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marblemoovt · 1 year

Text

His name is Jeff!! - Wade Wilson/Reader

Masterlist

Rating: General

Word Count: 1.8k

Warnings: Fluff. Pure fluff, baby.

Summary:

During a snowstorm, you bump into a strange man walking his pet… shark?

------ “Easy, boy!” A voice shouts from behind. You whip around and squint, trying to see through the whirlwind of snowflakes. The approaching crunches and thumps grow louder. Before you have time to react, a ball of gray and white knocks you onto your ass.

You groan, rubbing your sore tailbone. What just hit you? A dog? Your eyes catch a red leash on the ground. Following its trail, you meet fins and rows of sharp teeth. Definitely not a dog. It’s a… shark with legs?? And it’s wearing a harness? Maybe you died of hypothermia, now wandering in another plane of existence where sharks live on land.

Note:

I've been wanting to write a Deadpool fic and I also adore Jeff the Landshark. So here is a culmination of my love for the two.

Honestly, it was nice to just write something goofy and not feel pressured to try and fit a lot of story/plot.

Happy Reading! ( •̀ ω •́ )y

─── ⋆ ｡ﾟ☆: *. ☽ .* :☆ﾟ｡⋆ ───

Meat popsicle. You feel like a meat popsicle right now. It started snowing a few days ago and hasn’t stopped since. The cold air nips at your cheeks and nose. Frost crunches beneath your feet. What are you doing in this godforsaken weather?

Hot chocolate. You were craving a cup and decided to walk to the nearest cafe despite the snowfall warnings. The weather wasn’t too bad when you left your apartment. Now you can barely see two feet in front of you. White blurs your vision, and you wrap your scarf tighter.

“Easy, boy!” A voice shouts from behind. You whip around and squint, trying to see through the whirlwind of snowflakes. The approaching crunches and thumps grow louder. Before you have time to react, a ball of gray and white knocks you onto your ass.

“Aaaand Strike!!” A man in a red, skin-tight suit and a fluffy bathrobe appears in front of you. “Sorry! The little guy’s very rowdy” He holds a hand out to you, but your butt remains planted on the ground. You stare at him, then at the shark by his side—is that its tail wagging? Yeah, you’ve definitely died. Because what the fuck is this?

“Am I dead?” you ask, eyes wide.

The man cocks his head to the side and then laughs to himself. “Didn’t you check the warnings? There’s no major character death here. This is pure fluff, baby.” He boops your nose and calls you a “silly goose.”

You smack his hand away from your face. “What are you—“

He cuts you off. “Are you gonna get up? Aren’t you worried your ass will freeze and fuse to the ground?” He pauses and mutters, “Is that even possible? I guess that’s up to the author.” You don’t think he’s even talking to you anymore. This man is clearly on something—he has a pet shark for crying out loud! Or maybe you’re the one tripping? Can hypothermia cause hallucinations? The creature pads up to you and sniffs your boot.

Considering how superpowers exist, a walking shark seems like a plausible concept. But seeing it with your own eyes does not quell your disbelief. “Is that, um, is that a shark?” you ask, reaching a tentative hand for the creature to sniff. Smooth skin leans into your touch, and vibrations rumble under your palm. You laugh, staring in awe as the shark rubs its head against your hand.

“His name is Jeff!!” There’s a lilt in the man’s tone, and the lower half of his mask lifts. The corners of your lips curl up in response.

“Hi, Jeff?” You pet Jeff on the head. His purrs send a pleasant tingle through your fingertips. Is this even biologically possible? Your thoughts are interrupted when a slimy tongue lathers your palm. You scrunch your nose but thank Jeff. His tail drums against the frost-ridden concrete.

“He likes you already!”

There’s one question that’s burning on the tip of your tongue. You glance at the man and whisper, “Is it insensitive of me to ask why he has legs?”

Red hands clamp over Jeff’s ears. “Shhhh! Not so loud! He doesn’t know he’s not supposed to have ‘em.” You stutter out an apology and scramble off the ground. Laughter rings through the howling wind. “I’m just messin’ with ya. Jeff and I are two peas in a pod; he was someone’s science project.”

You sigh, the tension melting from your shoulders.. “What about you? Who are you?” You know the shark’s name but not his. Come to think of it, you haven’t introduced yourself either. Although giving your name to a strangely dressed man is probably not a good idea.

“I’m Deadpool!” He points at himself. The eye area of his mask crinkles, and you roll your bottom lip over your teeth. You try to figure out if it’s some sort of stage name and if it correlates to his suit. Although you were under the impression that strippers wore less, not more.

Pursing your lips, you shake your head. “Never heard of it.”

He gasps, “Not it, him, me. I’m a highly coveted mercenary.” You can't decipher between pride and delusion in his tone. Most mercenaries you’ve seen on the news don’t sport fluffy bathrobes and fuzzy slippers. Or maybe it’s a tactic meant to disarm unsuspecting targets? Slippers do also make lethal weapons.

You raise a brow. “Ok, Mr. Desirable. What are you doing in the middle of a snowstorm dressed like that?” You glance down at the cute bunny slippers on his feet.

“Don’t you have eyes? Although if you didn’t, you wouldn’t be reading this.” He rubs his chin. “Maybe you use text-to-speech like Al,” he mutters. Sweeping his arms in a grand gesture, he directs your attention to Jeff chewing on an icicle. “I’m walking my shark!” Jeff pauses momentarily, glancing up at the two of you before resuming his gnawing. The ice clinks against his teeth and crackles when pieces crumble off.

A gust of wind ruffles your hair, and its freezing hands claw at your face. “You’re not cold?” you ask, shaking from the breeze. His suit doesn’t look very thick, and the bathrobe—there’s no way it’s providing him with any warmth—must be soaked by now. You don’t even want to imagine what walking in his slippers feels like.

“Nope, not unless you’re offering to warm me up. In that case, the rating would have to bump up a couple levels.”

You bark out a laugh, confused by the second half of his response. “Don’t I have to take you out to dinner first?”

He chuckles, and the warm timbre is a campfire in this blizzard. Suddenly the wind doesn’t sting as much as it did before. “Funny! I sure know how to pick ‘em.” You can't see, but you can hear the affection in his tone. It’s almost drowned out by the thumping of your heart. “And what are you doing in a snowstorm, beautiful stranger—who I definitely have never seen before?”

You hum, but no matter how much you prod your brain, you don’t recall seeing him before. His outfit—fluffy attire excluded—is hard to miss. “Looking for the cafe,” you answer.

He claps his hands, his body trembling with excitement. “Oooh, I could go for a peppermint mocha. Jeff loves eating whipped cream.” At the mention of whipped cream, the ground thuds with small tremors.

You glance at Jeff. “I don’t think sharks are supposed to ea—”

“I’m inviting myself on your perilous journey,” Deadpool butts in. His chest puffs up, and he squares his shoulders. The wind’s perfect timing billows his bathrobe behind him like a cape.

You cross your arms, an amused smile tugging at your lips.“Who said it was perilous?”

“Because you’ve been wandering in circles for the last 20 minutes. The cafe is right there.” He points to his right, and the faint light of the cafe sign winks at you. How did you not see that earlier?? It’s like something was preventing you from noticing it.

“The snow makes it hard to see,” you huff. Heat prickles your neck, and you crouch down to pet Jeff again.

Deadpool stares at you, his gaze searing into the crown of your head. “Can I buy you a drink?” he asks.

You keep your eyes on Jeff. His large eyes look up at you, the remains of an icicle dangling between his teeth. You stroke his head, and the familiar rumble soothes you. Taking a deep breath, you look up at Deadpool. His gaze sends your stomach fluttering. Something about this man makes you want to know him better. You answer his question with another question. “Why? So you can warm me up later?”

He shuffles his feet and asks, “Is it working?”

You bite your lip, but a grin spreads across your face. “Why the hell not.”

Deadpool bounces on the balls of his feet, pumping a fist into the air. “Yes!” There’s a short intermission where he freestyles some dance moves. Jeff joins in with some stomps and spins of his own. The entire performance leaves you in tears, your chest aching with laughter and not the bitter chill of winter.

He holds his hand out to you. And this time, you accept it.

Bonus Scene:

Wade exits the cafe, carrying Jeff in his arms. “Jeff, buddy, you deserve an award for the ultimate wingman.” Today went even better than he expected! He’s seen you before but never gathered the courage to talk to you. You lived a relatively ordinary life, and well, he didn’t.

So when he was taking Jeff out on his daily adventure and saw you standing in the middle of the snowstorm…. He thought you looked stunning. Your cheeks and nose were tinged red, but the snowflakes sprinkled throughout your hair glimmered like tiny gems. For a moment, he didn’t dare breathe—terrified to ruin the beautifully crafted picture in front of him. So when his grip slackened, and Jeff bounded towards you, he panicked— a lot.

But you didn’t find him irritating at all. You even made jokes! How did he get so lucky? He can’t wait to—

“Mrrr!” Jeff kicks his limbs to grab Wade’s attention, his tail whipping his forearm.

“Yeah, yeah. I know the deal. I got two pounds of ribeye waiting at home.” His fingers skim Jeff’s underbelly, and the shark lets out a wheeze. His lips spread into a smug grin. “I knew single fathers are irresistible.” He’s already getting ahead of himself, fantasizing about how you would be a great shark parent. And while you can’t adopt a land shark at shelters, maybe you can adopt a cat instead! Jeff needs a buddy for when he goes out for a job.

Wade continues skipping to his apartment, giggling to himself. He replays today over and over inside his head.

“Mrr?”Jeff tilts his head, tongue lolling out of his mouth.

“Of course I’m happy. I learned their name and got their phone number.” He shifts Jeff in his arms and fingers the napkin in his pocket.

“Mrrr.”

“I gotta double the steaks?” Wade gasps, holding Jeff up to meet his eyes. “You’re squeezin’ me dry here, buddy.” Jeff flicks his tongue and leaves a slimy trail across his mask. “Awww, fine. But only cause you helped me score a hot date for tomorrow.”

─── ⋆ ｡ﾟ☆: *. ☽ .* :☆ﾟ｡⋆ ───

End Note:

I'll see you guys at my next hyperfixation! (。・∀・)ノ

Reblogs are appreciated!

#deadpool x reader #wade wilson x reader #marvel x reader #deadpool #wade wilson #fluff #first meeting #Jeff is the ultimate wingman #He already told you there's no major character death #Why are you checking the tags #Brb repairing the fourth wall rn #gender neutral reader #no y/n

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emry-stars-art · 4 months

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sorry to bother you, but….

if statled jelly!niel stings, does sleeping jelly!niel sting? Because it seems to be a conscious effort for niel to not sting? Or did I misunderstand this?

what are the scientific implications of sleepy jelly cuddles?

Great question! Thank you for letting me put on my more beach-appropriate baseball cap and do more mer research hehe

So I asked the shark and he told me to mind my business I think.

Unfortunately for him, the manta ray will spill just about anything in exchange for pretty human stuff and I am great at taking notes.

Basically? It seems to me like it’s expected touch vs unexpected, combined with the jelly’s maturing self-awareness. When it’s younger, a jelly mer will start getting control of its sting by ‘turning it off’ consciously. As they get older, it can become closer to “will not sting unless actively startled or for good reason” as the jelly chooses! Think of the sting response like a knee-jerk, throwing-elbows response. Anything less startling isn't worth the effort. Or in jellyneil's case, maybe more of a nervous person's flinch response.

So at this age when jellyneil is awake, it generally won’t sting unless really startled - unfortunately for most mers, the poor thing is a little jumpy and most unexpected touches are startling 🥲

When jellyneil is asleep, there’s more of a “base state” idea happening - however it goes to sleep is how it’ll peacefully stay. So if it falls sleep with someone else touching it, no stings! If it falls sleep in traditional jelly fashion (wedged between rocks or otherwise anchored down) the tentacles and stingers are instinctively in defense mode and I cannot advise getting too close.

If it gets startled awake though? I can only assume it would sting then as well but I can't tell you for sure because the whale and the one shark twin are usually very good about not letting that happen.

There’s some point to be made here about the fact that the stinging is only ‘turned off’ while cuddling/sleeping on other mers - clearly, brushing up against rocks doesn’t desensitize the stingers to other outside stimuli. In open water, the sleeping jelly knows to fend for itself. The presence of another mer seems to be instinctively calming.

But I am not here to wax poetic about it, that’s your job, I just provide the research 🤲

Find the mer au masterpost here 💕

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