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lurkingshan · 11 months

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Our Dining Table and Complex Family Trauma

I finally caught up on Our Dining Table this week, just in time for the big penultimate episode. (I must give a shoutout to @isaksbestpillow here once again for giving me life with her excellent subtitles, which are so much better than the ones on Gaga). And unsurprisingly, I love love love this show. It’s just as good as everyone has been saying. I love the undercurrent of melancholy running underneath this very cute storyline. I love Minoru and Yutaka’s gentle dynamic as they become friends and then more. I would obviously throw my body in front of a moving train to protect Tane. I love Ueda, the ultimate shipper and Good Dad.

What is most on my mind this morning, however, is the reveal in yesterday’s episode about the more complicated dynamics at play in Yutaka’s family. I’ve been reading some of y’all’s posts and I understand that 1) this perspective shift is not fully elaborated in the original manga; 2) some don’t like it much because they feel it asks us to put blame on Yutaka or absolve his family of their neglect. I've been chatting a bit with friends @wen-kexing-apologist @bengiyo @kyr-kun-chan @shortpplfedup @waitmyturtles about why I don’t feel that way and I wanted to talk a bit more about it (she says as she prepares to write a thesis).

First, I think the show played fair on this. Despite grounding us firmly in Yutaka’s entirely valid perspective on how it felt to grow up in that house, we saw hints from the start that this was not as clear cut as his memories implied. We see his mom reaching out to him constantly, inviting him to come spend time with them. We see that the memories that shaped his trauma are from what seem to be his first few days with the family - when they first brought him home, and when they first sat down and ate a meal together - and that his brother Yuki was quite young at the time. We see that adult Yuki looks at him with genuine confusion and frustration when he runs into him at the grocery store, and seems to feel wronged by Yutaka’s refusal to talk to him or visit their parents. With no reason to think otherwise, you can read all of that as a neglectful and willfully obtuse family being unreasonable toward him, but the show left some gray space there so that we would be able to go back and recontextualize it when new information was presented.

Second, this introduction of Yuki’s perspective makes so much sense and makes the family backstory a lot richer. Yes, absolutely, teen Yuki was being a little asshole when Yutaka was first brought into his home. This is not surprising. He went from being an only child who was used to having his parents’ sole attention to being told he has a new little brother he has to share everything with. He was a child and he behaved childishly about it, lashing out at this poor kid who truly did nothing to deserve it. And their parents, in an effort to appease their son who they probably felt guilty toward, let him get away with it, and did not properly tend to Yutaka’s emotions or provide him with the reassurance he needed.

All of this sucks, but it’s so real, y’all. Anyone who grew up in a blended family can tell you as much. When new siblings come into the mix, whether by adoption or marriage or new relationships, there is nearly always resentment. I can recall one particularly bratty moment in my youth when after a remarriage my mom told me she was pregnant again, and because I was worried about my own prospects in life and already pissed at her for getting remarried, I said something along the lines of “we’re already poor enough, don’t you think you should stop having kids?” I said that! To my mother! I made her cry! It was horrible! And she forgave me, because she understood why I was so anxious and already carried a lot of guilt about not being able to provide for me the way she would like. Which is to say, I do not like Yuki, but I get him.

But the crucial piece here is we now know, via Yuki’s perspective and the supporting commentary from their parents, that this period of resentment only lasted a short time, and not long after Yutaka joined the family, he did accept him as his brother, he did care for him in the ways he knew how, and he did try to reach out and connect with him.

Which brings me to my third and most important point: Yutaka does carry some of the responsibility for how estranged he has become from his family, these behavioral patterns repeat in his struggles with accepting Minoru, and that is good storytelling. Two things can be true: Yutaka’s family did a poor job of making him feel loved and emotionally cared for as a traumatized child and never took the proper steps to make up for it, and Yutaka has made himself willfully blind to the love and care others try, albeit imperfectly, to give him.

Stemming from losing his birth parents and then that first bad week with his adoptive family, Yutaka fears abandonment, emotional vulnerability, and rejection, and so he rejects others first. He shut himself down to the point he didn’t even perceive it when his brother was taking care of him. He literally did not remember that happened, like his brain forced him to forget. He accepts his family’s care when it comes to material things and financial support, but won’t connect with them emotionally. He ignores his mom when she reaches out to him, blows off his dad’s birthday, and avoids contact to the point he has no idea how they actually feel about him. He isolates himself at work and in his community, living a very solitary life. All of this is deeply sympathetic, because we know he is doing it out of a sense of self-preservation and a deep fear of being faced with something that could emotionally break him.

But ultimately, this is unhealthy, and the show is very clear on this. We see how lonely and miserable Yutaka is until he meets Tane and Minoru. We see how he slowly opens up to them, how their particular style of straightforward communication, easy warmth, and gentle pushing connects with him in a way his much more emotionally staid family could not. We see how Yutaka blossoms as he essentially joins their family, but we also see how his own unresolved family trauma gets in the way. How easily he shuts down when he runs into Yuki, and how that causes him to backslide and begin pushing his new family away, as well. And we see how absolutely overwhelmed and unprepared he is to hear Minoru’s confession, how that also causes an emotional retreat, how his own fear about opening himself up to that kind of love (and therefore that kind of potential hurt) sends him hurtling back into his patterns of self-preservation.

Finally hearing Yuki’s perspective on their childhood and allowing himself to briefly connect with his adoptive family didn’t magically fix the years of neglect and hurt between them. There is a lot of work to be done there if he actually wants a decent relationship with them, and that work has to be mutual and reciprocal. But those moments of connection did give Yutaka the push he needed to examine his own perceptions and his tendency to shut people out and realize he needs to change this aspect of his behavior. If he wants to be with Minoru, and be a family with him and Tane and Ueda, and if he wants to have joy and love and care in his life, he absolutely must allow others to connect with him. Which means he has to open himself up to hurt again, because you can’t have one without the other. And at the end of yesterday’s episode, he made the incredibly brave choice to do exactly that.

#our dining table #bokura no shokutaku #japanese bl #jdrama #these shows really got me in my feelings this week #shan shouts into the void

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pleasantanathema · 3 years

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Graves into Gardens | Reiner Braun x Reader | Chapter Two

Chapter Two: Sins of the Past

Pairing: Reiner Braun x Fem!Reader

Rating: Explicit (18+ only)

Warnings: Modern AU, spoilers up to season four, slight manga spoilers (only by including characters met later), captivity, mentions of violence, mentions of character death, enemies to lovers, angst, and eventual smut (don’t worry, it’ll come sooner than you think).

Word Count: 2.8k

A/N: As promised, here’s chapter two! Chapter three will take a little longer to come your way as I have a final thesis due in a few days. Also, I promise that I’ll give answers to things that have happened in the past between Reiner and reader. Just gotta wait for the right time to reveal it all. 💕

Previous Chapter | Masterlist | Next Chapter

Reiner laid flat on his back, chest twisting with melancholy as he eyed the lazy ceiling fan. He couldn’t sleep even if he tried, not with the day’s events still so fresh in his mind. Everything happened too quickly, a whirling rush of movements and decisions that left him caught in a purgatory of past and present. When Zeke had kicked your head into the floor, Reiner instinctively put pressure on the trigger of the gun squeezed too tightly in his hand. He wondered if things would be easier if he had taken the situation into his own hands and not let you live to torment him another day.

Though, he knew the ghost and the guilt would haunt him even more than your living presence.

That saying was rolling around in his brain, the one his mother always used to recite whenever he’d get into mischief as a child, be sure your sins will find you out.

Well, they had, and one of his biggest regrets was now asking him about fucking Marco Bott. How long had it been since he heard that name? The Scouts had stopped muttering it even before the boy’s blood ran cold. He still remembered the smell of gun smoke, remembered how Bertie had fallen into his chest and cried at the horror of it all.

But there was nothing new to be said about that past, yet even still, Reiner feared that you already knew what had been left unsaid.

He hadn’t even bothered to undress, just let his weight sink into his mattress until his restlessness got the better of him. He knew his agonies would call to be smothered, that his frustrations would lead to him marching down the same hallway to face the inquiries of an equally troubled mind.

He debated going to Zeke first. He knew his comrades would still be up in the meeting room, sleep and disgust in their eyes. Last he checked in, the Chief had Bertie scribbling on the whiteboard as he threw out all the notions and ideas that they had on how to break you down, on what you could possibly know that would be of interest to them. Reiner hadn’t stayed long enough to watch the black ink dry—he didn’t want them to pry into his time with you. He’d told them just enough: you didn’t give him anything worthwhile other than admitting you might speak if you were fed information from their side as well. When he’d left, the last thing written out in bold letters was a list of lies to feed you.

Reiner was going to end this shit. One way or another, you were going to disappear from his life again; he was going to throw you back into the sea of the past where you belonged, dead or alive.

A sick pride boiled inside of him as he saw the shock and fear spread across your pretty face as he threw open the heavy metal door. Good, you should be scared of him.

He spoke your name with a bitterness he’d become too familiar with, dragging a chair from against the wall to sit directly in front of your iron cage.

He’d only been gone a few hours, yet you already looked more tired, a little more frail, like if he screamed too loudly you might melt into a puddle where you sat on the floor.

Too much time alone with nasty thoughts can make you weak, that much he knew all too well.

He cleared his throat, cracking his knuckles beneath his fist, “Listen to me. You talk now, and maybe I’ll be merciful and kill you quickly before the others get the chance to come pick at your bones.”

“You know my stipulation, Braun,” he watched your eyes narrow, determination coating your voice, “answer my question and I’ll answer yours. Let me die knowing the truth about—”

“There is no truth about Marco.”

“I know you had something to do with it. I kept finding holes in your story, and now that I know who you really are, I have no doubt that there’s something you aren’t telling me.”

An angry sigh rushed out of his nose. He didn’t know what he was thinking coming back here so soon, why did he ever suspect that you’d ease up on this issue? He should’ve known that all your disdain for him began when that idiot got himself killed.

“Marco was cute and clumsy, you know that. He was in the wrong place at the wrong—”

“No, he wasn’t!” you sat up on your knees, shackled hands shaking, “I trained that kid myself. I know he knew how to use his gear; I know he wouldn’t just…he couldn’t have gotten into that situation alone.”

“You’re running out of time. Stop wasting your breath on something as useless as Marco Bott.”

He could tell there were more words brewing in your mouth, but you were swallowing them down.

Reiner leaned his elbows on his knees, burdensome back hunching as he debated what to do here. He watched you closely for a moment, saw how you were constantly shifting your weight, fidgeting with the cuffs around your wrists. Bruises were blooming on your skin, especially around the tender flesh of your fingers where he had crushed them earlier. A vile mixture of remorse and compassion spread down his nerves at the sight of you.

“My friends don’t know I’m here,” he admitted, observing how your still brilliant eyes looked up at him.

“I was once your friend, you know.”

You spoke the words so slowly, so dolefully that he actually felt them begin to pierce at his heart.

“We were never friends.”

That much, he knew, was a lie.

━━━─── • ───━━━

“Reiner,” your tongue pressed against the back of your teeth as you stared into his golden eyes. He felt dangerous, fingers mean against your flesh, digging into your thigh, petting at the column of your throat.

But you felt protected, secure, your hands threatening to tear at the buttons of his shirt from how tightly you clung to him. You craved a comfort that you’d come to find from being pressed against his body.

“I’d kill someone for you, I hope you know that.”

You wondered if the same memory was playing in his mind, behind his older, more noble face. You felt them, the sins of your past, like a heavy string binding the two of you together in this cold room. You knew there were feelings you could tug on, emotions that could have you both tumbling to the floor and wishing that the past could be washed away. But there were too many scars, too many faults that bound you together, wounds that time could not heal.

And you knew your time was running thin.

Selfishness reared its ugly head. You wanted to live, you needed to get back to Paradis, back into the arms of the people you loved. You didn’t want to die because of your stubbornness, or out of some forged loyalty that you knew friends would even give up if it meant being together one last time.

“We know about the arms trading,” you conceded, head hanging low.

You heard his chair scrape against the floor as he sat to attention.

“How?”

You thought about all the carefully considered words that you’d played in your mind earlier. You couldn’t give too much, but you had to lay enough on the table to make yourself valuable, to perhaps make yourself trustworthy. You needed to sprinkle lies into the truth, give a little in hopes of taking a lot.

“Not everyone knows. It has been an investigative project I’ve been working on with Erwin and Miche…” you sucked in a deep breath, eyes closing, “we only figured it out because it came up as we were inquiring into the legitimacy of the President of Paradis. We’re pretty sure he’s a pawn, that there’s some untouchable group of aristocrats pulling his strings and ruling the nation from the shadows.”

You waited patiently to see if he had any remarks, but the brooding man before you stayed silent. You could feel the weight of his gaze, scrutinizing, curious, perhaps disappointed that you’d be willing to give away secrets so easily.

“That’s what you can give to Yeager. Tell him that…tell him that I’m tired of working and killing for a government that I can’t trust, whose true intentions I don’t know. Tell him I’m willing to work with him.”

“And why would he be interested in that? You’re much more valuable as an information source than an agent.”

You finally lifted your face to him then, a bold trepidation creeping over your skin.

It was now or never.

“Reiner, what I have to say next is something I’ve saved only for you. You can do with it what you will, but I beg of you, be careful with it. This could hurt you as much as it could hurt me in the long run.”

Part of you expected him to leave again, to bristle at the thought of hearing something he doesn’t want to know.

But he stayed, brows wrinkling together as he studied you before him. You felt like a beggar at his feet, spreading out all you carried in hopes that it was enough to appease the executioner before you.

“Tell me,” he demanded, “though I make no promises to keep it silent.”

You felt your courage implode. You almost wanted to gobble up your information and let it rest inside you forever to be gnawed at by your conscience.

But if there were any fragments left of the man you once knew, of the Reiner Braun who had once held you so dearly, you knew that he would latch on to your words.

“Zeke—your war chief—is working with Paradis. He’s plotting something so devious that even Erwin can’t pinpoint what it is, but we are certain he has contacts within the government that go beyond securing weapons for Marley.”

You took a moment to pause, to let what you were saying sink into that thick skull of his.

“Reiner, something seriously fucked up is going to happen if we don’t figure out what’s happening. And what’s happening is bigger than us—it’s bigger than all the shit we’ve been through. Help me, or it will be more than just me dying.”

You surveyed him as he straightened his broad shoulders, rolling them like a predator who was examining his prey. You’d just offered your life to him, held it out on willing hands with perhaps irresponsible words.

You held in a sob as he left wordlessly, leaving his empty chair behind.

━━━─── • ───━━━

Reiner sat with his arms crossed, trying to keep his face neutral as he watched Bertie haphazardly stretch his long arms across the board to erase of their previous work, writings of threaten Erwin, reveal the past of Paradis, and remove the bucket so she can’t piss all being wiped away from thought. He wondered, for a moment, if his friends were idiots, or just wasting time because they knew he’d wander back into her orbit sooner or later.

He’d come straight to them, of course, straight to his trusted comrades and announced he’d managed to pry your lips open.

Sans torture, he had stressed to Galliard.

But he had sat on the real information you gave him, letting your confessions about Zeke fester in his mind.

Part of him wanted to believe you; he’d always been wary of his superior officer, always knew that his cunning and depravity could lead them all down a path of no return one day. But another part of him thought you were toying with him, trying to manipulate his doubts and sow seeds of skepticism into his mind. You’d always been so capable of getting whatever you wanted, always had a charm for subtle exploitation.

“How can we believe any of this?” Annie berated, lighting a cigarette in the room despite knowing it was against Zeke’s rules.

“Because we know she’s close to Erwin, close to the brass that runs the Scout Police Force,” Reiner countered.

“More like she has always been up his ass, probably in his fucking bed too.”

Reiner didn’t like the image that flashed in his mind, didn’t like the thoughts of the Commander running his hands across your skin, of you tangled in his sheets. He chided himself, worried it was a jolt of jealousy, but at this point, he could never distinguish his emotions anymore.

“Annie,” Zeke hushed her, finally taking a seat at the rounded table instead of pacing a hole into the floor, “everything she has said adds up. I’ve kept our arms trading as quiet as I can, but if those little rats were going around interrogating congressmen, then it’s very possible one of them squealed on our operations just to keep their puppet president in power.”

“So, it’s true then?” Bertholdt chimed in, shaking a marker within his aching fingers as he paused from taking notes, “that the government of Paradis is basically a sham.”

“I’m afraid so.”

And how do you know that? Reiner wanted to question, wanted to prod at the smug man who was waving cigarette smoke from his face.

“So, what are we going to do with her?” Reiner finally addressed the elephant in the room, pulling at the last remaining thread to this horrible game they had gotten themselves into.

“We’ll keep using her, of course. Though I don’t think she will give anything else up so freely. We need to give her some hope that we trust her, that she’s going to live through this little nightmarish web we’ve caught her in.”

Reiner didn’t like the tone in Zeke’s voice. He seemed too relaxed, too humored by it all.

It was at this time that Pieck wandered into the room, carefully balancing a crutch underneath her arm. She was carrying that soft smile of hers, leaning against the wall momentarily before also settling at the table.

“A little birdy told me what all is going on,” she turned her grin to Galliard, whose chest puffed at his recognition, “Sorry I couldn’t make the last mission, Chief, the old leg just couldn’t handle it. But, I do have a suggestion to your little, hm, captive issue here.”

The room felt tense, everyone focusing on the small woman as her prim cheerfulness refused to fade.

“Let her free, under supervision, of course. Turn our old reconnaissance mission on its head; watch an outsider from inside our group, see if we can get her comfortable enough to open up again.”

“Yes, exactly, Pieck!” Zeke let out a hearty laugh as he smacked the table with an open palm, wicked delight brightening over his features. He ran his fingers through his blonde ponytail, like he was settling into relief.

Reiner felt his heart sink into his stomach, acid tearing at its flesh.

“And it seems we have just the man for the job, seeing that he magically got the little vexation to open her mouth.”

“No.”

Reiner gritted his teeth, jaw flexing at the thought of being your god damn babysitter.

“Oh yes,” Zeke fished around in his pocket then, pulling out a set of keys and sliding them across the table. Reiner didn’t move, just let the clinking metal fall into lap and sink into his thigh.

“Go let her out of her cage, let her know we’ve agreed to take up her offer of help, but only if she follows orders and stays in your sight.”

“Don’t you think a woman is more suited to this?” Annie chirped, carelessly smothering her cigarette out directly onto the table, hot ash settling into the grooves of oak.

“You already passed on this task, sweetheart. Besides, it seems she might find Braun a little more tolerable after all.”

━━━─── • ───━━━

And all this, all these words, all this fucking time passed, led to Reiner standing before you once again. His head rested against the rusted iron; grip so tight around the metal bars he worried he might actually bend them.

He’d relayed the messages, but ensured you that this fucking Zeke business had stayed behind tight lips.

When he opened his eyes, his vision focused on you, still sitting, an almost dumbfounded look on your tilted, tired head.

“Thank you,” you whispered to him, a sincerity he wasn’t used to pooling in his ears, dripping down his skin.

“Don’t thank me yet. There are still long nights ahead of you.”

Ahead of him, he recognized.

All he wanted was for you to disappear, to be washed away, but it seemed you were about to become a permanent stain on his life—a living, breathing body to remind him of the past he had left in the dark depths of his mind to rot.

Be sure your sins will find you out, he mused, looking at a sin that might be too tempting not to partake of.

Next Chapter

#reiner braun #reiner #reiner braun x reader #reiner x reader #reiner x you #reiner braun x you #snk x reader #snk fanfiction #snk reiner #snk reiner braun #AoT #aot fanfiction #aot x reader #aot reiner #aot reiner braun

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gofancyninjaworld · 3 years

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Underappreciated themes in OPM. 1: The Curse of Gamification

One-Punch Man is only partially a parody. At times it is a satire, and in the instance of the points-based system the Hero Association uses to manage its heroes, it is a sharp one on the subject of gamification. While treating non-games as games has been around since the 19th century, the 2010s is when it really took off, round about when ONE started writing OPM.

Since then, it’s only become more pervasive: you can set objectives, quests, and get rewards for just about anything. Eating, sleeping, completing in-work induction, delivering packages, you name it, someone has gamified it. It delivers regular little hits of gratification, bigger hits when you rank up, and rivalry when there’s a leaderboard.

The way the Hero Association has implemented it, it’s a straight up gaming system. We got introduced to their game system right at the newcomer's welcome lecture, where Snek explains that misbehaving heroes can lose points and thus rank.

How to win the Hero Association game? Well, obviously, you can gets points for fighting monsters, but that's not the only thing they take into consideration. You can get points for doing good deeds, for being active, all sorts of things. So much so that the manga notes that 'if you keep active and play to your strengths, you can hang onto quite high rankings within a class' using Mumen Rider as a poster boy for a hero who does just that.

The good thing about Mumen Rider is that he doesn't try to stop other heroes from briefly occupying rank C-1 so they have a chance to be promoted

Furthermore, the points the Hero Association awards can be divided between heroes... and the points split gets decided between the heroes themselves. This is where the likes of the Blizzard Group really come into play. However, it goes further than that: since all heroes in a group of heroes get at least some credit for killing a monster, it benefits lower-ranked heroes to hang around a powerful one. That's why the Tank Toppers get so mad at Saitama, they think he's playing the leech off the S-Class game (and doing it better than they are).

Points-chasing is so much safer than monster-chasing

What's in it for the Hero Association? By their very nature, heroes need to be highly self-directed and self-motivated people: if you don't have the initiative to find trouble and the courage to stand up to it, even if no one else has your back, you have no business being a hero. The points-based system allows heroes to more or less manage themselves, motivate and push themselves with minimal input from the Hero Association. The good side of it for heroes is that they get a lot of freedom as to how they conduct themselves, which allows some real oddballs to thrive.

There are three big problems with the Hero Association game that the story has been showing us.

Problem 0: The game itself is unnecessary. Monsters don't know and don't give a crap about how heroes organize themselves, or whether they're nice or cooperative. They only care about whether or not anyone is able to stop them. Same goes for criminals.

Problem 1: Wherever there is a game, there are people who try to win it strategically. It creates incentives to win points by means other than fighting monsters or criminals too dangerous for the police to handle. A lot of the nonsense we see, like rookie crushing, forming factions, refusing promotions to a higher class since they mean more responsibility and less recognition, chicanery, and going for cheap gimmicks to try to gain points through popularity all stem from the game.

games-playing makes a mockery of heroism

Problem 2: Picking the right fight. The special chapter 'Disaster Levels' makes mention of some heroes pushing themselves to fight high-level monsters, but Season 2's OAV 2 really hones in on that problem. We see Bang and Atomic Samurai discussing the problems with the Hero Association. They single out the Hero Association’s points-based system for especial censure, both being of the opinion that it encourages heroes to take unnecessary risks. And case in point, we see Mumen Rider and Chain n' Toad take on far too much monster for them and need bailing out. It was very good to hear Atomic scold them for relying on guts rather than making sure they also had the strength to back it up.

Taking unnecessary risks may be flashy but it's bad for hero health

Problem 3 (and the biggest one): By its very existence, it turns fellow heroes from colleagues into competitors. The webcomic is really going to town on this issue, but I don't need to go that far to illustrate it.

A system that rewards individualism makes for reluctant team-building. Nurturing leaders? That implies group-formation, so we see very few heroes lead. We see pointless divisions between classes as S-Class heroes get lionized (and over-worked), while good lower-ranking heroes get overlooked. It's a situation made even more pernicious by the Hero Association being perfectly aware that there are many promising lower-ranked heroes who could do with development.

This resentment is completely unnecessary

More seriously, it means that failures can be individualised -- it’s your fault if you’re struggling rather than the system as a whole. If you're competing, it's harder to compare notes to realise that you are all suffering in the same way. Pro-heroes are actually in a very strong bargaining position: despite running Hero Tests year round, for free, in multiple locations, the Hero Association has never succeeded in having more than 600 heroes on its books at any one time. Pro-heroes aren't easily replaced. Things like decent pay, accommodation, help with equipment, and access to training facilities should not be privileges reserved for Class A and S heroes and held out as a carrot for lower-ranked heroes. They should be a matter of course, that would make heroes much more effective. Which is what the public and major donors are paying for.

The concept of the game system with its someone-must-win-someone-must-lose ethos blocks a lot of innovation. Training: they make it a matter of duty for A-Class heroes to orient new recruits, but also having a buddy to look out for new heroes for the first few weeks would be a huge help. Having strong heroes take at least one student to bring on would make a huge difference. And someone like Bang would love it as he's always looking for dojo members. They could get rid of a lot of the infighting by getting rid of ranks within a class and instead having brackets according to how effective heroes are within that class and make it clear that there's no absolute size for any bracket: they'll leave a bracket empty if there's no one deserving of it. Anyone in the top bracket can apply to go to the next class if they can convince the promotion team that they can hack it in the next class up -- no more value in camping the top spot and trying to suppress other heroes. Better data sharing. Pastoral care: it's tough being a hero even if everything's going right, but a competitive system means that heroes hide their woes until they can't stand it any longer and quit. And so on.

If heroes are so precious, why aren't they being looked after better?

If you're looking for the thesis of this to be that gamification is bad, that's not it. Rather, it's that all things have their appropriate place and when misused, bad things happen. Gamifying running a marathon? Awesome. Be the fastest delivery man in the tri-state area? Knock yourself out. Sales targets? Fantastic! Those are situations games work very well for. Gamifying a hero group, where people should be ready to work together and help fight the increasing and increasingly complex threats that blow up out of nowhere, it's idiocy.

Idiocy the rest of the world is paying for.

#OPM #meta #gamification #the mismanagement of heroes

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mymemoirs · 4 years

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Manga Recommendation: Koroshi Ai

Entering the 9th week of self-quarantine, I can see that all of my schedules have been cleared out this week and even next week, I don’t have anything particular to do after finishing my thesis viva and revisions and it’s been two months since my last manga recommendation, so I decided why not go back to reviewing manga for all my quarantine peeps out there? ‘Cause you know, we need to stay productive and I think doing a review on things that I love is one way for me to stay productive and enjoy myself (an excuse for me to read manga).

This time, I chose a ‘manga’ which came from Japan instead of my usual manhwa recommendation cause I know that I recommend a lot of Korean comics but for the sake of diversity, I’m going to share one good comic from Japan and it’s one of my favorite too!

Koroshi Ai (Love of Kill)

To be honest, I’ve read this manga twice or thrice because the manga is still ongoing and I have such a short term memory, that I would be rereading it again after so long. But I was never bored reading it, that shows how I really enjoy this manga: I don’t mind reading it again. Koroshi Ai was written by Fe on 2015 and it’s still ongoing till today. I hope to reread it again since its been so long.

Anyway, what drew me to this manga is the theme! I have a soft spot for stories involving assassins or spies and this manga is all about it. So, just a quick summary of this manga, it revolves around two main characters called Chateau Dankworth, the female main character and Son Ryang Ha, the male character. Chateau is a bounty hunter under a company while Ryang Ha is an assassin not affiliated with any company. Both met when Chateau is doing her missions and he showed interest on her. Thus, the start of their relationship started from there and since there are a lot of surprises in this story, I won’t really tell more than that. Just a hint, their relationship goes way back before the first time she met on a mission.

Well, I hope you’re interested even with my lousy summary. I tried summarizing it without copy-paste from the synopsis. I have been doing this since my first series of manga recommendation because I wanted to practice on giving my best insight and summary for every manga I love. I hope you will like this manga just like I do! So, don’t mind my unappealing introduction and go straight for the manga! I’m kind of doing a warm-up in writing this manga recommendation since it’s been two months and I’ve not read a lot of manga during this whole quarantine.

Another side note, an obvious genre of this manga is romance, but I don’t really read it for the romance since they’re not always love dovey. In fact, they’re just like dogs and cats, you could say there is a Mr and Mrs Smith vibe from them. They’re not really the cheesy ones you read from high school romance manga but you would still love their interaction anyway. And I also love Indian-kun, the side characters, hahaha. Anyway, I hope you’ll enjoy reading this during your quarantine!

-Reina

PS. In hope for you guys to be riled up about this manga, here is a sneak peek I found!

#manga recommendation #manga #Koroshi Ai #action #romance #thriller

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dragimal · 4 years

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I’m gonna be a joyless commie for a minute, but idk how to articulate my problem here, so I’m just gonna start talking

capitalistic ideas like, “stealing is wrong under any and every circumstance and you’re a bad person for stealing,” and, “you must work to earn your right to live,” are EXTREMELY prevalent in animated media and I don’t think we like, talk abt it enough?

like even some rly RLY good stories like FMA fall heavy into that mindset, like Arakawa straight-up said in one of her notes in the manga that she enforces the idea of, “you don’t work, you don’t eat,” in FMA (and it’s hard to miss that message in the text of the manga/anime all on its own). at least w/ FMA there’s the nuance of that message coming from the worker’s perspective, and there’s real appreciation of labor and community, and the fact that labor is what keeps these folks alive and thriving, so I can see why she has that perspective given her background. but I feel like it’s still worth acknowledging that like, folks shouldn’t have to live under that kinda stress of death/ruin if they don’t work, and how harmful that message is for folks who can’t provide labor/services. but I’ve rly never seen anyone bring it up

though one of the absolute worst cases of this mindset is in Ratatouille, which is actually another of my fave pieces of media, despite it. poor Remi is literally starving at several points throughout the first chunk of the movie, and at every point he tries to snag a little morsel, SOMEBODY essentially guilts him w/ the idea of, “stealing is bad!” whether it’s his own stressed subconscious, or Linguini. the first time it was a teeny chunk of bread from a dinner party that the folks there prolly wouldn’t have even noticed missing (and prolly threw out by the end of the night b/c it was so small!!), and the second was a few herb leaves Remi swiped from a nearby restaurant that the humans there also likely didn’t even notice or miss. like get off Remi’s back, Linguini, the lil dude’s STARVING and he even took the time to cook u something nice before eating himself!

and that’s not even to MENTION all the times Remi makes the stupid argument that rats are bad for stealing from the garbage, and when his dad makes the completely fair point that humans are throwing it out, Remi’s just like, “why are we STEALING it then??” I’m gonna let my inner ecologist jump out for just a minute here, but the idea of “trash” in and of itself is a very capitalist idea (not to mention the fact that the creation of materials that simply can’t be reused/reduced within a comprehensible timeline is a p damn recent development). in reality, all things are just materials, and in nature every piece of material is useful to some part of the various nutrient/material cycles, INCLUDING food webs! like I get that Remi’s affection for human ways/ideas is a p big crux of the film’s whole concept, but it’s still v strange to me that Remi has actively removed himself from the food web he and his ilk are a VERY important part of, and decided that the material they consume is not only useless, but a sign of their low standards/society. and in terms of the social repercussions of that mindset, this just again reinforces the idea that there are certain kinds of people whose life/lifestyle designates them useless to society, thus undeserving to live unless they conform (look, I get that Remi’s arc ended w/ him choosing his own path, but his rat family was also shown to have been “civilized” by Remi, eating “properly” at a lil rat restaurant, so I can’t help but wonder 🤔 )

something else I hate abt this mindset in media is that when it isn’t actively villainizing poverty, it’s just turning it all into a joke! like I watched Brand New Animal recently, and there was this whole subplot abt this baseball team living in the slums. u’d think, given BNA’s (weak) thesis abt everyone being respected no matter their circumstances, that maybe there’d be some commentary abt class/poverty, or at the very least a heartwarming plot abt the team getting out of poverty. if the writers were RLY clever, they could’ve even used the main character, Michiru, to comment on how fucked it is to be lectured by somebody from a place of clear privilege abt what’s right and wrong under dire circumstances. but no like, the team stays in the slums, and the stealing/cheating they do to literally survive (it’s emphasized multiple times the team is on the razor’s edge of starvation all the time) is always met w/ this kinda, “tsk tsk stealing is bad!!” finger-waggling from Michiru, but no significant moves on her part to help them out or provide other options. and it’s all framed in this slapstick comedic way like, “oh look the poor character is excited over finding a 10 yen coin! oh look the poor character fell for a get-rich-quick scheme! oh look the poor character doesn’t realize bread comes with white part in the middle b/c they’ve only ever eaten the crust from the trash! ain’t that just wacky and hilarious?? well time to move on!” like what the fuck. I’m gonna start throwing bricks through the windows of every rich fuck that thought that was ok

#am I overanalyzing? MAYBE!!#will I stop? NO!!!#shut up ashley #every new instance of this shit just!! makes my blood boil #long post

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ywhiterain · 4 years

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Midoriya Izuku and Deku

I’ve seen some wank on how it’s disrespectful because Bakugo meant it as an insult and because you can make a case that prior to receiving one for all, he was disabled in context of the world of my hero academia.

I can appreciate that there is something there to both of those readings - but I think it’s a little silly to be offended at calling him Deku and insist that fans should call abide by this interpretation.

But I don’t buy it.

Deku as a name starts out as a way for Bakugo to bully him, no question. However, this shifts after Ochaco finds the name uplifting. Deku calls is paradigm shift for two reasons a) setting up Ochaco/Deku OTP b) the start of Izuku reclaiming Deku as his personal mission statement for the kind of hero that he wants to be - one who can become strong enough to save people no matter his limitations or how other people see him.

There’s a little spite in that. Deku has more edge than some people give him credit for. After enrolling in UA, being mentored by All Might, and making friends who aren’t a dick to him, he gets the nerve to stand up to Bakugo more and more. Deku is now his name, not Bakugo’s.

And, yeah, it would have been completely fine if he never did this and picked a different name. If he told Bakugo to fuck off, I’d see no problem with that.

But here’s the thing.

The central thesis is mha is ‘being a hero means getting involved to help even when you don’t have to.’ Even when it means sacrifice and harming yourself. Deku’s powers aren’t literally destroying his body for no reason - it’s a literal representation of what it means to be a hero.

Deku kept reaching out to Bakugo even when Bakugo didn’t deserve it. Even though it hurt him. And, after he’s able to gain a strong support system, it pays off.

Want to know why Bakugo had his breakdown with Deku? Because, in spite of everything, Deku cares about Bakugo. Unconditionally. Even though Bakugo doesn’t deserve it. And, in the moment that Bakugo hated himself the most, he baited Deku to fight him with more cruelty than ever before until Deku started to hit back as hard as he could, which allowed the two of them to finally talk to each other.

You can say that’s not fair to Deku. And, yeah, it’s not. But that’s what being a hero means sometimes - it means getting hurt in order to help someone else. And it’s not completely onesided because Bakugo gives back.

Bakugo is a sounding board for Deku. He’s helped eased the heavy burden Deku carries. It’s no accident that Deku gets a power up when someone blames Bakugo for All Might’s retirement. Bakugo wasn’t a fault and very thought anyone would think is so enraging because Deku knows how much it hurt his best friend.

Bakugo is always gonna be an angry asshole. But he can also be a hero and a good man. Deku’s belief in him is why he was able to make a turn around. Deku wants to inspire people, and that’s what he did with Bakugo.

At this point in the manga, I think it’s pretty clear Bakugo considers Deku his main rival and best friend. Deku doesn’t mean useless to him anymore. Deku, as a name, has fully become ‘a name of a hero’ to Bakugo.

And even if Bakugo never changed or became a villain, that would still be the case. Deku transformed it for himself long before Bakugo turned a new leaf.

I think it’s more respectful to acknowledge that Deku is name that means hero than sticking to its original intent.

Also, it’s cute.

#my hero academia #deku #Midoriya Izuku #bakudeku #katsuki bakugo #mha meta

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ghostmartyr · 4 years

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How do you think the story Will end? I read comments from Reddit and other sources that some fans want Eren to succeed to destroy the rest of the world ( if that's his actual goal), but I wonder. Would that contradict the themes of the story and send a very bad message considering the WW2 parallels.

It is quite the conundrum.

I don’t think you can unring this bell.

The manga has made it very apparent that genocide is bad.

The manga has made it very apparent that genocide is not a deterrent to more genocide.

Paradis being the last island standing, bringing the story back to these humans being the only ones left alive, carries no promise of a better world. All it means is that this is the group that had the biggest stick last.

The story can go for that, if that’s what it wants, but calling that a downer is being soft. It would be retaining the status quo in a series where the protagonists are consistently the ones who disrupt the status quo and its complacency. It continues the cycle of human beings growing accustomed to their evils until enough people are upset enough that they try to fight those evils –

Only in a world that has already made it clear that those people lose. Its thesis would become, yes, there are always people who will rise up and fight oppression. They’re just as powerless against it as the people who got used to it.

You can technically do that, but spending over a decade explaining that inaction and action are both pointless against the written-in-stone fate of humanity being awful is, uh. Dumb? Of course they couldn’t win, the author said they couldn’t? That’s not a story, that’s someone beating up their OCs for giggles and entrenched emo feelings.

Which. Valid, if you want to do that. I guess. But tricking me into being in the room for it seems rude.

More importantly, that’s just not what the story has ever been about. It has always been about the opposite of what all that just described. And how to change the world, you need to actually change things, and not just commit genocide until an outcome you find livable crops up.

So with the starting point of genocide being bad, the manga very loudly shouting how genocide is bad and will continue even after Eren, the protagonist, commits a genocide, where are we?

Stopping Eren.

Okay, cool.

Ignoring how for right now, what then?

The rest of the world just forgets how this power exists, and before Eren started using it they all voted the island off the island? After a hundred years of hating Paradis for no reason, they change their views now that they’ve been presented with an active reason? After a hundred years of persecuting Eldians in the name of a dead empire, they start being nicer to them after an Eldian tries his damnedest to create a new one?

Because what, nice Eldians exist? It was all the fault of the big bad Eren that gigantic man-eating monsters tried to destroy the world? This will have no influence over our racial prejudices whatsoever because we all know that Eren was just being a dick?

Probably not.

What else we got?

Well, we have Eren.

Who is either having the world’s most dramatic meltdown, or has a plan.

Considering he’s the one with the turn on the reality-bending superpowers right now, let’s say he has a plan, and we’re not going to reduce the plot magic to end all plot magic to a bunch of giants stomping things. Plus a decent radio.

So we have our protagonist with plot magic.

Which someone certainly needs in order to make any of this work out, because in other news, our protagonist has fucked everything up so badly that no one else can fix it at this point.

Isayama has taken too realistic a view of how people are capable of being complete bastards for this to end with Eren’s villainy uniting the world. It’s not united. It’s more angry and afraid than ever, save for the old island people Eren hated shrugging and going about their new daily life.

Again we find ourselves turning to magic for a solution.

We just honestly don’t have anything else.

So, since Code Geass is too blindingly, appallingly whatever the hell it is to be the option anymore, we turn to Eren going full Madoka.

Note how the Zero Requiem option at least had the decency of sort of explaining what the hell Eren thinks he’s doing. The Madoka option sort of shrugs aimlessly at the camera and tells you to be happy it’s better now.

Then we get into wild theorizing, and as for me, I think that Eren is going to use Paths in some way to contact the original Thing that OG Ymir met, and then force the ability to turn into a titan on every single human being on the planet.

Cue magic radio powers and Eren telling them that they’re all cursed now, and isn’t this fun.

Then he just keeps everyone on the planet a titan for a few dozen years until he’s decided that they’ll all just be grateful to be sentient when he turns them back, and that should put an end to Paradis being in so much danger.

What I’m getting at is that I have no fucking clue what’s going to happen.

Here’s what I have as the relevant canon facts to Eren’s Super Secret Plan:

He’s doing everything he can to piss everyone off, including people like Zeke, who nearly ended up getting what he wanted because Eren is so fucking bad at this.

He left Floch in charge.

To review, “everything” includes Floch, and “everyone” includes the entire world.

Literally no one is happy with him except the people voted most likely to commit the next genocide, and the one true thing Eren has said recently is that he’s putting an end to that fuckery.

He’s doing a very bad job.

-hands him his gold star-

Who knows what he’s doing but he’s inarguably trying very hard to do whatever it is.

With occasional crying over it.

Someone in his memories has contact with the little refugee boy.

Someone in his memories remembers a scene with Historia that we have not seen.

To summarize a little better, Eren is doing everything he can to infuriate everyone, and he has two unexplained memory shards in the unbiased narrative portrayal of his mental interior.

I would argue that the moment with the little kid is unexplained because it’s a central moment, and the only time we see Eren specifically around the kid, it’s at the party.

Patch together whatever you can from that information.

He has the power of a god, and so far he’s using it to having a bunch of toys stomp the ground loudly and threateningly while he makes everyone who ever cared for him furious and hurt and throws everyone who hadn’t heard of him before Paths Radio into some form of extremism.

Even if you argue there’s a logic to it, his grand plan results in him getting his head shot off.

This train is not guided by logic, it’s guided by desperation, and that’s even less helpful as far as a reliable predictor of behavior.

...Getting back to the actual ask, I think the story will end brightly. Maybe the characters we love won’t be around to see it, but I honestly believe that we’re getting a thematically happy ending.

And I only inject “thematically” in there because I suspect people find my ceaseless optimism annoying when it’s left untempered.

This story is not as dark as its reputation and horrific moments would have you believe. It’s about tiny, weak humans trying to be better.

Eren might end this world, but if he does, I don’t see it happening without a renewal. An actual renewal, not just Floch giggling atop a castle because he’s king of the mountain.

Because this manga has one very plain take on genocide:

No.

The story can’t have a bleak ending without demolishing its themes.

I have no idea how it gets to any other kind of ending, but I’m betting on it.

Thanks for the ask.

#attack on asks #tl;dr

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araminthe-ispwitch · 3 years

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I've just read your fic Your True Name Is on FF and Ao3. Then I noticed it hasn't been updated since 2017. PLEASE TELL ME IT'S NOT DISCONTINUED!!! IT'S TOO AWESOME!!

Okay, so... this is gonna be awkward to reply to because just a few posts down this is my announcement that I ain’t giving up. XD

However! You’re right, it’s been 3 years since the last update and jesus christ has it really been 3 years??? I’ve just been quietly watching this fic gather more and more hopeful readers and not even reply to any messages so I could surprise you all, but I don’t think I can go on any longer and not say something concrete just to be real with you.

Okay, so the bottom line is that the status of “Your True Name Is” is... uncertain.

Very uncertain.

Very very uncertain because I am still writing Chapter 3 UUUUUUUUGH

I’m not gonna bore you with all the details of the past three (three!!!) years. Basically, ever since I started with my thesis, I haven’t been keeping up with BNHA’s manga or anime at all. You’ll notice it on my list of published fanfics; I even started another multi-chaptered fic for another fandom—one that gripped me for months during my last two years in college and eventually became the center point of my own undergraduate thesis. XD

After graduating, I pretty much delved into other hobbies and fandoms for a year. Even once I finally got hired, I didn’t get to come back to BNHA at all (psst I got into the MXTX novels’ fandoms for a full half-year just reading all the good fics). So at the moment, I am very disconnected from the fandom and the current story indeed. I wasn’t even here when the NSFW ban happened...

I wouldn’t mind having a long refresher course of watching the anime in order to continue Chapter 3, but at the moment, I’m not feeling the passion to do so. That’s what’s always so hard about writing for me, especially with multi-chaptered fanfics: once I lose my groove, it can be highly difficult to just sit down and write. This is why I am now actually gravitating towards creating one-shots instead—that, or just keeping WIPs to myself first until I’m actually nearing the end of the story.

This is currently my situation: I’m busy with work (9 hours every day, from Monday to Saturday, thank god for weekends) but the rest of my free time is mostly dedicated to my hobbies. I am not actively writing fanfics at the moment—my hobbies tend to circulate and I hyper-fixate on them for months at a time, so one moment, I’m into reading manga, and the next, I’m playing a game for several days. You may have seen that my Liked posts section is hella active—yep, during these three years, I got into playing Food Fantasy, watched a few anime shows, and all that.

I just didn’t fully come back to Tumblr and start reblogging stuff because it felt awkward to be active here when I’m not even posting a new chapter, and still keeping you guys very frustrated with the cliffhanger. XDDD

Segue but I can’t believe I missed @incorrectknb closing down last 2019 GODDAMMIT I HAD SAVED UP SO MANY POSTS AND MY LAZY ASS DIDN’T SUBMIT THEM

This is already getting too long so I’ll just wrap this up quickly:

Your True Name Is

Status: Uncertain. Don’t wanna say it’s fully on-hiatus...

However, I’m half-afraid that it’ll end up like my KnB highschool AU fic bc...

GHSR (Kuroko no Basuke fic)

Status: Discontinued...

Half of the numerous things I’ve planned for this, I’ve never even jotted down. I had no clear goal of how each chapter would go unless I was ready to write them... Not a good habit...

Yep, to any readers of my KnB highschool AU fic, I’ve finally confirmed it. Not even sure if you’re actively waiting for the next chapter (because jesus this one stopped at 2016!), but I don’t know what to do with it anymore and I’m actually working on other fics for that fandom (still multi-chaptered but focuses on one ship each instead so it doesn’t get convoluted). For my BNHA fic, I still do want to continue because I haven’t forgotten how much I’ve enjoyed crafting the Secret Child AU. However, expect now that updates for it will really be few and far between. :(

Shoutout to some people who’ve sent me non-anon messages but I don’t think I got around to answering them: @jaysfandomcorner, @kateitron, and also a shoutout to @theywaitforshewho, who was the first to admit that yes, my fanfic is probably dead—but also proceeded to recc it to their list of cool BNHA fics. XDDDDDDD Sorry, my friend, for not replying. Wanted to surprise y’all with an update but... well.

Okay, that’s all I can say for now. After this post, you may see me reblog some overdue stuff and reply to some other asks not related to YTNI. For real tho, guys, you have no idea how much it gladdens my heart to see you so excited and amazed at what I wrote. “Your True Name Is” is my most popular work in both AO3 and FFNet—and all because I tried writing the one AU we have always been waiting for. Every now and then, I see notifs about people liking and favoriting it. I will try my best to get back into its groove!

For now, however, I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your support! You guys rock!!! ^u^b

#Ara gets asked #jesus christ HAS IT REALLY BEEN THREE YEARS???#three years of on-and-off activity and just constant lurking in Tumblr...#okay imma reblog and reply to some stuff now #and then disappear again... yeah...#but seriously guys i'm still glad you love my work!!!#I WILL TRY MY BEST TO CONTINUE IT!!!

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mysterylover123 · 5 years

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BNHA Rewatch Episode 21 “Battle On Challengers”

mysterylover123

Now let’s get through all the Beta matches in a single swoop.

Kaminari vs Shiozaki! This starts the trend this episode of male participants either underestimating girls and getting their butt kicked, or fighting all out against them and winning. Setup for a certain famous scene in the next ep maybe?

Kamui Woods is impressed. (Please tell me Ibara interns with him!)

Izuku is muttering and taking notes. I love how his muttering just hits Bakugou in the side of the head and annoys everyone and creeps out Uraraka even a little.

Deku reveals he’s been stalking Uraraka too. She fangirls over him for a minute, which would be charming if it didn’t remind me of future developments I find irritating.

Iida vs Hatsume! I love the crap out of this fight. One of my favorite minor Sports Fest matchups. The way in which Hatsume completely subverts everything we think we’re gonna get from this match, turns it into an exhibition match for her items...it’s so perfect.

Seeing them banter a bit kinda makes me ship Iida/Hatsume, since there is a lot of fun to be had with their contrasting personalities...

Only to be reminded of the One True Iida ship again. An interesting change from the manga here: Manga! Deku notices right away that Uraraka left her drink behind. Anime! Deku doesn’t until two matches later.

Mina vs Aoyama! Like before, the guy underestimating the girl gets him floored. (Iida underestimated Hatsume’s deviousness and it humiliated him; Kaminari underestimated Shiozaki and was instantly beaten). Aoyama assumes he’s more powerful, and drastically underestimates Mina. Hence she wins!

Now the devastating matchup of Momo vs Tokoyami. Basically, this works on 2 levels: One, in the pattern of not underestimating an opponent based on gender. Tokoyami and Bakugou don’t, and they win.

Two, as a part of Momo’s character arc: Prior to this, Momo has always been the best of the best, the cream of the crop; excepting the Obstacle race, where Mineta slowed her down anyway, she came in first in everything. And this gave her a bit of an ego, and a slightly condescending attitude towards those not as smart as her. But this loss, and its subsequent consequences, humble her (too much, initially) and force her to confront her own flaws. Failure is, after all, the way in which we succeed.

Now to Iida and Uraraka in the prep room! I find them very shippable in this scene, because...well, it’s actually kinda rare to see Uraraka being open, and vulnerable, with anyone besides her parents, and later on her teachers. Around most of her peers, she just tries to keep up this veneer of being happy, chill and confident all the time, and usually avoids vulnerability or admitting to fear. But here, in this room with Iida, she admits to it. She’s scared.

Here comes Deku to crash the party. I talked about Deku’s motives in this scene during my rather exhausive analysis of Izuocha, and I think Deku wants badly to pay Uraraka back for all the times she’s helped him (one of his core motivations in general). But she turns him down, denying him the chance to support her on even grounds the way she supports him. I think this bothers him a little - he’s noticeably less close to her after this arc ends.

I have complicated feelings about this choice of Uraraka’s too. First time around, I was absolutely floored by this twist. I was rolling my eyes at her jealousy over Mei, her behavior this ep, and convinced the show was going for a potential romance arc, which I found a little irritating. But then this happened, and Uraraka turned into a surprising character, full of more depth and self-awareness than I expected. I think this was the point where I officially gave up on trying to predict the series, deciding that Horikoshi would just surprise me at every turn.

In hindsight, I think she could’ve still accepted some advice from Deku. After all, Midoriya accepted advice from Ojiro before he fought Shinso. It’s ok - hell, admirable - to learn as much about your opponent as you can. Still, Uraraka’s decision here bugs me a bit from a Romance-with-Deku angle, since she shuts him out of the role of supporter in her life and tries to go it alone, because - as she reveals in the next ep - of her desire to be just like him. Combined with how she frames her choice in the Cavalry battle here as a negative, and I have trouble viewing their relationship in a positive romantic light. It feels like the series is framing Uraraka’s feelings for Midoriya as a bad thing (I’ll touch on this again later) and making her lose herself in her desire to be like him. Which I find worrying from a romance POV.

Uraraka describing them as “all being rivals” is another interesting “what a twist” moment to me, because its a good way to describe the early part of the series. Everyone is fighting everyone. Things are a little chummier now, and I’ll cop to missing that atmosphere of antagonism a little. (If I may get into some shipping positivity tho, I like how she mentions Iida challenging Deku as something that inspired her.)

As our two contestants face each other in the ring, preparing for battle, we end on another brutal cliffhanger.

I like this episode, but it does mostly feel like the waiting rom in between interesting parts. Like the stuff you have to get through to get to the big guns. I do love how it builds into the next ep, though. Every fight is mixed gender (cept Kiri vs Tetsu) and the ep lays out a clear thesis about not underestimating girls. Uraraka’s gonna win it on her own and the buildup to Ep22 is really great.

BKDK CORNER:

Some progress. Bakugou doesn’t tell him to shut up here. He must be fairly used to Deku’s muttering by now. He’s the only one in the crowd it doesn’t phase.

“I don’t think Bakugou would give his explosive all against a female opponent.” “No, he would....no one’s holding back here, Kacchan least of all.” Deku knows his Kacchan. (And respects the crap out of him for this tendency, despite how mean it is.)

BEST GIRL OF THE EPISODE: Yui Kodai

For more info on her: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_cUHGKLWgfY

RANKER: Best Sports Fest Matches

5. Iida vs Todoroki

4. Deku vs Shinso

3. Todoroki vs Bakugou

2. Uraraka vs Bakugou

1. Midoriya vs Todoroki

#my hero academia #season 2 episode 8 #battle on challengers #midoriya izuku #iida tenya #uraraka ochako #momo yaoyorozu #katsudeku #bakudeku #i metad a lot about uraraka and momo in this one #i don't get many chances #cause they're featured less than the Main Trio #(deku kacchan and shoto)#but i do find them interesting #and have lots of thoughts on them

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anerbananers · 6 years

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Listen, I don’t care

idc who you stan, who you hate, if you ship them or don’t whatever. You don’t have to ship them to understand this. I only appreciate them as rivals and this is hitting me in the face and making me FEEL things y’all.

the writing of the scenes in episode 23 and just izuku and katsuki’s relationship in general is INCREDIBLY nuanced, complex, and well done! A lot of rivalries in shonen are shallow in comparison to this.

Remember this is targeted at young boys! It’s SUPER important to show them what an inferiority complex looks like, what imposter syndrome looks like. How someone can be a GOOD PERSON and still do BAD THINGS. How not to let people walk all over you. Both of these boys cry and you SEE their tears, feel their emotions. And the mentors in their lives are also there to guide them too. For young boys to see this, I think, is important. This isn’t JUST about jealousy. IJS, this is some grown shit. ADULTS IRL struggle with this. Like, Bakugou’s entire perception of Izu is warped by his insecurity. This shows how intentions and perceptions can be so WAY off. Why communication is important.

And what I love is that Horikoshi makes sure you KNOW the adults and teachers know they have a part to play in this. And it’s a theme of the story that the adults have created some hefty issues here and even if they didn’t start this, they have to take responsibility and properly guide these kids. Not just between these two boys, but in general, culturally. When you have a hero system that has emphasized might over rescue this whole time, it creates this kind of confusion! At this point in the story the hero franchise (b/c it’s a business really) is changing it’s model due to All Might’s retirement.

THAT’S WHY THE HEAVIEST HITTERS FAILED THE FREAKIN’ TEST.

Even the teachers were surprised by this change in approach. They hadn’t exactly prepped their students for this kind of thinking.

Honestly it’s a good change, but of COURSE it trips up kids like Bakugou who only emulated what he saw. Katuski, who you KNOW is smart enough to understand how the system works even as a preteen and study it to the letter. Look at it like this:

All Might saves people because he’s STRONG. He’s fast, he’s overwhelming and in PHYSICAL top shape. All Might has the ability to rescue because he wins first, because he knocks the villains out and then even if he has to flee the scene (because he’s on borrowed time), OTHER heroes can come to help civilians. But the main thing is he can beat anyone, and that fact ALONE has deterred villains from even TRYING shit until now. His charisma is a bonus, but his incredible power kept shit locked tf DOWN this entire time.

A lot of heroes rescue just fine. But only All Might is able to have such a lasting heroic influence. And his strength and power is the key difference. He’s not just GOOD, he’s the BEST. He’s not just the BEST, he outpaces the #2 hero by leaps and bounds. His strength comes from his heart, ofc, and WE know that, but Bakugou has no way of knowing that. He doesn’t understand how OFA even works.

The way Bakugou does this is brash, ofc, but he’s questioning what he believes. He’s asking WHY? He’s even asking Izuku because he doesn’t know who else, and tbh in all his anger still has to swallow a lot of pride to do so.

The guilt. Wow. The way that scene was done. *chef kiss* Sometimes when you’re a high achiever and do well in most things, nobody wonders if you need help or support or to get out of your own head. Nobody even thought that Bakugou was blaming himself because he gives off such a strong and assured aura. Which is crazy cuz for me I was like UMMM HELLO? CHECK ON HIM??

“I’m weak too, you know.”

SO IMPORTANT. Not only that Katsuki said that, but that he said it to two people I think everyone can agree he’d NEVER want to know this ideally. But he’s just at that point where his emotions are spilling over. He needs help. That’s how he’s asking for help. I was dying man. So beautiful seeing All Might embrace him and understand exactly what he needed to do. Fuck the secret. Explain so this child can be at peace on this! Too much to carry alone! For each and any one of them.

If you narrow Bakugou Katsuki and Izuku Midoriya down to “a bully and his victim” you are missing out.

this post is long because I got in my feelings. Just had to write a thesis paper. LOL. More under the cut!

I was a victim of bullying. Many times in my life. I’m small, I’m intellectual, I was social and made friends easily but I also didn’t like cliques and some other girls didn’t like that I just hung out with EVERYONE. Some boys did the “i tease you because i like you thing”. Either way, I’ve reconciled with 2 of my bullies in the course of my life. I know a thing or two about how and why bullies do what they do. And this was when I was in elementary school, so I’m telling you also that when you’re super young it’s a bit...different in your mind as you get older. This isn’t to excuse Katsuki’s actions, so let me stop you. But there is a very key difference in behavior between a typical bully and what happened with these two boys.

10/10 times, I was steering clear of my bullies. Even the ones within my friend groups that would start to do the mean girl kinda bullshit. I’d keep interaction with them to a minimum. Even when I wanted to be pretty and cool like them, I was meek and fearful in the way I interacted with them. I’d engage the other girls first and keep my head down. My bullies would approach or interact with ME, clearly seeking to gas themselves up by putting me down or bothering me. I mean, I’m sure others have experiences more similar to our boys here so maybe I’m full of shit, but the complexity with Izu and Kat is that Izuku kept approaching Bakugou with a smile and a laugh, no matter what Bakugo did. This does happen in actual abusive relationships, but for kids and not adults, and I think some folks aren’t seeing the difference. This isn’t like, weird gaslighting and manipulation. Bakugou doesn’t act like a bitch and then turn around and be all sweet on Deku to keep him closeby. Bakugou legitimately wanted Deku to go away, and when he doesn’t Bakugou, in his wild paranoia is like “what does this MEAN???” He attached a meaning to it that was completey WRONG of course, because that’s how anxiety and insecurity work. Now Izuku being the natural beautiful bean boy that is perfect for heroism, is right to do this. He somehow, even so young, could understand that sometimes people need to be saved from themselves. I’m so positive of this. And that ability frightened bakugou so much. In his eyes, he’s being tormented by this kid who sees RIGHT through him and won’t go away. Izuku represents his fear in living breathing form. Every time he sees him, it’s like an irrational reaction. In Bakugou’s eyes Izu might as well have been walking around yelling “KACCHAN IS AFRAID!!!” In his desperation not to be exposed for the insecure and fearful child he should’ve been taught is okay to be, Bakugou decides to be the absolute worst in hopes that Deku leaves him alone. As he’s doing this though, he’s getting positive reinforcement from those around him, which just solidifies this personality trait as a good thing. It’s just a mess!

Again, not condoning, I’m always just amazed at the nuances here. Bakugou was and in some ways still IS a bully (at this point in the anime at least. but in the manga currently i wouldn’t call him this anymore. grumpy? rude? yes. but honestly harmless. the class cares for him and he and izu are civil now) but also it was Deku’s choice to stick with him. He saw that Bakugou could be better and didn’t give up on him. THAT is a hero. And I think everyone is unanimous on that, and that’s why it bother’s me that people are so divided on Bakugou. I trust Izu’s judgement tbh, more than All Might’s. And both of them, Aizawa too, see that Katsuki can be better, and that he’s TRYING. and that he is willing to change because he legit WANTS to be someone All Might would choose. He’s asking Deku so many questions not just because he’s confused, but because he wants to know so he can do what HE needs to do to match up and make his idol proud.

People love a work in progress. I love how the top dog in a lot of ways is the underdog here. I love that Deku GETS it. That to others he may seem crazy. Who chases after their bully? Who admires someone who said disgusting and hurtful things to them? It’s not stockholm lol. There’s a lot to unpack there but I’m telling you, this is some real shit. It’s well written af! Heroism isn’t about being perfect and wonderful and kind all the time. All Might thinks Bakugou is an earnest kid who can be an excellent hero and just needs some work! Who doesn’t? You do! I do! You are not perfect either. A lot of fans of the series see that patience and they support not just our bright and shining Izu, but also the glowering and loud Katsuki who is growing mentally right now. I think it’s fine if his behaviour just makes you so uncomfortable and brings up bad memories. You can absolutely dislike him, it’s not for everybody! But hopefully you can objectively see why they WILL team up and be a team and the story is supporting that growth. I hope you are not disgusted by it or think it’s lazy writing just because it’s not your cup. Let these kids develop and grow and change! Step out of trope and archetype city and just feel this story arc for the realistic mirror of human nature that it is. Either way it’s a fabulous ride!

#bnha #meta #bnha meta #bakugou #midoriya #izuku #katsuki #long post #i mean LONG #mha #bakugou katsuki #izuku midoriya

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legendofthesmashedwineglasses · 7 years

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So the PV for the new LotGH anime came out and there were very mixed reactions to say the least. Besides the Ginga Eiyuu no Basuke and Kircheis jokes which I enjoy myself, I’ve been seeing a lot of people acting like it is now guaranteed to be shit. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t like Kircheis’ design either and I have my fair share of concerns about the series as a whole, but I think that’s jumping the gun a bit. We have only seen a minute and a half of a hype trailer. That’s not even close enough to the material needed to make a fair judgment. Furthermore, I think that there are some good things that have been shown so far but they mostly get overshadowed by the reaction to the character designs. Because of that, I’ve decided to write about some of the potentially good things that I think Die Neue These has shown us thus far.

It’s Distinguishable from the OVA

I know some might disagree with me on this, but I was pleased to see that it looks like DNT is trying to be different from other LotGH adaptations. If it was just going to be the OVA with upgraded animation, it would be pointless. I’d rather just watch the OVA again if it was trying to be the OVA. There’s no meaning in trying to replicate something that just can’t be replicated. Since it looks like they’re working to make DNT distinct, it will have to succeed or fail on its own merits. In my opinion, that’s for the best and I respect the fact that they’re trying something different.

Cinematic Flair

Honestly, I was surprised that the PV was for a 12 episode TV series, because it sure didn’t feel like one. From the music to the lighting to the grandiose scenic shots, it seemed like a trailer for a movie. The transition from Reinhard’s raised to the title in particular was cinematic as hell. The theatrical presentation definitely fits the space opera genre. DNT might be going for a more dramatic approach which is an interesting possibility with a lot of potential. Also, some of the shot composition was just great like the shot below and the vollery fire of the Imperial ships.

Music

There’s nothing known for certain about DNT’s soundtrack at this moment, so the only thing to go on is what was heard in the PV. The new music showed promise. It had nicely timed swells and fit the space opera atmosphere of the PV quite well.

It might be revealed later that the soundtrack will be entirely original with no classical music. As much as I love the classical music soundtrack, I think it would be an interesting opportunity to give LotGH a musical identity. Neon Genesis Evangelion makes me think of “A Cruel Angel’s Thesis” and “You Say Run” always comes to my mind when I think of Boku no Hero Academia. LotGH doesn’t really have a particular piece of music like that. The closest might be Ravel’s Bolero, but even then it is not distinctly LotGH.

If it ends up being the case that the new soundtrack is entirely original, what was heard in the PV has potential at the very least.

The Scenery

The scenery was easily one of my favorite parts of the PV. Look at this.

I need to see Heinessen now.

Animation

We haven’t been shown much yet, but what has been seen of the animation looks pretty smooth. That’s a step in the right direction and could potentially help the visual storytelling in the story a lot.

Additionally, the CG exceeded my expectations. When I first heard that the ships were CG, I started to get upset because of certain previous attempts at CG. It’s nice to be pleasantly surprised. The CG is pretty well done and could make the combat scenes more dynamic. There’s definitely potential there.

The Uniforms

Attention to detail was put into the new uniforms. You can tell. I would consider that a positive thing.

The Alliance uniforms were changed from air force-inspired outfits to a more naval uniform. It’s an interesting touch that stays in line with the spirit of the old uniforms. (Also, Yang’s little plant on his collar is really adorable).

The Empire uniforms stay in the spirit of the OVAs designs as well, as you can see with the collars of the higher-ranked officers and general look of the uniforms. I really appreciate the fact that differently ranked soldiers now have distinctly different uniforms from early on. It’s a nice detail.

Miyano Mamoru

To be completely honest, Miyano wasn’t my first pick for Reinhard’s voice actor. That being said, it makes sense why he was chosen. He’s popular, talented, experienced, popular, oh and popular. In my opinion he’s one of the best choices for the character out of the most popular male voice actors right now. Given his track record, at the very least we’ll get a solid performance from him.

Takagi Noboru

Takagi Noboru is the person in charge of the series composition (aka scripts/the writing) and I’m cautiously somewhat positive about him being in charge. My biggest concern for someone writing the new anime is that the person has no experience writing political dramas and stories with large casts. I have more concern about the large cast aspect because that’s easy to screw up. Takagi has a good bit of experience handling large casts from being in charge of the series composition of shows like Baccano! (a personal favorite of mine) and Durarara!!. I don’t know how well he’ll actually do with LotGH but I do think that he has some of the tools needed to handle it well.

I’m not a professional in the industry, so please understand I’m only looking at this from a completely inexperienced perspective.

The Staff of KnB isn’t Necessarily a Bad Thing

While I myself am concerned about them being the staff for DNT, there are a few potential positives about it.

The group has worked together in the past a bunch so they’re used to each other. Having a staff that works well together generally helps the final product turn out better.

The other thing is that they know how to handle a franchise. KnB and LotGH aren’t comparable at all, but the fact that they are both franchises remains and franchises work differently than a one-off 12 episode series.

The Ships

They’re beautiful and you can’t convince me otherwise, sorry. I love the little scifi touches they added to the Brunhild’s engines. There’s not much else I can say so have some pictures.

Before I finish this I’d like to address some complaints I’ve seen and explain why they are non-issues (at the moment at least).

“They’re pandering to women/fujoshi now! This isn’t LoGH!”

Interestingly enough, this is nothing new. Despite the reputation of the series here in America, LotGH wasn’t only for male “elitists”. In the August of 1986 which was two years before the 1988 OVA, Michihara Katsumi began her manga adaptation of the Legend of the Galactic Heroes novels. It was released in the bi-monthly magazine Chara, a magazine which printed Yaoi and Shoujo manga. And, uh, if you read through it it becomes even more clear who this was meant for.

Alternatively, LotGH is not a women-only thing either, just the idea that LotGH adaptations have never been influenced by the female demographic is completely wrong.

“The characters don’t look like they have the same personality!”

This issue just confuses me. There are only seconds of footage of the main characters in the PV. How did you expect them to show you their entire character in seconds? This is especially odd since the PV was meant to show off the space battle side of the series. All of the characters typically look serious during the battle scenes. I’ve seen claims that Yang is now a cold-hearted person because of how he looks in a promo image meant to show his and Reinhard’s opposing paths. It’s not like that he hasn’t looked a bit harsher to illustrate the conflict in the past.

It should also be noted that Yang is an alcoholic plagued with survivor’s guilt, so yeah, he’s not going to look cute and laid back all the time. I’ve also seen similar claims like Reinhard being too cold (despite him being in battle and commanding his subordinates) and Kircheis not smiling or looking kind enough and looking sly instead. The first can easily explained with context, though I can definitely agree that Kircheis doesn’t seem as openly friendly as the OVA. However, there are subtle signs of Kircheis personality and relationship with Reinhard in the one shot we get of him.

Kircheis has a raised eyebrow and a slight smile as he speaks to Reinhard. It shows their familiarity and the fondness he has for Reinhard. This is the exact opposite of contradicting his character.

“How are they going to fit 110 episodes into 12 episodes and three movies? It’s going to be rushed.”

There’s a huge assumption here. That is, Production IG is planning to tell the entire ten-volume story in just 24 episodes. Never have they said anything to suggest that they are going to do so. I like to think that such a prominent company wouldn’t be so stupid as to attempt that and completely butcher the story in the process. I’d say it’s likely that they are planning to end with the aftermath of the Lippstadt Rebellion.

“Why didn’t they just use the original anime designs?”

Easy, this isn’t the 80s. The OVA’s character designs are distinctly 80s and I love that about them, but that’s just not going to happen in 2018. The popular styles have changed as have the styles that animators commonly use. Sadly, curly hair is rare these days. I feel your pain.

Many people have misgivings about Die Neue These. I am one of them. I just think it’s important to remember that the PV had more than just the character designs and that the purpose of the PV was to show off the space opera-like war setting. There is nothing to indicate that the most important part of LotGH- the plot and characters- has been handled terribly yet. It’s certainly possible that it is badly written, but at this point it’s equally possible that it isn’t. Who knows how it will turn out? I certainly don’t.

#You asked for it #i spent way too long on this #Legend of the Galactic Heroes #Die Neue These #ginga eiyuu densetsu #logh #lotgh #mine

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delightfullyunlikelyavenue-blog · 6 years

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Hello to new beginnings.

Welcome to my new blog. It’s too late in the year to say I have a “New Years Resolution,” so I’ll just say the truth: I’m suddenly frustrated enough to throw all caution to the wind and go for it. I am resolute despite the date on the calendar.

I am a twenty-five year old with a Master’s Degree with dual concentrations in Writing and Literature. Joke number one is that I invested years of my life studying and refining my craft only to get into a field that doesn’t seem to be hiring writers with limited experience (another story all together). Joke number two is that I moved away from home to a state that doesn’t have a lot of creative writing opportunities or industries. Both of which have me, sitting on my couch, writing this post as the punchline.

I need a steady job to pay my bills and chip away at my debt. I started in the food industry and climbed the ladder for almost three years until I moved to Wisconsin. Then, while I finished my master’s Thesis, I got a fulltime daycare job and was there almost two years. That was fine for a while, but working from 7 am to 6 pm to have so little to show for it. It got old fast and now I need to start taking a jack hammer to my student debt. So, I applied for a part-time job as a Screen printer. The wages were higher than at the daycare, so it would make up for the lose of my fulltime status. The leftover time in the day, I could use for writing. Sounded like a win to me. Wrong. Joke number three is that it advertised that I was going to be working 30 to 35 hours a week from 7 am to 3 pm. Last week, I worked eighteen hours. This week, I was first supposed to come in today (Tuesday) for a shift, but my boss texted yesterday to not come in until she texted me. It’s 12:21 pm and production shuts down by 3:00 pm. I don’t think I’m going to be getting a text anymore today. They told me that this is their slow period and I’m lowest man on the totem pole, I get it, but during my interview I told them I need to be able to pay my bills. Rent, car payments, car insurance, phone bills, and student loans don’t care if you’re low man on the totem pole. I was told 30 to 35 hours, that’s why I took the job.

So, this is where I’m at. I’m a twenty-five year old, drowning in debt (as so many of us are), with the jobs I do get either making me sick (Daycare germs) or cutting my hours (Screen-printing), and most other jobs that I’m better qualified for (at least in my opinion) not wanting to give me an interview. Instead of giving up, I’m going to try harder. I still must get a better job so that I can pay my bills, but, while I search and apply and interview, this blog is my reason to get back into writing. Why did I take all those classes, spend all those late nights after work writing papers, and accumulate all this debt that I’m now struggling to pay, if I’m not going to write?

So, this is going to be my first post of many, but I have yet to decide what this blog’s niche is. You see, I’ve never been able to define myself or my interests clear and concisely. I always dabble in this and read up on that. I never felt the need to proclaim that “I AM A WRITER AND I WRITE…”, for example, “SCIENCE FICTION WITH A STRONG PULL TOWARDS DYSTOPIAN THEMES.” Which, I’m not and I don’t. But, you get the point. I have taken classes in fiction, poetry, and nonfiction and loved them all. Each genre has a special place in my imagination and I write whichever idea has the loudest voice. Similarly, I’ve also have had interests in drawing/illustrating/doodling, knitting (when I have the patience and time), video games, Anime, and Manga. Though, this blog is for, primarily, writing, I might allow myself to post other things I have created.

So, welcome, again, to my new blog.

Now that I have that out of the way. Let’s make something beautiful.

#first time #First Blog #Writing #Millennials #Job Hunt #Find Yourself #Work for it #Welcome

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thegreenribbonjournal-blog · 6 years

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as I began to ponder...

To make it clear from the beginning: he was an asshole.

We all have met certain kinds of assholes in our life and some had had a special place, once before they were moved to the hall of shame.

Mine, was two years younger. He had been dating a very attractive girl, with starry eyes and shoujo manga girl’s smile. She was kind and wife-material. I had also been dating a really nice guy; he’s so artsy, like the serious one who actively acts in theatre group, studies about them and he is so calm and emotionally controlled. He was like me, with penis. We were so alike in so many things that we didn’t worry about each other, like we could always know what happen to each other.

I was the wildflower, if it’s appropriate to say so, the “tomboy” (I begin to sound like a cheesy teenage rom-com). He liked me because I was his type of girl. I was startled when he said this, like, really? You’re 25 and still considering “type” as something essential?

He described me as the tomboy who “reads books, knows a bit about serious things, watches serious movies and understands his kind of music” and “gets along with so many male friends”, then the “conversations between us are rich and fun, so many things to talk about”. In a short time, we had this “tourism”. I coined this term when I told him about my undergraduate thesis that has something to with tourism – which the essence of tourism is “seeing and having experiences we don’t get in daily basis”. John Urry’s the tourist gaze. As we were stuck in routines, we had the urge to be “fertile”, to talk about other than work. As we became more synchronized in conversations, we moved to something else.

I have to admit it was.. fun. I felt alive for a while. Suddenly the more it felt wrong, the bigger the excitement and the satisfaction. We visited nice places, smoked cigs watching mountains from afar and talked about substantial things. I told him about Camus, Beauvoir and Sartre, which he listened attentively because in law school these were not taught in class. I even wasted my time telling him about Bataille’s Story of the Eye, Wong Kar Wai’s masterpiece and how Foucalt see sexuality as an institutionalized discourse. As we talked, he would put on Sigur Ros, or Zeppelin and other songs he liked that I had to admit they were pretty cool. This phase gave me quite a positive impact, as I recalled what I read in college, re-read and I realized this is where I got both of my feet in the mud.

He called me as a feminist who craved for freedom. It was not about the freedom, but about how women are as free as men to choose what they want to do and give meanings to their choices. I was always skeptical about marriage – why we should get married? But deep down inside, I am waiting for someone to break my walls and knock on my door.

We had some good times, until he began to show that he was into me. He began asking questions like; “if I left her, would you be serious with me and never leave me?”. He was offering me a contract. I didn’t sign it. It was far too soon. Forever is not a cheap thing that you can ask from someone in few weeks. We are not living in Stone Age. We meet other people, we grow as a couple and forever sometimes sounds like a mythical concept from Homer’s Iliad.

Soon I discovered that he could not manage jealousy. He was jealous to my male friends, just a brief explanation, but I could sense it. The question was: who are you? He was dating too and was jealous, that somehow has something to do with ownership, has a place in our interactions? I was sure the answer is no. Even if I were jealous (which I secretly was), I didn’t want to bring it up. In addition, there was nothing to be jealous about, as far as I understood. Two days in a row he was so cranky but I was never a girl who gave attention (or treatment?) to this kind of situation. I didn’t play his game.

I am that kind of person. I did love him, but to play his game was something else. To research and see what kind of person he was, was very important before I jumped in and said yes. However, I didn’t realize he changed the game. He began to made me feel.. needy. He was sometimes out of my reach, but maintained to stick around from time to time.

Until the girlfriend found out. She and their family were so panic. They were going to be engaged soon. He was panic too. And from here I should have understood that he never wanted me that much. He was just.. bored but never really sure about moving in.

It was probably his ego that could not accept me. He was a traditional, patriarchal man who needed to be obeyed and great urgency to dominate anything. I know I am difficult person. Somewhat unpredictable and my skepticism about marriage somehow frightens guys like him. And some feminism issues probably also take part here.. this guy didn’t even believe in gender studies. He skipped it. His world and set of values are black and white. He had no place for my colors.

Then we continued the “tourism” thing. It became harder and harder for me to hold on the grip. I admitted that I love him. And this is not possible to go on, but I was so blind that I would not mind to stick around in any possible ways. He was still with her. I was never really sure he stayed for her or the family, or just his needs – I guess three of them were correct.

Then I decided to take a bigger decision. I left my boyfriend. It was hard for me to split my feelings like cake. No more lies. I don’t deserve him. What was on my head, I just didn’t want to lie to myself. Then I was alone now and becoming the other woman. At the moment I realized how freedom is a very abstract concept, it only makes sense if we are capable of defining what the boundary is; otherwise, freedom will be just a waste. At least, I knew what I wanted. And I knew what I didn’t want. Decided to be alone is not because I expected him to come to me, but I was sure that there was something serious was missing from my relationship. I needed to step away and think about it. To be able embracing myself without emotionally attached to any man, was probably my main goal. However, this is something that the asshole guy could never understand, as he could not manage to be alone.

Then, we began to lose it gradually. He asked me to find other man. It was the cruelest thing I ever heard. Now I was a hundred percent sure he wanted to leave me but he didn’t want to take the blame. But I stick around like shit. I would never forgive myself for this…

At times he was in my “side”, he said he never wanted to end this. I was so comfortable he wanted to be with me all the time, to wake up beside me and just felt happy. Doesn’t matter if we would get married to other persons, this “interaction” must be continued. For a moment this idea seems flattering to my blinded mind; how he wanted me this bad he would risk his future relationships. But when I already had enough oxygen for my brain, he was treating me like a facility. While he always wanted his girl to be the home. I was snacks, and he was my main course.

What he found in me was a teenage excitement; getting a rebellious girl, rock and roll romances, a bit of wilderness and madness. Sid and Nancy. Cobain and Love. Whatever. I am not buying those narratives. To me now, he is a rock and roll guy with K-Pop mentality. He was late to understand that this kind of excitement is not the material you need to begin a family. And I hope I am not too late either.

Still it’s difficult for me to understand, that ever was in a history of decent and morally-educated society, I found a guy was so cunning, selfish and slippery and malicious. Yet he seems so alive, so fun and dependable and really smart. Altogether at the same time. He must be so drunk in the air of living that his brain could not think correctly about how to live in a noble way. This is a defect from how society grows a boy into a man; and it is necessary to develop an assessment to make ensure whether or not a human with dick deserves to leave boyhood and enter manhood with a morally appropriate understanding about what it means to be a man.

I should never believe he loved me. Maybe he did, but he did it all wrong. What made me depressed was... in the process of sensation-perception, the sensation might be fake, but the emotions were always honest. What I felt about him was true. Despite of me being cold hard bitch and hard to handle, so sarcastic and rude and skeptical about anything. That was just me being myself. It was all my defense mechanism and now I see he deserved to be treated like that. Such a shame. I am really sorry to myself for being in this condition.. should have been a better friend for myself.. because that is all I have now.

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