i just stop responding because i like to really get into the convo #and if i know i dont have the time or mental capacity i just .. dont open the messages #so im soo sorry if ive left you on read and honestly the best way to talk to me is just to interact thru asks and stuff #i really do care about you guys and i want to be able to talk to you and get life updates !! its so fun to hear about your day #but lately especially i just havent had the time and when i have its been when im super mentally drained #and social interaction (even online) takes a lot out of as an introver #i just wanna make sure you guys know i care abt you even if im so bad at messaging #also because i dont know like any of you irl its hard for me to keep up on the convos just bc i dont see you to remind me to respknd

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destinyc1020 · 3 years

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"toxic environment for themselves"

This ^^^ here.

I dont like talking about them but lemme say this if any antis or blogs are spying... y'all need to move on.... log off. Sorry if this is disrespectful but from what ive seen the blogs are a group of people enabling each others coping mechanisms. Its so unhealthy. They're desperate to reassure eachother theyre not really together but they're dreading everytime they go online incase there's more tea that they've to spin it into some nonsense to sooth themselves. Now I dont feel bad cause most are horrible to tom or straight up racists but I think there's a point to be made. If anything stresses you out to this level on social media please log off. It happened when tomdaya first broke up many people had to take a break and tbh theres a few tomdayas that could probably take a break and not stress so much over when they're gonna see eachother next or this or that. Stanning someone is meant to be fun. Its meant to take you away from the stress of your life. If that's not the case anymore (which i think is actually quite common) then you need to step back. I see it all the time in the tom fandom. Fans constantly stressing about his roles, what people are saying about him etc. Its become extremely common to get obsessive and attached to things and people whether its a comfort thing or social media giving us so much information on a person we feel like we know them but I think its so important for people to become self aware and learn their limit. I wishhhh stans would learn this it would cause them so many less headaches and arguments. Why spend all day arguing if a couple is real or not? Why spend the day trying to prove them wrong? Why waste your life arguing with randomers on whos the best spider-man or why toms movies aren't bad or why zendaya isn't operated etc. Being a fan of someone should be about enjoying their content and sharing your love for them with others not to become their army and attack anyone who says boo about them. Apologies this became an essay its just something that I've noticed and it's really been bothering me. Its hard to have fun in a fandom that spends me time arguing with people then hyping up their fav

Thank you Anon for saying this! I agree 💯%! You brought up so many good points about Antis/Trolls. Like you said, most of them are trying to console themselves (in an unhealthy way btw) by trying desperately to disprove or discredit a legitimate relationship btwn 2 people, instead of just taking the L, MOVING ON, and simply being happy for them.

I can’t even imagine what it must feel like to be an anti/troll right now. I would feel constantly on edge rotfl. It would be a depressing existence let me tell you. It’s way too much mental and emotional energy to try to negate something, instead of just letting what’s meant to be to just BE.

As for Tom Stans/Z Stans or Tomdaya Stans..... I agree with you on this also! Stanning/fangirling over someone is supposed to be fun and light-hearted. If you find that it is causing you a lot of anxiety, depression, anger, or uneasiness, then whew chillle....You either need to step AWAY from the fandom for a bit and focus more on yourself and your own life, OR, maybe it’s best to stan or be a fan of someone else. 😔

Being a fan of someone should never be hard work or make you feel anxious/upset/angry/argumentative. If it’s making you feel that way, then it’s a problem. It might be best to not take people’s opinions (especially online) too seriously. Opinions are like belly buttons... Everyone has them, and a lot of them stink lol. 😂 I understand that you want to defend your fave (and some people’s hatred online really does cross the line and is very hurtful and uncalled for), but honestly, those people’s opinions don’t mean much in the long run.

Just focus on the POSITIVE fans, and focus on your fave. There will always be haters out there, but don’t focus on them. You will be happier focusing on people who appreciate your fave and their work. JMHO

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tigerdrop · 3 years

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hey i just wanna say the long posts genuinely make my day. also can you talk more about gordon freeman character because the way you write him makes me quake in my gay little boots

i would love to talk about gordon freeman. thank u for the opportunity

the first thing i need to communicate about gordon is that this dude sucks. and i say this in the fondest way possible. he is a bitch from the moment he drops into the world until the moment he goes out. if you dont believe me, give it another watch! gordons mouthy and rude for no real reason, at least so far as “being a regular dude on his way into work” goes, and this dude goes around calling his coworkers names with zero provocation. (of course, we all know that the reason is because its a funny guy improv stream that borrows a bit from freemans mind, but im talkin from a character sense.)

but my argument isnt just that gordon freeman sucks. its that he sucks in a very specific way that i find insanely endearing. i love this dude. i love to hate him. hes awful in a very mundane sense - weve all known a guy like this, at least if youve spent too much time online - and its cathartic to watch him suffer because of it.

gordons a smart guy. as written, hes gotta be - hes a recent MIT grad, on his way to work at a top-secret research facility to do weird shit with crystals and theoretical physics. but the thing about smart guys is that theyre often......selectively intelligent. we can see this in the way that he has a hard time navigating his surroundings, and needs the science crew to guide him through it and keep him alive.

this is one of those things that is a natural consequence of somebody going through the game for the first time, but that i am interpreting as “gordon is kind of stupid sometimes”. its uncharitable but its not like he doesnt deserve it. he likes to boss around the crew as if he knows what hes doing, when he often very much does not, and is fond of demeaning their intelligence. hes real bad about this with tommy in particular, treating him like hes a kid whos playing at being a scientist when tommy is actually a decade older than him. all i am saying is that gordon ought to stay humble. hes awful cocky when he perceives himself as better than others.

which, i think, tracks with how cocky he gets when he gives up on the whole “well-meaning citizen” thing and just unloads bullets into people. he puts up a front of being a Nice Guy, you know, just some dude caught in a bad situation who doesnt like seeing his companions obliterate every NPC they come across, but that doesnt stop him from cackling like a fucking madman and mowing down aliens (and soldiers) every once in awhile. when he stops seeing himself as helpless and starts seeing himself as the one in control, the gloves come off. he gets mean. and i think thats very sexy of him

this, among other things, is why i am insistent that gordon freeman is a control freak. he desperately wants to be in control of the situation at all times, shepherding around the science crew primarily by bitching at them, but its of limited success. its futile. sisyphean. tommy, coomer, bubby, and benrey exist almost to torment him with exactly the thing that would make him suffer the most: a gaggle of people running around causing problems for him, but he cant go anywhere without them b/c hes reliant on them to make it out alive.

its perpetual suffering, and its cathartic to watch. and funny, too. and if youre a little weirdo like me, its very, very enjoyable. how twisted up he gets when nobodys listening to him! how sweaty and frazzled he must look. its cute, and it also makes me want to reach through the screen and shake him and tell him to just be a little nicer. he wants control but he doesnt know how to attain it, he doesnt know how to play nice like a real leader. i think its a neat contrast to gordon freeman as we know him in HL2, where he literally is the leader of the resistance and has to live up to it. this is gordon freeman but if he was moe through helplessness.

“helpless” is, i think, a great way to describe him. a core bit of imagery in half life is this sense of railroadedness and helplessness, with gordon freeman being put into play like a chess piece and having no choice but to move forward. and this iteration of gordon leans into that by being totally dependent on the science crew in order to make progress and Not Die. and hes also subject to the whims of benrey, local eldritch weirdo who has basically made it his life mission to fuck with gordon.

gordons anxieties dont help with that. if he wasnt so fun to stress out and fuck with, the science crew probably wouldnt do it so much! too bad for him that they like fucking with him so much that he was driven into a panic attack (multiple times, even, depending on your interpretation). hes got that real neurotic mindset. always worrying about shit that could go wrong, and attempting to exert control over his surroundings in an effort to control the anxiety.

IMO the real way to nail the Neurotic Gordon Freeman Experience is to combine the ever-present anxiety with his pervasive sense of self-loathing. he openly states that he has no friends and nobody seems to like him, and to that, i really gotta say, i wonder why. he doesnt really seem to factor in that hes kind of a bitch, and has way too high an estimation of his own intelligence relative to everybody elses. its really one of the worst ways to be: aware that people dont like you, but unaware of exactly why. if he was like, 10% nicer, he probably wouldnt have had half as many issues getting through black mesa, but also, its funny to see him squawking his way through the game. so, you know.

its stuff like that that makes me headcanon him as a dude with low self-esteem in general. convinced that hes not likable, not attractive, out of his element......impostor syndrome, except that theres some truth to it. this is a guy who truly does not realize how good he has it: he really is just an average shitty dude, and yet, somehow, benrey took a shine to him. some poor motherfucker out there actually likes him and wants to suck his dick. thats dedication

also, i keep bringing up “repression” when i talk about gordon. and hopefully, what ive been talking about helps explain why. he has a strong desire to be a regular dude, not just murdering his way through black mesa, but if hes pushed hard enough he leans into it. gets bossy. picks up a cigar off a dead soldier and takes a long drag, before smacking forzen around with a pistol and ordering him around. gordon freeman is a regular, kind of anxious guy who likes competitive swimming and streaming on justin.tv and making anime references, and he is also a guy who takes a filthy pleasure in making a trained soldier his bitch. and i didnt make up any of this shit - this is purestrain canon, baby. this is a guy with problems

to me, this screams the kind of guy who represses a lot of shit b/c he doesnt feel like its morally decent. you run into this guy a lot online: the wokeboy, the online leftist, the guy who spends too much time on social media websites. (like reddit. i think he would actively use reddit and he would never get any appreciable amount of karma but he never stops posting. its sisyphean! cathartic.) from the way he talks about “bootboys”, i think it tracks. he knows about imperialism, he knows about feminism, but at the end of the day hes your average american white dude who struggles with internalizing it.

a lot of those dudes struggle with sex and gender issues. (dont we all.) when youre trying to be a Good Person(tm), you spend a lot of time thinking about your own relationship to sex and kink and all that shit. and i maintain that a too-online dude who buries a lot of his control freak tendencies would also try to bury a lot of weird sexual shit in an attempt to seem Normal and Well-Adjusted and not like a little freak. i justify this by the sheer number of times gordon blurts out weird sex shit as a joke. there are only two outcomes to making that many piss jokes: either youre secretly a piss guy, or you lathe-of-heaven yourself into becoming one. i will stand by this

ive talked a lot about why this dude sucks. now, let me talk to you about what makes gordon so much fun to write. first things first: hes funny! a subjective evaluation, yeah, but both in- and out-of-character, hes aiming to be funny. and being the straight man to everybody else plays into that whole “helplessness” thing.

secondly: underneath it all, there is a good dude under there. gordon worries when his companions get hurt, he tries to clean them off and patch them up, and hes got his lil leftist heart in the right place. you could even read a lot of his bossy, bitchy demeanor as him wanting to make sure everyone gets out okay and doesnt hurt themselves. when it comes to animals and anti-imperialist sentiment, gordons a pretty good guy.

hes the kind of guy who would probably see a dog on the street and get excited and play with it, but would get really prickly about the correct way to put dishes in the dishwasher. control freak tendencies.

finally, subjecting such a miserable, tormented guy to even more psychological anguish is really, really fun. you feel a little bad for him, but he kind of deserves it. so many problems he goes through are purely of his own making, and if gordon would just relax and quit trying to hard to maintain control - of himself, of the people around him - and own up to having Problems and Issues, he would be a happier guy. but thats why its fun to bend him until he breaks. being a little control freak myself, putting gordon freeman thru psychosexual torment is cathartic.

when it comes to writing his thought processes, the fact that he is canonically some kind of psychotic (yes, i am boldly claiming this. suck me) and i am also canonically some kind of psychotic makes it easier to write what i think his thought processes are. i just give him my brain issues of “getting lost in thought” and “overthinking fucking everything”. a touch of paranoia helps. even if i dont explicitly label him as schizophrenic please know that i am writing him as a paranoid little nutcase at all times because, uh, you write what you know.

paranoid. anxious. of the mindset that everyones out to get him (which isnt helpful when everyone is out to get him). repressed and deeply Not Normal but trying so very fucking hard to be normal and well-adjusted. a control freak with sadistic tendencies who also really, really likes getting bullied by his best frenemy. a hapless little nerd who sounds really cute when his voice starts to break from nerves. and, most importantly, a dumb jock. do not ever forget this.

thats gordon freeman, babey. hope that helps

#asky #careposting

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writethatdown · 3 years

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bc of the pandemic, ive been online way more than normal and its making me more irritable, especially since dealing with ppl, irl or not, stresses me out badly. im afraid of not being a functional human being and losing my social skills after all of this is over. also most of my friends seem able to get help for their mental health and i feel stuck with this pain and trauma that my parents simply dont care about, as ive told them before and they just shrugged it off as a "phase". idk how to healthily cope anymore.

Love, I just want to say that this is something which happened to me. I want to say that, it's not a phase. We as human beings are capable enough to know what's going on, the right and the wrong. And when people who have the chief responsibility of their child neglect to acknowledge them, it becomes all the more difficult.

This period in your life is hard enough love. I know you're feelings are being pushed away, not seen and acted on and it is a horrible thing to experience. If you want someone to listen to you, platforms like mine are always available. You won't be a bother I promise.

Also, the pandemic has made life much more difficult for people who tend to be uncomfortable with socialising. People may not understand when you take time to recharge your social battery and judge you for it. It sucks. Moreover the anxiety of not being able to communicate in the outside world after it all comes down to normal is perfectly valid. We are so used to being inside our homes and using devices for literally everything, so the sudden change is bound to make us anxious.

Please don't worry about not being a functional being love! You bring so much light to the world, you just don't know about. If you are thinking of an example, your ask made me feel less lonely, since we share the same situations in a lot of aspects and also definitely helping all those who may stumble upon this post, going through something similar.

Your feelings matter love. No matter how much the closest of people discard the fact away. If you can, there are free mental health platforms available. Even though it may not weigh with the actual therapy, it's some start. If anything, you are taking the first step into taking care of yourself!

#answered #I can't find that post with therapy tools #its somewhere down in my blog #I'll find and reblog it soon!

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the-kipsabian · 3 years

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its so hard to talk about my interests even to this day without feeling like im either annoying or that everyone hates me if i say as much as a word about a topic someone else is indifferent about

not only do i have awful past experiences about it (tho tbf it has gotten better as ive gotten older and ive learned to embrace some parts of my interest and sharing them with others but its. still very hard for me honestly) but i also suffer from social anxiety which makes any kind of interactions very hard for me at times, so that combination is perfect to just mess any kind of friendships i wanna build up about anything really

hence why i just. cant really bring myself to be very communicative or engaging in fandoms, cause even tho i see common ground and interests, i will always have that fear of disinterest and rejection cause ive been down that road with some of my most important friendships at an early age and it fucking wrecked me ngl

i know i talk about myself a lot some times. but online its much easier, on tumblr its way easier - i dont feel like im put on a spot to talk to someone face to face about things or to introduce myself in front of others that dont wanna talk to me or dont care about the same things i do. i know i have to put more effort into it this way, to try to find and engage with people (that, again, i rarely do cause im awful at everything lmao), but at the same time i can just punt kick a thought into the blue void and maybe tumblr will show it to someone. maybe they will see it, read it, and be like “oh hey cool” and something comes from that. its much easier with that kind of a buffer in the interaction for me, than to have to do this with someone face to face within the span of five minutes before they decide that they dont care and/or they hate me for what i like. i mean sure, on tumblr/internet that might happen as well, but i feel like since there is a physical distance, its easier for me. social anxiety is a bitch yall

anyways.. ive just been feeling kinda low lately. even more so today. im kinda lonely rn, i guess this is one of those kind of “hey come talk to me i swear im nice” type of posts. im not entirely sure. just got into thinking after that last reblog and. well yeah. im just bad at social stuff, im aware of it and working on it, but at the same time im just. i dont feel like i fit in. ive been hurt too many times by other people specifically about the stuff i love to be brave enough all the time to make an effort myself. it gets exhausting and im already tired and i just. i dont know. im trying to keep positive, but that means mainly sticking to myself. and some times thats hard when you see other ppl having fun and having friends and someone to talk to

i dont know if there was a point to this or not but hey thanks for coming to my ted talk im gonna pour more coffee in me and write some study notes clean yay

#night is an absolute mess on main

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