#Yeahhh it might just be more trauma for him | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tightjeansjavi · 6 months

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The Menu | Part 4

“splinters in his knuckles bangin’ on your door”

A/N: remember that meme I posted earlier about how this was supposed to just be a silly little smut fic? Yeahhh about that..🥴

~word count: 6.3k~

Pairing | dark!joel miller x f!reader

Summary: Joel goes a little berserk after he doesn’t see you for almost an entire day.

Warnings: SA (not by Joel, not described in detail) implied prostitution, abuse of power/abuse by law enforcement, (FEDRA) unhealthy trauma response, degrading language, mentions of guns, threats, injures from punching a door, mentions of blood, removing splinters, dark!joel, mean!joel, protective!joel, is shit at communicating his feelings!joel, asshole!joel, FEDRA SUCKS, no smut, denial of feelings, stalking, possession, morally gray relationship to the reader, (they’re kinda toxic but it’s complicated) hurt feelings, angst, some fluff, age gap, (Joel is in his 40’s reader is in her late 20’s) reader has no physical descriptions, +18 minors dni!

Joel Miller cracked under the pressure when almost an entire day went by without a lick of your presence. Cracking under the pressure was..a severe misjudgment. All rationale was thrown out the door; he had gone completely balls to the wall insane.

It started in the morning when you didn’t show up to your ‘job’ where you and Joel would spend grueling hours dumping deceased infected. Of course, everyone around him could give less of a shit about your absence. And why should they care? It was a dog eat dog world in the QZ. Every man for himself. To Joel? This was a real problem. A thorn in his side because, well, frankly? You might have meant more to him than just a vice to fill a void. Or a warm body to stick his dick in. Maybe he had reluctantly grown to care for you in his own Joel way.

So, when he found himself in line for his ration cards, his eyes zoned in on the FEDRA officer you fucked out of spite. The same one who did business at Joel’s table while Joel’s fingers fucked you to ruin. He had to start somewhere, right?

“Y’got a minute?” Joel asked casually as he shoved his ration cards into the pocket of his jeans.

“Shoot.” Benjamin, better known as Benji, what the fuck kinda name is that.

“Y’seen Angel around this mornin?’ She’s usually out here with me. Didn’t show up.”

“Nope.” Benji responded smoothly.

Joel’s brow raised as he studied the other man’s face intently. He was looking for any clues, any indication that maybe this Benji fellow had something to do with your bizarre absence.

“Right. Well, if ya see her, tell ‘er Joel’s lookin’ for her.” He shoved his hands deep into his jean pockets.

If Benji was good for anything, it was ratting QZ folks out. So, maybe he did know where you were. He had no viable reason to tell Joel shit. In fact, he was the main reason for your absence. Not only did he catch you out past curfew, but with a handful of contraband that could have easily gotten you a week in lockup. He showed you just a smidge of mercy simply for the fact that you offered him a blowjob just to keep your ass off the line, and only in lockup for one single day.

Joel had no business knowing that, of course.

“Well, well, well. Whad’we have here?” Benji stepped out from the shadows of the darkly lit alleyway as a FEDRA patrol vehicle drove by.

“One hour past curfew, Angel. That’s a deduction of cards, and a night in lockup.” He tsked.

Your face scrunched inwards, as if you had tasted something pungent and sour. “Benji? Fuck. C’mon, man. Just let me pass on through. It’ll be like I was never here.” You thought you were being fairly reasonable especially since he did a lot of business with Joel. You thought that maybe you could get yourself off the hook easily.

“Can’t do that, Angel.” He sighed.

“My name is not Angel. And yes, you can. Just pretend that you never saw me.”

“Oh.” He chuckled, shaking his head as he reached for his concealed handgun. “So, I guess buddy boy can call you Angel, but I can’t?”

For fuck sakes.

“Christ, is that what this is about? Who has the bigger dick? What, are you jealous or somethin?’” You egged him on as you reached for your own concealed gun before an unpleasant chill ran down your spine from the familiar clicking sound of the revolver.

“Jealous? Now, why would I be jealous, Angel? Ain’t you just a common street whore? You’ll let anyone stick their dick in ya if they pay well. Ah, but you got that Joel Miller wrapped around your pretty little finger. Everyone ‘round here knows he’s your guard dog. Where is he now, hm?” He cocked his head to the side.

“Look, Benji, you’re a good lookin’ guy and all that, but I fucked you out of spite. I’ll stroke your ego or whatever, but can I please just fuckin’ go home now?” You were exhausted from the grueling day. Your feet ached, your whole body felt like a bunch of pins and needles were stabbing it all at once. All you wanted was to go home, pour yourself a stiff glass, and have a smoke. Was it really too much to ask?

“Turn around. Hands against the wall. No sudden movements.” He ignored every word that left your mouth as if it meant nothing as if you truly were just a whore. For the first time in a long time, you felt dirty. Like something that was disposable. A toy that was no longer shiny and new, but dull and tattered. It made your blood boil.

“Benji—is that really necessary?” You tried to reason with him, but your attempts were fruitless.

“I said turn the fuck around and put your hands against the goddamn wall. Don’t make me ask you a third time, Angel. I ain’t have all night.” His jaw ticked impatiently.

“Okay. Okay. You don’t have to ask me again.” You reluctantly turned around with your hands above your head before placing your palms flat against the brick wall. You bit down on the inside of your cheek, slicing the skin open from the pressure as you tasted copper along your tongue when he yanked you back by the hips as if he owned them.

“That’s right. Because that Joel Miller sure turned you into an obedient little cockslut, didn’t he?” Benji chuckled deeply against the shell of your ear. His hot breath on your skin sent a wave of nausea crawling up your throat.

“I don’t know what the fuck you’re talkin’ about, Benji.” You hissed through your gritted teeth as he began to forcefully pat you down. You thought about trying to escape, but decided that would have been fucking reckless to even try.

“Oh, now what do we have here?” He said rather gleefully as he pulled out a baggy of pills. The same baggy of pills that Joel gave to you the night before to deliver to a client.

“Those aren’t mine.” Well, that was dumb.

“No? Hmm. You’re not good at this whole lyin’ game, Angel. Let’s see what else we got here.” He pulled out your gun from the belt loop of your jeans along with tinfoil wrapped cigarettes; fresh ones that Joel had rolled you.

“Well, my dear, you’re lookin’ at about a week in lockup just from this alone. Unless..” he trailed off knowing exactly what you’d offer him in return.

“You’re sick, y’know that?” You scoffed under your breath. Men really did only ever think with their dicks.

“Jus’ doin’ my job, Angel. So, what’re you gonna offer me, hmm? Make it good and I’ll only throw you in there for a day. Sounds fair?”

“Right. Your job at bein’ a fuckin’ rat? I’ll give you a blowie, right here, right now. I think that seems pretty fair, don’t you?” The sooner this is over, the sooner I get to go home.

“Hm.” He pondered it for a moment, as if he really had to think hard on your offer. “Deal. But I want you to act enthusiastic this time, and take your tits out. I’m gonna paint them and your face in my come, and you’re gonna sit there and fuckin’ take it, and if you don’t?” He flipped you around swiftly, caging you against the wall as he brought the barrel of the gun right against your temple, “I’ll spray your brains out right against this fuckin’ wall.”

This wasn’t the first time you had been threatened by a man in the QZ, and it certainly wouldn’t be the last, but the all too real gun being pressed against your forehead was alarming, and your brain went into compliance mode in an instant. Truthfully, you didn’t want to die, and certainly not in a manner such as this.

All you could think about as you slowly sank down to your knees, and as the pavement nipped at your exposed skin, was that Joel would never do something like this to you.

“Sure, you’ll be the first to know if I’ve seen her, Miller.” He nodded.

Something about Benji, and his stupid face, sent Joel’s hackles rising. But before he could even mutter a reply, Benji was walking away towards the other FEDRA officers.

Joel shook his head while he flipped through his ration cards for the day. He was doing his best to block out all the possible scenarios of your disappearance, but he failed miserably when he realized there was a high possibility that you were either dead, or infected. It happened more often than people would think.

The real start of his manhunt began after he confided in Tess in the utmost Joel fashion. He found himself pacing the length of his apartment while all she could do was watch from the entryway in the kitchen. Her arms were crossed over her chest as she leaned back against the countertop. Her eyes trailed after his frantic movements.

“Look, before you go thinkin’ about doin’ somethin’ reckless, did you ever stop to think that maybe she’s just in her apartment? She could have slept in—”

He cut her off sharply with a quick shake of his head. “Sleepin’ in? Really, is that all Y’got for me, Tess? I knew she should have just fuckin’ spent the night. She’s so goddamn stubborn. I would have even slept on the couch and she could have taken the bed if it was such a big deal. She’s so hot’n cold!” He growled frustratingly. His hands moved upwards towards his head as his fingers tangled through his hair, yanking at the roots till he was feeling a splice of pain. “Or, better yet, I should have just walked her home myself!”

“Texas, you’re actin’ fuckin’ insane right now! Pacin’ the goddamn apartment like a dog. Ripping your hair out?!” Just calm the fuck down for a second. Take some deep breaths, have a smoke or somethin’ and then let’s both think rationally.” She tried to reason with him. All this got her in return was a narrowed glare, a scoff and an eye roll.

“She could be fuckin’ dead, Tess! What if somethin’ happened between her leavin’ here last night and walkin’ back to her place?”

“I highly doubt she’s dead. And if she was, we would have heard about it by now, Joel. Do you want me to help you look for her? Cause I can start askin’ around.” She pushed herself off the side of the counter just as his pacing came to a complete standstill.

“Sure, yeah. Go ahead and ask around. But, before you do that, I need ya to tell me where Angel lives. I’m aware that you know, and that she doesn’t want me to know, but you’re gonna tell me either way.” He stated as a matter of factly.

“Joel, she doesn’t want you knowing where she lives for obvious reasons. How about you stay here, and I’ll go to her apartment. Like I said, I’m sure she’s just fine.”

“Yeah? Well, those reasons are irrelevant as of right now. So, quit your little girl code you got goin’ on with her or whatever, and tell me where the fuck her apartment is.”

Tess didn’t even bother to argue. She knew Joel long enough to know that he wasn’t going to stop until he found that you were safe. Otherwise, the unknown and the ‘what ifs’ would eat him alive, literally.

“You’re fuckin’ relentless, Texas. Y’know that?” She pulled out her own personal map of the QZ before laying it out on the worn down kitchen table. She pointed to your exact apartment building. “She’s on the third floor at the very end of the hall.”

“Yep. You damn right I am, Tess. You know me too well.” He merely glanced down at the spot on the map where Tess was pointing at before he snatched up the parchment, folding it neatly and tucked it into his back pocket.

“I’ll be needing that back, Texas.” Tess reminded him.

“And I’ll be bringin’ it right back as soon as I find her.” Joel responded smoothly, dripping in confidence to mask his true nature. Just like those women he used to sleep with, he could put up a facade with just a snap of his fingers.

“Yeah, well, you’re losin’ daylight. Better go find that Angel of yours.”

“Better me than anyone else.” Joel added with a curt nod. He left the apartment in a rush, skipping a few steps down the stairs. He never handled change of any kind all that well. Especially when you had become a constant in his life while living in this shit hole place. If something had happened to you, Joel would force himself to take all the blame. He felt responsible for you in some capacity.

“Swear to god when I find this girl..” he muttered to himself, shaking his head while slipping past the front door of the apartment building. Evening was steadfast on the horizon; he needed to move fast.

Was it something I said last night?

Was it because I asked her to stay?

Was it the goddamn strap on??

Is she avoiding me on purpose?

Is she dead?

Did she fuckin’ get infected?

Did..she find someone else?

These thoughts and more were swirling through his frantic brain. He fucking hated the fear of the unknown. Absolutely despised the whole entire notion of its existence. He’d much prefer when things were yanked off like a bandaid. Quick and mostly painless.

He triple checked Tess’s map the entire trek to your apartment building. He had no time to fuck this up, and to the passerby he probably looked like a crazed man; which would be an accurate statement given the circumstances.

Your apartment building was nearly an exact replica of his own. Same shitty staircase, peeling wallpaper, the occasional cry of an infant, or scream of a child. Just the day-to-day sounds of the QZ that we’re all white noise to Joel.

When he found himself standing outside your door, he scoffed at the faded “Welcome :)” mat outside of your door beneath his boots. The smiley face had nearly rubbed off entirely, and he wondered if the mat had been there by your doing, or the previous inhabitants.

Focus, Joel.

He pressed the side of his head against the outside of the door, falling silent as he listened with his good ear for any movements on the other side.

Nothing.

“Angel? Y’in there, doll?” He asked through the thin wood.

Silence.

“Look, I’m sorry if I said somethin’ to upset you last night, but I haven’t seen you all fuckin’ day, and I’m real worried that somethin’ bad happened to ya. So, if you’re in there, can you please say something?”

Nothing.

“Okay. Okay, so maybe I do deserve the silent treatment after I made you hold my cock in your mouth like a cum bucket whore, but it was uh—out of affection? And if you’re upset that I asked ya to stay the night, then I’m sorry. It was just late and I wanted to—”

This is fucking stupid.

“Can you fuckin’ answer me, please? Just fuckin’ say something!” He growled, throwing his fists against the door once for good measure. “I’m about five seconds away from lookin’ like a complete and utter psychopath if you don’t open this goddamn door!” His frustration was on the cusp of boiling over, like a kettle on the stove.

“Okay, so we’re gonna play the silent game, huh?! I swear to god, Angel. If you’re behind this goddamn door and you’re ignoring me on purpose?! Good god, girl. You got another thing comin’ for ya!” He laughed, one of those unfriendly, chills down the spine, oh shit! I’m fucked kinda laughs.

Joel Miller had completely lost all remaining shreds of rationale.

“I’m gonna give you to the count of five to open this fuckin’ door, y’hear me?!” He snarled threateningly.

“Five.”

“Four.”

“Three.”

He didn’t even get to two before his fists absolutely began to rain down on your doorframe. The cord had snapped and he was fully spiraling without giving a damn of who could see or hear him.

With adrenaline, rage, and fear pumping through his veins, he couldn’t even feel the skin along his knuckles being absolutely torn to shreds from how hard he was laying his fists into the wood.

It's like he had completely blacked out and all he could see was red. Red. Red. Red. Red.

Benji was ‘generous’ enough to let you out of being in lockup early and sent you right back out onto the streets. Ridden with exhaustion, you practically dragged yourself back to your apartment with only the thought of a stiff drink and your bed bringing you some form of motivation to keep going.

Your keys jingled in your grasp while you trudged up the stairs. You were oh so close to just plopping down in the hallway, but your apartment was only just down the hall. You could make it.

You passed by one of your neighbors on your way. And when you went to wave, they completely avoided making eye contact with you at all costs. Somehow you just knew that Joel was involved in this behavior, but how the hell did he know where you lived?

Then, you heard the sounds of banshee yelling intensifying the closer you drew to your door.

Jesus fucking Christ. Can’t a girl catch a break?

When you turned the corner, you were met with a grizzly bear of a man. Joel Miller had nearly beaten your door in with just his bare fists. You weren’t even all that shocked to see him outside of your apartment, but, nonetheless, you were pissed.

You leaned against the corner of the hallway, arms crossed against your chest and a displeased, yet mildly amused look plastered on your face.

“Joel?”

He whipped around in an instant at the familiar sound of your voice. His eyes were wide, nostrils flared, blood dripping down between the ridges of his knuckles, staining the already faded carpet crimson beneath his boots.

He looked crazy.

“Where in the fuck have you been? Do you know how fuckin’ worried I’ve been all goddamn day?! Huh, sweet girl? Do you have any idea—”

“You’re bleeding, sweet boy.” You mumble softly. You had hoped that you could advert his attention, but he was already stalking towards you, something indescribable flashes in his eyes when you call him, ‘sweet boy.’

“Yeah, baby.” He huffs out a raspy laugh. “I’ve got splinters in my knuckles bangin’ on your door. Tore ‘em all up.”

He’s so close now that you can taste his breath and see that flicker of fear in his eyes. His hands encaged around your face. Soft, wet from the blood, but gentle.

Droplets of blood trail down your neck and down the clavicle between your covered breasts. You shouldn’t be turned on—but that cunt of yours has a mind of her own, sometimes.

“Joel, you didn’t have to show up here like a crazy man and nearly go and break down my door.”

He glares, bloodstained thumb swiping across your lower lip. “Don’t tell me what I did and didn’t have to do, Angel. Haven’t seen you all day. Thought you were fuckin’ dead or somethin.’”

“Yeah, well, I’m not dead. I’m right here. Why the hell did you even care in the first place, huh? Can’t even go one day without losing your cool?” It’s your turn to challenge him now. You place your palms flat on his chest, giving him a firm shove.

He glared, eyes narrowing into slits. His head cocked to the side in a condescending manner. His jaw clenched and unclenched. He dropped his hands from your face only to then encage your wrists above your head. He used his sheer mass to press your back directly against the hallway wall. He loomed over you to appear more menacing, like a predator going in for the kill. “Who said anythin’ about me caring, huh? Is that why you think I’m here, Angel? Cus’ I care?” He questioned, pushing you further into the wall. His chest was pressed right against yours, leaving you no room to escape, let alone breathe.

“Why would I give a damn where my whore on stilts wandered off to? Y’think you mean anythin’ to me other than a hole to fuck? Don’t be so naive.” He scoffed.

“You have got to be the worst fuckin’ liar, Joel. Right. You don’t care. You just happened to track down where I live, proceeded to bust down my door, just because I’m a hole for you to fuck? Right. Keep on telling yourself that, buddy boy. Keep livin’ in your delusions. See how far that gets ya.” You held in your laugh from slipping past. Could he not see that you were exhausted? You had been beaten down enough as it was, you didn’t need Joel fucking Miller pushing you down further.

“That’s it? That’s all y’can say to me? No bite back? No fuck you Joel? What the hell happened to you, huh?” He pressed further, tightening his hold around your wrists. “What happened after you left my place last night, Angel?” His tone was much softer now, gentle, laced with concern.

You couldn’t keep up with his mood swings if you tried. Joel Miller was one hot and cold man.

“No. We are not about to do this again. Not when in one breath you’re a complete asshole, and the next?!” You laughed bitterly. “Joel, I’m fuckin’ exhausted, okay? I had a shit night, and I just want to go and have a stiff drink. If you want to join, then be my guest, but I won’t take another minute of your bitching. Y’got that?”

Joel found himself studying your face. He thought that maybe he could read between the lines and figure out exactly why you were so exhausted, but you weren’t budging, not even for him. What was that bit about him fucking hating the fear of the unknown? Oh, yeah.

“Angel, look..I’m—”

“Oh, fuck no. You are not about to apologize for that. No. You meant every word, Joel. You don’t get to take that back.” You shook your head in disappointment, breaking your wrists free from his gradually loosening grip before you pulled away entirely.

Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.

You didn’t even wait to see if he would follow you, you could care less if he did, or didn’t. With your keys in hand you unlocked your door, muttering about how it probably wouldn’t lock properly anymore from the damage Joel inflicted on it.

Joel’s fingers twitched at his side. He was silently debating his options. It was pointly obvious that something had happened to you, but he had no right to pry. His footsteps followed yours like a shadow.

“You should probably get your knuckles patched up.” You muttered under your breath while carelessly tossing your keys onto the kitchen counter.

“They’ll be alright. Nothin’ I can’t handle.” He replied smoothly and shoved his hands into the deep caverns of the pockets on the front of his worn jeans.

“I have a first aid kit in the bathroom.” You stated plainly. Your back was facing him behind the counter while you grabbed your stashed bottle of whiskey, and two glasses.

He was observing you with a careful eye when you turned around to face him. “Are you offering to patch up my self-inflicted wounds, baby?” He asked in a crackling rasp, like logs on a fire.

“Sure. If that’s how you want to phrase it.” You shrugged before popping the cap off the bottle with your teeth. You poured a generous splash of the amber colored liquor into both glasses. You opted to take a quick swig from the bottle, needing that little bit of relief to kick in sooner, rather than later.

“Why?” He questioned. He reached for the glass, guiding it towards him before he snatched it up in his hand. He took a hefty sip, letting the warmth from the liquor spread through his system like a warm hug.

“Are you really that fuckin’ stupid, Joel?” You wanted to laugh, but it came out more like a strained scoff if anything.

“‘Fraid so, my Angel.” He smirked over the rim of the cloudy glass.

“Guess the apocalypse shrunk men’s already pea sized brains even more.” You muttered with a shake of your head before downing the liquor from your glass in one swift gulp. Your hand wrapped around his thick wrist, and before he could protest, you were dragging him to your bathroom.

“Sit” you commanded with a gesture to the closed toilet seat.

“Look, you really don’t have to do all this, it’s justa—”

You interjected swiftly, giving him a stern glare before grabbing the first aid kit from behind the cabinet door that was barely holding on by the hinges. “Okay, so then leave, Joel.”

His brows furrowed at your response, and his lips pursed tightly. He ultimately decided to plop down on the toilet seat with a huff. “Are you going to tell me where the hell you’ve been all day? Or are you just gonna keep avoidin’ my question?”

“If you’re good, then I’ll tell you. Cause frankly, right now? I’m sick of your shit, Joel. But somehow, some way, my cold cold heart has a shred of kindness left for you.”

He scoffed, resting his head back against the peeling wallpaper. “You’re sick of my shit?”

“Yes. Because you’re a fuckin’ asshole, Joel. How many times am I going to repeat myself? Normal people don’t stalk someone, attempt to break down their door, and then demand to know where they’ve been all day!”

“Oh boy, we’re still on that topic?” He placed his bloodstained hands on his knees and shook his head before he sat back. “So, what would you rather me have done, hmm? Sweetheart, I don’t know if you’ve noticed,” he gestured with his hands, “it wasn’t like I could fuckin’ call you up! Do you see a phone in sight anywhere? No? Wow, I wonder why! It’s almost like we’re in a fuckin’ apocalypse!” He said with sarcasm dripping with every breath.

And then you threw Joel Miller for a loop when you whipped out a fucking spray bottle and sprayed his snarky ass right in the face!

It didn’t even matter where the hell you found the damn spray bottle in the first place, it was the fact that you had the balls to spray him in the face, not once, but twice when he went to open his mouth. You swore you could see the steam rising from the water droplets on his skin. Like he was an animated bull from those old animated movies. Nostrils flaring red hot flames, smoke billowing from his ears. The tea kettle had reached its boiling point.

On the opposite end of the spray bottle, you saw that very bull with steam spewing. He was flabbergasted, bewildered at your rash decision. “Did you just fuckin’ spray me like I’m a goddamn cat or somethin?!’” His voice boomed like an overhead crack of thunder unleashing its rage in a crescendo.

“I did.”

“And why the hell did you think that you could jus—go’n spray me in the face like that?!”

“You say an awful lot of stupid and hurtful shit to me, Joel Miller. You hurt my feelings, pissed me off, and I’ve just about had it. So, everytime you open that big fuckin’ mouth of yours and say somethin’ mean and stupid, I’m gonna spray you in the face with this.” You waved the spray bottle around for a moment to get your point across.

Displeased, drenched like a damn cat, Joel sent daggers your way with one harsh glare. “Oh, I didn’t realize we were throwin’ a fuckin’ pity party ontop of all of this.” He scoffed.

“Did you not—” you laughed incredulously, “hear a goddamn word I just said? Fine. Well, let me remind you what happens when you’re fuckin’ stupid!” You sprayed him again.

This time he shut up..for now.

“Refreshing.” He mumbled very much like a dog with its tail between its legs.

You set the spray bottle down along the edge of the counter where it was in arm's reach, before you sank down between his spread knees with the first aid kit tucked under your armpit. “Let me see just what kinda damage you’ve done to your beautiful hands, Joel.” Your voice was much softer now compared to moments earlier. At least now you had him tamed and compliant.

“I didn’t break ‘em. Although, if you hadn’t shown up, I probably would have. And they ain’t beautiful, Angel. They’re ugly.” He gruffed out.

“They’re beautiful to me, Joel.” You reached for his hands once they were presented in front of you. The blood had already begun to congeal and dry in some places. “Yeah, you definitely have some splinters in there that are gonna have to come out.”

“Fuck no. Just leave ‘em.” He shook his head.

For the first time in over 24 hours, you smiled. It was really just a slight tug of your lips, but it was there. “Are you afraid of tweezers or somethin?’” You mused.

He scowled at your question and picked a spot on the wall to stare at so he didn’t have to make eye contact. “No.” He grumbled, jaw ticking under the dangling bathroom light.

“You sure about that?” You asked while placing the first aid kit alongside you on the floor. You popped it open, rifling through the different aids before pulling out disinfectant spray and tweezers.

“Crystal.” He confirmed.

“Ookay.” You did your best to hide your little grin while you held the disinfectant spray a few inches above his hands. “This might sting a little.” You softly warned him.

He barely flinched when he felt the sudden coolness from the spray adhering to his open wounds. His nose did twitch the slightest when the stinging sensation settled in.

“You’re being an excellent patient for me, Mr. Miller. Maybe if you’re a good boy for the next part, I’ll reward you with a lollipop.”

He finally looked at you, tearing his gaze from the wallpaper to meet your eyes. His lips curved upwards into a small smirk. “Sounds wonderful, Doctor. Do you promise to be gentle?” He played along.

“Always, Joel.” You replied.

His eyes stayed locked on your own for what felt like hours, neither of you quite ready to break the contact just yet. He cleared his throat, shifting along the closed toilet seat. “Uh, will..you hold my hand? I lied about the tweezer thing. Splinters hurt like a bitch, and uh—yeah.” He muttered under his breath while the heat began to rise rapidly to his cheeks. Even the tips of his ears turned beet red.

“If it’ll make you feel more comfortable, Joel.” You nodded reassuringly. Your left hand reached for his own when he had pulled back slightly in a jerking movement. You could sense his palpable hesitation radiating off of him before he finally relaxed.

“This is stupid.” He said suddenly, feeling more bashful as the seconds ticked by.

“It’s not stupid at all, Joel. Splinters are no fun at all.”

I mean, This. Me and you. It’s stupid. I shouldn’t be blushing like a schoolgirl right now. And over what? Holding hands? He thought to himself.

He’s kinda sweet..in his own Joel way. You thought silently to yourself.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Sweet. Sweet. Sweet.

“Get on with it, please.” He nearly whispered when his left hand finally reached towards your own. He was the one to thread his fingers through yours and let your entwined hands rest along his left thigh comfortably.

It took all of twenty minutes for you to successfully remove every splinter from his hands. Some fragmented pieces of wood were a bit deeper than others. He was a real champ, and you surprised him with a kiss. A soft reward that he felt he was undeserving of.

“I think you should let them breathe a bit longer and then we’ll bandage up.” You said while moving to stand back up. Your left hand was still engulfed in his own when he stopped you from standing up.

“Aren’t you gonna kiss them all better, doctor?” He asked with a tilt of his head. He looked like a puppy with his tousled, wild hair, and big brown eyes staring at you.

You found your lips kissing his broken skin before you even had a chance to respond. A kiss was pressed to each knuckle in an affectionate manner.

He broke the silence when your hand departed from his and you busied yourself with putting away the first aid kit.

“Are you going to tell me what happened to you out there, or are we gonna keep dancin’ around the subject?” He asked rather softly. Almost as if he was concerned.

“There’s nothing to talk about, Joel.”

Please don’t ask me again.

“Angel..”

“Let’s go finish our drinks.” You interjected with a hidden fake smile.

His eyes follow your silhouette when you swiftly remove yourself from the small bathroom. He shakes his head with a sigh before he finally stands up. He eyes the spray bottle still resting along the bathroom counter, and in an extremely cat-like fashion, he swiftly knocks it over into the trash bin below.

Good riddance.

When Joel left your bathroom, he soon found you with your feet tucked under your thighs on the far end of the couch. You appeared to be staring off into space while you nursed your glass of whiskey in silence. He really wasn’t quite sure what to think of your behavior, let alone how he should approach you.

Nonetheless he grabbed his own glass and joined you on the couch. Your eyes stayed focused on the wall even when you felt the old cushions dip down from Joel’s weight pressing down on them gradually.

He swirled the contents around in his glass absentmindedly before he took a small sip. You could feel his eyes along the side of your head when he moved the glass to rest between his knees.

“I really wish you would jus’..talk to me, sweetheart.” He rasped softly while he twiddled with his fingers that weren’t wrapped around the glass. He was never really good at having these types of conversations, but he’d be damned if he didn’t try one last time.

You shifted uncomfortably from his words. You didn’t want to tell him what happened to you in that disgusting alley. Or the way that Benji’s touch made you feel nauseous. You didn’t want to tell Joel that you were made to feel like literal human trash. Pond scum, gum beneath men’s shoes. You didn’t want to confess that you spent a night in lockup, crying against the cold concrete till your body could no longer produce tears while Benji, and a few of his FEDRA friends proceeded to violate you further, stripping you of your autonomy and dignity with grime stained fingernails, and cruel laughter. Nothin’ but a common street whore, that one. Make her gag on it. I wanna see tears streaming down those pretty fuckin’ cheeks, boys. Miller ain’t here to save you now, Angel. You belong to us.

You didn’t want Joel to believe that you were this broken, damaged person. You didn’t want him to take pity on you. That was quite literally the last thing you wanted from him. But, you were only human, after all, and pain had a sneaky way of revealing itself even when you had done everything possible to cloak it.

He watched as you drained the contents of your glass wordlessly before you slipped down from the couch, falling to your knees between his thighs.

She loves it, don’t be fooled boys. She loves to be fucked like a dirty little whore. Ain’t that right, Angel? Joel Miller got her all obedient, just for us. She’ll do anythin’ you ask of her.

“Angel.” He started, words lodging in his throat. Something about this felt wrong.

You ignored him, reaching for his belt with trembling fingers as you worked it open.

Cus’ a whore is all you’ll ever be, sweetheart. The best pussy in all of the fuckin’ QZ. Bet he’ll smell me all over ya, Angel. I hope he does. I hope that guard dog can fuckin’ taste my come inside of ya next time he takes you.

Joel finds himself frozen in time when he sees the way your fingers tremble. He’s stunned and unsure what he should do in this situation. He’s never seen you like this before. He’s used to your brashness. Your confidence. Your swift, snarky, sarcastic remarks. The woman on her knees between his thighs is not you. He knows then that he has to stop this. He has to say something.

“Angel, baby. I don’t think we—” he struggles to find the right words to say. To be delicate, but firm. This had nothing to do with his own feelings, and had everything to do with yours. “This doesn’t feel right, sweetheart.”

Your heart sinks to the pits. He knows. He fucking knows. He knows, and thinks you to be worthless, just like the rest of them.

You sink back along your thighs, tears pooling in your eyes. “You don’t..want me anymore, Joel?” You ask above a whisper, holding on by a mangled thread.

He shakes his head slowly, his heart breaking in the process.

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cescalr · 9 months

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New tag game: list ten of your childhood ships!

tagged by @babybeale <3... forever ago. Uh. Whoops!

[I will also state my current feelings regarding the ship, and I'll go into as little or as much detail as I feel like <3 I'm also. I have a sieve brain. I'm trying to remember what the fuck it was I shipped as a kid lmao. Anything I shipped, say, pre 2016, I think should count? ftr that means I was 14 or under when I shipped it.]

Nina/Fabian, from House of Anubis;

They're still cute. Better than what they pulled in the last season ;-; fabian and mara...... why...........

2. Sam and Freddie, from iCarly;

This show was just. Not good at writing romance. At all. It was bad at it. But I am very smart and know better than them (/joke) so I could do seddie justice. Er. Maybe trying to do that right now, actually. Shh.

[also, friend; jade and beck is so complicated, you're right. A fun mess, but still a mess lmao. Me and my rarepairs was always a fan of stuff that never ended up being canon though. Might as well put it next, I guess? Looking at your 3.... when it comes to icarly; we could not possibly have had more different opinions on the matter <3 lmao]

3. Tori Vega / André Harris;

I haven't watched it in years so I do not remember why! But I do remember that I did. I think. Don't - don't quote me on anything ever.

4. Willoz - from buffy the vampire slayer;

No gifs for them :( :( :( love them still so very much <3

5. Honestly, I'd steal your number 5 bestie, 6Teen was great. In the spirit of obscure animated TV shows, though - and It's been so damn long I forgot the names of some characters, had to look up the guy's name, lol - Zero and Vin from The Invisible Network of Kids. It left a profound impact on my psyche because they did something really fucked up in the last episode, plus left us on a cliffhanger, and then the show got cancelled </3 rip. Haven't watched it in a decade or so. No idea if it holds up, but I was super invested in these kids doing spy work and experiencing insane levels of trauma that would be ignored come each new episode </3. I was literally 8 years old <3. It has a TV tropes page and the entire show is availible on the Internet Archive, of all places, sooooooo I may browse. For nostalgia's sake. There are literally zero gifs available for this one, because. I mean. No shit.

7. Didn't watch any of that continuity - only got so far as Tracey Beaker Returns... alas. Anyway, my pic for 7..... hm. Sigh.

Stiles/Lydia, Teen Wolf.

This ^ is NOT romantic! she slams her mouth onto his in the middle of a panic attack. Babe. No. No. Regardless; I don't like it </3. They really. Oh god they really fucked up this one. Like a lot. Plus, they both just ended up with much better canon ships (stalia, marrish) that then got shafted for this mess to be the endgame and then the movie breaks them up anyway!!! OFFSCREEN!!!! they didn't even last 2 weeks!!!! fuck!!!!!!!! I don't like them. But I used to. Playlist, for proof. I feel like this counts, because I shipped them when I first watched the show as it aired (I was 10 when the show started), but I did still ship the pairing until well into my teens (16 or so) before I wised up (the show made them very bad in a really boring way. Not that they weren't bad before. Love how they both do things that are otherwise reprehensible but the show frames them as romantic for some fucking reason </3 I was like 13 when I saw this kiss on screen. They're lucky I did research and didn't just take it at face value or I could've gotten some really bad ideas about what's healthy in a situation like this!).

8. Zikki (Zane/Rikki), H20: Just Add Water;

Season 3 does not exist <3 [also, the way they wrote the 'cheating' plotline was fucked up. That woman planted one on him!!! he did not consent!!! Why are we supposed to be blaming him for being sexually harassed in the workplace!!! No!!!]. Still ship them fr fr.

8. maf;lkasjd;f yeahhh. Think if you watched friends as a kid, it was inevitable you'd ship rosschel, the damn thing was pushed so hard. Stand in regretful solidarity;

For really obvious reasons (being that it is rosschel); hot damn no I do not!

9. Harry and Ginny, Harry Potter.

Ignoring the horrendous movie adaptation, when I read the hp books I basically just defaulted to shipping whatever was canon. Luckily for me, the canon hp ships are actually pretty good ones! If you ignore the canaries in the room. (I. Do not. Famously. Well. Infamously.) As for Hinny, whilst its a garbage ship name, the pairing itself is pretty great <3

10. kaljdflkasdt thank god I don't remember jack shit about watching glee for the first time! the sieve brain is a blessing in this one occasion. I've already mentioned in another (tagged <3) post my vaguely-relevant hsm ships, though, so..... hmm. What should I pick.... let's think.... I'm kidding. I don't need to think.

Shoker is a major missed opportunity in ME, and I've been mad about the choices for my fem!shep for YEARS because. Look. Kaiden she did not cheat on you. You left!! You accused her of being evil and fucked off after she was resurrected!! what else was she supposed to think other than 'guess he doesn't want to date me anymore. Rude.' And. You could have sex with Jack but not romance her, that was locked to male characters >:| biphobia [Jack can have sexual relations with women, but her only real connections are to men. Rude!]. And, Liara in my games always turned herself down for romance because she assumed my shep wanted to date Kaiden because she's not a total dick to him and there's no way for me to clarify otherwise, also people making assumptions :/ not great. Plus Li becomes the shadow broker and it's a whole thing, so that doesn't really work out narratively for me anyway. Can't romance Miranda. Can't romance Tali (wouldn't anyway - Tali/Garrus <3). Refuse to romance Garrus that is just so platonic a dynamic it's not even funny. Jacob cheats and dips, so fuck him. Like... all of the fem!shep romances are terrible (or Trainor, I guess, but she's... kind of. Nobody. She's Just There. Sorry. It's not narratively interesting enough for me.) and Joker was right there and augh. Augh! Still ship. Still mad about it. Hatboy Project is doing the lord's work! I salute thee soldier in thine endeavours. Waiting to replay LE until it's been finished <3.

If anyone wants to pick this up, go for it!

#took me so long i think you went through two url changes lmao #tag game

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cassiuspr · 6 months

Text

(CONTENT WARNING. I WENT A LITTLE CRAZY. THIS TRANSCRIPT CONTAINS GORE, BLOOD, THE KILLER, EYE TRAUMA, DEATH AND WHATNOT. BE CAREFUL.)

[Video transcript begin.]

[The video begins at chest height in a room, the door is closed, and an unconscious man with 6 arms is in the center. The person whom the device belongs to seems to be bored. After a few minutes, the man in the middle of the room wakes up. Looking around before his eyes land on the person with the device, they widen, and he scrambles backwards.]

?: Hey there! So nice of you to join me!

[Voice identified: Cassius.]

?: Y– you don’t have to do this, y’know! We’re all friends here, right?

[Voice identified: Nicholas.]

C: Hm, yeah, no. I do. And apparently we’re not.

N: [Nervous laughter.] Whaaaat? Nooooo, we’re friends!

C: Friends don’t push each other down elevator shafts.

N: L– look, I know I’ve done some bad stuff lately, but can we just let it slid–

[Cassius takes a step towards Nicholas. The pure violent hatred is clearly audible in his voice.]

C: Do you know how much of your bullshit I’ve let slide? From the beginning of your employment to now, do you know how many times I’ve let you off easy?

N: I–

C: [As he lists things, he grows more and more angry.] Remember the 17 times you let me die just so you could take full credit for a job? Or maybe the thousands of times you’ve pulled ‘pranks’ on PR members that actively upset them? Remember when you purposefully left Dorian's finger behind so we had to go out of our way to get him a new one? Oh! Maybe you’ll fucking remember this! Laughing as I had to SNAP THALIA’S FUCKING NECK. But no! We’re all friends here, right?

N: Oh, real mature, bringing Thalia int–

C: [Forcefully.] Enough.

[Nicholas flinches back, Cassius takes another step forward.]

C: You’ve crossed a line today, Nicholas.

N: S– so? Just snap my n– neck already, man.

C: Your obliviousness is funny. History lesson time! Do you know what we used to do in France if someone committed high treason?

N: No…? Wh– pretty– pretty egotistical. To consider yourself–

C: Dismemberment, that’s what. Can you see where I’m going with this?

[Nicholas pales, and Cassius finally closes the distance between the two of them. Grabbing Nicholas by one of his 6 arms and yanking on it, one leg braced against his torso, he screams in pain as the arm is ripped off, blood begins to seep from where it had sat.]

C: Oh, you think that was bad! Just wait until I get to your actual fucking limbs.

[Cassius continues to do this, and the screaming only gets louder and more agonized as he does. Within 10 minutes, each metal arm is removed, Nicholas moves his two arms around, seemingly trying to get used to the feeling. Tears flow down his face from the pain of the whole ordeal.]

N: P– please, Cass, I– just– just kill me already!

[Cassius scoffs at Nicholas’ plea, and just reaches forward and takes hold of his right arm. Nicholas shakes, either from the miserable state he’s in, or from fear. Maybe even both. Cassius begins laughing uncontrollably, and he yanks on Nicholas’ arm once, twice, and then finally three times, it comes out on the third. Nicholas lets out a shriek worthy of a horror movie. Cassius holds the arm out in front of him, and waits until Nicholas opens his eyes again before bringing it to his mouth and seemingly taking a large bite. He discards it, and grabs his left leg next. This time stamping down on his upper leg, and bending the lower part backwards. Nicholas’ voice is hoarse as he screams out again.]

C: Mm… Might have to speed this up a bit…

N: [Quietly.] Please.

[Cassius jerks his arm, snapping Nicholas’ leg, another shout. It sounds as if his voice can’t take much more.]

[He pulls out his phone, a glare on the screen preventing it from being seen. He puts it away.]

C: Yeahhh. As fun as this has been. It’s time to finish this. Ready to die?

[Nicholas shakes his head, as the silhouette of the spider legs appear on the ground. Terror fills his eyes, and Cassius begins to hysterically laugh, it turns into more of a screech, inhuman in nature, as the spider legs dig into Nicholas, aiding in the cutting of the rest of his limbs. Before Nicholas can bleed out, Cassius jams them into his torso, and ever so slowly cuts the man open, spilling organs out onto the now blood covered floor.]

C: Now, final touch!

[Two spider legs make their way to Nicholas’ head, positioning themselves right above his eyes, the man is unable to move away as they stick themselves right into his eye sockets. The dying man now remains still. Cassius makes a small satisfied noise, and reaches up to the camera, turning the transcript off.]

[Transcript end.]

#encoreverse blog #showfall #showfall ask blog #showfall media #transcript #cw gore #cw blood #cw death #cw violence #cw eye trauma #cw organs #(ooc: jesus.)

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bonesandthebees · 1 year

Note

I did drop off the face of your askbox for a while but shhhh school has been kind of hectic bc I'm falling behind a bit skbska

GLASS DIVINE IS SO COOL YOUR BRAIN BEE WHAT THE FUCK

I read someone else's dream a while ago when you started talking abt revamping it here and goddd Glass is such an improvement already.

I love the changes, especially with Wilbur's behaviour in the Deathlings temple and how he was actually kidnapped. It adds so much to his relationship with Tommy and I love seeing Wilbur being a bitch because it makes sense!!! Wilbur was ripped away from all he's known since he was a child and they're keeping him from his purpose. He's lashing out because he wants them to be more antagonistic towards him; they're his kidnappers, they have no right to act like this.

Also the grey morality with the Deathlings is amazing already. They treat him with a bit more humanity than in the palace but it is painfully obvious that they had no plans past "get the Pythia to fuck over Schlatt 👍" without taking into regard how he is a person, not just a toy. Also that they likely have any more knowledge about the Pythia than the rest of the public. They don't know that Wilbur is traumatised and while they might be pretty open with each other about how fucked everything is, they can't expect the same from him. They literally kidnapped him, they can't be too surprised that he isn't taking very kindly to them when his entire role is to guide Schlatt.

They don't have a great grasp on how to interact with him and don't know when they push too far until he snaps back (see his convo w Niki).

Also I love the conflict between Deathlings vs Clara's followers. The way that worship of Kristin has been outlawed and all these rumours (some may be true, some may not be) have been spread about them to justify it. Also the fact that Deathlings have a name to refer to them as a whole while Clara followers don't seem to or that Wilbur just doesn't use it bc he's so deep in her worship is a little detail that I adore. It adds to the whole "us vs them" mentality that has been grown in this country in regards to religion and reminds me very much of my own experiences with religion.

I'll go into more detail about this chapter in another ask but my general thoughts abt glass divine can be summed up into "inject this into my veins, the religious trauma hits a bit too close to home".

(1/2)

- 🦈

hi shark anon!!! welcome back!! i'm sorry school isn't going well :( manifesting you getting caught up soon king!

aaa thank you so much, I'm so glad you're enjoying glass divine so far. I'm liking it SO much more than someone else's dream. that fic was so rushed because I wanted to write the world but just didn't have the time to give it the story it deserved, so I'm really diving into everything I originally wanted to and then some with glass.

yesss wilbur is not thrilled to be there because he's been ripped away from his duty and everything he's known!! he's lashing out because he doesn't know what else to do. at least in the palace he had a false sense of being in control. now he knows full well he has no control of his life and what happens to him, and he's not being treated like a deity for once. those things combined have just sent him spiraling. not to mention the fact that he can't serve clara and it's making him panic.

the grey morality of the deathlings is definitely something I wanted to emphasize in this. just because they're treating him more like a person doesn't mean they're doing a great job of it. they still thought of him as more of a tool than a person and now they're being forced to confront the fact that he's going to be an irrational and angry human being who doesn't want to be in captivity. it's a fun conflict to play around with.

YEAHHH US VS THEM!! there is no term for clara followers because clara worship is the default. everyone is expected to worship clara, so why would they have a title? only the deathlings have a name for their group because it shows that they're different. they're not following the common beliefs and it brands them as heretics.

#ask #shark anon #through a glass divine

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astroonoo · 2 years

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hihi i’m here bc i need to write abt my pokémon Oc who had so much lore i have a character document that has over 500 words and isn’t nearly at all done yet and it’s going to be at least 1.5k i think so yayay

frfr i’m so interested in Pokémon i will never grow out of it and i love it so much but none of my friends play it only my cousin and brother and i just need to talk abt it bc i’ve been having an intense brainrot, (i’d say hyperfixation because that’s kind of how intense this brainrot is but idk if that’s a term used for people on the autistic spectrum bc one of my friends mentioned it once and i don’t want to throw terms around carelessly and be disrespectful to anyone so yeahhh!!!)

OKOK SO ANYWAY

they’re name’s Nyx, which means dark or night in Greek (i think?? im pretty sure because i read Heroes of Olympus and Nyx has a role in greek mythology and has to do with the night as well as fears but don’t quote me on that bc it’s been a bit since i’ve read up on my greek and roman mythology or read anything in the Riordanverse series so,, ahhh)

any their pronouns are they/xe/she and i love them to death i have a lot of OCs but they have the most detailed lore out of anyone so like yay favorite child IG

They are gender fluid and biologically female. so essentially FtGf/Nb

they are originally from Unova but ended up in Alola bc their parents thought moving would help them get along (i’ll go into this more later bc hooray TRAUMA CREATES FLAVOR I TELL YOU,,)

their team consists of Leafeon, Golisopod, Salazzle, Primarina, Mimikyu and Lunala, but not Nebby. it’s the one from the other timeline at the Altar of the Sunne/Moone near the team skull base on Ula’Ula Island, Nebby in their timeline/universe evolves into Solgaleo to balance out the sun and moon in their world

their timeline is in Sun and Moon only not Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon because Sun and Moon’s story line was so much better imo and as much as i loved USUM i loved Lusamine going insane much more so yeahhh

frfr the anime sucked in that aspect and don’t say “it’s for kids!!!!?!?!!;&:” I PLAYED MOON WHEN I WAS 10 PLS💀💀

anyWAY

Nyx was raised by Guzma after their parents decided that their child was the cause of their problems, but that was 2 years after they were abandoned. abt a year after they were, they met Eevee who later evolved into Leafeon by choice.

Nyx and Guzma actually met because Guzma was going to catch Eevee and sell him for cash but little 10 year Nyx came running and cried at him to stop and Guzma was like “wtf is this kid doing and where are their parents” and since he also had shitty parents he was like, “okay i’ll take this kid in and raise them so they don’t turn out like me ig lol”

So Guzma raised them and team skull loves them and they are the second admin of Team Skull next to Plumeria who joined maybe 2 years after Guzma took nyx in. Nyx was 12 at the time and Guzma was around 20 bc i headcannon that he was 17 when he formed team skull and 18 when he took Nyx in. Plumeria is basically Nyx’s older sister and had to teach them abt everything because Guzma had no idea on how to help a teenage girl with their girl problems (probably. idk i think it’d be funny if he freaked out about them getting their period or something bc he doesn’t know what to do and Plumeria is just like “what the fuck is wrong with you dumbasses”)

BUT YEAH NO I HAVE SO MUCH LORE FOR THEM THAT I LITERALLY WANT TO WRITE THEM 4 BOOKS.

it’d be like a coming of age story kind of with a lot of angst, crack, fluff, and overall just them trying to heal from their trauma while they experience the world of pokémon so,,

yay fun. i feel like this post is so long but i could go on and on and on abt my Oc so please help is it healthy to be this interested in a character you’ve made or a fandom you like???????

idk i might make like a part 2 to this because i’m so excited about them and i could keep ranting and explain and lore dumping and world building to random people on the internet but i’ll spare you all for now lol

#pokemon #pokémon oc #lore dump #brainrot #original character #someone needs to stop me #please help me #i’m so excited #is this normal #i love pokemon #ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

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jacensolodjo · 3 years

Note

Another trend I've noticed in fics that include Alpha: of the ones that take place directly after Rattatak and examine the consequences it had for both him and Obi-Wan, Alpha's trauma is always, always sidelined in favor of Obi-Wan's. Alpha tends to serve as a benchmark of yeah, he had it rough, but compared to Obi-Wan it was nothing.

Like, just because he's an ARC - and a grumpy one at that - doesn't mean he's impervious to pain and trauma.

Yeahhh that's... unfortunately a Thing that gets reinforced in canon (and EU Repcomm) that oh well, clones aren't like you and me they don't get traumatized they were literally built for war! You must be silly to think they can develop any kind of trauma response. While actively SHOWING TRAUMA RESPONSES. Our glimpse of the Nulls as literal toddlers is them showing they have already gained (Well... acquired. not gain. gain implies a positive thing) trauma response. already gained at the age of a toddler. And this is before the war is barely more than a twinkle in Palpatine’s eye.

Or like, in Rebels when we clearly see exactly what the war did to Wolffe and how he responds to Hera and Kanan and the rest. And you're telling me Alpha ARCs, clone trooper version 1.5 basically where very little is changed which means they haven't been scrubbed and won't be scrubbed of individuality... somehow won't have all these various and unique responses to war they're not even considered sentient enough to say 'no' to?

Instead it gets flipped on its head. Oh no, they can't be traumatized because they're literal psychopaths. It's in the Fett blood to be a little off! Ignoring all the nature vs. nurture and how what psychopathy actually is and not what people imagine it is cause of pop culture, once again the clones are being treated as objects rather than people. And they're being pointed to as being identical in response. Do psychopathic clones exist? you bet. are they all psychopaths? No. Like my little thought experiment earlier at literally using the assessment that helps psychologists diagnose real psychopaths showed that one would be hard pressed to label him as one because he falls short of the cut-off point for psychopathy diagnosis. Admittedly that is 'armchair psychology' but still. Point stands. (I mean you CAN be diagnosed as one without filling out a little bingo card assessment type thing but again, point stands when you break down what each piece of the assessment is actually assessing and then putting it into context of a literal war. But also... diagnosing a fictional character with very few POV scenes is... difficult to say the least.)

I want to say maybe people just don’t fully understand how cloning works and how personalities work and whatnot but... i’m much too old to believe in that when the real reason is often sadly the most common: prejudice. One of the other ‘all clones are this’ thing is sexuality which luckily I haven’t seen crop up in a while but gods damn was that annoying as hell and still is. If identical twins aren’t always gonna end up both being queer, why would clones? Being queer isn’t in the DNA. There is no ‘gay gene’. In this case it was completely stripping them of agency and humanity and human sexuality and deciding nope they’re all ace. Using... very acephobic thinking so that’s fun! (There has been SOME thought of whether epigenetics does play into it tho as a kind of... evolutionary... advantage.. thing?? idk it’s kinda weird because we’re expecting our bodies to know the population and shit but yeah) There’s a huge difference between a joke and actually going full speed ahead on a head canon, as well. This isn’t simply ‘bad joke’ this is ‘icky joke’.

Honestly what's kind of annoying but also heartbreaking is Wolffe's trauma is treated as a joke, too. Or he's labeled a traitor for reacting to triggers. And considering he's kind of a slightly less burnt version of 17?

Yeah it bothers me a lot. And people can argue 'don't take it so srs' but again, pop culture has a way of affecting how people think of certain things such as... trauma.

And no amount of simulation is going to amount to what actually happens in war. You might as well consider the clones as much of a blank slate in war experience as the jedi. Which means if you’re gonna focus on Obi-Wan, or Anakin, or Ahsoka and their traumatic experiences why not the clones? After all, Jedi learn to fight too. Just in a slightly different way. What makes them so special that the clones don’t have that isn’t the result of some form of prejudiced thinking? And no, concern for all life doesn’t count when they are actively throwing clones’ lives away.

#old wolf howls at shadows #the wolf howls #alpha 17 #jacen talks clones #Текст #sometimes i miss when it was just the whole... organization of the GAR itself that annoyed me lmaooo #anti jedi tag for ts #not a jedi appreciation blog

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sunflowerhae · 4 years

Text

Tandoori Chicken

⚠️HORROR ,, by the name you wouldn’t guess right?? Lmao keep reading! It’s not like, that bad? Still could be scary!

| 🎞📽 ▹▹Mark x reader

🎙• For the sake of the story, we’re gonna pretend that college dorm rooms have normal sized beds with the phat sheets, and not the high beds where you can clearly see underneath. ALSO also, I got this from a video I saw on Instagram of a TIKTOK, explaining a story where the same thing happens, although it’s a BIT different. Lemme tell u when I wrote the climax sentence, my own stomach dropped and tears came to my eyes at the sheer fear of the situation. Lol ENJOY!

“Jesus, how late is it?” Mark mumbled as he leaned back from his hunched position over the desk to stretch, only to find the library basically empty, with only the two librarians and a student or two staggering about. You - sitting across from him - looking up at his words, and, when reaching over to your phone and turning it on, were surprised to find that is was 12:46am. You stared at Mark in disbelief, and you both were astounded at how long you two managed to study without checking the time.

“Maybe we should end it there for the night?” You questioned, and Mark nodded while beginning to pack up his stuff - you starting to do the same. Everything was going fine up until the two of you found yourself standing on the library steps; prepared to say goodbye.

“So how are you getting home?” Mark asked, scratching the back of his neck.

“Um, probably walking. I live on campus, so it won’t be long. How ‘bout you?” Mark sighed at your question.

“Well, the bus doesn’t run this late, and I’m in a frat - as you know -

“-right,” you nodded.

“-so we live kind of off campus, I’m not sure. I might have to call someone. Maybe hyuck will be up?” He had started mumbling to himself a bit, and you smiled at him awkwardly, before finally suggesting what had been on your mind.

“Well, you could always just, I don’t know, psh, stay the night with me? I mean - not with me, with me, but.. I mean my roommate is at her um, b-boyfriends tonight so there’s an empty bed and I’m sure she wouldn’t mind you spending the night there once I explain the situation! I mean, you don’t have to or anything I totally understand if you just wann-“

“Y/N, y/n! Chill, sure, that’d be great actually. Hyuck would kill me if I woke him up - or worse, interrupted a gaming sess.” Mark gave his signature boyish laugh, and your heart leapt.

The thing is, you really liked Mark. You had him in your Political Science class, and the two of you had never spoken up until the moment you got paired together for a project - three months ago. You had already finished the project, but the two of you genuinely enjoyed each other’s company, so you liked to study together. It wasn’t much of a friendship, but it was something. Sometimes, you both studied in a cafe, and Mark would always buy your drink,

so yeahhh, it was love.

When the two of you finally got back to your bedroom, something felt, off. It was cold, first off, which was unusual - your roommate always left the room hot. Second, it was pitch black, but you could have sworn you left a lamp on - knowing how much you hated walking all the way across the room in the dark to turn on the light. The scariest thing, however, was that your door was unlocked. Had your roommate possibly changed all of this before she left? You were scared, but felt more calm with Mark walking in right after you.

After you turned on the lamp, you turned around to Mark, who was looking at all the photos on your desk. “I’ll see if Seulgi - my, uh, roommate - has anything you can wear. Her boyfriend stays over a lot.” You went and looked in her drawers, and successfully found a pair of shorts for Mark to wear. After giving them to him and turning around so he can change, he awkwardly coughed, and you both stood in silence; until Mark broke it.

“Um, I might just sleep on the floor. I already am wearing her clothes, I don’t want to take your roommates bed too. It might be more comfortable for me.”

“You sure?” Mark nodded in affirmation, and you gave him a quick, “ok,” before taking an extra blanket you had in your closest and handing it to him, along with a pillow of yours. After he comfortably was resting on the ground, and you were snuggled into your sheets, you wordlessly turned off the lamp and gave Mark a, “night, Mark,” to which he responded,

“Sweet dreams, y/n.”

2:00am.

You could hear the shuffling.

At first, you didn’t want to open your eyes - hoping you could will yourself back into your dreams - but eventually it got kind of annoying, so you turned your body to be facing outwards and opened your eyes. You could just barely make out a figure standing in the room, and in a moment of terror and surprise, you turned on your light.

Mark was standing in the middle of your dorm room, which would usually calm you down, but the look on his face just scared you more. He looked like a mix of confused, and also terrified - but it seemed like he was trying to keep that one in.

“Mark, what are you doing up?”

Mark quickly glanced at you, almost as if he didn’t know you were awake, and gave you the strangest look you’ve ever seen on someone’s face before.

“Y/n,” he suddenly says, “I’m hungry, let’s go get some tandoori chicken.” You were baffled, and sat up higher in your bed.

“Mark, no, it’s 2am. Just get something from the food cart thingy,” you said, and gestured to the food area of your dorm. Mark’s face went even more pale then it already was - you just now realized how pale it was - and before you knew it, he took two huge strides over to your spot on the bed, grabbed your forearm, and used all of his strength to pull you off the bed.

“No, we’re GETTING tandoori chicken, right now.” Once you’re successfully off the bed, he continues to pull you out of the room, not even letting you get your keys or shoes before you leave.

Once you both are successfully out of your room and a few feet down the hallway, Mark stops, and you pull your arm from his grip while you practically yell, “what the hell mark?” Mark turns around to face you, and he no longer tried to hide his blatant fear; you realized he was successfully holding back, because the look in his eyes at that moment chilled you to the bone.

“I’m not really hungry, we just needed to get out of that room. Y/n, there was someone under your bed.”

Bonus (this is a bonus bc I don’t like it lol)•

You felt like you were about to throw up, but successfully kept it down as you asked,

“What?”

“Okay, I woke up like, 4 minutes before you did with like this restless feeling that I was being watched, and no offense but I thought it was you because well, you’re the only one in the room with me, right? Well when I opened my eyes, and look up at you, you were dead asleep. I felt sick, because the feeling was still there, only heightened, like whoever was watching me knew that I knew. I just moved my line of sight to under the bed for a second, just a glance, and I saw someone staring back at me, y/n. A man, a whole ass person, just...watching me. I got up as casually as i could and started mumbling about wanting chicken just loud enough to where they could hopefully hear me, and you would hopefully wake up; thankfully you did.” You both quickly made a b-line straight for your RA’s dorm, but when the police checked your room, no one was there, but there was evidence of them being there. You guessed they left while you and Mark were out of the room, but it didn’t stop the fact that you now had a habit of checking every nook and cranny of your living space the minute you got home, and it didn’t definitely didn’t stop you and Mark from sleeping together most nights, possibly using the shared trauma to get closer.

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prettygirlcore · 4 years

Note

You don't have to answer this one if you feel like its in sensitive territory bb!! I just wonder about these things sometimes since I was bullied when I was younger and my first "boyfriend" actually only asked me out as a dare🙃 yeahhh that traumatized me for a bit, but how would the yanderes react to a really low self esteem girl that keeps rejecting them because she thinks that it must be a prank being pulled on her? Who would lash out of frustration; who would do anything to reassure her??-🍎

ahh this is a bit sensitive so please read with caution! what that boy did was horrible and we don’t endorse that at all!!!

hongjoong is so annoyed?? like i see him wanting to start courting you and you’re just so hesitant and though he logically knows why, you should know he’s different!! yandere hongjoong got a case of nice guy syndrome rip

seonghwa is understanding, actually. he doesn’t need the relationship to be taken that fast as long as you’re his. plus, if he can just get you to trust him, and absolutely no one else, then you’ll be forced to rely on him forever.

yunho is the type to do anything to reassure you!! he’s could never be annoyed or upset with you!!! wow he doesn’t really kill that much (solely because it’s an annoyance to get away with, not that he doesn’t l o v e the feeling of blood on him), but he will probably pressure you into giving him this boys name and letting yunho do his thing.

yeosang is disappointed, but it doesn’t really matter. sure, you have some reservations about dating him, but you have those about dating anyone else, so it’s actually kinda helpful in the way that most people give up at this point. less competition for him.

san can and will make fun of you. he has no problems with bringing up your old trauma. and if you cry to him about how he’s being so inhumane and cruel, even better.

mingi does that cute lil pouty face that he does and though he’s sad, he’s more sad for you than he is sad because he can’t have you just yet. he’s obsessed with you every movement, obsessed with every breath, and he’s even obsessed with how beautiful you look when you’re sad.

wooyoung is dismissive of it, honestly. if he does acknowledge it, he’s just saying ‘well, that’s why i’m perfect for you, you know my feelings for you are real and i know you love me just as much so let’s plan our wedding!!!’.

jongho is so ready to beat up that asshole right now, it doesn’t matter how many years ago it was. you might have to hold him back and reel him back in. tell him you don’t need that right now, and he’ll ask what you do need. he’ll do whatever to make you comfortable around him.

#🍎 anon #the inception project #yandere ateez #ateez yandere #ateez

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stray-tori · 3 years

Text

An Innocent Sin & the good gay flashback ft. my descent into madness

I wasn’t sure if I should post this but I mostly want it archived so here we go. This is from like,, September?

So. “An Innocent Sin” is a dumpster fire unlike anything I’ve ever seen. I don’t remember why I decided to read it. maybe I was crazy. Either way... I read it. It soon started to touch upon (very very outlandish) sexual abuse which I thought was interesting. (the angst, not so much some of the wack circumstances surrounding it)

ANYWAY. at some point... we have a flashback. And not just that. It has a gay character.

And it turns rly gay. which mind you, is still in a het smut manwha (that has a “gay” side couple, but still!)

And it destroyed me.

For those who want to read it because I genuinely think the flashback is a decent bit, it’s all the bonus chapters between chapter 77 and 78 I think. There’s a part before that too, but idk where exactly anymore. (It’s on lezhin! or your platform of choosing)

I don’t THINK you’ll need any other knowledge to get the flashback bit? but it’s been a while.

Below the cut (rip mobile users), you can read all of my amazing reactions (all of these were text messages, for context - but I took most of the replies and convos about other things out). Post is also tagged as long post. :))

(i’m serious, this is fucking long)

__________

Here I am. Liking the gay flashback character. Feck. Main dude is still straight but idk it's cute pff

This is a mess. The girl white hair likes, likes black hair, maybe, but thinks white hair is attractive

What just happened is sth I'd like to know too pff He's so cute tho omg. Watch me melt Can we stay in this flashback before everything got perverted af and before white hair gets assaulted all the time I would send an eyebrow emote if I could Context: he's asking he says it again

Ik it's not mutual but loookkk he's so sweet. He's kinda rude in present time, can't we stay in this flashback forever

I never asked for gay, never expected gay but I got gay

This story is trash why am I still reading it shdhhd

He caught his mom cheating. And now she's forcing him to watch??? What is thissss Well adoptive mom But still sudhdidu what Bitch how dare YOU exist

Save my babyyyy

Yay sister that's not yet a rapist to the rescueee

This flashback is actually just nicer in every way let's just stay here This is a super long flashback btw Idek anymore what triggered it

Okay I think I'm gonna make the sensible decision and let this dumpster fire rest and just go sleep

It was very wild. I kinda wanna see white hair get therapy but it has 90 chapters and I'm at like 30... So I'm very concerned this is gonna be very dragged out. Idek if it's even finished ahahsududi - but I do kinda wanna see where it goes and see more cute Noah (white hair) so. Here we are.

yeahhh like i was down for the sexual abuse angst but then the mother killed the adoptive son's mother bc the dad had a thing for her?? and it was someone a person studying with white hair knew and so he's investigating and I'm like how did this turn into a crime organisation kind of plot

hhhhhhh i... i appreciate these horny things also tackling abuse but it always kind of gives me weird vibes to have both, especially when its very horny. And when people are horny to people who've been abused. Idk but I'd assume... you might try NOT to tie them up if they're frequently bondaged during their assaults. I'm just.... disjdksdj hello?? am i weird?? why are they fine with it???

also this manwha is so wild, theres this murder mystery investigation thing and then theres just a couple doing honry stuff sprinkled in between and i'm like OKAY

they rescued a guy in their basement and he's understandably very traumatized and they're trying to question him cut to our main couple trying bondage which i still dont understand bECAUSE HE'S A RAPE VICITM WHY ARE YOU OKAY WITH THIS the ones questioning arent the main couple of course but idshkjds

like im glad he's somehow okay with all this horny stuff despite his trauma and im glad he can be happy and have a nice relationship but DO WE NEED THIS MUCH OF IT he's very cute tho

i like that even when i try other stuff lezhin recommends me it still has large amount of gay in it

[mei: i mean... that's pretty great, if you ask me]

I mean I agree, I'm enjoying the gay eheheh these tonal whiplashes there's not even that much white space between the panels fhjd nvm it just turned horny goddamn it can there be 1 chapter without fucking? okay, there were the flashbacks

WE ARE BACK IN FLASHBACKS but im not getting the gay relationship, sad

OH WAIT AM I GETTING GAY COMFORT bc thats very good too

OH NNOOO this turned sad very quickly

I'M SORRY IM SPAMMING BUT THIS IS JUST ANGSTY

I'M :((((

different species confirmed

I rly like them :((( I like the current girl too but it's just..... very horny with her. the flashbacks are nice [current tori edit: she’s very unloyal idk why i said I liked her] im weird HHHHH RIPPP

someone help him he looks so saddddd

not sure if thats the most healthy relationship but I'LL TAKE IT

AWWW black hair's mom cooks mild food for them bc Noah can't eat spicy food :((( im soft

PFFF

I LOVE THE FLASHBACKS :(((

awww

i feel like theyve done much more bonding than noah's current relationship. I mean yes I think its cute when she comforts him, too, but they rarely do anything besides be horny together

OH OH THEY'RE KISSING

best buildup, honestly

the position is hornier than I'd like later here goes hope it stays cute

D-did someone just respect the word "stop"??? I am amazed

i think you might uh. have some trauma stuff too so yknow

Dohye is a little dramatic in his reassurance but it's all rly cute so I'm :(( I like them a lot pls stay like this getting invested in flashbacks is always like: ik it wont stay but pls stay like this

hELP

chapters ending in "i wanna touch him" is never good. I'm scared. Oh okay he didnt do anything. PHEW. He's already better than the girl, can't they just end up together lmao

[Noah was jealous]

w-why do you look so evil dohye haukdhjs

oh. oh no. the horny is starting. pls dont... just be cute forever

DOHYE NO YOU WERE SO DECENT WHY ARE YOU LYING ABOUT KOREAN TRADITIONS TO GET HIM TO DO STUFF HORNY STUFF TOO NO PLS STOP I JUST- WHEEE TvT the manwha is actually less visually horny in the flashbacks but im not sure if its bc its BL which isnt rly the genre of the manwha or if its bc they're still kids basically, which... I'd respect the latter, tho I'd prefer it to be like this constantly haha

okay. he's not respecting stop anymore, but it's also more of embarrassed nature more than "no i dont want this stop" so maybe i can forgive it. Still losing points, but he hugged him and it was sweet so HHHHHHHHHHH NOT SURE HOW I SHOULD JUDGE THIS SITUATION

They [Noah’s family] forbid him to visit his friends house I AM DEVASTATED

understandable they're a rapist, a fucked up murderer mother and a father with a thing for younger women so

tho he dont know any of that but yknow he's so pretty just fucking end me on the spot

hooo

they are boyfriends and ik from the future that his sister is gonna ruin it allll she has those drugs that make visual imaginations feel like they rly happened to the person (dont know if thats real but holy fuck its terrifying) and she's used it before to say that Noah assualted her. and im pretty sure shes gonna use it again bc there was a panel of Noah remembering Dohye being uhhhh intimate with her and thats why Noah began to hate him and im so sad im not ready for it. bc he's denied it in the future and i honestly couldnt see it happening even before that or she drugged Dohye, i guess thats a possibility too

[current tori: oh girl, it’s neither and it’s wack]

which if, btich you gonna die even more enough rambling, more reading. this makes me so sad but also spicy

on the manwha note, he thinks Noah doesnt like his family bc he's adopted and doesnt feel comfy which....... fair enough i suppose. and he's so cute im gonna melt just looK AT THIS

SHUt UP, IM GONNA CRY

OH MY GODDDD he ate like ice and gum and all that, and Dohye assumed it was bc of the more spicy food and got rl worried, but he was just trying to get the smell out of his breath bc he wanted to kiss him ukhsdjs HOW CAN YOU BE SO CUTE HELLLOOOOOOOOO

look at them. LOOK AT mY BABIESSSS

how am i ever gonna care about the main couple again aww he-he wanted to go to the same highschool as him :((( im sad bc i know its not gonna happennnnnn

[mei: also at this point, you're literally never gonna care about them. i don't even know the main couple that well and i honestly don't care about them whatsoever.]

WAIT NO they're actually going to the same school awww ik it wont take long until sister fucks it up for them but for now theyre so sweet ohmygodddd

cant he move in with them, fuck his family honestly

dohye he's not a fucking pokemon iukhsdjs

oh. its. turning horny i am displeased with this development but i guess its natural for their relationship however COULD YOU DO IT AT HOME AND NOT IN SOME DUSTY SMALL ROOM how do ppl do this i like that the comments too are just "... is anyone still carng about the other girl?" sakjds

this is the best 3 panels in existence.

h-he just took your hand dohye idk what to tell you

[mei: "you blush at everything i do" god if that isn't me, idk what is]

awww its cute dohye is getting bonus points bc he invited Noah over while his mom wasnt home, they watched some sexual stuff and he DIDNT try to do anything what is this where can i get more of this

"well im not okay"

MY BABIESSSS

they still didnt do much btw they're just kinda exploring and its honestly nice TvT I dont want this to ever endddd

[Dohye sees Noah’s sister and approaches her] N O

N OOOO

this is the starttttt of something.......... TERRIBLEEEE

:((( babyyyy

I AM EMO

Noah was drugged im sure. hes having dreams and waking up in pain and the sister is asking doyhe over I DONT LIKE THISSSSSSS OH HE DECLINED

OKAY OKAY he saw him with her again but it was from behind and im not sure if it rly happened??? oh no this is terrible. Noah :((( poor child

i am so emo about this

[reminder he’s been abused TvT]

[the sister: “Don’t you want to know why?”]

i will. murder someone he called to ask her to delete his number btw what is this manwha but this is just gonna make it that more tragic when whatever happens that breaks them apart :(((

he's such a good bf but Noah just wont TELL him his side I'M SO SAD

I AM SO SAD

It cant end im actually tearing up nooo you were so cuteeee and happpyyy

[*sister is telling dohye to come to the gym hall*]

what else is she gonna do she already teared [current tori: ahem... T O R E] them apart THAT'S NOT DOYhE. THATS NEVER HIM. OH MY GOD. is it a look alike??? damn, she's dedicated to just. ruining it, huh

I’M

I’M SO SAD

now he's switching SCHOOLS NO NOOOOO how will i ever find happiness againnnn NO they're misunderstanding further they're not talking properly i mean i get it but oh my god

I'M :(((

NO NOOOO pls make up in the future at least omg he tried to clear it up tooo ahhh i dont even have hopes for them getting back together but i just i want them to clear it up im crying first manwha to make me cry and it's this dumpster fire ahaha maybe a little too bc it kinda hit a little close to home i guess but goddamnn ittttt they were so cuteee and so happy and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

OH NO. Noahs getting drugged and assaulted. And he's realizing it happened before, he just forgot. I am. so sad it's not horny drawn either which i appreciate but MY HEART NO

N O DONT YOU DARE MAKE THIS WORSE

Im. gonna cry more

Doyhe kept an eye on him im so emo :(( but he thought he was doing well enough and gave up.... Im im so sad no i want you to make up and get back together its all just a stupid........... MEHHHH will i ever find sth like this flashback again

[mei: p-probably not, no]

i am so devasted i dont even wanna go back to the main couple just fucking. i want this relationship back :(((( but i guess the investigation might end up somewhere so hhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhh the baker manwha had a similar flashback feeling so. i just gotta find more of that haha

BUT THIS WAS SO SAD??? im so emo

[Dohye got kidnapped // the flashback commentary stops here but I think my descend into madness is pretty funny too]

OH YEAH THAT HAPPENED. THE FLASHBACK WAS SO LONG I FORGOT. NOOOO SAVE HIM. JESUS CHRIST PLS JUST ONE GOOD THING

its. actually rly smart to have another, more focused on them flashback, before the arc where he gets kidnapped by the rapist murder household so. good job. from a meta perspective but also NO but also. maybe theres hope for them making up at least after all :(((

[main couple kissing] this is. very weird now. but im glad he has someone, he deserves it but dohyeeeee

and switching to sex, YET AGAIN now i wanna see this EVEN LESS THAN I DID BEFOREEEE it's even.... a threesome now with one of the other characters why are you like this why can't you be. like in the flashback i am so upset HAHHHHH WHEEEZEEEE

I am just stop fucking jesus christ PLEASE I DONT WANNA SEE IT ANYMOREEEEE

im just stop the horny pls just tell me who that new guy is and why doyhe likes him so much

[mei: this manwha is a fucking mess but at least we got your lovely commentary out of it]

dhsuksj thanks i feel honored at least i got cute BL out of it before everything went [back] to shit

[mei: THAT TOO]

[...]

tbh im getting kinda mad about doyhe... i dont... feel like he'd just fall instantly for a guy who looks like Noah... but eh not my character

i just want closure for dohye at this point, fuck everything else ... not literally pls theres already too much of that

pls get it together for like 1 chapter is the investigation even still happening i am so confused save dohye plEASE wait what i have less than 10 episodes left Dont tell me this shit isnt even wrapped up yet

[Dohye is having a breakdown over the Noah double not coming to see him anymore]

yeah i this... doesnt feel like Dohye... at all... Even when Noah was rejecting him he was just kind of... taking it with some humor and maybe he was a little desperate and risky sometimes but... oh well... i do want him to get better but... im having a hard time believeing this development??? he never seemed overly anxious or anything. but who knows what else they did to him. Sister can still go fuck off tho

[...]

i mean. i liked the flashbacks a lot honestly??? it stayed simple and focused on the dynamics and less trying to balance smut with murder plots

[dm partner: NO THAT'S WHAT I MEAN LIKE CLEARLY THE AUTHOR CAN MAKE A GOOD STORY SO I'M JUST... CONFUSED AS TO WHY THEY DIDN'T STICK WITH SOME SOFT, FLUFFY BL ROMANCE MANWHA AND DECIDED TO MAKE WHATEVER THIS IS INSTEAD ]

okay i dont care bc dohye is currently getting assaulted nobody asked for this why i just. this is terrible. he was... so sweet. he doesnt deserve this. nobody does of course but jesus christ pls someone save him at least its not horny visually, one saving grace

ah... the assult is back to being depicted horny-ly thank you for nothing

[... removed some general confusion about the plot]

YES. SOME SHIP FOOD.

i am. suffering i mean i cant stop but GOD

okay so apparantly. the sister. has just an arsenal of people who look like other people Dohye, then Noah... and even Noah's GF??? this is ridiculous??

one good message

why

did you feel the need to add that [actual tired rage]

im gonna die this manwha is gonna kill me im laughing but im suffering oh hes arrested great and thats the end and the last update was in january of this year

why AS IN NOAH IS ARRESTED nobody who actually did anything is arrested What is this why is this AHHH I at least wanted the complete-ness of finishing this but now I'M JUST SUFFERING

[ mei: I MEAN TO BE FAIR I'D BE SUFFERING TOO BC JUST... WHAT THE FUCK I HAVE?? MANY QUESTIONS?? AND MANY CONCERNS BC THIS MANWHA IS JUST... AN EXPERIENCE ]

its an experience allright WELL

_______________

yup that’s it.

in my head, in a twist of events Dohye and Noah make up and are actual endgame. Something like that must exist out there but I won’t ask because it’d destroy the surprise and ruin the point.

That’s it.

Have a nice day.

#an innocent sin #dohye x noah #noah x dohye #long post #tori talks #tori has opinions #reactions #yes I do this often in our dms #poor mei #toriqueue

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shima-draws · 4 years

Note

Shima please tell me about your galaxy brain human Lucario AU I wanna know how it all pans out

NDASKMADMLASMKSA OMG ANON I am more than happy to share :'D This got really REALLY long, I hope you enjoy a good read lmao

So we have. Lucario. As a human. Possibly named after an actual Pokemon Lucario, idk. He's still Aaron's apprentice—trains under him at the castle to become an aura user. However, human Lucario is like. 15, making his connection to Aaron that much more powerful bc he's pretty much baby and Aaron's in his mid twenties practically raising this kid by himself. Lucario views Aaron as kind of a father/guardian figure? He's still so uptight at this point tho;; and he views Lady Rin as a mother (which. Is. SOFT). Rin and Aaron might be in love, it's hard for Lucario to tell, he doesn't Romance. He just focuses on his aura training. Pssh.

Fast forward to the time of the Big Pokemon War. Aaron realizes the only way to stop the fighting is to go find Mew at the Tree of Beginning. However he knows that this is a huge sacrifice—and knowing how loyal Lucario is to him, Aaron knows he'll follow him and be subjected to the same fate. And Aaron's like—Lucario is just a kid, you know? He still has so much more to experience and live for. So while it fucking breaks his heart to shatter Lucario's trust in him (for the time being) and totally ruin his father figure status, Aaron "betrays" Lucario and traps him inside the staff. It's some crazy magic aura crystal thing that seals something inside of it, whether it be a Pokemon, human, spirit, or whatever else. At this point it's also for Lucario's safety—bc nothing can really touch him while he's in there, and they're in the middle of a war, so yeah it's just really good timing and planning to protect his kid. However Aaron, being the adorable himbo dumbass he is, kinda forgets that this is an aura crystal, and therefore needs aura to "unseal" it essentially, which would set Lucario free. Unfortunately after Aaron goes to the Tree and gives up his life to stop the war (cue Titanic music) there's not really any other aura user around. They're pretty rare, even way back then;; so Lucario falls into a deep slumber, being sealed, and is kept there for about 1000 years.

And then!! Ash fucking Ketchum enters the picture!!

Lucario is suddenly woken because he senses Aaron's aura nearby. Absolutely pissed at Dad for leaving him behind, Lucario escapes from the staff and goes to attack, but stops when he realizes Dad is actually not Dad, it is adorable 14 year-old boy who has a similar aura to Aaron. Cue a very disgruntled teenager running through the palace, totally out of place and confused. Eventually he's stopped by Lady Ilene, who explains what's going on. Naturally Lucario's heartbroken—not only is his master/dad/guardian dead, but so is his mother figure, and everybody else he'd once known in the castle. Bc Ilene looks so similar to Rin, Lucario takes comfort from her. Ilene does her best to console him and asks if he'll do her a favor. He leaps at the chance to make her happy—apparently he's a sucker for getting good Parent Figures to like him—and agrees to go help Ash and co. find Pikachu at the Tree of Beginning.

Instead of Lucario doing the Naruto run ahead of the group (which like. How the fuck is he so fast...) he actually sits in the car in the passenger's seat with Kidd doing the driving for him, bc hell if a human can run for that long and not be totally wiped out afterward (also he just woke up from a 1000 year nap. Yeahhh. Not gonna happen.) Also baby has no idea what the fuck a car even is so he's a bit nervous around it, and Kidd's like "Um yeah no I'm not letting you drive. Just tell me where to go" so Lucario uses his aura to lead her. Things progress p much the same way, with Lucario getting strangely attached to Ash despite not wanting to, at all, but it's hard because Ash is just Perfect and a Good Boy and pretty much gives Lucario the sort of attention he craves. Eventually tho that all comes to a head when Ash brings up his friendship with Pikachu. Lucario's still bitter about Aaron and honestly can't bring himself to trust any of them—and is pissed at himself for having taken a liking to Ash despite that—so that leads into their giant fight in the first step of their enemies to lovers trope. Ha. Even so, he still gets consoled by Max (and is given CHOCOLATE!! Which is the most fucking heavenly thing he's ever tasted), and witnesses Ash unable to sleep bc of his honest worry for Pikachu. Lucario does some Deep Thinking to himself about his relations to the group.

The next day, the group activates the Time Flower that recorded Aaron's entire abandonment of Lucario. Believe it or not being a young kid in training for a war tends to give you a bit of trauma, so Lucario freaks out a little and starts attacking the hollow projections of the enemy Pokemon. Ash manages to calm him down. Lucario collapses and asks why Aaron had abandoned him. What did he do wrong? Why would Aaron turn against the kingdom? Why did Aaron trap him in the staff? He doesn't know shit and it's frustrating. Ash comes up to him and apologizes, and as soon as the waterworks turn on Lucario's like oh nooo. Oh NOOOO. Here's this boy laying his heart out on his sleeve and is so honest and open and sincere that he can't help but feel awful for how he treated him. Lucario immediately forgives Ash and is like "I will now protect you with my life" bc Ash is baby and Lucario realizes for the first time!! He's made an actual friend with somebody that isn't his dad or the queen! And if he's friends with Ash that means he can be friends with Brock and May and Max and Kidd too. The prospect is EXCITING. He can trust these people now, he knows, because they saw what happened and they believed him about Aaron. They're choosing to side with him over the "kingdom's hero" and that honestly means a lot—it's a huge commitment and Lucario's just. Super grateful that he has a group of people backing him up. Lucario promises himself that he'll reunite Ash and Pikachu, bc if he were given the chance he'd reunite with the people he once held dear too. Ash and Pikachu really care about each other and Lucario admires and respects that a lot and he wants to make Ash happy so!! He's like. It is my personal mission to see that we find Pikachu successfully. And Ash is just like :'D !!! And it's that moment when Lucario realizes that he might like Ash a biiit more than he originally thought he did. Huh.

Literally not even 30 seconds after that revelation Regirock attacks and Lucario almost has a fucking aneurysm because he JUST made friends with these people!! And now they're going to get killed if he's not careful! Story of his life. He immediately shifts into Protect Ash Mode™ and hurries everyone to safety. Things are crazy. Lucario has too much of a burden on his shoulders. He's stressed. But Ash is with him and that makes things a little bit better so he focuses on getting them to where they need to go and protecting them along the way. Big job for such a young kid. Whew!!

Traveling through the Tree of Beginning, weird antibodies keep voring people, and it's not fun. At one point Lucario takes the bullet for Kidd, but is mysteriously released (probably bc of his aura and his connection to Aaron, who gave up his life, which gave energy to the tree and to Mew. So there's a connection there. The tree kinda sees Lucario as one of its own.) Finally, finally! Ash and Pikachu are reunited! Lucario can immediately sense how close they are and how much of a bond they have. Seeing someone with so much history with Ash makes Lucario a bit shy around Pikachu, but it’s cool, they warm up to each other eventually!

Right after this, Ash and the others find out that May, Brock and Max were devoured by the antibodies. Lucario barely has any time to grieve for them before the Regis burst in and essentially trap him as Ash and Kidd are attacked by the cells next. Lucario watches in absolute horror as Ash is swallowed up. It’s like Aaron all over again—and this time it’s worse because Ash hadn’t done anything wrong, and Lucario had really come to trust him and admire him as a person. It’s absolutely fucking heartbreaking. He watches in hollow-eyed despair as Pikachu and Ash’s other Pokemon cry over him. Everything sucks. The world is a nightmare. Lucario almost wishes he’d gotten swallowed too. Why is it always him that’s the last one standing, the only one left, the remainder to deal with the carnage and the loss by himself? Then Mew performs its voodoo magic and lo and behold!! Ash and the others are miraculously revived! Lucario is absolutely overjoyed and relieved. It’s then that he realizes he’d be absolutely devastated if he lost Ash for good—even more so than Aaron. At this point he’s kinda come to terms about Aaron’s death, though it still hurts because there’s so many questions left unanswered.

Of course right after this Mew collapses and everything goes to shit again. Great. (Can he get like five seconds to maybe just breathe?? Idk.) At the center of the Tree of Beginning, Lucario finds Aaron’s gloves and things start to click into place. Maybe...the stories were true? Lucario activates the Time Flower there and realizes what Aaron had done, his noble sacrifice, and why he couldn’t bear to get Lucario involved. Lucario breaks down in tears bc he’s so relieved and yet so unbearably sad. Aaron was like his father. Someone who cared for him so immensely and deeply. Aaron urged Lucario to continue on and live his life to the fullest—that’s what he wanted for him, after all. But at this point Lucario isn’t sure if he can. Mew needs saving, after all.

Lucario decides he’ll follow in Aaron’s footsteps and save Mew, no matter how sad it makes him to have to leave his new friends so early. Ash immediately protests, along with Kidd, and Lucario tells them that it’s a risk he has to take, just like Aaron. Mew and the Tree need his power more than ever now, and he can’t just abandon them. He starts to pour all of his aura into Mew, but it’s not enough. Ash puts on Aaron’s gloves and jumps in, deciding to help out. Lucario is grateful but also very panicked because Ash literally just came back to life—he couldn’t bear losing him a second time, especially since he already lost Aaron. Lucario tries to bump him out of the way but Ash absolutely won’t let him!! If they’re going down they’re going down together. Ash tells him that he can’t watch Lucario take on the burden by himself over and over—that he wants to split the weight and make things even. Cue a very emotional tense moment between two boys about to sacrifice their lives together. Neither of them want the other to die, but they don’t really have a choice. Mew absorbs their power and then…

Lucario wakes up.

And he’s alive. Holy fuck!! (There’s no fucking way I’d kill him nope not happening not this time bitches)

Apparently splitting the burden of giving one’s life energy to another with a second person eases the consequences—leaving both Ash and Lucario alive (which makes him realize that if he’d gone with Aaron all those years ago and split the burden, both of them would have lived. But strangely Lucario wouldn’t trade that opportunity for what he has now.) Ash literally jumps on him and hugs him so tight he nearly dies a second time, but it’s fine. It’s a good way to go.

The tree is safe, and so is Mew. Ash rejoins the others, bringing Lucario with him. They all have a merry little reunion, and then head back to the castle together.

At this point, Ilene thanks Lucario for all he’d done—for Ash and co. and for the tree and Mew. She then sets Lucario free—saying he can do whatever he wishes, he can follow any path in life he wants to now! Suddenly there’s a whole world full of possibilities, and that world is there for him to explore. He can practically hear Aaron encouraging him to take a step into the unknown, journey to his heart’s content, make tons of friends, and master his aura. Except Lucario isn’t really sure he wants to take the trip by himself. He bashfully asks Ash if they’d be alright with him joining them. Ash is absolutely fucking ecstatic, of course. He asks Lucario to teach him how to properly use his aura, and Lucario has a big self revelation moment like “The student has become the master” and it’s magical. So we hit off a brand new adventure with Lucario traveling with Ash, Brock, May, and Max, and teaching Ash how to hone his aura! Which gives us more aura Ash moments, which everybody craves! And it’s kinda gay and lovely!!

And that is my rewrite happy ending for Lucario and the Mystery of Mew thank you goodnight ✌️

#Shima answers questions #Pokemon #Pokeani #Lucario #Long post #Ash Ketchum #Aurashipping #Anipoke #Lucario and the Mystery of Mew #Human Lucario #May #Max #Brock #Shima’s AUs #I had FUN writing this LOL #Hope you enjoy uwu

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makeste · 5 years

Text

BnHA Chapter 109: Rescue Exercise

Previously on BnHA: Bakugou and Deku’s groups met up after passing phase one of the exam. Bakugou eyed Deku and was all, “I see you made that *~*~*BORROWED POWER*~*~*��your own,” which caused me to lose my shit, but then he walked off without saying anything further. Aoyama and Iida were big damn heroes, but Aoyama really took the cake, firing up his laser and using it as a beacon to draw in the remaining class 1-A strays so that they could all regroup and pass. Which they did, with not a second to spare. Back in the anteroom, the 100 remaining examinees were directed to watch as the examiners demolished the testing field with a series of explosions, and then announced that phase two of the exam would be a rescue operation.

Today on BnHA: The exam guys explain that the second part of the test will involve rescuing old folks and little kids from a mock disaster site. The “victims” are professional actors who basically do this for a living. While the group waits for phase two to begin, Sero gossips to the others about Deku and the Weird Naked Girl from Shiketsu Academy. Meanwhile a polite Yeti from Shiketsu comes to apologize to Bakugou on behalf of his dick classmate (the meat lump guy from a couple chapters ago). Shouto goes up to Yoarashi and is all “is it just me or do you hate my guts” and Yoarashi is all “yeah I do, cuz your eyes remind me of Endeavor’s.” Phase two begins and the kids set off a-rescuin’. Deku gets chewed out for not being smiley enough, but recovers. Ochako decides she’s going to stop acting like she’s in a shoujo manga for the time being, which, finally!! The exam continues, with a plot twist or two very clearly on the horizon.

(As always, all comments not marked with an ETA are my unspoiled reactions from my first readthrough of this chapter. I’ve read up through chapter 148 now, so any ETAs will reflect that.)

~new volume time~!

oh. yeahhh

now that’s the shit I do like. my boys being two sides of the same coin

and in the background it looks like Yoarashi and Todoroki are indeed being rivals, and Todo looks to be embracing his fire side at long last!

and is that Gang Orca just randomly there in the background also or what

anyway

“IT’S ABOUT YOUR QUIRK FUCKWIPE”

(ETA: after this volume, FA got a new translator, and I feel like this was the original translator’s last hurrah lol. to be fair, the guy apparently had a ton of impact on early BnHA fandom. he was even the one who came up with “quirk” as a translation for kosei which obviously stuck. but all the same, I’ve definitely noticed a steep drop in the number of profanities uttered in FA’s translations since he left.)

oh my god shit’s gonna hit the fan. fucking finally. they wouldn’t have brought it up out of the blue in the previous chapter unless things were about to come to a head! I smell another Kacchan essay coming on before these next nine chapters are done

wow look at this title page though

Todoroki looks very ~moody~ here and I can’t help but feel more daddy angst is on the horizon. there’s got to be some reason why the otherwise stand-up guy Yoarashi keeps looking at him like he smells something bad

yay the character page has the characters in action again instead of just profile pictures of them! for a little while I was afraid Horikoshi was running out of steam to keep doing these. I really like them every time he does one and this is no exception

Bakugou looks like he’s gotten more jacked. been hittin the gym

is Tokoyami using Dark Shadow to fly...? can he do that?

Rat Principal’s just sitting there in All Might’s lap. interesting to see him here; I assume this means more plot stuff is on the horizon. WHO IS THE TRAITOR

poor Kirishima, shown here a split second away from falling flat on his face

Jirou is perfect as always, I wonder if she’s ever not been perfect

go away Mineta

anyways. on to the chapter

so the first thing I wondered upon reading this opening panel (“we’ll be having you conduct rescues as ‘bystanders’ at this disaster site”) is, what the fuck do they mean by “bystanders.” but thankfully the kids are asking the exact same thing

oh, you did it as a lesson once. REMEMBER? no I don’t fucking remember because I wasn’t there. I can’t believe you did a bystander rescue lesson without me. fuck you guys!

they’re saying that they won’t be acting as ordinary citizens, but as people who’ve already secured a provisional license. so basically, heroes who happened to be onsite during the disaster

and there are the old men and kids we saw earlier

I wonder if they’re going to purposely make things as difficult for the rescuers as possible

wow, apparently they all do this professionally. they’ve got fake blood and everything

the exam guy is saying they work for the “Help Us Company” or HUC for short. haha I love this

so okay, the examinees have to rescue them and do it as professionally as possible. but are there any other crazy requirements for this exam like there have been with all of the other ones

wow, apparently not. “this time you and your rescue efforts will be graded via points.” how curiously normal. almost suspiciously so

Iida and Deku are staring at the field

if that’s the case, I wonder is it just a rescue operation then, or did they hire any actors to possibly play villains as well...? like, exactly how realistic are they going for here

anyway, the resemblance seems to make this more personal for them. Deku’s looking serious and determined. “let’s give it our best shot”

hoh boy Sero is coming over to Kami and Mineta and says he has something to tell them, and immediately you know it’s gonna be about that naked chick from Shiketsu

I’m so torn on this because. basically they think Deku was fooling around with her and they’re like “WHAT, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE EXAM??” and caught somewhere in between outraged and impressed. but like, they’re horny teenage boys and of course they’re gonna be interested

really, if it was just Sero and Kaminari (a.k.a. the two that actually respect their fellow students and haven’t groped and/or attempted to peep on and/or raid their underwear and/or all of the other disgusting things Mineta has done or tried to do), I wouldn’t mind it, because really they’re just gossiping and fantasizing. but as usual Mineta ruins everything

ffff okay screw it, this is pretty funny. I mostly just like that they all think Deku’s got game now. and this girl is not helping at all

now they’re all disappearing in a cloud of angry fight smoke (as one does), and Ochako is staring

c’mon Ochako you know he wouldn’t do you like that. you know him better than that

over by the refreshments table, some guys from Shiketsu are coming over to say hi to Bakugou

they’re asking did Seiji go after him and he’s like “yeah and I knocked his punk ass out”

this sasquatch-looking guy is apologizing for Seiji’s behavior. hmmm

hmmmmm. is this sincere? I don’t fucking trust anyone from any of these other schools until the exam is finally over

everyone else is skeptical too lol

Todoroki is remembering Yoarashi’s >:( face from earlier and is like, then wtf was up with that

Shouto they all have hats. be fucking specific

obviously he’s talking to Yoarashi though

so he’s asking if he did something

Yoarashi’s turning to him like

“no. absolutely nothing at all”

haha. no, actually he’s addressing him as “son of Endeavor.” so yeah I’m starting to get an inkling here that he doesn’t like Todoroki’s dad

okay, whoa

okay, HOLD UP. you come into my house and you come up to my son who’s already been through enough dad-related trauma for a lifetime and who already has ten thousand hang-ups about being too similar to his dad, and who is actually THE SWEETEST BOY WHO EVER LIVED, TRUFAX, and you go up to him and you say you don’t like him because HIS EYES ARE THE SAME AS ENDEAVOR’S? Yoarashi, I’ll have you know that I liked you. but if it’s going to be like that, I WILL MAKE YOU MY ADVERSARY IN A HEARTBEAT and don’t think for a second that I won’t!!

AND HE’S REALLY GOING OFF NOW WITHOUT EVEN FUCKING EXPLAINING WHY HE DOESN’T LIKE ENDEAVOR AND WHY HE’S CONDEMNED SHOUTO TO NOT BEING LIKED JUST BECAUSE OF HIS JERK DAD

ARE YOU TRYING TO UNDO ALL THAT SHIT DEKU WORKED SO HARD FOR DURING THE SPORTS FESTIVAL ARC?? DEKU’S ARMS DIED FOR THIS

and I’m not sure if Deku actually saw all of this happening, but now he’s asking if Todoroki is okay

or at least he starts to, but then this girl whose name I unfortunately forgot (hold on I’ll look it up again... Camie) is bidding him farewell and he’s getting distracted by that. and then immediately Kami and Mineta are tearing into him again

meanwhile Ochako is staring at Camie with a weirdly contemplative look

jealousy!?!??! like, is it not obvious?? there’s a whole shipping thing that Horikoshi is trying to do with you and Deku here, but I’m really skeptical of his ability to pull it off even remotely gracefully. but it sure doesn’t look like it’s going anywhere so I guess WE SHALL SEE

whoa now all of a sudden a voice is blaring over the speakers and interrupting all of their teenage shenanigans

finally. Todoroki angst aside, that was beginning to get tiresome

and here they go!

I wonder if they’re also going to be tested on their ability to work with the kids from the other schools here. because in a real life rescue effort, they’d have to put aside their differences. and that scene just before this sure did a good fucking job of establishing that various people here all have various beefs. I hope they don’t get sidetracked by that

so they’re all setting off, and they’re wondering how they’re going to be graded. well, my speculation is that the ones who bring the others together and work cooperatively will get the highest score. in other words, I think this test is going to weed out the ones with too much ego, among other things

so, Bakugou... lol. good luck kiddo

(ETA: sob)

like two seconds in and they already stumbled upon a crying little kid

oh shit these instructors are not fucking around

DEKU YOU FUCKED UP SOMEHOW

he’s screaming at him why didn’t he check if he was okay first, look at all the blood on him, etc.

he says heroes with provisional licenses need to be able to judge the victims’ situations at a glance. well thank you for the helpful hint dude

someone from another school is saying that they’re going to mark the area as dangerous, and someone else is saying no, make it a wider area because we don’t know if the damage might spread

someone else is making roads and helipads

and some of Ms. Joke’s kids are setting up a temporary refuge and triage station

Aizawa’s rubbing his head and says he knew his kids would fall behind when it came to this sort of thing. well how much training have they had for this?

okay this is actually really interesting. this is something we haven’t gotten into at all yet

and that kid that was yelling at Deku says that most of all, a hero’s first words upon arriving at the scene shouldn’t be, “OH NO THAT’S TERRIBLE,” but rather...

wow Deku you really did fuck up, huh. wasn’t this the entire reason you wanted to be a hero in the first place?

but thanks again HUC kid for your free advice

so now Deku is snapping himself out of it and getting his game face on

I kinda wish his game face wasn’t so cuddly, but I’ll take it

now the HUC kid is immediately getting back in character and telling Deku to go save his grandpa

so Deku’s directing the others to go help gramps while he takes the kid to the first aid station

Ochako is just STANDING THERE WATCHING HIM

I don’t know but get a move on, girl, I need you to get your license too so you can become even more of a badass

she’s thinking that she needs to push aside all of her DO YOU LOVE HIM??? feelings

and that whenever she sees Deku acting like that and never giving up, she thinks it’s just so cool

well, good, because this is the provisional license exam arc, not the Can These Two Crazy Kids Really Make It After All arc. we’re barely a hundred chapters in; there’s still plenty of time for that shit later down the line

and thankfully the last page seems to be introducing some sort of twist, because things were getting a little too straightforward for a finale lol

is that Todoroki? I can’t tell what’s going on. I GUESS I’ll just have to keep reading, oh well

BONUS:

Chewbacca here is first mate on a ship that might suit us

whaaaaaaaat he’s the class rep?? okay then, I guess that was a sincere offer of friendship. this guy seems like a solid bro

apparently he can freely manipulate his hair and make it longer and such. “though it’s tough how often it tangles up on him.” that sounds troublesome

I like him. Nagamasa... I’ll try to remember that

#bnha #boku no hero academia #midoriya izuku #yoarashi inasa #todoroki shouto #uraraka ochako #moura nagamasa #makeste reads bnha #todoroki shouto: [walks up to a group of students who all have absolutely nothing in common]#[other than the fact that they all have the same hat]#todoroki shouto: 'hey you with the hat'#in the anime he's more specific #but oddly enough I think I prefer this version lmao

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adrianna-m-scovill · 5 years

Text

Soothing (Barson fic)

Barba gets poison ivy on a very sensitive part of his body and needs help applying the ointment. Pre-relationship Barson.

Rated Mature. 8900 words. On AO3.

“I’ve missed you so much,” Benson said, gathering Noah into a hug and kissing his curls. “Did you have fun?”

“Yeah,” Noah said as he drew back. He started pulling off his backpack. “But—”

Straightening, Benson finally got a good look at the man lurking in the doorway. “What the hell happened to you?” she exclaimed, and Noah looked back as he dropped his heavy pack to the floor.

“I don’t think Uncle Rafa had very much fun,” the boy finished.

Barba scowled at her. “I’m fine. It was fine. It was fun,” he said, and she might’ve laughed if not for the bandages and homemade finger-splint. His mutinous expression was daring her to laugh.

“Seriously, Barba, what—Come inside,” she said, moving forward and reaching for his arm. She saw him tense, and she stopped. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” he repeated.

“Sorry, Uncle Raf,” Noah said behind her, and Benson watched Barba’s gaze slide to the boy, watched as his expression gentled.

“I told you, Noah, it’s not your fault,” Barba said. “Don’t worry, alright? I’m just going to head home and…get cleaned up.”

“Okay. Thanks for taking me.”

“Anytime,” Barba said, smiling. Benson doubted that Noah could see the strain in the smile, but she could. Barba’s eyes returned to hers. “I have a car waiting,” he added.

“You’re welcome to bring your bag inside and stay for dinner. I’ll give you a ride later. Seriously, what happened to your hands?”

“Another time,” Barba said, backing into the hallway. “See you later, Noah.”

“Bye,” Noah said, dragging his backpack toward the living room.

Barba met Benson’s eyes for a moment. “Later, Liv,” he said, and then he was gone. She resisted the urge to follow him into the hallway, demanding an explanation, and instead pushed the door closed. She turned to look after her son.

“Noah, what did you and Uncle Rafa do last night?” She’d known that camping was far outside Barba’s comfort zone, which was why she’d been surprised by how easily he’d agreed when Noah asked him, rather than her, to accompany him. She knew that most of the other kids would be there with their fathers—and an uncle, a grandfather, and one older brother—so she couldn’t fault Noah for wanting to fit in even if she did bristle at the implied misogyny. She had been caught off guard when he’d asked Barba, though, and when Barba had quickly—almost eagerly, it had seemed—consented.

“All sorts of stuff!” Noah exclaimed, plopping himself onto the couch. “We put up a tent, and we played football, and we...made s’mores and hot dogs, and...um…” His forehead wrinkled as he tried to remember the events of the previous day and night. “We told scary stories and Uncle Raf’s was the best, Mom. We went fishing but I didn’t catch anything and that’s okay ‘cause I didn’t wanna hurt the fish. And hiking, and…”

“Sounds like you had a good time,” she said, settling onto the sofa beside him.

“It was so much fun!”

She couldn’t help but smile at his enthusiasm, but she was worried about Barba. “I’m so glad, honey. But...tell me what happened to Rafael.”

“Oh,” Noah said, his smile faltering. “Wellll...lots of stuff.”

She tried to temper her unease; she didn’t want to jump to conclusions and assume the worst, but part of her was already sorry she hadn’t forced Barba to stay and explain the bandages. “Start at the beginning.” She paused. “Did he break a finger?”

Noah shook his head. “Mr. Jim said it was just jammed. Uncle Raf couldn’t bend it and they had to pull on it and Mr. Riley made a joke about pulling on fingers but I didn’t get it and Uncle Rafa didn’t laugh either. But maybe that’s ‘cause I think it hurt pretty bad. It got real purple. Mr. Jim said he was impressed Uncle Raf didn’t say any bad words.”

“How did his finger get jammed?” she asked, her heart already going out to poor Barba. She didn’t want to tell Noah that, contrary to what Jim and Riley might believe, pulling on a jammed finger was not a responsible course of action. She could only hope they hadn’t caused further damage.

“Well, we were putting up our tent but Uncle Rafa didn’t know how, so he was reading the instructions. Some dads asked if he wanted help but he said no, we could figure it out. It was taking us a long time, though, so they started playing football. He asked if I wanted to go play but I said no, I wanted to help. I never knew how to put up a tent before, Mom! You gotta slide the stick things through—oh,” he said, realizing without prodding that he’d gotten off-topic. “Anyway we were reading and Mr. Riley yelled ‘heads up’ and threw the football to us but Uncle Rafa was afraid it was gonna hit me in the face so he tried to catch it with his wrong hand.” Noah grimaced and shook his head. “Big mistake,” he added, and she laughed in spite of herself.

“So...his fingers are splinted because of a football…?”

“Mommy, it hit real hard,” Noah insisted, miming slamming one hand into the fingertips of his other. “Mr. Riley said sorry he threw too hard. Uncle Raf said it was fine but it really wasn’t ‘cause he couldn’t bend his middle finger.”

“That must’ve hurt.” She hesitated, afraid to ask the next question: “Did they laugh at him?” She tried to keep her tone light so that Noah wouldn’t think it was too bad if they had.

He shook his head, though, curls bouncing. “Only when he said about skipping gym class when he was in school. He told me I’m not allowed to do that, though. But I like gym class!”

“I know,” she said, ruffling his hair and smiling. “So what happened next?”

“After they pulled his finger then Mr. Jim taped a bag of ice around it and we finished putting up our tent and then they asked me if I wanted to play football even though it would’ve been the wrong number but I didn’t want Uncle Rafa to feel bad so I said I didn’t want to play but he said he would if I did so we did but first he let Mr. Jim tape his two fingers together with a popsicle stick.”

“And you played football?” She wished she could’ve seen Barba running around with them. At least she knew he’d gone in jeans rather than a suit and tie.

“Uncle Raf got knocked down once even though it was s’posed to be touch football but he also got a touchdown ‘cause he can run real fast.”

“Can he?”

“Yup. He said the little guys had to be fast where he grew up. They laughed but...he’s not little anymore. Guess he just remembered how. And anyway we won.” He paused, thinking.

“How’d he get the bandages?” she prompted.

“Oh, yeah. We had to make pointy sticks to cook the hot dogs and marshmallows. But first we had to cut the little branches off. I found our sticks but they had a lot of branches. I broke some off but he wouldn’t let me use the knife ‘cause it was too big.”

She winced, imagining what was coming. “He cut himself?”

“He couldn’t hold the stick real well ‘cause his fingers was taped together. And then he slipped and the knife went whoosh,” he said, sliding his hand through the air and slamming it into his left palm. “He did say a bad word but I didn’t laugh because it was bleeding a lot. I didn’t like it. I got scared but he promised it wasn’t as bad as it looked. And Mr. Jim said it didn’t need stitches.”

Mr. Jim is not a fucking doctor, she thought, but she kept the words to herself. She might rethink future trips with him as a chaperone, even though Noah seemed—thankfully—fine. Barba appeared to have borne the brunt of the trauma.

“So they cleaned it up and put this gooey stuff on it and wrapped white stuff all around it ‘cause it was too big for a band-aid.”

“So...he only cut his left hand? Where his jammed finger is?”

“Yeahhh,” Noah said, and now she could see hesitance—and, she thought, guilt—in his face. She waited, giving him time to continue, but he didn’t.

“What happened to his other hand?”

“It was an accident.”

“It sounds like they were all accidents, honey. What happened?”

“I dropped Eddie,” he said quietly, looking at his lap.

She hesitated. “You dropped...I thought I told you to leave the elephant home.”

“Yeah.”

She suppressed a sigh. “Okay, it’s alright, but how did you dropping Eddie hurt Rafael’s hand?”

Noah wrinkled his nose and bent forward, dragging the backpack against his legs. He reached inside and pulled out the toy. His lower lip trembled as he looked at his favorite stuffed animal. One of Eddie’s back legs was black, charred, although there was a white bandage wrapped around the bottom of the burned appendage.

“I dropped him in the fire,” he said, and she could see the tears welling up in his eyes.

“Oh, honey, well it looks like someone fixed him up at least.”

“He got a bandage like Uncle Rafa’s,” he said, his face still on the verge of crumpling. She pulled him into a one-armed hug, kissing the top of his head.

“Uncle Rafa saved Eddie from the fire?” she guessed, wondering how badly Barba’s hand was burned. And if he should have a bandage over it. She supposed that was probably Jim’s doing, too.

“Yeah. His hand got real red. He kept it in ice water for a long time but he said it was fine. They asked if he needed a hospital but he said it wasn’t that bad. Like a sunburn,” he added, and she hoped that hadn’t just been to pacify the kids. “Then they put other gooey stuff on it and wrapped it up but he said it had to be loose to let air get in so when we went in the tent, he redid it himself. I helped a little because of his hurt finger.”

“That was nice of you. All of this happened yesterday?”

“Yeah. And then we ate hot dogs and lots and lots of s’mores—Uncle Raf ate more than me! And we told ghost stories, Mom. Oh no wait first we went fishing. And then after ghost stories we went to sleep, but first Uncle Rafa got poison ivy on his butt.”

“On his—what?”

“On his butt,” the boy giggled.

“No, I mean—how the—How did that happen?”

Noah screwed up his face in thought. “He went to the bathroom in the woods, Mom,” he said, as though the idea might not have occurred to her. “But it was real dark and I think he didn’t see it, and some little leaves got inside his underwear,” he continued, whispering the last word.

“How...uh…” She wasn’t sure what to ask next—or how. She didn’t want to be thinking about Barba’s ass—or crotch, for God’s sake—and it certainly wasn’t an appropriate topic to discuss with her son.

“We got in our pajamas but then as soon as we got in our sleeping bags he got up and turned on our lamp thingy and he told me to cover my eyes, so I did and then when he said it was okay to open my eyes, he was in his pajamas but I guess he took his underwear off and it took kinda a long time. And I knew it was poison ivy ‘cause Mr. George showed us what the leaves looked like but Uncle Rafa looked it up on his phone, too.”

“Did he touch the leaves with his hands?” she asked, feeling ill.

“Unh-uh, no, after he saw them he put a sock on his hand to hold them and then he put the sock and his underwear in a bag and he said he cleaned himself up before he put his pants back on ‘cause when we read about it on his phone it said that the leaves have oil and he said his sweats were okay because they didn’t touch the leaves and he washed up before he put them back on.” He shrugged as if to say he was willing to take Barba at his word.

“Did he say he had a rash or anything?”

“Nah he said he’d probably have a itchy butt in the morning,” he said, grinning. “I laughed ‘cause it was pretty funny. He thought so, too.”

I doubt it, she thought. He might’ve laughed but I doubt he thought it was very funny. “And did he?” she asked.

Noah looked confused.

“Did he have an itchy butt?” she asked, smiling to hide her concern.

Noah laughed. “Yeah. But he said he wasn’t gonna scratch. And he didn’t tell anyone else and I didn’t either ‘cause I didn’t want him to be embarrassed.” He looked down at Eddie and lost his smile. “Momma, when you talk to Uncle Raf will you tell him I’ll be more careful next time?”

“Honey, I know he doesn’t blame you for anything that happened.”

“But I just hope he’ll wanna go again.”

She let out a breath and ran her fingers through his hair. “You had fun with Uncle Rafael, huh?” she asked quietly.

“Yeah,” he answered glumly. “He’s real fun.”

“Yeah,” she agreed. “Honey, listen, I’ll tell you what. I’m gonna see if you can stay next door with Mrs. Cooper and Austin for a bit, okay? And I’ll go talk to Uncle Rafa and make sure he’s feeling okay.”

“Can I go, too?” he asked hopefully.

“Not right now, but I’ll make sure he knows that you had a good time with him. Wait here while I run next door.”

“Okay.”

“If you need fresh bandages for Eddie’s leg, you can get a box from the bathroom drawer.”

“Uncle Rafa said this one would be good for a real long time as long as I don’t get it wet or dirty.”

“Well, I guess he knows what he’s talking about,” she said, ruffling his hair. “Since he was the attending veterinarian,” she added, and Noah laughed, hugging the elephant carefully to his chest.

* * *

She passed a young man who appeared to be a delivery person leaving Barba’s apartment as she approached. He smiled and nodded, and she returned the gestures. She was worried, though—worried about Barba, and how much pain he might be experiencing. She hadn’t given him any warning that she was stopping over because she assumed he would tell her he was fine.

He looked less than thrilled when he opened the door. He might be annoyed to see her outside his apartment, but it was more than that; she could see the strain in his face, and it did nothing to ease her worries.

“Liv. What’s up?”

“I hear you had a rough night.”

He grimaced, shrugging a shoulder, and turned away from her. “Sorry if Noah was upset. Since you’re here, I assume you interrogated him?”

“I asked a few questions,” she said. He hadn’t exactly invited her inside, but he hadn’t asked her to leave, so she stepped into his apartment and closed the door. He was pacing. She looked toward the kitchen and saw an open bottle of liquor.

He caught the trajectory of her glance and offered a small smile. “Want a drink?”

“No. Thank you.” She also noticed that he’d taken the bandage off his right hand, and she could see the redness as he paced in front of her. He was still wearing the jeans and sweater he’d had on when he dropped off Noah, and his left hand was still wrapped and splinted.

“Is he alright?” he asked.

“Noah? He’s fine. He wanted to come check on you but I left him with the neighbor so I could check on you.”

He laughed. He lifted his hand to scratch at his jaw before wincing and dropping it back to his side. “This isn’t really a good time,” he said. “I’ve got a...situation.”

“Poison ivy?”

He sighed, casting her a sidelong look as he paced.

She looked at his hands. “You need some help putting lotion on?”

He answered with a humorless laugh. “Not going to happen.”

She watched him pace for a few more moments. “I can see how much discomfort you’re—”

“Where did he say I had it, exactly?”

“Your, uh...butt,” she said, trying not to let her embarrassment show. “I realize it’s not ideal, but I’m sure we can handle a little awkwardness to get you feeling better.”

“I think I’ve had about as much humiliation as I can handle for a while.”

“Barba, I think your ego is healthy enough to survive a few knocks. Besides, how bad could it be to have a friend help—”

“We don’t have that kind of friendship.”

She stared at him for a moment, trying to fit the puzzle pieces together: his agitation, his refusal to meet her eyes, his inability to stand still. “What does that…Where exactly do you have…” He cut his eyes toward her and quickly away. “Jesus, Rafael, you need to go to the hospital if it’s—if you’re—”

“Sure, I’ll take the subway.”

“I’ll drive—You can’t sit?” she realized, cursing herself for being so slow to understand just how bad his situation was. “How’d you get to my apartment—and here?”

He sighed. “I didn’t want Noah to know how bad it was but…it’s…worse. It’s definitely getting worse. And it’s definitely not just my ass.”

“Raf—”

“Look, I talked to a doctor friend of mine, alright? I have a prescription, a steroid cream, he had it delivered for me. I just, uh…” He held up his hands with a grimace.

“How…extensive…”

“Very.”

“I mean how, um…sensitive an area…” She chewed the inside of her lip for a moment. “How deep, or—or invasive—For crying out loud, are you really going to make me ask this any more directly?”

He stopped and turned to face her. His cheeks were dark but he held her stare. “Very,” he repeated.

“Okay, well…could we maybe, I don’t know, cover up…you know…” She gestured a hand toward his crotch, saw his jaw tighten, and cursed herself again.

“No.”

“No because you don’t want to, or no because it’s—”

“Both.”

She hesitated, raising a hand to rub her middle finger against her forehead.

“For Christ’s sake stop thinking about it,” he said.

“I can’t. You’re obviously in pain.”

“I’ll handle it. Just go home.”

“Handle it? How?”

“I’ll figure it out.”

“Squirt in the general direction?” she suggested.

He snorted, the ghost of a real smile curving his lips before he grimaced again and dropped his gaze to the floor. “I don’t…” He gave his head a little shake, and she could see the desperation peeking through his bravado. His throat worked as he struggled to swallow. He let out a slow breath and returned his gaze to hers. “Fuck, Liv,” he said softly, and for a few seconds all of his defenses were gone.

“Okay,” she said, stepping toward him automatically, unable to bear the torment in his eyes. “Maybe—maybe a baking soda bath? To take the edge off?” She looked at his hands. “Do you have rubber gloves, or plastic, to keep your hands dry?”

“Sure, yeah, that’s a good idea,” he said, and she could see him piecing together his armor with effort. “Thanks, I’ll do that.”

“Raf.”

“This is not your problem. Really, I’ll—”

“You can’t get the steroid stuff on your hands.”

“No. Gloves, like you said.” He offered an almost-convincing smile.

She held up two fingers. “I’m sure they’ll fit over the splint.”

“Look, no offense, Olivia, but I really, really need to get my fucking pants off and I think it’s best you leave before that happens.”

She almost laughed, but seeing the pain in his face tempered any amusement she felt. “Why are you still wearing them? It must be—”

“I had to wait for the prescription and then you showed up.”

She refused to take offense at his accusatory tone. “Fine, there must be someone else who can come help you put the damn cream on. The doctor friend? Your…I don’t know…mother?”

“My mother?” he asked, and she did laugh at the abject horror in his expression as he stared at her.

“Okay, okay,” she said, holding up a hand. “Listen. I’m sorry. I can’t stand to see you like this and it’s my fault, at least partly. You didn’t have to take Noah on that camping trip, even if he did ask you. I should’ve given you an out, told him I was going, I’m sure I wouldn’t have been the only mother there.”

“You would’ve.”

“Really? Well...still.”

“By no stretch of imagination is this your fault,” he said. “If a grown man can’t manage to cut a piece of wood or take a sh—go to the bathroom in the woods without help then I really think he deserves what he gets.”

“You’re being too hard on yourself.”

He raised his eyebrows and held his hands out to his sides. “Look at me,” he said. “One night, less than two days in the woods—I can’t take it anymore, Liv, seriously—”

“My son doesn’t have a scratch on him—”

“I’m taking my clothes off.”

“—and from what I can tell never wants to go anywhere without you again.”

“So help me God.”

“Rafael.”

“He’s too polite to say so, but I’m sure he’ll never want—I can’t discuss this right now,” he said, starting abruptly toward the bedroom.

“I can’t leave until I know you’re okay.”

“I don’t care what you do right now,” he said, pushing the door closed behind himself.

* * *

“Fuck. Fuck.” There was a long silence from the bedroom. “Are you still here?” he finally asked.

Benson was pacing the living room, listening to him mutter and curse. “Yes,” she answered. “What do you need?”

The silence stretched out on the other side of the door. Finally, barely audible: “Fuuuuck.”

“Let me help you. Don’t keep suffering just because you’re embarrassed.”

“This is not something you should...have to do,” he muttered; she could only hear him because she’d stopped in front of his door.

“I promise you, no one will ever know about this but us.”

The door opened and he stood before her in a bathrobe, held loosely closed by the thumb and middle two fingers of his burned right hand. He looked so miserable that she had to fight the urge to pull him into a comforting hug. “This is...the worst thing I’ve ever felt,” he admitted quietly. “I can’t get a glove over the splint, I can barely use my right hand because...it hurts, and I can’t see…” He released a heavy breath, his shoulders slumping in defeat.

“Okay,” she said, putting a light hand on his arm. “We’ll do this, Barba, it’s fine. Is it...front and back?” He stared at her. “The rash? Front and back?”

“Yes. Well. Uhh...back and...under...mostly,” he said.

She ignored the dark blooms of color on his cheeks. “Do you want to do this standing or lying down?”

He hesitated. “Standing?” he finally repeated. “How…”

“I thought you might feel, I don’t know, less vulnerable on your feet. If I…” She trailed off, realization dawning. “Yeah, no, I guess not,” she muttered as he shook his head. “Okay, let’s put a towel on the bed, you lay down, and we’ll get this over with.”

He swallowed and fidgeted with the front of his robe. “Alright, then you can...wait here and I’ll...let you know when I’m ready if that’s…”

“Of course. Whatever makes you more comfortable.”

He backed away and pushed the door almost closed, and Benson turned to resume pacing while she waited. She didn’t want him to think this was a big deal; it shouldn’t be a big deal, and she hated the nervous flutters in her stomach and the heat threatening to creep out of her shirt collar every time she thought about what was going to happen.

* * *

He was lying face down on his bed, on a towel, and he’d draped his bathrobe over himself from middle back to calves. His heart was slamming in his chest, and it wasn’t all from the pain and itchiness.

Those were bad, though; he hadn’t been exaggerating when he’d said this was the worst thing he’d felt. The pain was even secondary to the itch. Everything felt hot and swollen, itchy and achy and raw, and he was unable to see the most-seriously affected areas. He cursed his injured hands a hundred times over. All he wanted was to be able to glop cream on his hands and slather it all over between his legs and over his backside until the maddening itch was gone.

But he couldn’t. His hands, in addition to being somewhat incapacitated, hurt. He couldn’t even fist them in frustration.

“You can come in,” he said, in spite of the acid burning his gut. He shifted his hips a bit beneath the robe and barely suppressed a groan; the friction against the terrycloth made it worse, because the urge to scratch was overwhelming. His body wanted him to rut against the towel to relieve the itch, and he closed his eyes, clenching his jaw. “I’m sorry,” he said when he heard her approaching the bed.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” she said quietly. He heard her pick up the box of rubber gloves he’d set beside the steroid cream and it occurred to him that he should’ve tried harder—the maddening itch and ache were robbing him of his ability to think of anything else, stealing his finely-honed skill of compartmentalization.

“Maybe you can just help me get the gloves on,” he said, unable to keep the desperation from his voice. “At least on my right hand and I’ll just—just—”

“Cause yourself more pain in one place to relieve it in another,” she said quietly. “Barba, you don’t have to take care of everything by yourself. Relax. Focus on breathing.”

“Are you thinking this is why men would never survive childbirth?” he asked, and he heard her soft laughter. He wiggled on the towel and winced.

“I couldn’t say. I’ve never gone through childbirth.”

“Oh, right. I forgot. Liv, I can’t—”

“I’m going to lift the robe, okay?”

He swallowed with effort. “Okay.” He felt her fold the bathrobe up, felt the air caress his overheated skin. He stared at his right hand, tracing the edge of the redness with his eyes.

“Rafael, I’m so sorry, this must feel awful.”

“That bad, huh?” he muttered. His chin was tight against the bedspread.

“I’m going to touch you. I’m going to start high and work my way down.”

“Okay,” he repeated. His heart was still racing and his stomach churning but he’d lost all of his fight. He just wanted relief and it would be idiotic to stop her now. “We’re still going to be friends after this, right?” he asked. It was a pathetic attempt at a joke, he knew, but she laughed anyway.

“I’d say it would take worse than this to get rid of me but I imagine you’re not in the mood to think about worse scenarios.”

He smiled in spite of himself. “God forbid.” The cream felt cold against his skin and he tried to focus on that rather than thinking about what she might be seeing. He couldn’t remember ever feeling more vulnerable. He didn’t want anyone to see him like this, but especially her. He hated that she’d been put in this position, hated that he’d probably embarrassed Noah, hated that he couldn’t take care of himself.

But he trusted her. She wouldn’t laugh at his discomfort, or take advantage of his embarrassment. She was the last person he wanted to see him like this but the only person he would trust to do it. He didn’t want to think about what that might say about him or his potential for a happy future.

Even so, the thought—the recognition that this was Olivia, and he could be safer with no one else—actually managed to calm him, and he let out a slow breath against the comforter. She was swabbing gently at his skin. Each touch brought quick relief to that spot, but as she applied the cream to more and more areas of rash, it also served to localize—worsen—the discomfort between his legs in the areas she hadn’t yet reached.

He shifted involuntarily against the towel and hissed in a quick breath.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m going as quickly as I can but I don’t want to miss any. Rafa, most of these back here aren’t that bad, but it looks like it gets worse…”

“Yeah,” he agreed. He didn’t have to be able to see it; he could feel it.

“I’m going to touch lower. Inner thigh,” she said.

“Okay.” Her voice was almost as soothing as the ointment. “For the record, I’m...not a complete idiot,” he said after a few seconds of silence.

“I’m sorry? Why would I ever think that?”

“I mean I didn’t...I might not know much about camping or—or plants, or you know, wilderness stuff but I didn’t do this…”

“You didn’t grab a handful of poison ivy leaves to wipe your ass?” she said, and he laughed in surprise, immediately wincing at the friction. “I know. Noah said you got some leaves in your pants. Sounds like an understandable accident in the dark when your hands probably made things difficult to...navigate.”

He looked at his hands and didn’t answer.

“I need you to spread your legs.”

He closed his eyes but did as instructed.

“I’m going to get on the bed if that’s alright?”

“I guess it’s still better than you kneeling in front of me,” he mumbled, and to his relief she laughed. He’d been studiously avoiding that image in his mind—refusing to contemplate what could’ve made her think that would be a comfortable position for either of them.

“It didn’t occur to me until I...visualized,” she answered. He could hear the embarrassment in her voice, and also the smile. Both comforted him. The bed dipped as she crawled up between his knees. “I’m going to...uh…”

“I don’t need a play by play,” he said. Then, afraid the words sounded ruder than he’d intended, he added, “Thank you. I just—I trust you and just want this over with.”

“Alright, I…” She trailed off. He felt her fingers, gentle, soothing his itch and pain half an inch at a time. She was spreading him open, getting closer and closer to the heart of the matter; he almost laughed at the thought.

“What?” he asked. He couldn’t stand the awkward silence. Maybe if they pretended like they were having a normal conversation, they could gloss over the fact that she was mere inches from giving him a prostate exam.

“I don’t want you to be upset,” she finally said.

“Upset?” he repeated. “I think we’ve passed...You mean upset with you?” he realized.

“You asked if our friendship would survive this, and—”

“Jesus, Liv, because you shouldn’t have to do this. Not because...You’re doing what you always do. Helping. Taking care of people. I just hate having you see me like this.”

“I know this is awkward, but you shouldn’t feel embarrassed. There’s a blister here, this might hurt, okay?”

He braced himself. Her touch was gentle, the cream soothing. He let out a breath. “It’s not embarrassment,” he muttered, so quietly he wasn’t sure she would hear him. “I mean it is, obviously this is humiliating, but it’s more than just…” He stopped, afraid his emotional state would lead him to say something he shouldn’t.

“Is this about Noah?” she asked.

And you, he thought.

“You’re not going to give me some line of misogyny bull, are you?” she asked, startling him into a small laugh. “Because I expect better from you.”

“I’m not allowed to question my masculinity on occasion?” he asked. He was half-joking, but he was also treading dangerously close to the source of his wounded pride. And she knew; of course she did.

“No,” she answered. “Look, Barba, the day will come when I will embarrass Noah just by existing, and hell, maybe you will, too. But this is not that day. He doesn’t care if you can catch a football.”

“I can,” he muttered, scowling at his splinted finger. It was bruised, a little swollen, sore. Damning.

“I’m sure you can,” she said, and he smiled at her placating tone. “The point is, it doesn’t matter. What matters to him is that you were willing to spend time with him. He’s worried you won’t want to take him again because he wasn’t careful enough.”

“Shit,” he exhaled. “I’ll talk to him.”

“That’s my point,” she answered. “Perineum.”

“I—What?” A moment later he felt her gloved finger swipe over the sensitive spot, and he jerked reflexively, digging his toes into the bed. “Fuck.”

“Sorry.”

He laughed, a nervous sound that did nothing to cover his anxiousness. That touch had caused a decidedly unwelcome flush of heat that had nothing to do with his rash. “Thanks for the warning,” he managed, as her thumb—the touch light, barely-there—spread cream over the curve of one swollen testicle. His right hand was curved into a painful fist, and he straightened his fingers, wincing at the sharp sting as the movement pulled at his burned skin. He was going to have to get some more aloe cream on there, as soon as she was finished between his legs.

“I think you’re going to need to turn over,” she said after a moment, and he could hear the apology in her voice.

He didn’t answer. He wasn’t sure he could answer.

“I can’t see the rest,” she said. “Of the rash, I mean. And it would probably be worse if I just...rubbed my hand around blindly...under your crotch.”

He made a sound, unsure if it was a laugh or a groan. He knew she was trying her best to put him at ease, but he was both surprised and alarmed to learn that the pain and itch were not enough to counteract his body’s response to the gentle touch of her fingers.

“Unless you’d rather get on your hands and knees,” she said. A joke. He did his best to laugh, but it sounded choked. He heard her soft sigh. Felt her hand against his hip, an oddly comforting touch considering his state of undress. “Two minutes at the most,” she told him quietly. “Come on, honey, you can do this. You’ll feel better.”

He didn’t think she was aware of what she’d said; most likely, she’d slipped into mother-mode, thinking of him the same way she would her son. He couldn’t blame her. He’d acted nothing if not childish since her arrival.

He could feel everywhere she’d applied the ointment; the relief was substantial, and made the fiery itch on the remaining affected area even more obvious. He knew where she would be touching, what she would be seeing. It could be worse. He’d be able to keep something of himself covered, and she’d basically seen everything else already.

“Two minutes?” he heard himself say. “Not the most inspiring pillowtalk.”

She laughed. Luckily. “I can take as long as you want me to,” she returned, and he pressed his face into the bedspread, laughing. The fact that they could laugh about this at all was a testament to her. He felt her shift, moving one knee and then the other over his leg until she was kneeling beside him instead of between his thighs. She touched his hip again, this time where the bathrobe covered his skin. “I won’t look. My eyes are closed. Roll over, do what you need.”

He laughed again. “If you ever have reason to want to blackmail me, just give me your demands up front and I’ll be happy to pay, Lieutenant,” he said. He put his elbows on the bed and lifted his head, looking back over his shoulder. She was kneeling beside his thigh, her hands resting palms-up on her own thighs, her eyes closed.

“I know you better than that,” she said. “You’d never give in to blackmail, even if I had pictures.”

He smiled, taking a moment to study her while she couldn’t see him. He tried to imagine anyone else in his life offering to do this for him—and actually being able to convince him to allow it.

He tried to imagine a worse time to tell her he was in love with her. Probably two minutes from now, he thought, and he almost laughed again.

“Besides, you know I’d never have to blackmail you,” she added.

“Are you saying I’m a pushover?”

“Do you really want me to answer that?”

He chuckled, wincing as he carefully rolled away from her toward the edge of the bed. He tugged the bathrobe over his stomach as he shifted and settled onto his back. The towel was bunched beneath him and he didn’t have a pillow under his head, but it didn’t matter: all of his body’s pains and discomforts had overwhelmed his ability to sort them through.

“No, you’re right, all you have to do is ask,” he said quietly, watching her from beneath his eyelashes. “Or drop hints. Or look like you might ask.”

He watched her laugh before looking down at himself. He slid his right hand under the bathrobe, covering himself against his lower belly with his palm, but the heat was almost immediately unbearable for his hand. He glanced at her face. He’d seen her lose her temper in a heartbeat but here, now, for him, she had nothing but seemingly-infinite patience and compassion.

He used his left hand, instead. The bandage was soft against his flushed skin. He crooked his other arm over his eyes; he couldn’t watch her bending over his crotch. “Okay,” he said, and he heard a rustle as she moved. He felt her move back into position between his spread legs. He could feel the cool air under the edge of the robe, felt her slide it a bit higher so she could see what she was doing. He had no idea how well he had himself covered, and it didn’t matter. What difference did a few inches make, anyway?

“You have some blisters on your…”

“I can’t think of a single word that I want to hear you use to finish that sentence,” he said.

She laughed, but said, “This looks pretty bad, Raf.”

“I can’t imagine it’s a pretty view at the best of times,” he answered. He paused. “Just a small area, though? I can feel where...it seems to be the worst.”

“Yeah. A few blisters where it must’ve been warmest or...where the leaves were stuck…”

He almost choked on his laugh. “You know, I swear I had a dream exactly like this, once. Except you were a nun who regaled me with the dangers of teenage boys touching themselves inappropriately and I woke up with an overwhelming urge to go to confession.”

She rested a palm on his thigh as she laughed. He peeked beneath his arm, because she was never more beautiful than when she laughed. He quickly recovered his eyes when she reached a hand between his legs.

“I think that nun would give me more Hail Marys than you, for this,” she said.

“Oh, I don’t know, depends on whether or not she could read my—” He realized what he was saying and broke off abruptly. He cleared his throat.

She paused for a moment. “Probably even then,” she said quietly. Without giving him time to think of a response, she added, “I’m going to touch the worst part. It’s not going to feel great.”

He braced himself as best he could, cleared his throat again, and said, “Okay.”

She was right. It didn’t feel great. The pain wasn’t unbearable, but the itch beneath the touch of her fingers made him grit his teeth, tighten his arm over his eyes, and draw a slow breath through his nose. His splinted fingers were only an inch from where she was prodding, and the urge to push her hand aside and scratch was nearly consuming.

She was being careful, afraid of hurting him any more than necessary. As the cream began to soothe the itch and discomfort, he felt his muscles relaxing in relief. His hips were achy from being so tense, and he concentrated on settling his body more comfortably against the bed.

The relief didn’t last long, though. She brushed a finger along the crease between his balls—he knew this wasn’t a remotely sexual situation, he knew that he had no business responding, but he was helpless to stop his body’s reaction. He felt himself twitch beneath his hand and he pressed himself tighter against his body; he would crush himself against his own pelvic bone if he had to.

But she was still running her fingers over him, around him, under him, into the high recesses of his legs, gently poking and prodding and shifting aside hair and flesh as she searched for areas that needed attention—

He could hear the note of panic in his voice when he spoke. “I need you to stop being so...uh…”

“Thorough?” she suggested. “I’m sorry, but I need to make sure—”

“Gentle. I was going to say gentle. Jesus Christ. I can’t, um…”

“You want me to hurt you?” she asked.

“I can’t—I’m not—” He was growing hard under his hand. If she was observant—and he knew she was—he wouldn’t be able to hide it for long. He knew she wouldn’t blame him for his body’s response, something that she knew couldn’t always be controlled. But he knew he should be blamed, because it wasn’t just the touches that were affecting him. It was the knowledge that the fingers were hers. And he deserved to be damned for entertaining any sexual thoughts about her—at any time, but especially now when she had willingly put herself in a horribly awkward position to help him.

“Okay. I’m almost done. Move your fingers just a little bit, there’s one red streak partway up...Last one, I promise.”

He swallowed. “I...can’t…”

“Half an inch,” she said. “I can’t really see but I don’t think it goes any higher.”

He was afraid if he tried to speak, nothing would leave his throat but a strangled sound of distress. He also knew that if he waited, the situation was only going to get worse. He shifted his hand, praying she would finish as quickly as promised.

She brushed a finger along the very bottom of his shaft, and he managed to catch the groan in his chest.

“It’s a natural reaction,” she said quietly, trying to console him, and he knew that she was blushing. Without even seeing her face, he knew that it was as red as his. “I mean, between the relief, and the...the contact—”

“Stop talking. Please, for the love of God, stop talking.”

“I thought it might help—a reminder that it’s me, and not someone—”

“No. Nope. That does not help,” he said, and she fell silent. She applied more cream around his base and pulled her hand back.

“Sorry,” she said after a moment of awkward silence.

“I’m sorry,” he countered.

“I think I got it all,” she said. “Does it feel alright?”

“Much better,” he said. He couldn’t bring himself to lower his arm and look her in the face. “Thank you.”

“You should probably wear something loose. Light. Boxers—or even just the robe…” She trailed off.

“Okay.”

“Do you need help?”

“Help?”

“Getting something on?”

“No. Thanks.”

“Okay, I’ll wait in the other room.”

“The other room?”

“The living room.”

“Oh,” he answered. “Right.” He’d imagined she would want to make a quick escape. “You can, um...go if you want.”

He felt her shift backward and climb off the bed, heard her taking off her gloves and gathering up the supplies to set them on top of his dresser.

“I’ll be in the other room,” she said. A few seconds later, he heard the soft click of the bedroom door closing.

* * *

She glanced up when he stepped out of the bedroom. He’d slipped on clean shorts and had his bathrobe belted loosely, although he’d struggled a bit to tie the bow. She had just finished pouring two glasses of scotch, and he watched as she looked down to screw the lid back onto the bottle.

“I thought you might want a drink,” she said.

“I think I need a cigarette.”

She laughed, looking up at him, and the sight of her amusement eased some of the tension from his shoulders. He crossed toward her slowly, fighting the impulse to fidget. She held out a glass as he approached.

“Can you hold this?” she asked, and he nodded, carefully taking the scotch. The glass was smooth and cool against his burned skin. He watched her sip her own drink. She had to drive herself home, but she didn’t seem to be in a hurry to leave.

He gestured toward the living room. “Want to sit?”

She nodded, and he turned away, carrying his drink to the sofa. He sat carefully, wincing as the shorts bunched up, and adjusted himself as well as he could. She set her glass on the coffee table and he looked up at her.

“Can I use the bathroom?” she asked.

He raised his eyebrows. “I guess so, just leave a quarter on the tank.”

She smiled, and he turned his gaze into his glass to keep himself from watching her walk away. He was still staring into his glass, lost in thought, when she returned a couple of minutes later.

“Are you okay?” she asked, and he looked up, noting that her hands weren’t empty. She had antibacterial ointment, a roll of white gauze, paper tape, and aloe cream.

“I’ve been better.”

She sank onto the couch beside him. “You don’t have a fever, do you?”

He managed a smile. “I feel a little warm but I’m pretty sure it’s the heat of, you know, humiliation.”

She sighed. “Raf, I wish I could make this better for you,” she said.

“You did,” he answered. “You are.” When she lifted her gaze to his, he was helpless to look away.

“Are you going to argue if I ask to help with your hands?”

He shook his head. He let her take his scotch and set it beside hers on the table, and when she reached for his left hand, he held it out and turned his body slightly toward her to make it easier.

“I’m going to untape your fingers,” she said. She glanced up at his face. “For future reference, don’t let those guys pull on any part of your body that’s injured.”

He was surprised into a laugh, but he bit back the inappropriate joke that rose to his tongue.

Smiling as she returned her attention to his fingers, she said, “I heard that thought.”

He laughed again. “You always do. And anyway, I had some misgivings but I don’t use the middle finger of my left hand for all that much anyway.” He grinned as she snorted softly. She was carefully removing the tape from his fingers.

“So long as you refuse their attempts to help next time.”

“Next time?”

She glanced up, then back at his hand. “If you decide to go again.”

“I’ll always go if Noah wants me to,” he said, “but I should probably take a babysitter.”

“I hear you did a great job of looking after him. And Eddie.”

“I meant for me.”

Cradling his hand in her palm, she pressed her thumb gently between the second and third knuckles of his bruised middle finger. “Can you bend this?”

He did, carefully. It was stiff and sore, but not unbearably so. That was a good thing, because he was going to have to figure out how to apply another dose of cream by morning, if not sooner. Now that the edge had been taken off, his situation didn’t feel quite so desperate. He didn’t intend to let it get that bad again.

“I could go along, next time,” she said without looking up, watching as he bent and straightened his finger a few times to work out some of the stiffness.

“Instead of me?” He smiled. “Or to babysit me?”

“Protect you from the dangers of the woods. Knives, fires, poisonous plants.”

“Footballs,” they said in unison, and she glanced up again as they both laughed. He hesitated as she started unwrapping the bandage around his palm. “Some of those guys would love having you along.”

She smiled at his hand. “Yeah?”

“Well, all of them, but especially the unmarried ones.”

“Hmm,” she answered. “This doesn’t look as bad as I was afraid it would. It’s a little red. I’m just going to put some ointment on and wrap it back up but make sure you keep an eye on it.”

“Mmhm.”

“We could probably go without them,” she said. “I mean, there’s no reason we’d necessarily have to...wait for someone else…”

“Okay.” He hesitated. “What are we talking about?”

“Camping.”

“Okay. You...want to go camping...without the others?”

“We could. If you wanted.” She was wrapping clean gauze around his hand, covering his cut palm. “You could look after Noah, I could look after you.”

He laughed without much air behind the sound. His stomach was fluttering nervously. “Okay,” he repeated.

She glanced up. “If you want,” she said, shrugging a shoulder. “You can think about it.”

“Noah and I do know how to put up a tent, now.”

She smiled. “We can bring those metal roasting sticks for the hot dogs and marshmallows.”

“I’ll try not to impale myself on one.”

“And only Nerf balls.”

“That sounds reasonably safe, then. And only non-flammable stuffed animals.”

“Of course.” She taped the gauze down and released his left hand, reached for his right. She winced at the sight of the redness. “I told him not to take the elephant, anyway. That’s why he feels bad.”

“It’s not his fault.”

“Of course it wasn’t. Any more than any of this was your fault.” She squirted aloe cream into his palm. “When he was telling me about everything that happened, all I could think was thank God you were there with him. Doesn’t sound like the other dads were very trustworthy.”

Once again, he didn’t think she realized what she’d said. He watched her gently massaging the cream into his skin with her thumbs. He swallowed, gathering his courage. “It means a lot that you trust me to...take him places,” he finally said.

“There’s no one I trust more,” she answered. “And he loves you.”

“I love him, too,” he murmured, surprised by how emotional he was feeling.

“I know.”

“I…” love you, too. The words stuck in his throat, not because he didn’t want to say them—he did, but not like this.

She looked up and met his eyes. “I know,” she repeated with a small smile. “If you’re feeling up to it, maybe we can talk about it next weekend.”

“Sure. Over dinner?” He could reserve a nice table, put on a suit, buy some flowers and fancy wine, hopefully speak in complete and coherent sentences.

“Sounds nice,” she said, as she finished massaging the aloe between his fingers. He was disappointed when she released his hand. “I should get home. I’ll check in tomorrow morning to see how you’re feeling, but promise me you’ll call if you need help with anything—even if you need a ride to the hospital, anything—in the night?”

“Okay.” He watched her push to her feet and head toward the bathroom to wash her hands. When she returned, she started to gather up the supplies. “I’ll take care of that, it’s alright,” he said. “Do you want the rest of your drink?”

“I have to drive. Sorry, I didn’t mean to waste it.”

He smiled. “I’ll drink it,” he said. “I can probably use the help sleeping.”

She touched a hand to his hair and bent down, pressing a kiss to his head. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said as she straightened.

“Yeah.” When she started to turn, he blurted out her name: “Liv.”

She stopped, meeting his eyes.

“Thank you,” he said after a moment.

“Anytime,” she answered with a smile, and he felt his lips twitch in amusement. “Get some rest, Rafael. Don’t get up, I’ll let myself out.”

He watched her cross to the door. “Have a good night. Feel free to call if Noah needs to talk to me or anything.”

“I might just call to say goodnight,” she said, smiling back at him.

“I’ll call you,” he suggested.

Her smile widened. “Pushover,” she said.

He grinned in response.

#barson #rafael barba #olivia benson #svu fanfiction #embarassment #poison ivy #angst and fluff #ao3

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