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neshabeingchildish · 5 years

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Poly Wanna? Ch. 4

My masterpost is coming soon, my loves. I have to work an additional day this week, so I don’t know how tired I’ll be, but we currently have a teenager on suicide/self harm watch, so I most definitely will not likely be working on any type of updates during my work hours. In the meantime, I decided to try to finish this chapter up, and hopefully we’re all still having a good time. Should be able to get more into all 3 in the same room again within the next couple of chapters.

@adorkable-blackgirl @chenoahchantel @ciara-knightly @cactus-con @up-the-tube @riebellion @itsyaapollochild@oof–musicals @lesbian-so-what @woahjusttakeiteasy-man @meadowstryingtobepretty @imma-sensitive-btch @okaygal21 @midernacht @divinereign4ever @xoxoemille

Jasper, Interrupted

Jasper didn’t know if he wanted to do the interview for the show at Henry’s place, as Henry invited everyone to do. Instead, he told them to just video call him and they could record that. He liked to be within his own element and he had made his home a safe space for him emotionally and mentally. He sort of had to, after his time spent with Henry. To say that Henry did this to him, was unfair and exaggerated. Sometimes, it had felt like that, but Jasper was now of the mindset that whatever things he accepted from others was what he should expect from others. Therefore, what he expected from others became all that he would accept from others. The call came through his computer and he answered it, smiling, “Hello! Hi. I’m Jasper,” he said.

“Hi, Jasper!” A team of three - two guys and a woman said in unison.

One of the guys said, “Basically, we just ask you a few questions, you can say as much or as little as you wish to at this point. Keep in mind that your answers will help us to decide what degree of exposure that we want to give you on the show, and also that anything said here may possibly be brought into the show, as per the contract that we emailed you.”

“Got it,” he said and absentmindedly pressed his hand against a pinscreen that he had nearby, playing the pins to one side, then the other.

“Okay,” the woman said, glancing at the pinscreen he was using briefly, “Tell us about Jasper Dunlop.”

He paused his hand and furrowed his eyebrows, “Like… My life story, or like a resume?”

“It’s up to you!” She cheered.

He hadn’t even thought about what he would say. He thought interview and that they would ask questions and he would answer… Which, ge supposed that this was a form of questioning, but dang it, it was so vague. When he was younger, he used to spout out what he considered interesting facts about himself - his weird big toe, his eleventh toe, his affinity for buckets, his sweat gland condition… But, as he got older and more aware of himself, none of those things were necessarily interesting. They just were. Though… they hadn’t told him to tell them something interesting about Jasper, just “tell us about Jasper.” They were staring as he processed all of this.

‘If I were being impulsive, like I usually am, I’d have said that I have attachment issues and abandonment issues. I date women that remind me of my mother and men that remind me of my father, and yet I can’t stand to be in the room with either of them and whenever I am, both of them remind me of the various ways that I am a disappointment to them. I should tell them to shove it. But, I also have approval issues.’

“I’m not gifted at thinking on the spot. I’ve been known to say some pretty hilariously stupid things for having the bad habit of speaking before thinking…” Instead of saying it apologetically, he went ahead and just stated it like things that he was listing off “about Jasper, and that helped him to have a better flow with his little facts. “My go to karaoke song is 5 Fingaz to the Face by Dr. Rhapsody, I know the word “bucket” in 46 different languages. I eat fries. I have no idea what you want from this vague question. Also nachos. I eat those, too.”

The woman smiled at him, one of the guys chuckled. The third went on to ask, “How would you describe your connection to Henry Hart?”

Jasper blinked his eyes and shook his head, “I don’t think I would describe our existence on this plane as a connection, these days. We were once best friends. We aren’t now. We’re not enemies, and there’s no bad blood, but there was enough deconstruction of the friendship parameters that our status has been altered.”

“But, you’re his ex right? One of his exes?” The man wondered.

“That is one small fragment of the long past that we’ve built and torn down,” Jasper said, with a slight smile. ‘Henry’s hit that,’ he thought to himself. ‘There’s always a possibility when you meet someone through Henry that if Henry hasn’t hit it, he’s either dated, dabbled, or dallied with them. This dude just screams butthurt fuckbuddy.’ “I’m sure that I don’t have to tell you that Henry gets around.” The embarrassment on the man’s face confirmed Jasper’s suspicions. He went on, “One ex to Henry from years ago is like someone that a normal person might have run into at a party one night. Fleeting and inconsequential.” Jasper smiled wider at the guy. Maybe downplaying that relationship would make the dude feel better about whatever torch he was carrying for him.

The woman said, “Well, Henry had a much different POV of your relationship.”

“That makes sense. He’s a much different person than me. It’d be ridiculous for him to have the same POV.”

“He said that the two of you were best friends who fell deeply in love and that he hurt you and pushed you away,” she reported, looking at her notes. They were trying to gauge Jasper’s reaction to that. ‘That was one way of putting it. Another way of putting it was that Jasper was in love with him for years and presumed it would never happen, then it did and he thought it would last forever, because he’d wanted it so badly and because he’d done everything that he possibly could have to make Henry happy. Nothing makes Henry happy. Nobody. And when it ended, there were at least a few accounts that would tell you that Jasper “tried to kill himself.” That wasn’t actually true. Jasper tried to silence his thoughts. He tried to numb his pain. He didn’t care if he died, but he wasn’t trying to do it, no… Tell that to his mother. She was the one who found him. “Just some liquor and pills. That shouldn’t have been so toxic! I once got bit by a death snake!” he’d told her. Then, she thought that he was losing his mind and needed to be committed. Fortunately, after 72 hours, they decided that he really didn’t need to be.

“Does that sound right?” The woman asked.

“That sounds like his POV,” Jasper answered, hoping that what he was just thinking about wasn’t covered in Henry’s testimonial. “But, it’s honestly behind the both of us now. I’m with someone. He’s living his life. I don’t want him. He doesn’t want me.” The scorned one scoffed a little and the woman made a face like she knew a secret, but was happy to keep it, so long as you knew she had it. “So, I know that grumpy cat here must’ve had his moment with Henry, what about you two?”

“We’re not being interviewed,” The woman said, meaning she did. The other guy made a face to indicate that he clearly hadn’t and the idea was ridiculous to him.

Jasper nodded, “You’re right. It’s me. Got more questions for me?”

“What is your current relationship like?” Once again, he had to lose himself in his thoughts, so that he didn’t admit that it was absolutely terrifying. That he and Charlotte had never been so close before and now that they were, he was afraid to ever lose her, or to find out that she wasn’t as in love as he was. That had happened to him before. It was humiliating and shocking to his system.

Jasper was in love with Henry. He wasn’t sure when he realized it. He didn’t know if he had known for a while and avoided it, or if he had accepted it and was fine with it not going anywhere, because it was Henry and Henry just wasn’t a relationship sort of person. Sophomore year of high school, Charlotte had read a study about sex in college, and she became stressed out about the risks. “Are you two having sex?” She asked, flat out.

Jasper blushed and looked at Henry. They had kissed before, experimentally. They had even spoken about how they’d date each other, several times, and they had made out a few times during sleepovers. Henry didn’t even bat an eye at the question. He chuckled and asked, “What, with each other? No.”

She scrunched her face up in confusion and shook her head, because why would she be asking if they were having sex with each other? “But, are the three of us still virgins, or not?” She rephrased her concerns.

“I am,” Jasper said.

Henry clasped his hands together and asked, “Are you asking specifically about penetration?”

She placed her hands on his cheeks and got him to look at her, “Henry. Have you had sex?”

“Not sexual intercourse,” he said through puckered lips, pressed out by her hard cheek squeezing.

“Okay! So, we are all virgins. Here is what I propose. If by some chance we still are by the time we graduate, our first times should be in this circle.”

“This is a triangle,” Henry joked, red in the face just thinking about that, with either of them…

“You’ve both got two years to get it done or be mentally prepared to possibly be the person who has to take one for the team and tap this.”

“Take one for the team?” Jasper repeated. At the same time, Henry said, “That sounds like a reward.”

She didn’t reply to either of their comments, but added on to what she was saying, “And if either of you already have a girlfriend or something at that time, then by default, it’s gotta be the other one. I loathe cheating.”

“What if one of us has a boyfriend?” Jasper wondered.

“You tryin’ to tell us something, Bro?” Henry asked and tilted his head, curiously. Jasper furrowed his eyebrows and just stared at him. Why was he acting brand new? He knew that Jasper was into boys. He had been one of the boys that he’d shown interest in.

But, Char simply said, “That would be cheating, wouldn’t it?” She rolled her eyes shook her head and walked away saying, “It’s probably gonna be him. Dear God, let me be mentally prepared for that…”

Jasper yelled, “I can hear you lamenting over having sex with me!” She looked at him, shocked as others in the hallway turned and gasped. Jasper hid his face in his locker. Henry laughed and caught up with Charlotte. Jasper sighed. It was probably gonna be Henry. Charlotte didn’t even like Jasper like that, not that he thought at the time that she liked Henry, but he could tell that she simply wasn’t remotely interested in him, at least. It was a shame, because Jasper always thought that Charlotte was super pretty and while her rough demeanor and snappy attitude should have probably turned him off of her, he liked her a little bit more for it. She reminded him of his mom. But! Then, he thought about how messed up that was and well… Wait. Then, he thought about how messed up it was that Henry just acted like he didn’t know that he liked boys, and well… Was he doing that to save face in front of Charlotte, or to force Jasper out of the closet? Why would he want to do either of those things? If Jasper sat there thinking all day, he wouldn’t get anything done. It was better for him to just leave his locker and head to class.

By the end of senior year, there were a few changes. He and Henry had become the closest of friends, with Charlotte and Henry’s friendship being less engaging than before, but Henry was frequently all up in Charlotte’s space, meanwhile, Jasper had a crush on him. Jasper wasn’t a fool. He knew that Henry didn’t like him like that, even though he sometimes showed him affection, Henry was just really bad at being a boyfriend and never seemed to want to be involved with anybody after a few days of passion and excitement. That was simply the nature of the beast and despite that, Jasper had feelings growing.

So, whenever Schwoz kept asking Henry and Charlotte about whether or not they were dating, when the guys laughed about Char’s weird behavior whenever Henry was “asking her to marry him,” and just the general weirdness of that time when it seemed like his two best friends were getting to a level that he could not ascend with them to, he just held his peace and watched, pretending that he was imagining it.

They were going to move into an apartment after graduation. None of them had friends, significant others, or plans to go too far from Swellview, so they did the thing that friends do. They started looking for an apartment whenever they started looking for prom and graduation stuff. Charlotte was busy with college prep. Henry was busy with Kid Danger. So, Jasper wound up being the one to look into stuff for them. It was difficult.

Swellview had a pretty good economy, because people who probably shouldn’t have been able to afford their homes based upon the work that they went into or the amount of time that they worked… with their budget, Jasper wasn’t sure how they were supposed to make this work. So, he went to Charlotte to show her his findings and ask her what she thought. She looked things over and said, “We could probably find a house for cheaper than this, Jasper,” and shook her head, “I’ll find an apartment. Don’t worry about it.” He felt stupid, like he sometimes did whenever she treated him like he messed something up that she had to fix. He wasn’t asking her to fix it. He was telling her that this was the best that was out there.

“I worked really hard to find that. I don’t think that there’s anything else that you might find other than…” and she pointed to her computer screen.

Charlotte got up off the seat and walked off, and barked, “Call them.”

Jasper looked at the screen and looked at his list. This wasn’t on his list, so maybe he missed it. He went back through where he was searching, and sure enough, this listing had been on his list and he’d just missed it. That was his mistake. He had problems focusing sometimes and missed out on information, but jeesh… Charlotte could be nicer about it. It had only taken her a few moments to find it. Why had she given the assignment to him, anyway? He fumed and dialed the number to the apartment listing. He heard Henry’s voice, so his natural response was to look for him and to say hi. He was on the phone with the apartment people when he di find Henry and Charlotte huddled up and she was saying, “I just can’t see how it’s still a good idea at this point. He doesn’t listen well. He doesn’t pay attention. He doesn’t think things through. He is an adult now, Henry. You won’t be home most of the time, which means, I’ll have to pick up his slack. If you want to live with him so bad, you two can get a place and I’ll get my own.”

“It’s supposed to be the big 3,” Henry said.

“Well, I’m not his mother, Dude. I’m already on board for a double degree program. I can’t come home to remind Jasper that he needs to put on his big boy undies everyday.” She walked off and Henry called out to her, but she kept going.

Jasper hung up his phone, took a sad swallow and put on his cheerful voice, “Hey, Henry!” He said.

Henry was startled, but turned to face him with a smile and said, “Heyyy, Jasp! What’s up? Char told me that you two found a promising location. Did you get the chance to call them?” Jasper stared at him. Was he really not going to tell him all of the stuff that Charlotte had just said about him? And with a straight face, no less? There was no sign whatsoever from Henry that Charlotte had just been complaining about living with Jasper and basically saying that she didn’t want to.

Jasper wondered, “We are all three still doing it, aren’t we?”

Henry faltered for a moment, “What? Yeah, Bud! Of course we are. Char’s in a bad mood though, so don’t ask her about it right now. I’ll talk to her later, but we’re definitely doing the 3 of us in an apartment thing.” Henry patted him on the shoulder, smiled and headed into the Man Cave. Henry smiled to his face, looked him in the eye and lied to him without so much as a blink. If he had thought better about things, like Charlotte was complaining about, he would have known that Henry was lying. If he would have been paying attention, like Charlotte was complaining about, there would have been no other explanation for what he overheard and what Henry said to him right after. He would have known that the three of them weren’t going to make it in an apartment together. But, he cheered, “Okay, good!” Because, he wanted to believe that his best friend had this handled and even though his other best friend seemed annoyed by him, that she was just in a bad mood and didn’t mean anything by it.

The only available spot for what they would be able to afford was a 2 bedroom place, 2 bathroom space. Charlotte said, “Oh, boo! Looks like I won’t be able to room up with you two.” She said it in an exaggerated sadness, so that they both knew that she wasn’t actually upset about that, at all.

Henry shook his head and said, “Nonsense. They always have a living room in those places. One of us can just take the living room. I’m fine with that. I’ll probably be working as Kid Danger a lot of the time, anyway.”

“Working as Kid Danger, then coming in bone tired and nasty and musty and crashing in the living room - pur shared community space?”

“Even if I had a bedroom, I’d crash in the living room, because that’s where the TV will be.”

“And whenever somebody wants to watch TV, we’ll what, just turn it down low, because you’ll be sleeping off getting your butt beat on the couch that everyone is supposed to share?”

“He could crash in my room!” Jasper offered. Henry and Charlotte both looked at him and he felt like it must’ve been a weird suggestion… but it couldn’t have been more weird than Kid Danger crashing on the couch because he didn’t have a room of his own where he paid rent!

“We’ll keep looking,” Henry said. Charlotte shook her head and folded her arms, muttering something like That means I’LL have to look, like I don’t have better things to do… “I’LL keep looking!” Henry said and rubbed her thigh. She fought a smile and pulled her leg away from him. Jasper noticed that, but it didn’t really occur to him that was an intimate gesture. They were in each other’s space a lot. Henry was a touchy feely person. Charlotte’s little smirk was off, but maybe she was just relieved that Henry was going to do the work and search…

So, they got to the end of the year. They went to a graduation party that was crashed by a villain and Captain Man and Kid Danger were called in to clear things up. Charlotte and Jasper served as the backup and whenever the coast was clear, the three met back up and headed towards their hotel room. They had plans and Charlotte decided that they should just spend the weekend somewhere besides home, since they hadn’t made a final decision on their apartment status yet. The hotel room was nice, fancy, and clean. Basically the only type of hotel that they would expect Charlotte to sleep in.

She went to wash up in her suite, and told them to go wash up in theirs, then come over. She said it, like she was talking to Jasper, but he didn’t notice that it was aimed at him. Henry raised his eyebrows, smiled and asked Jasper, “You know what she’s doing right?”

“Washing up for the night?”

“Yeah, but… remember your virginity pact?” Jasper took a step back. He had NOT remembered it. Henry smiled, “Why do you look so bothered? You’re gonna have your first time with CHARLOTTE! That’s awesome.”

“I wasn’t prepared for that!” Jasper said. “I can’t!”

“Of course you can. I can give you pointers...”

Charlotte got the room ready, washed up, got herself ready, made sure that she had the necessary supplies, and dressed up in a nice little chemise, with her hair up. She would be able to say that her first time was with one of her best friends. That she loved him. That she was responsible. Everything was beautiful. She sighed and began to nervously bounce around. He was taking too long. What were they even doing over there? She grabbed the night robe and threw it on, slid into her slippers and went to their suite to knock. She planned on doing it more gently, but wound up knocking hard.

Henry opened the door, glistening from the shower, with a smile. “Hey,” he said.

“Hey… Is Jasper gonna come over, or… did you have some other plans… together?” She asked, peeking in to see Jasper sprawled out on the bed, laying on his back, with nothing but a towel covering him. Had they showered together? She knew that there was something going on there, but hell… was she the only virgin left in this trio tonight?

Henry stepped out into the hallway and smiled softly, “He’s scared.”

“Of what?”

“Failing. You know how you can be when he doesn’t do something right. He doesn’t want his first time to get him fussed at and give him a complex.”

“I fuss at him a lot less than he deserves!” She snapped, loudly. Henry shushed her. “Don’t you SHHHHHH me!” She said and took a swing at him. He caught her little fist, laughed and pulled her to him. Then, he kissed her on the lips. It caught her off guard. They had been doing a dance for a while, but Henry was no virgin and that wasn’t part of the pact. Then again, Jasper had never agreed to the pact, so… she kissed Henry back and he gently hoisted her up and carried her back to her suite.

Henry sat her on the bed and said, “I can go get Jasper, and I can help him out, if that’s what you want?”

“That sounds awkward,” She said, thinking about her mother telling her about choosing one. Anything else was cheating, or that the very least unwise and a little dirty. She didn’t want those associations with her first time, and Jasper had already rejected her. She couldn’t blame him. She was a little short with him at times, but she figured that he was used to her being hard, by now. She certainly didn’t think it would make him turn her down for something so important that she thought they were going to be able to do together, as friends, and to be honest, she was kind of hurt that he thought she might fuss at him when SHE didn’t know what she was doing either! “I just can’t believe that Jasper turned me down,” she sniffled.

“He didn’t turn you down. He’s scared. I’m sure we can talk him into it.”

“You mean coerce him? No thanks. I’m not a rapist, you weirdo.”

“Well, I know I don’t fit the criteria of your image of your first time, but… I am both willing and available,” Henry said. She looked around the room at the set up. She had these cute little buckets of rose petals that she’d spread everywhere, some with candles lit in them, and one with a bottle of wine that she had gotten as a graduation gift. She shrugged her shoulders, bashfully. She was definitely less confident about this with Henry than she would have been with Jasper.

In her mind, as long as he was clean, Jasper would have probably been more gentle, easier on her, nicer, and it would have been the perfect levels of, ‘What the fuck are we doing?’ for them to both laugh at themselves and still enjoy each other. With Henry… He was… well, he was a player. He was probably skilled. He may or may not have had an unsafe encounter. It wasn’t what she wanted her first time to be! But… she had actually chosen him, before, if it was gonna come to this, not realizing that the choice had to go both ways, when she’d decided. She supposed, rationally, this was better than some pothead when she got to the university and was so busy and tired that she tried it out for kicks. “Okay,” she said. “Just… be easy on me, okay?”

“Charlotte, I’m going to treat you like a queen, okay?”

Jasper got up after Henry had been gone a while. He guessed he needed some alone time to think, without Henry repeatedly telling him how stupid it was that he wasn’t rushing over to Char’s room and “blowing her back out.” But, Henry didn’t understand stuff like this. Henry didn’t really let people get close to him. He didn’t know how terrifying the idea of crossing a line with someone you value and making it to where you could lose them in the capacity that you have them… Henry had as few real connections as Jasper did, but Henry also had another life. He had a persona. He had someone that he could become whenever nobody was there for him and nobody loved him and it was just a bubble away. If he got lonely, he could just become Kid Danger and have a flock of fans. Jasper had to sit with his. So, he didn’t want to lose one of the two people who gave him the comfort of company and he didn’t want to let her down, either.

Jasper put his hand up to knock on her door, but he heard her making sounds and paused. He put his ear against the door to see if he was just tripping, or if something was happening over there… But, it was clear. Even though he had never heard her voice in this way before, he knew that it was her, and he knew that other moan too. That was definitely Henry. Jasper backed away from the door and covered his mouth with both hands, telling himself not to cry. It was okay. This was bound to happen, and they both still loved him and they both would still be his friend…

Unfortunately, things changed between them. Henry in particular was trying to include Jasper, but it was always very clear that he preferred his time alone with Charlotte and she was still sore that Jasper “sent Henry to reject her.” No matter how many times both of them told her that wasn’t exactly what happened.

After a couple of weeks, Jasper announced, “I’m not gonna move into the apartment.” Charlotte shrugged her shoulders and Henry looked relieved, but he was pretending it was sad and that he wanted Jasper to do this with the 3 of them so badly. He didn’t fight him on it like he’d fought Char whenever she didn’t want in, and Jasper just made up some excuse and bowed out. Henry and Charlotte moved in together, and they got a one bedroom place, on the third floor. Jasper didn’t come to visit much, but whenever he did, they were super domestic and one of the times that he did, he and Henry were playing videogames when Charlotte got home.

“Gonna be in here doing that all night?” She asked.

“No. I’m definitely gonna come to bed, probably,” Henry said.

Charlotte nodded and said, “Well, don’t wake me up for anything. I have a test in the morning.” Henry paused the game, got up and went to help her out of her jacket and give her a kiss on the lips, “I promise, I won’t wake you, Babe.” Jasper choked on his popsicle.

Now… IF he had been paying attention, if he had thought about it, the fact that he knew that they had slept together that night in the hotel room, the fact that they had moved into a one bedroom apartment, and the fact that she had just asked him about coming to bed should have been indicators that they were involved. But, for whatever reason, it didn’t occur to him until that kiss and the way that Henry said, “Babe.”

“If you get popsicle on my carpet, I’m going to murder you,” Charlotte said. Jasper got up quickly to rush into the kitchen. “Check on him, before he chokes to death,” she told Henry, shaking her head at their poor, overgrown child of a friend. Henry was on it and she went to bed…

“Jasper, are you okay?” Jasper heard. It was a woman’s voice. He shook himself out of the memory and laughed at himself. He was home, and the interview crew was on the computer screen, during a video call.

“Sorry, I sometimes get so involved in making sure that I actually pay attention and that I’m sure to think about something that I overthink and get lost in my thoughts. Uhh, my current relationship is… surprisingly wonderful. Charlotte and I have a lot of history, some of it is pretty painful, but where we both are now is perfect. We probably should have done this a long time ago, but then again, we would have been completely different people. We were completely different people…” He didn’t realize how much it still stung to think about the way that he for whatever reason was so in love with Henry, but Henry didn’t care about him like that and slid in and made a life with a girl that he probably could have had one with, if he had just been a little bit more attentive, a little bit more thoughtful. He brushed that away and smiled, well… he had her now.

The crew smiled. “Is there something that you care about and would like it to be what an audience gains from watching you?” The woman asked.

This interview had made him think about his heartbreak and his unwillingness to feel it again, but they were probably looking more along the lines of a catchphrase or tagline. He thought for a moment and said, “I’m sensitive, and I’ve been hurt before, but I’m never going to allow myself to be hurt the way that I’ve been hurt before, again.”

#Poly Wanna #Nesha HD Fics #henry danger #henry hart #charlotte page #jasper dunlop #hd ot3

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surveys-at-your-service · 5 years

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Survey #221

“god is making fun of me; he’s up there laughing, i can see.”

What type of toothpaste do you use? Crest. What is your favorite color(s) of eye-makeup? b l a c k Are you sexually active? No. Do you have sensitive skin? I guess? Are you egotistical? I have the self-esteem of like... a blobfish. Do you have an older sister? Multiple. Favorite song by Owl City? I like "Fireflies" and "Hot Air Balloon." What color is your mum’s car? White. Where do you keep your kitty litter box? In the hallway that connects the bathroom and kitchen. Are you a lighter complexion than your father? I AM MUCH MUCH LIGHTER. My dad is really dark-skinned from being a mailman for all my life. Always being outside does it. His arms especially are really really tan from sticking them out the window. Do you like apricots? Noooo. Do you like kinky sex? Never tried anything kinky before, so wouldn't know. What country were you born in? The U.S.A. Solid soap bar or liquid body wash? LIQUID. Bar soap grosses me out, even though it's... yeah, soap. Like multiple people (if you live with others, anyway) are rubbing that on their body, no thanks. Do you believe being gay is a choice or a “disorder”? Neither; I believe it's a mutation. How many birds can you name just by looking at them? Uhhh jaybirds... cardinals... bald eagles... crows, ravens... vultures... peacocks... Victoria crowned pigeons... barn owls, horned owls, snowy owls... probably others. There's so many, I'm not musing over it forever. Which birds are most common around your neighborhood? I don't live in a "neighborhood." But you see lots of crows in this area. If you don’t understand a reference in something, do you look it up? Sometimes. Depends on what it is, how interesting it is. Are you the kind of person to look at accident sites, when passing them by? Morbid curiosity gets the better of me here. Did you ever make dolls or hand puppets in primary/elementary school? Yeah. When you were little, what sorts of make belief did you play? Y'ALL I did the weirdest shit. I remember I loved mimicking A Bug's Life by taking a leaf and placing things like seeds and stuff on it, my little sister and I enjoyed "cooking" with plastic food and our oven set, we liked playing house with friends, OMG I FORGOT ABOUT HOW WE USED TO LOVE BEING MERMAIDS IN THE POOL, uhhh. Idr, there's other stuff for sure. I was really creative as a kid and loved playing make believe. Has a friend’s parent ever given you a present just because? I don't think "just because." What do you do with clothes you can’t wear anymore? We donate them, give them away to friends if they like something, or, when it comes to our favorite shirts, my mom has actually been working on creating a big blanket out of them since we were kids. I hope she finishes before her time's up. What is something you’re very particular about? How my food is prepared. What is your dearest stuffed animal that you own? Why is that? My moose Brownie from Cabela's in Ohio. I ALWAYS slept hugging him as a little kid and even teenager until Jason got me Rebel the meerkat. He's still on my dresser. Name something awesome from another culture that is not part of yours: Oh man, idk. When at a Chinese or Japanese restaurant, do you use chopsticks? I have pretty intense tremors. I could NEVER use chopsticks. What’s something you can’t wait for about growing old? Um, nothing? Nothing about being elderly seems fun. How do you expect your life to go like? How are you ensuring that? Ideally, it would be defined by contentment and success. I want to know financial peace, stability, and pride in what I've accomplished. I'm trying my damnedest to ensure this by going back to school, trying as hard as I can to push my photography, and work on my mental health. Or do you just wing it as you go? NO. I've always had plans and goals, and I act on the desire to achieve them. The only time I was truly "winging it" was during my suicidal depression phase after the breakup. I was literally too busy wanting to die but being too afraid to and so lost and hopeless that I didn't know what to do. What’s a yard game that you still enjoy playing as an adult? Hunny I don't go outside rip. What do you think is the most interesting sea creature? Portuguese man-o-war, probably. They don't have a fucking brain yet are alive????? And deadly as a mfer????? How do you reset your head to zero, so to speak? Sleep. Have you ever gone exploring an abandoned building? Well, shacks. Are there any foreign television shows you enjoy watching? Some anime. What’s your favorite way to spend a weekend? I don't think I have a set "favorite" way. What’s your “Death Row Meal”? I mean, it'd depend on what I wanted at the time? Do you like going to the movies or prefer watching at home? I strongly prefer going to the theater. Don't really know why, though... I guess the setting, being in the dark and watching on a huge screen? When you were a kid, did you eat the crusts on your sandwich or not? Yeah. I've never minded crust. What activity instantly calms you? Car rides where I can blare my music. Ideally, how would you spend your birthday? It'd depend on what I was up for that day. But definitely doing things with friends and family. What’s the best joke you’ve ever heard? Idk. I don't really like traditional jokes. Be witty. What’s the career highlight you’re most proud of? Ha. Do you think you’ll stay at your current company awhile? Why or why not? N/A How would your 10-year-old self react to what you do? That's like the most depressing thought possible lmao. What do you remember most about your first job? The fact I can't do customer service. All I remember is the anxiety. Did you start working immediately after finishing school? Why or why not? No. I just wasn't ready. What’s the worst job you’ve ever had? I lasted two hours in a deli in a constant state of panic. Guess. What’s the best career decision you’ve ever made? Going back to school for a degree. What’s the worst career decision you’ve ever made? Trying the deli. How much time do you spend with your family? Like... none, almost ever. We all live in different places. Who do you most like spending time with and why? In my family? My mom, because we relate on a lot and just generally get along. Were you close with your family growing up? My immediate family, yes. How do you define your family now? Distant. What traits are most important to you in your family members? Being accepting and open-minded. And supportive. Who are you the closest to and why? My mom. I live with her and she's supported and loved me through everything. Do you want a family of your own? Why does "family" always have to mean including kids? I don't want any. I just want my s/o and pets. What’s your favorite family tradition? We don't really have any anymore. If you could change your relationship with a family member, would you? If so, with whom? Yes, with my oldest sister. She pretty much disowned me at one point, we reconnected, but I'm pretty sure she doesn't like me again. We are VERY similar according to Mom, so it'd be nice to be close with her, but. What’s your favorite family memory? As a family... uh. Idk. Probably some times we were all in the pool together when my parents were still together, having fun. What TV family most reminds you of your own? *shrugs* Do you ever wish you were raised differently? In some ways, yes. Chores absolutely needed to be more enforced. What’s the best piece of advice a family member has given you? Idk, I'm sure something my mom said about moving on from things. Do you wish you had more siblings? If so, why? I wish I had a little brother, but one I was still relatively close in age with. I would've rocked that protective big sister over slightly-younger bro jazz. It would've been cool to have another kid to play with, especially a guy instead of a relatively girly-girl; not trying to make any pre-judgments about an imaginary kid, but you get it. Stereotypes and all. It would've been nice to have a more boyish sibling. Did you ever hide anything from or lie to your parents? Yeah. If you had a family business, what would it be? That would never happen in my family. Do you and your family have any nicknames for each other? Nothing out of the ordinary; ex. they usually just call me "Britt," but it's clear and reasonable why. What’s your favorite way to spend time with your family? I mean it varies. My parents are divorced and best apart so we're never really "together" unless we're at my older sister's house for birthday parties or holidays. That's the only time we're really *all* together. How do you show your family you love them? Always being there to listen or offer a signature bearhug. Have you ever been to a family reunion? Noooo, our extended family is littered all throughout the country. What’s the most important holiday you spend with your family and why? Christmas. It just reminds me of being a kid again. Who in your family would you describe as a “character”? Ho boy, my grandma. It's hurting lately to think of her as a "character" now though, seeing as she's dying of cancer now. She starts chemo soon, but this one's a death sentence regardless. It's spread too much. My relationship with her is strained and difficult, but I care for her nonetheless, and I worry that I'm really going to feel it all crash when she dies and I probably won't be there due to distance and school. What’s something your family would be surprised to learn about you? Shit, my family doesn't know most big things about me, I think; not because they don't care, but because I'm embarrassed of hobbies and interests and thus secretive. Only my mom knows mostly everything. I guess more than anything, uhhh... I'm no longer a Christian? I was raised religious, so most probably just assume I still am, and I don't just go around talking about how I dropped my faith. Which family member do you confide in most? Mom. If you had only one sense (hearing, touch, sight, etc.), which would you want? Sight, I think. What’s the first thing you look for in a partner and/or friend? A friendly, likable personality. When was the last time you shaved your legs? Oh wow, not since... around my birthday in February. The last person to say they loved you? Mom. Last thing received in the mail? For me, school textbooks. Do you have any famous relatives? Only ancestors. I consider "relatives" different/closer. Have you ever had sex in a public place? No. Have you ever been searched by the cops? It was either staff or police who did so the numerous times I went into the hospital and ER for my mental state. Are you any good at math? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach? No. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight? No. Well, I think. Do you remember the most naughty night of your life? Yes. Have you gone to college/uni? What is/was your major? I'm in college now! My major in this school is organismal biology because they don't have zoology. I'm getting what I need here and then going to a university for zoology. What color is your best friend’s hair? Brown. Where were you going the last time you were a passenger in a car? Yesterday otw home from school. Have you ever dated someone who had a kid from a previous relationship? No, and I wouldn't. What was the last event that was a turning point in your life? Going back to school! :') What’s your favorite setting in nature? (mountains, beach, desert, etc…) M O U N T A I N S M O T H E R F U C K E R What hair color is most common in your family? BROWN. Almost everyone is brown-haired. For how long has your favorite band been your favorite? Damn, it's been Ozzy Osbourne since 6th or 7th grade, and I'm 23 now. He probably always will be. I'm hopefully seeing him next year and I'm!!!!!!!! not!!!!!!!!!! prepared!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do you have any photos on your refrigerator? What are they of? Yeah. There's numerous of my older sister and her fam, plus my grandmother and her husband. Maybe others, idr. What color are the pillows on your couch? We don't have pillows on there. Have you ever gone more than 5 years without going to the dentist? No. My mom always makes sure her kids keep up with health check-ups. Do you have a hard time sleeping when you’re away from home? It depends on the emotional and physical comfort of where I am, really. Do you know anyone who got engaged while still in high school? I believe so. Are you friendly to retail employees? Honestly, fuck you if you're not for no good reason. Half the shit you complain about isn't their goddamn fault. Do you know anyone who litters? Not regularly, no. I wouldn't associate with them, I don't care how simple that sounds. However, I kept my mouth shut at my nephew's last b-day party because the kids let balloons up into the air; they tend to end up on beaches or in the ocean, so technically, it's littering, but I didn't want to seem like an asshole. I'm certain my sister didn't really think about that though, or else she wouldn't have allowed it. Do you think your neighbors have any complaints about living near you? No. We don't do any harm. The dogs bark sometimes, but not obnoxiously loud to where you can hear it if you're in your house. What was the last kind of soup you ate? I tried canned vegetable soup when my tongue piercing was healing, but I didn't like it. Where do you usually buy groceries from? Wal-Mart or Harris Teeter, depending on a few circumstances. What’s your favorite candy? Reese's if you include chocolate, strawberry Sour Punch Straws if not. Have you ever gone to a strip club? No, not my kinda scene. Are you jealous of anyone? *Envious, yes. Last song listened to? why????? do i like????????? "love rhymes with fuck you" by j star??????????? Do you take vitamins daily? No; only on Sunday I take a vit. d pill because otherwise I'm severely deprived. Is anyone jealous of you? I HIGHLY doubt that, homie. Last CD you listened to? Metallica's "Ride The Lightning" album when Mom and I were otw to my therapist once and my iPod wasn't working. This was FOREVER ago and I'm pretty sure it's still in there, lmao. Is there something you want to tell someone? I'm going to die wanting to see Jason one final time and apologize to him for how I treated him after the break-up. When you eat Frosted Flakes, do you add sugar in it? NOOOOOOO not a fan of Frosted Flakes. How many kids do you want to have? Zero. Have you ever gone behind your parents' backs? I actually don't think so... Who’s the biggest hugger you know? Ashley's huband's grandma will give you a hug even if she met you for only five seconds. Not a bad thing, it's just kinda uncomfortable. Where did you get your worst scar from? Surgery. Do you name your stuffed animals? Some. Have you ever been to Disney World? Yes. What is your favorite roller coaster, and where is it? My ass will not sit in a roller coaster, probably ever. What is your favorite state? From what I've seen, I find Utah the prettiest. Do you own any form of a Gameboy? I have a red Gameboy Advance that somehow still works. How is the world going to end? I find a meteor striking to be most likely, or we're swallowed by a black hole. Do you have any pets? Do you want any/more? Yes, and I do want another ball python morph, as well as a bearded dragon. Though if/when Sara and I move in together, Doris will be enough for a beardie, oml I love that sassy baby. :') <3 How did you find out about Myspace? Probably my older sister, or classmates. Are you careless with your information on the internet? "Maybe by some people’s standards." <<< Change "maybe" to "probably" for me, lol. I'm trying to improve, though. Have you ever owned a lava lamp? No, but my older sis had one as a teen. I want one SO BADLY. Is it better to color with markers, crayons, or colored pencils? Colored pencils, by far. Do you like to draw or write better? Write. I get more satisfaction out of drawing something I like, but I draw so rarely because I'm painfully critical over what I make. Do you have a favorite cousin? No. Can you knit? No. Are you interested in more than one person at the moment? Nope. Who are your last three missed calls from? Mom, Mom, and a number I didn't recognize. What’s the biggest upcoming event for you? I dunno. Have you hung out with any guys recently? No, but I miss Girt, so I should invite him over some time soon. Do you like your school? I love my school. They are very invested into their students' success, as well as being a community. Who’s the weirdest teacher at your school? I wouldn't know, I've only been here a month. Do you have nightmares often? Apparently. Mom sleeps on the couch right outside my door, and I spook her quite a lot by waking up screaming or attacking my bed, she says. Thank God I don't tend to remember them. Clarification, they're not night terrors or anything like that. I'm just pretty active in my sleep, such as talking and such. Can you remember how old you were when your appearance started to matter? I was kinda self-conscious in middle school 'cuz BOY was I an ugly duckling. How frequently do you pee at night? I almost without fail get up once a night to go. Do you name your pet fish, if you have any? N/A Do your parents care about you cussing? Dad doesn't, but Mom does about "severe" words, so I try to censor myself around her. Who is your favorite person in the world? Sara. Who do you spend most of your time with? I live only with my mother, so. Is there a stuffed animal you still take places with you? No. Last insult you received? Idk. Have you ever eaten Pop Rocks and drank Coca-Cola at the same time? Yoooo I think I did once at a b-day party, but not a lot bc I was scared lmao. At concerts, do you buy merch? I've only been to one, but I did. I would if I went to more. I've missed some fucking amazing bands' concerts this past year, and it's really annoying me now. Are you gullible? Not really. Do you get excited easily? No. Are you a headbanger? No, I'd get dizzy with a headache on board. First concert you went to? Alice Cooper. What venue was that at? Somewhere in Raleigh, idr. Have you ever been out of state for a concert? No. Are you fascinated by outer space? I don't know a person who isn't. It's very intriguing. Do you shop for new clothes each season? No. Is your hair dyed right now? If so, what color is it? No, but damn I want to. I wanna dye it lilac. I just need a professional to do it. Do you look up your symptoms online whenever you have a problem? Not "whenever," no. I typically just ask Mom. Do you eat enough fruits and vegetables? No. Definitely not vegetables. Do you have dreams that you’re not giving up on? Being truly content with my life one day. Do you think your hair looks better up or down? It's too short to go up. Do you like bare trees or green-leaved trees better? I prefer autumn trees. What season would you want to get married in? October/November, preferably, when the trees are all pretty. <3 What does your favorite stuffed animal look like? I have three "favorites," those being Brownie, Plum, and Rebel. I've already talked about Brownie the moose, then Plum is a stuffed snake from Sara that she'd had growing up, and Rebel is my stuffed meerkat from Jason that I always slept with while we were together and for a very long time after the break-up. He was a big comfort to me, and though he's a bittersweet stuffed animal now, idk. A lot of memories. His fur is all matted and you can just tell that fella has seen some love. Do you collect anything? Meerkat & Silent Hill stuff. What was the last book you read? I'm almost done with The Handmaid's Tale for school, and it is fucking phenomenal, coming from someone whose love for reading slipped away long ago. I have never in my life read a book with such vivid imagery and description. When was the last time you moved to a new house? The beginning of 2017. How long was your longest relationship? 3 1/2 years. Tell me about how your parents met. How old were they? They met through work. Idk how old they were, somewhere in their 30s, probably. What makes your bedroom special to you/what is your favorite part about it? It is VERY personalized; my room is looooaaaaded with shit relating to me and my interests, and that's what I love about it. It's very homey to me, surrounded by my passions. When washing your hands, do you wet your hands or put soap on first? I put soap on first. When was the hardest you ever cried? What was the circumstance? I think the night of the breakup, when Mom essentially dragged me home from trying to walk to his house to talk. I entirely fell apart. When it comes to school, how motivated are you to work? It depends on where I am, actually. I'm at school for hours most days because my schedule fits into Mom's to avoid driving back and forth, and while I'm waiting in the library, I'm very motivated, even a bit obsessive. Meanwhile, at home, I don't want to work like... at all. I'm so used to this being my chill place. Do you know any high school sweethearts? How’s life treating them? My sister and her husband dated for a while in HS, actually, and they seem just fine. I'm sure my former friend and her husband are still together, and they've dated since middle school. I haven't had contact with her for like a year or so now though so idk how they are. Where do you usually buy your clothes? HotTopic or Wal-Mart. If you had to be a school teacher, which subject would you teach? Science, probably. But God FORBID I ever be a teacher; I wouldn't last. Which is the scariest ride you have ever been on in a theme park? Whatever that ride is where you sit in a bunch of chairs in a circle, go up way too damn high, and drop. I did it as a yolo even though I was terrified, and yeah, I screamed way too fucking loud. Never again.

#survey #questions #quiz #random #bored

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toxoiddiamond · 6 years

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T H E B A S I C S Given Name: Elijah Anthony Mitchell Nicknames: Eli Age: He was 26 when he committed suicide. Now he's sort of immortal. Birthday: December 7th Zodiac Sign: Sagittarius Birthplace: Seattle, Washington Current Location: When he was alive he lived in Chicago, Illinois, and he still likes to hang around that area on occasion. But he can easily go anywhere he wants. Speaks: English, Latin, and a passing familiarity with Enochian (enough to use sigils but not enough to speak the language). Technically, he could speak any human language he wants, but he hasn't had a need to. Dominant Hand: Right Education: He dropped out of high school at sixteen, but got his GED when he was eighteen. He really wanted to attend college, but was unable to afford it. Occupation: When he was still human, he was working in a coffee shop, but also traded sex for money on occasion to help pay the bills. He really wanted to save up enough to be able to go back to school and become a teacher, but he was struggling just to make ends meet, so that never became a possibility for him. His current occupation is making deals in exchange for souls or other things that may benefit him. You know, demon stuff. Vehicle: Black 1968 Mercury Cougar. He doesn't technically need a car, but he likes having one-- it makes him feel more human. Pet(s): He used to have a calico cat, which he gave away to a coworker before he killed himself. He still has a secret fondness for animals, but no pets.

A P P E A R A N C E Height: 5'10" Hair: Dark brown, shiny, soft to the touch. Always mussed up and tousled-- let's be real, he has sex hair 24/7. Facial Hair: He has a little bit of facial hair, but it's mostly stubble. Eye Colour: When he was human, his eyes were a very striking, unique gray-blue, and he can still disguise them to look that color. But now his eyes are a deep red color. Skin Tone: Very pale, especially since he mainly goes out at night. Clothing: Maybe they're nude Distinguishing Marks: When he was human, he had a scar just below his ribcage and several smaller scars on his left leg from being shot and also hit with shrapnel during his time in the military. But now he has no scars at all, and no distinctive marks to speak of. Face Claim: Sebastian Stan

H E A L T H Physical Health: I mean, it's not bad. He's kind of just enjoying having a human body again, and he hasn't run into any serious problems. He was able to pull a few strings and get a vessel identical to the body he had in life, and he has taken very good care of it, with the exception of the occasional junk food binge because, come on. He missed eating delicious food, and can you really blame him? Physical Abilities/Limitations: He can teleport anywhere, though he has preferred taking more traditional methods of transit lately. He can possess other humans, but has no desire to do so, since he very much likes the one he has now. Addictions: He used to smoke when he was alive, and he has taken it up again recently because it's such a familiar old habit. He doesn't smoke a ton though, maybe a cigarette or two a day and that's it. Allergies: None. Unless you count holy water, I guess? Mental Health: It's complicated. Obviously, his mental health was not good when he was human-- he suffered from severe anxiety and depression, and eventually ended up taking his own life. Unfortunately, because suicide is considered a mortal sin, his soul was damned, and he was tortured in hell for what felt like an eternity to him. Eventually, his soul was corrupted and he became a demon. He doesn't remember much of his human life-- it's all a blur to him, though memories do come back to him on occasion. His current mental health is obviously not great, with memories of being tortured and of torturing others still fresh in his mind. He's quite the hedonist now, seeking out pleasure wherever he can find it and basically unconcerned with anything else.

H I S T O R Y Job History: He doesn't remember much about his time as a human or what he did for a living. He does kind of remember being in the military-- or at least, the trauma that he experienced-- but beyond that, he doesn't remember his other jobs. Fondest Memories: He has none at this point. All his happy memories were pushed out of his head a long time ago. Worst Experiences: His entire unit being killed when he was in the military, plus he was shot and nearly killed. And then there was the whole, you know, being sent to hell thing. It didn't take long to break him down once he was in hell; he committed suicide wanting to escape his life and escape the pain, so as soon as he realized the pain wasn't going to stop, that was it for him.

C O M M U N I C A T I O N Speech Pace/Style: Before becoming a demon, Eli was very soft-spoken, shy and reserved. He kept to himself for the most part and had a hard time making conversation because he would get so nevous and tongue-tied. That is no longer the case. He now speaks very confidently, not afraid to say what he wants or make demands. Accent: American Favorite Phrases or Words: He has a tendency to (smugly) remind people that "a deal's a deal," if they seem to be contemplating going back on their terms or not holding up their end. Usual Curse Words: He's never been shy with curse words. I mean, he was a military man, and now he's a demon, so yeah.

P E R S O N A L I T Y, M I N D S E T, A N D B E L I E F S Personality Type: As a human, he was an INFJ. Now, he's more of an INTP. Sense of Humor: It's always been pretty dark. He always used to joke about his mental state because it helped him cope, while also allowing him to talk about his feelings without bringing the mood all the way down. That hasn't changed-- he still tends to say disturbing things that he intends to be humorous. Obviously that's not everyone's taste, but he doesn't particularly care. Habits: He used to have a habit of folding his arms across his chest and hunching his shoulders when he was uncomfortable, as if he was trying to make himself smaller. He also had-- and still has-- a habit of drumming his fingers on various surfaces and running his fingers over things like countertops, fabrics, walls, etc. Fears/Phobias: He had a lot of fears before, things he couldn't even name or describe. There was always a general sense of fear and dread in his life that never seemed to go away, until he was with Atti. After coming home from the military, he suffered from severe PTSD and also struggled with agoraphobia, which led to him becoming a bit of a hermit and barely ever leaving his home. As a demon, he still has some fears-- some of that old anxiety is still there, and he is afraid of certain demons he's encountered, always worried about encountering them again. But he is not nearly as terrified of things/life in general as he once was, not now that he's been through literally the worst possible things. Hopes/Desires: He sort of... doesn't have hopes or desires anymore. Or at least, nothing beyond a desire for sex and food and pleasure in general, nothing deeper than that. The only hope he had in his former life was not to be in pain anymore, one way or another, and sadly, that hope was never realized. Self-Esteem: Well, as a human it was pretty terrible. He hated himself, felt he was a burden on everyone he knew, and thought everyone around him would be better off if he was gone. Now his self-esteem is weirdly better? He cares way less about what anyone thinks of him, and only cares about doing what he wants/whatever he feels like. He's definitely not as kind as sweet as he once was, but honestly, he's not as awful as he could be-- he doesn't actively seek to make anyone miserable, he's just selfish and hedonistic. Religion: When he was a human, he wanted to believe in god, or in some higher power that would watch over him. Now he knows that god exists, but he thinks god is a monumental asshole with a sick sense of humor.

R A N D O M Sleeping Position: However is most comfortable in the moment. Usually sprawled out on his stomach. If he had a certain angel to cuddle with, I'm sure Eli would lay practically on top of him~ Boxers or Briefs?: Either, really. Or sometimes neither. Day or Night?: Night for sure. He used to prefer the daytime, but now nighttime feels more welcoming to him. Top or Bottom?: He's always preferred bottom, honestly. But he does like to top on occasion. Partying or Relaxing?: Eli has never been much of a partier. Not even now. He still finds that if he's around too many people for too long, he feels drained afterward and usually ends up with a headache. Relaxing is much more his speed.

R E L A T I O N S H I P S Closest Friend: He used to be friends with Lucas (who was also an angel, unbeknownst to him). He doesn't even remember Lucas now, and he doesn't really have any friends. Relationship History: He only had two relationships before. One during his senior year of high school, with the teacher's assisstant in his English Literature class, which ended when Eli joined the military. And the other being, of course, with Atti, who Eli considered to be the love of his life. He doesn't remember either of them anymore. Sexual Partners: His first boyfriend. A fellow soldier in his unit, who ended up being killed. A one-night stand a few months after he was discharged. And, finally, Atti. Thoughts About Sex: He's always liked sex, but he used to associate it with relationships and love. Now, he only associates it with pleasure and nothing more.

P A R E N T S Name(s): Sawyer and Evelyn Mitchell Occupation(s): His mother was a stay-at-home mom/wife, and his father owned a successful restaurant/bar in Seattle. Quality of Relationship With Their Child: Eli's relationship with his mother was very good, and it was a huge blow to him when she passed away-- Eli was thirteen at the time. His relationship with his father was always more strained. They didn't see eye to eye on most things, but they did love each other. His father was absolutely devastated when Eli killed himself, and never really recovered from it-- he passed away himself just a couple of years later. Living/Deceased: Sadly, they're both dead.

#character: elijah mitchell #ship: atti/eli #spn au #character sheet

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i-want-my-iwtv · 6 years

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Speaking to the connotations of race, it's interesting that people in the fandom want to make Daniel the black character when for so many years, a goodly bulk of this fandom has only attributive Daniel as having any value to the story when he's attached to Armand, or made him the butt of crazy jokes. It seems awfully suspicious to me that the "best' character" to be cast as a POC is the one so many have considered the throw-away one. If that doesn't speak volumes, I don't know what does.

Race. *sigh* I keep revisiting this ask, and each time I do I feel more and more like I don’t want to engage as there are so many landmines.

I didn’t get into fandom for landmines, and so I maneuver around them, and the reason I’m answering this at all is for those who are thinking about topics like these but are too afraid to respond for fear of the landmines.

I’m responding bc I feel like if sharing my perspective could make just one person feel better about this, then it’s worth the risk and worth my time and effort.

THAT SAID, I’m not sure which post you’re referring to, Anon, but there was one a few weeks ago in which another Anon asked/said:

I’m up for Daniel being Black in the adaptation. His race isn’t mentioned specifically in the books, and we need diversity in an ocean of white Eurotrash fops! I don’t see any reason why not and Bryan cast the lead in American Gods as black so I’m hopeful to see some good changes in Anne’s work. What do you think?

^Here’s one person who wants to cast Daniel as POC/Black, and they seemed to be accentuating the positive. They want diversity. They compared him to the lead from American Gods being cast as black. I don’t watch that show so I don’t know if that character is the “butt of crazy jokes” or only has value being attached to another character, but it seems to me, at face value, that this Anon thinks that Daniel being cast as POC/Black is parallel with the lead of another series being cast as POC/Black, this Anon states that as being a good change.

I answered that Anon more in depth with some historical context, so you can look at that response, but basically, Anne is open to casting POC for VC characters. I’m open to it! I trust in whoever is running the adaptation to produce it in a tasteful and respectful way, and updating it to be inspiring and satisfying to a wider audience would be great, however that happens.

TL:DR; I think people do care about Daniel, and would love to see a character that they care about, like Daniel, be cast as a POC as a good thing. Daniel is not perfect (none of them are! Except Mojo) but he has many positive traits: he’s clever, resourceful, sassy, charismatic, capable of loving and being loved in return. I think people would love for the adaptation to show that those traits can absolutely be found in POC, too. We do need more positive representation like that.

Reminder that this is a fandom blog for entertainment and I am not here to make/agree/disagree with political statements that are potentially inflammatory. Not my focus. But I will address your points to some extent.

Speaking to the connotations of race, it’s interesting that people in the fandom want to make Daniel the black character

I haven’t seen an enormous amount of people in the fandom wanting this change, I think one blog is dedicated to it? I’ve mostly seen interest and support for casting a POC as Akasha, since that casting in movie!QOTD was pretty widely praised. I see people talking about considering casting other characters as POC, but I don’t see anyone other than Akasha as being the main character of interest for that.

One could criticize that choice as being bad, as it could imply that POC/Black women are villains, bc she was a villain in that movie. That’s not the message I took from that casting choice, but one could easily argue that that was a message being sent (and therefore, Bad representation, even though she was cast as a character in a position of power).

when for so many years, a goodly bulk of this fandom has only attributive Daniel as having any value to the story when he’s attached to Armand, or made him the butt of crazy jokes.

“for so many years” covers decades of time, these books have been around since 1976. Reflecting back to when I started in this in 1993 (which was already almost 20 yrs late), I can’t say that any character has escaped being the butt of crazy jokes in all this time, and with the nature of shipping, many of the characters seem to only have value when attached to other characters.

Re: shipping: it seems like ships are more prevalent in fanworks than fanworks portraying the characters on their own, and so it may give the impression that fandom “prefers the characters as part of a ship,” but personally, I think of shipping as the collision of 2 (or more) characters, to see how they’ll interact: in happiness, sadness, anger, all the different ways! Writing about a ship can allow a fanartist/writer/etc. to explore how each member of the ship will react in actions/words/etc.to the other’s actions/words/etc. So I can see how you might get the impression that “Daniel only has value as being attached to Armand,” but I think it’s more about how Daniel presents himself when he is with Armand, that’s what the fanworks are exploring.

Along those lines, however you interpret that ship, the bulk of Daniel’s post-IWTV “screentime” was in QOTD, with Armand, and after that, Daniel doesn’t get much action in canon until the more recent books (but even then, not as much as in QOTD). As the fandom does tend to ship Daniel with Armand, and plenty of it that I’ve seen (especially in fanart) is somewhat fluffy, again, I can see why you might get the impression that “he’s only valued when attached to Armand,” but really, I think Daniel/Armand shippers are fascinated with the dynamic of that ship. It’s rarely fluffy in canon. So some of them make fanworks for wish fulfillment, and that’s valid.

Personally, I don’t think Daniel’s only value to the story is when he’s attached to Armand, but again, he spends most of his time in canon with Armand, maybe that’s why the fandom doesn’t tend to write him on his own time separately.

Re: being the “butt of crazy jokes”: As a side note, when we joke about characters, that’s not to say that that’s always a negative act. Look, we’re currently dragging Lestat bc he said IN CANON that he loved being called a “slut,” which is really more of a layered commentary on shaming people for enjoying sex/intimacy, and he refuses to be shamed for it, he’ll turn around and take it as a compliment instead ;)

I’ve been in this fandom for over 20 years and I don’t think Daniel has gotten the worst treatment in those terms, it seems to me that there have been waves of love/interest/disdain/mockery of most of the main (and side) characters at different points in time, and from different groups of fans. So that may be your experience, and that’s absolutely valid, but I haven’t seen it that way. Of all the characters, I think Lestat probably gets the worst of being the butt of crazy jokes and he likes it bc bad attention is better than no attention.

It seems awfully suspicious to me that the “best’ character” to be cast as a POC is the one so many have considered the throw-away one. If that doesn’t speak volumes, I don’t know what does.

I’m sorry, but I have to disagree here, too. I wouldn’t say he’s a throw-away character for the whole fandom. There are Daniel RPers. As I’ve mentioned, it happens that he doesn’t have a lot of action in canon other than in books 1 (as just the interviewer, but it counts!) and 3, so the fandom does not have as much canon to work with as they do for other characters.

And again, re: the fandom choosing him as “the best character” to be cast as a POC, that seems to be Akasha, from what I’ve seen.

Relevant to this discussion: there was a wave of love for Nicolas a few years back, for the same reasons, I think, that @mendedpixie7 felt about Adam in Only Lovers Left Alive:

The reason I love Only Lovers Left Alive is it shows that a character (Adam) can be severely mentally ill, in this case depressed and suicidal, and still be seen as lovable and capable of being loved and loving in return without being “cured” of their mental illness, and that a mentally ill character can have other attributes aside from being mentally ill while still showing the impact being mentally ill has on his personality.

Adam from OLLA is an extremely important character to me you guys.

Similarly, I think people would love to see a character that they care about, like Daniel, be cast as a POC as being POC is often portrayed negatively in media. Fans of a POC being cast as Daniel would want (I’m paraphrasing from above):

to see Danielshowing that a character can be POC, in this case black, and still be seen as lovable and capable of being loved and loving in return, and that a POC character can have other attributes aside from being POC while still showing the impact being POC has on his personality.

Daniel Molloy from VC is an extremely important character to me you guys.

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decideroffate · 7 years

Text

Since my Fates fan fiction is going down an entirely different path I really wanted to share the original plan. Clearly not all every detail is here, but the key stuff is.

A few things to note that applies to all routes a lot of this still remains true to the current fan fiction, so slight spoilers.

Mikoto is the mother of Takumi and Sakura

Azura is not all-knowing. As much as I like her I could make a drinking game with all the plot twists she spews that comes straight the fuck out of nowhere

Scarlet and her rebellion are a joke. I hate the Cheve chapters because, what the fuck are the rebelling against exactly?! Raised taxes? The equivalent of police brutality? What?! At least the Ice Tribe has justification with Flora and Felicia.

Izana has himself a lady named Mine, who is with child. Whether or not Izana and Mine are married, or if their child is born depends on when he’s met in the route (he’s married and his child is born in Conquest, but not Birthright) At the end of Conquest and Birthright they’re likely married though.

Lake travel is tweaked a little in order to keep traveling somewhat consistent. To get to Valla via lake you need to be from Valla, to get back from Valla it’s… not necessary, but helps to have a Vallite with you. Or at least someone who used to lake travel, for no other reason than keeping calm.

There’s no Deeprealms. Birthright and Conquest take place over the course of ten years.

Birthright

Almost after the battle, the repricautions of Vaiana’s choice hit hard. Not helped by Hinoka treating it as a victory for Hoshido, which leads her and Sakura to have an argument over it (probably not the worst out there, but still jarring considering it’s Sakura). Jakob is the only one Vaiana wants to see. A day or so later there is a bit of discussion about Jakob’s presents in Hoshido, but Vaiana lays down the law, either he stays, or they go.

Shortly after Vaiana is relocated into an empty fort, with the only other people living there with her being Sakura, Tsubaki, Hana, and Azura. She’s kept there for about three years and the fact that she’s gone from one gilded cage to another is not lost on her. Vaiana even outright says that Garon was never cruel enough to tease her with the size.

Vaiana decides she’s had enough when she hears about a border village under the attack of Faceless. Gathering anyone willing to go with her Vaiana marches to the village only to find they’re too late, there are no survivors. Mozu’s dismembered body joins the rest of her village in the funeral pier.

Throught the route Iago (and later Garon) express disappointment in Vaiana and her apparent understanding of the situation. And the meeting with the Rainbow Sage happens far sooner. Throughout Azura is not treated with the same respect as she does in-game, making it clear that she was never really considered a part of the family.

The Chevios rebellion is treated as an utter joke. As Jakob and Vaiana are quick to point out, they have no reason to rebel. As it would turn out, the ‘rebels’ are just a bunch of bored, untrained, over privileged children, who are very much aware that if Scarlet agrees to Ryoma’s alliance, they’re going to march to their deaths. Because of this, a few members of the Chevios rebellion abduct Vaiana with the intent of weaponizing her dragon form. All this earns them is a rogue dragon the Hoshidan army has to subdue before Vaiana loses herself.

The ordeal leaves Vaiana bitter and no longer feeling safe. When Scarlet tries apologize, she makes the mistake of saying she had no part in her attack. Vaiana, using her partial transformations, nearly causes the building they’re in to collapse during her beat down of Scarlet. Scarlet’s soldiers abducted Vaiana because they were afraid of dying because they were untrained. As their leader Scarlet should have done better, she was just as much responsible for Vaiana’s attack as her actual attackers.

Around the same time, Jakob, furious that Hoshido has hurt Vaiana far more than Nohr ever did lays down a mighty Reason You Suck Speech (in the vain of Last Midnight from Into the Woods). It’s because of this that Ryoma refuses an alliance with Scarlet he goes on to lead the frontline while Vaiana tries to recover from her physical and mental injuries from the ordeal. It’s mentioned that the Nohrian armies put an end to the Chevois rebellion and Scarlet was killed via public hanging. What’s left of the rebellion disbanded and went on to live quite lives.

After a slight time skip, Vaiana is still left rather jaded and is only just beginning to feel safe around strangers.

After Kaze dies Vaiana is screaming at Saizo to take it out on her. He doesn’t, only saying Kaze went above and beyond the call of duty, something Vaiana feels is worse than had he actually yelled. It’s not helped at all when Kagero explains that the ninja are taught not to get too attached, or show outward emotion.

Jakob has no sympathy for Flora, calling her pathetic, and a coward. Vaiana realizes just how much he hated her. Jakob sympathies do go to Felicia as she had lost everything and has little means to take care of herself because of it.

In the Woods of Forlorn Niles goes as far as to claim that Vaiana has done worst than he could ever do to Leo. He even applauds her talent. The backtrack to the Rainbow Sage doesn’t happen as it happened during the intial cross to Nohr. Nor dose

Camilla and Leo are very much aware that just talking things out isn’t going to work. Far too late for that. But both decide it’s something Vaiana and Elise need to learn for themselves. They both expected Elise to live, though. After Elise dies Xander’s far more blatant about his suicide attempt, taking things into his own hands when Vaiana refuses to fight. Xander’s passing leaves Vaiana a shell of her former self and adopts the mentality of ‘I’m going hell, might as well get ready for the take-over.’ Laslow and Peri were also killed.

Azura’s husband is present for Azura’s death. (Well, okay, obviously not Kaze but you know…) Despite the pain she’s in Azura both wants to see her children one last time but doesn’t want them to see their mother die in front of them.

As opposed to Ryoma’s coronation, the Hoshidan’s witness Leo’s coronation. Takumi always thought Nohr wasn’t picky when it came to gender. And they’re not, but Camilla claims that a vengeful queen is the last thing Nohr needs as she would surely drag Nohr and Hoshido to hell after everything they’ve done. All with an unnerving smile. Hinoka awkwardly states that she always thought Camilla had no sense of humor. According to Vaiana, Camilla wasn’t lying.

It’s noted that Odin resigned as Leo’s retainer and explained that he was old friends with Laslow and likely returned to their unknown homeland. The implication being that Owain returned to Ylisse to inform Olivia and her husband (in this case Lon’qu) of what happened to Inigo. It’s also mentioned that of the Awakening Trio, Selena’s staying in Nohr, even after Camilla abdicated her royal title and essentially reclassed into a Witch. Camilla is essentially roommates with her old retainers.

When meeting Azura at the lake Vaiana’s convinced she was just imagining things. To her, it’d make more sense for Azura’s ghost to stick around her children. It’s also noted that Vaiana’s holding on to the pendant. She and Azura’s husband will later decide who to give it to.

Vaiana, broken by war, stars dulling her pain by drinking. It’s implied she’s also gone to self-harm. The people of Nohr have started pressuring Leo to retaliate against Hoshido for that they’ve done in the war. The subject of marriage has come up in an attempt to ease tensions, however, Hinoka is already married with a child on the way. Leading Vaiana to suggest she offer herself.

Ryoma and Yukimura talk about it in private. Yukimura mentions that, though it’s through marriage, Vaiana is still a princess of Hoshido. And he would not have been surprised it Sumeragi and Mikoto discussed the idea. However, Vaiana, looking to talk to Ryoma about her suggestion, suddenly appears inside asking what Yukimura meant when he called her a princess through marriage. Slowly, her reeling mind figures it out herself, she’s not Sumeragi’s child.

Both men try to explain it, no she’s not Sumeragi’s daughter, but he was there where her real father wasn’t. He was there since she was born. Vaiana, however, demands to know when they planned on telling her. Neither Yukimura nor Ryoma has an answer for her. Not only does Vaiana realize Ryoma had absolutely no intention of ever telling her, she get’s it in her head that Mikoto was never going to tell her either (having no proof, either way, muddles it just a bit).

Realizing she had no more obligation to Hoshido than she did Nohr finally pushes Vaiana over the edge. She puts her all into destroying her dragonstone, and like steam released from a pot, her troubles are gone. Vaiana’s mind deteriorates, consumed by one thought alone; the continent was not worth saving. Allowing the beast to completely take over, Vaiana sets her sights on bringing an end to Hoshido and Nohr.

Conquest

The earliest changes in this comes in Jakob essentially taking Silas’s place when explaining things to Vaiana. And, skipping ahead a little, there is a bit of discussion between Silas and Vaiana when Vaiana made Kaze her second retainer over Silas. The fact of the matter is, Vaiana really does not like how Silas refuses to acknowledge that things have changed, and REALLY doesn’t like how he’s essentially using her to make himself feel better. She’s had enough of that with both sets of siblings.

Unlike Birthright, Mozu is actually saved by Leo. When they do meet, Vaiana offers to take her in. And when Garon and Azura do meet, Garon ends up having something akin to a heart attack

After defeating Hinoka in Notre Sagesse, Kaze switches sides, noting that Mikoto was very much aware that Vaiana may want to return to Nohr, and only asked her children to respect it. The only one doing that is Sakura. Meanwhile, Rinkah, realizing that Vaiana’s been avoiding deaths, and having warmed up to her while bringing her to Hoshdio, informs Hinoka that the Flame Tribe will no longer cooperate with Hoshido.

A little later Vaiana and Kaze have their talk about what happened the night she was taken, something they never had until the last moment in Hoshido.

Elise and a few other members of the group end up getting sick. Vaiana is far, FAR angrier with Ryoma for the tact he’s using, even saying he would fit in pretty well in Nohr just to get a rise out of him. Meanwhile, Kaze tries to explain his reasons for defecting to Saizo, and Kagero. Kagero is a bit more willing to listen.

A reoccurring theme is that Vaiana will not allow herself to be bullied into feeling guilty for leaving Hoshido. Especially since she barely knew them. Takumi was unwilling to give her a chance, Hinoka was unwilling to get to know Vaiana as she is now over the girl she was then, and Ryoma was busy. The only person who get’s any guilt out of her is Sakura, the only one she really bonded with and the only one who really has Vaiana’s happiness in mind.

As is the case with Birthright Scarlet’s rebellion is a joke, and Garon’s finally had enough for their mischief and the people coming to him about raising taxes because of their actions (property damage, wasted food that could be harvest). And as is the case with Birthright Scarlet ends up being put to death in a public hanging. This time, however, Vaiana get’s to see the public reactions, and she does pity Scarlet slightly as no one’s going to miss her.

In Cyrkensia Azura dose her ritual in an attempt to purge Garon of Anankos’ influence. When that fails, rather than ordering the performers killed, Cyrkensia is searched for the singer. Unfortunately, some maidens who bare a passing resemblance are also brought in for further questioning.

When Vaiana follows Azura into Valla Azura starts to suspect that Mikoto may have been from Valla. But before she can dwell on it too long they’re met by Gunter, prompting Azura to explain that she struggled to get him out without the risk of getting them both killed. Then there was the issue of finding the lake. In private Azura explains that she has when she looks at Garon. And the fact that the castle healers couldn’t find a definitive answer to what was ailing Garon when he had his ‘heart attack’ which further causes unease. She had hoped that she could find something of use in the surviving archives of Valla, but she decides not to push her luck for the time being.

Beruka finds the three shortly after they return to Cyrkensia. Garon was attacked while they were gone, the only thing witnesses could agree on was the assailant has short, vibrant red hair. While the princesses follow Beruka to Garon, Gunter stays behind and mentions that things were going according to plan.

All of Cyrkensia is on alert after Garon’s attack, the king himself is in the infirmary with Iago, leaving Xander to lead the search parties. Vaiana asks if it was really Hinoka, and while Xander agrees she fit’s the description, he chooses to believe that she isn’t stupid enough to do something like this without covering her most promenade feature. Meanwhile, Iago starts muttering to himself, wondering why Hinoka hasn’t been caught yet. Garon, speaking quite clearly for someone who was just attacked, isn’t all that concerned. The last thing Iago smells is death before an ax flashes.

The search goes on for hours, and it’s only after the royals regroup do they hear one of Cyrkensia’s healers scream. The scream in question came from Garon’s room. Xander and Leo find the healer dead on the floor beside Iago, and Slime Garon standing above them. Whether or not Garon’s attack put a sort of enchantment over him is unknown, but Garon starts attacking without rhyme or reason. It’s noted in the description that the stench of decay follows Garon wherever he goes, and in certain lighting, one could swear they can see bones under the slime. Though the royals try to talk sense into Garon, Xander is forced to realize that it’s a losing fight and kills Garon in the hopes he’s released of whatever claimed him.

As an ‘epilogue’ of sorts it’s revealed that Garon’s real attacker was the late Queen Ikona as a Vallite Soldiers and that the recently deceased Iago has been resurrected as one such soldier. Some bits of Iago’s original personality remains, as he’s giddy as soon as he realized what Anankos’ plan was. With everyone thinking Hinoka was the one responsible for Garon’s attack and subsequent madness Xander will be pressured into retaliation.

Sure enough, sometime after Xander’s coronation the people of Nohr are demanding Hinoka answer to her alleged crime. Xander, however, is not so quick as to call for Hinoka’s head just yet and tries to set up a meeting with Ryoma to talk things out, he refuses every time until Xander is left with little choice but to invade.

From then on what happens for a while happens as it dose in-game. Sakura is captured, but Elise tries to explain that they initially just wanted to talk things out with Ryoma and Hinoka, even get an alibi. But Sakura counters with the fact that it’s too late now. Nohr’s people are convinced.

I’m going to have to cut this part short as I’m actually reusing it for the revised version.

Revelation

I actually never got around to writing an outline for this one, but I do know of some points that were going to be in it.

While it’s true for the other two routes, Vaiana suspects she isn’t Sumeragi’s daughter as she realizes she did not inherit anything from him. Likewise, she figures out her relation to Anankos on her own.

Izana dies, and Mine takes over until their child comes of age. The child is born by the time of Vaiana’s corrination

After the battle with Xander and Ryoma’s forces in Nestria Azura and Vaiana return to Valla to talk freely, but as it turns out, Takumi followed them. Vaiana realizes that Mikoto had to have been from Valla because of it.

The Rainbow Sage is confirmed to be Vaiana’s paternal grandfather (likewise the case with Lilith, who already knew).

This is the only route Scarlet scurvies, ironically, because she doesn’t go along on the adventure. The one who takes her place to die however is either Yukimura or Flora. I hadn’t fully deiced either or, both work, and both wouldn’t have been so painfully obvious.

Fuga and Flora would have had a Big Damn Heroes moment, arriving during White Flames.

Ryoma and Vaiana actually talk about what happened when she was taken. And during Ryoma’s support with Xander he decides to put his trust in Xander by revealing Vaiana’s true origin to him (or at least what he knows).

#cits

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alittlecstaticxilophone · 7 years

Text

The protective lover

Trigger warning: suicide, thoughts of suicide, death.

MC left her bedroom in a hurry as soon as she was able to change herself into something more appropriate than her brown pajamas. She was supposed to be at the main room with her father at nine o’clock in the morning to attend some meetings related to her future as the queen. Unfortunately, she had just woken up and had to run from her bedroom to the main room to avoid arriving thirty minutes late and getting a lecture about responsibility and her future duty that would have to be repeated the next time she had a mishap. It was a wonder for her how he never gave up about teaching her how to rule.

She was already beginning to celebrate that she wouldn’t get much more than a simple scowl and a grunt from her father when she bumped into someone so hard she ended up falling over herself. The man in front of her stood still with a shocked expression on his face

-Your majesty! -He said making a quick reverence and helping her to stand up –I’m really sorry! It won’t happen again I swear! I was just on my way to see my cousin and hand her these papers but I got lost and now I bumped into you, I’m sorry!-

MC stared at him as he helped her get up wondering whose cousin he was and why she never met him before; he had bright blonde hair and purple eyes and didn’t stood too tall above her, just enough to look down at her. She giggled at his panicked expression wondering if he thought she was going to shop his head off because of an accident.

-Don’t worry-she dismissed covering her mouth to quiet her laugh –Where are you going? I could explain you the way more easily I’ve grown up here after all- she heard him mutter a soft “right” before looking around himself

-The main room, I searched for my cousin in her office but they told me he was in the main room with the king waiting for the princess, - He explained

-Then let’s go together- she invited, his face began to paint itself in a vibrant red color, embarrassed

-Are you sure?- he asked –no one will say anything?-

-Who cares?- MC shrugged beginning to walk so he could follow her –They are going to scold me for arriving late anyways. In the best of cases they will award you for bringing my lazy ass into the meeting- She joked as he began to hurry his steps to be able to walk besides her

-What’s your name?- She asked as soon as he was by her side the papers in his hands as he clutched them close preventing them from falling thanking they hadn’t fell when he bumped into her.

-I’m Yoosung Kim your majesty- the boy answered

-I like your name-

-Thank you, yours it’s pretty too your majesty- Yoosung mumbled with his cheeks red, everyone knew their monarch’s name after all.

-Where are you from Yoosung?- she asked looking at the front feeling slightly bad for his nervous state, the first rule she would make as soon as she was queen was that everyone was capable of calling her by her name, that way people wouldn’t feel intimidated by her presence.

-I’m from a nearby town your majesty- he explained, - It’s not too far from here, it takes nearly two hours in carriage to come but I was around visiting my cousin since I’m going to dedicate to cure people so one of my cousin’s servants told me to bring this to her because she forgot, which is weird because she never forgets anything- Yoosung began to ramble, like his nervously had vanished for a few seconds. A light pink still covered his cheeks –I’m sorry, I should have let you speak, forgive me please- his nervous self seemed to return, she smiled at him with kindness.

-You don’t have to apologize so much; I’ve never been beyond the capital. Please tell me more about your home, what is it like? - She questioned, pure curiosity lingering in her voice, he swallowed hard.

-Well it’s usually sunny and it has a nice weather, it rains too much in here; there is barely even cloudy most of the nights are bright and starry- Yoosung explaining as MC listened attentively at every word. –My mom told me the night I was born was one of the brightest nights she had seen in her life so he named me in honor of it. Isn’t that cool? - Yoosung asked

-That is cool- MC said with sincerity, stopping in front of the big wooden doors were her father was

-We’re here- she said, he nodded trying not to drop anything in the stack of papers he was carrying opening the door for her, she whispered a quick “thank you” before entering were her father was; he followed her close bowing as soon as he was in front of the king. Rika, the counselor and his cousin was besides him talking about something neither of them could hear.

Yoosung stood behind her hearing her tapping her foot against the floor, the king and Rika turned their sights at them, a scowl covered the older man’s face when he noticed his daughter standing in the middle of the room.

-Why are you so late? - The king asked probably already knowing what his daughter’s answer would be.

-I’m really sorry father, but I was reading a chapter of “Dreams of Golden Dust” and before I knew it it was already too late and I ended up oversleeping- she smiled sheepishly, the king let out a tired sigh

-I love that book too!- Yoosung said out loud ignoring the stares of other people –What part are you on?-

-After she confessed his feelings to him- MC turned excited of having someone with who she could talk about her favorite book

-That’s the best part! It’s a shame she had to dream about him to see him- He lamented, she looked at him like he had told the absolute true, with her mouth open

-I know!- she said –I can’t wait to finish it-

-You are going to love the ending your majesty- Yoosung said,

-What? What happens at the ending?- her excitement grew with every word he spoke about it.

-I’m afraid you’ll have to discover it yourself- Yoosung smiled, she looked at him with a fake frown

-Don’t be…

-What are you doing here Yoosung?- Rika interrupted the talk between the two of them

-Oh, right!- Yoosung said in realization walking towards Rika to hand her the papers he had been holding between his hands –They told me you had forgotten them so I brought them for you-

-Thank you, Yoosung- Rika said taking the papers out of his hands scanning over them wondering how she had forgotten them.

Yoosung gave another reverence at the king ready to leave when MC called him.

-Can Yoosung stay for eating time father? Please, it will be nice to have someone new on the table- MC begged, Yoosung stared at him and the king mildly confused as the older man meditated his answer.

-He can stay but you have to finish today’s lessons completely- he countered, MC nodded excitedly

-Perfect! I’ll begin working then, see you later Yoosung!- she began walking towards her father, sometimes she had history lessons about all the other kings and queens before her and what made them good or bad rulers. Today, apparently they would settle with a simple talk.

-Of course, see you later your majesties- Yoosung muttered shocked unable to believe that he had been invited to eat in the palace by the princess herself.

He settled with exploring the garden on his own until the hours passed and someone came out looking for him claiming it has time to eat and the table was already being served. He thanked the man and followed in his way towards the dining room, it would be embarrassing if he got lost a second time.

By the time he arrived the food was already served and the king and the princess were waiting for him, she smiled widely at him indicating that he could sit beside her. After apologizing for the delay he sat where she had indicated feeling the king’s gaze over him.

-Where are you from Yoosung?- the king asked grabbing a piece of quiche from the one in front of him as the princess grabbed chicken, he followed them taking a piece of quiche like the king had done

-I’m from Ulse, - Yoosung answered putting a piece of the quiche in front of him into his mouth tasting how delicious it was.

-What do you do?- MC asked swallowing the kitchen

-I’m currently trying to fill forms to enter in a place where I’m planning to study Medicine- Yoosung said taking a sip from the orange juice in front of him, he didn’t want to risk getting drunk in front of such important people

-That’s impressive- the king said –your purple eyes are quite outstanding, are you, by causality the son of Dong-sun Kim and his wife?-

-I am, your majesty- Yoosung admitted

-Your father does a good job- The king said.

In other parts Kim was a regular name, in Ulse, however, they were the protectors, the ones who took care of everything in the name of the king. Since that had always been Yoosung’s father job he never felt the need to visit the palace. Yoosung thanked the king for his words.

-How old are you?- MC asked looking at him up and down trying to mentally guess it

-20 your majesty- Yoosung said, MC smiled widely

-You’re only a year older than me!- she pointed gleefully at herself. Yoosung didn’t know how to answer to that so, with a flushed face on his part the rest of the dinner continued in silence.

The first in standing up to leave was the king and after him followed the princess and Yoosung.

-I’m afraid I have to leave now your majesties; it was an honor to be invited to eat with you- Yoosung made a reverence

-Tell hello to you father on my part, MC accompany him to the door- the king dismissed leaving the room.

MC turned herself to him and began following him trying to think of anything they could talk about that wouldn’t make the twenty years old a blushing mess. Her mind began to navigate towards every topic they could talk about until her mind finally settled with something

-Why medicine?- she asked remembering his words at the table

-I want to help the people somehow, so I figured this was a better way of doing it- he smiled

-I think that it’s a wonderful profession; maybe someday you’ll find a cure for what killed my mother- Yoosung stood speechless at the princess words, hardly anyone ever spoke about the sad circumstances under the ones the kingdom’s beloved queen had passed away.

-I’ll do what I can your majesty- he answered observing how close the door was.

-Good- she said stopping in front of the door.

-It’s time for me to leave, Goodbye your majesty- Yoosung said as soon as he tried to gave a step beyond the castle’s door he felt her grabbing his arm pulling him back, the gesture moved him and added a red tint to his face

-Maybe you could send a letter some time- MC invited, smiling at him, he gave a quick nod unable to bring himself to deny the offer.

-I will your majesty, have a nice day- He bid farewell desperate to leave so he would not make a fool out of himself.

-Call me MC- she indicated, he looked at her slightly confused knowing she didn’t realize the weight of her words, the only reason no one called the royalty by their names was because calling someone by their name denoted familiarity and a welcoming to their lives, something not many people had with each other, especially with people who were in a higher hierarchy than them. Common people grew to be wary of the royal family after an incident with one of their ancestors.

Somehow, Yoosung found himself smiling at her invitation

-Of course MC- he said smiling wider when her smile grew at the fact that someone beyond her father, Rika and her deceased mother called her by her name.

The first letter that arrived swept MC out of her feet, it was a simple enough letter, he just told her about his journey back to his home and talked a bit about his family and how his day by day was. It took MC an entire day to figure out a proper response for him unable to think of to tell him. She was excited for knowing someone who could tell her about the life beyond the palace’s doors and the capital. She was happy to hear from people that weren’t from her direct family, or people she considered the family. MC felt nothing but joy the few times he appeared around to surprise her with a visit.

Yoosung was in a similar mood in his home, it was hard explaining why letters with the royal envelope came to his home and why no one else besides him was allowed to open it. Whenever a letter arrived for him, he made space between his books for study and wrote an answer back to her and spent every second waiting for the reply following the mailman around when he knew a letter was supposed to arrive.

Like the pile of untouchable items in Yoosung’s bedroom the feelings MC and Yoosung harbored for each other began to grow. MC wasn’t entirely aware how it had happened for her it was just fate making its work. However Yoosung could quote the letter number twenty two as the one that made him realize his feelings, and the thirty seven as the one where she had said yes to be with him.

A year of exchanging letter passed by and now Yoosung was pacing back and forth waiting for the king to open his doors at him. He had request a private reunion with the king in the hopes that he would agree to let MC marry with him. His family was wary at first, with the exception of his sister, she was a bundle of joy from the instant he told her he had a girlfriend. Even with their doubts at the beginning they had eventually come with terms and even gave him the family ring so he could propose to her.

-You may come in- a guard indicated and Yoosung nodded feeling the weight of the nervousness over his shoulders as he stepped inside.

-Your majesty- Yoosung knelt in front of the king grateful that MC was nowhere to be seen that afternoon otherwise, he would have felt his nervousness sound even louder in his chest,

-You called for this meeting- The king stated simple and clear –What do you want?- He was hopeful the king would begin some friendly chatter like MC would have done, instead he was practically ordered to go straight to the point. He gulped trying to gather the courage to speak the next words

-I wanted to talk this with you before anyone else your majesty, I wish to request MC’s hand in marriage, if you allow it of course- He made another reverence feeling how the king eyed him up and down

-No- the answer was simple; yet, Yoosung stared at the man in the throne in front of him with his eyes wide in surprise

-Why not?!- Even he was surprised at his own choice of words, very few people could dare to question the King’s choices and Yoosung saw how the man raised an eyebrow at being questioned

-What can you offer for my daughter? I have men from other kingdoms asking for her hand. People with who I could have alliances that will our kingdom stronger against our enemies and will bring us a key to achieve victory. What do you have?- the king questioned, Yoosung blushed

-I am a member of one of the wealthiest families in the kingdom, I am a well educated man that could help with strategies, and I love her- Yoosung defended himself, trying to find a reason that would make him worthy in eyes of the king although it was hard to beat an army when your army had already sworn loyalty at the man in front of you.

-And will love protect her in case of an attack from the enemy? Will love keep her safe if the enemy reaches our palace? As educated as you are young boy you can’t protect her from real danger-

-There must be something I can do to prove you that I can protect her!-Yoosung contradicted wondering his options –I am strong! Give me a way to prove it to you!- The king pressed a finger over his mouth looking for a way to get rid of the boy so he wouldn’t pester him about marrying his daughter again.

-I want you to bring our enemy’s heart. Then you will marry my daughter- The king thought that would be enough, that Yoosung would step away from him and his daughter’s life and leave room for a better suitor.

-I will- Yoosung’s voice echoed in the room making the king stare wide eyed at him, the blond man was grateful he was too far to see his hands trembling.

-What are you saying?- the king questioned giving Yoosung a chance to back away from his choice.

-I said that I will do it- Yoosung secured –I’m going to leave in three days, just give me time to say goodbye to MC and my family- The king nodded and dismissed him with a gesture of the hand, Yoosung bowed one last time before leaving the room.

As he walked towards MC bedroom the weight of his choice finally fell down on him making him tremble with nervousness. He couldn’t believe he had just agreed to not only go to war but to also kill the enemy. He was unable to tolerate the killing of a pet, how was he going to kill a person? That its only ignoring the fact that people stronger than him had left and never returned, there was no way he would come back.

He stopped right in front of MC’s bedroom knowing for the sound of adorable out of tune singing that she was inside. He doubted in front of the door questioning if he was ready to say goodbye. His hand knocked on the door three times before the singing stopped and the door opened to reveal MC behind it. Her face lit up when she saw him and a smile adorned her face, he would miss her smile the most.

-Yoosung! It’s good to see you, come in!- She moved from the doorway to let him come in, it was the first time he stepped inside her bedroom, he hoped in the depths of his heart it wouldn’t be the last one.

-Thank you MC- he said stepping inside admiring his surroundings, the bedroom was large and furniture with a comfortable appearance besides the bed decorated it, a few paintings hung from the walls including one with her and the queen in it.

-How have you been Yoosung? I’ve been asking Rika about you but she only gives me vague answers and it has been a while since your last letter- MC began the conversation, there it was, she never went straight to the point and instead left people the option to think their words.

-I’ve been better.- He admitted taking a seat in one of the couches after she did making sure to sit in front of her proving he had been right, the furniture was indeed comfortable.

-Why’s that?- MC questioned, genuine concern on her voice, Yoosung gulped nervous meditating careful his next choice of words figuring there was no easy way out.

-I came to say goodbye…

-What? - MC questioned standing up from her seat; he repeated the action clutching his fists at his sides trying to give himself a boost in confidence.

-I came to say goodbye because I will go to fight in the war- She didn’t need to hear that he was supposed to bring someone’s heart.

-Why? - She asked crossing her arms –You aren’t a fighter Yoosung and I love that about you-

-Because it’s the only way to prove I’m worthy of you- Yoosung admitted, MC stared at him with a frown before her expression turned into one of curiosity and indignation.

-What made you think that?-

-I talked with your father and he told me that the only way to pursue a deeper relationship with you was to go to war and come back once it was finished- He admitted fully aware that he couldn’t lie to her

-You don’t have to go Yoosung- MC pleaded grabbing both of his wrists with her hands –Don’t go, do not even listen to him, we can make it work out, I could try to talk him out of it. If he says no then I can run away and live with you. You promised to show me your home, remember? - She smiled sweetly

-No MC- he shook his head from side to side denying her options even though he remembered the promise –I have to go, you are the princess I would be unable to hide you forever- He explained

-You don’t have to leave but you refuse to see it for no other reason than pride- She snapped an upset frown made its way to her forehead

-And what if he’s right? What if I’m too weak?- he countered back closing his eyes,

-You aren’t- she affirmed pulling him closer to her so she could sit beside him

-You can’t know that- he said rubbing his head with his hands – What if someone dangerous comes and I can’t protect you? If we ever got married what king can’t protect his own people?-

-You are better than that- MC tried to find a way to persuade to stay with her instead of going far away to fight the unknown but her options were running slimmer

-I’m going to protect you, if I have to go across the world to do it I will- he affirmed, she smiled with sadness at his determination before grabbing his hand and resting her head in his shoulder.

-I still think it’s a foolish decision- she surrendered, Yoosung smiled sheepishly in response. –You are kind, that’s enough for me-

-Not for your father- Yoosung said with a slight pink in his cheeks.

-You won’t let me stop you, will you?- she finally gave him the acceptance he was expecting from her

-No- he denied –Sorry- Yoosung apologized.

-At least promise me you will write- she begged, in return he looked at her with a smile

-Every single day- he said as he kissed surprised at his own boldness.

She melted into the kiss feeling his lips above her own regretting it was a goodbye kiss; she wished it was a simple first. One like her servants had told her about when they talked about their younger days and firsts loves.

They felt each other close his heart beating nervous in his chest, it was his first kiss, a quite estrange occurrence for someone who had twenty one years old. He felt it was worth it, she tasted like orange and chocolate, a combination he was unaware he would miss until that moment. Careful, he separated himself from her wondering if it had been the right time to stop it. He stared at her, watching the blush in her cheeks aware he must portray a similar look without the surprise in her face.

Still, he wasn’t ready to let go of her so he reached once more for her, his lips brushing over hers for another kiss, this time, his hands traveled to her waist to hold her closer and her hands reached his neck and brushed his hair in the back of it. It was more decided than the first one, surer of what he was doing. To her, he tasted like apple, she was thankful he couldn’t hear her heart beat in her chest he would have probably stopped thinking she was beginning to have some trouble with her heart. Once again; only the lack of oxygen separated them. He joined his forehead with hears and brushed her cheeks as a silent sad tear fell down.

They stood like that for a while, neither of them said anything. There was nothing to be said that hasn’t been said already, after that he kissed her forehead and left. He didn’t want her to see him cry. When the door closed behind him, MC couldn’t even reunite the strength to go to her bed and fell where she was, letting her tears wet the sofa.

She heard from her servants that Yoosung had parted almost immediately to his house to say goodbye to his family and that he would leave in three days. She felt unable to leave her bedroom the next day limiting herself to reread the books in there and pace herself from one side to the other.

The first day was the worst. The moment MC heard he had finally left to fight, she stood the entire day sitting close to her window watching the people bellow her passing hoping Yoosung would come to visit her or someone would give her a confirmation of what had happened days before was nothing but a dream.

Still, that never came. Maria, one of her servants always made sure to bring her food And returned hours later to the kitchen with a barely touched plate and a worried frown that she shared with the rest of the staff. No matter what they tried to do, how many people went to look up for her and convinced to eat more she would just stay in her bedroom in silence.

Only three days after Yoosung’s departure the king decided it was finally time for him to take importance to the matter. At midday he opened the bedroom’s door finding MC curled in the sofa with a book between her hands, she lifted her sight out of curiosity to see who had entered because every servant asked for permition before stepping inside no matter how many times she had told them they were allowed to step in as much as they wanted.

-MC this has to stop- the king stated firmly she glanced up from her book

-What has to stop?- She asked closing the book between her hands standing up ready to find another one.

-This nonsense! You have a duty you are supposed to do! The people need their princess to be ready for when she becomes queen- He claimed moving his hands. She stopped in her tracks and turned to face him, her face was twisted with anger. He was astounded, he had never seen her that angry before.

-Oh so you care about other people’s wellbeing, congratulations father- She spat,

-Do not speak to me like that MC!- he demanded, she closed her hands in fists at each side of her body

-Or what?- she questioned –Who will you send away this time? Maria, perhaps? Lucy? Or maybe you will send me away- She countered, he stared at her surprised at her outburst before spitting his next words

-It was for your own good MC, you have to understand that-

-Oh, Thank you father- She answered sarcastically –I didn’t know you were supposed to send the person someone else loves far away-

-You don’t know what you’re saying, you know nothing about love, and you are just nineteen MC! He has nothing to offer you! Another marriage could bring us an alliance, something beneficial for our kingdom- He explained

-So then, you would give me in exchange for a bunch of dicks-

-Language!-

-Get out of my bedroom!-She snapped closing her eyes avoiding tears from coming out signaling the door behind her father, he gave a surrendered sight knowing he would have to wait until she had calmed down to be able to coarse her to retake her lessons. His wife was better with words and consoling people than he ever dreamt in his entire life.

He reached for a letter inside his pocket nervously wondering about the option that she would rip it in front of him. Carefully he placed it in the table in front of them, aware of the fact that she avoided looking at him out of pure anger and disgust.

-This arrived for you in the morning; I thought you would like to have it- He said as he left the bedroom, she waited until the door closed behind him to look closer at the letter in her table.

Her hands began to tremble as she read her name written in Yoosung’s calligraphy. Her sorrowful expression instead turned into a tiny smile. She ripped the envelope careful not to damage the address where she was supposed to send another letter back and took out the piece of paper from the inside cleaning the tears from her face to ensure that she would be able to read every word correctly.

Hello MC.

How have you been? I’m sorry I wasn’t able to send you a letter earlier; things have been pretty hectic in here. We have barely had any training and my entire body hurts it’s hard to write this letter because even my wrist it’s hurting, but I promised you a letter every day and I intend in staying as true to it as I can.

People in here are estrange, there is a white haired boy that it’s really handsome and sings great, I wish I could sing to you as good as he sings. They also like to prank me, although the jokes can be quite funny it still can be bothersome.

I miss you a lot; they are saying they will send us to another location by next week if things go fine which is great I think. The faster we move then the faster I will be able to return and then we will be happy.

Other guys haven’t been flirting with you I hope, otherwise I might get really angry but I want you to have fun while I’m gone. So try not to hang out with guys too much because I will come back and we will be together again.

I love and miss you

Yoosung Kim.

MC read the letter more times than it would have been considered sane smiling every time her eyes scanned through Yoosung’s messy scrambling. She clutched the letter to her chest trying to remember what it felt like when Yoosung kissed her. Nostalgia filled her senses as she walked towards her desk grabbing paper and a pen to scribble an answer to Yoosung.

Dear Yoosung

She curled it into a ball and threw it in the trash, it sounded too conventional

Beloved Yoosung

She threw that as well, it sounded too exaggerated for her taste.

Sweet Yoosung.

That was better.

I must admit I’ve had better days, especially after you left, things have been… bad at best.

I miss you starboy, I miss talking with you and I miss when you surprised me by coming here. If I couldn’t wait until war was over, now I can’t even more because you are gone and the Gods know I need you here with me.

You don’t have to send me a letter every day, just one once in a while saying I’m fine and alive would be enough.

Don’t worry, not a single guy has flirted with me in the time you were gone, guys can’t flirt with you if you don’t leave your bedroom. I hope you return as soon as possible, otherwise who will scare the other guys away?

I love you more

MC put the letter into an envelope and brushed her hair as fast as she could before leaving her bedroom to deliver the letter.

The servants stared at her surprised to see her out of her bedroom with her pajamas still on and a letter in hand running towards Maria who was finishing cleaning one table.

-Maria- MC called startling the poor woman at the sudden sound of her voice, she had barely heard her mutter any word, now she was smiling gleeful from her side with an envelope in her hand

-What do you need your majesty?- The woman asked the young girl.

-I told you many times that you can call me MC Maria- the young woman complained –And I need you to send this letter to the mailman- She handed her the letter, the woman smiled knowingly as she kept the letter in one of her pockets

-I’ll do it as soon as possible- the woman answered. MC clapped her hands together in excitement

-Great, also; can you find someone who will prepare me a bath please? I feel like I need one- MC said sniffing the air.

-Of course your majesty, it’s good to see you so lively again-

-Thank you Maria-

MC began to walk towards her bedroom not before corresponding to the woman’s smile.

The palace’s staff felt relieved when the princess began retaking her lessons, her father in particular who started pushing her harder to catch up with every lesson she had lost. Although she wasn’t as angry as she used to be with him the tension was still palpable whenever someone entered in the middle of one of the princess’ lessons. They all had made a vow not to mention Yoosung’s name whenever the king and the princess were in the same bedroom.

It had become easy to know when MC would expect a letter from Yoosung because she grew more impatient with every second that passed and after she received one she became a happier person smiling for everything, not even her father could bring her down from her cloud. Sometimes they made bets based on what the letter would contain.

A year passed by and everyone had gotten used to the princess’ moods until suddenly Yoosung’s letters stopped arriving. At first they thought it was a delay, sometimes letters never arrived to their destinations but when a month passed by everyone began to fear the worst, yet, no one dared mention it to the princess who every morning asked Rika if she had heard something about her cousin.

Six months had passed since Yoosung’s last letter, by then nearly everyone had heard MC ask at least once for him to be alive. One afternoon the king called her into the throne room, MC stepped inside without knowing what her father would want her for. She was greeted by Rika’s figure standing close to her father.

-You called me father? - MC asked eyeing Rika with curiosity,

-Yes, MC I am afraid I have bad news- Her minds began to wonder to all kinds of things that could wrong trying to avoid anything related to Yoosung. –Yoosung has passed away- the king spoke serious and Rika kept her hand close to her mouth trying to suppress a whimper

-No- MC denied, her voice echoing in the room refusing to accept what they were telling her –That’s impossible, he couldn’t have… You are his cousin, I’m sure you have heard something from him- MC turned to Rika laying all her hopes in her.

-I’m afraid not- Rika said cleaning the tears from her face –I’m sorry your majesty- Rika said sorrowful.

-Then go and look for him!- MC ordered trying to think of anyone she could send that would help her to bring Yoosung back

-You know that’s impossible MC- The king argued back

-I don’t care!- MC snapped the people in front of her were taken aback –I refuse to believe it! He promised he would return- tears were beginning to form in her face and she felt a knot in her throat –Why don’t you care? He is your own family?!- She turned to Rika who only looked sideways

-Like my father, my only duty us looking out for the kingdom’s wellbeing- the blonde answered, MC was unsure how to answer to that questioning if Rika felt any kind of love towards Yoosung

-MC I refuse to tolerate your childish behavior!- The king intertwined before MC could say something offensive to Rika –You are twenty years old!-

-And I refuse to believe that Yoosung is dead, especially since it’s your fault. –MC spat with venom –If all you’re planning to do its scold me I will retreat to my bedroom- Just as she was turning her back she heard her father’s voice.

-That’s not the only reason I called you in- he directed his attention to a guard that began to walk towards the door, she turned to him raising an eyebrow hearing how the door was opened and a red haired man came behind it.

-Your majesties- he made a reverence, the king gave a single nod and MC looked between the three of them confused.

-MC, meet your future husband- MC stared at her father wide eyed too shocked to mutter any word –He’s the prince of a kingdom that will help to bring prosperity to ours-

-You must be kidding me- She muttered

-His name is Saeran your majesty- Rika introduced

-You just gave me the news and you’re already trying to replace Yoosung- Saeran heard her not knowing what he was supposed to do, he stared uncomfortable at the situation in front of him

-I’m only looking for what’s the best for you- the king defended himself

-You’re only looking for what’s the best for YOU! If you truly cared about me you wouldn’t have sent Yoosung away!- She screamed as tears started to spill from her eyes, she left the room walking past Saeran muttering a soft “sorry” to him.

Suddenly he felt uncomfortable when all eyes were on her; he would make his brother pay for convincing him to agree to this.

-I’m sorry you had to be in the middle of this, she is not in her best right now, feel free to stay here in the caste, I’ll arrange a meeting tomorrow- The king said, Saeran looked between him and the door that remained open

-For what I could hear, it was a dick move in your part- Saeran insulted before turning his back towards the door planning on exploring the palace, someone had commented him that candy was great on the country; maybe he would find time to eat some now that he was there.

MC closed her bedroom door behind herself her sobs becoming louder the more time passed. Her mind couldn’t add to the fact that Yoosung was dead, it had been a while since his last letter but she still held her hopes up. Hearing it from someone sank her heart to the ground and destroyed it.

The worst part was the lack of support coming from her father; she thought since he had also lost his wife he would understand what she felt. Instead, he greeted her with the news and an arranged marriage offer from someone she had never seen in her entire life. He didn’t seem like a bad person but she couldn’t think of anyone else but Yoosung, why did they think it was fine to shove a marriage down her throat?

She took the letters out of the locked drawer where she put them, she read them over and over again trying to imagine him writing every single supportive letter, she clutched them near her chest trying not to stain them with her tears, and she wanted her memory of Yoosung as sweet as she remembered him. Why did he have to kiss her? She wouldn’t have to remember it as their last if he hadn’t.

The days after that were worse, she didn’t even opened the door for Maria who got more worried every day that passed that she didn’t eat a thing. A couple times her father came knocking on her door telling her to stop wasting her time, she had a duty to attend and a marriage to concert. Even Rika came around once. MC didn’t even have the strength to yell at them to go away.

It didn’t take long before hurting thoughts began to appear. At first she tried to brush them off not to give them the importance they shouldn’t have believing she only needed time to grieve in piece. But they never went away; at best they became worse and worse, invading her in every moment until she arrived with a single conclusion.

A life without Yoosung wasn’t worth living.

If this had been her years ago she would have taken herself out of it remembering herself she was on her own and that she would survive everything. It was sad how people’s growth wasn’t always for good.

She started rummaging through her stuff, securing Yoosung’s letter with key, she wished someone had taught her how to cope with loss. She didn’t stop until she found the knife she had been told to keep in case someone invaded the palace. She would give her another use now.

MC began scribbling a note, something quick, so they wouldn’t ask why she did it even if they didn’t have a clue already; she left it over her desk placing the pen carefully over it. She walked towards the door making sure no one was outside as she unlocked it. She didn’t want her corpse to rot in the inside of her bedroom.

She sat on the sofa where she had seen Yoosung for the last time; she remembered crying her eyes out on top of it. Now she took a deep breath pointing the knife over her chest where her heart was. For an instant she doubted, feeling incapable of doing it. The knife trembled in her hand as she pushed it over her chest until it reached her heart, she felt an instant wave of pain and then nothing and she just fell over the sofa, unconscious with blood dripping out of her body.

It was Maria’s scream the one that alerted the palace that something had gone wrong.

The emptiness that greeted him as soon as he stepped into the palace was astounding, whenever he arrived there was always someone running around with a half made task waiting to be completed. The guard at the door, just stared at him wide eyed and let him pass without asking any question. This just made Yoosung think that MC had told them about their return, but she didn’t welcome him at the door like she always promised she would.

The sound of cries called attention to his ears; he immediately walked towards them leaving his luggage in a corner hoping no one would steal any of his belongings. The hallways felt longer and every step was more dreadful. The fear of finding MC crying settled in his head, he no longer cared about the injury that blinded him; just the thought that she would be fine would be enough.

When he finally found the door from where the noise came he opened it carefully trying as best as he could to not make any noise. He should have known he wasn’t that lucky even before the door creaked and everyone’s eyes were over him with completely surprised faces. He thought their faces were because he interrupted the solemnity of the event so he apologized with a nervous blush in his face. Yoosung entered the room closing the door behind him; he paced his eyes around the room looking for MC noticing the coffin inside and the flowers that surrounded it. Instead he saw his cousin with a serious face and V and Jumin near her, he had never felt entirely comfortable around V but he had never seen Rika so serious, he walked towards them.

-Guys, I’m back- He whispered close to Rika and observed how she tensed up and turned her eyes to him in surprise. V almost mimicked her surprised face; Jumin blinked a few times to give credit to what he was seeing

-Do you know where MC is? I can’t see her anywhere. –Yoosung wondered looking around a second time noticing then that not even the king was in the room, it was a shame; he wanted to shove his return on his face even if he was injured; now he had no other option than to let him and MC get married.

-You’re back- Rika spoke, her hands making its way towards her mouth –I thought you weren’t coming back- V hugged Rika from the side, and Jumin frowned a distressed expression on his face.

-Why would you think that Rika?- he asked hurt, he was used to other people’s doubts on him, but the fact that his own cousin doubted the fact that he would come back hurt him. He couldn’t blame her entirely though, if it wasn’t for MC he probably wouldn’t have returned.

-I… just…

-That’s not important right now- Yoosung dismissed –Seeing MC is more important, I even brought her a present- He smiled, Rika’s eyes diverted towards the brown casket, Yoosung followed her eyes, not understanding at first until realization hit him. Then he almost ran towards it muttering “no” softly begging for a miracle from the gods.

His prayers weren’t heard and even if they were they it was too late to do something about them, MC’s body laid there looking like she had fallen sleep. Yoosung stared at it a few seconds in complete shock unable to say anything. His hands held the edges of it giving him the support he needed.

-How is this possible?- Yoosung questioned unable to take his eyes out of his beloved’s lifeless body completely frozen in time, it was quite an irony, how she still looked beautiful.

-She thought you weren’t coming back. The grief consumed her- Rika told Yoosung aware that he didn’t need to know about the marriage they had planned for her as soon as they thought he was dead; nobody needed to hear him whine.

-Why would she think that? I sent her a letter on every opportunity I had. I thought she was too busy to answer- He spoke looking closer at her passing a hand over her pale cheek. Rika looked at the ground sideways, yet, no one seemed to notice.

-I think they never reached her hands; I’m sorry Yoosung- Jumin spoke as V placed a hand over the younger’s shoulder rubbing his back.

-This is my fault- Yoosung lamented –If I had listened to her and stayed like she asked me she would still be here- The tears were beginning to build up in his eyes making him wonder why they had taken so long in appear.

-You proved yourself worthy- Rika tried stepping closer to her cousin and the princess’ body. Yoosung turned his eyes at her, in a rabid expression she had never seen him use against anyone, let alone her.

-To what?!- He snapped, obvious rage in his voice, yet he did not backed not even when she took a step away from him –Her corpse that welcomed me when I arrived? Or her father that sent me away in the hopes that I would die and it’s not even here?- He signaled the entire room who were completely aware of the absence of the king but had not dared to mutter a word about it.

-Yoosung, things are not like that…

-How can you know that? I did what I was told to gain her, I was the one that helped to achieve victory, it even cost me my right eye’s sight. I thought it would be worth it as soon as I arrived because then we could get married. Look where it led- he interrupted signaling her corpse as the tears came streaming down his face.

V was the only one that stepped closer to Yoosung while Jumin and Rika stood there not knowing how to react to the situation. The mint haired man surrounded the blond one with his arm letting him cry over his shoulder. Even if he never was close to him Yoosung welcomed the silent support V was giving him still feeling the emptiness in his chest. His sobs were being muffled by V’s clothes

-I’m sorry Yoosung, I don’t know how you feel and I don’t think anything can compare to loosing someone you love- V spoke as he rubbed Yoosung’s back and he let out more whimpers.

-I loved her so much- Yoosung said –Why can’t we be together?-

His sobs continued until he calmed down a few minutes later breaking apart from V’s hug silently thanking him for the support with a nod. Even then, he refused to leave the room staying near MC’s body eating only when V brought him something, the rest of them seemed to have gotten used to his presence. Jumin sometimes asked him if he was okay even if he knew the answer unable to do more.

There was nothing for him to say and even if there was, he couldn’t even bring his lips to move because he knew we would begin crying once again. The only thing that gave him the motivation to endure everything was the idea that they would be together as soon as he came back. She was what kept him fighting. He thought of her as his eye bled and he finished the enemy’s life. His heart was in a box waiting for it to be delivered at the king. Now it would remain in there, he never wanted to see the king ever again.

She was the most wonderful human being he had known, she was kind, patient, always supported him and his passion for healing animals. Never claimed he was weak and instead focused on how he treated other people. She would have made a wonderful queen some day, or, at least that’s what he liked to think; no one could deny it now anyways.

He continued feeling numb until the day when it was time to bury her. He walked with the rest of the people staying right behind the carriage in its way to the church were the mass in her name would be held. The king was already there by the time they arrived and, like the others stared at him wide eyed surprised to see him there. Yoosung looked at him resentful.

The king knelt in the ground like a jar before breaking in a thousand pieces; he passed his hands over his hair over and over again feeling the weight of regret on his shoulders. Yoosung wanted to tell him a thousand different things, how much he hated him, that his enemy was already dead, that he was the only one to blame for what had happened. Instead, he just walked past him in his way to inside of the church.

Nearly everyone inside was crying, uncontrolled sobs flooded stopping the silence from making any room inside. A few tears slipped from Yoosung’s eyes knowing there were no words they could say that would do justice to the wonderful and beautiful person she was.

After the church everyone headed to the royal graveyard where she was going to be buried next to her mother. Yoosung followed the crowd, no one besides the royal family was ever allowed inside unless one of them died, and even then it was limited to a few people, Yoosung had to watch how MC’s body downed until it was bellow them.

He heard the king mutter something to him as they began to throw dirt to fill the space in her tomb; it was something alongside the lines of sorry. Yoosung began to feel bad for the man, even if he still believed it was his party his fault it had been the old man mistakes that had costed him a daughter.

-Take care of your people; she wouldn’t have wanted to see you crying forever- Yoosung said, the older man stared at him surprised at his response.

-You forgive me?- the king asked, Yoosung looked reluctantly at the other side.

-I never said that-

The king nodded to himself and Yoosung gave himself the time to admire that the day was sunny and only a couple clouds were in the sky. He had always read books about how the funerals were always held in rainy environments, we wasn’t entirely sure how to interpret that.

After her body was covered one by one the people began to leave until Yoosung was the only one left with Rika and V at their side, she began to tap her feet impatiently when it began to get dark.

-Yoosung- Rika began touching his cousin’s shoulder to attract his attention –It’s getting dark, we need to leave-

-No, I’m staying- Yoosung said without taking her eyes away from the place where she was buried knowing eventually a statue that wouldn’t do her justice would be there.

-Yoosung, we need to leave, I know you miss her but you can’t stay here forever- She tried with an empathetic expression watching how his head shook from side to side

-If I leave I won’t be able to accomplish my promise- He sighted under Rika’s sight – I promised her I would protect her and I will- He assured

-You can’t stay here forever Yoosung- Rika repeated. Growing impatient by the second, she knew her cousin loved the girl, but his attitude was beginning to stir towards the childish side

-Then who will guard her tomb from thieves?- she opened her mouth to argue but he didn’t gave her the time –Who will keep it as clean as she liked her things to be? Who will protect her?- Yoosung asked her, she was about to counter back when V touched her shoulder in a similar fashion she had touched Yoosung’s.

He understood were Yoosung’s argument was coming from, it wasn’t entirely about protecting her; it was more about compensating the time that was lost; About staying with her even if he would never see her again. V nodded and he stepped closer to the teenager.

-I understand- V said, Rika shot him a questioning look –Take your time, feel welcomed if you want to go to my house to eat or something like that- V smiled sympathetically taking Rika by the waist as a signal it was time for them to leave; Rika let out a surrendered sight and followed V not without throwing a last look at the young man.

Except, Yoosung never left.

He was always by her side, advising the sculptor whenever he asked about her facial characteristics. V or Rika left him food whenever they could but Rika’s life became more busy searching for a new heir to the throne and by rendition so had V’s so they were lucky if they could stop by twice per date. Yoosung never surrendered always affirming he would protect her.

To the townspeople who couldn’t prove it themselves if he was actually there or not he had become a legend, they called him “The protecting lover”. Rika once told him about those rumors and he shrugged them off without even questioning them; that set her off, before he would have blushed at it and argued how he wasn’t one. When she spoke about it to V and Jumin they both agreed that it would have been ridiculous to search for the old Yoosung now.

It took the sculptor one month to finish MC’s statue, Yoosung admired it glad that he had helped however he was capable; yet, it only made him miss her more now that she was in front of him.

-I’m glad you made her smiling- Yoosung said tracing her lips with his fingers remembering how they felt over his own

-I only followed your advice- Rui, the sculptor muttered –you certainly are the protecting lover-

-I’m not- Yoosung laughed bitterly, -If I was I would have arrived on time- Rui watched him with pity as he finished picking up his materials and he left the boy alone in the graveyard.

It was lucky enough Yoosung couldn’t see himself in a mirror; otherwise he would have noted how thin he was. The dark under his eyes was prominent and sometimes he found himself trembling. He traced every single one of her features with his fingers smiling fondly remembering her warmth, letting out a sight he sat on the floor with his head resting against the stone that held her statue.

-I miss you MC- Yoosung muttered as he closed his eyes letting out a yawn.

The next morning Rika and V arrived together, a plate between his hands containing food they hoped would help Yoosung somehow, and they were worried that he had gotten thinner.

-Yoosung!- Rika arrived in a singing tone –We brought you food!-

-You were getting thinner and we’re worried about you- V said trying to pay as much respect as the dead royalties as he could.

They noticed Yoosung in the ground with his eyes closed, V handed Rika the plate as he lowered so he could see him from close and wake him up to ensure he would eat something. Yoosung didn’t even flinch when V began to shake him. His face turned into a frown and Rika watched attentive. It didn’t take V too long to figure out what had happened, he turned to his girlfriend and moved his head from side to side, the plate fell to the ground and its pieces flew around. V stood up and Rika clutched to his chest regretting the boy’s life had ended.

At least he would be protecting her by her side, like he wanted.

#yoosung kim #mystic messenger #mystic messenger yoosung #yoosung x mc #yoosungxmc #mc x yoosung #mcxyoosung #mysme yoosung #mystic messenger fanfic #mystic messenger fanfiction #mysme fanfic #mysme fanfiction

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youdontknowaboutthis · 5 years

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A brief history of me

[This series of posts is a cohesive narrative designed to help me understand my current mind based on my past experiences. Writing it down helps me organize my thoughts and make insights that I would have never discovered.]

[This series of posts is brief in that it leaves out a lot of exposition and background. Instead it focuses on the most pivotal events, details, and descriptions in my life. For example, I had many happy events with my parents, road trips, caring moments. Normal kid stuff. But there were of course negative events too. By their nature, they had a bigger impact on who I am, so they are over-represented.]

My family

When I was born, I had a brother who was a couple years older and a sister who was 7 years older. My brother was mentally retarded and physically handicapped. My sister helped take care of me and change my diapers.

My father was the son of an alcoholic who probably abused his wife. His stunted relationship with his father made him prone to anger and made him bad at expressing emotions like his father. While my mother was strict that he was to never hit me, I was frequently yelled at. My early memories of my father are mostly the fear I had of him losing his temper. To this day a grown man yelling at me will cause me to break down.

My brother died when I was 1.5 years old as a result of his condition. I was not old enough to go to the funeral and don’t remember him. My mother tells me that because of his death she was depressed for about 5 years and wasn’t emotionally available during that time.

I’m told as a kid I would try and suffocate my brother with a pillow. I must have been barely a toddler. Maybe I was jealous of the attention given to him or maybe I was just playing rough.

I wasn’t a bad kid... wasn’t a good kid either

As a result of the emotional unavailability of my parents, I developed a strong avoidant attachment style. I wasn’t emotionally close to my parents. The parent-like relationship to my sister meant that I never felt very close to her either. I learned to be independent and rely only on myself. I had no experience forming intimate relationships and sharing my feelings because of this.

I was a smart troublemaker who was willing to lie, but early on I was bad at lying. I wasn’t able to emphasize with other people. I couldn’t really understand what other people were feeling or why. I would disobey and the only thing I was concerned about was if my dad would yell at me or my mom would get angry.

I didn’t really have a conscience, and I explicitly realized that in fourth grade. My teacher was discussing something about morals and what a conscience was. I said nonchalantly, maybe prideful that I didn’t think I had a conscience. My teacher was a little shocked and said something like “Surely you must have something that tells you what’s right or wrong?” I didn’t really, but I sensed her tone and backpedaled. I said either I was joking or I guess I did then. I remember very well that I was afraid of getting “caught.”

In school I was a nerdy, weird, unsociable, unlikable kid. I went to a private, rich elementary and middle school. My parents were lower middle class but were also bad at managing money. I had few friends and was at the bottom of the short social totem pole. My class was only a hundred or so kids and I had few friends.

I was constantly getting in trouble for dumb reasons. I was mean and would mess with people for no reason. My dad really likes sports and so I would end up playing on a lot of different youth sports teams. I remember there was an incident in baseball where I would walk through the dugout and kick over other kids’ water bottles. There was no intimidation involved, I wasn’t bullying. I just enjoyed misbehaving. I saw it as mild disobedience, I couldn’t empathize with the other kids who had to deal with the consequences.

I never had any desire to harm anyone, I was not a sociopath. Maybe there was a moral compass sitting around in there somewhere. Or maybe I just knew what other people’s moral compasses were, and I knew that the penalties for “wrong” behavior was more severe. I could use logic and reason very well. I knew the golden rule from church and school, “do unto others.” Perhaps it was self-serving behavior, I didn’t want

I’m ambiguous here about my motivations. I remember some of the logical reasons I did things, for example to avoid getting caught. For reasons that will be clear later, I don’t have many memories about “why” I did things. I can only guess at my motivations based on vague feelings and context.

Self-development and emotions

I read a lot of books. I would go to the public library, check out a stack of 15 books a foot and a half high, and read most of them within weeks. I always wanted to learn more about science, but hated any kind of work. The books would satisfy my insatiable curiosity about how things work or what happens next.

In books everything was clear, you could read exactly what every character was feeling. Reading them would let me escape and I would be always wondering what happens next. Books would make me feel more than I did at any other time in my early life. My parents thankfully indulged this by taking me to the library just about any time I wanted.

My parents had dial-up internet and had recent enough computers. I naturally loved the internet. In elementary school I found internet porn online. I was curious and it was something I knew my parents wouldn’t allow. I got caught, eventually, and my internet access was stopped for a while. Deceiving or disobeying my parents definitely gave me a thrill. I would watch TV shows I wasn’t supposed to just because I wasn’t allowed to do it.

From my earliest memories my emotions were unclear. I don’t remember being unhappy, but at the same time I don’t remember being very happy or excited either. I think of this like the static on a TV screen. I think this is partly why I loved activities that could greatly heighten my emotions like books or misbehaving. Nothing really stands out emotionally like those things did.

When I look back at the memories, I don’t really have any knowledge of what the feelings were, there is more of a binary “feeling” or “not feeling” that was fuzzy. This static refers to both the feelings I had at the time as well as my memories of the feelings, because at this point in my life I’m unable to discern the difference.

In middle school, I had enough practice with lying and getting away with stuff that I stopped getting in trouble as much and my relationship with my parents improved. I was smart, and so I realized exactly the bare minimum I could do to get by in just about anything. I think around then I become socially aware enough to know angering people was bad for my social standing and I developed a couple of friends. My social life was something I was constantly self-conscious about as I was still very unpopular. Puberty also was starting though there weren’t any major symptoms yet.

My path to depression

At some point in middle school, the emotional static disappeared and I was left with a strange lack of emotions. Before this point I remember the emotions being there. The memory is just lacking the feeling of emotion, which is why I think of it like static. Now there was just... Nothing? All my emotions were blunted, and I guess the default was sadness. There wasn’t any event that I can remember causing this. I don’t even know when it started. I was seriously depressed and I had no idea why.

My dad would come home late most nights from work. I strongly remember how sometimes he would be angry and throw his keys and other things down on the counters and floor. I would watch from upstairs then go to my room and cry into a pillow for 30 minutes. I didn’t know why I was crying but I cried. The best explanation I have is that I was reflecting his emotions, since mine were kind of empty.

I kept my emotional state hidden easily enough from my parents. I think they were expecting teenage angst at my age. Instead of the usual teenage “storm” of emotions, I was experiencing nothing and, paradoxically, sadness. One night I sat on my bed crying for most of the night. I didn’t know why I was crying. My mom came and sat with me for hours. The only feeling that was worse than the sad nothingness was the feeling when she left. This struck me hard at the time because I never really felt strong love to my parents.

I was miserable and wanted to stop existing. I started looking up ways to kill myself. I didn’t think about what I would be missing in life or how my parents would feel. My empathy was definitely not functioning at all. I just wanted the misery to be over. I was smart enough to keep up fake emotions and be sociable. I thought of this like a facade, everything was fake and I was just trying to be happy on the outside to keep up appearances and prevent questions that would lead to conversations about feelings.

My memories are extremely fuzzy from around this time. If I try to picture what fourth grade looked like, I think of the classroom I was in, the teacher, what I looked like in the mirror and pictures. If I picture sixth and seventh grade, it’s just blackness. If I try to think of what I looked like, there’s nothing there. If I try to think of what school I was in, I can’t automatically recall it and have to consciously deduce what it must have been.

Trying to kill myself

[These paragraphs are tough to read, and tough to write.]

I remember reading internet forums and discussion boards about committing suicide. I wanted an easy, painless method. In keeping with my SOP, I wanted to do this without being caught. If I got caught, I would have to admit my feelings, an intimacy that I did not want to share.

At this point I was already very experienced at managing risk. I was too afraid, for example, to sneak something on my parent’s credit card. I knew I could get caught before I killed myself, or maybe my attempt would quietly fail and they would notice it later and start asking.

I was more afraid of getting yelled at than I was afraid of death. I have no doubt I would be dead today if I had not been so afraid of punishment.

I had basically no money for this so I had to be creative and research. I decided I would use an “exit bag.” You take a large amount of sleeping pills or barbituates and then cover your head with a bag with some kind of rubber band or elastic around your neck. You hold the bag open while you fall asleep. When you do, your hands relax and you asphyxiate.

I was very clear to myself on my intentions: I was going to kill myself and stop the sadness because that was the logical thing to do. No hesitation or thoughts of “what if,” I simply realized that’s what I needed to do and I set about doing it in the most practical way possible.

So I tried to kill myself. I got back from school before either of my parents were home. I walked to a pharmacy and bought a bottle of Benadryl. I went back home, took an extra large but not sickness-inducing dose, and sat to sleep with the bag over my head and my hand holding it open. I don’t remember what the bag looked like or how I had it arranged. The memory of my room, my bed, and the contraption feels jumbled and unreal, like looking at an Escher painting.

I slept for close to 10 hours. I woke up and the bag was wrinkled up far over my head. I had pushed it off in my sleep. I was still heavily affected by the Benadryl. I walked downstairs and my mom was in the recliner. I laid down on the couch and went to sleep again, only waking up at 2 a.m. when my dad came home.

I can see snapshots of the suicide attempt so clearly, I can remember how nervous I felt when I bought the Benadryl. I can remember standing in front of the aisle, checking multiple pill bottles and calculating what I needed. I remember taking what must have been 15 minutes decide. I was very nervous approaching the checkout. Surely they know I’m just a kid and I’m obviously buying this to kill myself.

Some memories were not clear. I don’t remember what the bag look and felt like. I remember very clearly waking up, confused, and finding the bag above me. I don’t remember my emotions when I fell asleep or woke up. I don’t think I felt relief. I think it was mild disappointment that my subconscious brain had messed my plan up.

I had thought of making a suicide note. It was a standard discussion point on the forums I read, and I’ve always been a person of process. I vaguely recall starting something written on the computer, but at that point I did not even know why I was doing it myself. I just knew it was the only escape. I puzzled over it a bit, writing a sentence or two. People online often had some ultimatum, they were doing it because of some thing tangible. I was just sad? I carefully deleted the file, a lesson I learned from being caught with porn.

My memories from around this time don’t have any time frame or order in them. I may have tried the exit bag one more time at some point, but I’m not sure. The fragments I remember exist like they were carved from those moments of my life and stored in a dusty book in the back of my mind. I don’t have any memory of my self from that time, what I looked like or what my introspective thoughts were. I can’t recall the classes, what I learned, or who my friends were. I feel like I should know these things and that I may have repressed them.

One time during some kind of PE class, I lingered outside while the rest of the group was inside in the gym. The campus had a large stadium with a high railing. I stood there, thinking about hanging myself from it. I fully knew hanging wasn’t a pleasant way to die. I was starting to realize now that since I’m going to be dead, it didn’t really matter if there was some suffering. I also changed my risk stance, and decided I could probably get away with stuff like climbing to the stadium as long as no one saw me. I remember consciously choosing to ignore the normal “what if” when planning, like what if I get caught, what if it hurts? I eventually went in to PE class and decided to think on it more. I would need to plan that better.

Getting helped

Some time after my first suicide attempt, I was brought to a therapist. I don’t know why. I don’t think I asked for one. My mom may have suggested it to me. My parents to this day do not know about the suicide attempts. They probably thought I had angst or raging hormones. I had occasional emotional outbursts of sadness and anger directed at my parents, but I remember nothing more than that.

I got an intake questionnaire for the psychologist. It had the question, have you ever had suicidal thoughts? For the first time, I realized someone might be able to help me and understand me. This is a standard thing they put on the form, so logically it’s something that can be treated. Before I did not think there was an alternative to suicide, but maybe this could change something. It would be safer as I knew a bit about patient-client confidentiality.

I remember the paper went in a manila envelope and I was so obsessed that it would close tight, that my parents wouldn’t read it, that one of the brads fell off making it less secure. I stopped thinking about committing suicide, although I still wanted to stop existing.

I had an intro appointment. The psychologist was a man and I remember nothing except the waiting room and the bookshelves of toys and books in his office. I didn’t open up in person. But he had the form with my response and my depression was pretty obvious. My parents went in after me and when they came out, they were very serious. I was surprisingly hopeful.

Months later, the therapy had done absolutely nothing for me. My avoidant attachment style meant I was too afraid of any kind of emotional intimacy, especially with men. I wasn’t introspective enough to identify what was wrong with myself. I had little experience understanding strong emotions, just noise. There was sadness, I don’t know where it came from, and I want it to stop.

I got referred to a psychiatrist. He gave me a short discussion to confirm that “yep, he’s sad all right” and sent me home with a Zoloft prescription. A month later, I was back to normal. 6 months later I was off the prescription. The blank emotions were replaced with something else that started as static and was overall “brighter” or “happier” than before. I could immediately tell that my brain was different, but it was hard to figure out how.

A self epoch

I had not been very introspective up to that point, so I had few memories of how “I” used to be. I had the strongest feeling that the Zoloft had changed how my mind worked but no proof. Perhaps the static actually started then, and I can’t remember clearly what I was like before. Perhaps I always felt like this, and I was so depressed that getting back to normal was so overwhelming as to seem brand new. Maybe I just can’t remember and I was introspective.

When I took the 30th Zoloft pill I remember thinking “huh, I feel happy now.” The feeling I get when I remember that day feels like my first real memory. It felt like I had been swimming underwater my whole life and my head had finally breached the surface to take its first breath. This moment, standing in the kitchen and looking at the prescription bottle, is the epoch of my self.

Usually at transitions in life and changes of personality, preferences, and beliefs I can identify myself as the same self from before, just different. In this case, my present day ego does not feel continuous with the person that grew up in my body, got depressed, and ended up going to that psychiatrist. I know, logically, I am the same entity now as I was before that time. I have memories of times before that. The feeling of discontinuity is just so strong.

Maybe it’s the 2-year gap of memories. All memories from before that time are uncertain, like I can’t trust that they actually happened. When I try to think, “when was that memory?” things don’t really make sense. The memories seem to contradict each other when I place them in order.

Maybe the depression had masked the changes in my mind during puberty, and the Zoloft worked so stupid fast that I was given a 30-day launch into adolescence. In truth I think it was the combination of these.

The various starts of my life

This epoch certainly marked the emotional start to my life. The physical start is well-defined of course, and I guess the start of my ego is still up for debate. At least, when I say “I” about events after this point, it feels like I’m talking about myself and not someone else. The static soon begins to fade and I was beginning to feel emotions. Mostly I was just happy. You know, cause of the Zoloft.

From that point on, my memories feel contiguous. I can firmly place memories on a timeline. I can recall feelings from memories too. My choices make sense in the context of my former self.

Some time in eighth grade I remember thinking that something was different in my mind, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. The lack of introspection from before my depression meant I had no reference point for what my mind should be. I just had the vague feeling that Zoloft changed me. I think this is my first memory of introspection. It’s also significant because this is one of the earliest memories that easily fits in a timeline.

[This post is titled “a brief history of me”. In truth, it’s because the history of me is different from the history of “I”. The next post will discuss the history of “I”.]

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webmixtressissa · 7 years

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So Saturday evening, some shit went down. I had a bit of a meltdown and nuked my friendship with Maria because I thought it was “the right thing to do,” which more and more I’m starting to realize is a narcissistic viewpoint.

So sometimes I’ll have a meltdown over certain unpredictable triggers. This is mostly my own damn fault because I haven’t made a serious enough effort to seek mental help and open up to my friends. When living with Maria, oftentimes I’ll “offer” to leave partially because I have a serious guilt about living with her and when I’m in that state of mind, I have this faux-”selflessness” where I narcissistically assume that me leaving/dying will contribute to solving Maria’s problems. Obviously this is demonstrable false but it feels so logical at the time. This is compounded by the fact that I have terrible communication skills (partially because my concern over being abusive leads me to feel like I can’t open up without seeming emotionally manipulative, which ironically seems to lead to actual emotional manipulation as I attempt to solve all mine and Maria's problems in the most mentally fucked up ways possible).

So me and Maria had this friend who was a lot closer to her than to me. He comes off quite often as being condescending towards me, and whenever he talks about being a furry, he oftentimes comes painfully close to saying that his being a furry and the negativity that brings is somehow equivalent to, say, the oppression felt by being trans or gay or what have you. I’ve tried to be accommodating as best I can, despite these annoyances, and most of the time we got along fine. He has this painfully annoying inability to deal with any sort of conflict, and very often tends to do that “I’m a centrist so I’m morally superior” thing.

So he posts that markiplier video (you know the one) which is the stupidest thing to have a fight about, but he’s very self righteous about it. I offer one reply to his video (saying that everyone is not deserving of respect and that calling people out for shitty behavior is not dehumanizing as is said in the video) and he replies with a tweet heavily implying that his being a furry is in any way comparable to being a jew (or alternatively, if he was being sarcastic, implying that “death to all jews” is an acceptable joke).

So I don’t respond back because I don’t want to make this worse, and Maria says she’s not coming home and is going to sleep in her car because she wanted to be alone. Now, the reasonable thing to do would be to offer to go sleep at a friend’s house so that she could be alone in her apartment, or to accept her decision, but I’m already super off-kilter and rather than explaining what I am upset and stressed out about, I tell her I’m moving out.

You see, this friend just bought a huge house but only him and his wife live there. It seemed obvious to me that the only reason they’d get a house that big is to house Maria since they are helping with her bills currently and will be helping her pay for college soon. As I don’t think I could stand living in the same house as this guy, I’ve been panicking silently about what I’m going to do if/when the time comes. Of course, I don’t tell Maria any of this because I’m terrible at communicating (I was scared that expressing my fears would be seen as trying to manipulate Maria into denying the friend’s potential offer even though such an offer is objectively in her best interest) even though we’ve had multiple conversations after various breakdowns about this same communication issue.

So here I am, feeling backed up against the wall because I feel like I’ve nuked the relationship with this mutual friend and increasingly worried that if I stick around I may fuck up Maria’s friendship with him. My mind is already telling me I’m a shitty person when Maria says she’s not coming home for the night, so my brain instantly goes to “God, you’re so terrible that she’s afraid to come home because of you,” instead of the much more realistic “She just wants to be alone, this is a normal thing Maria does.”

So of course, thinking I’m an abuser (but being blind to the actual abusive things I’m doing) I decide it’s time to kill myself, as I almost always do when I’m having a breakdown, and knowing my last experience with attempting suicide, I know I can’t convince myself to jump over the ledge to my death, so I decide that if there is nothing to come back to, I’ll have to reason to hesitate (this is stupid for multiple reasons, the prime one being that self-preservation doesn’t fucking work like that). So I say some shitty things and pack a bag of basically nothing (I’m not intending to stay alive for long after all) and leave. The next day, I try to kill myself and discover my self preservation is as strong as ever.

So I’m freaking out about what I’m going to do. I’ve had some breakdowns where I left to go kill myself, but never this serious. Mistake #473 was messaging Maria to ask her if I could get my meds (when what I really wanted was to talk to her and try to calmly explain myself, because even in crisis I don’t realize it’s probably a good idea to be crystal fucking clear about what’s going on), but of course, I get there and Maria leaves to avoid me (a good fucking idea on her part, as my brain was swimming with “I have an amazing idea that will make everything better!” because I’m still high on adrenaline from the attempt to propel myself over the edge of a parking garage roof and thus was probably not in the best condition to calmly explain myself) and I just panic and grab the pills (all my pills, even the ones I don’t actually need just because whenever I face the slightest obstacle and I’m not in my right mind, I go straight to suicide and overdosing seems like a good idea, right?) and leave, not thinking to grab any clothes because I’m still thinking that things are gonna work out all right or I’m going to die. I sit down across the street because I’m exhausted from walking. I get the “great” idea to leave a note on Maria’s door trying to briefly explain myself and offer to talk at a place down the street (as my phone is dead at this point and the charger I took is non-functional), “trying” to respect her boundaries by not confronting her at or near her apartment. Of course, trying to fit a bunch of complex feelings on an index card with a sharpie while still fucked up is not possible so I write the stupidest thing ever and leave it.

A few hours later, I walk and see the note hasn’t been taken, so I leave a note on her car that I’m going to a friend’s house to charge my phone. I get the phone charged after much difficulty and message her, and she tells me to not talk to her again. My head starts spinning and I start crying and after trying and failing to sleep because I’m disassociating hard, not able to tell what is read and my perception of time gets all fucked up. In desperation, I message Maria (despite telling her I would respect her wishes and not contact her again) hoping for some grounding in reality and of course I just blather a bunch of desperate bullshit, prompting her to rightfully block me. I start trying to down a bunch of pills but fail because ever since my last overdose, I can’t get down even single pills easily at all, my body pretty violently rejects them.

That was the point that I message Meghan and we did a call. Hearing her voice helped bring me back to reality and think slightly more reasonable, instead of living in my night-terror-lite state for the rest of the night.

Overall, I think Maria was totally in the right here to cut me off the way she did. We’ve had numerous conversations about my tendency to fly off the handle and my failure to communicate and I obviously haven’t taken those conversations to heart. I also have refused to commit to seeking therapy and anti-depressants and allowed my anxiety to keep myself from getting better. If I could do this over, I think moving out while trying to seek therapy would have been a damn good idea anyways, and it would have given us both some time to ourselves and a chance to unwind.

Of course, my mind is swimming with “what-ifs” but none of that matters when the damage has been done. It becomes clear to me that my attempts to “Sacrifice” myself (I.E suicide) are narcissistic in nature. In reality, my death would mean nothing but grief for those close to me, and not some mystical way to solve everyone’s problems as if I’m that important. It would seem that my attempts to try to be as different as possible from my family have led me to being much more like them than I could ever be comfortable with. I’ve abused those close to me thinking I was doing right by them without ever caring to ask them what they wanted. Brain Maria was for some reason much more trustworthy than real-life, best friend Maria and that behavior is what cost me almost everything I cared about.

It’s beginning to look like if I want to live, I’ll need to move back with my parents if they’re willing. It terrifies me, but they’re my best chance at getting on disability and finally being self-sufficient. I just hope that if it does turn out with me getting approved for disability however long in the future that it will have been worth losing Maria over. This wasn’t just one mistake, this was a long series of mistakes and ignorant decisions that led to this outcome, and pretty much every single one is my fault. If I don’t learn from them then I won’t ever get better, no matter how much help I’m given

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sassyhottubstrawberry-blog · 6 years

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Does your Insurance address have to match your registration address?

"Does your Insurance address have to match your registration address?

I'm moving to a new city where the insurance rates are higher than my current town. I have to change my address on my license and registration to get a parking permit in the city, but do I have to change the address on my insurance? The permit doesn't require to know any information about your insurance.

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://freeautoinsurance.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr

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Need cheap car insurance in NY?

Hi I'm in need of low car insurance in NY. I'm 22 female car is a 98 dodge caravan. Please i tried all those random websites that shows you insurance. I need names of insurance please =]

How much will a porsche 944 be in 4 years time and what will the insurance be if I'm 18?

It doesn't matter about fixing it as my uncle is a mechanic and I will be training soon.My uncle has got one now and I love it !!!

""If you have your learner's permit, do you need car insurance?""

If you have your learner's permit, do you need car insurance?""

How much does your insurance go up after you have caused an accident?

I was in a car accident on Jan. 16th (yes, my fault!) and my car was totalled. I am buying a new car and need to know by about how much my insurance will go up. It was $270 a month (full coverage) before. I am 19, by the way. The car I am (hopefully!) buying is a 2000 Ford Mustang.""

How much would insurance cost on a dodge charger in nj?

Does UK car insurance get noticeably cheaper when you reach 25 years old?

or is this just a general thought among motorists?

How much is a fine for driving someone else's car with no insurance?

i have insurance on my car but the car i was driving didnt have insurance.

Thinking of switching to Progressive Insurance?

Would like to know if anyone has Progressive Insurance for auto insurance. Would like to switch to them from Farmers because I can double my coverage for the same price as Farmers. Has anyone had problems with Progressive such as filing a claim? or rate increases for no reason. I have not had an accident in over 14 years, knock on wood. Just afraid if I switch my rates will go up for no reason. I know there is good and bad about Progressive. Any input would help. I live in California""

""Hey, i need help finding the right car insurance for me..? im 18 im from california.....?

im 18 and im from california.. i barely got my drivers license 2 days agooo and i was wondering what insurance is right for me? i want an insurance that is affordable... not so expensive... what do u recommend? what do you have? and how much do you pay for it?

Where Can I Get Cheap Car Insurance?

I drive a Jeep Cherokee 2004. I am looking to purchase car insurance and have been uninsured for about 6 months. I am 22 years old, will be in college starting August. I have had about 4 tickets in my life, have never had an accident, and my license have been revoked only because I failed to pay the tickets. They are now valid. I live in Florida, where it is sooooo difficult to get insurance. You are not allowed to be insured and then get insurance.... You have to have insurance from day 1, which I had, but mom dropped me from the plan as they live in GA! I make about $800 every 2 weeks, and I do have other bills. I am looking for some car insurance that I can afford and get coverage! All Florida residents, please help me out. Thanks :)""

How much more would my car insurance cost if I went from having a 96 honda civic to a 2000 BMW 328i?

I'm getting a 2000 bmw 328i... I have a honda civic already. My insurance was like 1200 for the whole year I think... already paid it in full. I'm 19, with no accident history, no speeding tickets, never arrested; I don't really have anything that would make my insurance go up to my name. I live in MA, so i guess I can't get gieco or allstate or whatever..""

Motorbike Insurance 600cc ~ 1000cc?

Iam 24 years old ( will do the bike test later this year ) I would just like a rough figure on what would it cost the insurance for these bikes. CB 600 hornet HONDA CBR 1000 KAWASAKI Z1000 KAWASAKI ER 650 YAMAHA R1 YAMAHA R6 Iam asking because iam abroad and i cant do the quotes else i would not loose time asking If someone could be kind enough to help out just with a near figure iwould gladly apreciate the help.

Help with car insurance cost?

I'm a 18 year old male with a clean driving record I'm on my parents insurance plan I want to get a used jeep wrangler with a lift kit what's a good estimate on how much it would cost monthly for me to have this vehicle?

Does car insurance cost change depending on the area you live in?

I went to college and I would really like my car. However, my parents say that the car insurance would increase because of where my school is located. Is this true?""

How much do you pay for car insurance?

I'd like to know the insurance price for a 1.8 litre car, about 5 years old, driver being older than 26 years old, and no claims bonus not included, in different countries. In Ireland I get a quote about 1,200 Thanking you all in advance !!""

Generally how much is car insurance for a teenager with a learners permit in california?

I will be driving my parents car and they currently have Esurance.

""If my girlfriend crashes my car, does my insurance cover it?""

I am an insured driver and I believe my girlfriend is still insured on one of her parents cars, but we share my car currently and its not that I dont trust her, I don't trust other people. If an accident occurs while she is driving with my consent and she is a licensed driver (who is possibly insured on another vehicle) will my insurance cover? I have pretty good insurance as my car is finanaced and I was forced to get a few options I could have avoided if I bought an old junker. She has my car by herself for the day for the first time and I can't help but worry.""

Car insurance on a Mustang gt?

I'm a male, 19, years old going on 20 next month.. I'm wanting to save up for an older model (1999-2003) Mustang gt. I know there are different kinds of auto insurance agencies around but can someone maybe give me a rough estimate of how much i would have to pay each month for my own insurance? I've had no accidents or tickets/ felonies ever since my driver's license have been issued to me.. And i drive about 15 miles to work one way and 20 miles to college one way. Thanks!""

Meeting deductibles on health insurance?

okay so i am looking at the blue cross blue shield family plan in texas and for us three it costs $164 a month with a $2500 deductibile and then they pay 80% of the costs. So my question is, what does the deductible mean? sorry i come from free healthcare in the UK so I'm not used to paying for medical insurance. How does one meet a $2500 deductible before the insurance company can start paying for the rest of the medical stuff?? Is it met by constant hospital visits? doc visits? constant lab and xray tests?""

Will my car insurance go up?

I just got a speeding ticket for going 14mph over. I pay my car insurance on a 6 month cycles and I just paid for the next 6 months at the beginning of the month. Is there any way the insurance companycan charge me more for the current 6 months or will my insurance not go up until my next 6 months bill? Thanks!

What is the insurance expense on average per month to insurance an auto repair shop?

I'm trying to find information on approximately how much insurance costs for an auto repair shop. Specifically this shop will have one full time mechanic and one customer service representative. Two people, basically how much will it cost to insure (per month) this small auto repair business. The minimum liability required by law and between $25,000-50,000 to cover theft/fire/flood/etc.""

Best insurance company in ..........................?

What is the best insurance company if I live in Alabraska?

Where can i find cheap auto insurance?

i'm paying 150 a month for a 94 ford thunderbird, but i'm looking for something cheaper that i can afford. i'm just wondering how much other people pay for cars like mine...""

What's the purpose of medical insurance for students?

I'm in Australia and I need medical insurance which is very costly and it doesn't even cover anything like dental checkup. I don't think I'll ever a use a single penny from that insurance. Why are they robbing us of our money for no reason? If I get ill, I'll use my own money to pay for treatment. And I heard they don't get any interest from the money so where does all that money go? In the air?""

Where can I find health insurance with maternity coverage without a super long waiting period?

My wife and I are looking for health insurance. I am self-employed, and her company does not offer insurance for it's employees. So we've been looking into family plans. We're married with no children. But, we'd like to have children soon. Like, maybe next month if it all works out. :) I've looked into plans from various companies like Anthem, and most of the companies don't even offer maternity coverage. And the ones that do have a 9-12 month waiting period before the maternity coverage kicks in! And too top it all off, it's ridiculously expensive! Anyone have any ideas? We live in Ohio. We make too much between us to qualify for medicaid or any other type of government aided insurance program. Are we just outta luck? There has to be something!?""

Does your Insurance address have to match your registration address?

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/i-want-get-2002-subaru-wrx-people-say-would-bad-choice-fleming"

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whispersinthewires · 6 years

Text

January 23rd, 2018

i want to talk about what i believe in here, because i don’t know what i believe in anymore. writing has been cathartic, for sure, but it’s also been eye opening.

i guess i should start with what i don’t believe in. recently, i’ve realized that i don’t believe in ghosts. i don’t believe in aliens. i don’t believe in bigfoot. i spent my whole life being afraid of the paranormal, but my only fear now is that i’m wrong. i don’t believe in them, but i’ve been wrong about everything at least once in my life, and i don’t want to find out that i’m wrong once my house is haunted or my cat is possessed or some shit. to dust off a joke that’s now (fuck) five years old, i have a crisis of confidence. i’m scared of my own weakness.

i’ve been weak for a very long time. i thought that it was just physical. i thought that it was me against the world and i had to toughen up. i was was half right. i need to toughen up, both physically and mentally. the world doesn’t care enough to be against me. i think maturity is coming to terms with the fact that you’re not the protagonist of the story. you’re not the antagonist either. you probably won’t even be a side character. we know a handful of people from history, but we forget about millions (billions?) of others. i just googled it. 108 billion. though i’m not sure how much i trust the site, because it says that humans started from just two, and that seems weirdly bibley to me. the world doesn’t celebrate your birth, and it won’t remember your death. i don’t believe in god or an afterlife, so that’s it. you live for a while, and then you disappear. and that’s fine. it will happen to everyone, and it’s important to enjoy every moment, because the cut to black will be bleak. i think i probably would have been suicidal if i believed that there was an afterlife, even if it was hell and torture. at least i would continue to be. death terrifies me. i’m so scared that i’ll never be able to make the progress that i wanted to make. i’m scared that i’ll be forgotten. i’m scared that i’ll... i don’t know. i’m scared of not being me. of not existing anymore. i don’t care if i’m mourned, and i don’t care if i’m remembered, but not being me is more terrifying than anything else i can imagine.

the left is obsessed with labels. the right only has a few. you’re a republican, or you’re alt-right, neo-nazi... there aren’t a lot of options. there are less for libertarians, who circlejerk over ayn rand and all espouse the same bullshit 24/7. the left is immense. not center left. if you’re a democrat or a liberal, that’s it, you get your box and you get to hang out in it. fuck them, by the way. at least the fucking fascists stand for something. the liberal agenda with their horseshoe theory and their “both sides are wrong” mentality are the reason that we’re where we are in politics currently. they allowed hillary to ascend to what she thought was her birthright, and the left didn’t end up showing up. they didn’t buy her bullshit, and i’m proud of that on some level. i sure as fuck didn’t vote for her. i didn’t like jill stein that much, but at least her platform would have gotten us somewhere. bernie should have taken her offer to take the green party ticket. i’m not sure that he would have won, but i think he might have. imagine if he did. i think that we’d definitely be better off. that said, i don’t want him to run in 2020. i don’t want him to be president anymore. the opportunity for him presented itself, and we ignored him. we got what we deserved. we got donald trump. this country will burn to the ground, and it will tear itself apart. i don’t know that the left even has to do anything. i think if we just let the republicans keep running shit for a couple more years, there won’t be anything left to manage. either that, or people will become radicalized enough to tear it down. the issue is that if the dems get back house and senate, they’ll push back toward status quo. spineless fucking money hungry garbage people. back to normal is while we were failing in the first place. trump was able to win because people believed that america wasn’t great, but could be. regardless of other issues, the biggest being race, the american populous didn’t feel like normal was good enough. and they’re right. we’re a cancer on a global scale at this point. our prisons are designed to create slave labor, and that slave labor goes to making military uniforms. police uniforms. then we’re making the police more like a military. we’re in a bunch of countries where we shouldn’t have been in the first place. we love our guns. we love our crime. we love our troops. fuck education though.

so i guess at the core i’m an accelerationist. i think that if we push forward and just let things keep getting worse and worse and worse, eventually we’ll be able to make the left more powerful. am i an anarchist? am i a communist? i believe that government inherently is flawed and doesn’t allow for people’s best interests to come through. even the best representations of democracy allow for monsters to take power. that said, i think that a lack of government would allow for the same issue. i sincerely believe that most people are good. most people want to live their lives and prosper. under anarchism, i believe that those people would flourish. there’s a handful of people that would ruin it for everyone though. the kind of people who enlist in the military for the power. the kind of people who join the police force with no intention of actually protecting citizens. the people who took gym class way too seriously. those people would only make things difficult. under a perfect anarchist society, those people would be left alive, to leech off others and to generate conflict. fuck them. i believe in the wall. i believe in lining every single fascist up and executing them all one by one. this is by no means a threat or letter of intent (sorry nsa) but it’s a value that i hold deep in my soul. i think that the only way to create a society worth living in is to execute all of the people who make society unlivable. but i don’t trust people to make the call on who to kill. mob mentality is dangerous, and vendettas are a great way to start a witch hunt. it’s a shame, but no matter how much i believe in people, i know that we as a species become less and less competent when we’re in groups. look at kitty genevese. look at salem. look at mccarthy. army ants are able to march in perfect lines and find and distribute food. they’re able to divide labor and work accordingly. if you put a single army ant on a table, it will wander around the table until it eventually dies. people are the opposite. they are much smarter, and much more resourceful on their own. they have to be. so there has to be some sort of system in place to determine who is a problem, and who isn’t a problem. i’m confident that people like that exist, but i have no idea how one would go about appointing them. voting is out of the question. and if it’s as simple as handing it down, there’s too much room for corruption. who would even get to make that decision? in a society where power is truly equal, i don’t know how we’d manage to appoint any sort of governance. communism doesn’t feel right though. communism is too state-focused, and that’s something that i very strongly don’t believe in. i guess for now it’s important to know this. to know that i trust people enough to manage, but i don’t trust people enough to determine who is worth killing. there needs to be a state for the sole purpose of execution. maybe we need to harken back to the old west with hangmen. maybe we need to have traveling judge, jury, and executioners to come to town, address the issue, and leave. impartiality is key.

again, i’m believing in less and less as time goes on. the world is chaos, and we’re lucky to be here, but assigning any kind of reason to it is naive. i envy people with faith. i wish that i could believe that strongly in anything. that’s not the person that i am though. i wasn’t made to be a believer. that’s okay though.

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surveys-at-your-service · 5 years

Text

Survey #202

"a-m-e-r-i-c-a, home of the free, the sick, and the depraved."

Is there a gang problem in your area? No. Would you date an already-attached person? I'm monogamous and can't stand the idea of cheating. So no. What vaccine that you’ve received hurt the most? Oh I can't remember, I got all my vaccines waaaay back. On that note actually, vaccinate ya fuckin kids. :) Are you afraid to ask people out on dates? Well, I've never done it before. Partially because without my own vehicle or money, I couldn't really take anyone out myself. Who was the last person you hung out with? Girt. Do you watch Oprah? No. Do you drool when you sleep? Very rarely. Is there anyone you're waiting for to get on the computer/call you/txt you? It'd be fucking lovely if my previous school would give me my fucking transcript already. But communication is impossible with them. Do you put deodorant on everyday? If I'm staying home all day in my pjs and I smell fine, then no. I do if before leaving the house no matter the circumstance, and also if I just do think I need it at home. Is Pluto a planet? Pluto is a GODDAMN PLANET fucking 1v1 me if you think she's not I stg. Do you make up your own words? No. Do you know anyone who self harms? Not in the current time, thankfully. That I'm aware of, anyway. Who is the most influential person in your life right now? Sara gives me the most motivation. Do you like Gummy Bears? Yeah, man. Do you like the game Tetris? No. I don't enjoy quick, timed puzzle games like that at all. When do you normally go to bed? Nowadays it can be as early as 8, or at most ~11. Lately I've been going to bed around 9. When was the last time you did something for the first time? Early February. Which do you prefer: Valentine’s Day or Easter? Valentine's. Do you wait until the last minute to decorate, or do you decorate early? We're usually more last-minute. What’s your favorite Starbucks drink? N/A What do you use to sweeten your tea? N/A Which dollar store do you like best? *shrugs* Have you ever owned an expensive eyeshadow palette? No. What’s one challenge you want to complete for youtube? N/A If you make youtube videos, do you have a posting schedule? No. When was the last time you stepped outside of your comfort zone? Probably recently? Can't recall what. Do you own a tripod for your camera? Yeah. Would you rather go to London, Paris, or Tokyo? Probably Tokyo. Were you a bigger fan of Lindsay Lohan or Hilary Duff? Hilary Duff. Which Olsen twin was your favorite: Mary-Kate or Ashley, and why? I remember like, nothing about them. Do you make Halloween costumes out of clothes from your closet? If I wanna dress up, that's pretty much my only option. Do you enjoy putting outfits together? I'm indifferent. What does your umbrella look like? It's just black. Do you like stuffed animals? YES. Were there any subjects that you got a perfect SAT score in? If so, what? Well, this is pretty relevant (I need the scores to resume school). I'm so sure I took it, but apparently not... Do you spent more time in your bedroom or your living room? I live in my room. Do you name stuffed animals still? Not usually. Do you still own your favorite Barbie? I wasn't into Barbies. What’s the most rebellious thing you’ve ever done? I dunno. What’s your favorite thing about yourself? I'm really, really passionate. Have you ever celebrated Valentine’s Day when you were single? No. Do you have any family members that you’ve never met? Plenty of my extended family, and then I don't know one of my sisters. If you’re from the US, what states have you lived in? Just North Carolina. Who was your best roommate? Well it was my then-boyfriend, his best friend, his friend's then-gf, and myself, so I'd obviously choose Jason. What types of YouTube videos are your favorite to watch? Mark's ego ones are my all-time favorites, but if you mean like a general category, let's plays. Which do you watch more: TV, YouTube, or movies? I almost exclusively watch YT. Have you ever wanted to be a model? No. What years did you attend prom? '12 and '14. Do you like your name how it’s spelled? I'm fine with it, but I'd prefer "Brittney," as it's spelled more accurately in terms of how it's pronounced. Did you ever want to be famous? No. Who was your first online friend? Emma. Peruse your bookshelf. Which genre dominates? I don't have one/I don't really read. Does mail get delivered to your door or do you have a mailbox outside? There's a box. If you got a gift card for 50 [your currency], what would you get? I'd save it. Are you good at trivia games? Noooo. If you wear makeup, what’s the most outrageous color you use? I don't use anything unordinary, if I even wear any. What’s the longest song you’ve ever listened to? Shit dude, I'm not sure. "Free Bird" is definitely up there. Do you like garlic bread? Give me ALL of it. Would you ever date someone who didn’t believe in marriage? No; I personally want to be married, so that'd cause some issues. I'd also be concerned that they're not as committed to the relationship as me. What’s the funniest book you’ve ever read? I recall Bite Me: A Love Story by Christopher Moore being pretty funny. Do you think most teenagers are becoming vegetarians just to look cool? No? Have you ever tried climbing a tree? No. When’s the last time you ate a taco? I hate tacos. Would you be more likely to kill yourself or die getting shot? Idk. I've lived through suicidal eras before, and I don't see why I'd be a target to be shot. So it's sad to say, but probably kill myself on impulse. I don't see that ever happening, but just answering the question. 3 things you like to learn about: Meerkats, Mark (look I really don't mean it in a creepy way, I'm just genuinely interested in learning about him), and conspiracy theories. What’s something you could debate about for hours? WOW, never make me do that. Debating gives me anxiety attacks in extreme cases. Has anyone ever called you charming? Maybe? Do you own a pearl necklace? No. What chances do you think you have of becoming a divorcee? Very small; I'm super, super picky with relationships and wouldn't dare marry someone if I had doubts. Would you prefer a black or white cellphone, or a bright colored one? Colored. Does your mom, dad, or siblings play any instruments? No. Your last ex: how did you two get together? He finally admitted he liked me, and though I wasn't totally sure how I felt about him (bf or bro), I decided to give it a shot. What’s the best food for sleepovers? You can't fail with pizza. Does your mom dye her hair? Sometimes, when she's annoyed enough by the gray. If yes, does she deny that she does? No. Are ‘personal response’ essays painful to write for you? Back in school, not at all. How far can you run without breaking a sweat? WHOA girl who told you I RUN??????????? Do you/your parents have any creepy pictures or painting up on the wall? I've been told the Silent Hill stuff is creepy. What’s the best kind of video game? (Adventure, shooting, etc) Horror. I just think it's super cool how something not real can terrify you or literally stop you from moving forward. Do you know anyone who has road rage? MY YOUNGER SISTER. How would you react if your mom got a lip piercing? WOW. I'd be stunned all right. What/who do you take the most pictures of? Nature. Have you been in a play? In elementary and Sunday school. Fries or onion rings? Fries. Do you have a grandparent who refuses to go to an old folk’s home? I only have one, and no, she's still capable of caring for herself. Have you ever made an article of clothing yourself? If so, what was it? No. Do you go to arcades? If so, what’s your go-to game at one? No, but I am SO determined to at least go to one with the Silent Hill arcade game that's incredibly rare. If you were a fantasy character, would you be a warrior, a mage or a rogue? Mage. What tempts you frequently? Tattoos the moment I have money in my hand akdslfjawoei. What’s something that will always distract you from what you’re doing? Loud noises or talking at any volume. Who is the most wonderful, amazing person in your life right now? Sara. My Sara Jane 110%. <3 Do you carry a backpack, a shoulder bag, or a purse? A purse. What’s something attractive in a member of your own gender? I'll answer physically and mentally. Physical: godDAMN do hips do it for me. Mentally: an open, questioning mind hungry to learn. What’s something repulsive in a member of your own gender? Physical: just bad hygiene. I don't find any bodily feature in specific as "repulsive." Mentally: A know-it-all, bitchy attitude. Do your pets sleep next to you at night? Roman always starts off in my bed, usually right beside my head (which is SO damn cute), but occasionally he moves around to other places. Teddy also starts off on the bed if he wants up, but typically jumps down after a while to go to the couch instead. What’s the farthest country you’ve met someone from? Irl, Japan. Online buddies, Australia. Who is your favorite movie villain? Harley Quinn from Suicide Squad, probably. Man, mentioning it makes me wanna watch it again. Or maybe Dark Alessa from the first SH movie as she wonderfully played for a child (she's the youngest nominee ever for the Emmy's AND Genies, y'all) and a truly intimidating character. What’s your favorite flavor of mousse? I don't even remember how it tastes. Do you prefer fruit or berries? ... Berries are fruit? But I get what you're asking, and I think "normal" fruit, despite my favorite fruit being strawberries. Have you ever kept a food diary? I don't believe so. Have you ever calculated whether you get enough minerals and vitamins in your diet? Not myself, but doctors have determined I don't. I know I had a sickening deficit of vitamin D, though; I have to take the vitamin twice a week now. Have you ever had a controlling boyfriend/girlfriend? No. Have you ever written a love letter to someone as a joke? That's fucking evil. No. Was your first kiss romantic? It was cute. I guess kinda romantic. Have you ever liked anyone that was in a relationship with someone else? Yes. Have you ever tried to break up anyone because YOU liked the guy/girl? No. Did you ever think someone didn’t like you, but come to find out they really did? I wasn't sure if Sara liked me /romantically/. If you were a school, what would your mascot be? Uhhh I'm not sure. Which of Taylor Swift’s music videos is your favorite? I don't listen to her, nor have I seen her music videos. Do you like your mom’s wedding dress? I don't know if I've ever seen it but in old pictures maybe. Who was the last person to hurt you tremendously? Probably Mom. Have you tried Wii Fit? Yeah, it's a great way to lose weight and tone up. Who did you last make food for? Besides myself, Sara. Have you ever taken a survey while drunk or high? No. Do you have any relatives in a mental hospital? No. Have you ever worn those Drunk Goggles? Yeah, once in D.A.R.E. Can you agree to disagree, or usually get upset over conflicting views? Agree to disagree is pretty easy for me. Rodeos – entertaining, or cruel? FUCK-ING CRUEL. HOW IS IT STILL LEGAL. Who is the best female rocker? Why? As far as singing goes, I looove Angela Gossow from Arch Enemy. The new singer is fine, too. What color of roses do you find the prettiest? A pink/peach gradient sort of one. Or just red. Do you draw fanart of anything? Not regularly at all, but I have before. Do you like the smell of books? Not very much. What’s on your Reading List, so-to-speak, right now? Nothing. Favorite thing to see in museums? Fossils. What things have people shamed you for? Certain controversial opinions, supposedly always wanting pity when I absolutely don't, etc. Do you always reply to private messages? (On any website) Usually, unless they're creepy or it's someone trying to sell a product. Do you like knock-knock jokes? No, I find zero humor in them. Do you prefer earphones or the ear-muff style headphones? Muffs; they block out external sound more and are generally of a higher audio quality. What is one way someone could completely put you off on a first date? Rudeness. What about a way someone could make you like them more on a first date? A good sense of humor. What was the last music video you watched? Did you like it? No clue. Does your voice change when you talk to certain people? Yeah. What’s your favorite chocolate in the valentine box? The ones filled with fudge. What’s your favorite thrift store? *shrugs* Would you ever share your most embarrassing moment publicly? No. Do you eat yogurt a lot? No; not a big fan. What’s a condition you have that you haven’t been officially diagnosed with? None; my issues are diagnosed. ACTUALLY, I still question if I have a tamer form of BPD, but my therapist sees just bipolarity in me, despite fitting quite a few of the qualifiers for an official diagnosis. Oh yeah, I also know I have carpal tunnel, but I'm not diagnosed with it. Which one of your parents do you think is smarter? Oh jeez. I love you, Dad, but Mom is in most areas. My father has ZERO common sense (where I got it from, I'm sure) and has to hear something five billion times before he understands. Which parent do you think you inherited your intelligence level from? Mom. Do you store your bike in a garage for the winter? I don’t have a bike. Have you ever had a professional make-over? No. Have you ever had a professional photo shoot? When my sisters and I were very young, we always got Easter pictures done. As an adult, no. What’s your favorite way to style your hair? I can't really style it much at the length it is, but what I do prefer is having the short hair on the left side of my head positioned towards my face to help conceal the part in my hair that goes from "boy-short" to a bit longer. Also, I just don't enjoy it as much angled down. What irritates you about your daily life? Being alone nearly all day with not a damn thing to do. Doing the same shit every single day gets old. And fast. What makes you feel more creative? Above anything else, MUSIC. It plays such an influence in my drawings and story development. What’s your anti-depressant? Show me Mark laughing his ass off at that stupid "shoosh" thing or watching meerkats be cute. Music can be, sometimes. What’s your favorite fragrance? I'm assuming you mean things like perfume? In that case, something subtle and fresh, like a weak floral sort. Ever found something disgusting in your food while eating out? I don't believe so. Do you ever babysit? No. I did it once in my life years upon years ago for my former neighbor, and while she was a good kid, I was CLUELESS on what to do/how to really interact as much as an adult should with a toddler. Then changing a diaper, jfc. Thank God she hadn't shit in it, because then it woulda been all over. I was only less stressed when Jason came over because hi former man/baby heart throbbing that used to make my abstinent uterus cry, how are ya. We ended up all on the couch together napping, so I mean, I guess mission accomplished???? But yeah, never will again. What is your favorite medication that you take, and why? Latuda + Lamictal played a massive part in literally saving my life. What color hair did your first crush have? Brown, I think? Would you rather do a craft project or a science experiment? Totally a science experiment. What was the last thing you spray-painted? My hair probably for some Halloween event, I think? Do you paint rocks and hide them in your town? ... Is this a thing?????????? Do you have any cousins who look like you? No. What color band and stone does your class ring have? I didn't get one. What’s one thing you are bad at drawing? Hands. HANDS. Can you see the mountains from where you live? No. Did you ever play pranks on April Fool’s Day? Not anymore. Have you ever played a prank and later regretted it? I've mentioned before my sister, our neighbor, and I had a phase of being asshole kids making prank phone calls, so that. Does chronic illness keep you from doing the things you want to do? Not exactly; I guess a good metaphor would be it's like being a chained dog with the leash about to break. I can't seem to get to some places yet, but I'm putting sincere effort into overcoming those limitations. Do you part your hair on the left side, right side, or in the middle? Left. Do you have bangs? No. Do you think you look good with bangs? NO. When was the last time you got an injection? I believe when I was getting a cavity filled at the dentist, so I had numbing shots. How often do you charge your phone? Depends on how much it's used, but maybe every other day, usually? In a house fire, what three things would you save? My mom, dog, and snake. How long is the journey to get to school or work? N/A Where did you meet your best friend? YouTube. Do you use body wash, shower gel, or soap? Body wash. Do you use public transport regularly? No. Who do you usually say hello or good morning first? Mom sometimes or one of the pets. Have you ever had to work while there was a film crew at your work place? No. What’s your favorite color of carnation? I just looked up pictures to remember what they were, and I really like those white and pink ones. Do you/have you worked a job where you could bring leftover food home from? No. Who or what greets you at the door every time you come home? Teddy and Bentley. Do you ever chat about your favorite video games with your friends? Silent Hill, yes. I'm an admin on its wiki, so pay attention to everything that's going on and contribute to blog posts/forums if I'm not a lazy shit that doesn't wanna read long things. Girt and I talk about World of Warcraft occasionally. Have you ever supported anyone’s Kickstarter? If so, what was it? No. What do you like in your omelet? I haven't had an omelet in, God, forever, but I love the ones with American cheese and bits of ham. Are you currently studying a language? If so, which one? None currently. Do you have free tickets for anything that need to be used soon? Idk. How many things do you remember from the first few years of your life? Oh, boy. I have incredible long-term memory, but it only spans back so far, and I don't know how many years qualifies as just "the first few." I'm also HORRIBLE at categorizing events by age. But w/e, just gonna guesstimate like, 1-4. 1.) I watched my insane brother go down the slide of our playset into the essential lake Hurricane Floyd caused in our yard; 2.) lots of things in pre-k, 3.) being babysat, and our first one always gave Nicole and me moonpies; 4.) going to an absolutely awful daycare where I had my hand slapped by a teacher just for unknowingly going into the wrong room to pick up a toy during playtime (I literally sobbed my lungs out until Mom got me, and she never took me back); 5.) mentioning her, I had AWFUL separation anxiety; 6.) I very publicly had a M E N T A L B R E A K D O W N before I got my blood drawn for the first time (at least at the age where I could understand what was about to happen); 7.) playing with my best friend; and that's all for now. I'm sure there's a whole lot more. NONONONONONO WAIT. So this is super specific, but boy do I remember it. Nap time. Nope. The teacher would have quiet instrumental music on, and I remember so well that if "Für Elise" came on, I would secretly be crying on my "bed" with this random vision of my mom literally melting while looking horrified. Look, I don't. I don't understand either. A child's brain is one hell of an artist. What is something that you would you say you have an advanced knowledge of? Will I ever answer questions like these with anything other than "meerkats?" What is a restaurant that you would never eat at? Anything sketchy, for one. If it doesn't look decently hygienic, I'm not touching anything there. What historical event do you have an advanced knowledge of? HA, none. What is a phrase that you use that you don’t hear many other people use? I dunno. Well, there's "gg" ("good game"=[usually] sarcastic "good job"), which is pretty much gamer terminology; I've said it before in front of people and yeah, didn't understand. Who’s the last person you told a secret to? Either Sara or Mom, idr. Which side of the bed do you sleep on? I sleep more towards the middle of my bed, but I am closer to the left side. Are you currently looking for a job? I'm desperate enough for a job that I'm in vocational rehab. Think that's a sufficient answer. Is there anything currently hurting on your body? Surprisingly not. When was the last time you were told you were cute? *shrugs* Who was the last person to smoke a cigarette in your presence? Dad or Kim, I think. Do your parents really know you? Mom, for sure. I don't feel that Dad truly knows me deeply. Like he's familiar with some things I enjoy and my timidness, but I think that's... kinda it? I mean I'm a whoooole different person from what I was when he left, and there were a couple years before I spoke to him again, so that's a large period of time to change. I do know some of our political/moral beliefs are inverse of each other, and I've got a feeling just from me knowing him that he likely doesn't take mental illness like depression very seriously, and with me being. Me. Disorders are apparently attracted to me. But seriously, as I wrote, I don't know if that's at all true. Honestly who was the first person to tell you they love you? Romantically or platonically? I can pretty much guarantee my mom was the first person to say that ever, but romantically, idk. Probably one of those two boys that wouldn't leave me alone for anything.in pre-k, though I think it's quite obvious neither loved me at that age. Have you ever broken up with someone and become bitter enemies? No. Were you ever obsessed with Vitamin Water? I don't think I've ever even tried it. Have you ever had a weird dream and obsessed over what it might mean? No, as I don't feel they have any strange/"special" meanings. Or do you usually forget about your dreams? And then there's also that. Which languages can you speak? English, some simple German. Which language do you speak the most and why? English, because I was raised speaking it. What celebrities, if any, have you seen naked? None. I know, SHOCKING. Have you ever seen anybody naked by accident? Yeah. Have you ever wondered what somebody looks like naked? Sure. Have you ever had a sexual fantasy about a celebrity? I plead the 5th. Do you think guys look good in makeup? You ROCK THAT SHIT, QUEEN. Do you like using clay and/or peel-off masks for skincare? I like face masks, but it's not something we buy. Instead I just use Biore charcoal scrub. If you have a job, who’s your closest friend at work? N/A Is there an automatic fog light in your yard? No. What’s your go-to activity when you’re bored? Surveys, usually. Have you ever worked in an office? No.

#survey #quiz #questions #random

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