#I wanna just cut all my hair off and go funky with colours but | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

rattusrattus3 · 4 years

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I absolutely love your style, it’s so inspiring!! Do you have any fashion tips for a queer gal who loves a mixture of punk, Faerie, and artsy aesthetics? I have trouble piecing together all the styles I like but you do it really well.

heck ye!! you are so sweet to say this thank u!!! ok i have a couple fashion posts here if u wanna check em out:

(from my FAQ)

My fashion (masterpost) (staples) (modifying clothes tips, x) (costume making tips, (x) (x)) (where i get patches and pins) (confidence tips, x) (thrifting tips x, x) (inspiration x) (skirts advice) (closet tour video from my YouTube)

here is some other tips tho for each style (i reccomend mix n match the things for a good combo of the looks :)) general tip: diy/try to mod like every peice of clothing! whether its adding rips or patches or drawing on it with sharpie or painting on it w arcrylic paint or embroidering or adding pins or buttons or glitter this will help make all ur looks cooler cause handmade/modified stuff always looks 1000% cooler than perfect condition with these styles (imo)

also i dont reccomend buying brand new clothes anymore (other than like undies and socks), i have only thrifted the majority of my clothes since i was 12 and thats how i have such a funky (imo) wardrobe, u just cant find weird funky shit at regular stores for a normal price imo, so go thrifting often and u will find some gems :)!

Punk: -dye your hair weird colours, if u cant/dont want to, buy some cheap wigs or spray in color or tease it and make it huge or shave some off! -eyeliner can look v punk imo, if ur makeup is kinda intense u automatically look punk kinda lol -materials/patterns u should look out for at the thrift store: anything w (black and white or other) stripes, checkers, anything plaid, velvet, PVC/vynil, leather/pleather, cheetah print, lace, denim jackets, doc marten or work boots, chains to put on as belts or wear as jewelery -buy iron-on spikes online and put them on ur jackets n shit -long sleeve shirt under short sleeve shirt -turn ur t shirts into crop tops -diy band patches -make a shit ton of patches by using black denim (from thriftstore jeans) and white arcrylic paint and sew the patches onto black jeans with dental floss (or thread) -take a pair of fishnet tights (dollar store), snip a hole in the crotchal area and cut off the toes, then pull it over your head and put your arms thru the legs/sleeves and now ta da u have a a fishnet shirt to layer under clothes -throw or spray bleach on ur clothes for fun looks (or use a paint brush and make intricate patterns!) -facial peircings help, if u cant/dont want to get peirced just glue some little pearl gem stickers or something like that from the dollar store to ur face with lash glue or spirit gum (and carry adhesive with u if u go out) -black or dark nail polish -denim with rips (jackets or jeans or whatever) -temporary tattoos (on face is cool too) -plaid skirts , thigh high socks, also garters -rip ur tights in a million spots and wear two pairs cause it looks spider webby and cool -cat and dog collars from the dollar store -go to a pet store and buy a tag and get it engraved with whatever anticapitalist/anti authroitarian/punk message u want (i have one tht says Grrrl power and one that has my cats names) -pigtails or deathhawks or shaved sides or shaved head or V-shaped bangs or whatever else "weird" but truly awesome hairstyle u want -safety pin as earrings/put safety pins in all ur clothese but before u put them in piercings please santiize them with alchol

Faerie: -glitter on ur face (cosmetic glitter mixed with coconut oil works well, try to get an ocean friendly one if possible, etsy has lots of options) -buy fairy wings at halloween and wear them whenever u want -pastel makeup and colors -fake freckles -floral patterns -layersss -soft, cozy, velvety, satiny, or billowy textures -fairy dust from lush is jsut. awesome. not a fashion tip i just love it (its a glitter body powder that smells like bubblegum and its pink and soft and lovely, they also have glitter bars that are great, shimmy shimmy is awesome, i cant find the other one online) -sew floppy large soft animal ears onto your sweaters -carry stuffed animals around or poking out ur bag -flowers in ur hair or in your clothes (u can get fake flowers at the thrift store often) -flower crowns -aprons -lacy things layered on u -vintage night gowns

Artsy: -tons of layers again -scrunchies -paint on ur clothes, even if its just paint splatters so u look like an Artistè (i just have clothes i paint in that are splattered but i feel like a artiste when i wear them) -mustard yellow -paint brushes/pencils in a bun is v cute imo -funky weird makeup colors

my outfits/looks

my fashion tag (not my outfits, but fashion i like)

#ask #asks #anon #fashion #fashion advice #adding this post to my faq #faq #i hope this helps!#Anonymous

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lawrencegarte · 4 years

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here’s my review of all the items in the walking dead definitive edition box! minus the statue because i am poor and could not justify buying it to myself. i wish tho. i wish i had that statue.

but yeah here are the non-statue items and my reviews of each! :)

first up is the ericson’s shirt! i got an xl and it fits me quite well, and i do like the material the shirt is made of. i feel like the grey is an odd choice though since we never saw that colour in game, and i also feel like the distressing just makes it look like i’ve put the shirt through the wash too many times. overall i wish it looked different but i do still plan on wearing it out, so it’s definitely not a complete wash!

7/10

Disgo Brogle..... i love this little dude. he’s so funny. whoever came up with disco broccoli deserved a raise instead of being fired without severance pay. the only thing that i don’t like about this guy is the frayed edging on his lapel! it bugs me a lot, specifically i think because the whole point of these products being delayed was quality assurance, and this quality was NOT assured! it’s an easy enough fix but he’s still gotta get some points deducted

8.5/10

kenny’s hat! tbh it looks a lot better than i thought it would. i can’t say too much about it because i barely got a chance to try it on before my sister seized it but she seems to like it a lot lmaooo

9/10

god i love the tiny clementine. i don’t think this picture fully captures how tiny the fourth and babiest clem really is. she’s so small. i’ve always thought this was such a weird product, and i still do! but it is nice to see her growing up through use of an interesting visual medium, and i didn’t take pic but the back of each doll has the logo from the game she’s from which i think is a nice touch. i’m a little nervous opening it tho because the outermost piece feels a little tight and i’m scared of splintering the wood, but it’s still a nice collector’s piece!

7.5/10

the last piece that was originally slated to ship is these pins! i really love the clementine, i think she’s just so cute and i like that they decided to put her in her sweater and have her hair cut short. her drawstrings are also a super cute detail! love her....

lee looks... funky. i can’t put my finger on what’s wrong exactly but i think he looks a little off. it might be those nose lines? like he’s not exactly bad, per se, but he isn’t great

clem gets a 9.5, lee gets a 7

and now we’re onto those extra goodies we were promised for the shipment delays

first is... this. whatever this is. like, it’s an enamel pin, but i think this emblem might be something from the original walking dead comics...? searching this pin brought me to a product not found screen on the skybound store so i guess it’s out of production. idk, i wanna be appreciative but i kind of wish they hadn’t included this cuz it’s just gonna take up extra space in my incredibly cluttered house lmaooo

1/10

and last but not least, it’s rosie! i do like rosie and i think this pin is very cute. i kind of wish it was a character from another season instead tho, like maybe s2 kenny, or javier. this box is very s4-centric overall, and it does make some sense seeing as this was the only season skybound actually worked on, and typically the latest season (or book or movie or album) is what a company is going to focus on merchandising, but i feel like with a “definitive edition” boxset there should be more from each season. and s3 is very glossed over both in s4 itself and this box! which i get cuz it wasn’t great, but i feel like it should still be honoured. most people i know who play twdg do like javi, at least.

but anyway rosie! she’s good!

6/10

i think for the box as a whole, i rate it a 7/10, and i think that definitely has to do with the fact that it was delayed by like... 5 months? so i had a lot of time to hype myself up and that’s never, ever a smart or good thing to do and is just begging for disappointment. but that doesn’t mean i don’t still love this box! i definitely don’t regret buying it because i am such a huge fan of the series and am just so in love with how much the team behind this box cares about their fans. it’s clear that this wasn’t cheaply put together, as evidenced by the quality control delay, and i do really appreciate the love and effort put into these items, even if i do have critiques. i’m really happy i finally received this and get to hold disco broccoli at night <3

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crossedbeams · 6 years

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ROSE REVIEWS… THE X-FILES - S1.E11 Eve

<<1.10 Fallen Angel ——————————— 1.12 Fire >>

I’m salty today and what better way than to transfer that into something positive than to finish this long overdue and almost certainly irrelevant recap of Eve. Read on for children who are almost as scary as their acting is bad, prison aesthetics and idiotic blithering by me.

THE PLOT

The fathers of creepy children are being exsanguinated on opposite coasts and Mulder wants to know the aliens have upgraded from cows. IVF suspicions run wild and with a little help from good old Deep Throat, the terrific two suspect genetic government experiments gone wrong may be responsible for the shenanigans. When the creepy kids go missing, things escalate and soda becomes a very dangerous refreshment...

Let’s go...

MY STREAM OF SEMI-CONSCIOUSNESS

Ah. The X-Files, the show that is always a scenic autumnal bath for my eyes…. And where under the leaves there is probably a dead person eaten by a molewoman or an alien. Honey? I’m home.

We find ourselves in an idyllic suburban neighbourhood, (always bad news on screen), where very concerned joggers approach an underdressed child and her stuffed animal. It’s hard at this stage to decipher whether the kid is creepy or just a really bad actor but the suspense synth hardly encourages us to give her the benefit of the doubt...

They head to the backyard, where peppy jogging neighbour fails to notice that the kid’s dad is dead coloured, posed like a corpse and basically, stereotypically and obviously dead... until he claps him jovially on the shoulder causing a tragicomic half slump of dead dad, and exposing vampiric looking marks. The kid screams, not sure why, she’s way too far away to see anything. This is the point at which I begin to suspect that she is both a bad actor AND entry #224 in the Vancouver local listing of Creepy Kids for Hire. Move over Conduit boy!

CREDITS!

This week we only wait 2.5 mins for our special baby Agents to materialise, Scully dressed as a Catholic grade schooler and Mulder wearing a tie designed, as far as I can tell, to look like mushroom soup with licorice allsorts floating in it.

Their poor fashion choices don’t seem to put them off them though, and we zigzag between lip biting (Mulder), making weird moany noises (Scully), and the level of inter office eye contact we’ve come to expect from these fluffy baby agents all set to a soundtrack of cattle mutilation chatter. And our series first (!) cow slideshow!

Scully is still naive enough to ask why Mulder believes cattle mutilation is linked to aliens. Give it a few weeks and you’ll realise that aliens is pretty much always the answer to “Why….” on the X-Files and that eyebrow is the only appropriate response before you just go with it.

I can’t wait :D

As Mulds and Sculls traverse some stairs, I realise that creepy kid #1 is called Teena. Spelled the same as Mulder’s mum. Because apparently the X-Files name bank isn’t only shallow in the male department. Also is Teena a normal spelling in the States? Here it’d only really be Tina….

I then get distracted by Scully in the biggest of purple coats. I’d love to see S1 Scully’s closet. A symphony of oversized pastels with overcoats to clash… don’t worry though hon. You’ll get some style later though for the bargain price of two (2) family members and also your ova. Poor Scully.

Scully also looks incredibly young in this scene, speaking all soft to the kid. Moments like this I struggle to believe that Mulder “never saw her as a mom” until Home. She’s all melty round the edges even though the kid is weird and creepy.

When creepy Teena starts talking about red lightning, the massively coached and unnatural pauses in dialogue and the trouble pronouncing exsanguination are just so glaring you can’t believe that this kid’s innocent charade will hold up as long as it does. But it all adds to the creep, just in time for…

**bring bring ** Scully leans in to kiss her spoopy partner tell Mulder there has been another murder. Darn. Seriously though. Close talkin to the power on uuuungghhh right here. No wonder this fandom is so thirsty.

We’re in Vancouver San Franciso, still in giant coats, for another exsanguination and what we now know is death by digitalis. Mulder says that the two estimated times of death were at the “exact same time” and I chuckle to myself like the pedant I am. Estimates cannot be exact dumdum. It also takes the edge off him mansplaining timezones to Scully. SHE IS A MEDICAL DOCTOR DAMMIT.

This scene has very nice warm, sunsetty lighting which is nice as our Spooksters demonstrate why the X-Files department is always over budget; they’ve flown cross country to do two laps of a crime scene while reading a file aloud and the kid they wanna question isn’t even in town. Where is she? I’m glad you asked, coz remember that sunny warmness? Well it’s over.

Back on the east coast, creepTeena is getting outcreeped by a thunderstorm and what appear to be disembodied footsteps at her door. We see nothing but a flash and then the door is open. It’s tense and I’m pretty sure this is never explained, raised as a concern beyond “she got abducted”?

A new day means new suits, Mulder in a tie inspired by parquet flooring and Scully in eggshell and pinstripes and a brown trenchcoat named regret. It’s a lot to process and they still don’t seem overly concerned about Teena’s kidnapping. Despite his post Samantha abduction PTSD, Mulder’s only contribution is a dramatic sky point and the suggestion the cops need to look up, but then dun dun dduuuuunh - there’s another one.

Sinister Cindy in the house. Literally.

She informs them she has lived there “since she was born eight years ago”. Zero inflection with that info and a sentence structure as unnatural as the phenomena Mulder wants to blame. Deffo a rent-a-creepykid. 100%. The woodenness only adds to it.

Commence super awkward kitchen convo where they Mulder and Scully try and fail to find a tactful way to imply Cindy might not be this grieving wife’s legitimate child. A birthing video is offered and declined. Thank god. Imagine is CHris Carter had to watch rushes of an actual woman’s vagina with a female child emerging.

Mrs Reardon’s insistence that Cindy was daddy’s girl is pretty horrifying once you know how it ends. Damn creepy kids. Listening in while watching politics, Cindy is infinitely creepier than Teena and I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not for this kid “actor”.

Back in the car and Mulder is still pretty blase about Teena’s abduction/kidnap, though I forgive him because his flippant potato/potahto is adorable and he does hang out in the bushes to try and protect Cindy from getting nabbed sending Scully off to the IVF clinic alone. Ahh... the foreshadowing is out there.

At the Luther Stapes Medical Centre, a doctor mansplains IVF to Scully. She does not punch him. Another way that she is better than me.She does however, maintain super intense eye contact with him for the entire walk and truly it is a miracle she doesn’t fall over.

The next scene is pretty uneventful except that I can honestly say that Sally Kendrick is the last human I would want toying with my cervix. She’s...robotic and it looks like she has to work out how to sit down like a human. She could give Theresa May lessons.

Back at the hotel there’s some funky camera panning that I am here for and also I think there is some dialogue but let’s be honest.... this is more important

Yes Professor I would like some extra credit and may I also just smooth your poofy hair.

Even Scully knows it. Hence her confusion at being ushered out, for no obvious reason. She just wants to look at him and maybe get inside his shirt and ... and... Mulder’s “what’s a girl” is cute.... but this is cuter. (even more overanalysing of this scene here for ya glasses lovers).

Instead of meeting a girl, Mulder meets Deep Throat in an excessively aesthetically pleasing place. Honestly, Eve is a beautiful episode. Despite the creepy kids and imprisoned women. (Eve Aesthetic here). DT seems very concerned that Scully not be invited and while I’m sure that this has some link to the possibility of spy!Scully, it reads more as jealous older manfriend wants pretty Mulder to himself. And honestly I get it. God, fic has ruined me. Anyway, enough of that, enjoy this picture of pensive waterside Mulder and try to recall the specifics of the Deep Throat reveal. Project Blah. Boys called Adam. Girls called Eve. Clones. Bad. Disaster. EVE-il is at work. ¬¬ (sorry)

Mulder has brought sunflower seeds because meeting an informant without snacks = rookie error.

The important thing to note is that Deep Throat basically sets the stage for the Super Soldier Arc and everyone forgets about it when they actually get to the super soldier arc. God, for a continuity pedant, my fave is SO problematic!

Deep Throat finishes by telling Mulder he’s scored him front row seats to what’s left of the whole fucked up thing.

Cut to the most aesthetic Institute for the criminally insane and after some hot DAMN camera angles we get panic buttons and a tromp into the deeps where they keep all the government created monsters, including Eve 6.

I just wanna take a moment away from my snark and give a huge shout out to Harriet Harris who is SO good and creepy in this episode. A lot of the Season 1 extras/bit parts are average to the extreme and honestly, Harris makes this episode. Without her eyeball biting, jerky, wild eyed delivery, this ep would be as mediocre as the creepy twin actresses.

Now we’ve got that out of the way - we find out that Eve 6 screams when the lights are on but is fine with an industrial sized flashlight being shone all up in her face. Nobody’s ever got a good look at her... except presumably the person who undoes her straitjacket so she can pee? And now Mulder and Scully.

Eve 6 is my fave Eve tbh. She’s this perfect mix of terrifying and pitiful, alludes to the telekinetic connection that the younger Eve twins later reference, and is the kind of proof of government misdeed that and older Mulder and Scully despair of, delivered while they’re way too young in their partnership to do anything about it. She tells them that Eves are into suicide, psychosis and murder, and on exiting, our baby agents still don’t suspect the kids.

(Break for actual analysis) It struck me during this scene how this case tunes into both Mulder and Scully’s demons. For Mulder, it’s the missing girls and the incarcerated Eve represents a scenario that could explain Samantha’s absence in the most horrifying ways. What if she is a locked up experiment just like Eve 6? For Scully it’s a visceral representation of her struggle between scientific duty and Christian morality. The creation of Eve 6 is an aberration against both good scientific practice AND the divine right of Good to control life and death... and yet she is also a victim who did not choose too be engineered and while Scully tries to question her, maintaining composure, this face/stress swallow really says it all.

Just to double the sucker punch we cut to Cindy asking the lord to take her soul, her mother looking on with a mournful doomladen stare before telling her daughter how special she is. Cindy is unmoved, because she is special(ly evil) and Mama Reardon leaves, bereft of her husband and unacknowledged by her kid. We get it Chris Carter. Genetic experimentation BAD, family GOOD, foreboding, CHECK.... now can we just-

Mulder Scully stakeout! There is no iced tea in the bag and when Mulder posits that the adult Eves 7 & 8 did done the murders, Scully pulls this face, and mutters without much conviction that she was beginning to suspect the girls.

GOOD CALL SCULLY

Except Mulder then says “no no and here is why” and Scully just goes with it. The whole delivery at set up of this scene feels very Season 1, by which I mean Scully vacillates wildly between submitting to Mulder’s experience and being done.with.his.shit, Mulder gets all the big lines/theories/feelings/hunches and Gillian especially (and David to a lesser degree) seem unsure how to play their nuances and dynamic. Essentially it all becomes irrelevant because CRISIS takes precedent but being the super-nerd I am, this stuff fascinates me as evidence of them still learning their characters. No way S5 Scully gives up on a plausible theory so easily, even if it makes 8-yos into suspects. If cats can be evil, these staring, soulless kids can be too.

Cue Mark Snow jangles and Cindy and her similar to Teena’s bunny rabbit run away from her terrifying wall dolls and many crucifixes towards the window where she makes terrifying eye contact with Scully’s binoculars before getting grabbed by someone who is considerate enough to announce themselves by turning on the lights?!.

Mulder will take the back! (any time Mulder. Any way ¬¬ ) and sets off with his almost convincingly held gun/torch combo while Scully takes the indoors. This is, invariably, only going to go one way.

DOWN GOES SCULLY!

Sally Kendrick/Eve? leaps through the window where Mulder confronts her by asking her which Eve she is, allowing her a chance to pull a gun, shoot at him and escape and this is why you don’t want S1 Muldo and Sculls handling your home invasion. I mean who holds their gun like this, takes out a psychopath and ends the day without a hole in them?

Fox “Thinks he can outrun a car” Mulder is who.

I love his idiot face though.

Despite the fact that Cindy didn’t struggle/scream/react to her apparent kidnap at all, Scully’s remaining focussed on the adult Eves in support of Mulder’s dismissal of her earlier theory... well I already said it but - *sigh*

After Scully briefs the police and Mulder tries to reassurea distraught Mrs Reardon that her increasingly abnormal daughter will be found we get the kind of side by side, meaningful moment that I am here for all day long. Except that the height difference is so extreme that they never actually get Scully in focus!

And Scully’s “and then what” brings us back to unsettling truth that even if the kid gets found, things aren’t looking good for her given how much murder is in her genes. Poor Mrs Reardon.

Very X-Files, through-the-motel-sign shot and we see Sally Kendrick taking Cindy into motel to meet Teena. The girls look... creepy... and Kendrick looks weirdly and simplistically happy given that she has multiple abductees, severe genetic issues and the FBI on her back. Maybe poor old Sal just wants a normal life? Unlucky girl, this is the X-Files, no happy ending for anyone EVERR. Except possibly a two-faced rapist who likes Cher but that’s for another time.

Back to Sally Kendrick who is rocking a poloneck and showing a remarkable lack of nutritional concern for someone supposedly a genius. Pretty sure 8 cartons of fries are no better for psychotic murder-kids than regular ones. She begins to explain that she was pretty hopeful that she’s evolved the murdering out of her second batch of Eves but turns out she actually made it worse! Let’s pop a check in the box for “playing into popular concerns about genetic testing” and “reasons you shouldn’t do it yourself”. She tells Cindy and Teena she’s “disappointed” that they’ve done murders ahead of the curve. They are not bothered which is unsurprising given they don’t know her/are psychopaths.

Aesthetically this scene is very pleasing and the lack of stilted kid dialogue “we just knew” vs. long sentences definitely adds to tension. As does the total lack of background music. Hearing even these fairly limited actors candidly and remorselessly admit to murder is effective. And Kendrick’s slightly desperate plea that they not think that way, that they be “better” as she designed has the double effect of showing her own Eve-y instability and her very human desire to not have made a horrible mistake in creating this terrifying she-devils.

Sorry Sal.

Genetic destiny’s a bitch

And the X-Files narrative demands that when you play god you get dead. unless you’re the CSM in which case you probably drink digitalis and kale for breakfast to aid skin regrowth. Bye bye Sally Kendrick. Thanks for the creepers.

On attending the crime scene, Mulder and Scully are midway through being told that the scene is undisturbed when they hear stuff breaking. This prompts some X-Files-Action-MagicTM and some truly outrageous faces by Gillian.

Yup

What is most disturbing on rewatching is that with the scene secured, Scully confirms death and Mulder goes to gaze out the window while the Creeper twins cower and cry on the floor. Noe we know they’re guilty AF by this point, but in the narrative DumbScull and MulderingItOver haven’t quite got there because they’ve been too busy gazing at each other so we have two children just whimpering in the corner while Scully pokes a corpse and Mulder mulders about.

Scully does eventually go and pat them. And again I say fuck you CC and anyone else who “didn’t see her as a mother”.

Mulder volunteers to chaperone the creepsters to hospital and beyond and the guy in charge kinda just goes “meh”. Pretty sure some liberties have been taken with child service procedures but hey, at least this means we’re almost at the crescendo moment. Right?

Having loaded them into the car, where their spiffy red outfits match the velour upholstery and promised they’ll talk about “what happens next” (again, is this really FBI jurisdiction? Fox Mulder counselling bereaved kids seems like a HORRIBLE plan to me) , Scully and Mulder note the girls attachment and somehow miss the horrifying expressions of murder on their creepy little faces.

Again though #aesthetic

Cue some spangly night driving music, Mulder looking all pops over a red vinyl steering wheel, Scully playing mom and the creepsters plotting murder in the back. Ver ver X-Files. They pull up to a used car lot masquerading as a rest stop and go for a group wee,Mulder makes the rookie error of a) hyping evil kids with sugar and b) letting them order a murder weapon, and as soon as Scully’s distracted, one of the creepsters, possibly Sinister Cindy creeps out to spike the drinks.

Now at this point, honestly, I’m questioning the kids narrative motives. Yes they’re murderous, but aren’t they also meant to be hyper intelligent? Amd getting marooned at a nowhere rest stop, with the corpses of two FBI agents seems SUPER dumb. Like they’re a bit small and loudly dressed to hitch a ride to Vegas and make it on the strip. What gives, creepsters?

The waitress tries to stop her plan by insisting she wait to take the soda until it’s paid for, but is way too easily placated by the kids excuse. Stick to your guns lady, you might just stop a murder.

Although apparently nobody is paying any attention because THIS ISN’T SUSPICIOUS AT ALL IS IT?

Apparently Mulder doesn’t think so, even knowing digitalis is sweet and that there is something weird afoot, he doesn’t question his super sweet diet drink or the kids totally normal and not at all weirdly resistant to drinking sugar free soda and just does this. Seriously it’s like he wants to die in agony.

Scully’s not much better, simply commenting on the “syrupy” taste. MMhmm. Bitch. You’re a medical doctor with a previously voiced suspicion. Quit sipping the murder juice.

Fortunately, after some suspenseful drawn out paying and a forgotten key excuse, Mulder FINALLY twigs when he finds some green goop on the table. Apparently murderTwin is cackhanded when she pours and Mulder, having licked the poison just to check it’s murdery enough (I just cant even) rushes outside to karate chop Scully’s drink away from her in a way so unsubtle that the creepers escape.

Which is actually great news because it gives us all the chance for a nice dark, X-Files bread and butter cat and mouse around a truckstop, cool lighting and tubey-arty stuff sequence. Which I’m here for.

Despite some pants ruining puddles, the twins are quickly apprehended except for some gun wielding truckers interfere because in this universe regular citizens can hold law enforcement at gunpoint and prevent them doing their job/identifying themselves and anyway everyone almost gets shot and the kids run off again. I should probably insert some pithy political point here about arming the kids too but I’ve been writing this review for 84 years and I don’t have the energy.

Fortunately, at this point Mulder and Scully rediscover some investigative nous and having flashed an ID and truckboy, they trick Sinister and Creepy into thinking they’ve sped off after a school bus. Mulder goes full on child catcher and nabs them with a “gotcha” and is finally deaf to their “we’re just little girls” plea.

I’d like to take a second to flag up his response “that’s the last thing you are” because he’s wrong too. They are little girls, as well as psychopaths, and everyone’s insistence that they must be one thing or another is a device for narrative obfuscation as old as the bible. The appearance of beauty/youth/innocence is not mutually exclusive of the presence of malign intent or evil. Just ask Henry James/Oscar Wilde. Or me. I literally wrote a dissertation on this so. Yeah. They can be little girls and killers Mulder. Don’t be reductive.

But I guess we do need the simplicity of “this kid is evil” otherwise Mrs Reardon ripping her daughter out of a picture and burning it would be more conflicting and we’re only on season 1.

Likewise the disturbing concept of two eight year olds in a secure prison. I mean yes thy’re creepy but - duh duh dunnnnh - rescue is at hand! Eve 8 shows up for them and once again thy “just knew”. This is the kind of X-Files ending I love. This is the kidn of story I would have loved the revivals to pick up. Imagine (recast) grown Cindy and Teena, off doing murdery clone stuff. Yep. Okay. I’m done now. This is the end.

Except the score. Which is...

A solid “C” Grade (26/50)

Plot 6/10 - It’s entertaining and a good idea but I penalised it because it depends on Mulder and Scully being super slow on the uptake. That said, they do actually solve the case.

Mulder 6/10 - Mulder is in charge (thanks S1) and presents a mess of grieving brother, heroic car catcher and good cop. Good, in character stuff but not exceptional.

Scully 4/10 - Scully seems to forget she’d an MD and a badass here. She lets Mulder talk her out of (correct) suspicions, gets taken down in the action scene and generally second fiddles. She’s a cute mom but not the Scully we want to see.

USP 3/5 - This was an ambitious idea, beautifully presented, and while it didn’t quite get the polish to make it iconic it is memorable, creepy and a good representation of S1 bread and butter eps.

Other Characters 5/10 - These points are all for Harriet Harris. None for you creeper twins. None for you.

Bonus points 2/10 - One for being aesthetically pleasing. One for the dorky, cute, feeling out Mulder/Scully moments (motel urnghh) and also their mom and pop act at the rest stop.

That’s all for now folks. I’ll probably have the next one done this decade. Fire. Goodie.

<< 1.10 Fallen Angel ——————————— 1.12 Fire >>

#The X-Files #msr #Eve #txf #txf:1x11 #txf eve #txf s1 #rose reviews #rosereviewstxf #txf recaps #silliness #my gifs #RoseReviewTXF

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thrillridesz · 3 years

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ok ma'am,,, what spiritual things do u practise for u to get this perfectly, what kind of sorcery is this huh I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR A VIBE READING ??!??

well,,,, i don't know how you look so i can't really say if light colours would suit you, but if you want to change something up, i think red works really well with dark brown ! purple too, but i think toned red, more like,,, maroonish is a safe bet. i would say purple & dark blue works better with black hair ! although my personal favourites are vibrant/light colours with black (and blonde with dark brown !!) , i think it looks very funky ! but if you don't want it to be that noticeable, then dark colours are the way to go :D and if you have long hair then if you don't like your ends, then you can just cut those off (as they're gonna be ruined by bleach if you're gonna use it anyway) and you're gonna end up with another change - short hair ! i think it would be fun, but of course,,,, it all depends on how you feel about it <3 but me being me, i would say go for it so you don't regret not doing it later on in your life

oh my, your bosses really sound like nice people. i've heard of some horrible employers so i'm happy you don't have to deal with them (⌒▽⌒)☆

ahhh i'm not really... learning a language as it's for my polish classes & that's my native language ;-; but we started watching pan tadeusz in class and i plan on finishing it since it's not that bad actually (and the main lead has such good outfits i'm literally just admiring them throughout the whole movie 🤩). still need to reread the book for september as well as many others heh :) but it was relatively enjoyable so i'm not really worried about that

oh? have you learnt many languages? which ones did you like learning the most?

so sorry for the late reply! i haven't really come on here in the past few days.

i honestly don't know lmao i just read a lot of astrology stuff and watch an ungodly number of tarot reading videos. i think it kind of influenced me to like to read people in a way?

hmmm im thinking about it. i just don't want to dye it a certain colour then regret it you know? i wear a lot of black and darker colours so maybe bright colours aren't really my thing. i might just leave it for the time being, not to rock the boat too much.

they are! they're strict and detailed but they don't make you feel like shit for messing up. they're pretty nice too so it makes you wanna try your best for them.

ahhh i see! maybe i should check it out, i have a lot of time on my hands right now. also need to learn how to fashion lol my fashion sense is pretty much nonexistent ^^"

hmmm not really? i know basic french (like introduction, directions, how to tell time) but im interested in learning cantonese, japanese and korean! wbu?

#lovely moots #juniesgf #angie 🧜‍♀

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sapphire-scorpion · 6 years

Text

A Noble Steed || a seungcheol x joshua fanfic

Merry Christmas @cheolshu from your secret santa!! Here’s some cheolsoo as your Christmas gift and I really hope that you like it!! :")

here’s the song I quoted in the fic

“Well, I guess we’re stuck together for the time being,” Joshua chuckled.

Seungcheol grimaced. Lifting his gaze to the waiting line, their group of monkey friends wouldn’t be out until at least 2 hours later. Honestly, however, he’d rather spend 2 hours outside staring at the passers-by than puking his insides out. He didn’t regret his decision. “High speed turbulent roller coasters that include sudden and dramatic acceleration, climbing, lifting and dropping”? Seungcheol shuddered. No thank you. Hel tugged one hand out of his pocket to lightly wave at his friends inside.

“Stay safe,” he shouted, then watched as his friends bounce to join the crawl.

Seungcheol pursed his lips and scuffled his sneakers against the pavewalk. So, it was now just him and Joshua…

He still remembers their first meeting – Seungcheol a freshman, shy yet eager and wandering through the humongous doors of his college. Joshua had been the resident “kind senior” then, and he always had flocks of girls surrounding him wherever he went. It had always baffled Seungcheol, his popularity, given that Joshua hadn’t been the student council president or some jock who spent his life in the court and all, so Seungcheol had only kept this distance to watch him from afar - that was until their social circles merged just recently.

Thinking about it, however, Joshua was undeniably attractive. He had soft wisps of caramel hair that swept past his ear and caressed his jaw, crystal clear eyes that were brown yet tinged with a gentle shade of gold, and chubby cheeks already carving itself into the sharp edges that made him so graceful, so ethereal. Seungcheol remembered looking down at himself and sighing. Lanky build, eyes too puffy for his own good, and hair that was too frizzy especially obvious with that blonde bowl cut he was sporting. Glad that all those were history now that puberty kicked in. Despite that, as he glanced nervously towards Joshua’s direction again, Seungcheol still scowled. How was he going to spend two hours with the Untouchable God Joshua in a theme park alone - nevertheless even with Christmas lights twinkling in the fiery red skies of dusk, couples canoodling on the streets, and jingle bells jingling throughout the park alongside the chime of the children’s laughter? Seungcheol sighed. He hadn’t prepared himself for this.

On the other hand, Joshua curled his lips into a smile.

“So,” Joshua started, “Seungcheol?”

Seungcheol whipped his head up. Joshua chuckled again.

“You wanna just go to the meet-up place early?” he asked, and Seungcheol couldn’t help but to stare on with wide eyes as Joshua tugged the ends of his lips into that goddamn charming smile again. He sighed. This was going to be a long 2 hours.

Shrugging, Seungcheol let out a few nervous laughs and rubbed his nape. “Yeah, I think that’s cool!” Joshua hummed. Gaze flitting, Seungcheol then gestured towards the exit albeit a little wildly, grinning to mask his bewilderment. Again, Joshua merely nodded in acknowledgment, then moved to walk beside Seungcheol with a gentle smile.

Seungcheol was not prepared for this.

Repeat, he was not prepared for this.

To have just the both of them strolling on the now deserted streets at almost sundown? Nope. To have his phone run out of credit so he had no social media to distract him from this awkwardness? Double nope. For both of them to be such awkward conversationalists? Triple nope. Seungcheol was keeping track – as of now, the only lines that have been exchanged between them ranged between “Sure is a nice day for a hanging out”, “Would you like some candy”, and “Do you think aliens are real”. He shook his head in despair. Mumbling under his breath, Seungcheol threw his head back desperately as he sped up his footsteps. The faster he exited the theme park, the faster he’ll get to the coffee shop and get free Wi-Fi, and the faster he’ll be able to use that as a distraction from this sticky situation and Joshua’s pretty face.

The one thing Seungcheol was prepared for, then, was the sudden rain. It was the dry season – if it was going to rain this late into the day, furthermore, this rain was going to come fast. Hard. Already sticking a hand deep into his backpack at the first droplet of rain on his arm, he fumbled around for an umbrella as he chanced a glance at Joshua.

“Joshua?” Seungcheol waved a hand in front of Joshua’s dazed face. “Are you okay?” he asked, then finally yanking his umbrella out of his backpack with a huge satisfied grin and a loud “ah-ha!”.

Joshua snapped out his daze. “I, uh,” he stammered, looking around helplessly, “I realised that I left my umbrella at home.”

Seungcheol paused. “Do you–” he gestured wildly– “are you–” he continued, pursing his lips as he frantically searched Joshua’s eyes– “perhaps you could share my umbrella…?” he trailed off, raising the umbrella in suggestion and flashing a weak smile.

Joshua stared at him. “Can I?”

“Of course you can!” Seungcheol replied, his face splitting into a grin. He then hurried to open the umbrella to shield them both, though the mini portable umbrella could barely shield them both from the increasingly intense rainfall.

Under the small, grey umbrella, Joshua and Seungcheol were huddled close together in the streets, listening on silently as “Jingle Bells” repeatedly chimed through the theme park. Under the small, grey umbrella, Seungcheol stared on as raindrops clung onto Joshua’s eyelashes. Under the small, grey umbrella, Joshua stared on as Seungcheol’s lashes fluttered in the light of the Christmas street lights overhead, casting a shadow down onto his dimpled cheek and light smile.

If the quiet walk down the streets at sundown earlier was “weirdly pink and intimate”, this silent walk punctuated by the heavy downpour would be a burst of violent colours on the previously blank canvas of their blooming relationship.

But the rain was getting progressively harder, and soon Seungcheol suggested that they made a run for the exit.

“3, 2, 1 – go!” he shouted, throwing a hand over Joshua’s shoulder to pull him in closer under the umbrella as they took off. The winds were howling, trees rustling violently, and Joshua would be shy about Seungcheol action if their umbrella didn’t give up on them in that instant and flipped inside out.

Seungcheol gasped as he lifted his head. “Oh, shucks!”

“Here!” Joshua yelled, yanking Seungcheol into the nearest indoor attraction. Rain-ridden, hair ruffled and hopelessly flustered – in what seemed like a theatre about to host a live show.

After a while, the thick red velvet curtains soon drew back to reveal a screen. The many questions they both had were soon answered.

“Now, would you all just put your hands together-” the entering host squealed, “for our resident stallion- “cue the crowd hollering- “Shrek’s noble steed, one so honoured to be gracing our Knight Club tonight, Donkey!”

The crowd went wild, and the theatre was soon plunged into darkness.

Seungcheol and Joshua shared an amused glance. Shrek?

Wo! I feel good!

Joshua smirked, then started bobbing his head to the funky beat.

I knew that I would now

Closing his eyes, Seungcheol snapped his fingers along.

I feel good

They looked over at each other.

I knew that I would now

They both shared a knowing glance.

“So good,” Seungcheol grinned cheesily.

“So good,” Joshua shot finger guns at Seungcheol.

“I got you,” chorused them both with the saxophone riff.

Wo! I feel nice, like sugar and spice I feel nice, like sugar and spice

Seungcheol stole a glance in Joshua’s direction. He raised an eyebrow in amusement. Joshua was clearly feeling the beat, closing his eyes to groove along.

When I hold you in my arms I know that I can do no wrong And when I hold you in my arms My love won’t do you no harm

They were both enjoying themselves.

So nice, so nice, I got you

“Come on everybody stand up!” squealed the host. Joshua bobbed his head along to the beat, getting onto his feet.

“This saxophone solo is sick, yo,” he grinned, mirroring Seungcheol’s expression. Mischief glinting in his eyes, the edges of his mouth upturned, Joshua was clapping along enthusiastically, infecting Seungcheol with his groove.

When I hold you in my arms I know that I can do no wrong And when I hold you in my arms My love won’t do you no harm

“And I feel nice!” Seungcheol screeched along, bending over.

like sugar and spice

“Like sugar and spice!” He echoed.

I feel nice, like sugar and spice So nice, so nice, I got you

Dash. In a flash, Seungcheol leapt out of his seat past Joshua into the spotlight.

When I hold you in my arms I know that I can’t do no wrong And when I hold you in my arms My love can’t do me no harm

Joshua’s jaw fell at how Seungcheol took over the attention seamlessly.

“Shake shake, shake, shake your hips,” he hollered, “flail your arms, yeah!”

Wo! I feel nice, like sugar and spice

“Disco dance!” Joshua yelled.

I feel nice, like sugar and spice

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!”

“So nice, so nice, I got you~” The whole crowd sang along.

“Yeah!” the whole crowd cheered as the song came to an end.

Seungcheol’s cheeks coloured a deep red once he came back to his senses. Embarrassed, the blush crept until his neck, and Joshua laughed at the cute sight. Grinning widely, Seungcheol covered his face with both his hands and wobbled his way back to Joshua, stepping out of the spotlight.

Not that Donkey let him.

“Why, young man, what’s your name?” Donkey smirked, the host ushering Seungcheol back into the spotlight.

“Seungcheol,” he mumbled, shyly fumbling with the microphone.

“Seungcheol, huh,” Donkey chuckled, “Nice moves. Curious though, who’s that gentleman right beside you?”

Seungcheol stole a glance in Joshua’s direction. “His name is Joshua,” he answered, his lips involuntarily tugging into a smile.

“He seemed to be enjoying himself an awful much during your performance!” Donkey commented. Seungcheol rubbed his nape shyly.

“And your relationship with him?” Donkey wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. “Boyfriends? Husbands?”

“No! No, no, we’re just friends,” Seungcheol blurted out, crinkling his eyes as his cheeky grin grew further, and felt the red on his cheeks darkening.

“Just boyfriends? Not husbands?” Donkey gasped. “Unbelievable! Why, then,” Donkey smirked.

“I’m going to marry you in front of the whole crowd tonight!”

Seungcheol gaped in disbelief. Marry? Joshua? His eyes widened comically. Shocked, he then chanced a glance at Joshua, who was also stunned wide-eyed. His eyes fluttered around the room nervously, his Adam apple bobbing up and down, and he darted out his tongue a few times to wet his suddenly chapped lips.

Donkey interrupted all possible trains of thought. “Now, now, Kosh? Josh? Whatever. The gentleman over there with the sleek cross piercing on his helix that I can’t stop staring at, get down on one knee!”

Seungcheol was so sure Joshua was going to just laugh it off. Wasn’t that supposed to be the normal reaction? For people put in this situation to just continue refusing and laughing until the host couldn’t push them to do it anymore?

Then can someone explain why Joshua was getting down on one knee in front of him right now?

Seungcheol’s eyes couldn’t possibly widen any further. His heart was hammering in his chest, his long eyelashes fluttering rapidly, and he couldn’t stop the wide grin splitting across his face. Joshua, however, suddenly looked calm – nonchalant even – as compared to his previous apprehension. Seungcheol couldn’t comprehend neither this unexpected situation, nor what he was feeling.

“Now, let’s start with Joshua,” Donkey coughed.

“Joshua,” Donkey started, as the whole crowd held their breaths, “do you take Seungcheol here,” Donkey cleared his throat, “as your husband to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse-” Donkey paused, thinking- “as long as he stops bringing you to embarrassing shows like this one?”

The crowd burst out into laughter. However, as Seungcheol looked down at the kneeling Joshua with an amused expression, Joshua stared right into Seungcheol’s eyes with fervour.

“I do,” Joshua said, his voice as firm as ever.

The crowd gasped. Donkey smirked triumphantly.

“Seungcheol,” he then turned towards him, “do you take Joshua here as your husband, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, for richer, for poorer, as long as he gives you full control over his finances?”

The crowd giggled at this again. This time around, Joshua’s intense gaze was in turn laced with one of mild amusement, and proceeded to whip out a 10-dollar bill to offer it to Seungcheol. Pleasantly entertained, Seungcheol giggled a little at Joshua’s sense of humour, covering his mouth with his fist shyly.

“Maybe?” Seungcheol answered, then took a breath to calm his overjoyed self just to end up bursting into giggles again.

The crowd whooped in excitement. Seungcheol’s eyes crinkled into a puffy slit, Joshua’s creased into crescents, and their laughter joined those of the crowd cheering them on, congratulating them. Bashful, the both of them then sported matching blushes as they soon sat back down and continued watching as Donkey teased another child. Occasionally, Seungcheol caught Joshua stealing glances in his direction, and Joshua felt an intense gaze boring into the left side of his face at times. On the outside, they both looked fairly relaxed, looking as if they put that proposal behind them already, but only they themselves knew that that was going to be a memory that would cross their minds ever so often.

It was never spoken of ever again, however. Not even to their friends, as soon as they got out of the roller coaster and started gushing over the adrenaline rush they felt and how much Joshua and Seungcheol missed just by opting out of the ride.

And although they didn’t look at each other in that moment, they simultaneously shared a smile and didn’t comment on that statement. From then on, they were both closer friends, but it was really as if that proposal hadn’t happened and that they just had perfectly normal bonding time during the two hours they were left alone together.

Until a few years later.

“Hey, since you’re technically my husband now, wanna actually go on a date?”

They were in the train commuting back home, and Joshua was staring at the Christmas lights zooming past the train window when lolled his head to the side to look at Seungcheol.

Lazily curling his lips up into a smile, Joshua chuckled. “Hey, doesn’t this remind you of that time I proposed to you in the theme park?”

Seungcheol grinned cheekily. “What, these lights?” he asked, turning his head around to stare at the street decorations outside. He nodded, agreeing. “It does, actually,” Seungcheol said, turning back around to cast a fond gaze at Joshua. “And to think that the both of us got this far along still amazes me,” Seungcheol laughed.

“Still can’t believe you actually whipped out 10 dollars in front of everyone though,” he added. Joshua burst into a fit of hearty laughter.

“Well,” Joshua wiggled his eyebrows playfully, “at least we followed that 10-dollar bill up with this,” he beamed, flashing the engagement ring in the train’s compartment light as the both of them shared a knowing look. Unconsciously, the both of them then crinkled their eyes in joy as they stared down at their occupied fingers. Damn.

The train whirred past sceneries. Eyes sparkling, Seungcheol then nudged Joshua gently.

“Come here,” he purred, spreading his arms out as wide as he could in the jam-packed train. Joshua hummed. Spreading his arms open too, Joshua then wound his arms around Seungcheol tightly, burying his face into Seungcheol’s neck and inhaling his scent of pine wood and maple leaves. He sighed contently.

“I guess you could say that I scored myself a noble steed then,” Seungcheol murmured, nuzzling his face into Joshua’s soft chestnut hair. 10 years have passed, but he’s still the same Joshua as before. Exactly this hair colour, this laugh, this smile, this pair of eyes. Seungcheol pulled back a little, grinning at Joshua. Holding each other’s gazes, they were oblivious to anything and everything around them, and that was the most beautiful thing in the world – having each other as the only apple of their eyes and nothing else.

When I hold you in my arms I know that I can’t do no wrong And when I hold you in my arms My love can’t do me no harm

End.

#seventeen secret santa #seventeen #seungcheol #scoups #s.coups #joshua #jisoo #seungcheol fics #seventeen fics #cheolsoo #joshua fics #seventeen fluff #joshua fluff #seungcheol fluff #sss #svtsecretsanta

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alexanderwrites · 7 years

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Hack Job: Why Were Hacker Movies Ever A Thing?

Lately i’ve been thinking about that weird and almost completely failed subgenre of movie that attempted to light up the LCD screens of our hearts, but instead faded like a broken computer screen: the hacker film. Now, I could ask what good the sub-genre has ever done for us, but the answer to that is clear and just a few inches above this block of text. The genre birthed this iconic Matthew Lillard role from the movie Hackers, in which he plays a (wait for it!) hacker named...erm...Cereal Killer. Because....he likes Cereal? Sure, lets go with that! He’s a character described by June Diane Raphael on an episode of the podcast How Did This Get Made? as “Disgusting”, and she is not completely wrong. He is disgusting, bizarre and the strangest character Lillard has played, and i’m including Shaggy in the live action Scooby Doo films. He’s a character that must be experienced, and once experienced, never forgotten. I mean - you’ve seen what he fucking looks like.

But my point remains: outside of Cereal Killer (I am bolding his name because he is an Important Man), the genre has offered up very little to the world. I admittedly know nothing at all about hacking, and I don’t care at all about Hacking, like, i’d presume, 90% of people currently residing here on earth. But I cannot imagine that people who love Hacking (or Hacker Fuckers, if you will) queuing up to see Hackers, a film that thinks this is what the internet looks like:

Now, i’m no city-slickin’ mouse-clickin’ hacker, but I don’t think that’s what the internet looks like. I could be wrong, and character actor Fisher Stevens (I was about to write “beloved” character actor, but then I remembered Short Circuit) could be skating through a flashing pillar of internet right now. It’s a cool thought! Hackers came along in 1995, when future optimism was higher than it had been in years, as everyone believed the tech-bubble would never burst (spoiler alert: it did!) and that the new millennium would bring a world of positive changes and possibilities. The poor, innocent souls of 1995 could never have possibly imagined the true horrors waiting for them on the other side of the millennium...

But before Fred Durst became a thing in a hat that you had to look at, technology was booming, affordable and exciting. You got transparent Macs that allowed you to see through into the mechanical nonsense inside it. The new fangled e-mail gave us (I don’t know why i’m saying “us”. I was 3 years old in 1995. Babies don’t get emails) all the opportunity to open your email and then close it again as many times as you liked! So this is what producers saw when they started making movies like Hackers. They put their strongest marketing minds together and came up with “People got computers now. Make comPUTER FILM!”. Those wild bastards actually went and did it! And weirdly, Hackers was kinda ahead of its time. It might’ve been wildly inaccurate in almost every possible way, but it paved the way for a wave of (well, like 3) films. The Matrix wouldn’t be released for another 4 years, and Swordfish a further 2. If it did incite a trend, it was the only trend started by Director Iain Softley, his later film K-Pax tragically failing to kick start a new genre of films in which Kevin Spacey eats bananas with their skins still on.

Good stuff! Hackers does feel like a film that is unsure of whether it’s trying to replicate fads or start them off. I mean, characters rollerblade everywhere for no apparent reason in the film. That might be something Hackers do? I’ve never seen Mr Robot, so I cannot categorically say that Rami Malek doesn’t rollerblade his way around town like a Starlight Express extra who really hates computers. But I doubt it. So with the rollerblading, and the way....ugh...Cereal Killer dresses, it seems like the film is offering you up its own funky ideas that you could follow on from if you want to get murdered on the streets. Did its aesthetic style have influence? Was the game Jet Set Radio from 2000 and its rollerblading theme influenced at all by Hackers? Did Eminem see Johnny Lee Miller’s bleached blonde hair in the film (quick deeply important side note: his character is named Dade. DADE.) and think “huh. that would really compliment my insufferable personality!”? We’ll never know. The film is a weird exercise in style and trends, and the soundtrack, crammed with The Prodidgy and Underworld, is proof that at least the soundtrack department had its finger on the pulse. And, it could be argued that the film’s costume department at least came up with some creative cyber-punk clothing, and were bold enough to make Penn Jillette look like this:

The thing is, I liked the weirdness of it all, I like this misfires in capturing modern life, and inaccuracy doesn’t bother me really if a film is fun enough. I’m not a stickler for realism. I didn’t sit down to Face/Off and complain that it’s totally unbelievable that John Travolta is a human person. That’s not the issue. The issue, really is that with all the giant screen Playstations, pounding trance tracks and references to Coca Cola (weird, I thought Mountain Dew would be the Hacker’s choice), the film is in troubled water because of the fact that Hacking is unbelievably, deeply fucking boring. It is not interesting in seeing someone go clickety clack on a keyboard and make occasional faces to indicate that “oh no! the mainframe is busting my chops!” or “Huzzah! I clicked the mouse really fast just now!”.

Thankfully, the film has some fairly decent editing which intersperses the clickety-clacking with some long exposure, sped up shots of New York City just in case you forgot it was the 90′s. The fact that they need to cut away to exciting, zooming shots that have nothing to do with anything highlights the fact that the Director and Editor knew exactly what i’m talking about: HACKING IS FUCKING BORING (if you’re a hacker reading this, please don’t hack me). And they’ve built an entire film around it! A whole nonsensical plot which involves (as far as i can remember) big ships and evil corporations that want to sink the big ships is built on Hacking. Thank god this film is so wildly ridiculous, which keeps it from being entirely boring. It’s smart in that it knows to not make the film actually about hacking, but then you kind of ask yourself the question: why is this film about Hacking at all? Why is it called Hackers? Maybe a better name would’ve been ‘Bladin’ Teenz’, as an ode to their endless rollerblading. It’s a fun film, but a dumb film and proof that films entirely about hacking cannot really work.

The Matrix was a wise film. Exploiting that hip, late-90s techno excitement that everyone was buzzing over, it featured a hacker at its centre who really doesn’t do much hacking at all. In fact, Morpheus might as well have said “You Hack? Dude fucking grow up. Come on, i’ll make you a treat”. Sure, you’ve got the iconic green gibberish that turns up on the computers and would inspire a million shitty screensavers, but again the hacking is intercut with other action going on in the film. You have characters typing away and yelling shit like “I’m nearly in!” or “i’m not nearly in!” or “I am unsure of whether I am, in fact, in, nearly in, or not nearly in!”. But that is manageable and minimal, and in the end there’s so much more to remember about The Matrix that I don’t think anyone, when asked what it’s about, would say “Oh it’s about Keanu Reeves hacking on his dell”. It understood this caveat, and created its own style which would influence every single music video ever produced over the next 5 years.

These are screenshots from the video for Don’t Wanna Let You Go by 5ive, a very bad UK Boy-band that had 4 singers and 1 rapper, all of whom it’s safe to assume have passed away.

The Matrix had the style, and the smarts to sidestep bland hacking scenes. You know what film doesn’t understand that hacking is boring? Fucking Swordfish.

Fucking Swordfish. A film so aesthetically ugly and repulsive in every way that it does the unthinkable and makes you hate Hugh Jackman. But it commits the biggest sin of all by giving John Travolta a teeny tiny beard - a decision which we still feel the fallout from today, whenever a new red carpet photo arrises of John’s new chin abomination.

Looking like a cup of concentrated Michael Bay piss, the film leans heavily into stylishness - or lack thereof. Hugh Jackman is basically...sigh...DADE in the movie, and Travolta is regularly outfitted with funny sunglasses. It borrows a lot from Hackers, but while that had a naive, 1995 goofy charm, Swordfish is an aggressively stupid and oblivious movie, that gives us a LOT of Hacking. Like...so much Hacking. The Most Hacking. Oh, The Fucking Hacking. Its a reminder of just how boring Hackers or The Matrix could’ve been if they’d fallen into the wrong hands, and a big, horribly colour-corrected reminder that films about hacking really aren’t the best. Instead of cutaways of cityscapes, Swordfish tries to build the tension during one hacking scene in the grossest way possible: by having Hugh Jackman’s character receive forced fellatio while he works, and while John Travolta smiles. It doesn’t make a boring scene exciting, it makes a boring scene fucking disgusting (the movie’s grossness doesn’t stop there. Halle Berry was heavily pushed into taking her top off in the movie, and promised extra money if she did it.). The Hackers method of randomised cutaways feels a million miles away during these scenes, and you will be willing to pay any earthly sum to make the scene unfolding in front of you stop. Maybe that’s how hackers should make their money from here on in: stop hacking, and just start blackmailing people by forcing them to watch Swordfish. Fucking Swordfish.

The movie was also a bit of a death knell for a subgenre that never really took off. People realised “Oh, this is dull and crap to watch!” when it came to hacking, and technology moved on rapidly that there was a lot more to do with it than watch some guy slapping the keys of his iMac. I find it a really interesting subgenre to look back at, because i’m a huge fan of outdated technologies, fashion styles, turn of the millennium culture, and really quite poor films (besides The Matrix which holds up nicely). Hollywood has tried to make a manner of subjects interesting. Stock markets. Fishing. White people who buy zoos. Some work, some don’t, and it’s all about the way the subject is handled. Because of their reliance on technology, these hacking films feel so dated that maybe Hollywood doesn’t want to risk dipping its toes back into the cyberwaters again. I kind of hope they don’t, because I would literally rather never see a film again than have to even know that a film about Anonymous is being made. I don’t want an ‘edgy’ modern movie that’s made for Banksy to watch while he plunges his hands down his pants and goes to town. I want silly old Cereal Killer and towers of nonsense computer language dammit! I want rollerblading, coke-drinking cyberpunks! Oh well. Whatever happens to the genre, at the very least, we’ll always have Dade and The Gang....

#hackers #johnny lee miller #matthew lillard #the matrix #swordfish #technology #film trends #film

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