#I'm never going to get my health back

[nyancompoopery]

😞

#i tried so hard to be safe #but i had many Dental appointments at many different places #and i was doing good until this last place #no one was covering and the doctor couldn't do xrays with my nose mask #and she had problems with me having a mini filter #and this all ended up giving me covid 😞 #i should have just left #i should have just cancelled #there was too much on the line #and now my four year streak is broken #for what #for what?? #I'm never going to get my health back #it's never going to be the same again #i was one of those people they called having a preexisting condition #spent last 420 in the hospital and now this #and am at my poorest #and i don't have money for food or medicine #and i just got a job too #and now this #fuck #I'm going to the hospital tomorrow and IF I'm lucky and it's not covid then I'm never taking off my nose mask regardless of my dentists exp #and I'm never stepping a foot back in that place #and i really hope this stinks in my head not to do it again #it's not worth it! it really isn't

[abrushwithdeath]

((I'm gonna try to be around a little bit today, so let me know if you want me to send memes your way!!!

This goes for people I'm already writing with AND anyone I haven't had a chance to write with yet, by the way <3))

#ooc. #((I'm still just sticking to Rogue's blog for the moment. I need to get back into the habit of being here in general before I start hopping #between blogs again. #The intent was to be able to go between this and Cass's blog by this week or next but #GUESS WHO'S STUCK WORKING BOTH SHIFTS EVERY NIGHT AGAIN BECAUSE I DARED GET BACK INTO WRITING????????? #So she's gonna have to wait. Hopefully the guy we're covering for will come back soon but he's having some serious #medical issues so I think he's out the rest of the year. Someone on first shift is also out the rest of the year with health issues #which means that shift is also a TON more stressful now. #BUT I'll try to be here on Sundays and every other Saturday (pay week Saturdays are for grocery shopping and such #so I'm usually gone most of the day then and then get back in time to prep for game nights). #Also got my first tattoo a few weeks ago and I'm starting work on the first of 2 SW arm bands this Friday afternoon. #Only mentioning it because I'm excited about it. I've wanted this for literally like 8 years and just never had the money / time to do it!)

[ox1-lovesick]

hi

#life update nobody asked for lol #I missed you guys my pookie wookie dookies #I deleted all my social media and life is so great wow #still a lot of mental health problems but I'm finally learning to deal with my emotions and not hate life (wow) #is it bad for me to say I'm so glad I left blr #I will probably never come back here lol but I think (?) today is txt's debut anniversary and since I am the self proclaimed empress of moa #downgrading to a flip phone actually #I unstanned txt and all the kpop peoples too (SHOCKER) #I do feel really nostalgic and sad when I think about them but I think it was the thing I needed most #delulu is infact not the solulu #daydreaming about beomgyu being the new student at my school and being soobin's bestie was never the greatest idea hey #it's so freeing to not care about them and focus on what's infront of me #if you need a sign to start growing out of kpop and start worrying about your own life here it is babe 😭 don't let anybody give you shit #Not to say kpop is bad or anything I just think for me it was getting a bit out of hand #As much as we all make fun of the delulus it's so easy to fall down that spiral when these idols constantly tell you they love you #The parasocial relationship was REAL istg these people felt like my friends #Hueningkai does not give a FUCK about me and he is so real for that #Thinking about deleting this blog but I'm logging off after this so I very well may forget it exists again #But I just wanted to share what's been going on #And I miss you guys a lot #I may have outgrown kpop and tumblr but you all still have a special place in my heart #I miss the good old days 😭 when discord let's me back in I might visit wme #Not much has changed with me but mentally I feel like a whole new person #But I hope you all are doing GREAT #Living your best lives and doing things that make you happy #You owe it to yourself more than you owe these celebrities anything #xoxo savie 😝🤟🤟🔥🔥🔥

[goldkirk]

I DON'T HAVE TO LIE ANYMORE!

#I DON'T HAVE TO LIE ANYMORE ABOUT ANYTHING #IT DOESN'T HAVE TO OVERRIDE ALL OTHER PROGRAMMING EVER AGAIN #HA #MY GOD THAT FEELS LIKE TWO DECADES OF RELIEF #and I found out yesterday. that this year. next winter. it IS two decades. exactly. this is the year. every day i am shown new reminders #that keep me going in my mission to relearn to fully and instinctually trust my self #ever since [redacted therapist] asked me point blank and my IMMEDIATE response was complete disbelief #a firm 'you think there's any universe where i'd feel like i could trust myself? after my nonstop history of failures and being horrible?' #tone “No!” of disbelief #and a horrible way-too-harsh laugh that bolted out before I could strangle it off and stop it. #that woman never coddled my feelings any time I spoke something alarming or bullshit and that was so helpful to me #and the tone she let exist in her voice when she responded to me with a very uncharacteristic “Oh Katie.” #was so. so much more agonizing for me. than her responding with an immediate logical slam-dunk of the truth about healthy behavior and stuf #anyway ramble over i'm so tired. i've done so much trauma work this week i am Drained emotionally #now i see what the past several months but especially especially #the baffling (to me) infuriating out-of-control-speedrun-somatic-processing + every-health-condition-flaring slog that December and January #were for me when I hadn't expected anything to be wrong #...and the extremely specific way this certain zone and particular incident kept coming up over and over and over and over and OVER was not #a bug. it was a feature. thank goodness i trust myself for little things now bc that's the only way i was able to get to this other side #and look back and suddenly realize that my subconscious and body knew what they needed and had a plan in progress the whole time. just like #i rationally say I trust them to have and do. #and that perhaps maybe. for real for real instead of just TELLING myself hard enough a lie that i trust my self and i trust my body and tha #they always know their own needs and timing if really slow down and listen to them f u l l y #anyway. yeah. bye haha i need to stop oversharing on the internet #trauma evolution #shh katie #personal #my god. i wished for this day more than i wished for anything else my whole life. all these many many many many years. what magic. #add to journal #abuse

[icewindandboringhorror]

sometimes looking at like Self Help Strategies lists for the symptoms I'm having is always just like:

thing that I already do

thing I have tried 10 times

thing I already do

thing that I don't have the money to do

thing I already do

thing I've been doing since I was 10yrs old to no avail

thing that is impossible given my situation

thing that doesn't apply to me

thing that I already do

thing I have already tried

hrmm, oh wait, maybe finally- OH, yeah.. okay. thing that I already do but it was just phrased slightly differently

thing I have already done

#I think maybe productivity tips help less if the reason you're unproductive is partially like.. physcial health and other extenral things #out of your control. rather than just like having trouble paying attention or spending too much time on tiktok or whatever #all the strategic to do lists in the world are not going to somehow prevent me from waking up with a debilitating migraine or whatever #or having external stressors or lacking resources and connections or other Productivity Essentials etc. #especially many tips involve stuff like 'cut off from social media' since thats the modern day time waster for so many poeple #and it's like.. lol.. i can hardly even maintain a blog even thuogh i actively WANT TO DO SO. 'shut off your smart phone!' already #done babey i fucking hate smart phones i shall never use an app unless i am forced to. 'delete tiktok' yep. already covered. tiktok and #all of those thinsg are my enemies. 'save money by cancelling some of your services' cool. already ahead of you. #who the fuck is out here paying for like 10 different subscription services. pirated videos uploaded to google drive and youtube to mp3 #my beloved. etc. etc. and so on. 'socialize less' .........LOL.. if only you knew.. mr.writer of the article. i can barely muster #talking to friends more than once a month and even less if I'm actively sick (often occurence) etc. etc. ... hewoo #I think maybe instead of generic productivity tips I need more like.. how to refocus and be productive anyway even if you have a headache #or are nauseous or etc. Not that those are always things to ignore. and of course you should let your body rest and etc. But plenty of peop #e have mild physical symptoms and just work through them. Ithink something about the way my body/mind is SOO hyper attuned to all #sensory information just makes it like... constantly 'GRR well I cant focus on WRITING right now because my lef #t ear feels weird and my socks are too itchy and my back has a strange pressure and I'm vaguely warm and my eye feels some ssort of #way it doesnt normally feel and I'm hyperaware of my breathing and also nauseous for no reason' and like half of those things I #think '''normal''' people wouldnt even notice or at least would be able to just live through. but for me it's like.. nealry impossible to i #gnore and soooo distracting always. like 'wahh.. nooo we can't draw or get anything done.. my legs feel slightly heavy or something!!' #like............. ok......... who cares. thats not even a PAIN sensation it's just something weird. but it's just like.. NO. constant #mental alerts about the 'heaviness' of your legs be upon ye. Though Imean like.. yes.. 70% of the time I am in genuine pain #or having some sort of actual ailment with trackable physical symptoms. but sometimes it's just like... we could totally be working right #now and ignoring this silly thing but my brain is fixated on it for no reason uncontrollably. etc. etc. I guess it's the same way that like #most people can go to a grocery store without the whole experience being so overwhelming and so much stuff going on at once #that they have to rest afterwards but like.. in my own HOME doing NOTHING i feel like I should be able to not get overwhelmed lol. ANYWAY #Rolling my bastard little rock up a dumbass hill and so on and so forth

[coollyinterferes]

"Back by unpopular demand:"

"Us!"

#[*trips and falls to the ground like that one pepe frog meme but dramatically explodes into a million pieces instead* hi hi] #[i'll start by apologizing and thanking y'all for your patience bc wheew its been almost 2 months since my last post holy shittt] #[mental health along with intrusive thoughts and stuff have been absolute ass and still are right now] #[not gonna go into much detail bc i'm dealing with tons of bad stuff and negativity but yeah] #[at this point i aint even going to say 'im back!' bc everytime i do some even more terrible shit happens irl so naw] #[i also can't promise thread replies today bc i already know i'll likely not be able to finish any] #[but i will try to at least start working on some of them ;v;] #[other than that please feel free to send in stuff if you wish!] #[i haven't been around in so long that i feel completely rusty and out of the loop rn] #[but i think i'll start with the few asks i was unable to get to last time] #[if you guys who sent them see this: i'm sorry for the super looooong wait and thank you so much for your patience!!! <3] #[hope everyone's having a lovely day/night!!! <3] #;ic #(? #;ooc #(?? #[the world will never truly know *x files music plays*]

[dreamlogic]

2024 year of charlie gets a fucking break (hopefully. maybe. tbd.)

#ctxt #i'm on medication that's reduced my post-hysterectomy pain by about 70% #i have an intake appointment with a physical therapist in march & a referral to start trigger point injections #to hopefully finally recover as completely as possible from the nightmarish neuropathy that's plagued me since uuuhhhh #going on 2 years ago. holy shit. genuinely can't believe i've been surviving & functioning as well as i have for this long #while suffering a disabling & extremely painful surgical complication. fuck my original surgeon for brushing me off during that time #but the new provider i'm working with is so responsive & thorough in her approach & seems genuinely committed #to helping me finally get relief after all this time. she listens to my feedback & is flexible in her approach #and her assistant is a great communicator who's been handling most of the logistics of care coordination for me #and what a huge fucking relief that is. to not have to drag my doctors kicking & screaming towards maybe treating me eventually #i wanna cry. i finally feel like i'm being taken seriously and cared for. and i'm not BETTER yet (might never be the same as i was pre-op) #but i actually feel optimistic for the first time in over a year that i won't just have to deal with this agonizing pain on my own forever #i might actually see enough improvement that i can start to get back to living my life instead of just surviving it #money is tighter than it's been since i got laid off during early pandemic and that's stressing me out #but i promised myself that i would put my health first in 2024 and that means only working the bare minimum needed to pay my bills for now #genuinely i so fucking needed a break. i felt like i was trying to swim through a meat grinder last year #and it wasn't until i ended up in the ER about it that i finally was able to take my own pain seriously enough #to put my foot down & make some necessary changes that are now letting me focus on Getting Well With Myself at last #in hindsight it's like. really freaking me out how thoroughly i was able to compartmentalize & dissociate from how miserable i was #bc nobody who had the ability to help me would take me seriously & my shitty boss was like. extremely textbook emotionally abusive #and on one hand that was a survival mechanism that kept me on my feet during one of the worst times of my life. so props to myself there #but it was also very maladaptive how long & unnecessarily it went on before i snapped out of it & escalated things for my own safety #it was the same helpless frustration i often felt as a kid of like 'well nobody is on my side but me so i gotta suck it up & help myself' #and i think the family trauma shit that was going on last year definitely contributed to that. idk sense of doubling across time? #and things had to get Extremely Bad before they were bad enough for me to realize that although i felt like it #i am no longer an isolated & parentified island of a child who is beholden to the whims of ignorant & indifferent adults #i actually can and should take action to advocate for myself bc i am an adult and i CAN now change my circumstances as needed #instead of just enduring them as if i'm stuck there with no agency or chance to change things #and i have a really solid support system who helped me feel like it was possible to stand up for myself to get the help i desperately need #chronic blogging

[talentforlying]

one of these days i'm going to write up all that i've changed from azzarello's bullshit era and the one (1) piece i've kept from milligan (and also changed) and the only thing currently stopping me is that it is going to be so, so inside-baseball incomprehensible. and i almost never want to go reading/screencapping azzarello and milligan to add references but i Want to add references.

canon is goop, just know that we continue to ride the bus down "hellblazer ended at #250 and looks like swiss cheese before that" street.

#( ooc. ) OUT OF CIGS. #i'm doing page maintenance before i fuck off to work rip it's got me thinking #anyway i think i said WAY back on this blog that a side goal of mine is to make hellblazer lore accessible to non-comic readers where i can #bc it's such a Heavy comic & i love it so much & i always felt Terrible recommending it to people only for them to be disgusted #and like. @ past me that particular goal is NOT as easy as you thought it would be lmao #esp because i have a habit of getting VERY detail-oriented when it comes to talking about hellblazer i think #but by GOD it's still a goal. i can put in some motherfucking references here and there when i talk about The Lore #like. azzarello's writing style never translates well for me in synopsis bc he Loves to put the audience in the outside perspective #where we are bystanders/with the rest of the bystanders to constantine's actions and not to his motivations/inner monologue #and i HATE that. hellblazer has ALWAYS been about what this guy has going on underneath the masked exterior #all the things you can't say out loud when you're queer and working class trying to survive in 70s-80s-90s england #but that you FEEL with your WHOLE fucking chest. how that feeling drives you to enjoy little rebellions wherever you can get them #(also azzarello just fucking Sucks LMAO but i'm talking style rn) #so i end up relying on frusin's art to tell the story a little more bc i think he understands the Theatre of constantine's public persona #and when that theatre is Absent then it's really REALLY noticeable. so frusin keeps me in it most of the time #and if i'm digging into frusin art then i'm Going to want to compare it to older panels bc i like body language consistency #milligan on the other hand has NOTHING to save his sorry ass bc his writing is drop-jaw fucking terrible AND the artist seems to like it #but the loss of john's thumb being tied to his mental health (ignoring the bullshit with shade) has always felt. important to me somehow id #anyway MUCH thinking about my favorite loser on this about-to-be-annoying day shdjksd he has been done so dirty #hellblazer brain go brrrr

[sga-owns-my-soul]

as someone who has been misdiagnosed at best and fully ignored and not believed at worst about my health issues, it's really frustrating when people tell me i don't really have something unless a doctor has diagnosed me. doctors don't believe i have any issues to begin with, why are they supposed to be trusted over me?? like i get they have degrees but idiots get degrees literally all the time. idk it's just really frustrating when i tell people i have food sensitives and they don't believe me unless i can procure an allergy test. i tell people i have chronic pain and unless a doctor told me that, it doesn't count. i'm not allowed to identify as autistic until a doctor tells me i can. like i get looking something up once isn't the same as a medical degree but idk can we maybe just. stop pretending doctors are the only ones capable of telling what's wrong with someone? can we maybe trust that sometimes people do actually know what's going on with their body and their health?

#and there's also the whole thing about like #insane amount of ableism in health care #i can keep a full time job so clearly i don't have any health issues #my anxiety isn't debilitating bc i can deal with it most days (ignoring the days i can't breathe and i get severe chest pain) #my back pain doesn't prevent me from moving so it's not real (ignoring the times it does stop me from moving bc it's so bad) #i can still sometimes eat food and i'm not Eating Wrong so i don't actually have digestive issues #like i'm just. i'm so tired #i don't even bother going to doctors anymore #bc it just gives me anxiety and stress and they never help #i've seen so many and they all just brush me off #i just. i'm so sick of this #can we stop needing access to a whole history of medical records to believe people have health issues #can we just. not be assholes #please #im so tired #chronic illness #not stargate

[poppies]

2023 was the worst year of my life. not sure what's to come or where to start but i know things have to change, i have to fix things somehow

#i haven't been very active online #last june i experienced something traumatic and i'm stuck in an environment in which i cannot heal #plus chronic pain has inhibited my life to a devastating degree #so all i've done these past months is sink further and further into a sadness and emptiness and pain i can't describe #it's scary to look in the mirror at somebody entirely unrecognizable. i feel hollow and devoid of any traits #i feel i've lost everything that made me 'myself' #lost my family. lost my health. lost myself. lost all the things i cared about once #i don't think i can ever return to the person i was before. so i have no option but to start anew #i need to stop being so terribly nostalgic for the things i can never get back #i can't keep clinging onto broken shards #honestly i know deep down that holding on to the hurt has never served me. and i doubt it ever will #but i'm scared to let go. scared of what will take its place. scared of what i'll find. #i don't think i can heal here #so i'm just enduring. but it's scary how time keeps passing. i've been so dissociated and none of this feels real #i feel so hopelessly lost and trapped and behind. i'm 23 now but it feels so wrong #✩

[cuntwrap--supreme]

My mom: *telling me how she's only done what's best for her kids*

Me: *reminds her of a time when she absolutely did the worst for us because it benefitted her more than not doing it would have*

My mom: You have such a creative memory! Wow! You're gaslighting me! This is abuse!

#parental abuse #abuse #bad parenting #bad parent #trauma #childhood trauma #literally this started because she refuses to remember that she sold my water bed for crack money #like. that was the only bed I've ever had that didn't make my back hurt while i slept. #and she sold it. for crack. #and she's all bullshit that never happened! #and so i ask her about like two other shitty things she did and never apologized for #and she pulls out her new favorite word - gaslighting - which she learned from some dumbfuck tv show she's been watching #but when i ask her if she even knows what that means she goes see that's gaslighting! #like. no. gaslighting is telling me things i (and my siblings!!) have a vivid memory of never happened. #trying to act like i have no business being mad at her is #acting as if I'm being dramatic. that my childhood was normal. that not having food or power and living in a crack hoise is average. #i cannot wait to get out of here in december. only 18 long weeks to go! #if i ever have to live with her again I'll kill myself. these two years have been worse for my mental health than anything ever. #I'm a whole ass adult yet I'm not allowed to so much as leave the house without her demanding to know where I'm going. #i have to lie to her if I'm going to see my bald dude (rare. but if it happens) or else she gets pissed at me for seeing people??? #but if i say I'm visiting friends (not entirely a lie) she'll accuse me of going and doing gay shit? #because apparently being queer is the worst thing your kid can be in her mind #that i haven't kicked the shit out of her has to be some sort of testament to my patience as a person right?

[herd-reject-arts]

Here I go to spend several days by myself in the North Carolina wilderness. Wish me luck. Never gone camping alone (but I have my dogs, and I trust them more than any people I know), so that's intimidating. Hopefully I don't have to fistfight a bear over whatever I'm cooking that night. Not looking forward to no toilet or shower until Monday, but it is what it is. I absolutely have to do this, for my mental health. I'm losing so much money taking the time off work to just have mountain time to myself. But I gotta. My life has been such a chaotic mess for over half a year now - everything that could go wrong, has - and I've never felt so close to just letting myself snap. I can feel it boiling right under the surface at any given time.

But yeah. Should be a time. Might post pictures upon my return (provided a bear doesn't decide I'm on the menu). Wish me luck!

#not vc sorry #camping #going to pisgah in case i never return and y'all gotta help direct the cops #should be back online sometime next week #really hoping there's no phone service so no one can bother me #i WILL hike the mountains. i WILL return to the dirt and moss from which i came. #i think it'll be good for me to just fuck off for a while and hang out with my puppies #it's just been shit after shit for so long #like. starts off with me getting fired over a false police report that no one cared was obviously fake #then the only person I've ever given a shit about says he's had a massive thing for me for years and just ghosts me? #then my mom started getting worse and is constantly blaming me for all her problems and breaking my stuff etc #like. she tells my 15 year old brother he's a failure and won't be shit at least once a day. blames me for his behavior. #then I'm getting constantly fucked over at work. treated like I'm an idiot. paid less than the guys despite doing the same work. #my physical health isn't great but what do i even do about that? #i have no control over anything in my life. it's all going to shit. #but you know what i can control? where my gay ass subaru is driven. and it's driving me to the mother fucking mountains. #and i WILL chill and relax and not stress over shit that's out of my hands!!!!!!! #it's supposed to rain a lot but who cares. just means less likelihood of other people camping near me.

[graciousdragon]

*walks in, covered in ash and emanating smoke, like a Looney Tunes character after surviving an explosion* hey guys i'm back

#rys.txt #uh. long ass tags that are mostly me venting below #second semester of college down and i think i did even worse than the first one #i've definitely failed at least one class but probably more than that. in fact i can only confidently say that i passed one class #i'm too scared to look at the grades on canvas. everything gets finalized on like. wednesday i think #i'm not getting worked up about it. my dad's gonna be pissed but you know what? i'm also pissed! #i am genuinely unable to focus on my work! i've genuinely tried everything i can think of to help and it has only barely helped! #every time i try to focus on my school work it feels like my brain just disconnects! no matter what the fuck i do! #and if i try to ask my dad for help he's like “just focus on your work” BITCH I TRIED! I'VE BEEN TRYING SO HARD! I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO! #so help me god i WILL be evaluated for adhd this summer otherwise i'm just not gonna fucking go back #MY BROTHER IN CHRIST THERE IS CLEARLY SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME AND THERE HAS BEEN FOR YEARS!! #SORRY YOU WERE NEVER AROUND AND NEVER INTERACTED WITH ME ENOUGH TO SEE IT!! SORRY I LEARNED TO MASK AROUND YOU FOR FEAR OF BEING TOLD OFF!! #ok. venting about my father in the tags aside. things are looking up for me now!! :D #school is over! i don't have to worry about that for another 4 months! my friends are back in town! i have time alone during the day! #I HAVE A DISC DRIVE FOR MY COMPUTER I CAN BURN CDS NOW!! I'M SO HYPE I'VE WANTED THIS FOR SO LONG #I'M LITERALLY GOING THROUGH THIS BIG BOX OF OLD CDS AND FLOPPY DISKS AND SHIT FROM OUR BASEMENT AND THERES BLANKS I CAN BURN!! #MY MENTAL HEALTH IS NO LONGER TOTALLY IN THE SHITTER BABY!! I'M BACK!!

[icewindandboringhorror]

A very interesting cloud formation!

#I don't think I had ever really seen clouds like this before? it looks like a cool painting or something :0 #Pulling just a few images from my cloud and sky photos folder which has like 650 pictures in it becvause I'm obsessed with the sky lol #I will usually spare everyone the cloudposting but... in some exceptions when it's really cool I must Share #(upcoming covid mention in tags for those avoiding the topic) #I WANT TO BE ON AN AIRPLANE SO SO BAD I am going to start casting evil spells to explode all these 'back to normal' bastards who are out #spreading virus and shit HHHHHH... Covid is NOT over actually contrary to popular beielf especially for people with health conditions #that make them more vulnerable or would have worse consequences if they were to catch it etc. etc. wearing a mask in public is #in MOSt cases not THAt much of a horrific terrible evil inconvenience and it helps keep everyone around you safer including these #vulnerable populations!!!! Even if I didn't have any problems myself I would STILL be masking because it's a small gesture that can make a #big difference in people around me being comfortable. It's not like people with health issues just never have to go out or go to the stor #or whatever. There are still people out there who could be helped by extra precautions that are being overlooked. grrrrr... #Like at this point since I'm vaccinated and everything I would MAYBE consider flying on an airplane IF everyone else around me #was masking and being just as careful as me. But at this point it's just the wild west and I would literally be the only one who gives #a shit or who gets tested freqeuntly before after and during traveling and wears the proper type of mask well fitting and not half off my f #ce and blah blah blah. And precautions work best when EVEYRONE is participating. There's only so much you can protext yourself if everyone #around you is doing nothing. So.. alas.. I still do not feel safe traveling. And probably won't for years until more progress is made in #terms of like understanding and treating certain long covid issues and etc. Since I think it's inevitable that if I start going out again #I would get covid. Me and my household bubble are some of the only people I know who haven't had it yet (or at least not knowingly so - if #so it was one of the asymptomatic cases etc.). So if I was GOING to get it anyway I'd at least like the assurance that whatever long term #issues I inevtabley suffer because of it will be more easily treatable at that point instead of entirely disabling even further than I'm #already disabled. etc. AAANYWAY!! all that to say. I JSUT REALLY WANT TO be on an airplane!!! I dont even like traveling and going places I #hate vacations and would rather be at home working on my projects I'm fixated on lol HOWEVER I love the view from airplane windows #like the very few times in my life Ive actually been on a plane and the window is so COLD when you lay your forehead on it and sometimes yo #even see little ice crystals and it's like you're just in a landscape of clouds with a sea of clouds above and below and aaaAAAAAA #Literally I want to get on a plane just to go up in the air and then land and fly back. I don't even want to go on a real trip. I just NEED #to see the sky I need to be IN the sky I need to have that VIEW and the cold and everything!!!! gRGGHGgg... And I will do that the entire #time. I think my longest plane ride was 7 hours and I do not watch movies. I dont text or play games. I literally do nothing to entertain #myself except stare straight out the window for 7 hours (with a few eating and bathroom breaks). not even joking lmao. It's like a trance #I LOVE the sky and clouds so much and the view you get from an airplane is like incomparable!! also I love airports with the big windows an #people watching. but mostly I just long for the sky view again. GRRR.. sobbing and yearning >:T

[thedreadvampy]

Just listened back to a drunk voice note I sent Kofi on Saturday and holy shit you guys nobody told me how bad I lisp when I'm drunk

Literally most of the time the remnants of my childhood lisp are like. a slight softness/buzz on sibilant sounds. In this message it's a full on eth. "That thoundth nithe." there's even like. emphasis on the eth. I sound like a cartoon character. Don't get me wrong it's adorable. wild though. I literally didn't even notice when I was recording it that I was stumbling on the sibilances.

All I can thay is I'm thoooooo lucky that I'm the twin they gave a name containing an eth, not the twin they gave a name beginning with S. "Ruth" is a blessing to a child with a pronounced lisp. "Lisp", by the way, is not.

#red said #hi my name is ruth thedreadvampy and it took me over a decade to learn to speak while keeping my tongue off the back of my teeth #i remember finding it SO FRUSTRATING as a kid. i never had speech therapy cause it was never like. unintelligible. just noticeable. #but i hated it so much i was so embarrassed by it and mum and my siblings would be like JUST KEEP YOUR TONGUE CLEAR OF YOUR TEETH #and i was like I CAN'T THATTH IMPOTHIBLE!!!! WHERE IS IT MEANT TO GO WHERE IT ITHNT CONTACTING MY TEETH???? #anyway i largely lost the list by secondary school but it still pops up if I'm drunk or tired or talking too fast #which implies it still requires An Amount of attention to get an S sound out I've just successfully sublimated it #but hahaha it's SO exaggerated in this voice clip i cannot BELIEVE I was fully unaware of it #also. I've just realised. i was this precocious little girl with big round glasses freckles pigtails and an adorable lisp #i was a fucking sitcom child. help. adorably toddling up to adults and telling them solemnly in a soft lisp about emotional health #recontextualising all my memories of interactions as a child around the fact that i was literally the goddamn #schmaltzy Hollywood sentimental image of idealised childhood. you know uhhhh what's her name? in Matilda? the blonde girl with pigtails? #'my mommy says they're cute'? THAT fuckin kinda voice and demeanour and also you are my teacher and I'm 4 and i keep correcting your maths #unbearable.

[bittersweetstargazer]

finally finished studying for my ap test if I'm never seen again you know why wish me luck

#I'm going to spread my resources out to everyone #flame u get my blog (this one) + any non-dc related WIPs I have #violet u get my other blog and my dc-related WIPs/unreleased fics (I have an embarrassing amount of those from b wayne week) #uhhhhhhhh #flame u and jessie can share my school supplies #zoe u can have my health notes and uhh my bendy pencil bc I know ur never gonna pay attention ever again with that bad boy #what else do u guys want think of me like a grocery store #flame u can have gidget actually #my sweet precious lil baby kitty who I saw today for the first time in a week 😍😍😍 #I gave her lil scratches and she purred a lil and then my mom was like “go back in ur room u have covid” and I was like 😢😢 okay #flame honor my memory by reblogging a house md AND an espresseleine post once a month #otherwise you can turn this mostly neutral blog into a whatever blog u want