#I want to consume less media but as an artist I need to

[cherrysnax]

I don’t think my remake fatigue is only pointed at REvil honestly. it’s like everything is a remake or a reboot or whateva

#like I really really loved the remakes we have #3 was the weakest link but it was rlly fun #we haven’t finished 4 yet but I know it’s gonna be one of my fav games ever #but #idk it seems like everything has to be a remake or a reboot or a reimagining #there’s always adaptions and stuff and those r cool #this is also my fault for not branching out ironically enough #idk I think a lot of media banks on nostalgia not that it’s a bad thing #but like do sumn new #it’s like how I’m not burnt out in superheroes I love superheroes #I’m burnt out on big budget mcu films #I loveeed the Batman and it rlly felt the most accurate on screen batman ever so it’s clearly not just about originality #idk #I want to consume less media but as an artist I need to #witch hat atelier felt like. idk it made me feel like a kid again #it’s weird I can watch shows over and over again. but I think I’m growing out of that now #maybe it’s just a byproduct of getting older #or maybe it’s just my depression #yknow that guy was right. I do talk more clearer in my tags #I spose that’s something I oughta work on

[mortalityplays]

You need more free art.

I quit my job yesterday. Well, actually I quit my job eight weeks ago, but they finally released me yesterday for good behaviour. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do - but I do it for the wrong reasons. Working for major charities, you learn very fast that 'I want to make the world a better place' is a phrase you use to ask people for money, not to give them things. I was an ass-backwards fit for that world.

You need more free art. I need more free art. Everyone has felt the shift in our media landscape over the last ten years, away from access and towards nickel-and-diming the human experience. That lack of access is making life and culture worse for all of us, across the board. Paywalled news sites leave us less informed, attacks on the Internet Archive leave us less capable of research. Algorithmic social feeds and streaming walled gardens trap us inside smaller and smaller demographic bubbles, where we are increasingly only likely to encounter ideas that have been curated for us by marketing departments. Hasty efforts to resist AI commodification have only led to more artists locking their work away and calling for even more onerous systems of copyright law. This is not good for us.

We all need more free art.

So what am I going to do about it?

This is a question I have been asking myself for years. It's easy to sit here feeilng frustrated and thinking 'boy I hope SOMEONE does SOMETHING'. It's harder to take action in a world where I still have rent to pay. But hard doesn't mean impossible. Sometimes hard just means time-consuming, frustrating and slow. And sometimes it's worth doing something time-consuming, frustrating and slow because...I want to make the world a better place.

I'm going to do this:

1. From April 1st, I am relaunching as a freelance writer and editor.

This is the one that will (hopefully) help to pay the bills. I am a very good and experienced editor. I've worked on hollywood movies, I'm a member of the Chartered Institute of Editors and Proofreaders, I have clients who have been coming to me exclusively for more than 10 years.

Alongside bigger contract jobs, I am going to refocus on offering my services to small-press creators at a reduced rate. That means you, graphic novelists. That means you, itch and amazon writers. I want to help you develop your work, the same way I help large organisations. You can learn more about what an editor even does and what kind of pricing you can expect here.

2. I'm also going to start giving shit away. Like, constantly.

Next week I'm going to launch a new free shop. If you're unfamiliar, a free shop, giveaway shop, swap shop, etc. is an anarchist tradition of setting up a storefront where anyone can take what they like for no cost. Offline, this often means second-hand clothes, tools, furniture, food etc. Online, I am going to be giving away digital art. Copyright-free, no strings attached. It will (eventually) feature everything from print-res posters to zines, poems, tattoo flash, t-shirt designs and anything else we come up with.

Yes, I said 'we' - while this is a curated collection, it will feature work from a variety of credited and anonymous artists and activists, all of whom have agreed to give their work away to the public domain. Some of it will be practical, some of it will be political, but a lot of it will be decorative or personal. This is, in part, a response to recent difficulty I had finding somewhere that would print a one-off joke poster for a friend that featured the word 'faggot'. Enough. No middlemen - no explaining ourselves. Just print our shit and enjoy it.

I'm very, very excited about this project. I'll have more to say about it closer to the launch, but you can expect it to go live on March 27th.

2.2 I forgot to mention the ACTUAL LAUNCH GIVEAWAY

To celebrate my launch, I am going to be giving away a ton of physical prints. When I went looking for my old stock to see if it was worth setting a new (paid) storefront up, I realised I had way more old work in storage than I thought. This will be announced in its own right on Monday, but this is why I've been hinting you should go follow my Patreon.

On April 1st, I will pick 8 random patrons (from across all tiers including non-paying followers!) and mail them a bundle of assorted prints and postcards. The prize pool includes A3 and A4 posters, packs of A6 postcards, and printed minicomics that I've previously sold for up to £12 each.

You don't have to be a paying subscriber to enter - this is strictly no-purchase necessary. It is purely and entirely a celebration of the concept of GIVING ART AWAY FOR FREE.

3. PORN, YOU PERVERTS

Because I still have to pay to stay alive, I am going to be subsidising all this free art with the introduction of Fuck You Fridays. Starting from March 29th, I will drop a new 18+ short story on the last Friday of every month, over on itch.io (yes I know my page is desolate right now, don't worry I'll get there).

The first edition, Go Fuck Yourself, is about, well - telling your boss where to stick it. Julia has had it with her millionaire man-child manager, and is just about ready to let him know what she really thinks. It's a short and steamy 5k words, with a gorgeous cover illustration by @taylor-titmouse, and you can pick it up for $3 starting from March 29th.

4. ANOTHER BIG SURPRISE

I'm keeping this one under wraps for now, but April 1st will also play host to one more (FREE) launch. If you've been following me for a long time, you might remember the other significance of this date (no not April Fool's day, though that is certainly thematically relevant to this entire effort). That's all I'll say right now. Watch this space.

tl;dr: I'm sick of paywalls and career ladders. I'm literally putting my money where my mouth is. More free art for everyone and I'm not kidding around!!!

#announcement #please reblog let's make this HAPPEN

[alpaca-clouds]

Why the media CEOs will always learn the wrong lessons

Yesterday a friend and I talked about how the entire (AAA) game industrie looked at BG3 being as popular as it is and going: "Oh, we need to produce 100+ hour games, I guess! Those sell!" Which... obviously is not why it is popular. The game is not popular because it has 100+ hours of gameplay, but because it has engaging characters, that are well-acted and that work as good hooks for the players. Like, let's face it: The reason why I so far have sunken 160 hours into this game is, because I wanna spend time with these characters - and because I wanna give them their happy endings.

But the same has happened too, just a bit earlier this year, right? When Barbie broke the 1 billion and every Hollywood CEO went: "Oh, so the people want movies based on toy franchises! Got it!" To which the internet at large replied: "... How is that the lesson you learned from this?"

Well, let me explain to you, why this is the lesson they learn: It is because the CEOs and the boards of directors at large are not artists or even engaged with the medium they produce. They mostly are economists. And their dry little hearts do not understand stuff more complex than numbers and spread sheets.

That sounds evil, I know, but... It is sadly the truth. When they look at a successful movie/series/game/book/comic, they look at it as a product, not a piece of art or narrative. It is just a product that has very clear metrics.

To them Barbie is not a movie with interesting stylistic choices that stand out from the majority of high budget action blockbusters. It is a toy movie with mildly feminist themes.

Or Oppenheimer is not a movie to them with a strong visual language and good acting direction. No, it is a historical blockbuster.

And this is true for basically every form of media. I mean, books are actually a fairly good example. In my life I do remember the big book fads that happened. When Harry Potter was a success, there was at least a dozen other "magical school" book series being released. When Twilight was a big success there was suddenly an endless number of "teen girl falls in love with bad boy, who is [magical creature]" YA. When the Hunger Games was a success, there were hundreds of "YA dystopia" books. Meanwhile in adult reading, we had the big "next Game of Throne" fad.

Of course, the irony is, that within each of those fads there might have been one or two somewhat successful series - but never even one that came even close to whatever started the fad.

Or with movies, we have seen it, too. When Avengers broke the 1 billion (which up to this point only few movies did) the studios went: "Ooooooh, so we need shared universe film series" - and then all went to try and fail to create their own cinematic universe.

Because the people, who call the shots, are just immensely desinterested in the thing they are selling. They do not really care about the content. All they care about is having a supposedly easy avenue of selling it. Just as they do not care about the consumer. All they care about is that the consumer buys it. Why he buys it... Well, they do not care. They could not care less, in fact.

So, yeah, get ready for a 20 overproduced games with a bloated 100+ hours of empty gameplay, but without the engaging characters. And for like at least 15 more moves based on some toy franchise, that nobody actually cares about.

And then get ready for all the CEOs to do the surprised Pikachu face, when all of that ends up not financially successful.

Really, I read some interviews yesterday from some AAA-studio CEOs and their blatant shock and missing understanding on why BG3 works for so many people.

Because, yeah... capitalism does not appreciate art. Capitalism does not understand art. It only understands spread sheets.

#baldurs gate 3 #oppenheimer #barbie #barbie movie #hollywood #game industry #media #indie media #media criticism #anti capitalism #late stage capitalism

[yumeka-sxf]

I try to stay away from negative topics, but after hearing talk on social media yesterday and seeing this post from @such-a-downer, I just had to give my two cents about the complaints regarding yesterday's chapter being "another short mission" and that Endo is somehow being "lazy" or whatever.

I honestly don't understand this mentality of criticizing manga-ka, or any artists really, because they aren't delivering by whatever standards you personally think are appropriate. To me, it just seems like entitlement because Endo has no obligation to cater to any specific fan's wants. This is his story to tell the way he wants, and his characters to develop at the pace he deems fit. This isn't a business contract where we're paying him to deliver content we want every two weeks without fail. If I'm consuming the fruits of someone's creative labor for free, I certainly feel no right to complain if sometimes their content isn't what I wanted or expected. I'm fine with that because 1) I know it's what they (the creator) wanted/needed at the time, and 2) even if a particular chapter wasn't my cup of tea, I know other fellow fans out there somewhere are enjoying the heck out of it, and that's cool!

We also have to remember that SxF is basically a one-man show. If Endo is busy or sick or whatever, it's not like he can have someone fill in for him to write and draw the series. That's what a hiatus is for, that's what making a short chapter instead of a longer one is for...that's how artists should be treated so they don't get burned out and stressed. Plus, art shouldn't be rushed. Any artist knows that there are times when you have trouble coming up with ideas and maybe need a little extra time to develop a more complex section of the story. To immediately jump to conclusions that he's lazy or doesn't know what he's doing is ridiculous. Maybe he didn't feel good for a few days, maybe he's been busy with other SxF events, maybe he just needed more time to get a particular future arc developed, or maybe he just has basic IRL obligations to take care of like we all do...you don't know what's going on in his life, so don't make assumptions.

Another thing to keep in mind is that it's literally impossible to please every fan. One of the comments I read for example, someone was ready to drop the series because we haven't seen much of Yor in "a while." All I could think of was "didn't she just have a pretty big role only four chapters ago when they went to the ski resort?" Plus she was the star of chapter 91, which was less than ten chapters ago. So according to this person's standards, four chapters without seeing a particular character is "too long"? What if it was only three chapters, would that be acceptable? It's not right to push our own personal standards of a series' pacing as the "correct" way: some people want to see more of character X while someone else wants to see more of subplot Y, so should both complain that the manga-ka isn't doing right whenever they focus on something else? I'm not saying you shouldn't make criticisms of a manga-ka's work, but the criticisms should come from within the narrative itself, not superficial things like chapters focusing on subplots/characters you don't want to see or not having enough "plot-advancing" content when it's not a plot-focused series.

People who have read SxF up to this point should know the general flow of the chapters: mostly slice-of-life episodic, with more plot-heavy, intense arcs once in a while, like the cruise arc and bus arc. It's an ensemble series that spends most of its chapters focused on at least one of the Forgers, but occasionally other characters here and there. That's how the series has been for years and will likely continue to be. So if you keep complaining because you only like the dramatic story arcs and not the "nothing happens" episodic chapters, then maybe the series just isn't for you. It's totally fine if that's the case, but don't act like Endo is doing something wrong because he's not providing the particular thing you want in his story.

To summarize, Endo has no obligation to cater to particular fans' standards, just as we have no obligation to keep reading his work if we don't like it. But being a fan to me means respecting the creator's pace and vision even if it's not always what I personally want. I can find something to enjoy in every chapter because I'm a fan of SxF, not a fan of one particular aspect of it. But I also will not complain every time my tastes aren't being catered to and will simply occupy myself with other things while I wait. What's the big hurry, after all? I'm in no rush for SxF to wrap up its plot and I'm glad Endo isn't rushing either.

And that's all I'm gonna say about this topic, lol. On a happier note, I'm going to finally see Code White on Thursday! 😁 More to come later~

#spy x family #sxf #spy family #spyxfamily #sxf manga #sxf manga spoilers #sxf spoilers

[canonkiller]

Hi, I'm trying to do art commissions, but no one has commissioned me yet. Do you have any advice for attracting customers?

I wrote a lot of words for you in hopes that at least some of it will be helpful, so I'm putting the bulk of this answer below a read more to save people the scrolling. The quick and easy two tips that I find people forget to do the most are:

Is your art easy to find? Having a pinned post with a tag for your art, a link in your bio, or an art-focused / reblog-light blog (like this one!) make it so that people know you draw, and knowing you've been posting art for a while makes you less likely to be a scammer.

Is your commission info easy to find? People can't buy things that they don't know you're selling; clear and accessible links to your prices and terms are important.

Now for the real bulky meat of advice giving, where I say a lot of words that may or may not be relevant:

I have a lot of advice, but I do want to say before getting into it:

A lot of selling art (especially in a non-industry setting, like with social media commissions) is luck.

There is no one size fits all method for selling art, and it's best to go with what feels right to you (I'll go more into this later)

Tips for selling are not necessarily tips for creating, and there will be advice in here that I don't apply to myself. Determining what you do and do not implement is something you should decide for yourself and your work flow.

Your art not selling doesn't mean nobody cares about it.

Personally I think the idea of intentionally curating a single subject demographic of Customer and Consumer for your work is limiting and doomed to burnout in a non-industry space. I will also touch more on this later.

Now for the rest of it in varying orders:

✨ Attracting Customers

This one is going first because you mentioned it specifically. It is kind of vague though, by nature of the term, so what I advise doing is specifying.

When you are thinking of a customer, are you trying to appeal to:

People who will buy pre-made art products? (Pins, stickers, prints, etc)

People who will buy custom work? (Commissions for specific subject matter)

People who will buy art resources you've created? (Fonts, bases, texture packs, 3d models etc)

There's also frequency: a repeat customer of custom art will usually be appealed to more by a wide range of options (like illustrations), while you might get more single-purchase customers if you only offer a limited range of options (like only icons).

Demographics also, of course, play a substantial role in just custom art commissions; furries get lauded as high spenders, but they're also a huge community that is focused around OCs, so by statistics alone they will have more people with spending money and will be frequent customers of people drawing OCs. A narrower audience means fewer people, but often the spread of the people within that audience is the same - and at the end of the day, selling an art piece only requires one other person, it's just a matter of happening to find them.

The follow up question is of course the finding: the average artist in fandom spaces selling commissions does not have the platform or budget for an ad campaign. This, however, is also its own category:

✨ Posting Online

Right out the gate: anyone who has told you that just drawing x thing is the way to get easy money is wrong.

"If you draw more fan art, you'll -" wrong.

"Nobody cares about that, you should be drawing this instead -" wrong.

"if you need to sell fast, just sell porn -" wrong. And also re-evaluate your perceived lack of quality or value about the subject.

The things you will be able to create easily and consistently will be the things YOU, SPECIFICALLY, like to create. It is also entirely impossible that you are the only person on earth to have ever liked those things, which means that if you create them, there are people out there who will enjoy them.

It feels itchy to be like "and those people are Potential Customers", but it is true; your work will resonate with people. They will want you to create it. It is vitally important to your own well being that the things you create, that you want others to enjoy, are things you enjoy as well.

(This is also why the "just draw porn" joking advice that gets tossed around is particularly fucked up. You as the artist should not feel forced into drawing things you aren't comfortable with, and the vast majority of customers for explicit content also don't want the people making it to feel forced into doing so. It's basic consent. I have strong feelings about this.)

If you are creating things and putting them out into the world, they will find an audience. That audience may be one singular person! The number does not matter, because that's still a person who - again, sucks to frame ig this way - has the potential to buy things from you.

If you're constantly chasing a bigger follower count, more interactions, etc etc for the future, it can genuinely be pretty taxing on the people who want to support you in the present. When you enjoy someone's work, and want to support them, being told constantly that that support is not good enough is frustrating. Trying to follow your work should not lead to seeing more "likes are WORTHLESS and NOBODY reblogs my things" posts than it does art. You are a person making things to share with other people, and you have to remember it or you will burn yourself out into a desiccated husk.

TL:DR consistency is key and the easiest way to be consistent is to just draw whatever the fuck you live drawing in whatever ways you want to draw it, and then slap it on the internet somewhere and Keep Doing That

✨ The Actual Commission Information

this one is just factual really. A lot of artists have really shitty commission sheet layouts, because advertising graphic design and illustrative art are different skill sets. That's fine. You don't have to remake the wheel. A good commission sheet should include:

More images than text (if you can't see what the examples are when zoomed out, you have to rearrange or cut down on words)

Examples organized by price / type, and clearly labeled

Your personal favourites for examples - one really strong example piece is better than twenty tiny images of work you think is just "okay"

Contact information - having a method that works WITHOUT a social media account (email.) Is important and way easier to keep organized, imo

A SIMPLE list of strengths (the things you draw the best) and things you won't draw (common example: mechs). You do not need to list every fandom or subject matter. Limit yourself to a top five.

A clear and easy to type link for your terms of service. Carrd, and sites like it, is good for this. This will go into details about your process, what you will and won't do, permissions granted to the commissioner (like "no, you can't make an NFT with this"), your privacy policy (saying you won't sell commissioner details to third parties), and other stuff. You do not want to have all of this on your original post, because it should be thorough and you want your main post to be showcasing your work and not your legalese. Here's mine as a reference; if you have trouble writing your own, feel free to copy from it and make the necessary alterations for your work.

✨ There Was More I Was Going To Write But I Forgot

I have a different document of commission related talk here, which is also incomplete but in a different way. It's in my nature. Hopefully some combination of this and that can be useful to you. Sorry if they're not. I love you have a nice day

#not art #ask #ne0nwisp #i feel like this is a profoundly unhelpful word count but I Tried.

[jojo-oliver]

How to tumblr for artists… my own version

A collection of things that have been working for me, but may not work for everyone

~~~ your posts ~~~

!!!reblog your own stuff!!! you need to reblog your own stuff, there is nothing morally wrong with reblogging your own stuff regularly. in fact, it is morally right to allow the chance for more people to see your artwork.

~~~ queue it!! ~~~ my queue is 500 posts strong. maybe don't try to make your queue hundreds of posts strong in the same day omg but like… once every month or two i'll go through my whole blog and just scroll and "add to drafts" to every one of my own posts i have. then i'll use the "mass post editor" to add content warning tags. and add to queue, and shuffle. and then I write down what the date was for when I last added my posts to be reblogged on queue. this is helped by turning on timestamps for posts in tumblr "dashboard preferences" settings.

queueing is necessary and life saving for me. It takes out so much work with decision fatigue and the anxiety around posting. It also guarantees that even if I suddenly need time off or away from my phone, I don't just disappear and lose all traction. It also breaks the instant-gratification cycle that you expect when you finish an artwork. It's hard to keep creating when you post something and, when you're expecting to get that gratification, you get none... If you queue your new artwork to come out at a later time, you've separated that expectation - with time. It hurts less and contributes to a more consistent gratification thing instead of peaks and troughs.

~~~ tag ya stuff ~~~ when you're making a new post, the first 20 tags are what gets put into the searchable tags. do not feel shame for using lots of tags. shame is the mind-killer. tags are hard. hard to know what to tag a post with. hard to remember the tags. so I found some ways to help myself. maybe they'll help you too. dedicate some time towards just figuring out what tags you want to use. i have a list in my phone notes that i add tags to and reference whenever i'm making a new post. i have the phone right beside the laptop while i'm tagging so that i can just look at it and scroll. tags are the only way for people to find your artwork, other than people manually coming to your blog because they saw you somewhere. there is no algorithm. posting without tags, until you have an established fanbase, is throwing something into the void.

When I'm doing tag research, I look at what people seem to use - when you put something in the search bar, tumblr recommends you some that have a higher following, typically. Looks like this on desktop:

if you like one tag, look at what other people who use that tag also tag their posts with. Observe and learn how this tag is used. search through a bunch of them and write them down.

here's what i got in my notes, for the specific kind of art I post and look for:

these tags are sort of specific to me and the kind of art I make. You'll want to research your own tags, but this is an example of how I keep them organized to make posting more effective. I generally only write down a tag when it's got more than 2k followers. You might be tempted to use the tags with millions of followers, but I've actually found those a lot less functional for small artists. If your stuff doesn't immediately get a bunch of notifications, you're drowned out and pushed to the bottom much faster. But the bigger tags are better than no tags, so I keep them if I can't think of anything else to tag something with.

~~~ post at the right times….? ~~~

fridays and saturdays is when I post fresh new things... usually. every website has it's own peak hours, and you can find those hours in many different online articles that try to sell you social media growth services. tumblr is unique in having later hours.

here's some random graph from google images:

please don't over think this. please don't let this consume the idea of when to post, preventing you from posting at all. it doesn't mean too much - if you post during very active hours, maybe your art would just be pushed down the feed faster. if you post at the end of hours, maybe everyone's going to sleep… if you post at inactive hours, maybe there's less 'competition'… if you post at the beginning of active hours, maybe that's just more time for your post to circulate for the day, if you have enough people reblogging it once it drops....

this also is in EST. So fuck the other time zones, I guess. I'm over here in europe knowing that the "best" time to post would be like 2-3am or something. It's like this for most english-speaking majority sites - higher traffic in north american time zones.

it's also worth mentioning that this is scattered as heck, compared to other social media sites. and it's not like, the activity times of your followers. it's not the best time to post for your niche. this is just tumblr, broadly. all of tumblr.

~~~ Plan ahead for annual dates ~~~

Your artwork will get more circulation if it's posted on a celebratory day. You could just put them on your calendar and if you're wondering what to make, look on the calendar for what's coming soon. For example, asexual awareness day, trans day of visibility, location-specific holidays, etc. Here's my phone notes thing with my own recorded annuals:

I got these dates from googling and reading different articles, but I find that I still miss dates, and then I add them for next year. If you know of some I missed, tell me and I'll add them please <3

~~~ reblog other people's stuff ~~~

tumblr is sorta about ecosystems. things get passed around within groups of people that are all following eachother. to enter this ecosystem, you must engage and reblog other people's stuff too.

if you reblog other artists' stuff, sometimes they'll come over and reblog your stuff too. sometimes they'll follow you back. this is called becoming a mutual. I'll search specific tags for the kinds of people I want to follow and the kind of art I like - those are listed in the screenshot of my tag note under "Tags for finding new people".

I see a lot of blogs out there that are very clean, posts are tagless, and are only for the artists' content. like scrolling through a portfolio. I imagine this is good for people who are migrating to tumblr but already have their own established fanbase from elsewhere.

you don't need to do reblog other people's stuff on your art blog, you can do this on a separate blog. but if the two don't look very closely correlated, it's hard to tell who you are when you're interacting. and hard to make sure people know that you are the same person as your art blog. and you gotta remember to promote yourself on your personal blog.

~~~ have an art tag ~~~

make your blog easy to search!

if i go to your blog, and you've written 'artist' or 'sometimes art' in your bio, i wanna see it… it make me so sad when i don't get to see it. i want to reblog it. please let me reblog it :(

to make a tag on your own blog searchable, you don't need to repost it to add a tag. you don't even need to reblog it. you can actually just go back to the original post and edit it to add your tag. I've seen post people just have their art tag be something like #(blogname)art . you can see my own in my tags image above. if it's very unique, then it'll work tumblr-wide. I think that's good, since the tumblr search function is really weird. Otherwise it should still work if it's not entirely unique, people just have to make sure they're searching specifically your blog to see only your stuff.

I like to have a link in my pinned post where people can click to have immediately searched for my art tag. Convenience is king. Keep in mind that most people are on mobile, and if something isn't immediately clickable, they often won't find it.

~~~ be consistent and be patient ~~~

!!!this time will pass anyway!!! how many notes you have is not correlated with how good you are as an artist. wanting to earn something from your art means you essentially have two jobs. two potentially full time jobs. this shit's difficult. most of the job is promoting yourself. don't undersell how hard it is to do… don't feel bad for not immediately succeeding. I would write about how hard it's been to promote myself, but it would just be long and sad I think.

This isn't a full guide, please feel free to add more!!

I'm sure in another year I'll disagree with a lot of this, it will become irrelevant with time, and I'll have a lot of different opinions. Chip in and share what you've been doing? Teach me? This is very overwhelming. Don't do it all at once, just like, try one thing at a time, and see how it works for you. Your niche might be different. One size does not fit all. If you're confused about some of the things I talk about in here, you might be on mobile. I do most of my queueing and posting from the desktop browser version.

I will update this with more as things change, but I think you'll have to click through to see the updated post

#pinned #beginner artist #small artist #queer artist #trans artist #artists on tumblr #artist support #artistsupport #new artist #art blog #art on tumblr #lgbt artist #lgbtq artist

[greekceltic]

FAQ Page

I'm not quite done with this, but it'll be nice for later.

Is it okay if I take inspiration from your art and concepts? I've been in a situation in recent years where another artist has taken far, far too much. You've probably seen me talk about it. It's a subject I'm pretty burnt out on. I recently saw another artist's take on this and it seemed sensible to me. I'm just going to quote theirs. I have tried to find my own words, but right now I find myself more comfortable using someone else's. "Well, if you’re having to ask me for permission, either your design is too similar or you’re being overly nervous about a normal artistic process. You’re absolutely free to use my work as a source of inspiration but I’d strongly encourage you to think about the details from my design you like most, and remix them with other concepts into your own unique take."

Taking inspiration is something everyone does, but please don't become a shadow I get bi-weekly alerts about. Ideally your pool of inspiration will be many artists and concepts re-imagined into something unique to you- and that you're being honest with yourself about the result.

Your art is being copied! / Will you tell me who the copy cat is? I know your intentions are in the right place, and I appreciate that, but I get a lot of messages about this and am tired. I'm sure if my art ends up somewhere it shouldn't be or there's a significant event, the community will get it to me through people I know, but let me rest. I'm just sayin' get a second or third opinion before coming to my inbox.

I sent you a message and you didn't respond. Sorry about that. I tend not to stress about messages because it can be a drain. You're more likely to get a response if you let me know from the get go what you want, but nothing is guaranteed. Sometimes I didn't see it, sometimes I got busy or forgot, sometimes I plan to do it later, sometimes I just opted out. It's not personal.

Are you okay with fanart? What about OC interactions? Can I post it? Sure, just don't profit off of it and please credit me. If you want to draw my OCs interacting with yours that's also fine- though I prefer situations where their actions make sense. Alf wouldn't make your character cry for fun, for example. He's grumpy but not cruel. Posting it is fine. Where do you Rp? Are you looking for more partners? Discord mostly. Roleplay consumes a lot of time so these days I mostly only play with my buddy Thema. I probably wouldn't have time to play, but I like to hang around people that do and I don't mind being asked. Just please don't be sad if I never get around to responding! I'm most compatible with people who are comfortable with radio silence.

Can I use your characters in roleplay/as roleplay refs? Considering I actively roleplay my OCs and there's a potential for confusion, I'd rather you didn't. Though I think there's a difference between linking to my art and saying 'this is my character', and linking to it to say 'this has the mood I'm going for, but here's what's different about my character--'. The latter is fine.

Can I make Fan OCs for your setting? Thinking about this makes me tired. Maybe I'll get to a point where I'm more comfortable later, but for now I'd rather you didn't make something directly from my worlds. But lets be real, you don't need my permission to draw cat monsters and I take a huge amount of inspiration from ancient history. Many of my concepts are inspired by things that you can read about and be inspired too. If you see something and are curious if there's a historical source, just ask. Hopefully I'll remember.

Can I repost your work? I don't mind as long as I'm credited. Most of my art has a signature on it already. If it doesn't, please add a link or my name so people can find me. I'm less okay with my work being used as a pageviews grab on a site where I have an active social media presence, but it's probably not worth my time to care.

Do I have permission to draw NSFW art of your characters? No, for a plethora of reasons, some easy to explain and some not, but I probably can't stop you. Just don't profit off of it or show it to me.

Do you have a website for your OCs? I have RP pages for them scattered all over the place and many of them are outdated, but as I type this I recently put some up on Toyhouse. https://toyhou.se/GreekCeltic

Do you have a website for your comic? Sure do. It's an expensive fuck. https://catswaycomic.com/ When does your comic update? Sporadically. I work on it when I have time. My income is solely freelance commissions and Patreon- mostly commissions.

There's other places you could post your comic! Yeah, I know. I may do that someday, but for now I like having my own house, even if it's an expensive fuck. (Not really, the renewal just hits around tax time, Lol).

#faq #stuff

[mightymizora]

I made a post a long time ago that broke contagion about wanting more things that take risks and ultimately fail and man some of the comments recently! Yes I know that the industry needs consumer items to balance risk I’ve worked in the media and performance industry longer than most of you have been alive, what I’m saying is that there has been a noticeable change in risk appetite!! More things are being written to trope for mass appeal and less exciting stuff is being allowed at all! There is too much editorial control across too wide a range of roles! Funding and costs and increased social divides across money means it’s harder than ever for working class creatives to come through (my old partner literally went on the dole when he started acting because gen x and above could do that!) artists have to be their own marketer and producer, every author is expected to have a tiktok and be able to distill their work into bite size chunks, even literary ones!

And don’t say that wanting more originality is a universal want. If it was we wouldn’t have people continuously buying essentially the same tropes with different names attached. Come on now.

[shuunnico]

I don’t follow you but I saw your skullgirls censorship post and it’s the stupidest thing ever. Doubt you even play the game you stupid fucking coomer, instead you throw a fit and act like everything is going to shit because some panties were removed. Fucking baby

Already said it multiple times.

The censorship is not just the panties. The changes include:

The Black Egrets having their armbands removed. The Egrets are an evil organization, meant to be reminiscent of the Nazis, and the removal of their Canopy Kingdom armband lessens that impact.

Big Band's story, wherein corrupt police nearly beat him to death, is toned down, making BB's story more sterile and makes the police corruption less severe in the story.

An announcer voice was removed. This was a crowdfunding stretch goal, which means the devs are removing content funded by the fans who made their game possible.

The artbook was edited. Guest art was removed. Black Egret concept art was edited to match their current look. Concept art serves as a snapshot of the creative process. By going back and revising the concept art, it ceases to be concept art.

Keep in mind, the art book is a separate digital purchase and a reward for the crowdfunding campaign. The devs, functionally, just took the art book you bought and tore pages out.

The panties are some of the least concerning things about the new batch of censorship. But even then, the game was crowd funded. The fanbase knew what it was and backed the game based on that. The devs are slowly stripping out aspects of the game the original backers funded.

As an artist and someone concerned about consumer rights, I feel like I need to point out how awful all of this is.

Nobody would permit the devs to come in and scribble over their physical copy of the artbook just because they wanted to make changes to it. Why should digital artbooks be any different? You paid for it, you should own it. This is just another step towards everyone lacking any and all digital ownership.

I find censorship to be concerning. Toning down darker tones, removing sexual elements, changing the original owner's visions. As an artist, I have to stand against censorship because, if I don't, eventually censorship will come for everything I enjoy and, then, finally my own art.

I lived through the 90s and 00s. I remember this exact same kind of censorship being forced on media back then too by Christian Conservatives. It was awful then too and I had hoped we, as a society, have moved beyond the censorship of art.

The fact that you thought this was just about panties just shows how uneducated you are on this subject. Your confidence is misplaced and you're defending the censorship of art and the erosion of digital rights.

Please, be better.

[fernsnailz]

i think the hardest part of recovering from my recent burnout has been learning how to be kinder to myself and my art. it's something i've struggled with for a long time, and it's become painfully obvious to me that part of the reason my burnout has been so bad is because i don't find much value in the things i create. to me, my art has always been partially defined by my flaws and shortcomings. it's hard for me to not fixate on the things i think detract from my work - i'm trying to be more constructive about the things i want to improve, but it's so easy to fall into the "everything about this sucks" pits that i dig for myself.

i think having an online presence defined by my art has added to these insecurities, yet has also been a huge step in helping me realize how i need to address them. this is kinda why i've been less active on twitter, it often feels like people there only treat my work as content to consume (which obviously isn't the case, but the format of that platform makes it feel that way). it also feels hard to reform my public artistic identity since most of my online presence is based around fanart. as much as i love fan communities, i really don't want to be solely known as "some guy that draws shadow the hedgehog" forever. i have other things i create and enjoy beyond what i show on socials, but i struggle to finish and share those things because of. all the shit i just mentioned 💀 but people online have always been overwhelmingly kind to me despite the general flaws of social media, which has been a huge help in learning i need to confront my insecurities. i honestly don't know if i'll ever be able to express how much that means to me.

there's a lot that inspires me and lights my desire to create again, but the only thing that can truly bring me out of burnout hell is me and my art. thankfully, i'm starting to remember why i do this: i want to make cool shit!! i don't want to care about whether it sucks or not, there's so much stuff i have left to say!! and when i make stuff that resonates with people, i love to see that i managed to connect with them despite being complete strangers!!! i don't have anything to prove and i certainly don't create to be praised, i make stuff because my art is entirely unique to me. and because shit's fun!!!!

not much else i have to say here, just kinda wanted to get some of my thoughts out where people could see them. idk what i'll be making next, but it might be stuff in a different direction. ty guys <3 good night tristate area

#these aren't all the thoughts i have about this subject but they ARE the ones i'd like to share on a public platform #alright that's enough of a look into my personal psyche for now. shoo get outta here #ferntext

[blueskittlesart]

i think you should be allowed to complain about whatever you want forever (and as someone who has been absolutely dying a thousand deaths over the currently planned live action how to train your dragon movie i completely understand this flavor of anguish)

sure sometimes positivity can be good, but sometimes u gotta start eating the walls and yelling to the sky about your misery (it’s cathartic <3). i am so very sorry you are joining the “bad live action movie made purely for money that has no shot of capturing what i love about this media” club, and i hope that at some point in the future it will be able to hurt at least a little less

it's like. idk. like i know that im at best a niche internet microcelebrity but it does kind of feel like im at the point where im being held to a weirdly high standard for. posts on a dying blogging website. like as far as i'm concerned i've never marketed this as an overtly positive space. i complain constantly. i've built this blog around media analysis and critical reads of the things i enjoy, whether those reads are positive or negative. but it's gotten to the point where any time i post an even minimally divisive opinion i get someone who is angry that i even dared to have an opinion at all. i've been very open on this blog about what these games mean to me and how much of my life is tied up in them. I became an artist in part because of my love for them. they have driven the success of my career over the past 5 years. I don't think it's unreasonable for me to be disappointed when something like this happens even if it's "just a game" or "just a movie" especially when my entire brand of content is posting about the game in question. i feel sort of insane. like, you all understand that i'm a person, right? that when i post things they come from my real human brain with real human thoughts and emotions? That i'm not curating my thoughts and opinions for you to consume? I'm just posting. i have a big audience but i am still just posting. and no one understands more than me how insane it is that i'm saying all this in response to posts on my legend of zelda fan blog. but like. i need you all to understand that you can't just tell people to not feel something that they are feeling and expect them to react positively to that, no matter what the context is.

anyways none of this is directed at you the asker im just using you as a vessel lmao but thank you for your support. i am nothing if not a hater and i will continue to be a hater until the end of time god bless 🙏🙏🙏

#all of this to say that the usual rules still apply. if you can't handle my content then leave and don't bother me about it #asks

[hotwaterandmilk]

I'm still not well so this isn't going to be articulate, but I wanted to say something anyway.

In the wake of Grease: Rise of the Pink Ladies (amongst other titles) being purged from streaming I've seen countless posts saying "This is terrible, we need to stop this practice -- they might purge a good show next!" and yeah, for sure a lot of titles being impacted by streaming purges/lack of physical media/a decline in archiving right now aren't going to be remembered for changing the world.

However, I think it is vital that we fight to preserve these titles for their own sake not just because "What if next time it's something we actually like?!" There is value is preserving things widely regarded as "bad" not just because I have firm beliefs about the absurdity of taste, but because who gives a shit if something is deemed "good?" Actual human people put their time and energy into realising these artistic visions. Even if the results are arguably not "good" or "popular", should the efforts of these artists be lost to the sands of time? No, no they fucking shouldn't.

I share a lot of art on this blog from titles very few people consider culturally important or valuabe. However, I don't look at the things I collect & share like that. Even some of the most objectively absurd titles I own are still pieces of art that were developed, published, and consumed by humans in the real world. Whether they've turned out to be broadly memorable or not is irrelevant because they existed and that in itself makes them worthy of preservation so that others can choose to familiarise themselves with them long after the original creative team is gone.

So yes, we should all be trying to preserve the media that's important to us and not let corporations try to stamp out every trace of a financial (though not necessarily artistic) misstep. However, it shouldn't take the threat of something we, personally, like being taken away to stir us into giving a shit.

Even the demise of less admired works should concern us and make us start to burn copies of Grease: Rise of the Pink Ladies because it might not mean anything to you or I right now, but to some kid in 20 years it could be a seminal experience that leads them to follow their dreams. Or it could become a cult classic that people reflect on at watch parties years in the future. Or it could continue to be a footnote in the history of television that nobody really cares about.

Ultimately I don't think it matters what level of value we arbitrarily assign to media now or in the future, we should be trying to preserve as much of it as possible so that generations from now people can enjoy the option of engaging with these titles should they so wish.

#personal #idk i just feel strongly that even trash should be allowed to exist #and all of us be able to access it if we so choose #some of the most meaningful film experiences of my life have involved B movies and other “low” culture properties #i'm not well enough to even start rambling about high and low culture and the rich #but as an audience we should be able to select what we want to consume #and we should be able to access it regardless of local laws or cultural norms #that's why the efforts of archivists and media preservationists from the lost media wiki to the louvre are so important #“but this spongebob ad had no impact on society who cares if it is accessible or not?” #you can't determine the value of something based solely on your own experience with it #so yeah spongebob ads and episodes of wheel of fortune should continue to exist #and so should the trashiest shoujo manga in the world #god and i haven't even touched on how disproportionately things like this affect work by artists of colour #queer artists and disabled artists #it's super fucking shit and i refuse to let streaming take away these media choices #ok back to my covid sick bed

[loaflovesdoodling]

Okay, kind of a serious post here. Uh. I'm. Going to apologize beforehand for all the whining.

No, I am not leaving Tumblr just yet; it is my home and my first social media platform after Youtube. But I think I need to make it pretty clear here; my work is not reaching about anyone that I haven't already interacted with. And it is. Rather degrading to my own mental state, which is why I have been nearly non productive at all, not drawing, not posting, not finishing what I start, et cetera.

I've been using Instagram more, and the engagement there is so much better. Likes actually help content spread, and I've noticed most people do take the time to even leave little comments and share on their stories and all kinds of gestures that contribute to the artist themselves.

I may, just may, maybe, make another, completely art-focused and anonymous signature 'Loaf' account on Instagram and begin sharing my art on there. I'm not sure yet.

What I am, however, completely sure of, is that with less and less interaction on Tumblr, a site which, to my knowledge at least, was specifically built on art (and more ofc), I will eventually stop posting altogether. No, this is not some form of threat, it is an act of but simple acknowledgement and recognition. I'm simply beginning to lose motivation and willpower to make art.

I want anyone who's reading this to take this as a sign, and I'm gonna be raw and honest with what I'm going to say here:

If you don't want half of this site's art community dead in the matter of just a few years, you better start actually helping. Likes, although appreciated, do absolutely nothing.

Think of it as a plant. Does admiring the buds help them bloom faster? No. Does watering and checking on the plant regularly? Yes, it does help. And you're soon going to proudly look at yet another flower you have helped grow with your support.

I refuse to believe that half of the reblogs on my posts are reblog spams from my friends, the same 3-5 people who always share my work over and over to help me. The same 3-5 people who do thrice the amount of interactions they should engage in just to make up for what the average consumer should be doing, but doesn't instead.

I don't care if you think the art is ugly, I don't care if the artist maybe isn't skilled enough to you. This is a community built on mutual help and support. If we do not support eachother, it's going to crumble apart.

I know some people are going to say things along the lines of "if you're complaining why share it in the first place". I know. I won't shut you guys up, because your point is valid. But if we make art to share, and what we intend to share does not reach the intended receiver, then it'd be basically pointless altogether. That's why we need your help.

Either way, that would be all my worries out of my system. I apologize once again.

#loaf's rambles #serious talk

[natsmagi]

I hate to be rude but do you know how to draw body fat or are you just gonna make tsumugi a stick with boobs over and over

THE "I HATE TO BE RUDE" AHAKGSQKG3KWHQJSUANSHDNGN PLEAAAAASEE ANON DONT LIE TO URSELF U KNOW DAMN WELL THIS WAS WRITTEN WITH CONDESCENDING INTENT LMAO but to answer ur question; yea i do! admittedly im not the best at it as i lack experience (i dont draw nudity very often so the opportunity barely arises) but i do have a general understanding of how its meant to look and yes i will continue drawing tsumugi as a stick with big boobs over and over! because this is the body type i headcanon her with and i think it suits her. i know boob sizes arent that deep, but a figure like hers carries a more "motherly" vibe to it (theres a reason we say "mommy milkers" n shit after all) plus it adds to her "hot klutz anime gf" energy. theres a Reason this portrayal is so common in the broad enstars community (including JP/KR/CN/etc artists too). when coming up with femstars portrayals my priority is not in giving you representation (that was never even there to begin with); it is to try and translate what made the character good in the original and keep that energy in this new version. now, sometimes adding a larger bit of diversity DOES help translate over the characters energy, and its a win-win for all! it just simply is not how i picture tsumugi in my head (but this does not mean i eat up those different portrayals of her any less!!! i think its super fun to see and she will always be absolutely gorgeous!!!!). if you disagree with my headcanon of her you quite literally do not need to consume my art. no one is forcing you to look at what i make. Pick up a pen and draw the tsumugi of your dreams yourself

and before anyone brings it up: yes!! skinny ppl can have big busts!!!! crazy, isnt it?? ud never expect it from the way yall discuss it! boob sizes are determined partially by fat, yes, but also genetics and if uve undergone pregnancy (the mommy milkers.....) so its INCREDIBLY weird to see people constantly talking about how those of us who draw tsumugi like this "dont know how women look" when yall dont even research the shit you spew. the reason "big boobs skinny waists" is something we've been fighting against in media portrayals is because there was a time where that was ALL THE PORTRAYAL OF WOMEN WE'D GET. THAT IS UNREALISTIC. women come in ALL shapes and sizes, and to dictate what women Can or Can't look like is fucking misogynistic and i cant believe you people dont realize this. i cant believe you dont realize the harm in what you say. alot of skinny people with big busts end up getting breast reduction surgery because 1. those mfs are heavy and 2. everyone sexualizes them!!!!!!! their bodies are viewed purely as something pornographic!!!!!! and no one wants that!!!!!!!! which shit like THIS (something being wrong with having big boobs) perpetuates. often times they hide their busts by wearing baggy clothes, which hides their figure and they end up looking a few sizes bigger just to avoid being viewed as an object. its sad!!!!! and now theres a new wave of people BODYSHAMING THEM??????? and for what??? because men think big boobs are hot???? why can women only exist in contrast to men???? why must women always think about how men will react to how they look or behave?????? why cant women of all body types just EXIST. why must there ALWAYS be someone we punch down at???? bodyshaming isnt suddenly cool just because youre shaming something men get off to

so, i have a question for you too! genuinely, what is wrong with drawing tsumugi like this? what is the harm? theres like 6 characters out of the 49 in enstars that i hc with big busts, so its not like im reducing women to this body type, and its queer people and women who are my target demographic. so whats wrong with it? im genuinely curious

#this is already long enough but not to mention how literally the entire male cast are shaped like stick figures too #like i hate to break it to you guys but mama? kuro? adonis? sticks. #they have notable abs but thats literally it #there is no muscle on those arms #so why is it now our responsibility as fanartists who draw for fun to give you something canon couldnt even provide? #again!! i think its LOVELY when people DO provide!!! but to act like we Have to? thats when it starts being fucking weird #ask

[beesmygod]

I saw your answer about art experiences. How do you feel things from literature? I am consistently disconnected from things I try to feel from, like I read The Glass Menagerie and it was good, even, but nothing came of it, and usually it is so much less than that.

I thought it might be something like Having A Coke With You, where the art is superceded by real human relationships — and I actually did understand Having A Coke With You for a while, and it was kind of incredible, but now I look at descriptions that resonated me not two months ago and they're just empty. I don't think having friends did that.

I just want this to be me, I want to feel things so much, especially without looking on it from a consumer's perspective (cf. rayne fisher-quam's standing on the shoulders of complex female characters), which I feel is hindering all of this. I feel like I'm missing out on one of the great experiences of life, the connection and meaning that comes from art.

I watched Greg Guevara's video on art experiences, where he said that everyone is overstimulated and spreading out their art experiences into meaningless social media bits, and I don't know how to change that. I saw a play today and I didn't understand it and I was bored, even, and it didn't change me. I needed it to change me into someone who loved it.

I read Anna Karenina in eighth grade and pushed through it and it was a comfort book and I related to Levin but I don't think I understood it, even (I don't have the book anymore). My friend – I have a bad habit of comparing myself to others, I know, but it's relevant – reads Crime and Punishment and feels things. I couldn't even get through the first part of War and Peace.

I'm sorry for the scatteredness, I write on my phone and I find it difficult to organize my thoughts here. I'm sorry for sending this to you, and I hope you feel free to delete it. Lastly, I'm sorry if you cannot answer this, if this is outside your experience.

i have a weird framing and personal philosophy about this subject that i hope does not come off as unsatisfactory to you but bear with me. i'm pretty sure i know this feeling; this is the feeling i get when i'm exposed to the wondrous, marvelous beauty of unspoiled nature. i could not give two shits about the glorious national parks of this genuinely gorgeous country despite my family dragging me all over the continental US for summer break as far as the family van would take us. i have seen some of the most spectacular sights this country can offer, from the grand canyon to the redwoods of california to the devils tower to yellowstone and so many more. and i tell you i stare at it dead-eyed like a fish. i know i should be feeling something, everyone else is. but when i see old faithful erupt all i could think about was how i could see water at home. absolutely 0 spiritual or emotional connection. even landscape paintings leave me cold. i can appreciate and understand the aesthetic value in what i'm seeing, but its like it stops at my eyes and never penetrates my brain.

but i have just accepted that there are things i simply will not be able to experience in my lifetime. this has always been the case for me being less than 5 ft tall with most things in life, but dont read that as self-pitying lore dropping. because the secret is that it's not really that big of a deal to not be able to do things. i might have 0 memories of yellowstone that aren't "insane thing that happened to us" but as an adult i can pursue things i actually do like instead of trying to force myself to FEEL something my brain isn't wired for.

maybe your relationship with reading is the same. you understand literature's grand purpose in the wide tapestry of history or whatever and have seen people have rapturous moments of artistic connection with specific books, but that experience is completely foreign to you. you can even read a book and enjoy it, like how i think the prismatic spring IS pretty fucking sick, but whatever ethereal feeling youre supposed to feel never materialize. thankfully, i promise you that its not a big deal. and now i never have to visit a national park again until i force my children to go see them because it's good for them or whatever. i can sit at home and experience art i DO get that feeling from.

anyway, in short: read things with no expectations of how you're "supposed" to feel about them and just enjoy a pretty good story. keep throwing yourself into artistic pursuits you do enjoy and feel connected to. and try new ones! you never know what will activate your brain

#long post

[avacoleman]

when the lights go out || a firstprince fic

summary: Henry Fox’s career is in crisis and his dating life isn’t faring much better either.  After a chance encounter with a charming man becomes memorable for all the wrong reasons, Henry throws himself into his next assignment: writing the memoir of a beloved C-list actor. Henry, however, knows Alex best for the role he played as his random, awkward one-night stand. Henry enters their professional partnership keen on keeping their relationship just that. But after Henry confesses that their hookup was less than spectacular, Alex concots an arrangement that Henry is unable to resist. In addition to ghostwriting Alex’s life story, Henry will teach him a thing or two about satisfying a man.  As they spend months out on the road together, they must decide if the connection between them is yet another story worth telling.

chapter 4/8 || rated e || read on ao3 *updates every tues. and fri. *

Denver, CO Rocky Mountain Expo Henry thanks the powers that be for allowing Pez to crash the tour for the next two days. And by that, he means he cannot thank Alex enough for arranging for Pez to join them at Rocky Mountain Expo in Denver. He figures it might’ve been him mentioning one too many times how much of a Crescent Valley fan Pez was that Alex perhaps took pity and worked some magic behind the scenes to get him to fly out. Whatever it is, Henry is immensely grateful. He hadn’t realized just how much he missed Pez’s presence. Certainly they’d kept up well with FaceTimes and texts over the last few weeks, but there’s nothing quite like genuine face to face connection with a person– especially when that someone is none other than Percy Okonjo. At his side now, Henry watches Pez drink it all in. The convention center, like every other stop so far, is brimming with people from all sorts of fandoms. It’s chaotic and exciting, all baselines for a guy like Pez.  Alex had left from their hotel earlier than Henry so that he could attend the scheduled fan breakfast and Henry could be available to get Pez sorted. It’s such a small thing, but it was almost as strange being apart from Alex this morning as it has been to be away from Pez these past couple of weeks. Henry hadn't realized just how dependent he’d grown on Alex’s company.

Henry’s phone buzzes in his pocket as he and Pez visit different vendors in Artist Alley where creatives sell their custom made pieces. He takes a look at the screen and sees a text from Alex.

Alex everything going well with you and pez?

Henry smiles and notes the time. There’s still thirty minutes before Alex’s panel and having the experience firsthand, he can just imagine Alex behind the scenes, keeping busy to work out his excited energy.

Henry Indeed. Would it be alright if I brought him round to meet you now? Or would after be better?

Alex now pls!

“We’re being summoned,” Henry says, pocketing his phone again. 

Pez doesn’t need any more prompting and Henry leads them through the crowds to get to the hall Alex’s panel is being held. He’s surprised but pleased to find Alex already waiting for them by a private set of doors. Henry’s heart does a funny little swoop seeing Alex standing there, greeting them with a smile.

“Alex. I wanted you to meet Pez.”

Alex beams his thousand-watt smile at Pez.

“I feel like I already know you. Henry talks about you all the time. Nothing but good things, I promise,” he says.

Pez looks more and more like the Cheshire Cat as his smile overtakes his face.

“Alex Claremont-Diaz, as I live and breathe,” Pez says in a scarily good Southern debutante accent.

“You’ll have to forgive Pez. He has consumed far too much American media from the time he was a small, impressionable child. I fear the damage cannot be undone.”

Alex laughs. “It’s paid off pretty well. That sounded authentic as hell. You could give me a run for my money.”

Pez, unshakable formidable Pez, actually giggles at the compliment.

“You’re a charmer. Go on now. Keep saying more nice things. I won’t object.”

Henry watches them go, riffing off each other as if they’ve known each other forever. It feels like Henry has entered into an alternate universe of some kind, watching his worlds collide.

“I’m sure you guys must’ve made plans, but if you’re interested, I’d love to take y’all out for dinner tonight,” Alex says.

Pez’s eyes light up. “I’m sure we could shuffle a few things around,” he says, looking at Henry for confirmation. He nods and Pez smiles.

“We’d be delighted. Dinner sounds positively lovely. Thank you,” Pez continues.

Henry turns to Alex. “We could all meet back in the hotel lobby at quarter to 7 perhaps?”

Alex nods. “Yeah, that’d be great. Things should be pretty hectic at the expo today. I’ll look into making reservations nearby afterwards."

Voices carry a bit louder from inside the hall.

"I should probably get back," Alex says. "But have fun you guys and enjoy the panel. Pez, it was really nice meeting you. I will absolutely be expecting a truckload of embarrassing stories and any overall dirt you might have on Henry, so start brainstorming now,” he says with a wink.

 Henry already rues turning them into co-conspirators.

Pez smiles and wiggles his fingers at Alex before he leaves them to head to the greenroom. The moment Alex rounds the corner, Pez does an unseemly victory dance right there in the corridor.

“How can you possibly stand being around him all day every day without wanting to jump his bones? He’s even more attractive in person. That’s just unnatural. Dare I say, it’s supernatural.”

Henry touches his hand to his forehead.

“Come on. Let’s go grab our seats. They’ll be starting shortly.”

~*~*~

The secret of his true dynamic with Alex haunts Henry like a tell-tale heart. Each time Pez mentioned Alex’s name after the panel and now back here in their hotel room, Henry feels as if he could choke on the secret.

“I’ve hit rock bottom,” he says, apropos of nothing as he and Pez watch an episode of Crescent Valley on his laptop in bed.

“Welcome! There’s plenty of room down here,” Pez says, yanking Henry to rest his head in his lap. “Come now, tell Auntie Pezza what ails you, my darling.”

Henry sighs and hits the spacebar, freezing the show. It’s a small mercy that it isn’t a scene with Alex. He’s not so sure he’d be able to get through this conversation with Alex’s face right there in front of them.

“I think I’ve made a mistake.”

Pez’s fingers scratch lightly against Henry’s scalp.

“My dear Henry, you’re a writer. I need you to put your fancy degree to good use and elaborate for me, love.”

Henry looks away, unable to maintain eye contact for what he’s about to say.

“Part of me is falling for someone that I shouldn’t. Maybe ‘falling for’ is a bit too much. I need more time to parse it, but I feel…different sometimes.”

Pez’s hand stops combing through his hair.

“Hang on now. You haven’t met anyone new recently that I know of. I mean, there’s that secret midnight hookup back in New York and of course, scrumptious Alex. The latter would be bonkers, but it can’t be the former. You never got his info.”

Henry bites back on his lower lip. Pez is so close to the mark.

“That’s not exactly true. I sort of…ran into him the next day.”

“Have you any Advil here? I swear you’re giving me a headache talking in riddles like this. You had lunch with Alex the next day and then came straight home, no?”

Pez’s eyes grow wide, realization sinking in. Henry sits up and not a moment too soon as Pez’s hands fly to his mouth and he muffles a scream.

“No! Oh, my god, wait. No. There’s just no way! You don’t mean to say…Alex is Javier?”

Henry looks down at his hands, suddenly very fascinated with them.

“Well, now, that just shattered all my illusions. Pity he wasn’t good in bed. As fit as he is…hmm.”

“He wasn’t good that first night, no. But since then…”

“Since then! ” Pez shrieks, completely scandalized. “Grab the smelling salts! Get me a lounge chair! I’m going to pass out, I swear it. This is simply too much for me to take,” he says, putting a hand over his heart.

Pez shakes his head almost cartoonishly.

“Do you mean to tell me you two have been shagging this whole time?”

“Not the whole time,” Henry says reflexively. “Look, Pez, you cannot say a word to anyone, do you understand?”

Pez’s face grows serious, all his theatrics subsiding at the drop of a hat. 

“I give you my word. You know that. I wouldn’t tell a soul.”

Henry nods. “No, I know. I’m sorry,” he says, rubbing anxiously at his temple. “I’m just…there’s so much riding on this, you know? The book, my contract. Most importantly though, he’s only out to his friends and family right now. This isn’t even my secret to tell. But, heavens, Pez, I feel like I’ve been dying keeping this in. Things are so good with us. I’ve been loving being on this tour.”

“Well, I should think so,” Pez says, smirking a little. “If I were spending my nights tangled in the sheets with none other than Alex Claremont-Diaz, I’d be having the time of my already fabulous life too.”

Henry shoves him gently.

“You’re horrible, but I’ll admit, that’s been an added bonus. But honestly? I simply like being around him. He’s clever and funny and smart and infuriating in the best ways at times…I don’t know. It’s been fun getting to know him.”

Pez’s brows furrow a bit.

“Are you sure you can handle this, Hazza? It actually does sound an awful lot like you’re falling pretty hard here. I assume you two have struck up a deal of some sort with guidelines?”

“It’s just casual. Platonic even. I’m merely giving him pointers in the bedroom and by the time I leave from the tour, that’ll be the end of that. We’ll both move on from this,” Henry says.

Pez doesn’t look entirely convinced. 

“I don’t think you can put a hard deadline on feelings. No offense, but casual has never quite been your factory setting.”

Henry shakes his head. “It’s fine. This is so unlike me. I’m only being silly now, getting swept up in the secrecy of it all.”

Pez grins. “That I can understand. This is terribly salacious. I’m eating it up with a bib and a spoon.”

Pez hums and taps his chin. “Now, let’s back it up just a taste for one moment, honey. When you say he’s improved since New York…”

Henry buries his face in his hands and groans.

“Oh, come on! You’ve got to give me something here,” Pez insists. “You’ve been sitting on an absolute treasure trove of a secret for weeks now!”

Henry looks up and takes a deep breath.

“He…takes instructions very well. He’s a rather quick and adept learner. An enthusiastic one at that.”

Pez’s smile grows even wider which Henry didn’t think was humanly possible.

“I’d absolutely hate you if I didn’t love you so much. I’m dying. Good on you though.”

Henry laughs at the absurdity of Pez’s praise.

“Anyway, I needed to tell someone before I popped, so thank you for indulging me.”

“No, no. Thank you, my dear, for this cup of delicious, piping hot tea. I’m all the more excited for dinner now, to get to know the kitten who has gotten my best friend so smitten.”

~*~*~

After an incredible dinner at one of the trendiest restaurants Henry has ever been to, Pez insists they keep the night going with drinks downtown. It’s truly a marvel to see how easily his best friend is able to be at home anywhere, even a place he’s only now visiting for the first time.

From the moment they entered the club, Pez took his place on the dancefloor like a king holding court among his subjects. He dances with perfectly good strangers, cozying up to a few of them. Henry is already wondering if he’ll have to arrange to sleep elsewhere tonight.

He shakes his head to himself as he reaches for his drink where he and Alex sit in a corner booth, away from the crowd but with a perfect view to see it all.

“You told Pez about us,” Alex says out of the blue, a statement not a question.

Henry bites nervously on his bottom lip, stunned. He thinks back to dinner. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. He actually thought Pez did a good job of hiding the fact that he was in on the secret. Yet still, Alex clearly picked up on something.

“I did. I’m sorry. I promise, he wouldn’t tell anyone. Subtly may not be his strong suit,” he says, glancing over Pez with his bubblegum pink hair and flashy sequined jacket, an all-out blur on the dancefloor, “but discretion is. He knows you aren’t out. He’d never in a million years breathe a word of any of this.”

Alex nods and smiles. “If you trust him, so do I. Honestly, I’m not worried. In all fairness, I told my sister and Nora.”

Henry can’t even begin to absorb that information or the possible implications of it. It’s just enough to know that this dynamic between them felt worthwhile enough for Alex to tell the two closest people to him.

“And do they think us mad for this?”

“Actually, no. They damn near threw me a party,” Alex says, reaching for his beer and laughing to himself.  “Your fan club increased by two automatically.”

Henry lifts a brow. “Am I to assume you’re a member too?”

“Sweetheart, I’m the president. The founding member.”

Henry smiles demurely and shakes his head. 

“Once again, I must say, you do wonders for my self-esteem. Thank you.”

Alex eyes him curiously.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Of course,” Henry says. “What’s on your mind?”

“How the fuck are you single? Not that I’m actually complaining because, selfishly, there’s no way in hell we’d be able to do any of the things we’ve been doing since New York. I’m counting my lucky stars and all that jazz, but still. It’s absolutely crazy to me that you aren’t seeing anyone. I’m sure that’s a conscious choice on your part. It’s got to be. A guy like you wouldn’t have any issues finding a boyfriend if you wanted one.”

Henry rubs the back of his neck.

“I don’t know what it is. Perhaps I’m too closed off.”

“Bullshit. The night we met, you opened up to me. You were so easy to talk to. I felt like I’d always known you.”

This brings Henry up short. He’d felt that same connection with Alex too, but to hear the man echo the sentiment almost identically to how he’d thought about it is slightly disorienting.

“I think we’ve established that night was a special case. It was different with you. I was different with you than I normally am with literally every other guy I’ve pursued. I don’t know why. I just felt comfortable so it was easy, for the first time in God only knows how long to open up. It was a fluke.”

“Or fate,” Alex says. His eyes widen and he blinks twice quickly. “I’m like…I’m not trying to say we’re soulmates or anything,” he stammers. “I just mean, I don’t know. It’s rare for me too to click with someone like that. I think there’s something to be said for two people like us just happening across each other then crossing paths again the very next day. What are the odds of that?”

Henry is quiet as he mulls over Alex’s words. 

“I don’t mean to freak you out. Shit, just forget I said anything.”

Henry shakes his head.

“You didn't. I think you might actually have a point and I don’t know what to make of it.”

He searches Alex's eyes then looks away, back down to his laptop.

“Anyway, to answer your question, I suppose I’m single because it simply isn’t my time right now. I’ve never truly been lucky in that department. Our night aside, I really do have a tendency to guard myself.”

“Why?” Alex asks. “There’s so much good in there. I could see it on day one. That’s what drew me to you in the first place.”

“So it wasn’t just my dashing good looks and accent?”

Alex cocks his head to the side and gives him a look.

“I’m serious. I’ve been seeing it ever since. You’re depriving people, Henry. Most of all, yourself and I think that’s the worst part in all of this. It’d be a shame to never share that.”

Henry’s brows furrow. In a way, hadn’t he been letting Alex in this whole time? Henry realizes belatedly that maybe it didn’t count. After all, none of this was actually real. 

If only his heart knew that.

“Shall I get us another round?” he says, rising from his seat, suddenly needing to be away from this suffocating booth.

Alex runs a hand through his hair.

“Fuck. Henry, wait. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“You didn’t,” Henry says, perhaps too quickly. He tries again, setting his hand down on the table. 

“We’re good. I just…I need a moment is all. Besides, I should probably get Pez a large glass of water before he passes out.”

Alex’s knuckles touch the back of his hand. It’s so subtle and faint, any passerby wouldn’t even notice. But that small point of contact becomes the sole focus of Henry’s entire world.

“You’re sure we’re okay?” Alex asks again.

Henry stares back at him.

“Always.”

~*~*~

Columbus, OH GalaxyCon Day 1

Another week, another time zone and Henry is convinced tour life might actually be the death of him.

When they arrived in Ohio yesterday evening, Henry had felt a bit off. He ignored the feeling, not wanting anything to put a damper on the upcoming con and Alex’s excitement over it. He’d be joined again by his castmates and was looking forward to the big dinner they had planned before they were all parting ways again.

Henry liked how pumped Alex got ahead of and during cons, the way he’d light up at the prospect of seeing familiar faces in the crowds and new ones alike. Since the announcement, Henry has noticed the uptick in fervor from both Alex and fans. The last thing Henry wants to do is give Alex any cause for concern or worry.

He gets through most of the morning at GalaxyCon pretty well until close to noon when Alex’s panel is set to start.

“You okay?” Alex asks. “You look a little pale.”

“Yeah, I think all this traveling is catching up to me.”

Alex puts the back of his hand on Henry’s forehead.

“You feel warm, Henry. You must be coming down with something.”

Henry can hear the worry in Alex's voice.

“I’m fine.”

“I can literally see and feel that you aren’t.”

Henry can hear fans being let into the hall. Maybe all he needs now is just some time away to sit alone with some peace and quiet.

“If it’s alright with you, I’m going to pop back to the hotel and get some rest.”

Alex’s lips and brows are pinched with concern.

“Of course it’s okay. Do you need anything?”

Henry shakes his head. “Don’t worry about me. You have your panel to focus on. I’ll be fine.”

Alex doesn’t look convinced and Henry can see the debate he’s having with himself.

He touches Alex’s arm lightly. “I’ll check in with you later. Go have fun out there with your friends.”

Almost on cue, the rest of the cast starts to line up behind the stage. Henry watches them go past but Alex doesn’t budge.

“Go, Alex. I’ll be fine.”

Alex sighs and nods, finally accepting defeat.

“The second we’re done here though, I’m calling you.”

“Fair enough,” Henry says. “I’ll be as good as new by the time you do. You’ll see.”

~*~*~

There’s an annoying pounding sound that makes Henry’s already aching head feel worse as he opens his eyes.

“Henry, let me in,” he hears faintly.

Henry groans and rolls over in bed, instantly regretting the move. His vision feels like a dizzying kaleidoscope. He shuts his eyes again and takes a breath before looking around his room.

He doesn’t know how long he’s been knocked out, but the sun is no longer in the sky and that’s telling enough.

“Henry?” the voice calls again. There are three more quick knocks on the door. “You’re freaking me out. Open up.”

Alex. 

Henry sways as he gets to his feet. It takes a moment for the room to stop feeling like it’s spinning before he walks over to the door and opens it.

On the other side, he’s met with an anxious looking Alex who takes a deep breath of relief.

“Thank God. I was about to get hotel security.”

“I’m fine,” Henry says. 

Alex’s face is incredulous. “You look like shit which I never thought was possible. No offense,” he tacks on. “Shaan has been calling you. I’ve been calling you. I thought you’d passed out though, by the looks of things, I’m guessing that’s exactly what happened. You’re sick.”

Henry rubs at his left temple.

“I need…to sit. You…can keep talking if you want,” he says, stepping away from the door and back into the room.

Behind him, Alex scoffs and presumably comes inside. Henry hears the door close, but it feels like it’d take too much effort to turn around and confirm.

He sits on the edge of bed and wraps the covers around himself like a cocoon.

“I wanted to ask you some more stuff for the book. I just need thirty minutes more. You can go. I’ll set an alarm,” he says, fumbling around the nightstand for his phone but he soon abandons the task when he forgets what he’s searching for a moment later.

“Forget the book. Do you know what day it is?” Alex asks as he approaches his bedside.

“It’s Friday,” Henry mumbles, the comforter falling from his shoulders. 

“Okay, yeah, technically. But it’s also Opposite Day. So, I will be doing the polar opposite of everything you suggest.”

“Alex. How is that— in any way, shape, or form—different from any other day of the week for you?”

Alex grins, his nose scrunching as he does so.

“You may have lost the ability to breathe through your nose, but it’s nice to know your sass is still firmly in place.”

A wave of nausea hits Henry just then, holding him back from making another quick retort. The discomfort he feels must register on his face as Alex’s smile disappears and concern quickly takes its place instead. 

“Come on, seriously, lay down. Please let me take care of you.”

Henry’s tired body responds at once as if it’d been waiting for the command to allow him to finally give in. He settles in on his side and Alex is right there, pulling the comforter over him.

Henry’s surprised as Alex crouches beside the bed, their faces on level as he brushes damp strands from Henry’s forehead. His fingertips are soft against Henry’s skin where they lightly graze him. Alex’s eyes track the movement of his own hand, but Henry can’t look away from the other man's face, taking stock of the way his lashes cast shadows on his cheekbones and his perfect mouth parts slightly. 

“I’ll be right back,” Alex says softly. “I’m going to find the nearest pharmacy and grab a few things for you.”

“I just need to sleep it off.”

Alex scoffs. “Christ, and I thought I was stubborn. I might’ve finally found my match.”

Those words shouldn’t have the power to make Henry’s heart leap. He chalks it up to his sickness for the temporary delusion that Alex could mean anything more. They aren’t a match, even if they’ve been proving to be compatible in virtually every regard. He’s simply not the kind of person Alex actually settles down with.

It’s far too much to think about now; perhaps even when he isn’t feeling like Death warmed over wouldn’t be the best time to attempt dissecting all his complicated feelings.

“You’re the hottest nurse I’ve ever had.”

Alex winks. “If only I’d had time to get a uniform. You’ll just have to use your imagination, sweetheart.”

“A literal interpretation of a fever dream, huh?”

Alex smiles and strokes Henry’s hair again.

“Speaking of dreams, get some sleep while I’m gone.” Henry watches Alex snag his keycard from the nightstand. “I’ll let myself in when I get back. Call if anything changes while I’m out, okay?”

Henry nods, but already his brain is starting to shut down, his eyes too.

He feels a gentle hand against his cheek and what he thinks could be lips on the crown of his head for a brief moment before sleep overtakes him.

~*~*~

When he opens his eyes again, Alex’s back is to him as he sits at the front of the bed. An episode of The Golden Girls is playing on the television and Henry thinks, surely, this fever is playing tricks on his mind.

He sits up slowly and Alex turns at once just as the show breaks for advertisements.

Alex smiles and gets to his feet, going over to the table in the room. Henry sees two tote bags there that Alex begins to unload. The haul is serious, complete with cough medicine, throat lozenges, vapor rub, and even soup and orange juice.

It warms Henry’s heart to see the care that’s gone into this, but he can’t imagine this is how anyone would want to spend a Friday night.

“You’re sweet for this, Alex, thank you,” he says, sniffling a little. He clears his throat.

“You’re going to get sick if you hang around much longer though. You should probably go. I can take it from here. Honest.”

“Do I make for such poor company that you’re giving me the boot already? I’m borderline offended.”

Henry lets out a breath, the closest thing he can muster to a laugh, and gets into bed again, pulling the covers over himself.

“Of course not. I’d just feel even worse if you caught this because of me.”

Alex brings the container of soup over and sets it on the nightstand.

“I’m from Texas. We’re built strong. And besides, I always prepare for the con circuit. At this point I’ve probably got more Airborne than blood running through my veins. I’m good and I’m staying now shh, commercials are over.”

Henry shakes his head to himself as Alex focuses back on the screen and sits beside him now on top of the covers. Henry studies his profile, the sharp angles on a still soft face.

“You must be starving by now and if you aren’t, that’s all the more reason to eat. Here, try a bit of the soup.”

Alex leans over him and grabs the circular plastic container and takes the lid off. Vapors rise from it and it hits Henry then just how hungry he really is. Alex dips a spoon inside and brings it to his lips.

“I can feed myself. I’m not a baby,” Henry protests.

“No, but you’re acting like one. Now shut up and let me take care of you, dammit,” Alex grumbles.

“Your bedside manor could use a bit more work,” Henry says, but he obliges, leaning forward and taking a sip. 

Alex’s eyes look anxious as he watches him.

“Is it good? I went with chicken noodle, a tried and true classic. But if you want something else, I could always—”

“It’s perfect, thank you. You’ve done more than enough, Alex. Seriously.”

He lets Alex coddle him and finishes the soup before taking some cold medicine and orange juice. They watch more TV though Henry doesn’t really pay attention to anything on the screen. His body feels drained again and he's glad Alex had been stubborn and insisted on staying. It’d be an even more miserable scene if he were alone.

He tucks in on Alex’s side and rests his head against his chest.

“I’m really glad you're here,” Henry says after a moment. He listens to the steady drumming of Alex’s heart as the man cards his fingers through Henry’s hair, his dull nails gently scratching against his scalp. It’s enough to lull Henry; he feels himself quickly losing the battle to fatigue all over again.

“There’s no place else I’d rather be. Get some more rest, sweetheart,” he hears Alex’s voice say quietly as he begins to drift. The final word hit Henry’s ear a bit differently. It’s not as if Alex has never said it to him before, but this time, it sounded sincerely affectionate. Romantic even.

His exhaustion and delirium must be at an all-time high and working together to make him conjure up the term of endearment Alex has never uttered in that particular tone before.

~*~*~

Columbus, OH

Day 2

“You missed the cast dinner,” Henry says almost accusatorily, setting his plate of breakfast and mug of tea down on Alex’s table the next morning in the hotel's dining hall.

“Hi, sunshine. Good morning to you too. Slept well then?” Alex replies, popping a grape into his mouth.

Henry frowns as he takes a seat.

“Alex, I’m serious. I just realized you were supposed to meet up with everyone last night.”

Alex shrugs and plucks another grape from the bunch on his plate.

“And yet the world is still spinning. The sun is still shining. It’s not a big deal. I see them all the time and you needed me more. It wasn’t a hard choice to make.”

Henry feels his face warm slightly at the sentiment. 

“You didn’t have to sacrifice your night for me.”

“It wasn’t a sacrifice. I wanted to be there for you. It’s as simple as that.”

Henry pulls out a chair and sits.

“Well, thank you. I appreciated it.”

Alex smiles. “You look good today. I’m glad you’re feeling better.”

“Me too. Considering the fact that you bought up half the pharmacy, my immune system didn’t have a choice but to get itself in order. How much do I owe you?”

“And here I was thinking we finally moved past this. I’m not accepting any form of payment or payback for last night,” Alex says, spreading cream cheese on a bagel.

 Henry smiles to himself.

“You’re infuriatingly stubborn.”

“I might’ve been told that once or twice before, yes.”

Henry laughs and decides he’s better off shifting gears.

“What would you like to do today? Are any of your castmates still in town?”

Alex shakes his head.

“Nah, not for long. They had early morning flights and should be at the airport by now if they aren’t already in the skies.”

Henry bites his tongue to avoid apologizing again.

“Perhaps we could hang out then? Maybe we could get lunch or do something fun before we kiss this city goodbye too.”

Alex grabs his phone and types something into it.

“Have you ever done mini-golf before?”

Henry laughs.

“No, I can’t say that I have.”

“There's an adventure park near here. Mini-golf, go karts…you in?”

“Are you an adrenaline junkie?” Henry asks, taking a sip of his tea.

Alex eyes him for a moment.

“I’m a fan of most things that get my heart racing. Surely you must know that by now.”

Henry tries and fails not to look affected. Usually Alex saves flirtatious talk like this for their lessons, when they’re in the privacy of one of their rooms.

He figures he’s overthinking it. Anyone passing by would simply think it’s an innocuous statement. Only Henry knows the deeper meaning of his words. It excites him, having this secret hiding in plain sight.

“That makes two of us then. I’m game.”

~*~*~

They unwind after a day of adventure in Alex’s room watching Crescent Valley. Alex gives Henry behind the scenes commentary on what it was like filming on the show and he takes advantage of the insights, letting his phone rest between them as they lay side by side in bed, recording all the stories so that he can add more color to the book.

Henry creates a new voice note and puts the show on pause, switching over to his running notes document.

“Can you talk to me about your journey learning about your sexuality?” he asks. “It’s such a key part to the memoir, I’d love to hear more about that.”

Alex pulls in a breath and Henry feels a bit guilty about switching gears so suddenly. In contrast to how easy it was for Alex to share on-set anecdotes, he seems unsure of where to start now.

“It used to be a distant, vague thing in my head. The first concrete period of time I can pinpoint is freshman year. I played lacrosse in high school,” Alex says. “And I was damn good.”

Henry can picture it easily, Alex in uniform, a complete rockstar on the field. He’s patient as Alex parses his thoughts.

“I’d get super competitive with guys I thought had an edge on me. I can’t really describe it. But sometimes I’d reason, if I could beat them, they’d be impressed and I’d get on their radar. I really don’t know how to explain it,” he repeats. Henry can hear the frustration. “I guess I was seeking some kind of validation. I wanted them to notice me and not just as an athlete.”

Alex sighs.

“I’ve only genuinely hooked up with one guy other than you. I’ve gotten wasted at parties in L.A before and I’ve made out with some dudes, but it was always something I could explain away like, I was drunk or just doing a bit. Messing around, you know? But then I’d think about high school and the way one of my teammates and I would kinda orbit around each other. It wasn’t…the same with him. With Liam,” Alex sighs and Henry doesn’t miss how soft Alex’s voice gets when saying his old teammates name. 

“I didn’t get that competitive streak. It was different. More real. With him, it was like we were on equal ground.”

Alex shakes his head, toying with his fingers.

“We were good friends. We’d hang out a lot after practice or games. We kind of fell into it. I almost don’t even remember how or when I noticed it for the first time, the way we’d hold each other’s gaze a little longer than was needed. Or the way we’d make excuses to casually touch either other in almost stealthy ways. I guess it doesn’t really matter. Point is, it eventually came to a head. We’d be so hopped up on adrenaline after lacrosse most times and one day, one thing led to another and the next thing I knew, we were making out in my room.”

Henry studies Alex’s profile, sees the deep furrow of his brow as if, years later, he’s still trying to understand his actions.

“The first time it happened, I thought that’d be the only time. We were both kinda spooked by it, to be honest. After he left though, I couldn’t stop thinking about it…about how much I actually liked it and wanted it again. For fuck’s sake, I got off thinking about him and our kiss that night. That was the first time I ever got off thinking about a guy.”

Alex sighs.

“I saw him the next day at practice. At first, we kept our distance in the locker room. We went out on the field with everyone else, and played our parts well. Then he showed up at my house afterwards totally unannounced and it became a recurring thing after that. If we celebrated a win or if one of us had a shitty day at practice...we’d keep seeking each other out. It was mostly always just kissing. But every now and then, we’d touch. Nothing over the top. Hell, we’d mostly just get ourselves off together. I think I was too scared to touch him like that. It would have made what we were doing too real somehow.”

Henry listens on quietly, fully present in this moment with Alex.

“We… I chalked it up to goofing around. Just boys being boys or whatever bullshit I used to convince myself it meant nothing. Liam is actually engaged now to a pretty great guy. We’ve talked since high school, you know, about everything. I thought we were just messing around, but he told me how serious it was on his end, even back then. He’d always felt different than our classmates. He always knew this truth about himself even though he was afraid to say it out loud. He genuinely liked me as more than a friend.”

Alex frowns and collects his thoughts.

“Looking back on it, I feel like such an asshole. Liam had real feelings for me and I know now that I was attracted to him, but we were in two totally different headspaces when we were hooking up. Each time, it was reaffirming something for him. He knew fully that he was gay. For me, at the time at least, it just felt like a way of getting off and having fun. He felt like an exception to everything, an anomaly. I still went out with and hooked up with girls regularly, you know. I didn’t know what it actually meant about me that I was in fact drawn to both.”

Alex runs a hand through his hair. 

“I’m glad he and I have had the chance to talk things through. And I’ve apologized to him several times, but it hardly feels like enough. I should have been more careful. I should have seen what that really was. I never meant to hurt him.”

Henry inches forward, his heart breaking as Alex looks at him with wet eyes.

“You’ve done all you can since learning the truth. It wasn’t intentional and I’m sure he knows that. Liam isn’t upset with you, right?”

Alex shakes his head.

“No, but he’d have every reason in the world to be.”

Henry places a hand on Alex’s.

“You can’t beat yourself up over this. You’ve made amends. You were just kids back then. This isn’t easy. You’ve got to give yourself some grace.”

There’s a distant look in Alex’s eyes as he blinks his tears away.

“Yeah. Yeah, you’re right and logically, I get that. Still, I can’t fully shake it. I can’t help but to wonder what my life would have been like if only I would have realized what it meant that I kept going back to him. Because I really wanted it with him specifically, but it felt like a one-off, like no big deal, you know? If I thought a few guys were attractive, I saw it as just having eyes and being observant. It didn’t feel like some life-altering thing. But in reality? The things I was doing with Liam, the things I wanted to do with him but didn’t have the courage to say…that was a huge turning point and I totally missed it. Sometimes, it almost feels like I was robbed. But it was my own ignorance that kept me in the dark for so long.”

Alex shrugs and looks away and Henry’s heart shatters at once.

“Anyway, that’s a conversation for me and my therapist. I won’t bore you with it any further now,” Alex laughs, but Henry can hear the pain in it. 

He stops the recording. He’s asked enough of Alex tonight.

“It’s never a bore, a bother, or a burden. You can always talk to me. Even if I weren’t tasked with writing out your life’s story, I’d want to listen. I…perhaps it’s improper, but I sincerely do consider you a dear friend, Alex.”

Alex quirks a brow.

“Given the things we’ve done to each other’s bodies, I’d say friendship is the least improper territory we’ve waded into.”

This time Henry laughs as he concedes.

“You’ve got me there,” he relents. 

Alex smiles softly and reaches for Henry’s hand. 

“I appreciate it though. The offer and…you know, you in general. You’re helping me in all sorts of ways, it’s actually kind of crazy. I don’t know if I’ve even said thank you yet, for any of it. But I am grateful for everything.”

“You’re welcome. It’s nice to know I can be useful,” Henry says, aiming for levity.

But Alex’s face is serious as he shakes his head and laces their fingers.

“It’s beyond that, Henry. You’re essential to me. I don’t ever want you to forget that.”

#rwrb fic #red white and royal blue #firstprince #henry fox mountchristen windsor #alex claremont diaz #userthai #tusersonia #tuserpaige #usernicholas #usersteen #tusersilence #userjamiec #lookstevie #kimmy writes