#also all the masks do actually have significance i have an entire essay on why i gave each animal to specific characters okay

[lovesickeros]

☆ decadence divine [ act I ]

{☆} characters arlecchino, neuvillette, furina {☆} notes yandere, drabble, gender neutral reader {☆} warnings yandere content, stalking (implied), kidnapping (implied) {☆} word count 2.3k

ARLECCHINO

Arlecchino was wont to leave social gatherings to her subordinates– the private meetings were where she thrived. It was so much easier to lure your prey into a trap when you didn't have prying eyes and ears waiting for the barest hint of blackmail.

She clicked her tongue in distaste, her eyes narrowing beneath the mask of the fox as she set down her cup sharply. It was difficult as it was to draw them from the safety of their bubble– at the slightest hint of danger, her quarry would run. A chase would be fun, but she couldn't risk getting caught here. The political nightmare it would cause..it already gave her a headache. She had to be discreet.

They weren't making it easy, however.

Which is why she never liked crowds. But this chance didn't come by every day. She wasn't going to simply let it pass by because of a little danger. She'd have them eventually, it was just a matter of how. There were already numerous of her own lingering in the crowds, hidden beneath the masks that every patron bore. It was difficult to stand out amongst the flurry of masked patrons constantly shifting around the room, moving from one conversation to another, gliding from one dance partner to another.

Her heeled boots clicked sharply against the tile as she stalked through the crowds, keeping a wide berth yet always lingering nearby– she was sure they could feel the vague sense of being watched, but with the huge crowds..her lips quirked into a grin with the barest flash of teeth. There were a great many ways to break them in– she'd spent a great amount of time and mora to get anything she could for blackmail, if she so wished. She had the backing of the Fatui as well if she played her cards right– it wouldn't be difficult to convince them that they were a valuable target, and none of them would dare to question just what she did with them afterwards.

Perhaps a bit of play, first. Test the waters. She was familiar with playing the polite gentleman, despite her status as a Fatui Harbinger. Stage something for her to intervene, perhaps, to look the hero. The look of shock when she revealed the wolf beneath the wool..she could see it already. That wide, doe-eyed look as they realized the monster they've followed blindly like a lost lamb..she was beginning to see the appeal.

All it took was a few hushed words and subtle signals before the tiles started to fall in place, her hand gliding along their lower back as she leaned over their shoulder with a thin, predatory smile. She'd have to organize for the agent to be released later, her eyes following as the Gardes dragged him out of the room in a flurry of curses, but for now..she tilted her head to peer down at them, polite and almost apologetic.

"You aren't too startled, are you? Now now, there's no need to look so..scared, poor thing. I won't let another lay a hand on you," She cooed in a sickly sweet tone, the husky rasp of her voice whispered in their ear like dripping honey. "You have my word. Now, why don't we get you some fresh air? Come. Allow me to escort you."

Her lips pulled into a jagged grin at the relief in their eyes– the blind lamb following the shepherd as it led them into it's maw. Just a little longer, and she could finally have her own caged bird– a pretty thing to admire, to protect, to possess.

Something no one else would ever touch again. Something hers.

NEUVILLETTE

Neuvillette was not one for parties. The intricacies and delicate handling of public relations he oft left in the capable hands of Furina, rather then himself. It was only at her behest he even attended at all, but he still felt rather..out of place amongst the bodies constantly shifting through the ballroom like a constant rush of water from one end to the other, no rhyme nor reason to the flow. The only thing that kept him afloat among the tides was the mask of the deer obscuring his face– even if it was exceedingly difficult to truly hide himself among the crowds, most passed over him without second thought.

Though he had to be honest with himself, even if he couldn't bring himself to admit it to Furina despite her insistence that his attendance was mandatory. He had his own reasons for coming– selfishness that left a sour taste in his mouth. It was purely by chance he'd seen the briefest glimpse of them prior, and he..was intrigued, that was all.

He refused to let his thoughts linger on the sleepless nights he spent prying every piece of information he could from loose tongues and obscure documents, every moment he managed to squeeze in between trials spent lingering in their most favored locations– cafes, stores, restaurants, the like.

Now a masquerade.

He tried not to let the guilt gnaw at his conscious, but it lingered like an age old scar that still ached.

So he relegated himself to simply residing in the further corner, nursing a goblet of water like a fine wine, trying not to let his eyes stray to the brief glimpses of them through the ever moving bodies filling the center of the room, dancing like puppets in music boxes.

Still, his hand twitched in an instinctual desire– a need to clasp his hand in their own, to touch his lips upon their knuckles, to indulge in a moment of reprieve and unshackle himself from the mantle that bears heavy upon his shoulders. He seeks reverence, worship, but not of himself– but towards the one who had drawn the eye of the dragon amongst the waves of humans he'd seen come and go for a great many years.

No one could compare, he is certain. None have left him as breathless, as hopelessly infatuated, as the one who made him wish only to kneel at their feet in senseless reverence until he could no longer speak. A hopeless man, indeed, if he has never even truly met them.

Instead he's spent his time prying into their life from the shadows. Caution, or simple cowardice?

He dares not ponder.

Yet in his ceaseless pondering he'd blocked out the world without, failing to notice the figure stepping up beside him until their hand brushed against his elbow– just the briefest touch, but it had his pupils narrowing and his entire body tensing like a coiled spring. That touch..bliss. It left him breathless and lightheaded as he tilted his head to regard them, his lips parting in a shaky sigh. They are as beautiful as he remembers– even with their face obscured beneath the mask, he would never forget them.

"Greetings, Monsieur– I hope I didn't frighten you too much." Their laugh made him feel rather faint, just the sound of their voice making his hand tighten around his cane. "..Not at all. I was simply lost in thought." He admitted apologetically, trying to reign in the urge to cup their face between his palms. A dangerous thought. He didn't want to scare them off when they'd provided him a priceless opportunity.

"My apologies, you must have needed something. It was rude of me to have been so absorbed in my thoughts to have ignored you." He continued, gently turning to set his goblet down– offer them his full attention, be a gentleman. The words rang in his skull like a ceaseless alarm, blaring and rattling his thoughts as he gently took their hand in his own. It was a split second decision– an indulgence, but he could simply not help himself. Even with his gloves between them, he felt like he was going to lose his composure just from such a brief touch..

He truly was a hopeless man before an altar, praying for a salvation he intends to bury deep beneath the waves– to keep it hidden in the darkness of the depths that only he can reach. A selfish man, he must be, to even think of it, but it is an itch that he cannot scratch. A need that must be satisfied. He cannot allow any hands but his own to tend to them, to know what it feels to touch them, to hear their voice and see their eyes as he prays– prays like a man starved, devotion born of desperation.

"I hope I did not make you wait too long." He smiles, soft and affectionate, like the bloom of spring beneath the winters chill– yet just as deadly, only masked by the sweet fragrance of flowers.

He had waited too long.

No longer.

FURINA

Furina was right at home amongst the crowds– where the masks obscured the identities of most, it was impossible to not recognize the charming banter of the Hydro Archon beneath the mask of the lamb as she graced the masquerade with her presence, speaking with a silver tongue to any who would listen. A truly enthralled audience fitting for the grandest of performers in Fontaine.

But her eyes lingered not on the people who's praise dripped from their lips like honey– yet so very bitter upon her tongue. Even the mask obscuring her expression did little to hide the longing that had her visibly deflating like a popped balloon. She hated all the eyes on her, really– it was suffocating. She was only putting on a show in the foolish hope that they'd finally pay attention to her. Just her luck, she supposes, that instead she's had to throw herself straight into the role of Archon without a pay off..

They hadn't even spared her a glance! It would be infuriating if not for the fact she couldn't even keep her composure just seeing them across the room. They didn't even have to look at her and she could feel the heat rush to her ears as she forced another smile at the crowd gathered around her. It was unfair how easily they could fluster her without even knowing it– her heart was thumping so hard against her ribcage she felt like it might burst.

Her only solace was the fact none of the patrons seemed to realize she'd clocked out of the conversation, her thoughts and eyes lingering on the distant figure– what a lovestruck fool she makes..it was a chance encounter she'd seen them during one of her outings. That was all it took to enthrall her, evidentially, try as she might to have ignore it for months.

They never left her mind for longer then a day, in the end, and she had to face the fact they had managed to enrapture her so deeply she felt like a newborn lamb learning to walk whenever she so much as thought of them. What an embarrassment! She..she was the Archon, she had a reputation to maintain, she couldn't be seen fawning over a human.

But oh, she still longed for it, beneath the veneer of a God. She'd watched them more times then she'd admit even to herself, wishing to find herself in place of those who'd hands were cradled so casually in their own– to hear their voice, their laughter, as often as she pleased..like a fine delicacy she so badly wished to taste, yet so far from her reach.

Would they think her pathetic for her infatuation? She pursed her lips at the thought, trying to bury the sour mood beneath her faux image of the Archon. Yet it lingered, and with only the quietest of excuses, she slipped into the crowd like a ghost– she needed to leave before she did something..stupid. Neuvillette would surely have a few choice words with her if she did, and she was inclined to avoid such a fate.

She..she just needed a moment to collect herself was all. That was it. She could go back to playing Archon for a little longer, she just needed a moment to herself. At the very least, the balcony had been regarded as off limits so late into the party– which gave her an opportunity to slip out of the public view for the briefest of moments. A welcome reprieve– she was starting to feel suffocated amongst the crowds.

Perhaps on instinct, she reached for the mask, lifting ever so slightly away..only to let out a startled yelp at the touch of a hand on her shoulder, the mask slipping back into place far too easily. It made her lightheaded, even now, but she dared not to dwell on it.

But when she turned sharply on her heel to chew out the person who'd followed her and had the gall to scare her..oh, she was done for, her ears flush with heat. The brief glimpse of their eyes beneath the mask, the curl of their lips as they smiled– her heart stuttered in her chest, and she was certain it had stopped all together when they clasped her hand.

"Y–you.." She wanted to be angry, to brush them off and leave with her rationality in tact, but the warmth of their hands on her skin rendered her speechless. She was no better then a fish on land, struggling to fill her lungs with air as she drew in a shaky breath. "Ahem, you caught me off guard. That's all. Surely you do not make it a habit to sneak up on people?" She huffed in indignation, trying to mask the fluster that threatened to break through her carefully crafted facade.

Ah, what a cruel twist of fate..she'd slipped away to escape their allure, but here they were, dragging her back into their orbit without even knowing how deep her infatuation ran. They were alone, too..it was a chance she wasn't sure she'd ever get again.

Maybe, just this once, she could do something for herself rather then everyone else.

She buried her guilt, the fear– buried it beneath the need to be seen.

"But if you want to make it up to me.."

#genshin impact #genshin impact yandere #genshin yandere #neuvillette x reader #yandere neuvillette #yandere neuvillette x reader #arlecchino x reader #yandere arlecchino #yandere arlecchino x reader #furina x reader #yandere furina #yandere furina x reader #fic tag #pats neuvillette this noodle dragon can be so pathetic #aiming for pathetic desperate and slightly guilty. it gnaws at him knowing he's keeping you like a bird in a cage #esp if you react extremely negatively hes like a kicked puppy #not outwardly but internally hes a MESS. sobbing crying wailing #furina and neuvi sopping wet kittens u found in a cardboard box in an alley #vs arle thinking abt all the crimes shes going 2 commit in the process w/o an ounce of guilt. blackmail? check. kidnapping? check. #a little murder for flavor. as u can see im coping horribly w being practically snowed in rn i need 2 be put down #its like 4 degrees out rn (fahrenheit) and getting colder ueueueue i am dying.......... #only thing keeping me going is my furinameow plushie coming. eventually. staying strong just for her................. #also needs 2 be mentioned all the stories r separate ksjfkhdsf #no not everyone in fontaine is yan and trying 2 kidnap sorry for getting ur hopes up.. #yet #anyway u cant convince me arle isn't bribing (or just straight up forcing) her agents into doing stupid shit so she can “save” you #and make you owe her #two silly goofy little creatures vs the personification of gaslight gatekeep girlboss (heavy on the gaslight) #also split this up in 3 parts bc. lol. lmao. im not writing 9 characters at once goodbye #also all the masks do actually have significance i have an entire essay on why i gave each animal to specific characters okay

[gerdi-ringbell]

What is Sleep Token's trilogy of albums about?

This is my own take on the story behind the album trilogy. First of all, special thanks to Daria Urbanovich for translating this article into English.

Author’s note

Above all, I would like to state a few crucial aspects:

Everything that is written in this essay is solely my perception, the author's reflection and understanding of it. I do not claim to be aware of the truth.

I shall focus entirely on the characters and images, without in any way involving the personalities of the people who stand behind the project. I perceive the whole story as fiction, and I do not mean to speculate on the relation to the actual life of any of the members of the group. Vessel is the narrator here, the lead character in the songs, and the stage persona, not the person under the mask.

This essay would not have existed without a few pieces of material written by others, which I referenced in one way or another. Namely: a breakdown of "Aqua Regia" from the Genius website, as well as song translations and album decodings from the Sleep Token Russian community that deal with aspects that I shall touch upon in no detail.

Preface

Like many other people who are interested not only in the music, but also in the lore of Sleep Token, from the very beginning I have been trying to understand the story behind the fine words.

I read other people's articles and analyses, dug through the lyrics and created my own theories, but the picture just would not come together. Still I had the feeling that something was missing. This was very much the case with the debut album ‘Sundowning’. However, when ‘Take Me Back to Eden’ was finally released, everything fell into place. The last piece of the puzzle had been found.

While reading the breakdown of ‘Aqua Regia’ and ‘Rain’, I figured out what exactly was the missing piece. It is commonly believed that all of Sleep Token's songs are about Sleep (presumably the goddess). However, I shall say that they are about three (or rather, most of the time about two) different women. For my own convenience, I shall call them Sleep, Eden and Rain (I will explain why these names were chosen later on). I shall make it clear at once that Sleep is here precisely as a woman, a character in the story, not as the goddess the band allegedly worships.

With a sudden awareness, the picture rapidly became clearer. It is worth taking a step back and point out that the narrative of the albums is not entirely chronologically accurate. It is designed in such a way that the whole story can be fully understood only when all three albums can be juxtaposed together. Thus, this is what explains the seeming disorder. Now, let us cut to the chase.

The way I see the story

It all begins with Eden. She is Vessel's first (at least in the context of this story) lover. The relationship with her is perfect and harmonious, like heaven (hence ‘Eden’). She is the one whom Vessel sees as the lifelong sweetheart. But, alas, there is a break in this dream-like story, allegedly Alzheimer's disease (as ‘The Night Does Not Belong to God’ tells us, alluding to the ‘sundown syndrome’ that can be observed in someone with the disease). ‘The Night Does Not Belong to God’ is the first one on the album, and it begins the theme of memory loss that runs through the other songs dedicated to Eden.

“And you remember everything Only 'til the sun recedes once again”

And with it begins the theme of a premonition of death.

“I know for the last time You will not be mine So give me the night, the night, the night”

It all drifts into ‘Levitate’, filled with despair at the awareness of imminent loss.

“Will you levitate Up where the angels inhabit? Will you levitate Where I won't reach you?”

Here also starts a significant imagery line that runs (to a greater or lesser extent) through all three albums love and relationship are compared to water.

“Like water, a perfect flood Engulfing me again, oh”

Once again, this all ties in with a line of loss of memories – paradise crumbles as Eden loses more and more of herself to her illness. It becomes increasingly difficult to live as before.

“And we imitate A story of perfect days A ballad we fabricate As you forget your words again, oh”

And.

“And I can tell you won't Remember my cracking bones The trauma we can't regrow Just as you leave again, no”

By “leave again” may be meant another loss of memories. Each time the oblivion becomes longer, the memories are fewer and fewer, and the point of no return is closer.

The theme of loss reaches its climax in ‘Drag Me Under’. For Vessel, it is a kind of farewell. The moment when even the angels find no words and when the gods leave heaven is the moment of utmost despair and silent grief.

“And I know The angels tonight are As lost for words As I am”

Moreover, one can observe here another feature characteristic of the tracks dedicated to Eden, a different form of divine theme. Gods and angels seem as faraway supreme beings, and the lyrics themselves are more ‘down-to-earth’.

“And I know The Gods will Abandon the heavens just to find us”

In the lyrics connected with Sleep (that is, in most of them) one gets the impression of the presence of some supreme being, which Vessel seems to try to reach, it is her image that is most ‘deified’ (hence the choice of name), despite the fact that Eden is juxtaposed with paradise. An excellent example is, for instance, ‘High Water’:

“And I choke myself on sacred vapour Waiting on some holy favour”

However, we shall talk about Sleep a little later.

The tipping point for Vessel is ‘Atlantic’. Unable to cope with the loss of his beloved, and probably partly blaming himself for her death, he attempts suicide, but survives.

“I woke up surrounded, eyes like frozen planets Just orbiting the vacuum I am They talk me through the damage, consequence And how it's a pain they know they don't understand Sobbing as they turn to statues at the bedside I'm trying not to crush into sand So flood me like Atlantic, weather me to nothing Wash away the blood on my hands”

It is the beginning of his vicious cycle of suffering, from which he shall not be able to break for a long time. In a sense, ‘Atlantic’ is the starting point of the story, the beginning of a journey deep into Vessel’s mind, his hang-ups and traumas, his self-reflection, expressed in the music and lyrics on all the albums. This is where his darkness begins.

And it is right here where a new phase begins. Although Eden is dead, for Vessel himself life goes on. As time passes, he begins a new relationship with the one to whom most of the tracks are dedicated, Sleep. And their romance is revealed with a genuinely dark side. The tracks dedicated to her flit between two edges – a morbid obsession (like ‘The Offering’, ‘Take Aim’, ‘Hypnosis’, ‘Mine’) and cruelty and toxicity (like ‘Dark Signs’, ‘Higher’, ‘Like That’, ‘Granite’).

In some ways, Vessel is trapped in this relationship. Sleep does not like him, which she does not even particularly hide, but continues to take advantage of him when she needs to. There are plenty of hints, for example, in ‘Say That You Will’.

“And you've got me up in a frenzy again And I know you're planning to leave in the end”

In ‘Higher’.

“Cause you can remember only when you're alone I am granting you more than the debt that I owe”

And in ‘Like That’.

“I stumble into your tar trap An addition to your collection”

And an interesting moment in ‘When the Bough Breaks’.

“You don't really love, you just hate to be alone”

Both the EPs ‘One’ and ‘Two’ are also tied to the story, as we can see with ‘Take Me Back to Eden’, but more on that later.

Perhaps the most vivid examples in this regard are ‘Fall For Me’ and ‘The Love You Want’, both of which speak entirely of Vessel's one-sided love, but the second song is quite interesting lyrically.

“You lie an inch apart on your own continuum Now keep the freak show talk to a careful minimum I'll find a different harbor to lay my anchor in And you'll find a different way to keep from setting sail again, no”

Just as in ‘Jericho’, the theme of physical but not emotional intimacy is touched on here. To put it crudely, in this relationship Vessel occasionally acts as somebody to spend the night with, which Sleep turns to when there is no one else to go to (here again one might think of ‘Higher’). The relationship theme develops through aquatic metaphors (here as ‘harbor’ and ‘sailing’).

“Seems your heart is locked up and I still get the combination wrong Or are you simply waiting to save your love for someone I am not? Too many swallowed keys will make you bleed internally someday”

Vessel is well aware of the futility of his attempts at making himself solid with Sleep, but he is unable to stop – he is addicted. Vessel is obsessed with this relationship. To be more precise, he is obsessed with the idea of what they can be. Here we look into ‘Telomeres’.

Later on we shall analyse this track in more detail, but for now let us think again about the comparison of relationship to water.

“Rivers and oceans We could beckon, no Your eyes and your limbs Are instruments to pick apart The distance within”

Eden was the perfect match for Vessel, the kind of soul mate that many of people can only dream. Their relationship became for him the eminent example, the etalon of what he strives for. It is through the lens of their love with Eden that he perceives all his subsequent relationships. Roughly said, he is not looking for a new partner with whom he can build a future, but someone who can replace his missing love.

Trapped in an addictive bond with Sleep, Vessel desperately tries to make this relationship ideal, even as he realises how unrealistic his desire is. He is split between aggression when Sleep does not meet his expectations once they are together and obsessive despair when they are apart again. That is the picture of their mutually toxic relationship.

As I mentioned, most of the tracks on the first two albums reveal this very issue, but ‘Blood Sport’ is particularly interesting to me in this context.

Overall, the song is a remorse and a plea for another chance, another attempt. Despite the harshness of their relationship, Vessel begs for forgiveness. Nevertheless, I want to draw special attention to these lines.

“And out there Stuck in a quantum pattern Tangled with what I never said You say it doesn't matter”

Frankly, it seems to me like a gaslighting to which Vessel was subjected by Sleep. It also ties in with his mental condition, which is better revealed already on the album ‘Take Me Back to Eden’. Thus, in general, we have understood the first two albums. Let us move on to the third one.

Unlike the first two, ‘Take Me Back to Eden’ is much more (though also not completely) linear in its story (although in general terms ‘Sundowning’ can be perceived as a slow prologue and ‘This Place Will Become Your Tomb’ as the main part) and is the final chapter. I shall not examine in detail the songs ‘Chokehold’, ‘The Summoning’ and ‘Vore’, as they simply continue to look at the general theme of the relationship with Sleep from different angles.

The turning point is ‘Granite’. It is a moment of realisation about the nature of their relationship, with all their mutual grievances, recriminations and manipulations. It is as if Vessel is reading the room for the first time.

“When you'd sit there acting likе you know me Acting like you only brought me here to get below me Never mind the death threats, parting at the door We'd rather be six feet under than be lonely And if you had a problem, then you should have told me 'Fore you started getting all aggressive and controlling”

Vessel, for the first time, truly decides to overcome his addiction and break free from the vicious cycle in which nothing good awaits him. His relationship with Sleep is doomed, they could never be happy together, but he realises this only now.

“Between the second-hand smoke and the glass on the street You gave me nothing whatsoever but a reason to leave You say you want me, but you know I'm not what you need But I am”

Speaking briefly about ‘Aqua Regia’, the song metaphorically refers to dating apps and the short-lived romances. From the perspective of the story, it can be seen that Vessel has indeed broken off his relationship with Sleep, but still feels the necessity to be loved, which causes him to fall into a cycle of such affairs. However, one important detail for understanding some of the things that follow.

“Gold rush, acid flux Saturate me, I can't get enough”

The desperate chase for a relationship that never leads to satisfaction. In these temporary acquaintances, he does not find the one who becomes his lover.

Move on to ‘Ascensionism’. In its structure, it creates a kind of picture of struggle, of withdrawal from previous painful relationship. The song begins with longing and regret.

“Well, I know what you want from me You want someone to be Your reflection, your bitter deception Setting you free So you take what you want and leave”

It is the pain of having to break up with Sleep. Vessel realises the necessity of it, but cannot cope with the longing, like a man with an addiction trying to cure himself. But suddenly the melody becomes cheerful and energetic, and musings about their romance are mixed with impressions of the new fast-paced affairs he throws himself into, only to overcome these feelings. The song flow from one line to the next rapidly, like a chaotic stream, underscoring attempts to drown out one thought with another.

“Who made you like this? Who encrypted your dark gospel in body language? Synapses snap back in blissful anguish Tell me you met me in past lives, past life Past what might be eating me from the inside, darling Half algorithm, half deity Glitches in the code or gaps in a strange dream”

Then a sudden breakdown – rage, pain, resentment – as one of the experience stages.

“You're gonna watch me ascend”

The storm dies down, replaced again by humility, almost acceptance. But this time Vessel is more focused on himself and his own feelings.

“And I know what you want from me You want the same as me My redemption, eternal ascension Setting me free So I'll take what I want then leave”

And then, the final breakdown.

“You make me wish I could disappear, no You make me wish I could disappear”

The whole ‘Ascensionism’ is just a picture of the emotional rollercoaster that Vessel goes through, having to cope with the break-up alone. Although their relationship with Sleep was toxic, he was addicted, which makes the break-up so traumatic. However, this time he does not attempt to return, he moves on.

Here I shall take a slight step back from Vessel's relationship with Sleep and come back to Eden, because herein lies a little internal trilogy from ‘Telomeres’, ‘Are You Really Okay?’ and ‘The Apparition’, revealing the effects of their relationship on Vessel himself. In all honesty, this is probably my favourite part of the jigsaw puzzle.

Return to ‘Telomeres’ for a second, especially to these lines.

“Let the tides carry you back to me The past, the future Through death My arms are open”

Even though Eden is dead, Vessel still loves her. He misses her and longs to be reunited, so that even death will not be an obstacle for them. But you have to be careful what you wish for, because it can come true.

This is where we come to ‘Are You Really Okay?’, which draws us a picture of Vessel's dream, which begins with a beautiful image of his beloved in the dawn sun, but soon it all turns into a nightmare.

“You woke me up one night Dripping crimson on the carpet I saw it in your eyes Cutting deeper than the scars could run”

Memories of Eden's self-harm and suicidal tendencies haunt Vessel at nights. The illness probably aggravated her already difficult emotional state (as the single ‘The Way That You Were’ also hints at). I mentioned at the very beginning, when analysing ‘Atlantic’, that Vessel might have blamed himself for her death.

“So flood me like Atlantic, weather me to nothing Wash away the blood on my hands”

Knowing Eden's tendency to self-harm and her suicidal thoughts, one day he might simply not have saved her in time, making him feel responsible for what happened because he did not see the red flags in time or take enough action (from his point of view) to stop her.

“And I I cannot fix your wounds this time”

‘The Apparition’ is a moment of awakening from a nightmare. As Vessel wished, his beloved returns to him, albeit only at night, even if only in nightmares.

“Why are you never real? Whenever you appear You leave me with that grace I am trembling with fear But I know that you will disappear Just as I awake”

No matter how much time has passed, he cannot recover from this loss.

“No matter what I do This scar will never fade”

Although these dreams are a kind of torture for him, Vessel is pleased with them because he briefly reunites with Eden, seeing her end up committing suicide.

“I make the most of the turning tide It just split what's left of the burning silence Don't wait, 'cause this could be the last time You turn up in the reveries of my mind I wake up to a suicide frenzy Loaded dreams still leave me empty”

“I make the most of the turning tide” ties in directly with ‘Telomeres’ – “Let the tides carry you back to me”. Just as Vessel wanted, the waters brought his beloved back to him, even if not in the way one might have wished. However, the awakenings are painful for him, because they remind him that in reality, Eden has long been dead. It is an endless cycle of nightmare dreams and an equally nightmarish reality. Vessel is caught between the desire to be free and the unwillingness to let go.

“Just let me go or take me with you”

‘DYWTYLM’ is a ballad about Vessel's self-reflection, his attempts to figure out his own feelings. Many of the songs on the album show his complicated relationship with himself, but this one makes the issue a centerpiece. The pain of loss, guilt and a long toxic relationship broke him down.

“Do you pull at the chains? Or do you push into constant aching? Each and every day Do you wish that you loved me?”

I do like the theory that the whole track is he, talking to his own reflection in the mirror.

“Is there something you give That you will never receive in return? Do you know what it is? Do you wish that you loved me?”

In many ways, it echoes his reflections on unrequited love, particularly ‘The Love You Want’. These two songs have both many slight opposites and are very similar thematically – love for oneself or for another, the desire to love or to be loved.

“And my reflection just won't smile back at me likе I know it should And I would turn into a stranger in an instant if I could And there is somеthing eating me alive, I don’t know what it is Maybe not that you conceal your feelings, they just don't exist”

The whole track portrays a picture of Vessel's dark and traumatised inner world. In a way, here he is looking back at his past and trying to figure out who he has become. ‘DYWTYLM’ is on this place on the album for a reason, because the next song is ‘Rain’.

‘Rain’ is, in a sense, the finale of the story, as both ‘Take Me Back to Eden’ and ‘Euclid’ are a kind of conclusion, although in different ways. And this is where she appears – Rain (where the name comes from, obviously), Vessel’s new love.

Now, in order. Time passes after the break-up with Sleep; amongst the myriad of new fast-paced affairs, none can lead to anything.

“For so long, I have waited So long that I almost became Just a stoic statue, fit for nobody”

Exactly until the moment, he meets her, Rain.

“And I don't wanna get in your way But I finally think I can say That the vicious cycle was over The moment you smiled at me”

She shows reciprocity, and it is not some little affair. In Vessel’s eyes, she is the one, who becomes his hope for a new serious (and healthy) relationship, for breaking the endless cycle of viciousness. However, we ought not to forget that he himself, as we see in ‘DYWTYLM’, has enormous difficulty accepting himself, and therefore finds himself unworthy of a partner (“And I don't wanna get in your way”).

Nevertheless, he believes that Rain is the woman who can become ‘the one’ for him. That is why she is like the purifying rain (remember the constant thread of comparing love to water). Beside her, Vessel becomes the best version of himself.

“And just like the rain You cast the dust into nothing And wash out the salt from my hands So touch me again I feel my shadow dissolving Will you cleanse me with pleasure?”

However, he is not forgetting that he is far from an ideal partner. Mutual toxicity, demanding the impossible, manipulation – all the things he has done and been in the past relationship.

“A dangerous disposition somehow Refracted in light, reflected in sound I'm coiled up like the venomous serpent”

He is caught between his fear of returning to this darker side of himself, being the cause of his new lover's suffering, and his desire to give himself another chance and enter into a new relationship. In doing so, he openly warns her of his dark sides. The last line is especially important.

“And I know, I know the way that it goes You get what you give, you reap what you sow And I can see you in my fate And I know, I know I am what I am The mouth of the wolf, the eyes of the lamb So darling, will you saturate?”

Here we return to ‘Aqua Regia’, to the line “Saturate me, I can't get enough”. The endless chase for a relationship ends. Rain is the one who can ‘saturate’ him, meaning an affair with her can lead to a serious long-term relationship.

Here, through a wonderfully subtle reference to ‘Blood Sport’ and the subsequent repetition of “Rain down on me”, we see that despite all the worries and fears, Vessel finally decides to start a new chapter of his life together with a new love.

“Nobody can say for certain If maybe it's all just a game When I open my eyes to the future I can hear you say my name”

‘Take Me Back to Eden’, it seems to me, is not even so much an epilogue as a kind of ‘confession’, leaving some hint of an open ending to the story. It is Vessel's reflection on his past with both Eden and Sleep, and the leftover longing and pain, which he has not been able to let go.

“I dream in phosphorescence Bleed through spaces See you drifting past the fog But no one told you where to go We dive through crystal waters Perfect oceans But no one told me not to breathe And now the weightlessness recedes”

Even in the new chapter of his life, his past relationships and the pain he has endured continue to drag him down. After the rather encouraging ‘Rain’, ‘Take Me Back to Eden’ seems rather bleak and despairing.

“My, my, those eyes like fire I'm a winged insect, you're a funeral pyre Come now, bite through these wires I'm a waking hell and thе gods grow tired”

His morbid desire for a perfect relationship has not gone anywhere.

“I will travel far beyond the path of reason Take me back to Eden”

The song in many ways shows the vivid image of introspection from ‘DYWTYLM’, but in a more aggressive and desperate way.

“Well, yeah, I spit blood when I wake up Sink porcelain stained, choking up brain matter and make-up Just two days since the mainframe went down and I'm still messed up Room feels like a meat freezer I dangle in like cold cuts Missed calls, answer phones from people I just don't trust”

Mostly the song draws a rather gloomy picture of the recognition that there is no going back, what has been done cannot be undone, and the pain caused cannot be taken away.

“And I don't know what's got its teeth in me But I'm about to bite back in anger No amount of self-sought fury Will bring back the glory of innocence”

Coming right after ‘Rain’, ‘Take Me Back to Eden’ seems to hint at the continuation of the vicious cycle. The vivid reference to ‘Chokehold’ at the end of the song is especially evident – we go back to the beginning of this cycle: addiction, pain, break-up, suffering. Yet, the song does not give an obvious answer as to where the relationship with Rain comes to, as the whole picture is drawn as if from ‘inside’, through inner fears and concerns, rather than through what is going on.

Then, here is the long-awaited ‘Euclid’. To be honest, I think that the song has almost nothing to do with the story. It sums up the whole Sleep Token oeuvre (that is why it consists almost entirely of references).

There is a surprising change of mood again. After the dark and heavy ‘Take Me Back to Eden’, ‘Euclid’ sounds like a new hope, though with a touch of quiet melancholy. It is a kind of what-will-be look into the future, a desire to move forward, no matter what lies ahead. It is a lovely picture of ‘walking off into the sunset’.

“If my fate is a bad collision, and if My mind is an open highway Give me the twilight two-way vision Give me one last ride on a sunset sky lane”

I should be honest – I like the theory that this song is an appeal to the audience, a thank-you for being part of this journey.

“The night belongs to you This bough has broken through I must be someone new”

The repetition of the lines from ‘The Night Does Not Belong to God’ is a wonderful way of putting the lid on the matter and pointing out that this story is over. It is the end of a fragment of the band’s history, and only a few people know what is ahead.

***

So now, the picture is complete. I want to bring up one more question – so what is really the message of Sleep, for the spread of which Sleep Token came into being? I have wondered for a long time, would this ubiquitous ancient god really preach about such down-to-earth things as unrequited love or toxic relationships? But what if we've all been misunderstanding the very concept of the message all along?

I believe that what it is all about is not hidden in the texts at all, as one might think. God's message is much broader than that, and is not something that can be wrapped up in words like that. Because it is about healing through music. Yes, just like that.

Have you ever felt that any of the songs touches your heart, touches a definite string of your soul? If yes, then congratulations, you have received and understood the message. It is not about love and relationships at all, it is about letting your emotions, your hidden pain flow out through your music and giving yourself permission to move on. The theme of love in this context becomes very clear, as it is familiar to many of us. I remember that when I first have to know the band, I described my feelings this way – "they are opening up wounds in my soul that I didn't realise I had, to let them bleed and finally heal".

I feel like this is the very essence of the band’s idea.

So why exactly was Vessel chosen as the ‘preacher’? Precisely because he has been through so much and the story that this narrator told us in the three albums was a heavy burden for him. Throughout Sleep Token's existence, he gradually healed, became more confident, showing by his example the influence of Sleep, which is not at all present in the songs, as is commonly thought.

***

Finally, a couple of words about the EPs ‘One’, ‘Two’, the singles, and their relation to the story. Here we are going a little bit beyond the lore, because I think the concept of the story that is told on the three albums was already formed closer to ‘Sundowning’, and the first EPs could have been just first steps. The direction in which the band was going to work was already clear, but the details were still unsettled. So the songs on those albums, while related to history (as we understand from the references to them in various places on ‘Take Me Back to Eden’), but the connection is more abstract and blurred.

Thank you, if you have made it through.

Worship.

#sleep token #sleeptoken #sleeptoken vessel #sleep token vessel #take me back to eden #this place will become your tomb #sundowning #tmbte #tpwbyt #fandom analysis

[itcamefromthetoybox]

Gatorland’s Most Wanted

Let me take you back in time, dear readers, to a magical period called “The 1990’s.” In this strange time, we didn’t have Netflix, or YouTube, or anything like that. Instead, if you wanted to watch a show, you went to a place called a “Video Rental Store,” and paid to rent a plastic rectangle called a “VHS.” It would be a movie or a few episodes of a TV show that you would watch and then physically bring back to the store after about 3-4 days or so. As a kid, I loved renting VHS tapes, and some of my favorite tapes to rent were episodes of the original “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.” So imagine my sheer joy, readers, when I walked into a store this week and saw the original toys for reasonable prices. For a moment, I was 9 again. I didn’t have taxes, or bills, or a chronic illness. I had utter bliss. And that’s why we’re looking at “TMNT Classic Leatherhead,” because I want to relive my childhood wonder!

I freaking love the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I just wanna get that out there. I freaking adore them. I could write whole essays on why Michelangelo and Raphael constantly alternate as my favorite character. I could present an entire analysis on what makes Bebop and Rocksteady such great villains. I could do a powerpoint on why the rivalry between Shredder and Master Splinter is the stuff of legends. Basically, I’m going into this with some biases, and those biases were born of love.

Pretty sure you already know who the Ninja Turtles are, but if not, let’s do a quick overview: while the details as a whole change from series to series, with each show or comic universe being a fresh start for the characters, the basics stay the same: exposure to a strange ooze mutates four baby turtles into humanoid turtles who are then trained by rat who was also mutated (sometimes he is a man who became a rat, and sometimes he is a rat who became a rat-man) in the art of ninjutsu. They find themselves in conflict with aliens, other mutants, and their most significant foes, the ninja clan known as The Foot, and its leader, the masked warrior called The Shredder. Surprisingly, this premise has led to some dark, serious stories, and the original comics were very much not aimed at kids, dealing with themes such as child soldiers, the endless cycle of vengeance and violence and how it warps all it touches, prejudice, and the death of loved ones. The series people tend to think of, though, is the very fun and campy cartoon from the 80’s, which is where Leatherhead, the subject of today’s review, comes from.

Leatherhead is a character whose specific deal varies depending on which series you look at. Sometimes, he’s pretty sympathetic, wanted to lash out at those who hurt him and to take care of his friends. Sometimes, he’s very much someone who has become a villain due to letting his hate for his enemies consume him. And sometimes, he’s an alligator from Florida with a shotgun and a bear trap who talks like he came from the most stereotypical part of Louisiana. We’re looking at that version, because he is delightful.

Offensively Cajun.

I love how this toy looks. Every part of his design is so different from what most action figures do, where the figure is standing upright, arms at the side and face with a stoic expression, or just so riddled with joints that it detracts from the looks of the thing. Leatherhead’s hunched over, posed like he’s ready for the hunt, and clearly grinning sinisterly. His vest and pants are torn and ragged to show that they’re clearly not made for him and that he’s forced his way into them, and his hat’s plopped down on his head in a way that screams “swamp man.” His entire look is a lot of fun. Also, while his belt is unpainted, making some details on it hard to see, it actually has a lot of things hanging from it: ammo, bait, and various critters Leatherhead’s caught and intends to eat. It also has a place to store Leatherhead’s gun when he’s not on the hunt. His design’s very animated and fun to look at. Which Leatherhead’s belt and accessories lack paint, he himself is very colorful and blatantly a a toy. His design and paint job scream “play with me!”

In terms of articulation, Leatherhead’s alright. He has very basic articulation in that his legs, arms, neck, and tail move. That’s nothing too surprising. His mouth can open and close, which is delightful, though, he loses points because his head’s a bit loose. I can feel it wiggle when I turn it, and even though I know it’s fine and the head is in no danger, it does annoy me.

The state mascot of Florida: an alligator with a shotgun.

Leatherhead comes with two accessories: a shotgun and a bear trap. This is delightful. Those accessories go along perfectly with how cartoonishly stereotypical he is, which is fine because he’s a cartoon character from the 80’s-90’s. His accessories are fun little things for kids to play with, so they’re fun, simple things. The shotgun fits nicely in Leatherhead’s hands and can attach to his belt, and the bear trap opens and closes. It’s not spring-loaded, but that’s a good thing because otherwise someone’s losing a finger. Probably me. I make bad choices sometimes. Now, his belt is removable, which I guess makes it count as an accessory, but I didn’t want to risk damaging it, so I refused to take it off for pics. Leatherhead comes wearing it, so I just left it as is.

One bag of meth away from being Florida’s new state flag.

Leatherhead does have one big issue that I want to point out. Due to how he’s sculpted, his balance is a bit off and he falls over easily. That’s pretty much it. He’s from an era where toys were played with and then set aside to be played with more later, so “standing perfectly balanced for display” really wasn’t on the designers’ minds. You can get him to balance, but it’s going to take a little effort.

Strutting his stuff on the catwalk.

Leatherhead and the other “TMNT Classic” toys are available at mass retail, but I’d actually be hard-pressed to give you a price range. I’ve seen the figures at some stores for about $20, but I found Leatherhead and a bunch of other figures at Target for $11 as the standard price. They weren’t on discount or special sale or anything. Their regular price was $11. The toys are aimed at ages 4 and up, and I would absolutely recommend them. They’re fun to play with, delightful characters, and just all around a joy. And the boxes have character bios on the back, so kids can be introduced to the characters. I would absolutely say to go out and get them. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go play with Leatherhead and relive the magic of my youth again. This is JS signing off and wishing you Happy Toy Hunting!

#tmnt #teenage mutant ninja turtles #leatherhead #toy #toys #review #reviews #toy review

[a-book-dragon]

A.2.17 Aren’t most people too stupid for a free society to work?

- Anarchy Works, FAQ

We are sorry to have to include this question in an anarchist FAQ, but we know that many political ideologies explicitly assume that ordinary people are too stupid to be able to manage their own lives and run society. All aspects of the capitalist political agenda, from Left to Right, contain people who make this claim.

Be it Leninists, fascists, Fabians or Objectivists, it is assumed that only a select few are creative and intelligent and that these people should govern others.Usually, this elitism is masked by fine, flowing rhetoric about “freedom,” “democracy” and other platitudes with which the ideologues attempt to dull people’s critical thought by telling them what they want to hear.It is, of course, also no surprise that those who believe in “natural” elites always class them-selves at the top. We have yet to discover an “objectivist”, for example, who considers themselves part of the great mass of “second-handers” (it is always amusing to hear people who simply par-rot the ideas of Ayn Rand dismissing other people so!) or who will be a toilet cleaner in the unknown “ideal” of “real” capitalism.

Everybody reading an elitist text will consider him or her-self to be part of the “select few.” It’s “natural” in an elitist society to consider elites to be natural and yourself a potential member of one!Examination of history shows that there is a basic elitist ideology which has been the essential rationalisation of all states and ruling classes since their emergence at the beginning of the Bronze Age

(“if the legacy of domination had had any broader purpose than the support of hierarchical and class interests, it has been the attemp to exorcise the belief in public competence from social discourse itself.”[Bookchin,The Ecology of Freedom, p. 206]).

This ideology merely changes its outer garments, not its basic inner content over time.

During the Dark Ages, for example, it was coloured by Christianity, being adapted to the needs of the Church hierarchy. The most useful “divinely revealed” dogma to the priestly elite was“original sin”: the notion that human beings are basically depraved and incompetent creatures who need “direction from above,” with priests as the conveniently necessary mediators between ordinary humans and “God.” The idea that average people are basically stupid and thus incapable of governing themselves is a carry over from this doctrine, a relic of the Dark Ages.

In reply to all those who claim that most people are “second-handers” or cannot develop any-thing more than “trade union consciousness,” all we can say is that it is an absurdity that cannot withstand even a superficial look at history, particularly the labour movement. The creative powers of those struggling for freedom is often truly amazing, and if this intellectual power and inspiration is not seen in “normal” society, this is the clearest indictment possible of the deadening effects of hierarchy and the conformity produced by authority. (See also section B.1 for more on the effects of hierarchy). As Bob Black points outs:

“You are what you do. If you do boring, stupid, monotonous work, chances are you’ll end up boring, stupid, and monotonous. Work is a much better explanation for the creep-ing cretinisation all around us than even such significant moronising mechanisms astelevision and education. People who are regimented all their lives, handed to workfrom school and bracketed by the family in the beginning and the nursing home in theend, are habituated to hierarchy and psychologically enslaved. Their aptitude for auton-omy is so atrophied that their fear of freedom is among their few rationally groundedphobias. Their obedience training at work carries over into the familiestheystart, thusreproducing the system in more ways than one, and into politics, culture and everythingelse. Once you drain the vitality from people at work, they’ll likely submit to hierarchyand expertise in everything. They’re used to it.”[The Abolition of Work and other essays, pp. 21–2]92

When elitists try to conceive of liberation, they can only think of it beinggivento the oppressed by kind (for Leninists) or stupid (for Objectivists) elites. It is hardly surprising, then, that it fails. Only self-liberation can produce a free society. The crushing and distorting effects of authority can only be overcome by self-activity. The few examples of such self-liberation prove that most people, once considered incapable of freedom by others, are more than up for the task.Those who proclaim their “superiority” often do so out of fear that their authority and power will be destroyed once people free themselves from the debilitating hands of authority and come to realise that, in the words of Max Stirner,“the great are great only because we are on our knees. Let us rise”

As Emma Goldman remarks about women’s equality,“[t]he extraordinary achievements of women in every walk of life have silenced forever the loose talk of women’s inferiority. Those who still cling to this fetish do so because they hate nothing so much as to see their authority challenged.This is the characteristic of all authority, whether the master over his economic slaves or man over women. However, everywhere woman is escaping her cage, everywhere she is going ahead with free,large strides.”[Vision on Fire, p. 256]

The same comments are applicable, for example, to thevery successful experiments in workers’ self-management during the Spanish Revolution.Then, of course, the notion that people are too stupid for anarchism to work also backfires on those who argue it.

Take, for example, those who use this argument to advocate democratic government rather than anarchy. Democracy, as Luigi Galleani noted, means “acknowledging the right and the competence of the people to select their rulers.”

However,“whoever has the political competence to choose his [or her] own rulers is, by implication, also competent to do without them,especially when the causes of economic enmity are uprooted.”[The End of Anarchism?, p. 37]

Thus the argument for democracy against anarchism undermines itself, for “if you consider these worthy electors as unable to look after their own interests themselves, how is it that they know howto choose for themselves the shepherds who must guide them? And how will they be able to solve this problem of social alchemy, of producing the election of a genius from the votes of a mass of fools?”[Malatesta,Anarchy, pp. 53–4]

As for those who consider dictatorship as the solution to human stupidity, the question arises why are these dictators immune to this apparently universal human trait? And, as Malatesta noted,“who are the best? And who will recognise these qualities in them?”[Op. Cit., p. 53]

If they impose themselves on the “stupid” masses, why assume they will not exploit and oppress the many for their own benefit? Or, for that matter, that they are any more intelligent than the masses? The history of dictatorial and monarchical government suggests a clear answer to those questions.

A similar argument applies for other non-democratic systems, such as those based on limited suffrage. For example, the Lockean (i.e. classical liberal or right-wing libertarian) ideal of a state based on the rule of property owners is doomed to be little more than a regime which oppresses the majority to maintain the power and privilege of the wealthy few.

Equally, the idea of near universal stupidity bar an elite of capitalists (the “objectivist” vision) implies a system somewhat less ideal than the perfect system presented in the literature. This is because most people would tolerate oppressive bosses who treat them as means to an end rather than an end in themselves. For how can you expect people to recognise and pursue their own self-interest if you consider them fundamentally as the“uncivilised hordes”? You cannot have it both ways and the“unknown ideal”of pure capitalism would be as grubby, oppressive and alienating as “actually existing” capitalism.

As such, anarchists are firmly convinced that arguments against anarchy based on the lack of ability of the mass of people are inherently self-contradictory (when not blatantly self-servicing). If people are too stupid for anarchism then they are too stupid for any system you care to mention.

Ultimately, anarchists argue that such a perspective simply reflects the servile mentality produced by a hierarchical society rather than a genuine analysis of humanity and our history as a species. To quote Rousseau:“when I see multitudes of entirely naked savages scorn European voluptuousness and endure hunger, fire, the sword, and death to preserve only their independence, I feel that it does not behove slaves to reason about freedom.”[quoted by Noam Chomsky,Marxism, Anarchism, and Alternative Futures, p. 780]

#lefty theory #anarchy #anarchism #leftist theory #resource #leftism #anarchist #anarchist theory #freedom

[sendmyresignation]

alright. writing this “little” piece to exorcise the demon inside of me that wants to expand my teenagers meta further than it needs to go (if you weren't aware I'm writing a post, well an essay, wellll a short paper, about why teenagers fits on the black parade- stay tuned) BUT i cannot stop thinking about the multiple little "rockstar to kill" moments within the song/music video/live performances so... I'm self-indulgently going to write about it :)

anyway, at its most simplified, teenagers is a song about the violence within adolescents and being an adult whose afraid of that capability. that is the basic, surface-level understanding of the song. inherently, with mcr specifically, that sets up a conflict between the narrator of the song and the song’s audience. that means conflict is generational- it duplicates itself over and and over which allows for several different understandings of the narrator’s perspective. the cyclical nature means they could be speaking to a representation of what they view as the fundamental corruption of the youth, both by outside focuses and their very human nature, as the narrator become more cynical in their old age. it could be representative of them talking to their past self, reminiscing on the revenge fantasies they had in high school or the ways they were made to feel like an outcast when they were young. and they also could be speaking directly to the very literal future about their concerns as a mentoring figure (teenagers, to me, functions in layers, its interpretation can shift and change depending on the context) right now we’re preoccupied with that last perspective both within the song and the video’s contextualization, and into this wider idea of what the band’s purpose was (or how they saw their purpose).

putting the rest under a read more out of respect <333

moving into the actual text with that in mind, what becomes significant is the tonal contrast between being the seemly scathing, sarcastic indictment of Dangerous Teenagers on the surface to the actual understanding (if we’re talking about the single on its own) which is moreso criticizing the Authority figures who create and mold this violence either purposely (cog in the murder machine) or with indifference (you’ll never fit in much/they’ll leave you alone/as well as the implication of having to take matters into your own hands because the adults are absent). As a result, the song, on its own, isn’t actually blaming teenagers for the violence they perpetuate, but the narrator attempts to extend their understanding and offer advice. here is a figure looking to bring catharsis without patronizing. like this is most clearly expressed in the use of “maybe they’ll leave you alone, but not me” at the end of the chorus, which in this reading means the other adults may leave you alone, the but I am stepping in to tell you that both self-directed and outward expressions of violence are bullshit and useless and that’s what everyone else is expecting of you so fucking stop it! (this can obviously be re-figured within the context of the album- because, interestingly, the pronouns are purposely confusing with the multiple uses of they in this section) the violence is never explicitly vilified by the speaker,- its exaggerated- what you have under your shirt won’t solve anything isn’t that obvious how ridiculous it sounds, how ridiculous I sound saying it out loud? but also, the violence is implicit. the conflict is still there. the teenagers still scare the shit out of the narrator. so what gives?

well. the song is still about the gulf between generations. the speaker is still afraid and out of touch, regardless of the leadership role they’ve assumed or the perspective of the past they can offer. there is ultimately a limit to how much they can give.

which leads us right into the music video.

So first things first, Black Parade as a whole is heavily inspired by Pink Floyd’s The Wall musically, but the actual aesthetics of the wall are kind of divorced from the ww1 cabaret weimar thing that parade is drenched in (bc britian circa the 1950s is boring and the wall is purposely very ugly and grey and removed from emotion which isn’t dramatic enough for what mcr had in mind). However, teenagers exists as a sort of connecting point between the two-  the music video of Another Brick in the Wall Part 2 (which you can watch here if you’ve never seen it) is clearly an influence on the subject matter and the setting and the “plot” of teenagers video- it serves as a sort of a parallel to it. more specifically, there are the “running shots” of kids making their way through unlit hallways into the auditorium that evoke the children in the pink floyd video marching through the school. there’s also the line “cog in the murder machine”, which seem particularly inspired from the depiction of children as going through machines and coming out the other side stiff, wooden, and obedient. then the backdrop of the large bomb centered in my chem’s stage show mimics the shot of the headmaster standing behind the large, lit up clock- especially since that where the teenagers in the crowd of mcr’s video all begin acting in unison, similar to the children in the wall all falling into line (but, like, just the use of ww2 era bomb imagery and gas masks in general is very reminiscent of the early wartime parts of the wall anyway). so in a vague sense, there is a huge connection between teenagers and that emulation and replication of the wall.

however, the most striking similarity is that, in the same way the students destroy their school in a moment of violent inspiration after sequences of disconcerting compliance, the group of high schoolers in teenagers do the same against the band. the difference is that in the case of the teenagers, the explosion is directed at the source of their outburst (they switch from the on-beat fist-punching to wild moshing as the song devolves and ray’s solo starts) instead of in opposition to a more institutional suppressive force. they are not motivated to action because of something done to them, instead it is the actual music itself that serves as both the impetus of conformity and the fuse that destroys that same unison action and then the band. and what’s significant is the particularity of the actions the crowd takes: they steal the band’s instruments from them and they bodily remove gerard from the microphone. like contrast this violence against the band vs the desolation row video where the whole band is physically incapacitated- there, its about knocking them around and getting them to stop (ray is beat down by police, bobs drums are destroyed, etc etc). but here, its about taking their places- the act of destruction is calculated but not purposely cruel. so, in teenagers being a parallel to Another Brick, that moment of turning on the band is the moment of violence but is also the moment of freedom. the difference in the two becomes the ways in which the band is responsible for reawakening the fire within the audience and giving them a purpose. which here is “killing the rockstar” by taking over, taking their places. and that is the nature of music and the nature of the conflict implicit to becoming the “rockstars”

it brings us right back around to that generational conflict: except when your talking about mcr’s realationship with their audience, that becomes the fostering of a group of outcasts and weirdos and freaks and giving them the tools to save themselves, yes. but also giving them the opportunity to do exactly what they did. to pick instruments and take their places. its the cyclical nature of creation and destruction “because when we get old and lazy some of you guys are gonna have to eat us alive by starting your own fucking band (x), that idea of needing a “rockstar to kill” has been refigured to mean something newer, positive. we are the ones killing them, but not in the way of typical martyring where a crowd of detractors and nonbelievers burns you at the stake- but instead by continuing the natural cycle of art, true genuine art. just as mcr is built off of so many influences- creating an entirely new project out of that existing landscape of sound that reaches people and gives them an outlet, we are doing the same things. by besmirching metal and punk by mixing them together, by “selling out” so they could put together a rock opera, by adding theater into a hyper masculine culture of nu-metal and post-hardcore, by making deeply emotional music that was still violent or angry, by writing the way they did they killed the bands they loved and made something better. its the the way in which the creative cycle is a rebirth, of scavenging the good things from the people who came before you and moving forward and taking the world by storm. here, in the video, the audience redirects their violence at the band, yes. but that is the point. teenagers still scare the shit out of the narrator, but that’s not going to stop them from reaching out, from speaking to them directly, from performing until their very last moments

until they take over. until they kill the rockstar. until we eat them alive.

in the end, that is the mission of my chemical romance, isn’t it- to inspire that level of passion, to turn the music into a life-raft and then gasoline and fire in your gut and then a sense of purpose and then into freedom and endless joy? and isn’t it the greatest act of love, the truest expression of admiration to tear them apart, build ourselves creations out of the wreckage to fill the space they leave behind, and then lay them to rest when the time has come?

#my brain. is crazy :) enjoy :) #mcr assigned reading #my posts

[thesugarace]

Alright

I finished HLITF season 1 for Kaga and I SWEAR TO ALL 12 ZODIAC GODS

VOLTAGE. PEAKED!!!! AT KAGA’S SEQUEL

THIS STORY IS AN ABSOLUTE 

(Early warning: minor/major spoilers and a lot of rants/fangirling/thirst etc etc all bec I just absolutely love this story and I feel the need to share this love with everyone. Also, I keep seeing everyone hating on MC in this but I actually really liked her here and so I MUST defend her)

Okay

First of all look. loOK. LOOK AT THESE CGS!!!!

CAN YOU BELIEVE WE GET A HOT AND SEXY KAGA CG, A LITERALLY STEAMY ROMANTIC CG AND A BOMB AF STORY ALL FOR $3 EYE-

And oh my huedhaut dont even get me started on the story. It was absolutely on point. It has everything a HLITF story promises to have:

justice in the eyes of our straightlaced MC vs the PSD ✔️

Conflict btwn Kaga and MC precisely because of that ✔️

Our girl pulling a vanishing act bec she refused to compromise her values ✔️

the refusal of each side to back down and their love for each other TEARING THEM APART INSIDE ✔️

OUR GIRL SHOWING OFF HOW INSIGHTFUL SHE REALLY IS AND FINDING A SOLID AF LEAD ✔️

MC’S GROWTH in finding a somewhat compromise between her principles and what is required of her as a PSD detective ✔️

And of course, my absolute favourite: ANGSTY ANGSTY MY-WORLD-IS-ENDING-BECAUSE-MY-MC-IS-IN-DANGER-ANGSTY KAGA ✔️

Okay, I need to address the one thing that everyone just hates about this story en masse and it’s MC. Personally, I dont agree with her about the some parts, especially the interrogation because she did hinder an investigation and in law enforcement that is one big No-No but I do see where she’s coming from, especially with the surveillance thing and the whole copping out and literally running away to the countryside. I saw reviews abt her being completely naive but seriously, put yourself in the position of the one being spied. She’s so against it because to the suspect, what they’re doing could be harmful to him, especially so if he was innocent. I think as a person, she believes in the more publically-accepted justice - the kind of justice that everyone wants but is really very difficult to obtain.

And this is where we get to the beauty of this story. As per their MO, the PSD is ready to do whatever it takes to get the culprit even it means breaking the law. They’re desperate to get the culprit because people are actually getting hurt and the longer this guy gives them the slip, the more people are going to get hurt. Even in MSB, its been established that to the PSD, the end ALWAYS justify the means and they dont give a shit if they look like criminals for it. So this is where the conflict arises between MC and the PSD guys. For the PSD, there’s an opportunity where they might get the culprit but its illegal and for MC, what the PSD wants to do is too risky for something only based on suspicion; she wants to stay on the legal path but she has no lead whatsoever and time is not on either side. People dont seem to realise the weight of MC’s viewpoint and have a tendency to think of ‘officers doing something illegal’ as something as light as jaywalking or smt. No, these institutions have a wide reach and one misstep could bring harmful repercussions onto countless innocent people not to mention the implications of their actions on their integrity as an institution of the law and the integrity of the entire justice system. However, the PSD’s side is a lot more true to reality albeit in more complex situations: their duty beyond all else is to prevent crime and there are times when there really seems to be no way. I’ve been working in law for the past few years and this is a classic dilemma that has been simplified but quite well executed in this context. Justice is not as clear cut as the right way, the right end. The law may simply be black words on white paper but different circumstances dye it with their own colours. This is where MC is lacking. She’s like a freshman at law school - someone who truly believes in the importance of justice but actually has little idea what that actually entails. She is not entirely naive but more in a sense that she’s never been confronted with these kind of complex high-stakes situations (she worked in a police box before this for Ichthys’s sake) and that inexperience disables her from seeing and evaluating the entire situation from the PSD’s pov. For her, its like playing poker for the first time and she’s already betting with the million dollar chips.

The second thing I REALLY must defend her in is the whole quitting from the academy. For the love of Zyglavis, she did NOT run away just because Kaga told her she’s not suited for PSD, it was just the trigger. Lemme put it in a different scenario (btw this scenario is not meant to mirror the situation, its only meant to evoke how MC felt in the story) Imagine you live in a city and you and your significant other are living together. A pandemic has struck your city but everyone refuses to wear a mask and the government is even encouraging people not to wear a mask. You know that wearing a mask slows down the spread of the virus and you are trying to convince people to wear one but they just ignore you. The number of cases is dropping and people think its because they dont wear masks unlike other cities but you know that people should still wear masks or the numbers might spike. So you try to convince everyone to wear a mask and people start berating you for being so stupid as to believe that masks will slow down the spread of the virus when the numbers are dropping without the city wearing them. You go home and your significant other berates you for forcing other people to wear a mask and says ‘since you wanna wear a mask so badly, get out of my house and move out of town’ That’s what it felt like for MC: the absolute frustration + sadness from the rejection of what she truly believes in by the people she’s surrounded by. Time and time again in the story, she’s confronted with the fact that the justice she believes in is not the justice PSD serves. For someone who is working towards joining the PSD, that has to be killing her inside every time. It just serves as a reminder that she is not suited for PSD nor is she what PSD wants in a detective, something she has been struggling with since MS1 but she perseveres perhaps because of her dream to become a detective or because of her aspirations to someday be Kaga’s equal or at least be someone he considers he can rely on. I really believe it’s the second one, after all, it was his rejection of her that really broke her inside and finally convinced her to quit. That’s why if you buy the ending set, you’ll see in the extra stories that Kaga gets extremely angry AT HIMSELF that MC quit the academy. He knows that our persistent Kappa doesnt give up so easily, not even when he scolded her for ruining his interrogation. Its because all these factors built up and he was the one to push her over her limit. So yes, our girl is not fragile yall. She’s just been through so much and I honestly dont blame her for leaving like one order of R&R for our MC here, she deserves it thanks. 

Okay, I need to end this soon cause its starting to get too long but what made me really love her here is the whole LIME thing. That part made love her so much because even when she quit on the academy, there’s still a fire inside her to do what it takes to achieve justice, even if it meant relying on the people she didnt agree with. Even when she was so broken inside believing that she’s not one of them, she’s not needed by them, she’s not worthy of helping them; she just wants to help!

IM SO FREAKING SOFT FOR HER BECAUSE THIS GIRL WHO HAS BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH IS STILL FIGHTING IN HER OWN WAY AND JKASHFHASKJHAKSHKJHGA BRB CRYING

ALSO 

THAT BLOODY PHONE CALL OH MY FREAKING SCORPIO THAT PHONE CALL. I died when he told her that quitting is not an excuse to leave his side. THESE TWO EYE-

Okay, you have to read that phone call scene from both sides because then you’ll see how much these two are being stubborn because they still dont accept the other’s pov abt the case but at the same time how much they love and miss each other is gnawing at them inside AND THEYRE STRUGGLING TO HOLD ALL THOSE EMOTIONS BACK WHEN THEY HEAR EACH OTHERS’ VOICES OVER THE PHONE FREAKING KRIOFF TAKE THE WHEEL PLEASE

Anyways, I really enjoyed reading season 1 for Kaga, especially because of his MC - I see her actually growing from the small police box officer to a PSD cadet and the sequel, especially, shows promise in how she’s going to navigate the world of law enforcement and facing difficult choices. Our girl really decided to return to the academy without finding a proper middle ground between her values and what PSD requires of her but she showed determination to work on it so I really hope we get to see more of that in later seasons. Also, WHIPPED Kaga is my fav but soft Kaga is up there as well. MC SAYING HE SOUNDED SAD OVER THE PHONE AND HER TEARING UP I CANT. THESE TWO ARE BAD FOR MY HEART.

Okay, Im not sure what I’ll be reading next. I kinda wanna start on his season 2 but considering how amazing this season is for Kaga, Im really curious abt the other characters so I might start on them before starting any season 2s. Also, idk if I would make these long argumentative-ish essays a thing but just idk why, my brain is really good at spewing essays out when it comes to HLITF and I think its fuelled by the panic from all my unfinished work so yay 

Thanks for reading!!!

#rediscovering hlitf #HLITF #Hyogo Kaga #seiji goto #hideki ishigami #ayumu shinonome #shusuke soma #her love in the force #voltage inc. #otome #voltage otome #voltage romance sims #voltage guys

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On Griffith’s Sacrifice, Coping Mechanisms, and Heartbreak

This is an essay that jumps off from the amazing  Griffith   meta written by @bthump (most particularly part 4). All of the groundwork for the following argument is laid out there, this is just an elaboration on Griffith’s decision to make the sacrifice, though I hope it also stands on its own.

CW for extended discussions of self harm, self loathing, and suicide

~~

What I love most about Griffith’s fall into villainy is that it’s not motivated by ideology. Unlike the villains we’re used to, who differ from Our Heroes on the basis of their (often warped) ideals (e.g. a belief in anarchy, vengeance, hierarchies between peoples, etc.), Griffith does not ultimately make a moral or ideological decision to perpetrate an evil act. In his choice to become a monster, as he finally capitulates and chants “I sacrifice,” he’s not justifying a utilitarian worldview that proclaims that the sacrifice of a comparative few is better for the long run for humanity as a species (even if this does end up being the ethical consequence of his actions with Falconia). No – in his final human moments, Griffith isn’t weighing the pros and cons of moral philosophy, instead, he’s making an emotionally motivated decision, one ultimately based in guilt, self loathing, and the inability to live with a broken heart.

I want to draw out (at length, I’m sorry) the motivations behind Griffith’s final decision to sacrifice the BotH and, most importantly, to sacrifice Guts. In this reading (which ofc is just one interpretation of this sequence, but one that I think hangs together rather well), I’m mainly suggesting two things: one, that this is, at its core, an act of self destruction, specifically self harm at its most extreme. And two, that when Griffith makes his sacrifice, he’s not choosing to finally attain his dream, it’s all about the choice to “cut [his] love asunder.”

In my view, this decision is a manifestation of Griffith’s impulse toward self harm finally functioning as a weapon pointing outwards instead of just inwards. In his sacrifice Griffith has been driven to such a point of unbearable emotional pain that self annihilation through harming the person he loves most in the world seems like the only option left – and so he decides to sacrifice Guts in order to not just hurt but utterly destroy himself.

So how does he get to this point?

Making the decision to hurt/kill Guts, more than the BotH (as we’ll get into), is the extreme endpoint of Griffith’s trauma and emotional damage (his self loathing, emotional dependency, etc.). Leading up to this he must reach what he thinks of as a point of no return, of unbearable emotional pain, and he must also have all other possible escapes and coping mechanisms stripped away. When he makes this decision, he is at the darkest, most emotionally damaged moment of his life.

As I see it, Griffith has two central mechanisms to cope with the pain and negative feelings he can’t deal with (usually his guilt): emotional repression/denial/rationalization (I’m considering this as a bundle) and self harm. The first is Griffith telling himself that the pain doesn’t exist; the second is telling himself that he deserves to feel it.

To recap, since reuniting with the BotH, Griffith has been grappling with the knowledge that he essentially has no worth to anyone anymore and that he is entirely dependent – not just because of his post-torture physical state, but more fundamentally because he’s realized that he’s in love with Guts.

It only makes sense, then, that his overhearing what he thinks is Guts’ plan to leave him again functions as the tipping point for that final, unbearable emotional burden of a broken heart. As a form of self protection, Griffith summons a cavalcade of coping mechanisms to attempt to avoid the heartbreak that comes with the recognition that he can’t fathom a life or a future without him.

Let’s run down how these defense mechanisms and the possibilities to escape his heartbreak are dismantled piece by piece, leading up to the moment the behelit opens:

When he first overhears Casca and Guts’ conversation, Griffith’s first instinct is to try to run away back to his dream, falling back on that familiar combo of denial and emotional repression. When he takes the cart and irrationally follows that fleeting vision of his dream, he’s once again trying to deny that Guts is more important, attempting to convince himself that the dream can still serve as an effective replacement for losing Guts.

However, once the cart is overturned and the dream vanishes, he is forced to accept that this dream of a kingdom is not an escape – it’s gone from his reach. All he has left to look forward to is a future without a dream and without Guts, a realization communicated through his hallucination of a domestic future life with Casca.

During this hallucination sequence he is still trying to rationalize away the pain of losing Guts forever. He tries to repress, tell himself that this is fine, it “isn’t so bad,” because he’s still trying to protect his heart.

But then the behelit reappears, first in his mindscape and then, afterwards, summoned by the threads of fate, and the possibility for his dream re-emerges in a tangible way. At this point, whether the behelit only serves as a physical reminder of living his dream, or whether he knows on some level the significance of its reappearance – that it means the real possibility of choosing his dream over Guts once and for all might once again be in reach – this marks a fundamental change in Griffith.

After this point he’s no longer calm, or determined, or resigned – he loses his composure completely and goes into hysterics. He’s not repressing or redirecting anymore, he just freaks out. So why is the behelit’s appearance what seems to trigger this? Personally, I read this as being the moment he truly realizes that the dream isn’t enough.

The look on his face in response to this physical reminder of the dream is nothing short of terror.

This is why, I think, immediately after glimpsing the behelit and awakening from his nightmare, Griffith tries to kill himself, as he lies, body broken, in the river. What makes the most sense to me in interpreting this sequence of events is that Griffith is confronting on a fundamental level that nothing is worth losing Guts, even the dream can’t replace him, and that ultimately nothing can.

This is the moment he accepts that he doesn’t even want to choose the dream anymore – and that, consequently, there’s nowhere left to hide from his pain.

In attempting to commit suicide he’s still trying to protect his heart; the only answer it seems to him, as a final escape, is choosing to die over living a life without Guts, dream or no dream – over living with the pain of a broken heart.

He, of course, fails, because fate has other plans, and the soul-shattering despair of his heartbreak steadily begins to creep over him (as the Eclipse monsters close in around him). At this point he is trying to hold back that unbearable, undeniable pain of knowing he is about to lose the only thing that truly matters to him, forever; this is the knowledge that he will not be able to cope with Guts leaving him again, that ultimately nothing can fill that void.

Once the behelit is actually in his hand, he begs Guts not to touch him – “I’ll never… never again with you…” – this desperate pleading is his final, futile attempt to protect himself, because he knows that at the touch of his hand on his shoulder, and all the visceral reminders of his emotional dependency bound up in that, he will be unable to hold back the floodgates of loss and despair that threaten to overwhelm him – the realization that no, in fact it isn’t “fine” to lose him forever, even if it means getting to live his dream after all.

I think you can read this scene in terms of Griffith realizing what’s about to happen or not, either works. If you buy that he does realize it, his begging Guts not to touch him has the added layer of desperate terror over the prospect of being forced to choose his dream over Guts once and for all.

When the behelit opens, this marks the utter breakdown of Griffith’s first coping mechanism – in this moment, he can no longer deny, repress, or escape from the pain of his broken heart. In and after this moment he is stripped bare, left utterly naked in his emotional vulnerability.

When he goes on to catch Guts as he falls from the pillar of heads, Griffith’s desperation is so nakedly on display it’s almost uncomfortable to look at. There are no masks left to shelter him from his emotional pain. He simply has to live it.

Despite thinking that Guts is going to leave him, that Guts was always disgusted by him, Griffith still, irrationally, impossibly, loves him and wants to save his life at any cost. He doesn’t want to choose the dream. He’s not yet ready to make the sacrifice – he still prioritizes his love for Guts over everything else, even though his heart is broken and the pain of it is clearly unbearable.

That’s where the Godhand’s guilt trip comes in.

Now, I read this sequence as working in a very particular way. In my view, their whole spiel here isn’t simply telling Griffith that the dream is still within reach – this is something I believe he’s already realized can’t replace losing Guts; it’s functionally irrelevant to help him cope with his pain at this point.

More importantly, what the Godhand is doing is persuading Griffith to make the sacrifice, by leaning on his guilt and self loathing. This may seem like splitting hairs, but this is the heart of my point: that Griffith isn’t being convinced to choose the dream, he’s being convinced to cut his love asunder.

They’re ultimately reminding him of what lies at the core of his dream: his guilt and monstrousness, in order to convince him that he ultimately deserves to feel the pain of sacrificing what he loves most, because he is, at his deepest, truest self, someone evil, dirty, cruel. They’re not getting him to choose the dream, they’re getting him to choose the sacrifice, and we can see this in the way the sequence is constructed.

What the Godhand is actually telling Griffith is that sacrificing his loved ones (not, ultimately, attaining the dream) provides an effective way out of this unbearable pain, because it will allow him to shed his own humanity: finally becoming the monster he always (thought he) was. This is ultimately what convinces Griffith to agree to the sacrifice.

As a reminder, at this point, Griffith has zero capacity to deal with the feelings of guilt that comes with the mountain of bodies the Godhand lays at his feet throughout this sequence. He’s emotionally vulnerable, his heart broken and his capacity for emotional repression at an all-time low. The Godhand also remove the possibility for Griffith to rationalize this long-standing guilt away (as being “for the greater good”) by telling him that all those choices along that road of corpses have been evil acts; that he is, fundamentally, already a monster: someone who deserves to reap what he’s sown.

As we’ll see, this tactic of leaning on Griffith’s self loathing isn’t strictly necessary to get him to sacrifice the Band, but it is necessary to get him to sacrifice Guts.

Basically, the guilt trip is designed to remind him of his inner monster, what he hates most about himself, in order to ultimately convince him to perpetrate an act of self harm, as both punishment and atonement for the actions he feels intense guilt over.

It’s not a coincidence that the same language keeps coming up in their emotional manipulation. This is who you are.

This particular reading of the guilt trip sequence circles back to the sentiment I opened with – that Griffith’s decision to make the sacrifice is not based in an ideology of utilitarianism. He’s not being convinced by the sunk cost fallacy (though this does play into it with respect to sacrificing the BotH) – he’s ultimately being convinced by being told that he is already a monster, and that accordingly the only thing he can do is embrace that self-loathing impulse to destroy everything he cares about – because this is who he is: someone who is, at his core, already evil.

(And, quick sidebar, I’m not sure I need to say this, but I don’t think anything Griffith did was actually evil up until his decision to make the sacrifice. He was just another leader who had to make hard decisions. This whole thing is just the Godhand playing into Griffith’s fucked up conception of himself.)

Remember that Griffith already associates the guilt of pursuing his dream with both self loathing and what he believes to be his own monstrousness. His willingness to put others in harm’s way for the sake of his dream is what he’s always hated most about himself and why he feels he deserves to suffer and be punished over it. We know he feels guilt about allowing people to be sacrificed for the sake of his dream, his “filthy schemes,” etc. – basically he feels guilt about putting others in harm’s way in order to further his own goals. These goals, of course, are not evil in themselves, but instead are ironically and perversely motivated by justifying those same acts as a sort of vicious circle.

And remember that he already has a pattern of coping with this guilt primarily through self harm, because this capacity for monstrousness is the greatest source of his self loathing. Having sex with a child predator, viciously self harming, and the risky behaviour that ultimately lands him in a torture chamber are just small steps on the road to “I sacrifice.” This final act is framed by the Godhand as the ultimate way to punish himself for continuing to pursue the dream, by embracing what is cruel, dirty, and loathsome about himself.

Up until this point, the guilt trip has been centred around Griffith’s general guilt over sacrificing people for his dream. It’s been designed around getting Griffith to agree to sacrifice the BotH, and so accordingly, this section of the guilt trip ends with this:

Here we see medium shots/closeups highlighting the faces of the BotH, who “should forgive [him],” because they have already agreed to lay down their lives for the sake of his dream. However, we also see Guts, who stands apart from the Band, depicted alone in extreme long shot in the corner of the page… and this is where the Godhand’s emotional manipulation gets really dirty.

The next pages are as follows:

This final section of the guilt trip is so utterly manipulative. The first handful of times I read this part I was really confused by why Void says this – don’t the Godhand know that the dream doesn’t matter anymore, that it’s no longer dazzling in Griffith’s eyes? That the junk has grown dull?

Without thinking any deeper about this, it’s easy to read this moment as Griffith choosing the dream over Guts – that Griffith is deciding that yes, it is more dazzling than anything. But of course, Griffith (and we as readers by this point) know it’s not. It’s been hammered home already that the dream pales in comparison, that nothing is worth losing Guts, not even for the sake of his dream.

What I think Void is actually doing here is subtly redirecting Griffith toward the deepest source of the pain he truly cannot bear: his loss and heartbreak. Void’s tactics here are indirect, he doesn’t say it outright, but he is gently pointing Griffith toward who in fact lies in the ruins of his dream, who is more dazzling than anything. It’s not a coincidence that “in the ruins of your dream” is overlaid on a panel of Guts’ face.

The way the guilt trip is laid out differentiates Griffith’s decision to sacrifice the Band from his decision to sacrifice Guts. Remember that from Griffith’s perspective, Guts has already decided to leave – he’s functionally no longer a member of the BotH. Guts didn’t want to be Griffith’s soldier, he wasn’t just meeting a fitting end for what he always wanted in life (to prop up Griffith’s dream).

Those constant reminders that he’s a monster aren’t ultimately for the purpose of getting Griffith to sacrifice the Band – in fact this is something he’s already effectively agreed to do a chapter earlier:

No, all of this been leading up to convincing Griffith to sacrifice Guts.

And, indeed, what’s promised to Griffith directly after Void’s declaration is “raven-black wings” – it’s the promise of becoming one of the Godhand, of becoming Femto, not of obtaining a castle or becoming emotionally repressed NeoGriffith. It’s the promise of becoming a monster. And in fact the kingdom doesn’t even rate a mention:

Griffith isn’t choosing the dream, in fact it doesn’t even rank anymore. The appeal is the sacrifice itself, not what comes after. No part of this sequence is designed to make choosing the dream appealing to Griffith, it’s all about the dream’s negative aspects: the self loathing, guilt, and monstrousness that come along with it. The Godhand is trying to convince Griffith that he’s already reached the point of no return, that he’s already made too many evil choices to come back from, and thus he deserves everything that comes along with making this choice.

What’s happening here is that Void is conflating Griffith’s guilt and his heartbreak into one jumbled mass of pain, and he’s telling him that he deserves to feel all of it, because he is, at his core, an evil person. The Godhand is telling Griffith that he deserves not only to have his heart broken, but to hurt the person he loves most, because he’s never been worthy of love in the first place, that he’s always been a monster. This is ultimately Griffith’s reason for choosing to sacrifice Guts – because he has been convinced that he deserves to feel the pain of sacrificing what he loves most.

So when Griffith finally acquiesces and accepts the sacrifice – finally saying “yes,” right after this, Griffith follows it up with the declaration that “You’re the only one… who made me forget my dream.” This sentiment is also, on the surface, really puzzling – because why does he say this of all things in this moment?

But what he says actually makes a lot of sense if you read this as being the moment Griffith realizes, at Void’s subtle prodding, that he’s not just going to have to sacrifice the Band, but that he’s going to have to sacrifice Guts as well. It’s working in direct response to Void’s “If even now, that castle… is in your eyes more dazzling than anything.” This is his answer to that question. No, it’s not – you’re the one who made me forget my dream. You’re the one who made the junk grow dull.

I don’t even read this as an accusation made in anger, there’s no malice in his face at all… his hatred is reserved for himself alone.

“You made me forget my dream.” Ever since the torture chamber, from when Griffith equates the dream with “junk,” to his terror at the prospect of the behelit, to the guilt trip over the road of corpses, the dream has been exclusively framed in negative, destructive terms. Pursuing it has been the most loathsome, unconscionable part of himself, the part he can’t live with, and in and through the guilt trip he’s just experienced, Griffith has fully recognized that.

In this sense, what might at first glance be read as spite (“you made me…”) actually functions as the complete opposite. Guts making him forget his dream was a good thing. You were my light out of the darkness. And that is why it has to be you.

This is actually Griffith’s final declaration of love. It could have just as easily been: “Yes. I love you most of all, more than anything in the world. It’s you I have to sacrifice to become a monster.”

This marks the extreme point of tension between love and hate, the “suffering so profound as to make someone rip himself apart.” This is loving someone so deeply that it utterly destroys you to hurt them.

And if you choose to read it this way, it sure does put a whole new spin on “The life you couldn’t take by your own hand, the life of the person you loved the most and hated the most!! You gave it to us!!” if the person you loved the most and hated the most are, in fact, different people. After all, he did actually give them both of their lives. And really, the only time we ever see Griffith’s hatred actually being directed at Guts was for all of about five seconds after he rescued him from the torture chamber.

“You’re the only one…Who made me forget my dream.” The look on his face here is one of acceptance and self loathing, not one of anger, spite, or accusation. His sad smile points directly back at those others we’ve already seen as Griffith recognizes and accepts, with utter self contempt, this aspect of himself – that he is someone willing to do wicked and cruel things that he hates and wants to punish himself for. It’s got that same sense of knowingness to it too – it’s that final confirmation of “yes, you were right, I am a fucking monster. This is the proof.”

To restate my point, it isn’t that the Godhand’s guilt trip convinces Griffith that finally grasping his dream can fill the void of his loss and heartbreak. To Griffith, the appeal of making the sacrifice doesn’t lie in his being able to finally choose the dream over Guts once and for all – it’s in being able to become a monster (i.e. someone willing to do selfish, evil deeds) in order to bury his heart. The guilt the Godhand lays over him throughout this sequence in this sense actually functions as a sort of salve, a reminder that this is, at his core, what he’s always been.

The Godhand is giving him one final escape from his pain – the annihilation of his unbearable, painful humanity. If Griffith is in no position to attempt suicide bodily, then doing it spiritually is the next best option: to destroy his soul, his humanity, in and through his sacrifice, by burying his heart in the body of a monster. And by monster I don’t mean Griffith knows he’s going to become Femto per se, just that he has been pushed to the point of believing that he is someone capable of committing a true act of evil in sacrificing the person he loved most.

At this point, Griffith has nowhere else to turn – his capacity to deny or repress his feelings is gone, his choice to kill himself as an escape has been taken away from him, and he knows he can’t live on with the intense pain and guilt that threaten to overwhelm him. The only answer left is the inward-outward pointing sword of self destruction.

To sum up, there are four main reasons (at least for the purposes of this meta)* that Griffith makes the sacrifice, which are all jumbled together in a complicated, self-loathing mess:

It allows him to justify the deaths that weigh on him by finally achieving his dream

It validates what he thinks Guts always thought he was (“You believe that, don’t you?” / “You of all people”)

It allows him to “atone” for the actions he feels guilt over by self harming/dirtying/punishing himself by hurting the person he loved the most

It provides the possibility of living with the pain of his heartbreak by becoming someone truly evil who seemingly wasn’t ever worthy of love in the first place

*Despite my saying this, there’s actually still a ton to say on this topic – but since they don’t strictly fit this meta’s argument, I’ll just briefly mention a few additional reasons (also motivated by self loathing) that Griffith agrees to the sacrifice: the chance to become able bodied/physically superior (and not just equal) to Guts (a God with wings to “soar in the heavens”), the self-destructive appeal of finally making a selfish choice (vs. “for their sakes”), etc.

Basically, in this moment Griffith is embracing that deciding to become a monster, at the highest pinnacle of self loathing, is doing the worst thing he could possibly imagine and killing the one thing he loved most and thought he had left in his life (“take all you have left”) – turning that sword outward onto Guts in order to turn it most damningly back on himself. Through this act he has actually become the monster he always thought he was.

Because, let’s be real, Griffith’s decision to sacrifice Guts is an evil choice: he is doing harm to another person from a selfish, morally indefensible place. While the BotH’s sacrifice can still be rationalized away as their meeting a fitting end – a death they had already agreed to in service of “the greater good/dream” – sacrificing Guts is the actual step he needed to take to bury his heart and self destruct completely.

Griffith’s decision is still coming from a place of extreme self loathing and psyche-shattering pain. We may completely understand and sympathize with him in his final human moment; he is after all motivated by guilt, self hatred, and a broken heart – but his sacrifice particularly of Guts is still crossing a moral line. This act can’t be justified in any moral or ideological sense, only in an emotional one.

This why the sacrifice of one’s most dearly beloved (not soldiers) is necessary for apostlehood in the first place. In other words, to become a monster, you need to hate yourself so much that you’re willing to hurt the person you love most, in order to not just hurt but utterly destroy yourself – to turn the sword outward in order to turn it back inward once and for all.

The Afterword: Femto and NeoGriffith

Reading Griffith’s choice to sacrifice Guts as an act of self loathing also provides an interesting perspective on Femto if we read him as a manifestation of Griffith’s last, self-destructive human impulse: a crystallization of his last tear shed. Because if we read Femto as having become basically that same inward/outward-pointing sword, he is essentially an embodiment of Griffith’s self loathing, self harm, as well as his capacity for cruelty, monstrousness, and guilt.

In that sense, Griffith’s acts of cruelty as Femto are all manifestations of that same self-loathing impulse to not just hurt those around him, but to ultimately hurt himself by lashing out at those he cares about – to make Guts and Casca hate him in order to justify the hatred he feels toward himself. In that sense it makes some kind of ironic sense for him to keep Guts and Casca alive, as a parallel masochistic reminder to Guts’ of the “wound” he left him.

Even if OG!Griffith is not actually in there somewhere to actually experience that pain in whatever capacity (though he clearly is, his heart was buried, not destroyed), Femto can still be read as a crystallization and embodiment of that final act of self hatred, which becomes truly monstrous/evil when it’s finally directed outward at others.

And if Femto is Griffith’s self harm personified, then it only makes sense that NeoGriffith is an embodiment of his other coping mechanism – denial and emotional repression.

And, let me also point out, both coping mechanisms are set up to be taken down by the recognition that Guts loved him all along.

Thank you for reading,

Thoughts, critiques, and disagreements are very much welcome

#berserk #berserk meta #griffguts #griffith #griffith meta

[grayjing]

Anarchist FAQ/What is Anarchism?/2.17<

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A.2.17 Aren't most people too stupid for a free society to work?

We are sorry to have to include this question in an anarchist FAQ, but we know that many political ideologies explicitly assume that ordinary people are too stupid to be able to manage their own lives and run society. All aspects of the capitalist political agenda, from Left to Right, contain people who make this claim. Be it Leninists, fascists, Fabians or Objectivists, it is assumed that only a select few are creative and intelligent and that these people should govern others. Usually, this elitism is masked by fine, flowing rhetoric about "freedom," "democracy" and other platitudes with which the ideologues attempt to dull people's critical thought by telling them want they want to hear.

It is, of course, also no surprise that those who believe in "natural" elites always class themselves at the top. We have yet to discover an "objectivist", for example, who considers themselves part of the great mass of "second-handers" (it is always amusing to hear people who simply parrot the ideas of Ayn Rand dismissing other people so!) or who will be a toilet cleaner in the unknown "ideal" of "real" capitalism. Everybody reading an elitist text will consider him or herself to be part of the "select few." It's "natural" in an elitist society to consider elites to be natural and yourself a potential member of one!

Examination of history shows that there is a basic elitist ideology which has been the essential rationalisation of all states and ruling classes since their emergence at the beginning of the Bronze Age ("if the legacy of domination had had any broader purpose than the support of hierarchical and class interests, it has been the attemp to exorcise the belief in public competence from social discourse itself." [Bookchin, The Ecology of Freedom, p. 206]). This ideology merely changes its outer garments, not its basic inner content over time.

During the Dark Ages, for example, it was coloured by Christianity, being adapted to the needs of the Church hierarchy. The most useful "divinely revealed" dogma to the priestly elite was "original sin": the notion that human beings are basically depraved and incompetent creatures who need "direction from above," with priests as the conveniently necessary mediators between ordinary humans and "God." The idea that average people are basically stupid and thus incapable of governing themselves is a carry over from this doctrine, a relic of the Dark Ages.

In reply to all those who claim that most people are "second-handers" or cannot develop anything more than "trade union consciousness," all we can say is that it is an absurdity that cannot withstand even a superficial look at history, particularly the labour movement. The creative powers of those struggling for freedom is often truly amazing, and if this intellectual power and inspiration is not seen in "normal" society, this is the clearest indictment possible of the deadening effects of hierarchy and the conformity produced by authority. (See also section B.1 for more on the effects of hierarchy). As Bob Black points outs:

"You are what you do. If you do boring, stupid, monotonous work, chances are you'll end up boring, stupid, and monotonous. Work is a much better explanation for the creeping cretinisation all around us than even such significant moronising mechanisms as television and education. People who are regimented all their lives, handed to work from school and bracketed by the family in the beginning and the nursing home in the end, are habituated to hierarchy and psychologically enslaved. Their aptitude for autonomy is so atrophied that their fear of freedom is among their few rationally grounded phobias. Their obedience training at work carries over into the families they start, thus reproducing the system in more ways than one, and into politics, culture and everything else. Once you drain the vitality from people at work, they'll likely submit to hierarchy and expertise in everything. They're used to it."—Bob Black, The Abolition of Work and other essays, pp. 21-2

When elitists try to conceive of liberation, they can only think of it being given to the oppressed by kind (for Leninists) or stupid (for Objectivists) elites. It is hardly surprising, then, that it fails. Only self-liberation can produce a free society. The crushing and distorting effects of authority can only be overcome by self-activity. The few examples of such self-liberation prove that most people, once considered incapable of freedom by others, are more than up for the task.

Those who proclaim their "superiority" often do so out of fear that their authority and power will be destroyed once people free themselves from the debilitating hands of authority and come to realise that, in the words of Max Stirner, "the great are great only because we are on our knees. Let us rise"

As Emma Goldman remarks about women's equality, "[t]he extraordinary achievements of women in every walk of life have silenced forever the loose talk of women's inferiority. Those who still cling to this fetish do so because they hate nothing so much as to see their authority challenged. This is the characteristic of all authority, whether the master over his economic slaves or man over women. However, everywhere woman is escaping her cage, everywhere she is going ahead with free, large strides." [Vision on Fire, p. 256] The same comments are applicable, for example, to the very successful experiments in workers' self-management during the Spanish Revolution.

Then, of course, the notion that people are too stupid for anarchism to work also backfires on those who argue it. Take, for example, those who use this argument to advocate democratic government rather than anarchy. Democracy, as Luigi Galleani noted, means "acknowledging the right and the competence of the people to select their rulers." However, "whoever has the political competence to choose his [or her] own rulers is, by implication, also competent to do without them, especially when the causes of economic enmity are uprooted." [The End of Anarchism?, p. 37] Thus the argument for democracy against anarchism undermines itself, for "if you consider these worthy electors as unable to look after their own interests themselves, how is it that they know how to choose for themselves the shepherds who must guide them? And how will they be able to solve this problem of social alchemy, of producing the election of a genius from the votes of a mass of fools?" [Malatesta, Anarchy, pp. 53–4]

As for those who consider dictatorship as the solution to human stupidity, the question arises why are these dictators immune to this apparently universal human trait? And, as Malatesta noted, "who are the best? And who will recognise these qualities in them?" [Op. Cit., p. 53] If they impose themselves on the "stupid" masses, why assume they will not exploit and oppress the many for their own benefit? Or, for that matter, that they are any more intelligent than the masses? The history of dictatorial and monarchical government suggests a clear answer to those questions. A similar argument applies for other non-democratic systems, such as those based on limited suffrage. For example, the Lockean (i.e. classical liberal or right-wing libertarian) ideal of a state based on the rule of property owners is doomed to be little more than a regime which oppresses the majority to maintain the power and privilege of the wealthy few. Equally, the idea of near universal stupidity bar an elite of capitalists (the "objectivist" vision) implies a system somewhat less ideal than the perfect system presented in the literature. This is because most people would tolerate oppressive bosses who treat them as means to an end rather than an end in themselves. For how can you expect people to recognise and pursue their own self-interest if you consider them fundamentally as the "uncivilised hordes"? You cannot have it both ways and the "unknown ideal" of pure capitalism would be as grubby, oppressive and alienating as "actually existing" capitalism.

As such, anarchists are firmly convinced that arguments against anarchy based on the lack of ability of the mass of people are inherently self-contradictory (when not blatantly self-servicing). If people are too stupid for anarchism then they are too stupid for any system you care to mention. Ultimately, anarchists argue that such a perspective simply reflects the servile mentality produced by a hierarchical society rather than a genuine analysis of humanity and our history as a species. To quote Rousseau:

"when I see multitudes of entirely naked savages scorn European voluptuousness and endure hunger, fire, the sword, and death to preserve only their independence, I feel that it does not behove slaves to reason about freedom."—Rousseau, quoted by Noam Chomsky, Marxism, Anarchism, and Alternative Futures, p. 780

[dent-de-leon]

Keith (for character meme) cause I love it whenever you talk about him. ͡° ͜ʖ ͡ –

Why I like them: This honestly requires like, five entire essays on it’s own. Keith, to me, is an incredibly well developed, multifaceted character. I was drawn to him from the very first episode, from the moment I saw him charge the garrison eyes blazing, vindictive and vengeful–only for that fire to smother as soon as he laid eyes on Shiro, suddenly soft and vulnerable. From the moment he tried so hard to bond with his Lion. From the moment he said, “It was an honor flying with you boys.” I loved how he came across as harsh and cold to the others, but was so clearly struggling with his emotions and a very withdrawn, albeit passionate–compassionate–person. I love how gentle and nurturing he actually is by nature, how he’s incredibly protective with a fierce believe in fighting for good and defending others.

He’s someone who’s been burned by fate at every turn, who has no family to speak of, who lost his only friend and wondered out into the desert with nothing to lose. I found him incredibly relatable–with his fear of rejection, with how he pushed others away to avoid getting too close. With his passionate and vivid his emotions were, to the point of becoming overwhelmed and requiring a means to cope–“Patience yields focus.” Someone who was a bit touch averse yet still craved comfort–with Shiro especially he becomes particularly tactile. Someone with definitive personal loyalties even at the stake of the mission–see: every time he goes back on an objective in order to prioritize Shiro’s safety. I felt for those aspects of Keith acutely, and his character’s become very close to my heart ever since. 

Ostracized on Earth, only to feel isolated once again in space when he realizes he’s not so human. Someone unable to properly let his walls down and feels a very distinct disconnect from others, who struggled with control of his incredibly volatile emotions but so badly wanted to do “better” and regain control. Someone who so desperately wants to be “good,” who literally says, after finding out he too is galra–“But at the same time, couldn’t some of them be fighting for good?” Despite being logical and analytical, Keith is ultimately ruled by his heart and sense of morality, and it’s a very striking combination to me. That he’d do so much to save the universe that threw him away? It really resonates with me. 

Why I don’t: Antis claiming that Keith is a child and Shiro’s blood brother and also desperately longing after Lance since the garrison–despite, you know, not even knowing Lance’s name. The fact that those fans reduce him to such uncharacteristically base caricatures with little no regard for his feelings and agency. The fact that he’s supposedly “pretty” enough to be Lance’s prize and is little more than award to be given to Lance to show he’s finally “surpassed” Keith and become “superior” to him. The fact that anti’s k/l fanon dominates misinterpretation of him in fandom to the point where he’s completely unrecognizable. The fact that his relationship with Shiro is constantly trivialized, erased, reduced to “brothers” to avoid competition, or flat out edited out in favor of Lance because somehow that’s “better.” Despite, you know, Shiro being the only person that never abandoned Keith. I’m bothered by that same brand of fanon making Keith more promiscuous to suit k/l fanon while still claiming he’s apparently a child. 

Worst of all, I’m completely bothered by this same exact brand of fanon claiming they love Keith, but then hating him whenever he gets significant screen time, plot, background, or development that does not in any way shape or form serve either Lance or k/l. Because there’s this notion in fandom that Keith is meant to be seen and not heard, that he’s pretty and a pining hot mess for Lance and should step aside and let Lance lead in a heartbeat because he doesn’t deserve any narrative or agency beyond that. I’m sick of it. 

Favorite episode (scene if movie): Either Blade Of Marmora, Changing the Guard, Across the Universe, or Code of Honor. Yeah, I like a lot of Keith episodes–and sheith. It’s honestly really just too hard for me to pick at this point. Any episode that really explores Keith’s galra side and his bond with Shiro really speak to me. BOM especially really hit me, and had me tearing up a bit. Same with Changing the Guard. The latter and Code of Honor especially really instill you with this sense of hopelessness, this vivid fear that you can’t save everyone, that no matter how hard Keith tries he’ll keep losing the people close to him. It’s a detriment to his protective instincts, to this natural inclination to throw his own life on the line to shield everyone else. Keith’s such a caring, compassionate person. And it’s so heart wrenching when the narrative claws away at that weakness. 

Favorite season/movie: Season 2 had some prime Keith content, finally making tons of headway with Keith’s identity and backstory. Keith was badly in need of some development up until then–I still remember the show runners saying Keith had the least lines out of all of Team Voltron in season 1, even Coran. Keith’s motivations and background were a complete mystery, and it was so amazing to see those complex aspects of his character finally explored. Seeing how he connected to his galran side and had to learn to accept himself, to realize that things are never quite so black and white–I thought that was all a very interesting take on his character. Especially how resistant he is about eventually leading Voltron. And how that resistance stems from his very haunting fear of losing Shiro. 

But I mean, my heart also really felt for him in season 3. Again, I deeply relate to Keith, and seeing him go through those motions of grief, depressed and longing for this person he lost, trying his best to reach and reconnect, never losing faith–that hit me. Seeing Keith still believing in Shiro and refusing to move on, seeing him connect with Black as his last link to Shiro, watching him try to navigate his new room because of how strongly he believes in Voltron’s cause and Shiro’s last wishes. Seeing him have those grief-laden outbursts, still carrying a torch for Shiro when everyone told him to move on, relentlessly striving to save Shiro because he knew no one else would–it really hit me. Felt very viscerally real. 

Favorite line: Soooo many this is just…really incredibly difficult, oh man. Right now I’m very partial to, “As many times as it takes.” When he says it his voice is just so soft, so heartwarming and unabashed and reassuring, it’s just…the very intimately sweet moment where both his and Kuron’s feelings are laid bare. I love it. 

Favorite outfit: HIS BOM SUIT!! Both suits. But I’m really partial to new one right now cause I’m also loving the mask and hood :’) He looks so good I cry…really badly need the money and ability to cosplay that,, 

OTP: I literally don’t even need to describe this one because I’ve written like who knows how many fucking essays on it but,, sheith. Sheith. Sheith. Sheith. “Shiro and Keith have the closest relationship.” “His guiding light.” “Nothing was worth Shiro’s pain.” Take your pick. They’re in love and intimately connected throughout the narrative and they deserve each other, alright. Unconditional love and support at its finest.

Brotp: Mentioned here in Allura’s post, but Keith and Allura! 

Head Canon: Keith and Shiro used to go out on late ride into the dessert on the red hover bike. They’d stop by the old shack and take a look at the stars and just…stop and appreciate those quiet, precious moments together they have. 

Unpopular opinion: Keith has no romantic interest in Lance and k/l would not only make no sense for the character, it would detract from him. He’s also not an angry, irrational hothead, nor is he by any means dumb or cruel. He doesn’t enjoy clashing heads with Lance, as clearly evident from he’s the one who tries to patch things up first and it was Lance who projected his insecurities onto Keith and sparked a one-side rivalry with unwarranted hostility. 

A wish: When all is said and done, at the end, Keith and Shiro are still together. Whether it’s back at the old shack or stranded on the other side of the universe, no matter what, they still have each other. 

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: Canon k/l because it wouldn’t make any sense and I care about Keith’s feelings, character, and development–all of which would have to be ceded for Lance’s sake and I’d hate every minute of it. 

5 words to best describe them: Loyalty. Protective. Knight. Passionate. Driven.  

My nickname for them: Star Knight ^^ ✨ 

#sheith #voltron #keith #shiro #vld keith

[haljathefangirlcat]

still thinking about that “we Have To Talk about how quips are ruining fandom by destroying meta and turning all fic into shitposts” post @ms-demeanor wrote a great rebuttal to, and about the other posts she wrote about it and about the You’re Doing Fandom Wrong attitude in it, and about the notes on those posts. not gonna reblog or reply to any of those because my thoughts are admittedly kind of random and jumping from place to place and probably OT to the point of the discussion, but you know. still thinking.

so, uh. not trying to start wank or anything but enjoy the ranting that got way out of hand under the cut.

so, like... that one “we can’t just block everyone who quips and shitposts because some of these people also write actual meta but then they unfortunately go back to Not Engaging With Canon by writing quippy shitpost-y stuff” line, or however it was actually phrased? besides the blatant entitlement with the “you have to fandom ONLY in ways I like, I can’t just engage with the part of the content you create that I’m interested in and scroll past the rest” thing (which kinda reminds me of the whole “you can’t CNTW on some of your fics, I should be able to read ALL of your fics” thing, in a way) and the ”I refuse to curate my fandom experience and I’ll make it some stranger’s problem” thing (which... reminds me of a few other things, but tbf it has probably been around since the very first days of fandom), what if someone doesn’t even see meta and quips/shitposts as fundamentally different and mutually exclusive approaches to fandom? what if they see them as just two ways to be interested in a specific fandom and interact with it, and maybe even closely linked together, so going from one to another is actually very, very easy for them? hell, what if they (gasp!) even mix quips and meta together sometimes?

I have a few posts about what I think Baran bo Odar and Jantje Friese might have been doing with mythological references and themes in Dark, and about what I got from the series finale. some are meme-like, phrased in a joking tone, probably even shitpost-y? another one is literally just a gifset plus me having intense Feels in the tags, and the last one is an edit of the kind I’ve seen people complain about as “those cringey unoriginal tumblr aesthetics that all look the same” in at least a couple of occasions. does that automatically mean I only wanted to “win” at fandom (with my hard-earned prize being... a handful of notes in a fandom that’s not even that big compared to others) and that I haven’t actually spent probably way too much time thinking about the significance of Martha’s Ariadne play as a commentary on character interactions/plot/narrative themes (and honestly still do from time to time), or that I don’t occasionally read the captions under other people’s gifsets and suddenly feel very much enlightened about why the Ariadne play mentions the myth of the Flood of all things? that I didn’t start reading posts and comments and reviews and theories about the series finale as soon as I finished watching it? that, just because I didn’t write 10K+ words of Perfectly Serious Seriousness about all that stuff, I simply refused to Engage With The Text? 

... and if I said that I feel a little irrationally self-conscious at the idea of writing down all of my (often rambling, sometimes jumbled) thoughts about a series that to me actually does feel very deep and complex, so adding memes and humor to that or finding different means to put my ideas out there makes me feel more comfortable expressing myself while also taking off the (admittedly made-up) pressure of having to write a whole coherent essay where I have to find a clear and explicit way to explain where every single thought comes from and how it leads to the next like I’m gonna get graded on it? or that a lot of those thoughts stem from memories of spending five years of high school translating and analysing ancient Greek poetry and reading and watching and discussing every available interpretation and reinterpretation of it from Nietzsche to Vernant to Dürrenmatt to Christa Wolf to Pasolini to a lot of others and from certain things in Dark violently hurtling me back to those times without even asking for permission, so a part of my self-consciousness is actually “I probably don’t actually know/remember enough about this to base a whole in-depth analysis on it even though I do think there’s something there” and another part is “shit I’m too lazy to dig through all of my old textbooks and homework and additional readings to hunt for the thing I feel the desperate need to reference or figure out who might have said it, so no extended explanation here either”? I guess in the end it would all boil down to “there’s an amount of effort and physical and mental energy I’m willing to put into fandom but I also have limits to stop something that makes me feel happy from becoming a chore”, which. considering the whole “you have to put all your resources into constantly pouring out 100% serious meta and nothing else because that’s what I like, no deviations allowed” thing? yeah, I can see saying stuff like that would still make me a blight upon fandom. and/or Not Engaging.

which, I realize, it’s a thing I keep coming back to. but that’s because I really, really, really hate it? seriously, what even counts as Engaging With The Text correctly? not shitposts, and not quips either, apparently. Regardless of the fact that humor and crack have existed in fandom since forever and that it’s actually not uncommon AT ALL for them to be born out of looking at canon from different angles, pointing out whatever the fan in question finds surreal/strange/implausible/convoluted/awkward/just kinda funny about it. 

also, not canon divergence/what if fics motivated not by a desire to “fix” something that made us feel bad when it happened in canon but by a desire to actually fix what we felt was objectively a poor writing choice from the author, because we shouldn’t Engage by analysing the text to criticize it or to think over how and why certain aspects of it don’t work for us or how we think the structure of the text itself could be modified or even improved, we should Engage by... writing meta and/or writing canon-compliant fics with perhaps a little allowance for slightly-to-the-left-of-canon-compliant missing moments fics, I guess? 

from what I’ve gathered from reading other fandom discussion some time ago, AUs are also out, especially Modern/No Powers AUs, because those are always just an excuse to slap your fave’s name on your OC/disguise your original fiction as fanfic to get comments/ignore all that’s interesting about canon to write yet another dumb syrupy high school or coffee shop AU, even if I’m honestly not sure what kind of AUs people are even reading to never get to the “there’s no supernatural threat so let’s focus entirely on the fucked-up family dynamics and blatant mental issues in a world where you can’t just ignore them by marrying off your daughter or sending your son to be someone’s squire” AUs or the “this is pretty much what happens in canon but adding new dimensions and different outlooks on the themes by moving everything to a new context” AUs. seriously, I could rec you a pretty great “this guy would be a horrible father and treat his children horribly in any world, it’s not just the feudal society around him, it’s him as a person” AU and that’s literally just the first thing that came to my mind. but, hey, maybe Engaging is only engaging with the canon plot and setting and nothing else, what do I know.

... fuck, thinking about it, I’m not even sure if by “not shitpost and not quips” I should even mean humor/crack? because it’s not like the OP was clear about it in any way? maybe it’s just all that’s weird and tropey and not-canon-compliant? I can see the “everybody gathers in the main character’s stuff to smoke weed and weird shit happens” fic I got a chuckle out of some time ago being one of the dreaded tumblr-born shitpost fics that are supposedly ruining fandom by ensuring that fans stop thinking (?), but what about the “everything is the same but this one character is a catboy, not for any particular reason but just because” fic I’m currently following and loving? people have been joking and shitposting about catboys a lot on tumblr lately (I distinctly remember that the last catboy joke to pop up on my dash was the “I’m your catboy gf and I’m stuck in a wall” one...) and finding an always-a-catboy!AU initially got an amused smile out of me, so is the mere premise enough to make the fic just a joke/just taking a trope and running off with it/just part of a shallow trend? even when the author literally goes “oh shit just realized this is all a metaphor for neuodivergence and masking” in the story notes? unless writing a character who’s never explicitly stated to be neurodivergent in canon as a being literally or metaphorically neurodivergent in your fic is always shallow projecting or posturing issuefic... instead of, y’know, looking closely at the text and Engaging with it by interpreting it that way....

I feel all this ranting/venting might end up plunging into Why We Slash discussion territory now, so I better stop here.

anyway, in short, good to know I’ve been in fandom for years yet I’ve always been just a Fake Fan who Can’t Think and is constantly Doing It Wrong (by Not Being Transformative Enough, possibly). gonna do my best to stay exactly like that in the future <3

#... see THIS is why i don't write meta #fic is so much easier be it crack or not #ugh i feel i should probably delete this to avoid a giant headache but let's give it a try

[lokgifsandmusings]

Definitive Ranking of Book 1 Episodes, #10/12

10. 1x11 Skeletons in the Closet

Bending is ILLEGAL, Asami drops it like it’s hot, a wild fanservice appears, and Noatak and Tarrlok build a snowman.

*Back a month later with Starbucks and more nitpicks*

Actually, real talk: can someone explain why part of the goyim gets upset with Starbucks not being Chirstmasy enough? Because I was just in one and it looks like Rudolph threw up everywhere. What ever happened to a nice autumnal display...

No, let’s get back to definitively ranking Book 1 episodes!

And let me just say: this has been a struggle. I know logically that Book 1 is fine. Obviously it engaged me enough to watch Book 2, even if I only saw the back-half in one sitting while I was drunk. But still, like I said in my first essay on this season, it just doesn’t get any deeper, unlike the other books. Instead, you notice all the hanging threads, and tugging on them leads to...well, whatever this is.

The thing is, I purposely do these definitive rankings in reverse order so that I sound increasingly more enthused. But when I saw I’d be writing about this one, I sat staring for five minutes trying to come up with a reason as to why it was better than “The One With All The Love Triangles” or “The One Where Amon Gets Caught.” It has slightly fewer contrivances?

Okay, stepping back, this episode isn’t all that complicated, or all that bad, really. The Equalists have taken over Republic City after their carpet bombing of it (you know...for equality!), so the Krew is underground in the sewers, eatin’ street gruel and flirtin’ with the person they’re not dating 10 feet away from the person they are dating. We get a glimpse of Republic City under the Equalists, which includes the apparent outlawing of bending, coupled with a line of handcuffed and blindfolded benders being paraded before Amon to be “cleansed of their impurity.”

Iroh II sails his face into a trap, and then he, Bolin, and Asami decide to go after Hiroshi’s army of biplanes (to prevent them from doing the same to Bumi’s fleet), while Korra and Mako want to go after Amon himself. They sneak onto Air Temple Island so they can ambush him, only to find a de-bended Tarrlok locked up. He explains how he and Amon are both sons of Yakone, and they can all bloodbend any day of the year. That’s how Amon has been taking away people’s bending. Korra and Mako then decide they’re going to expose Amon as a waterbender at his Equalist rally.

Let’s leave the Noatuk truth-bomb for last, cause that’s worth digging into a bit. Character-wise, this isn’t a very strong episode for any member of the Krew. Asami finally pulls the plug on Mako, I guess, which given that he’s acting like Korra’s boyfriend anyway makes plenty of sense. So that’s something? Otherwise, the biggest moment is Korra deciding she has to go after Amon herself. Which is kind of regressive? I mean, she doesn’t really have the skills or capacity to beat the guy, and the last time she tried to seek him out to fight on her terms, she got captured and very nearly lost her bending.

Korra: Wait, I'm sorry, but I'm not going with you tomorrow.

Mako: What?

Asami: Why not?

Korra: I'm sick and tired of hiding from Amon. It's time I face him.

Iroh: That's not a good plan. We need to stick together.

Korra: I'm not waiting for him to hunt me down. My guts tell me it's time to end this, on my terms.

Iroh: Korra, this is not a mission you should be handling alone.

Don’t get me wrong: it’s totally understandable why Korra would not want to just wait for Amon to go after her, and why she feels she’s not exactly needed in this “destroy the fleet mission.” But like, isn’t the protagonist supposed to have some kind of character growth?

I know I talked about this already in my “Endgame” piece, and yes, I think overall it’s a good thing that she had plenty of space to keep growing after Book 1. It just seems strange that her solution to the Amon situation is more “well NOW I’m going to do something about it!” despite her being no more prepared to take this on. Despite her having no strategy past “ambushing” him on Air Temple Island. And guess what, even when she has more information and tries to approach it in an inventive way, she still gets her ass kicked! She still gets de-bended!

Again, this is a narrative. What is the message supposed to be in Korra pursuing this option? Are we supposed to be cheering with her? Are we supposed to agree with Iroh?

Really, it’s this episode where the backwards nature of the writing becomes clear. Bryke needed Korra and  Mako pursuing Amon alone. They needed them to run into Tarrlok. They needed a way for Amon to get exposed by forcing him to waterbend. They needed Korra to get de-bended but then still airbend. None of this particularly flowed from character actions, and certainly not personalities. Shit just occurred *to* our protagonists, and that’s disappointing to think about in a story as thoughtful and intriguing as LoK.

I’m not saying that plot-points shouldn’t be planned out, btw! I’m just saying that they need to be done with respect to characterization and character journeys. Book 2 was one stumbling block after another, but that finale came together spectacularly well because the focus was on Korra’s arc. She beat Unalaq by literally tapping into the core of who she was and ripping her reality into existence. Sure there were contrivances that set it up, but we’re not talking Korra just randomly going against her own self-interest. That was Civil Wars!

Really, the emotional weight of this episode was Tarrlok’s story (and I know mileage varies there), so maybe this complaint is more along the lines of a nitpick. But it’s incredibly disappointing on a revisit to realize that Korra more or less stagnated after 1x04, with a small exception being in her attitude towards Asami (the result of exposure). Which maybe is what was behind Korra being the one to put up boundaries with Mako this episode? Mildly?

However, this also means that Korra’s most significant character development of the season was in the context of navigating the teenage dating game. And I’d be floored if that’s really what people wanted out of the Avatar franchise, or what Bryke even intended.

That’s maybe the kicker, here. This was the episode where it felt as though Bryan and Mike just had to start wrapping things up, logic-be-damned! But...wasn’t this the season where they had the most amount of time to plan?

Even a very small change could have gone a long way. A common complaint of “Endgame” is that the airbenders just showed up on stage, handcuffed. I don’t mind that it “undercut” Lin’s sacrifice (mostly because I don’t think it *did*. The point was that she was willing to do that), but I do think it felt like a total asspull when we more or less saw them get away. But what if word somehow reached the sewers (or was even intentionally delivered there) that Amon was holding the airbenders captive? Hell maybe Iroh could have brought this information. Then, that would have created a sense of urgency where it made sense for the Krew to split up, and it would have made sense for Korra and Mako to go to Air Temple Island specifically. Did they even have a way of knowing that’s where Amon was operating within this episode?

Again, writers should generally have an endpoint in mind that they write to. But it shouldn’t require contortions in logic to get there. And if you can’t think of a compelling reason for your characters to reach it...well...it’s probably time to rethink those beats, then. “Skeletons in the Closet” is an episode where just about everything that happens felt like it needed a second thought.

A perfectly good example of that is with the Equalists. In “Turning the Tides,” they bombed the entire city and captured enough benders where in this episode, they had an incredibly long line of them just waiting to be de-bended, including more policemen and White Lotus Members. The Equalists also declared bending illegal and stuck an Amon mask on Aang’s statue.

I have just...so many questions about how all this works. Like, logistically how have The Equalists actually taken over a city? I mean first of all, the crowd to whom Hiroshi announced bending being outlawed makes Trump’s inauguration look impressive.

Second of all, if we just talk about power dynamics of the universe, how does this work:

These are the SUPERPOWERED people. And the ones we’re seeing in this picture are literally trained fighters. They’ve got blindfolds on so...that’s it? Game over? No seismic-sense earthbenders? I’m not trying to victim blame here, but when you’ve got such a disparity in skill, to see these proportions of the benders to nonbenders here, with the benders doing absolutely nothing but being faceless and passive, it really pushes the envelope of believability.

Wasn’t the implication of the Equalist revolution that there actually was a revolution? That the *masses* went along with this, since they were the ones abused, ignored, and/or silenced under bender rule? Except then that makes the Equalists carpet-bombing the city even weirder, because this aftermath doesn’t seem to follow. Unless the only survivors were the people at Hiroshi’s rally.

Again, it’s the backwards writing. They needed the Equalists to have taken over, so they did. I’d totally buy the Equalists just controlling Air Temple Island and camping out there, maybe with important prisoners, but no. They successfully destroyed the United Forces and it was bad enough that their general had to retreat into the sewers and communicate his orders through Gommu.

I almost don’t even want to touch Iroh. He’s fanservice, and pretty heavy-handed fanservice at that. I really don’t care about giving people *something*, but fanservice that works is like...the picture of Aang airbend-juggling sushi rolls. It’s not some rando Mary Sue (and I truly mean a textbook Mary Sue here) showing up, ordering around our main characters to get us to the next action set-piece, and then watching him literally fly around with no explanation as he grounds Hiroshi’s fleet and saves the day.

He’s significant to us because we recognize his namesake, and because he’s voiced by Dante Basco. But just imagine if you were a viewer watching LoK without having seen ATLA. Wouldn’t this character feel incredibly odd to you? Wouldn’t you wonder why we were focusing on him at the cost of our regulars getting more time to contend with this new situation?

Like, oh I don’t know...ASAMI? I know, I know what this sounds like. At this point I’m gonna just lean into my reputation. But seriously, her FATHER just bombed the city, he’s making speeches about illegal bending, he blows up Iroh’s fleet here with inventions we didn’t know existed, they make a plan that revolves around facing head-on, and we get a single line of dialogue from her about it. Which the transcript hilariously describes as “somewhat bitterly”:

“It's time to take down my father.”

Yes, that was somewhat of a reaction. Does anyone want to check in if she’s conflicted?

Or like, Korra is apparently driven by extreme impatience now. Even though Mako says she won’t go alone, is there a reason we don’t get anyone actually challenging this or asking why she can’t help with the airfield and *then* go after Amon? Especially Mako, since he’s signing up for it, and he was the one with a slightly more cautious approach to sneaky things in 1x03?

“Hmm ... My grandfather would respect the Avatar's instinct. So will I.”

Aaaaand finally, speaking of “who are you and why are you suddenly the focal point?”, we’ve got the infamous bloodbending brothers.

Uh, so. Confession: I actually kind of like them? I mean, they ranked halfway up my list in the Definitive Ranking of Complicated Familial Dynamics, so that’s something. But really, I think their story in and of itself is fine. It’s about the futility of revenge, I guess, and there’s the poetic tragedy of the way both brothers did become instruments of their father’s plans despite the fact that they both wanted to escape that fate. Tarrlok wanted to be the city’s savior and have influence through upstanding, noble means; a clear backlash against his crime-boss father ruling from the “underbelly” through brute force. Noatak, meanwhile, truly believed that so long as people had the potential for the fighting dominance his father displayed, there could be no justice in the world. He was a bender who hated his own power, and emulated Aang’s course of action with Yakone, which somewhat ironically led him to think that he truly needed to debend Korra.

It’s a bit of flawed logic, I guess. “I’ll never become an instrument of revenge against the Avatar! Instead, I’ll apply what the Avatar did to you to *all* benders...including the Avatar!”

I guess he’s just an equal-opportunity debender who understands the symbolic importance of taking away Korra’s bending? Oh look, I made a pun.

But yeah, it’s a fine enough story, and I’m not sure we’re supposed to be viewing Amon as the world’s most balanced thinker anyway.

The problems with Amon are that the Equalist logistics don’t make much sense, as I noted, and the guy himself gleefully debending the sole survivors of genocide in the name of justice is a bit much to swallow, especially after Bryke tried to demonstrate how nonbenders really do have legitimate grievances with regards to their treatment by members of triads and law enforcement alike. Of course the puppy-kicker had to go down, and it’s kind of a shame that what was a nuanced issue was turned into something so black-and-white.

The problem with the bloodbending brothers, however, is actually one that’s kind of similar to the problem with Kuvira. Their personal stakes are entirely disconnected from Korra herself. She runs into them, and has altercations with them, and as the Avatar she has a unique symbolic and political importance. Therefore she “matters” in both of their plans, which is why Tarrlok kidnapped her (what was the long term of that, exactly?), and Amon purposely didn’t take away her bending when he first captured her. It’s similar to how Kuvira understood that Korra had an importance to the people of the Earth Kingdom and for that reason, took pleasure in knocking her down a peg after her absence for three years; but she was driven by personal reasons relating to the Beifongs.

And this is fine, by the way. I’d say LoK’s most successful antagonist was Zaheer, who again, was targeting Korra for strategic reasons, but not exactly personal ones. Not every conflict is going to be Clark Kent vs. Lex Luthor, with years of history and damage between them. I do happen to think that kind of dynamic is the most effective (Zuko and Azula, anyone?), but again, villains being motivated by something entirely external to the protagonist is absolutely fine, even if it’s their own personal familial baggage.

However, given that Book 1 tripped over itself and couldn’t actually land the beats of the main plotline, nor provide Korra with any sort of growth in its telling...having the focus on the bloodbending brothers is incredibly weird. Like, why was the creative energy put here, of all things? It’s a sad story, sure, but what does it actually mean to Korra?

Being generous, it allows her to create a plan where she exposes Amon instead of trying to brute-force the situation, but...that plan doesn’t work at all, and she wins by punching. Was this showing development in her strategic thinking? This goes back to the issue of her wanting to hunt down Amon again.

What it sort of feels like, and forgive me for saying this, is spin-off fanfic that people wrote who got interested in the villains. It’s not *bad* by any means. There’s interesting dynamics here. But it shouldn’t come at the cost of Korra’s journey, which it did. In the end, the biggest moment of the season was Tarrlok’s murder/suicide. It’s a tragic story, sure. It’s just not Korra’s. And at least with Kuvira, it was her arc that bent to suit Korra’s needs, not the other way around.

I’m pretty sure from here on out I’ll actually have some positive things to say about Book 1 episodes, don’t worry. It’s just the final chapter of the season is really where all the flaws of the storytelling came into full view, and though “Turning the Tides” arguably started that, this is the episode where the wheels came off. “Endgame” was the crash.

#12 1x12 “Endgame”

#11 1x05 “The Spirit of Competition"

1x11 photo recap found here

Book 2 ranking/essays found here

Book 4 ranking/essays found here

#book 1 ranking #lok meta #korra #yakone #equalists

[bthump]

Well this originally started out as a jokey take on how heterosexuality is the True Villain of Berserk, but then I was like, shit this actually works surprisingly well and is kind of depressing. So now I’m doing it more seriously. This isn’t meant to be some grand unifying theory of Berserk lol, it’s not even close to airtight or anything, the story just happens to lend itself weirdly well to this particular reading.

So here’s how Griffith’s narrative works as an almost certainly accidental, yet imo somewhat relatable, metaphor for being closeted and repressed:

The only way for him to realize his dream is to marry the princess. War, battles, glory, promotions, even the Eclipse, those are all stepping stones that enable him to one day marry Charlotte. Marriage is the only door to his dream. Even when he becomes saviour of the world, he’s still gotta marry a woman to make it official.

Griffith’s all-encompassing, all-important dream is embodied by heterosexual marriage.

Set up in perfect opposition to that dream, the only one who makes him forget about it, and the one he has to sacrifice to attain his dream, is Guts, the man he’s in love with.

So it should be pretty apparent how that central conflict lends itself to a closeted gay man torn between obligation and desire kinda reading, right?

The details don’t do much to counter it either. It’s Charlotte’s presence that creates the rift between Guts and Griffith - she’s there, refocusing Griffith’s attention from Guts to his heteronormative goal during their significant, romanticized staircase conversation when Guts asked why Griffith would risk his life for him and Griffith failed to give him a reason. And she’s the one Griffith directs the speech to, inadvertantly convincing Guts that he doesn’t care about him and making Guts decide to leave.

The dream is also defined by emotional repression. To achieve it Griffith has to project a perfect image of himself to everyone - the nobles, Charlotte, the hawks, everyone. When Casca catches him in a moment of vulnerability and watches him injure himself in a river he snaps out of it, represses, and acts like nothing happened afterwards. Guts is the only person he willingly allows to see him less than perfect - when he’s conducting assassinations, for instance. He opens up to him in emotional vulnerability when he asks “do you think I’m cruel?” In that moment, Guts suggests that Griffith’s emotional expression of vulnerability is incompatible with achieving his dream - “Ain’t this part of the path to your dream? You believe that, don’t you?”

Guts is able to walk away and abandon Griffith because Griffith can’t tell him how he feels, he can’t tell Guts why he risked his life for him and he can’t tell him that he wants him to stay. Casca even points out that they should stop and talk things out, and we the reader know that their rift is based entirely on a misunderstanding that could be cleared up so talking things through would actually achieve something - but she’s dismissed, and they duel instead.

So a dichotemy is set up between the dream/Charlotte/heteronormativity, and emotional repression vs Guts the man Griffith loves, and expressing his feelings for him.

The tragedy of Berserk is that repression wins.

Guts leaves because Griffith can’t express how he feels. Griffith has sex with Charlotte in an attempt to seize his dream, having lost Guts, (of course this act of striving for his dream is represented by heterosexual sex) and ends up trapped in a dungeon. There he both finally admits to himself that Guts is more important to him than his dream and fittingly loses the ability to communicate at all. He’s also, to top it off, locked away behind a mask modeled after the helmet he wore while pursuing his dream. After losing Guts and having sex with Charlotte he’s not just choosing not to express his emotions, he’s forced to remain silent and hidden.

After he’s rescued the mask stays on and words remain unspoken. A lot of shit happens and eventually he has a breakdown. And interestingly, it’s not just the prospect of Guts leaving again that causes him to finally break from reality. It’s also the thought of Casca staying.

After overhearing Guts and Casca he envisions himself chasing his dream again (and isn’t it fitting that it’s described as playing? ie not real, a make-believe expression of himself), and then he sees himself - and here it gets really depressing - seemingly married to Casca. He’s still helpless and unable to communicate, as though he’s caged inside of himself. In his vision Casca wears a dress, has hung up her sword, and is raising a son with him, named after the man Griffith is in love with. Griffith is dressed up and attractive again. It’s terribly picturesque in a idealistic heternormative way. Casca leans down to kiss him and then spoonfeeds him, all the while he’s silent and motionless and seems lost as all he thinks to himself is that the peace and quiet isn’t so bad.

Tbh if you’re reading Griffith as a gay man this dream comes across as a nightmarish metaphor for being trapped in repression, trapped in a heterosexual marriage and societal expectations, his voice, body, and even his own mind lost. It’s disturbing.

And in the soup made by Casca is the behelit.

The thing is that the behelit isn’t the escape from that nightmarish vision it seems to be at first - it’s an embodiment of it. What happens when Griffith summons the Godhand, sacrifices the Band and most notably Guts, and becomes a demon?

His heart is frozen. He’s later reborn with the sole purpose of becoming a wholly emotionless, utterly perfect image of himself - the image he’d tried to project as a human: a perfect saviour, a perfect leader, and a perfect fiancee, straight out of a fairytale. One half of a perfect heterosexual couple, ruling a perfect kingdom.

Femto’s new body incorporates the mask he was forced to wear in the torture chamber. The transformation doesn’t fix the problem caused by his broken body or his lost tongue, it doesn’t return his ability to express his feelings to him, it rips them out from the source - it destroys his emotions so he has nothing left to express. “This peace and quiet... isn’t so bad.”

When Griffith chose to sacrifice Guts he didn’t choose freedom or personal empowerment - he chose to remain a voiceless, tortured man in a locked cell, he just removed his ability to feel pain or long for more.

(Or tried to at least. Time will tell how his newly bthumping heart figures into everything.)

Disclaimer: I don’t think this works as like... a great, sensitive and thoughtful depiction of the effects of internalized homophobia on a gay man lol. Berserk is offensive and homophobic af and choosing to read it like this doesn’t fix that problem at all. I just kind of dodged some of the worse stuff but yk, there’s no way around the fact that griffith/femto/ngriff is a gay-coded antagonist and most of his villainy revolves around that coding.

Also I’m mostly closeted myself so there’s definitely some projection going on here. That’s partially the point of this. I don’t relate fully to this narrative but some aspects of what I wrote do hit home, and hopefully that comes across and this doesn’t feel exploitative.

@yesgabsstuff @mastermistressofdesire I’ve mentioned this essay b4 and I believe you’ve both expressed interest in a complete version so voila.

#a #b #character: griffith #arc: ga #theme: dreams #theme: repression #theme: heteronormativity #character: neogriffith

[interviewtion]

Niku Gutfuck Interviewtion

In this interview I talked to Texas-based musician Niku Gutfuck about the role of ambient music as a healing tool, the inspirations for their new EP, and the process of focusing on addressing mental health.  Q: You’re extremely honest and outspoken about your struggles with mental health. How have those struggles informed and inspired the music you make, especially on this new EP?

A: I've had these issues for a long time but never bothered to talk about them. I never really knew how to. That said, I didn't know how to make art about them either. I didn't even know I had bipolar disorder or OCD until I was diagnosed this year. It all made sense after I was diagnosed, but finding out I just...gave up. I stopped caring. I skipped class, I never went outside, I avoided other people. I just kinda existed. 

Relating this to the EP, someone very dear to me who had been a very big part of my life for about two years tried desperately to help me. They tried their best, but the issue is I didn't. I instead, pulled the stupid pity party card multiple times and found myself being like "well, this is just life. Whatever," rather than growing the fuck up and taking the initiative to make things in my life better. Suffering took zero effort. That's why I decided to just be miserable. Eventually, these issues of mine took control. 

I said things I didn't mean and acted in ways I never thought I would, all to this person that has always been there for me. I hurt them badly. We ended up going our separate ways. I didn't realize how much their company meant to me and how much I had taken them for granted until they were gone. It was too late. I grew the fuck up too late. I did everything too late. 

I found myself remembering that this person always told me that I was one of the few people who truly cared about them. That I was always there for them. That I was very important to them. And in return I gave them a big "fuck you" without even realizing it because I was so clouded by my own self loathing and selfishness. It fucked me up. I considered this person family, and honestly still do. But because of me they are gone. It pains me more than I could ever explain. 

This EP is about that. It's about me grieving over losing this person. How much I miss them. How sorry I am. How I decided to start self harming because I couldn't live with myself. How I became even more of a shut in because of my actions. And finally, realizing that I need to change. 

It's entirely ambient because I feel like droney ambient music is best at giving off intended emotions. Ambient music is very personal, I feel like lots of people don't realize that. The message behind the EP is "look into yourself, see if your problems are becoming you, and change it before it comes at a price that you would have no choice to pay." 

I don't want my listeners to be like me, I want them to learn from me. I don't see myself as a role model. I see myself  as a colossal fuck up that's trying to change their ways and NOT be a colossal fuck up. I care so much about all of my supporters and their well being. To be honest, I want to make that person proud despite everything. I hope I am. Take your mental health seriously. You don't want to find comfort in your problems. That's a path that leads to a very dark place.

Q: In your essay on your latest release you talk a little bit about Tamakichi Anaru, so how has his visual work inspired your own music? A: Snuff films used to really interest me in the sense that I never really got what motivated people to do such acts. Anaru-san's work is very very violent and, to be blunt, fucked up in nature ranging from the most heinous acts of violence to straight up gore porn. I find Anaru-san's work to be in a sense some of the most human shit. To explain, we're fucked up. 

I have a writer friend named Noah, who once told me that he believes that humans are naturally born evil. Though it isn't as black and white as that, there is some truth to the statement. The human race in general is just fucked up. We spread the message of loving each other through media outlets or to strangers passing by, yet we hurt each other every single day. Slavery, genocide, war, oppression, even things that are on a smaller scale like bullying. This is the shit we do to each other. We make each other miserable. 

I feel like, in a way, Anaru-san's work is a manifestation of that. It's fucked up, and in no way do I condone any of it, but at the end of the day all of us have the potential to be fucked up. Some people just choose to hide it behind a mask. Q: What made you end the Midori Kida project in order to start releasing music as Niku Gutfuck? A: Niku Gutfuck started last year, actually. I was releasing very violent harsh noise music, it was straight up a wall of power electronics. The project initially was started because of my experiences with anger issues and obsessive compulsive disorder. 

It was meant to portray a feeling of anger. As a society, we look down upon anger. Anger is painted in a negative light all the time, people with bad anger issues are often demonized, and looked at as violent people that just want to inflict pain on others. For the longest time, I shamed myself for it because of that. I believe that we shouldn't be judged for our emotions, but for our actions. Anger is human. We tend to think of humanity as whatever the media portrays humanity as. That feeling of being an outcast due to my issues was initially what inspired Niku Gutfuck. 

Midori Kida, however, wasn't at all as deep as that, nor do I think it ever could have been. I was catering. It was me not being myself. It felt like I was making music under someone else’s project. That's a very harmful way to look at doing something you like to do, but it's the truth. I didn't realize just how personal Niku Gutfuck was until very recently, so I decided to keep the name and take the project to new places, while still keeping the themes that were personally significant to me.

Q: How did you choose the name Niku Gutfuck for this project? Are you worried at all that a name like that might turn some people away from listening to the music? A: Originally I just picked it because it sounded violent and angry enough for the context of the music, but after I got tired and upset with Midori Kida, I realized I had some personal connections to it. Like I said, Anaru-san's films depict the ugly fucked up side of humans that we like to pretend doesn't exist. Well, one has to be ridiculously fucked in the head to commit such heinous acts of violence upon another person. To me, it's giving in to your mental health problems. Letting them take control and change you. You're no longer yourself, you're your problems wearing your skin and passing off as you. It makes you harm people, break others, destroy them because your mental health problems grabbed you by the collar and you didn't have the willpower to force them to put you down. Just like I did to my best friend. 

Like I said before, I want to make music so people learn from my mistakes, I don't want people to be like me, I want people to LEARN from me. Mental health problems can be fixed with time, willpower, and effort. It takes courage. Something I lacked. And in turn I hurt someone who was very important to me. Niku Gutfuck is supposed to symbolize that. Not even being yourself anymore. Becoming a costume that your paranoia wears to look like you. 

I was worried about the name at first, and in a way I still am, but the more I thought about the personal aspects the more I felt like I had to. I'm so obsessed with people being happy honestly. Happiness is the best thing in the world in my opinion. Just seeing someone, anyone, happy makes me emotional and happy too. But while that's something I wanna do with my art, at the end of the day I need to do this for myself too. I do this for other people, but I also do it for me. Art is the only method of self expression that I have. I want to make things for people who need it, but how can I expect my art to help others if it can't even help me first?

Q: What is the appeal of ambient music for you? A: My friend Warren (he makes music as Foxes in Fiction) once described ambient music as "audio xanax". I think that's very accurate. To me, ambient music is the epitome of emotion. A lot of ambient and drone-y experimental music doesn't have a ton going on, and I normally see that as a common complaint with the genre. I, however, think that is fine. There is this science where certain frequencies and tones can make people feel certain emotions. Music can be healing. That inspires me a lot. 

Ambient music is a genre I always find myself going back to, especially when things start to become overbearing. You don't have to worry about any drastic changes, it's pretty much just music to remember things to. I enjoy that. I'm a very sentimental and sensitive person, so I remember things in my life a lot. Good and bad. Ambient music tends to be my soundtrack for that.

Q: Who are some of your personal favorite ambient/drone/noise artists? Do you have three albums in those genres you would recommend to people who aren’t familiar with them? A: An artist that has always been there for me is Yuko Imada. In fact, Yuko Imada's "Untitled (Moon)" was pretty much 99% of the inspiration for Everything is Gone. On Seeing has been my favorite song for years, I listen to it when insomnia keeps me up. I Am A Lake of Burning Orchids has also inspired me a ton as well. I also can't go without mentioning Watashi no Koko and Apollo Knives. Since I have quite a few influences for this album, I decided to give five recommendations instead of three, simply because there are a lot I recommend. Yuko Imada - Untitled (Moon) I Am A Lake of Burning Orchids - Summer in My Veins Apollo Knives - The Harshest Winter Watashi no Koko - まごころを君に Nobuto Suda - Modest Calm I also want to point out that the Yume Nikki and .flow soundtracks are fucking fantastic. They inspire me a lot, both of those games are so dear to me.

I really wanna talk about some of the other artists that inspire the album I am working on. Not ambient artists, but I really feel like I should point them out because of how much they all mean to me. 

One of my biggest influences is Halsey. She's honestly one of my favorite artists of all time. Her music is so important to me and she's somebody I really really look up to and view as a hero. Her lyrics hit very very close to home to me, I relate so much to them. Reading interviews with her and seeing that she also deals with bipolar disorder makes me feel like I'm not alone. I usually feel like I'm an outcast because of my BPD. Like I shouldn't have anybody close to me and I should remain in solitude cause I'll just end up hurting them by accident. She showed me that my mental health doesn't have to define me. She influences me in so many different ways, in my opinion all of her music is perfect. I honestly can't stress enough how vital Halsey is to me and how much I look up to her haha. 

I feel the exact same way about Meishi Smile. Meishi Smile has been one of my favorite music projects for so so long. The amount of raw emotion in the music is so breathtakingly beautiful to me, I've viewed Garrett Yim as a hero since I was a Junior in high school. I've always been obsessed with his countless projects (nono., and the previously mentioned Yuko Imada) and honestly he is one of the reasons I ever started making music in the first place. 

Meishi Smile and Halsey both make me feel like somebody gets it. Every day I wake up and feel like I am inhuman. Like, my mental shit makes me some monster that deserves to have nobody. They show me otherwise. I wanna do that for somebody at the end of the day. Show someone that they are not alone.

On another note, I am also very inspired by J-Pop. I really love the works of Yasutaka Nakata, whether it be Perfume, Capsule, or Kyary Pamyu Pamyu (the queen haha). J-Pop just has this sound to it that really makes me gravitate towards it. It sounds very happy on the surface, but if you look deeper it's a very dark genre, a good example being Kyary Pamyu Pamyu's music video for Kira Kira Killer (one of my personal favorite Kyary songs) exploring themes of death. 

Tyler the Creator is also a colossal influence on me, he's helped me a lot when it came to dealing with my anger issues and shit. And of course I am also very inspired by Porter Robinson and Madeon, they are also heroes to me. Also, anime haha. Stuff like Danganronpa, Anohana, and Madoka Magica fill me with this weird urge to recreate how those franchises make me feel and how they sound to me. 

But I get most of my creative inspiration from my personal experiences. I do lots of venting through art. All of the upcoming album is me doing that. Venting.  I have a lot of emotional scars and have so many regrets. This new album is so personal. One song is about how in my state of feeling torn up over what I've done I turned to drugs as a coping mechanism and ended up having this mental breakdown after getting super fucking high. Another is about my dependency issues with self harm and how I've become addicted to cutting and burning myself. It feels weird, honestly. Makes me feel kinda naked, you know? At the same time it feels so good putting feeling into my music. Letting out all my regrets, grudges, and anxieties into a tangible form just feels...good. It's something I wish I've always done rather than make music I'm not proud of. I'm hoping I find myself while making this album.

Q: It seems like video games are an important component of your life, so do you ever see yourself soundtracking a game? A: I've actually thought of this quite a bit. I'd love to in all honesty. I'd soundtrack any game really, but I'd really love to make the ost to a Yume Nikki fangame. Yume Nikki is such an important game, it's amazing that Kikiyama was able to create such a dedicated fanbase over a simple little RPG Maker game. I still visit Uboachan, though not too frequently. 

I first got introduced to video games in the Gamecube/Game Boy era, so growing up games like Pokemon Silver, Sonic Adventure (both of them), Super Mario Sunshine, and my favorite game of all time Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess took up all my time. I remember maxing out the ingame clock in Twilight Princess haha. From there I graduated to PC gaming, and now the game I've been playing the most of is Overwatch. I'm pretty garbage at it but competitive has been helping me get better. I'd also like to point out while we're on the topic of video games how much Danganronpa means to me. It's one of my favorite games and makes me hella emotional. There's a song on my new album about it haha. Q: What do you have planned for the future of this project? A: I have a new album coming out at some point that’s named Stay. Niku Gutfuck is split into two different styles: The ambient, droney harsh noise side such as Everything is Gone, and a very J-Pop inspired electronic music side. The topic of Everything is Gone is gonna be elaborated on in a few songs, as well as other topics I want to get off my chest. I am not sure when this is coming out, where I will release it, or if I will fuck with any labels at all, I am just trying to get my emotions out in audio form as of right now. I'm ultimately trying to improve as a producer and musician as much as I can, music production is honestly something that I just adore fucking with and I can't see myself stopping no matter how discouraged I get. 

There's this fire in me that won't let me stop, and I am so glad it's there cause it keeps me going. I'm trying to find an artist to work with to make the album cover, especially since I love working with visual artists. The feeling of two artistic minds that focus on different art forms coming together to create something is so inspiring to me and one of my favorite things about making music.

Be sure to follow Niku Gutfuck on Twitter to keep up to date! 

#interview #Music Interview #new music #ambient #ambient music #niku gutfuck #niku gutfuck interview #midori kida interview #interviewtion #music #indie music #lo-fi #lo-fi music #texas #j-pop #halsey #everything is gone #indie #musician #musician interview #music interviews #interviews #journalism

[queenrhenpendragon]

lard is literally crap: an essay

I’m making this post so I can direct people to it when they try to give me the exact same arguments people have been using for over a decade now which didn’t convince me then and still haven’t after I’ve replayed the game 94,987,344,297,432 times so just get over it already, you have nothing new to say, and even if you did, you really don’t know enough about the games to debate with me. If you want to worship the abusive arrogant spoiled rich white guy, that’s your business, all I’m asking is that you leave me out of it and filter your crap appropriately.

If you can do that, you can stop reading now. If you still feel compelled to shove your headcanons down my and everyone’s throat, please read on. Below you will find a list of the most common points people try to persuade me with, followed by my salty responses (and please note, you were warned about the salt). Also please note that I’m calling him lard and other such things so it doesn’t show up in searches for people who are just tryna have a good time, not trying to be mean, you’re welcome.

1. But he changed!!!!

First of all even if lard had changed to any significant degree, that would not erase the results of his abusive behavior in the past. It would in no way justify or excuse him. It would not make any of the characters he hurt, or in fact anyone at all, obligated to like him. And if he hadn’t been a bully, nobody in the fandom would care about him. His “flaws,” if condoning and perpetuating slavery and assaulting small children can be covered by such a small word, are what make him “interesting,” his fans’ words, not mine. He’s worshipped because he is abusive, and that really does not make me want to jump on the bandwagon. At all. Period.

Second of all, no, he really didn’t. Please tell me you have stricter standards for people “changing” in real life, because you’re gonna fall into a lot of bad situations, repeatedly, if you count as change a single apology with few enough words to be counted on your fingers, which is not followed by any attempt to rectify wrongs but is in fact followed by stating his goals as exactly the same as they were before and actually rolling his eyes when it’s suggested he might help fight against literal slavery. Honestly you could stop reading here if you are halfway decent, I and everyone in this world have the right to dislike characters who canonically, explicitly, consistently hold up the idea that they are inherently better than random, innocent strangers to the point that they should be allowed to OWN THEM. But as this is painfully obvious in canon and still apparently did not deter most of you, I will continue.

Up next, context. Let’s look at that.

People are always trying to bash on Dameon because a lot of his dialogue is optional and so, according to them, it doesn’t “count.” Okay, have at it then, but while you’re pointing fingers please try to remember that lard’s “apology” (quotes because it really wasn’t much of one, more on that in the next paragraph), was also completely optional. And while the conversations with Dameon affect other characters and dialogue in the game (try going to the Sun Temple before and after the manor conversation between Rhen and him, for example), nothing lard says affects anything whatsoever. If you skip it entirely absolutely nothing will go any differently. So by your own standards, it didn’t happen. Not relevant. Stop bringing it up like it’s somehow supposed to matter to me. You will get salt and scorn. Not impressed, and definitely not convinced.

Now, unlike some people, I don’t care to villainize characters by ignoring their dialogue or twisting it to my own purposes (yes, that was a pointed statement, thanks for noticing, don’t poke your eye on it). I remember that lard apologized when I write or headcanon about him. I take it into account when I want to present an opinion on him. But I also take into account that this “apology” came only after it’s discovered that, oops, that “slave” he’s been abusing, in multiple ways for over a year, was actually literally royalty. It doesn’t indicate a change in his views or behavior, he’s just taking to a princess now instead of to a slave. Big whoop. I am marvelously unimpressed if you couldn’t tell. 

The other scenes people like to point at to show Lard’s “progress” are the one after the goose quest in Dirkon and the “stay back” one in the dragon’s cave. Again, both come after Rhen is a princess instead of a slave, and the Dirkon one is optional so again with the hypocrisy. Also, again with the standards of what actually constitutes change; he doesn’t actually do anything in either scene. He just talks big, and says nothing actually constructive. Rhen has been selflessly helping people for the entire game, people from every social class, people who aren’t even technically people (fairies, binis, etc etc ETC), and only one time in the entire game expresses any sort of wish that maybe she could’ve thought of herself first. It was her goose. She saved Tiny. The fairy prince gave the reward to her. And she thought of the people of Dirkon and traveled ACROSS THE OCEAN to give the goose to them. She did it. This is not lard’s good deed. It’s Rhen’s. Lard was just insensitive enough to snub her wistful “could have been” afterwards. Don’t come at me with the lard worship, I will not be sympathetic. It’s not progressive to take the woman protagonist’s accomplishments and give them to her male abuser. 100% not interested in this take, please get out of my notifs.

As for the dragon, sure, it’s progress. But it was also bossy and showed a complete lack of faith in Rhen’s abilities and intelligence, and really, it’s been years. lard should know better by then. It’s a step forward for him, considering how awful he was, but it’s not a big step. It doesn’t make him a good person to simply not do the worst thing he possibly could do one time in his whole life, toward one of the many people he victimized. Everyone would consider this line toxic and domineering if it came from Galahad, so seriously. Seriously I am so over lard getting every excuse while every other character is bashed or ignored or otherwise devalued, no I do not consider this scene significant or meaningful in any way, the end.

Now, I like lard. Or, at least, I used to before people kept trying to pummel me with his “redemption” and indiscriminately villainized and/or depreciated every other character to do it. But I like to think that he did change, eventually. I just also realize that this change has to include a heckuva lot more then some minor adjustments in his attitude towards Rhen. He abused her, physically, emotionally, socially, you name it and he probs did it, for over a year. He also abused every other slave in Ghalarah. Including small children. Let me say that again. He physically and verbally abused small children. This is not me theorizing or overreacting, we saw it on screen. In canon. Mandatory dialogue. And we see him abuse anyone who disagrees with him even after the “apology.” Some of you may have forgotten how he treats Galahad and Pirate John and Te’ijal and Mad Marge and Dameon and Elini and LITERALLY every other party member, but I didn’t. Lard has a long way to go with his behavior towards everyone and he isn’t remotely anywhere near close to being a good person by the end of the game. 

Actually, as I said before, Lard’s goals at the end of the game are literally word-for-word the exact same as they were at the beginning-- teach at Shadwood, be an elitist. He doesn’t have a canon arc. Even in the absolute best possible ending for him, he is specifically left out of all references to social reformation or actual good work. He specifically rolls his eyes when it’s suggested to him he might consider helping for once. He has unlimited chances and resources to finally actually SHAPE THE HECK UP and he still. doesn’t. (And once again back to the first point, even if he had changed, it absolutely would not make anyone, especially not the people he abused, obligated to love or even like him at all.)

If people want to headcanon him into sainthood, that’s their business, but it’s not canon, it wasn’t in the game, and they don’t have more “development” backing up their claims then I do, so they can quit talking down to me like I’m delusional. I’m not the one insisting my own imaginings about a bland rich white guy are the irrefutable truth.

And yeah, sure, it’s “just fiction,” but it might be time to look at why it’s so compelling to exalt the rude, arrogant, rich bully, no matter how obvious and terrible his abuse is, no matter how little grounds there are to excuse him (and it’s almost always a him, which is another thing people might think about), and no matter who you have to put down to do it.

2. he’s rhen’s best friend

Where? Point to one instance that would indicate this. I already talked about all the usual scenes people like to use; none of them indicate any real change or warmth (see 1). Every single one of his other lines are about the quest, aka work-related. There is no closeness there. Compared to the way he treated her before (um, LITERAL ABUSE) it's an improvement, but it’s not kind or affectionate. If there wasn’t the context of how he demeaned and hurt her at every turn previously, nobody would be interested in his dialogue at all. It’s just not dynamic or meaningful. There’s nothing there besides poorly masked elitism. The fact that people think there’s something there because it used to be so much worse is kind of hugely disgusting. Please tell me you do not carry this logic forward into your real relationships.

And definitely never expect me to like an interpretation of their affiliation that relies on the fact that he literally shoved her into the dirt before to make it meaningful. Not gonna happen.

Besides all of that, almost all of lard’s suggestions were actually originally Rhen’s idea or an NPC’s idea. Again with the giving a female protagonists’s accomplishments to her abuser. Not into it, never gonna be. Also not into the implication that Rhen is too stupid to remember information she asked for. Lard is stealing credit, trying to make himself look good and stepping on anyone and everyone else to do it. Typical of him. Not impressive. Not helpful. Not meaningful. Rhen’s “good idea” is most likely her attempt to avoid conflict and move on. She doesn’t like fighting. She’s nice. And other people might be okay with ignoring her and other character’s capabilities in order to build up the pig-fat guy, but I am not and never will be. 

Especially when Rhen already has much more meaningful relationships with other characters, relationships that don’t require her dialogue or accomplishments or explicitly stated feelings to be ignored or downplayed. She has fun with Peter and Jenna. Her associations with Te’ijal and Elini are warm and friendly and don’t rely on cruelty for depth. She has profound conversations with Dameon and spends time thinking about him and chooses to spend her free time with him and with him she’s safe and excited and happy. There are so many wonderful options, why would I ever even consider the person she’s forced to spend time with, who makes her frightened and angry and is never sensitive to her feelings and never contributes anything to her story, especially when I have to imagine her as less to do it? I wouldn’t. I won’t. I am never going to. Rhen is too important to me. 

Also, because I’m salty and somebody had to say it, the one time Lard’s idea is actually his idea, it’s Elini who offers the “good idea.” Elini is also the only character he has anything resembling a real conversation with in the manor.  Everyone else he ignores or insults, or gives a meager apology with approximately zero action backing it up. The most canon evidence of any character having an actual friendship with Lard is Elini, the character people try to make out as promiscuous and selfish when she’s actually pretty dang proper and thoughtful. Leave her alone. Stop dumping on my precious heroines to exalt the green diarrhea man. 

3. But the ~chemistry~

First, can I point out how pathetic this argument looks next to the fact that we are literally talking about a slave owner with explosive anger issues? Y’all don’t even have the excuse that he was a “good” owner, as if such a thing could even exist. It’s painfully pathetic, please go away.

Second, seriously no, if you think abuse is chemistry you have problems, and seeing as if you take out the abuse you have people who only talk at work and about work (see 2), no. Heck no. It’s not there. Headcanon what you want but acknowledge that it’s crack from your own head and not something in the game and definitely not something I’m required to like or accept.

And Rhen deserves heckin better. She shouldn’t have to give some idiot stuck-up pighead five hundred thousand chances. She should never have been forced to spend time with him in the first place. She definitely shouldn’t have to spend time with him even after the quest and wait for him to shape up enough to be tolerable just so lard tenoboring can have someone pretty and “feisty” to argue and have sex with. Ew. Gross. She’s so much more than that. She’s worth so much more. She deserves to be with someone who treated her with respect the FIRST time around, and someone who will compliment her and build her up when she doubts herself, and support her in all her decisions instead of just the ones that benefit him, not an icky green goop who canonically rolls his eyes every time she enjoys something. She deserves to be adored, and to have someone look up to her because DANG is she worth looking up to. And most of all she deserves to be with someone she chooses to be with, someone whose company she actually enjoys, who improves her life. That’s what chemistry is. It’s really not that complicated.

As for the "chemistry" in the other lard ship people have been trying to push at me lately, still no. Please get it into your heads that hate-sexy is not and never will be enticing to me and I don't. heckin. ship it. I want to see Dameon safe and happy with someone who cares about him and values him, someone he can share all that tenderness in his good heart with and someone who will blush softly at his compliments and who will respond with affection, not mocking or flippancy. He's been through a lot already. His own mother (who I love but can acknowledge had her own struggles and flaws) is not affectionate to him-- canonly and fanonly which everyone would have noticed if they actually cared about any character other than lard. Dameon doesn't need more questions,  more difficulty, more pain. I don’t want to see him villainized and sexualized so lard can have somebody to love to hate. Dameon deserves kindness and compassion and protection, in canon and in this fandom, and I really cannot be expected to have anything but scorn for an interpretation that doesn't acknowledge that, or anything but disgust for ships that deprive him like he's been deprived his whole existence of those basic needs.

4. Opposite attract

Yeah, to a certain extent, that’s why I ship the spunky loud impulsive warrior girl with the calm quiet measured healer boy. That’s what “opposites attract” means. It does not and should not mean one character is mean and the other stands up for themselves or other victims. It should not mean one character is a toxic cruel person while the other stays gentle and kind despite horrible circumstances. It should never be used when what you actually mean is “they fight” and ESPECIALLY not when the fights are because one character is a self-obsessed jerk. That’s not called cute and trust me, I know cute. What that’s called is normalizing and romanticizing abusive tendencies and it needs. To stop. This goes for every lard ship in the entire world. I know about “opposites attract” and that ain’t it, ya noodles.

5.  Rona was abusive

Again, people need to quit trying to excuse their problematic male fave by villainizing the women in the story. For that matter quit villainizing or parodying the dark skinned characters to do it. This has happened in every single fandom I've been in and I can't pretend it's just a coincidence anymore, there's something seriously scary going on and I'm not into it. Just stop. Lard is literally crap. Even if he was abused, it wouldn’t excuse how he treated others. Plenty of abuse victims go on to not be complete buttheads who physically hurt small children and condone slavery.

Furthermore Lard was not abused, or neglected, or anything of the sort. All of Rona’s dialogue indicates that she adores lard. She calls him “my darling son” and makes sure he has good clothes for traveling before he leaves and worries if he isn’t home for dinner. If anyone inconveniences him in even the slightest way she makes them pay for it and holds the grudge forever. She spoils him. Multiple characters literally say so. This is canon. Explicitly canon. It wasn’t one of the mysteries we were left to figure out, it was put out right in front of us. If people want to think differently so they can keep worshiping their precious pig-fat, they can. But there is no evidence. This is not other people noticing something I missed. This is people making stuff up that directly contradicts what we actually see in the story-- which they are free to do, but they are not free to demand I accept their fantasies as canon or even vaguely convincing fanon. What it’s called is crack. And I don’t have to like it just because you do.

Also just a psa I’m never gonna like a headcanon (or a canon for that matter) that slings mud at a perfectly good female character in the name of giving an abusive arrogant male some angst so people can uwu over him. Unless you’re looking for salt and scorn, leave me out of it.

6. it’s *his* story

Again with giving Rhen’s accomplishments to her abuser. In her own game, too. I am not impressed or convinced in any way. I’ve already talked about how lard contributes no useful information during the entirety of the quest (see 1)-- and it’s a long quest. Besides the abuse, none of his lines affect any other character’s lines or actions, or any other aspect of the plot (see 1 again). He has no meaningful relationships (see 2), besides maybe Elini, but the people who like him ignore or forget that, so really, they can stop pretending they cared about any other character’s dialogue. Nothing lard does contributes to the plot or any other character’s development (1 and 2). If he was ditched in Veldarah literally not a single aspect of the story would change. The only reason for him to be mandatory is because Amanda correctly assumed some people (like me, definitely me) wouldn’t take him if he wasn’t, and then she couldn’t introduce the fighting dynamics with multiple party members as early. (Personally I would love to be able to take Eddie or the one sword singer student who is nice to Rhen instead, it would take out a lot of the racist undertones the game has due to lard’s presence, make for much more interesting dynamics, and would make it possible to explore the impact of what Rhen went through in a much more meaningful way that fewer people would be able to interpret as romantic or excusable. It’d also be cool to have Talia as a briefly playable character, though I suppose her fighting skills would make us too op for the spiders.)

Also, before anyone tries that “he stuck with the quest to the end” crap, so did heckin Mad Marge but nobody gives her any credit so don’t even try me. He also forced his way into the party against the protagonist’s will, and made it clear from the beginning he was in it for his own glory. And there is nothing in the entire game to indicate that ever changes, even slightly (see 1 and 2). In fact every scrap of dialogue indicates the exact opposite (1, 2, and 3). So that argument means exactly nothing to me, except that I’m annoyed I have to take him in the first place.

There are also a few lesser known examples of this type of argument where people try to praise lard or exalt his connection to Rhen for something literally every other party member also did. I have the same response to all of them. Shut up. I am bored with you. Take an interest in a character who is not a self-serving egotistical sadistic moldy toenail for once in your lives.

And speaking of that, I have literally gone through the entire game without having lard in my party even once, and it’s actually easier that way. Before graduation his spells are pretty useless and he dies all the time, so not using him means I can buy lighting scrolls and actually do some damage instead of buying cassia leaves and venison and covey balm ten thousand times. After graduation you get Elini and then Dameon and Te’ijal pretty quickly, and now instead of 50 cassia leaves you have lightning scrolls which are SUPER USEFUL in the next few areas. I’ve easily beaten Ahriman at level 63 (expert mode) using this strategy, in one try. I could probably do it at a lower level too, but I don’t use the traveling runes so it’s hard to not gain levels.

Tldr; lard is literally crap and also useless. Ditch him and his worshipers. Be free and enjoy Amanda’s awesome action-adventure female coming of age story with me, I have cookies and good fanfiction. Also pretty decent fanart, if I do say so myself. And when I’m not raging against the social brainwashing that made most of the population think being abusive and arrogant makes a character cool, I’m mostly nice.

Mostly.

#rant #salt #you are warned #i've been putting up with this for a long time and i am officially #done #if you want me to be nice don't #talk about pig-fat #just don't #antilars #like i said i don't even hate him i just hate #how people put down other characters to prop him up #and how rhen's story is taken away from her so her abuser can have the spotlight #frankly disgusting #the least people could do is not pretend it's progressive #like really #uuuuuuuuugggggghhhhhh

[carlkandutsch]

Reality and Replica Philosophers since Kant have noticed that “existence is not a predicate”, meaning that existence is not a quality (like color, shape, size, etc.) that distinguishes one object from another. In a photograph this fact is rendered visually perspicacious – the only fact that distinguishes an object on film from the same object in the world is the fact that the latter exists and the former does not, at least not now (when the picture is viewed). But in Demand’s photographs this proposition is not true – or rather, its truth is masked. What we notice in a photograph by Demand, what draws our attention, is not the reality of the world projected on film but its artificiality, the subtle but insistent differences between the structure that is photographed and its model in the world. For example, in Corridor – once we grasp its provenance – we notice the differences between the corridor in Demand’s photograph and the real corridor upon which it is based. Unlike the corridor in the late Jeffrey Dahmer’s Milwaukee apartment building Demand’s corridor does not include (for example) light switches and number plates on the apartment doors. In Control Room our attention is drawn to the fact that unlike the control room at Fukushima, Demand’s contains no chairs and no data on the various monitors, so that the imagined technicians in Demand’s version would be physically incapable of controlling anything. In other words, what solicits our interest is the fact that what we see in the photograph is a replica – something very much like but also crucially different from its model. A replica is a representation of something in the world, one thing standing for another; what we look at in viewing a photograph by Demand is the representation and not the thing represented. Of course, the replica itself is made present in Demand’s photograph of a corridor (just as nature itself is made present in a photograph in a picture by Ansel Adams), but what is most striking is the fact that it is a replica – a replica purged of the aura of morbid curiosity that haunted one’s perception of the real thing before it was demolished (purged from the world as it were) by the City of Milwaukee, and yet lingers in newspaper photographs of it. It is as if without our morbid curiosity, the newspaper photographs would not exist at all, at least not as a public document, and yet here it is in Demand’s picture. In viewing an interior by Hido, one is struck above all by the reality of the room in the picture. What draws our interest is that despite its “realness” we cannot experience Hido’s room literally, for example by touching its walls, feeling the shag carpet beneath our feet, taking in its odors, listening for the sound of voices or footfalls or traffic, etc., and we cannot do any of this is because although the real room is made present to us in the photograph, we are not and cannot be present to or in the room. We cannot enter the space of Demand’s Corridor or Control Room because if we did, our bulk and weight would crush the structure that contains the space; we cannot enter Hido’s room because there is no way to get from here to there; it is too late and all routes to the past have closed other than memory. This is not to say that Hido’s room lacks something (as Demand’s room lacks something, namely solidity) or that it is metaphysically deficient; rather, it exists in the only way it can exist, viz as a photograph, which means that we can enter Hido’s pictured room only by means of our eyes. Our access to these rooms is restricted to visual access. The Viewer’s Exclusion The different relationships between our imagined access (or non-access) to Hido’s rooms and Demand’s rooms, respectively, register differences in the ways that human presence is excluded from the pictured rooms of each photographer. Humans have never entered and never will enter the hallway shown Demand’s Corridor because to enter it would be to crush it, destroying its perfect hygiene. Although it is built to scale, Demand’s paper construction is not meant to accommodate the human body with its density and weight. The reference to “meaning” suggests what is really at stake: were the viewer able to imaginatively enter the spaces pictured in Corridor, Room and Control Room would introduce a foreign element – specifically, our own intentionality which, because it is ours and not Demand’s, would undermine the absolute sovereignty of the latter. (This is the specific significance of Demand’s choice of subject and title in Control Room. The devices that specifically omitted from Demand’s room – levers, buttons and data – are those devices which, the in real control room at the Fukushima power plant, were unsuccessfully used to control the effects of the tsunami on the plant and its surroundings. Those manning the control room at Fukushima were unable to utilize its instruments of control to close the gap between human intentions and effects in the world when the tsunami struck, and it is precisely these devices that are missing in Demand’s picture – which implies that in Demand’s picture there is no gap between intentions and effects.) But since the world in which we actually live is a world in which things and other people do not bend to our will, the world that appears in Demand’s photographs is a world of fantasy. We cannot enter Demand’s room any more than we can enter someone else’s fantasy or a dream or a hallucination, and this implies that the spaces that appear in Demand’s photographs are private spaces. The fact that Hido’s rooms are not private spaces is registered in the fact that they are not entirely empty. They contain traces of people doing something, although that “something” is really a bit of nothing – indications of humans having left, and having left recently. That humans have stayed there for a long time is shown by conspicuous residues of wear and tear such as dirt, stains, scratches and threadbare worn carpets. That humans have recently left is indicated by the rags and disconnected wires we see in some rooms, and in others unmade beds. In this way, the interiors imply that our exclusion from the world presented in the photograph is not (as it were) a natural fact but rather something we humans have done, done to ourselves (by withdrawing) and to the world (by causing it to withdraw). Moreover, a place that has been recently been abandoned or evacuated can in principle be inhabited again, but only if we realize where we are now – because without that realization, there is no route from here to there. In this way, Hido’s photographs acknowledge the being-outside of the camera’s position as a position for which the photographer is responsible. The uncanny emptiness of Hido’s rooms – uncanny because their very emptiness seems to speak of human activity – indicates that our reality is already fantastic; and in viewing Hido’s photographs we do not abandon realty for fantasy as much as we are brought to realization that reality is fantastic because it is experienced from a position of isolation and unknownness. This explains the luminous aura of intimacy projected in these pictures which allows Hido’s empty rooms to seem more real than reality itself. The ways in which our attention is drawn to the emptiness of Demand’s and Hido’s rooms, indicates differing modalities in which the viewer is outside of the worlds that appear in each artist’s pictures. And the different modalities in which I am outside of these worlds registers different ways in which the photographs are meant. I am outside of Demand’s rooms and corridors because his fantasies belong to him and mine to me; to grasp the meaning of Demand’s picture is to grasp what the creator had in mind in creating it. I am outside of Hido’s rooms because the coherence of the world viewed on film depends on its not including the act of viewing; to understand its significance is to that we have arrived at the position from which the picture is viewed – which is a position of isolation and unknownness – by having withdrawn from the world in favor of fantasy. Hido’s rooms can be taken as images of the camera’s mechanism, for whatever the camera is, it is also an empty box, a miniature room into which light is admitted through a small opening, a window or door, and its space cannot include the person looking through the viewfinder as if through a keyhole. Does Todd Hido intend that his pictures be seen in the ways I have described in this essay? Interpreting a photograph by Thomas Demand involves grasping his specific intention in making it, and that involves understanding its provenance, the fact that it is a picture of a paper and cardboard life-size replica of something that exists in the world, a particular something that came into the world in the form of a forensic photograph of a particularly notorious scene of crime, violence or celebrity, circulated and re-circulated as “news”. To know why Demand chose a particular scene as his subject would be to know why and how it is that our society is fascinated by traumatic events that threaten its coherence – specifically, why and how such events satisfy our craving for the fantastic, as if only events that are pathological or catastrophic in nature can confirm our sense of the normal. In viewing a photograph by Todd Hido, it seems beside the point to ask whether or not the person by that name had any particular thoughts in mind when he created the photograph. The fact is it is the way it is, one way and not another way, and to describe that way is to describe how the picture is meant. And describing how the picture is meant is to describe how its creator has seized upon certain potentialities of the camera and of print-making to create things that solicit our interest in ways that artworks have always invited our attention, ways that are distinct from every other kind of object in the world.

#thomas demand #todd hido

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