#My teenage years was the angstiest writing you can imagine | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

xavantina · 1 year

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I posted 2,645 times in 2022

9 posts created (0%)

2,636 posts reblogged (100%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@i-see-you-jon

@sjweminem

@vildmus

@strideerandflashlightgirl

@powerbottombrucespringsteen

I tagged 1,483 of my posts in 2022

Only 44% of my posts had no tags

#our flag means death - 145 posts

#stranger things - 90 posts

#hannibal - 81 posts

#loki - 73 posts

#succession - 69 posts

#loki series - 68 posts

#mobius m. mobius - 52 posts

#eddie munson - 50 posts

#ugly laughter - 46 posts

#the sandman - 44 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#five minutes of awkward silence eventually replaced by him starting to tell me in detail the workings of elevators and the odds of us dying

My Top Posts in 2022:

cries i love your loki memes

Thank you 😊 I appreciate the support of my meme follies.

1 note - Posted October 24, 2022

Spotify being down causing such a level of distress worldwide really says a lot about our lives…

1 note - Posted March 8, 2022

This is my cat. Her everyday name is Good Girl, but her full name (as written on her pedigree) is Good Girls Go to Heaven.

So you can imagine, based on that, how much Meat Loaf’s music means to me. I’m genuinely upset by this loss. I mean yeah, he had deeply problematic political opinions, but in this case I’m happy to separate art from the artist. Bat Out of Hell is one of my favourite albums of all time, ever since I was a child. It’s one of those cases of “your dad played it a lot and you automatically imprinted on it”. I think we owned it on fucking cassette tape? So yeah, his music is intrinsically tied to my childhood.

Rest in peace, Mr. Loaf.

2 notes - Posted January 22, 2022

I am so very bad at actually doing these things, but I was tagged by the lovely and talented @gavotteangel, so I finally got off my butt and went to town.

Fanfic Writer 20 Questions!

1. how many works do you have on ao3? A measly 31. But in my defense, I’m ancient, so I have posted at least twice as many on LiveJournal back in the day.

2. what’s your total ao3 word count? 162,236

3. how many fandoms have you written for and what are they? Six are represented on AO3, including a mix of various RPF fandoms, Hannibal, Law and Order: SVU, A Series of Unfortunate Events, and recently Loki. But back in my teenage years I wrote fic in the Lord of the Rings fandom, Harry Potter, and as I got older even more diverse RPF, mostly centered around US political media and, uh... Top Gear. Look, I have a past, okay, leave me alone.

4. what are your top five fics by kudos?

Assemble, a lighthearted, non-graphic-but-still-very-shippy Marvel RPF

As Loud as the Hell You Want, smutty Will Graham/Frederick Chilton

The Ties That Bind, a Barisi soulmate AU

Arrest Me - another Barisi fic, this one smutty

Young Police Cadet Bottoms for Busty Blonde - a Carisi/Amaro (and Carisi/OFC) porn fic where I’m actually super proud of the title. it really sets the tone 😂

5. do you respond to comments? why or why not? Almost always. If you took the time to comment, I will take the time to say thank you. Especially when I get the really juicy comments, like those that quote favourite lines and stuff. I love those comments, they’re so helpful!

6. what’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending? I’m really bad at following through on angst, I wrap that shit up with a vaguely happy ending. That said, Control You is pretty bad. It’s also locked, because I lock RPF religiously. kill them; kill them with fire is technically still a WIP, so it doesn’t count, although it’s some of the angstiest fic I’ve written.

7. do you write crossovers? Not so much these days, but I used to

8. have you ever received hate on a fic? Oh yes, before the US Pundit fandom hid all the RPF away in secret, thoroughly locked LJ communities, there were some pretty ugly instances of hate going around.

9. do you write smut? if so, what kind? Ahahaha, yes, I do. 23 of those 31 fics are rated E. And it was the same back on LJ.

10. have you ever had a fic stolen? Not as far as I know.

11. have you ever had a fic translated? I’ve received requests for a couple of fics to be translated into Russian. I gave my permission, but I have no idea if they followed through with it.

12. have you ever co-written a fic before? Yes. Way back when I was 18 I had a 42 year old BFF from California who shared my brand of absurd humour and we co-wrote a sprawling 20K+ Pundit RPF comedy zombie AU, where we took turns writing the chapters as we went along, playing off what the other person had written in the previous chapter. I was a great experience, like the fic equivalent of improv comedy groups. An entire story based on ‘yes, and...’ as a concept.

13. what’s your all-time favorite ship? I can’t possibly answer that question, I’m a bit of a whore in this respect. I mix and match. Although judging from my AO3 account it’s Chilly/Willy and Barisi, and it’s true that I love those ships.

14. what’s a wip that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will? kill them; kill them with fire probably. It’s a ASOUE Zombie AU with stand-alone chapters focusing on different characters in different locations, but in a vaguely chronological order. Can you tell that I adore zombie AUs? Anyway, I was very proud of this one, because this particular zombie apocalypse is totally “realistic” in-universe. It takes an existing killer-fungus danger and replaces ‘certain death’ being the result of infection with ‘zombies’ being the result. So yes, it’s The Last of Us-style “zombies”. I actually stole the terminology from there as well, because I couldn’t be bothered with creating too much lore. I never care about the actual zombie horror anyway, I care about the human reaction to a deadly crisis.

15. what are your writing strengths? A writer I admired very much in ye olden days once told me that I was good at blending genres and moods organically, in those day it was combinations of action, humour, and smut. She then asked me, me, for advice on a fic. I still think about that every single time I feel down.

16. what are your writing weaknesses? Definitely a tendency for overly detailed, flowery, self-indulgently elaborate prose. I spent years forcing myself to use a plain ‘said’ more often, because God knows I struggled with the concept from the beginning. And commas. So many commas. I often joke that Ernest Hemingway would fucking deck me if he was alive and reading my stuff. Oscar Wilde would you rather discuss writing with? Case closed.

17. what are your thoughts on writing dialogue in another language? I think it’s fine in controlled doses, especially if you consult native speakers to confirm that google translate isn’t about to make you look really silly to native speakers of the language in question.

18. what was the first fandom you ever wrote for? Lord of the Rings, I think? At least in English. I was 14 when the first film came out, so it was around then. It was really bad. English is my second language, and my grammar... left something to be desired. Okay, technically I wrote fic for The Hobbit first, because our teacher was pretty cool when it came to assigning various writing challenges, and in this case he made us all write fanfic that should be a twist on the pretty anticlimactic (according to him) ending of the book. I proceeded to literally kill off half the dwarves in a gruesome Smaug-fight. Very indiscriminately, I might add. Completely random. Just piling up dead, scorched dwarves for shits and giggles.

19. what’s your favorite fic you’ve ever written? Okay, bear with me here, but I’m just really proud of Young Police Cadet Bottoms for Busty Blonde. Probably the smuttiest smut I’ve ever written. I enjoyed every second of the writing process, I had a wonderful time, and it lives up to its title in terms of balls to the wall PWP insanity. A Guide to Recognizing Your Ghosts and Unfortunate Living Arrangements are also up there, because I’m still a Chilton fangirl at heart.

20. who do you tag? all of my old ASOUE peeps! @beatricebidelaire, @virginian-wolfsnake, @kitsnicket etc. etc. You know who you are.

6 notes - Posted November 22, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Nine months clean and sober. The party I’m dolled up for is for my dad’s though, he turns 60 today.

48 notes - Posted March 27, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#my 2022 tumblr year in review

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vodkassassin · 2 years

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Ao3 Author Tag Game

I was tagged by @alpharaposa

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

64 works 😊

2. What is your total AO3 word count?

598,592

3. How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

Uhhhhh….. there’s a lot. So, I’m just gonna list my top 5 written for fandoms: Scum Villain Self-Saving System, Naruto, MDZS, Harry Potter, and Lord of the Rings.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1 - Ear to the Wall (Naruto), 11793 kudos

2 - Ear to the Wall - Excerpts (Naruto), 2063 kudos

3 - huddle for warmth (SVSSS), 1468 kudos

4 - and I’m reminded of the simple life (where I work and just be used) (SVSSS), 1446 kudos

5 - Tumblin’ SVSSS, 1411 kudos

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes I do, as much as I can! It’s more often for fics with less comments, though, as opposed to fics like ETTW that have uh. Hundreds. Because sometimes I don’t really remember what part of the story they’re talking about 😅 but I try my best! And I’m always willing to chat on discord or tumblr or Twitter (same username)!

6. What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

Oh lord. Uh. I don’t like angsty endings? I like happy endings. I pack all my angst into the beginning or middle parts of the stories and then I resolve it bc that’s my favorite food.

7. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've ever written?

Ahaaaaa yes I do 😏 hm, my craziest crossover…? I’m not entirely sure, it’s my thoughts that any fandoms can be crossed over reasonably with a little brainstorming. Maybe I should say my most ambitious crossover? That would be… I actually don’t know. Maybe the MDZS/Among Us crossover. Or the Kamisama Kiss/Corpse Party crossover. Nah wait, it’s definitely the SVSSS/BOFURI crossover.

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Oh, plenty! A lot more often back when I was first starting out than now, and getting ‘flames’ was so much more common on FFN than it is for me on Ao3. It’s one of the reasons I enjoy posting to Ao3 more.

I started posting fanfic when I was 11 years old, so you can imagine all the grown ass adults or teenagers who probably didn’t consider they were shoveling their insults at a baby who hadn’t finished their grammar courses in elementary school yet 🤣 or maybe some of them did but didn’t care bc they were garbage human beings? Who knows.

What I gotta say is: just keep writing, homies <3 you WILL progress and figure out the style you’re most comfortable with as long as you persevere and ignore the commentors who think they’re in charge of your fic 🙄 they ain’t! It’s YOU, you’re the Boss. So fire those losers and keep writing 🙌🏻

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Ahahahahahahahah…. No. Maybe one day but it’s highly unlikely. I do read it but I’ve never written for it and uh. Not sure if I wanna start 🤣 I think I’d be too embarrassed.

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Hm…….. I don’t think so? I don’t really ever check so I can’t be sure tho.

11. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I’m writing one right now! A SVSSS fic with Chershares, og!SQH/MBJ/Airplane!SQH 😁

12. What's your favorite ship in your most written for fandom?

That would be SVSSS, haha! And I think everybody knows that my top ship for that is Shang Qinghua/Anyone 🤣🙌🏻

13. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Danny Phantom!! It was a teeny tiny oneshot that was super angsty, which I think should have told me what kind of author I’d be in the future ahahaha 🤣

14. What's your favorite fic you've written?

Hmmmmm…. My favorite? That is subject to change. I think 🧐 at this very moment I would say….. lord I don’t even know haha. Maybe simple life. I’m very fond of that one.

And now I tag 5 fellow authors: @chershare @hiddenbyfaeries @robininthelabyrinth @nillegible @myakkoh

#author tag meme #Ao3 tag game #vodka tags #meet the author

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pinkfadespirit · 3 years

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Writer Tag Game

Thank you for the tag @midnightprelude! I’m tagging back @barbex @aria-i-adagio @rusted-pipe-of-wisdom @ser-thirst-a-lot @factorykat @hoochieblues @dismalzelenka @potatowitch @protect-him @fandomn00blr @johaeryslavellan @wanderingnork @goth-surana and anyone who sees this and wants to try. Tag me so I can see! (And if anyone wants to be tagged or not tagged in the future let me know!)

How many works do you have on AO3?

18 - 14 fics and 4 artworks

What’s your total AO3 word count?

591812 (!!!)

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

A Dream of Light - 216 (my Vampire Knight longfic)

Night Shift - 177 (DA, Fenhawke, Handers)

the life that, here, awaits - 138 (DA, Fenders)

The Way It Is - 87 (DA, Handers)

and you are starry, starry, starry - 42 (DA, Handers oneshot)

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

Yes! I’m a bit slow sometimes, particularly when I let them build up a bit, but I always get around to it eventually. I like to show readers that their comments are appreciated but I also just really want to talk about my fics whenever I get the opportunity to do so - comment replies are perfect for that 😅

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

The only fic I can think of with an unhappy ending is a Vampire Knight oneshot I never posted to AO3. Out of my Dragon Age fics, the closest thing I have to an angsty ending is my Kanders fic everything good leads back to you. The ending of the fic itself is quite a hopeful, open one but if you put it in the context of what happens to Anders and Karl in canon... not so happy after all (though if you want to imagine they escape the Circle and live happily ever after together, you are entirely free to do so.)

I’m also considering having All Falls Away be the first story in a series. In which case, the ending I have planned for that is pretty angsty. It wouldn’t be the end of the whole story though.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

Most things I write end happily. I don’t really count my oneshots because they’re all small parts of a larger story. Night Shift has a happy ending but I don’t really think of it as happily ever after - I tied up a lot of the loose ends but not all of them. Isn’t It Obvious? probably has the happiest ending simply because it’s a modern AU with no magic so it doesn’t have any of the big canon events looming somewhere in the future.

Do you write crossovers? If so, What is the craziest one you’ve ever written?

No. Not really my thing.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Oh yeah. I got quite a few rude comments back on FFN when I posted there as a teenager. Most of them were just trolls and easy to ignore but there was one that got to me so much I abandoned all my fics and quit writing until I got into the VK fandom a couple of years later.

I’ve only received hate on AO3 once and it was... frustrating. To put it mildly. Whoever sent it got upset over something they’d assumed was going to happen, which didn’t end up happening at all. It was chapter 6 of a 40 chapter fic and they were like ‘yeah I can see how this is going to go’. Basically, they were accusing me of picking on Anders (among other things) and implied I was lying about him being my favourite character. wtf? Ugh... yeah I’m still irritated about that. lol.

Do you write smut? If so what kind?

I write it with lots of feelings. Probably more focus on emotions than anything else. I’m not sure if it’s actually good but thankfully everyone has been very nice about it so far.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

No, not that I know of.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

No. Though I wouldn’t be opposed to it.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I used to write fic with one of my friends from high school. It was a lot of fun but I haven’t done it since.

What’s your all-time favourite ship?

Handers is my favourite now and has been for two years. I wouldn’t say I have an all-time favourite since every time I’ve moved on to a new fandom I’ve lost interest in the one before. Or maybe it’s just that since I got into DA I lost interest in other fandoms? hmmm.

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

Right now I fully intend to come back to all the WIPs I have on AO3. I don’t know when exactly but I don’t want to abandon them.

What are your writing strengths?

Soft romance scenes? Sometimes I reread my own writing and I get all these feelings so I think that must count as a strength.

What are your writing weaknesses?

If I’m not really invested in a scene then I can be a bit lazy about it. I rarely do that ‘show don’t tell’ thing I just go ‘well telling is faster and I want to get to the good bit’. And I rarely do research. I always just want to write and not get bogged down with details. (I’m like this with art too. I know my drawings will be better if I use a reference but searching for good ones takes forever so half the time I don’t bother.)

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I don’t really have any? Other than Fenris’ swearing, it’s not something that’s come up for me.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

I’m sure used to make up Card Captor Sakura fic in my head when I was a kid but I’m not sure if I ever wrote any of it down. And I know I wrote a few things for Final Fantasy X that I never posted online or even finished (except for one really long one that I just let play out in my head over a few days when I was ill and never wrote down). The first fic I ever posted online was for Harry Potter when I was thirteen lol

What’s your favourite fic you’ve written?

I don’t know... there are too many things that I’m not happy with in Night Shift. Dream is old and I’m not invested in that fandom anymore but it was my first long fic that I ever finished and it taught me a that I was a better writer than I thought I was. None of the others involved quite the same level of emotional investment as the two really long ones. I’m tempted to say the fic I’m working on now is my favourite because I haven’t properly started editing it yet so I haven’t thought of any reasons not to like it. Or, if there are I can still fix them. Once I stop procrastinating, that is. Have I mentioned I don’t like editing much?

#writer meme

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sarcasticfina · 3 years

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Fic Writer Tag Game

How many works do you have on AO3? 263

What’s your total AO3 word count? 4,901,188

How many fandoms have you written for, and what are they? including the fandoms on FFnet, that haven't yet been moved over to ao3, that'd be a total of 37. separating the larger fandoms (marvel, dcu) into their individual parts: Thor; Arrow; Smallville; The Vampire Diaries; Glee; Captain America; Supernatural; Teen Wolf; Iron Man; Life with Derek; Firefly; Friday Night Lights; X-Men; Fantastic Four; Harry Potter; Sons of Anarchy; Girl Meets World; Batman; Daredevil; From Dusk Till Dawn: The Series; Transformers; Lost Girl; Game of Thrones; Banshee; High School Musical; The OC; One Tree Hill; CSI: New York; Degrassi; Gossip Girl; NCIS; The Unusuals; Criminal Minds; iCarly; Secret Life of the American Teenager; Twilight; and The Listener

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1. and I wonder (if everything could ever feel this real forever) - darcy/bucky - Steve tells him that Darcy's harmless. Bucky imagines, on paper, Darcy is harmless. HYDRA wouldn't give her a second glance. But he does. He can barely keep his eyes off her. He's not sure he wants to. | Kudos: 5576

2. I Climbed The Tree To See The World (When The Gusts Came Around To Blow Me Down, I Held On As Tightly As You Held On To Me) - darcy centric | darcy/steve - The path to self-discovery, including becoming Coulson's assistant-slash-liaison-slash-bff, Captain America's lady love, and rating fourth on the SHIELD BAMF scale, was like the yellow brick road; it was chaos and confusion around every bend. | Kudos: 3973

3. Take a little piece of my heart (and keep it for yourself) - oliver/felicity - A collection of Olicity prompts on Tumblr posted here for easier access/reading. | Kudos: 3498

4. You put your arms around me (and I'm home) - darcy/bucky - A collection of Darcy/Bucky oneshots, drabbles, and prompt fills. | Kudos: 3293

5. you (anchor me back down) - darcy/bucky - "I'll be right back." Famous last words. | Kudos: 2747

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? not all of them. i do try to keep up on them, especially on longer stories when there's been significant wait times in between chapters, or when a reader is asking a question or is unclear on something. and especially when someone writes a really indepth comment/review, i like to respond to those and talk about motivations and character growth.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending? I've written a number of fics that either had suicide or major character death, so i'm not sure if one outranks the other in terms of most angsty... hmm... i remember "be still and know that I'm with you (be still and know that I am here)" and "light a match, burn the world to ash (I will watch it die, and hold your hand as I fly)" both got some pretty intense reactions when they were posted. And "It's Your Song That Sets Me Free (I Sing It While I Feel I Can't Go On)" was basically just angst from beginning to end. buuuuut, i think i'll say "so you think you can tell (heaven from hell" was, only because there's a build up of everything going so right, only to pivot at the end, so it feels very bittersweet.

Do you write crossovers? If so what’s the craziest one you’ve written? i loooooove crossovers. i find writing in the marvel fandom makes things quite easy, but also smallville. as long as i can find a common thread, i enjoy finding a way to overlap two shows. i'll say the hardest one to write was "ruby red slippers (unavailable in her size)." I'm not sure why, but i found writing each personality together just felt strange. i liked the idea behind the story, but i definitely remember feeling like i was really forcing myself to keep going, like something just didn't fit right.

Have you ever received hate on a fic? oh, definitely. you cannot please everyone, it's impossible. for the most part, hate comes and i either argue back, take the criticism for what it's worth, or just ignore it when it's baseless. i think the hate that bothered me the most was a homophobic PM someone sent me re: "you know I will adore you ('til eternity)," on FFnet. i actually went and searched it up. they've since blocked me so i can't read our whole thread back and forth. but i did put part of it on tumblr so i could rant on it a bit, so you can see that here.

Do you write smut? If so what kind? ha. yes. depending on the story, it can be really detailed or really flowery. it depends on the ship, the plot, and how graphic i feel like being. i've definitely become more comfortable over the years with my writing. that said, i think everybody likes something different. i once had a reviewer tell me a sex scene was too much, just too intense. it was a stefan/caroline story and to be fair, that entire oneshot was just them fucking, lol, but it is what it is. to each their own.

Have you ever had a fic stolen? Multiple times.

Have you ever had a fic translated? Yes! for the record, i am always happy to have my stories translated and shared. i just like having a link sent to me and to be credited.

What’s your all time favorite ship? i have a list of OTPs, because interests change and as shows come and go, my love for a ship can be shelved for a while before it pops back up at random. currently, i can't get enough of buck/eddie from 9-1-1. and, historically, chloe/oliver (smallville) and felicity/oliver (arrow) have been two of my top OTPs. but i think i'd have to go with bonnie/damon. they had all the potential and the show dropped the ball by not exploring it. at the same time, that's kind of a blessing, because i don't trust those writers to properly explore what they had without eventually destroying it for the likes of de/ena. it means a treasure trove for writing where it could have gone and all the what if's.

What’s a WIP that you want to finish, but don’t think you ever will? the intention is always to finish. but given how i feel about allison mack and how that impacts my feelings re: chloe sullivan, pretty much anything with her as a main character is not something i see myself returning to.

What are your writing strengths? What are your writing weaknesses? i'm putting these together because my strength is my weakness. i love to write. when i get an idea, i go all in and i will skip eating and sleeping to just write write write. but i also eventually hit a wall and i get so many ideas that i hyperfocus on one until the steam is gone and then i hyperfocus on the next one to maintain that need to keep writing, accidentally leaving the last story in the dust for entirely too long. i also have clinical depression that comes and goes, which hasn't been super great mixed with covid and isolation, so more often recently, i find myself overly exhausted and despite wanting to write, can rarely get motivated to do so. so, pre-covid, wrote so much i left entirely too many stories dangling. during covid, i've just been reading and struggling to get myself focused enough to do what i love.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic? i appreciate the authenticity when possible, but i've recently been reading more about how native speakers of other languages feel when a) their language is butchered by google translate, or b) it's just not genuine in terms of how bilingual speakers act or speak.

What was the first fandom you’ve written for? it was smallville, but i remember adopting it out to someone else because i wasn't going to finish it. so if you look at my ffnet, the first fandom i wrote for appears to be x-men: the movie, but i remember writing a chloe/oliver story prior to that.

What’s your favorite fic that you’ve written? i have a lot. i mean, on ffnet, i have 576 stories, many of which were transferred over to ao3, with a lot of oneshots and drabbles getting joined together into collections. so there's a ton to pick from that span a 14-ish year timeline.

"you know I will adore you ('til eternity)" and "let me break (the walls that surround me)" hold a special place in my heart.

honestly, each story is important in its own way. there are bits and pieces of each that i love. every time i write something new it feels like my favorite. my best. and then a new idea comes along. there are scenes i've written that i loved more than the whole of what they became. lines that stand out that are almost too good to be a part of the larger picture.

one of my all time favorite passages i've written was bonnie's thoughts on damon and herself in 'if you love me (let me go)":

He is far from perfect. He is a novel of red, corrective ink. He is frayed pages and torn binding. His life, his choices, his mistakes leave lasting effects on everyone he meets.

She is a lifeboat with a hole in it. An anchor that drowns in the sea while everyone else remains steady above. She is both the calm and the storm, and while she screams that she will not be tamed, she cries. Bittersweet tears that go unnoticed and uncared about.

there are other stories, other pieces of dialogue, that i've been proud of. that make me laugh when i re-read them. that make me cry. and i love them. there are others that make me wilt and cringe and regret. it's a process. love and pride and growth, all bound together.

Tagging: @absentlyabbie, @anonymous033, and anyone else who'd like to fill this all out, haha

#fic writer tag game #long post

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willgrahambf · 3 years

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i was tagged by @aconissa for a fanfiction ask game. thanks ana :)

how many works do you have on AO3? 31, but i used to have another ao3 account as well as an account on a website that was for a specific fandom so i don’t really know how many total fics i’ve actually posted to the internet. probably about 100 lol

what’s your total AO3 word count? 569,807 (again, this doesn’t include everything i’ve written on other accounts)

how many fandoms have you written for and what are they? in total, i think about six, but only 4 are on my current ao3 account and they are law and order: svu, killing eve, gentleman jack, and hannibal (hannibal is the first m/m ship i’ve written about since i was a teenager lol)

what are your top 5 fics by kudos? plucking a flower from the grass, after all, i’ve seen what you can do with a death body (but what about a living one), rookie mistakes, touch my tears with your lips (touch my world with your fingertips

do you respond to comments, why or why not? yes. i think it’s rude not to? it’s also a matter of self promotion as well because i think that if you answer comments people are more likely to comment again. i like getting comments and being noticed and ultimately commenters like being responded to by the author and feeling appreciated for reaching out. it’s a win-win.

what’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending? i’ve written a lot of angsty shit in my life, but i usually give things happy endings or at least somewhat hopeful bc, lets be honest, this is fanfiction and that’s what most people want. it’s probably a fic called dishonored from the svu fandom lol

do you write crossovers? no fuck that lol i hate crossovers

have you ever received hate on a fic? yeah, i had a troll that would comment on every single svu fic i wrote for awhile and it was very frustrating because this was on fanfiction.net and there was basically nothing that i could do about it

do you write smut? yeah, and i have way too much experience doing it too haha

have you ever had a fic stolen? yes, someone reposted more than one of my svu fics on a different website and i had to make a claim with the website to get it taken down. very rage-inducing, do not recommend.

have you ever had a fic translated? yes, this was forever ago in a fandom that i will not name, but its out there somewhere on a spanish language fanfiction website

have you ever co-written a fic before? nope, i’m sorry i am a control freak and that would not end well

what’s your all time favourite ship? that’s a hard question, but right now it’s obviously hannibal and will. i’ve also been watching black sails with my sister and silverflint is currently destroying me as well. outside of current fixations, i really love gentleman jack and the ann(e)s

what’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will? a gentleman jack au fic. it’s like 30k words and i loved it but i lost steam on it and the new season is taking forever to come out so i have no idea if i’ll ever finish it bc its been two years now

what are your writing strengths? um, i think characterization and dialogue and maybe like making things visceral and easily imaginable? i don’t really know what to call that, but this is just a comment i’ve received a lot over the years

what are your writing weaknesses? verging into smut at every turn lol

what are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic? i don’t really like it because unless you’re bilingual in that language then you have to flip to the notes to get the translation so that takes you out of the flow of the fic. just write it in the language you’re writing and add “he said in spanish” or something like that

what was the first fandom you wrote for? no

what’s your favourite fic you’ve written? the hunger

i’ll tag a few people who i don’t think have been tagged yet, but you don’t have to if you don’t want to: @abigailsbluff @lovesongofsaintsebastian @pendraegon @unmovings @prinxcesskayy (if you’re mutuals with me and you write fic and i didn’t know it i’m sorry lol)

#tag game #that was a funny trip down memory lane thanks ana

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sterek-bingo · 4 years

Photo

Greetings everyone, it's finally time to announce this year's themes!! We're sorry for the delay, but here they are!

Childhood friends- A trope that could easily be one of the fluffiest or one of the angstiest- not to mention anything and everything in between- this AU asks you to imagine how Derek and Stiles may have formed their relationship if they had known eachother as kids, ofcourse it doesn't have to be strictly AU, it isn't impossible that they knew eachother as kids to some extent!

Nightclub- Ah nightclubs, from The Jungle to The Bronze to The Scratching Post to Le Bon Nuit, it seems like every teen show has a popular town nightclub, and though you don't have to use the ones that have appeared in Teen Wolf, as long as there's music, dancing, and teenagers, you're probably good to go!

Pirate- Argh matey! Are you ready for high stakes and high seas? For treasure hunting, sword fighting, and answering the calls of sirens and merfolk? Then climb on aboard, for it's a pirate's life for us!

Rivals- The best thing about rivalry is that it can happen with anything! Sports, academics, baking, rival Alphas, rival covens, rival love interests.... or love interests who are rivals, wich is exactly what we're going for here!

Neighbors- And then they were neighbors... one of the most popular tropes in history, it's time to put Stiles and Derek in a neighboring situation! Apartments, condos, houses- AUs, canon compliant, canon divergent- fluffy, angsty, rom-commy, it doesn't matter the details, this trope can work for any plot!

Medieval- The days of kings and queens, knights and dragons, action and adventure, it's time to go back in time to place our favorite duo in the middle ages! ...Or you could always just place them at Medevil Times too!

Fake relationship- One of the most popular tropes, fake relationships can come about via all sorts of plots, from A/B/O to fluff to office AUs to even canon, and the best part of fake relationships? Watching them become REAL relationships!

Mistaken identity- An especially good theme for humor, "mistaken identity" can span quite a few different plot types, plot twists, and

Pride- From LGBTQ+ pride to pride in eachother to werewolf pride to pride as a sin, this theme is quite versatile and can either be seen as something to be celebrated or condemned depending on how it's portrayed

AI- Artificial Intellegence has been a hot topic of conversation as well as fiction over the past few years, and now it's time to Sterek-fy it! There are so many possibilities- Scientist? Mechanic? Engineer? Are AIs evil? Are Stiles and Derek AIs? All that matters is that artificial intellegence is included!

Arranged Marriage- Be it for politics, for status, or just for the sake of trying to find that special someone when no one seems to be working out, arranged marriage is an age-old plot that's been around probably as long as fanfiction has, if not longer!

Matchmaking- Here's a theme that's quite versatile, as you can either have Stiles and Derek as the matchmakers or as the match being made! From fluff to A/B/O to romcoms or even angst, this is a theme that really branches out over genres!

Full shift werewolves- One of my favorite thing about Teen Wolf, full-shift werewolves provide interesting additions to the lore, excellent plot material, and perhaps best of all... a REALLY nice aesthetic!

Self-Defense- Be it taking a self-defense class, killing in self defense, or defending against a bully, there are plenty of ways to turn this theme into something fun and unique

De-aged- What happens in fanfic... clearly doesn't stay in fanfic considering this trope made it all the way to being part of canon, but that's more than fine, it just give us more material to work with if you ask me!

Penpal- Be it writing to eachother or writing to someone else, be it online or through mail, in a modern AU or one taking place in the past, penpals are a great form of communication and some truly magnificent romantic plots can stem from this theme!

Wedding- Is there anything more romantic than a wedding? That depends on who you ask, but one thing is certain, it's definitely a fun theme! It could be Stiles and Derek's wedding, or it could be just one that they're attending, all that matters for this theme is that a wedding is involved in some context

Seasons- Spring, summer, fall, and winter, the four seasons often make for great themes, and now you have the choice to use any one you want- or several! You could even go for something that involves all four of them, whatever you create, it's sure to be a thing of natural beauty!

Baking- No matter if you have a sweet tooth, or are a bigger fan of savory goods like garlic bread, everyone loves a good baked good, and now is your chance to explore what kind Stiles and Derek love most! This is an especially good opportunity for fluff and the more light-hearted creations, though it certainly doesn't have to be

Petnames- From classics like "honey" and "sweetie" to the stranger sort like "creature" and "Wolfy McFlufferson", petnames are affectionate, fun, and definitely good material to work with, especially with Stiles who has a petname for everyone, although maybe that just makes it even more fun for Derek to use them for once....

Madness- We’re all mad here... madness, insanity, a loss of the mind, they’re all the same thing, and have all been frequently featured in Teen Wolf, no matter if you take inspiration from one of the many instances of madness from canon or create something brand new, your work is sure to be maddeningly good

Insomnia- Insomnia is another frequent theme in canon, and it’s something that Stiles experiences often, you can play upon that in your work, or perhaps give Derek the sleepless nights, or even get creative and use the theme of insomnia for someone else and in some other way, we just hope creating for it won’t keep you up at night

Reconnection- Stiles and Derek have a series-long history of playing into the old romantic trope of spending a fair deal of time apart before reconnecting in a dramatic reunion, and now is your chance to add onto that history! Ofcourse it doesn’t have to be the lovebirds that reconnect, you can go wild with any ideas you want to use, just so long as Stiles and Derek remain the focus

Travel- Roadtrips, train rides, and international flights, what could be simultaneously more romantic and absolutely irritating than travel? There are dozens of possibilities just for the method, not to mention the reasoning, so the diversity of this one will really be a blast to play with!

Hollywood- Ah Hollywood, the city of shining stars and twinkling lights, and, atleast for the purpose of this theme, Stiles and Derek! Now is your chance to run wild with the glitz and glamor of the film capital of the world!

Mad science- From Frankenstein to Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde, from bringing people back to life to creating experimental drugs, there are alot of ways to use “mad science” as a theme, is it dark? Is it crazy? Is it evil? Or is it something... else? There’s no way to do this one wrong!

Fashion- Arguably one of the biggest categories of fandom, fashion can be whatever you want it to be! Show staples like Derek’s leather jacket and Stiles’ plaid, dressing to the nines in suits and tuxes, playing with gender non-conformity with heels and skirts, or just going wild with whatever else you feel like, even a fashion disaster can work for this theme!

Overworked- A feeling that’s overcoming most people these days, being overworked is something I’m sure neither of our favorite boys are strangers to, now it’s up to you, will you give them a break? Or choose to keep working them into angst? It’s up to you!

Ice- Ice ice baby! Be it ice skating, ice on the road, ice powers, or even just ice cubes, there are alot of things you can do with this cool theme and we look forward to all of them!

Turning- Stiles is a blank slate for supernaturalism, and that makes him a perfect person to use for this theme (though obviously using Derek is just as acceptable) but what does he turn into? A werewolf? A vampire? An abominable snowman? We can’t wait to find out!

Wild card- This is the obligatory bingo square in the very middle where you can do absolutely anything you want! That’s right. There’s no restriction, no guideline, no THEME! It’s your freebie to do anything you may have been wanting to do, but haven’t really had the time or inspiration to do until now- here’s your chance. Now go forth and create Sterek!

#sterek #sterek bingo #sterek bingo 2020 #sterekbingo #stiles x derek

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alchemist-shizun · 4 years

Text

Walking the tightrope

Read on Ao3!

Word Count: 6.018

Characters: Janus, Virgil, Roman, Emile, Andy. (Patton, Logan and Remus mentioned once.)

Pairing(s): Platonic Anxceit, past platonic Royality

Warning(s): Angst, shooting mention, abuse, toxic parent, yelling, death, suicide, self-harm implication, scars mention, hospital mention, overdose, major character death, funeral, panic attack mention, breathing difficulty, self-deprecation/self-loathing, crying, swearing

Summary: Janus moves into a new town due to a tragedy and makes friends with Virgil. As he learns to support his new friend, he realizes how much life sucks even in new beginnings. When another tragedy dawns on him, he decides he's going to try to prevent this from happening ever again.

A/N: Guess what? This started out as a vent fic and then turned out to be... whatever the hell that is. Please read the warnings carefully. As much as it sounds like the saddest and angstiest thing you'll ever read, I promise that it somewhat has a happy ending. I also don't know how I managed to write 6k words, don't ask. Hope you can still enjoy!

✾

So long to all of my friends

Every one of them met tragic ends

With every passing day

I'd be lying if I didn't say

That I miss them all tonight

And if they only knew what I would say

« I know how it feels. »

« To be the new one around? »

« To be the odd one out. »

« Mh. Doesn't seem like you like it much here. »

« Oh believe me, » the stranger turned to Janus, the zips of his leather jacket clattering against the wooden table they were sitting on. « I'm going to be the first one to blow this town. »

That got a chuckle out of Janus, which made the stranger extend his arm.

« My name is Virgil and I don't usually come up to people and be all friendly, but you know, outsiders might understand how I feel better than the locals. »

« The longing feeling to just head home already when everyone else is staring at you and pointing fingers? Yeah, I get it. » the boy nodded, smiling in exchange, then he took Virgil's hand. « I'm Janus. »

« Well Janus, » Virgil wanted to laugh at the odd coincidence of roman-rooted names. « Let's have some fun in hell while it lasts. »

« Oh I already went through and came back five times. It'll be a piece of cake. »

They let their water bottles meet like they were clinking two glasses of white wine together, ready to cheer for an important occasion.

Three months into their friendship and neither had surprisingly bailed out.

« Come on, » it was dark outside and they, of all places, were making use of the kids' park's yellow light lamps. « Confession time. » Virgil sat on one of the swings and motioned for Janus to join him.

« Is that some sort of town tradition? »

« Nah, I just never got to play thirty-six questions in my golden teenage years. »

Janus got onto the swing next to Virgil, moving slowly and humming lost in thought.

« What do you want to know? »

« Anything you want to tell that comes to your mind. That's how it works. »

« This thing has rules? » Janus raised an eyebrow and watched as the other giggled to himself.

« No, I just made them up. »

He rolled his eyes, still smiling in amusement and tried to travel around his mind for any notion: as much as they had stuck together for a while, they still didn't know each other to the core.

Virgil shifted in his seat, swinging slightly thanks to his feet moving against the ground.

They started off with simple facts, how one of them had stolen candy as a kid and got away with it, how they had never watched some of the most famous movies, how they had pretty unusual interests.

Then something clicked, like a door opening for a safer, bigger space they could enter.

« I came here because we were forced to run away. » Janus let out after a brief pause.

Virgil turned to him, now all serious and focused. Careful.

« We lived in a very small town and there was a pretty brutal shooting in my neighborhood. » he sighed heavily. « They didn't catch the shooters, there were possibilities of them coming again so we were immediately gotten to safety. At least … at least the ones who survived. »

The other boy bowed his head, unable to imagine how that must have felt, leaving your childhood home without a single notice of whether your other relatives or your friends were alive or not.

« To this day we haven't gotten news from the detectives. » Janus reminisced of when he used to spend entire days with Remus and Logan. They did say they were going to hang out that day but he was too busy with homework …

He didn't want to think about it anymore.

« Your turn. » he dryly said.

Virgil got the hint and looked up at the sky as if in search of an answer; he was more debating whether or not to open up entirely like he did. Was it too early? He surely didn't want to make him uncomfortable.

Yet there was like some sort of force pulling him, pushing him to say whatever came up to his mind instantly.

He decided to play it somewhat safe.

« I have some scars. »

« Oh yeah? Childhood ones? Or surgery- »

Virgil shrugged. « More like … accidents. » that was what they were. Terrible accidents he hated but couldn't help but make real.

Janus snorted, definitely not having understood the implication. « Do you need someone to prevent you from tripping over ladybugs? »

Virgil considered it.

« Actually, yes, yes I do. »

If I could be with you tonight

I would sing you to sleep

Never let them take the light behind your eyes

One day I'll lose this fight

As we fade in the dark

Just remember you will always burn as bright

It was another one of those nights and Janus was growing sick of it.

Couldn't there possibly be a way to sneak his friend out of such a horrible home situation? If only there were laws permitting something like adopting someone your age …

His phone buzzed on the nightstand and he took it immediately, words of emotional despair appeared on his chat with Virgil.

He was just so done with life and Janus could almost feel it through their chat client.

At first it didn't seem too unusual. Virgil would give him snippets of when he fought with his dad, nothing too serious.

But then he noticed the frequency with which they happened, and Virgil started trusting him enough to explain the entire conversations they had; or, better, what his dad yelled at him for either ten minutes to half an hour before he was done and let the poor boy seal himself in his bedroom.

The worst thing was while he would feel like the worst person existing in the entire universe for the entire night, his dad would already feel peaceful ten minutes later.

In the meantime, he also destroyed Virgil's psyche with every fight that happened.

Not that he cared or even realized. He would've probably laughed at that statement.

Janus was just furious.

It had been six months ever since he'd gotten to know Virgil and there was no way someone so wonderful was being treated like trash.

He picked up his phone and put it to his hear, waiting for the other to respond.

Of course, when Virgil greeted him, he could hear his broken voice like tiny pieces of glass that were already broken, being stepped on time and time again, becoming nothing but dust.

« What the hell happened? »

« The usual. » he heard him sniff. « I simply exist, but I do it wrong. »

« Virgil there's not right or wrong way to exist. »

« I know that. It's him that does not. Everytime he comes pissed off from work he just needs to take it out on any of us back home I just can't do it anymore. I was only typing on my computer, didn't even say a word and it led to him insulting me because he saw one book on the ground. »

« This is insane. He is insane and I'm going to get you out of there. »

Janus started pacing around his room.

« Please. In any way you can find, please do it. »

His heart sank at the urgency.

He still had no clue how to help, so he simply sat on his bed.

« How am I supposed to live like this for another probably five years with all the university stress I'm already going to have? »

« Does his yelling make you less motivated in studying? » maybe grounding him, finding exactly how he was affected, could help.

« I get unmotivated at everything. It's as if a depressive episode just hit you all at once while you were having a pretty okay day. I just … » there was a pause on the other side. « I really haven't told this to anyone else because I was always scared of it. »

Janus was immobile. « Go on. »

« Everytime he even just looks at me with a hint of disgust or any general negative connotation I already feel awful. And when he criticizes me to the point of insulting me it's even worse and it's like all of his negativity transformed into self-loathing in me. »

He bit his lip: he really wanted to punch a man.

« Basically, you believe everything he says. »

« In the long run it's impossible not to have all those degrading adjectives marked in your brain. But it doesn't end there. I feel so angry at myself, not because I wasn't smart enough to prevent the fight but because I can't help myself. No matter what I do, it's always going to end bad. »

« And it's not like you can talk back either. »

« Oh no, » he chuckled sadly. « I'd make everything worse. I just say nothing and wait for him to let it all out. And then … then I leave and that's where the scary part comes. »

« You mentioned it earlier … what scares you? » Janus was afraid of the answer.

« Uh, well. You know how I said that I become incredibly self-hating? It's like this ball of anger at the pit of my stomach and it's as if something inside me were telling me to hurt myself to make it stop. »

« Hurt yourself? » he really didn't like where that was going.

« I hate it as much as you do, but it's a thing I don't control. It's this part of me that keeps screaming in my head or I won't be satisfied. So I do it, I … those scars I told you about, I did them. It's the only way I have so far that quiets down my anger instantly. And what scares me is … sometimes I don't even regret it when I truly realize it. »

Janus considered what to say, he didn't want to overreact or scare him even more than how much he already was.

« Okay, I think maybe you don't regret it because you feel better afterwards, right? »

« Possibly. »

« As for it being the only solution you have. You have already considered having a distraction but it didn't work, probably. Is that because you feel like you can't do it by yourself? »

There was some silence on the other side, so he gave Virgil all the time he needed to come to terms with his feelings.

« Alone I'm sure I can't do anything. I mean, look at what kind of conditions I'm in right now. »

Janus sighed. « Then let's do this. Let's talk like this everytime you feel like that. »

« Janus- »

« Give me a code word you can text me and I'll ring you immediately. »

« J, I already did it. Tonight, I did it, I did it before I was able to write to anyone. » his voice felt choked, like he was about to cry again.

« Hey, it's okay. I'm not mad at you. The important thing is you got yourself treated. Breathe. »

After some more words of reassurance, Janus told him to lie down while keeping his phone close.

He sat with his back against the wall instead, an idea in mind.

« You like My chemical romance, don't you? »

« This is not a good time to shame my musical preferences. » he let out a chuckle. « But yes, I do. »

« Okay then, close your eyes. »

« What, is Gerard Way going to appear in my room once I open them again? »

Janus mentally slapped his arm. « Will you just work with me? »

« Alright, eyes closed. »

The boy took a deep breath, before starting to hum a song Virgil immediately recognized.

It surprisingly worked, as he focused only on Janus's voice and the way his singing differed from the original, how it was softer due to the hour, how everything felt better when you didn't think of the world surrounding you.

« Just remember you will always burn as bright. »

Soon enough, Virgil wasn't responding anymore and Janus ended the call, settling into bed as well with one horrible thought.

How long until Virgil couldn't endure that anymore?

Be strong and hold my hand

Time, it comes for us, you'll understand

We'll say goodbye today

And I'm sorry how it ends this way

If you promise not to cry

Then I'll tell you just what I would say

He should've known.

Ever since he heard a knock on the door so late at night he should have known something was wrong.

Virgil appeared on the other side of the door, looking distraught as though there had been a ghost instead of his friend right in front of him.

« I did something bad. » it was like he didn't even believe his own words.

Janus's eyes widened. « What happened? »

And then, for some reason, he seemed to withdraw.

« It's nothing- I just … Can you come out? »

Janus stepped outside, a little weirded out by the sudden request as it was almost midnight.

Talking to his friend didn't seem to be an option; he just kept quiet, he was distressed and wiping away at his silent tears, trying to not make Janus notice as he steadied himself by holding his hand.

If only he'd understood sooner.

Virgil led him to a spot, a little hill nearby the city you could reach by walking about fifteen minutes from their little neighborhood. There was none at that time, just a lonely bench.

Yet the upset boy preferred to sit on the grass.

« Will you tell me what's bothering you? »

« I just don't want to be alone right now. » Virgil responded through the tears.

Janus felt anxiety rising in his chest as he murmured an “okay” and strengthened the grip around the other's hands.

Only a beat of silence before the world came crashing down and the sky fell on their heads.

Virgil launched himself at Janus and hugged him with all the might that was left in his body. He felt arms around him hugging him back, hearing words of concern he didn't want to answer because once he voiced reality it would have become too true and he was too scared to accept it.

Tic, tac, time was running out.

« I took some pills. » he blurted out.

He felt hands on his shoulders pulling him back.

« What? What pills? How many? »

Janus's stare was unbearable, he couldn't look up anymore, it felt too heavy. Too heavy, too much.

« I don't know, » his shaking hands wiped away a tear. « All of them! » he yelled, finally. He gasped for air right after, he thought this was because of his crying, but he sure as hell knew his body was starting to shut down.

« All of them?! » he could feel the tears in Janus's voice as his grip on his shoulders tightened.

Virgil started sobbing again and brought his hands to his face. « Please don't leave. » he murmured.

« I won't. I- » Janus was shaking as well, he had just sent a text for someone to call an ambulance. What else could he do? « How long has it been since you took them? »

Virgil shook his head violently. « Too long- too late. »

« It's never too late. The doctors will arrive soon- »

« Late. It's- They won't. Not in. Time. » he wasn't able to talk properly anymore, he wasn't sure whether it was a panic attack or his respiratory system failing him. « Almost three hours ago. »

« Three … » Janus was shocked.

He was suddenly stiff. Three hours was enough for a person to die of overdose.

« I was scared to go alone … » Virgil admitted through the tears again, not looking up, fear stuck in his throat. « I needed to see you one last time. »

Janus was took over by an uncontrollable need; he took the other's face in his hands and forced him to look at him. « You should've called me. » he retorted, trying to repress the sobs.

« I couldn't. I'm sorry. » Virgil put his hands on the other's arms. He apologized again and over again until Janus told him he didn't have to and he didn't need to be forgiven for anything.

« You're angry. »

« I'm heartbroken, Virgil. You didn't get what you deserved because of the horrible people surrounding you. That's not fair! » his voice rose at the last sentence. Yes, he was actually angry, but not at him. He was many things and felt many things at once and he didn't know how to handle those feelings again.

« I don't want you to go. » he had hugged him instantly, because seeing his face meant it was happening, while looking at the dark meant absolutely nothing.

« It's okay. »

« No, it's not. »

There were sirens in the distance.

None of them said a thing in their embrace for a whole minute, their silence broken only by the occasional sobs.

« Janus- »

He could feel Virgil's heart rate slowing down.

« No. No, no- »

The ambulance was coming, they could make it.

« I love you. »

« I love you too, just don't give up. »

« I think I will … lie down. »

Virgil's head dropped on Janus's shoulder: the other moved so he could rest part of his body on his lap.

« Hey J. When you see my dad again … » Janus lifted an eyebrow, he had been caressing his friend's hair in a state of panic for the past minutes. « Tell him he can go fuck himself. »

Janus let out some laughter that almost came off as hysterical with the state he was in.

« I will. I will, Virgil. I'll punch him for you. » he promised with a broken voice.

Virgil sadly smiled at him before closing his eyes one last time.

« Remember … » he whispered, voice low and cracked. « Take care of yourself. »

One last wish.

And he was gone.

Janus immediately doubled over himself, longing for screaming right then and there, instead he kept quiet, his face buried in a dead body.

Right after, he felt two arms lifting him up, he wouldn't have been able to register whatever had happened until the day after.

Those were the doctors.

They could make it, he had thought, stupidly.

Janus could only perfectly recall one moment of that night, when, at three a.m., as soon as he had gotten into a decent mental state to go back home, he reached what once was Virgil's household, knocking on the door.

And, when Virgil's father answered it, he punched him in the face.

If I could be with you tonight

I would sing you to sleep

Never let them take the light behind your eyes

I'll fail and lose this fight

Never fade in the dark

Just remember you will always burn as bright

Three days.

Three days is all it takes to organize a funeral.

Three days weren't enough for Janus to accept that any of that had been happening.

On the morning right after his death, his mother had commented on how there were news of a student's death and how terrible they were. Then she had looked at her son's shattered expression, his red eyes and marked eye bags.

She had frowned deeply and caught him in a long-lasting hug, understanding.

He didn't remember what happened on the second day apart from him staying in bed for far longer than necessary.

And then there he was.

All dressed up for the occasion on a Saturday morning, ten o'clock in the front rows of a building for a religion Virgil didn't even believe in.

Thankfully his family was on the opposite side of Janus's seating place.

Funerals were those types of events you couldn't miss, but that you couldn't also wait to leave; you promised yourself you wouldn't cry and yet tears would pool in your eyes at any heartfelt confession made, even the most fake ones.

Anything remotely sad is able to break you down where you're on the verge of weeping.

Still, choking back tears was the usual answer.

Janus looked up when Virgil's sister stood and walked in front of the altar, she was holding a letter and a microphone with both of her shaking hands.

She began talking about her brother and their childhood experiences, all the siblings stuff one would expect. Then she mentioned the letter in her hand.

It was a note Virgil had left before meeting with Janus. Something he knew nothing about.

She wanted to read it aloud.

He zoned out for most of it, not registering her voice like he actually didn't want to know. He caught glimpses of memories of his past and present, of the real people who cared, not one mention of his dad was made.

Then he heard his name and suddenly he couldn't focus anywhere else.

« I've only known him for a little less than a year and yet he's been better than anyone I had ever met in my eighteen years of existence. »

Janus put his hands on his face. How dare he leave him like that?

« It's going to hurt. Don't blame yourself. You couldn't prevent this. It was a choice I made alone. I know it sucks and it's selfish, but I wanted a way out. I'm glad I'm getting to spend my last instants with you and that I got to meet you in time. I'll greet you on the other side when time will come. »

She looked up at him and was met with a longing look that hoped she was over and done with that. She gave him a small nod and smile, then went back to read the conclusion.

Janus wanted to laugh, laugh and cry and curse Virgil.

The rest of the ceremony went by and it was now his turn to bid his last farewell.

He knew words were useless when it came to those situations, so instead he gently leaned in and started off humming a familiar melody.

« If I could be with you tonight, I would sing you to sleep. »

He wanted to reach out and shake him, tell him he knew he was pretending to be asleep and it was all a big prank so he could leave his family and run away.

Janus would've gone with him.

The light behind your eyes

Virgil looked like he'd taken the form of a storm cloud.

His skin gray, almost non human. Fully clothed with a suit he would've hated, Janus could hear his usual groan in his memories, which made him sadly laugh.

He looked cold and dead and too real and he hated it.

The light behind your

Janus closed his eyes only for a second.

A second in which that whole night came back to him; he felt Virgil's arms surrounding his chest, tears soaking his shirt, panic rising in his lungs.

He wished he could hold him again, take him away and let him into a safer zone.

Instead Janus's mind took him to the instant he watched as Virgil's eyes darkened, as if you could turn off a star, as if you could turn off the sun with a click.

Sometimes we must grow stronger and

You can't be stronger in the dark

When I'm here, no longer

You must be stronger and

The Monday after, Janus felt himself pushed by an incredibly strong and ardent force.

He had gone to school no problem under the aghast stare of his parents, impatiently waiting for the bell to ring for break time. Perfect, as he dared to admit they were, ideas had started to squirm in his mind ever since the funeral.

As he had gotten out of the church, he remembered meeting Virgil's sister, she had given him a hug, showing him how there was a spot in Virgil's letter she hadn't read in which he asked her to do so.

Right after that, his mother had approached him, knowing how close they were, she had uncomfortably mentioned the school therapist Virgil had wanted to meet, doctor Picani.

Emile Picani walked right past him as Janus had started going on the search for his next class.

« Excuse me, »

The doctor turned around in no time, a calm smile placed on his lips. « May I help you? » he spoke softly.

There was no way he didn't know who he was, given that the news of Virgil's suicide had ran around pretty quickly.

« Yes, I was actually looking for you. I'm Janus Dean, from the senior year, I was hoping I could ask you a favor. » there was a sort of electric buzz in his chest as he watched Emile furrow his eyebrows in interest.

« A favor? Therapy sessions aren't a favor I do for students, sweetie, it's my job. » he explained kindly.

Yeah, he didn't get it.

« That's not what I was looking for. I need another kind of help. » he tried, this time Emile simply nodded, letting him finish so he could understand.

« I know this is not the biggest city but as we've seen it doesn't mean there aren't people who need help, even with the smallest things, especially when they're young and experiencing hard struggles for the first time, »

« What I want to try to do is organize a support group made by youth for youth here in this school. I know Virgil was too afraid to actually come to you and I know there are more kids who would rather express their issues to people their age cause that's what happens everyday with online friends. »

« People understanding each other because they're going through the exact same thing at the same time, thus they can empathize so much better and feel at ease. I'm not trying to downgrade your job, on the contrary I wanted both your help to set this up and … well, I was hoping to be able to host it by myself so I'd need a hand on how I should … behave? » he finally looked up at the doctor, breathless.

Picani was smiling the widest he'd ever seen anyone do.

« Janus you are the most incredible person I have ever met. I would love to help! But at one condition: I'm going to stay with you in the first support meetings, then, when we agree you can handle it on your own, I'll leave you be. »

Janus's face lit up with hope and excitement, he sputtered out multiple thank yous and, afterwards, they set a day to work on their project and contact the school's principal to get the permission they needed.

He started walking towards a class he'd have had in ten minutes when he heard a younger voice call him. Janus turned around and found a boy he'd only noticed once or twice in the halls, he only remembered him heading for theatre club at times while he was leaving for home.

« Sorry, I couldn't help but overhear your conversation with doctor Picani. My name is Roman and I just wanted to say that … well, in short I have gone through a similar thing as you are right now, some years ago. » he looked down, reminiscing of his own experience.

Had Janus lived in that city long enough, he would've known of a middle school student's suicide case, Patton Jones.

« I always had this longing feeling to do something about it but I had felt hopeless until now. What I'm trying to say is, if you need help with your idea, I'd be more than happy to assist. »

Janus hoped that Virgil had been watching over him on that day, because that was the first time he felt like the wind was blowing his way.

« Thank you, Roman. You can already come to Picani's studio tomorrow after class if you'd like. » the other boy gave him a nod. « Until then. » they exchanges smiles and parted ways.

His project was going to see the light of day and there was nothing else he would've asked for in the world right then.

If I could be with you tonight

I would sing you to sleep

Never let them take the light behind your eyes

I failed and lost this fight

Never fade in the dark

Just remember you will always burn as bright

It took maybe a month for the support group to finally be successful: at first it was only Janus and Roman, waiting for people to show up and thus chatting along with the school's therapist.

Things started off as awkward until they worked together so well that more and more people were encouraged to show up.

Christmas holidays were drawing near and Janus was nothing but amazed at how far they had come.

He had just said goodbye to his co-host, Roman, and given Emile that session's achievements when he caught someone standing in front of the room's door as soon as he opened it.

« Oh? »

That couldn't be real.

There was a definitely younger boy standing before him, hands in pockets and the same grumpy expression he used to see on Virgil's face. He … he did somehow resemble some of Virgil's traits.

Janus shook that thought off of his head, reminding himself it was probably only because of their similar clothing choice.

When he noticed him, the stranger's eyes widened.

« Can I help you? »

« No, I was just- Well … »

« Did you want to listen? »

The boy probably took that as an attack as he retreated and made himself smaller in his black hoodie.

« It's okay if so, people can come and listen and not say a word if they aren't comfortable with talking. We want it to be a safe space for everyone, without being judged. »

He seemed to consider, standing still. « Okay. I'll see. »

« Well, » the older boy extended his arm. « My name is Janus, pleased to meet you either way. »

He gave him a weak smile. « I'm Andy. »

« Well then Andy, I'll see you around or at next week's meeting? »

Andy nodded and looked down, still hunched over himself; they waved at each other and went home.

It was nothing more than two days later that Janus found Andy sitting at the same wooden table he and Virgil had met.

All those coincidences were making him both dizzy and filled with energy: he reached his new acquaintance and sat with him.

« I know how it feels. » he found himself saying.

Immediately a pair of dark eyes were set on him, a questioning look in them.

« Being the odd one out isn't fun, is it? »

« I guess. I just want to finish high school and leave this town. Living with your parents this much can be unbearable. »

There was some silence, before Janus resumed talking.

« I can perfectly understand. You know, I actually had a similar conversation at this very table one year ago. »

Andy seemed to catch on what he meant right away, he looked up at Janus for the first time, finding a confident young man in front of him.

Janus let his head rest on his palm.

« When he used to vent to me, I'd be able to soothe him with a song sometimes. I'm not saying this exact song would help you in particular, but the concept of it can. Find one peculiar song that grounds you, make it yours for when you need it. »

Andy kept watching him as he explained. He looked at him as though a guardian angel had just dawned on him. How did he know of his profound passion for music?

« And you'll see that soon, unbearable will become conquerable. » he looked at Andy with seriousness in his eyes, but spoke with a kind voice. « Remember to always take care of yourself. »

He sat up. « I will leave you alone now. » he chuckled. « B- »

« No! »

Both of them stared at each other in surprise.

« I mean, » Andy cleared his throat. « You can stay if you want. »

Janus smiled at him and nodded: sitting back down, he noticed Andy's much wider smile.

« So, what music do you listen to? »

The light behind your eyes

He couldn't believe he had come that far.

Janus walked down a street in town, a few years older, his face's structure bolder, his mood as high as ever when he was about to approach the building where his organization resided.

Which was kind of surprising as it was the anniversary of Virgil's death.

Janus was satisfied, to say the least.

He recalled a conversation he had had years prior with Emile Picani about what profession he was thinking of going for and, without missing a beat, he had answered he wished to follow the path of clinical psychology as well.

He had found his call, becoming a therapist and hoping to help as many people as he could: he now was a full time therapist, with his own studio, also visiting schools and participating in the nightly Community Support Group he had founded along Roman.

Sometimes he crossed paths with Emile and, now kind of colleagues, they shared each other's words of wisdom and finally talked more as friends than as mentor and student.

The support group had grown into a pretty big organization and he had succeeded into raising awareness at least in the town he lived in; of course, the challenge was to extend it further, but ending up on local newspapers and in broadcasting services was already a good start, along with multiple online platforms he was trying to maintain with the help of both Roman, Emile and every kid who offered their help.

Their main goal as of then was to expand the meetings to different issues so they could try and work on more specific problems instead of having a messy general one.

Janus stopped to look at the poster on the building's wall.

Some graphic design students had designed the support group flyer: it showcased mainly a picture of Virgil, since they had founded that group in his honor.

It was his favorite picture of Virgil, with his soft smile and that sparkle in his eyes he could still notice even after seeing it leaving his irises firsthand.

It didn't matter what he saw, though, cause his memory lived in him, he lived through him and he knew he would have been proud of him.

Janus looked away with an enormous sense of nostalgia and walked up the stairs.

« Just remember you will always burn as bright. »

Janus entered the building, taking with himself the light behind Virgil's eyes.

#purp's writings #janus sanders #virgil sanders #emile picani #roman sanders #ts andy #read the warnings #angst #fanfiction #sanders sides #ts fanfic

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pinepickled · 3 years

Note

Hello Pine! I hope things are going well. If you're still accepting asks for the Fanfic Ask game, I have a few. C,D,K,S,T and X? You don't have to answer them all if you don't want to.

Thank you for the ask Shy! And I never feel bad about answering these, so don't worry! They're super fun~

C: what character do you identify with most?

Hmm. I identify in part with many characters, but one sole character who I identify with the most just doesn't exist, I'm afraid. I identify with Mammon for his simultaneous stress reliever role in his family and how ostracized he is. I identify with Rei, from 3 Gatsu No Lion (March Comes In Like A Lion) for his quiet participation in his own life, trudging in an endless march with no reprieve in sight and pain wherever he turns. I identify with Natsume from Natsume Yuujinchoh for his need to hide the ugly, misunderstood parts of his life, even from those who live that very same life and seek to help him, or seek to drag him along the path they walked.

D: is there a song or Playlist you associate with a fic?

I dont listen to worded music when I write 🤣 I usually watch TV or have a lofi beat in the background. I'd say Monochrome Kiss is the closest I've come to listening to a song while writing, and it's a banger.

The song:

The fic it helped me write:

K: what's the angstiest plot you've ever come up with?

Aha, so many. One I currently have the first two chapters written for and I'm just procrastinating on publishing is a dark one for sure. It's a/b/o bc that's just how I roll, and the protagonist has to reckon with the fact that he is constantly at the mercy of Alphas more powerful than him, not because of his own gender as an Omega, but because of the shackles put on him as a consequence of his desire to help people. He needs to abandon his ideals of self sufficiency that arose from the abuse he endured trying to save his kingdom, and rely on the people that society has demanded he rely on from the beginning. It's like?? A double full-circle, I guess. He starts out wanting to help people and being able to ask for help to do so, while also being pressured to give up his ideals and become the good mate he's supposedly supposed to be. In the middle of this circle, he gets brutally beaten into giving up his ideals and is forced to live with the person who ripped this part of his soul out, but as time goes on he begins to sympathize with that man. The man eventually let's him go, but not before he has thoroughly given up his dreams of helping people, deeming them stupid and childish, and has lost all capability to ask for help when he is in pain or danger. Hundreds of years pass, the second love interest (first one being the man that slaughtered his dreams) comes into play, and he regresses/moves forward to relying on the people who hurt him for the power they lend to him out of good will to help people once more. He cannot help people without relying on these people, he cannot rely on these people without crushing his own mental structure again to fit into this mold. He snaps because of this, losing all ability to be upset at his situation, and happily indulges in the privileges of the people he is submissive to. It's a happy ending by all other means, but the journey to get there was long and brutal. Did he win? Depends on how you look at it.

(It should be up on ao3 after Kakashi Bingo and Whoregumi)

Then there's my personal story, a novel I'm writing in hopes of getting it done for NaNoWriMo. My MC, Clyde, has severe anxiety and paranoia. He cannot function without using his husband, Kai, as a crutch- but Kai dies in a freak accident. Clyde, unable to function in the city he currently lives in without Kai, goes back to his home country. The home country isn't very religious in general, as their religion does not really call for much worship and such outside of simply knowing the legends, but Clyde comes across one of their religious symbols: a suit of armor known to drive it's wearer insane yet gifting great power in return. The more unstable your mental state when first putting it on, the more power you gain in return. It immediately latches onto Clyde, and the other suits of armor deem him too dangerous to live. It's really just a chase story. Clyde is being chased by his husband's corrupted spirit, the other suits of armor, and the looming mind break. He wants to live... but he doesn't. Not without his husband, not like this, but he has no other choice because whether these spirits chasing him are the product of the death of his husband or a prank on Kai's part, Clyde can't tell. All he knows is Kai didn't die, and Clyde can't die until he finds him and gives him a solid punch to the face for doing this. It's dark on the sole premise that Clyde's mental space goes down, down, down, and it doesn't really get better till the finale. If you can call it better.

S: any fandom tropes you can't resist?

~SO breaks your heart so you fuck their dad~

T: any fandom tropes you can't stand?

Taking characters wronged by the narrative and excusing their behavior by imagining a world where they didn't rebel. Take Sasuke for example: his entire clan was ostracized, the jobs they could get regulated to police work only so the village would hate them, their children stolen and brainwashed into the military, their precious eyes ripped out to further the village heads power, and then the entire clan was genocided by one brainwashed teenager from their own clan, whom they refused to fight against due to his age and the fact he was from the clan. These are all reasons for the sole survivor, Sasuke, to be upset, yes?

Yet time and time again I see AUs where people "fix it" by "making Sasuke a good guy" and having him live peacefully in the village that killed his people. Like. Fuck off. Sasuke, despite what shitlords like to say, is not the antagonist of Naruto. He is a companion to Naruto, the one that says "you have been wronged. Be angry. Don't hate me, join me."

But kishi doesn't know how to write for shit so that plot was lost very early on.

X: a character you enjoy making suffer:

Uh, let's see

Mammon, Lucifer, Xie Lian, Kaeya, Toji, Kakashi, and Natsume.

Thank you again for the asks Shy!

#pine's asks

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mazarinrouge · 7 years

Text

Let’s Read The Promise: Part 1

Everyone hears that the Avatar: The Last Airbender comics are bad. And they super fucking are. I tried to give it a chance, and I found that The Promise is probably the worst of them that I’ve skimmed. The Search is eh. But OHHH MANNN The Promise. It’s perhaps one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever read, and is in general a complete trainwreck. I’m not posting each page as an image because that’s tedious and you can go look them up on your own, but there will be some snippets here and there. Without further ado, a play by play of ATLA: The Promise.

In brief, this comic is about Aang and Zuko working together to remove the Fire Nation’s colonies and their culture from the Earth Kingdom shore. Surprisingly, it handles this sort of situation in a really dumb way. /s You would think Aang and Zuko together would be able to come to some reasonable conclusions, but you know. I’ll get to that later. It opens with the same intro from the shows narrated by Katara, except this time it’s different. Because it’s after the war and all.

But I believed Aang could save the world. And you know what? I was right. With the help of his friends, Aang defeated Fire Lord Ozai and ended the hundred year war. Zuko, Ozai’s son and our ally, became the new Fire Lord. Together, with Earth King Kuei, Aang and Zuko promised to restore the four nations to harmony.

Except didn’t he run away to travel the world with his bear? If he did go back to Ba Sing Se after the war, we’d have to assume he didn’t die out in the wilderness or get captured at any point in time. We’d also have to assume that the people saw him and just LET him back into power, despite being the puppet for the Dai Li. And do the Dai Li still exist? They do in Korra, but I can’t see them here. Inconsistencies, oh well, who cares?

There are about eight fire nation colonies on the shore. Zuko decides to help Kuei “remove those colonies by doing whatever it takes”. This is very vague and already sounds like a bad idea. Cough cough. Sokka names the movement to remove them the Harmony Restoration Movement while Toph suddenly learns Invisibility Bending.

Then they go to Iroh’s shop cause why not. And we suddenly travel ~back in time~ to the Season 3 finale and see Katara and Aang smooching. Which apparently Sokka steps in on. It feels sort of like a sitcom. And Sokka’s like blehhh kissing! Katara and Sokka fight about it and you can really feel the tension in their dialogue. Gotta give mad credit to the writers here. /s/s/s/s

Then they’re on their way to a festival right after the war ended, and it’s going to be great it’s got fireworks and everything and

Oh my god. This is the angstiest thing I have ever seen. First off, why would Zuko be asking Aang this? Why not ask Katara? She clearly hated you (lol). Aang’s whole thing was how much he didn’t want to kill Ozai. Even IF Zuko started “becoming” his father, how would he expect Aang to be the one to murder him?

I also understand this is a natural emotion for people. Like, if you had an abusive father you probably wouldn’t want to turn out like him. But I imagine it’s somewhat different if your father and all his fathers before him committed mass genocide. If you’re raised to think that’s pretty wrong, hell, he even thought it intrinsically as a lil boy, then you probably won’t kill a lot of people. I don’t know just food for thought .And as an added fact, all the Fire Lords had their dads alive when they were conditioned to kill everyone. So I really don’t think Zuko would make any decisions as bad as his father’s. Maybe bad decisions, he’s hotheaded, but he’s not a murder. He wouldn’t even touch Zhao because it reminded him TOO MUCH of what Zuko’s dad did to him. It just seems out of character. But not as out of character as Aang KILLING Zuko.

Katara seems to be cool with it, though.

It timeskips to a year later and we see that Zuko is worried about rebel Fire Nation peoples to try to assassinate him. This I can agree with. There would have to be some people who oppose Ozai’s imprisonment. And it’s very sudden for a 16-17-ish year old boy to become your new ruler. He wakes up one night thinking someone will assassinate him, and guess what he was right. And would you guess who it is???

A teenage girl! Got to keep all the cast the same age. Wouldn’t want a hired hitman or anything. This teenage girl is so rebellious. She came all the way from the west coast of the Earth Kingdom to kill Zuko. She’s from the oldest Fire Nation colony and she’s here to take revenge, because apparently....the Restoration Movement is going to destroy all the colonies?

There was never any indication as to what this “movement” would consist of until now besides “remove them”. I didn’t imagine removing them would mean removing the culture or the people? You see, the rational thing to do would be to remove the government so the Earth Kingdom could control the land. There could be an intermingling of cultures and it may be interesting, but definitely not bothersome. That’s why some of France looks like Germany. They moved in and then the land went back to France and now they just all hang out there. There’s no concrete explanation to the reader of what this movement does. So really I still can’t say it would really destroy all the buildings and evac. all the people but Hell. It might.

Isn’t vague writing cool?

So Zuko sends this girl back to her home colony in cuffs. Her dad finds her and it turns out her dad is the mayor. Now I can understand their trouble. He may worry he might not have any position of power in the colony anymore, but hey, that might not happen. It’d be ridiculous to install an Earth Kingdom specific mayor, maybe even a little racist? It could happen though, so you understand your distress--

except NO! It’s not about that at all. Apparently the Restoration Movement is now Confirmed to Remove All Fire Nation People. Great. This went downhill fast.

Then this guy says hey your father wouldn’t be proud of your actions and Zuko attacks him.

Sheesh.

Then it cuts to Aang forcibly removing everyone from their homes and putting them into a new and confusing country. Cool. But suddenly when they get there a soldier tells them that they all need to leave! Because Zuko has stopped supporting the Restoration Movement! So that means that all Fire Nation Colonials are barred from entering the country??????

??????????????????????????????????????????

I don’t think i have to even explain why this is one of the worst ideas ever. Why forcibly remove or never allow in? Why not the middleground? The gray area? That whole part of the damn original show that was toted around so gloriously. How extremes are bad and not everything should be taken far this way or the other. But whatever. Fuck the show. Let’s do this instead.

It cuts to Toph’s metalbending academy and we learn that Zuko has holed himself up in Yu Dao. No one is allowed in or out. Toph says he’s becoming like Ozai. Aang is meditating and talking to Roku, who thinks Aang will be a good guy if he kills Zuko. This could just be a dumb rehash of the show where none of the other Avatars give Aang the answers he wants. Maybe the Lion Turtle will come back too and give Aang some Complacency Bending to fix Zuko.

I like this though. Aang is set on his own motivations and protecting Zuko as his friend. He’s not even looking Roku in the eye. Their worldviews are so different. Neat.

They arrive at Yu Dao to confront Zuko. The walls are barred and Aang and Katara decide to go in themselves, scaling up the wall to get past the gaurds. This comic site has custom annotations like old Youtube videos by the way, and I just thought I’d show you this.

Typically the rule with pet names is if your partner says one you don’t immediately say it back. But OK. I guess ‘babe’ was too adult for the demographic. I just can’t see these two really using pet names at all. Like Aang would respect his girlfriend so much he’d probably be happy enough just getting to say her real name so often.

We also learn here when he gets inside the walls that “Flameo, Hotman” is actually spelled “Flamio Hotmen”. I cannot accept this.

Aang enters and bows to the General and they start attacking him and Katara.

If they’re both trespassers why are they only attacking Aang and not Katara? How is Aang that close to the fire and he’s not got a Zuko burn yet? These important questions and more brought to you by me.

lol

Katara gets fed up with these people burning Aang and does a Dr. Crocker-esque panel by panel of her saying

“Stop. Trying. To. Set. My.

Reminds me of something else....something....even more awkward to say while attacking people....hm...

“Stay away from my dad’s ex-girlfriend!”

Oh well. I must have forgotten what it was. (coughKorraDoesntExistcough)

Then Zuko comes in and grabs Katara in a weird and compromising position. She says stop you’re hurting me oh no. And Zuko says not until you stop hurting my guards. Which she didn’t really hurt any of them. She demobilized them like Aang would, but they’re all still ok. She did throw ice shards, like pointy ones, Not sure what happened to that poor guy.

Aang gets mad at Zuko and they start fighting. Aang tries to talk to him while they are fighting and it’s kind of like a Naruto battle. And then....

God dammit.

But it’s ok because Katara does what she always does and just walks inside Aang’s killer air puncture ball no problem and touches his face to bring him out of the Avatar State. Which is sweet and I always like it when she did that. But how did she get inside the Aang ball?

Then Zuko says ok fine we can all calm down and talk. By the way, Zuko is growing incredibly weird cheekbones here. I think it’s a part of Bryke’s direction, because if you look at Korra almost every single male (except Bolin) has killer cheekbones. Like really really skinny face cheekbones. And now Zuko has them here.

Maybe they’re trying to represent Zuko becoming his father. Because Ozai had cheekbones too. But how does one get cheekbones like this in a year? Earlier in the comics, he didn’t have a face like this. He looks like a little skeleton man. Maybe it’s supposed to portray his aging due to stress like Lincoln or something. But man. It just doesn’t look like Zuko anymore. It looks like cheekbonko. That’s his new name.

Zuko had a change of heart after talking to the family in Yu Dao he met.

(gee maybe you should let the government be in control of the towns but let the people stay there because it is an old colony. Or let the colony stay so long as they don’t harass the Earth people. Or set up a joint government sort of thing with a council to rule these specific colony towns. Or anything but this dumb plot. ALSO LOOK AT ZUKO’S WEIRDASS HEXAGON FACE CHEEKBONES FUKC)

Also Katara doesn’t say anything she just stands there looking sad and confused. But just to make sure she does say something she says maybe Yu Dao should be the exception and only they can stay. Why is no one smart in this universe. But anyway, she decides to have another meeting with the Earth king.

It cuts to Zuko. The Kyoshi Warriors are his new bodygaurds. He gets up in the night to get water, but really he goes to see his father and DUN DUN DUN.

Well that was anticlimactic. Just seventy pages of UGH....THIS IS SO INFURIATING. But you know that’s fine.

This has been Part 1 of The Promise.

My predictions are Aang will not kill Zuko. (hes in the other comics) And they will remove everyone from their homes. Everyone will be happy despite that fact and Aang will get a kiss from his ‘sweetie’ the end.

But who knows?

#avatar the last airbender #the promise #anti bryke #aang #zuko #my posts #rant #ish

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fansplaining · 7 years

Text

A reader letter from grace_adieu!

In Episode 42, we read a portion of this letter, sent to us by email from @grace-adieu. We wanted to publish the full letter as well, since we didn’t have time to read the whole thing, and she makes many great points that we didn’t cover in the episode!

Hi Flourish and Elizabeth!

I was recently recommended your podcast by some friends from a community established during the wake of the dearly departed Toast and have basically spent the past week listening to the full back catalogue. This has had the side effect of making me have all the feelings on fandom, so I apologize in advance for how long winded this is about to be.

For some context, I was first introduced to fandom at about 12 in the early 2000s via Harry Potter fic on ff.net. Somewhat bizarrely, I was introduced to it by my dad, who had seen an article about fanfiction in our local paper and wanted to be supportive of his daughter’s nerdery. The article was very positive and focused on how cool it was that teenage girls were writing stories for fun, so it is less weird than the current mainstream idea that all fic=porn would make it seem, even though I did end up spending an embarrassingly large portion of my adolescence reading angsty Snape/Hermione fic (I take solace in the fact that that even at my angstiest, I was at least never a fan of Pawn to Queen).

As an adult, however, my primary fandoms tend to be video game fandoms (Dragon Age, Mass Effect, Fallout, Life is Strange, Dishonored) and my engagement with them has been overall quite similar to my engagement with my non-video game fandoms (Harry Potter, MCU, Hannibal). As a result, I was puzzled by the “Games and Fandom” episode’s framing of video game fandom as being separate from transformational fandom. While the stereotypical video game fan is certainly thought of as male and involved in affirmational fandom (if they are involved with the work beyond the level of consumption/enjoyment at all), there is a sizable portion of video game fandom that does not align with either of those stereotypes. Additionally, there is a significant amount of fanfic written for video game fandoms (AO3 has ~41k Dragon Age fics, which is several thousand more than the number of Doctor Who fics on that site). As a result, rather than comparing female/transformational fandom as a whole to male/affirmational video game fandom, I would say there there is a pretty distinctive split within the video game fandom between female/transformational and male/affirmational modes of engagement.

The two most obvious differences I see between transformative video game fandom and other transformative fandoms are the decreased focus on rooting for ships to become canon and the increased focus on OCs, both of which seem to stem from the fact that the most popular video game fandoms tend to be for games with branching narratives and customizable protagonists. Being able to make your own player character and control their choices throughout the game (or at the very least, control who they romance) means that, unlike movies/tv/books etc., there is no one true canon, but a wide range of possible canons. Thus, while people have plenty of opinions about which romances are the best written or the most emotionally satisfying, there is no motivation to push one ship as being “ the canon ship” since, in general, the existence of other canonical ships poses no threat to the status of an individual’s OTP. I can’t imagine there ever being a Harry/Hermione vs Ron/Hermione style ship war in the Dragon Age fandom for example.

In a similar vein, I think that the structure of RPGs has led to the video game fandom being more interested in the creation of OCs. While some people choose to essentially replicate themselves in the world of the game, it is common for people to take it as an opportunity to create entirely new characters. As a result you don’t see the same kind of stigma around OCs that you do in other fandoms (no one assumes that fic featuring an OC is going to be an awkward author self insert because almost all of the fic for the fandom features an OC) and you frequently encounter people who intensely develop their OCs lives/backstories via fic/fanart/short headcanons etc. You also see fans interacting with other fan’s OCs by submitting tumblr asks, creating fanart, and sometimes including them as side characters in their own fics.

This next paragraph is a bit of an aside, but basically to see if I was talking out of my ass about the idea of there being a gender based split within the fandom in terms of modes of engagement, I looked at the video game franchises with the highest number of fics on AO3 and found that of the top 5 franchises (Dragon Age, Final Fantasy, Mass Effect, Fallout and Overwatch) only Final Fantasy featured primarily male protagonists/player characters. The rest either had customizable protagonists (Dragon Age, Mass Effect, Fallout) or had roughly similar numbers of male and female playable characters (Overwatch currently has 9 women and 10 men, not counting genderless robot characters or the male gorilla). Furthermore, when you compare games that are similar in many aspects, but differ in terms of whether or not you can play as a woman, the difference in the level of transformative fandom engagement can be quite stark. For example, Dragon Age: Inquisition and The Witcher 3: The Wild Hunt are both incredibly popular, critically acclaimed games that came out in the past couple years. Both are action RPGs set in a version of fantasy medieval Europe with a heavy focus on magic, romance subplots and player choice. However, while DAI has a customizable protagonist, thus allowing you to play as a woman, TW3 has a set, male protagonist. Correspondingly, DAI has ~21k fics while TW3 has only 273 (and while I don’t have sales numbers, there is absolutely no way that DAI is 100 times more popular than TW3. If anything, TW3 is more popular). Working off of the assumption that women are more likely to play games when they can play as a woman, it seems that the idea of a split based on gender has some basis?

I also was really interested in your discussions about the definition of fandom, especially the idea that a lot of people view “being a fan” and “being in fandom” as more or less the same thing. To me, being a fan just means that you enjoy the original work, while being in fandom requires a level of further engagement. I also don’t think that being in a fandom necessarily means that you are a fan of the original work. While I have trouble seeing someone engaging in affirmational fandom without being a fan, I definitely enjoy transformative works for fandoms where I do not like the source material. For example, I can’t stand the Star Wars movies, but love jedistormpilot fics. Additionally, I entered the Harry Potter fandom as a fan of the original work, but as time went on, grew to dislike the books/movies while still loving the fandom. I know you talked about this a little when you mentioned having read Teen Wolf fic without having ever watched the show, but I think transformative fandom’s ability to take aspects of a work I dislike and build it into something I love is really special.

Sorry if this is a bit disjointed, I just really wanted to get my thoughts out. I love the podcast, and while I don’t always agree with what is said, the discussion never fails to be engaging and informative. I also wanted to thank you for doing such a great job on the Race and Fandom episodes. I was initially a bit apprehensive about listening to them because I’m used to otherwise intelligent and sensitive white people having a big ol’ blind spot when it comes to race, so the fact that they featured so many really wonderful guests of color (seriously, I just want to listen to Rukmini Pande talk about fandom forever) meant a lot to me as a fan of color.

Looking forward to future episodes!

#fansplaining #grace-adieu #reader mail

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