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poormeowmeowcollector · 3 years

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Trying To Balance With A Part Of Yourself Missing

Summary: Thor bargains with Odin on Loki's sentence, and he wins. Loki is moved with the Avengers to fix his past mistakes. But Odin's term changes everything, and Loki's foe is not their mistakes, but their self-image.

Warnings: each chapter has individual, the work in general is pretty dark

Notes: When a dialogue of Loki is in bold, he is speaking English. And when a line is in italics without a dialogue, it's an intrusive thought.

Chapter 5: The Doctor

Chapter summary: Banner takes Loki for the tests.

Warnings: Language, gender dysphoria, gender dysmorphia, internalized racism, intrusive thoughts, needles, blood, medical themes, mentions of child neglect [not on screen], mentions of self harm [not on screen]

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This time, Friday wakes them up, reminding them of the appointment with Banner. Loki groans and drags himself out of the bed and into the bathroom, it's better to get rid of that smell, at least for as long as it can hold.

At least Loki doesn't have to look at their body as they wash themselves, an advantage of blindness they didn't think of until now. Still, being forced to touch all the time is unpleasant and uncomfortable to no end. And trying to wash his hair without scratching his hands on the horns or his claws scratching his scalp is a task unimaginably difficult.

Loki now understands why Jötnar run around naked, wearing a shirt with these horns is almost impossible. But, they must hide the chest plate, at least from everyone but Thor. And Banner, after the examination. And, shit, he probably has to take breakfast with them…

They sigh and glance at the mirror, only to make sure they don't look so much for a mess. His appearance is acceptable, so he takes the now charged earpiece and walks away, wearing it as Friday starts instructing.

A hand touches their shoulder, making them flinch away. Thor, the owner of the hand, mutters something, probably an apology, but he can't hear it thanks to Friday. They take a breath out and smile at Thor, muttering a good morning. Thankfully, Friday stops talking.

"How are you feeling? You look…" Thor trails off, trying to appear as polite as possible.

"F-f-feverish? It's fi-fine, just-just a b-bad day," he brushes off, suddenly glad that he doesn't need Friday's translations.

"But, you're ill," Thor argues, making Loki sigh.

"I'm not-not, it's a bad d-day," they answer.

"Loki, you can't fool me. You're unwell, why don't you admit it?" he groans. Truth be told, Loki rarely admits any weakness with ease. As long as one can walk, there's no need for whining, Odin had said countless times and Loki never stopped obeying.

"I d-d-do. It's a b-bad da-day," he speaks slowly and as clearly as possible.

"Loki, you're having a fever. It's not just a bad day, and you are allowed to admit that you're ill. Please," Thor begs, actually begs. If Loki wasn't so pissed off, they'd be touched.

He pulls Thor closer, mostly to maintain some secrecy. "I am on m-m-my pe-pe-period," they hiss, watching as Thor's last brain cell comes to life.

"Oh… well, this explains the irritability of yours, brother. You know your patience always runs low these days," Thor nods, all matter-of-factly. Loki has to take deep breaths and remind themselves again and again that murder is a convicted crime, and they should not get locked up in a Midgardian prison. Or any prison, anytime soon.

Luckily, Thor remains silent after that. The only one who breaks the silence is Friday, reminding Loki that he can't eat before a blood test, or the results will not be accurate. Fine, they didn't really feel hungry anyway.

Perhaps, if you skip today's food entirely, you'll lose that disgusting bloating of yours. He tries hard to not grimace at the thought. No, they have to remind themselves, it will leave after a few days, it always does. Just do the damn tests and then eat, it's not that hard.

When they reach the kitchen, Loki can feel eyes on him and a mix of confusion and irritation in the air. Alright, just stay quiet and it will pass.

Wanda mutters a good morning, her magic swirling around her like some form of shield or blanket. Loki repeats the wish, forcing a smile. They don’t know which is worse, the jealousy building up or the guilt over the last time they listened to that feeling.

Thor helps him find a chair in the bright chaos, and even pulls it. For fucks sake, they're not unable to sit on a fucking chair! He tries to prove it by being the one who adjusts it on the table.

"Morning, dude. How're you feeling?" a man asks, Wilson. Just by his voice, he sounds kind, less judgemental.

"Fine, thank you for asking," they answer, plastering another fake smile (one of the best skills being a prince has given them).

Still, Wanda is seeing through it and attempts to find out, by using a simple mind invading spell. One that makes the base of Loki's skull feel ablaze. As loud as he can, he thinks of the word stop, making Wanda pause and retreat, her curiosity replaced with shame.

Then, a conversation occurs. Loki doesn't want to take part, but the combination of the voices and Friday's translations is overwhelming, making his head pound. Friday catches the message and stops translating, but the voices are still too fucking loud. Loki sighs and decides to just take a sip of water, and see if it'll help, but it turns to ice before it touches their lips. But fuck, he's thirsty and in pain.

A hand touches their shoulder, and they jump up, turning around to see a short person dressed in purple. "Are you ready for the tests?" He asks, Banner. Loki nods and gets up, pardoning himself before walking away.

"Are you okay?" he asks, making Loki groan.

"Wh-wh-wh-why does e-e-everyone ask me-me if I'm okay? I'm f-f-fine!" they snap, stopping only after feeling Banner freeze.

"I asked because you looked like you were about to start crying over there. No offence, they can be loud sometimes, but you didn't seem like you were taking it well," he answers, half expecting his skull to be crushed. But Loki is just ashamed he didn't hide the pain better.

"N-n-n-none t-taken. Noise is not exactly we-we-we-welcome, and I used to to-to-tone it down w-w-with spells. Now, I c-c-c-can't," they explain, just beginning to collect themselves.

"You know, you can ask Friday to deafen, if you use the earpieces. It helps," he suggests. Loki nods, happy with the silence that they fall into. At least Banner doesn't feel like he has to talk all the time, even though he's nervous. He's still afraid of him, even though it's not necessary any more.

The lab is a fucking bright room, Loki has to cover their eyes and let Banner navigate them, after lowering the lights.

During the examination, Loki comes to realize that Asgard and Midgard are opposite when it comes to healing. First, Banner promises secrecy, any information stays private until Loki asks for a leak, or in a life or death situation. And then, he just asks about everything and listens to the answer. No doubt, no comments and no painful examinations with leeches or smelly potions that make people’s skin pink. Well, the examination on light sensitivity was painful, and Loki swears to piss on the grave of whoever thought a flashlight in the eyes is a good idea, but the rest were fine.

When he was young, Odin would not easily believe Loki, no matter what. The times when they were forced in hunts that were leaving them in the healing wing for weeks or feasts until they faint on their plate due to fever are uncountable. The show would usually begin with Loki faking the illness because he’s lazy, come to its climax when Loki would be deemed delicate and weak while being tossed in the healing wing and the parade of hypocrisy would end after Loki returns to his chamber only to be forgotten there. Loki learned two lessons from this. One, if they can stand up, they're not ill, and they shouldn't bother other people with whining. And two, if he's truly ill, it's wiser to deal with it on his own than let others draw conclusions.

The change feels so odd, yet it’s so welcome.

Until the time for the blood test.

"Just follow my instructions, I'll make it as painless as I can," he promises, and then instructs Loki to lift their sleeve and show the armpit, the non-dominant one. Loki doesn't show his nervousness, and tries to appear as cold as possible when he reveals the hand, and everything he's done to it. Banner doesn't comment and doesn't show pity, but his skin grows just green enough for Loki's eyes to notice.

The other instructions were easy. Clench the fist, breathe in, breathe out and relax the hand. Banner is surprised to say the least when he sees the tube filling with blue liquid instead of red, but doesn't comment.

Do you think he could bleed you dry and be done with this shit show? Loki hitches a breath and clinches their stomach, stopping when the sound of something breaking and a hot pain blooms in their arm. Did he freeze the tube and break the needle?

Banner fetches something from a table and grabs Loki's hand, muttering something about getting the needle out. Loki hisses from the pain, and manages to freeze Banner's glove, but he still covers their hand with gauzes. The white starts turning blue and freezing in some parts, Banner is about to do something about it but Loki hums a no.

"Do you want to try again?" he asks, Loki could feel how he was expecting a negative answer. But he nods a yes and covers his right hand, so he’ll uncover the left one and clench. This time, they don't dare looking at the needle and mentally play some random songs for a distraction. Banner tells him to clench again, and then gives him some cotton to press in the hole before he vanishes behind some machine.

"What were you humming?" Banner asks, making Loki's face go ablaze.

"I… em… a song," they mutter, and mentally berate themselves for the lack of words. Banner laughs, but not out of malice. And he hands over a paper box and a bag. Loki stares at him and tilts his head, but Banner tries to brush it off as "something that's always done when someone gets a blood test". As if Loki is also a fool, apart from blind.

They're about to get dismissed and leave when Friday tell them via the earpiece that Banner will ask questions when he sees the test results. Loki sighs, it's better to be the one who tells him, right?

"Ba-banner, about th-th-the te-te-te-test, y-you may so-see some… abnormalities in th-th-the tests. It's n-normal, yet-yet-yet uncomfortable," they trail off, feeling confusion on Banner's side instead of clarity.

"Would you mind being more specific? I need to know what to ignore,"

"Hormonal, m-mostly… on, em…" he groans in frustration, feeling like an absolute fool, "on me-me-menstruation hormones… and y-y-yes, I kn-know wh-what it implies. B-but, d-don't tell anyone, only Th-th-th-thor knows," they get it out, waiting for a myriad of feeling emit from Banner. But he just makes a small oh sound and hands over another paper package.

"I guess you'll find them easier than tampons. If you finish them, just come to me. Don't try to steal Nat's, you'll be disappointed, and possibly earn a chinned tooth," he smiles, but Loki can sense the warmth from saying Romanov's name. Love, he concludes, what a complication when towards your co-worker, from what he's heard.

"W-w-w-we're done?" they raise an eyebrow and look down at Banner, glad he doesn't look afraid. Interesting, just enough inspection, and he isn't afraid any more. What a gullible scientist.

"Friday will find anything we missed, and she can help Tony make you some glasses, if you decide you want them, or inspect the brain damage from the other guy," he answers. Loki nods and is about to turn around, before thinking twice about the answer he got.

"W-w-wait, wh-wh-wh-what brain d-damage?" they blink. Apart from the nightmares, thoughts, flashbacks, headaches and general fuckery, his brain works perfectly. Well, perfectly might be an exaggeration, but the Hulk hasn’t done anything.

"You're telling me you walked around with a dead ear since the Attack and didn't notice?" Banner is now the one to raise an eyebrow.

"I w-w-was in so-so-solitary c-c-confinement until y-y-yesterday. Not much to h-h-h-hear," they explain. But… he should have heard Thor coming today in the corridor…

"Yeah, your left ear is dead, or the nerves getting messages from there to your brain. You can thank the other guy, and there's nothing to be done," he isn't exactly mild on announcing another damage on this throughout fucked up body, but it doesn't exactly matter. So, they just nod and go back to hiding under their sheets, but this time they make Friday play some music, just to cover up the silence.

~~~~~~

Taglist: @lucywrites02 @electroma89 @the-emo-asgardian @rorybutnotgilmore @hybrid-in-progress @weirdfangirl2416 @darkacademicfrom2021 @nicoistrying

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thewritewolf · 5 years

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Rekindle Chapter 18: Balconies

Marinette pays a visit to Master Fu and, later, her parents.

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@marichatmay

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Marinette wasn’t sure how much longer they would have stayed out that night had she not remembered something very important that she had nearly let slip out of her mind entirely.

Pulling back from Chat, she put a finger on his lips as her eyes widened. “The Butterfly miraculous! I was supposed to bring that the Master Fu the moment we took it from Hawkmoth.”

He became sheepish and rubbed at the back of his neck. “Y-yeah. We got caught up in me and my problems there for a while, didn’t we? Sorry.”

“If it means that you’re in better state of mind, then I can’t regret it.” She placed a kiss on his nose as she stood up.

His brow scrunched up in confusion as he watched her. “Wait, are we going there now? Can’t this wait until morning at least?”

“No, I’ve already put this off too long. Besides, I know that Master Fu won’t mind being woken up this late if it means getting ahold of the miraculous.”

He grabbed her hand when she got close to the fire escape. “Allow me, my lady.”

And just like that, he had pulled her close and jumped over the edge, deftly catching the railing nearest to their bedroom and swinging them inside. She snorted. He must be feeling better if he is back to his theatrics.

“You know, I’m perfectly capable of walking down the stairs myself.”

“Probably,” he said with a grin. “But I like my way better.” He spared a glance for Tikki, still resting in her spot at the bedside. “Need a lift to Master Fu’s? Your ride seems to be sleeping.”

She knew it would probably be better to wake her up, but the last few days had been hard work on the poor kwami. Tikki deserved to have a little more relaxation, right? Besides, Marinette would be lying if she said she didn’t enjoy sailing across Paris holding onto Chat Noir. It felt good to let go every once in awhile. With a shiver, she remembered she was still wearing pajamas and a robe.

“Let me change into something warmer and we can head over.”

-----------------------------

“You did well to bring this to me, young ones,” Master Fu said while placing the recovered miraculous in a familiar black and red box.

“Sorry it took so long - everything just happened so suddenly.” Marinette bowed her head and saw Chat Noir do the same out of the corner of her eyes.

“Understandable,” he replied as he cast a meaningful look to her feline partner and placed the box next to the Miracle Box.

“Wait, aren’t you going to return it to the rest of them? I’m sure Nooroo wants to see his friends again.” Chat rubbed his arm nervously. No wonder he was concerned for the sick kwami - hurting and alone wasn’t far off from his situation not too long ago.

Wayzz zoomed in front of his face. “While nothing would please us more than to return him immediately, being exposed to such intense negative emotions for so long would require healing for any kwami. And Nooroo, being so sensitive to the subtleties of emotion, is in even greater need.” His frown gave way to a small smile. “But don’t worry! He is in good hands now, and his recovery can begin.”

Master Fu stroked his beard thoughtfully. “Which is more than I can say for Duusu and her miraculous. It is a shame that we don’t know what happened to it.”

“Actually… I think I know who has it,” Chat replied, hesitantly. Marinette blinked at him in shock. When had he found out about the Peacock miraculous? And why hadn’t he brought it up- okay, that part was obvious. A lot has happened in the last few days.

“Really? That’s excellent news!” Fu’s excitement gave way to concern. “Wait just a moment. Is it in use?”

Chat nodded. “I didn’t see her actually transform, but, I talked with Plagg and Nooroo a little and Nathalie definitely has it. Somehow, she used it to teleport away from me before I could stop her.”

While Master Fu stared into space, stroking his beard, Marinette settled into Ladybug mode, “How bad is it? Do we have to worry about another Hawkmoth?”

“While some mischief may be caused by the Peacock miraculous, it lacks the potential for secrecy that the Butterfly does. No, it is not the people of Paris that I fear for, but rather this Nathalie.”

Marinette exchanged a look with Chat Noir and saw the worry in his eyes. “What do you mean, Master?”

“The Peacock was damaged during the Fall. It is much too unstable to be used for extended periods of time. Even worse, until I can repair it, the chosen will suffer from prolonged use.” He let out a deep sigh as he shuffled into the kitchen. “The good news is that there will not be a new Hawkmoth and one way or another, this situation will resolve itself soon. What is less fortunate is that I don’t know what the repercussions might be.”

“You mean for Nathalie? Will she at least be… alright?” Even after her betrayal, Adrien still cared. Marinette felt her heart go out to him.

“I can’t say. Hopefully she will seek help before then. We simply have to be ready until then. With the powers the peacock can grant her - and her apparent knowledge of them - she will prove difficult to catch otherwise.” Master Fu shook his head sadly. “I just hope that no other damage occurs because of her recklessness.”

Slipping her hand in Chat’s, Marinette nodded and said, “I hope so too.”

---------------------------------

Marinette sat on the balcony of her old room above the bakery, looking out over the familiar night time vista, practically a copy of her childhood memories. After a couple weeks of being in close quarters with each other, she decided that maybe it was best to give Adrien some space to himself. And what better way to do that than to pay another visit to her parents’ home?

Still… even if it was just for the weekend, she couldn’t help but miss him. She rolled her eyes in irritation with herself. It was only a few days! He was probably doing just fine without her right now. The least she could do was go back down and spend some more time with her parents. She was about to do just that when something caught her eye.

Maybe it was just because she was thinking about him - she’d certainly been doing a lot of that these last couple nights she’d been sleeping alone. Because it surely couldn’t have been Chat Noir she saw across the street. Right?

Pulling out her phone, she sent a quick text to Chat Noir’s baton, asking if he was out. When he replied immediately, she huffed and pressed the call button without responding.

“Chat.”

“Um, hi, Marinette. Did you, uh, need something?”

“Don’t play coy. I saw you.” Her voice softened as she crossed her arm over her chest. “You know my offer still stands, right? You can come over if you want.”

“I don’t know.” The call ended. She wasn’t about to let him off that easily, but just as she was about to redial, she heard his voice coming from behind her. “I suppose I can make some time for my favorite civilian, though.”

She turned around and he was perched on the railing like an actual cat. She crossed the distance between them. Putting her hands on his cheeks, she pulled him into a kiss and felt his tail wrap around her leg.

“Miss me?” He smiled smugly against her, but before she could provide a retort, he continued, “I missed you too.”

Shaking her head, she laughed. “It’s only been two days! Are we really that bad?”

“It isn’t bad to be madly in love, you know.” Despite his bold proclamation, there was a faint blush on his cheeks.

“Such a flirt.”

“You like it,” he replied in a sing-song voice.

“Maybe.” She poked his nose. A sudden idea occurred to her and she pulled him off the railing. “Come on!”

As he struggled to stay on his feet, he asked, “Where are we going?”

“To see my parents, of course. I’m sure they’d love to see one of the great heroes of Paris.” She whispered to him as they leapt down the trapdoor into her old room. “Just tone down the flirtiness, okay? We haven’t even told anyone we’re dating yet.”

He looked her up and down with a dubious look on his face. “It’s going to be hard with you looking like that.”

She glanced down at herself in confusion. He’d seen her in pajamas plenty of times. “Looking like what?”

“Looking so beautiful, as always.”

She punched his arm playfully with a roll of her eyes. She hoped that the light blush wouldn’t be too noticeable when they reached the floor her parents were on. Taking a deep breath, she led him into the living room, where they were watching television. Since she was here, they were staying up late - at least, late for bakers.

“Mom, dad? We have a guest!”

“Guest? But I didn’t hear the door-” Her dad turned around and his eyes widened when he saw Chat Noir standing by the door. “Welcome. Welcome!” Neither Marinette nor Chat were ready when he picked up the feline hero in a hug. “You’ve done Paris a great service, son!” He placed him gently back on the ground. “Stay here for just a moment. I have a present for you!”

While Tom hurried out to the kitchen, her mother walked over to them. “It really is something, isn’t it? After so many years of worrying about supervillains and all it ends in an evening! You must be so happy.” Sabine smiled warmly at him. “We really appreciate everything you’ve done for Paris, though heaven knows I’m glad you won’t have to put yourself in danger like that any more.”

Marinette’s eyes widened and she felt like smacking herself in the forehead. Of course her parents would want to talk about Hawkmoth and his defeat. What else would you discuss with Chat Noir? It was true that he was doing much better, but it was still a recent pain. She glanced worriedly at Chat, who had plastered one of his fake model smiles onto his face as he listened to her mother.

Before Marinette could change the topic, her father returned with a platter laden with bags. No doubt they were filled with the remains of that day’s batch of pastries.

“Here you go, son. You’re not much more than skin and bones - eat all you want!” The enthusiasm became dampened as he continued. “But, if you could take some to Adrien Agreste, we’d appreciate it.” Chat nearly choked on the croissant he had begun eating.

Sabine put a hand on her chest. “Oh dear! That poor sweetheart. I can’t believe his father could do something like that.” As they all sat down, she shook her head sadly. “There were so many akuma attacks that went at your school, Marinette. To think that he put his own son in danger like that…” She patted Chat Noir’s hand. “Thank you for taking care of him. Being constantly bombarded by questions and accusations would only make this worse for him, I’m sure.”

“I know he appreciates the support, but how are you so sure he doesn’t have anything to do with Hawkmoth?” His ears flattened against his head. “A lot of Paris seems to disagree with you.”

Both Sabine and Tom chuckled. Sabine replied, “You haven’t spent much time with him, have you? He is far too sweet to have taken part in his father’s crimes. I’m sure of it.”

“Besides, Marinette is a good judge of character,” Tom said. “Since she fell in love with him, that’s proof enough for me.” Grinning, he added with a wink towards Marinette, “Somehow, I can’t see the same boy that decorated Marinette’s walls being an agent of evil.”

As Marinette paled, Chat’s ears twitched up, alert again. With a mischievous glance in her direction, Chat asked, “Marinette had a few posters of him, then?”

“More than a few! Practically covered all her walls, didn’t you, dear?” Tom nudged Marinette’s arm and she groaned.

“Daaaad!” She whined in betrayal. “That was years ago!”

“Say, Mr. Dupain, have any more stories about little Marinette’s crush you’d like to share?”

As her parents did their best to embarrass her, Marinette couldn’t bring herself to care very much. After all, this was the widest smile she’d seen out of Chat for weeks. Even so, she made a mental note to bribe Plagg later - she knew that his obsession with Ladybug had been just as great.

But for now, she was content to watch him be happy.

#MarichatMay2019 #Miraculous Ladybug #Marinette Dupain-Cheng #Chat Noir #Marichat #Sabine Cheng #Tom Dupain #Master Fu #ml fanfiction #my writing #Rekindle

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nxtheromoved · 3 years

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[ inbox shenanigans | always accepting ]

yivohn said: What does Daeris think of her father? How about her mother, Nocturnal?

OH MAN this is about to get complicated so bear with me. I’ll start with her dad because her feelings for him are easier to unpack that for Nocturnal.

Trigger warning for mentions of childhood neglect.

Also this got long af so it’s going under a cut.

E V A N D E R

So, even though he’s not part of her life, Daeris still knows of her dad. She still keeps tabs on him. It’s hard not to do so; he’s General Evander Urzara, a hero of the Imperial Legion and someone who is very much part of the metaphorical “glue” that holds Cyrodiil together. Word gets around, not to mention they live in the same city. But in most verses, he is unaware of her still being alive. If he knew, he would do everything he could to bring her home.

Daeris admires him. She thinks he’s a genuine hero. But because she sees him this way, compounded with her abysmal self-perception, she doesn’t think she’s worthy to be his daughter. She believes if she were to reunite with him, he would never accept her and at best would be disgusted with her. In verses where she does reunite with him, she’s proven wrong, but she tries to hide her history with the Dark Brotherhood because she thinks him not knowing is the only reason he’s welcomed her back. But the thing is, he does know.

It’s explained better here, but basically Molag Bal found out what Nocturnal did and didn’t like how much personal influence she could now have over the Cyrodiilic Empire, so he had one of his largest cults repetitively attack the family in an attempt to either destroy the family as a whole or drive Nocturnal away; the latter of which was successful when it became clear to Nocturnal that Daeris was their true target. Daeris’s aunt, Viatrix, was the one who suggested that “Umbra” (Nocturnal’s alias) hide Daeris with the Dark Brotherhood because her husband Letreius had familial ties within the organization and she knew the Matron of the local sanctuary, Sitha Abelas.

Viatrix had always known where Daeris was, and though she planned on telling Evander, Nocturnal made her true identity known to her and compelled her secrecy. But after Daeris reunites with Evander, Viatrix is no longer beholden to the oath she made to Nocturnal, so she tells him what happened and pleads forgiveness. It did at first cause a rift between Daeris and Evander as he processes what he’s learned about his daughter, “wife”, and family as a whole, but it’s nothing that Daeris doesn’t write off in her mind as part of the expected adjustment period of going from strangers to family, and she remains unaware of her father’s revelation.

Learning the truth also didn’t stop Evander from wanting Daeris to be part of his life again. Even if all of it was true, he reasoned that 1. she was indoctrinated from birth and never had a conscious choice regarding the path her life took and 2. once she did have the capacity to make that choice, she gave up being a tool for the Dark Brotherhood and is now trying to better the world. He’s decided that it’s best to not even hint at his awareness to her past because her past is something that should truly be left behind, and him acknowledging it when she seems intent on moving away from that part of her history might only serve to cause her shame. Not that he wouldn’t ever be willing to have that conversation, but it needs to be on her terms and when she feels like she’s ready to talk about it. (And once she does eventually come clean to him, it’s far more impactful for her to learn that he’s known all this time and has not once treated her differently because of it. It invalidates the fear she’s had all of her life and brings her catharsis.)

N O C T U R N A L

Now, onto her feelings for Nocturnal, which can best be describes as a bag of cats. It’s hard to even put it into words because there are so many different aspects of their relationship. Daeris doesn’t truly know how to feel about her mother, and I’m not sure that Nocturnal even knows how she should feel for Daeris. The only thing I can say with 100% confidence is that Daeris loves her mother and Nocturnal loves her in return. But love for daedra, especially a Daedric Prince who has existed for countless millennia and has no reason to regularly indulge in an emotion that is so incredibly mortal, is beyond complicated. For a being that is wholly permanent in space and time, encountering a new emotion would be so incredibly jarring.

Just think about it; these deities have long grown used to emotions like joy, desire, wrath, envy and the like, but these are emotions that are provoked by things encountered in every day life. Daedra have no reason to love. They don’t have families. They rarely take any form of spouse, and when they do, it is always temporary and rarely born from any loving attachment. They do not know love, and if they feel love, they cannot easily understand it. Most think such a thing beneath them as most Daedra prize self-serving goals above anything that needs to take another being into consideration, let alone put that being before themselves.

But it’s not impossible for Daedra to feel it. They just can’t comprehend what they’re feeling, I believe. Take Clavicus Vile and Barbas as a platonic example, or Vaermina and her lover in ESO as a romantic one. Daeris doesn’t have this issue because she is a Demi-Prince who has spent her life among mortals, but Nocturnal struggles with it.

The closest comparison I can draw is Nocturnal’s relationship with her nightingales. She has a motherly love towards her nightingales, obviously, but there’s something off about it because she is a Daedra and she doesn’t care to get genuinely attached to them. As much as she does care for her nightingales, they are finite beings, and they are not irreplaceable to her (though the ones the stay loyal to her until their deaths are taken good care of in Evergloam after their passing). A betrayal earns anger, but she cares not for the betrayer beyond that. They are nothing to her if their purpose is not aligned with hers.

Daeris has found a similar dynamic with Nocturnal, but one that runs deeper due to their biological connection, a genuine attachment, and Nocturnal’s higher expectations for her. Nocturnal loves her daughter, but she doesn’t know how to best treat her as a daughter, if that makes any sense. She created her because she wanted a stronger, more loyal agent, but Daeris is more than that to her. Daeris grew up among mortal and has mortal expectations for her mother, but Nocturnal cannot fit that role because she is not one. And it’s a bit frustrating to Nocturnal, that her daughter finds fault in her as a mother because she doesn’t conform to ideals of motherhood that exist among what Nocturnal believes to be inferior beings, and she can’t understand what she’s done to create this dissonance.

In Nocturnal’s mind, Daeris should care more about her growth in terms of power and her status among Nocturnal’s ranks because that’s what a daedra would care more about. Her need for maternal affection and nurturing were not things that Nocturnal had anticipated, nor could she realize that she had robbed Daeris of these things through her partial absence in her childhood because a child cannot articulate what is missing from their life; it’s only something noticed in hindsight. She doesn’t realize how she’s created resentment in Daeris until Daeris is old enough to understand why she resents her mother and tell her this. And even then, Nocturnal still doesn’t quite get it, because again, “mortals are weak and their emotions are stupid” and it’s hard for her to grasp the idea that Daeris needed Nocturnal to put her before her own goals; an idea of selflessness that is completely foreign to the higher ranks of the Daedra. Not that she isn’t trying to understand, but there’s a lot of shit that needs to be fixed between them because for so long she believed her daughter (and herself) to be a more perfect, problem-less being than she was.

Daeris is fairly tolerant to Nocturnal’s behavior nowadays, but I think that’s because once she got past her rage and grew closer to her mother, she began to understand how Nocturnal genuinely struggled to comprehend what life was like for her. She refuses to excuse it and wants to make things better between them, but just like Nocturnal, she doesn’t know how to make things better. There’s no quick fix to teaching a daedra how they’re supposed to behave towards others in an unselfish manner, or even how to be towards their children. It’s even harder to convince her that mortal interests are worthwhile beyond how they can service daedra. In that regard, she’s frankly just grateful that Nocturnal doesn’t interfere with her interests or try to micromanage her life. Still, she believes that they’ll reach some semblance of a normal relationship one day, though it will undoubtedly take years of work on both of their parts. At least Nocturnal is willing to try.

In most verses their relationship is still incredibly strong in spite of its many faults and is complicated at worst. But in ESO, it becomes permanently fractured. Nocturnal believed that Daeris would put her plans and the opportunity to gain power for both of them before her cares within the mortal realm. She saw no problem with acting against her friends, her lover, and everything Daeris cared about because she believed Daeris had simply been misguided and was a nudge away from returning to her “right” path. She knew that Veya corrupting Dawnbreaker would lead to Darien sacrificing himself to cleanse it, and she believed that doing away with Daeris’s strongest attachment would give her no more reason to fight against her in defense of Tamriel.

She was wrong. While Daeris was conflicted before, she was now set firmly against her mother. She refuses to forgive her for what occurred, and their relationship is likely fracture beyond any hope of repair. Nocturnal has tried. She wants Daeris at her side again, but she cannot admit she was wrong. Even if she did, would it really help? She realizes that she may never earn her forgiveness, but still she watches over her in the shadows, even though Daeris actively works to undermine her now by hunting down those who spread her influence or take part in her schemes.

The sad irony is I believe this forced separation on Daeris’s part helps Nocturnal understand even more why she was wrong to leave her with the Dark Brotherhood as a child, and not from the standpoint of she would have likely remained loyal had she not grown attached to the mortal world, but because she’s started to understand how Daeris needed her and how her being mostly absent deeply affected her. In trying to understand why her daughter turned on her, she discovers what truly went wrong, and it was her fault. She created a daughter that was half-mortal, but she didn’t view her as such. She was unable to recognize how Daeris had grown so attached to mortals because she had for so long ignored the fact that part of Daeris was one of them. And she regrets that.

If she had a chance to do things differently, she wouldn’t change the circumstances of Daeris’s creation. She wouldn’t change the part of her that was mortal. She would keep her firmly at her side from birth, and she wouldn’t ever use her. Though she created her with the intent that she would be her agent, she regrets ever seeing her as anything other than her daughter, and losing Daeris has caused guilt and shame beyond her failed conquest of the Crystal Tower. Only now that she’s lost her has Nocturnal realized how much she truly loved her daughter.

#[daeris ; about]

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icefrozendeadlyqueen · 4 years

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Twisted Creed: Chapter 20 - Unwanted Company

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A/N: The instrumental song was posted to youtube by Ubisoft Music UBILOUD - Music By Austin Wintory. Assassin's Creed: Syndicate.

It's call "Men Have Become Monsters". You should check it out~

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I have never felt so sure about anything in my life before. This is the reason I was given this position in the first place not to rule, but to become a voice for the people of London. I have decided to be just that without a reason before; however, now I have more than one reason to do it. The Templars will curse the day they decided to cross me. I don't take that lightly. I might fall as a woman in their little perfect world, but I am so much more than that.

I have tried time and time again to be just like them; however, even I know that children are pure. They become cruel living in this world. The Templars haven't offer London prosperity. They have offered that within their ranks, not to the people.

I have been patience more times than I can count. I have been trying to push my duties past me; however, I am a Templar and their offense can't go unpunished. I'll punish those that have done the people wrong.

A breeze hit her petite skin warning her of the change of weather. It brought her out of the racing thoughts she had. The idea that the people she swore secrecy to had stabbed her on the back. When she wasn't looking at all, the idea of being betrayed hasn't sunk in yet. Those different people with the same title, but each of them having their own purpose. She should have been more careful. She is always careful. First, their betray then second, adopting those children.

What was going through my mind? They remind me of her.

I keep forgetting not everyone is my past. She is my past.

Why can't I let it go... Family.. they are family, and they shouldn't be left behind or forgotten.

There isn't any sound as she walks. She walks without a destination with the sinking emotions. They are surfacing to her features. They look trouble much more than usual. She is never an open book; however, today seems different that any other day. Why can't she forget the racing memories? Why does London look so similar to the past? Why does it keep remembering her of what she has lost? It comes and goes without any announcement.

She stops for a short second. A deep breath for the first time in so long. Everything stop for a short moment, she takes this time to see her surroundings. London will always be a fascinating place for her. It grows with wonder and beauty. It shows so many sides of one simple coin. Both sides can't live without the other. The rich can't live without the poor while the poor can't live without the rich. Some riches are enough to live, but some others are addictive enough to kill for them.

"Lady Rosaliana" she sighs heavily listening to her name. The dried tone in which her name was pronounced makes her regret turning around. There he was laying on a wall. He tried to look appealing, but there is no way he can manage that. She bows respectfully turning back around; however, her path was cut short by another man.

Great, I have to deal with him. Yes, I know him pretty well. I haven't pay much attention to his dying attempts to capture my attention. I really am not interested in the man. He is just a man. You can find men like him everywhere. No matter the continent, no matter the time period, and no matter the time. There are always men like him spread all over the globe. Men that believes a woman is lucky to catch their eye. Honestly, I feel lucky if he leaves my sight.

She sighs heavily holding back "What's the hurry? We could chat" She rolls her eyes at the man in front of her. He is cutting her path which is very irritating. She glares up at the man speaking to her. He chuckles at her glares "A pretty face like yours, shouldn't wear a look like that" She holds her knuckles white they turn as her anger wants to come out. Even if she wants to let go, to show them what pain really feels like. She takes a deep breath to collect herself before turning back to look at him.

I would really want to crush their skull on the pavement, but then again...

that's not really ladylike, is it? If I do that now I would have to kill innocents too. I can't do such a cruel thing to them. Take a deep breath Lady Rosaliana.

A smile lingers on her lips as sweet as she could manage. Her pink lips slightly press together. She holds back the words she wishes to speak. If she flips now, there is a probability they will die. The thought crosses her minds much more than it should "What is it, Boron? I have matters to attend too. I am a very busy person as you must know" She speaks in a hurry not because they are two of them.

She wants this over and done. She can think of a hundred things to do than to be standing in front of this man. He is the last person she thought could still be in London; however, she has been getting surprised this couple of days, so she shouldn't count him or anyone else out. It bothers her that from anyone she could stumble with. It had to be Captain Boron. Why couldn't it be Lucy or the dead body of Mr. Ferris.

She knows this to be some kind of trap because the only walkway is the alleyway. All the other path are cover by men. They are probably guards that work for Boron. Rosaliana walks past the man, and to her better judgment into the alleyway. She would prefer an open space than a lonely path. She has walked many, but this is childish of Boron. If he knew that an alleyway is the perfect place for her, she will be able to kill all of them without killing innocents. She couldn't have thought of a better option. She had keep control for a long time.

It's such a shame I have to break my oath now. I promised them I wouldn't. I would keep behaving and thinking just like a Templar; however, that oath is becoming harder and harder to keep.

She stops in her tracks. She glances up to the buildings between the alleyway. They hide the atrocities that will occur in a few minutes. There are some people that should never cross me, but they aren't alive to tell the tale. Rosaliana turns around seeing Boron and his man enter the alleyway "You have ignored all my letters, Rosaliana. It's Captain Boron now. I have been promoted to Captain" he speaks of all that he has done for London. He speaks of all the words he spills on the papers. He speaks of the words and his feelings. He wants to know something that I am not sure it exist in me.

Rosaliana watches Boron with boredom in her eyes. She fixes the cloak covering her long blonde hair. She really wishes to be somewhere else. Even in a Templar meeting than this "Captain Boron" Rosaliana rolls his name sharp with enough of it to dry out an ocean. He stops walking to glanced at her "How many times have I told you? 20 or 100? I am not interested in anything you have to tell me. You are and will always be beneath me" She speaks with a tone as cold as ice "If you die today, I wouldn't weep a single tear. You are as useless and disappointing as your father" This words might have hurt much than anything I have said before.

He needed a reality check. Glad, that I let that out there without trouble. He isn't much of a man anyways.

#jacob frye #oc #Assassin's Creed #Assasin's Creed #Assassin's Creed Syndicate #@assassin's creed #assassinforlife

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nxtherold · 4 years

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[ inbox shenanigans | always accepting ]

@yivohn said: What does Daeris think of her father? How about her mother, Nocturnal?

OH MAN this is about to get complicated so bear with me. I’ll start with her dad because her feelings for him are easier to unpack that for Nocturnal.

Trigger warning for mentions of childhood neglect.

Also this got long af so it’s going under a cut.

E V A N D E R

N O C T U R N A L

#child neglect tw #[daeris ; asks]#[daeris ; about]#[nocturnal ; about]#[daeris ; relations]#[nocturnal ; relations]#this got long as hell I'm sorry lmao #but this is a meta that's years in the making tbh #basically daeris + her dad = nonexistent but turns into something positive and healthy once they get reintroduced #daeris + nocturnal = hella complicated bc they do love each other in their own weird daedric way but it's kinda toxic and it implodes in ESO

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