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movieexpert1978 · 2 years

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Different Stages

ok, so I wrote this a while back. I think I wrote this when the first trailer/teaser trailer for Spiderman: No Way Home came out and I spiraled back into my childhood crush of Doc Ock played by Alfred Molina. Anyway, so a relationship grows between our lovely Doctor and an assassin that he runs into one night while going home.

violence, blood, swearing, fighting, gun violence, slightly gore, fluff, slow burn, some romance, some cuteness too

hope you like it and comments always welcome

She had met him more by accident when she had just finished a job. She was tucking her rifle away when she heard a constant thudding. It reminded her of the T-rex arrival in Jurassic Park. She kept her gun out as he arrived. She had seen the papers and he was the infamous Doctor Octopus as they had labeled him. Two mechanical arms were on the ground while the other two hung around his shoulders protectively.

“Are you going to shoot me?” He asked curiously.

“No, I don’t kill people for free.” She shrugged, lowering the rifle. He took off his sunglasses to look at her.

“You don’t look like an assassin.” He said.

“I know Doctor. That’s why I do it.” She smiled. An eyebrow arched curiously at her comment. “So just passing through?” She asked.

“Actually yes.”

“Well Doctor I won’t keep you. Have a nice day.” She said before leaving.

“Yes that was weird.” Otto said to the arms. There a few more encounters like that until he finally got her one quiet night.

“Are you stalking me Doctor?” She teased.

“Call me Otto.” He answered. “And…yes I supposed I am because I would like to know your name.”

“Call me Evee.” She answered.

“Like the Pokémon?” He asked surprised.

“Oh nice…you’re a bigger nerd than I thought.” She smirked.

“I’ve got a lot more time on my hands.” He shrugged.

“My full name is Evelyn, but I prefer Evee since I always have to change my look at times for a job.” She said, showing a wig. Her hair was short but had some dark orange highlights in it.

“Why the orange?”

“Fall is my favorite season.”

“It’s September.”

“What? Don’t tell me you’re a Christmas person?” She huffed.

“No I prefer summer.” He stated.

“Hey if they can do fucking Christmas in July and have Christmas trees out at the end of September then I sure as hell can do my Halloween at the start of August.” She said defensively. Otto let out a genuine good belly laugh.

“Fair enough. That’s true.” He chuckled as he walked closer to her on his own legs.

“Why the sunglasses?”

“My eyes were damaged in an accident.”

“Oh that failed energy fusion thing?” She asked.

“Yes.” He nodded quietly. He noticed her eyes were an interesting shade of green. The arms stared at her curiously as well. One inched up to her and she held out her hand. It nudged it and she traced her fingertips along the metal.

“Are they alive?” She asked.

“In a sense yes, artificial intelligence.” He explained. “They’re surprised you’re not scared of them.” He added.

“I’ve seen people do a lot worse.” She shrugged.

“Is this your style, hanging on roof tops and shooting people?”

“It’s the most effective method.” She answered. “And I’m quite good at it.” She winked. “Can they come off?” She asked pointing to the arms.

“No.” He turned around and showed her the outer spinal column that had been fused into his spine. “That happened during the accident too.” He said before he turned around.

“Ouch, I’m sorry.” She said with sympathy, but he only shrugged.

“I can do a lot more now.” He said. “So Evee, do you live in the city?” He asked.

“Why? You want a date?” She teased. He actually blushed.

“No, I just wanted to ask since we keep running into each other.” He said quickly.

“Well yes I do.” She smirked. She took out a notepad and wrote something on it. She walked over and put it in his coat pocket. “If you ever want to drop by.” She winked before she left.

Xxxxxxx

The October chill was starting to come and things were getting wet with the rain as well. Evee had finished another job and she started to walk home. Her rifle concealed in it’s long back pack. She stopped and sniffed the air. “Mmmm…rain is coming.” She said. She also noticed the smell of bad after shave as she started walking again. She knew she was being followed as the rain started to fall. She walked down a few back alleys she knew and tucked her rifle in a corner she knew wouldn’t be disturbed. She walked calmly as her other two guns hung on her hips under her long jacket. It wasn’t long before she heard footsteps. She wouldn’t be surprised if more people poped out so she had to keep her eyes open.

“Fuck it.” She whispered to herself. She spun around with her guns and started shooting. She took out two before more men charged at her from the sides. She ducked and spun around one guy, using him as a shield as his companions still fired and killed him. Evee got off a few more shots before she was punched at from behind. She growled as she grabbed his arms and elbowed him right in the face and broke his nose. He shouted in pain as she shot him in the head. Evee shouted when one man plunged a knife deep in her hip and dragged it to make her bleed.

“Fucker!” She shouted and punched him right in the throat. He started gasping for breath as she shot him. A few more shots and the group was finally down, leaving her breathing hard. “Fuck!” She gritted as she stared at the infernal knife. She couldn’t take it out until she got to her apartment because that’s where her medical kit was. She was limping badly as she made her way back home and finally closed the door behind her. She stumbled into her bedroom and yanked the comforter off. It wasn’t the first time she had nights like this and it made her invest in black bed sheets to help deal with the blood. She got into a tang top and cut her pants off before grabbing the medical kit.

“What happened?” Someone spoke. Evee grabbed the knife at her nightstand and threw it. It was easily knocked out of the way by one of the arms.

“Otto…fuck…sorry…act first… think later.” She sighed.

“No hard feelings.” He said as he came over to her. “What happened?” He asked again.

“Got jumped by a few pros. They didn’t make it.” She smiled.

“Is this normal for you?” He asked.

“Happens at least once a year. People do it to cover their tracks or just want to get rid of the competition.” She shrugged. He couldn’t believe she was so casual about the whole thing, not to mention the knife still in her. “You wouldn’t happen to be a medical doctor too?” She asked with a smirk.

“I have picked up a few more medical skills. Could I tell you if you hit a vein? No. Could I stitch that up if you asked me…yes.” He stated.

“Thank you.” She sighed. He took his coat and gloves off, along with his sunglasses and rolled up his sleeves. “I’m not going to talk you through it.” She said.

“I don’t need you too.” He replied.

“Good, because I’m taking a shot of morphine.” She said as she dug through the bag.

“You’ve got morphine in there?” He gasped.

“Yeah, never leave home without it.” She grinned.

“Easy.” He said taking her hand. She looked at him and for the first time since the fight she was able to finally catch her breath. “You don’t have to be so brave when you’re with me.” He said gently.

“Thank you Otto.” She rasped quietly. After a few moments he helped her take her shot and laid her down on the bed. “Next time we have to have dinner first.” She mumbled before she fell asleep.

Xxxxxxx

She woke up with a hiss of throbbing pain in her leg. She looked down and saw a blanket on her. She pulled it off a bit and saw her wound all bandaged up. She looked at it puzzled for a moment as she started to remember last night.

“Thank you Otto.” She sighed.

“You’re welcome.” He answered as he came into the room. She looked up to see him holding a plate of breakfast for her. While one the arms held a gall of orange juice for her.

“Awww.” She smiled weakly as he came over to her. “Hey can you hand me that aspirin bottle please?” She said pointing. Another arm handed it to her and she couldn’t help but giggle. “They’re so cute once you get used to them.” She said.

“They say thank you.” He said. She took her pills and started eating.

“Thank you for your help last night Otto.” She said quietly.

“You’re welcome Evee.” He smiled.

“Can you…can you stay with me for a little bit…please?” She asked almost like a frightened child.

“Of course.” He nods and sits next to her. After she finished her food she snuggles up to him and he doesn’t question it.

“Did you eat already?” She mumbled.

“Yes. Your apartment is very nice. I’m guessing you own it?”

“Yup.” He started rubbing her back and she hummed softly. The aspirin helped with her throbbing leg. She felt warm and safe in his arms. She couldn’t help but cling to him a bit more tightly.

“Are you ok? You’re tense.” Otto said.

“I can’t remember the last time I felt safe with someone.” She answered honestly. She looks up at him again as he gazes at her. “I know that probably sounds weird coming from me right?” She laughed weakly.

“No.” He said shaking his head. “I’m glad you feel safe with me.” He smiles. She leans in a little closer and so does he. She’s hesitant to go further, but he does it for her. He gently kisses her and she eagerly responds to his touch. She moans softly against his mouth as he lays her back down while his hands cup her face. When he finally pulls away her vision is blurry as she tries to catch her breath. “Evee what’s wrong? You’re crying. Did I hurt you?” He asks concerned.

“N-no.” She says, surprised that’s she’s crying. “It’s just…it’s been a while since I’ve felt a connection with someone.” She admits.

“I understand.” He nods. “I lost my wife, Rosie, in the accident. I thought it was all over…but they…talked to me.” He said pointing to the arms. “And then I kept running into this assassin who named herself after a Pokémon.” He laughed. She couldn’t help but join in.

“I hope I get to meet her sometime.” Evee teased. Otto leaned into her again and gave her another tender kiss.

“Can I stay here for a little bit…please?” Otto whispered. She could hear the pleading in his voice.

“Of course you can.” She smiled. Otto pulled her back into his embrace gently. The arms wrapped around Evee carefully and protectively. She felt him kiss the top of her head before she fell back to sleep to the hum of the metal and the beating of his strong heart.

#doc ock #alfred molina #doc ock x oc #doc ock x oc female #otto octavius #swearing #blood #slight gore #some gun violence #fighting #fluff #cuteness #slow burn #some romance

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luke-skyjokers · 2 years

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NO WAY HOME IS A WILD RIDE Y’ALL!!!!

Spoilers under the cut:

Oh my gosh, all I’ve done since leaving the theater is flail and scream. Lol. It was AMAZING. An emotional roller coaster, though, I cried for like a quarter of the movie.

MY MUFFIN RETURNED!!! That one second shot of Matt’s cane and I almost flew out of my seat. I missed him so much!!!! That brick catch was SICK.

The villains! Seeing them all again was so fun! I know we knew they were coming but still so fun. All of them together at Happy’s house, I knew something was gonna go down, especially with Norman, but...

I did not see Aunt May’s death coming. I really didn’t. I loved Marisa’s Aunt May, she was the sweetest and I really thought she was going to be okay until she collapsed. I sobbed at her death. Peter’s reaction and then Happy pulling up, just devastating. We got the famous “With great power...” quote but at what cost? AGAIN?

Then the long drawn out shot of Peter in the rain and Ned and MJ waiting for him to call. The tears kept falling. They didn’t stop until Ned used Stephen’s ring to search for Peter Parker.

I recognized Andrew’s suit’s eyes first and I cheered. His appearance was so fun! I can’t say it was a surprise, I figured he was coming, but still what a blast of an entrance!

Then Ned tries again and we got a weirdly plain clothed TOBEY!!!! I have had a crush on Tobey’s Peter Parker since I was EIGHT YEARS OLD. And now I’m 26. I flipped even more. Again, not really a surprise, but my heart, y’all. My heart.

The two of them meeting Tom’s Peter on the roof of the school was incredible. The three of them just being together explaining bits from their own universes. Andrew’s Peter talking about Gwen broke me. Then the three of the working together was fantastic. Three science geeks being all cute working to help cure people.

Tobey’s Peter said it’s complicated with his MJ. Freaking still??? Come on man. Lol.

Seeing all three of them suit up and just being bros was so much fun. I keep using that word a lot, but it’s the most appropriate word. The barbs and banter at Tobey’s Peter not needing web fluid and Andrew’s Peter cracking Tobey’s Peter’s back, so fun. Asking about the Avengers was so funny. When they made a plan and swung together it was so surreal. What a ride. That glorious shot of them against the moon and posing together. UGH. POETIC CINEMA.

MJ falling and Andrew’s Peter catching her made me bawl. And then he cried and I bawled even harder. That meant so much to him.

I liked that they helped all of their foes and that Doc Ock became good again and helped them. I saw Tom’s Peter wanting to kill Green Goblin from a mile away but Tobey’s Peter stopping him brought tears to my eyes. Then I promptly flipped after Tobey’s Peter was stabbed. The whole theater freaked. I’m so glad they played it off and he survived ‘cause I woulda been MAD. That triple Peter group hug was one of the sweetest moments in the entire MCU. Maybe even movie history.

Tom’s Peter deciding to make everyone forget and Stephen’s sadness doing it hurt. Watching all the villains and Tobey’s and Andrew’s Peters go back to their own universes was emotional in different ways, like sad to see them leave but knowing they’d be okay was good.

Peter going to the coffee shop to see MJ and then Ned walks in and they have no clue who he is broke me. Him standing at May’s grave and then Happy comes up and doesn’t know who he is and then Happy referencing Tony. I kept crying.

The shabby new apartment Peter’s in is so tiny but looked so familiar at the same time, ya know. The shot of the sewing machine and then Peter leaving the apartment in his new suit. The most Spider-Man looking off all his suits if I do say so myself. I loved him swinging around the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree, great movie ending shots.

That mid credit scene sure was fun. EDDIE BABY looking all cute and being plastered trying to understand more about the MCU verse. Tee-hee. Venom’s voice of reason is always extra fun. I didn’t like seeing them leave but that little gift they left behind... watch out Peter. (Also Tobey’s Peter “I fought an alien who was black goo.” Gold. Lol.)

And that end credits scene... Wanda!! I can’t wait for Multiverse of Madness. I want to see more of Stephen and more of my Queen! Looks like it’ll be another emotional rollercoaster!

I could keep going but I need to stop. Lol. What a GREAT movie!

#peter parker #spider man: no way home #no more tags they'd be too spoilery

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lisatelramor · 5 years

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NLTSA Extra: Christmas at Aoko’s

Happy Holiday season guys! This is just after the epilogue of NLTSA

It was weird to be sitting in Aoko’s living room with Kaito at his side and Takumi fidgeting with excitement next to a cheap paper Christmas tree that looked like it had been made with a couple of pieces of green cardstock. Considering neither Aoko nor Takumi celebrated the holiday for religious reasons, it was more decoration than he’d expected. The invitation hadn’t been expected either, but it seemed that Takumi had wanted to share their holiday routine since Saguru had invited him and Kaito to pre-Christmas baking as part of Saguru’s routine. When Takumi asked, Saguru hadn’t been able to say no even knowing the high likelihood that it could end in disaster. Yet here they were, sitting in the same room without anyone killing anyone yet.

They’d eaten the odd Japanese tradition of fried chicken and Christmas cake before Takumi tugged them into the living room to exchange gifts.

They’d given Takumi his gifts first, a new lacrosse stick from Aoko, a multi-tool from Kaito, and a novel Saguru had come across that he’d thought Takumi might like. They’d been well-received with smiles, though the whole time Kaito and Aoko had kept glancing at each other like they were waiting for the whole thing to fall apart.

Surprisingly, it seemed they usually gave each other gifts at Christmas as well, even with everything between them, though Kaito had said they were predictable and not always given with the most friendly intent over the years. He’d listed off the exchanges when they’d been out shopping together. Aoko got something floral from Kaito, Kaito almost always got an addition to his clock ‘collection’.

The gift Aoko held out to Kaito was bigger than expected, rectangular instead of the square of an average wall clock box. Kaito took it with a wry smile.

“Let me guess,” Kaito said, slitting open the wrapping paper, “another cl—ock.” It wasn’t a clock, but something roughly shaped like a scrapbook. Kaito looked over at Aoko, shock and gratitude mingling openly in his expression. “I thought you threw this out.”

Aoko shrugged. She couldn’t quite look his direction as she waved a hand. “Someone rescued it from the trash,” she said, waving a hand like it would make the gift mean less. “I just found it when I was cleaning the closet and figured you would get more from it than I would.”

“What is it?” Saguru asked. He leaned over Kaito’s shoulder to see better. Kaito opened up leather binding to reveal photos—high school photos—some of him, some of Aoko, most together. There was even Saguru in the background of some as Kaito flipped through slowly. “When were these even taken?”

“When we graduated—so after you left—a few classmates got together and pooled all the photos they took from high school and made albums for everyone. They gave Aoko and me a shared album since we were all but married by that point.” He paused on a page, the Aoko in the picture blushing and clearly trying to pretend she wasn’t pleased while Kaito grinned at her, something small hidden in his hand. Takumi settled on Kaito’s other side to look too. “They even got me proposing to her.”

“Because you had to be a dork and propose in front of everyone in class,” Aoko grumbled. “It would have been more romantic somewhere else.”

“You were happy enough about it at the time,” Kaito said, sticking his tongue out at her. Aoko rolled her eyes. The next page was Aoko kissing Kaito in front of the whole class, so yes, she must have been happy. Kaito smiled at the photo. “Thank you, Aoko, really.”

Aoko sighed. “Well... If we’re starting over, I figured I might as well give you something you actually wanted this year.”

Kaito laughed. “Makes me feel a bit silly with my gift...”

“Flowers?” she asked, smiling crookedly.

“Flowers,” Kaito agreed. “Although this year...” He walked to where he’d set his gifts, pulling out the orchid he’d carefully bundled to transport it through the cold. “I thought something that lasted might be nice. Instead of cut flowers. And if it’s cared for, it’ll bloom again.” Its blossoms were a delicate, pale pink, two flower stems supported by sticks.

Aoko snorted, taking the pot with a tenderness to her smile that was rarely directed at Kaito these days. “It’s beautiful. And don’t think I missed the metaphor there; care for it and it’ll bloom again.”

“It wasn’t meant to be a metaphor,” Kaito protested, “but sure, that works too.”

At his seat on the floor, Takumi shifted, clearly getting tired of waiting. “Okay,” he said a bit too loud. “I’m really glad you’re not at each other’s throats and we can actually have a decent gift exchange this year, but can I give my gifts now?” His open presents were at his knees but he’d kept a small pile of hand-wrapped gifts at his side, waiting to pass them out.

Aoko rolled her eyes. “Have at it.”

“Here!” Takumi shoved a box toward Kaito, then a bag to Aoko and a rectangular wrapped package at Saguru. “Y’know with how much I’ve been grounded I actually had money to buy gifts this year,” Takumi said with wry humor.

“Do we open them in a particular order?” Kaito joked.

“Just open them!”

Kaito laughed and slit open the paper. Inside was a plain box, but when he opened it up it was full of small trinkets, all Kid memorabilia.

“So,” Takumi said, fiddling with the paper tree nervously, “I figured since you’ve been trying to keep it secret so long and you stopped pretending to be a Kid fan when you married Kaa-san—well, sort of stopped with being a Kid fan—” Saguru vaguely remembered that being something Kaito mentioned as a conflict before their divorce. “—you probably didn’t keep and Kid merchandise and after your farewell heist things kind of exploded for a bit with Kid stuff, so...” Takumi waved a hand at the box. “Shiemi picked the best ones she saw since I was still grounded. I just thought you might like a, er, positive reminder of it now that you retired.”

Kaito lifted a keychain and smiled. “Thank you,” he said. Aoko looked resigned, but surprisingly not upset. Saguru had a feeling that Kaito was going to add the gifts to the collection of actual Kid items in his secret room. Kaito was slowly transitioning it into something like a museum with records of all his heists and the tricks he’d performed at them.

“Me next I guess,” Aoko said.

She pulled tiny bottles and packets out of the bag one by one until she had what amounted to a home spa kit by her feet.

“I couldn’t afford to get you an actual ticket to a spa,” Takumi said by way of explanation. “So, home spa it is. One day of your choice where you can spend it relaxing and I’ll take care of anything you need or want, okay?”

Aoko snorted, holding up what looked like a face mask. “I’ll hold you to that. I haven’t exactly spent much time relaxing the last few years.”

“All the more reason,” Takumi said. “Now you, Hakuba-sensei,” he said turning to Saguru.

Saguru opened his gift with good humor. A collection of Basil Rathbone Sherlock Holmes DVDs emerged from the wrapping.

“You mentioned that was your favorite adaptation of Holmes,” Takumi said, more nervous about this than he had been with the other two gifts. “I found someone selling it online and thought you might like it...”

“I do,” Saguru said, touched that Takumi had remembered something said in passing at a literature club meeting. “I haven’t watched them in years.” He’d never had the whole collection either, only a few of the films. These had been remastered and restored with all of the films Rathbone had played Holmes in. “Thank you.”

“No problem,” Takumi said, beaming. “Happy Christmas.”

“Happy Christmas, Takumi.”

“Christmas puzzle time!” Kaito announced, pulling a box seemingly out of thin air—Saguru wasn’t sure how he’d manage to hide it, but he must have grabbed it the same time he got Aoko’s gift. “Saguru, you have your tradition, but Takumi and I put a puzzle together every year.” Usually not with Aoko, Saguru guessed, as Kaito turned to her. “Can we take over your table for a while?”

Aoko shrugged. “Have at it. Though you’d better not leave me out.”

Takumi’s face lit up. He snatched the box. “Kitchen table! It has the best lighting!”

Kaito snickered as Takumi ran out of the room. “I got one without a picture on the box this year. It’s a puzzle surprise.”

“Let me guess, it’s something with complex and similar patterns, isn’t it?”

“Abstract,” Kaito confirmed. “It’s going to be an eyestrain.”

“Sounds like something we’ll all enjoy then.”

Aoko laughed at them. “Let’s see, a police inspector, an ex-detective, a man who has put half-destroyed relics back together piece by piece, and a high school student. Who has the advantage here?”

“Takumi of course,” Kaito said. “He hasn’t had half the eye strain as the rest of us.”

Aoko swatted at him cheerfully as they moved to the kitchen.

Takumi popped his head around the corner. “Oh yeah, were there any other gifts left to exchange?”

Saguru glanced at Aoko. He had something small for her, but he and Kaito had decided to forgo gifts in exchange for a trip the next time they both had time. “Just this.” He gave Aoko a small bag with a decorative scented candle.

“Thank you, Hakuba-san.” She gave him back a package of store-bought candies. Black tea flavored.

Saguru smiled. “I didn’t know that they made something like that. Thank you.”

“I’m always amazed what some stores carry.” She grinned at Takumi. “Now we can do the puzzle.”

“Perfect. I call edge pieces,” Takumi said, dumping the box on the table.

Kaito took a moment to join them and so Saguru lingered too, standing in the doorway as Aoko and Takumi bent over puzzle pieces.

“Sorry,” Kaito said, barely a whisper. “It’s just... this is the sort of thing I’ve wished would happen for years and it doesn’t quite feel real yet.”

Saguru caught him in a half hug. “Hopefully there will be many more years of this.”

“Yeah.” Kaito pecked Saguru on the lips and went to join the others at the table.

Aoko raised an eyebrow at Saguru. Saguru blushed. He still got caught off guard by a simple act of affection. Well, more affection in front of people. Thankfully, Aoko just looked amused.

“You get to look for pieces with blue on them, Hakuba-san,” Aoko said.

Saguru took a seat by Kaito and started looking for pieces to put together.

#nltsa #detective conan #magic kaito #fanfiction #not left to stand alone extra #my writing

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funface2 · 5 years

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50 of Liam Gallagher's funniest quotes and insults as Oasis frontman returns with new album Why Me? Why Not – iNews

DistractionsJokes

“If I wasn’t a musician I don’t know. I’d be God, maybe? That would be a good job.”

Monday, 23rd September 2019, 13:49 pm

Updated Monday, 23rd September 2019, 15:05 pm

Much like the bitter rivals of his beloved Manchester City, Liam Gallagher is hated and adored, but never ignored.

The former Oasis and Beady Eye frontman has never held back on publicly slating fellow musicians, footballers, politicians and, of course, his brother.

Here’s the world according to Liam Gallagher:

The i newsletter cut through the noise

*Warning: this list unsurprisingly contains liberal use of the f-word and adult humour*

On Glastonbury

(Getty Images)

“I f***ing hate Glastonbury, mate. I’m only here for the money.”

On Gary Neville

“If the world was full of fucking Gary Nevilles, it would be bobbins. He looks like an estate agent.”

On Mumford and Sons

”Everyone looks like they’ve got fucking nits and eat lentil soup with their sleeves rolled up!”

“I’m sure they’re all nice lads but that’s not for me. They look like f***ing Amish people. I need music to be a bit more sexy and played by people who look a bit f***ing dangerous.”

On George Harrison and Keith Richards

“They’re jealous and senile and not getting enough fucking meat pies.”

On Chris Martin

“I don’t hate Chris Martin. I don’t know him, know what I mean? I just thinks he’s a bit giddy. He ought to calm down, he isn’t gonna save the world.”

“Chris Martin looks like a geography teacher. What’s all that with writing messages about Free Trade? If he wants to write things down I’ll give him a pen and a pad of paper. Bunch of students.”

On Muse

“Muse f***ing scare me. They’re like f***ing creepy s**t. But people like ’em. They at least play guitars, but when I hear his voice I’m like, Ah, f**k him.”

On Bloc Party

“I really despise this new fucking disease of indie f***ing s**t, f***ing student music, the likes of Bloc Party and all that f***ing nonsense. They don’t keep me awake at night, but it’s just s***e, and they can f***ing have it mate.”

On Wayne Rooney

“He looks like a f***ing balloon with a f***ing Weetabix crushed on top. He’s better off as a skinhead, isn’t he?”

On A$AP Rocky

“My kids also like that bloke, WhatsApp Ricky. You know, the American geezer, stylish, funny, gold teeth. [asked if he means A$AP Rocky] Oh yeah, that’s the fella. WhatsApp Ricky. That’s a better fucking name anyway.”

On the Beatles

“The Beatles play guitars, we play guitars. The Beatles got hair, we’ve got hair. The Beatles got arms, we’ve got arms.”

On his brother

(Getty Images)

“I’m insulted that people think Noel Gallagher has been f***ing carrying this band for the last 18 years. People were saying, ‘Oh it’s going to be f***ing s**t.’ It’s like, are you tripping or what?”

“I like Noel outside the band. Human Noel – that’s my brother – I f***ing adore him and I’d do anything for him. But the geezer that’s in this f***ing business, he’s one of the biggest c*cks in the universe.”

“People think I’m just a f***ing lunatic, but Noel can be a little b*tch, too.”

On David Cameron

“I don’t know what Brexit is, all I know is that David Cameron wants his b***ocks electrocuting for bringing it on in the first place.”

On Mani from the Stone Roses

“I’m moving back to Manchester if City win the league. I’m going to buy a house next to Mani out of Stone Roses and be a real noisy ******* neighbour – hurl abuse at him over the fence.”

On Bono

“You see pictures of Bono running around LA with his little white legs and a bottle of Volvic and he looks like a fanny.”

On parkas

“Its not about the money, I don’t drive cars, I don’t buy Rolexes. But I’ve got enough parkas that I could whip out and still blow people’s minds.”

On alarm clocks

“I’m getting up earlier and earlier now man. I try and beat the alarm clock. The alarm goes off at six and I try to get up at 5.59 just to do its head in.”

On Americans

“Americans want grungy people, stabbing themselves in the head on stage. They get a bright bunch like us, with deodorant on, they don’t get it.”

On Blur

“Being a lad is what I’m about. I can tell you who isn’t a lad: anyone from Blur.”

On Inspiral Carpets

(Getty Images)

“I mean, the devil’s got all the good gear. What’s God got? The Inspiral Carpets and nuns. F*** that.”

On his milkman

“He’s f***ing top, he gave me a pint of lactose-free milk for nothing the other day.”

On the sea

“F**k the sea. I ain’t going in that. F**k that, mate. That ain’t meant for us. That’s meant for the sharks, and the jellyfish, tadpoles and stuff.”

“I can’t swim. I can have a bath and that. I’m all right in a hot tub. But put me out in the ocean and I’m gone.”

On cardigans

“I have got a bit of an issue with cardigans. They’re s**t aren’t they?”

On himself

“I’m an average lad who was born in Burnage who played conkers. Conkers, mate. Conkers. The lot. And now I’m in a band and nothing’s changed.”

“Being me is the best f***ing gig in the world.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever said anything that’s nasty.”

“If I wasn’t a musician I don’t know. I’d be God, maybe? That would be a good job.”

“I am a tender, beautiful and loving guy that happens to slap a photographer now and then because they get in my way.”

“I’m me in the supermarket, the same clothes, the same haircut, the same shades on, when I’m fucking gardening or picking the kids up from school, or dropping ’em off. I’m the same, there’s no double-life, I am what I am.”

(Getty Images)

On Radiohead

“I heard that f***ing Radiohead record and I just go, ‘What?!’ I like to think that what we do, we do f***ing well. Them writing a song about a f***ing tree? Give me a f***ing break! A thousand year old tree? Go f**k yourself!”

On climbing trees

“Climbed one the other day. I was running on the Heath and I thought, ‘that looks like a nice tree, I’m going to climb that fucking tree.’ Climbed it and sat there with my hood up for about 10 minutes.”

On Kanye West

“If I ever win any more f**king awards I’d personally invite him to get up and f**king take my award of me. I f**king tell you that… That was rude when he did that to that girl, that Taylor Swift. So yeah, give me an award and see where it goes. It will roll out of his f**king arse.”

On baldness

“If I lost my hair you would never see me on that stage again, because there’s no place for baldness in rock n roll.”

On the White Stripes

“The White Stripes? F**king rubbish. School ties? At the age of 24? F**king hell.”

On Green Day lead singer Billie Joe Armstrong

“F**k right off. I’m not having him. I just don’t like his head.”

On Russell Brand

“Noel Gallagher, Russell Brand, f***ing hell. What a pair of old housewives.”

On David Attenborough

“He’s like god isn’t he? Got a bit of a god vibe, know what I mean?”

On Love Island

“I like it man, but I don’t truly understand the bit where they’ve got to kip on the floor, outside.”

On the English football team

“A bag of s***e. My grandmother would do better, on acid with a Toblerone stuck up her a**e”

On Jesus Christ

“It’s like would Jesus Christ have been a f***ing pervert if he had a crisp packet on his head?”

On whether he’d prefer to dress like, Mick Jagger, Craig David or Ed Sheeran

“I’d rather be naked. I’d rather set fire to myself, just torch myself.”

On Marilyn Manson

“I said to Marilyn Manson: ‘Your music’s s**t, but your f**king show was mental’.”

On Pete Doherty

(Getty images)

“Pete Doherty needs a slap, and the sooner he gets it, the better.”

On U2

“I have never seen a U2 fan. I have never seen anyone with a U2 shirt or been around someone’s house that has a f***ing U2 record. Where do their fans f***ing come from?”

On Christmas

“The usual. I’ll be sitting there all day, getting w***ered. Probably eating loads of f***ing food an’ all. What are the kids after this year? What do you think? Loads of f***ing toys.”

On Coldplay and Radiohead

“I don’t hate them, I don’t wish they had accidents. I think their fans are boring and ugly and don’t look like they’re having a good time.”

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Bài viết 50 of Liam Gallagher's funniest quotes and insults as Oasis frontman returns with new album Why Me? Why Not – iNews đã xuất hiện đầu tiên vào ngày Funface.

from Funface https://funface.net/funny-quotes/50-of-liam-gallaghers-funniest-quotes-and-insults-as-oasis-frontman-returns-with-new-album-why-me-why-not-inews/

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