#IDK WHO WROTE THIS BUT IT CERTAINLY COULDNT HAVE BEEN ME WHAT THE FUCK

[ghost-proofbaby]

i’ve said it once, i’ve said it twice, i’ll say it a million times — writing willow and eddie will always feel like coming home to me. i know eddie x oc isn’t popular but- god, these idiots are so near and dear to my heart.

#i had to reread chapter 21 of shire for the scene i’m writing and i just #they were just babies #their early interactions will always get to me #eddie making jokes about sacrificing people in the woods?? subtly trying to remind willow of his reputation?? #willow not even so much as flinching and going on to show just how comfortable she had grown so quickly with him???? #the way she trusted him so ardently??? #the way he always saw bravery in her and had unwavering faith in her?? #god #sometimes when i reread it i can’t fathom that *I* wrote this shit #the metaphor of her running right into the water being her running right into the relationship with eddie??? #IDK WHO WROTE THIS BUT IT CERTAINLY COULDNT HAVE BEEN ME WHAT THE FUCK #ITD BE AN HONOR MISS JENKINS WHAT THE FUCK #THEIR ALMOST KISS WAAAHHH #‘don’t die on me’ hehehehe #aw no it’d be a shame if he ever had to say that in a serious context #psh no it wasn’t foreshadowing on my part ever who would do that #a monster that’s who #wow those of you that read my tags are gonna have a fuckin field day my bad #mordor #hailey shut up #hailey talks too much

[midnightmoonkiss]

I wanna come home from work and wake up Izuku by eating his ass. He's so surprised by it he is instantly squealing. Delish 🤤

OH GOD ANON THATS MY SHIT

I love ass eating oh my fucking god oh my shit.

Hnn.

you happened to find my favorite thing ever and i accidentally wrote a fic of sorts, my bad.

Izuku X Reader: Welcome Home.

WARNINGS!: ass eating, partial somnophilia ? handjob.

Word count: idk

Category: smut

Just to clarify: you’re both adults and live together

A/N: im tired but determined pls lov me

he’s just.. taking a nap on the couch, in nothing but an oversized sweater, fuzzy socks, and boxers.

it was his first day off after two weeks and weekends of working full time.

he was exhausted, and clearly fell asleep waiting for you to get home.

he was so cute. his messy green curls tickling at his rosey cheeks, body relaxed on the couch and muscular thighs and plump ass peaking out from beneath his shirt.

the TV droned on in the background, clearly he fell asleep to some sort of baking show. they always seemed to lull him to sleep. perhaps it was the food aspect of it?

regardless, you couldnt help but notice how.. good your dearest boyfriend looked in those boxers, how they hugged his ass just right. you could see the well defined shapes of each cheek, and you began staring longingly at it as work exhaustion took over you.

he’d make such a nice pillow.

with that thought, you promptly drop your bags, kicking off your shoes and slowly stripping yourself down to your under shirt and underwear, immediately crawling over his long, sock clad legs just to rest your cheek against his soft ass.

breathing for a moment, you lovingly  rubbed your cheek against the soft flesh, amazed at the smooth, cotton material.

but of course, you could only preform such a task for so long before your cheek began to burn. and so, here you are, casually pulling down your sleeping boyfriends underwear over his ass just so your cheek could find a smoother surface to rest upon

and thats when you noticed it, a small little hickie you had forgotten you left there the night before. your thumb idly traced over it, smile pulling at your lips as you recalled last night.

it certainly was a wild ride, you couldntly help but rub your thighs together as his wanton moans bounced around your head, fresh as a daisy.

was it so wrong to.. touch him more like this?

you chewed at your lip as your hands rested on both of his cheeks, idly rubbing and squeezing them. you froze the minute he stirred, eyes snapping up to stare at his peacefully asleep face.

you were still safe..

good.

but you should have known you were already treading down a dangerous path, hell, you did know. but you couldnt help it. it was almost as if you moved on instinct as you spread his cheeks ever so slightly- a shutter gasp blew past your lips at noticing how glossy his cute hole was.

had he been playing with himself while you were away, desperate for your touch but unable to wait any longer?

well. it did make sense. he had been pent up lately, but he was far too tired to cum more than once last night before passing out. it made sense, truly.

but nonetheless,

your ever wandering thumb traced around his glossy, reddened rim, darkening (E/C) eyes watching in fascination as it twitched,

he was too delicious to ignore. who’s to say you couldnt kill two birds with one stone? you getting a snack, and Izuku getting what he oh-so craved.

tying your hair up, you leaned down without hesitation, fingers massaging his soft flesh to give you access as you sat between his spread legs, lips pressing a gentle kiss to his hole just to watch his broad shoulders twitch.

your wet tongue poke out, you licked a long stripe from his delicate taint to his clenching rim, a breathy moan pouring from his spit-slick lips as he drooled on the couch cushion.. he was so cute, even when he was asleep.

it was hard not to dive in right away, especially when that delectable taste of artificial strawberries hit your tongue the more you lapped at him.

even when his ass twitched, you didnt bother to look up, preoccupied with your tongue continuously licking his sensitive hole, tracing along it and even possessively writing out your name with the tip of your pink muscle as his thighs shake beside you and his moans grew louder.

suddenly, a squeal made your eyes flutter open, wide green eyes looking back at you with shock and astonishment, “(Y-Y/N)..? A-ah..! Wha! ahhah!” he’d try to ask, his own moans cutting him off each time as his fingers clung to the couch, subconsciously curling up his body to push his ass farther into the air to give you a better angle.

“oh!” he cries out, your tongue pushing into his still sensitive ass, it previously being abused by his favorite dildo not too long ago.

he couldnt help it. he missed you so much..!

“M-Mo-re..! ah! hahh...!” his tongue flopped out his mouth as he panted like a tongue, cheeks burning and sweat dotting at his forehead as his hips began to rock back on your tongue relentlessly thrusting in and out of him.

you quickly pulled away, tongue connected to him for a mere moment by a string of saliva, “what’d you say, brat?” seething through your teeth, your fingers gripped at his taut flesh harshly. He whined pathetically, hips rolling back in a desperate search for your addicting mouth, 

“I-I’m sorry..! Ahh.. pl-please give me more! Please! I-I need yo-you so bead, honey..! I..! I can’t take it, I- ahhh! o-oh god!”

his head flew back as your tongue returned, along with your hand reaching into his boxers just to harshly pump his throbbing cock soaked with pre-cum.

how could you not give to your baby when he pleaded so nicely?

wet squelches filled the room, paired with your lovers pornographic moans and pleads. it truly was music to your ears.

his hips thrusted into the tight tunnel your soft hand created, cries pouring from his lips as tears of pleasure rolled down his firey cheeks.

he wa so close.

so close.

s-so close.!

“a-ah..! i’m! ahh! (Y-Y/N) I-’m g-gonna..! ahhah! nngh! o-oh s-so g..goOD! ahh! Ahh~!”

you couldnt help but smile against him, squeezing and twisting your hand up his shaft fast as if to signal he could cum.

and he immedietly did, back arching to the point it looked uncomfortable, ass pressing against your fave, tongue shoving deeper into his hole as his hips stilled, thick, pearly white cum shooting out his flushed cock and staining the blue blanket beneath he previously rested upon white. even as his body slumped against the couch, your tongue continued to lap at his abused hole, hands holding his wiggling hips in place as he whined.

one final kiss and you pulled away, giving your boyfriend the chance to lay his body properly down onto the couch.

Licking your lips clear of the addicting strawberry flavoring, you stared down at his blissed out face, a small smile upon his lips.

“W-Welcome.. home..” he breathed out.

#ndjenfnrn #i got cARRIED AWAY IM SORRY #deku x reader #n/sfw #izuku midoriya x you #izuku midoriya x reader #deku x you #izuku x you #izuku x reader #bnha x reader #mha x reader #my hero academia x reader #midoriya izuku x you #midoriya izuku x reader #midoriya x reader #ndbdjajhsnennfne #peppermint fizz #?? #lol

[aislinstarkofasgard]

What about the good guy?

Peter Parker x Reader x (Readers Dad) Tony Stark

(Don’t ask me how many words idk I just wrote)

(Readers POV)

I was sitting in the living quarters of avengers tower as my aunts and uncles rolled in from a what I’ve been told was a painful mission. I wasn’t ever allowed to go on missions because my dad was over protective. You’d think he would be happy to fight along side his little girl actually being able to watch her? But no he doesn’t. And I wasn’t even supposed to call the avengers aunt or uncle because dad thinks it’s degrading to our name and he gets weirded out by why i would even want to be hypothetically related to any of them.

Anyway everyone was rolling in from the mission and they are keeping Loki at avengers tower until Thor can take him and himself back to Asgard. The way papa always talked about Loki I always imagined this awful sludge like intergalactic villainous creep with a razor smile and cold piercing eyes.

Well the cold part was right and I was sipping a bottle of water as I saw my uncle Thor walk in with whom I assume was Loki. I don’t even think I blinked after they walked in because he was FAR from what I thought he was going to look like. BETTER than what I thought he’d look like.

I was pulled away from my staring by an agitated peter snapping in my face. “(Y/n)?? (Y/N)!!” I shook my head a little bit before looking at him. He didn’t look mad but he looked hurt and agitated. “What’s wro-“ I started to ask but forgot the water in my mouth. Now I was agitated and went to go change into dry clothes leaving an agitated peter on the couch.

(Peter’s POV)

I watched as she left from the room to change out of her now soaked clothes and I swear that asgardian villain smirked at me. She knows who that is right? That she can’t be with him right her dad would kill her. She wouldn’t be. She COULDNT be interested in Loki right? I take another glance at Loki, the way he was dressed, the way he walked, the way he looked. He’s got the bad boy vibe written all over him. He’s a villain so of course that would be the case. But maybe that’s (y/n’s) type.. I know for sure I’m not her type. I mean I work for her dad for God’s sake!! THE Tony Stark! I’m spider man I work for iron man I stress about my school grades and am at Tony’s beckon call and I’m just.. a good guy.. she’ll never be interested in me until something about me changes..

(Tony’s POV)

I was standing in the kitchen with Steve Bruce and Thor at maybe one in the morning. I was sipping some alcohol... give me some slack I’ve cut back.

Steve stares at his glass of water and smiles before looking up at us “you know? I really think this girl is the one”

Bruce raises an eyebrow “Naomi?”

Thor grins “the street girl!”

Sometimes I worry about Thor and the way he says things...

I decided to speak up “well while that’s all grandy dandy cap I really don’t feel it’s such a good idea to start courting a girl you got off the great streets of New York,”

“Give him a break tony,” Bruce said and then moved to whisper in my ear “I’m just happy he’s not dwelling on lost time,” I gave a “alright” shrug. I was entitled to my opinion and I had a right to state said opinion so I did.

All of a sudden cap starts to snicker and based on our very recent conversation I don’t think there was any comical matter, Bruce pinches the bridge of his nose so I turn around and there’s peter fucking Parker sneaking past the kitchen to who knows where to dressed in all black, chains on every part of his clothes he could think to attach chains to and just.. wow

“Peter what the hell?” I said very confused furrowing my brows. “Hey old man”

Steve bursts out into cackles and I get angry “excuse me I’m not old! And that is mr.stark to you kid!”

He rolls his eyes and man when my girl does that it makes me soooo mad. I grab him by his upper arm and drag him to my lab.

“You best start a damn good explanation in the next ten seconds!” I sneered and gave him my danger dad voice.

“Well uh.. y-you can’t get mad s-sir..” there it is. Good regular peter Parker.

“You have FIVE seconds.”

“I like your daughter! And I saw her staring at Loki and so I thought maybe her types bad boys an I’m such a good guy she wouldn’t like me so i decided to be a bad boy but you found out and you weren’t supposed to and I’m really sorry I called you old man please don’t fire me..”

I blinked taking a moment to process what he said. I pinched the bridge of my nose and took a deep breath.

“Okay... is first of all don’t worry about my daughter that’s a no no we don’t do that. We don’t touch that. That’s off limits. So there’s the dad part out of the way. But even if my daughters type was a bad boy which it MOST CERTAINLY IS NOT she’s not dumb. She knows better, over my dead body in a fiery battle over the population of the earth against an intergalactic dictator. but even if that WERE the case you should not compromise who you are for my daughter. If she does have interest in you I know she’d like Spider-Man, not.. goth boy... understand?”

The kid smiled and said “yeah, thanks mister stark!”

“Yeah whatever get out before I decide to fire you.” The kid then scurried our while trying to simultaneously pull off the black jacket he has on. I shook my head before sitting down.

Looks like I’m going to have a chat with that daughter of mine about why Loki is WAY off limits.

~ A.B

#peter parker #tony stark #iron man #spiderman #avengers #marvel #infinity war #dad #dad tony #jealous peter #fanfiction #x reader #dad tony x reader #peter x reader

[eggdotjpeg]

OKAY SO I FINALLY FINSIHED CHAPTER TWO WHO AM I?

um i feel like this chap is more shit than the last one but i meannnnnnn

once again, idk when the next chap is gonna be up depends how i feel

um yeah i wrote from the new character to the end just now and ive had a headache for the past 5 days im fine but ik its shit??? deal with it??? okay chapters below the cut fuckers

The Five Fingers

We’ve Only Got 5 Minutes Until Our Show’s on

 The three friends had been sitting there watching the blank screen for five minutes. A lot of other people had come in, including a bunch of meddlesome teenagers. They were joshing around throwing popcorn at each other. With every piece thrown, Jeremy got more and more agitated, until he finally shister snapped.

“HEY, STOP MUCKING ABOUT, THE MOVIES ABOUT TO START”

The teenagers started snickering at that remark, and one of them muttered “old man”

Then Jeremy flipped his shit. “WELL IF IM SUCH AN OLD MAN THEN YOU SHOULD RESPECT THE ELDERLY AND GO SIT IN A CORNER AND THINK OF WHAT YOURE DOING WITH YOUR LIFE. YANNO, MAYBE DO MORE THEN CREATE A MESS AND BE FUCKING WORTHLESS.”

Well that certainly seemed to shut them up.

The one who whispered old man started crying and they all went to the corner of the cinema to cry like fucking babies (I mean, what a mood lmao).

“That seemed to do it, and a bit more,” said a mortified Marjory.

“As long as they cry silently, I’ve not no problem,” Jeremy replied enthusiastically.

“Shhh, its starting,” said Hubert.

The movie starting by spitting some straight facts about bees. It said that they defied science and said fuck you to humans. Seemed interesting.

 The movie ended and everyone was buzzing with excitement. They decided they’d get some post movie food, and they settled on Indian.

They walked to the nearest restaurant, and asked for a table for 4.

“I’m sorry, we don’t have any free tables, but we have a customer at a table for 6 that’s willing to share with you if you want?” said the waiter.

“That’s cool with us! Show us the table waity boi!” exclaimed Hubert

The waiter gave him a weird look, but led them to the table regardless.

Milford was looking around eagerly in hopes of seeing the stranger they would be sitting with.

“Here we are! Feel free to ask if you need anything!”

“Cool! Thank you so much!” said Jeremy

The waiter just smiled in response, before leaving.

Hubert looked around him to see how everyone was feeling. Marjory was looking at the stranger with caring and interested eyes, she always was the mum of the group.

Milford was looking at the stranger very excitedly, this fuck never seems to calm down for one second.

Jeremy seemed uninterested, wait, he’s on his phone. Again. Why do we bother bringing him places again? (is Jeremy a mood? Yeah you know it lads)

Hubert looked at the stranger. He couldn’t help but notice that he seemed nervous.

“So, what’s your name?” Hubert asked the stranger.

“Uhh, my name is Shrignold,” the stranger replied

‘HI SHRIGNOLD IM MILFORD AND THESE ARE MY FRIE-“ yelled Milford, earning a slap on the wrist from Marjory

“Hi dear, sorry about Milford, he can be a bit... excited sometimes. I’m Marjory, and this is Jeremy and Hubert,” said Marjory, indicating towards the correct specimens.

“LETS GET SOME PIZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!” And of fucking course its Milford cause he’s an absolute M A D  L A D.

“HI WELCOME TO CHILI’S,” and oh looky it’s the waiter.

“YES PIZZA PLEASE NO ADDED HORMONES FROM COLES,” its Jeremy again wOah.

Marjory just stared between the two with disappointment in her eyes.

“YES HERES PIZZA JUST FOR YOU HEHE,” oh here comes the chef broom vroom.

Everyone stared at the pizza for about 4 minutes including the chef.

“HON HON PIZZA,” exclaimed the chef before they left.

“nice.” Said Hubert

“Lets eat!” Marjory exclaimed

Everyone grabbed a piece of pizza. Everyone except Shrignold.

“Whats wrong Shrignold?” Asked Hubert

“Have detachable fingers… but just one, see?” Shrignold then went to pick up a piece of pizza, only to find that his finger fell off.

Everyone stared at T H E F I N G E R as it lay on the table.

“That’s okay Shriggy! Here, we can all take off a finger to help you!” suggested Jeremy

“You would do that? For me?”

“Anything for you sweet pea,” said Marjory lovingly

Hubert took a pocket knife out of his (wait for it) pocket and proceeded to chop off everyone fingers. Except Shrignold’s of course.

Milford pulled a glass jar out of his inner jacket pocket and picked up everyone’s fingers and put them in the glass jar.

“I HAVE AN IDEA FOR A NAME FOR OUT SQUAD. HOW ABOUT… THE FIVE FINGERS (omg its like it was planned dsfnjksdbvjadbv)!!!!!” screamed Milford because seriously who else?

#the five fingers #weve only got 5 minutes until our shows on #jaz writes

[apsbicepstraining]

Real Homemakers Of New Jersey Recap: Returning HGTV A Run For Their Money

Another weekend get, another occurrence of. Maybe thats why I dislike on this show so much It represents my ass having to wake up and go to work. Or maybe its because no ones hollered prostitution whore or been indicted of any misdemeanours this season. They really did give the bar a bit high-pitched. But whatever. This is what weve went. At least it got more exciting last week. Preserve it up, Jerseyans. And yes, thats what theyre called. I Googled it.

We kick shit off at Dolores house and continues to be revamping. I feel like this is going to be a season-long happening. D goes pissed because Frank decided to merely resurface the cabinets instead of gutting the whole kitchen. Why tf does your ex husband get a say in this? This is your fucking house. Your relationship, I guess.

D and Siggy head to Jacquelines house and Im gambling my resources of the fund theyre gonna talk about the semi-fight that went down between her and Tre last chapter. Disturbance of the fucking centuryIm right. What else is new?

Jacqueline rehashes the whole oppose in a singer thats almost as exasperating as Teresas, which is mind-blowing in and of itself. Bravo starts doing that act where they proceed from backward and forward between the families and between this and the shrieking expression and my glass of Whispering Angel, I find a migraine coming on. Thanks, Andy Cohen. Melissa is telling her caveman spouse that Jacqueline was out of path for trying to pit him against his own sister, and I agree. So theyre gonna get lunch to discuss.

Over at Teresas, shes still doing yoga. We fucking get wise already. Youre fit and Zen post-lockup. Side memorandum: Are those cheetah print sheets on their ruler couch? Jesus fucking Christ. I say this every episode but the Jersey-ness is reaching me nauseated. Back to the chapter Its a big day at the Giudice house. Tre gets to take her ankle bracelet off. Mazel tov! I couldnt relate to these beings less if I tried.

Its time for Jacqueline and Melissas lunch. Obstruct the drama coming. They dive right into it. I entail damn. Jacqueline is like screaming in this restaurant rn.

Jacqueline: I dont got to go to you to talk to your partner. Ima go straight to the source. Ive done so much for your family!

Have you? I dont really recollect, tbh. But thats not resounding any bells. Melissas exactly kinda like what-the fuck-ever. And thats all. Seemed real abrupt if you ask me, but this ros might be getting to my head.

I can tell were going to Siggys house because theres some Jewish marry music playing after a commercial shatter and Sigs is the only non-Italian Jew on this display. Subtle, Bravo. Sigs house is immaculate. Not even a hint of leopard. Can we just movie all of the incidents here instead of the rest of these gaudy-ass rooms? Her mothers been demonstrated and start talking about their heritage and Siggys bratty children. Ugh I forgot about them. The hires intimate Jewish traditions to deliver their own families back together. Its worth a shot I suppose.

At Jacquelines, Ashlee and her boyfriend are over for dinner. They talk about living together and the convo returns to marriage and pregnancy so naturally BF looks like hes about to fucking shaft. Jacqueline attracts him aside like its an episode of The Bachelor. He wants to take Jacqueline to help him pick out an engagement resound, which is sweet. Im glad Ashlee went her shit together. It was touch and go there for a bit while. You did it!

Melissa and Joe Gorga head to Tres for dinner. Teresa says she wants an edamamelike, one singular edamame? Returns out, she intends an enema. LOL. Words are hard. Theyre there for about two fucking seconds before we start talking back the Teresa and Jacqueline argument. Goddamn, yall are some petty bitches. Move on. It wasnt even a big deal. There are much bigger things to worry about. Such as going to prison and shit.

Meanwhile, Dolores is still renovating her home. Since when did this become HGTV? Frank shows up, and I feel like D hangs out with her ex a lot more than whats ordinary. I get it. They have minors. But like, does he have a fucking dwelling? Hes literally always there. But fine. Dolores wants to knock cold a wall, which, after hours of watching this afternoon, I fully support. It certainly opens up the room. Frank tones a bitch fit for a sec because thats gonna get expensive, but then caves. That a path, D.

Siggy took her parents advice and emcees Kiddish at her house in is making an effort to constitute her kids less asshole-y. Ive got high hopes, but low-toned expectations.

Zen Tre ends shes also Dr. Tre and hosts a care conference where everyone in the fam writes down their love. This ought to be good. I cant imagine Joe is too good with texts, but I dont wanna stereotype. It backfires when Milania puts her parents on blast.

Milania : I dont like it when my dad announces me fat, specially since hes fat af too. Mom doesnt get me. She never listens to me because shes ever on her phone.

Damn. Parents of the fucking time over here. Youd conclude after being away from your girls for a year, youd wanna coldnes with them. But like, I bet you missed Twitter very, so I get it. Gia pretty much says the same shit, except “shes been” tells her mama she overreacts, to which, Teresa shockingly overreacts.

Were back at Siggys and, despite Kiddish, her girls are still little shits. Cast them down to Georgia, Sigs. An hour with my grandparents and theyll be fucking angels.

Its Milanias bday so in true Jersey fashion, they get a pink Hummer limo. They go to this residence announced iFly where gust gusts acquire you pilot or something. Idk. I dont enjoy any kind of physical pleasure besides wine tastings, so it consider this to be my worst fucking nightmare, but the girls look like theyre having fun. Teresas phone is nowhere in sight, for the record.

Jacqueline and BF travel echoing store and have a really emotional discussion. Couldnt yall have done this in the car on the way over instead of in the actual accumulate? No? Okay. We get a montage to seeing how cruel Ashlee was as a teen. Ahhh, the very best ole days.

Were back at iFly, and Milania is talking about her 11 th bday and Joe starts to rip up because he wont be there. This actually realizes me so sad. I mean, hes supposed to be in prison for like four years. Thats a long fucking time when you have young children. Damn it. Im hollering again. Is it precisely me or is this franchise way sadder than the other Housewives?

But why stop there? Makes check in on Dolores croaking puppy while were at it. Bethenny must be free to get in with the Jersey ladies so I can chuckle a little. We gotta lighten this shit up. Lastly the sadness discontinues because Sigs and Jacqueline come over to do some demo. Its probs a good way for them to get out some of that Jersey anger. D gets a entitle from Maz, whos still pissed because she is still not going to work at their piece of shit gym. I dont think she gets how positions extend, but what do I know?

Melissa and Tre are having some tea and is about to change Sigs, D, and Melissa have been scheduling a girls weekend. Fuck. Yes. Girls weekends= wine-coloured and arguings. Teresas on the fence but not really because shes contractually obliged to go to this shit so she agrees. Whats the over/ under on how many times well ensure Teresa doing downward bird-dog and other fitness shit this trip-up?

The next day, Teresa goes her book in the mail. She speaks the dedication she wrote to her daughters while lying on her leopard membranes. We get it, Tre. You love your daughters. Just not as much as your phone.

Her and Joe then start talking about the disagreement with Jacqueline again, and would you look at that? My bottle of wine-coloured is drain right as the escapade objective. Until next week

div.body_middle_part_right. bodypart: nth-child( n +2 ), a.prevBody exhibition: none ;

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[apsbicepstraining]

Real Homemakers Of New Jersey Recap: Returning HGTV A Run For Their Money

Another weekend get, another occurrence of. Maybe thats why I dislike on this show so much It represents my ass having to wake up and go to work. Or maybe its because no ones hollered prostitution whore or been indicted of any misdemeanours this season. They really did give the bar a bit high-pitched. But whatever. This is what weve went. At least it got more exciting last week. Preserve it up, Jerseyans. And yes, thats what theyre called. I Googled it.

We kick shit off at Dolores house and continues to be revamping. I feel like this is going to be a season-long happening. D goes pissed because Frank decided to merely resurface the cabinets instead of gutting the whole kitchen. Why tf does your ex husband get a say in this? This is your fucking house. Your relationship, I guess.

D and Siggy head to Jacquelines house and Im gambling my resources of the fund theyre gonna talk about the semi-fight that went down between her and Tre last chapter. Disturbance of the fucking centuryIm right. What else is new?

Jacqueline rehashes the whole oppose in a singer thats almost as exasperating as Teresas, which is mind-blowing in and of itself. Bravo starts doing that act where they proceed from backward and forward between the families and between this and the shrieking expression and my glass of Whispering Angel, I find a migraine coming on. Thanks, Andy Cohen. Melissa is telling her caveman spouse that Jacqueline was out of path for trying to pit him against his own sister, and I agree. So theyre gonna get lunch to discuss.

Over at Teresas, shes still doing yoga. We fucking get wise already. Youre fit and Zen post-lockup. Side memorandum: Are those cheetah print sheets on their ruler couch? Jesus fucking Christ. I say this every episode but the Jersey-ness is reaching me nauseated. Back to the chapter Its a big day at the Giudice house. Tre gets to take her ankle bracelet off. Mazel tov! I couldnt relate to these beings less if I tried.

Its time for Jacqueline and Melissas lunch. Obstruct the drama coming. They dive right into it. I entail damn. Jacqueline is like screaming in this restaurant rn.

Jacqueline: I dont got to go to you to talk to your partner. Ima go straight to the source. Ive done so much for your family!

Have you? I dont really recollect, tbh. But thats not resounding any bells. Melissas exactly kinda like what-the fuck-ever. And thats all. Seemed real abrupt if you ask me, but this ros might be getting to my head.

I can tell were going to Siggys house because theres some Jewish marry music playing after a commercial shatter and Sigs is the only non-Italian Jew on this display. Subtle, Bravo. Sigs house is immaculate. Not even a hint of leopard. Can we just movie all of the incidents here instead of the rest of these gaudy-ass rooms? Her mothers been demonstrated and start talking about their heritage and Siggys bratty children. Ugh I forgot about them. The hires intimate Jewish traditions to deliver their own families back together. Its worth a shot I suppose.

At Jacquelines, Ashlee and her boyfriend are over for dinner. They talk about living together and the convo returns to marriage and pregnancy so naturally BF looks like hes about to fucking shaft. Jacqueline attracts him aside like its an episode of The Bachelor. He wants to take Jacqueline to help him pick out an engagement resound, which is sweet. Im glad Ashlee went her shit together. It was touch and go there for a bit while. You did it!

Melissa and Joe Gorga head to Tres for dinner. Teresa says she wants an edamamelike, one singular edamame? Returns out, she intends an enema. LOL. Words are hard. Theyre there for about two fucking seconds before we start talking back the Teresa and Jacqueline argument. Goddamn, yall are some petty bitches. Move on. It wasnt even a big deal. There are much bigger things to worry about. Such as going to prison and shit.

Meanwhile, Dolores is still renovating her home. Since when did this become HGTV? Frank shows up, and I feel like D hangs out with her ex a lot more than whats ordinary. I get it. They have minors. But like, does he have a fucking dwelling? Hes literally always there. But fine. Dolores wants to knock cold a wall, which, after hours of watching this afternoon, I fully support. It certainly opens up the room. Frank tones a bitch fit for a sec because thats gonna get expensive, but then caves. That a path, D.

Siggy took her parents advice and emcees Kiddish at her house in is making an effort to constitute her kids less asshole-y. Ive got high hopes, but low-toned expectations.

Zen Tre ends shes also Dr. Tre and hosts a care conference where everyone in the fam writes down their love. This ought to be good. I cant imagine Joe is too good with texts, but I dont wanna stereotype. It backfires when Milania puts her parents on blast.

Milania : I dont like it when my dad announces me fat, specially since hes fat af too. Mom doesnt get me. She never listens to me because shes ever on her phone.

Damn. Parents of the fucking time over here. Youd conclude after being away from your girls for a year, youd wanna coldnes with them. But like, I bet you missed Twitter very, so I get it. Gia pretty much says the same shit, except “shes been” tells her mama she overreacts, to which, Teresa shockingly overreacts.

Were back at Siggys and, despite Kiddish, her girls are still little shits. Cast them down to Georgia, Sigs. An hour with my grandparents and theyll be fucking angels.

Its Milanias bday so in true Jersey fashion, they get a pink Hummer limo. They go to this residence announced iFly where gust gusts acquire you pilot or something. Idk. I dont enjoy any kind of physical pleasure besides wine tastings, so it consider this to be my worst fucking nightmare, but the girls look like theyre having fun. Teresas phone is nowhere in sight, for the record.

Jacqueline and BF travel echoing store and have a really emotional discussion. Couldnt yall have done this in the car on the way over instead of in the actual accumulate? No? Okay. We get a montage to seeing how cruel Ashlee was as a teen. Ahhh, the very best ole days.

Were back at iFly, and Milania is talking about her 11 th bday and Joe starts to rip up because he wont be there. This actually realizes me so sad. I mean, hes supposed to be in prison for like four years. Thats a long fucking time when you have young children. Damn it. Im hollering again. Is it precisely me or is this franchise way sadder than the other Housewives?

But why stop there? Makes check in on Dolores croaking puppy while were at it. Bethenny must be free to get in with the Jersey ladies so I can chuckle a little. We gotta lighten this shit up. Lastly the sadness discontinues because Sigs and Jacqueline come over to do some demo. Its probs a good way for them to get out some of that Jersey anger. D gets a entitle from Maz, whos still pissed because she is still not going to work at their piece of shit gym. I dont think she gets how positions extend, but what do I know?

Melissa and Tre are having some tea and is about to change Sigs, D, and Melissa have been scheduling a girls weekend. Fuck. Yes. Girls weekends= wine-coloured and arguings. Teresas on the fence but not really because shes contractually obliged to go to this shit so she agrees. Whats the over/ under on how many times well ensure Teresa doing downward bird-dog and other fitness shit this trip-up?

The next day, Teresa goes her book in the mail. She speaks the dedication she wrote to her daughters while lying on her leopard membranes. We get it, Tre. You love your daughters. Just not as much as your phone.

Her and Joe then start talking about the disagreement with Jacqueline again, and would you look at that? My bottle of wine-coloured is drain right as the escapade objective. Until next week

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Real Homemakers Of New Jersey Recap: Returning HGTV A Run For Their Money

Another weekend get, another occurrence of. Maybe thats why I dislike on this show so much It represents my ass having to wake up and go to work. Or maybe its because no ones hollered prostitution whore or been indicted of any misdemeanours this season. They really did give the bar a bit high-pitched. But whatever. This is what weve went. At least it got more exciting last week. Preserve it up, Jerseyans. And yes, thats what theyre called. I Googled it.

We kick shit off at Dolores house and continues to be revamping. I feel like this is going to be a season-long happening. D goes pissed because Frank decided to merely resurface the cabinets instead of gutting the whole kitchen. Why tf does your ex husband get a say in this? This is your fucking house. Your relationship, I guess.

D and Siggy head to Jacquelines house and Im gambling my resources of the fund theyre gonna talk about the semi-fight that went down between her and Tre last chapter. Disturbance of the fucking centuryIm right. What else is new?

Jacqueline rehashes the whole oppose in a singer thats almost as exasperating as Teresas, which is mind-blowing in and of itself. Bravo starts doing that act where they proceed from backward and forward between the families and between this and the shrieking expression and my glass of Whispering Angel, I find a migraine coming on. Thanks, Andy Cohen. Melissa is telling her caveman spouse that Jacqueline was out of path for trying to pit him against his own sister, and I agree. So theyre gonna get lunch to discuss.

Over at Teresas, shes still doing yoga. We fucking get wise already. Youre fit and Zen post-lockup. Side memorandum: Are those cheetah print sheets on their ruler couch? Jesus fucking Christ. I say this every episode but the Jersey-ness is reaching me nauseated. Back to the chapter Its a big day at the Giudice house. Tre gets to take her ankle bracelet off. Mazel tov! I couldnt relate to these beings less if I tried.

Its time for Jacqueline and Melissas lunch. Obstruct the drama coming. They dive right into it. I entail damn. Jacqueline is like screaming in this restaurant rn.

Jacqueline: I dont got to go to you to talk to your partner. Ima go straight to the source. Ive done so much for your family!

Have you? I dont really recollect, tbh. But thats not resounding any bells. Melissas exactly kinda like what-the fuck-ever. And thats all. Seemed real abrupt if you ask me, but this ros might be getting to my head.

I can tell were going to Siggys house because theres some Jewish marry music playing after a commercial shatter and Sigs is the only non-Italian Jew on this display. Subtle, Bravo. Sigs house is immaculate. Not even a hint of leopard. Can we just movie all of the incidents here instead of the rest of these gaudy-ass rooms? Her mothers been demonstrated and start talking about their heritage and Siggys bratty children. Ugh I forgot about them. The hires intimate Jewish traditions to deliver their own families back together. Its worth a shot I suppose.

At Jacquelines, Ashlee and her boyfriend are over for dinner. They talk about living together and the convo returns to marriage and pregnancy so naturally BF looks like hes about to fucking shaft. Jacqueline attracts him aside like its an episode of The Bachelor. He wants to take Jacqueline to help him pick out an engagement resound, which is sweet. Im glad Ashlee went her shit together. It was touch and go there for a bit while. You did it!

Melissa and Joe Gorga head to Tres for dinner. Teresa says she wants an edamamelike, one singular edamame? Returns out, she intends an enema. LOL. Words are hard. Theyre there for about two fucking seconds before we start talking back the Teresa and Jacqueline argument. Goddamn, yall are some petty bitches. Move on. It wasnt even a big deal. There are much bigger things to worry about. Such as going to prison and shit.

Meanwhile, Dolores is still renovating her home. Since when did this become HGTV? Frank shows up, and I feel like D hangs out with her ex a lot more than whats ordinary. I get it. They have minors. But like, does he have a fucking dwelling? Hes literally always there. But fine. Dolores wants to knock cold a wall, which, after hours of watching this afternoon, I fully support. It certainly opens up the room. Frank tones a bitch fit for a sec because thats gonna get expensive, but then caves. That a path, D.

Siggy took her parents advice and emcees Kiddish at her house in is making an effort to constitute her kids less asshole-y. Ive got high hopes, but low-toned expectations.

Zen Tre ends shes also Dr. Tre and hosts a care conference where everyone in the fam writes down their love. This ought to be good. I cant imagine Joe is too good with texts, but I dont wanna stereotype. It backfires when Milania puts her parents on blast.

Milania : I dont like it when my dad announces me fat, specially since hes fat af too. Mom doesnt get me. She never listens to me because shes ever on her phone.

Damn. Parents of the fucking time over here. Youd conclude after being away from your girls for a year, youd wanna coldnes with them. But like, I bet you missed Twitter very, so I get it. Gia pretty much says the same shit, except “shes been” tells her mama she overreacts, to which, Teresa shockingly overreacts.

Were back at Siggys and, despite Kiddish, her girls are still little shits. Cast them down to Georgia, Sigs. An hour with my grandparents and theyll be fucking angels.

Its Milanias bday so in true Jersey fashion, they get a pink Hummer limo. They go to this residence announced iFly where gust gusts acquire you pilot or something. Idk. I dont enjoy any kind of physical pleasure besides wine tastings, so it consider this to be my worst fucking nightmare, but the girls look like theyre having fun. Teresas phone is nowhere in sight, for the record.

Jacqueline and BF travel echoing store and have a really emotional discussion. Couldnt yall have done this in the car on the way over instead of in the actual accumulate? No? Okay. We get a montage to seeing how cruel Ashlee was as a teen. Ahhh, the very best ole days.

Were back at iFly, and Milania is talking about her 11 th bday and Joe starts to rip up because he wont be there. This actually realizes me so sad. I mean, hes supposed to be in prison for like four years. Thats a long fucking time when you have young children. Damn it. Im hollering again. Is it precisely me or is this franchise way sadder than the other Housewives?

But why stop there? Makes check in on Dolores croaking puppy while were at it. Bethenny must be free to get in with the Jersey ladies so I can chuckle a little. We gotta lighten this shit up. Lastly the sadness discontinues because Sigs and Jacqueline come over to do some demo. Its probs a good way for them to get out some of that Jersey anger. D gets a entitle from Maz, whos still pissed because she is still not going to work at their piece of shit gym. I dont think she gets how positions extend, but what do I know?

Melissa and Tre are having some tea and is about to change Sigs, D, and Melissa have been scheduling a girls weekend. Fuck. Yes. Girls weekends= wine-coloured and arguings. Teresas on the fence but not really because shes contractually obliged to go to this shit so she agrees. Whats the over/ under on how many times well ensure Teresa doing downward bird-dog and other fitness shit this trip-up?

The next day, Teresa goes her book in the mail. She speaks the dedication she wrote to her daughters while lying on her leopard membranes. We get it, Tre. You love your daughters. Just not as much as your phone.

Her and Joe then start talking about the disagreement with Jacqueline again, and would you look at that? My bottle of wine-coloured is drain right as the escapade objective. Until next week

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