#Told from a mentally ill person | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

the-crying-king · 2 years

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If I'm going on this journey, I might as well make it an adventure

A lot of times I get stuck in this endless tunnel of hopelessness and trying to put my energy into the same stupid things over and over to try and make it work. I keep thinking "this time it will be different" "this job will actually work out" "maybe I'll be happy after I start this job". Endlessly waiting for things to work out. I realized I've been trying the same thing over and over and over again. And that is most certainly INSANITY by definition.

(no wonder I feel like I'm going insane)

I've come back to my senses and grounded myself and realized I'm in charge of this shit. I can do whatever the fuck I want. Do what will bring me joy. Sure life sucks with the regular stuff like bills, stress, relationships or mental health struggles.

I see so many people that get older and they get caught up in doing the societal norms and working consistently at a job for many years just to keep saying "one day this will all pay off and I'll be able to enjoy life then". Unfortunately, so many of those people don't ever see those benefits, they die before actually living the life they wanted. They did what everyone told them what was best for them.

They lost their dreams..

I'm moving 1,000 miles away in about a month. I kept telling myself I wouldn't, I won't like it, I can make things work here. I boiled the town down to a big soul crushing place. I've come to realize; it doesn't matter where I am, I can find beauty anywhere, I can choose to see things in different lights, and things really are what you make it. previously I was convinced that this will be the end of me, this move to somewhere foreign to my mind and out of my comfort zone would make me miserable.

I didn't think about what new things I could lay my eyes on that I hadn't seen before, people that could share their stories with me, things I can learn, things I can create. Even the crappiest motel can have charm to it. I guess it really is all about perspective.

I've decided that I won't be trapped in this endless cycle of "one day" that society confines us to. I get too caught up in the future or in the past that I forget about right now.

If you've read this far, a little advice maybe? - Someone important once told me that every day is like you're on a train, going along your path. It's moving so quickly that you forget what it's like to move slow and easy. As your train rushes, occasionally there's a spark on the track. Sinc you're so focused on an unknown destination, you don't notice those tiny sparks of light. In every moment of everyday, even the bad ones, you have to stay present, take in your surroundings.

Here's an example: I'm late to everything. EVERYTHING. And in turn it honestly affects my mood and my day, I don't feel great about it. Therefore, I'm running on anxiety and irritability while rushing to wherever I need to be. Do I really have time to "slow down and live in the moment"?? HELL NO. However, one day I was running late for work and of course stuck in traffic, while sitting in a dead stop on the highway I was STILL just focused on getting there and the anxiety taking over. (Like that's going to get me there any faster??) I stopped myself from spiraling, and decided "well, if I'm going to be stuck here for a moment, I might as well make the most of it". I took in my surroundings and ended up seeing a dog in a couple cars ahead which made me smile. I looked up and noticed the sun was blocked by massive clouds and made the sky look like a painting. The trees around me were turning colors for fall which I hadn't even noticed! By being present in the moment I made my drive to work go from hell and a foreseen panic attack later at work, to actually enjoyable. To my surprise it actually changed my attitude for the entire day, I started noticing little things that I would have missed otherwise.

Even the worst of days have a tiny spark of light.

End note I guess- Be creative and do what humans are meant to do, LIVE and EXPERIENCE life, not just survive it. Slow down and savor the moment, moments you might miss otherwise. Do what will fulfill YOUR life and soul. Stop holding yourself back from your own happiness.

#Personal note #Told from a mentally ill person #be creative

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rebellum · 1 year

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I feel like... Perhaps... Arguing that transphobia is defined by murder and that anything other than murder doesn't even matter... May NOT be conducive to fighting for trans rights.

Like... people want the right to exist as they are. They want to have access to hrt and surgeries and prosthetics. People want access to clothes that fit them and reflect how they want to be seen. People want access to medical care (eg. Getting screened and treated for sex-based forms of cancer can be impossible if you have the "wrong" sex listed to receive those tests). People want to be respected and treated well. People want to not be sexually assaulted and beaten and abused. People want to have access to housing and jobs, and the protection to not lose those things for being trans. People want access to shelters for homeless people or survivors of domestic abuse. People want name changes.

Acting like all of those things don't matter because at least they weren't murderered by an individual (and instead die of suicide or state violence, or survive and suffer) isn't okay.

#'hey people are forcibly detransitioning you and raping and beating you and you lost your job and are going to be homeless and #probably die of infection from being stabbed for trying to go to the bathroom. but at least you arent part of a demographic that has a #higher murder victim rate! shhh just ignore that we dont actually have data on the murder rate of your group.'#do ppl like. forget state based violence exists. and that thats most violence minorities face.#idk man im just. mad about people on here acting like youre only oppressed if youre a perisex trans woman who was AMAB.#cause i exist at the intersection of multiple minorities and being told hey u experience violence but at least you wont be murdered by an #individual feels like a slap in the face.#like it doesnt matter if i have to mask my neurodivergent behaviour bc if people see they could assume im on drugs and call the police and #i could potentially be really hurt but not die but hey at least i wont die just be horrifically traumatized by police brutality!#there are millions of people with mental illnesses similar to my own around the world who are institutionalized and forcibly medicated or #living on the streets or dependant on horrifically abusive caregivers #but hey at least they arent being murdered!#like. the way the transphobia discussion on tumblr rn discusses (and doesnt discuss) race and ability and class and health makes me #feel very invisible.#like if people had to choose who to believe about my experiences between listening to me a black/mixed mentally ill maybe disabled (used to #be disabled) hella nd trans nonbinary person #or listen to a white middle class trans woman's take on my experiences that theyd choose her. its such a weird weird microcosm.#its like a monkeys paw like people are finally listening to trans fems and finally recognising the violence they experience and finally #actually caring about them but for some reason decide that in order to do that its necessary to throw every other minority under the bus #like fuck man have you seen how 'anti transandrophobia truthers' discuss race? its NOT okay #we all matter we all are so similar and are part of the same groups and same communities we need to stick together #stop using trans fems as a battering ram to hurt other minorities challenge #cause like. yes its some trans fems. but its mostly NOT?#like its non trans fems telling other non trans fems that they arent oppressed #and even when many trans fems are like what the fuck dude of course other trans ppl matter whats wrong with you #the group of like 80% non trans fems 20% trans fems are like 'hmm if you are defending other trans people you must not really be trans fem'#like. denying trans fems their identity bc they disagree with them?? dude someone doesnt stop being a trans fem cause they recognise #people other than trans fems matter and exist #its just all so WEIRD its a weird little tumblr microcosm #i wanna stress. for those of you who dont have access to other lgbtq+ communities. how much it seems to be primarily a tumblr thing. to

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seariii · 3 months

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Hum...

#im just thinking... im okay tho /gen #just thinking about the words the bestie said to me after I told him about my mental health...#particularly a phrase... he just said 'you are already committed' and when i asked what he meant he said 'to life'#its just... idk... it was impressive and had such a weird feeling... sadly i guess i am committed........ 'sadly' huh....#sigh another important thing was that it was crucial i went back to therapy... i dont really want to tho...#but 'youve been feeling like this for a long time you need help' ... sigh... what i need is...#the future is so scary... sigh... okay #ill put an alarm to wake up earlier tomorrow and work on that!#seari talks #what i need is adderall- jsjsjsjsjs yeah... alr im sleepy time to mimir #tomorrow ill catch up with everything i missed too #also if anyone reads this dont worry pretty person! i got a bit scared/upset up there but its okay #im quite stable right now! at least enough to survive for a couple days! so yup!#miiiight have to look up a new therapist tho... since aside from help i wanna get a diagnosis....#sigh... but okay that's not for rn seari it's for future seari. rn seari has to go mimir because shes tired #a mimir a mimir pat pat pat

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martyrbat · 6 months

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cavity search — dcu halloween special (2009)

(ID in alt!)

#hes so funny it's insufferable #the things about dick and it being an act of child cruelty (‘id hate for him get in trouble’) and the concussion line....#having a secret bike that they don't know about....#how he checked on the girl and told her to close her eyes before taking all the dentist' teeth out and then personally drove her to go #someplace safe instead of waiting for the cops to show up (also acab damian so true <3)#also calling the man stinky and getting grounded in general....#hes just a little guy!!!!!#im always going to be a damian defender and enabler idc idc die mad #c: dcu halloween special (2009)#crypt's panels #transcrypts #posts from the crypt #damian al ghul #robin v #dick grayson #whats his batman era tag again. do i have one....#dick grayson's prolonged mental breakdown is too long...#ill come up with a tag later bc dickbats sounds like a ship name and im not taking that chance

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romance-incubomp3 · 3 months

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like if therapy and meds help you that’s so cool but it drives me insane how people treat those as some magical cure all that EVERYONE needs to seek out even though the psych industry is fucked and biased and not affordable and if trying to find a good therapist or find the right meds is doing nothing but causing you even more stress and anxiety even after you’ve been trying to get help for years than maybe it’s not worth it at that point

#do people just like forget that every med has a shit load of potential side affects??#that can make your mental health and even physical health WORSE??#like no one in my family has actually had meds work for them #they just kind of. didn’t do anything for me and my #brother is cursed with getting the Bad side effects of any medication he takes #so like #and when you have mental health conditions that entail #having an incredibly difficult time opening up emotionally or even talking about vulnerable topics #what’s the fucking point #I’d go thousands of dollars into debt before a therapist would ever get me to open up #and that’s IF I was lucky enough to find one that worked for me #also no psych is gonna solve the housing and economy crisis lol #they can’t do anything for me being depressed cause I’m stuck living in a tiny apartment crammed with other people!#even therapists and psychs have straight up told me I don’t seem to benefit from their services #idk just like. if you see that a mentally ill person isn’t on therapy or on meds by choice #consider there’s a reason for that and mind your own fucking business lol

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goldensunset · 3 months

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i cannot stand those quirky overly-friendly-to-the-point-of-crossing-boundaries teachers and professors who make you do icebreakers or fun facts about yourself at the beginning of the semester bc their questions are always the exact sort of stuff that you never wanna answer. but they just keep asking bc they think you’re just being shy and cute. ‘what are your hobbies? what kind of music do you like? what’s a topic very personal and important to you?’ MAN i am not subjecting myself to public humiliation like that for being very far removed from the norm nor am i opening up about my deep-seated personal problems. i don’t know you i don’t respect you you are not entitled to anything outside of my graded work. i’m just trying to prevent everybody in the room including you and i from becoming incredibly uncomfortable. just take the hint when i deflect your questions and pretend to be boring

#my sociology professor was asking us all for our current favorite song to add to the class playlist that he plays a bit from every morning #even if i had a single favorite song i wouldn’t tell him #even if he wasn’t gonna play it in front of others i wouldn’t tell him #he was like ‘ahhh what a diverse and fascinating sample of different genres we’ve collected here from your responses!’#three taylor swift songs. some respectable rock and rap stuff. basically it #i am not about to submit my japanese robots singing about the most unhinged and frightening topics known to man #some of us actually got bullied as children and learned to never be honest ever again especially not when we don’t have friends with us #i could explain to him why i like the things i like #but i’m not about to be that vulnerable?? hello???? i already know he wouldn’t understand or care even if he didn’t say anything mean #ok hot take but i actually kinda don’t like the discourse surrounding infodumping #like ‘it’s ok to just talk at me about the things you like! :)’ ok but if i don’t have clear confirmation that you like it too #then it feels like you’re just listening to me out of pity #you could be as nice as possible but if you don’t ask followup questions or express any sort of favorite part or interesting detail #i will feel awful and be like ok never doing that again #maybe that’s just my personal flavor of mental illness #i never got like. told to shut up or anything when talking #but i did get the awkward silence or ‘light-hearted’ mockery #so i figured shutting myself up was for the best #peach rambles

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beetrootsoupdragon · 6 months

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hmmm.

#vent in tags #turns out my only friend is actually really ableist and queerphobic #like i guess i should have realised that when she called me a slur #but i just excused it #like i excused her being really mean to me #like theres a line between playful joking and trying to insult the other person #and she made a joke abt me being autistic (bad joke to make) so i told her i actually was autistic and she was weird around me the rest of #the day but then near the end she started beingreally rude to me #including saying something like “i have too small of a mental capasity to be a good friend” or something #and like #shes never said anything like this until i told her i was autistic #plus she has always been weird abt me not using excact labels and just referring to my gender and sexuality in general terms #and she was really really weird abt me being trans #and she was so weird when she found out abt my sh #and i actually hate being around her #she makes me feel so bad abt myself wtff #i put up with it bcs i have no other friends #we're not a good friendship bcs she wants so much more from me than i can give and she refuses to give anything back #idk what to do abt it bcs there is. no way ill be able to just stop talking to her #shes really good at forcing me to spend time with her #idk shes actually really manipulative

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theokusgallery · 5 months

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I freaking love your au and your latest comic because MAN

I FELT THOSE LAST WORDS AND I WAS LIKE "OH FUCK"

First panel was already a bit unsettling itself - like you get it's just intimate manners as you do as a couple but he felt so possessive already and

Sunny's inner thoughts

I'm sure 100% his abandonment anxiety will increase drastically the more he stays with nick and honestly slay

I mean it's kinda obvious

But like I felt that

Yeah

Nick is unhinged

Nick is crazy

Y'all are gay for him

Good 😵💥

Sunny has soooo many issues. So many of them. He's so vulnerable and he makes himself vulnerable to Nick while still being intimidated by him, it's... Dude's got some problems.

#ive talked about mental illness and nick before but not sunny...#well. only a bit. ive said sunny's autistic #but he's also got other problems-- such as abandonment issues as you said #sunny's very insecure in relationships - partly because he has a very limited experience with them #and partly because he has self image issues.#when you grow up as an undiagnosed autistic kid you tend to be very aware you're different while not knowing how to change it #everyone thinks and says you're weird but you have no idea what's weird about you so you can't even try to fit in #a friend of mine told me once that she thought i was so brave for not being scared of being different in middle school #i wasn't. i wasn't brave. i just had no idea why people thought i was weird #sunny in this au knows how deeply different he is from other people but he doesn't know /what/ makes him different or how to change it #and as a result he just doesn't open up very much. he's very reserved and doesnt talk to many people. he has like two friends total #which also conviently makes him easy for nick to isolate #sunny also has bpd! and he gets deeply attached to people who show him any kind of affection very easily #as i mentioned before he also tends to fall for people who intimidate or scare him -- people he sees as mentally superior to him #his self image is constantly oscilliating between 'im the greatest person to have ever lived' and 'im the worst thing to have ever existed'#he's extremely unstable. he has mood swings. he gets obsessive easily. he seeks out relationships with mostly toxic or older people #he doesn't have a good support system. he's socially anxious and an introvert. he's openly trans. most people think he's weird.#he has no stable sense of self. he has panic attacks. he's both hypervigilant and oblivious to lies and attempts at manipulation #all of this makes him a very easy target for someone like nick.#at least- at /least/-- nick genuinely loves him.#ask #tosteur-gluteal #rant #arsenic #i start talking about psychology and i get lost. my apologies

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acircusfullofdemons · 3 months

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MaDD will fuck up my life in ways I won't even realize like girl wdym you only have 2 friends 💀

#maladaptive daydreaming #madd pains #madd negativity #luka.txt #told my mom one of my friends is moving away n she pointed out that i only hang out w her n another person #theres some people at work i wanna ask to hang out w but idk #for some reason my brain keeps going ''but what if we're not close enough Work Friends to hang out''#i guess i could start messaging them on Instagram?? since were mutuals there???#why is making friends so hard n complicated. why is my brain like this.#maybe i can message those from my old college too...#idk it's so weird ive never really. had the desire for friends? if that makes sense ???#like theyre nice dont get me wrong I love the ones i have #and idk if its the madd or other mental illness skewing it. but part of me is sort of fine being alone?#ive always been of the ''if it happens it happens'' mindset when it came to friend making. does that make sense. probably not!

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wickershells · 6 months

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#i just dont really know what to do. my friends never express concern for me and they never tell me they love me without overt irony or some #watering down of the sentence. they never reach out when i need them and everything they say is so detached and distant and cold #and maybe im just in my head again maybe its getting to the time of year when my life routinely falls apart moreso than all the other month #but i feel so abandoned all the time. and stupid. and unloveable. my friend once told me that her love for me would erode #whenever i vanished for mental health reasons so i stopped vanishing and started instead pushing through the illness and opening up more to #her but it was too much for her to handle and all my baggage almost ended our friendship so here i am vanishing again except this time with #the debilitating knowledge that every day she loves me less and less and less. if i am not there she stops loving me and if i am she stops #loving me. what do i do. my illness takes everything from me every damn thing. she wont call me but she bought a ticket to see me in januar #and i cant reconcile it. shes visiting her girlfriend and its the same price to come over here too so i guess why not. its not really #for me. we dont have plans to do anything for my birthday and i doubt she will offer and i dont want to be the one to do so like last year #i want someone to love me without me asking them to. i want to be able to trust people without having it broken. i want to feel like an #equal and not so inferior all the time. i'm not her best friend anymore. she doesnt tell me personal things she doesnt share everything #she used to with me. i try and try to start doing the things we used to but she doesnt do them. i shared my location again but she didnt #share hers. so i stopped again and she didnt even ask me why. she has not asked if im okay in weeks. if i vanished forever i dont think #she would even notice. i cant see her mourning the loss of me. i dont think i matter that much to her. and it is so painful #with both of my best friends i watch them gladly do things with other people and never do things with me unless i beg. i am constantly #excluded from their lives i am the outsider friend. and it is so damn lonely. and every time i'm presented w the opportunity to make new #friends i'm paralysed w fear because how many times have i lost people. i'm either too little or too much or both at once. constantly absen #or constantly sad and it's poisonous i feel poisonous. i'm not fit for community despite how desperate i am for it i just feel perpetually #undeserving. and so stupid and unsuccessful in comparison to them. i'm too much effort to be around and i get why i really do #even this it's just so much heaviness all the time i am such a burden. they just don't love me as much anymore. love lost #added to my family baggage and my dead childhood dog and the nothingness of my future i just can't see myself continuing i don't know what #to do. my parents don't support me my friends are never there the nhs is a joke i am actually genuinely alone lol #what if i can't recover. some people are destined not to. what if that's me. what if i am never happy. i'm never going to accomplish #anything i'm stuck here. stagnant and unmoving. the most disposable and useless person alive #sorry. will delete later as usual. but for reasons stated above i have nowhere else to put these thoughts #and i am drowning in them #vent

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theloveinc · 1 year

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#not to start sh*t (tho i always do)#tho i really do understand the frustration surrounding like... ppl only reading x part of whatever fic #at the same time... the policing of how ppl read is so irritating #nobody has a right to comment on how ppl interact with writing + work #like i personally don't care but ... wanting interaction and comments makes more sense than telling ppl they can't read ur work #if they only read the sm*t/the dialogue/the whatever #like.... why are u writing if ur gonna take the enjoyment away from ppl... even if they're not getting the whole thing... thats on them #sometimes the enjoyment itself comes from interacting with the parts that make it understandable / touch upon someones interests #plus... like .. writing can be good but writing can also be way too flowery. there should be balance.#PLUS... if the only way to get the story is thru the dialogue? thats a WRITER problem #and also.. as someone with chronic brain fog and tons of sh*t i need to get done and also mental illness and such...#not everyone has the time or energy to invest in hours or even minutes of reading #ppl have different abilities not to mention reading speeds #and if skimming is the only way they can/how they participate in reading fanfic... literally leave them be #u can still enjoy stuff that way and appreciate a writer's talents even if ur only looking surface level... it just shouldn't matter #and it just makes me sad readers are being targeted and told theyre a bad audience for stuff like this... WHEN I GET IT #i can't control anyone obvs but i wish it would stop #i think it really makes this community less welcoming which is the uh. last thing we need.#but anyway no hate i guess even tho this is a bad take #i have opinions that would get me sniped truly #okay thats it bye #caitie blabs

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whatevertheywant · 1 year

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Maintaining sobriety is weird when you're around people who don't really care or acknowledge that you're trying to stay sober. Like,I don't necessarily need a medal or anything but like,it doesn't really hit you how little support you have towards a goal until someone does actually say they're proud of you or acknowledges that it's a big deal.

When you hang out with people who are still regularly getting drunk and high,they sometimes act like you not participating is somehow an attack on them??? Like,I don't care if you do it (as long as you're safe and not hurting others), but I'm respectfully saying no. I just know that my mind needs to stay clear if I'm ever going to break the cycles and patterns I am trying to break and have a life I don't constantly want to escape from. I noticed that weed and alcohol were becoming a crutch more than just something to do for fun and realized how much it fucks with my already difficult ability to function normally on a regular basis.

My options for a social life are very limited rn, so that does mean often being around people who do like to party all the time. I might have a drink or two,but I can't just get shitfaced or stoned every other day or so. I still want to spend time with people because it gets very lonely here. And I can vibe with most people pretty well. It just sucks how most of the people I am close to who like get the real me and vibe with that are either an hour or more away or I have never even met irl.

I don't know why I'm rambling about all of this. Sometimes it does all feel so pointless. But obviously there's a part of me that is hopeful and wants to be around to see me live a life I don't hate,so I'm trying to be patient with myself for not being there yet or knowing how to get there. It's just hard,I guess

#personal #sobriety #alcohol mention #weed mention #mental illness #executive dysfunction #rambling #idk #I'm out here #this is me trying #last night anna tried to get me to drink with her while we were playing cards #and i was like idc if you do i just am not going to #and she told me to make myself a drink but i was like I'm trying this sobriety bull shit #and she was like no one will know #bitch I will know #and she's the type of person who wants to get EVERYBODY drunk too #so it was a no from me

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arlotheghostlyfrog · 1 year

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Goes to psychiatrist

Nobody listens to actual problems and instead ask if i had SEXUAL ATTRACTION TO MY MINOR EX BEST FRIEND(SHE LITERALLY SAID "So what if he's 15-16 and you're 20. " WOMAN-)

Gets screamed at by a psychologist

Gets even more irritated, angry, sad and due to "why even talk if nobody is fking listening to me" did not speak for almost all day

#like there is a reason why everybody fking hates psychiatrists #she tried to gaslight me into thinking that i did not have mental problems #i think next time i will straight up bark at her to get her to listen to me.#and no i will not even try to think about what she meant doing that - she behaved unprofessionally with a person that needed help #you know what now i feel even more fking suicidal cuz if i do t get help that WILL work for me i won't be able to function #i repeatedly told her that my gender dysphoria is not why i came here today #but she wont shup up about how my body and agab is beautiful and i should accept it and live like this #THIS TOPIC IS SO TOUCHY FOR ME I CAN LITERALLY VOMIT OR HAVE A BREAKDOWN AT ONE THOUGHT ABOUT BEING FORCED TO LIVE LIKE MY AGAB #I WANT TO FKING BEAT HER #I WAS HEALING MYSELF AND TRYING TO UNLEARN SEXIST MINDSET THAT FEMEMINIE= BAD #AND SHE JUST DESTROYED IT ALL #I WANT TO FKING CRY AND NEVER TALK TO ANYONE AGAIN #mental health problems #mental illness #i came to this place because I could not socialize and i started to have panic attacks again #and they are stopping me from going outside when its dark

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ihophashbrowns · 1 year

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......well!