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mymemoirs · 23 days
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Meditations on Humans
I didn't realize that it has been a long time since I drew inspiration from the nature: the trees, the sun, the clouds, the winds, the ocean, you name it. And I have been hard on myself because of that, why does the sunlight no longer tickles my mind anymore? Why does the sight of greens or the skies doesn't set me on a writing spree? I was so mad and frustrated that it had been going on for years. Probably started around the time when I came back to this city for work.
It finally dawn on me that my source of inspiration might have shifted. Well, who doesn't? Who only uses one source of creativity and be content with that? I was foolish to even wish that I had to be inspired by trees and what not all the time. I do admit that my past writings had been about nature and I was kind of proud of it. It was the most productive period of writing that I could remember.
Anyway, this ephipany came to me while I reflected on the people around me. I find that the more I focused on what I found commendable about others and pray for them, the more I learn about myself. It came into a full circle that I was amazed by this realization.
By reflecting on other human being, I learnt that they're not having it easy too in their daily life but I seldom hear them complain about how tired it is to go home so late at night, etc. I was reminded of how I kept on complaining how far away is my company to the apartment. "It's a 20Km ride from home to office, it's so tiring yada yada yada", that's what I always told others. Contrary to me, they weren't milking on their reality, they told people about it when asked and be done with it. Face the music bravely without making a fuss.
I also meditate on the fact that I've been here for almost 7 years now. I'm a relocator, a nomad, a transferee, or maybe an adventurer for pursuing life outside the place I've known my whole life: my home of 18 years. I was so scared of being 'too' rooted in the place I'm in now but I can't deny that I am trying to leave a mark wherever I am. Even for a little, I hope to bring good change and leave this place a tad better than it was before. That small effort is what I've been holding on to all this time. Wherever I go and wherever I am, I will do my best to make this place a little better.
I imagine if I were to have my family over here or back at my hometown, I don't think I can be the 'me' now. If it weren't for these past 7 to 8 years, there might be a different me now. I was able to crack open the current me because I made those past decisions.
Now, I'm ready to crack open another me and another journey. The journey I desire years ago. I hope in 2024, I made that leap of faith. It's still scary now as it is years ago but I hope you're braver now.
-Reina
P.S. I wanted to be able to do video essays. There were a lot of cool video essays out there that I admire so much. (There are several accounts I like from IG: americanbaron, r.c.waldun, __we_love_you_, water_wild_month, mahlyf_mahrulez).
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mymemoirs · 30 days
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Life Update: Buying My First Gadget
It was 14th February 2024, coincidentally a valentine's day, when I went to a gadget store to purchase my first ever gadget with my hard-earned money. Needless to say, it was kinda satisfying...?
I have been showing off my tablet to close friends. I'm quite happy that I decided to buy it anyway since I've been going back and forth about it. Originally, I was set on buying Huawei Mattepad 11" Papermatte edition because of its paper-like screen.
However, when I went to the Huawei pop-up store and had a chat with the sales, they recommend buying the Huawei Mattepad 11'5" which is on a discount. There's pros and cons for each model but I eventually settle down with the cheapest one, which is the one I'm using currently: Huawei Mattepad 11'5" with all the complete accessories I wanted (keyboard, stylus and a matte screen protector). It's 3 million cheaper than the original tablet I wanted with the same accessories.
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Now, I know what some people might be thinking. Why a tablet and not a laptop? Considering that my laptop also needs an upgrade. Well, I always felt laptop was too 'serious' in my opinion. What I had in mind at that time was something that I can use to do a little work, write, and read a book with. My phone is kinda small for reading. You could still use it for reading but I desire for a bigger screen.
Do I read e-books in this tablet during my commute? Naw, I haven't done that. What I have done instead is blogging, preparing my materials for presentation and updating my finance sheets. Which is not a bad start.
A lot of my friends said to me: "Good investment" when they saw this tab. Well, I hope so 'cos at some point I'm worried that I might be just satisfying my 'wants' which is not always bad. I also tried to hold myself back from buying it immediately ever since I had the thought in 2023.
I do wanted to get productive, write more and create. I'm not sure if I could do that but I need to cut myself some slack and just write rather than waiting for a magnum opus. Whether it's a good or bad writing, I should just write. It's actually a boring, often frustrating, activity.
Sometimes I thought what hinders me from writing is not able to come up with ideas. But, I believe, I have the ideas as it's all within me. I'm the one who has been blocking it off from getting it out to the world. That's why, this 2024, I'll just learn to let go of perfectionism and write.
-Reina
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mymemoirs · 1 month
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I dyed my fingernails black
I just dyed my fingernails black It used to be a form of rebellion But today, it looked meek.
I almost sign up for an easy way, It's the funny looking nails that led me to put down my pen. Perhaps, I can look at it another day.
Today, the perfection in me almost won. It was the rough edges of the paint, the bumpy feel to my fingertips, that pushes me forward.
Ah, it's not meek. It never was. Beneath the ugly, there still lies a silent rebel.
Surabaya, 29th January 2024 Reina
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mymemoirs · 2 months
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10 Year Anniversary on Tumblr 🥳
Ha, 10 years since 2014. I wonder what's next for this blog and my life as well.
-Reina.
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mymemoirs · 3 months
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I'm back and it's not the same.
I don't think it can ever be the same.
Compared to the humid summer, I was met with the cold winter wind. University lectures are replaced with meetings and office hours. Instead of fellow students, it's colleagues now. I'm also in a different city, Taipei, as oppose to Taichung.
It's a short trip and it leaves much to be desired. It wasn't bad per se. I just wish it was longer. There's so many people I'd like to meet here but at the same time work has been piling up and my working speed can't make up for it yet. I will need to catch up with all the work l left behind.
Rather than focusing on what's different from my previous experience, which wouldn't amount to anything. I think it's much interesting to tell what I did this time, which is going for Gakkai activities in Taiwan Soka Association. It so happens that the day I went (7th January 2024) was a New Year meeting for English speakers or international meetings.
I'm honestly really happy that I got to experience this. I do hope I could travel more and experience more Gakkai activities outside Indonesia. One of my wish list that I hope to accomplish over my lifetime.
I also think it's a good idea to start thinking what goals I would earnestly like to achieve while revisiting my goals every month or periodically. Something I learnt from this meetings.
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Anyway, maybe I'm tired this few days. I couldn't enjoy the food here and socializing can take a toll on me. I don't think this experience would be a good representation of how I feel if I were to move to a company with more people at the office since I'm too tired and cranky. Perhaps, I do enjoy working with a lot of people since I keep on desiring to meet people when I'm in the Surabaya office. However, when I'm here, I get overwhelmed. It's not even that much people but maybe I do need time to adapt and focus.
-Reina
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mymemoirs · 3 months
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2023 is Ending...
I still have the same concern every year. Especially since it's nearing the end of the year, which is "What's the next goal I should achieve?"
When 2023 come to me, I convinced myself by saying: "It's okay, 2024 I'll be going for a master's degree. 2023 I'll be preparing for it." and move on with life. The only effort I did was taking up English classes for IELTS but I'm starting to consider quitting it.
Don't get me wrong, taking classes is a good thing. I could treat this as an investment, but at the same time I don't really find the classes to be helping me get better at IELTS because we don't really practice IELTS from 0. As in, we're only practicing English through reading & listening. While, speaking and writing requires you to digest the questions and present it skillfully. I don't really get to experience that a lot in my classes, since the teacher have a lot of students and he mainly focuses us with grammar, phrasal verbs and what nots. It's good actually, just that I haven't tried putting all that into action.
Besides that, it's starting to get a tad tired to always go to class without having a clear goal. If IELTS is my goal, then I have to set myself on when I should take the tests. Once I took my IELTS, I can move on with other things.
I doubt you would ask, "Well, 2024 is coming right? You're aiming for a master's degree, I think it's still possible to achieve that goal in 2024." but I'm gonna tell you anyways.
I know that it's still possible to achieve it and I believe I can do it... if I put my mind on it. Unfortunately, because of me dilly dallying on what major to take, I have miss opportunities. Still, at the end of 2023, I haven't yet to make a final decision about it.
As 2024 is approaching in a few hours, I haven't yet to decide what to pursue for myself. I still hope to get a master's degree, it was something I always wanted personally since I was in school and I thought it was natural for me to have a master's degree abroad. I expected it for myself and the thought of not achieving this ate me away.
However, at the same time, what I actually need right now is a breakthrough. It's hard to admit it but I had ease into my life here. It wasn't that comfortable per say but it has become my comfort zone, enough to trap myself. I remembered feeling ambitious and I wasn't anymore. Only looking forward to weekends and the end of the day. I still had that desire to be and do more but I'm afraid that too is wilting away.
Ah, well, how typical of me to be melodramatic. It shouldn't be this way. I should put lofty ambitions for 2024 (work in progress). I have this feeling that 2024 would be my year or at least the year I could breakthrough from all of this. However, that doesn't mean leaving behind my responsibilities. I'll still do my best with work and organizational activities at the same time I'll learn to benefit from those experiences and carve my breakthrough.
For now, adieu! - Reina
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mymemoirs · 4 months
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Time Affluence to Explore Life Itself
Whether you think time seems limited or unlimited, you're right. Our mind has this funny relationship with how time passes. Sometimes time went by a flash, and alas four years has went by. Sometimes, it was the time shown in your office or school-- has someone been tampering with it?-- a minute could feels like 30 minutes.
Some moments ago, my emotional well-being spiraled down. I was indignant at a lot of things, mostly people around me. Why did their life seems to have been moving forward? I did my best too this year, but I don't think I have been anywhere worth highlighting this 2023. Why?
I was clearly not in my best state of mind, for not acknowledging what I have. Being surrounded with friends and families, health, wealth, etc.
After what seems like an hour of mournings, I was able to calm down. Do I get any solutions out of it? No, not really. I only vowed not to have the same problem next year. I refused to be crying again by the end of 2024 because of the same reason: "Why do I feel stuck in life?"
Yes, I refused to be stuck in 2024. Be it last 2022 and 2023, I have been thinking to myself that I needed a breakthrough. As I neared 2024, that thoughts have been amplified that it was impossible to ignore it anymore.
However, the only breakthrough I could think of is going for a Master's Degree. I still think higher education is desirable, IF 1) you enjoy learning in academia settings, 2) aim for a jobs that requires master's degree, 3) considering for a career switch, and many more reasons to pursue higher education.
As much I'd like to pursue master's degree, I need to make sure if the degree I choose would benefit me for post masters. Something I learnt from post bachelors, deciding what job to take or deciding what to do next. Hate to admit it, but as a covid graduate, we don't have much choice too back then (only applicable to some people).
That's why, I have been going back and fro with my decision to pursue master's degree. I think I seriously need to spend more time to get to know myself. Take myself out on a date, treat myself, and get to know me past my outer appearance and identity. After I picked out what made me, "me", what's left of me? Can I live without those titles and identities?
I do hope that aside from preparing from my Master's degree, regardless of the results. I'd spend more time to explore life itself. Just how you're right with time, I know deep down that I'll miss this place and every aspect of this life when I let go to pursue a grander scheme for myself.
-Reina
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mymemoirs · 4 months
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Leadership Retreat 2023
This year, I'd like to take the time to appreciate the leadership retreat from my organization. It was an emotional ride and I had a lot of conversation with acquaintances which inspires me a lot. I feel connected with them even when we just met. I think that's how powerful having the same mentor in life could be.
On 15th November 2023, our mentor (Daisaku Ikeda) passed away at 95 years old. When I heard of this news, I was empty but it didn't really made me cry. He has done a lot over the past years and living up to 95 years old is considered amazing.
Fast forward to the retreat, most of the regional leaders gathered in Jakarta. I listened to a lot of people sharing about our mentor and along the lines, I was moved to tears. It happened a lot of times over the retreat. By the end of the retreat, I was at awed at the amazing people around me and wanted to strive to be a better person in my organization and in my daily life as well.
This year as well, I had the chance to make friends as much as I can. Like cramming for an exams, it felt like I was cramming on socializing. I was tired by the end of the day, looking lifeless. Even coffee can't save me. My introvert spirit is calling to me.
In hindsight, I really enjoy this year's leadership retreat. Unlike last year where I mostly stayed with my group. I sat with people I've just met, make the first move to introduce myself, had random convo with a lot of people. I'm really grateful to participate in the retreat. Hopefully, I could bring what I've learnt and inspire my region.
-Reina
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mymemoirs · 4 months
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Tribute to Sensei (1928 - 2023)
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Sensei, though I never met you, I'm lucky to grow up reading your books.
Through your words, It was as if a hand reached out to mine Offering hope and courage, a way to view life in its full potential.
As we celebrate your life, I vow to follow your exemplary strive towards kosenrufu.
Surabaya, 20 November 2023
- Reina
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mymemoirs · 4 months
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Looming Burnout
They say before you lose yourself or when you're at the edge of burning out, you'll know. Today, I started to feel the burden of taking too much work slowly creeping up on me. I'm not breaking down yet (hopefully not) but I'm experiencing waves of anxiety hitting me.
Be it work or organization stuff, there's a lot of deadlines I had to meet. Especially when there's less than two months to go towards 2024. I'm scared that I won't be able to finish what I had to do with work, it's such a dreadful feeling and I can't really help it.
The only thing I could do to alleviate this is to try making what little progress I could make during my weekends. Why didn't I request for overtime? Aren't what I'm doing akin to one?
Well, I'm not really the "overtime-gal". In fact, I hate requesting for overtime. As much as possible, since I work in a typical 8 to 5 office hours, I would try to finish my work during office hours. Also, I live two hours away from my office. It's quite far and I don't really want to go there during my weekends when I can actually do work from here (well, my work are online by nature). Another reason besides from the long commute is not wanting to spend the whole day working, which is the whole point.
So yeah, while doing some menial work to ease my Monday, I'm also trying to keep myself entertained. Seeing that I have the symptoms of burning out, I rethink my choice of working on weekends. After all, the reason why I break down the other day was because I think I didn't have much time for myself and was too tired of having activities all weekend continuously.
While there's no wrong in cutting down my workload little by little on weekends, I still need to find ways to uplift myself for I need all the energy to brace the weekdays.
Wishing everyone reading lots of luck, - Reina.
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mymemoirs · 5 months
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DOTS
We’re like tiny dots on this vast Earth. Unseen to the naked eyes, a red thread bounds one to the other. Unbreakable, as it stretches across the lands and oceans. Maybe that’s how you still meet the one despite the gap.
It’s a curious thing, how one love’s story spun, Two souls meet, and their hearts become one. They say it’s the moon’s old man guiding hand. Uniting hearts even from different lands.
But to get to this moment, where love takes its flight, Through all the trials and challenges, It takes courage, patience and trust, To fell in and out of love but love eventually emerge victoriously.
So, here’s a toast to a new chapter in life. May your love shine ever so bright. As you journey through pages of life together.
Sincerely, a dot in this vast Earth’s embrace, Wishing you love, joy and endless grace.
-Reina x ChatGPT 7th October 2023
PS. Yes, you read it. It was written together with ChatGPT and I gifted this poem to a friend of mine who got married last September.
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mymemoirs · 5 months
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On Writing & Physical Environment
One of the things I picked up during lockdown was watching tarot reading on Youtube. For me, who had just graduated, watching tarot readers was my source of solace in times when there were a lot of uncertainties in the world and time on my hand. It was nice to have someone with soothing voice telling you that things will be alright even with all the challenges you had to face along the way.
This habit of watching tarot reading from time to time continues until now (btw, my fav tarot reader is Kino Tarot for anyone wondering). I didn't watch as much as before but what I learned from watching those videos are how to put my feelings into words. Sometimes, you can't put a finger to what you're experiencing, and BOOM, the tarot reader skillfully put those into words. It wasn't always like this, but that's how I personally viewed tarot reading.
Disclaimer: Watching tarot reading doesn't mean you're hinging your life into some external forces or believing it can predict your future. I solemnly believe that the ability to move mountains lies within one's self.
Okay, enough with that introduction. So, a couple of weeks ago, I was doing my stuff while watching a pick-a-card tarot reading and through the group of card I chose, I was made aware how "physical environment" matters to my group.
I resonate a lot with that. I always told my close friends that I find certain places, easy to draw inspiration from. When I was an intern in Tangerang, I could write almost every day. Maybe it's because I joined a writing club back then that regularly publishes writing prompt, maybe it's because we always hang out at a cafe after work, maybe it's the weather, maybe it's the novelty of being in a new city, maybe, maybe, the lists goes on. There were a lot of things that I could factor in, but the peak of my writing phase so far had been that period of time. Only one month but it was etched in me and on the writings that I published.
I wish that my current job and environment could let me draw inspiration daily but alas, it wasn't the case. Just looking at the graphics, the time I write and write decreases drastically this past year. I was honestly sad, also frustrated for not doing anything about this. My vocabulary depleted and there were times I struggled finding the right diction for my writings.
I find writing to be my biggest source of comfort. If someone were to stop me from writing, I think I won't be able to stand it. I don't know when this has become a thing for me. Writing might not come easily to me lately but I think about writing a lot. Writing not in the context of jotting down minutes of meeting but for the sake of indulging in our own monologue literarily.
As if tarot reading wasn't enough, I find myself once again at awe on Victor Hugo's (author of The Hunchback of Notre-Dame and Les Misérables) workplace. In Hugo's Hauteville House at Guernsey, there sits at top was his belvedere or glass room that looks upon the scenic view of his home surroundings. When I saw an article on this, I immediately think of "writing" and "environment", and it hits me, I need to write about this (thus, this article).
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I am honestly a fan of sunlight (I can sleep with a glaring sun light, but I find sleeping with lamplight difficult), big windows and study room. To me, who fantasize about having her own personal study room prior to the house, finds Victor Hugo's Belvedere compelling. It wasn't how I would imagine my ideal study room but it does gives me ideas on building one in the future.
But I shall leave this to the future.
Now, a pressing matter to attend is how to evoke the best environment for one to write? Even though I am currently writing, I constantly finding myself falling in and out of focus. I was only able to finish this post because my sisters went outside and I had this desk for myself. At least enough for me to put one laptop and a mouse.
If we had to copy the writing environment in Tangerang, it wasn't exactly the space where I write in. Sure, I still prefer typing on laptop rather than writing on paper or phone. But I did all of that, in my bed or sometimes on the coffee shop table. A bed wasn't an ideal spot to work and coffee shop doesn't always conjure my writing spirit. So what is then?
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The thing that came to my mind would be being in a novel space. Allowing myself to just write without hesitance. Tidy (which is soooo not where I am right now). Greens, since I mix well with the nature. And I guess, the time to indulge and let your mind wander in and out. This was not very much accessible to me right now. But I know it's not impossible to create this environment for myself. It just needs a lil bit of work. Whether it's moving away, cleaning up your desk, designating a writing time, or simply do novel things and read books.
I will write again in a better place.
- Reina
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mymemoirs · 6 months
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A Modern Bard: What's Your Story?
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I believe each and every one of us is a storyteller. It's just a matter of whether you're good at telling stories or not, but we all are at some point a modern bard, retelling our life stories to ourselves and others. It could be that some of us are good at retelling tragedies and hardships, while others are adept at finding meaning and hope in every story he/she tells.
As a fan of stories myself (people who knows me, knows I love stories even in games), I know firsthand how powerful stories are. Just a couple of words could evoke all kind of emotions and thoughts. Hell, it could even "moved" you, literally.
Despite knowing how powerful it is, it doesn't automatically made me a better storyteller, especially to myself. GI Joe Fallacy, just knowing is not enough to win the battle. The narratives you told yourself have the ability to empower yourself or even worse, shackle you in an imaginary cage of depressions.
Lately, I've caught myself reading or watching books that discussed about this (for anyone interested, it was a TED talk "The Secret to Mastering Life's Biggest Transitions" by Bruce Feiler and a book called "Unlimited Power" by Anthony Robbins). Even if we didn't realized it yet, somewhere in the background, we're writing a story we tell to ourselves and others. We just need to listen to it.
This statement tempted me to question, "What story have I been telling myself?" or "How have I painted myself these days?".
So, I tried to look at past conversations with friends and acquaintances, my writings, etc. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure on what kind of a storyteller I made myself to be. Maybe, I just don't want to admit what a horrible storyteller I turned out to be.
We all know, people who have a positive outlook in life often times have more things to be grateful for and are generally happier. As much as I wanted that for myself, I realized it's not enough to just "be positive" when I'm a natural pessimistic. It just felt delusional, as if you're lying to yourself.
However, it wasn't always like this. I wasn't always negative. In fact, I think I learnt to project hopeful outlook from the people around me. If those around me could achieve their desired life because they stay hopeful, then I need to slowly learn how to cast away bad thoughts and encourage those who's struggling as well.
These past months, I have this immense feeling that I'm stuck (I still do sometimes), that I will never go anywhere or my life will never amount to anything. But if I took the courage to step back and look at the big picture, in which it's an unfinished work of art, I'll learn that what I'm going through is preparing myself for what's ahead. I just need to believe that everything I've gone through will make sense to me one day.
"One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful" - Sigmund Freud
I wasn't ready yet to accept how big of an impact the narratives I told have on myself and on my future. To add it, no one is responsible for my life story except myself, whether it's my own family, my friends, my abuser or enemies. No one should be held liable on how my life story unfolds. I am the author of this life and I am the captain of this ship.
-Reina
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mymemoirs · 7 months
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Self Portraits
If artists do a self portraits, then...
There's this girl I've known for a very long time. I think it was around 2 years ago, when I came back to this city again, that we lost in touch.
Every time she reached out to me, I always shut her down or maybe ask her to wait "till I'm not busy anymore" or so I told her.
Now, she rarely visits me anymore
And I miss her. I remembered being so close to her on 2018 as our minds wander a new city.
A change of pace, A rush of inspiration.
Everyday, we drew inspiration by just waking up and looking forward to our days.
It was eventful, maybe that's why I long to move away in hopes to reconnect with you.
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There's also this girl back in high school I remembered her back as she prays in front of the altar.
She cries, she worries and she hopes.
I remembered those promises I made to her back then. I still do, and it haunts me to have yet fulfill my promises to her.
She was brimming with hope for her future I don't blame her, everything seems possible back then.
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Then there's me, Most of the time I avoided talking about "me" The girl who ignores and breaks her promises It was never easy to speak about her Even now, I'm left speechless.
I don't dream and hope as much for myself. But I remembered what those girls wanted and it has always bothered me.
Because, even though the me now are much wiser & older than them. I am still that girl two years ago and the girl back in high school.
So, as much as I hate to admit it. I want to fulfill their wishes. Some might say it's unwise to listen to someone naïve and young giving in to the whims of two girls who still have twinkles in their eyes.
But I wanted to give it a shot. At least, after I fought hard for them, I could look at their eyes properly and said, "I tried my best."
And who knows? Maybe after this, the me now might be brave enough to dream again.
Surabaya, 4th July 2023 Reina.
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mymemoirs · 8 months
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Unfinished
Somedays Something are left unfinished They leave you with a lingering feeling Like starting with a "Hi" but no "Good Bye"
And in a search of a closure, they seek for you Somedays are just "drafts" for you to get back in the future
-Reina
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mymemoirs · 9 months
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The Girl on the Bus
Today I stared at the reflection of a girl Behind her glasses, are eyes that shed tears. In silence, her thoughts were the loudest.
Her reflection stays, but she wish she was elsewhere.
Look beyond, The moving roads called upon her. Look beyond! You're the girl on the bus to somewhere.
Surabaya, 16th May 2023
-Reina
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mymemoirs · 9 months
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"Just as you searched for Uihyeon this whole time, I also searched for you. I hope you were alive. So live, Su-A Heo"
- Haesu to Su-A in Chapter 95 of Whale Star: The Gyeongseong Mermaid
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I remembered reading the author's interview on the writing process of Whale Star (unfortunately I don't remember which website I read it from), I think she wrote powerful dialogues and monologues which she really give some thoughts to. She really tried to think what kind of conversation or thoughts would the characters have and the context in it.
In this case, this dialogue happened after Su-A was shot by the Japanese soldier and reuniting with Haesu and Uihyeon. Although the word "love" or "like" wasn't mentioned, what Haesu implies at that time feels like a confession especially when it's the first time they meet again when Su-A departs without him to find Uihyeon. It also shows how he came to care for Su-A, the girl he tried to poison in the past.
At some point in the story, I wanted to cheer for him and hope that he will one day be able to live happily.
-Reina
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