#The X-Files: Mulder and Vulnerability

[randomfoggytiger]

The X-Files: Mulder and Vulnerability

(Dedicated to @dd-is-my-guiltypleasure~. Merry Christmas!)

I've made a post about Mulder's emotional journey before (post here, it's a good read) but not about the broader scope of his vulnerabilities in past and present relationships.

So! Let's start at the very beginning-- after all, it's the very best place to start.

Mulder's Emotional Expression: Ground Zero

The Pilot gives us a clue of Mulder's emotional barometer: within thirty minutes we've learned that his nature is naturally trusting despite distrusting everyone, that he is tactile and touch-starved, and that he is shocked anyone would seek or could derive comfort from him during a crisis.

Mulder strings Scully along for the first twenty-five minutes of the episode before she runs to his room, terrified of a mosquito bite, and promptly clings to him in a mixture of ebbing fear and relief. As noted in my other post, Mulder is taken aback-- shaking his head in confusion and awkwardly patting her on the shoulder, following her with his eyes then his feet to a set of chairs-- before handing over his motel bed and heartbreaking backstory. From then on out, his hand gravitates to her back; and he factors her naturally into his rhythms, e.g. running after her to share his awe at the experience in the woods.

This incident locks in Mulder's investment very early on; and the events of the next two episodes-- rescuing him from the base in Deep Throat and taking his side on a man-monster case in Squeeze-- solidifies that quickset bond even further.

His reliance on Scully shifts after her support in Conduit, exposing itself in (even more) blatantly territorial jealousy in The Jersey Devil, fervent appeal in Ice, dedicated determination in Lazarus, and cloistered, singular trust in E.B.E. and Tooms.

But a little interesting thing happens in both Conduit and Roland that singles them out from the rest of Season 1: Mulder is brought to the brink of tears, breaking down to himself in a church and almost letting them fall later in Roland's care home.

As we see often throughout the series, Mulder rarely gives in to his emotions, and (almost) never completely. While this could be a symptom of being raised in the 60s and 70s with very poor parental support after his sister's abduction, it's even more enlightening-- and distressing-- to notate when Mulder cries and why he stops.

Mulder cries in Conduit because no one is there to check his tears; Mulder cries in Roland because Roland is less conscious of societal expectations and responds more openly to Mulder's honest fears. And Roland is the only person Mulder almost cries in front of for years: during Scully's abduction and return and near-death, he sought the solitude of his apartment; during his "sister's" return and death, he tried to keep his "weakness" from Scully and his father; even during his father's apology and murder, he put his pain aside and focused on revenge. It's not until Herrenvolk that Mulder finally cries in front of Scully, and only briefly; and after that, not for another three years.

And Mulder's reactions to his "slip ups" are the death knell to any other possible speculation. David Duchovny nailed the self-rebuking, ashamed, almost fearful look Mulder gives himself and his surroundings whenever his sobs become loud or noticeable: ashamed, afraid he'll get caught, certain he'll be rebuked for his weakness.

So, what is the deciding factor between his tears in solitude and his open weeping? Simply put: activated childhood guilt.

He "failed" in End Game, and chokes on his regret and tears while being torn down by his father. He "failed" in Anasazi, and his father dies, gurgling on blood and begging for forgiveness. He "failed" in Oubliette, and cries publicly over Lucy Householder's drowned body. He "failed" in Herrenvolk, and sobs on Scully's shoulder after turning her for immediate and necessary comfort. He "failed" in Paper Hearts, and never lets the tears spill over. He "failed" in Gethsemane and Redux II, and stifles his agony in pillows and shame. He "failed" in Kitsunegari, and almost crumbles on the floor next to his "partner." He "failed" in Sein und Zeit, and finally breaks under the irreparability of his mother's death.

Further, the separate pains that afflict Mulder might seem similar-- assigning guilt and blame to himself for a loved one's death-- but they are very different: Scully's abduction, return, near death, and cancer, as well as his father's appeal and sudden murder, were a result of his work. Yes, those haunt him; but in maturer ways, weighing-in motives other than his own. However, the continual roller coaster of Samanthas waltzing in and out of his life and his mother's two deathbeds are a direct result of his "failure" to save his little sister; and the internal wounds he and his mother carry (until her death and his closure) touch the very wick of his soul, burning away the barriers he's erected to maintain what little peace he clings to.

The Samantha Angle

Samantha is the quickest way to squeeze tears from Mulder.

As a child, Mulder was incredibly expressive person, jumping around in glee, stomping on his Spock ear, and yelling happily while running circles around his sister (Dreamland II); and that was still evident during his prepubescent years (Demons and Little Green Men.)

But he stopped emoting after Samantha's abduction, just as his father's affection seemed to fade (Bill Mulder filming his family in Dreamland II contrasted to his behavior in Season 2) and his mother's gregarious attention became restrained (Tena in Dreamland II versus Tena the rest of the series.) The loss of his sister changed the dynamics of the Mulder household; and, like Mulder said in the Pilot, they never recovered. For him, emotional guarding became all-important, as he now had to answer to an unforgiving father and nursemaid his grieving mother (see post here and here.)

Even after Scully ran to Mulder for safety and comfort (i.e. Pilot, Irresistible, and Milagro), he never quid pro quo'd until Tena "died"-- both times-- and there was no optimistic hope for Samantha's return left to cling to.

Conduit is the first time Mulder sheds tears-- the most unrestrained moment early on in the series-- wallowing in grief over the failure of this case and its similarities to his sister's story.

End Game destroys the second chance of Colony; and Mulder barely holds himself together as his father let him take all the blame for the "death" of his sister.

Anasazi is the second time Mulder loses emotional control; but it's later tempered by the revelation of his father's work, weakening and breaking this particular guilty tie to Samantha.

Oubliette is the first of two nightmarish cases relating to Samantha; and, despite his best efforts, Lucy Householder dies. Her death is the one and only time that Mulder sheds tears in public where everyone could see.

Talitha Cumi and Herrenvolk gives Mulder a cure for Tena and third chance with his sister (or another clone), then yanks both of them away. Too raw to reinforce his safeguards, he cries for Tena at her bedside and again-- and for the first time-- on Scully's shoulder. (However, the violent passion of Conduit has to wait for Sein und Zeit to publicly exhibit.)

Paper Hearts: Mulder walks through the motions of his coping skills-- minimization and avoidance-- shutting his emotions away with the last cloth heart.

Demons and Redux II shows the depths of Mulder's unfettered pain, torment, and anguish... but even still, he won't allow himself to completely give way, either for his "memories" or another lost Samantha. (It's easy to lump his cries at Scully's bedside in the same vein as the fault he feels for Samantha; but as mentioned above-- and will be touched on again soon-- they are very separate griefs.)

Sein und Zeit is the end-all-be-all for Mulder: he cracks, resolve crumbling; and years of repressed emotions spill out messily after Tena Mulder's suicide. That she hadn't told him, that she hadn't had the faith in him to give her answers before her death, that she had left him to clean up the mess he'd "wrecked" in her life without the consolation of a last, loving goodbye destroyed him; and he finally falls apart in Scully's arms, noisy and tearful and broken. (And still up the next morning, putting his grief aside to help another family who lost their own little girl.)

But it's not just about Samantha anymore, is it? The guilt about "failing" her spread to every area of his life, consuming the relationship with his mother, his father, and to a lesser degree his friends, partners, and even Scully. It's an aspect of his vulnerability that was always on the surface, able to be easily twisted, manipulated, or extorted by sundry nefarious characters.

Mulder's Past Relationships: Then and Again

Mulder's past friendships and relationships bubble up from his past here and there, giving us ample opportunity to see how to exploit that vulnerability without directly relating to his childhood trauma.

Season 1 Mulder is more likely to reciprocate disdain with his adversaries than forge new connections; but that soft underbelly of his shown briefly in the Pilot and Conduit is revealed and targeted when ex-best buddy Jerry Lamana, ex-girlfriend Pheobe Green, and former partner and mentor Reggie Perdue filter back into his life. Even the manifestation of his childhood aspirations and dreams ends up a victim to the paranormal, inflicting yet another lash from the whip of distorted childhood nostalgia.

Jerry Lamana swoops in from the past in Ghost in the Machine, surprising Mulder with a hug and a backstab for old times' sake. Yet, despite his spite and sticky-finger ways, Jerry worms his way into his old partner's sympathy by hitting on that old, old trigger button: "Let's face it: I was tagging along. How would you know, Mulder? You were too busy dazzling them up there on the highwire."

Lieutenant Colonel Marcus Belt, Mulder's childhood hero in the flesh, ultimately betrays and disappoints his admirer as well as his crew and mission at large. And while Mulder is right-- that the man was being compelled to do something almost outside his will-- he clings too much to Belt's speech and less to the facts at hand: the colonel's appeal to Mulder's humanity won him more grace over his actions than he might justly deserve.

Phoebe Green, cruel and manipulative, exploits her old boyfriend's insecurities by transforming herself into the repentant victim, successfully playing at sultry detective to both Mulder and her new side piece. (She also reveals an underlying attraction Mulder has to danger: that he is drawn to it in spite of his distrust for it.)

Reggie Perdue is the first person from Mulder's past that he is comfortable with: a private, widowed, aspiring writer who shared his dreams with no one but his young partner. Unfortunately, those dreams are never realized; and it's his death, as well as the young agent who was murdered by the same criminal, that digs into the depths of Mulder's self-punishment and regret. And guilt, of course.

In the aftermath of Scully's return in One Breath, Mulder's past dynamics change: the people who slink back into his life are ones whose respect he craves, covets, and will bend over backwards to earn and keep. These relationships deal heavy damage to his mature adult life.

Bill Mulder: what is there not to say about Bill Mulder (post here)? But the distance in his and his son's relationship hits home when Mulder goes in for a hug and Bill deflects with a handshake. Mulder's face says it all: it'd been so long since he'd seen his father that he forgot the house rules-- Bill Mulder doesn't allow hugs. And that doesn't change until sins are atoned in Anasazi.

Bill Patterson, a bitter man with a begrudging respect, stomps into his pupil's life and on all his toes and fingers only to end the posturing in disgrace. Mulder's old teacher, it seems, was one of the first people to turn on him for his spooky reputation, mocking yet coveting the Golden Boy's incredible ability at the same time. He and Mulder fall into old patterns: baring teeth and raising hackles while trying to win the other's approval; but Mulder's emotional progress saves him from following Patterson's mad method into the black hole of insanity.

Diana Fowley, the more polished ex from Mulder's past, further underlines Mulder's draw to the allure of danger, unpredictability, and seedy underbelly of human nature. His dream of her in Amor Fati tried to transform her into both-- ala the nurses in Kill Switch-- but couldn't quite balance domestic trust and happiness with the real Diana, a woman driven by advancement over loyalty, who would grip a smoking man's shoulder and hand for a leg up.

These relationships were relatively easy to resolve when compared to the damage of his childhood; but both of these past dynamics pale in comparison to the complexities of Mulder's present, with himself and with the most important person in his life.

Another Aspect of Mulder's Vulnerability: Scully

Despite many disasters happening throughout his and Scully's first year of partnership, it's not until Darkness Falls that the switch between friendly concern to ingrained guilt occurs: Mulder, before this point, gives tips and advice-- even yelling at her recklessness in Beyond the Sea-- but her near death in the woods is the turning point of his personal responsibility. It imprints so deeply on his mind that he denies Scully's offer to let herself go down by his side in Tooms, preferring that she be saved even if his career is doomed.

Then Little Green Men, then Duane Barry, then Ascension, then One Breath.

One Breath is another turning point-- the most important-- when the guilt from Scully's (second) near-death split from the corrosive damage of Samantha's abduction: during the case, Skinner posits Mulder could be just as liable as the men who did this to his partner; and Mulder, wrung-out and worn down, weeps alone in his apartment. However, Scully's resolve and "resurrection" proved that she didn't blame him, that the men who did this to her would be held responsible, and that she was an equal warrior in this battle to find out what happened to his sister. From this point on, the wrongs done to Scully are placed in a distinct category related only to his abilities as a partner-- in the fullest sense of that word-- rather than his failures as an older brother or "Spooky" Golden Boy or know-it-all basement conspiracist. His personal shields, sarcastic reservations, and kneejerk deflections are effectively gone between them, (though they do pop up in future, defensive fights.)

And while this is healthy for their partnership and future romantic relationship, it opens the floodgates for an even greater trauma: failing her as an adult with capabilities denied to him as a child-- Scully becoming collateral in his enemies' quest to stop him.

Firewalker doubles down on this new, internal shift: Mulder gently discourages Scully from joining the case, gently encourages her to stay where it's "safe", and rushes back, overjoyed and almost overcome at finding her alive in the finale.

The brand of Mulder Guilt is peppered liberally throughout the rest of the show: comforting and accepting comfort after Pfaster and both Modells, needing her reassurance for growing old and dying too soon, presenting a birthday keychain instead of a desk (because of her cancer), being shaken by images of a past life, then losing his faith and almost losing her all within a span of five intense years.

It's a new angle to his blossoming vulnerability: the Mulder who will sacrifice himself to help others-- be it victims or acquaintances or loved ones-- has tied his happiness and emotional vulnerability to a person he could lose (but doesn't believe he will) any ordinary day on the job. It's a precarious position for them both; but is daily proof that he trust her more than life itself.

Mulder's Character Arc (ala David Duchovny)

Mulder is Mulder and will struggle with this side of himself for the rest of his life; but he's makes significant personal development over the first seven years of his partnership.

"Rigid in a wonderful way" and "My one-in-five billion," and "You've kept me honest, made me a whole person" are incredible milestone markers on this journey; but the gold star has to be handed to David Duchovny for writing Mulder's three biggest breakthroughs.

In The Unnatural, Mulder's "joyless myopia" is whipped into clearer focus when Dales opens his eyes to "life on this planet" and "the mystery of the heart"; and because of that experience, he races to the ballfield and calls Scully in, carefree and exuberant and wanting to share this-- and so much more-- with her.

This episode ties inseparably into the scenes David wrote in The Sixth Extinction: Amor Fati. Mulder's secret desires, his dream of a normal life with a loving family surrounded by safety and peace is the second step of his baseball lesson, exposing how much he wants craves "normal" but without the luxury of being able to live that life. Besides, that's not who he and Scully are. So, he resurrects out of his dreams, ready to take what he has and turn it into a new and better reality, Scully at his side.

This, again, ties in perfectly with Hollywood A.D.: Scully and he and nothing between, eschewing the glitz of showbiz for a brand of glamor all their own.

Mulder's vulnerability has evolved, shifting from distance and deflection to desperation and despair to dedication and devotion: a testament to the obstacles he's hurtled in order to live each day proud of himself, and free.

May we all aspire to emulate Fox Mulder in that way.

Thanks for reading~

Enjoy!

#txf #The X-Files: Mulder and Vulnerability #Merry Christmas Vavie! This was a delight to write~ #xf meta #meta #mine #Mulder #xfiles #x-files #the x files #Samantha #Teena Mulder #Tena #Bill Mulder #Scully #S1 #S2 #S3 #S4 #S5 #S6 #S7 #analysis #DD #randomfoggytiger Christmas #2023

[bisexualfbiagents]

Actually, all I ever wanted in life was to be left alone. Don't we all? So just my luck that I'd eventually become an alien abductee. Now I'm never alone.

CELEBRATING 30 YEARS OF THE X FILES Day 5: Favorite Arc Part Two ➤ The Suspicious Crash of Flight 549 from Tempus Fugit (4.17) and Max (4.18)

#the x files #txf #txfedit #xf30th #xfiles #xfilesnet #dailytxf #4x18 #fox mulder #dana scully #max fenig #flashing tw #coloring this set aka my 13th reason #at some point i had to just give up #recovering perfectionists hello!!! #feelin a little goofy for not doing like an actual arc but that's the fun here right? that feeling of vulnerability when being creative? #maybe the creative process is being in a constant state of feeling embarrassed and then one day it just fades away #who knows!! #mine

[deathsbestgirl]

can't remember if i ever phrased it this way on here, but the way mulder & scully talk to other during vulnerable moments is just. so precious. it's the way they talk to children. their voice goes so soft, so gentle. and they deserve that more than i can say. they are not their capable adult selves in those moments. mulder is the twelve year old boy who lost his sister. scully is the little girl who hasn't yet perfected her mask. their hearts are ripped open, their souls bared to whatever cruelty they're facing. and the only person who ever gives them the grace to be present & let them be vulnerable is each other. something i *truly* don't think they've experienced before.

#scully probably did from her mom & missy but not a man #ain't no way #mulder's compassion & empathy & vulnerability is a HUGE attraction for her #mulder may have experienced it before sam but it's hard to say honestly #he definitely didn't get it from his parents after #or phoebe or diana or any other coworker or friend #tlg are a special case and it definitely wasn't like scully cuz they're bros #as much as they can be anyway #mulder and scully #dana scully #fox mulder #txf txt #the x files

[thebeautifulfantastic]

The X-Files Season 2: Irresistible (1994) // Vance Joy, Solid Ground // Susan Sontag // Yara Bashraheel

“Is it your partner? Is there a problem with trust?”

Are you okay, Scully?

“I don’t want him to know how much this is bothering me. I don’t want him to feel like he has to protect me.”

I’m fine, Mulder.

#irresistible is one of those episode that really *stayed* with me yknow? #and i had this song on repeat for days because… well i was going through a rough time and i needed it #and the two combined into a web weaving with a few extra quotes thrown in #(this was the idea i had when i posted the other day about wanting to try my hand at a web weaving) #so yeah. #i made a thing #i just feel like the ep has a lot to show about the state of their partnership at the time #and scully’s mental state and how hecking Hard it is to start being vulnerable #the x files #msr #dana scully #fox mulder #txf s2 #irresistible #txf #x files #mulder and scully #mulder x scully #web weaving #belle speaks #belle makes stuff #<- tryna settle on a tag be like #tuserlanie #userscully #userveronika #usermoody #dailytxf #txfedit #mine

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

Whumpay Day 28: "I'm about to pass out"

during Unruhe | @today-in-fic @whumpay2022

Scully wavers as she exits Schnauz's trailer, the clear sunlight sending what feels like a red-hot spike through her skull. Would an icepick through the eye have felt like this? It's the side affects, aftereffects, of the mishmash of medications Gerry had given her; a bone-deep ache and waves of dizziness washing over her. She looks at the ground, tries to steady herself.

"Are you okay?" Mulder asks, suddenly at her side, and she can't deny that she's grateful. Her heart is still pounding with fading terror, and the way he touches her waist reflects the same in him.

She starts to shake her head, but winces at the pain and instead just utters a small, "No." She's not alright. She wants to sleep until the drugs are out of her system, but isn't sure that's safe. She wants to not be afraid anymore.

Mulder leans down so he can see her face and she can't help but relax; he's blocking the light and easing some of her pain. On the other hand, it only makes her more aware of how shaky and dizzy she is. "You should get checked by the paramedics," he says carefully, like he thinks she'll argue. She tries to take a step, though in what direction she isn't sure, but has to catch herself against his shoulder.

"Mulder," she whispers, suddenly feeling very small, "I think I'm about to pass out."

The last thing she registers as the dizziness and drug-induced exhaustion take her over is Mulder's arms coming around her to break her fall. The first thing she registers a few minutes later, coming to with a paramedic checking her over, is also Mulder, his lips pressed to the top of her head and one hand stroking up and down across her back. He's still holding her, and she can't help but be grateful, for both their sakes.

She'd heard the desperation in his voice screaming her name earlier, when they'd both thought he would be too late to save her, and she hears the gentleness now as he whispers I've got you into her hair, and for the first time, she realizes he might love her.

#listen... she's tiny #the lady in the cold open took a minute to go under from the drugs but scully instantly goes down #idk man just. this episode is a lot. their mutual desperation and mulder pulling her up gets to me #sometimes... scully has to be forced to be vulnerable in order to see the truth right in front of her #(which is that she loves mulder and he loves her just as much) #(scully realizing that maybe he loves her?? hnnnsnshssnsnjm) #Lu writes #txf #the x files #txf s4 #dana scully #fox mulder #msr #msr fanfic #whumpay2022

[davidtennantpussytulpa]

scully feeling so stuck in place and continually used by, taken for granted by, under the thumb of every man in her life even and especially by those she loves and trusts the most that she gets an ouroboros tattoo to externalize and reclaim this feeling of helplessness only to put it in a place she cannot see so she is STILL not in control.

#not even to mention like. in the fucking PILOT. thats the exact place that she had mulder examine for marks bc she couldnt see them #which was the first moment of bonding and vulnerability for her with him……. #and now it just feels like she has given him all of this vulnerability that he hasnt done anything with to support her. #and in every moment where he needs her she is there. and she cant even get a DESK without him dismissing her feelings and making a joke……. #its SICK i tell you. SICK #women should be given psychic powers to blow up men at will #x files

[observeroftheuniverse]

Started a new playthrough of Fallout 4 with my wife, and we made our player character Mulder.

We had and romanced Cait as a companion, and it made me really want to see an MSR AU with Mulder as Sole Survivor and Scully as Cait.

But I'll be damned if I write it.

#Fallout 4 #cait fallout 4 #Fox Mulder #MSR AU #X Files AU #in general Cait and Scully are super different #but they're both independent and headstrong #and there's just something about how taken aback Cait is when shown any kindness that I... #kinda love? #It just makes me want to see that mapped onto Mulder and Scully with caring tender Mulder #and tough yet vulnerable Scully #if that makes sense #idk

[carefulfears]

thinking tonight about how much has been written over the past 30 years about the x files' subversion of gender roles, mulder as a 90s sci-fi hero who is the more emotional and open of the two, who cries on screen regularly, who is empathetic to a fault and deeply devoted to helping the vulnerable. scully as the rational one, the science brain, the person who is taken seriously. the unique view of a relationship to the paranormal and occultism, which, from its rise in the 1940s, was originally viewed as feminine and something irrational that women were comforted by. and how all of this is true and interesting but, to me, none of it is the biggest marker of gendered experiences in their characters.

at the end of the day, their characters both respond exactly as men and women in our society do, in the ways that they respond to violence.

mulder, in his mid-20s, started at the FBI working in the violent crimes division

where his profiling abilities, his way of being able to get into the mind of a killer, were revered

it's also where, in his words, he first saw monsters.

this show always deeply understood that the scariest monsters were not the vile creatures, they were violent men, and some of the most memorable villains on the show (john lee roche, luther boggs, john barnett) are resurfaced serial killers that mulder previously caught in his violent crimes days.

but mulder's background is in behavioral science, and he always wants to understand what makes someone how they are

and his positive worldview requires him to view every act of evil as the consequence of a larger cause, as not being senseless

which is why he wants to believe that men who are killing women are only doing so out of a biological imperative to survive

or out of a misguided attempt to SAVE them

meanwhile, scully is affected by the brutalization of women on an emotional level.

she hangs back at the crime scene and the police station to compose herself, while the men she's working with march up to a woman's desecrated corpse

she knows that even when mulder is right, even when the killer is acting out of a biological need for survival

that doesn't make it any better

because the impact on the women that he brutalized is more than physical, it's more than biological, it's more than any rational reasoning that he might have behind why he did it

she knows that it doesn't matter

and she doesn't need to try to understand. she doesn't need to know what the killer's reasoning is.

she already knows why men brutalize women

she's experienced it, she doesn't need to study it.

(you can read the second part of this post here)

#nurse she's out again #anyway #just something i think about #txf #the x files #fox mulder #dana scully #kae meta

[pennyserenade]

power dynamics and the way the x-files pilot subverts and meets our expectations of them

in the pilot, what we learn of mulder, we first learn through scully. she laughs, almost girlishly, about the reputation that precedes him, only concealing her joy when she realizes the others in the room are not in on the joke. these men are solemn, not because they don’t agree about the nature of agent mulder, but because mulder is no laughing matter to them; he is a threat and scully - notably religious, the cross on her neck, scientifically driven, and hopelessly young - is the weapon they hope to aim in his direction. on the outside, she is the perfect candidate: honest, intelligent, skeptical. this, they are sure, is the answer to their long standing problem.

from the beginning we get a sense that there is an imbalance placed between mulder and scully. in the next scene, it becomes visual: when mulder meets scully, he is hunched over photos, sitting in a chair. she is the taller one, the one with nothing to lose, and he is the man they’ve thrown in the basement, hidden away like the joke she’s preemptively laughed at. it is important that we meet him as a man leaning, almost protectively, over his vulnerabilities: his work.

but then he stands and he brings up her thesis. she has rewritten einstein, an act unfathomable and crazy in its own right. mulder does not wish to go down without a fight; he challenges her immediately, like he’s been waiting his entire life for this moment. he calls her “scully,” puts a professional distance between them, while also making the most of her medical and scientific advice. though he stands taller than her physically at this point, he doesn’t ever aim to reach above her. mulder is not interested in the ‘90s workplace misogyny, invalidating her simply because she’s been sent to debunk his own work. he only wants her to understand. for a moment, they become equals. he even makes a joke of himself, asking her if she believes in extraterrestrials bemusedly. whatever advantaged he has over her physically, he begins to concede in this initial meeting. he wants equality; he wants understanding. nothing more.

this visual imbalance is important, and we find ourselves returning to it in the airplane. as they travel to the plausible state of oregon, mulder lays on his back and scully sits across the aisle from him. again, she is sitting taller than he is. his vulnerabilities are still out in the open. a casefile - his work - sits in her lap, and he lies with his body turned away from her, his eyes closed. they don’t ever reach equal playing grounds in this scene, because they are ascending on his life’s work. he is operating on the belief that she’s been sent to debunk everything he believes in, and we as an audience can’t be too sure she’s not.

then the airplane shakes, tips, and, for a moment, provides us with a physical unbalance. it is the tilting of the scales. he turns to her with a wide grin after. she looks visibly disturbed. he is still lower than she is—but it seems he’s got the upper hand as he cracks a joke. we learn of mulder as a man confident in the face of his trials and tribulations. the lack of power does not rob him of him of his beliefs, but simply reinforces them. it is scully who is shaken. the power does not make her confident or certain. maybe, we begin to suspect, it isn’t meant to belong to her. maybe he is reading her wrong.

in the car, they are back on equal grounds. he is guiding her through the case details, making glib remarks, and she is asking him about the details. the radio goes wonky, they get out, and he paints the road orange. he doesn’t tell her why. he won’t. she looks almost girlish, standing there, clueless, with her hands on her hips. it is he who gains the power in this moment, taller, in the know. he is less concerned with equality than he is the protecting of his work and his beliefs. he doesn’t look to knock her down, but he’s not interested in lifting her up.

the next time the visual imbalances are most interesting is when she comes to his hotel room. perhaps this is the most notable of them all. initially, scully comes to his room because she is terrified about the marks on her back. he towers over her in the beginning of this scene, but it is not long before he is on his knees, inspecting her. she is so scared of something she claims she doesn’t believe in, and he has every right to stand back and laugh at her. but he doesn’t. he does laugh, but its not malicious; it’s kind. he tells her about his own bug bites and when he does stand back up, she crashes into his arms. he holds her. if he’s got the power in this scene, he is not interested in using it against her. he is taller and she is more vulnerable in every way, but he seems surprised by it. this is a beautiful segue into the next scene.

mulder sits on the ground and tells his barest truths. scully got naked and scared for him, and he sees fitting that he do the same. she sits on his bed, higher than he is, and he takes the ground. he talks about the sister he can’t find and how it ruined his family, and how he can’t get to the information he wants. he accuses her of being a spy, and she tells him that she isn’t.

in a moment of absolute trust, he rises to his knees. they become equal, seeing eye to eye. he tells her about the hypnosis, the drive he feels, how this is more important to him than anything. and it is so earnest and intense, so absolutely serious, that we must be saved by a ringing telephone to escape it. this sets the groundwork for the rest of the series, and the foundation for mulder and scully’s relatjonship as a whole. they become partners—he allows for this in this scene. he wants to believe her.

the power dynamics between them have been constantly challenged, and at times, have subverted our expectations. we watch as mulder, often times the taller one of the pair, seeks to bring he and scully to equal playing grounds. we watch as scully, the one who is offered many opportunities to have the upper hand and the power, stumble her way through it or put herself in a position where she loses it. mulder and scully, we learn, are best when they are equal, seeing eye to eye.

#x files analysis #x files #fox mulder #dana scully #x files rewatch.

[unremarkablehouse]

Respite

PG |MSR URST| WC 1183| AO3

Tagging: @today-in-fic

Summary: Set during S2 Little Green Men, Scully takes Mulder to a motel in Miami to recuperate after they flee Puerto Rico. Once he’s recovered from the dehydration she has some questions regarding his mysterious lunch date.

The air conditioner buzzed in the dark hotel room, blocking out the Miami heat but blowing the blinds just enough to let slithers of light in. He should be sleeping, between the dehydration and the state he was in when Scully found him, a hospital stay with some fluids would have been the smarter choice. Then again, if Mulder had made smarter decisions he wouldn’t be lying in a budget motel with his favorite redhead using his chest as her own personal body pillow and taped evidence of UFOs.

“You’re not sleeping? Are you feeling nauseous again? Drink your fluids.”

Mumbled from his chest Scully blindly reached for his Gatorade concoction on the bedside table and pushed it on him. With a slight chuckle, Mulder obediently drank, he knew not to argue with a sleepy Dr Scully, especially seeing she had just saved his life and risked herself for no other reason than to help him.

“I’m okay Scully, the sunlight just woke me up I think. Go back to sleep.”

Putting the empty bottle on the bedside table, Mulder gently stroked Scully’s hair and let out a yawn. ‘Why did she come?’ His brain was now fixated on that question and he couldn’t stop churning it over in his mind. They were no longer Partners and he had not been a particularly good friend to her since The X Files was shut down.

“Mulder, what’s wrong? You’re tensing up, are you feeling nauseous?”

Sitting up to look at him, Scully inspected his pupils, gently running her hands through his hair more than was medically necessary.

“Why are you here Scully?”

Scully’s eyes crinkled in confusion and a frown formed on her lips.

“I was worried about you. I didn’t know what trouble you got yourself into- I just thought you might need me.”

Grabbing her hand with his Mulder slowly made eye contact with Scully, letting her see the vulnerability in his eyes without the usual mask of deflection he normally wore as a defense mechanism.

“It’s been a long time since I’ve had a friend like you- if ever. Scully, I’m sorry I’ve been an ass, I didn’t want to risk something happening to you. It was stupid, thank you for being here.”

Nestling back down on Mulder’s chest, Scully made herself comfortable as she replied.

“You’re welcome Mulder, but no more clandestine outings in D.C ok?”

“Fine.”

“Your heart rate has slowed down and your breathing is a lot less labored now, I think the hydration solution is working.”

With a smile Mulder scoffed.

“No, I think it’s just having you here. For the first time in months I feel this overarching sense that things are going to be okay. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I also have this strange urge to protect you.”

With her eyes still closed, a feint smile was the only hint that gave her amusement away.

“That’s not surprising Mulder, studies have shown that our bodies are wired to respond to physical contact after a traumatic event, the autonomic nervous system floods the body with hormones to help deactivate the flight or fight reflexes. As for the impulse to protect me, I assume that’s just a latent Neanderthal complex.”

Mulder’s body vibrated with a chuckle, holding Scully closer to him as he replied.

“Keep talking like that Scully and I won’t be clubbing you and bringing you back to my cave.”

“Don’t worry Mulder, if someone breaks in here you can flail at them with your club while I grab my gun and shoot them.”

“My protector!”

A silence fell over the room and Mulder marveled at how much he missed this playful banter with Scully. Her sharp wit always kept him on his toes he mused, as he brushed an errant strain of hair off her face.

“Speaking of potential threats Mulder, you got a call from a woman while I was at your apartment. She seemed pretty mad; you stood her up for your lunch date?”

Scully was proud that her voice had managed to make her inquiry sound casual, but she was very interested in the details. Mulder tried to fein obliviousness for a moment but the moment he looked into Scully’s sharp eyes he knew she wasn’t buying it and crumbled.

“Oh, that was Becky from forensic accounting.”

This got Scully’s attention and she bolted upright.

“Wait, you asked Becky out?! You know she stole my lunch Mulder!”

Trying to hide his amusement at Scully’s reaction, Mulder held his hands up in defense.

“It was just yogurt-”

“It had my name on it and she ate it in front of me! What kind of person does that? Seriously, of all the people at the FBI, I can’t believe you asked her out.”

Scully punctuated her rant with a hard shove on Mulder’s shoulder, and moved away from him on the bed. With a glare she violently grabbed the pillow under his head and took it for herself as she turned her back to him. With a hard thud Mulder’s head hit the bed, and he couldn’t help but be amused by Scully’s reaction, he liked that this bothered her. Rolling over to invade Scully’s space, Mulder tried to gently touch Scully’s arm but she pulled away dramatically.

“It’s not like that Scully. I needed a cover for my trip, so I asked her to lunch to throw anyone off the trail because she's not discreet and would tell half the Hoover building we had plans.”

Mulder rolled back, lying flat on the bed and letting his words sink in.

“Wait, you asked her out to lunch knowing you were going to stand her up?”

“Well, you told me she stole your yogurt- ”

“Mulder! She sounded really pissed, what are you going to say when you see her?”

“I’ll say ‘sorry’, and if that doesn’t work maybe you can shoot her?”

“Deal.”

With a chuckle Scully handed Mulder back the pillow and resumed her position of lying on his chest. It took only seconds for her to start feeling the sweet pull of sleep calling her.

“Hey Scully-“

Knowing he wouldn’t stop unless she acknowledged him Scully uttered a reply.

“Yeah…”

“I love you.”

“Thanks Mulder. Maybe, I’d love you more if you shut up so we could get some sleep.”

With a snort Mulder acknowledged her request but she could feel he wasn’t finished yet.

“Can you get me the 2inch player from Quantico Monday? I want you to be there when I play you back what I heard, it was crazy!”

“Yes Mulder, but don’t get your hopes up, there was a lot of electrical discharge in the room. We don’t know if the recording was ok or what we can even do with it.”

“I know, I just want you to hear it.”

“Mulder. Sleep.”

“Fine. At least I know not to eat your yogurt.”

“Don’t make me shoot you.”

And with that they both fell into a heavy sleep, their bodies strung out on adrenaline, needing to fuel up for whatever awaited them at home.

#txf #the x files #msr #fox mulder #dana scully #txf fanfic #the x files fanfic #little green men

[ouroboroscully]

one of my (many) favorite things about scully is her treatment of children. in her role in the fbi she encounters multiple children with extraordinary cognitive and/or physical abilities (some of these children are even her own) but unlike the many other adult figures who would like to take advantage of, capture, abuse, objectify, etc. these children, scully never loses sight of their humanity. scully is so wonderfully developmentally appropriate with them. children are not tools or toys or objects to her. she does not adultify them or treat them as disposable when they are hurt or vulnerable. when she sees gibson praise passed out in the backseat of her and mulder’s car with a bloody bandage on his head she gently places his head on her lap, she says “sorry, sweetie.” when emily is getting scanned in the hospital and is frightened, scully talks to her soothingly, maintains eye contact with her.

this is so foundational and essential to scully’s character. she loves and respects children and their role in the world just as they are, with or without something they can provide or produce or contribute. she is disinterested in the power that can be gained from controlling and harming them. when faced with the chance to obtain the so-called “key to everything” through a child encountered in her work in the x-files or ensure to the best of her ability this child gets to live out the rest of their life free and safe and nurtured, scully will always choose the latter.

#my child welfare and x files special interests continue to converge in the best of ways #txf #dana scully #scully #the x files #gibson praise

[television-overload]

of our own making

(an X-Files fanfic)

Chapter 10/34 - new years rockin' eve

[Read on AO3]

After the pleasant, downright normal Christmas they'd had, Mulder wasn't surprised that their New Years Eve was spent being chased by zombies like something out of one of his bad horror flicks.

He did, however, get to spend it with Scully, which was all he really could have asked of the day.

Their first few days back at work had been pretty run-of-the-mill. The traffic in the hallways was a little lighter, with some agents taking additional days off until after the new year. They used their slow days to complete the adoption paperwork and send it in, which allowed them to put it out of their minds so they could finally focus on work.

Aside from Skinner briefly asking in passing if they'd actually done it (trying his hardest to appear only mildly interested), it was easy to forget the monumental step they'd taken over the holidays. Their rings remained safely tucked under their clothes while on the job, but when he was at home, Mulder liked to wear it in its intended place, finding it helped him focus his thoughts when he twisted it idly on his finger.

A mangled arm was a small price to pay for ringing in the new year with his partner by his side, all things considered. A happy ending for all, most especially for Frank Black and his daughter.

Scully watches as the older man wraps the girl in his arms, burying his face in her hair. It's a sweet sight, but something about it makes her grow pensive, her expression darkening.

“What kind of world would we be bringing a child into, Mulder?” she asks quietly, unable to tear her eyes away from the little family as they leave the room hand in hand.

Her words surprise him in their negativity, drawing a halfhearted chuckle from his throat. “Correct me if I’m wrong, Scully, but adoption usually means we’re getting a kid that’s already in the world, doesn’t it?

Her shoulders deflate a little and she casts an unamused glance in his direction, looking far more vulnerable than she typically allows herself to be.

“You know what I mean.”

He does. Of course he does.

“Well, it’s the same world people have been bringing children into for millennia,” he reasons. “And now we’re about to be in a whole new one.”

He nods back at the TV screen, tuned in to Dick Clark's coverage of Times Square. All those people, completely oblivious to the dangers lurking in this world that defy logic and reason. Zombies are the last thing on any of their minds as they count down to the new year. 

“But I believe mankind, in its essence, stays the same,” he finishes.

He'd faced this question months and months ago when Scully had asked him about IVF. Was this a life he could bring a child into? Was he a person worthy of being a father, even if only by genetics? The conclusions he'd come to had not been arrived at lightly.

“We can do this, Scully,” he says, softer. Sure. “We might have to make some changes, but… when it comes down to it, you and I are no different than anyone else wanting to raise a child.”

She gives him a disbelieving look, her eyebrow quirking into the air. He knows what she’s thinking; The reanimated corpses they'd just encountered would like a word.

“No, think about it,” he continues. “What's the one thing all parents—well, the good ones—have in common?” His question is semi-rhetorical, and she doesn't seem inclined to respond, so he answers for her. “They want what's best for their children, and they do all that they can to provide it to them because they love them. Now, I don't know about you, but I'm pretty willing to do just that. And I think you are too, if these are the things you're worried about.”

Scully sighs, looking up at him from beneath her eyelashes. “Mulder…”

“I promise to protect you and any children we may acquire from zombies and all other supernatural forces of evil, okay? Is that what you want to hear?” he adds, his joke finally drawing a smile out of her.

“Don't call it 'acquiring,’ Mulder,” she says with a breathy laugh. “That's weird.”

With the mood successfully lightened, he turns his attention back to the TV, where Dick Clark is beginning to count down.

“The world’s a-changing, Scully,” he says as he moves closer, tilting his head up to watch the broadcast. She mirrors him, standing close by his side.

“Thirty seconds, now. Thirty,” Dick Clark announces as the camera hones in on the Times Square ball, lit up in bright colors as it begins its descent. “Hug your friends and loved ones tight. What the heck, whoever that person is next to you. No time like the present!”

Now there's an idea…

“Here we go!” the announcers chant.

Ten!

Mulder looks down to his left. Well, she is standing next to him, after all. Why not?

Nine.

She's smiling. She has a beautiful smile, too. He's always thought so.

Eight… Seven… Six…

New Year's Eve is plausible deniability, right? If this doesn't work? Maybe there's a written rule somewhere he can check…

Five, four.

Well, it’s not like they haven’t done it before…

Three. Two.

Is this a stupid idea?

One.

Without further ado, Dick Clark's voice cheers, “Happy New Year 2000!” and Mulder makes his decision, leaning toward her with purpose. No turning back now.

She catches him at the last second, and by then it's too late to play it off. The only option is to follow through.

And follow through he does.

His eyes flutter closed as his lips make contact with hers, their touch light and tentative as it had been in the courtroom just a week before, only this time, he waits a moment longer to pull back. Her hand reaches up to cup his cheek, and it immediately sends his heart pounding into his throat, and he finds he can't speak. Auld Lang Syne is playing, but the sound fades from his ears.

The only thing his senses can hear, feel, taste, smell, is her.

When he opens his eyes again, she is staring at him, an unreadable expression on her face. Her hand hasn't moved, and neither does he.

“I—”

“Mulder, I—

Whatever words he was trying to conjure to explain himself die on his lips in an instant, and he can do nothing but gape at her. The air feels charged, and all at once he wishes he'd never done it and that he'd done it years ago.

His eyes flick down to her lips and then back to her eyes, desperate to know what words will come out of them next.

“I– got a call from the adoption agency,” she finishes, and his thoughts come crashing back to the present, his heartbeat pounding at an alarming rate. However he'd thought she might finish that sentence, that wasn't it. 

She's looking at him though, worry flickering in her eyes.

“Th– the adoption agency?” he asks, his good hand slackening its hold on her lower back.

She nods.

“What did they say?”

Suddenly he feels nauseous, like maybe the mixture of zombies, drugs, and potentially life changing news was a little too much for his stomach all in one night.

“They… said that our application looks good, and they want to schedule a preliminary interview.”

At this, even his fingers on his injured arm have to reach out to her, brushing against the fabric of her shirt at her waist and stretching his sling to its limit.

“What?”

She nods again in confirmation, looking equal parts scared and excited.

“Scully that's– that's great news! It's good news, right?”

He doesn't know what he'll do if she gets cold feet now. A crushing blow like that isn't exactly how he'd like to start out this century, much less the millennium. 

Her hand drops to his shoulder and she smiles, holding tight to him.

“It's good,” she confirms, though a trace of doubt still remains in her voice.

He pulls her into a hug, resigning his poor limp arm to be stuck uncomfortably between them, but otherwise holding her tight.

“Mulder, we're actually going through with this?” she asks into his shoulder.

He nods emphatically, a wide grin stretching his face. “Heck yeah, Scully!”

“They could still tell us no.”

His little pessimist. Good thing he's got enough belief for the both of them.

“Not until they've seen us and we've pled our case,” he says, pulling back to look at her. “Call ‘em back and make an appointment!”

Tears begin to pool in her eyes and she nods shakily again. “Okay,” she says, and releases his shoulder to wipe the wetness beneath her eyes. “Okay, I’ll– um… I’ll call them tomorrow.”

He wants to kiss her again. He wants to so bad, but he doesn't. Emotions are understandably high, and this entire situation is so confusing and complicated already, that he's not sure anymore where they stand.

One day, he thinks. One day he'll find the courage.

“Hey, Scully,” he says instead, placing his hand on the back of her neck to capture her attention. 

She looks up at him tearfully. He shrugs and smiles goofily, relief and hope shining in his eyes.

“The world didn't end.”

~~~

Should I? Oh, why not. One more chapter. It's the weekend.

Chapter 11/34 - confessions

The interview with the adoption agency is scheduled for Friday of that week, which Skinner happily approves time off for. That leaves less than six days to prepare, and Scully busies herself with making sure they have everything they could possibly need to maximize their chances.

The night before the big day, Mulder is ordered to come over for a last minute study session (not that he would have been unwilling if she’d asked nicely, but with the stress she’s under, it comes out as more of a command). It feels like Arcadia again, going under cover, making sure they both have their stories straight.

Only this time, their cover is more or less their real life, give or take a few necessary oversimplifications.

“So, we’ve covered employment, medical history, familial relationships…” Scully lists, kneeling beside an array of papers spread out on her coffee table. “Am I leaving anything out?”

She bites the tip of her pen, glancing over her notes with her brows furrowed in thought. Reviewing this stuff could mean the difference between a happily ever after and rejection, that’s the scariest thing. She just wants to be thorough, and Mulder—bless him—has humored her thus far, answering questions, finding solutions to explain their… less than ordinary pasts. 

It takes her a moment to notice when he doesn’t immediately answer, the silence dragging on just a little too long. Her first assumption is that he’s fallen asleep—which she wouldn’t blame him for if he did—but that assumption is quashed the moment she looks up at him on the couch, the serious expression on his face instantly shifting the mood.

“Mulder?” she asks, a worried crease appearing on her forehead.

"You know, we never talked about it," he says quietly, carefully, glancing across the coffee table at her. “Not really.”

"About what?" She’s starting to get anxious.

"The IVF."

And there they are, the three letters that still fill her stomach with dread and immense sadness anytime she hears them.

I. V. F. 

"Mulder..." she starts, but he only leans forward, reaching out across the coffee table for her hand.

"I want to. I really do, Scully. I need to talk about it. It could come up tomorrow."

"I don't really like... thinking about it,” she says softly, wanting desperately to look away from the pleading expression that she knows she can’t say no to.

"I know. But don't you think we should?” he argues. “I mean, we can't brush it away like it never happened, Scully, I won't do that. It was important to me."

She doesn’t want to hear this. Her heart twists painfully, and she slams her eyes shut to lock down the tears beginning to form, shaking her head. Sure, she knows he’d wanted it back then, had hoped it would succeed. But it’s too late. It’s in the past, and she’d like to leave it there, if at all possible. To hear him say, in as many words, exactly how much he’d invested emotionally in those tiny embryos…

She doesn’t think her heart can take it.

"Since when do you like talking about things like this?" she asks, trying once to pull her hand away. “Things that… cause you pain?”

He clings on tighter, rubbing soothing circles on the back of her hand with both of his. "I can tell you the exact moment, Scully, and it’s when you knocked on my door in a dingy motel room and asked me what those bumps on your back were."

His earnest words stun her into silence.

Rain on the windows. A story of tragedy and determination. Honest words coming from the lips of a man she’d met only days before.

That trust had been there from the start.

He stands from his place on the couch and circles the coffee table, carefully pushing aside the papers in front of her to make a space for himself to sit. "The past hurts, but somehow—” he continues, “somehow you make it easier to face. To me, at least."

She sighs, turning her head so that she can muster enough strength to answer his heartfelt plea. Articulating something like this is not her strong suit, but for him, she’ll try.

"I– I've never wanted anything more in my life,” she breathes, the admission one she has never spoken aloud. 

It’s the truth, though, and he knows better than anyone how difficult that is for her. Scully is not one for dreaming big, expecting rich blessings from the earth or her life. She, like him, has grown used to being disappointed, to having the things she wants taken away from her. He could make an itemized list, if he wanted to, of all the ways they’d been let down. Even the expectation of a clean, comfortable motel room has been slowly drained from her, and yet she had still allowed herself to hope in this.

“You know, for a minute, I really did think it had worked, that I was—" She pauses, leaving the word pregnant to hang in the air. Instead, she takes a shaky breath and continues. "Do you remember that day I got sick in the car on the way to a crime scene?"

She doesn’t have to specify which one, because it had only ever happened once, that was what was so odd about it.

"I thought that was it,” she says, “I thought that maybe—"

"I thought the same thing," Mulder cuts in.

Of course he had. She’d guessed as much that day, too, between bouts of heaving into a plastic bag in the front seat of their rental car. 

The way he treated her extra carefully, taking turns slower, making a point to turn on the blinker with every lane change on the highway, stopping at a gas station for some ginger ale… She had allowed it all, too—the special treatment—because what if she was? She couldn’t risk it until she knew for sure. If that was her only chance…

Her lower lip trembles and she ducks her head. "I tried to keep my expectations low, but..."

His finger lands on her chin, tipping her gaze back up to face his.

"It would have been pretty cool, huh?” he says, offering her a small smile for comfort. “Can you imagine telling Skinner out of nowhere that we combined our DNA in a petri dish? I think the vein in his head might have actually burst.” He laughs, and is graced with the smallest of smirks for his efforts.

"I'd have these dreams,” she continues. “What our baby might look like, what personality they'd have. Whether they'd… be more like me or like you."

His lips. Her hair. His passion. Her scientific mind.

"Well, hopefully you,” Mulder speaks, smiling at the thought. “I think you've got your hands full already with one of me. There are many who would say you were crazy even to ask me in the first place."

She looks up at him with her head tilted, her eyes softening.

"I knew what I was doing."

She can tell by the way he brushes off the compliment that he doesn’t believe her, so she doubles down.

"I'm serious, Mulder. You're brilliant, imaginative, bold, caring... I wouldn't have chosen you if I didn't want my child to share those same qualities."

She loves Mulder. She loves every infuriating little thing about him. She'd have been lucky to have a son or daughter with his kind, gentle personality, his determination to keep fighting when everything in his life is telling him he can't win. Teena Mulder didn't know what she had, with Fox Mulder as a son. He should have been loved, cared for, nurtured, supported all his life. Instead, Scully has the sense that the first and only person he has trusted to give him all that is her, and that is not a responsibility she takes lightly.

"I pictured this little boy,” he says, his lips curled in a sad smile as he speaks. “Dark sandy blond hair with just a hint of your red. Blue eyes just like yours. Jeans absolutely filthy with dirt and grass stains on the knees."

She closes her eyes, allowing the picture to form in her mind. She smiles, but it's pained. Such a beautiful thought, never to be.

"How can I miss someone so much that I don't even know?” she asks, the hurt audible in her voice. “Someone that never existed?"

Mulder presses his lips tightly together in thought, his eyes trailing over the room. 

"They say that grief is the love we have that has nowhere to go, because that person has left us,” he starts, his voice reverent and pensive. “They never talk about how to love a person we never had in the first place, or a dream that’s just out of reach. But still, I think that love feels just as real as any other kind.”

He has a way with words, her Mulder. It has been the bane of their assistant director’s existence on numerous occasions, when such existential ponderings found their way into his reports.

But now… Well, it's just another thing she loves about him. She wonders if he's allowed himself to grieve for Samantha, or if his belief that she's still out there somewhere makes him fall into that second category.

"I just wish I hadn't put us both through that,” she says. “That I dragged you into it..."

"I'm glad you did,” he’s quick to assure. “Scully, that day you asked me was one of the happiest days of my life. The future is such a messy, terrifying thing, sometimes. You showed me that it doesn't have to be that way. That there can be hope. I'd forgotten what that felt like."

She's silent, unsure of what to say in response to that. He has all the right words, and suddenly, she has none of them.

"I don't regret it for one moment, Scully. We gave it a try."

She purses her lips, forcing back tears that are threatening to spill. "I don't think I could have done it without you," she says, shaking her head. 

"Well, obviously,” he says, the corner of his mouth quirked up in a cheeky smile.

She gives him a look. "Mulder…"

"I know, I know,” he says, turning serious again. “I'm honored that you let me be a part of it." 

That she would have let him be a part of so much more. A family. Everything, if he had wanted it.

"Well, listen,” he continues, “we ace this interview tomorrow, and we're back on track. Plenty of kids out there that need a home, right? Someone's bound to pick us."

His optimism emboldens her. "I hope so."

"We got this, Scully. They're gonna take one look at you and know for certain that you're meant to be a mother."

She distracts herself from his sweet-sounding words by focusing her attention on his loosened necktie, smoothing it down with one hand. "I'm picking out your tie,” she declares. “No alien decals or wild shapes and colors."

"I think it shows personality," he says in mock defense.

She can’t help the fond smile she flashes at him, glancing up into his eyes. "Not tomorrow, it doesn't."

-.-.-

The agency they ended up going with is out in Annapolis, so on the day of their interview, they drive out together, mostly in silence. Scully fidgets with the folder full of information and other documents they might need, picking at the corner of it while she goes over the important points in her head.

Mulder holds the door open for her when they arrive at the building, and she double checks that her ring is in place on her finger before approaching the front desk to check in. They’re instructed to take a seat in the small waiting area, and Mulder follows and sits down beside her. On the coffee table in front of them are a stack of brochures, the same one she found on Mulder’s desk what feels like forever ago. That had been the catalyst for this entire affair, and now look where they are.

She never could have imagined it.

A few minutes later, a plump older woman appears from behind a door, smiling at them warmly. 

“Alright, Mr. and Mrs. Mulder?” she says, checking her clipboard.

Scully stands, followed by Mulder. “I, uh– I go by my maiden name. Scully,” she corrects.

“My apologies, Ms. Scully,” the woman says, leading them into her office and taking a seat behind a wooden desk. 

They sit down in a pair of chairs opposite her, taking in their surroundings. There are dozens of thank you cards lined up on the windowsill behind the woman’s desk, presumably from families who have benefitted from the services offered here. It fills her with a cautious hope, though does nothing to quell the restless feeling that has plagued her since she woke up this morning. Mulder has kept his cool, so far, and she wonders how he does it.

“My name's Brenda Koske,” the woman continues, introducing herself. “I’ll be your case manager throughout this process. Should we just get right into it, then?”

They nod, unable to do any more than that at the moment.

“Okay, then,” Brenda says with a beaming smile, opening up a file folder on her desk. “So, tell me about yourselves, what made you look into adoption?”

"Well," Scully says, looking at Mulder for approval. "I– We found out a few years ago that I am unable to have children. We tried in vitro fertilization last year, but... it wasn't successful."

The woman at the desk nods and jots some information down in a notebook. Scully suspects their story, so far, is a familiar one. 

"And how long have you been together?"

Scully's mouth drops open, but she isn't sure what she'll say. Before she has a chance to stammer something out, Mulder answers, "A little over seven years, now." He’s confident. Sure of his answer, despite it being a lie, or at least an egregious stretching of the truth. 

The case manager writes down some more.

"And I see here that Ms. Scully has petitioned for the adoption of a child before. Emily Sim?" she states, checking her notes.

Scully tenses, and Mulder puts a calming hand on her knee.

"It's a long story," he says, answering for her, "but Emily unfortunately passed away from her chronic illness before the adoption proceedings could get very far."

Brenda nods. "I understand that this is a difficult subject, Mr. Mulder, I'm just trying to get all the information I need. From what I see here, this child was the biological child of Ms. Scully. I'm afraid I need more of an explanation."

She knows Ms. Koske doesn’t mean any harm by asking these questions—after all, they’d prepared for them last night. But it’s still hard to hear them come up.

Thankfully, Mulder was paying attention and is more than willing to take the lead.

"My wife was treated for her infertility by a doctor we couldn't trust,” he explains. She still finds it odd to hear him refer to her in that way, but it makes sense that he does it now. He can’t very well call her ‘Scully’ in front of the woman they’re trying to convince to give them a child. 

Now comes the next part of their explanation. 

“Her ova were stolen and used without her knowledge or consent, and Emily was a result of that. It was complete happenstance that we even discovered what happened."

"I'm very sorry you went through that, Ms. Scully," the woman says, looking genuinely sorry for her. "Quite a world we live in."

You have no idea , Scully thinks, and nods in recognition of Ms. Koske’s expression of sorrow.

"And you're married?" she asks next, her pen hovering over a checkbox on the form in their file.

"Yes, just recently,” Scully answers. The box gets checked.

"Congratulations! Why the long wait, if I may ask?" Brenda says.

“I ask myself that every time I look at her,” Mulder says while leveling her with his adoring gaze. He’s dialing up the married man act, which he is definitely within his rights to do, but it still catches her off guard. She hopes he doesn’t overdo it, risking tipping off their case manager.

"It, um– It never really seemed like something necessary for us to do," Scully answers, ignoring his sickly sweet comment and hiding her blush.

Mulder turns back to Brenda and adds, "But we figured, if adoption works out..."

"We'd like to make it as simple and straightforward as possible," Scully finishes.

"It certainly will help," the agent says, nodding as she jots down another note. "Where would the child be living?"

"I– We have an apartment in Georgetown.” Scully’s heart flutters anxiously at the close call, thankful she was able to correct herself before misspeaking.

"An apartment," the woman says as she adds that to her notes. It's impossible to tell if she means it in a good or bad way, and Scully can’t make out her handwriting enough to tell.

"I have money set aside from my father's estate," Mulder cuts in, causing Scully to look at him in confusion. "We'd eventually like to buy a house, if this works out." This wasn’t something they’d talked about in any of their previous discussions, nor has he ever mentioned it before, so she doesn’t know where it’s coming from. When she catches his eye, he gives her a subtle shrug.

They’ll have to talk about this later.

"I'll put down the Georgetown address for now," Brenda says, smiling encouragingly at them. "Just a couple more questions for now, you guys are doing great." Scully exhales in relief, her shoulders relaxing just a little. "I have to ask about your work. Your medical history tells me that your jobs put you in some pretty dangerous situations. What are your plans should a child be placed into your care?"

Mulder nods and squeezes Scully's hand, encouraging her. They'd planned for this, too.

"I plan to take a step back,” she answers, “I've spoken with our boss, and he's assured me that I could return to a teaching position at Quantico while serving part time in my current department as a consultant."

"Mr. Mulder?" Brenda says, turning to him next.

"I will be doing the same."

Scully looks at him incredulously, which the woman thankfully misses. 

"It's time for us to settle down,” he continues, avoiding her questioning stare. “I think we've accomplished most of what we set out to do with our work, and we can't keep doing it forever, especially if we want to start a family. I've talked to our director about seeking out replacements for the both of us. Someone else will take over the department, while we lend our expertise as needed to the new agents."

This is the first she’s hearing about this too, but she wisely keeps her mouth shut, letting him say whatever he needs to say. Starting an argument about this now would not tip things in their favor. 

But he can’t be serious about giving up the X-Files, can he? It hadn’t even crossed her mind to ask. Arguably the main reason he started the unit was to look into the disappearance of his sister, and that case remains unsolved. Would he just walk away? Would he resent her for it eventually, if he did? 

"I'm glad to hear you're making strides in that direction,” Brenda comments, a pleased smile gracing her lips. “I was afraid we wouldn't be able to consider your application on account of your chosen field of work, but it sounds like you’re serious about starting a family.”

She writes some more and it falls silent. Mulder wraps his other hand around Scully's, bringing comfort and reassurance to them both.

"Last thing—and I'm sorry to keep bringing up difficult topics—” Brenda starts again. “Ms. Scully, you were diagnosed with cancer three years ago. Is there any chance it could return? You understand why I have to ask, don't you?"

"Yes– I understand,” Scully nods, swallowing nervously. “Um, no, I've been told there's little reason to think it will ever come back. I've been in remission over two years now."

Brenda nods and makes a final note, her pen leaving the paper with a flourish. "That's great, I'm so happy to hear that." She closes her notebook and file and smiles. "Well, you two, it sure sounds like you're overdue for a happy ending. Hopefully we can do something about that." 

She shakes each of their hands in turn, standing up from the desk to escort them out. 

"It was a pleasure to meet you, we'll be in touch as soon as your application is approved, and then we'll start looking for potential matches."

"Thank you very much, Ms. Koske," Mulder says, the perfect picture of a responsible adult worthy of becoming a parent.

Scully mumbles her own "Thank you," too overwhelmed to manage more words than that.

Mulder places a hand on her back and leads her out of the office and into the hall, standing closer to her than he usually does when they walk this way. His neck bends so he can see her face, and he whispers, "You hear that, Scully? She said when our application gets approved!"

Scully shakes her head, not wanting to get ahead of herself quite yet. 

"She said 'as soon as', not when,” she corrects.

"Same thing,” he argues. “Come on, that went well, don't you think?"

"I hope so," she says.

His stride is confident and energetic. "It did, trust me. We had all the right answers."

"I was so nervous. I knew she would ask about my cancer," she states, shaking her head in disappointment.

"She was just being thorough,” Mulder assures her. “Cheer up, Scully, the part we had to worry about is over! I'm taking you to lunch."

"Mulder, we really should just get back to work—” Scully tries. She’s supposed to be the responsible one, after all. Reining him in. Wasn’t that why she complemented him so well?

"We're celebrating. One step closer to being parents, right Scully?"

It’s time she admits it to herself: she failed at reining him in years ago.

Now, she just goes with the flow. The best surprises are around the corner when she does so. 

She hopes that this time is no different.

~~~

Lovely tag list ♡: [if you would like to be added or removed, let me know!]

@today-in-fic @ao3feed-msr @agent-troi @angegova @baronessblixen @calimanc @captainsolocide @clo-thespin @cutemothman @danasculls @deathsbestgirl @edierone @enigmaticxbee @figureofdismay @frogsmulder @gillian-anderson-in-the-tardis @hippocampouts @invidiosa @monaiargancoconutsoy @numinousmysteries @primrose19 @randomfoggytiger @skelavender @skylarksong @stephy-gold @teenie-xf @the-redhead-in-a-dress @vincentsleftear

#msr #txf #x files #xf fanfic #mulder and scully #my fanfiction #fox mulder #dana scully #of our own making #ooom #msr adoption fic #adoption

[deathsbestgirl]

god. the thing about mulder & scully's conversations in never again, is they're having two conversations at once. and sometimes they understand that, and sometimes they don't.

scully starts by asking him why she doesn't have a desk. and mulder tells her he always thought 'that was her area.' which disappoints her. because they're not on the same page. if she had a desk & a nameplate, the x files would really be hers too. that's hard for mulder to accept because a big part of him believes she shouldn't be there. not because she hasn't earned it or doesn't deserve it, hasn't proved herself, or that she doesn't really care about the x files. or actually, yes because of those things. she has dedicated herself and lost so much, she believes in him and the work, and he can't trap her down there with him. she's supposed to move up & move on, have that normal life she sometimes thinks she wants and mulder believes she wants.

but to scully, it's like there's no room for her. she's a visitor. she doesn't have evidence of her value, to the x files or to mulder.

then he gives her the assignment, acts like her superior instead of her partner. he tells her she was just assigned and this is his life. "and it's become mine."

now mulder's insecurities come out. part of him wants her to move on, but he can't let go of her either. she's made him a whole person.

then he tells her 'maybe it's good we get some time apart' and he doesn't tell her where she's going and he knows she'll go to philadelphia. i think he kind of expects to hear from her. but he's on vacation and she's working. 'at least she's there to keep an eye on things.'

and she's bothered again when he doesn't trust her judgement. it leads her to more questioning & doubts.

in the beginning, she took him at his word. she believed him and she thought she understood. she followed him, and chose him over & over again. not just the work, she chose mulder.

when she was on her deathbed after the abduction, ahab didn't convince her to live. mulder did. she had the strength of his beliefs. in irresistible, she trusts mulder with her life. but she has to be strong for him, she can't be vulnerable. she doesn't want to be someone he needs to protect, someone he'd destroy himself for.

at the end of never again, mulder is angry & petty and he doesn't seem to get it. but i think he understands when he goes to say "yes but it's become mine." it's their work. it's their life. they belong to each other.

but he didn't say it. they both know now, but they maintain the silence.

in leonard betts, i think you can tell mulder understood more than he did at the beginning of never again. he barely voices his theory, let's her say what he's thinking. when she asks for his help, he gives it. he tries to make her laugh. in the end, he validates her. she did good work!! be proud!!

scully's fear & disquiet at the end bring us to her strength & clarity at the beginning of memento mori. mulder's validation becomes him bringing her flowers at the hospital, learning he's the only one she's called. scully held her strength to tell him the facts, so carefully of her fatal diagnosis. his questions lead them to the x files, the other women abductees they met before.

mulder bolsters her, because she isn't as strong as she appears and she has always drawn on his strength, his beliefs.

they maintained silence, but through the cancer arc, they're forced to face exactly what they are to each other, as they continue leaving it unsaid. yet they become so physical, they go further for each other than they have in the past.

in detour, scully tries again. she's not dying anymore. she's in remission, she survived and she's ready. but mulder runs into the woods chasing an x file, and we see scully settle into painful acceptance. she can't be mad. everything's different but it's still the same.

#the x files #mulder and scully #dana scully #fox mulder #txf meta #never again #leonard betts #memento mori #cancer arc #detour

[randomfoggytiger]

Diana Fowley, the Four-Poster Bed Instigator (Perhaps)

I noticed something.

Mulder had a four-poster bed with space at the top for a mirror attachment in Dreamland II (screenshot courtesy of @amplifyme)--

--the season after Diana Fowley's introduction and during her "get between Mulder and Scully on CSM's orders" arc.

Diana was supposed to be alluring, captivating, and more sexually forward, yes (script here, thank you @x-files-scripts); but she was also undeniably more dominant: grabbing his hand in The End, insisting he listen to and follow her in The Beginning, and kissing him during his most vulnerable moment in One Son.

Not only that, but after she'd exited (briefly) from his life post One Son, she reappeared in time to feature in Amor Fati's sexual-turned-domestic fantasies.

And an interesting little thing happened: Mulder was not taken aback by her striking lingerie or sudden propositions (and it's very telling that Mulder was still wearing his handcuffs during the Diana Fowley seduction scene... very telling)--

--but was shocked, jarred even, when Diana told him it was time to settle down and have a family. Mulder's reaction leads us to conclude that Diana wanting kids came right out of leftfield for him.

Amor Fati explored her from Mulder's perspective: that she called the shots in their relationship, yes (Mulder did have children with her, for example), but also that he viewed her as the sexual instigator-- seducing instead of releasing him. It further solidifies the theory that she was the one who thought up that four-poster bed (more so, perhaps, than her "loser by choice" ex.)

This might also explain why Mulder continued using the four-poster waterbed (less hassle to use than replace)

only until it sprung a leak; then bought a normal bed that did not, indeed, have four posters.

It's very, very interesting that Mulder's bedroom was shown to have a four-poster bed during the Diana Fowley arc; that it stuck around only a few episodes after that; but was ultimately written out and replaced soon after her One Son exit-- all within one season.

Very interesting indeed.

(And if that be the case, the only time Diana Fowley was in his bedroom in Season 6 was after the bed had been replaced... which is also very, very interesting and very, very satisfying: a nice, subtle way of sticking it to her, even though that was likely just a writing coincidence.)

Thanks for reading~

Enjoy!

#txf #xf meta #meta #xfiles #x-files #the x files #Diana Fowley #Mulder #was supposed to finish up the Scully Family series this week #but... I got derailed #mine #S5 #The End #S6 #Dreamland II #The Beginning #One Son #Biogenesis #S7 #Amor Fati

[platonic-activity]

Ignis Fatuus (Chapter 2)

Ignis Fatuus  (Foolish Flame)

Rating: PG, NC-17 in some chapters

Catagory: Novel, X-Files Fanfic, Diverging universe

Spoilers: Up to Amor Fati

Chapter 2

Mulder was itchy. 

His bandage probably needed to be changed. He couldn’t scratch it and the one person he needed to come over and look at it was in Chicago looking at old evidence. She was supposed to be back by now. She had expected to only be gone for two days, three max. The world moves on and Mulder sits on his couch anxious at being cooped up. He itched to shoot some hoops, go grab something to eat that wasn’t frozen dinners or toast. He was itchy to see her again. She had wrapped up yesterday morning. Was there a storm in the Midwest or something? He bounced his leg with impatience. 

He is relieved about one thing. He can no longer hear the thoughts of his neighbors. Initially, they had been so loud, both completely consumed with concerns that the other didn’t love them anymore and neither believing it should be their responsibility to make a loving gesture, terrified that it wouldn’t be reciprocated. It was enough to make him want to sob. He had taken to sleeping on his couch again to be further away from the wall he shared with them. 

Idly he mused that listening to them for two weeks taught him more than any psych class he took at Oxford. Being sick at home was enough without the mental anguish of complete strangers. 

His ability was leaving him. 

The steady decline had begun the moment he woke up in the hospital with Scully sitting next to him. Her intense concern was so overpowering and all-consuming that he was barely able to accurately asses how he felt. He hit the morphine button to escape it drifting quickly into oblivion with his soft hand clasped in his. By the time he was home a few days later, he could only sense people nearby and the strength at which he could read her emotions had dimmed. He could at least tease them apart from his own.

He was relieved. Really, he was. It was an impossible way to live. Though he would hold the few memories of Scully’s mind in his heart for the rest of his life. The moment she finally believed him he could read her mind. The immediate shocking fear coursed through her. The painful vulnerability. He hadn’t even tried to get her to stay or to reassure her. He wanted her to get to safety as much as she did. 

He wasn’t surprised when she called him later that night asking if he could read her mind over the phone.

“You can’t check my bandage over the phone, Scully.” He had teased. She was quiet. 

“Can you control it?” She whispered

What are you afraid that I will find out, Scully?

“Only a little bit. I wish I could. If I am actively thinking about something then everything else fades away but if my mind wanders even a little bit then it is there and I can’t really prepare for it or anticipate it.” 

Silence

“You believe me.” it wasn’t a question. He knew. He would love to hear her admit it, though.  

“Well, I certainly didn’t say out loud that I was hungry and that I wanted Fretelli’s pasta.” She chuffed. “And I have a sneaking feeling that if I had been facing you, you wouldn’t have responded. You didn’t want me to know, did you?”

“For one, you always want pasta so it’s not that much of a reach,” He joked, trying to lighten the mood. “I did want you to know, to believe me. What I didn’t want was to intrude upon your privacy.” He sighs. “You know, contrary to popular belief I don’t go around profiling the people in my life.” 

They had spent the next hour talking about his poor selfish tortured neighbors. It was safe territory. 

The next week became a routine for them. Scully would stop by and actively think a conversation at him. He suspects it was her way of controlling the thoughts he could read. Then she would leave quickly, only staying to accomplish what could not be done over the phone. 45 minutes later she would call. It worked… only a little. She doesn’t need to know that. 

She would check his pulse, take his blood pressure, inspect his bandage… check that he was taking the correct medications. He had always thought that his pulse was difficult to find because she often started over again. He now knows that she loses track of what she is doing because of their close proximity. Fascinating. Apparently, the skin on the inside of his wrist is quite distracting. He wonders what else is distracting about him. 

Her subconscious thoughts rise to the surface when she is counting or listening for the diastolic and systolic heartbeats. She wonders if he will ever get up the courage to kiss her. His eyes shot up at that looking at her perfectly pink plump lips. Does she know that she just thought that? He dragged his gaze up to her wide eyes. 

That night she did not call. She definitely knows he heard it. 

Itchy. Impatient. Mentally anguished. Haunted by the waves of powerful emotion he now knows exists inside of his stoic and collected partner at all times. Astounding. Perhaps more elusive than any criptid. The flashes of her eyes leading him like a Will-o’-the-wisp into certain ruin. 

He considers his limited distractions, porn, a basketball game on TV, maybe a game of solitaire… when he finally hears shuffling at his door. He listens closely to hear a knock that never comes.

#xfiles #fanfic #the xfiles #mulder and scully #Ignis Fatuus #Foolish Flame #Samantha mulder #Samantha fic #scully #mulder

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

actually I AM always thinking about that momentary look of sudden, inexplicable recognition between Scully and the Samantha clone on the bridge in End Game.

#they KNOW each other!!! #she isn't really samantha but she could have been and scully recognizes a bit of what she knows of mulder in her #and they've both been Used they've both been broken and changed in permanent ways by evil men whose faces they don't know #they're both the most important thing to mulder in that moment. #the difference is that mulder is also the most important thing to scully. #there's a little bit of truth in the lie and identity in the act. there's a bit of vulnerability and understanding in both of them. #in some ways no matter how different the color of their blood they are the same. they recognize it in each other. #they've both heard so much about each other despite the lies and twisting and conspiracies #the Mutual Recognition In The Other gets to me #Lu rambles #txf #the x files #txf s2 #dana scully #meta finding tag #samantha mulder #kinda #if someone ever made gifs of this... i would go INSANEEEEE