#I'm constantly telling myself

[taketwoinink]

I don't like how anxiety is like one minute we're fine and the next someone says something that could be interpreted as 'i no like this conversation' and so brain immediately jumps to me "oh no they hate me now I'm gonna die alone in a hole better leave now"

#anxiety #this is my problem with talking to people I don't know #I'm constantly telling myself #they don't hate you #we're fine #people are friendly #you're not the only weirdo here #can I just tell people hey I'm super anxious could you just tell me that you like me and we can be friends? #I'm pretty good with people I know well #this has been me for the past week on the ML Big Bang Discord server #every single time I send a message #it's a chorus of we're okay everything's gonna be okay no this isn't the end of the world calm down #in my head #can I please just #be a normal human #and not have this constant mental battle

[desertduality]

the lonely starling

biggest motivator to attempt to do art is that i get to try to make fanart for my own fic <3

the fic in question - Ao3

#goodtimeswithscar #terrified out of my mind to post this ajksdk i am not confident in art at all #but i'm going to be stubborn and do it anyway #not being good at something doesn't mean i can't enjoy it - something i have to tell myself constantly akjsdkj #wings loosely based off of the violet backed starling that won the poll #ad astra #art apparently

[sprucewoodmpreg]

really funny that clethubs has gotten way more popular this season considering bdubs has been WAY more of a petty bitch than usual 😭

#said with love. im a big fan drama and lying. etc #it's still so fucking funny though. he regifts half the stuff etho n cleo give to him. constantly talks abt how awful they are to him #<- the latter of which is blatantly untrue. which cleo TELLS HIM. and he can't even think of anything to defend himself 😭😭😭😭 #the one season in which he's actively being invited to an alliance and he's like FUCKKKKKKKK. #mfw i commit myself to a new alliance for once and then when i'm offered a chance to return to old loyalties i respond with hostility 🤦‍♀️ #because god forbid. god forbid

[paellegere]

i can't stop thinking about the whole episode where a major point of conflict was that neither sam nor dean know ancient greek (the slice girls) and then exactly one season later dean is reading ancient greek without issue (remember the titans). like which am i supposed to believe here: the showrunners forgot that they're not supposed to know ancient greek in the span of 26 episodes, OR that dean canonically learned enough ancient greek to read old documents in the span of 26 episodes??? this is more important to me than it probably should be

#supernatural #7.13 #8.16 #i know i keep telling myself i shouldn't put so much stock into spn canon bc it contradicts and rewrites itself constantly #but what is the intention of this #are they saying dean winchester is smart enough to learn a whole ancient language in less than a year #despite spending most of that time in purgatory #OR are they just forgetful and contradictory as a result #WHAT is the answer here #i'm insanely devoted to the winchesters' mutual intelligence. but that doesn't mean the showrunners are #clutching my head and groaning. what was their intent #.txt #spn posting

[naffeclipse]

thinking back on the time that I trapped myself in my room for two years and avoided as much human interaction as possible due to overbearing anxiety—and understanding now that it was an extremely unhealthy coping mechanism of self-isolation and not "laziness" or being an "antisocial weirdo" and I'm proud that I pulled myself out of that and am so much happier for it

#my parents would constantly ask me when i was going to do things because i was smart and ambitious in high school #and i didn't know why i was doing this #and i felt so dumb and defeated for the longest time #it's no one's fault that it happened because none of us understood what I was actually struggling with #but i'm right where i thought I would never be: submitting my book and going for my bachelor's degree and i'm part of a great community #like i wish i could tell myself then when i was locking my door that it's going to be okay and you're going to get out of there #naff nuh huh #vent #kind of? #anxiety

[cherrywhite]

Everyone loves to talk about hayward's possible death as if hembry didn't outright foreshadow it:

"Not like Hayward, who stands beside [Paige]. He can die early on, after the lights come back up. As a kind of punctuation, to raise the stakes. This is his only purpose here."

Please I have to believe that Paige interrupting Hembry's story and ultimately changing the ending from the tragedy it was supposed to be is also foreshadowing. That her prayer to their god — her actions, her choices — can safeguard against whatever tragedy the narrative is hurtling towards.

#the silt verses #remembers jon ware's “horror as a genre basically the sign on the door saying Bad Things Will Happen” #me [through tears] and here's how the silt verses can still have a happy ending /doubtful /lying to myself /delusional #here's how silt verses fun beach episode happy ending with all of them on a roadtrip can still win!! #HERE'S HOW 'WE FIND OUT EVERYONE'S FAVORITE MUSIC GENRE' CAN STILL WIN #hi can you tell I'm just constantly thinking silt verses 24/7 <333 #love talking silt verses am begging all my friends to listen and that I'd relisten to it alongside them ue ue

[melit0n]

.

#tw vent #I am so. so tired #this week hit me like a freight train #I have final coursework to hand in in less than a week and I'm stressing because I was most definitely not given enough time to do it #and everything inside me is telling me I'm going to fail and I'm pretty sure my teachers think so as well #all my friends are high achievers who always get high grades and put their soul into their work and then there's me. Constantly failing #I try so hard but no matter what I do I never make any progress and I'm afraid I'm going to be stuck here #and that eventually my friends will move on academically and maybe socially and I'll be left behind and feel like a scared kid again #I can't go outside for a walk to try and calm myself down because I fucked up my ankle #and I got laid off one of my jobs which means I'm also stressing about being able to actually eat and on top of that I'm stressing about -> #getting another job because otherwise I can't eat or pay gas or shit #so I'm sat here in my room surrounded by work and I can't go outside and I can't leave my room because my roommate has friends around and #I just want to explode #I'm getting to the point where I'm just being unproductive because all I do is sit in bed and rot #and if I'm not doing that I'm working or I'm at school #and of course I can't even sleep. I can't even rest for a moment #this is shit man #so utterly shit #mel's thoughts

[thegirlmirage]

My kind friends... my kissing encounter with another trans woman... my general content feeling and happiness from HRT... things are good. They were so bad for so long but they are good right now.

#transgender #gender euphoria #trans joy #I didnt have good friends #I wasnt in a good place #I didn't have agency #I was abandoned for so long #ultimately it was Queer people who gave me a hand #and that was all it took for everything to get better #for one person to help me #and then one person again the first person found for me #and now I'm dashing around meeting good friends and genuinely breathing deep the feeling of being alive and enjoying it #looking in the mirror and telling myself that these good times are because I survived #I don't think I can ever take this joy for granted #I'm afraid to lose it but I am not anxious the way I used to be anxious about everything constantly all the time #I am still anxious about a few things but the difference I feel remembering what it used to be like to have constant anxiety all the time #I am in bliss now it's worlds apart I can't describe it #I love my friends so much and they are telling me about their happiness too

[slopdoughnut]

My bitchass cat- 80 ft up in a goddamn tree

It has been a day

#i dont want to make a long post so im ranting in the tags #this is now day 2 of her being up there #we only just found where she was in the tree thanks to binoculars #there are lots of emotions rn #ive already had a shitty few days and now this #on top of all that #this guy that came to “help” was constantly making remarks about ways to get her down that would definitely kill her #“oh I'm just not a cat person” #ok??? #and??? #shut the fuck up #i lost my cool on his ass so fucking fast #i like to consider myself a generally nice person when it comes to social interactions #but within the hour i was done with this asshole #i will not mention the ways he talked about getting her down #but i will mention that i definitely threatened him #lucky i did not tell him what i was really thinking #which was that i wanted to cave his skull in #but still #i dont give a fuck that you are here to help #the past few days have been shit and now this???? #why are you such an ass??? #fuck that guy #thanks for reading my rant #i hope your week was good #ill update on how getting her down goes #rant post #personal rant #rant

[an-assortment-of-forks]

there are doctors there are hospitals there are specialists there is medicine there are systems in place so people do not have to suffer and be tortured under their own chronic pain daily and yet. they're all fucking inaccessible to the people who need it most!!! to what I would argue is most disabled people!! I'm so fucking done with the medical system.

#today is an absolutely wretched pain day that makes me want to not be here anymore but guess what! #wasted a whole year trying to convince my doctors I was in significant and disableing pain daily and the best they could do #is tell me to go to PT and to wait 6 months and tell them if it gets better #to prescribe some shit like gabapentin or otc pain meds and write me off #tell me they'll get new X-rays to see if it got worse by the summer #disability exists!! specialists exist! good doctors fucking exist!! somewhere!!! I'm sure!! #but here I sit. in excruciating amounts of pain unable to convince any fucking doctors of anything #and that year I spent pushing myself to the limit is wasted bc at the very end of it all only one guy listened to me #and he said no one in their giant ass facility could diagnose me #so I'm back to square one bc I got a new job which means new insurance and new doctors to try and convince again #I just want to be on disability so i can want to be alive again #I'm so frustrated and in pain constantly #what are people like me who have to work 40hrs to afford to live but don't have any family to rely on supposed to do?? #just die? am i supposed to continue to work until im too disabled to move and be profitable unless i get lucky? #bc some fucking doctor finally decides to actually listen??? #ive tried ALL THE DAMN TRICKS TOO. telling them a friend has it and thats how i found out. that my previous doctor was looking into it #etc etc #I'm SO done living like this i am exhausted. #and to know that i COULD BE HELPED. RIGHT NOW. is the worst fucking part #these systems are in place so people like me dont have to fucking suffer. #but i cant even do anything about it bc i have a cat.

[tumblezwei]

rw/by critics on twitter are like "as long as I'm not saying a slur or telling OP to die then they are legally obligated to put up with anything I say and not get annoyed"

#this is what constantly calling yourself ''objective'' does to a person #I'm allowing myself this one indulgence into discourse bc it genuinely is infuriating how they talk #''why did you block me/hide my tweet/tell me to leave? I'm just stating an opinion'' #idk how to tell you that People Are Not Obligated To Put Up With You #learn to read the fucking room #discourse tag #and that's it no more

[sailor-aviator]

I think I might actually legitimately be at my limit. Like I think I've reached the end of my rope, actually

#liz's personal tag #it's really not that big a deal I think #it's just been tiny things all piling up #one after the fucking other #and i think i just made a goof at work because i can't find an email telling this lady that i'm attending her fair on wednesday #even though i have confirmations for the other three schools i'm going to #and outlook looooooooves to delete my fucking emails #so i'm hoping and praying that i did actually email to rsvp #or that she'll be willing to make an exception and let me come #i'm just so fucking tired of having to teach myself how to do shit at this job #because there's only so much the people around me know how to do or teach me #and my actual supervisor never sat me down and showed me how to do the things i needed to know how to do #so i'm constantly finding out that i don't know how to do stupidly simple things and then i look like a fucking moron #and i'm so tired of feeling stupid all the time and i just want to cry even though everyone knows it's not my fault #and fuck y'all i just feel so fucking stupid right now and i hate it and now i'm crying #anyway here's wonderwall

[vibinwiththefrogs]

Been thinking about langblr and New Years resolutions and yno... Usually I have more solid language study/learning goals. But I'm trying really hard to relax and not take my hobbies so seriously (because then I stress myself out). Next year I think all my goals will be based around enjoying media and doing things on a whim. It will definitely be less structured, and there may be less progress. But its going to be a year of learning what I want and what I feel and going off of that.

#I have/had alexithymia and so its very hard for me to tell what I want and what I feel #And constantly I push myself too hard or I do things I don't really enjoy because I had planned to or feel like I should #I think 2024 is going to be about finding myself and consciously learning to live in my body #No more language goals simply for improving skills #If I don't enjoy it I'm not doing it #langblr #Rambling

[licorishh]

Most people really don't seem to understand that friendship is a two-way street.

They expect you to wait on them hand and foot as they rant about and constantly pour on you either their issues or their passions and when you finally have something you'd like to talk about you get a "Man that sucks :/" or a "Cool" in return.

Find somebody who doesn't do that. Then you'll have your best friend.

#i know i ramble sometimes and i'm extremely grateful that my best friend puts up with it :') #but see then in return i do the same for her because it would be completely unfair for me to expect her to act like a wall for me to talk a #or when i wanna show her something and i can tell she's being polite and it doesn't personally strike her fancy I MOVE ON #and she does the same for me and we have way frickin better communication and we have a frickin rad friendship #it's give and take #and also can we bring back the idea of being able to work through some things on your own? #like i am ALL FOR having a support system that can encourage you when things go wrong but some things can be solved on your own #i shouldn't be bearing the burden of figuring out your life for you you know? #i'm absolutely willing to help but if you're just going to spend all your time complaining to me and never ever take my advice #then there comes a point at which i'm literally just acting as your therapist and that's not how friendships are supposed to work #i've become kind of the designated therapist in a lot of friendships throughout my life #and it is exhausting constantly being complained at (sometimes over very minor things) #only to have that person or people COMPLETELY ignore your advice every single time you try to give it #that's not friendship my dude that's using me because you just want someone to complain to #like i said. support system good. treating your friend like an emotional punching bag to let out your problems 24/7 very very bad. #like when i was feeling completely unlike myself and irritated and frustrated for three dang years straight #i didn't really talk about it much because i knew it wasn't the kind of thing advice was going to fix #so i wasn't in the discord servers every two seconds “MAN I REALLY JUST DON'T FEEL GOOD :///” #because when other people do this to me there comes a point at which i'm like “WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT” #like i've given you all the advice i have and you have taken absolutely none of it nor have you taken any action on your own #so now i'm just here to make you feel better about yourself and that's really not my job #emotional support is necessary. patting you on the head when you refuse to do anything to better your situation is not. #tl;dr people who refuse to do anything to better their situation other than complain to ME about it 24/7 drive me nuts #and it drives other people nuts so please don't do it to anyone #don't bottle up your emotions but also don't let them come crashing down and drown everyone you know #just because you can't be bothered to put ANY effort forth to contain them #emotional regulation is attractive~~~ #society today has built such a culture of “it's not YOUR fault and if you cry about it hard enough someone will fix it for you” like no sir #sometimes it IS your fault and sometimes you DO need to take responsibility #and if it is your fault then absolutely no one but you is obligated to fix it

[thebramblewood]

You know I'm in story procrastination mode because I've willingly been sorting CC for the last couple nights.

#deleting? wellllllllll.... #i'm telling myself i just need to get it in the right folders and then i can be extra brutal but we'll see #my main goal is organizing the accessory categories in cas so that i'm not constantly hunting for a needle in a haystack #then at least if i have too much stuff it will at least make a bit more sense #anyway i DO have a post done that's coming in a couple days #i just have to kick my ass a bit to work on the next one

[roobylavender]

although i have a lot of hard feelings about romance novels and often come out of them 9/10 times with hatred and embarrassment laced into my heart i do think most people can agree that romance novels at large have developed in response to the control over people's sexual lives and how that's subsequently led to a desperate desire from the sexually repressed to be equal participants in a sexual environment. it's not so much that women want to be in relationships with dominant men to whom they play housewife or baby incubator or worse. it's that women want to be in relationships at all. and because the standard for relationships at large is the nuclear family, this is what subsequently shows up in your literature. why do you think religious women in particular are such a huge audience for romance novels despite the often conservative environment they grow up in? it's bc the consumption of romance novels does not exist in spite of that conservatism but bc of it. to be gatekept from any expression of sexual desire until you marry or until you fornicate for the purposes of having a child is to breed in young women a desire for what we would now no longer consider practices entailing any self-respect. you're kept in an ideological cage all of your life, naturally you reach for what's immediately out of reach rather than consider that there could be more out there that is available to you. it sucks! it's sad, it's horrific, it makes me wanna cry. but i can also never quite blame women for it bc they're not the ones who've created this environment of sexual conservatism (ie the real puritan culture, the one that hypersexualizes virgins by obsessively protecting their chastity prior to marriage bc said chastity can only ever belong to one man). man has. religion has. patriarchy has. why would i focus my hatred on women who are merely coping with the status quo rather than the systems in place that we actually have to change to allow for more sexual freedom and agency?

#to be deleted #like to tell you the truth. do i consider myself to be more self aware than most romance novel readers. yeah #but i'm twenty six. i grew up in a household where dating and sex were completely forbidden and i still live in it #and at all times i feel like i am constantly yoyoing between 'do i want to get married just so i can experience what sex is like' #and 'sex sounds horrid and controlling and disgusting and i would rather die a virgin' #sometimes i feel insanely deprived of an outlet and yet i don't ever pursue one bc the associated psychological guilt is unbearable #and then on top of it i'm a born hater so whatever high i presumably /could/ get from romance novels i simply. don't #but that's not the case for every woman. not every woman is born a hater nor has the mental fortitude for that #some of them want to cope. and idk i feel so bad like it makes me feel actively. depressed that this is what they have to turn to #bc they genuinely don't understand that there's more. that what's being held away from them like a reward #isn't actually a reward. it's bare minimum. it's exactly what religion and patriarchy want them to do #and unfortunately i am nonetheless party to it! i am convinced i could never kiss or have sex with a woman even though i vaguely want to #bc the religious guilt is supreme. it rules my brain despite not ruling it in so many other areas