#I’ve always been able to see myself in

[jemmo]

you’re telling me p’aof gave us a first kiss on a rooftop AGAIN and i can’t watch it until tonight?!!???!!!

#I’m literally dying #I looked at my YouTube just as I was leaving work and literally gasped out loud to myself #and then spoilers be damned I just had to watch the end of the last part bc I needed to see it I couldn’t wait that long and definitely #wouldn’t have been able to avoid spoilers #and Jesus Christ I was screaming inside while stood at the bus stop in the cold #something tells me I’m gonna lose my mind even more with context like I’ve heard rumblings of an August kiss????!!!!! #oh damn why do the juicy episodes always come out on Fridays when I’m doing something #literally losing my mind until I can watch it #last twilight

[8rujaa]

my therapist really saved me….

#tw abuse // tw sa #i can’t sleep bc i keep thinking about this. #like i probably would’ve not been here if it weren’t for her #i started seeing her january of 2023… my life has changed entirely since then and she was definitely the one who got the ball rolling #literally so much has changed since then and it’s all because of her #i was so dissociated during our first few sessions #thanks to her i was able to get diagnosed and medicated for adhd. i was able to realize i was in an abusive situation and plan a way out #i was able to focus on myself and my healing and she’s helped me reframe so much of my negative thinking #i was able to process a lot of emotions and become a better version of myself with each session #she’s truly incredible. #i remember the first comment she made about the relationship had been ‘’so it’s like there’s an imbalance of control in the relationship’’ #i had put my partners on such a high pedestal that i had no idea they could be doing anything wrong #and i asked her what she meant and she said ‘from what you’ve been describing it’s sounds like a strict parents and child type of dynamic’ #she told me they didn’t need to understand why i wanted to leave and they didn’t need to make that decision. if that’s what was going to be #best for me the only thing i could do is let them know my reasoning and simply leave. i didn’t need their permission.’’ #i remember being so confused at that realization bc like… i had been putting their emotions over mine the whole time i had forgotten simply #doing what’s best for me was an option… l #ever since then i’ve been putting myself first and it’s been a steady uphill from rock bottom… i’ve made an incredible amount of progress #when i first started with her getting out of bed and walking to the kitchen was incredibly difficult and took all my strength. #yesterday i conquered a mountain!!!!!!! i hiked all the way to the top!!!!! :D #me a year ago thought it was going to take me years and years to recover. as soon as i left i made leaps of progress #im incredibly proud of myself and grateful for her. and my reiki lady she’s also been a great great help. #the silver lining is i realized who really matters. and the relationships i cared about deepened. #my sweet virgo friend was the one who was always like ‘THATS A GROWN ASS MAN WHO CANT UNDERSTAND BASIC CONSENT???’ #LMFAO i would be like ‘but he has trauma and bla bla bla’ she looked me dead in the eyes and said #’jess you said with your last boyfriend that you would never make excuses for a man who was hurting you again. stop defending him.’ #she’s really a gem and i treasure her with my life. i hope she knows i love her. she’s family at this point #she’s also literally saved my life before (like deadass called 911 for help) #im glad i had the support system i had. that was a rough situation with so many layers and im glad i got through it #my 22nd year of life was by far the worst of my life and i don’t ever want to put myself in that situation again. im glad i learned.

[robotic-maid]

How things are going again… update I guess? Still can’t figure out how to read more on mobile. I’m just typing this out so it can leave my head.

#nights are really hard for me #mornings are also really hard for me #I think my jobs burning me out #and I haven’t been able to sleep very well much at all #I’ve only been getting 3-5 hours if I’m lucky because my nightmares are really bad so I usually just stay awake #I mean I have to get up at 4am anyway so what’s the point #do you know how it feels to be in pain but you can’t cry because your body’s grown so used to it? #so it feels like crying because it’s Wednesday again #which I can’t justify because tommorrow is Thursday and that is your new normal #your new normal is working so hard you don’t have the time to see your dog and your cars ac is out and you spend all your money on the room #you sleep in 15 minutes away from the office you are stuck at more than 11hoirs a day #you ask your job to adjust your schedule and they say they can’t without cutting your hours and you need the money to survive #it’s too much #but feeling this way or not feeling this way won’t make a difference because the only other options will make your living situation harder #I’m so tired but I don’t have any better options right now so I have to keep waking up and working #I feel horrible spending time with me friends because I get tired after an hour and I worry that I’ve become #too flaky or something #I can’t stay up late and I’m already stressed out so I just can’t keep up with everyone and I don’t want to be a drain #I wish my heart would just stop some times #my meds stop me from hurting myself or crying or sleeping too long but these feelings always come to me when I wake up #I’m disappointed I woke up again #I don’t want to keep doing this I don’t know how long I can keep going #my body is breaking down like my car is breaking down #I don’t want to keep doing this I need more than a day off work a week I want to see my dog I don’t want to be poor but I don’t want to #wake up just to spend all day in an office getting yelled at while my coworkers come in and leave before me #I know I can do this I know I need to keep doing this I know there’s nothing better for me than this #I shouldn’t say these horrible things out loud because they’ll just wear me down faster #there’s nothing that will help me I need to help myself #this is en endurance test and I need to keep it up because if I fail I will lose so much more than I have #I wish I could cry I wish I could break down and scream but what would be the point? it won’t help it won’t fix anything m

[pussy-ache]

i probably shouldn’t read about bpd before bed

#cuz now it’s 330am and i’m crying cuz i have no way to actually mentally process love effectively #like it’s so weird to realize that as much as romantic love and intimacy interest me as concepts #i crave it until the exact moment where i can get it for myself #and then the craving dissipates #like how do i say ‘’hey i know we’ve been having fun for years and you seem to be falling in love with me #but i have no desire to actually be loved by you or touched by you in an actual real way’’ #especially because the attention i receive is the only dopamine i get that gets me out of bed #so essentially i just use people and string them along knowing i’ll never actual want more than surface level anything #and this is what i mean when i say i do not love right. like on paper i seem fine. in theory i seem fine. in practice not so much #there is something so deeply cracked about my desires sexually and romantically completely disappearing #like it really hurts him that he craves my touch and love and i crave. nothing. #like he always craves video chats and calls and loves seeing me and talking to me and idc if i ever have that. i don’t crave it at all #the roleplay of intimacy is fun and then it’s not anymore when people expect me to actually seriously want to spend time with them #i feel like i want to want someone because i’ve been taught i should #the way i operate romantically and sexually falls completely in line with BPD #i will probably be alone for the majority of my life #and i know i can do that but i was promised to some degree that the normal thing to do as an adult is cohabitate / be intimate with someone #and now i’m like ‘’well no one prepared me for a reality where because of a mental illness i might not actually be able to do that’’ #i wasn’t prepared for the possibility that i truly will live life alone because of this #and now it’s like 4am and i’m staring at the wall and having it hit me like a ton of bricks #it’s like in order to actually fall in love at all i’m going to have to beat back this mental illness at any given moment forever #and that’s IF and only IF i’m able to even fall in love in the first place #it doesn’t seem like i’m actually capable of falling in love

[littledead-ridinghood]

I have two Google docs for things I want to write: one for meta and the other is for fic and dumb little art ideas. I also have multiple WIPs as any person should have at any given time.

There are so many nice (adjacent) ideas I want to write but I’m so reactionary to certain fandom takes now that I’ll never do it. I used to be able to swallow certain takes with an “I don’t agree with that but it’s cute right now and I’m also on my period so I want to cry over fluff anyway.” But for my own personal sanity, I don’t want to “endorse” certain fanon things I’ve come to bristle at.

I have seen many others before post about how the deeper they get into their fav media, the more they move away from shrugging and scrolling towards visceral rage. Now, I’m not boiling with rage or whatever but I do know that the emotions I’m feeling means I need to back off for a while which is so disappointing. There’s so many ideas that I fear while never see the light of day because I can’t get behind “feel good family” takes without feeling like I’m declawing characters.

#i need a writing tag therefore this tag will be that #yes this is why I’ve been reblogging less Jason stuff (I feel). I still love him so fully but I’m indulging in my fun fandoms right now so #I can allow myself to be stupid. DC is my work fandom so I’m taking a little vacation #anytime I see a ‘Jason rejoins the Batfam’ I add another ‘Jason leaves the Batfam’ to my idea lists #Jason with the bats fills me with so much frustration bc he’ll never be happy or truly accepted there! but bc of editorial he’ll never be #able to leave and the times he is away it always has to be his fault! #I want to write things like a family member comforting him but I see so much declawing of Jason that I just can’t anymore without rolling my #eyes #which it’s comics. they’re not that deep which means I need to back of and calm down but like between batfanon and lack of comprehension #skills in other sectors im just….. #never leave your echo chamber folks it’s not worth it when it comes to hobbies #‘I love underdog characters and characters severely mistreated by the narrative!’ #*gets upset when the characters treated badly by the narrative/is written as disingenuously as possible gets treated badly by the narrative* #*and by general fandom*

[wanderingpeonies]

the people around me actually recognizing me as a valuable respectable existent person made me realize i haven’t thought of myself that way,, ever.

#didn’t know i had dehumanized myself that much but ok #anyways this is probably due to a mox of trauma + youngest child syndrome + social exclusion bc i’m autistic #mix* #i just. hadn’t realized how much i bled into my own view of myself #and that sense of humanity is also the same as my sense of like. maturity #i am only very recently seeing myself as a mature person. both physically and mentally #especially in the sense of like. being attractive?? being hot #bc i’ve been able to see that in others for a long time ! but not in myself. i always kinda viewed myself as too young. like it’d be wrong #anyways. yea

[zjofierose]

.

#feeling frustrated tonight #i was supposed to go do a new thing #but it’s Fucking Storming in a way that i didn’t really feel safe going out and driving around to a place i’ve never been before #so after gearing myself up for it all day i flaked #and didn’t go #which i HATE doing #i used to do it a lot in my early twenties because depression and social anxiety #and i have mostly trained myself out of it #so i feel Real Bad about it when i do give in #also i’ve had this shitty low-grade headache for several days now #pretty sure it’s weather related (see aforementioned Fucking Storm) #and i am also super not feeling the Beginner Mind space i am stuck in w/ piano rn #like i have only been doing this for… six-ish months? i am not supposed to be Good yet #but i really committed to practicing every day in the new year #and so it FEELS like i should just be able to sit down and *play* now #which spoiler: i cannot #and rationally i get it #but emotionally i am having a temper tantrum #and i’m tired and there’s always too much too do #and no one has commented on my new fic which of course feels like no one likes it #so then it’s just like well why the fuck did i even bother writing it and should i even bother writing anything else #or will no one care about that either #and yeah i’m just whining and yes i know i need some ibuprofen and some dinner probably #but like ugh #and it’s only fuckin tuesday

[ceruleanmage]

telling people “oh yeah im writing a book!!” except i haven’t touched the doc in many, many days

#writing #this post is more or less a joke #see look. #been exhausted so it’s fair. rest is important #I get is hung up over the idea that this can be done quickly… which is just… so untrue #for different people at least #some people can write a book in a year. some people wrote multiple books a year #and some people write one book in five years #so on and so forth #what is possible for some isn’t always possible for others #i saw a post from an author i really love and she said when she used to write six hours a day as practice #like after school she would lock herself in her room and write/plan/outline. rinse and repeat #and for a moment i was left in complete awe. but also complete envy #I told myself i was inadequate because I don’t do that. I’ve never done that #and the truth is that that’s simply not possible for me #I physically cannot focus on something like that unless it’s a hyper focus which happens only occasionally #even if it’s something I truly love and enjoy. I am not able to do that #but that doesn’t make me any less of a writer. taking longer does not mean your work is invalid #not writing every day doesn’t mean you’re not a writer #so yes. even if i haven’t touched my doc in a week. I am still writing a book #mage monologues

[iloveyoumorethansoup]

Things I have learned tonight: I am much better at taking care of myself than I was able to in the past, I have absolute faith in myself that I can do things if I set my mind to them, and forgiveness is not always the right answer nor am I a forgiving person

#i was one of those people who got taught to always forgive and forget live laugh love issues away #and I’ve been feeling like oh I have to move on from this so we can go move cross country together #like bestie red flag alert why are you moving cross country with someone who broke your trust like that??? #ur gonna resent them forever if u move in with them!!! #also like. yeah it’s more helpful to move to an expensive place with more people but 4 total is fine #considering I’m moving for career reasons I think I’ll be able to have the energy to pull the weight of 1.5x people if needed #maybe 2 but let’s not go there until absolutely needed #and man. i am so glad I can look out for myself in this situation #my exact nightmare scenario is my parents finding this blog. genuinely a debilitating fear throughout my last 7 years #I’d have nightmares about it whenever I got hit with waves of anxiety I’d start deleting things off my phone #but then I couldn’t do anything but hide. hope for the best. and I did hide for 8 years going on now. thankful for every day of peace #i loved this thing so much and I was so afraid to lose it. I don’t know how I didn’t crack under the amount of strain I was under #i don’t need to deal with any of that ever again. I’m in college now if I want my blog I keep my blog #even if it means losing a friendship #Yknow. when I cut off contact with my best friend I realized in a post very similar to this one #though that was more I’m sick of feeling worthless and this will hurt a lot but I need to take care of myself type #this one. well we’ve never been emotionally close ever. so. it’ll more be irritating when I want to do something I’d do with her #then I’ll have to go with someone else #this one I don’t think I’m going to completely cut off all contact tho. we have common friends and they don’t need to be dragged into this #but 1 on 1 we will not be seeing each other again #and I am only extending the invite if absolutely necessary #soup talks

[8rujaa]

i think i’m autistic… it has sent me into a major depressive episode not because I’m sad i might be, but because i’m sad that no one including myself realized… literally 100% of my being feels so validated when i realized it could be. i never even considered i could be autistic until i discovered what “masking” was. I’ve realized, everything I do is a mask, and the reason it’s difficult for me to live and coexist with my partners sometimes, even though i love them and wouldn’t want to be away from them, is because i’m masking 100% of the time trying not to seem cold or rude or unaffectionate bc i’m hyperaware of how i can come off…..

#all the sensory issues… the obsession with pink…. the obsession with routines…… the obsession with music and singing #all the little quirks i’ve been embarrassed about … #the reasons i can’t keep jobs….. #the reason why i was my happiest and most functional when i lived BY MYSELF and literally just painted or played piano for hours #like my bedrooms have always looked like sensory rooms. #i hate bright lights but i literally have like 10 different lamps in my room rn #the reason I hate going out and why i hate parties etc #the reason I can’t lie #the reason i wasn’t able to continue my education #like…. i’m understanding everything now #even the possibility of my mother also being autistic when i’ve always thought she was cold and obsessive and mentally ill #i see it in her too now #she’s put me through so much… and even if she is… the fact that she was abusive still stands… but i think finding out and getting assessed #i think it would help me forgive her… because i was such a. difficult child to raise. #i literally went missing and ran away so many times how did no one pick up on the fact that i might be austic #like these all seem like minimal reasons… but when i tell you that at my core i’ve always felt like an alien #i had a video come up on my feed a few months back about how it kind of shows up differently in women bc we have the ability to mask #and i was like hm that’s interesting but scrolled past #and the more i looked up things like ‘why do i do this’ autism would always come up somehow #and i feel like i’ve been really in denial #but because it resonated… i kept reading about it #i kept learning and researching because everything i found was pointing to the fact that it could be autism #and i am not anti self diagnosing at all. but i didn’t want to be the type of people that take something so general and broad that just #just because i related to (one) thing i was automatically autistic #so i kept learning and researching in hopes of find either something else that could be affecting my mental health #in hopes of kind of proving myself wrong and i was being paranoid #but the more i find the more it explains everything. literally everything. and i’m sad. i’m sad that i’ve hated myself so so so so much… #i think there’s a new sense of self understanding…. and a lot of self guilt being let go… #brain vomit

[branchiopod]

can’t sleep. keep making myself mad about shit

#it’s like three things rn #someone from my old college had it out for me and i genuinely have no idea why #like they were always rude as fuck to me and in the first few weeks we knew each other i was being interrogated ab slur and pronoundiscourse #asked how i felt ab he/him lesbians and i was like i’m not a lesbian so…who fucking cares #and we got into slurs somehow and i wish i could’ve been more articulate bc i was like yeah. i think some trans men can say the d slur #and they were like why aren’t you saying it and my response was cuz i don’t feel like it #but the point i wish i had thought well enough to make is like first of all slur discourse is stupid #and the word dyke is central to so many people’s identities not just currently but in the past too #when i was still fem-presenting and pre-any sort of transition i was a dyke. that’s the best word for how i felt then and now looking back #AND you don’t know the intricacies of someone’s identity. are you gonna police this shit? leave me tf alone #also pissing me off lol #is the fact that i dated someone who hated the parts of me that i like #shit spanned from like him saying it about tank tops and sweatpants immediately after i said they’re gender affirming for me #to not being able to deal with me being loud to the point that i re-triggered a depressive episode as soon as i got out of one #when im doing well im loud and excitable but they couldn’t handle that so i just shoved it down #and last thing. did anyone else deal with the predatory gay stereotype bc i never see ppl talk ab it but i was a huge target for it #it’s affected my ability to just. function as person like i can’t compliment people without making myself panic #the few times i’ve seen it talked ab is specifically the predatory lesbian stereotype #which does make me wonder how much of my experience was fueled by that and how much was just generic homophobia

[bucky-barnes-diaries]

.

#ok this is just me rambling but I just wanted to say that I’m really sorry that I haven’t been really interacting with peoples posts #and creations recently #or just people in general #I’ve just been really bad mentally and my brain has been really all over the place the past few weeks #so I’ve kind of been keeping to myself and my own little blog #but I do love you all and everything my mutuals create you guys are so fucking talented and amazing #even though I may not always see it but I know your content is A fucking plus #I’ll hopefully be able to open up and interact more when I’m starting to feel better which I am on the way of being #better and feeling more happy #i just don’t want people to think I’m ignoring them or that I don’t care about them at all #because I really do and I do think about my friends on here a lot and hoping that they are good and happy 😊 #ok mindless and weird rant over I’m gonna go and binge a series now before I have to go to bed lol

[shireduchess]

back to getting through things a day at a time

#it’s what I was doing before but the days were mostly okay #square one really #I am loved I am medicated I have a support system on hand and I am not a danger to myself at all #they shouldn’t even be able to see this blog anymore but it has always been my space and if I voice intrusive thoughts here #which is all they ever are #and you threaten to call protective services on me #I just don’t know how to talk to them about anything anymore I don’t think it’s possible #anyway #getting my thoughts out -as usual- #now I’ve got a full 12 hour day #personal

[hotteacocoa]

Instead of thinking “I can’t do [blank] right now,” start thinking “I can’t wait to be able to [blank] again.”

Just because you can’t do it right now, doesn’t suddenly mean you’ll never be able to do it again.

#my boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship #and one of the only reasons I’ve been able to get through it is by reminding myself that I’ll see him again #instead of thinking ‘I can’t hug him right now’ I’ve been thinking ‘I can’t wait to hug him again’ #:) <3 #don’t forget #there is still hope #there is always hope #where there’s a will there’s a way #mutuals <3 #txt #txt post #positive thinking #positivity