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magniloquent-raven · 3 years

Text

Fic Writer Questions

i was tagged by @cherry-toxic and @gideongrace ty both 💕🥰💕

How many works do you have on AO3?

which is a relatively small number but sometimes im still like, holy shit i finished 15 whole fics lmao

What's your total AO3 word count?

68,299 (time to post a 701 word fic and then never post again i guess)

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

well this is about to get mildly embarrassing lmfao. ive only got harry potter & stranger things fics on my ao3 and tumblr but if you want a full list, as a teenager i posted a shitty borderlands self-insert fic on quizilla, and hiccup/jack frost fic on ff.net.

and if u count fics that never got finished or published anywhere i dabbled in teen wolf, supernatural, dragon age, star wars, left 4 dead 2, skyrim, good omens, the mcu, buffy, wynonna earp, plus like, general disney/dreamworks crossover fic. and i started writing shameless fics recently, we'll see if i actually finish any. aaaand...i think that's it?

so...15?

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1. Wait for you, Burn for You

2. Find Our Way

3. Something to Hold

4. Room for One More Troubled Soul

5. Don't Know What I'm Gonna Do (About This Feeling Inside)

all harringrove fics except #4, which is probably only on the list because it's been on ao3 the longest lol

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

oh god, i used to. i did when i was starting out, but then i just. i get self-conscious about what to actually say & leave shit to sit for too long. and suddenly ive got like 100 comments i havent replied to and i want to respond to them so bad but ive left them so long i feel weird about it now and it's a problem 😥

i want to start responding to them again, and every time i get a new one i tell myself im gonna but i never do cuz im fuckin awkward lmao

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

i......don't really do angsty endings. like, most of my fics end with smooches and/or love confessions lmao, i don't like leaving things off sad, even if it starts depressing as hell.

maybe this one? it still ends soft but without resolving the thing billy was angsting about, so.

Do you write crossovers? If so what's the craziest one you've ever written?

hahahhha.............i don't really do them anymore, but i already said i was into the whole animation movie crossover thing, so. yeah, i did lol. it was when i was in high school so of course i did one that was like, every disney character ever and they're going to school together. which really isn't that crazy a concept, but it was a lot of movies to write in so maybe that counts

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

nahh, not rly. i don't get around enough to attract anti attention lol, tho i did get one of those "👎" comments when someone was going around doing that, which lbr, is so low effort it barely counts 😂

Do you write smut? If so what kind?

yea sometimes. i do get the occasional horny idea lmao. mostly "what if touch-starved character + tenderness" or someone having lots of feelings while they're fucking. someone is usually billy lbr. i've also got a couple "what if someone got tied up and treated right" ideas but i don't think i've actually published any of those lmao

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

don't think so?

Have you ever had a fic translated?

i have not

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

yea, kinda! a collab with a friend of mine for fun

What's your all time favourite ship?

i...don't know? i get emotionally invested in characters more than the relationships themselves lol. i don't even know what ship i've been invested in for a long time, most of the shit i shipped as a kid i don't give a fuck about anymore lol.

except fuffy, actually. i've always shipped buffy/faith

and if we wanna go with fandom i've actively stuck with the longest it'd be harringrove. cuz ive been here and writing shit for yall for over a year now when i usually would've cycled thru a couple fixations by now lol

What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

that's a mean question lmao how dare you. i honestly don't know, i have a lot of wips and i want to finish all of them. i know i won't but there isn't one specifically that seems less likely than the others so idk

What are your writing strengths?

uhhhhh.....i mean i've been told that my characterization is good? like, ppl being able to picture the actual characters when they're reading n stuff, so that's nice. and i could write introspection forever, u don't even know man, i get in the zone. i love getting in a character's head and picking apart their emotional state

What are your writing weaknesses?

writing dialogue really trips me up because i get picky about word choice lmao. i can be writing uninterrupted for twenty minutes cuz it's all a character's inner monologue but the second they gotta speak out loud im sittin there like ok what words sound natural and how much would they be willing to say etc. etc. suddenly it's an hour later and i've written three lines of dialogue. plus i tend to edit as i go so i'm always stopping and going back and rewriting stuff instead of just finishing the damn story

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

no thoughts head empty

lmao for real tho idk? i mean there's that one trope, when someone says nice stuff in a language the other person doesn't speak because they're pining and not sure if they're allowed to say it outright, that shit's cute. im sure all the google translated dialogue has been annoyin as shit for native speakers lmfao but yeah

What was the first fandom you ever wrote for?

probably harry potter but i literally have no idea. i started writing fic in my early teens and that time of my life is a big fuckin blur lmao

What's your favourite fic you've written?

ngl i think my fav fic is one of the multi-chapter wips i haven't published lmao

BUT. if i gotta pick something yall have read, this one. just a lil guy. plant dad billy and domesticity. it's cute and i like it. maybe also this fic that i wrote for valentine's day. i wrote basically the whole thing in one day and i was really proud of myself lmao, and i just really like headcanoning backstory for billy & that fic is rly just about him growing up, so

tagging @rvspberryjvm @wingedbears @paperbodiesamongthestars @platypan

if yall wanna! 💕

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beelziebabie · 4 years

Note

im the one who sent you that mammon request,,, beel rly is baby, but comparing him to The Great Mammon? foolishness. your writing is so gooood thank you sm for taking my request 🥺 if you're still looking for some, maybe a lucifer/mammon where they are both into mc and try to compete for her attention without her noticing their thirst? (also, do u take belphie requests? i love one salty boy)

i take ALL boys sweetie

all are welcome

im lowkey kinda warming up to satan,,, so i take back what i say about not caring about him

and sure!! im gonna write out this one cuz im thirsty for both of them no cap🗿

Title: Brotherly Competition

Scenario: Mammon and Lucifer bet that by the end of the day, one of them could get MC in their room alone.

time started: 2:25 PM

time finished: 7:35

(i procrastinated a lot and got really busy lol)

NSFW?: nope

Reader Insert?: yup

The occasional sound of sipping and very frequent sounds of munching filled the large dining room. All 6 Avatars were sitting at the dining table, minus you. You headed to your room and skipped dinner mainly because there was a test you had to study for in one of your classes at RAD. Beelzebub didn’t want you to go hungry, so he offered you some of his food but you declined. He shrugged it off and continued eating happily. That just meant more for him.

It was silent. Weirdly silent. Asmodeus’ fingers drummed against the clothed table, his coral colored eyes scanning the room. Everyone was eating peacefully, silently.

“It’s too quiet..” He whined to himself, poking at his food with his fork. His eyebrows were scrunched together with his bottom lip slightly poked out in a pout. “I wish Y/n was here..”

“Oh yeah!” Mammon suddenly shouted, causing everyone at the table (minus Lucifer and Beelzebub, who both totally tuned Mammon out) to flinch at his sudden movement. His hands crashed against his table and a large grin spread across his face. Asmodeus perked up a little bit at the commotion.

“Mammon, what is it now?” Satan sighed, bringing his glass to his lips and taking a long sip from it.

Mammon stood up proudly and pressed his thumb into his chest, his chin up and his smirk never falling.

“I made a bet with Lucifer!”

Satan started choking on his drink. Beelzebub paused for only a moment to look up at Mammon with his eyebrows raised, shook his head, then continued eating without a word. Leviathan rolled his eyes and pushed his plate over to Beelzebub who gratefully took it and added it onto the mountain on his plate.

“Liar,” Levi said, taking his cellphone out of his pocket to open an bishojo game he found earlier.

Mammon shot a glare at him. “But I’m not! Look, you can ask him yourself!”

“Right, like Lucifer would make a bet with you of all demons,” Satan shook his head and cleared his throat, putting down his fork and wiping his mouth with a napkin.

A bet with Lucifer was something that pretty much never happened. Lucifer would rather not waste his time on such a trivial thing, and definitely not his money either. How did Mammon manage to do that though?

Lucifer sighed, and everyone’s attention went over to him. Expecting eyes lingered on him, as he pinched the bridge of his nose. A visible vein popped up on his temple.

“Yes, I made a bet with him,” Lucifer started and he could hear their jaws drop. He brought his hand down from his face and glared at Mammon. He sat down in his seat after a cold sweat washed over him.

“However,” He continued, “No one will know what it’s about.”

“Aww, c’mon Lucifer!” Asmodeus propped his arm up on the table and leaned his cheek into his hand. “Why cant you tell us? We’re your brothers after all,” He smiled at him.

Lucifer picked up his fork and carried some food into his mouth, chewing and swallowing before speaking up again. “And I cant trust any of you. Maybe Beelzebub.”

“Ouch,” Asmodeus frowned playfully and stood up in his seat. “Well I’m heading to bed, goodnight!”

Most of the brothers just waved goodbye, but Lucifer and Leviathan who both said “Night” or “Goodnight”.

When you woke up the next morning, you werent surprised to see Mammon there already. He was sitting on the edge of the bed and it looked like he was dozing off.

You laughed lightly and sat up. He flinched when he heard your giggle, but relaxed when he realized it was just you. “How long have you been sitting there, Mammie?” You yawned and stood up, stretching your arms high above your head.

Mammon’s face tinted a light shade of red as he watched your nightgown ride up your thigh just a bit. He snapped out of it when he heard your question. “Good, you’re awake! Finally! Do you have any idea how long you kept me waiting!?” He huffed and watched as you went over to your closet and tossed the multiple garments that made up your school uniform onto the bed.

“Sorry to keep you waiting,” You picked out a white bra and a matching white panties and tossed them onto the bed as well. Mammon couldn’t seem to tear his eyes away from the undergarments. “So, you’ve been watching me sleep for a while now then?”

“Eh? No!— I just—“ His face lit up with a red hue and it didnt help when you looked back at him out of the corner of your eye.

“Whatever! Just— hurry up so we can get to breakfast,” He turned away sharply from your gaze, standing up from the bed and heading for the door. Mammon heard you hum in reply. “Okay, I’ll be down there in a few.”

Before leaving your room completely, he paused and bit his lip. “I uh.. I also packed up your stuff for you. You looked exhausted, so..”

You turned your face to him and put on a warm, closed eye smile. Just when he thought his face was calm it warmed right up again. “Thanks Mammie. I appreciate it, a lot.”

He huffed and opened the door. “Pshh, yeah! You better!”

At the breakfast table, it was weirdly silent. It seemed as thought Lucifer and Mammon were silently communicating with each other, but to you, it just looked like they were glaring at each other.

You bounced a bit in your seat, the tips your feet just grazing the carpeted floor. You ate with a small smile and short hums between chews. You swallowed your food and stood up.

“I’m finished!” You said, even though there was a bit of food left. Before you could even ask if Beelzebub wanted it he took your plate from your hands and dumped it onto his. He muttered something along the lines of “No food should go to waste”.

“I’m gonna head to class early. I still have some books in my room to get. Mammie, are you coming?” You bent over slightly and picked up your bookbag, slinging it over your shoulder. You flattened out and wrinkles in your skirt and waited for his answer.

“Huh?” He said, half of his spoon already in his mouth. “Oh, y-“

Lucifer stood up abruptly and picked up his plate. “Mammon is still eating his breakfast, Y/n. I’m sure he would like to finish it,” He walked over to the kitchen and a couple clinks were heard, then water running. Lucifer came back out.

“I’ll help you with your books. Is that alright with you?” He asked, his eyes shifting over to Mammon for a moment. Mammon was holding his fork so tightly that his knuckles were turning ghostly white. The smallest grin showed up on Lucifer’s features and he directed his gaze back to you.

“Oh, sure,” You hummed, starting to walk to your bedroom. But before you could even walk two feet away from your chair, Mammon stood up.

“Actually, I’m quite full thank you very much!” He hissed at Lucifer and he rolled his eyes.

“I can carry your bag for you, Y/n!” He rushed behind you and before you could object he slipped the strap off of your shoulder and swung it over his own. You blinked in surprise.

“Ah, thanks Mammie..” You shrugged it off and started walking to your room. That wasnt the first time Mammon would randomly do something for you, so you didnt pay any attention to it. You were also oblivious to the two demons sending death stares at each other behind you.

The entire day at school, Mammon and Lucifer followed you around like puppies. Lucifer would always offer to carry your stuff and you couldn’t say no to him.

Mammon would just take it from you and say “You should be honored that The Great MAMMON has decided to help you, a lowly human, with your things! Be grateful!”.

For some reason though, you had this weird feeling that there was something behind this. The two oldest, two of the most powerful demons out of everyone in Devildom randomly decided to help you with everyday tasks? Maybe you expected it from Mammon, but Lucifer? Something was up. But still, you brushed it off and only thought of it as friendliness.

Just before dinner, you announced that you would be eating your food in your room.

“Huh!? Why!?” Mammon shouted, already at your side. You looked up at him and laughed softly.

“Stop shouting. I really wanna watch this movie that I got off of Azukon a couple weeks back, but I could never find the time,” You sighed sadly, then replaced your frown with a smile and looked past Mammon’s body to talk to the oldest.

“Lucifer, do you want to watch it with me?”

Mammon’s jaw dropped and he immediately moved himself so that he was within your vision range. “What!? Why not me!?”

“Oh please, you always help me out with my stuff! Lucifer never does, so I wanna repay him by spending some time with him! Is that so wrong?” You stood up straight again and tried to move past Mammon, but he just stepped in the same direction that you tried to go in every time. You groaned and looked up at him.

Mammon huffed and crossed his arms. “Yeah! I was doing a little extra today too! I..I thought you’d notice..” He pouted a bit and looked off to the side.

You sighed and brought your hand up to ruffle his hair. “Hey!-“

“Fine. You can watch it too, okay? You’re so needy.”

“I am not! If anything, you’re the needy one! You needed my help all day just for a couple of books!”

“I never asked for anyone’s help, but okay Mammie,” You chuckled and shook your head, walking past him as he tripped over his words to think of a retort. He followed behind you once he noticed you were gone.

You approached Lucifer with a smile, and he returned a small one. “So, do you want to watch it with me? You’ll have to eat in my room though,” You held your hands behind your back and fiddled with your fingers a bit.

“Sure. It sounds enjoyable. What movie is it?” He hummed, watching Mammon’s expression get increasingly more irritated.

“It’s this movie called ‘Me and my brother both love this one girl and are both battling for her affection by doing small acts of kindness, but she’s so dense that she doesnt even realize!’! The reviews were really good so, I bought it!”

Lucifer and Mammon both blinked, then glanced at each other, then back to you. You still had a giant smile on.

Lucifer cleared his throat. “Ah..sure.. It sounds very familiar though. Maybe I have watched it.”

“Nope, It’s pretty new. I doubt you’ve watched it,” You hummed, walking past both of them and heading for your bedroom.

“Cmon! I already have it ready to watch. Let’s go!”

lmk if you want me to turn this into a smut or fluff lmao im not sure where im gonna take this its all up to you babe

#obey me #mammon #lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me lucifer #obey me shall we date #shall we date obey me #lucifer x reader #mammon x reader

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costellos · 3 years

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LOL A 401K IM DEAD but honestly...... tru

all that tax stuff, retirement plans.... nanami’s got it covered. and then there’s gojo, committing tax fraud 🤧 i’d compare gojo to salt as a seasoning but that’s kinda mean, he does have some flavor. like, sugar probably suits him better?? sweet, can be addicting, but bad for you if have too much of it 🙈 AND THEN NANAMI. man’s the whole spice rack, he wouldn’t have it anything less since he loves food so much 😤 he is, as we say, umami personified 🤌

yeah, it’s unfortunate lmfao but oh well. i do occasionally have them in a smoothie though, like you said!

alsjfhsha it’s def time consuming.... like i’d be sitting down w my family and when i’m finally done picking it all out, they’ve finished eating welp 😭 and yeah, the rational part of me knows that, but i’m that person someone has to go up the service worker for and be like “excuse me she asked for no pickles” (except i didn’t 🙈) i’m much better in restaurants bc the language barrier isn’t as intimidating so i will tell them to leave out an ingredient if it’s something i can’t easily take out

mmmmm i can see that! he’d be the guy who’d eat pizza with a fork and knife wouldn’t he lol. and dab all the excess oil off w a napkin. he probably only goes to the Legit pizza places too haha but i think if he likes you enough he can be convinced to eat almost anywhere

ofc!! ask games are more fun if it goes both ways 😌 and ooooo tsumu! interesting...... 👀 those are honestly such good date ideas w a guy like atsumu! that’d rly be smth he’d enjoy and ngl the moment i read ‘something physical’ i immediately imagined y’all racing LMAO. he’s a prime example of how competition can be good for you w the right person, so i can see you filling in the space osamu left after he decided to focus more on his food aspirations. like imagine making cute lil bets w him and the loser having to do what the winner wanted hehe. omg a double date w the miya twins would be sm fun tho??? from my impression of you so far, i definitely trust you to keep tsumu in line lmfao so catch me there. me and osamu are the ones spectating and judging your guys’ competitions and cheering you on to beat atsumu like we’re olympic commentators or smth LOL

aaaaa i’m honestly p shy but if anything can get me to come off anon, it’d be nanamin 😂 (it’s like we’re todo and yuji bonding over their shared type but w nanami skdjfjsjsjs) let me know if you prefer to keep it here or on discord and i’ll give you my account, whichever platform you like better! also congrats on 1k! much deserved!! 🎉

cut for length!

A;LDSKJ GOJO WOULD COMMIT TAX FRAUD. lmao salt is a lil mean!! sugar is more fitting <3 sugar is also used for more fun foods, and I feel like it matches him bc of his sweet tooth. but Nanami........ o lawd. definitely the whole spice rack yes. 100% agree. pls I would use him in everything. wait was that a weird thing to say?

ah I totally understand! well, u got this friend. the next time u go out for Mexican food, I’ll be there cheering for u in spirit!!

and yes.... ugh... I don’t think he’s particularly picky, he’ll try anything. he just doesn’t like foods that are excessive, if that makes sense? like what you were saying with the grease. I think he’s more the type to like subtle flavors. an obnoxious meat lover’s pizza from The Hut would be a no go, but he’s down for a, quote, Legit Pizza Place. the kind of Italian restaurant that’s authentic! but let’s admit it, by that point it wouldn’t even technically be “pizza.” authenticity comes with a price :’)

ty friend you’re far too kind 🥺 AND PLS YOU’RE MAKING ME BLUSH OVER MY LAPTOP HHHHHHH. I would love nothing more than to fill the Osamu-shaped hole in his heart once they both go into their separate careers. and god..... don’t encourage him. or me. I would definitely make bets w him. and I would win. but thank you sweet anon, I would do my best to keep him from annoying the shit out of you!! it would be an honor to have you and Osamu comment on our tomfoolery. 👉👈

MY GOD I WAS ABOUT TO KEYBOARD MASH AGAIN. we’re definitely Todo and Yuji.... u like Nanami and so now I’m obligated to imagine a whole life we coulda had together in high school together. even tho I graduated five years ago. and I’m assuming you did some time ago too since you mentioned you’re old...... lordt. anyway! thank you for the congrats!! I would love to discuss more headcanons and such w you over Discord! dm me and I’ll add you so that we can sob over Nanami’s absence in the anime <33

nanamin date anon said: me, rewatching eps 9-13 on replay until the new episode comes out: hahaha i love all the jjk characters equally! nanamin and *looks at smudged writing on hand* the extras

lol i love them all rly, it’s just super refreshing to have an adult like nanami in a shounen

haha yeah, i’m definitely glad i’m not the oldest (bc that’s way too much responsibility for me, idk how they do it) so being player 2 as a younger sibling isn’t too bad, especially since it’s the story that i’m usually more interested in rather than the gameplay itself. i don’t have to worry about remembering which buttons to press in a fight when i can just watch the plot play out lol. (it’s definitely a good game, i just suck at the controls 😅 my brother let me play a bit and i couldn’t get the web swinging down i was struggling so bad aslfjjfsjak) what sort of games are you into? 👀

even if it’s boring to some ppl, watching is a good way to experience the game for yourself as well, esp if it’s a single player game! ofc i do tend to prefer multiplayer games, but it’s not too dissimilar to watching someone play a sport tbh. AND NO KENMA IM PRO-SIDEQUEST LIVE OUT YOUR COMPLETIONIST DREAMS. if we gotta fetch that dude a super rare item to unlock his backstory we MUST do it ok

YEAH! mikorin is also voiced by noya’s va! it’s honestly a shame gsnk didn’t get a second season, it’s so good 😔

me: lol does that mean kuroo’s your tomoda

kenma: ok this date is over

LMFAOOOOO not my fault the popular choices are the ones that get you the good end 😤 and it’s all good, i’m also guilty of replaying to see how the other choices impact the story haha. if there’s no save system tho, i’d make him switch out w me every time we replay bc i’d zone out at all the repeat stuff (bless games that have a skip option 🙏)

UGH TELL ME ABOUT IT!!! ok so I love the other charas too but.... Nanami’s so good. so good. iono about you, anon, but I went back and rewatched his episodes from the dub and it made me Feel Things. and I agree, it is refreshing to see an adult like him in shounen. esp since he treats the kids like kids. and he makes it clear that their being kids is never a bad thing. I will reiterate: he’s so good.

ahhh friend that’s so nice!. your brother sounds really chill. plus it sounds like a good balance: you get to watch the story, and he gets to dick around!! win-win. and as for my fav games, I’m up for anything! I try to avoid co-op games like Overwatch bc I get too competitive and I’m a sore loser lmao (but they are fun!). the last games I played were the Last of Us 2 and Persona 5, two very different games, but stuff that’s a good time nonetheless. tbh as long as I can immerse myself in the story and there’s tons to explore, I’m down. what about you?? you’d kind of mentioned otome games and Animal Crossing, but I’m curious!

hm. interesting. that’s a nice way to look at it. I guess if it’s a really good game, it’s no different from an interactive movie! also Kenma would love that omg you’re going to save so many villages in the rpgs he plays w you.... gotta max out EVERYTHING. every side quest! every mundane task!! collect literally every feather!!! but I feel like he would pass the time by making idle conversation. like some dumb shit Lev had mentioned earlier that day. such a nice way to unwind at the end of the day, shit talking Lev w his fav person 😌

anyway! going back to completionist stuff: Kenma would have such a blast going back and replaying games w you! and yes bless games w a skip option hhh. thankfully he’d remember all your previous choices together, so he can help navigate where to go next. he has no qualms handing the controller over, I think he’d love to curl up next to you and analyze how you play! but I also feel like he’d be giving unwarranted suggestions....... thanks, Kenma.

also, about Mikorin’s va: WHAT. OH MY GOD. so many things to learn..... pls. indulge me w your trivia.

#nanamin date anon #FRIEND you are SPOILING ME #so many good scenarios and general content.....#thank u for popping by!#and I'll reiterate: I'd be more than happy to chat over Discord #if you're comfortable that is!#I would love nothing more than to yell about Nanami w you #toya slides u a note #Anonymous

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mnogorgannik · 4 years

Note

2 10 n 11 :)

this is basically an essay im so sorry. watch how hard i can infodump (ill put this under a cut hopefully it works bc sometimes tumblr decimates the keep reading things if theyre in asks)

2. Who’s your favorite of the Bound? What do you think of the different ideologies they have? Which of the factions are you most aligned with?

WE ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER I AM A PETER LOVER THROUGH AND THROUGH!!!!!! oh baby i love that morally questionable architect. pretty early on in getting into pathologic (it’s coming up on a year now...) i thought about peter stamatin too hard and now i’m here. but really i find him to be such a fascinating character!

the thing about pathologic that i love is how almost every character can be as complex as you want. pathologic does an excellent job of implying a lot of character traits while only exploring some in further detail, which in some games is frustrating but patho does it so well! it consistently hints at traits and lets you fill in the details yourself. peter’s character is extremely interesting to me... and maybe a little more relatable at times than i want to admit lol.

i think i’ll talk about both stamatins though! their dynamic hurts me a lot. i’ll start with andrey bc i’ve been thinking about him lately. although i’ll bounce back and forth between both stamatins.

i’ve said this before but i’ll say it again.... andrey’s role as a protector who inadvertently hurts the people he cares about really gets to me. he is not a shield but, in his own words, a battering ram. and the problem is that battering ram has a recoil.

i have to wonder how that mentality of his came about, anyways. the implication is that it’s always just been him and peter, so did he take on that role because there wasn’t anyone else to do it?

in his efforts to protect peter from... military, i believe, he kills four people. which leads to daniil getting mistaken for andrey, which leads to daniil getting shot. and almost dying. he protects peter but to a smothering extent, peter even says he’s been suffering for ten years bc of andrey which is a LOADED line. he protects on a physical level but he kinda fucks up on the emotional.

there’s a horrible irony in peter and eva being the people he cares about the most and both attempting suicide. with eva once she’s missing he immediately goes running off trying to look for her, and . ahh i can’t remember right off hand what exactly he thought happened. but ik he was probably expecting a fight. with peter he says that after that he’ll never let peter leave his side, at least “as far as his knife can fly”... it sounds cheesy but the one thing he can’t save anyone from is themself.

and god the way andrey bases his ENTIRE sense of self worth on peter fucking hurts. they’re not peter and andrey, the architects. they’re Peter And Andrey, The Architect. (thinking about “one architect, two brothers” here.) andrey thinks he’s larger than life and all but he’s constantly living in peter’s shadow. their theatre of death positions come to mind here, with peter standing up, looking down at andrey. but andrey is on his knees in front of peter, arms limp to his sides.... separated by a wooden beam...

peter’s side of this dynamic is fascinating too. his dependency on andrey is. ow. leaving all practical matters and decision making to him... there’s this resentment (That’s Fine I’ve Been Suffering For Ten Years Because Of Him) and lack of communication that especially shows through for him.

while in p2 andrey completely crumbles if peter dies, peter doesn’t seem to care...... at all....?? which hopefully is elaborated upon in p2. he’s willing to talk to aspity about worrying if andrey is angry with him but he can’t bring it up with andrey himself. when he asks how andrey is doing he stops and says andrey is a “tough man” and can handle anything. in general, while it’s definitely there for andrey, themes of dependency are really glaringly obvious for peter.

one of my favorite peter things i’ve talked about before is still his ego!!! peter has a gigantic ego!!! he really does think that even though he’s hit the ceiling and can’t go any further he is still “a true architect” and “the rock upon which is built the stairway to tomorrow”. he has a blunt edge to him and he doesn’t ever tell you more than he thinks he needs to which i love. if he doesn’t want to tell you something he isn’t gonna do it. this is a character trait i think ppl miss which is sad because it’s so good and adds another layer of depth to him!

it really does hurt me how he’s valued for his mind alone (AHEM AHEM AHEM. GEORGIY) but it’s the thing nobody understands about him. i’m nowhere near as smart as peter lol but i do know that pain of feeling like none of your ideas can be understood because you just can’t express them the way you’d like, and then feeling like you’ll never be able to make it happen.

also, here’s a little thing i’ve picked up on. this connection probably doesn’t exist but i’m making it because the stamatins make me lose my mind and start becoming one of those people who looks for connections in everything i guess. peter standing in the theatre of death, andrey below him. peter’s loft being at a high point in the town, the broken heart being underground. peter’s loft is also higher north on the map but the broken heart is lower south. just smth interesting

i have more thoughts on them of course! but this is all getting awfully long. i feel like i’ve only just gotten to the tip of the iceberg even though i’ve written so much skfjskfjs this just feels quite surface level or. at least what is surface level for me who thinks about the stamatins so hard.

anyways i’ll keep my answers to the other two parts of this question quick! peter and andrey’s more creative vs practical mindsets are rly neat. especially because i would actually argue peter is a little more grounded in reality in certain aspects. not all, but certain ones...... their take on the utopian ideology is interesting. hot take: peter’s version of utopianism leans a tad towards humility. and andrey /does/ feel “straightforward utopian” but i think in certain regards? this man has a bit of a termite streak..... (hi al if you’re reading this). but i won’t get into that right now i’ve already gone on so long. saving that for later.

i think all of the factions kinda suck in their own way sometimes, honestly? although all of them are well written and have their pros and cons. were i in pathologic and i had to choose one i’d probably be a termite but everyone around me seems to think i’m a utopian. is it bc i love peter so much

10. What would you be like as a Pathologic character?

this question is a hard one! i did make a self insert once, mile-a-minute, but they’ve become their own oc by now. i think i’d be very...... very afraid...... probably isolating myself why does every pathologic character break quarantine???? also you could trade beetles with me :) thats about all i’ve got sorry this is real short

11. What is something you would change, writing-wise, about either game?

UGH i’ve been gushing about pathologic because. obviously i love this game so much. but the way it handles racism & such (in both games!) leaves much to be desired :/

i see a lot of the points it’s trying to make but i think the way they’re handled can be very messy. there are moments that work very well but. a lot that don’t. (i am aware that dybowski writes partially from his own experiences)

all too often the game “validates” the kin’s oppression and... at times paints them as oddly antagonistic? i don’t like how often as artemy you’re able to be like “i’m not one of those beasts” and i think there are better ways to touch on his internalized racism. in general the constant comparisons to animals is weird. you get big vlad who is obviously explicitly racist comparing them to animals, but then sometimes it’s like “ACTUALLY calling them animals is fine :)”

i think the herb brides are kind of. Hm. in their portrayal. also using parts of the buryat alphabet to denote an accent is weird. making odongh and herb brides inhuman is weird. connecting the kin to Magic is weird.

and, listen, i’d really like to not be playing Artemy Burakh Experiences a Microaggression Simulator every time i’m playing the haruspex route. hate that you either can’t call ppl out on their shit or if you can it ends the conversation/bars you from getting necessary information. glad you at least get to drag the vlads, i guess?

i also was talking about this but wrt peter specifically, and this issue is present throughout the game but it’s especially visible with peter, i don’t like how often you can mock him for his addiction.

he’s obviously in an extremely rough patch! being able to be just so plain cruel to him about the dependency on alcohol (and iirc in p1 hallucinogens, bc aglaya mentions it) he’s formed to cope with his mental illness & trauma just feels bad. especially because yes it is not a healthy coping mechanism at all but... it still is a coping mechanism, if that makes sense?

the way you’re able to constantly rub it in his face feels awful. peter is fully aware that it isn’t good for him and shows a desire to quit. even if he didn’t it would still be awful to say because. it’s just insensitive. like you don’t just go up to someone and keep being like HEY YOU DRINK A LOT YOU SHOULD STOP DOING THAT DO YOU KNOW WHAT WATER IS? feels really bad to keep harping on something that causes him pain and that he struggles with every single day.

however peter does have moments where he tells you Not to say that, or if you pry into why he drinks he’ll outright say he doesn’t remember you being his friend, which is better than nothing.

in p1 moreso than p2 i hate how you can be like oh he’s craaaazy he’s off his rocker he’s delusional!!!! that “why, i never... an architect of schizophrenia!” comment sticks in my mind because it’s just... so genuinely mean. especially because if i remember correctly that line is from when he’s planning on LITERALLY FUCKING BURNING HIMSELF ALIVE

i think if they were going to have all of this they should have gone more in depth on how it’s really. not good that he’s treated so poorly. and i do believe that’s what they were going for, a la the art book w/ the whole “not to be made into a drunken clown, this is a tragic character”, etc. but it just doesn’t land. i’m holding out for the bachelor and changeling routes in p2 to see if they expand upon any of it but i highly doubt i’ll be satisfied in this regard.

i stand by the One time it was really fucking funny to clown on peter being the time you can tell him little girls eat raspberries and earthworms and he just believes you

#asks #patho #GODDDDDD #i hope you wanted to read an essay today

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stateofirrelevancy · 4 years

Text

CALM First Listen Impressions

I’ve been doing these since SGFG and imma keep doing it till the day i die!!

Red Desert - OOF harmonies okay I see you !! Intro is hella soulful don’t tell me I’m about to cry ALREADY guys… okay that bass in the bg is thicccc and I’m living for it OOF AND THEN THE CHORUS HITS AND THOSE DRUMS BITCH THIS SONG IS SO GOOD ON JUST THE FIRST LISTEN Y’ALL AHHHHH and then that TRANSITION from chorus to second verse my mans ashton did not disappoint !! Guys I’m really feeling this song holy shit it’s so good. Bitch this RED in the bridge is rly TEASING ME like bitch KEEP GOING!!!!!!!!!! Low key this song sounds like it’s 90% saying “red desert” over and over but I’m not complaining issa bop and a half !!! AHHH THAT ENDING AND THEY REALLY WENT TO A LOWER NOTE THAT WAS SO GOOD if that ain’t my fave song on the album i’ll be hella shook. Rating: 10/10 obviously

No Shame - I’ve liked this song since the very first time I heard it it’s actually such a bop. I can’t wait to drive around with this song blasting in my car. I LOVE when Luke says “Go on and plaAaAaAce me” it’s so pretty!!! Rating: 9/10 I just wish the bridge had something different I’m not a big fan of sos ALWAYS doing slowed down choruses for bridges and once you notice it it’s hard to stop lol

Old Me - I wasn’t a huge fan of this song the first time I heard it and genuinely didn’t think it’d grow on me AT ALL, but even after the second listen I really liked it, and I’ve really come to appreciate, like, the fan service message behind it? And that music video just made me love it more. The thing I didn’t like initially and still am not a huge fan of is how autotune-y the song sounds. I know everyone uses autotune, but imo it’s way too noticeable in the song to the point where it sounds a little unpleasant once you catch it. Rating: 8/10

Easier - Okay to be honest, I hate this song LMAO like one time I was crying in the shower while I was listening to my music on shuffle and this song came on and I literally stopped crying to change the song and then went back to crying daskjfkaljl Honestly the verses are really catchy and I like the prechorus but god I DETEST the chorus so fucking much it’s so fucking annoying and that’s low key like most of the song,,, I don’t even wanna finish the song but imma force myself to lmaooooo Rating: 3/10

Teeth - I love the bass at the beginning I’m such a slut for thicccc basses. I also like how crisp? Luke’s voice sound initially idk if that’s like a weird thing to say lol. I also hate the chorus here but not as much as Easier and the other parts of the song def make up for it. Rating: 6.5/10

Wildflower - This song was also like Old Me to me where I didn’t really love it at first but really liked it the second time. It’s definitely not gonna be a favorite of the album or a song I’m probs gonna remember forever but I bet it’s gonna be a BOP at concerts which is always appreciated. PLUS I love that Calum is singing he has a very unique voice I think. Also side note I justopened the livestream and it’s a hot mess lmaooo Ash rly fucking fucked up and needed to move it onto Cal lmaoo here I thought I was in sync with everyone smh. Rating: 7.5/10 with room to grow with more listens i’m assuming

Best Years - Anyways moving on from the livestream mess from these kids who don’t know technology,,, oof first impressions: sounds like same vibes as ghost of you?? I love the line “I’ll build a house out of the mess” or whatever. The part where he sings “best yeeaaarrs” is uhhh kinda weird? I thought that when Luke sang this on live but I thought it might sound better on the track but lmao nah I still think it sounds awkward tbh. But the verses are cute. Oof that instrumental was so long I legit stopped paying attention dafkdasjlk OOF OOF OOF THAT PART WHEN THE INSTRUMENTS KICKED IN okay I live for that. Song is kinda short so it gives me vibes of Lie To Me + Ghost Of You in terms of vibe (not lyrics). Rating: 6/10

Side note: I open the stream and they’re?? Just talking abt the album???? What happened to group listen lmaoo okay I guess gotta do everything in isolation around here smh

Not in the Same Way - woah okay start right away I guess !! “You say go I won’t leave” oof I don’t like that lyric cause a bitch has dealt with it and it’s terrible!! Omg when they said “NOT IN THE SAME WAY” in unison I legit live for the boys singing in unison okay OMG WE FUCK WE FIGHT AFDKAKLDJKL he really just gets more blatant every album w these swears huh fdskjkl OOF THAT DRUM BUILD UP SOUNDED SO GOOD Okay this is def a song to bop to live I can’t wait !! “I’m sick of sadness you’re sick of sadness” oof these lyrics bitch…. okay this song is kinda repetitive which is making me kinda tired BUT it’s not the worst thing and I like the parts that they’re repeating i guess LOL oh WOAH that “eh eh ehh” part is kinda interesting OMG IS THAT AN ORIGINAL BRIDGE/THIRD VERSE? From *MY* 5sos?????????? OKAY I SEE YOU,,, Okay the repetitiveness is kinda rly annoying now but it’s okay I still enjoy the song for now but can see myself maybe not listening to this song much later bc of it (Rating: 7/10)

Lover of Mine - Okay acoustic song of the album icu icu “Butterfly lies chase them away” interesting I like that “dance around the living room” 👀 oof this pre-chorus is really good I’m such a slut for good prechoruses !! Luke’s voice sounds so soothing and smooth but the drums in the background in the second half are a little? Much? I don’t know maybe they’ll grow on me… I really like the lyrics of this song, I didn’t focus completely on everything but,, dare I say,,,, it might be some of their strongest writing yet??!? Omg I love love love these instrumentals near the end esp the piano sounds so beautiful and kind of reminded me of the interlude after San Francisco. Overall I think this song was honestly very beautiful. Rating: 8/10

Thin White Lies - more bass yessss it sounds so good,, are these lyrics about depression? Ehhh not feeling this chorus at all, too much going on and it’s just not a bop and that’s my only criteria for liking songs lmaoo. This song is giving me Empty Wallets + Babylon vibes kind of? Which isn’t rly my favorite vibe in songs tbh it’s just not for me, I don’t think it’s a bad song, though. “I don’t really like me anymore” :((((( mood Rating: 6/10

Lonely Heart - That one two three was so hot ngl,,, ANOTHER acoustic song?? Okay okay interesting. WOAH WHEN THEY CAME IN together god I love that and this OH OH OH part sooo catchy yesss okay also smth I’ve noticed 5sos doing a lot: quiet beginning (or quiet verses) and loud/bop-y choruses… that’s like half the album look me in the eyes and tell me I’m wrong !! It’s the equivalent of YB being mostly normal guitar verses and then instrumental pre-choruses lmao at least this I like a lot more WOAH THAT BRIDGE???????? WHO IS SINGING THAT IS THAT MICHAEL? I literally don’t recognize whose voice that is has it been that long since I heard his voice am I tripping?? But either way that was really cool. The song overall was pretty? Plain but not at all bad and it’ll definitely grow on me with more listens. Rating: 7/10

High - last song im so sad ahhh oof that sound it sounded like Michael? And it was umm very ear orgasmic lmao weird to put two songs that start like that one after the other tho but whatever. Woah the way Luke sang “highly” was so angelic !!! This is very acoustic-y too, but it seems like it’s truly mostly the same vibe throughout. Oof Calum’s harmonies sound so good. I also like the background “Ah”s this song sounds very angelic and pretty. I really like the way he sings the lyrics like “I hope you think of me high… think of me highly” and the part after that kind of mirrors that line. Not a huge fan of the lyric saying your friends just want you to yourself oof friends don’t like imma be honest that line was kinda cringy lmaoo But this song was very pretty, though honestly I doubt I’ll listen to it much or remember it just cause slow songs aren’t my cup of tea, but I can really appreciate the song for what it is and it was enjoyable to listen to. Rating: 8/10

Unrelated: I like that the album isn’t crazy long like every other album of theirs. I much prefer concentrating on 12 great songs than making 16-20 and then inevitably them hating/ignoring a few of them cause they’re like,, way worse than the rest of the album

Average rating: Okay technically 7.1/10 BUT if you take out Easier, then it’s a solid 7.5/10

I liked a lot of the songs and I’m sure I’ll like them even more with more listens, but the only ones I really LOVED were Red Desert and No Shame. It’s honestly a fantastic album, I just don’t think it fits my personal vibe. I’m very proud of the boys!! I really think it’s some of their best work. (Besides Easier,,, she can choke 💀💀)

#also idk music terms so if any were wrong pls dont come for me lol #forgot to mention this but i like the album a lot better than yb #i'd rate them sgfg > calm > yb > self titled #calm #5sos #5 seconds of summer #5sos thoughts

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loseyoutoloveme · 4 years

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can you do a rundown/review of every song on folklore like you've done for selena? and what your current top 5 are??

considering this is officially one of my top 3 favourite albums ever i’m v happy to 😌! warning, absolutely every single song will be ranked 10/10

thank for wanting to know my thoughts :( i can’t believe anybody would volunteer to read this JDNSKSDJKDS

first of all, my top 5 is probbbbably gonna change (maybe not tho bc my lover top 5 hasn’t really changed a lot), but for now, i think it’s: august > seven > mad woman > illicit affairs > mirrorball

THE 1:

ngl my very first thought was that it reminded me of same love by macklemore skdjdskjdskjsd but not in a bad way!

literally some of the prettiest lyrics, i knew just from this song that this would top red as her best lyrically (best album in general)

honestly just rly sad and sweet and one of those songs that has such a universal sound i feel?

also the simplest song of the album lyrically (also not in a bad way, just like objectively this is the easiest subject matter on the album with the least opaque lyrics), so a really good opener

best lyrics: “we never painted by the numbers baby but we were making it count/you know the greatest loves of all time are over now” and “we were something don’t you think so/roaring twenties tossing pennies in the pool/and it my wishes came true it would’ve been you”

a cute girl, 10/10

CARDIGAN:

i was surprised by the darkish sound of this one

idk what that like clanking sound in the background is but i find it a lil distracting in the first half of the song - but if i ever find out what it is and it has some symbolic meaning/purpose for being there (i assume it does) i’ll accept it sdjknsd

i love the nostalgia that is so present in like almost every song on this album :(

also the music video is stunning and frames the entire album in the most interesting way, metaphor-wise

best lyrics: “i knew you’d linger like a tattoo kiss/knew you’d haunt all of my what-ifs/the smell of smoke would hang around this long/cause i knew everything when i was young/i knew i’d curse you for the longest time/chasin’ shadows in the grocery line/i knew you’d miss me when the thrill expired/and you’d be standing in my front porch light/and i knew you’d come back to me”

10/10

THE LAST GREAT AMERICAN DYNASTY:

love this one bc it’s like a nice lil exhale in an album filled with angst, like it’s cute and boppy without being aggressive

i’m suddenly absolutely obsessed with rebekah harkness, particularly the “bitch pack” thing and her dyeing someone’s dog green

i love taylor’s storytelling and i love how that’s always been a big part of her approach to songwriting. this is taylor at her best narration, like starlight but so much better. this is a type of songwriting that is so underused these days, esp by mainstream artists and i love so much that she has always used it and been so invested in it

the pronoun change made me screech. sooo goooood

taylor’s obv a deeply autobiographical artist which is why it’s so incredible to hear her tell OTHER people’s stories and somehow make them so her own. like i think it’s mostly the english major in me that just gets so emotional over that...... the way that other people’s stories became our own through the way we tell them......

this song is def the one that is most explicit about the album’s theme of telling stories but ones that tell something about her (and about her listeners too), by switching to personal pronouns at the end. it sets up a pattern for the rest of the album, where each song is about one thing (the actual story she’s telling) but also about a bunch of other things.

a good example of why she’s the greatest songwriter of this generation

best lyrics: “there goes the maddest woman this town has ever seen/she had a marvelous time ruining everything”

10/10

EXILE:

bon iver’s voice was a full shock to the system the first time i listened and idk why sdkjnds it is just so deep and i was not at all expecting it esp after the cuteness of tlgad

anyway these lyrics are GORGEOUS

i love a duet where the 2 singers’ lyrics are meant to be directed at each other. is there a word for that type of duet idk but it always makes a duet infinitely better

the miscommunication exemplified in the bridge...... chef’s kiss heartbreaking

out of all the songs this is the one that makes me feel the most like i am in the middle of a forest in winter. i can already picture myself listening to this song in december with the sound of a crackling fire in the background mmmmmmmm my exact vibe

best lyrics: “you’re not my homeland anymore/so who am i defending now?/you were my town, now i’m in exile seeing you out” and “i’m not your problem anymore/so who am i offending now?”

10/10

MY TEARS RICOCHET:

this chorus BRRROOOOKE ME

writing songs presumably about the masters situation and framing them as breakup songs was absolutely galaxy brain

i feel like the image of tears ricocheting has like a million layers to it and is just suuuuch a smart metaphor

also just such a visually rich song ? so is every song on the album but the metaphors of this song are all just so visual

best lyrics: “i didn’t have it in myself to go with grace/and you’re the hero flying around saving face/and if i’m dead to you why are you at the wake?” and “i can go anywhere i want/anywhere i want, just not home”

10/10

MIRRORBALL:

ok so i did like this one on first listen, i loved absolutely everything on first listen, but it didn’t hit my top 5 until like 8 listens later, so it’s def a big grower and i think could be a huge fan fav by next year

the self-awareness in her writing will never fail to amaze me

the way that life is just performing...... yeah

but it’s crazy to me that a person could be like “i’m a compulsive people pleaser and performer and i’ll do anything to get ppl to like me” and that leads to “i am a disco ball” like ???? her brain is so big. it’s such a gorgeous metaphor.... and the circus imagery AHHHHH

best lyrics: “i’m still on that tightrope/i’m still trying everything to get you laughing at me/i’m still a believer but i don’t know why/i’ve never been a natural, all i do is try try try/i’m still on that trapeze/i’m still trying everything to keep you looking at me” and “i can change everything about me to fit in”

10000/10

SEVEN:

this one simply rips my heart out

at first i was like oh this is so weird and then the chorus just would not leave my head

for me personally, nostalgia is literally 90% of my personality and just for so many personal reasons the thought of childhood ending and all of the growing pains that come along with that have been at the forefront of my psyche for the past year. so it just kills me whenever i find a song like this one and it kills me that taylor specifically has several songs about this topic and this is 100000% the best of them all. like it’s the most beautiful experience to have your thoughts and feelings and fears expressed so perfectly by a total stranger, and that’s rly what art is about and i love taylor for doing that for me and millions of other people

i just feel like this song brings up so many vivid beautiful memories of childhood for so many people, like being outside in the summer and screaming and being free. ugh

the pause after “i hit my peak at seven” before completing the phrase........ OOOOOOOOOF IT HITS TOO HARD

and sound-wise, just so off-beat and cool and unique

best lyrics: “i hit my peek at seven/feet in the swing across the creek” and “are there still beautiful things?” and “love you to the moon and to saturn/passed down like folk songs/the love lasts so long” and “before i learned civility/i used to scream ferociously/any time i wanted”

100000000000/10

AUGUST:

i knew immediately that this would be my favourite tbh like i could sense it the second it began

i wrote my first impression thoughts in my journal and you can tell the exact moment i got to the bridge bc i just started screaming sdnjksdkjsdn

i would 100% get a tattoo that said “to live for the hope of it all”

everything about this song is LITERALLY flawless like i have.......no notes......no thoughts.......it’s just an absolutely perfect song

best lyrics: “back when we were still changing for the better/wanting for was enough/for me it was enough/to live for the hope of it all" and “august sipped away like a bottle of wine/cause you were never mine”

100000000000000000000000000/10

THIS IS ME TRYING:

this song is rly good but i keep forgetting it exists omg :/ once i learn all of the lyrics i’ll appreciate her more

the strings are gorgeous

i was rly surprised that this one was done with jack instead of aaron just bc the bridge of this sounds SOOOO the national

these lyrics could be interpreted in so many different ways depending on the listener’s experiences and that’s beautiful

best lyrics: “i was so ahead of the curve/the curve became a sphere/fell behind all my classmates and i ended up here” and “it’s hard to be at a party when i feel like an open wound/it’s hard to be anywhere these days when all i want is you/you’re a flashback in a film reel on the one screen in my town”

10/10

ILLICIT AFFAIRS:

that soft high note on “down,” “stop,” etc is sooooo nice

i don’t have many thoughts on it, it’s just so soft, SOOOOOO gorgeous instrumentally and lyrically

best lyrics: “it’s born from just one single glance/but it dies and it dies and it dies/a million little times” and “don’t call me kid, don’t call me baby/look at this godforsaken mess that you made me/you showed me colours you know i can’t see with anyone else” and “you taught me a secret language i can’t speak with anyone else/and you know damn well/for you i would ruin myself/a million little times”

100000/10

INVISIBLE STRING:

like i said about tlgad, this is a nice little break from all the angst and pain and anger sdnjksdnskjsd just a sweet little break to remind u there are good things in the world too. so placed really well in the tracklist imo

super super super super cute chorus

so many pretty melodies

absolutely an autumn song btw

best lyrics: “time, mystical time/cutting me open, then healing me fine”

10/10

MAD WOMAN:

i literally lost my mind listening to this for the first time

i have such a thing for scorned women anthems like i will immediately love it whatever it is

the pure rage when she says “cause you took everything from me” gives me full body chills

it is just so eerie and haunting and perfect

best lyrics: “women like hunting witches too/doing your dirtiest work for you/it’s obvious that wanting me dead/has really brought you two together” and “every time you call me crazy i get more crazy/what about that?” and “good wives always know/she should be mad, should be scathing like me/but no one like a man woman”

1000000/10

EPIPHANY:

i find this one so hard to listen to but it’s absolutely beautiful and devastating and so heavily relevant for i think the whole world rn

the heart monitor and the trumpets tying both of the topics in together is so genius and so heartbreaking

i think will be the sygb of folklore where it makes everybody cry so much that it becomes a skip despite being a beautiful song

best lyrics: “something med school did not cover/someone’s daughter, someone’s mother” and “some things you just can’t speak about”

10/10

BETTY:

first of all THE HARMONICA

this made me so happy bc it’s just so debut and so fearless and it made me SOOOOO nostalgic on my first listen, because it really felt to me like i was getting to listen to a song from debut or fearless for the very first time again

it’s just so sweet and cute and simple and yet another very self-aware moment of looking back to her past material/subject matter

best lyrics: “would you have me? would you want me?/would you tell me to go fuck myself/or lead me to the garden?” and “i’m only seventeen, i don’t know anything/but i know i miss you”

10/10

PEACE:

the bass at the beginning is soooooo nice

this miiiiiight be the strongest song on the album lyrics-wise but idk yet

not much to say, it’s just so gorgeous

best lyrics: “i’m a fire and i’ll keep your brittle heart warm/if your cascade ocean wave blues come/all these people think love’s for show/but i would die for you in secret” and “would it be enough if i could never give you peace?” and “i talk shit with my friends, it’s like i’m wasting your honour”

10/10

HOAX:

i have a feeling this one will be underrated/underappreciated bc it’s just simple and dark and the last song, but this is....... a lyrical masterpiece

i feel like i need to be playing this on vinyl with all of the lights off and just a candle burning yknow, like there’s just something so dark and ancient about it

best lyrics: “my winless fight/this has frozen my ground” and “your faithless love’s the only hoax i believe in/don’t want no other shade of blue but you/no other sadness in the world would do” and “you knew it still hurt underneath my scars/from when they pulled me apart/but what you did was just as dark/darling this was just as hard”

10/10

OVERALL: 10000000000/10 literally one of the best albums i have ever heard and (while i wouldn’t put it past her to top it) absolutely the best work of her career. so complex and layered and emotional and painful and genuine and different. not to get ahead of myself but this is/should be considered her blue, her rumours, her abbey road....... god. can’t wait to listen to this album for the rest of my life and play it for my future children and just watch it live on as the greatest work of one of the most important artists of the 21st century

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rogueshipagogo · 4 years

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ppl have been asking me my opinions on space channel 5 vr... and i guess since i bought a vr headset off craigslist just so i could play it and speedrun it before work the day it came out... i should talk abt it now... i dont rly think i’ll be able to separate it into ‘good’ and ‘bad’ things i think i’m just going to do a rambly stream of consciousness bc i have a headache... but i DO have good things to say abt this game... so st.... sta stay t tune d

right off the bat, the thing i appreciate most abt this game- i like that space channel 5 vr doesnt have cash grab vibes. i Do genuinely believe that they Wanted to make this game For the people who are still obsessed with it, and that they ultimately did what they set out to do when they intended to scale certain aspects of the series up conceptually to match the way the fandom perceives it nowadays. but like i’ve said before... i’m not going to Disagree with the very common conclusion that it Needed to be longer, or at Least more intricate plot-wise. one of my fun and fresh excuses for sc5vr being as short as it is is because you arent really supposed to be playing vr games for too long anyways, its really disorienting and kinda painful, but even that doesn’t account for why so much of the game that we got is a rehash of old settings, concepts, songs, and characters. [i dont even have a problem with reusing old songs, i just think the ones they chose ended up being misleading]

for example i think it makes sense that the first report is a remake of the first games first report on the surface, it’s meant to take you back to the way the first game felt and give you an idea of what it means that the games classic scenery can be rendered in actual high quality detail now [same with the recurrence of events like encountering the space pirates in the asteroid belt/the last battle against a villain being singing to it about what it’s done wrong], but i really thought, like, report 1 was going to end up being a simulated scenario for the benefit of lou and kee’s training... which i dont think ended up being the case??? i think they really did write ‘ok here you are in the first game’s setting again, fighting the old enemies again, because... :^) ok have fun playing report 2!’

and then whats report 2... you fight another old boss from the first game... but theres Still no clear villain or motivation for anything thats happening... and there wont be until like... basically the end of the game...

like, glitter is a really cute character, but its kind of underwhelming that shes just a random citizen who was kidnapped by an entity that we NEVER LEARN ANYTHING ABOUT... like part 1 was extremely notable for being about corporate greed and corruption, part 2 honestly wasnt that political in comparison but at least made you do a think wrt purge’s motivation and his methods, and this game just has a plot device that feels like it’ll do smth but then ends up not doing anything beyond what we already learned about it from the information on its character bio before the game was out. if it turns out that cell x is actually relevant again in a future entry in the franchise and they do have a more developed concept for what cell x Is in mind, i’ll do an entire backflip, but for now its just chalked up to being the result of More Space Hijinks that dont need to be explained

ESPECIALLY WITH ALL OF THE ALLUSIONS TO CELL X BEING AN ENTITY THAT FEEDS OFF OF DANCE ENERGY... it had me thinking that there would have to be some New Method of fighting it off that didn’t just lend it more power in the process, but nah apparently just tacking on the disclaimer ‘*this dance energy is not for glitter’ is enough to turn it from smth it can consume for power into big attacks you can use to kill it... like honestly it sounds like im asking for a lot from a game that has Never made too much sense, but considering that in part 2 they could add details like ‘oh didnt you know purge can open pocket dimensions? ulala is capable of manifesting tangible dance energy and the only other person who can do that is purge???’, its not like they havent come up with weird new shit for dance energy to do within the plot before. they just didnt do it in this game fsr

like did anyone else think that cell x/glitter was going to be the result of tossing purge out into deep space and him encountering the sc5 universe’s equivalent of an eldritch alien creature, smth more bestial than morolians?? even if purge wasnt part of it, when you say ‘uh oh, this guy Eats this society’s only source of energy!!!’ i expect the stakes to get HIGH, and i want the ramifications of it to be kinda STARTLING, because blank wanted money and purge wanted to ritualistically end the world but something this near to an ecological disaster that would force an entire paradigm shift hasn’t occurred yet in the series?? its totally new!!! there’s a lot they could do with this but OH DONT WORRY ABOUT IT EVERYONE ulala knows how to make dance energy kill cell x instead of feed it she’s got this we’re good no need to investigate more into all that

i can’t explain why the game is like this. and i dont expect grounding to address it in any meaningful way either. i’m sure they’re Aware of these complaints by now- the game reviewing community has Not been kind to sc5vr specifically due to all of these shortcomings [i didnt even touch on the issues with motion sensing and how many of the games mechanics were removed in favor of smth presumably easier to program yet much less satisfying, like Secret Moves just being mini quicktime events and Turning Your Ratings Into Stars just being replaced with the standard Three Strikes You’re Out method of scoring], but the pr team still seems very enthusiastic abt the game and is still promising dlc and potentially even more games in the series after this one- heres hoping that they’ll at least take these grievances to heart and consider making the experience not only more accessible [aka it will... go back to being a rhythm game with controller input.... and not... an exclusive vr experience...], but also as immersive and detailed as the old games, with less reused plot beats. i can let some of it off the hook in this game simply because i’m aware that it began its life as a tech demo that was only supposed to be that initial first report from the first game But Happening All Around You!, but i Really dont think they could get away with doing this little to expand upon the groundwork set by the first two games again. not with the way people remember part 2 being such a vast upgrade from part 1... the bar had been set so high that this just felt like a huge backslide into something even sillier and harder to take seriously than part 1 before we had any idea what kind of staying power the franchise would have as a hallmark of sega’s quirky antics. like... this game is what i think space channel 5 looks like to people who don’t understand the appeal of the first two games. and that scares me

but i guess for the most part, aside from wishing they had done more to revitalize the setting and the lore of the sc5 universe itself, im kind of glad it didnt do a lot to change the existing storylines the characters have kinda forged for themselves- here i was stressing out that they would pull out some plot development that would utterly and drastically change the way we talked abt the series for the rest of time, but so little happened and so little was added to the bank of sc5 lore that we can kind of all just carry on as usual and keep having the same headcanons we always had.

BUT!!! there ARE a lot of cute little details here and there that make the experience feel wholesome and like i said not an utter cashgrab- like so many of the character profiles referencing previous games [all of the references to npcs in this game being relatives of the npcs of the last games made me lose it] and how often ulala changes her expressions up and looks right at you and talks to you. the new music they wrote for the game also all slaps and everyones redesigns [if they got a redesign... rip pudding] are stunning

one of the most important things they did in this game was give a nice sort of Update to every character.... for example explaining that ulala isn’t a rookie reporter any more like she was in the first 2 games, that she’s moved up to being in charge of training new channel 5 reporters, and that while pudding is still somewhat stuck on her rivalry with ulala her career isn’t stagnant either, she was just cast in a romcom series as the lead... which is really nice considering how in the past she was portrayed as somewhat of a loser with almost no remaining fans left from her idol years

and you knew i was going to bring up jaguar at some point HES ALL OVER THIS GAME AND IT LITERALLY MADE ME FEEL LIKE MY LIFE WAS WORTH POWERING THROUGH THESE LAST FEW YEARS AND ALSO LIKE IM A GENIUS FOR SPENDING SO LONG POSTING EVERY SINGLE DAY ‘NO REALLY, HE’S THE SECONDARY PROTAGONIST OF THE STORY, ITS ABOUT CHANNEL 5 AS A COMPANY AND THEIR IMPACT ON EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER ENCOUNTERED THEM AND THAT INCLUDES JAGUAR AS WELL AS ULALA HES INTEGRAL TO THE PLOT BC SHE WOULDNT BE ALIVE IF IT WEREN’T FOR HIM’ i feel like it’s really incredible how in this game he has genuinely nice energy and doesnt withhold praise from ulala just to be helpful in a mysterious way later and he like HAS FRIENDS now. like consider how he went from disgraced former ch5 employee who got mad every time he saw them, to kidnapped robot henchman kinda humbled by the fact that now the turns tabled and ulala had to rescue Him, and now 3 years later his bio is all about how he has a new tv show thats super popular and he has a new entourage of ladies who he considers his '’’’’’comrades’’’’’’’ within the station he founded??? AND AFTER 20 YEARS THEY WERE FINALLY ABLE TO GIVE HIS MODEL JUICY ASS CHEEKS??????????????? NO MORE PANCAKE BOOTY???? THE BOY HAD A GLOWUP AND NO I WONT STOP TALKING ABOUT IT

WHEN I SAY MEOW MATCH THE POSE MOTHERFUCKERS THIS BLONDE BASTARD GETS TO BE IN CHARGE OF THE HUNDRED STAGE BATTLE NOW TOO THIS IS THE YEAR OF THE SPACE PIRATES BAYBEE

#its almost 4 am. idk i will probably have more to say tomorrow. my head still hurts #the galaxy depends on my funky moves

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0pretty-setters-squad0 · 4 years

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Skirts (F+S) Suga x Reader

Ok I am a fucking SIMP for Suga in a skirt/dress so I had to write this. Someone (you know who you are) sent me a vid that actually inspired me to write this. If you guys wanna see the vid (it's the Haikyuu boys in skirts and dresses) lmk and I'll put it on my insta for you guys to see lol. So anyways let's get on with the story. Also, this is aged up, so y'all are in college and have your own apartment and such. Suga is gettin fucked in this one boiiiis. OH BEFORE I FORGET, I do realize that when people have anal sex and such, they have proper cleaning they do and such, but I don't know enough to write that in detail, so let's assume Suga is a smart boi and took care of that beforehand. Also WOW TWO UPDAES IN A ROW!! WHAT?

"Hey Y/N," your boyfriend since the two of you were first years in high school hollered to you from the kitchen, where he was grabbing a bottle of water. "Yeah?" you replied as he entered the living room where you were. He looked nervous. "Can I- uh- can we talk about something?" he stopped in the doorway.

"Of course, Kou, come sit down," you reassured the man standing across the room. Suga moved to sit down next to you on the couch. He sat his water on the coffee table and turned to sit crisscross on the couch, facing you. You mirrored his actions, crossing your own legs, now facing him. "What's wrong sweetheart?" you asked, worried about your boyfriend. He hardly acted THIS timid, even when he was nervous about something. "Well, we've been together for a while, and I just wanted to come clean about something I've kinda been hiding," he seemed like he was trying to avoid eye contact. "Koushi, I love you so much, and we've been together since we were 16, you can tell me anything. I won't be upset or judge you," you reached a hand out to lift his face toward you, pressing a gentle kiss to his cheek. "Promise?" "I promise." "Okay, but don't interrupt me until I'm done explaining, or else I may not get out everything I need to say." "I won't, but you're scaring me." You had no clue what he was about to say, and you were really worried about him. Suga took a deep breath before beginning to explain what he had to tell you. "Well, Y/N I'm rly not sure how to say this," he let out a nervous chuckle, now looking at his lap again, "I really like skirts." You looked at him with a raised eyebrow, not really knowing what he meant. Did he want you to dress up in like a schoolgirl outfit with a skirt or something? "I like wearing them. I was just always afraid to tell you because I thought you'd think I wasn't manly enough or you'd leave me. I just didn't want you to look down on me because I love you and I need you in my life." After realizing he was now done talking, you began to speak. "Kou, is that all? Sweetheart, I don't care what you wear, you're my boyfriend and I love you so, so much. I don't care if you wear skirts or pants or anything else, you're mine. You could walk around wearing a fucking hoodie as pants. And you know what? If you don't wanna be manly, then fuck it. Even though skirts don't make you any less of a man. Or maybe sometimes you wanna be manly, and other times you wanna be feminine. Either way, I'm completely fine with it," you crawled to sit on his lap. "Wait, what? Really?" "Really," you leaned in to give him a few sweet kisses on the lips, "In fact you know what I think?" "What do you think?" "I think I should take my boyfriend to go buy some skirts," you smiled brightly at the man sitting below you. "Y- yeah, sure, that sounds good. When do you wanna go?" Suga seemed surprised that you were fine with this. "Right now, c'mon let's go," you took his hand, dragging him up from the couch. The stores weren't too far from the apartment, so you decided to walk. As you started walking, you came up with a question for your boyfriend. "Hey sweetheart, can I ask you a question?" you leaned your head on his shoulder as the two of you strolled hand in hand. "Of course you can," he pressed a kiss to your head. "Can I ask why you like skirts?" "Well, for one I really like the way it feels. Feels free in a way. And it also allows you to uh-" he mumbled the last part, and you didn't hear him. "What was that last part? I didn't quite catch it," you questioned the taller male. "I said that it allowed you to fuck me," he spoke with a quiet voice, so nobody else could hear. "Oh? Are you not quite as vanilla as I thought?" you smirked at him and he blushed. "Oh shush," he spoke, still blushing. "Well, it looks like we have to go to a store other than the clothing store," you smirked again. "Y/N we don't have to, I don't wanna make you do that. It's probably really weird to you." "I actually think it's kinda hot," you were leaning to whisper in his ear, "Plus I wanna make sure you feel good." "God, I love you so much," he stopped in his tracks to pull you into a few small kisses. "I told you, you can tell me anything. I mean, you thought I'd be against he skirts and fucking you, but here we are, and I'm getting worked up." The two of you began walking again, chatting about whatever came to mind. It seemed like no time had passed as you reached your first stop, the clothing store. "Well, here we are. Let's go get you some skirts," you smiled brightly at the former setter. You walked into the store, still holding hands. The two of you made your way to where some skirts were. You looked at Suga again, trying to see how he was doing. "See anything you like?" you asked the male next to you. "I- well, that black one over there looks cute," he spoke softly, as if he was ashamed. There was no way you were letting him get away with being ashamed of who he was. You pulled him to look at the skirt he had pointed out, finding one that looked like it would fit him. "Do you wanna look for some more and then maybe try them on?" you questioned softly, wanting to make sure he was comfortable still. "Sure," he gave you a small smile, finally giving in. In the end, he picked out a black skirt, a pastel pink skirt, a navy blue skirt, and a grey skirt. He decided not to try it on here, he was still embarrassed. You reminded him that if he tried them on and didn't like them, you guys could always return them later. After an odd conversation with the cashier, the two of you were off to the next stop before home. The "toy" store. Adult toys that is. "Are you okay?" you squeezed his hand slightly as you neared the store. "Yeah, I'm just still not over the fact that you're okay with this," he chuckled. ~Time Skip to back at home in order to respect the privacy in those in the adult store~ "Go sit on the couch that way I can try on the skirts," Suga kissed you as he began walking into the bedroom to change. "Alright," you smiled, moving to sit on the couch. When Suga walked out of the bedroom and moved to stand in front of you, you would've sworn in a fucking court of law that you had died and gone to your happy place. The way the grey cloth sat on his smooth skin. He wore no shirt, just the skirt covering his most intimate areas. "Koushi, you look," you were at a loss of words. "Oh god, I look stupid don't I?" Suga began to turn to walk away. You shot up from your seat and grabbed his hand. "Kou, sweetheart, you look amazing," you ran your hands up and down his hips, feeling the material under your roaming fingers. Suga blushed at your words and actions, "Really? You think so?" "I do," you brought your lips to his, setting a slow pace as your lips moved against each other. Your hands stayed on his hips, and his hands were on your jaw, holding your head as you kissed. You pulled away before looking him up and down again. You let out a content sigh. "Fuck, I have the absolute best boyfriend," you just stared into his eyes. "Yeah? Well I just so happen to have the best girlfriend." "Really? She seems cool, you should tell me about her sometime," you joked with him. "Oh shut it, Y/N, just take me to the bedroom already," Suga said, rushing you. "Well, somebody's excited," you giggled, "I wanna take my time, Kou." "Please Y/N, I just want you already," he continued to beg, which, you had to admit, was very sexy coming from him. With a strength he didn't know you had, you scooped him up bridal style, carrying him off to your bedroom. "Y/N, where in the world did that come from?" "What do you mean?" "You just picked me up like it was nothing." "Sweetheart, I've helped you train since we were first years, you can't seriously think I didn't gain any muscle at all," you laughed lightly, dropping him onto the bed gently. "Well, I guess your smooth skin hides the muscle a little too well," he giggled up at you. No matter how long the two of you had been together, you would never get used to how that giggle made you feel. It was like a damn angel. "Why are you looking at me like that?" Suga looked up at you with a quirked brow. "You're just really cute," you shrugged before moving to hover above your lovely boyfriend. "Well, you're cute too, now that that's out of the way, please just fuck me already." "Sugawara Koushi! And here I was thinking you were innocent!" you exclaimed with mock surprise. Suga brought his hands up around the back of your neck, pulling your ear to his mouth. He placed a few kisses along your jaw before whispering in your ear seductively. "I think we both know that isn't true." "Dear god, you are going to be the death of me, Kou." You stood up off the bed to remove your shirt and pants, leaving you in a matching bra and pantie set. They were a soft grey color, almost like Suga's hair. After removing your clothes, you hovered over Suga again, placing small, wet kisses along his exposed shoulders and collar bones. The next time you pulled back to look at the male underneath you, you really took in how it all really looked. His soft hair spread against the lavender sheets of your shared bed, the way he was a panting mess already, anticipating what was to come. You definitely didn't fail to notice the fact that Suga looked downright sinful in that damn skirt. "Y/N, stop staring and touch me, please," Suga whined, trying to gain friction by bucking his hips up. "Anything for you, Kou." You let your hands slowly run down the front of his torso, hands flat against the expanse of smooth skin. You then reached the waistband of the skirt, but you let your hands go lower. You brought your hands to the bottom hem of the skirt, moving your way to go underneath the cloth. "No underwear? Really Kou? All this for me huh? I can't say I don't like it," you leaned forward to let your mouth nip and suck at Suga's chest while your hand moved closer and closer to wear he needed you most. When you finally allowed your hand to wrap around Suga's hardened length, he let out a high pitched keen, his hips bucking into your hands. "That feel good?" you stop your kissing on Suga's chest to ask. "Y-yes, so good, Y/N, please more." "Are you ready for my fingers Kou? Is that what you mean?" you said, voice completely clear of any teasing. You had to make sure he was ready. "Yes, please, fuck me with your fingers," Suga moaned out. You moved to the bag that held the supplies you had bought and reached for the lube, also pulling out the strap on you had bought. You got everything out of the packaging that way it would be easier later. After getting that open and such, you moved back over to the bed where a needy Suga waited. You squeezed some lube out onto your fingers, before positioning them at Suga's hole. "Are you ready?" you would ask the question a million times just to make sure he was comfortable with what was happening. "God, yes," Suga moaned out, "You act like I've never done this before." A small laugh left his throat. One thing you loved about Koushi was his willingness to joke or laugh during sex, always being his smiley self. "You've done this before," you raised an eyebrow, seeing as you had no clue. "Y/N, you act like high schoolers don't masturbate. I was like every other high schooler with my hormones." "Oh I will so come back to this later," you teased, "but back to what I was doing. I'm gonna put in a finger now." You slowly pushed your finger into Suga's ass, watching the way he clenched around one finger. "Fuck Y/N," Suga moaned out your name and it was hot on so many levels. You rocked your finger in and out of Suga, letting him adjust to the intrusion. "Y/N more, fuck, please." "You want another finger, sweetheart?" "God please yes." You loved this. God you almost wished he had brought up the whole skirt thing sooner. The sight of Suga, knees hiked up to his chest, skirt still on, legs spread, and ass clenching around you was something you definitely wanted more of. After plenty of prepping from your fingers, Suga was ready for you to fully fuck him with the toy you had bought earlier that day. "Are you sure you're ready? I don't wanna hurt my sweet boyfriend." "God yes, I'm so ready for you to fuck me, Y/N." As Suga watched you get ready to strap the toy to your hips, he realized you still had your bra and panties on. "Wait, don't put it on yet." "What is it?" you asked, thinking that he had decided to not go further. Suga sat up, his head coming up to around your stomach. When he sat up, he hooked his fingers in your panties and pulled them down your legs. He kissed your hip bones while he discarded your panties. He then reached up to unhook your bra. He was always so good at unhooking your bra, and you would never understand how. When you were completely naked in front of him, he allowed you to strap the toy on. You then settled back on the bed, sitting on your knees. But even after you had put it on, he didn't lay back down. This caused you to raise an eyebrow at the man below you. Without using words to answer your question, he leaned forward and started licking up and down your temporary dick. He used one of his hands to guide your own hand to the back of his head. Something about your boyfriend's lips working up and down a dick that was protruding from your hips was so fucking hot. His soft lips finally wrapped around the head and started bobbing up and down. Even though he technically wasn't physically pleasuring you, you moaned at the sight playing out. And you kept moaning as he worked his way until his nose was resting on the soft flesh of your stomach. After he had used his mouth enough to be pleased with himself, he finally leaned back down, resting on his elbows so he still had a good view of you. He brought his knees back up to his chest, spreading his legs wide and giving you perfect access to his hole. You decided he had waited long enough and grabbed the lube again, pouring some onto your hand before grabbing 'your' dick and spreading the slick around. You gently positioned yourself at Suga's ass. You looked up and into his eyes. "Is this alright?" "Please just put it in, stop teasing." "I'm not teasing, I'm making sure you're comfortable," you leaned over him to place a sweet kiss on his lips. You took this opportunity to finally start to push into Suga's tight heat. Of course, you took your time, not wanting to hurt him in any way. When you finally met his hips with your own, you stopped all movement, letting him adjust to the feel and size of being opened up. He finally dropped from his elbows and was now flat against the bed. "You can move now," Suga spoke after a minute. "Alright." God, this was absolutely amazing. You were leaning over Suga, your arms supporting you while they were braced by his head, his knees still on his chest, except now his hands were hooked around your neck and shoulders as he held you close. You started slow, barely thrusting in and out. "I'm not made of glass, Y/N, harder," Suga moaned. "Mmm Kou, you're so hot like this," you began thrusting slightly deeper. Then the best idea you think you've ever had hit you like a fucking train. "Sweetheart, do you wanna ride me?" "Y/N, I'll break your pelvis if I do that." "No you won't, but if you did it would be so fucking worth it." "God yes, then, I so wanna ride you." The two of you took a moment to settle again, and you looked up at Suga as he positioned you at his entrance, slowly sinking down. He collapsed forward onto your chest, head resting in the crook of your neck. "Fuck, it fills me up so good." Suga had a much dirtier mouth than anyone would expect. It's always the seemingly innocent one. He took a moment before he began bouncing up and down, he now sat up. His hands were resting along your chest, closer to your ribcage in order to not smash your boobs. "Is that good, Kou? You like that? Let me know how good it feels," you spoke as he bit his lip to hold back moans. "So good, so good." Honestly being ridden was pretty great. Your hands on Suga's skirt clad hips, his hands resting on your hot skin as you watched his face contort in pleasure. Without warning, you thrusted up to meet Suga's hips, sending him falling onto your chest again. "Right there, Y/N, keep doing that." So, you had found that special spot inside him. God, the moans were about to get loud. You kept thrusting up into your boyfriend, coaxing lewd moan after lewd moan out of his pretty lips. "Fuck. Y/N, I'm so close, so close." The friction of his dick rutting against your stomach was giving him some sweet, sweet friction, although he thought he may have been able to cum without it. "Oh, oh Y/N, fuck." "That's it, Kou, cum for me, let yourself feel good, sweetheart." As if on command, you felt Suga shoot his pleasure all over both of your chests and stomachs. He rutted against you and rocked onto your dick a few more times before coming to a stop, having ridden out his orgasm. "You alright?" you asked the man who was now letting his complete weight rest on you. His head was sat on your chest, arms came up to wrap slightly around your shoulders and back. "Couldn't be better." "Alright, I'm gonna pull out now and get something to clean up alright? You left to get everything to clean up and when you came back to the bed, you immediately wiped down Suga's chest and stomach. "Alright come here, beautiful, your turn," Suga sounded so damn tired. "Nope, this was all about you, sweetheart, you can pay me back another time," you giggled. "But you didn't get any attention." "That was the whole point. Now let's get you out of that skirt since it's dirty." You moved to help Suga take off the short skirt, leaving him completely nude. After putting that in the dirty clothes, you settled down into bed next to Suga. He immediately cuddled up to you, his head resting on your chest once again. While you laid on your back, Suga cuddled into your left side, his right arm wrapping around your stomach and pulling you close to him. Your legs were a tangled mess as they intertwined. One of his legs, though, was brought up to be lazily flung over your hips. Your left arm was slung over his shoulders, ensuring he was close to your body. "Thank you for this, Y/n." "Anything for you, Kou." "I love you." "I love you too." And with that, the two of you drifted off to sleep. You may have had a skirt dream or two that night.

~fin~

Oh boy, that was a great one to write. I really like Suga being all nervous in the beginning and being his cute self. Suga is a bb forever and has BIG switch energy. Like does he like to GIVE the fucking? Sure does. But does he also like to RECIEVE the fucking? Yes sir, yes sir. Hope you guys liked this one, even though it's different from what I've written before. As always, like, comment, vote, etc. You know the drill, just please do all that jazzy shit. Love you guys.

-Smutty-Senpai

#hq sugawara #sugawara koushi #suga #koushi #sugawara #smut #fluff #cute

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goddamnmuses-a · 4 years

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Dan Watches: Star Wars: Episode I -The Phantom Menace

So.. I got the idea of writing my thoughts up as I go basically as they get to the Gungan city so.. i’ll try and remember my thoughts before that and then I’ll do it kinda live. Under the cut cus long.

Alright.. So the opening crawl was very.. politics which to be honest as i’ve got older I actually kind of enjoy that side of Star Wars but it doesn’t really add anyhting to the actual film because I think everything thats in it could be picked up by just watching the film.

I kinda like the battle droids.. weird soft spot for them. I like the big ship ones too and Droidekas i thought were the coolest shit ever when i was a kid and i stand by that.

I’m not all that bothered by the racial stereotypes because like.. i’m not the races they’re sterotyping but i can see why it’d be problematic.

Jar Jar isn’t as annoying as everyone makes him out to be.. don’t get me wrong.. he’s annoying.. but he’s not cancer.

Aesthetically the Gungan City is pretty cool, giant underwater bubble city.. i bet there’s cool fan art of it somewhere.

Alright now we’re live.. The duck things the Gungans ride are weird.

Do Gungans like JarJar eventually become the giant Green guy? .. I googled apparently they’re just two different races of Gungan despite looking like totally different Aliens.

It’s nice that all races are like “Life debt? Oh yeah thats a legit thing.”

Gungans speak like English or Common or.. i forget the Star Wars term.. Basic? is their second language.. but it isnt.

Yooo Qui Gon just made JarJar go to sleep using the force.. Why is Force Sleep not a thing in more stuff... gotta keep an eye out for that now.

Naboo is pretty.

Padme is so extra, she’s in her iconic red dress that’s already extra as fuck and then sees that she’s been captured and is like “Alright.. but first.. wardrobe change!” and then shows up in some black number. I’m not sure if at this point she’s actually Padme or if Padme is pretending to be one of her servants now but either way she had a costume change and nobody questions it so she must be having costume changes all the time.

When Qui Gon force pushes two battle droids theres a really weird sound effect that sounds like it belongs in a mario game.

Pretty sure Padme is the handmaid now and this new Queen should take the opportunity to be like “Yoo peace out bitches.” Then we get Keira Knightley’s adventures in Star Wars.

Also who was she before this swaparoo? Was she a handmaid and just suddenly got promoted to queen? Like she could be saying all sorts of shit. I know she gets revealed later on but think of how much she could do whilst Padme is away.

The first words ever spoken to R2 in Star Wars, chronologically, (although inderectly) are “Hello Boyos”. Just sit with that.

The first words spoken to him directly are “How rude.” which seems about right tbf with how sassy he is.

Darth Maul is awesome.

Keira Knightly or Sabe (I looked it up) is like “Yo actual queen, clean that droid!” i think she just wanted to feel more powerful than the actual queen there, little power trip.

Nice Poncho Qui Gon. Cal approves.

I wonder how long Padme took to convince the others to let her go off alone with Qui Gon and Jar Jar and R2 (Dunno why R2 joins them?) on a planet thats ruled by the Hutts

I kinda like Watto.. not as a person.. he just amuses me.

Kinda cool that Anakin can speak Huttese, wish he spoke it more often.. just cursing in Huttese as Obi Wan tries to teach him stuff.

“Are you an Angel.” Smooooth kid. Smoooth, you’re gonna get with her. Despite her being way older than you. They couldn’t have just made him the same age as her?

Toydarians should be used for more things, especially involving force users.

Anakin. The slave. Is like “Here Qui Gon, you’ll like this food.” and he’s just like “Cheers” and pockets it for later. Dude. Try it.

I really hope they do go into more High Republic stuff next, give me a Destiny-type game where you play as a Jedi with your mates.

Quigons like “You must have Jedi reflexes to race pods” Then he catches Jar Jars tongue in a blink of an eye and Anakins like “You’re a Jedi Knight aren’t you?” And Qui-Gon is like “What makes you think that?” ...? .. You just fucking.. God damn it Qui-Gon.

Anakin: “No one can kill a Jedi”. Palpatine: “Hold my Blue milk.”

I feel like im becoming fluent in Gungan broken basic which is worrying.

Anakins mom whos name i’ve literally just forgot is like “He was meant to help you.” ... bitch.. what? Why does nobody question that?

WHY DOES JAR JARS MOUTH MOVE WITH OTHER PEOPLES LINES!? ... Darth Jar Jar. #PlagueisTheWiseWasAGungan. I mean not rly but seriously.. that would have been a really cool plot twist.

Jar Jar got numbed and got his hand stuck.. so like.. perhaps not.. otherwise you’re playing a little too dumb mate.

The look of worry from Shmi, good stuff.

The two Headed announcer speaking basic and Huttese is pretty smart like, the one doing one and the other doing the other.

What the fuck is Clegg Holdfast?

What the fuck are any of these races? Like.. where are these races throughout the rest of the franchise?

Crazy that lightly bending that one part of the podracer can fuck it up so bad.

Who the fuck is that other Hutt? Oh yeah I’m watching the like updated version with Geroge Lucas’ “Fixes” in it. Probably should have said that earlier.

I cant remember if this is true but I’m pretty sure Qui-Gon knows Padme is the Queen and is just fucking with her at this point.

Man Pod Racing is cool, fuck whoever says it isnt.

Gimmie an updated Pod Racing ps4 game.

What the fuck is that long thin alien thats selling food to the crowd? Gimmie a Jedi version of him.

Havent commented in a while because i just kept watching it tbh.

Coruscant looks cool. Still want more High Republic stuff.

What the fuck is that driver alien, he looks in pain to exist.

“There is no civility, there is only politics” The Chancellor code.

Is it too late to call a vote of no confidence on Palpatine?

I see you there in the background Yaddle. Get it girl.

Fuck me the added extra of this long neck ass Jedi Master is so distracting.

Where Jaro Tapal at tho?

You’d think after Padme’s like “Surprise bitch it’s me” moment coming up the Jedi would be like “Well shit.. maybe we’re less aware of things than we think... Yoda.. are you just a short human painted green?”

Amedala... So extra with these outfits. I get that she’s a Queen but Jesus.

Eyyyyyyyyyyyy it’s ET.

Qui-Gon is such a bad boy.

I kinda get why Jedi take kids when they’re really young, so they can’t remember their parents so they aren’t constantly worried about their parents and then fall to the dark side... doesn’t make it any nicer though.

My vote went to Bail Antilles.

To be fair not training Anakin could have been very bad. He could have like gone even more Darkside and Palpatine could swooped in and trained him himself completely.

Maul is barely in this but fuck is he still cool.

You know what I don’t hate Midichlorians. They’re just like atoms that stick to certain people and thats what gives them access to the force, it doens’t really change anything it’s just a scientific explination.

You know what.. During the middle of the film, Jar Jar keeps his mouth shut and just lets people get on with it, that’s alright.

How old is Obiwan supposed to be in this film?

A little more variation in these creepy ass gungans would be nice.

Damn the Viceroy and the other guy are huge or Maul is smol.

Love that Gungan dindgeridoo horn thing.

I also love the giant bubble shields.

Are they watching a Star Wars battle tactics pc game on that screen?

Fuck The Darth Maul fight is badass.

I don’t buy Anakin at all, he wants to fly out there and get involved, the little shit.

Quigon doesnt even flip when he jumps, he’s just like “I’m too old for this shit.”

Yeah R2 is like “Go back” and Anakins like “Naaa fuck that”... Tut tut. Boys gonna be trouble.

The way Maul stalks back and forth the other side of that barrier like a Sith Tiger.. Good shit.

Aaaaand Quigon is dead. RIP.

“Now This is Pod Racing.”.. It’s not though is it?

Nice to have something blow up and actually have debris instead of just all being gone completely.

Anddd there goes Maul to go get robot spider legs and then be found by his bro Savage.

Why do you wanna bring balance to the force anyway if it’s currently so one sided favouring the light side? Surely bringing balance is a bad thing at that point.

Yoda’s already soooo old.

Alright so they know there’s a Sith out there and the guy is still just like right next to them and they don’t know. Tut.

That Jedi behind Mace Windu at the end looks intimidating as shit.

Padme, he’s a kid, calm yourself down woman. You predator.

Alright.. Film done. 10/10 Best movie ever. Naa tbh I enjoy the prequels more than most, obviously if you’ve stuck with me this long you know that but it clearly has its flaws.. still.. I enjoyed it! Feel free to ask me my opinions on specific things if you want. Also shamelessly gonna plug my two star wars muses Cal and Savage here, rp with me you cowards. Also I’m down to star wars verse any of my other characters, literally any of them, i have ideas for all.

#ooc #dan watches #dan reacts

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lanasaved · 5 years

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sssslithers onto the scene like nagini.... hlo! i’m nai n i’m rly excited to finally return 2 rp. uni is officially Over n i’m living bk at home nw so i actually hav free time again to write. c’est une.... how do u say.... Miracle! some of u might b familiar w lana already bt if not u can find out mre abt her under the cut n feel free 2 like this or hmu fr plots!!!

p.s. this is her pinterest for those of u tht like tht kind of thing

CIS-FEMALE — ever hear people say LANA JAMESON looks a lot like KRISTINE FROSETH? I think SHE is about 22, so it doesn’t really work. The DANCE major is a JUNIOR that is from ALBANY, NEW YORK. They can be + VIVACIOUS, but they can also be - IRRESPONSIBLE. I think LANA might be SHEEP. They are living in BALTA. ( nai. 22. gmt. she/her. )

some random aesthetics: a red water pistol topped up with caribbean rum and covered in stickers of cartoon pin up girls, a vinyl record whirring silently because you got too distracted by a stranger’s hands to reach over and flip sides, giant inflatable flamingos floating in the aftermath of a pool party, smudgy lipstick kisses left like an autograph on someone else’s mirror

ic im sayin she jst got bk from going abroad w louis, this kind of sleazy older man tht manages the camgirls on the website lana works fr. he calls himself a “big exec” at “the company” n mkes it all sound a lot more professional than it is. he also owns this big house w all these different rooms/settings fr the girls to film different kinds of scenes in n is looked up by a lot of ppl bt when asked why they look up to him, nobody ever rly seems to have an answer. jst...a shady figure. lana kind of.... went off the deep end lst semester n ended up deferring her next one after missing her big graded ballet recital. it’s a whole big mess n she’s wearin horse blinders to it. truly jst.... goin on holiday to ignore hw much she’s fuckin things up at school. queen of burying her head in the sand!

frm this point on ive jst pasted her old intro bc im the laziest woman alive n that’s jst life Babey

grew up in a big house in albany, NY, bt also spent time all over the place n was in the city a lot

okay so her mum is an old money socialite / three time campaign model way back when n her dad is a big record label mogul. he owns a label called jameson records n they repped a few big rock bands back in the eighties, altho they’re mostly known for ‘poppy injects’ whose lead singer had a big heroin scandal tht brought down his career. lana p much grew up around musicians snorting lines instead of spooning down cereal fr breakfast n her parents were v much absent her whole life

they’re pretty well off obviously n bc of her relation to such a big music industry figure she’s hung out w a fair few relatively high rep ppl thru her teens. she amassed kind of an instagram following mainly fr her style (v penny lane-esque in some aspects aka lots of fur cuff trimmed jackets bt then also jst…. a wild combination of everything honestly. pastel faux fur coats, seventies style platforms, flame red cowboy boots, pastel coloured fishnet tights n glitter used like highlight Everywhere) n bc she’s undeniably very pretty

her parents always kind of jst… didn’t like her. it was v clear that she was an accident after her older brother caleb n that even when they just had him alone they weren’t cut out for parenthood. they always kind of jst… ignored her n hoped she’d go away. she had to mke herself microwave meals when she ws only like 12 bc they’d forget to get her anything. once she went like 6 days without her mum even looking her in the eyes once

despite this tho!!! she’s always been insanely close w her brother caleb. he’s her whole world. thts why when he decided to sign up to the army she ws understandably scared bt supported him regardless. bt then he wound up getting discharged under grounds of severe ptsd when he witnessed his best friend die in an explosion tht took place in a shock raid. caleb returned home n he was never the same n lana kind of felt like he’d died out there too. he’s in n out of hospital a lot n it’s rly hard on her bt she doesn’t tlk abt it to anyone rly

growing up lana was always a huge social butterfly. jst literally…. knew everyone n everyone definitely knew her. she ws one of those girls tht ws kind of impossible to ignore or forget. very animated, always made u feel like u were the centre of the universe whenever she spoke to u, always made it feel like u were best friends even if ud only spoken to her once. she has this magnetic way abt her tht is kind of hard to find in real life. it’s something ud only rly expect out of a movie character

she’s always been insatiably spontaneous n adventurous. always doing something weird n wild every weekend. she has ten thousand stories tht always earn a laugh or a gasp over how ridiculously absurd they r

anyway so after caleb got back he was rly withdrawn n depressed. he shut lana out n was kind of harsh to her a lot of the time, always telling her to leave him alone or pushing her away. it didnt help either tht lana had a rly traumatic experience w some of her dad’s colleagues at the label when she ws 16 n he was away n she cldnt even tell him abt it once he was bk bc of his own traumas. she kind of jst shut it all in n kept it to herself

this obviously?? made her spiral a lot. she was already a girl tht loved sex (she’d only rly done foreplay before tho) but since her trauma it got…. completely out of hand. it got to a point where she couldnt rly go 2 days without it, probably not even 1. her lowest point has probably been scrolling thru craiglist for anonymous encounters n meeting up w strangers on there fr a quick fuck jst for the thrill even tho it’s insanely dangerous n she cld wind up getting herself killed. it’s v clear at this point tht she has a sex addiction whether she’s ever admitted it or not. in fact she’s so… shameless in her endeavours tht she’s actually currently having an affair w her ballet instructor tanya who’s engaged to b married

she also currently? is working as a cam girl. she found this website bc she trawls… porn stuff a lot n she wound up applying to work as one bc she thought it’d b fun n wld earn her some disposal income (even tho she frankly doesn’t need it bc she’s already well off). the guy tht manages all of the girls on the site is kind of suspect n it’s a whole plot i’m gna unravel where it’s actually like the front for a cult or something wild so. stay posted ig. kgjdkgjh

new development!!!!!!!! cue me trottin around doin jazz hands. she’s actually been cut off by her dad so she’s….. living off the money she has left n has to look to find a job which is jst. a nightmare fr someone like lana bc she’s insatiably irresponsible n destined to be fired from anything she tries to hold down bt. it’ll be interesting bc this means she genuinely has to keep on camming even tho she’s starting not to want to any more bc of other circumstances i won’t elaborate on jst yet winks

personality/some fun facts: uncontrollably flirty. boundlessly confident. cld make a joke out a paper bag n her comedy is sometimes surreal / absurd. she tends to laugh when she feels like crying n has a smile brighter than a ray of texas sunshine. always dapples her fingers thru the breeze when she’s driving in a car w the window down. her fav book as a child used to b alice in wonderland n she’d fantasise abt having her own little wonderland too where everyone knew her name n asked her things n took her on adventures. at the time it didn’t rly strike her how evident it was tht that was bc she was so lonely. she almost always has some sort of sweet on her, whether it’s strawberry laces or gummy bears or cherry lollipops. she adores david bowie n prince n madonna n anyone tht’s a vintage style icon w little care fr what ppl think. wildflowers r her favourites bc they’re the brightest and u can’t buy them. she’s had like 8472493874 ‘relationships’ n none of them hav lasted beyond a month / hav been terrible / hav seen her being treated badly / she’s cheated on them. i dnt think she’s actually been w anyone she hasn’t cheated on in some form or another

plot ideas: exes tht lana’s fucked over hideously. she’d probably cheat a lot and it’d be a whole…mess. mayb someone tht flipped the switch and cheated on her? a cousin plot cld b fun too. a friend tht lana fel out w bc she slept w their significant other. someone tht’s getting lana into drugs?? she’s kind of impressionable/down for anything so tht’s a likely scenario she’d get into tbh. an unrequited crush!! (either way is cool). someone tht is just hanging out w her/using her bc she has a lot of instagram followers or they want to b signed to her dad’s label. someone in a band!! she’d probably make like penny lane n b their groupie/sleep w them all fgjkshgkh. umm a good influence too mayb? oh and a past summer romance/fling tht cld either have meant a lot or not have meant anything at all. bonus points if both of them hav a diff viewpoint on it. honestly?? anything is fine i cld ramble for days. let’s get wildt!

#livingintro #inhales fr ten minutes to muster the breath necessary to add al these tws #rape tw #statutory rape tw #only brief / touched on / not explored in detail bt stil!#abuse tw #ptsd tw #hospitalisation tw #hypersexuality tw #addiction tw #death tw #mental illness tw #drugs tw

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mvlcolms · 5 years

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*clears throat* is this thing on ? hi friends im mella ! i go by feminine pronouns n am 19 yrs of achy joints and random migraines . basically 19 going on 107 . i’m here to introduce u to malcolm . fair warning tho .. he is the worst . so if u dont hate both of us by the end of this , feel free to like this or hmu so we can plot smth ?

❛ welcome to new york , malcolm hansen . your resemblance to herman tommeraas is absolutely uncanny . by the looks of your tesla roadster , we’re thinking you’ll fit right in . according to tmz , you just had your twenty second birthday bash . your chances of making it in the city are dicey since you’re unscrupulous , but being captivating gives you an advantage . ( cismale & he/him )

SO let me introduce u to malcolm richard hansen iii , but if u call him anything other than mac , he prob will throw hands . he comes from olllllld money , nobody rly knows how the family got rich initially but his grandpa ( the og malcolm ) made even more money by creating a very successful record label thats now rly dominant in the music industry . his grandpa is currently 79 yrs old n just recently stepped out as the ceo but is still has a lot of influence in the company and obviously in the family . this might sound irrelevant but it will be important later on i promise .

ok so mac was born to mac jr and a former singer named tara michaels . they met when she was in the record label building , for a meeting in regards to a possible contract and the rest was history ? grandpa hated tara and made no secret of his opinions abt her . basically he thought she was a golddigger ( she was ) and his son was stupid ( also true ) , and even refused to attend their wedding ceremony . needless to say , as soon as they got married , the couple left sunny california n settled down in chicago .

mac was his first male grandchild tho , n even if he hated his mother n resented his dads stupidity , mac was kinda like his golden child . so senior kinda stole his grandson ? not rly but he did keep him in la every summer n holidays , when he wasnt in school in chicago .

so mac rly looked up to his grandpa growing up even if he also thought he was an asshole ? they werent super close but had a lot of respect for each other , n mac much preferred spending his time with og mac than with mac jr n his ma ( oh boy this is bound to get confusing ) . but yea , his grandpa was a huge influence on him while growing up , which was mayhaps not a good idea .

once he graduated high school , his grandpa told him that he wanted him to run the company in his dads place bc he wasnt leaving a multibillion dollar company for that doofus , but sneaky old mac told him that there were terms to this development . mac would get the company once he retired , but since his father had been such a dumb fuck , he would only get the company n his money , if he married a woman approved by the senior before he kicked the bucket . mac threw an absolute fit , but eventually came to the conclusion that he’d rather marry someone for convenience than be poor for the rest of his life . which tbh so would i .

ENTER ARRANGED FIANCÉE . they’ve been engaged for about two yrs now but no one is in any rush for the actual marriage . the deal was that they only had to do it before senior died , n since he’s in pretty much perfect help , the duo is just biding their time . mac moved to nyc to live w/ the fiancée , but as of now , they r pretty much just roommates atm . so yeah basically thats how mac ended up in this moment in his life lmao .

in regards to his personality , mac is pretty much a mini version of malcolm senior . he’s v confident ( cocky ) n has a LOT of trouble trying to view life by any other point of view than his own . very selfish and honestly not a guy u can put ur trust in ? he’s not like a super asshole or anything , is in fact rly charming n can be a great person to hang out w/ but if you’re his best friend n he feels like he can get away w/ hooking up w your mom ? 12/10 will do it .

is mad into parties ? always hanging out in the hottest spots w all different kinds of ppl until the sun is comin up . he has weird views when it comes to dating which is lowkey for is kinda an asshole who gives no fucks n usually ends up being hated by his exes .

but he’s also a super fun guy to be around !! will always be down for a good time n do his best to cheer u everyone around him . u r always going to be entertained around him there isnt even a choice .

he works on/off for the record label , mostly monitoring bigger artists n such because we love nepotism around here friends , but he also does music every once in a while ? its not frequent , n he mostly writes songs for other artists , but he has previously released an album n scored a couple of #1s . i pretty much think of his vc n style as bazzi’s , but he’s definitely not super active as a singer .

so far this is pretty much it for mac . i’m still working on him a little , but this is an alright outline of his for now . i’m gonna list some possible connections but those are gonna be pretty basic . feel free to hmu in my ims or on discord ( mella is lost #1597 ) where i am p much all the time so we can come up w some bomb ideas ?

someone whos signed to the label n they connected through it ? could be all kinds of stuff actually .

best friends bc even demons need those every once in a while .

exes , all kinds of them but mostly bad terms bc mac is the worst .

pretty much all the fwbs no strings attached things specially if they come w/ angst .

hype friends who r always there to have a good time w each other .

first love type of thing ?

skinny love that will never work ?

i cant think of anything else ? pls dont give up on me tho n like this thing or hmu for plots bye !!!

#wealthyhq:intro #uhhh this was a lot #im sorry friends

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shikyus · 5 years

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「 questions tag 」 :･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧

Tagged by: @missminji @dandy-darling98 thank youuu <3

Rules : Answer the questions and tag 10 people

How tall are you?

171 cm which is somewhere around 5′7 i think??

What color and style is your hair?

my hair is naturally a light brown but i’ve been dying it red for an year now

it is also naturally wavy and constantly messy no matter what i do and it’s somewhere between medium length and long?? it reaches my bra band if that’s relevant in any way

What color are your eyes?

a combo??? of green??? and brown??? like yea that’d be hazel but like the outer parts are more green ish while part closer to pupil is brown?? idk man they’re weird and they look brown from afar

Do you wear glasses?

nope

Do you have braces?

nope but i had them for three years when i was in middle school

What’s your fashion sense?

hmmm depends a lot on my mood:

-all black, leather jacket,boots, somewhere between casual and edgy skdjgads, hoop earrings are a must

-soft colorful clothes, working a lot on matching the colors with my bag and other accessories like my earrings and trust me that is a TASK esp when you have 10 ear piercings sdkfjsgdf , sunglasses, sneakers, lots of rings, overall casual but rly colorful and accessorized

-casual going classy, all black with a fancy yellow coat,,, or a cute dress, ooor high-waist jeans with a dress shirt and high heels (i usually go for these when i go out with friends)

-the idgaf mood that is probably a combo of all of the above askhgsldjkfh

Full name?

Andreea Lazăr

When were you born?

10th of april 2000

Where are you from and where do you live?

i’m from romania and i’m still living here

What school(s) do you go to?

welp high school although i’m graduating in less than 2 months and my class specialization is math & IT

What kind of student are you?

i’m usually the one that teachers forget about

but they’re pleasantly surprised to find out that i actually know stuff skjdfhsgj

also i’m pretty lazy and pull everything off the last minute and then ace it lmao

Do you like school?

uh,,, yeah?

Fav subject?

math, physics and languages ^-^

Fav TV shows?

game of thrones,,,

Fav books?

percy jackson series by rick riordan

knulp & demian by hermann hesse

i, robot by isaac asimov

ender’s game by orson scott card

alien series

Fav pastimes?

dancing, singing, playing the guitar or the piano, listening to music, drawing asjkaghkdh there’s so many ^^’ oH and i also like cooking and writing ^-^

Do you have any regrets?

hmmmnot really??

Dream job?

hmmm i’d like to be a physics researcher but i kinda gave up on that bcuz i can’t rly do much in that field on romania so these days i’ve been considering the idea of being a language teacher or a translator?? esp bcuz i’m probably gonna study english and japanese/korean in college

Would you ever like to be married?

hmmm don’t think so but who knows?

Would you like to have children?

i’d rather adopt tbh,, like i’d like to raise kids but the whole birth giving idea sounds,,, rly bad,,, don’t wanna sign up for that shit sorry not sorry

If so, how many?

welp if i were to adopt probably 2??? idk i feel like even one would be hard to handle askjhsgs i’ll see man i’m only 19 i have no idea what i’m doing sdhfsdj

Do you like shopping?

hm not really i always get it done as fast as possible and i always go for exactly what i know i wanted to buy

What countries have you visited?

hm not too many but here’s the list: moldavian rep, bulgaria, hungary, czech rep, germany, italy, poland, austria and japan

Scariest nightmare you’ve ever had?

uhhh,,, does sleep paralysis count? coz that’s some scary shit my friend

Any enemies?

no lmao

Do you have a significant other?

nah idk man all the pretty girls are taken and my kpop boys are obviously not an option askldfahs

Do you get along with your family?

we argue a lot but it’s not very serious so i’d say that we have an okay chemistry

Do you believe in miracles?

uhhh kinda?

How are you?

tired and thirsty ksadsagd

i tag: @tikki-transforme-moi @multyfan1458 @youremytreasure98 @younghhyun @speckofglitter @honeyboyhyunjin @yunhos-gf @notsunwoo and anybody that sees this and wants to do it! ^-^

#tag game #uwu

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lookwhatilost · 5 years

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i. i must’ve passed out unintentionally at some point. im not happy abt it. I didn’t take my makeup off yet. my teeth aren’t brushed. I do this a lot and I worry abt how damaged they must be getting, jst bc I’m stupid and drink too much. I dnt think I drink that much, I mean maybe in general, but not last night. I had, what? the flights at area two, the spiked seltzer and Moscow mule at cityside, the two beers when I got back to the apartment—wait, no, that actually is kind of a lot. im not sure when I got so desensitized. I check the clock—2AM—so i actually haven’t been knocked out for as long as I thought. two hours, probably. it could be worse. the cat is still awake and still being credulous with me. he’s warming up to me again, but it’s a little disheartening to redo this dance with him each time I see him. remember me, dammit. i remember you. I dnt think I’m being entirely fair to him, though. he’s a cat. i can’t rly apply my human understanding of anything to his behavior. either way, he’s waiting outside the bathroom for me when I go in to attend to my teeth and makeup. he follows me. he falls asleep next to me. i feel a little bit validated. part of me thinks being the kind of person that animals like effortlessly is the mark of some inherent goodness, but I know it’s illogical and this took effort. i want to jst believe there’s goodness here, and in my absence of any real examples, I’ll assign depth to something like this. sometimes it’s all you can do.

ii. the sun doesn’t have any business being up at five-something, but it is, and I dnt think there are shades in this room. well, I’m not sure, maybe there are, but I didn’t have the foresight to look for them or close them. llewyn has moved, he’s in his actual bed now, but he seems to have taken notice of the fact that I’m awake. I try to rest my eyes a little bit. i know i won’t be able to sleep with the sun in my eyes, but it’s restful anyway. I have a long day ahead of me and i want to ease into the morning. i think i drifted back off but I can’t tell. llewyn has moved again. it seems like he wants to cuddle now. impeccable timing, as always. ive heard ian’s alarm go off a few times in the other room but they’ve still not come out of it. i have to leave soon. i wanna actually physically say goodbye but I’m worried they’re avoiding me. the last time we had a goodbye moment, i kissed them on the cheek and that probably made them rly uncomfortable. I’m not even sure why I did that. i think they’re the only person im comfortable showing any kind of affection towards but that doesn’t make that action any less weird. especially given... i dnt want to think abt that shit anymore, actually. i can’t without feeling ashamed and very, very stupid. it’s not like that anymore, but i wonder how much has to happen and how much time has to elapse for something like that to not actually matter anymore. i wonder if it ever won’t. it’s probably not personal. not everything that affects me is abt me, sheesh.

iii. the iced coffee at cumberland farms tastes the same as the iced coffee everywhere else, but i can’t get it here often, and it’s very inexpensive. it can’t help but occur to me that 24 ounces of coffee is 7 calories, and the calorie counts are printed on the packages of the food I got—250 for the sandwich, 150 for the hash browns. i marinade on the thought for a little bit before deciding what to do with it. I eat my food and drink the coffee and try not to remember. I do anyway. I’m trying to think of different numbers. this is a pretty substantial takeaway breakfast for $3 and change. better than what i probably could have got at mcdonalds. the sandwich is kind of soggy but it’s not bad. the hash browns are better.

iv. five hours in the car fly by my nose and im back home, kind of. i think I’m still trying to figure out what “home” means. this place is familiar. it’s where i live. my roommate’s dirty dishes from yesterday morning are still in the sink. mail that the cat knocked off the counter on my way out is still sitting on the floor. 24 hours have passed since I was last here, but it looks like nothing has been touched. I may as well have just stepped out for a cigarette.

v. very rarely does anything change in a days time, but when enough of them pass, everything is suddenly different. i slept on this couch more times than I could count before i was even on the lease, like I’d known I’d someday live here and wanted to warm myself up to it. and I’ve lived here for a while now, going on 8 months to be exact, but it simultaneously feels much longer than that, and as though it hasn’t actually been that long. a lot has happened in that time, but mainly to evan. ive witnessed many things that he’s done but have branched out very little myself. i transferred at my job abt a year ago but im still doing the same work I’ve been doing since i was 19. i still have the same friends but i see increasingly less of them. i get into the same car and travel the same roads that take me the same places. i still drink jst as much.

vi. my body has changed a lot, but the things I’ve always hated abt it are still there and the changes have jst given me more to resent. i look in the mirror when I get out of the shower and it’s all the same. the face with the perpetually stupid, bovine look plastered on it, the same masculine jaw, broad shoulders, breasts that are too far apart, more noticeably so since they’ve gotten smaller, the laparoscopy scar on my navel, the clusters of freckles that are jst pigmented enough to make my skin look blotchy, the perpetually inflamed hair follicles on my thighs, the knobby knees, always covered in bruises, the leg that’s slightly shorter than the other. the counter in the bathroom is high enough that I can’t see my labia but I know they’re there. I want to go a day without debating whether to cut them off with the sharpest knife I can find. it’s not today. the weight loss did little to make me feel better abt the way it all looks—the size of my jaw and shoulders is more apparent now that they are less hidden, my eyes bug out, it’s hard to contort so that my ribs aren’t visible somewhere, my hipbones poke through my clothing. I dnt think I’ve ever looked so bad in my life. Im going to cover up.

vii. I look at the date on my phone and saw that it was the 24th and for some reason identified that this was the last time I’d see that number on a calendar before I turned 24 myself. It doesn’t seem to make sense that I’m that old now. I know it’s not old, too, but it doesn’t seem like that should be me. I still think I behave like a child in a lot of respects, and the thought conjures a memory of my old therapist insulting me, saying that I had the mental tendencies of a child in grammar school. when she told me this initially, I replied to her sarcastically: “well, shit. maybe I should see a therapist abt that” and she told me not to come back to her practice. I cried on the way home despite how cognizant I was of the absurdity of the situation. “grammar school”—who even calls it that? it stuck with me nonetheless. it’s hard to have a therapist fire you, even with the knowledge that the therapist in question was not very good, without wondering if you’re a basket case, if help will always be lost on you.

viii. my job isn’t the worst but the labor feels pointless and it rly intensifies my feelings that I’m fighting never ending monotony to wring out very little in the way of satisfaction. i think you rly have to love this job to do it as a career, or maybe you need to have a specific personality type that makes it easier to engage w. im not very good at socializing and i think im getting too old to keep making excuses for myself abt that. meg and ash are always nagging me to sell more but i dnt feel comfortable enough to make small talk w these people, let alone sell them stuff. i feel like i sound so stupid when I speak aloud. i use a lot of fillers in my speech and it’s rly hard to talk abt hair without sounding like a bullshitter. something is very insincere abt the language that’s involved. i know i know what im talking abt but I dnt know how to sound like i know what I’m talking abt, and it’s hard bc the latter is a lot more important.

ix. I can’t tell if people sincerely aren’t making sense today or if im foggy bc i kept waking up and going back to sleep. this guy keeps saying that the last woman who cut his hair used a 5 on the sides and a 9 on the top but she cut it all w scissors. that definitely doesn’t make sense. i dnt think they even make a 9. why would she be using clipper settings to describe a scissor cut? the top here is at least 3 times as long as the sides and back are. im not going—oh my god, i can’t deal w kids who scream during their haircuts—insane, right? stuff like this makes me rly doubt myself, too, like there are bigger gaps in my knowledge than—wow he rly jst is not tiring himself out w this screaming, huh—i feel there are. what if this actually is a coherent way to describe a haircut? maybe he rly is jst stupid, but I also think that when you write people off as “stupid” all the time, it reflects—god, why is his baby sister screaming now too? nothing is even fucking happening to her—worse on you than it does on them. it’s always the biggest idiots who are so self-satisfied to think that. but im not self-satisfied at all, im very insecure and it’s constantly apparent, but everyone is insecure abt a lot, and that doesn’t doesn’t equal intelligence. I wish I had a sounding board. and i rly wish that kid in Niya’s chair would stop crying.

x. everyone in the salon today seems like they’re in a bit of a weird mood, it’s not jst me for once. the phone is annoying me a lot more than usual today. i feel like it’s ringing every 20 minutes. niya is always very avoidant when it comes to taking haircuts, but meg is lagging today which is unusual. it was busy, too, but i keep getting shafted where tips are concerned. most of my regulars who were due to come in around this time came earlier this week, and usually they’re the ones who tip me the best. the radio station that’s on is very weird too, distractingly so—it’s gone from bowie, to panic at the disco, to nirvana, the police, florence and the machine, neil young, lord huron, rhcp, crowded house. it’s not intolerable, but i can’t seem to follow any sort of genre or time period theme and im paying more attention to figuring this out than i am what im supposed to be doing. it’s that point in the night where people generally stop coming in and I know I haven’t made very much. I’ve counted... $24. weird. are they playing “brick”? that’s a throwback.

xi. i remember my ex being rly into mystics despite not understanding them very well. i forget what he was doing w my natal chart, but he told me once that 24 would be a rly significant year for me. i asked him why and he said that’s all he could figure, there was nothing in the way of further details that he provided. i know I said something back to him abt hoping that id be married by 24—so stupid. granted, i would have been 18 or so at the time and 24 seemed very distant at the time. but that was 6 years at the time, now it’s less than 3 weeks. ive changed a lot, mentally at least, but my circumstances haven’t rly. maybe on superficial levels. yeah, i support myself financially and i have a job in a field i could realistically work in for the rest of my life if I wanted to do that. but im still jst as unsure abt what I want and what’s going to happen to me. i feel like I’m more “sought after” in a few ways, but my phone is jst as dry as it’s always been. i was hoping the move would have been good for me but im very scared abt doing it alone. and i might still do it, i jst dnt know what the timeline is going to look like and there’s no promise of me turning over a new leaf for real and finding my inspiration jst bc my scenery has changed. every time ive moved when I was younger, it jst dug me deeper into loneliness. but i was a child and it wasn’t my choice. but there’s no way for me to rationalize asking my actual lived experiences. maybe that’s the big thing that’ll happen to me at 24? or maybe instead of getting married, I’ll break a marriage up. i know that’s not going to get that far, you know, w kenny. i probably shouldn’t joke abt it, though.

xii. it looks like Evan is home from friday’s already and i rly dnt want to be around him right now. im still feeling rly hurt abt him pulling the plug on the massachusetts move without making any effort at all to sort his finances out or secure some additional income that wasn’t the precarious extra dollars he’s been getting from porn. he keeps sinking all of his money into bar tabs and impulse purchases and takeaway food. and his cars. i wish he would jst be honest w himself abt the cars already. he needs to sell the honda and be done w it before he has to replace the engine and drop another two grand on repairs. i dnt know why he never listens to me. im rly growing to dislike him, but we’re in this together whether i like it or not, and im not going to lead him astray when his financial problems are dragging me down w him. i think i am going to be a hypocrite and go out alone tonight. kenny’s bar is doing that bottle opening thing tonight, right? but i dnt rly want to be around kenny right now. but he might not be there. but i also get a weird satisfaction from being around him I’ll bet it’s going to be a madhouse there, too, and i rly hate crowded bars. but it’s something to do. maybe i will get lucky and someone will talk to me and we’ll have a decent conversation and I’ll never see them again after. why is that my ideal?

xiii. god, running out the last hour on the clock is always hell. no one ever seems to come in, so it feels like a huge waste of time, but when people do come in, i get very irritated. so I’m not sure what i actually want from my time here. i think im jst too fixated on how being stuck here until close almost every night is hurting my ability to expand myself socially. but what would i even be doing if i wasn’t here? i think i would jst be finding a way to waste time. id be sinking hours into doing nothing like I do all the time. i have a lot of time on my hands, in the grand scheme of things. i have literally no idea where it all goes. i drink a lot of it away bc i am generally too uninspired to participate in my hobbies, and i think that feeds the darkness bc they make me very happy. at least w cooking, yknow, i have to eat. i have an organic need to engage w that one. all else has been falling through the cracks, though. i dnt think ive picked my bass up in 3 weeks.

xiv. Kenny’s bar looks like it’s absolutely mobbed and I’d be upset if I went all the way out there only for me not to be able to sit down anywhere. it looks like Evan went back out. that works. i have beer at home. I’d be smarter to save the money anyway. i want to support kenny and the rest of the guys, even though I dnt have a lot of nice things to say abt him. his brewery is cool. it’s cool to have something with so much potential come out of your home town, even if i dnt entirely identify w that place as being my home town. but it’s better than saying that im from alabama, even though i feel like my childhood is more tethered to mobile. i think people would make weird assumptions abt me if I said that. people are rly unfair to what the south is actually like. i dnt know. but their growth has been nice to watch. seeing something you’ve supported since the beginning grow to the degree it has makes you feel pride even if it has nothing to do with you personally. and ive had so many good moments there, w ian, w my family, in general. i met justin there and im happy abt that, even though i dnt know what’s going on w justin. i dnt think justin knows what’s going on w justin.

xv. looking at my shelf of ian souvenirs is making me miss ian, even though we were jst together, even though we’re seeing one another again in 2 weeks. I wish I could engage w them in a more stable way. seeing them reminds me of being a teenager and breaking into the apartment i used to live in on governor’s island. and since the base went out of commission not long after we moved, i was the last person to live in that apartment. i went back into my first bedroom and the evidence that it used to belong to me was still apparent, but the floorboards had been warped and the wallpaper was very faded out. i felt weird being back, nostalgia and warmth pitted against the instinct that i wasn’t supposed to be there. i wasn’t supposed to see it—a rosy memory colliding w irrefutable proof of the passage of time. ive been very unfair to them, ian, in so many respects but it’s all very mixed and complicated. i look at this person, and i see so many years worth of history, but the familiar messy gold hair is framing a slightly different, slightly fuller face. they talk abt people i dnt know very well, stories set in a city ive spent very little time in. it’s disorienting. i feel like when im here alone, im always confronting their ghost, in places we used to go together, in things we used to talk abt doing but never did—a final hike on a trail that closed before we got the chance to go together, their name scratched in the wall of a dive bar, things they’d always point out on the side of the road, small pieces of their essence scattered across a place they are no longer a part of. i wonder what I did to deserve any preservation, too. i see this person who I truly am proud of, who i rly do think is going places, and that respect gets interpreted into feelings of inadequacy. that there’s no way someone like this can look at me and see anything other than an unstable failure. i dnt think any other person knows me more fully, for better or for worse. worse is dominant. i know it is. my intuition is always screaming at me that they hate me, that they left bc they wanted to get away from me. literally none of that makes sense. i know they dnt lie to spare my feelings, but i feel like they almost have to be. i wonder why i can’t trust that im cared for. i wonder why I can’t have an evaluation of another person that i dnt immediately relate back to myself.

xvi. it took two beers for me to realize that I haven’t eaten anything since i was in boston. i need to stop doing this shit, but im still getting my calories if im drinking them, right? i feel like it doesn’t make sense for recovery to be as difficult as it is, but my emotions have always interfered w my hunger cues, and my body is so accustomed to constantly being hungry that it’s not something i even notice that much anymore. I’ve been getting weird pins and needles feelings in what I’m assuming are my intestines as I’ve upped my intake and I’m afraid of them rupturing and me bleeding out internally when I’m home alone. such a pathetic way to die—having your own blood and bile and shit poison you. I doubt I’m on my deathbed, i think my system is jst on the slow path to returning to normal, but i wasn’t expecting physical symptoms aside from weight gain, which on its own, i could live w. my ednos was never as restrictive as it was until somewhat recently. my problem was generally concerned w binge eating and compensatory behavior, usually fasting or short periods of restriction or exercise. all punishment based. i can’t help but find it ridiculous that i ended up w an eating disorder despite never caring abt my weight. even when I was a high school freshman and overweight, i didn’t care. i think it’s because i dnt outwardly self harm anymore, and that self-destructive need has translated into other conduits. the scars this leaves are much more socially acceptable than what I was left w when I was younger and carved “dumb whore” into my thigh. i can’t believe i did something so stupid. im glad that finally isn’t visible anymore. i can’t believe that i’m almost 24 and still, to some extent, do shit like that.

xvii. i still have that vacation time that I took to look at apartments in massachusetts, and since that isn’t going to happen, i want to take a poorly planned solo vacation. i looked at places to stay in DC, in chicago, in nashville, but i left discouraged. nashville is too far, Chicago is too expensive, DC seems too dangerous. i think my perpetual anxiety prevents me from taking full advantage of my freedom. and I can be free. 24 hours ago, I was in Boston and I didn’t have to tell anyone I was doing that. I’ve navigated a strange place on my own. I lived to tell the tale, but I also wonder what the point is of stuff like this if I have no one to share it w. No one to reminisce w. it feels like a waste of money. almost nothing feels worth what I spend on it––time, money, calories, stop thinking abt calories.

xviii. i open another beer, basically on an empty stomach. i need to stop drinking like this, it’s not even negotiable anymore. i know this is a problem. i need to stop. i dnt know if I want to stop. i want to drown in bliss but I feel none. alcohol amplifies everything I feel, and when I’m feeling good, it’s generally very good, but when it’s bad, it gets very bad. i feel weird now so it’s amplifying the negatives. they do not need that. no, i dnt need that. i know this is an addiction. im scared, but not scared enough to do anything abt it.

xix. i still have Rebecca on social media despite everything. she’s moved, she’s no longer in my proximity, but i still have her on things even though I have no motivation to keep any sort of peace with her. I remember when things happened, when i was too drunk to stand up and she insisted on forcing herself on me anyway, after the fact she kept saying all this stuff to me abt how she wanted me to be her girlfriend and i jst sort of laid there and said nothing. i had nothing to say. i wasn’t processing what’s happened, i jst kept thinking “this is bad. that was bad” to myself. and then she never rly follows up, a small acknowledgment of culpability, maybe, but she’s moved in w some boyfriend now. it’s weird that people can do awful things to you and move on like nothing happened, and you have those moments stuck in your head, keeping you stunted, keeping you away from living uncorrupted, uninhibited, the way you should engage w it. i think of how demoralizing it is to have your perception shattered by a 30-something woman who still laughs at nyan cat shit. i think of how most discussions of sexual assault in the mainstream act as though only men are capable of it, as though it’s only ever happening in heterosexual contexts. i think of how everyone who bullied me in high school probably does not even remember it. i think it’s absurd to compare the two things but I dnt laugh.

xx. i want to talk to Justin but i have nothing to say. i dnt know what I should talk to him abt. i dnt know how you’re supposed to do this stuff. im comforted by the fact that, since he was w someone for 10 years, he’s rly out of the dating loop, and he have no idea what he’s doing either. but it’s a red flag, you know. I think we’re jst friendly. and I’m okay w that, I need friends. i want friends. i never see fati anymore these days. things w evan are polluted. ian is very far away. it occurred to me that i know very little abt him, aside from us getting along, but do we actually? how would I know? it’s not uncommon to have good conversations, for most people. but he knows more abt me than I do abt him. i dnt think i could name a single one of his interests if prompted. he probably couldn’t name one of mine that isn’t “drinking”. I’m not sure if I’m willfully ignorant of reality or if im jst assigning negativity to something without a lot of basis. i wonder why im incapable of living in the moment and not thinking too deeply abt what happens to me. i figured out what I’m doing w all the time on my hands.

xxi. everyone has been telling me lately that i should try to monetize my cooking and I dnt know if I believe them. i can’t imagine I’m as good at it as people say. i dnt trust it. im not even sure if it’s a passion, rly, i think my eating disorder has corrupted my relationship w food and i have to push harder to be interested in it normally, and this is how i cope. i might jst be on a kick. and if it actually is a passion, do i want to ruin it by making it into a living? i didn’t feel one way or the other abt hair when I went into it. it was a neutral activity. to grow to hate it is not a loss. i only care abt being good at it bc directly dealing w people makes my failures feel very personal when they happen. i know good food is something you can’t fake. i made ian spring rolls yesterday and they insisted I not watch them eat. i respected the request, but i needed to see the look on their face. I’m annoyed I didn’t. everything was eaten, I know they wouldn’t have done that if they hated them. but I only have my family to go off otherwise, and they would definitely lie to me. so i dnt know. i feel like support is untrustworthy. i know the people who won’t be honest w me, i dnt entirely trust praise from the people who I know who aren’t shy to say “it’s not my thing, I’m not crazy abt it”. i dnt know why i can’t accept that I’m good at anything.

xxii. there’s no reason for my scale to be out when i’m “trying” to “recover” but i will not put it away. i step on it anyway, and it looks like i’m 103lbs, fully clothed, stomach full of beer. i know it’s bad, but i get a weird amount of gratification from seeing it. it’s very hard to maintain a weight that low, so it feels like an accomplishment, even though it isn’t one. it’s been months since i had a period, and that adds to the sense of satisfaction. but it’s not good. obviously. it’s really getting in the way of me wanting to work out and actually improve my body. i’m fatigued. i’m foggy. i know the fact that i’m depriving myself is partially responsible for my terrible mood. i know i already had a heart problem, why on earth would i make that worse for myself? i’ve been having a few normal eating days, so i still won’t admit to myself that i’ve relapsed. i had a lava cake 5 days ago! there’s a quarter stick of butter in that! and an ounce of chocolate! i didn’t care, so obviously i’m doing something right. i know i’m not, entirely, but i’m staying positive. either that, or i’m extremely in denial. there’s still chocolate in the cabinet. no, of course i am not going to eat it.

xxiii. meg scheduled 6 people on tomorrow, so it looks like i’m not going to make any goddamn money again. my aunt is coming in, so i’ll get a little more from her, but the cash i take home there is so very inconsistent. i feel like the more money i save, the more i worry abt it, like i should have more by now. like i’m going to struggle forever. the stuff i’m buying now won’t matter in a few days, but that anxiety is always going to be over my head. i need a career change. i know that. i keep forgetting that pete gave me money for college, so my “i dnt want to be in debt” excuse is a lie. i keep telling people i’m considering going to college again but i know i never will bc i haven’t actually gotten any better at managing my time and being disciplined. i think i’m better at pretending i am, but i’m not. even if i seriously wanted to, i wouldn’t be motivated enough to actually take the steps required to re-enroll. it’s all too overwhelming. i feel like that feeling alone is a sign i’d fail.

xxiv. I’ve been saying this thing to myself a lot lately to self-soothe: “god’s in his heaven” and i dnt rly know what I mean by that. i dnt know if i believe in stuff like that, I dnt have any reason to believe that there’s any kind of order or force that presides over anything. is that what I’m talking abt? we’re all preoccupied w our own things, attending to our own futures, making our own peace to the best of our abilities? maybe? am i saying that we’ve all been abandoned, ignored? then why do I find it comforting? i dnt think my inner monologue makes a lot of sense, but i only ever talk to myself these days. maybe I’m talking abt myself in an idealized way, but I look back on the past 24 hours and see my good mood i woke up w descend, the 900 calories I’ve consumed today, the $24 I’ve made, the singular text thread I have w ian, the nothing I’ve done in the handful of hours I’ve been home, the three empty beer cans. i know i’m constantly in my own head, constantly picking myself apart, picking everything else apart. it accomplishes nothing. it’s useless self-flagellation. i’m constantly raking myself over the coals for shit that doesn’t matter, constantly agonizing over situations that aren’t actually that deep. i think that’s a way in which i lie to myself. i spend all day beating myself up over the inconsequential while never giving due attention to my actual flaws. even if i was, saying that i’m useless and stupid all the time still does nothing. it’s abt meaningful action, and i’m so bad at that, and i’m doing this exact thing again. i think i do it so i have something to point to, to say “i’m working on myself” when i’m jst being mean and self-righteous abt it. where has it gotten me? what do i want from it? do i think i can bully myself into change? do i rly think it will make me do anything other than resign to complacency? 24 hours, and a lot has happened, but i’ve still gotten nothing done. another will pass, and nothing will change. then enough days will pass, and i’ll notice everything is different, and i’ll still feel jst as stuck. i will be meaner to myself abt it. and that’s what i’ll do. over and over, until the end of time. Evan jst got home. he said something abt how sad i looked. he asked me what was wrong. i wish i had the guts to say any of it to anyone’s face, let alone his. it’s fine, it’s fine, i tell him, God’s in his heaven. whatever it is i actually mean by that.

#blog #literally do not feel obligated to read this. It is very VERY long #like my complete stream of consciousness from the past day #the stupid piece of shit bojack episode super extended directors cut #an essay in which i talk abt literally everything thats eating me and provide no solutions #the most disgustingly honest ive ever been on main #god's in his heaven

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