#I’ve always had some auditory processing issues but if I’m with friends or family I can just be like wait sorry I checked out repeat that?

[figofswords]

has anyone tried loop earplugs for auditory processing issues, especially and specifically while working a retail job? I know originally they were for helping with overstimulation but the noise levels at my job aren’t enough to overstimulate me so I’m not really looking for anything that’s going to muffle things too much. the issue is if there is more than one conversation happening or if we’ve opened the door to the street I completely lose the ability to process what’s being said to me, like I’ll stand there absolutely fighting for my life trying to process the customer spelling their name for me and having to have them repeat each letter four or five times before my brain understands it, or fully checking out of one conversation and into another without noticing it and then having to fight my way back to figure out what the other person said, or even trying to figure out what *i’m* saying if I check out mid-sentence. my manager recommended I try loop so im wondering if anyone else with adhd and auditory processing issues has experience using loop in a retail setting and whether you think it’s worth it or not

#it’s literally so bad I feel like I’m wading through water against the current trying to stay on top of a conversation #I’ve always had some auditory processing issues but if I’m with friends or family I can just be like wait sorry I checked out repeat that? #but at work I’m standing there the customer is spelling their name two letters at a time #I cannot hold onto those letters for long enough to type them into the computer #I ask them to repeat they repeat at the same speed same volume and don’t break it into single letters OR syllable groups #each of which would be easier than two letters at a time #and the only thing that changes in their tone or face is a subtle expression of ‘oh this person is stupid’ #IM SORRY OK MY COWORKER JUST LAUGHED ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM MY MANAGER JUST YELLED SOMETHING FROM THE BACK #A GROUP OF FRIENDS WALKED PAST OUTSIDE TALKING LOUDLY THE BUS JUST WENT PAST #IM TRYINGGGGGGG

[adhdeancas]

wait so fellow adhder I'm I think that actually all of the TFW are actually ND. Cas has autism, dean has adhd, and hear me out, Sam has ocd. the intrusive thoughts? obsessive behavior? eating and acting clean literally to a point where it is inconvenient for everyone involved? I think he is obsessing over being clean and fresh (compared to demon blood and souless Sam, sleazy and nasty Sam) also I have a few reasons for thinking dean us adhd but y do u think so sorry I'm rambling

let’i’ve been waiting all my life for you to come into my inbox and talk to me about this

of COURSE TFW are ND!!! of course!! and yes, yes, we all know Cas has autism I love my autistic angel and i love the hc that Sam has ocd because it does fit really well!

(sectioned all of this out because it’s better for adhders to read, you get it)

his ocd directly bleeds into his poor self-esteem like you said with the demon blood! he feels the need to be pure and even though he canonically knows that these things (like eating clean, running, etc) can’t help his problem, he still tries because he kind of... has to. 

also OCD is often connected to a need for control, and the physical state of sam’s body is the one thing he has control over (which is also where we get into eating disorder territory). Sam has had so little control over his life, especially growing up, and for most his childhood, he didn’t even control what he ate (with Dean making/buying his meals). SO once he gets out of that environment, he hyperfixates on this new freedom!

we can also go to the hand pressing with this. a literal compulsion that even after the effect of the pain wears off once the hand heals, he still does it as a grounding method. nonsensical compulsion to calm anxiety? yes OCD 

can also be linked to childhood trauma but what ND can’t be amirite

emotional regulation once again - remember Angry Boy King Sammy? So angry he doesn’t know what to do and can’t control it and feels like he’s gonna explode with the rage?

intrusive (sometimes violent) thoughts are a huge marker for OCD and Sam’s obviously sometimes come from Unnatural means but they are also a part of him and kind of always have been

religious themes are also huge in OCD which Fits and makes me EMOTIONAL Sam I’m so sorry he spent his whole childhood feeling unclean and unholy and Fixated on that to the point of praying to a God his family didn’t believe in just so he could be Clean fuck

also i think it’s really interesting and cool that of the two brothers, Sam shows the most obvious signs of OCD even though he is canonically the messier brother and the brother not worried about IRL germs (i know the writers didn’t try to do this but i don’t care they didn’t play into the OCD means i must germex! trope)

AND ADHD DEAN!!! 

let’s first look at the obvious: Dean is highly skilled in combat, even though he hates physical exercise. Why? ADHD brain tied up with anxiety is hardwired into flight or fight, not sit and focus on one thing. it’s constantly picking up on threats and peripheral vision and all that shit 

he also has a spotty history with books! like i’ve said before, not shit writing, this is Dean’s ADHD. Dean as a kid read some high-brow books and he still does occasionally but he doesn’t nearly as much as an adult because it became much harder!! and because he just couldn’t devote that much attention, even as a kid, to things that he wasn’t really interested in! This is why he hates research

he’s known far and wide for his impulsiveness, his knee jerk decisions. it’s part of what makes him a good hunter and part of what makes him human disorder incarnate - It’s ADHD

Low frustration tolerance and rejection-sensitive dysphoria! Dean has a really hard time regulating his emotions and especially anger - especially especially especially when he feels like he’s being rejected or abandoned. it’s literally his worst fear 

^^^^ rejection-sensitive dysphoria also plays into his low self-esteem (god poor kid to have RSD in an environment growing up where Everyone Was Constantly Busting Each Other’s Balls and couldn’t be emotionally available to also tell you they actually love you), high self standards, and social anxiety (he’s a bullshitter, his chameleon charm is also a symptom of his social anxiety and RSD) 

also Dean has lots of sleep problems both ways and complicated relationships with motivation and inner restlessness versus a yearning for stability 

comfort items / food!! now i can’t find the research on this so forgive me because i know i’ve read it somewhere that ADHDers tend to gravitate toward familiar things or foods! (like Dean’s burgers and his car / motels that are all basically the same) it is a very ND thing in general as well

along that line, ADHDers tend to have sensory processing issues - it’s why Dean has an Outfit Recipe of the same types of clothes that he sticks to - also why he delights so much in sensory stuff like magic fingers and the Dead Guy Robe

(((jfc i thought of this point while writing out the last one and then forgot it and had to stare at the screen for a minute, now I’ve forgotten it again while writing this thank you adhd))) AH YES! auditory processing! Remember how we make fun of Dean for his lame comebacks? Remember how we make fun of him for his buffer speed in The Scene? baby that’s because it takes him five extra seconds to translate those words let alone RESPOND

not to mention people with ADHD often have much higher rates of anxiety/depression (duh) and substance abuse (yes)

lmao in researching this the article I was looking at says that lead exposure as a child can lead to ADHD and jfc you KNOW those shitty motels had Exclusively Lead Paint smh

BUT ONE OF MY FAVORITES of course has to be that Dean gets along so well with autistic Cas!! as an adhd dude with an autistic best friend, WE DIG! adhd and autism go so well together because we can get each other in ways that others just Can’t. adhd and autism have a lot of overlap/similarities in brain function and shit. 

tend to eschew social conventions and be much more straightforward/want that in others

they can both have the tendency to fidget and depending on upbringing mask that for some people - which also leads to being social chameleons

they both have comfort items / foods that NT find really strange or childish in my experience

sensory disorders!!! cas with his ONE OUTFIT and Dean with his different colored ONE OUTFIT 

Anyway i’m in love with this and i have so many thoughts but here are a few of them thank you very much for this ask i love that you came to me 

#ask #willowwisk #adhd dean #dean has adhd #autistic cas #cas has autism #ocd sam #sam winchester #dean winchester #castiel #neurodiversity #tw: abuse #tw: eating disorders

[leo-culture-technology]

I don't really have anything specific in mind, I'm actually kinda lost as to what to look for jkjsksjk I know I identify with some traits, like sensory issues and difficulty communicating (I do have a diagnosis of social phobia, though I've been thinking maybe autism would better explain other aspects of my life beyond social interaction). I've been reading some articles regarding late discovering of autism and mostly looking for experiences, so I can compare to my own. I feel like I should be looking for something else but I don't really know what? lmao I don't think that was really helpful, anything you can share would be good to me

This is a really long post so I'm going to put it under a read more to not clog up other people's feeds but I think the main areas to cover are:

- verbal communication issues

was your vocabulary/reading ever under/over developed as a child? Having a really advanced vocabulary is just as much a sign of autism as having delayed development in this area. Also, having a very hard to pin down accent, or taking on others' accents Really easily is common amongst autistic people. Do you ever have trouble speaking? I experience selective mutism and when I'm overwhelmed/stressed/upset I often find it hard to speak out loud and have to communicate through messages/notes, though when I'm not mute I'm very eloquent and have always had a vocabulary that was advanced, other kids found it hard to talk to me when I was younger bc they couldn't understand me, but equally comprehension/vocabulary can be delayed/compromised and you might find it hard to understand others because you struggle with that sort of thing yourself. Do you have issues with your tone of voice ever? I find that I can't read my own tone of voice or my volume, some things will come out really bitchy-sounding or angry-sounding and I won't be able to tell, or I might be shouting and not know it because it all sounds the same in my head really.

- sensory issues

do you have issues with certain types of sound? volume? quantity? volume doesn't bother me, but too many different sources of noise will send me into a meltdown so fast. Do you struggle with certain smells, bright lights, tastes, textures of food or of clothing, certain sensations, for example I get really stressed out by having wet skin/hair, and I can't stand the sound/feeling of something rubbing over carpet. I also find some tastes to be overwhelming. Under-sensitivity or processing issues can also be a symptom. Do you ever struggle to process reading/listening to something? I have absolutely awful retention for auditory information, I can't hold more than around 4-5 words in my mind at any one time, and I can't follow auditory instructions at all if there's more than one step, it needs to be written down. I also often struggle to read things because I don't process the words and they just look like meaningless letters on a page to me. I also really struggle to process my own thoughts and order them, I'm able to talk out loud but there are times where I can't write my thoughts without speaking them first because ordering my thoughts while they're still inside my head is very difficult. I also have an under-sensitive sense of smell and taste at times. I can't even smell when meat has gone bad and everyone else I know says it really stinks, and like I can't tell the difference between chicken gravy and onion gravy, for example, because they taste almost identical to me. And senses aren't just the basic five, either. Do you have a particularly high OR low pain threshold? interoception is the perception of bodily functions. Do you have trouble identifying/noticing when you're hungry/thirsty or when you need to go to the toilet e.g. you didn't need to go pee a minute ago but now you're Suddenly absolutely bursting to go because you didn't notice it earlier at all. Proprioception is your perception of your movements, balance and of where your limbs are in relation to your surroundings. Do you bump into things or fall over seemingly nothing a lot? Have you ever been told/noticed you move "strangely"? Do you ever walk sort of on your tiptoes or toes-first rather than heels-first?

- social issues

do you have trouble reading body language? facial expressions? figurative language? tone of voice? not every autistic person will experience all of the above, I know people who can't read body language but can read tone of voice, or can't read figurative language but can read facial expressions, etc. etc. Personally I struggle with tone of voice a lot, I can't tell when people are being serious or not, or whether they're upset or not, tone of voice doesn't really tell me anything about how they're feeling of what they mean. Figurative language varies, I understand metaphors and I often understand sarcasm, although I won't get it if it's too deadpan, and I sometimes miss hyperbole and think people are being serious. I also can't tell whether people are teasing me or genuinely being mean the vast majority of the time. I tend to rely on speech patterns and word choice a lot to understand people, personally. I pick up on what sorts of words they use in what moods and use that largely to inform my interpretations of their current mood based on the words they're choosing. Do you ever struggle understanding what is/isn't socially appropriate? I overshare a lot bc I don't rlly understand what is "too much information" and what isn't, and I also don't understand really how to treat people differently based on their "social role", like I treat someone like a friend regardless of whether they're a stranger, a classmate, a friend, a family member, a colleague, a boss, a teacher, etc.

- need for routine/dislike of sudden/significant change

this isn't always as clear as like needing an entire day to be a routine, it can be little things. I'll give some examples: I have to brush my teeth in a specific way - I count the number of passes of the brush over each section of my teeth, I have to eat a sandwich in a specific order of bites, many food places I will order the same thing every/nearly every time and I will eat that order in the same way, I wash my body/hair in a certain way/order in the shower every time, sometimes I get weirdly obsessed with symmetry and I have to walk in a certain way and if I step "wrong" I have to hop around on one leg until I feel "balanced" again, I have to do my daily tasks on genshin impact in a certain order, etc. etc. I could probably think of more if I tried. I will often get distressed/overwhelmed/upset if any of these "routines" are disrupted somehow. My original method of eating a sandwich applied to when they're cut across into rectangles, so I used to hate eating triangle sandwiches because I couldn't eat them "correctly" until I figured out a similar way to eat triangle sandwiches, and now I Have to eat them in that way because it's "correct" and I'll feel uncomfortable otherwise. Note that this isn't like OCD because it's not anxiety-based, it's based on the fact that it feels like the "correct" way to do it, and that any other way is simply "wrong" and you don't like doing it "wrong". The need for routine and dislike of change might also manifest in needing to plan things ahead days in advance, you also might be like me and be very capable of impulsively doing things like going out if You decide to do it, but if someone Else suggests it, then you need the preparation time. - stimming/special interests

stimming can be honestly anything. I tap my foot, I sing, I have a whole folder names "stim games" on my phone, I type, I eat, I chew gum, I flap my arms, I scratch fabrics, I smell blankets/clothing. Stimming just means self-stimulation and is absolutely any repeated action that you find soothing/cathartic in any way. Under here I'm also going to mention samefoods: foods that you feel comfortable eating even when you don't feel comfortable eating anything else. Like if too much flavour/smell/texture feels overwhelming, most autistic people will have food/s that aren't at all stressful to eat and they can default to at those times. Mine is a specific brand of chicken nuggets, I'll often fall back on those when eating anything else feels overwhelming but I need to eat Something, and I can usually handle those when I can't handle other things.

as for special interests, they are anything that you're kind of obsessed with. You can have multiple, they can change over your life, but your interest tends to go much deeper than that of a neurotypical person's and you feel a need to know everything about it and struggle to hold conversations about other topics because it kind of just takes over your brain. when I was younger some of my special interests were final fantasy, anime, hello kitty, languages/linguistics has always been a special interest of mine, kpop is definitely one, astrology is also for sure one. I fall in and out of being obsessed enough with genshin to call it a special interest. I had a friend in highschool whose special interest was the periodic table, for a while they were obsessed with the 8 times table, and then it became dinosaurs. My little brother is autistic and his special interest has always been video games, he's really interested in retro games, he loves Minecraft and Mario too, when he was younger it was ben 10 for a while, there was also a period where all he wanted to do as a kid was rewatch the cars movies. Media likes to portray special interests as being academic but they can truly be absolutely anything. A desire to know absolutely everything about trains or flowers or kpop is just as much a special interest as neurology or maths or physics or smth like that.

Another thing I've just thought of to be noted, is hygiene:

some autistic people might appear to have borderline OCD tendencies where they can't handle dirt/mess and need everything to be tidy/clean all the time. This is definitely one of the stereotypes. But struggling with hygiene is just as much a symptom of autism. If you struggle to remember to shower/wash hands/brush teeth/do laundry/etc. that could well be an autism symptom. I found out I'm sensitive to mint and especially to toothpaste, it makes my mouth feel like it's burning and like I'll actually cry if it touches my tongue bc it hurts that much lmao. I discovered a toothpaste that's unflavoured and doesn't foam up and now I can brush my teeth without pain but for a long time I struggled with consistently brushing teeth bc of that. I also struggle with showering bc of being stressed out by wet hair/skin. Sometimes it's also a memory thing, and I forget to do these things. I also absolutely suck at keeping my room clean, idk why I just Really Can't lmaoooooo

I'm certain there are things I haven't covered, these are mostly pulling from my own experiences of autism from myself and those around me. All of this might apply to you, it might not, but I hope it makes sense and has given you a good starting point of things to examine within yourself and questions to ask yourself <3 I wish you well bub and please always feel free to ask more questions and/or talk to me more about your experiences <3

#answered #n-a-n-d-a-p-a-n-d-a #personal #autism #neurodivergence #neurodivergent #ND

[canyouhearthelight]

The Miys, Ch. 76

Whew!  Enormous Family Dinner is finally done!

This took 2 more chapters than I originally planned, but I feel that holds pretty true for any good conversation you have among your found family... it just never wants to stop!

As always, thank you to @satan-parisienne for being so very, very patient with my ‘hurry up and wait’ style of requesting feedback, especially while you haven’t felt the greatest.  You are far better at pointing out “yeah, but this makes sense to LITERALLY NO ONE ELSE” than anyone I will ever know.  Also, @baelpenrose for helping me nail some of the dialogue, along with keeping me on track with all the bits and bobs I try to include in a single chapter.  Between the two of you, I feel like a better writer every day.

To give an idea of how crazy this chapter was to write, content warnings include mentions of:

Food Painfully spicy food Witches (non specific) Burning witches (the fact it happened) Sex (non explicit) Drugs Paranoia Food aversions

To be clear, none of this occurs on screen with the exception of the foods.  But it is all referenced in the conversation within the chapter, so just in case I wanted to make sure to mention it here. I also tried to tag it all.

I managed to calm myself down while Conor and Maverick dragged Sam to get more food.  As I wiped the last of the tears from my eyes, Alistair was dutifully telling Arthur some of my more humorous antics.  The dry humor and deadpan delivery threatened to put a smile on my long-lost friend’s face.

“It was ginger tea, not green tea,” came Tyche’s voice and she snatched a curried-vegetable wellington out of my hand. Stuffing it in her face, she turned to the teacher-cum-warlord-cum-teacher. “If you ever do or say anything unpleasant to my sister, if you make her even the tiniest bit uncomfortable, I will end you,” she advised jovially.

“I can’t exactly return that threat,” he pointed out, nonplussed. “I probably know more about your reputation than anyone on this ship except Sophia, and I’m not brain-dead enough to think you’re going to hurt her.” He paused before clarifying. “Necessary kicks in the ass notwithstanding. Hey - “

“You have to earn that privilege, professor,” she interrupted.  Draping herself over a chair - there weren’t any arms, how was she doing that? - she turned to me. “I like Parvati.  Guerilla protest artist in the body of a goddess.”

“Fortunately, humanity progressed past a point where we burn witches at the stake,” Arthur rued in agreement.  “Otherwise, I’m pretty sure Ms. Fletcher wouldn’t have made it out of infancy.”

“Certainly no Refugee Guernica,” I agreed with a sigh.

Grey sat down and nodded a greeting before adding “I have come to burn your fields and steal all your women.”

“Our dear Councillor Kalloe certainly seems to worship at that altar,” Alistair commented before I could stop sputtering at the sudden show of humor.  His face was entirely innocent when our heads whipped around collectively. “What? There is not enough soundproofing in the several galaxies - “

A dark hand swatted at his face as Derek objected. “Not in front of the dumplings,” he signed before swatting at Alistair some more.

“As a former warlord, I feel like I should object to that,” Arthur directed at Grey. “I mean, I may have burned a few fields, but I never stole all the women…”

I sighed with feigned wistfulness. “I don’t think Parvati had to steal anyone.  They probably marched behind her happily, with desperately high hopes.”

Several nods exchanged around the table before Arthur cleared his throat. “Speaking of witches…” He glanced pointedly at Tyche. “I managed to find something from Earth already in the consoles, and I am well aware that Sophia is insane about spice.” More than I did, my sister immediately perked up. “This is something I got to try exactly once in the Before, and it’s definitely not for the faint of heart.”

“Berbere,” I murmured.  I could remember him telling me about it afterward.  It was the hottest thing he had eaten in his life, at least at the time.

He nodded in confirmation. “Exactly.  But, just a warning before anyone rushes off to try this: it isn’t just spicy in the Scoville sense, this is spicy in the Dune sense of the word.”

A few confused looks exchanged around the table.  I threw looks at both Tyche and Arthur asking for permission before explaining. “In the fiction series Dune, there is a drug that is only found naturally on a planet called Arrakis.  The drug is nootropic, anti-gerial, and mutagenic, primarily allowing for expanded consciousness, ability to understand fifth and sixth dimensional navigation, and in limited cases, ancestral memory. Although the actual name of the drug is melange, the common name is simply ‘spice’.”

Arthur mimed applause; he had heard me mention my tendency to spout information like a walking encyclopedia, but this was the first time he had seen it in person.

The confused looks cleared up slightly, but there were still more than I would have liked.  Grey gently raised a hand for attention. “And… You actually want to eat this?”

I nodded fervently, as did Tyche, although Arthur tilted his head back and forth. “I mean… I believe after the meal I… experienced… I used the phrase ‘what unholy fire did I just put into my body’, but hey. It was delicious, even if the experience was a little closer to fiery transcendence than was altogether comfortable.”

Tyche snorted. “Burning witches at the stake, you mean?”

Ahhh… that was why talking about Parvati made him think of berbere.

“Just don’t give it to Derek, I’m begging you,” he responded. “This is not the ‘understanding eyes of kindly folk who burned witches alive to save their souls’ kind of thing. This is more ‘being consumed in the unholy fire of the most delicious thing you can imagine and seeing the fabric of reality in the process’ kind of thing.” Shuddering dramatically, he glanced at Derek. “Something tells me you would try to hack reality, and we kind of need that to just keep working right now.”

A sudden expression crossed Tyche’s face that I could only describe as looking like the physical manifestation of a click-noise. “Transcendent… I’ve noticed several people on the Ark - and I mean easily over a hundred - acting strange lately.  This can’t be related, can it?”

My neck ached in sympathy for the way it would have snapped around, had I not been facing her already. “You’ve noticed it, too?”

Derek tapped the table emphatically, requesting our attention. “Noticed what?”

“People have been unusually antisocial,” Tyche clarified. “Instead of greeting strangers, they look at me skeptically when I say hi.”

I nodded in agreement. “Even people who were very casually friendly in the last year or so, suddenly just nod and duck away to whisper furtively. It would be one thing if I had done something that clearly had a negative impact on the crew, but… I mean, I even see people who are carrying portable habitats for Else eyeing me weirdly.”

If Arthur had cats’ ears, I swear they would have been pricked as far forward as possible - for someone who was suspicious as a default, he looked curious enough to die for the satisfaction of an answer. “How large are these groups? Have you noticed any frequent meetings? Do you ever see people from several groups interacting? Are they quieter when you - or any other outsiders, I guess - approach?  Is it always the same people?”

My head spun as I tried to parse out answers. The questions had come rapid-fire, and I realized abruptly that Arthur, for all our digital interaction in the Before, wasn’t used to my auditory processing issues.

Thankfully, our Knights of the Dinner Table arrived from a successful quest, laden with several plates of tidbits and small cups of hot soup.  Tyche and I glanced at each other, silently agreeing to suspend the discussion of odd behaviors, before I spoke. “Soup isn’t on the menu, guys.”

“Special request,” Sam insisted carefully. “We all like miso, and it helps digestion.”  Without waiting for approval, he took one bowl, scooped all the tofu out and added it to a second bowl, and handed the first bowl to Derek. “No mushy,” he promised sincerely.

I restrained the urge to gape.  Never had I seen Sam assert himself like that, and it honestly made me insanely happy to watch.  Looking around the table, I saw the slightest twitch of Grey’s mouth. “It is very healthy to be clear about what you want, and builds friendships when you do so for others.” 

So they were the culprit behind Sam coming out of his shell. Interesting. “Cheers to insurrection,” I murmured, toasting with my half-gone bloody mary.

“And soup,” Maverick added cheerfully as he accepted the cup with extra tofu.

Not even bothering with the spoon, Conor actually toasted with his soup before downing it in one swallow.  “Slainte.”

Thankfully, Tyche and Grey both took much more graceful sips from their small bowls. 

Quickly, I sent a message to Arthur to send his questions in writing so that I could answer them fully.  Derek also made quick gestures with his datapad, seemingly asking the same thing. 

Everyone ignored Derek slipping half his bao back on Sam’s plate.

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#the miys #humans are weird #found family #original scifi #original fiction #aliens #apocalypse #tw: food #tw: witches #tw: spicy food #tw: witch burning #tw: drugs #tw: paranoia

[adultingautistic]

When I was 3 or 4, my mom asked my doctor if I was autistic. She was told I was "too smart for autism." When I was 12, I read about autism and thought it sounded like me. I brought it up to my doctor and was dismissed. After taking psychology in high school, I tried again and was told I was "too verbal." I accepted it and figured that, even if I had the same problems as autistics, in my case it was just because I was lazy, selfish, over-dramatic, wasn't trying hard enough, etc. (1/2)

(2/2) Now nearly 30, I'm revisiting the issue and... I'm just so, so autistic. I have special interests. I stim. I have auditory processing issues. I spent all of middle school studying my fellow students, trying to memorize and copy their social skills. I have strong feelings on socks. I'm 100% sure I've got autism, but I'm not sure I want to try to get a diagnosis again, not after being burned all those other times. Is there any reason I should bother? Would a diagnosis help me as an adult?

Dear anon, I am so, so sorry that you had to go through all of that.  A lot of us have been brushed aside that way, and it’s not right, and you are not alone in this experience.

Knowing you are autistic is beneficial to you, because you can seek out help from other autistics, you can know why you have the challenges you do, and you can give yourself the accommodations you need to improve your daily life.  You don’t need a diagnosis to know you’re autistic, you just stated you already know you are.  

There are two reasons that a person might seek out a professional diagnosis.  One is for self-validation or validation to family/friends.  Some people gain a lot of confidence once they have that paper diagnosis, because you can say “I’m autistic” and others have a harder time saying “No you’re not.”

The other reason is for accommodations.  If there is something you need to ask your school or job to change for you, so that you can function better in that environment, then sometimes you need a professional diagnosis for that.  But not always.  For example, my therapist signed all the paperwork I needed in order to get my accommodations, even though I wasn’t diagnosed with autism yet. Some schools and jobs don’t require a diagnosis at all, they only require that you ask.

Only you can look at your life and know whether or not a professional diagnosis will benefit you.  There is not harm in not having one; you’re still autistic, being diagnosed or not doesn’t change whether you’re autistic.  It all depends up on whether getting diagnosed would be beneficial to you in some way.  And yes, making you feel more confident is beneficial and if you just want a diagnosis so you can finally prove all those previous doctors wrong, that’s a valid reason.

#actuallyautistic #actually autisitc #diagnosis #professional diagnosis

[mszegedy]

30 Days of Autism Acceptance: Days 17-26

This is a list of questions by @autie-jake (full list here), where you’re supposed to answer one per day for every day of April. I keep forgetting to do these daily, so here’s all the days since my last post. My last post is here.

April 17: Have you experienced ableism before? If so, how did it feel and how did you handle it?

Yes! Actually, it made my childhood so bad that my brain decided to forget it. So, clearly nothing to write about here.

April 18: Discuss how you felt when you felt when you first learnt you were autistic vs how you feel now.

I’m not good at the whole “remembering how I feel” thing. My memories of my feelings are all semantic memory. I know as a 6th grader I thought autism was super cool and I read a whole autobiography of an autistic savant because I wanted to find out more about it (Born on a Blue Day by Daniel Tammett). After a lot of intense research, I decided that I couldn’t conclusively self-diagnose, and regretfully slinked away back into not understanding or advocating for my needs. Sometime later, an actually autistic coworker of mine looked at me for like five (5) minutes, and was like, “Hey, have you been diagnosed with autism yet?” I’ve since adopted her as my second mom, for that and other reasons. I’ve had very few moments in my life when I was sad to have an autistic trait, and I got over it fairly quickly.

April 19: Talk about scripting. Is scripting something that you normally do? What kind of situations do you have a script for? Does it help you?

People don’t like my apologies, so I have a couple apology scripts saved. Otherwise I tend to just wing it and fail spectacularly. The apology scripts tend to sound… scripted, but they’re better than just doing it myself, I think.

April 20: Discuss stimming. In what ways do you stim? What does stimming mean to you? What do individual stims that you do mean? Do you have any stim toys? What would you like people to know about stimming?

Pressure stims are the most important stims for me. I’m more likely to be squeezing a part of my body than not. If nothing else, I can cross my legs tight and squeeze them together. This doesn’t have any specific function; it’s just something I do that makes me feel better. When I’m stressed, I do it more.

I also do motion stims. Often my way of locomotion is more like dancing. This is a little strange, because I don’t otherwise dance. I always feel happy, relaxed, and in control when I do that. When I’m sad or tired, my feet are too heavy for it. I am also very animate with my hands when I talk. When I taught English in Hungary for the first time, the first question I was asked whether all Americans talk with their hands as much as I do. (I don’t think they do. I have it on good authority from at least one American I trust utterly that the way I use my hands is rather unique.)

I have two improvised stim toys for pressure stimming (a scarf for wrapping very tight around limbs, and a butterknife for applying waves of uniform pressure). I also recently found one of those head scratchy thingies, and now I use it every five minutes or so. It’s a little inconvenient with headphones on, but I’m rather creative with it, anyway. I don’t actually like light touch or tickles, but generally the head scratchy thingy can be given enough pressure to provide a substantial stimulus.

April 21: Give a shoutout to some of your favorite autism blogs/autistic bloggers

UM. HMM. Like 10-50% of the people I follow are autistic, but hell if I can remember any of their handles.

I reblog from @nonbinary-hawke and their native issues-related sideblog @finding-my-culture like multiple times a day but I’m pretty sure they kinda just tolerate me? I’m mostly cut off from the actual native community I’m supposed to be part of (the Siberian one), so I try to follow American native issues with kind of a “not my lane but I’m still sympathetic” vibe, and their blogs are most of my way of keeping in touch. But we have a lot of other random things in common too; similar age, similar neurotype, similar fandoms, etc. So I’m pretty much always gonna have a platonic tumblr crush on them, given that and how much I respect their principles.

@autisticadvocacy is ASAN’s official blog, I think, and it’s always posting useful and relevant articles.

@autisticjoy and @autismisaokay are two blogs I’ve followed for most of my time on tumblr. I get the majority of my autism-related content from them.

@autistic-noodle is the first autism-related blog I ever followed! I highly recommend her; if I haven’t unfollowed her after all this time, then that means that they’ve never reblogged anything that’s triggered me, which is pretty darn impressive.

@bogleech is my favorite webcomic artist, which is a vaunted honor coming from someone with ¾ of a special interest in webcomics. I’m not actually sure if he’s autistic, but he posts enough autism-related content to justify being on this list one way or another.

I’ve definitely learned at least one useful thing from @autisticlifehack. What was it? Who knows?

@autistic-flirting is very cute, if not very active.

Shout out to @tikibats and @dreamfriend, who I actually know IRL.

April 22: What are some social rules that do not make sense to you/that you don't understand?

I’m, uh. Actually not sure? I can usually explain stuff if I think hard enough. There’s some stuff I’ve never bothered to figure out, but none of it’s so pressing that I can actually remember it.

Oh! Actually! One night during freshman year of college, I went to the computer lab to do my homework in a not-at-all-revealing bathrobe. I’ve received several explanations on why this was wrong, but I don’t remember any of them.

April 23: Do you have any internal rules? What are they?

LOTS, wow. If I didn’t have them, I wouldn’t have any shred of consistency whatsoever. I am nothing but these rules. Some of them feel more like strong opinions that can be taken or left, like the ones pertaining to writing style, but even those I follow 99% of the time. They range from really foundational moral ones like, “Everything with a mind intrinsically deserves your friendship and understanding,” and, “Every neurotype deserves to exist,” to, “Always wrap code to 80 columns (unless it’s highly nested like Lisp, in which case consider 100 columns),” and, “When mixing fruit flavor tea, always pour the syrup before the tea.” It’s quite the hodgepodge.

April 24: Talk about community. What does the autistic community mean to you? Is it important? How does it feel?

I haven’t had much of a chance to actually participate in any autistic community yet. I don’t even really participate in the tumblr autistic community. It’s just sorta me, my second mom, and a couple random people I get to see occasionally. (Also, my dad, but we don’t talk about my dad.) Most of my friends are neurodivergent in some way, though, so I’m happy with the people I have. (Not that I don’t enjoy hanging around neurotypical people, too. But it feels good to not have to work to make yourself be understood.)

April 25: Do you know any other autistic people off the internet? Is anyone else in your family autistic or are you the only one? Do you wish you knew more?

See yesterday’s answer! I wouldn’t do this if I were doing these day by day, but I’m totally justified here, because it’s literally the previous paragraph.

April 26: In what ways can allistic people better accommodate you and other autistic people? What would you consider helpful?

It’s a broad question. My mom has been getting better at not punishing me for my autistic traits, but the other day she still antagonized me for stimming at the dinner table. (I’m 22. Nearly 23.) So it’d be great if she didn’t do things like that. Not even gonna talk about what my dad could do better. (The ways he does accomodate me seem unintentional.)

Outside of that, I appreciate it when people give me very clearly-worded instructions, broken down into small steps, with every possible detail specified. I appreciate it even more when those instructions are in written form, because I can only remember two or three of those when they’re spoken aloud.

I appreciate it when food places with complex menus have the option to just sit down with the menu, without a time limit, and make up your order. Sandwich and wrap places, like Subway, make me very uncomfortable for reason; Subway has an extremely combinatorically complex menu, and you’re expected to make up your order while they’re making the sandwich. I’d like to spend some time staring at a sheet with each sandwich ingredient listed and explained, and the ways they can be combined, first.

The current switch to online classes has been great for my ability to understand lectures, and terrible for my ability to do classwork and homework. Hearing the lecture through headphones circumvents most of my auditory processing issues, and seeing the lecture slides clearly circumvents most of my attention issues. But when it comes to doing classwork and homework, executive dysfunction rules me. I do wish my executive dysfunction were better accomodated for even in the case of normal classes (and probably careers), but it’s hard to guess what form that would take. I’ve run out of brainpower for good ideas.

For the rest of the month I will do these questions daily, one at a time. Hopefully.

#2020 #30daysofautismacceptance

[lenabloo]

Alright so this is copypasted from my twitter which is why *gestures* the formatting is like it is. also I have no idea how to do a read more on here? I was aces at it on Livejournal, maybe I can figure it out....

Oh! I got it, ok. so anyways this is just a post about how I really struggle with online communication

CW - I’m gonna talk about feeling like I can’t talk? Which I don’t really know how to tag for people, because it’s maybe partially a social anxiety thing and also a rejection sensitive dysphoria thing and probably part depression, so, that’s this thread. I guess.

So, I really struggle with talking to people. People who I don’t know, in person, are kind of exhausting, because of all the facial expressions and social cues and I don’t get why we’re talking about some of what we’re talking about but it’s manageable, I’ve learned how to do it. I struggle with self advocating even for things like getting my hair done, never mind talking to doctors, although I have been pretty lucky as an adult with my psychiatrist and therapist- I’ve accepted that they know my symptoms and not talking won’t help me. Talking with friends and my immediate family is easy and fine, mostly! If we’re in person. The minute that things move to online or over the phone things get very different unless I’ve known a person for years in person.

I don’t know why, but it is very, very hard for me to talk online. I’ve got theories, of course- this has been a thing since I was a teenager, I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure it out, but it’s still here! This block that I can’t get rid of--although I can get around it a little now. It’s this feeling like...like I have no place talking about my life. It feels unnatural to share information about my life and my feelings-probably a little remnant of the ‘strangerdanger’ approach to teaching kids about the internet when I was a kid.

But it’s like, if I talk about my life in any situation where I’m not like, in the midst of very desperate depression/misery, then I’m bad. My brain is convinced that not only would no one care, they would be annoyed by it and hate me for it. There have been enough interactions that have provided my brain with external “proof” of this that even though logically I know I can’t control how other people read me and even though I’ve never felt this way about other people (friends or strangers) talking about their lives--the feeling is persistent.

I feel like I ruin everything when I try to talk to people online. I rely on so many auditory and visual cues to understand other people, even with my processing issues, that when they’re cut away, my brain uses its own feelings about ‘us’ and the way ‘we’ are to come up with an interpretation, usually negative unless the interaction is blatantly positive.

Even though, as stated, I’m aware of the reality, these feelings are so strong and so unpleasant that I just. Don’t talk. I justify it with being more of a listener in IRL situations, but it doesn’t feel like enough to like my online/long distance friends’ posts -and even responding with something like “I hear you” feels simultaneously intrusive, and like it’s not enough, AND like I’m just looking for attention. There’s no winning against the illogical nature of this feeling.

I’ve tried to address this in therapy before, but I always --struggle to articulate it beyond ‘reaching out is hard and so I never do it’. I suppose I can read this thread to my therapist at our next session- she’s been really good about letting me read things that I’ve written before hand, which is often easier and more accurate anyways. Honestly, talking about all of this is really hard - it’s doing the thing to my throat and ear canal that trying not to cry does, even though I don’t feel particularly upset at the moment. Hormonal, yes, stressed and kind of sad, yes, but this isn’t one of those moments--where I’ve needed to be deeply distressed to break though the lock that my brain has on talking.

To be honest, I’m not sure that twitter is really the right ‘medium’ for this - actually, I’m not sure that anywhere has felt right since we all left LiveJournal. On LJ it was a lot easier to do the “talking” thing, even if a lot of the same restrictions still applied, because I never really expected to get a response. I had some friends on LJ, including a few IRL friends, but... I don’t know, I guess knowing that those were the only --people who would likely see it made it easier? I’m not sure.

I might copy this over to tumblr, since technically that’s the better place for this sort of thing, although I made it harder for myself to access tumblr (on purpose) - which I guess is how this ends up being the place-where this gets posted. *shrug*. Anyways. I might delete the twitter app, because although the ADHD content has been excellent lately, most everything else is stressing me out here. So I’ll just be even more inactive that before! *grin* anyways. That’s all.

#cool story arianna

[undiagnosedautismfeels]

Not a Feel

- So lately I've had a few friends and family say that I show some signs of being on the spectrum, including a friend of mine who's on it himself. I've also noticed I do some of that stuff. Any advice on what I should do?

If you decide you want to get diagnosed, speak to your doctor about getting a referral. Bring along with you a list of why you think you’re autistic, and remember that they’ll probably ask you why you want a diagnosis, so think about how it would help you, too.

- Hi! How do I know if I'm experiencing a meltdown or a panic attack?

Hi there! Unfortunately it can be very difficult to differentiate the two, especially as the causes can often be the same. I’d say the main difference is that meltdowns can often involve lashing out/self harming, whereas panic attacks normally don’t. Followers?

- Hearing repeating noises/words (the same sound played over and over, especially in quick succession) really freaks me out and overloads me instantly sometimes, because I have such an association with getting fixated on it and not being able to stop hearing it. That's happened all my life. Is that echologia? It can start out enjoyable, but I get so stuck in it that it starts to drive me nuts.

It sounds more like auditory processing issues, since it sounds as though this is a reaction to sounds coming from an external source

-  Can I be 🌨🦊 (snow fox)

Yes

- Not a feel, but can being autistic effect how a person's gender/gender identity? I'm afab, but I've never really exactly felt like a girl, and I'm starting to question myself. I know I'm not a boy, but I'm not sure I'm a girl, and I'm starting to think I may be agender/non-binary. I remember reading in a book that autistic people can sometimes feel like a "mix of both genders", but I'm not sure if there's any other sources about it. -🍼🐝

It can, yes - at least, autistic people are more likely to be trans/nb and a lot of autistic nonbinary people (i don’t know about binary trans people) say that their autism may be a part of that. There’s a lot of theories about this but the predominant one seems to be since gender is a social construct we don’t always get the rules so we don’t feel like we fit. However, it’s worth remembering that whether or not your particular gender is affected by your autism, it’s still 100% valid, whatever it is.

#not a feel #diagnosis #metldown #panic attack #self harm #echologia #auditory processing #snow fox asks #bottle bee asks #gender #trans

[autistic-bee-blog]

Things I didn't know are related to me being Autistic until I got older:

-Sensory processing issues that affect personal hygiene, clothing, and appearance:

.My sister hates having her hair brushed, because it hurts her scalp

 .I used to go without brushing my teeth because I couldn't stand the sensation

.I couldn't wear jeans as a kid without screaming and being sent into a meltdown

.I have to keep my hair short because I can't stand the feeling on the back of my neck

.My sister has to wash her hair and body over and over to calm down/regulate her sensory issues

-Unusual posture or gait:

.Can look like limping, and did raise comments from my parents ('why are you walking on the outsides of your shoes?' 'I didn't realize I was?')

.Sometimes I have balance issues when I am barefoot, or I feel like I'm walking unevenly because the soles of my feet feel too light

.In terms of posture, I am very rigid and stiff, and I sit and stand very straight (part of this is due to my chronic back pain), and I often look into the distance or up at the ceiling. I might be described as aloof, distracted, pensive, or worried, but it isn't necessarily true. It's just how I sit!

.(My sister is the complete opposite: she hunches over whatever she's doing or looks at her hands.)

-Problems with figurative language (not JUST sarcasm, ughhhh):

.I always had trouble with idioms. Think "The grass is always greener on the other side" (I'm like, "Well, I don't know about greener but technically atmospheric perspective says that the farther in the distance an object is, the bluer it becomes"). Or "You want to have your cake and eat it too" ("Yes, because what would I do with an entire cake if I'm not going to eat it?" This is a ridiculous expression, and I'm never going to change my mind about it.)

.I do have problems with sarcasm sometimes, but that's gotten better as I've aged, and a lot of it has to do with how well I know the person speaking, or if I can read their facial expressions/body language.

-Spatial awareness disabilities, dyslexia, and dyscalculia all have a high comorbid rate with ASD:

.I got nailed with the spatial awareness/visual processing disability and dyscalculia.

.To understand the spatial awareness disability and its extent into my daily life, imagine you are a 4 year old in a bowling alley and you are bowling for the first time. You get a 13-pound ball, and there are no bumpers, and no slide to maneuver the ball with and help aim. Now you have to try and get a strike. For me, the whole world is a bowling alley and tHERE ARE NO BUMPERS

.(I also don't drive largely because of this and limited time in my life at the moment, though I do plan on learning in case it does become necessary.)

.Dyscalculia is sort of like dyslexia, but with numbers and mathematical expressions (it is a thing. It exists, and I didn't know until I was taking pre-calc as a junior in high school and my mom told me about it.)

.For me, it is aggravated by glowing screens and I have a much harder time reading if it is online (which sucks, because now they're putting all the testing and homework online and so me and every other person dealing with this is just internally screaming.) I switch numbers around, delete numbers, and have problems reading graphs (trigonometry was a friggin treat, let me tell you)

.My sister has no spatial awareness issues (as she has demonstrated with her coordination, proclivity for geometric puzzles, Minecraft and other video games that require a certain extent of awareness of what is around you and what will happen if you move this here, etc) She does seem to have some issues with reading and switching letters around and skipping lines, but I don't know if she was ever diagnosed with dyslexia or dyscalculia.

-Poor handwriting, coordination, interpretation of directions:

.My handwriting is....improved from the fifth grade lol.

.It's crooked and sometimes I write outside the margins without meaning to, and some of my letters look like other letters.

.When I was a kid, I had such problems even HOLDING a pencil that they let me type all of my assignments.

.In my American Literature class, the girl next to me was watching me write and she said that I don't slant my pencil, I hold it straight up-down, which seemed to interest her and the teacher. I shrugged it off, but that's part of my handwriting/coordination stuff.

.I am clumsy: I've had trouble opening my pill bottles, drinking beverages without spilling them on myself, and reaching to grab stuff at a distance. It's not very noticeable, and it doesn't really interfere with anything in my daily life.

.I do have trouble with bigger things, like dancing or running, and I had a waiver for my physical education classes as a child for those reasons.

.Interpretation of directions kind of relates to the spatial awareness issues, and it is awful.

.I had a friend try to drive me home once and she ended up being an hour late for dinner with her family. I was so horrified and I avoid accepting rides from anyone that doesn't already know about my issues.

.When I was a kid, I had trouble tying my shoelaces and putting on shoes because I couldn't tell the difference between left and right. That went on until I was 7 or 8, I think.

Anxiety, feeling tired all of the time, and shutdowns:

.I also have an anxiety disorder along with being Autistic, and they "feed" off of each other. So I might already be having trouble speaking or I might be experiencing sensory issues, but then my anxiety will piggyback on those issues and I'll obsess over them until I'm even more stressed out.

.I've had anxiety attacks, panic attacks, and meltdowns, and it can be difficult to tell the difference between them many times. Sometimes a meltdown will evolve into an anxiety attack, or vice versa.

.Due to sensory processing issues, anxiety, other mental health stuff, and the effort it takes to even go about my daily life, and occasionally pass as neurotypical, I do feel tired all the time. I don't really sleep more than average though, and I also deal with insomnia, so my average time sleeping can be from 4-8 hours.

.During a shutdown, I can dissociate, go partially nonverbal, or nonverbal. I will stare into the distance, or at my hands, and feel completely numb. It is a horrible feeling. I don't know how else to describe it.

.I also have problems with trauma-related responses, so those can also add to shutdowns, or mimic shutdowns.

.(People have also pointed out that PTSD can have symptoms that can look like ASD, and vice versa. Think: exaggerated startle response, shutdowns and dissociation, stiff or upright posture, etc. Also there are Autistic people who unfortunately also have PTSD, especially from abuse or bullying which can be related to the bigotry against their Autism and cruel treatment of them by peers, therapists, teachers, parents, and caregivers.)

Auditory processing issues:

.This is so extensive, I can't even put it all down.

.When listening to other people, music, or television, sometimes words begin to sound like SOUNDS and not words. Other times, I can't keep up with processing individual sentences or words and my brain will just blank. Other times, I might think a person said one thing, when they really said a word that sounded similar.

.I ask people to repeat themselves, several times, especially if I don't know them well (I am less likely to be looking at their face/mouth if that is the case too).

.I also watch videos and movies with subtitles.

.My hearing itself is fine, it is only related to my brain processing the words and sounds. The same way my eyes themselves are fine, but I have trouble interpreting directions, sizes, and distances due to the spatial awareness disability.

Synesthesia, perfect pitch, and positive sensory experiences:

.My mom's side of the family is very musical, and so is my younger sister (also on the spectrum). She has perfect pitch, and so does my mother (likely undiagnosed due to limited knowledge of Autism when she was growing up, and due to sexism in the medical and mental health fields)

.We all experience sensory issues, which can be negative, but we also all experience good sensory inputs that other people do not always detect.

.For example, we all experience synesthesia, in different ways. In music, I associate certain notes and pitches with colours, or words. I might hear a song and associate it with the colour turquoise, or I might here a chord and associate it with being "bitter" or poison green.

.My sister and I like to describe the pictures we see listening to music, and it's always funny when one of us says something and then the other goes "Exactly! That's what I was seeing/hearing too!"

.My mom associates certain notes and songs with colours, but she also does so with days of the week, and with people.

.I'm not as musically adept as my mother and sister, but I am into visual arts such as painting, sketching, and sculpting.

.I like to do things in black and white, and then try to "balance" multiple pictures to form a larger piece. I can step back and see blankness, and see what needs to go where to make it feel "complete."

.I also use a lot of colours in some pieces, and I'm very good at discerning multiple shades in one section, even when they are very similar pigments

.My proportions are interesting in that I draw things more elongated than they are, and I might size different things bigger or smaller than they are in real life when I am copying something. I've had art teachers comment on it, and they, interestingly, were always the ones most interested in hearing about my spatial awareness and Autism.

Those are just some of the things I thought I should share. I'm curious to see if any other Autistic people have similar experiences to share (feel free to do so!) As always, this is from my perspective, so every single thing might not ring true for every single person on the spectrum. I hope this is of some use, or at least relatable to other Autistic people, or maybe even insightful for anyone wondering if they might be Autistic.

-

#actually autistic #just some stuff I experience

[theparaminds]

Behind the scenes, there’s little that can make a single song more powerful than true connectivity. Within VACATIONS, this is more than the core of their essence, truly being their force of drive, a friendship unmatched. Though, they know that above all, it is to share this feeling to be connective with all is their ultimate goal. 

Whether it be through their mid-summer personifying lyricism or melodies that define relationship, VACATIONS take the human connection and bring it into an auditory space. They create, above all, a nirvana of honesty and vulnerability that all, regardless of their walk of life, are able to step within. 

And as common with relationship, there is change. VACATIONS know they are developing and unable to stay stagnated within the ideas that brought them thus far. They know that it is through improvement that their connections will grow stronger. They know that to continue resonating with others, they must find more honesty through their music, and thus, a truth within themselves. 

Our first question as always, how’s your day going and how have you been?

Campbell: My day is is going well! Thank you for asking. I’ve been preparing for the US tour and a few other things on the side since the New Year, I’m officially the unofficial band manager of VACATIONS. Always sending out emails, making phone calls, you get the idea.

Jake: It's been okay! Just finished like 11 hours of work so I'm feeling pretty drained but I'm also up to the Spirit Temple in Ocarina of Time, so there is a lot to look forward to.

It seems impossible not to start this without talking a little about how the last year has looked for you, since the release of the album and your ongoing development as artists. What experiences and lessons did you find to have resonated with you the most?

C: All the in-between moments, that downtime you experience going from one show to the next. There have been so many experiences that have happened to us directly from being in this band that I don’t think would have happened otherwise, it makes me eternally grateful and gives me another reason to pursue music for as long as I can.

One example that immediately comes to my mind was after playing this show in Nyon, Switzerland, we got asked by a bunch of fans if we wanted to hang out. They said there was a castle nearby we could break into so naturally, we said yes, after scaling a fence, and surprisingly nothing else, we were treated to the most gorgeous view of Nyon. You could see the entire city lit up, lake Geneva reflecting the full moon, and the Swiss Alps ominously in the distance. Being in that moment with some of my best friends, and new ones, tipsy and buzzed from playing a great show was one of the most beautiful moments I’ve experienced so far.

J: Last year was so so big, I feel like we all did a lot of living in such a short space of time. More touring than ever before, my first time being and playing overseas, our first album. Our first lots of things. I learned that it's okay to do your own thing, and you have to love it and respect it. I learned to love my friends and let them love me back.

But more so, how do you compare your current artistic visions to those you had when you first began as a band and individual artists?

C: I feel as if there’s a brighter horizon because of time and experience. When I started writing music I’d be happy to just have it out there and not give it much thought, I’d simply just move onto the next song and keep trying to build myself as an artist. There wasn’t really a thought process that posed if the song could go with a visual or artwork, or even the intent or meaning behind the song. I work a lot more these days into those kinds of details than I used to and I’m finding myself always learning more.

J: Jeez, starting Vacations, I just wanted to get a show and play to some friends. I don't think I had any real artistic vision until we locked down the current line up and really put our heads together and started feeding off one another and building something we hope is special together.

What were those early influences within your lives pushing you towards a musical path, and what was the moment that it becomes clear as a possible career instead of a hobby?

C: I got an iPod shuffle and an iTunes gift card one Christmas from my Mum and Dad. We gathered around the family computer and installed iTunes and then started browsing the store. I bought a Jamiroquai’s ‘Don’t Give Hate A Chance’ and started singing and dancing around the room, that’s the earliest memory I have towards music.

Fast forward years later, towards my early 20s, and music started becoming viable when ‘Vibes’ was uploaded by fans on YouTube. They were getting thousands of views by the day, which in turn fed into streaming numbers on Spotify which then again, turned into offers to tour overseas and earn enough royalties to start paying off expenses. It was a turning point.

J: I just wanted to be Scott Pilgrim I think? Minus being a manipulative jerky jerk lady killer wannabe. Campbell was definitely all The Talent and I was more than happy just going with the flow. I grew up with parents who loved music, but I didn't know how to interact with it as a musician and not a fan, and it's taken me a long time to get somewhere I'm comfortable with. When people online started finding our music and the streaming numbers began to skyrocket it was like "damn this is something people out there really care about?" I don't think it was until then that I considered being able to do this as anything more than a passion project.

Looking forward to this year, what in your minds is the greatest goal that needs to be accomplished? What is it that you’ve set out as the key target with what you’re doing and releasing?

C: To feel fulfilled artistically, always.

J: I want to blow up. Like, get really big.

With your upcoming work, do you hope to continue the same creative vision you’ve built over the last years, or are you more inclined to subvert much of what’s become expected of you?

C: Both. There’ll always be those ideas that make everything we do inherently VACATIONS. However, we’ve grown so much as individuals, and as a group over the years. Naturally, we experiment and try new ideas, see how it mixes back with what we would do traditionally and go from there. It's something old, something new. We’re always growing as people and I believe everything we do reflects that in one way or another.

J: I don't think we're at intentionally subverting expectations yet, but it's more interesting to be trying new things in a similar vein, to me at least. I'd probably look at it as 'expanding' the creative vision we have built.

In that pursuit to evolve and adapt though, do you find newfound fears and anxieties unfelt prior, and how are learning to overcome them if so?

C: That’s an interesting question, to be blunt and very honest, I actually started to see a therapist towards the end of last year after most of our touring was over. I found myself in what felt like scripted conversations between fans, friends, and even family, on and off tour. Touring itself was extremely stressful and tiresome, mentally and physically at times, and I was shifting between several houses back home. All this culminated into feelings of isolation and social anxiety, which gave way to some depressive episodes.

Accepting my mental health issues as real ongoing problems, and not disregarding them as passing phases, has been helpful. I’ve become more aware and insightful of myself and I’m still learning different strategies and coping mechanisms to maintain my mental health. Opening up and talking to people about it has played a major role as well, asides from my psych, there are few key people in my life (you know who you are if you’re reading this) who are also within my support network, people I can rely on and don’t hesitate to talk about anything with.

J: I still have near panic attacks before playing, and moving to bigger and bigger stages is a bit of a struggle for me. Once I'm up there it all slips away but. I think now that there's a kind of fan base or community we have made there is a sense of expectations on us now but? Whereas operating in unknown anonymity has a sense of safety to it? So that's new.

In the coming months, you have more live shows coming up, which kinda poses the question of how you’ve found yourself growing in that side of your musicianship as time and experience has come to you more?

C: I’ve become more confident on stage compared to where I started. I used to be stiff and not say much but now banter comes more naturally and I dance around a lot on stage. My favorite thing to do with crowds at the moment is to ask them to pose for a ‘family photo’, I’ll then quickly take a shot on my film camera. People love rushing in and getting close just to make sure they get in frame. I feel like it takes the spotlight off us for a moment and places it onto the audience, you’re giving them something they can take away from your show and feel ownership of. I’ve also been combing rhythm and lead elements into my guitar playing over time by not neglecting my pinky as much as I used to, essentially playing ‘two parts at once’. I’ll be playing a melody with my pinky while the rest of my fingers are holding down a chord, it opened up a lot of possibilities.

J: I think we have all learned to relax a bit more on stage, and get better at working off each other and the crowd. We had a huge talk after one not so great show about how even if the audience doesn't seem to be feeling it or whatever, we have to still give it our all and not let it brings us down. I haven't played a show I felt was bad since.

While to many difficult to specify, what in your minds are the best live shows you’ve ever been to, and what about them really spoke to you as individuals?

C: Weezer playing their greatest hits followed by the Blue Album from start to finish will always hold a special place in my young heart. They meant a lot to me growing up and had an immense influence on me so seeing that show was really special.

J: Without getting into specifics, the best live shows for me are always the ones where the artists really seem to be enjoying themselves, where they feed off the crowd and are seem genuinely grateful to be there and to be appreciated. That's how I'm trying to be.

As well, if you could play a single live show anywhere on the planet, in a situation where money and the limitations of the world itself weren’t existent, where would you play and for what reason?

C: Somewhere under the sea, that’d be really beautiful.

J: Vacations Shut Down the Vatican could be cool if they ever start up shows again? In all honesty, I'd love to play in an abandoned old cinema or a mansion and just turn it into some huge party with all my best friends. Nothing TOO crazy.

And to wrap up, if you could recommend a single movie to everyone reading this, which would you encourage them to watch?

C: The last movie I saw was Roma on Netflix a few days ago, I don’t want to spoil much but it’s absolutely gorgeous to watch.

J: Brick by Rian Johnson. I never get to talk to anyone about this one and I love it. Simple as that. It's a neo-noir set in an American high school starring baby Joseph Gordon-Levitt. It's ridiculous and over the top and I love it.

Do you have anyone to shout out or anything to promote? The floor is yours!

C: No-Fi and Banshee are two collectives made up of artists and musicians from my hometown. They both do great work and it’d mean the world to me if you gave either of them a look!

J: I wanna give a quick shout out to Christina Applegate

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Photos by Charlie Hardy

[cynicalsonya]

Auditory Processing Disorder, Doctor Strange and Thor

I’m a self-diagnosed person. Before I began exploring my issues, I might have been doubtful someone could self diagnose autism or APD. My APD is actually one of my easiest issues to explain and validate.

So I was watching Doctor Strange on netflix. I saw it in theaters, but this is the first time I saw it with captions. It blew me away how much I had no idea was being said.

I don’t always notice when I miss or misunderstand words. Let’s take the end credits scene with Thor. It’s a pretty compact scene for an example. The first time through, I knew Thor and Doctor Strange were talking, Thor didn’t like tea and Doc S wanted to get rid of Loki, and something was up with Odin. With captions, I realize I missed that Thor and Loki were in New York, together. That they were looking for Odin and that Doc S had a list of threats with Loki on it. The phrase “Worthy Inclusion” that Thor said, I totally didn’t catch.

When I was watching this months ago, I had no idea there was anything I missed. I thought I understood it.

Obviously, this doesn’t just happen watching and listening to movies.

Sometimes I know I missed something someone said, and I’ll ask them to repeat it. If they’re more clear, slow, and careful, I’ll usually get it. But communicating with me can be frustrating. Sometimes someone will say something and I won’t notice. At all. Other times I ask for things to be repeated multiple times.

I used to think there was something wrong with my hearing. I even had it tested, but it was fine. I thought maybe it was something the test couldn’t catch, because I knew I had a problem with my hearing.

Turns out my hearing is fine. I was having the wrong thing tested. I have trouble processing auditory information. I don’t even always know when I’m having a problem, because it’s just so normal for me. It’s like missing a sign on a highway. If you didn’t see it, you don’t know that it was there and that you missed it.

With family and loved ones, they generally understand, and will repeat if I seem confused or oblivious (my mother excluded -she thinks I’m annoying). But for people who don’t know me as well, it can be difficult to get used to. It makes it hard to make friends, do phone calls, and a lot of other tiny things that just make my life more difficult.

I have never been officially diagnosed, but believe me, I can tell I have APD and if you try talking to me, you’ll know it too.

I’m not bothered to have APD. It’s how I’ve always been. It’s just being me. Give me some captions, and patient people and my life is pretty good and understandable.

#autism #actuallyautistic #aspergers #auditory processing disorder

[autisticawesomeness-archive-blog]

You’ve heard of Autistic!Matt Murdock, now get ready for…

Autistic!Foggy Nelson

(No I haven’t finished the show, not even the first season, and no I haven’t read the comics - aside from a bit from the Waid run - so it would probably be best to just consider this an AU rather than a headcanon but I’m STILL WRITING IT DOWN) (under the cut because Long)

He was that autistic who’s DESPERATE for social contact but really shitty at making it.    - He tried but he was alsways either too much or too little for the other kids, and he ended up watching wistfully as they played together.    - But he was determined to make friends and stared really closely and noticed their patterns, noticed how they behaved, and spent HOURS in his room trying to mimick their behaviour.    - And, in the end, it worked. He managed to copy neurotypical behaviour so perfectly that, by the time he graduated to high school, you could barely tell the difference.    - barely    - Sometimes, people noticed that something was… off about him.    - He laughed too hard too late at some jokes    - He said something rude then seemed surprised when you were     offended    - He sometimes didn’t seem to get his own joke    - He didn’t seem to understand the concept of whispering    - All in all, he passed just fine; but though he was a funny, smart guy, and generally fun to be around, people rarely got close to him because of that lingering strangeness. So he ended up with a lot of         aquiantences and no real friends.    - Until Law School and Matt, that is.

He’s always had a ridiculously expressive bodylanguage, with a lot of arm movements and impressions of people.

He doesn’t realize how loud he is 95% of the time

Sarcasm is his jam, man. He could talk the whole day in nothing but sarcasm. However, if you aren’t obvious with your sarcasm tone, he it will fly right over his head (what are you talking about I’m not projecting you’re projecting).

Half of the things other people take as jokes weren’t actually jokes. He was just making a very blunt statement and people took it as a joke. He usually just rolls with it because he likes to make people laugh (NO YOU’RE PROJECTING)

How good he is at passing fluxtuates from day to day, depending on his mood, how well he slept, etc.

This also affects his processing abilities. Sometimes, he is as sharp as a razor-tongued shark lawyer, other times he needs ten seconds before he gets that someone just said ‘hi’ to him.

Generally, though, he’s sharp as fuck.

He used to stim a lot as a kid, mostly auditory stims and low-key body stims.      - For example, he listened to the same song over and over again, either by playing it or by singing it himself. He still does this,  sometimes, when nobody is around (Karen caught him doing it once, during the after-hours scene where Foggy demanded that she told him how amazing he sounded. He was freaking the fuck out at the time and tried to avoid the situations by using humor, as you do).      - He also really liked humming, which he also still does.      - He did the handflapping 24/7, but unlearnt that once he noticed that the other kids hated it.      - He also likes knocking on wooden tables A LOT, but doesn’t do that often anymore because it anoys other people. He sometimes  indulges himself when he’s had a hard day and he’s home alone, though.

In case you hadn’t noticed yet, dude’s dealing with A LOT of internalized ableism.

The teachers in high school were infuriated with him, not because he was a troublemaker or anything, but because his grades were awful when they knew he was smart. So they assumed that he was just lazy, and hated him for it.      - In reality, Foggy had trouble understanding how things were     explained to neurotypicals. When the teacher asked ‘Does everyone get it?’ he didn’t dare say that he didn’t, however, because the few times he had, the teacher ended up repeating the explenation five times before saying ‘Mr. Nelson, now you’re just pretending to be obtuse’, while in reality, he just didn’t get it.      - He ended up developing his own way of studying called ‘research   every subject to death until you get it’      - This fucked him over in high school because there simply wasn’t the time, but in college, these research skills turned out to be a blessing because holy shit, he needed to research a LOT all of a sudden.

Because of his bad grades, he first went to community college. He did so well there that he managed to transfer to Colombia afterwards for Law School.

He was simaltaneously really looking forward to having a roommate and really scared. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to pretend to be ‘normal’ for every day all day long, and having a roommate would require that (he thought). But at the same time, a roommate meant the change to really make friends with someone for the first time in his life, so he was also hopeful.

Foggy was secretly and guiltily relieved that his new roommate was blind, because it meant that he could get away with not looking him into the eyes and letting his bodylanguage and stimming go a little.

Of course, he didn’t know it was stimming at the time. It wasn’t until waaaay after Law School that he got diagnosed.       - Boy oh howdy, that’s an interesting story.       - You see, Matt, being Matt ‘Supersenses’ Murdock, has sensory processing issues that Foggy noticed right away because #relatable. He didn’t know that they were called sensory processing issues or sensory overloads, however, until some temporary girlfriend who was studying psychology told him about them, mainly because she’d met Matt and suspected him of being autistic because of those sensory processing issues.       - So then he was like ‘ok so I know nothing about autism better research this shit’       - And then as he researched it he just kinda went ‘well fuck. that sounds like me’       - And then, because internalized ableism, he went FULL DENIAL MODE       - ‘No I can’t have autism because I have expressive body language’       - ‘No I can’t have autism because I like sarcasm’       - ‘No I can’t have autism because I just can’t’       - He also never did tell Matt that his girlfriend suspected that he was one the spectrum, and soon after, they broke up anyway, so he banished all thoughts about autism from his mind.       - You know what happened that finally convinced him to get himself tested?       - Karen Motherfucking Page and Claire ‘Take No Shit’ Temple       - Karen brought it up first, because she started noticing little things   like the ones previously discussed, and she happened to have some knowledge of autism, so after months of debating whether or not it was a good idea she pulled him aside and was like ‘maybe get tested’       - ‘Nah I have X thing I can’t be autistic’       - ‘…You know you don’t have to have all the symptoms to be autistic, right?’       - ‘C’mon, Karen. Me, autistic? I’m a social butterfly.’       - Karen, seeing this is fruitless: ‘Just… think about it.’       - So Karen planted the first seed of real doubt in his mind, but he did his best to bash it in.       - Claire figured it out faster because a) She saw him at his worst, when his normal routine had just collapsed on top of him and he   had just figured out that his friend wasn’t who he said he was, and let’s just say that passing wasn’t his top priority at the time and b) she’s awesome, has a lot of functioning knowledge of autism (bc of a family member that I headcanon as autistic shut up I can do what I want), so noticed the signs.       - She legitimately thought he was diagnosed, so she just casually slipped it into the conversation.       - ‘And I mean, you’re autistic, so I guess that dealing with this unpredictable bullshit would extra hard for you -’       - ‘I don’t have autism.’       - ‘You don’t - ah, undiagnosed. Here, have a number of a good therapist/doctor/whoever diagnoses you in America that (hates ABA and) is capable of diagnosing people, give her a call.’       - And because you don’t say no to Claire Temple and also because she was the SECOND person in a month to peg him as autistic, he goes.

And then, post-season two, when he had his falling out with Matt, BOOM, diagnosed.

At first, he wants to spring in full denial mode again, until he realized ‘this is a medical professional. She knows what she’s doing. You’ve had the suspicion for years. Karen had the suspicion. Claire had the suspicion. You have it, buddy’.

So he drinks himself to unconsciousness at Josie’s.

Once he gets over the initial panic of being diagnosed, he starts thinking more rationally. He researches as much as possible about autism. He finds other people with it. He reads up on positivity and the different types of therapies (that kind of leaves him enraged, by the way). He talks to his therapist. He works through it in a healthy way, with only the occassional bout of coma-drinking.

But he doesn’t really tell anyone. Can never find the right moment, can never bring up the subject, just… doesn’t. It takes him months to work through this mental block and rush out to Karen ‘ohbythewayI’mautistic’. 

She’s so proud of him, and her positive reaction helps him tell his parents and other family.    - His parents go into full denial mode, too, at least for a couple of years, before they finally accept that he’s, indeed, autistic. Foggy never blames them, but it does hurt him.

This all happens during the falling out with Matt, so he doesn’t know. Even when they make up Foggy doesn’t tell. He just kinda… forgot. Then he casually throws it into a conversation and Matt of course freaks the fuck out like ‘when the HELL did you get diagnosed? how long did you know? did you keep this from me?’ and Foggy’s like ‘whoops hahaha’    - Matt is understandably Not Happy.    - ‘What the hell, Foggy? What happened to not keeping secrets from each other?’    - ‘Matt, I just forgot, chill. Anyway, this is totally different from your secret.’     - ‘No it isn’t. This is an important part of who you are, just like Daredevil is for me.’     - ‘Well, a) Daredevil is a lifestyle choice and autism isn’t, b) yeah okay you’re right sorry I should’ve told you, and c) I’m still the same person, you know? I’ve always had autism, it’s not like I’m gonna act differently now that I’m diagnosed.’

Matt, by the way, is kind of shitty about the whole situation. Dude’s working with a lot of internalized ableism on his part, and he also knows nothing about autism except for the stereotypes, so things are awkward for a while before Matt gets his shit together.

So this kind of got away from me but I’m just. So in love with this idea. Not sorry.

#Autistic Headcanon #acm2017 #Daredevil #listen I love him he's the only reason I continue watching this show in the first place #Foggy Nelson

[scriptautistic]

Masterpost: Eye Contact

Perhaps the most immediately recognizable trait that most autistic people have is difficulty with eye contact. It’s one of the first signs doctors use to look for autism in young children, before language skills would be expected to develop, and it lasts throughout our lives. Like all of these traits, it’s important to understand this issue from the point of view of your autistic character. (And also like every trait, it’s important to remember that everyone is different, and there are autistic people out there who naturally make eye contact in the typical way and for whom the info in this post does not apply.) Many autistic people have difficulty explaining why they have a problem with eye contact. First and foremost, it does not come naturally. There is no instinct to look someone in the eye while engaging them in conversation. Mod Cat says: “I don’t actually know how to make eye contact. I can’t look at both eyes at the same time. Which eye am I supposed to look at? How do I choose? Do I change periodically? The funny thing is, I didn’t even notice this difficulty before I was about 17, which says a lot about how often I do make eye contact.” There are autistic adults who seem to make eye contact normally (or almost normally), but this is something learned and trained through repetition. Also, for many of us, most of the time it’s faked. Faked? Fake eye contact? Yes, you read that correctly. Making real eye contact is actually not nearly as necessary as you might think. There is an area around your eyes we can use as a fakeout zone. If someone is looking within this area, it will look to you like they’re looking you in the eye. Mod Aira says: “I had exactly the same issue as Cat regarding eye contact. People were always telling me to ‘look them in the eye’ while I was talking to them, but that was an illogical statement. Which eye? I can’t look in both! No one ever explained it, and I couldn’t figure out how to ask. Whenever I tried, I was accused of being sarcastic and rude, which confused me a great deal. Finally, when I was in my twenties, one person recognized that I was autistic and took the time to explain to me how typical eye contact works. She told me you pick one eye and look at that, then switch now and then. When I found that this made me incredibly uncomfortable and was even painful, she instead taught me how to fake it.” Try it sometime. Sit with a friend (as many of us have done during our lives) and test out different areas. Have the friend raise their hand when they think you’re looking them in the eye. You might be surprised just how far away your eyeline can be before it becomes noticeable. This is how Mod Aira personally manages eye contact. “As an accommodation to those around me who are not autistic, I do my best to give the illusion of eye contact whenever possible. I know that a lack of eye contact is uncomfortable for them.” This is something else to note for your characters: autistic people generally spend a lot of time thinking about how they affect those around them, out of necessity as well as empathy. So there you have the how of eye contact - what about the why? What is it that makes eye contact so difficult for autistic people, to the point where we have to fake it? There are a few reasons and, as with everything else, each person has a different combination of these. It’s scary. When we look in someone’s eyes, we are overwhelmed. It can feel like their eyes are about to suck you in. It can also feel like they are staring directly into your soul. Since so many of us are incredibly sensitive and hyper-empathetic, we feel an intense discomfort from knowing that someone is looking directly into our eyes. We can be afraid of what they see there. We can get an overwhelming feeling that they will find something wrong, some mistake, some secret. It feels like a massive invasion of privacy, like they’re staring at you naked. It’s painful. As a part of physical hypersensitivity, there is an incredible amount of information to be found in someone’s eyes. All those little details can hurt to look at, as our brains struggle to keep up with the constant flow of tiny changes. The pain can be physical, like a piercing feeling behind the eyes, a headache, or a feeling like there’s electricity zapping you from inside your head. It’s awful. It’s distracting. Processing information can be difficult and take a lot of time, and it takes energy to process visual or auditory information. Since conversations are difficult for us in many ways, we really need to focus all our energy on listening to and understanding what the other person is saying. If we’re focusing on remembering to make eye contact (which, remember, doesn’t come naturally), it means we’re paying less attention to what the person is actually saying. Processing both the visual and auditory information takes so long that we can’t keep up with the conversation. Very often, we have to choose between listening and appearing to be listening. Interestingly, some of us find that it’s more effective socially to focus on eye contact while pretending to listen. Mod Aira says: “I have to choose between listening and appearing to be listening. I would prefer to actually listen, but processing speech is incredibly difficult for me. To really listen and understand, I have to either close my eyes and focus all my energy on listening, or look at your mouth and watch your lips move, which helps me understand the words you’re saying. I’m a primarily visual thinker, so looking at someone’s lips really helps a lot. But I’ve found that allistic people don’t like this. Even if I assure them that I’m paying attention, they think I’m being rude or not listening. Often they will simply stop talking, convinced I’m not listening anyway. On the other hand, if I focus on eye contact, I can only really process the tone of what you’re saying, and some of the words. But when I do this, look between someone’s eyes and nod when they do, laugh when they do, respond to their tone as well as I can, I find that people accept this positively. Even if I don’t remember anything they said, they still think I was paying attention. It’s very frustrating.” An autistic person might try to explain this to close friends and family in the hopes that they can ignore eye contact without accusations of “not paying attention.” Sometimes this works, and when it does, it’s a massive relief. To be able to carry on a conversation without worrying about eye contact at all lifts a huge burden. Sometimes, however, it doesn’t work. Many people demand that the autistic person “put in the effort” to appear normal and accommodate those around them, or accuse them of using their autism as an “excuse” to be “lazy” and “rude”. There will be more on reactions like this in another post. On the other hand, not everyone has the luxury of even trying to explain themselves in this way. They might not know they are autistic (in which case they’re probably constantly confused by social interactions and why people seem to get upset for no reason). They might know they’re autistic but not have an official diagnosis, and be afraid of being told they’re a hypochondriac, lying, or making it up for attention (something that happens a lot). They might simply be afraid of how people will treat them if they find out they’re autistic, and often, there is good reason to fear. In circumstances like these, the person is probably trying their best to succeed at social interactions, but frequently getting bad reactions from people who think they’re rude, selfish, aloof, not paying attention, etc. When you write your autistic character(s), you have the freedom to mix and match from this list. Maybe they are afraid of eye contact but don’t know why. Or maybe it hurts, and they know exactly why. Or maybe they have no trouble with eye contact. Maybe they fake it, maybe they endure and do it for real, or maybe they rebel against society’s expectations and don’t bother at all. You have a lot of freedom here. Happy writing!

#masterpost #eye contact

[jadeimpala67]

Around this time every year, I get very depressed. It's been a thing for as long as I could remember, and usually got worse every year. I can't even remember how many times ive tried to end my life around this time of year.

I've always blamed it on seasonal depression. Told people it's the cold, or that I get this way when I'm tired and I have a hard time sleeping in the cold. I mean it's true, but it's not the whole truth.

The holidays remind me of the family I've lost, and of the family I've cut myself off from; both blood and friends. I see commercials and ads that start to pertainin heavily to family and friends. Ive even seen more ads talking about depression and the importance of reaching out... So every year I try. I reach out, I'll put hits on my social media or sometimes if it gets really bad, I'll be blunt and say I'm not okay and I need help. Crickets. Every time.

Last year, during another bought, my first holiday season after being homeless and my first holidays where I didn't live with family. I relapsed in basically everything, and then some and lost three more friends. I decided that if I couldn't end my life, I'd disappear off the face of the Earth. I had everything planned and was just trying to save enough money to book a train to NYC. I figured I already hit rock bottom in CT, what's the difference in New York? Obviously that never ended up happening.

This year, I'm still depressed, but it's easy to redirect my thoughts. And here's why.

This year, I have my own room; something I haven't had in 5 years.

This year, I have my own real bed; havent had in 4 years.

I have food at my disposal; 2 + years

I have a roommate who, even though we have a hard time understanding each other (conflicting speech patterns, and I have auditory processing issues on top of it), keeps me updated on ALL of our bills, and tells me if something is more expensive than it should be.

She doesn't hound, bother, nag, pester, or make me feel bad if I don't have the energy to do ANYTHING productive today. She doesn't bother me if I don't do anything productive for a week. She does it herself and doesn't make me feel bad for it. And I pay her the same respect.

She helped me budget my paychecks enough to where I can use my credit cards for everything and pay a partial bill twice a month. So she uses her money to pay the big bills and what she needs, and I buy everything the house needs.

Now we've ALL got real beds. I've got a shelf and closet space. Her kids love me, and we all watch TV and go to the diner down the street together.

I'm actually starting to feel like a person again. I mean, I'm still incredibly lonely, but now that I have my own space to heal and grow in ways I've never been able to, maybe I can re-learn how to make friends and interact with people like a typical person can. It's easy to pull my head from the water thinking about this.

You may be the type to read stories about life getting better and think, "that doesn't apply to me. My life is hell, there's no way this gets better."

It does. In weird ways, when you're not paying attention, it does. It may take years, but it's honestly so worth the wait.

Don't let people guilt you into staying alive for them. It's not about them. It's not about your friends, family, job, lovers. It's about you. If you make a good excuse/reason to stay alive for yourself, you'll only see results.

I look at my room now, and I cry because I never thought I'd have this again. 2 years of bouncing home to home to home, being worried about when the other shoe was gonna drop, when I'd overstay my welcome, where I'd go next, where I'd put what little I had, and not once did it occur to me that I'd ever have this again.

I cry making my bed because I get so overwhelmed with gratitude for even owning one.

Please stay. Please set that one goal. Please hold on to every excuse you can think of to stay, because I'm telling you... This feeling is amazing. Getting your life back after abuse, anxiety, and toxic people destroyed it is better than any feeling you'll ever experience. Please stay so you can feel it too

#mental health #important #personal #homelessness #please stay

[sam-aiya]

So, apparently, when I leave for Europe in two weeks, so many people from my dad’s side of the family want to meet me. Not because of me personally. Because of my job. So let me clarify that I am way, WAY more than just a job with long hours, shit pay, and borderline chronic discomfort and exhaustion. I make costumes, and cosplay. Many many people I’ve met at conventions have stopped me to ask for photos of me because they like my cosplays. I’m a former Girl Scout, and some of the happiest memories I have are through Stanford Lake camps and Camporee. I’m a pretty good baker, and I love making food for the people I care about. I have severe depression and it fucking sucks. I’ve always had a negative self image and it fucking sucks. I’m a very kind person and people abuse the hell out of it, but I worked up a lot of strength and cut two incredibly toxic people out of my life for good this year, and it took a lot of courage and anxiety and I’m quite proud of myself even though the voices telling me I made a mistake by doing so are so much louder. I used to dance, but some of my old teachers treated me like fucking garbage, so I decided to stop due to my relapse in depression making me unmotivated and their words kept haunting me. I have a huge obsession with a whole lot of fandoms, Pokémon being my biggest source of happiness. I met Sarah Natochenny, the voice actor for Ash, a little less than a year ago, which was something I had dreamed of doing ever since I reentered the Pokémon fandom. I make really crappy memes and bad jokes because fuck it, why not? I’m biromantic and asexual, and let me tell you it’s quite hard to date someone who is cool with not having sex. I have a few awesome friends in my life, I can tell you about them. I’m thinking of becoming a voice actor if my depression gets controlled and I can get the strength to actually do something with it. I go to school at CSUF, and I wanna drop out because my auditory processing disorder is kicking my ass. Oh, you didn’t know I have ADP? Well I was diagnosed when I was three, but instead of doing special ed, my parents put me in therapy to try and make it less of an issue. But college is kicking my ass and triggering my ADP to the extremes. But if I decide to stay, I’m gonna do an education major, hopefully to be a third or fourth grade teacher, and I could use what I learned in Girl Scouts and my previous work with kids to reach any future student I may have. See, look at this! I’m so much more than a job I absolutely hate but can’t quit because I don’t wanna become an even bigger financial burden on my parents. I’m much more than the giant heads I put on to meet screaming little shitheads and moronic parents. So no, to whomever I may meet for the first time when I go to Europe, I don’t wanna share stories about my job, and if that’s all you want to know about me, you can kindly fuck off

#personal #pls dont reblog #but replies are ok #im just fucking pissed and i cant share it on facebook because i have family friended on it lmao #but i might later who knows

[dailyaudiobible]

05/02/2017 DAB Transcript

Judges 15:1-16:31 ~ John 2:1-25 ~ Psalm 103:1-22 ~ Proverbs 14:17-19

Today is the 2nd day of May.  Welcome to the Daily Audio Bible.  I'm Brian.  It is great to be here with you today.  I have been saying April, like April 2nd all day and I’ve realized I'm just trying to move into this month.  I have to get all my stuff out of the last month and I need to carry it forward and leave the stuff behind me that I won't be needing this month.  And we should all do that.  We’re moving into this new month, so we’ll read from the May 2nd portion of scripture which is us continuing in the story of Samson in the book of Judges, so we’re reading from the Holman Christian Standard Bible this week, Judges chapter 15, verse 1 through 16, verse 31.  

Prayer

Father, thank you for your word.  Thank you for the beautiful psalms that we can continually go to that just speak all the issues of the heart.  Even in today's psalm all we can do is mimic those words – our souls praise you.  All that is within us praises your holy name. Our soul praises you.  And we do not forget all of the benefits of this relationship.  You forgive our sins.  You heal our diseases.  You redeem our lives from the pit.  You crown us with faithful love and compassion.  You satisfy us with goodness.  Our youth is renewed like the eagle.  You have not given us what we deserve.  As high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is your faithful love toward those who fear you.  As far is the east is from the west, that is how far you have removed our sins from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so you have compassion on us because you know what we are made of.  So we thank you, Father.  We worship you because these are things we could never do for ourselves.  Yet you have gifted them to us because you love us.  And we love you, so we invite you anew, fresh, again.  Come Holy Spirit.  Come within.  Well up within us and lead and guide our steps today, we ask.  In Jesus’ name, amen.  

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And that's it for today.  I'm Brian. I love you and I will be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer Requests and Praise Reports

Hi.  This is Pam. I can actually go by Humbled, Broken, and Contrite.  This is my first time calling and I just want to say thank you to all of you.  You guys are just an amazing group of people that reach out to each other and I'm very appreciative to be part of it.  I have a prayer request for my son Randy.  He has 7 children.  He's a godly man.  He is going to have open heart surgery again.  They are going to put a pacemaker in and he needs your prayers.  God is able and he is so good to us and so I'm just asking that you please pray for him for his financial need as well as his health.  And I thank you for it.  What I want to do is actually say to everyone we have to remember that we are in war here and as a family of believers there are so many of you reaching out and it breaks my heart so I pray for you every day.  And I thank you that you’re reaching out, but we have to remember that we truly are in war.  In James it says submit yourselves then to God, resist the devil and he will flee from you.  That submit is a military term used and it is to fall back into line and if you think about war, we are marching in battle with each other and when one falls down in the muck and the mud or they are shot and they are wounded, we pick up each other and we move forward because our commander and chief, God has a plan and we’re moving toward that plan and we believe...  

Hi, hello everyone.  I'm a 1-year listener, first-time caller.  I’ve been putting this off for a long time simply because I thought it would be awkward or I will be very shy, but I feel very led to do this today.  First of all, thank you Brian for this great ministry at all.  It really, really provides a routine for me.  I’ve always wanted to study the undiluted word of God, not other people's messages, interpretations, but God's word, you know?  I'm an auditory learner.  I found that out late in life and then I just realized that this is really working for me, so God bless you.  God bless your wife.  This is a great ministry and you’re literally changing lives.  I don’t fall off to sleep anymore on the word of God.  I'm really calling to thank the lady who declared a fast for marriages.  My marriage has been in trouble for the last few years and I’ve learned a lot listening to the Daily Audio Bible.  I’ve realized that I'm not alone, that many are going through infidelity like I have and during this fast, a lady called and she said that the word God gave her was to be obedient, to forgive, and be a godly woman and this is my prayer request for today as I continue to pray this over myself and over the marriages of people on this platform.  I ask that you pray for me to continue to be obedient, forgive my husband for the many wrongs that I feel he has done me, and to be a godly woman and just to listen to God daily and do what he tells me to do and I believe my marriage will be healed. Thank you and this is Bee from Athens, Greece.    

Hello from beautiful Cincinnati, OH.  This is Daniel Johnson, Jr.  It's been a long time since I’ve called and I really wish I was calling about something happy today.  I just learned that my stepsister who lived in Columbus, OH has died of an overdose. I only recently learned that she had a problem.  Her brother has been dealing with cancer this year and there has been a lot of stuff going on with my family.  Please pray for  my family and for my stepmother and her kids.  We’re finding out they just lost their child and I don’t even know how to process this right now.  I'm going through some things at church about grief and recovery in general and I never thought that I would be needing to process this so soon.  Thank you so much guys, brothers and sisters.  God bless.  From beautiful Cincinnati, OH, we can still make it a great day.    

Hey family.  It's Jordan from Michigan.  Been a couple weeks but I am calling in today which I'm excited about.  I'm back on my 60-day challenge.  Believe I'm on day 46, so today I'm grateful for Jesus giving me the ability to forgive.  It is something I always thought I had, but recently I’ve been seeing little bits of unforgiveness in my life.  So whenever somebody wrongs me I pray for that person and I pray that they will be blessed and that I will be able to forgive and forget the wrong that they have done to me.  It helps me so much at my job, in my interactions with my friends and just in my life in general.  I want to pray St. Francis’ prayer for peace.  Lord, make me a channel of your peace, that where there is hatred I may bring love, where there is wrong I may bring a spirit of forgiveness, where there is discord I may bring harmony, where there is error I may bring truth, where there is doubt I may bring faith, where there is despair I may bring hope, where there are shadows I may bring light, where there is sadness I may bring joy. Lord, grant that I may seek first to forgive than to be forgiven, to understand than to be understood, to love than to be loved for it is by forgetting the self that one finds, it is by forgiving that one is forgiven, it is by dying that one finds eternal life. Amen.  

Hi, I just wanted to call.  I'm not going to tell you guys who I am because it's not really important who I am because God knows who I am and I feel a burden on my heart to tell everyone to really search for places within us that we need to seek not only forgiveness but to forgive others.  I say that because after I became a Christian sometimes I would think about how God had forgiven me and how wonderful it was.  And it was almost like the enemy would come and say, “Yeah, but do you remember when you did this?”  And I struggled with that for so long and I realized that there was someone I had not forgiven and that was me.  I had not forgiven myself for the things I had done.  I feel that I am a better person spiritually after being able to forgive myself for what I’ve done.  And I’ve also had to go and try to forgive church hurts, ways that I’ve been hurt by people in the church.  I know people, they mean well sometimes, but there were some times that I have been hurt by people in the church and that is what I'm working on to forgive now, those hurts.  And I'm just thinking I can’t be alone in feeling like I have hurts I still need to deal with, so I just want to tell you guys forgive those that you need to forgive, but don’t forget to forgive yourself for things that we’ve done and people within the church.  Thank you. Bye-bye.