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lairofsentinel · 5 years

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that bi post is interesting- i guess i have a third pov tho. ive seen some people use bi in a "new" way, to mean stuff like "attracted to women and nb people", "to men and nb people" or "attracted to several genders but not necessarily all" and so on, but also to mean, yeah, pan. and ngl thats cool. i think bi's pretty much a neat catchall for multisexuals of all kind, a bit like how queer is a catchall for anyone not cis or straight, and historically bi even used to group ace people too.

i reread your tags three times and actually it seems that we agree- i guess im just tempted to say that while everyone agrees on the meaning of pan, some people however use it differently to reflect their experience better. but unlike most people i dont view it as a bad thing but way more as something great because people can talk about their experience without feeling bound by, well, limits and definitions and blah i guess ? and as a trans person i find this great and important, not transphobic

Hello there,

thank you for sharing your pov.

I mean, the “new” way sure has a lot to do with “in which country you live”. Here, where I live, people is not using bi-pan in any new different way. But I've seen/read certain strange uses online. [the funniest use and also the only one that annoyed me was, time ago, when some weird straight people started to say: “I'm bisexual, but I only like men/women”.... like... what? How that bisexuality works? XD, but anyway, I'm nobody to go as a gender/sexuality police. Pft, I can't even speak English properly in a discussion. xD]. Also, years ago, some weird people started to say that pansexuality included trans people, while bisexuality no, so they kind of enforced the concept that “bisexuality ” had a transphobic root in its own... which is stupid, since statistics shows that trans people has quite more chances to be in a relationship with a bi/pan partner than a gay/hetero one... so.... soooooo......really crazy the way people spread misinformation.

The meaning of the tags... well... it's long: I can't be anything else but chill about the enormous amount of words that LGBT community has crafted along these last years, because sure, we all want to have the exact right word for us, to condense all our complexity in a single word XD. But let's be honest, no way that would happen, ever. So, until people “discovered” [or more like accepted] that gender and sexuality are a spectrum and are more complex than 3 or 4 words, we developed a lot of words along the way, and made use of the same word with several different uses, making of this world a more complex one [because we are never satisfied with our own :P]. And I'm not even counting on the fact of those “re-appropriated” words that were a slur previously, back in time, such as queer. Those words are a whole lot of mess.

Two simple examples:

A friend of mine at work is a bisexual woman [happily married with her wife

Another case: I, for example, feel super weird with labels. I'm nb, I give a fuck to any word of any gender. But I live in a Spanish speaking country and.... the HELL with the strongly gendered languages... I keep jumping from masculine to feminine or using the “new” neutral forms with -e [that all puritans hate and fight me for that]. But still yet, I keep using the word gay [in English, because at least it's more neutral than any other], because for the world, I'm a gender that can't be hidden once I speak [you know, damn voice] and I kind of be attracted to people of the “same” gender that everyone attaches to me [I said it in that way, because I'm more like a demy-gay, but forget to use demisexual here, nobody knows shit XD]. So... the obvious, shortest way, and efficient way to get rid of that problem every time I have to deal with that [aka, some person asks me with a reasonable argument that doesnt make me to toss them away], it's the word gay. But again, not even that means what it usually means, in my case. But again, imagine explaining all this shit, all the time, every time someone asks me with good reasons?. No way, I'll get bored of all that jabber.

So, these 2 single examples are to explain that... well, LGBT identity words, today, are a mess. Especially if you start adding those trans-masculine and trans-feminine and a lot of extra adjectives.... to me it's more confusing to understand what that person truly is, but what it's clear with that is that such person has a complex identity that wants to be acknowledged. So, if I know this, and if it's relevant for some valid [aka non-creepy] reason, I would ask to understand exactly the shade they mean, so I can acknowledge them properly. Because every gender and sexuality is a mess by its own. We will never get one single word that can embrace it wholly. I know some lucky people got it, they are gay, and cis, or trans and hetero and they are super fine with that...and I'm happy for them, they don't need extra explanations for describe their genders and sexualities xD.

That's why my tags were like that. Pansexuality appeared some decades ago [it's a super young word], specially in countries that are not USA [which it is the country that everything usually revolts around, here in tumblr]. Pan is a super new word, that mostly young people would be more inclined to use. It's more meaningful for young people [maybe. This is not a must. More like an average estimation.]

It's like queer. The oldest LGBT people, with USA-background, will probably hate it to use it. They attached to that word a slur shade that pierced their lives, it's too harmful even to use as a re-appropriated word. Yet, young people love it. Specially people without usa-background. Some of them can't even fathom the hard history meaning behind it.

Well, queer word, outside the history, is a whole mess in its own XD. What does a person mean when they say that they are queer? Are they gay? Are they trans? Are they nb? . Nobody knows. And it's ok, the clear meaning in that word is “look, I'm not cis and/or hetero”. And that's the way it works. I like to use it sometimes too, now that it has been popularised in the South hemisphere thanks to the influences of Butler.

So, yeah, we agreed, anon. XDI tried to say the same as you in my messy tags. I wrote that because sometimes I find such a nerdrage about the **chastity** or the **purity** of languages with this mess of words, or the annoyance of people that don't know the 52 labels at our disposal to describe the LGBT experience. And I simply say that it's okay not to know all of that, and not to force or stress into picking one, because most probably, you will not get it completely explained in one single word, since words, despite being 52, are limited, and sexuality and gender is a whole mess with flavours, colours and shits, that—even worse—may change with time xD.

So... the most mature attitude I think someone can take about this mess is to relax about those labels, pick the ones they think fits better for them, and understand that everyone has their own gender/sexuality, and that label may not suffice, so, when it's relevant, it's ALWAYS important to speak honestly. Yeah, all this textwall could never enter into the tags. xD.

#sexuality #gender #bisexuality #pansexuality #asks

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diariesof-kg · 3 years

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A Soul in Love...

It’s so strange to reread my diaries, honestly I am shocked at the amount of emotions I had and emotions that were hidden. Within three months of meeting this person, I was head over heels. But I was a fool. I smile at the moment, but sad, because I didn’t see it coming....

10_22_20

“at the end of the tunnel, they say there is a lost light; a lost light to…”

It’s been awhile since I’ve written diary entries, although they were filled with sadness, pain, and anger. The white pages could not possibly fathom, how someone could take another breath while losing complete control. Accountability is allowing oneself to avoid creating excuses. I am more responsible than accountable. But through it, I am consciously aware at all times of my actions. I am currently reflecting. The last time I spoke to my best friend, I said something is terribly happening and she said, it’s that time of transitioning. It’s difficult to explain to people how chakras work, the universe, manifestation, life paths, etc. The spiritual awakening while I found my purpose and healing years ago. You just can’t have those conversations with those who are unaware who they are to begin with. That’s for another diary entry.

I found someone I really like. I think my mind, body and spirit is trying to catch up, because it’s less than ninety days and various amount of valid emotions have erupted. Months ago, I spoke to God and wrote what I needed in my life. I manifested into the universe, I even posted it all over my social sites. It sounded desperate as I reflect but, I believe at the moment, with the various amount of interactions I had with women, that I was ready to settle down. I’ve been single for five years. It was only fair to myself to want to love and care about someone and share moments with. And then I fell in love. I had to question the person, if it was okay to have these emotions and I felt like a complete idiot. Because I know my emotions and what I feel and never excuse or invalidate them. Therefore, why was I even questioning my own self. Perhaps the past was invading that innocent moment. Abuse, Abuse abuse!

Two years of therapy did absolutely nothing. Before dialing in about that, I am grateful for the person in my life. Lord knows I love women from Georgia, it’s something about them. I honestly hear the echoes of her voice, and feel her presence constantly. It’s the spiritual ties that …make me smile. It’s everything. It’s a beautiful feeling to feel loved and to love. Especially for my brother, not sure why that makes me cry every time. But it matters. It honestly does. Her soul is pure but yet on the path of healing that you want to follow. Her energy is warm and colorful, that engulfs you with love. Her smile is innocent yet welcoming. As Monica would say, you’re just right for me.

We had depth conversations about our pasts which honestly, I fall in love with. Only because I figured I desired substance. I could care less about a birthdate, favorite color, favorite cars, etc. I needed something to penetrate my soul. I use to post about this on Snapchat, that I was over small talk. Allow yourself to be emerged in someone’s energy. Allow yourself to be free. But most were not free, they were all enslaved, enslaved by their subconscious mind. I saw a meme that said something about unveil all your past traumas so we could begin to heal as one and it was regarding asking upfront questions like this on the first date. A lot of people didn’t agree with that, but I believe in solely allowing yourself to be as free as possible to an extent of your own comfortability.

As I reflect on the interactions with these women. They desired me wrong. I understand relationships is such a commitment but so is life. You commit to wake up, breath, eat, work, workout, etc. What difference does it make to create a spiritual bond with someone before the legal contracts of marriage emerge? This woman I was talking to which I told her I was interested in going out on dates and getting to know others, since its clear you aren’t ready for a relationship. In the midst of this discussion she said, “meet me half way…” and I am thinking do what now, girl I am spiritually committed to someone and now you want me. The disrespect. On a serious note; I love all depths of conversations. When she mentioned that I was all about relationships and that she wasn’t going to allow someone to stop her objectives, which is self-healing and more self-loving, I was going to snap, but had to respond correctly.

I’ve brought this forth, because for a second, I had to question whether I was wrong for not waiting around and fulfilling what I needed. Then I realized, this is the same person who stated that my edges and hair resembled slavery. That’s a different story and I honestly try not to hold any type of past tense statements, but that was a WTF, especially coming from another black woman. That’s besides the point. Self-healing is amazing, but I also thought to myself, I’ve known you for a year and nothing has happened. We met twice; you were sexually interested and again, that’s a turn off. Upfront I said I wanted a relationship, you didn’t, but now I am someone all about relationships and you want me to meet you half way. People are a trip honestly. 2018, I waited a year for someone to get their shit together and it was sexually charged and then got mad when I wanted to see other people. I be wanting to scream but realize, the universe brought my queen. And now every single person can watch our debut on television. As we create our own herstory.

I’ve realized the trauma of my story still lingers in the darkness of the subconscious passionately waiting for triggers to awaken them and destroy my inner peace. The conversations I have with my person, awakened a few. Not in an immoral way, but to validate and move forth. Although my person dislikes when I bring up the past; it exists unfortunately. The abuse was real and I dealt with it for years, so the recovery is a little slower. I do apologize. I am truly sorry. I believe all my diary entries of abuse is still on the internet. I wouldn’t want anyone to read that. I am working on not bringing up the past, but also, I refuse to deny it. The past doesn’t define me, it was a life experience; that showed me what falsified love and care was. Even when me and her were having a disagreement about, why I didn’t want to post us or what have you. She kind of started yelling and cursing. And honestly, I wasn’t even in my body at the moment. That was at trigger, I wasn’t present I was back in 2013. And then I felt rage and had to get off the phone. My shut down I just can’t fix at all. I prayed about it.

I understand it’s not fair. She’s not deserving of my past traumas. It’s unfair. But going to the bay, I’ll try, but I’ll have a panic attack and that’s something she isn’t aware of. Abuse? Is there true healing from that? I honestly, can’t step foot in San Fran, I’ll pass out in pure agony. San Fran is beautiful. And part of me feels if I go it’ll close and I won’t feel this way any longer. It definitely is a process. I’ve been self-healing for years, but the abuse it like depression, it kills a portion of your mind. It’s a virus that invades and never disappears.

My friend passed away this year. I wanted to touch on this for a brief moment. I have not had the opportunity to mourn her. I’ve been taking care of my mother and all the house things since March and she passed away in April. I am still devastated, none of my friends understand what kind of emotional state I am in, to not be able to take a second and just reflect on her and the years we spent. She was beyond a positive soul. We created a pilot, we rented a damn Tesla, a Tesla!! We celebrated like it was the end of the world. I loved her so much! I remember crying and telling her, what you need. Do you need my heart, lungs, kidney. She said na, don’t be sad for me, I’ll be okay. The most selfless individual I’ve known. It’s still unbelievable. But I’d be tired too, look at this world we in. Peace is where you are and hell is where I am. I miss her so damn much. I think if I mourn and have a moment of tears than I’d have to confirm she’s really gone and accepting that; might hurt more than the day I got the news.

It’s getting late, my thoughts are over-pouring at this moment. Sometimes I wish I could disconnect from the world. I have done it before for three months, but realized that for some odd reason the world needs me. And if I disconnected, I would neglect my duties as a spiritual being. I’ve learned in life that my selflessness is who I am. Regardless if I feel sad, unhappy, irritated; I can disconnect for a couple of days, place those emotions away and become happy. Of course I would be denying my true emotions, but to burden them onto others would be selfish. Some will never understand that, but that’s because they failed to understand me. In my teens I was a selfish individual. I vowed never to do that ever again. It’s almost a battle within to do for others, care for others, love others and neglect yourself. But like the person said to me about the well being dry. I can’t change who I’ve become. Can only appreciate that I am here. I love who I am. Regardless if my well is dry, God himself won’t judge me for continuing to give myself to others in all ways possible. The blessings don’t just occur.

Until tomorrow …

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