#ITS OF MY BABY!! TAPI!!!

[inktho]

textures of coming home

For Giant Robot’s upcoming Neko Show

#it’ll be for sale but I hope no one buys it bc i want to keep it #ITS OF MY BABY!! TAPI!!! #acrylics #full illust

[genosayyy]

desperately need some1 to talk to me ab angel densetsu !!!!!!

#its so underrated #i love angel densetsu !!!! #its so good #the ending is open ended in a good way like u can make up shit ab what happens next #n its all good #i love how everything works out for kitano #its funny cuz nothing ever works out the way he wants it to be #kitano my baby who is constantly misunderstood #im so happy for his friends ^_^ #they appreciate n cherish kitano #its what he deserves !!!! #goddddd angel densetsu is so well written its insane #tapi... there were parts where it made me feel like... erk ???? #but ok je nothing too srs #me thinks

[puddin-dear]

Cool info post to pin to my blog

⭒ About Me ⭒

(putting the read more here bcuz this shits long)

I’m not that young trust me lmao, i’m just immature on the internet /hj

I’m a poc whos heritage comes from :

🇬🇾🇩🇴

I am also AUDIHD (Autism+Adhd)

Pronouns - They/Them + Anything else

(yes that includes Neopronouns and Xenopronouns)

Age - 13+ & 18-

(for the record, not it does not mean I am 13 or 18. Ppl forget theres a +/- there for a reason. I am older than 13!!)

Name - Tapioca

N/N - Tapi, Tap, Taps, whatever else you can think of

Lgbtqia+ - Lesbian, Genderfluid, Acespike

Other Identities - Alterhuman/Therian, Witch, Otherhearted

Religion - Satanist + Pagan

Music taste - Babymetal, Fairymetal, Rock, Goth, Midwest Emo, Emo, Indierock, Folk, Punk, Indie, Weirdcore, Chiptune, Merengue, Soca, etc

(basically im one of those “anything but rap, country or pop. With the occasional exceptions for certain pop songs)

What will I post? - Art, Therian memes, Therian shitposts, My animal masks (which I make and sell), My tails, Writings, Witch shit & possibly more

⭒ Theriotypes ⭒

(theriotypes)

Mainecoon Calico Cat

Australian Shepherd

Brown York Chocolate Cat

Bombay Cat

White Turkish Angora Cat

Black and White Marbled Cat (not the species Marbled Cat)

Jaguarundi

Snow Leapord

Spotted Hyena

Striped Hyena

Raven

(Ik its a lot of cats 😞)

⭒ Theriomythics ⭒

(Theriomythics)

Skeleton cat

Black Starflesh Cat

White Winged Cat

Unconfirmed

(Unconfirmed)

-Aka questioning or confused abt

Raven

Altlas Moth

Puma

DNI CRITERIA-

-Racism

-ZIONISTS

-Homophobia (this includes Biphobia, Lesphobia, Transphobia, Acephobia and hate towards neo/xeno-gender/pronoun users)

-Alterhuman hate

-Zoophilia

-Pedophilia

-Just being an asshole ngl

-Thinking agere/littlespace is sxual

-Anti-fur

-Lolicons… (not Lolita fashions, ily guys)

-Explicit NSFW

-Ppl who fake claim without real evidence

-Babies autistic ppl

-“Agefluid”

-Ill add more when I think of them later

Ty for reading! This will be edited in the future when I think of more shit to put here

#Ngl if you read all this you have my respect #therians #therian #alterhuman #otherkin #therianthropy #alterhumanity #theriotype #alterhumans #alterkin #alterkins #therian identity #cat theriotype #cat therian #cat therians #theriomythic #dog theriotype #dogkin #dog therian #catkin #hyena therian #alterkinnity #alterhuman identity #otherkinnity #otherhearted #pagan witch #paganism #witchcraft #lesbian

[ulilaul]

Lookin' at you feels like a dream Please stay right here Your lips, your blush, your eyes, your touch

Baby, you are really something else Cause I don't think I have smiled like this before When I spend my time with you it tends to stop Honey, being around you is all I need, Luthfiii😘🥰❤

-

Hiiii my lovely ayangg ufiii, Nggak terasa yaa udah 6,480,000 detik dari kita ketemu sampe detik ini kita bersama hehehehe Nggak sedetikpun aku merasa kecewa udah pilih ayang ataupun ketemu ayang. Tiada hentinya aku bersyukur dipertemukan kamu, pasangan yang super baik, rumah aku, pemimpin aku, my soulmate, pelindung sekaligus jadi kakak yang baiik dan penyayang untuk aku. Terima kasih banyak ayaang udah sayang sama aku. Terima kasih banyak ayaang udah milih aku untuk jadi tempat berlabuh hati ayaang. Terima kasih juga udah bersedia jadi tempat pemberhentian terakhirku, tempat mendarat hatiku dengan mesranya. Banyak hati yang udah sama-sama kita singgahi, tapi kita sepakat untuk berhenti mencari dan singgah satu sama lain, menjadikan rumah satu sama lain.

I love you more and more and more every day, Luthfi Noviardi Andani. Let's grow and glow up together, my future husband. Let's build our future family together with blessed of Allah, with Sakinnah, Mawaddah, Warahmah❤🥰😘

With lots of love, Lia ❤❤❤❤❤

---

A relationship isn't based on the length of time that we spent together, its based on the foundation that we've built together.

[typingrose]

18th April 2024, Thursday.

Harini sudah syawal yang ke-9. Aku sangat hampa sebab tak dapat tengok kubur ayah lagi. Since ramadan until dah habis raya dah, hmm 😓 Raya was okay lah but me and husband had to juggle with pergi raya sana sini so quite penat menghadap everyone, but it was all right, i enjoyed every moment of it.

Lately ni aku dah macam kurang memasak pula. Sebab we always makan kat luar with family. Ada ada je mak aku ajak makan lah. Kadang makan rumah acap lah. So macam kurang pula this time i cook for my husband, rasa bersalah. Then he gave me RM3000 as nafkah since October 2023 and RM500 for duit raya 🥺 Tak pernah aku rasa seberharga begini. I know its a kewajipan untuk dia bagi nafkah, tapi aku kesian hmmm tapi buat apa nak kesian after teringat balik what he did to me before before hehe lagipun I helped him alot mah hehe. Dah lah semalam dia minta izin nak buat tiktok account waktu kat depan rumah. Balik masuk rumah tahu tahu dah tengah sign up zzz harap dia tak tengok yang bebukan lah ye, dan tak nampak acc si babi tu.

I hope Allah murahkan rezeki suami aku kerana selalu bahagiakan isterinya. Walaupun dia dengan perangai buruk dia, aku cuba untuk redha dengan petunjuk dan ujian yang Allah bagi. I hope he got a better job in other industry pekerjaan dia. I hope my boss accepts him joining MMT. InsyaAllah somoga Allah makbulkan doa aku.

I hate whatever I posted here, end up being stalked / followed by these stupid porn accounts. Aku tak faham macam mana all my posts boleh got recommended sampai ke situ zzz just stop muncul on my likes and followers dummie!

[dearserenesoul]

The night of 1st Syawal

I've already anticipated this feeling towards the end of Ramadan. I'm not ready for Ramadan to end. I need longer Ramadan. During the 28th or the 29th night, i got worried. What if this serenity i felt in Ramadan doesn't last?

And yes, i hated listening to lagu raya, reminding me that it's no longer Ramadan. I never feel this sad over the end of Ramadan. But i feel guilty too for feeling sad, bcs i know i'm supposed to celebrate the victory of returning to fitrah. Maybe i did return, but the real journey feels like it just began; the true mujahadah an-nafs as well as mujahadah the evil whisper of the shaytan.

Got a bit emotional last night, that when everyone was throwing raya wishes & du'a, i posted gentle warning to not wish me raya lol. Cuz i'm so overwhelmed with the sadness over its departure.

Taking the benefit of the night of eid, that is said to be the night where du'a is not rejected, i woke up. But i took my time to plan my du'a, while staring at the ceiling.

Apparently my sadness was not just for the departure of Ramadan. And that awareness made me feel even worse. I was reminded of last year's eid. I was battling my emotions again.

“Don't wish me raya. Make du'a for me semoga i'm happy again, semoga tahun ni last raya single, so that i can get my old self back yang happy, focused, unbothered, in my lane, moisturized,”

i wrote to my close friends, especially my girls; letting them know the state i'm currently in since we haven't talk sepanjang Ramadan. Kinda letak limit awal-awal kejap kot; that i'm not ready to rekindle.

Then there i was; on sejadah. Tears dropped on my cupped hands.

“Ya Allah, sepanjang Ramadan i kept silent except once. But all my nights belong to You. I chose You over my own self, my own feelings, my own emotions. I surrendered to You everything. But here i am again. It's me again, after all those nights, with these feelings & emotions burdening me. Please, look at me ya Allah. Please, listen to me.”

Yet it still felt wrong to say anything of my own choice.

“If it's good for me, please bring it close to me. If not, please erase my shaqawah. Make me among the people of sa'adah.”

It's the same du'a i recited once during one of the days in Ramadan. And I asked Allah, that i really want to meet my love. I really want to.

Last night Abang Im got a bit tempered just bcs i asked to pass pinggan lauk yang jauh from me (?). He raised his voice to me. I cannot. I'm never okay with people raising their voices to me, what more males, what more for unjustified reason. So it stirred my emotions a bit even more too. That i want to stop being taken as a child that people can raise their voice at. I'm an adult and talk to me like an adult.

At that time, i naively thought, if I had my man next to me by now, people may take me more seriously. That my protector is here—while knowing well that fighting with a spouse is even more common. But if he can raise his voice during our fight, is he even the man with the traits i've been asking from Allah? Only the traits i beg for, or not; “ya Allah, make him so gentle & soft with me, even in his anger.”

So again & again, I make du'a for the righteous spouse i've been waiting for all my life.

But then the morning of 1st Syawal went well. I was in a good mood, no inconvenience happened. Tudung on point, makeup jadi, abah tak being his usual hasty & pushy self yang pressure orang suruh siap cepat lol. So yeah, pagi raya went well <3

Hikss ootd 🙆🏻‍♀️ We're in navy blue this year 💙 Tapi kak hus abang mat fahri mufaraqah 💆🏻‍♀️ cuz katanya tahun lepas dah navy blue for their small family. So they're in black. Okay lah, sipi-sipi.

Us with Mok, seb baik coordinate jugak with us hee. Tahun depan inshaAllah tambah lagi 2 (babies), or 3 termasuk menantu mama abah. Allahumma aminnnn. AMIN PALING SERIOUSSSSS!!

[kurakuray]

Untukku, untukmu, dan untuk kita

Tiada lain tiada bukan. Semoga hidupmu adalah perjalanan menuju Tuhanmu. Semoga setiap derap langkahnya adalah demi ridhaNya. Semoga setiap perjalanan adalah perjalanan yang memberikanmu hikmah dan menuntunmu padaNya. Semoga lingkunganmu kini pun menjadi tempat terbaik yang Allah berkahi untuk semakin mendekat kepadaNya. Dan hal-hal lainnya, semoga apapun itu ujungnya adalah Dia.

Katanya tahun ini, hari dan tanggalnya sama seperti kembali ke tahun dimana hari itu Allah hadirkan kamu di muka bumiNya. Aku jadi penasaran, apakah puluhan tahun silam juga saat Ramadhan?

Jumuah mubarok. The days in which we seek His forgiveness.

O Allah, forgive me for all my sins, including the great and small, the first and the last, the apparent and the hidden.

May Allah cleanse our souls and leave our slates as blank and clean like that of a baby in its mother's womb. Note : Awalnya ini hanya untukku makanya judul awalnya "For You". Tapi hari ini aku disadarkan oleh seorang teman untuk tidak memikirkan diri sendiri. Untuk menyelipkan doa pula untuk mereka. Lantas diganti menjadi "Untukku, untukmu dan untuk kita".

Pandan, 22 Maret 2024

[coralraelynn]

December 11th, 2023 and still counting.

To Kabex.

My thoughts will echo your name, until I see you again These are the words I held back, as I was leaving too soon I was enchanted to meet you Please don't be in love with someone else Please don't have somebody waiting on you

Its funny si yang kalo aku pikir-pikir, this song, represents me dearly dulu. Aku cuma bisa berharap kamu ga lagi sayang sama siapa-siapa. Will I ever be with you someday? Will I ever comeback? Apa ini cuma kehaluan aku doang yg mau bisa sama kamu🫠

And here I am rn, as yours truly for a month already. Life is strange, life is funny, tapi yauda deh gapapa asal sama kamu sekarang.

Hear me out, hear me out, hear me out No need to hesitate (Hear me out, baby, come on) Oh, babe, hold me closely (Yeah, yeah, hold me close) Feels like we're the only ones in focus (Yeah, see only you) Let's not waste any more time

Hihi ini lagu jugaa aku sama kamu bangeeet ya yaang kalo dipikir-pikir. Baru juga kita saling confess selama ini ngerasa gimana, bertahun-tahun perasaan yang dipendem keluar juga. And everything went like a blur. We weren't wasting any more time for it🤣 jujur aku sempet khawatir.. apa boleh secepet ini? Tapi aku juga mau nekat, dan aku ga ada nyesel sama sekali sama keputusan ini.

The way you make me feel inside It's in your smile It's in your eyes I don't wanna wait for tonight So I'm daydreamin' With my chin in the palm of my hands About you You And only you

Thisssss. Ini habit akuuu bgtt siiii. Aku seneng bangeet tiap liat kamu masuk mentab aku, bahkan cuma lewat tl aku. Aku selalu kepikiran kamuuuu. Kamu bener-bener udah jadi rutinitas aku dari aku bangun yang maunya liat dm kamu, sampe hal2 kecil juga yang aku terus kasitau kamuu.

Before you met me I was alright, but things were kinda heavy You brought me to life, now every February You'll be my Valentine, Valentine

Let's go all the way tonight No regrets, just love We can dance, until we die You and I, will be young forever You make me Feel like I'm livin' a teenage dream

Pasti kamu uda sering banget denger ini dari aku. Tapi sebelumnya aku ga perna sesayang ini sama orang. Rasanya aku terus-terusan mau bucinin kamuuuu, mau ngasitaau universeee aku happy bgtt kamu uda jadi punyaa akuuu. Aku ngerasa aku lebih mood karna ada kamu, karna mau sama kamu teruuuuss. Aku juga ngerasa gimana kamu sangaat baik dalam ngetreat aku. Bener bener buat aku ngerasa livin my teenage dream.

Like the best of our worlds collide Never understood what it meant It meant to submit to love So beyond what lust is Hey, it's a blessing that you're in my life Make me look even better When we shine, we shine together Yeah, that's what love is

I wanted to say lots of thankyous buat kamu. Thank you for allowing this girl to be part of your world sayang. Thank you for allowing this girl to touch, to caress, and to hold your heart dearly. Thank you udaa bener-bener jadi cowo aku yang super sabar untuk banyak hal. Thank you buat effortnya yang udah notis kebiasaan aku yang pasti banyak yg beda sama kamu, dan coba untuk jadi lenient ke hal-hal tersebut. Thank you for being so positive sama perbedaannya kita berduaa. Thank you udah jadi cowo aku yang selalu jaga perasaan aku. Thank you udah selalu prioritasin aku.

Boong bgt kalo aku bilang aku ga takut aku bakal messed up and ruin this chance with you. Tapi along the way, aku ngerasa those baggage slowly uda ga ngebebanin aku. Aku masi inget kamu yang nyuruh aku jangan takut. Dan sekarang, hal yang aku takutin uda ga buat aku takut lagi. Thank you udah jadi dinding aku yang kokoh, apalagi at the early stage of our relationship, dimana aku bisa jadi diri aku, slowly opened up to you, dan perbaikin salahnya aku.

Aku harap kamu ga cepet capeee sama akuuuu. Semoga dynamics kita bakal jadi lebih baaik. Kasitau aku kalo ada yg buat kamu kepikiran, dan aku bakal ngelakuin hal yg sama. Aku suka bgt orientasi problem solving kita berdua, i hope we could keep this up, or make it better.

Aku sangat amat bersyukur bisa milikin dan dimilikin kamu. Aku sayang kamu banyak banyak kabex, stay with me for a long time pooh bear. I love you, and happy first mensive love❤️

#Spotify #Coral Kabex

[smollilbaby]

TRIPS

BALI TRIPS TOGETHER IN FEB'24

Honestly, i AM SUPER EXCITED for the trips! Im looking forward for the day that we gonna spend long 7days together! Im honoured la cause baby wants to go with me even you like cb scared that things might happen blahblah shits. I can assure you, you and me, are gonna be together forever and ever. I really want to spend the rest of my life with you. Theres nothing else that could make me happy other than you do. Honestly if im a guy right now, you'd officially be my fiances right now and we would be busy savings up for our wedding. Tapi itu semua hanya mampu di mimpi indah sahaja.

But what i meant to say is, im very lucky to have you. You're sweet, youre passionate, youre caring and youre loving. Yknow theres more of it like i could make a long list about it but yknow it will never end cause you're everything, sayang. Im so lucky.

Its gonna be my first ever trip overseas alone without my family and baby, i'll be as timid i could be cause im scared. HAHAAHAHAH I usually walks behind my family but now, we're walking to Bali together. I cant express what i really feel cause to me its like a big thing. Dia mcm ibarat pergi honeymoon yknow the feeling? Ahhhhh

I cant wait to do my passport and we can book the flight cause we only left the flight now!! Can u feel the excitement in me already?! I cant wait to go to the places you've been at, do the activities there and most importantly, taking photos together! We havent even go yet but i could feel like its gonna be the favourite moment of my life with you. Like you & me + overseas, TOGETHER. Can you imagine?!

I cant wait to spend the full 7 days with you, sayang! Finally i get to sleep with you, like you could finally sleep properly! Cant wait to see you sleep, see you do ur night routine, morning routine like im there beside you, looking at you, ahhhhh ayang jom kahwin! Im really looking forward to it baby!!

And yknow whats best? Seeing you grow 1 older on the 23rd to 24th feb itself HAHAAHAH dia mcm okay sayang, nari u 23 years old, esok you bangun you dah 24 tau. HAHAAHAH hais i cant wait ah ayaang!! I love love you so muchhh! I appreciates that mybaby wants to go with me to bali on ur special day too. I know we both cant wait for the day to come, but for now, lets hustle hard so we could enjoy later!

Wise person once said, " senyum lah walaupun ada apa apa dugaan " .

Honestly i forget how u said it but mcm tu la you cakap HAAAHAH but wtv you said will always be on my mind. You makes me crazy in everyway by being in love with you.

#bali #cepatlafeb #bdaymonth

[milodinosour]

Hehehe..

Short story. Last Saturday night, after work me and my Twin and her husband with baby Jackson went to one of the supermarket in Pandan 6. Sekali kan.. I was confused 😂 pasal the last time I went to this supermarket was Eid Fitri's eve which was in almost half year ago in April 😆

From the entrance was still same arrangement of aisle everything. As for the back part of the market were revamp and there had me confused. Usually you'd know where to find what you wanted. Tonight we are lost 😂 everything were like shuffled around, took us almost an hour to get just a few ingredients. Yes, we did asked one thing that we couldn't find from the staff but they too not even sure since its not their designated aisle kan. Understandable😆 Tapi, the products not all complete sampai we terbeli the not good quality of wanton skin 😖 mehhh.. We beli because that's the only choice we have. But. Takpe lah. Next time we know which product we shouldn't buy.

See... It looks so much better pulang. More big and spacious. Hopefully soon ada complete all the products there.

#supermarket #superstore #shopping #tuna wantan #wantan #tuna #confuse #funny #memories #milodinosour #cooking

[scarletsmeetsummer]

Tryin to become a good girl but I prefer the honest one instead of liked by others by being a good one

That tears finally come up again baby, in front of him. You talked about it again right in his face. You know everything, expect all of his answers so not surprised.

100% believe that even if I talked to him, i will never got what i wanna hear, so yah.. i’m not disappointed.

But its just okay, i let my self to think it before i cry back then, I really don’t care if he choose to let go of me after this one.

i know i’m gonna break into pieces after that but if that is something that i should face then just let it be. Let’s break into pieces, at least now I believe that Allah will still there for me.

but if something’s got better after this then (alhamdulillah wqwq ga deng) then maybe its the best for me and us, and maybe that means i’m strong enough to still fight it till the end.

funny that you know everything, not everything sih cause you don’t care anyway bout me though so you don’t wanna know everything just some of the story that i lock.

funny that you know my 2nd acc yang dibuka cuma pas mau misuh2 aja. That’s not the real me anyway so don’t believe but maybe that’s also a part of me whose locked inside mine.

funny and sad, you know what sad is? You care a lot with everything that’s comes out from me that hurt you instead of part of me and part of you whos happy to become together. Sad rite? It’s really sad for me, everything i do is just only traumatized someone i love. In fact, that only me whose so happy for everything happened. And still remember everything.

you know my 2nd acc so how bout this tumblr? but that’s not important that you know it or not, cause the most important is your heart and your feelings after you know everything.

——

all the sadness i got is valid so do he is. But hey remember, yours also.

——

ah cape ngetik pake bahasa inggris, udah mah amburadul gatau juga mau nulis apa wqwq

the only reason kenapa aku nulis ini hari ini ya pure karena sedih aja, semua yg kulakuin cuma bikin seseorang trauma, sebenernya emang aku ni ngapain sih? -

sedih ya, ternyata semua perasaan yg kamu curahkan selama ini tidak bisa menyelamatkan seseorang dari hal yang kamu perbuat, semua usaha yg kamu lakukan selama ini ya tidak ada nilainya, semua usahamu hanya menjadikan seseorang menjadi orang lain yang tidak lagi kamu kenal, mmm koreksi dikit sih ia menjadi seperti itu bukan salah mu, itu semua pilihan dia, don’t blame yourself again plz, yah itulah intinya.. apapun yg kamu lakukan tidak bisa menyelamatkannya dari apapun, karena ya mungkin memang hanya ia yg bisa menyelamatkan dirinya sendiri. Begitupun kamu.

Jadi dipikir2 untuk apa aku berusaha? Jika akhirnya semua usaha ku juga hanya akan dilupakan dan dianggap sia-sia, jika semua perasaan ku tidak diperlukan jadi untuk apa masih ku curahkan?

tapi ya… perasaan manusia terjadi begitu saja kan ya, jika kamu mau berjalan dengan logika, mari kita bermain bersama logika dan takdir tuhan.

aku tidak bisa serta merta melupakan mu dan semua, aku masih menaruh perasaan yg dalam untuk mu dan masih akan menunjukannya saat ku mau, aku juga belum akan menyerah untuk terus ada di jalan ini. Aku lebih akan menyerahkannya pada tuhan, jika memang kamu untuk ku aku percaya tuhan akan mengirimkan mu untuk ku, namun jika bukan, bagaimanapun caranya tuhan pasti akan terus menjauhkanmu dari ku sekeras apapun aku berusaha. Jadi jika dengan usaha ku kamu pergi, maka mungkin memang bukan jalan tuhan, tapi setidaknya aku sudah berusaha jdi aku tidak akan kecewa dengan hasilnya.

sedih, kenapa ya semua sikap baik seseorang bisa tidak berarti apa apa untuk orang lain, padahal bagiku, seberapa jahatnya seseorang, semua kebaikannya tetap aku ingat dan membuatku berpikir 2x untuk menganggapnya jahat. Bahkan jika seseorang itu berharga, semua hal jahat yg pernah ia lakukan tidak berarti lagi untuk ku. Sebagai seseorang yg berkepribadian _S_J yang dikenal dengan tahan banting dan mampu dealing dengan hal2 yg tidak mereka sukai untuk waktu yg lama, ku rasa ini menjadi pedang bermata 2 lagi untuk ku akhirnya.

aku tidak berharap kamu berubah menjadi seperti dulu, akupun tidak berharap aku berubah seperti dulu, aku berharap kamu bisa jujur dan terus menjadi dirimu sendiri, jujur dengan perasaan mu, jujur dengan dirimu, jujur dengan orang lain, aku suka matamu karena dari semua bagian dari dirimu, matamu selalu jujur atas segalanya. Itulah kenapa aku selalu ingin melihat matamu, karena dengan begitu aku menjadi tau.

dan dengan melihat matamupun aku menjadi tahu, bukan aku prioritas mu, benar memang hanya ada kamu dan dirimu, aku tidak perlu ada, ada atau tidak pun semua sama saja, sedih mengetahuinya tapi ya memang begitu adanya yah.. tidak menjadi penting untuk seseorang yg kamu anggap penting begitu menyedihkan ya.

tapi ya sudah aku tidak sedang buru buru atas apapun juga, aku percaya orang yg tepat akan melihatku dengan baik, akan menghargai semua usaha ku dan sama sama saling membersamai, mau itu ia orangnya atau ada orang lain yg tiba tiba datang dan merebut hati ku darinya, yahh siapapun lah itu orangnya, i’m not in hopeless romantic phase again.. aku percaya dengan Allah’s plan, Allah’s time, dan semua muanya pokonya

masi banyak hal yg mau ku lakukan juga, dunia tidak hancur meskipun aku tidak menikah dan bertemu jodoh saat ini juga kan ya, toh jodoh mati rejeki di tangan Allah

siapa tahu yg datang memang bukan jodoh duluan, siapa tau rejeki atau malah kematian

daripada sibuk-sibuk mengurusi perihal jodoh yg si jodoh yg diharapkannya masih belum mau dan belum timingnya atau bahkan mungkin bukan orangnya, lebih baik mengurusi hal lain yg sudah pasti terjadi tanpa harus berusaha pun.. kematian

mari mempersiapkan diri lebih baik untuk menuju kematian yg berkah dan khusnul khotimah, you wish for death hundreds times but you know you aren’t and never ready for it, jadi kenapa bukannya kamu siapin semua bekal untuk bisa sampai ditahap siap untuk sampai disana?

always wondering, kalau aku pergi apa akan ada orang yg menangisi kepergian ku selain kedua orang tua ku? Apa selama ini aku sudah berbuat kebaikan untuk orang lain hingga jika aku pergi akan menyisakan kesedihan untuk mereka? Aku harap aku bisa berbuat banyak kebaikan untuk orang lain agar kelak jika aku pergi, doa2 mereka bisa menerangi dinginnya alam kubur ku nanti, bukan lagi tangisnya mereka atau rasa bencinya mereka yg terus memberatkan hisab2 ku atas semua perlakuan yg ku lakukan di dunia

[kalekalengan]

H<3 #24

hi baby, it's almost 4am as i wrote this while listening to our playlist (also i added some songs to our playlist i hope you listen to it<3) February 17 , our first ever museum date was amazing!, even tho it felt like we only been there for couple of minutes but for me, i just wanna live in that moment. together you know? because i just love to silently looking at you and silently take some picture of you while looking at Chiharu Shiota installation. i also love your outfit it was perfect tau! you look cute, next time kita kainan yuk! jujur aku mau banget kainan sama kamu kalo kita go on a date somewhere and then we took small stroll to the eatery and you forced me to eat a timun lol! i do hate timun but since that day it make me wanted to try vegetable again you know lol, it gonna took some time and maybe make you mad/bete but i hope aku bisa makan buah-buahan lagi! aku juga secepet mungkin bikin sim A & C so i can pick you up and kita ga rely anymore on gocar/gojek and i'm gonna drive you home yeay! makasih banget loh for today it truly make me happy in fact aku mau ketemuan lagi tau kayak it so addicting and no i am not gonna be bored seeing your face every single day baby<3, i also had a plan for us next month and it's aquarium date with you baby! it was originally the place where aku bakal tembak kamu tapi ya kita kehabisan tiket lol, another plan that i wanna do is spending the whole day and sleeping with someone i truly in love and its my amazing girlfriend killa! also babe can you please pake loreal lagi? kalo gak gapapa sih but that smell it's amazing i love it sayang! also jangan lupa bikin akun tumblrnya ya so you never miss my journal about you baby anyway i hope this letter that i wrote to you make you happy when you wake up baby! cant wait to see you again sayang<3

much love 💗 , from your soft boyfie abel<3

[dearserenesoul]

Space, Spacious, Headspace

Last night i slept dekat rumah Biing. Quarters for government servant. Quite spacious; 3 rooms, 2 bathrooms, 1 store. Ya Allah, one day if i get to buy a property like this, i'll be bersyukur sangat dah. I dream to have my own personal space like this too, under my name, with my own money <3

Comel je newlywed, baby is otw, duduk rumah cecomel sederhana macam ni. I wont demand much kalau dah jumpa jodoh and awal-awal kahwin macam ni. To have our small home we can decorate together, live together, mula bina hidup sesama dah bahagia sangat dah. A place of our own. Our little home for our little family. InshaAllah, one fine day.

. . .

Sebagai seorang yang masih grieving dan tak tahu dekat stage mana (i think im going back and forth between the stages), today i got new realization & reflection. I had a perception that he sees me as soft spoken manipulator. At first i was like...ehh. Takde lah marah tapi cam..whatt. But now i have new perspective as to what was going on back then. Both from my pov and his.

Before pergi rumah Biing, Kak Long belanja dinner dekat luar. As simple as dinner dekat luar ni made me reflect differently, because of the space around me.

I think i was so much in my head that my narrative, perception & attitude byk sgt problematic. Betul lah, i was so isolated, so indoor, my world mostly was just my bedroom and my screens, my space was too small, i was in worst place for my thesis too, and it affected my experience of us. Codependent big time. Our dynamic was the largest part of my life. While for him, seorang yang berkerja corporate everyday, even sometimes he gets busy sampai lewat malam, battling his mental health issue lagi, definitely his perception was 180° beza from me. I was careless to understand his place properly. We were really on different page, both in life and in our dynamic.

I was so wrong, so codependent and i wasnt aware that i executed misbehaviours that most probably can be perceived as manipulative. I was clingy and expressive. I thought i was being genuine and honest when in fact it can came across as love bombing. I was the one who has crush on him so i operated from this place of lovey dovey, while he was still in the getting to know me phase; who's this girl, what about herself and her life. Our attachment and investment were not the same.

I remember he said to me many times, "kita take it slow okay, temper expectation okay". What i filter thru my ears was: he's not serious, he's unsure, this is one sided, he plays me yada yada. I got mad at him a lot too. For him, having partner is just the last missing piece because he has other commitments and struggles. He used to be so heart broken, he must had wanted to be careful, while i was so anxious and moved too fast.

I dont want to make any conclusion about who he is as a person. Im sure, the way he didnt get to see the version of me with others and he only got to see my worst, i believe its vice versa. So because of this blank spaces, im still hopeful. Betul lah, we can be angel in some stories, but villain in others because every dynamic brings out different version of us. And i still want to give him the benefit of the doubt & cut him some slack. As far as i've dealt with him, i see his good sides as well as his weakness, just like i have both too.

Idk, as my perspective and reflection get wider, internally i can no longer be so sure as to what should i feel and think. Things rarely black and white. But im more clear. Maybe my hope comes from the place where i choose to see the good side and am still curious about what could have become, given i do better for what is in my control. And also, sebab memang takde rasa nak do this thing dengan orang lain lagi. Like, ada orang dia try je with new people kalau ada lil bit interest tu. But for me, it takes more to start again. I need to have spark of feeling for the other party. I'm not doing this thing just because. Even before i made a proper move on him, i took approximately six months to observe him and had few casual conversations to get the rough idea.

I'm still grieving and still taking my time to reflect things, and the most important thing is to focus on myself. In this state of mind and heart, it's very easy to fall into 'damsel in distress' mode and just want to quickly have someone new to 'save' me from this misery. As romantic as it sounds, it's not healthy for myself, as well as unfair for anyone to get involve with me. If i were to start again and i hope it to permanently last, i need to be well prepared and in my good enough shape.

. . .

Although people say that condominium has its own drawbacks, i really appreciate having this wide far view from above. Rasa luas dunia, terasa lapang dada dan headspace. My house is typical housing area. Pandang ke luar tingkap, nampak rumah orang and the view is so limited. Reason why dulu masa undergrad dekat UIA, tiga tahun tu i picked bilik level atas. Rezeki mata dan eye sight.

. . .

Or maybe i just need some time to be redha to let go and utilize every lesson from the past mess to be and do better in the future with someone else.

#grief journal

[niant111]

19 Dec 2022 •

TT day 2. Alhamdulillah gagal 2x di jam-jam awal selebihnya aman. Durasi training lebih lama dari kemarin. Dan adik pun lumayan excited untuk pee&poop di kamar mandi. Bahkan pas setelah jam 9malem pake pampers pun, kebelet juga minta ke kamar mandi.

So many things yang harus direlakan. In my case, jam kerjaku berantakan. Jam tidur deng. Kalau kerjaan selalu berusaha untuk catch up. But its okay, mumpung akhir Desember juga.

Bersyukur karena harini adik bisa lepas celana sendiri, pakai rukuh sendiri. Bersyukur meeting dadakan dan shalat bisa lancar terjadi tanpa mengganggu jam toilet training.

Besok belum tentu seberhasil hari ini. Tapi udah sampai di titik ini pun, aku bersyukur banget dan bangga banget sama dia. Bangga sama tubuh gembrotku yang mau semangat. Bangga sama metode ngawurku yang agaknya cuma bisa diterapkan di anakku ini.

• tanpa celana TT, langsung CD

• pakai alarm pikachu yang pengaturan jamnya aku kira-kira sendiri

• boci aman tanpa bocyor

• so far masih ngepel aja, belom sampe ke sprei

• days dulu, nights entaran aja kalau days udah lulus

TT kayaknya part tersusah dalam ngurus bayi. Tapi mending ini daripada ngtraining new remote employee. Hehe. Nggak ada yang instan. Pun dengan quotes "nikmati prosesnya" juga tak semudah itu. Dijalani, disyukuri, diusahakan. Biar tiap progressnya tuh: 📈.

"Uma senang nggak kalau adik bisa pipis di kamar mandi?"

"Uma senang nggak kalau adik makan banyak?"

"Uma jangan sedih ya Uma"

Ah, my sweet baby. Sudah punya rasa iba. Terimakasih ya, Nak. Uma bangga sekali.

Do everything karena Allah.

Do everything untuk kebaikan adik sendiri.

Tapi kalau you do it karena untuk bikin Uma happy, thank you so much, Nak. (Asal halal & thoyyib ya Nak)

However, I'm an easy easy easy like Sunday morning. Jadi ya, no rush deadline. Santai aja yang penting menang lebih baik lawan diri sendiri bukan menang lebih baik lawan sebayanya. Manusia nggak bisa di-teori-kan. We're all dynamic unique human beings yang Allah ciptakan sesempurna itu🤍

Semangat sayangku TTnya. Kita sama-sama belajar ya, Nak.

[smollilbaby]

CINTA

Cinta? Cinta itu buta. Cinta itu adalah perasaan yang lebih mendalam dari sayang. Cinta itu cuma hanya satu. Macam orang cakap, sayang biar ramai, tapi cinta hanya seorang. Actually tak ramai cakap, i je yg cakap macam tu. Tapi you pernah dengar tu, then i copyright dulu HAHAH

Sayang? Sayang itu perasaan yang tidak boleh diundur setelah bermula. Its like, when you start falling for someone, you'll always end up falling more and more even tho they've caught you in their arms. And me? I've fall for you. I've fallen in love with you for 4 months now, coming to 5th this month. Im so grateful and blessed that i've fall for you, again and again. You know, love will always have their ways to get it back and here i am, always trying to get you back. I confidently felt that i know you're going to be mine again. Tapi orang kata, expect the disappointment so you wont be hurt as much. I've always been expecting a disappointment but at the same time, i've been very hopeful about us.

You know mylove, my love for you are getting stronger and stronger each day and i just love how we are right now. I could never get tired of you like i couldnt even do that. Its been months since we talked, we meet and fall in love, and honestly you're the best thing that ever happened in my life. I feel so so much happier with my life and you. You've been so amazing, you took care of me, you really treats me like how i wanted to be treated. Im just so happy. You're my happiness, baby! I really, really, really loves you so much! No words baby, no words could describe how much i loves you. You dont know how in love i am right now, with you. You is what i need in life. You're everything to me, sayang. Little did you know, that i've always been missing you. Be it when im busy with work or when i wakes up or when im about to go to sleep, you're all that i could ever think of.

My life has been about you ever since. My life has ben so colourful. My life has been a total amazing with you inside it. I knew you're the one. I knew it from the day i met you in 5 years. You've been a loving partner, a sweetheart and literally you're everything. I could never, never imagine my life without you. I really couldnt ask for more baby, you're more than enough, abby! Please know that i really do appreciates you, and all the little things you did for me and for us. Little things really matters to me and you matters.

I love you so much, sayang! And i've been wanting to say this to someone i really loves cause honestly, i only said it when im really in love with the right person. Sayang, I sayangkan you sangat-sangat. You're the love of my life, you're everything to me. And with that, i nak cakap yang i,

I cintakan you.

From the bottom of my heart, you're the one and have always been the one. Im going to keep this precious little princess with me at all times.

#somuchloves #sayang #cinta #theone

[vicikica]

🎵Put your head on my shoulder Whisper in my ear, baby Words I want to hear, tell me Tell me that you love me too..🎵

Its hard to explain what its like to be loved by the right person, but there's one word that fits that feeling "beautiful."

🎵Put your lips next to mine, dear Won't you kiss me once, baby? Just a kiss goodnight, maybe You and I will fall in love🎵

Aku memang sedikit annoying, dan kurang romantis, tapi kamu tau betapa aku mencintai mu

Ya, memang aku annoying, tapi terkadang hal ini juga sering menghibur mu, kan?

Ngga mudah memang kita bisa selama ini, terkadang kita sulit memahami, tapi kita selalu belajar untuk saling mengerti

Cara aku support kamu dengan cara yang ngga biasa, atau cara kamu yang support aku dengan chat yang berubah jadi cerpen itu bener bener penyemangat yang paling ampuh loh

Kita memang selalu ada konflik, tapi pada akhirnya kita pula yang menyelesaikan konflik itu bersama.

if she means to be with you she stay. knowing the fact that people come and go, i chose to be a lover for her.

I dedicate this song to my girlfriend, we've been in love for 6 years. tentu bukan hal yang mudah untuk beberapa tahun ini.....

.........

........

#couple #Spotify