#Why am I giving them a bad time all the time? Idk

[yuri-is-online]

I kinda wanna hear more about Azul! Yutu if you are willing

Very. He is long overdue for a proper post. I'm going to skip over some of the stuff that happens while he is in the bad future as I am a big fan of what Archivist has been writing, and would encourage you to look at their posts (here, here, and here) They've been a huge inspiration for this ayuu and finally gave Yutu some friends! I am really really attached to them and their dynamics with the various Yutus and might have written some stuff where they hang out but didn't post it because idk if you folks would be interested...

notes: they/them used for Yuu, for context on the fyuuture kid au can be found here and here. You can find even more stuff for it on my masterlist under the series section.

Yuu started removing mirrors from the house when he was around nine. They did so slowly, and Yutu had been avoiding them for so long he barely notices when their gone. It's not like he was born hating himself, he remembers playing with Yuu in the garden hose or the bath tub and feeling... happy. But that was when he was a little kid, he's almost double digits now he shouldn't be feeling sick to his stomach about this. It feels hard to walk some days, like his balance is wrong and his body is made of the incorrect material. It isn't normal for a kid this young to hate his own bones because it is the bones isn't it? They're hard until their not hard enough and he's stuck in a cast for the summer. Yutu tries to be grateful it's on his arm and not his leg, but it doesn't keep his mind off of things. He feels unwhole every time he tries to walk, and he has no words to express what's missing other than to say he feels unsafe. And it's hard to say that when he knows there's no solution you can give him for what he's feeling. If you could cut off your own limbs to make him whole you would, but then that would leave him just as alone wouldn't it? The last cost Yutu wants to pay to fix himself is the life of parent who loves him.

But that's what the price ends up being. And as he lays there trying to scream only to be rejected by the air he'd spent so much time wasting as his body churns on the floor into the form he'd spent so much time dreaming of he has to wonder why he ever thought the outcome would be different. He should have known that he was never meant to be anything other than alone.

Yutu was a chunky baby, and for the first bit of his life no one minded that at all. He was so cute, Yuu had a bunch of pictures of their precious baby boy and even though there were questions about how he came to be those were sort of shoved to the side in favor of cooing over his cute nose and chubby cheeks. But the cooing turned to concern when he started having some problems reaching his developmental milestones; it took forever for him to learn how to walk, even when Yuu helped guide him through the motions it somehow just didn't seem to stick. Talking was difficult, he'd learned how easily enough but he just preferred not to, wanting to communicate through noises and looks instead. Yuu would try to calm their worries and focus on how he at least slept through the night, but they never did get a solid opinion on why Yutu was so slow to learn from any doctor they saw.

His slow development cause Yuu to really focus on going over his lessons with him at home, it fosters a love of learning in him that evolves as he grows. At first it's very innocent, his eyes are wide with childlike wonder at the world around him and his smile is as bright as his eyes. "Unfortunately" (because it's not truly unfortunate that his parent can still afford to feed him) he's still a chubby little boy, and one who is missing a parent so he's an easy target for his peers to isolate and tear into. He feels like a beached whale, or a dried up octopus, his self esteem is severely hurt as is his outlook on the world. Yuu feels like they are seeing a familiar sight when their child hiccups through recounting his day as they desperately try to hold back their anger and think of a way to deal with this logically.

"Your daddy went through this too." Yutu blows into the tissue you hold for him and tries to hide his surprise. He's always eager to learn about his father, you wish you could think of more to tell him but the words you're saying don't fully feel like you are thinking as you say them. It's like you are briefly being possessed by someone else, just that the "someone else" is... yourself from when you were whole. "He was really hurt by it, and he was one of the strongest people I knew. So it's ok if you need to cry about how you feel."

"I dooon't want to feel." He pushes his face up against your chest like he's a baby again trying to soothe his nightmare against yoru heartbeat and you squeeze him as tight as you can. "I want it to stop, can daddy tell me how to make it stop?" Your mind screams that however daddy handled it must have been bad, it turns to look at someone, you can just see the outline of him. He's handsome, well put together and he's... worried.

"I don't want them to be scared of everything; suspicious,̸̮͉͓͔͎̭̜̦̽̄̆̇̿̈́̍̉̽͌̍̕ͅͅ ̶̰̙͔̝͕̞͍̭͙͕̇͆͌̋̿̌͐̂̿͘̚͝y̷̨̪̳̳͉̮͚̅͗͗̽̔̂͐͌̽͠ę̶̩̣̤͚͎͔̯̖̭͐̃̏̓͐̾͐̓̎̇̅̊͐̕s̸͚̖͙̗̣̩̼͎̼͇̝͂̿̉̌͛̈͜ ̴͔̟̤̩̗̯̦̀͐̄̽̊͛͑͋͊͒̓̕͝b̵̧̧̡̰̪̫̤͔͚͕̝̠̹͈́̀̈́͌̄͋̔̿́̕͘ǘ̵̢̼͖̪̱͖̼̼͎̲͈͙͆̀̎͌̍̎̂͐͗̇͌̎̊̚ț̶̛͖̹͚̾̆̂͑̌̊̕ͅ ̴̢̛͇͙̱͇̝̺͇̗̫̘̥͛̀͊̅n̸̢̥͕͗̓e̴͙̹̹̘̮̫̦͐v̶̡̡̧̡̛͓̮̝̺̮̜̳̠̜̅͊̒̄̔͂̋͋͋̊̔̈́͆͘ë̷̟̳̲̰̗͉̬̘̘̣̳̼͙́̑͜ŗ̸̳̹̺͔̦͔̮̖̔͆̊̈́͆̈̔̊͠ ̶̧̢̩̺̗̗̲̠̬̰͇̣̦̈́͑͜͜p̶̱̗͔͔͌a̴̰͓̎͂̅̓̈̎͝r̶̯̰̪̟̾̾̓̂̈́͆̈̀̒̓̕͠ ̴͇̖͉̯̖̞͍͐́͊͛̐̂̐á̵̢͎̙͎́͝ ̸̨̙̞̙̩̮̺̦̻̗̭̩͉̱̠̐̓̿͘ń̷̡̡̡̧̨̪̜͕̠͐̄̉̐͝͠ő̸̥̹̣̙͛̏̏̃̋̍͝͠ḯ̶̢̛͍͔̯̤͊̈́̉̑̂̈̐͊̚̕ḋ̸̦̘̮͍͙̜͈̙͉͖̭͚̊͌͗̊̊̈̾̄͌ͅ ̵̛̛̠̫͙͎̘̣̘͕͗̒̈͒̓̅͊̔͘͝"

Yutu's silence brings you back to reality, he's mercifully fallen asleep against you and missed the aftershocks of your migraine. It's nothing new, but somehow this little scenario makes you feel that much more tired, and that much more alone.

I've mentioned it before but Yuu decides to enroll Yutu into martial arts classes as a way to help with his self confidence and the bullying. In my mind the end up doing it out of a worry that the bullying could get physical, and in the hopes that maybe Yutu will make friends with the kids in his class. It sort of works, Yuu enrolls them in a parent-child class and they certainly make some connections. Yutu finds some inner peace from the class, but his experiences at school make him very shy and keep him from truly opening up to the people around him. The friend groups he finds his way into never seem to fully accept him, a lot of it comes down to petty rivalries over sport and school. Yutu is smart sure, but he knows that no amount of talent makes up for hard work and he's a very hard worker. He's too proud to do something like throw a match or fail a test just for a little social acceptance, and not afraid to say as much.

That's not to say he doesn't want to be accepted, he does. He really deeply does he just doesn't think he could live if that acceptance was fake. Part of that, not that he ever tells Yuu this, is fueled by their descriptions of his father and of how much they loved him. If his dad was in the same position and found you then one day, he hopes, he'll find someone who accepts him too. And he'll make sure to stay alive and do all the little things with them they have ever wanted to do, no matter how out of his comfort zone or weird he finds them to be. Azul! Yutu is a bit of a hopeless romantic underneath his jock appearance, so he's one of the yutus that assumes his dad died in a tragic accident that left your memories in shambles. He's willing to fight people on that point, but Yuu made him promise not to and while he's fussy about listening to other people, he always listens to Yuu.

Which makes the trip between worlds that much harder on him. He might have been alone, but he wasn't exactly lonely. Not when he had a home to come back to and a parent who loved him, he could handle waiting for people who would accept him when he already had someone who did but now... It doesn't help that from his perspective he immediately does something stupid by getting put in Savanaclaw. Crewel already told him his dad was the dormleader of Octavinelle, that he was an exemplary student but not very... athletic so why would he be any different than anyone else. This isn't helped by the reception he gets from his dormmates. Yutu never starts fights, but he sure as hell finishes them and the amount of people left on the floor by the end of his first week makes everyone aware of that.

It earns him respect, and it would have immediately made him his first friend if he had been willing to take Sav at his word when he asked him to show him how he fought so well. Instead he insists on acting like Saitama and making the guy "prove" himself, something that Crewel watches from the sidelines with a weary expression. So his grandson wasn't lying, he really does take more after his dad than you.

He does not so much make other friends as they do make him theirs... two Heartslabyul students and an overly enthusiastic gamer from Ignihyde who sticks to him like a wet cloth and he hates the realization that he's worried about these guys. Sav, Thrush, Fiore, and... Mori. He loves these people. He hopes they never die, but everywhere he looks he sees omens. It hurts, he never knew he had three hearts or that he could fill them up with so much love that it wants to bleed out of him but he refuses to let it. He's learned that he's stronger than he ever thought possible, he'll squeeze a good outcome out of this, for you and for them it never had to be one or the other.

Traveling back in time and being separated from his friends terrifies him. Sav is always refusing to use his brain, what if he got lost because he decided not to read a sign somewhere? Fiore is a little shit and Thrush can't be assed to keep his brother in line what if they get thrown in jail and Yutu has to actively stop himself from thinking about Mori. The muscles in his chest go taut and he forgets to breathe until little black dots prick at his vision from all the ways things could go wrong for the self proclaimed "white mage of the FC party." The guy is just too much of a flight risk... he needs to fix this fast.

But does he? Having you alive again is like a dream, sure you're younger now and don't know him from a hole in the ground but he gets to see all of the memories he was so curious about. He's especially happy to have met Ace and Deuce, they remind him of his own Heartslabyul friends. His world feels a bit more full when he sits to eat a meal with you, guys who he guesses he'll probably end up calling Uncles at some point, and Grim. He's got mixed feelings about Grim, but the little guy really seems to like him now and it's funny to think about whether or not he's the older or younger brother. He's starting to remember what it's like to have a family again, speaking of which...

"Aww looks like you're a real dorm leader now ain't ya shrimpy?" Floyd's voice sounds fun, and it's all Yutu can do to keep from smiling. He instantly understands why Jade must have missed him so much, they looks alike but the difference in tempo is apparent from their stance and dress, and just looking at the younger version of his Uncle he can see how much more alive he feels.

"Pleased to make your acquaintance, Yutu was it?" Jade's smile suggests danger, he thinks the name is funny that's his guess. The glint in his eyes suggests he wants to tease, and Yutu prepares to make some comments of his own before he notices that his Uncle's attention is not on him but rather- "Floyd told us about your unexpected arrival," he has been avoiding this for so long he almost didn't see the familiar stranger next to Jade, the rest of his words are heard but not noted as he looks directly at his father for the first time. What a painful realization that is.

"Hey hey grouper, you ok?" Floyd's tone very much does not suggest worry but it brings him back to the present. Or would it be the past?

"Grouper? Might regret calling me that pool noodle. Yeah I'm fine, just surprised you came over here yourselves. I thought I was doing good keeping my nose where it belongs." Yutu swears Azul looks genuinely hurt for a second, but it disappears under his glasses and his patented grin.

"Well you certainty don't pull any punches do you?" If Yutu didn't know any better he'd assume his dad was... excited.

He is, he's very excited. Yuu is a kind hearted person and Azul loves them for it, but Yutu has some of that hater energy he knows he can work with. A second set of eyes on Yuu's world is just what Azul needs to win their ha- expand his business, so he keeps finding ways to talk to Yutu. He ends up learning a decent bit about him despite Yutu's best efforts: he's lying about his unique magic to catch people off guard when he uses it, he's not a muscle head nor does he take particular pride in his physique despite the intense amount of effort he puts into staying strong. It's interesting to watch the sort of things he likes to eat... sure a lot of it is healthy food but none of it is health food. That ends up being the first real conversation they have and it throws Yutu for a bit of a loop. It reminds him of that conversation he had with Yuu all those years ago when he was crying about being bullied. About how his dad gone through the same thing he did and suddenly his dad seems a bit more like a person and less like a shadow that's haunting him.

The way his dad looks at Yuu is breathtakingly soft. Azul is ambitious, talented, hardworking, and oh so desperate to impress that Yutu finds it hard to hear their doubts about the way he feels because he can see all of the signs clear as day about how Azul feels about Yuu. Uncle Jade's stories about how Azul was silly in his affections, the little ways he got excited when Yuu complimented him or how much of a show off he insisted on being around them are happening right in front of him and while he wonders about that little thing he always tried to avoid. The "could have been." Would his dad have agreed with Yuu's decision to enroll him in martial arts? Or would Azul have put him in a different school, would that even have been nessecary or would people be too afraid to make fun of his son? That promise Jade said Azul made to Yuu about never having to go hungry again... would he have kept it? Yutu never starved but he knows his parent did, what would Azul say if he knew? Would it break him? Would he even care?

These thoughts take a toll on Yutu. He can't keep pretending he isn't worried about his friends when he is trying to avoid thinking about his parent's relationship, and vise versa so he puts more effort into finding them. Thrush and Fiore are the easiest, they made their way to Craneport and established a base pretty quickly and are surprisingly not complete shits about him taking his sweet ass time to find them. Sav is though, the Scalding Sands is a long way away and getting him to Sage's Island proves to be tedious and expensive, of course he's going to complain and pick a fight when Yutu shows up again. He hates to admit it but it feels good to have his sparring partner back, it perks up his mood a tiny bit. But time beings to drag on with no signs of Mori, Yutu is getting more restless in his worries and clumsier in hiding where he's going. Sure he knows how to shake off a tailing eel, but an octopus? The only one he's ever known is himself.

Azul learns from his various contacts that Yutu has friends. He keeps his appearance under the hood, but his friend group is close and clearly working towards some sort of goal. None of the names he gets show up in any systems he has access to, Jade does his best to find a shred of evidence that these are people who exist and can't. It worries all three of the octotrio, this is a problem they need to get to the bottom of and fast. But before that can happen another one of those portals opens, this time outside Ramshackle Dorm while Azul is trying to spend some precious alone time with you. And the thing that comes out of it is terrifying.

The blot phantom is unlike anything Azul has ever seen, not in a textbook or in person. It's a misshapen mass of a person, clothing real but foul smelling and stained with ink.

"Use my phone to call the twins and get out of here as fast as you can." Azul doesn't like his chances alone, but he likes yours even less. You don't run, it brings just a bit of a smile to his face, but you still call Jade as Azul weaves ice around it's legs to try and keep it down. The monster howls squirming against the ice and screaming at him like he should understand what it's talking about. Azul tries to stare it down, tries to appear like he's a mage that belongs on the front lines and not a support. The best support but still, he's slow. Too slow to dodge the vine that whips out of the creature's back and speeds towards his heart but fast enough to catch the scream that tears from Yutu's throat.

"STAY AWAY FROM MY DAD YOU FUCKING PIECE OF TRASH!" Eight cosmic tentacles rip out of the ground and tear into the monster, Yutu's chest is heaving with the strain of bringing his full strength to bear as Azul pauses to collect himself. As Yutu finishes off the monster he goes over what he knows, looks at the boy in front of him and traces parts of himself in him and forgets his previous plans to expose him to Yuu as a fraud. When his child looks back at him, disguise knocked off and fear clear on his face the reason for the previous distance Yutu has been trying to maintain suddenly makes sense. Before Azul overblotted he was quiet. There's a similar quiet over him now, a similar look of tense surprise, but Yutu- no- his child doesn't know that. His child is looking at him in fear, in worry for his reaction or his safety he doesn't know but he knows the way those tears start to form. Azul knows the quiver of the lip and the shriek, of all the things he could have passed on to such a treasure.

"You deserved better from me." Because it's true. He might think of himself as a work in progress but he still thinks he has quality; he would have done research, read every book he could get his hands on, taken classes, anything he would need to do to be a good father, a worthy partner. Anything. "You deserved to have the world within your grasp, not whatever shadow of a future and a father I left you with. I am so sorry." He does not expect Yutu to grab him and hold him like he's still somehow worthy of his love, but Azul can't fight the urge to grab back, to stroke his son's hair and let the tears fall on his suit without any care at all. I'm here. It's ok, daddy's here, daddy's got you, he won't let anything happen to you.

Azul likes to make plans. He planned how he would confess to Yuu (it did not go as planned but he still planned it) and he has clear ideas about the future he wants to have with them. Yutu was already a part of it, he's dreamed of having somewhere safe and full of love to come home to since he realized what his feelings for Yuu were. So to see that dream come to life, to have it crying in his arms about how someone else corrupted it into a nightmare and stole what he'd worked so hard to earn- Oh Azul is a petty and vindictive little bitch once he has gotten his own tears out of his system. He's extremely proud of all the work Yutu has already done towards ending the bad future, and while he is disappointed that he didn't think to ask for his help he is understanding. If he was in Yutu's position he doesn't know how he'd react, but he could see himself making similar choices.

He insists on having a family dinner so he can get to know all of the real things about Yutu from him instead of just observing them. He wants the three (and a half since Grim's there too) of you to cook together and just talk before getting down to the sad business that's brought Yutu here. Some of it's instinct to feed his child, but mostly he wants to prove to his son that he's worthy of being his father. That you chose him out of everyone for a reason, something Yutu sort of knows already but he's wanted to have his father in his life for so long that he plays up his nerves just a little bit so he can be spoiled by him.

Azul's reach is long, and combined with the twins finding where Mori is should be much easier. What worries Azul is the bad future and the little information Yutu tells him about how it started. He's never had any real reason to doubt what he knows about overblots, or to distrust the Headmage, or to think Grim could kill him. But if the world ends the economy does too, and he is not about to die before he's achieved everything he's been dreaming of. His ambition is almost scary, but Yutu can't bring himself to be afraid. This version of his father is the nicest one he's seen yet, and if it means anything to anyone, he'd like to keep him just as much as Azul wants him too.

#<3 asks #twisted wonderland x reader #twst x reader #future kid au #azul ashengrotto x reader #azul ashengrotto x yuu #idk if i like this post :/ #bleh as i told archivist i accidentally got attached to doomed yaoi w mori and azul! yutu to the point the only way i could convince yutu #to let me finish the last half of this post was putting on the fucking our life soundtrack #otherwise i was stuck drawing a blank #what a little jerk >:c

[accirax]

initial thoughts on DCAS episode 11

oh my god

i had already guessed that Alec was lying (much like Jake did), but this was a really nice explanatory touch! Alec and Riya's friendship is, as usual, one of the season highlights for me.

would've been a lot more interesting if the campers could have chosen their own partners in one way or another, imo, but that would definitely eat up a lot of time in an already packed episode. plus, some pairings (like Connor and Riya) probably couldn't have happened this way, given how Riya wound up reacting to Connor.

"alright Fiore, here's how we prevent you from going home this week," one could say.

i was SO worried that Alec was going to have another confessional at some point being like "lol i was testing my acting skills on Fiore too" but he DIDN'T. which means this is CANON. THE ADOPTION IS BACK ON!!!!!!!!

okay, i actually love the decision to pair Hunter and Grett together here. both of them are the "very flawed but kinda mistreated partner of their appearances-obsessed date," so it makes sense that Hunter could give Grett a good perspective on this. also, is it just me, or did they rework Hunter's personality in this episode to be more like S2? i liked it.

i'm going to put every Fiore and Alec moment in this post and you can't stop me. i am initially thinking about them.

"joke's on you fucker i didn't teach her literally any of this. she's just built different."

as much as i enjoy Alec appreciating his daughter's sass, this does seem like a pretty radical heel turn from "i only voted Connor out of this game because it was what was best for him." i guess maybe spending time with Riya and the other villains has caused Alec to fall further off the deep end/forget about Connor's genuinely nice qualities...? or it's inconsistency between different writers, who knows.

i am 0% a jul(?) shipper, but, damn, the jul shippers were eating well this episode.

Yul is such an interesting little guy.

James flexing his character arc, we love to see it.

WHAT IS IT WITH THE CYAN WOMEN AND SECRETLY BEING JACKED????

society..... it's becoming more utopian........

see, this is why i didn't think Tess would be the one to return to the game.

Aiden is such a hater, i love him. but, overall, i agree with Lake. we're definitely sowing the seeds for a Jake redemption(/winner?) arc and a heroes' reunion.

Riya, finally finishing what she started in S2 of making the gays fall off cliffs.

villains are so fun. i love villains.

THE SOFT DAD SMILE IS BACK :D

ooh, nice callback.

this is an objectively funny screenshot. why does Alec yell like that

what a surprising outcome! (/s /lh)

:,) <3

i wish Aiden and James had more of an opportunity to talk during this episode :/ it's fine, though-- i think that James and Lake's characters were used more effectively this way.

they're getting back together after this trust me guys i'm disventure camp

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY

they truly are family now. i love it.

"not that bad" is a weird way to describe your would-be crush.

this will be a fun scene! idk which episode "Saturday" will be, though. both because idk how many days will pass in any given episode and also bc i don't recall which day today is in canon.

i do wonder what evil Gabby is doing here. i guess maybe it'll just be the side of Gabby that wants to run with the villains alliance for power vs the side that wants to follow Ellie's advice? that seems kind of weird. maybe it'll be more like the side that wants to go mad with power on the revenge quest vs Gabby's more rational and strategic side? either way, strange cliffhanger.

can't we just have everyone here... always... all the time...? no? okay :( well, it was still really nice to get the whole gang back together for this episode. i'll look forward to seeing them again in the finale.

and, hey, Connor's back in the game now! and he can't be eliminated next episode, at least. are there going to be three players with immunity...? that could get spicy. we'll see how the heroes and villains smack down when the next real elimination rolls around. back up to ten to nine again... see you next time!

#disventure camp #disventure camp spoilers #dcas #dcas initial thoughts #i had a bit of a rough day today so i'm really glad that this episode was there to cheer me up #i would've been even HAPPIER with one slight modification (which i'm sure you can guess) but. this shall do.

[cryptvokeeper]

don’t get me wrong I think the general interpretation of Leo being like “I put up a cocky front but deep down I don’t actually think I’m that great and that’s why I have something to prove” is good. It’s cool, plenty of drama/angst potential and probably what the creators were going for, I’m here for it.

But there is a distinct appeal to me of the slightly-to-the-left interpretation of Leo being like “it’s not a front, I know I’m that good/smart/skilled, but I also know I’m seen by others as just the goofball face man and that’s why I have something to prove.”

#Rottmnt #Wild metaphor incoming but it’s like the difference between a hersheys bar and fancy Ghirardelli or something #At the end of the day they’re both chocolate. But ones got a bit more depth. #where was I going with this again idk I got caught up in food metaphor #It’s like. With the first one it boils down to character A (in this case Leo) going “I’m useless because I’m not good at [thing]” #Resulting in those around him either going “of course you’re good at thing! Remember the time you were good at thing?” #Or sometimes “it doesn’t matter that you’re not good at [thing] we love you regardless of what you can provide” #And again THATS GOOD THATS SOME GOOD SHIT #I LOVE THAT #but with the latter it’s more like “I know I’m good at thing *but I don’t know how to prove it to you*” #And that gives you the best of both worlds where you CAN get character A feeling bad but not for their lack of thing #But because if no can see it surely they *must* be doing something wrong right? #And ALSO you get the characters around them getting all sorts of feelings of “we didn’t do enough to show we believe in them” #Or “we didn’t notice how hard they tried” #Cuz you can get that a little in the first one but it can come off as kinda meh cuz they didn’t actually do anything wrong #It also has more opportunities for emotions besides straight sadness #You can have anger and conflict of “why am I not good enough for you?!” #That straight sef deprecation doesn’t always allow for #You can also have jealously and envy that feels less toxic and more justified #Not that it strictly needs to be justified mind you #Sometimes some toxic feelings stemming from perceived inadequacy are fuckin *chefs kiss* #But again it’s abt the VARIETY yknow #This isn’t even about Rottmnt anymore I’m just rambling #It’s my post and I get to choose the bullshit tags

[puppyeared]

i wanna post my skip to loafer art but i cant do it knowing ppl are gonna put it on tiktok and pinterest bc itd be like. bringing an invasive species ykwim

#my meds just kicked in so im feeling talkative but truly idk how to explain it #its like. with anything else id be more than happy to introduce it to ppl like monkie kid and mp100. witch hat maybe but its personal to me #but skip to loafer is special to me. and i feel bad for saying this bc other ppl do deserve to watch smth they will enjoy #hell the reason i got into it was bc my friend was kind enough to lend me her copy and i got hooked #its so ironic im saying this esp given how insecure i am abt depicting characters wrong. but i really dont want to look thru the tags #and see them on a 'can i copy your homework' tier list. or ppl getting mad abt why egashira mitsumi and shima cant just be a throuple #its just!! i wont stop you if thats how you like to engage with the show or how you interpret it bc ill just ignore it and leave u alone!! #and theres no objective wrong way of doing it!! and i know that interacting with the work is what forms a community after all!! #but keeping it tight knit is just easier for me bc nobody has to worry abt making each other laugh and we can enjoy it for what it is #fully aware im saying this as someone whos drawn monkie kid art with text post memes and owl house draw the squad templates #but at the same time i just. dont want to explain myself or give ppl reasons why shima and mitsumi are ace coded just bc it 'feels right' #fandom is a communal thing and it feels so hypocritical thinking this. too many conflictng thoughts that idk what to act on #yapping

[mathlann]

Warhammer/Marazhai brainrot has me so fucking stupid.

#me ranting all day: #but the consent is what makes the murder-fucking hot! At! Every! Step! #(remembers murdered crew) well okay consent between /him and the RT/ is important #Scary Elf Pain Frenzy or no the fact that you can say “nah” even mid-murder high is nice! #and it doesnt even necessarily feel OOC for that happen cuz of why he's even doing this #the fact that he waits until the RT /reaches for him/ in the first Feast even after the yes #he wants them to say yes and want more until they either meet his level or give up and feel bad about themselves cuz like Drukhari and all #and like iirc the only time he gets upset @ the RT saying “no” is after the branding but thats more like #a personal “why are you divorcing me” upset and he still doesnt like touch them or hurt them or anything #like idk are you getting what im putting down? #i like that the messed up Murder Elf likes and /wants/ the RTs sign off on every step of the romance and its nice #but also this is a Drukhari and all of this is done on a pile of bodies so what the fuck am i talking about yk? #insanity! why am i blabbing about this #marazhai aezyrraesh #<-for finding later

[animationismycomfort]

just unsubscribed from vivzie after realizing that these shows aren’t gonna go anywhere and they’re pretty horrible in terms of everything and I am UPSET about it

but other then that cheers mate🧃

#vivziepop #hopefully people rewrite them cause they deserve that #I’m not really upset like I thought I’d be #I’m jsut upset that I didn’t see it sooner #my stuffy stuff #idk just wanted to announce that I’m free #🎶raise a glass to freeedom🎶🧃 #but yea feels pretty good honestly might look up rewrites for this sh-t cause wtf #now I can enjoy other things that a lot of people hate mostly because of the fandom instead of the creator #idk why I have a hard time realizing when something is bad that i previously worshipped #it’s called rose colored glasses unfortunately #and I SUFFER FROM IT #it just be like that tho #listen none of this means you can’t like it or still watch it #by all means go right ahead idc #I feel like I need to say that cause I know some people will take this the wrong way #funny thing is I was never really in the fandom or really that into the show if I’m honest I jsut wanted to give it a chance cause #youtube shows excite me #and I was subscribed to viv for a while so I basically saw helluva boss come to be #so I am and was a very bias person #I’m not ashamed to admit it #we are all bias of something or multiply things #it’s natural #at least I think it is #but whatever #that’s all I’m gonna say #if anybody wants to complain or point out things that suck about helluva boss #I’ll be here #in my corner with some hot cocoa

[toastsnaffler]

ykw actually I am angry + disappointed w them. I've been pushing how I feel aside and trying to make it my own fault so it's all contained but I think theyve just been mean. and they really should know me better ik I try to pretend I don't expect more from them so I feel less hurt when they do things that upset me but we've been friends for years by this point. like come on.

#just got home and went to put my shit away but my flatmate was in the kitchen and i got suddenly so mad i had to walk back out #not going to do or say anything while im this upset. i need to be a lot calmer before i can even be in the same room as her #like okay. so originally it was just the two of them getting drinks and theyd rather it was just them bc i dont drink. thats cool #it wouldve been difficult for me to join them after work bc travel. and ik theyd done this before just the 2 of them and had fun #i can fully respect that its why i said no and stuck by that decision when she asked again #but to not mention she was taking the day off work and btw i just found out that BOTH of our other old flatmates joined in too #to not mention that they were travelling that entire distance and that it wasnt just drinks it was a whole day out together #thats just mean. why wouldnt you tell me that why did none of them say anything. #and the fact they did the exact same fucking thing last weekend too i didnt know about that at all #like i need to stop trying to justify it. im allowed to feel unwanted and excluded bc thats exactly what theyre doing. #im tired of feeling like other people dont want me around. i know i can be difficult and annoying sometimes. but im really not that bad #and we're meant to be friends!!!!!! like youre supposed to like your friends. and want to spend time with them. or at least i do #and yeah everyones annoying sometimes thats just part of being alive ur supposed to tolerate it if ur friends #im allowed to want to feel like im wanted. im allowed to want ppl to care abt me. that shouldnt be too much to ask for #but the overwhelming message im getting at the moment is they dont want me around. and when i am around them i feel like they dont listen #to me and that they dont really care how i feel unless it directly involves them or theyre responsible for it #i feel like they dont see me as a real person that exists. only a version they have in their heads and they base all their assumptions and #decisions off that version instead of directly communicating with me. and constantly avoid me under the guise of 'giving me space' #when im upset or having a difficult time and most need support from other people. i just feel really unseen #and ik that part of how i feel IS exacerbated by insecurity and depression. like they do care to some degree #but also a lot of it is evidenced in the way they act towards me. mainly my roommate bc shes the person i interact with most #and personally i find the most direct ways of showing u care abt someone are showing up for them. and making them feel seen #and maybe not everyone feels the same way. but thats how it works for me anyway #so to repeatedly exclude me and avoid acknowledging that ive been having a difficult time is the opposite of that to me #which is the point im trying to arrive at... sorry ik ive probably said similar things repeatedly the last few weeks but i feel like its #crystallising a bit like this is the core reason why im so sensitive and reactive atm and why i got so upset by it #idk. not tonight bc im still very emotionally raw but maybe tomorrow if im calmer i should explain that i was upset + why to her #i avoid doing that so often when im upset bc i dont think theres much point in having a conversation abt it unless u expect some kind of #resolution from it. or if you want an apology but idrc abt being apologised to the crucial thing is what theyre going to do different #and i love her but shes very resistant to changing her behaviour bc of other ppl being upset by it. and like i said before she has

[autisticlee]

I know it's wrong and bad to say this, but sometimes I really hate when my friends have other friends. (specifically when I can't also be friends with those friends) because every time I want someone to hang out with or talk to, the only couple friends I have are always busy with their other friends. when I want to plan something with them, they will always choose the other friends over me. they will cancel plans *with* me as soon as other friends ask, but won't cancel plans *for* me when i ask. they will use up their social spoons on other friends and leave none for me. always putting things with me off or simply not responding at all.

i'm always told by random people when I say I want mkre friends "it's better to have a couple great friends than many aquantances" or something like that. but honestly it sucks because you can't rely on 1-2 people to always be there for you every day or every week when you want or need someone. if you keep asking, you're seen as annoying and clingy and they will ignore you eventually (or worse)

it's annoying that they get to fill their social needs at all times, but I never get to. because i'm never the one that gets to go first in the social queue. and when it gets to my turn, it refreshes and i'm pushed to the back again.

the only solution I can ever think of is being friends with my friends' friends too....but for some reason!!!!!! that never works out!!!! (if my friends will even share their friends with me to begin with)

#and dont even get me started on when i share my friends with each other and they choose each other over me and kick me out lmao #WHY ARE FRIENDS SO HARD #why am i just a little creature that requires certain amounts/types of social interaction that never gets met #and no one wants to do anything about it. and im forced to sit here feeling bad about it because i cant fix it either fbbdbdfghhdhjrhfdj #this whole friend and human interaction and bonding and companionship bullshit is going to be lifelong issue and im not here for it #NO ADVICE IM GIVEN WORKS. IM TIRED OF ONE SIDED BULLSHIT WHERE ONLY I TRY. HUMANS ARE ANNOYING #im like a non human creature that wears human skin and everyone except me knows and they dont want me and i domt know why #i also dont have the energy to do the whole new friends song and dance where you small talk to get to know each other #and share your life stories. i rather just hang out and become friends through enjoyment of mutual enjoyed activity???? #or something like that idk #i tried so hard to be friendly to friends' friend last weekend when we all hung out so i can be adopted into their friend group but #they didnt even tell me it was nice meeting me and hanging out and didnt even say bye to me. only to my friends #and i was too sad about that to say it to them instead as they walked away. theyre way more social and good at words #and i was overwhelmed and struggling to speak so i was waiting for the queue to say those things or something #i expected it like an idiot loser becuase i thought i did a good job being a cute gremlin that fits into the group that seems to have #other goofy gremlins like me. i thought maybe they can be “my people” or something. but then they turned around and left #after telling my friends bye. and didnt acknowledge me. and i juat kept smiling and turned around and walked away too #PRETENDING IT WAS FINE. BUT IT FELT BAD. BECAUSE I FAILED TO MAKE A FRIEND WHEN I THOUGHT I DID GOOD WITH THEM FOR ONCE #so “being confident/believing in yourself” like im told to do DIDNT WORK AND IT FELT WORSE THAN DOUBTING MYSELF. YOU LIARS. ugh fhdhdhfhjssk #WHAT DO. WHY LEE BAD AT THIS. WHY IT FEEL BAD. WHY NOT JUST ACCEPT BEING ALONE 99% OF TIME AND GIVE UP. WOULD BE EASIER #lee rants #autism things #i know its rude to invite yourself into a friend group but what if i try anyway 🤪✌️

[scare-ard--sleigh]

okay like I had to make Tweaks to a tech article i submitted, which included writing up a meta title (of which i just grabbed the first half of the actual title) a meta description (the description you see on google that no one actually looks at) and bumping down the Grammarly 'plagiarism' score from 3% down to 2% (changing the wording around in 2 sentences) and i'm just like . why do we even have editors lmao like what are we paying those people for .

#work stuff #silver jelly #like at my main job i could have gotten all that done as an editor in less than the time it took them to type out the #message sending it back to me ????????? #(like we do not give a shit about the Grammarly scores unless they're like > 11% and i DO think it's stupid that mine was 'unacceptable' #at 3% when their rule isn't even 2% it's 'less than 3%' like throw me a fucking bone here man) #like it's not even a me being lazy thing; if the editor had looked and seen that i'd missed those things and either fixed them or told me #to fix them BEFORE we sent it to the client we'd look 100% more professional . don't get me wrong; their text wall of guidelines is in fact #bogus and that's Why i missed these things bc i had 9000 other things to think about when i was getting it ready for submission. but why is #that ALL on me??? when i KNOW there's at least one other set of eyes on this thing?? idk doesn't sit right !! #and it just makes me personally look bad (because i 'alone' am making the company look bad despite the fact that the editor #could have said something! (or god forbid DONE something!) i know she has access to these guidelines too !!!) #anyway i'm gonna see if any fashion magazines are hiring i'm sooooo doneeeeeee

[weedpicnic]

god damnit life is so close to fully ruining against me! For me but they will not WIN but like how can I possibly have so many negative memories associated with one band and still listen to them on purpose.

#. #there’s the Bad Ex of course and that concert we attended during which I was being deceived about their identity the entire time. was Cool #but I wanna see them live again to override that memory honestly #now tell me why the other night I worked coat check and spent much of my time there just stressing over this failed attempt #to do conflict resolution with like one of my best friends trying like hell to be strong in having any sense of self preservation #literally just trying to have. normal clearly communicated boundaries followed #and not far into this convo it’s made pretty clear that we are like not on the same page at all and she is just. not aknowledging #the fact that she hurt me and why #and then the dj starts spinning black me out as we’re closing up 😭 #which me and this friend had done in karaoke like probably multiple times auuuughhhh pain #genuinely wonder if we met like a few years sooner could I have saved her. could she have saved me. could she get what she wanted without #this shit #idk #I am incapable of not idolizing people even when they give me every reason not to apparently #but it’s not even about idolizing or saving or anything I just admired her so much and I care about her so much and I feel so stupid now #can’t fucking pick up on the same between the lines unspoken shit that everybody else can apparently

[alchemiclee]

I didn't like blade at first for some reason. too edgy and emo and seemed generic like a sasuke (I never liked sasuke lmao) when I learned about yingxing, I really liked him but still didn't like blade. now I like both for some reason even if yinxing is a dumbass who did this to himself. but blade grew on me somwhow, and someone really needs to gently hold him or something. that poor man. he's so broken. give him a break 😭

#why do i often end up like the sad tragic characters #sometimes even ones that do evil shit because i feel bad for them or something lmao #lee text #hsr #if they really wanna make us sad they can end game give him a purpose and reason to live but then make him die permanently 😈 #because its what he askd for all this time ans its granted to him and he realizes in the end he made a mistake and isnt ready yet #(i doubt theyll do that but it would amuse me to see people's reactions fbfdhjsj) #i doubt blade will have a happy ending and it would be weird if they dont end him at the end #also dan heng needs a hug. hes also a mess and wont leave his room right now fhdjjdjjsjs #i hope he can open up to his friends more at some point and they become closer and rely on each other more????? #he has hope of moving on with them. but what if he also ends up tragically ending fhfdhjddj blade still wont let him go #tbh ive kinda lost faith in the writers writing a good story. they rush things and everything is disconnected and many holes #so idk if it'll end up being a good story at this point 😅 maybe my expectations are too high for this type of game idk #but they did show good potential and kinda threw it away imo fhbfdjjdjdkd #what am i rambling about

[risingsunresistance]

i lied so hard on that old post of ppl saying they'd never been through this before and asking if it gets better and i talked about edd and said it does get better. i was 11 and did not process what happened and moved on and thought that i had "accepted it," now im 21 and actually realize what's going on and it is NOT getting better

#tw death #chat #this SUCKS man. WHY DOES IT KEEP GETTING *WORSE* #it would help if literally anything normal could happen in my life for like. 3 days. that's all i need #did yall hear about the spill in ohio. it got in the ohio river. so now our water is being monitored #gas leak where my uncle lives. so bad the entire stretch of road is closed #got like 3 people dead 1 in the hospital and literally no one will give me updates on her #im DESPERATELY trying to graduate between all this and im job shadowing under a freak of a man and he kinda scares me #ever since my dog died i have been on a downhill spiral man #scooter died a while back btw. i just didnt say anything bc i didnt wanna make ppl sad #it was cancer... #i am trying to climb back up this hill i've been thrown down im really trying this time but people keep throwing rocks at me JKFHSDG #''stay positive'' i say covered in blood #anyways my birthday is in less than a month. cool #at least i didnt have to be home for the super bowl for the first time ever. absolute god send #also i've caught like 6 shinies in the past couple days. FOUR OF THEM were full odds and also back to back. wack #finally got my shiny bronzor i love bronzor have i ever told you guys that. he is JUST a circle #h #vent #idk how to tag this i just dont wanna throw it in ppl's faces on what should be a kinda nice day lol #but i wanna say it eventually bc i've held back for too long #and now im worried abt ppl back home bc im stuck at the dorm and i have a test and a paper due soon #i need a BREAK. not spring break. i need a BREAK break. i need to grab everyone and go to the beach or something #or just. stay in a nice hotel for a day or two. waste some money #drive everyone to falcon overlook or something so they can see the hills like i did #fun road to drive it's all bendy hehe

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#some reflections on 2022 as a year bc im bored and tired mostly prob bc my hormones r fucked up #ill b real. it was not a great one. not the worst i guess. that award goes to 2016 when i was a junior in undergrad and i was spiraling #and i did kno y it was happening so it was scary. now at least i kno why mostly but i think ive experienced the most soul rattling cosmic #despair in this year just bc i pushed and pushed to the point of destruction and i mean i have a history of doing that but i never wanted #to like quit before like as in fucking quit my job and just fucking break things. its weird. and ive got that panic feeling now #its the same one i get when ive been in therapy for a while and nothings helping. and i keep thinking: help me help me someone make this #stop bc i dont want to b like this anymore and i dont kno what to do. bc i was hoping a break would heal me and that would b enough but #the fears been creaping in the past few days bc deadlines and projects snd i havent done anything i need to and i still just want to give #up. ugh. im probably just feeling melodramatic bc i overextended socially yesterday. but idk what to do. hope for a better year i guess #at least i kno i wont b living where i am in 8 to 10 months. so change is coming but things r still up in the air #and i mean 2023 wont b off to a great start bc i have to go to lunch with my grandparents and i dont want to #why? bc i think theyre bad ppl. and itll just b me. and i dont kno for how long ill b there. #my last day home and i have to spend time with them. i shoulf b working on a manuscript. i should b doing that now #but instead im laying here trying not to cry. i just wanna go to sleep. less than 48hrs and ill b back to the desert #feeling a little better maybe but idk all is not well #so yea hopefully 2023 will b a bit better #unrelated

[pepprs]

kind of amazing that i get down on myself for having impostor syndrome and feeling constantly stupid and naive and radiating insecurity about being young all the time when actually there is a completely explainable reason for it which is that i live in this house 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

#groaning and laughing over liz memes with my siblings and explaining to my parents why ppl are doing this / why ppl hate her and #are celebrating her death and they start attacking me for relaying the information (and agreeing with it ♥️) and saying shit like This #Generation has no respect and are so cruel and classless and always pick at problems for no reason and make unfounded baseless claims when I #was literally reading them evidence of the awful things that happened under her reign and they were going i don’t believe that. LMFAO! ok. #and the generational disdain has been such an issue too. like our parents straight up think we are stupid! love and light 💖 #purrs #one of the worst fights i ever had with my mom that was the reason i started going to counseling happened bc of how jason mraz announced #that he was two-spirit and i was talking to my mom about it and said that he shouldn’t have called himself that bc he&: white and she BLEW #UP at me for like 3 days straight for trying to be ‘labelist’ about him and for caring about sexuality and ‘policing’ his / her language and #she literally went out of her way to pick a fight with someone on ig who was saying the thing i was to prove a point to me and she said othe #other extremely hurtful things about me being bi and about me having the audacity to ‘root for the underdog’ and how she was going to cut me #out of her life just like she did with her aunt because i push her buttons too much so ♥️ always very fun to get into debates with my parent #and i know it goes against literally everything i am supposed to know / be for me to be arguing like this and to be complaining about it and #even joking about queen elizabeth but like. idk. i feel so torn between how i feel. i know she was a human being yeah yeah but she was #also a colonialist monarch parasite and i genuinely think the way tumblr explodes when politicians and world leaders die is endearing and #exciting and funny. i adore my job and my colleagues and also working full time is killing me. i recognize that my parents are human beings #and that i am flawed and don’t know everything and am saying stuff without fully knowing what it means and also it makes me giddy to pick #fights with them a little bit. i am kind of a bad person i think and i care about it so much but also i don’t give a fuck anymore. nothing #in my life feels real rn and i am a scared creature in my skin all the time. so no i don’t feel like i can hold my own and represent my work #well because i am living a double life just wanting to play video games all the time and run away from everything but also wanting to create #the golden thing and help people open the door to a better world or whatever and i can’t tell wha ti want to do more because im fucking #EXHAUSTED and experiencing 15 kinds of despair at all times lol! #not to turn a post about queen elizabeth into a vent lmfao but i am so angry. it really fucking gets me that they think im stupid lol. like #i know im stupid for other reasons but it’s not fair to think im stupid because i am pointing out inequities and trying to help you learn or #whatever and it’s not fair that you think that im stupid because im a young person like im literally your fucking daughter and it is made st #STAGGERINGLY clear to me every day how you only wanted babies and you didn’t want us as the messy growing learning imperfectncomplicated #adults we are becoming and it fucking hurts and i hate you for it a little bit. lol 🤸🏻‍♀️ #delete later #idk what i even just typed i an just hitting post and letting the consequences roll in. im a bad person fuck it! #parents tw

[pollen]

i seriously should propose my own promotion. nothing goes out that i don't get my hands on and 50% of the time i'm restructuring and rephrasing every piece of copy that goes out, and more like 90% for some of my more involved accounts, especially the account whose brand identity is 100% from me. i have a social writer who writes bare-bones copy and then gives it to me like "i don't know how to make this work please help me, edit what needs it and feel free to make content suggestions" and most of the time i end up scrapping what she writes and i handle it from there. she can't push anything to client approval without my ok on it. i even edit her content schedules and recommendations sheets before the client sees those. and when we're in a pinch trying to clean something up for production that requires a miracle to be worked, or if we have a pitch going out, or any kind of internal communication or file that's being distributed, or if we have a presentation in mere hours but the content needs to be completely redone, the executives call me in on it. like. make me the content director already i'm so -_-

#it's so frustrating idk the corporate structure we have is like. there's two departments. creative and accounts #and within creative we have the creative director (who does a lot of conceptual and visual work) who oversees the designers #and then we have a handful of copywriters and proofers for various things. most of whom are freelance or contract #and then there's me. who does QA/QC and proofs and copyedits and checks for tonality and compliance #and landscape research and conceptual direction for messaging and all that. and i'm in accounts technically. #so do we see the issue. who is the creative director for the writers. they don't answer to the creative director. neither do i #the creative director and i are like. equals. we get pulled in on kickoffs and he handles visuals and i handle messaging #so why the hell am i not the content director. god it would streamline so much. we need someone to manage traffic #and organize the writers and get messaging and structure figured out before it even goes to production for versioning #it's just soo...... #my supervisor is the vp of accounts/vp in general but she doesn't.. supervise me and never really has? i just #ask her if i can get time off for things. otherwise i'm on my own. and last year i remember the director of ops #saying my supervisor was feeling bad because i work on my own and there's no one i collaborate with as equals and #i had no guidance really after onboarding so it was horrible adjusting to the workload especially because i started in the MIDDLE #of AEP so we were slammed. so i'm like. overseeing things with virtually no direction #and i get so frustrated when i get copy written by another writer and 15 minutes to edit but it's so poorly constructed #and so off brand that it takes me 45 minutes to edit. like can i please just talk to the writers #if i'm already fixing their work and spending so much time doing it how about we do that before they start writing #or before it's 'done' like please let me give them direction. god #anyway hi thank you and welcome to my post about work. i have to go edit a powerpoint now

[lettuce-seize-the-day]

weird random stream of consciousness, but I'm on mobile so I can't do a readmore

I'm watching new girl and Nick said something about how it sometimes is REALLY not fun to be there for schmidt but u have to do it anyway. and im like...these characters are all so crazy and quirky like. Nick has to be SUCH a pain to be friends with. Schmidt has to be SO annoying. They're all so high maintenance in their own ways and they have to take care of each other....and they do it ?? Like and they don't really consider one another to be burdens even when they need a LOT of help and attention. and it just......makes me think. yk?

like im always..so beyond terrified of asking anything of my ppl bc I don't want to be a burden. i don't want anyone to have to deal w my problems and i always feel really bad and uncomfortable when they do, and they do a lot !! bc I have sooooo much going on. and it's too much for me to handle but im sure it's too much for anyone else :/ but idk. it just makes me wish i was in new girl lmao

#shut up hanna #like and ofc i have my ppl #but i still FEEL BAD #like it feels a lot of the time like im taking more than im giving #and thats bc. i am #but maybe its like in new girl #how sometimes for an episode or even most of a season one of them needs a lot of support and attention #like when Jess is in love w nick and hes w reagan and LITERALLY everyone knows but him #everyone is there for jess yk #idk. i just am tired of needing so much support like god just let me be fine :/ #but i have bpd and frequent depressive episodes. and 7 other mental illnesses #which makes me prone to really hard times emotionally at random #but rn im in a new state with a concussion and i dont have my cat and nothing is going right #like i DO need support and i CANT give as much back. not right now #but i would still do anything for my friends fr #and i like to think that when i am doing okay i am a really good friend #but maybe i am just a selfish self centered bitch actually #like the world isnt all about me why am i so self centered #ahhhhhh idk. idk. im going in circles inside my head #i made a new playlist on spotify today so thats what kind of day it is lmao #and i missed my classes again :(