sansanfan4ever - Tumblr blog

sansanfan4ever · 6 years

Text

Random 4a.m. thought:

Life is going to throw you lemons. There is no ‘maybe’ to it.

You can choose to eat them raw, or you can make lemonaid.

But what if you don’t like lemonaid? Or lemons? Or any sour/bitter thing? What if you can’t handle sour/bitter things?

I know that I for one can’t handle sour/bitter things. I become incredibly depressed and sometimes even suicidal when life pelts me with lemons… as it’s been doing lately.

I’ve struggled for decades with Bi-polar disorder. Life’s lemons may as well be made of semi-enriched uranium l for how utterly devestated they can leave me. I sometimes spend months so deeply depressed that I rarely leave my room. I sleep 12-16 hours a day. I eat three or four times in a week, if I’m lucky… I don’t feel hunger… And hygene? What is that? How you’re supposed to greet Gene Simmons?

I completely fail as a human being for months at a time.

But this time… this time is different. I… just… I realized, I can make lemonaid, and give it to those folks that I know need it. I don’t have to drink it. I can give it away. I can find someone worse off than me and shower them with all that sugary lemony goodness, and take joy from having improved someone else’s life… especially when I need someone to do that for me.

So, I did that.

From January '18 through the end of March '18 I was highly active on this site (Tumblr). I spoke to a lot of wonderful people, some of whom I quickly began to think of as friends. I’d be on here all day, everyday… literally writing a 90k+ Reylo fanfic between conversations with sometimes 3 or 4 people at once. I loved every second of it. I thrived on it… but my homelife suffered and then came to a crashing halt just after easter.

It’s been tough, and I’m not gonna lie, I spent two weeks as a human embodiment of depressed failure. But finally I dragged myself out of bed. Stinky and greasey and in the same clothes I’d been wearing for god-knows-how-long I pulled my hair into a tight, grease slicked bun and slapped on some deoderant and went to check on my neighbor who had been involved in an auto accident. I didn’t know many details, but I did know that she had lost her mother in the wreck and her brother/best-friend-for-life was still in the hospital… almost two weeks after the crash.

While I was there, listening to her pouring her heart out about her family time slipped by… hours in fact. I noticed that she hadn’t been checked on once during that time. Not once. She had a broken foot, 5 staples in her head and chest contusions from slamming into the front seat (she was in the back, no seatbelt on).

She was highly unsteady on her crutches, to say the least… and under the influence of fully sanctioned opioid (sp?) Pain killers. She NEEDED help. She NEEDED someone to take care of her… her nephew and his gf were living in a camper in the driveway. They came in a couple times a day to cook (…usually in the wee hours of the morning…) or to shower/do laundry. My neighbor isn’t a night owl. She’s up by 8 a.m. when she sleeps in.

So, I stepped up. I got right up and fixed her something to eat, cleaned the kitchen and straightened the livingroom. She thanked me tearfully and I could feel how much that simple little bit of care had meant to her, and it felt good to me. So I came back. And again and again… everyday. I cleaned the whole house, did all the laundry, cooked or fetched whatever she wanted and it actually seemed to help her come out from under the dark cloud of depression and begin to move through the grieving process. I was helping her… and it felt good.

Her brother was finally released from the hospital and he came home with two surgically reconstructed lower legs as well as a dislocated rib and closed head injury… not to mention a ton of survivor’s guilt… he was the driver. His mom died.

He needed types of care that I could not provide. I am not physically capable of lifting this guy or shifting him around. But what I could do, I did. Food, drinks, snacks, another pillow, shift his leg pillows for comfort… get his nephew to come help him out with stuff that I couldn’t do…

I was dog tired and sore by the time I’d hobble home at night, leading my 95% asleep (because I had to wake him up to move him) 8 year old son by the hand. I worked my butt off for 12-16 hours a day for almost a month… My body began to hate me, especially my bad ankle and bum knee… but it felt good. I was helping.

A few days after the brother came home he began making the necessary calls to his insurance, medicab, etc etc. He was quickly overwhelmed and asked me to talk on his behalf to a lot of these people. I did what I could.

Well, his insurance co. Had to speak to his sister, to her they offered a lump sum of cash plus medical expenses. She accepted.

She starts talking about giving me money. I don’t want her money. That’s not why I was there. Money had nothing at all to do with me doing what I was doing. It felt good to help someone who needed it. That’s why I was there. That’s the only reason I was there.

My life had fallen apart, it was complete shit… but that was ok, I was helping, and it felt good. That was the only thing I truly needed… to feel like I could still contribute, I wasn’t just a useless waste of space who had failed AGAIN.

I wish I could tell you that life is all bunny-slippers and rainbows now, but that’s just not true…

Once the word 'money’ entered into the wind the camper-dwelling girlfriend began to agressively try to shove me away from helping… not by stepping up to do for her boyfriend’s aunt & uncle but by bitching me out over absolutely everything I was doing.

*me cooking dinner at 11 p.m after her saying at 6p.m. that she was gonna start dinner soon, her: I swear the god! *bitchy flounce* Why do you keep doing stuff I say I’m going to do?

*me mopping the floor on day 10 of her “I’m gonna sweep and mop in here just as soon as I get back from-” insert place, her: I said I’m gonna do that! You need to seriously stop doing the shit I say I’m going to do! *bitchy, slightly threatening posturing.*

And on and on… then came bill day…

Gf: We aint payin half the bills when SHE’S here everyday using electric and water and doing laundry everyday and taking showers and eating here for free.

I’d had 2 showers in three weeks there… I’d also bought $250 (a month’s worth for me and my son) in groceries for them by that point… and the laundry I washed was all theirs minus one load of mine…

She even bitched about having “two dinners” everday because aunt n uncle like to eat before 8 p.m. and gf and nephew like to eat at 2 or 3 a.m. …even though I made plenty for them too… they just refused to eat it.

I gritted my teeth and plugged on… most of the good feeling of helping sucked out of my soul by gf’s treatment.

Finally, aunt’s son gets out of jail and comes to help…. or so his mom said… the second night home he walks down the block and ODs on heroin. I was the one on the phone with 911. So, now I’m cleaning up after and cooking for 7 people… two invalids, one child(mine), and three able-bodied adults, one of which is chewing on my ass like it’s made of beef jerky, one who may as well not be there and one that damn near killed himself via OD the day after I met him and then proved to be *shockingly* of very little use in helping to care for his injured relatives.

Finally it got to be too much negativity… The joy was gone, depression settled back in, I went for shorter and shorter times, did less and less…basically weened them off of me… until finally I just stopped going down there.

So, making lemonaid for other people turned out like so much else in life… bittersweet.

But I highly recommend it… it is worth doing, no matter the outcome, because it’ll remind you of what YOU are worth.

9 notes · View notes

sansanfan4ever · 6 years

Text

How does the Hound feel about Sansa Stark? Does he love her?

What do we know of The Hound?

He is full of hate.

He thinks the sweetest thing is killing.

He’s rude, brutal, ferocious, and unkind.

He views people in general as meat. “and I’m the butcher.”

He knows, without doubt that everyone is a liar, only out for themselves.

He is still heavily traumatized from his brother’s brutality.

He drinks too much.

He’s scarey as hell. On purpose usually.

He is disillusioned, jaded, cynical.

He knows his job inside and out, and is very good at it.

Ok, thats alot to know about someone whos head we’ve never been inside of.

Does he love Sansa?

Well, he definitely treats her way better than he does everyone else. He’s still brutally honest, but he does temper it for her. (He doesn’t for Arya.)

He gave her a pet name. Not a nickname, a pet name. One that leaves no doubt that he does not view her as meer lying meat but rather as a pretty little bird, with a head full of songs/fairy tales, in a sea of scheming meat and monsterous killers.

All but once Sansa describes his physical handling of her as gentle to some degree… Does he seem like he’s typically gentle to you?

He told her his deepest darkest secret, it seemed like he didn’t want to but couldn’t stop himself.

He touches her everytime she’s within arms reach. (Doesn’t touch other people except as absolutely necessary.)

He seems to forget himself around her… Often… Though most of that is taken out of the show…

Here’s some examples from the book :

In the book he did not get Joffrey to safety then rescue Sansa from rapists during the riot… He abandoned the royals entirely, leaving them to Boros and Meryn and the gold cloaks to save, and immediately cut a path to her side where he chopped a guy’s arm off to prevent her from being dragged off her horse…

He also abandoned his beloved Stranger (His stallion.) to the crowd until she was safe.

He drunk-stalks her. Seriously. He cornered her on the steps and creeped pretty much everyone out talking about how grown up she is, how tall and pretty… He mentions her breasts… He’s stumbling drunk at the time.

He went, drunk off his ass, to her room and waited around for her to show up the night he abandoned King’s Landing, knowing it would be life or death if he got caught, to convince her to leave with him.

While there he obviously came very very close to kissing her just before he got really pissed at her reaction to that and threw her down on the bed.

(And presumably climbed in with her, looming over her… how else could she reach up, with a dagger pressed to her throat, and cup his face?)

(Ok, why get so mad at someone for not wanting you to kiss them? I’m pretty sure he’s had women not want him to kiss them before.)

Sex was definitely on his mind when he had her flat on her back in her bed. But he didn’t harm her in any way. Didn’t even touch her (other than the tip of his dagger at her throat.) that she noticed.

He demanded her to sing him the LOVE SONG of Florian and Jonquil while holding a dagger to her throat.

He litterally choked up and cried when she sang him “The Mother’s Hymn.” A song about mercy. Mercy for him, not mercy from him. Then she reached up and cupped his scarred cheek. (That’s something I bet no woman has ever done.) She touched his heart by doing that. He wept, said her name (Well, his name for her really.) very raggedly, climbed off the bed, ripped off his white cloak, threw it on the floor at her feet and left immediately.

Does this sound anything like The Hound described at the top of this post?

From his later statement: ‘I should have fucked her bloody and tore her heart out before leaving her for that dwarf.’ -While making a deathbed confession to try to provoke her sister into killing him.

Why concern himself with her heart if he doesn’t care about/want her heart?

People only give deathbed confessions of things they are ashamed of. I.E. He is ashamed of wanting to have sex with her so much that in a drunken/traumatized state he likely considered (momentarily) forcing her.

(That’s not the thinking of a would be rapist… Rape is about power and violation and humiliation… Rapists are NOT ashamed of wanting to rape someone. It isn’t the physical feeling that gets a rapist off, it’s the power trip. So sex is the operative word here. Not Rape.)

He didn’t touch her because he doesn’t actually want to ‘fuck’ her… He wants her to participate willingly, like in the pretty little love SONG(s) in her head.

I.E. He wants to make a love SONG with her. He’s just unfamiliar with that urge… no doubt he has no idea what to do about it and probably would never admit to such a romantic feeling, even to himself. He would consider such feelings as weakness.

Does he love her? Yes, but more to the point, he’s in love with her.

#sansan feels #sansan fic #sansan fanfiction #sansa stark #sansan #sandor clegane #sansa x sandor

333 notes · View notes

sansanfan4ever · 6 years

Text

Got SanSan?

I think the show ruined Sansa Stark’s story arc and character.

Book Sansa starts her arc as a selfish, self-centered dreamer. She is completely obsessed with fairy-tales and convinced she is the herione of a beautiful and perfect song in the making. Everything leading up to her father’s death acts as confirmation of this belief…

She gets promised a handsome young golden prince to marry. She goes on an adventure in the company of the royal family. She gets to stay in the most prestigious castle in the world, knowing that some day soon it would be hers. She is literally living her dreams. The only thing missing is a lap full of puppies.

Sure, there are disturbing signs that it’s all an illusion, but she can dismiss those easily enough, no fairytale is without some measure of strife, after all.

She even picked out the bad guy in her story, which of course only reinforces how clever she is. Surely there could be no worse vilain than the ugly giant of a man with a scarey voice, terrifying eyes and a face half melted off by fire. He has to be the bad guy, right? For months down the King’s Road she has this concept of him. Then he brutally murdered the butcher’s boy. So that proves it. He’s the villain.

… Even if the royal executioner, Sir Illyn is scarier to look at, he stays away from her, he is respected, even admired by the prince, so he can’t be the bad guy… Plus he’s a knight.

Then the tourney comes around. Such a necessary part of any good fairytale, and so exciting! Knights everywhere! And the handsomest one gave her a red rose! It’s perfect for her tale! Joffrey even seems to have forgiven her for whatever she’d done to offend him! The day could not have been more song-worthy. All too soon it is over though, and somehow she winds up being walked home by the vilain? She’s scared and had too much wine. This can’t be good, but surely he wouldn’t hurt her. Not if the prince trusted him to walk her home. Not when it was known that he was the one meant to protect her for now. He is scarey though, and it’s dark… And it’s a long walk home…

Something unexpected happens on that walk though…

He tries to convince her that knights from songs are just lies that people tell each other… then he opens up and tells her about his scars, and in so doing he awakens a part of her that she never knew existed before. An unexplored corner of her heart that was chock full of compassion, empathy and even pity. Up to this point she had felt none of those things before.

She had no compassion, empathy or pity for her own siblings, least of all her half-brother or wild little hoyden of a sister, for them she had only contempt… She felt none of these things for the butcher’s boy… She didn’t even feel them for Bran… But…

Standing alone and vulnerable in the darkness with this scarey villain, she discovered a well of compassion so deep that she reached out to comfort him.

This is Sansa’s first step on the road to redemption. It is Sandor’s first step as well, for in her compassion he discovered a human with actual humanity. In all his life not one person had ever given him a scrap of compassion, nor any indication that they were even capable of such. This scene was incredibly important to the development of both characters… They find the first spark of their own humanity in each other. <it’s a crying shame to me that it was so mishandled by the show>

Over the next few months Sansa continues to desperately cling to her illusions (though the seeds of doubt were planted that night on the walk home), right up until Joffrey executes her father.

Sansa and Sandor are, in my mind, inextricably linked because of that walk through the darkness together, and GRRM only enhances that feeling by showcasing Sandor’s continued attempts to both protect and enlighten Sansa. Much of this is left out of the show or altered in such a way as to minimize the impact that these two had on each other’s developement, to the serious detriment of both….

And it’s all downhill from there…

They butchered the Blackwater goodbye, slaughtered the Alayne storyline, destroyed the entire Sweetrobin story and then handed her over to Ramsey… What-the-holy-f*ck were they thinking?

Don’t get me wrong I understand time constraints, but could they have seriously not stolen some time from the plethora of gratutous and unnecessary sex scenes to work on actual character and plot development? Is that really too much to ask? Honestly?

Instead of engrossing character arcs we got boobs. Instead of intricate plot-lines we got whoring instructions. Instead of awakening humanity we got men shaving each other's arm pits…

/SMH.

/rant over.

#sansan #sansa stark #sansan fanfiction #sansan fic #sansan feels #sansan fan art #sansan art #sansan festival #sansan inspo #sansan meta #sansan playlist

13 notes · View notes