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princessofxianle · 1 year

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Hey remember this post???

I wanna hold on tighter thats just the way I'm wired: Chapter 1

🏹Feng Xin/reader🏹

🔞MDNI | 2.8k | fluff & eventual smut | read on ao3 | No one fucking look at me

Summary:

“Tell me everything,” he pleaded. There had never been an intimidating aura in his gaze, but his reaction to the boldness of his own words seemed to startle himself into fearing he might’ve been too forward, “Please.”

You did not answer in words. With him, you knew you didn’t need to.

You just took a step forward.

Your unfocused gaze locked forward in line with the chest of the taller man, your free arm reaching toward him, your mind screaming for your body to be embraced.

And embrace you he would. Whenever you so much as whispered for it.

Sometimes Feng Xin is just the only person you want to see after a long day. Luckily he really can't get enough of you.

...

You fumbled with your keys while standing outside your own apartment door. The exhaustion from your day had caught up with you as you struggled to even open the deadbolt on the door.

Eventually you made your way inside. Your apartment was simple but comforting. A wood wick candle was lit on the counter. The scent of juniper and spruce washed over you. It wrapped you in its scented tendrils, and heavily filled your lungs like a weighted blanket. A good weight. A secure weight.

And then your gaze landed on the person lounging on the couch. He hadn’t turned around yet to acknowledge your arrival, so you caught a glimpse of his profile. The sunlight leaking through the curtains caught the tips of his eyelashes and shimmered as he looked up and turned to welcome you home.

His eyes seemed to smile more than his lips as he greeted you.

His singular dimple appeared deeply on his left cheek. He didn’t have one on the right. And the shadow of that dimple made his face soft and perfect. You wanted to poke that little spot on his cheek.

Usually, it would make him laugh. To you that was a sound more beautiful than music. And then he would playfully tell you that you were silly for finding something so mundane still so adorable.

Then, when you would blush out of embarrassment for being called out, and he’d break out into an even stronger fit of laughter.

The skin between his thick eyebrows would crease above the bridge of a strong nose, nostrils subtly flaring with every gasp of breath between laughs. His eyes would smile upside down and close so tightly that small beads of tears would squeeze their way to the outer corners of his eyes like a single drop of morning dew on a small branch of apple blossoms.

Sometimes you would gently wipe away those happy tears with the soft pad of your thumb. But he would catch your hand instead, and kiss your palm, never breaking eye contact, and pulling you in with his gaze alone, like the attraction between two opposite poles.

It wasn’t a daunting gaze. It was magnetic. You couldn’t help but be drawn toward him. He was the direction in which the compass of your heart pointed. The North to your South. With one you must always have the other.

And then he’d smile.

Just like he was now.

The flex of his mild and strong jawline complimented his upturned lips.

The cut of his jaw wasn’t sharp like a knife. But rather bold like the rounded end of a stone hammer. Weathered and experienced. But far from showing any sign of decay.

His cheeks blushed as they swelled above his smile, plumping his prominent and round cheekbones. It was just like how he’d smile after kissing your hand. Except this time without the brief playful flick of a pink tongue peeking out at the corner of his lips.

Right now, there was no playful smirk.

Right now, Feng Xin just turned and smiled at you in the most genuine way a man ever could.

The most genuine way a god ever could.

Suddenly the sunlight streaming in from outside through the curtains was blocked by a cloud, and the two golden brown eyes that were smiling at you widened in cautious surprise, before he spoke.

“Meimei…” his voice trailed off, rumbling soft and low. Like the distant roll of thunder in the minutes before a storm threatened to pass over, warning the birds that something was wrong.

You were drawn from your wide-eyed and exhaustion driven trance at the sudden change in his expression. It was subtle. Only you would notice the slight tension in his jaw. You could feel the faint grind of his teeth in his mouth as he gnawed on the inside of his cheek. Something he only did when he was concerned.

He never really was able to hide that feeling very well.

Worry.

It was written everywhere across his facial features. The tightness of his jaw, to the wrinkle above his nose, to the darkness of his eyes.

Brown eyes so dark you were lost in them for a moment.

Yet before falling into them, you retracted the reach of your gaze from the man on the couch and shot it down toward the floor, keeping your eyes hidden under suddenly lowered lashes.

He noticed immediately.

You closed the door and wordlessly walked to put your things away, intentionally preventing your gaze from crossing his. After your key had finally been put away, a hand reached into your line of sight.

Not touching just…

Offering.

You had no choice but to look at him now. Frankly, you didn’t even know why you were acting this way. The person you loved most stood steps away from you. The calming touch of his skin mere inches from your own.

The intensity shown in his eyes wasn’t aggressive or even determined. It was soft. Welcoming. As if he had you tethered by an elastic band.

But, driven by habit, you resisted. Distance increasing but tension rising. You felt the space between you tighten. But when you had stretched the elastic band to its maximum, you could not fight the unbearable force it had on you anymore.

And you let go.

Everything you had been keeping tightly sealed away broke through the vault in your mind and flooded your heart.

Your eyes watered. Subtly. Enough that a fine glimmering line along your bottom lashes obstructed your vision, but no tears fell from them.

The hand he had extended toward you did not bother to stop or delay any more once he saw your face change in that moment.

The fingers of his left hand traced down from your temple and a thumb landed on your cheek. His right traced along your arm, fingers lightly grazing your skin in question.

You leaned a little toward the sensation involuntarily in answer. The warm palm of his hand made full contact and sparked on your skin at the touch. Like the clack of two magnets.

The hand on your cheek wandered until his thumb reached your lower lashes. He slowly ran the outer pad of his thumb across your damp lashes. At the wet feeling on his sensitive fingers, a faint hitch of breath stumbled from his diaphragm.

You did not answer in words. With him, you knew you didn’t need to.

You just took a step forward.

Your unfocused gaze locked forward in line with the chest of the taller man, your free arm reaching toward him, your mind screaming for your body to be embraced.

And embrace you he would. Whenever you so much as whispered for it.

The inaudible scream laced in the desperate reach of your arm was too heart wrenching for him to even attempt to ignore.

Swiftly his position shifted, and he swept you up into his arms, one arm supporting your knees, and the other hugging your shoulders. He nestled his face into the crook of your neck to breathe deeply, calming himself in the familiar scent of your perfume.

“What do you need?” he murmured into your neck. His voice cracked at those words, as if he couldn’t decide whether or not anything louder than a whisper would startle you. His voice was soaked in helplessness, even if it was the person in his arms, you, who was the source of that helpless feeling.

You really didn’t know how to respond to his question.

You lifted your head off him prompting him to lift his as well. You felt an expression appear on your face, and by his reaction it was likely a complicated one. He looked back at you wearing a half smile, softly upturned eyebrows, and glossy caramel milk chocolate eyes.

The concern in his gaze threatened to melt you. Yet still, your pride got the better of you. Even if you were being embarrassingly held in his arms, you convinced yourself you would remain solid.

But you leaned forward anyway. And understanding, he did the same.

Your foreheads met, like you wanted to communicate your unspoken words directly into his mind without the need for hard-to-find and difficult words.

The touch was a gentle reminder of his closeness to you and your trust in him.

For the moment, he held you there, in his arms, breathing.

He waited for your breathing to calm. Initially short and shallow, your breaths slowed and evened out as your body recognized you were safe.

You didn’t realize how much more relaxed you had become until you felt the deep rumble of a suppressed laugh against your face.

Your eyes had fallen closed, and you had subconsciously drawn closer to him, one breath away from your nose grazing his own. If you had done it on purpose, it almost would’ve been a taunt. But he laughed, knowing this wasn’t the case.

“Come with me.” He teased, you felt his breath against your lips, the touch of them however ghosting you entirely.

The phrase implied a question, but he had no intention of actually letting you go.

And you had no intention of leaving.

So, you let him carry you.

He turned his head in the direction of the couch. The warmth of his face left yours feeling cold when he turned away and as he started carrying you. He held you tight as he sat you down with him, placing you sideways in his lap and protecting your head as if he was holding a precious newborn.

Upon feeling the side of the couch at your back, the distance between you and him became unbearable, despite still being in his arms. You leaned toward him and adjusted yourself to wrap your arms under his shoulders and around his chest. Your cheek rested against his sternum.

You wanted to feel the thump of his heartbeat and steady cadence of his breathing. Wanted to take those rhythms and place them within your heart. Unfortunately, this was only the closest you could get.

He responded in kind, wrapping his own arms around you. His grasp was strong. Grounding. Not tight or restrictive. One arm crossing and protecting your back while the other held the back of your head.

You felt so very safe.

You had never felt so safe.

Feng Xin was the one person who could make you feel…

Safe.

He squeezed you against his chest. You squeezed back. It had been such a long day. Just holding onto the man in your arms comforted a place in your soul that had been feeling tension and discomfort for so long.

In response to your strengthened hug, he started gently running his fingers along your back, starting at the vertebrae below your neck and dragging a light touch in circles around each segment of your spine. One, two, three circles with his fingers before he’d move on to the next section and start the circles again.

You shuddered the moment his fingertips reached squarely between your shoulder blades, flexing them together and burying your face deeper into his chest with your eyes shut tight. He promptly removed his fingertips and replaced the teasing ticklish touch of his finger circles with a flat firm hand gently massaging the drawn muscles in your back, gingerly untying the knot in between your shoulder blades until they loosened again.

When you finally relaxed, you realized even being held like this, even intertwined like this, was still not close enough.

Your hands fell to fidget with the bottom hem of his shirt, rolling the soft fabric between your fingers.

His hands were still on your back and in your hair. But not wildly. There was only just enough movement to let you know he was still there. It suggested nothing more.

Seconds passed and you fought against every muscle in your body that was screaming at you to stay in his arms, to stay safe, and you instead lifted yourself from his embrace.

His arms fell away to allow you the freedom to move. You hated how cold you felt without him. You settled down again in his lap, now facing him with your legs on either side of his. Your hands found their way to his hair, tied up into a bun with only his long bangs framing his beautiful face.

Your hands held the back of his neck as you looked across his face, your gaze switching between both of his golden eyes. Each of your fingers sprawled out and cradled the space between the nape of his neck and the spot just behind his ears. Your finger pads ran up and down between the strands of his tied-up hair to massage his scalp. Your thumbs rested in front of his ears toying with the strands of hair that framed his face.

He simply stared back at you, his eyes hazy with bewilderment. You noticed his concern was still present in the slight crease between his brows.

You wanted that concern to disappear.

Feng Xin dared not to move as you placed your lips on his brow, the spot just above the bridge of his nose, and lightly kissed. Still holding his head and playing with his hair but now also urging his concern to go away.

Just as slowly as you leaned in to kiss him, you then drew back, admiring your work on the way. Settling yourself back in his lap and smiling sweetly now that the crease had melted away.

The bit of Feng Xin’s gaze that had held his cold concern now housed a new contrasting emotion. One that was a lot warmer. And it seemed to be growing throughout his face. The crease that had been between his eyes had been swapped out for a budding warmth in his features.

You were about to drop both of your hands from his neck when Feng Xin reached up to stop one of them from moving. He intertwined his fingers with yours and pressed his cheek into your palm, closing his eyes.

Hot.

His cheek burned.

Like the scorching sun at the height of summer. Not enough to hurt at first. But dare to stay exposed too much longer and your skin might bubble. Skin cooked raw to the touch.

Too much longer like this and he’d turn you to ash.

Feng Xin hastily shifted his upper body forward, leaning in tauntingly close as he stood to pick you up. Momentum from his movement drew your face toward his and you let it.

His strong hands supported you, gripping tenderly under your thighs as you succumbed to the tingling burn on your skin.

And you kissed him. Sudden and chaste, yet lingering.

He kissed back. Brief but hungry. He only allowed himself to bite your lip for a moment before reluctantly pulling away and meeting your gaze.

You hooked your feet behind his lower back as both reassurance and to steady yourself. In response, Feng Xin carefully and eagerly carried you to your room, and laid you down on your back underneath himself. His one arm gingerly lowered you while the other supported himself above your shoulder and past your ear.

You noticed his fluid movement pause at the sight of you. Your hair draped around your head like a crown as you gazed back at him. You ran your fingers through your own hair to test your theory, and it earned you an open-mouthed gasp from him.

Quiet, but undeniably real.

You drew that same hand away from your hair and ghosted your skin along the back of his neck, twisting the short wisps of hair at his nape around your fingers. When your hand did eventually settle on his neck, that slightest bit of applied force seemed to crumble him, and he dropped his face toward yours, using your hand to guide his way.

And he kissed you again. And again, and again.

There was palpable pressure this time. And much more greed.

Like if he didn’t kiss you just right or if he didn’t kiss you just enough that, for some reason, he thought he would never again get the chance.

Like it was the last and only thing he had ever wanted to do. And, gods be damned, he was going to do it right.

...

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