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atyourmerci · 27 days

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Ethical dilemma

Therapist!ellie (read part 2 here)

CW: smut, MDNI, dom!ellie, bratsub!reader, sexual tension is fuckin palpable, blindfold, hypnosis, walked through orgasm, talks of masturbation, mutual pining but there’s laws oh no!, no y/n, no pdor

A/N: I fear this is so self-indulgent I will not be elaborating

“Highly unethical,” the auburn haired woman gives a small laugh, standing from her seat to walk you out as she always did. You’d asked about the details of the girl you see in her waiting room after you every Thursday. Dr. Williams was not privy to your sexual endeavors that came from her own hands…well her office for this manner.

She was a good therapist, best you’d ever had truly. Sure she understood all the lesbian lingo, formalities and functions that didn’t need to be gaysplaned to an unfortunate witness. But it felt as if she truly understood you, had a true knack to play out your actions before you ever thought of them. It was her job to fix your fuckups, not predict them.

She felt it, when you changed. How much thicker the air got, how she could slice it with her knife. The way your body expanded in her chair shifted, opening your chest for sight. Your gaze started to only focus on her, directed, pointed even, letting your lips open. When you started drawling out moments of your sexual endeavors down to every touch, how you tried to read her as she read you. You tried to make her crack, see any sense of appeal, to which she responded akin to a brick fucking wall.

Hell she knew your ‘new hookup’ was a sham, you were just dying to plead to her how unsatisfied ‘she’ left you. She knew the person you were, she knew you best after all, didn’t she now? You’d never stay, and she clocked it.

But she played your game, nodding along, letting you babble about all the times you had to finish yourself off afterwards.

She’d let herself have that, the pleasure of thought, the images of your panting breath, dry fingers, and cracked lips. In another life she’d agree to help you out, fix your ache. But Ellie was an ethical woman, level-headed, and morally sound, this was not her circus to corral.

She’d just remind you to focus on yourself, in whatever form that came.

‘Tell me to fuck myself’ you’d pray in your mind, begging for a mere innuendo from her, anything to use for later. You wished she’d talk you through it, and she would, in another life.

The entire time you’re rambling on she’d think of the ways she would walk you through it, praising you for how good you were doing, how beautiful you looked messy and broken down just for her. But a respected woman has limitations, rules, structures built exiling that from her will, “is there a reason you keep going back to her? Even though you don’t feel satisfied?”

“I need it,” you remark frankly, desire white hot that ate away at your skin like a bad infection.

“You need sex?” Ellie questions, her eyes forming into a squint as her head cocks. She cant seem to write this down, engulfed by your blatant admission.

“Don’t we all doctor…don’t you?” came out utterly direct, shifting your weight to your forearms that now rested on your thighs that allowed your blouse to reveal the peaks of your breasts. Maybe you were trying to intimidate her, and maybe it worked.

“This isn’t about me,” she said, but not what she thought, and you clocked it. The way her teeth drew in her bottom lip, the furrow of her brows, busying her gaze down to her blank paper. Never mustering up a reason to record your sessions, what was she to say? Lines blurring to an extent that shouldn’t allow you to still be here.

“But isn’t it?” you dart back, a grin easing up your lips, equally as maniacal as it was sensual. A pleading request for her to sink her teeth into, to rip the flesh from bone.

She should have asked you to never return, refer you to another doctor. Suddenly so aware of her surroundings, breaking herself from your delusions, “thats time, I’ll walk you out,” but she couldn’t, giving you a pitied smile, standing from her chair.

“Id like to try something new today,” Ellie says, an air of hesitancy rings through your ears.

“You going to reveal the skeletons in your closet Doctor?” You say in a teasing manner, crossing your legs in your usual spot, but Ellie remained standing.

A glimmer of a smirk forming on her lips, “have you heard of hypnotherapy?”

“First a doctor, now a magician what a pay drop,” you snide.

“Do you trust me?”

She had you lie on her couch, uncharted territory, too spacious for comfort, for rules and barriers, “now close your eyes for me,” Ellie remarks, seated on top of the coffee table, inches from the couch.

“what if I cant keep them closed, will I fuck up the juju?” you say peeping at her with one eye.

“I have a bandana-“ knowing you’ll cut in with your sexual advances she cuts off your process, “-for hypnosis, would you like that?”

You tie the black cloth around your eyes, cutting off the essential sense, suddenly so aware of your body. Feeling the tips of your fingers, the race of your heart, beating the blood to your veins.

“Tell me what you see,” the doctor pries, watching your open mouth, the way it releases at her words. The steady rise and fall of your chest, the control she had over your undirected weight.

“its just me.”

“Where are you?”

“I- I don’t know, it’s white everywhere,” Your senses so heightened, feeling the breath as it escapes your throat.

“What are you feeling,” Ellie says palming her hands, eager to break you down. The desire the scale the walls of your mind.

“Frustrated,” your breath beginning to shorten, that eery feeling creeping back into your bones.

“what else?”

“it hurts- hurts so bad” the burning to be satiated, body still yet so charged.

“Whats making it hurt?” Ellie could help, ease your killing wounds. Would she, or would she watch as you wilt like a flower in the beating sun?

“I cant fix it, it wont stop,” you pant out, sweat dripping down the valley of your chest.

“Are you touching yourself?” she leaps, walking the tight rope as a foot slips.

“yes-yes,” your mouth agape, fists balling into a white grip at your sides.

“You need to finish, don’t you?” she revels in your pain, the unstilted need.

“I need you,” you corrupt, breaking the thin layer of morals that stood between you and your desires.

“Im there with you, aren’t I always?” she taunts, voiding herself of her principles. Allowing herself to play into her horrors, you were merely a symbol of prey.

“Please-“ you breathe out, on the cusp of release at the expense of her mercy. Blood running hot as your cunt pulses untouched.

Bringing her mouth to the edge of your face, you feel her breathe through your body, breaking through your flesh.

Ever so softly, “let me satisfy you.”

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buccini555 · 6 months

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"𝐈𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐦𝐞..." — 𝐁𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬

Headcanons of how they would react to you wanting to end your relationship after they were rude or aggressive

H e a d c a n o n s

𝑭𝒕. Manjiro Sano, Sanzu Haruchiyo, Kakucho Hitto, Kokonoi Hajime, Rindou Haitani, Ran Haitani, Takeomi Akashi and Kanji Mochizuki

𝐌𝐚𝐧𝐣𝐢𝐫𝐨 𝐒𝐚𝐧𝐨

tw: threats, reference to emotional dependence(?), abandonment issues, manipulation and su!cide mention

Manjiro didn't mind taking out the anger he felt during his crises on you and he was very worried about ending up hurting you, despite that, he didn't want to and couldn't lose you, for that reason, he kept you under total control, even so, when you found the courage to put an end to that relationship, Manjiro was in disbelief that you really intended to leave him.

"No, you won't leave me, don't do this to me." He would shout at you while holding you by the arm, his words would become even more desperate, making the atmosphere increasingly tense between the two of you. "If you leave me... If you break up with me, I'll kill myself, do you fucking hear me?" Manjiro would say, squeezing your arm even tighter, once again, not caring that you was scaring you with such aggression.

"Don't leave me... Please... Don't leave me..." Letting go of you when he realized that he was already going beyond the limits, he would move away a little and remain begging more and more for your forgiveness and for you not to let him alone.

𝐒𝐚𝐧𝐳𝐮 𝐇𝐚𝐫𝐮𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐲𝐨

tw: aggressiveness, extreme abandonment issues, victimism(?), manipulation and threats

Haruchiyo ended up being rude and aggressive most of the time because he was angry about something, despite that, in a way, he tried to maintain control because he really liked you in some way, when Sanzu realized that he was losing you when he heard you talk that he wanted to end your relationship, even though it made him angry and angry with himself for not having been good enough for you, one side of him wouldn't allow you to leave.

"I know it seems like I never cared about your love or that I don't care about anyone, but I love you, if you let me... I don't know what I'm capable of." Holding your face, he would speak as sincerely as possible while holding back as much as possible so as not to end up being aggressive towards you.

"Please do not leave me alone." Sanzu would kneel before you and insistently ask for your forgiveness, he really didn't want you to leave him, he wouldn't threaten you directly, however, Haruchiyo would fear ending up doing something against you.

𝐊𝐚𝐤𝐮𝐜𝐡𝐨 𝐇𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐨

tw: changes in behavior, kakucho continuing to be a sweetheart even though he's broken inside and indifference/coldness or silent treatment(?)

Kakucho was always kind and adorable, despite this, being part of one of the most dangerous gangs made him change almost overnight, making him colder and more impatient.

"In short, is it over between us?" Interrupting your speech, he would say when he realized that that dialogue was about ending a relationship, at that very moment, Kakucho just remained without any reaction.

"I respect your choice, since you want to leave me... Well, go ahead! But know that despite everything, I won't stop loving you..." As much as his true desire was to ask you not to giving up on your relationship, Kakucho no longer made a point of insisting on someone, he wouldn't threaten you and much less be aggressive, Kakucho would just treat you with total indifference and coldness even though he still made a point of showing his side that used to be affectionate and passionate.

"Hey..." The taller one would hold your hand. "Can I give you a hug before you go...?" Kakucho would ask, trying to look away as much as possible to hide the sadness in his eyes when he realized that he had truly lost you.

𝐊𝐨𝐤𝐨𝐧𝐨𝐢 𝐇𝐚𝐣𝐢𝐦𝐞

tw: impatience, exhaustion at work, "unintentional" aggression, extreme fear of abandonment, emotional dependence

Kokonoi was affectionate most of the time, despite this, the stress coming from his "work" really affected him, making him lose his temper with you easily on most occasions.

"What did I do wrong to make you want to leave me?" He would yell at you as soon as he listened carefully to you saying that the relationship had become unsustainable. "Wasn't I enough for you? Tell me!" For the first time, Kokonoi showed aggression at that moment when he put you against the wall, holding your shoulders while he continued speaking with a raised voice, leaving you completely scared.

"I-I'm sorry, please, I'm sorry..." Realizing what he was doing, Kokonoi immediately let go of you and hugged you, he didn't want to hurt you even though he was completely losing control.

"You can't do this... If you leave me... I, I can't let you go, I can't lose you too, you're all I have that's most valuable." Hugging you even tighter, he would say, being sincere in his somewhat desperate words, Kokonoi would beg until the last moment for you to remain by his side.

𝐑𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐨𝐮 𝐇𝐚𝐢𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐢

tw: manipulation, victimism, aggression, emotional dependence(?), threats and strong words

Rindou wasn't usually rude or aggressive except when he was angry, despite that, he didn't really care about ruining your feelings every time he was stressed about something, once he realized that you were really about to leave him, Rindou definitely didn't accept your choice, quite the opposite, he really wouldn't react well to the possible breakup.

"...What the hell do you think you're talking about?" He would turn to you with a tan lookI was as scared and would even say disbelieved in his words.

"Do you really think you can leave me like I'm nothing? Do you really think I'm going to allow that? Bitch, you don't know what I'm capable of doing for you!" Holding your arm in a way he never did, he would start yelling at you without worrying if he was scaring you or anything.

"If you leave me... I won't be able to live without you and I won't forgive myself for hurting you if you go, forgive me for everything, please." Begging for your forgiveness, Rindou would threaten you indirectly, he really wouldn't allow you to leave no matter what, he would keep you by his side at any cost.

𝐑𝐚𝐧 𝐇𝐚𝐢𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐢

tw: toxic relationship, manipulation, mention of aggression, victimism, false promises, threats and mention of dependence

It was not uncommon for Ran to end up being rude or aggressive towards you, despite this, he always ends up regretting it and going back to apologize, when you threatened to break up with him, Ran simply did not accept such a choice on your part.

"You want to leave me? After everything I did for you? I thought you loved me..." Ran would say in a dramatic way like he always used to do when you guys fought, despite that, when he realized the seriousness in his words , he would immediately change at the thought of ending up losing you.

"If you dare leave me, I won't forgive myself for what I'm going to do to you!" Putting you against the wall, he would hold your neck with force to make you look at his face, Ran would say in a tone of threat and distress, looking directly into your eyes to make you feel even worse.

"Never think about leaving me again, no one will ever love you like I do..." The taller one would kiss your cheek and start to caress your face gently, Ran would keep saying that he loved you unconditionally despite his actions.

𝐓𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐨𝐦𝐢 𝐀𝐤𝐚𝐬𝐡𝐢

tw: alcohol/drugs mention, betrayal mention, strong words, petnames like "princess", aggression, victimism, threats and manipulation

Takeomi was never able to show the slightest bit of affection, only when he was drunk or drugged, most of the time, Akashi remained rude, not to mention the countless betrayals.

When you told him that you wanted to end that relationship, Takeomi simply laughed at you. "Are you kidding me? Stop talking nonsense before I lose my fucking patience with your annoying voice." He would say holding his arm, but when he realized that you really wanted to leave him, his posture would change immediately.

"I'm sorry, my love! I'll change, if you let me... Well, I won't mind punishing you, you know that, don't you, my little princess?"

Takeomi would let go of your arm and pull you into a forced hug, he would promise you that he would change to save your relationship but he would threaten you right away.

𝐊𝐚𝐧𝐣𝐢 𝐌𝐨𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐳𝐮𝐤𝐢

tw: kanji being an idiot, mention of aggression, manipulation and threats

Kanji was extremely rude to you most of the time, he rarely showed any affection, when you showed the first signs that you wanted to end your relationship, he ended up becoming even worse.

"You were the one who wanted to start this, weren't you? Now, stand by your choices." He would say as soon as he heard you asking to break up, Kanji wouldn't mind being even more aggressive with you because he was in disbelief in the fact that you wanted to leave him, at the same time that he still felt the slightest bit of feelings for you and didn't want to lose you. Mochi simply wouldn't allow you to remain in control of your own life.

"If you leave me, I won't leave you alone, so you don't want to pay to see it." He would say in a threatening tone holding your face making you look directly at him.

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peterman-spideyparker · 5 months

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Labels (Matt Murdock x fem!Reader)

Author’s Note: Hi! So, I've kinda put myself on a writing hiatus for a while and, in turn, have limited my time on Tumblr as of late. I was/still kind of am feeling uninspired in terms of writing and ideas, but this one came easily, and it needed to be written and shared before the excitement left me. I still have a million other stories and ideas I want to get going on, but for now, I hope you enjoy this one. :)

Summary: One evening when Matt tries to surprise you with a home cooked dinner date, he's stunned by something you've done for him.

Warnings: Sweet adorable fluff. No use of (Y/N), but it does refer to the reader being feminine/female-identifying

Other Characters: Karen Page

Word Count: 1,158

“Hello?” you say over the phone, very clearly distracted by whatever is in front of you.

“Hi, angel,” Matt smiles, feeling a weight off of his shoulders when he finally hears your voice when you pick up your desk phone.

“Matt.” The way you say his name lights him up inside. It’s alway so warm, so inviting, so smooth—like when butter spreads perfectly even on a piece of toast. The gentleness of each consonant and vowel that escapes your lips never fails to chip away and brush off the stress of whatever is weighing him down; from his day job to his nightly activities, you—every last bit of you, is his solace.

“I was half afraid that I’d get your answering machine,” he breathes as he leans back in his chair, listening to how you move the receiver from one ear to the other.

“I’m sorry, Matt. Today has just been hectic. Meetings, email approvals, we rearranged some furniture because no one was responding to emails—.”

“Sweetheart, you don’t need to apologize.”

“I do if it means I worried you. I mean, I must have missed calls and texts on my cell from you if you resorted to my landline.”

“No, not worried. I was just curious if you wanted to go out to dinner tonight. Maybe try that new Italian place that opened up a few blocks from your apartment.”

“I didn’t know there was a new restaurant opening.”

“Yeah,” he lies. “It’s a small place. Intimate, nice.”

“Well, I don’t know how I could say no to that. It sounds like the perfect thing to make me forget today.”

“Take deep breaths, sweetheart. You’ll get through it. I’m here for you.”

“I know,” you breathe. “Listen, I need to get back to work, but I’ll see you tonight.”

“I’ll pick you up at six.”

“Perfect. I love you, Matt.”

“Love you, too.”

You exchange soft goodbyes before hanging up the phone, Matt sliding his cell back into the pocket of his slacks.

“Hey, Karen?” he calls out.

“Yeah?” she responds, sounding as if she’s lost in thought with whatever is at hand.

“What time is it?”

She pauses. “Almost 2:30.”

“You think that you and Foggy will be okay for the rest of the day?”

“I think so.”

“Great,” he says with a smile, standing up and putting on the suit jacket that was hanging on the back of his chair. “I’m heading out. I need to get some groceries to surprise my girlfriend.”

Matt undoes the last of your door’s locks as the bag of groceries rests on his hips, relieved when the heavy piece of wood starts to swing open. For as frustrating as your day was, Matt secretly hopes that you won’t come home early and catch him in the middle of his surprise; it took him a lot longer to get everything he needed at the store, throwing off his timing. He’d be lucky if he got everything plated by the time you got home. Matt lets out a deep breath as he places the bag of groceries on the counter and takes his glasses off, centering himself to focus on the plan and not let his race against the clock shake him too much. After hanging his jacket on the hooks by the door, he rolls up his sleeves and throws his tie over his shoulder before taking out his phone, tapping at the screen until he finds the recipe he saved for tonight.

As his phone reads off the list of ingredients, he feels over what he grabbed, cursing when he notices that he’s missing garlic powder.

“She has to have some,” he hums. He knows you like to cook, always eager to try new recipes that you find while scrolling on your phone, and therefore always getting new spices and ingredients to make sure your kitchen is stocked for whatever the next interesting dish brings. Lucky for Matt, you two are always over each other’s place, craving one another’s presence, so he knows your apartment almost as well as he knows his own. Turning around to the skinny cabinet where Matt knows you keep your spices, he opens it up and prepares his nose for the strong mix of smells that are about to hit him so he can sniff out what he needs. As his hand extends into the cabinet, what he doesn’t expect to find is small bumps over each and every label. It’s odd, but familiar. Grabbing one of the spices in the front, he carefully takes it off the shelf and runs his fingers over the bumps once more.

Nutmeg.

Matt lets out a shaky breath, tears stinging at his eyes. He reaches up for container after container, running his fingers over all of the labels, finding that he’s able to read them all. By the time Matt grabs the garlic powder, the cabinet is practically empty and he’s crying in the kitchen.

“Matt?” he hears you call tentatively. He didn’t even hear you come in, and now you’re at his side, wrapping him in a hug and holding him close to soothe him. God, he loves when you hold him. Call it being touch-starved, but nothing felt better to Matt than when you have your arms around him. Sure, being in your apartment is comforting—your smell surrounding him and engulfing his senses, but nothing was better than the actual thing, your body against his, skin to skin. “Matty, is everything okay?”

“Uh, yeah,” he sniffles, holding you close and kissing your forehead. “It’s just, uh, well this.”

You pull back slightly from his hug and wipe away some of his tears before peeking down to see what’s in his hands.

“Garlic powder?” you try. “Is it bad?”

“No, no,” he smiles, wiping away some stray tears with the heel of his hand. “It’s great.”

“I thought we were going out to dinner tonight. But with all my spices out, something tells me you might have fibbed.”

“I did fib. I wanted to surprise you with dinner, especially after hearing about your day, but you’re the one that surprised me.” Taking your hand, he gently guides your fingers over the label to where the braille is.

“Oh.” Matt listens to how the blood rushes to your cheeks and how your heart rate picks up. “The label.”

“The label,” he echos softly.

“I finally found a good braille label maker that I liked,” you begin to explain. “I mean, we’re always at each other’s place. I wanted to make my home feel a little more homey for you.”

“You really love me, huh?”

He listens to how you smile from ear to ear. “So much more than you’ll ever know, Matty.”

Putting the garlic powder down, he takes your face in his hands and pulls you in for a deep kiss, your arms happily snaking around him and holding him close.

Permanent Taglist: @majesticavenger @steampowerednightvaler @themusingsofmany @just-the-hiddles @toozmanykids @dangertoozmanykids101 @clints-worldavengers @theburningbookshop @itwasthereaminuteago @peter1ismybrother@hellskitchens-whore @dpaccione @catnip987

Matt Murdock Taglist: @two-unbeatable-beaters

#matt murdock #Matt Murdock x reader #Matt Murdock x fem!reader #Matt Murdock fluff #Matt Murdock x reader fluff #Matt Murdock x fem!reader fluff #matt murdock fanfic #Matt Murdock fanfiction #daredevil #daredevil x reader #daredevil x fem!reader #daredevil fluff #daredevil x reader fluff #daredevil x fem!reader fluff #marvel #marvel fanfic #marvel fanfiction #daredevil netflix #daredevil disney+

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dizzybizz · 5 months

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hai here is a sketch dump with too many fandoms :) sorry about the ungodly amount of men here i have been going through it and by it i mean gay

ok wait i ran out of tags??? it wont let me tag them all😭😭😭 im gonna have to be sparing with them uhh i guess i will have to ramble under the cut then cus i like rambling in my tags but i cant with this one 😭

(ok im back from the ramble: it is way too long.... proceed forward if you want to see some guy just absolutely talk nonsense for entirely too long)

no cus i swear i have tried tagging more stuff than this before and never hit the limit but whatever

hello i really use this like a fkn blog huh

i just wanted to provide some thoughts on the harper and rosé one first bc its important to me 😌 cus i was thinking abt harper and how in my head and heart of hearts she would be the kid who thought you get pregnant from kissing and i dont think she ever really grew out of that belief. <- this ended up spawning the idea of harper being a sex-repulsed ace and i will die on this hill actually. fight me or die, you die either way actually nvm

this is just a buncha blorbos i dont know what to tell you really. sketch pages like these always end up so weird for me bc for some reason my brain always wants the characters in them to interact in some way. whether that be talking or just reacting to what the other is doing... its something i cant stop with, its so stupid and silly and i hate it and i love it. where else would i see kabru slowly losing his mind with how loud phoenix wright is in court????

I THOUGHT I HAD GOTTEN OFF THE RAILS WITH THAT BUT THEN THE NEXT PAGE HAPPENED. and all i could do was laugh and ask "what the fuck am i drawing??? HOW DID WE GET HERE? WHY IS THISTLE HERE WITH LEOPIKA HELP" LIKE that page started with the big leopika and then i was like "man i miss thistle lemme draw him real quick" but the curse struck and now hes being homophobic so </3

i rlly like how the nic(k) page turned out ... i just have a lot of nicks i like drawing idk.. the lil guy is an oc,,, one day his ref sheet will be finished and itll be awesome but not for now, sorry baby, no can do. im weirdly happy with how the hands turned out for all of them tho?? so thats a W

yotasuke, murai, nick (youll never know which one im referring to. .. jkjk its hoult i love the pose there ehehhe), nic and the entire last page r my favs. i like em all but those rlly get me yknow- the olly too ofc but ive already posted him, dont mind him being here, hes part of the set. AND OVER ALL IVE BEEN HAVING SO FUN WITH SHADING BLACK AND JUST LEAVING SPOTS BLANK ITS SO ?`????

WHY IS THIS SO LONG PLS DONT READ ALL THIS THIS IS STRAIGHT UP EMBARRASSING AGHSDFGSDHJSGD im all like "yeah i dont like talking about myself or whatever" but as soon as i get to my process or blorbos or smth the floodgates fucking break open, not even burst man.

also dont mind how i havent even acknowledged pingas twink pokemon counterpart. hes just here for shits and giggles i dont know the guy like at all, i watched a handful of eps of horizons and that was it RIP

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simplydnp · 2 months

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WAD: Cover Art

dan is still working on selling the distribution rights for We're All Doomed! so i decided to make some DVD/Blu-ray disc jacket art!

this is my attempt at a traditional jacket design! none of the images used are mine, but i did create the concept and design:

as i was making the first one for myself, i was struck by the fact that 'well, it's for me, so it doesn't have to look like a stereotypical jacket cover' which led me to be more artsy in my approach for the next one:

i was really enjoying the creativity and space to explore, so i went looking for more inspiration for a third design. this led me to dan's favourite Muse album: Origin of Symmetry, which i paid homage to:

after the first Muse album, i looked at their catalogue to see if there was more inspiration there. i was just thankful dan's favourite was easy stylistically to mimic, unlike say, 2009's The Resistance...

thank you @danielhowell for the inspiration!

nerdy stuff & reference pics below the cut!

General notes

i don't know how to use photoshop! i entirely brute-forced my way through the whole project, and the only tutorial i looked up was for the gradient text in the 4th cover

this wasn't even the original project i was working on! you'll eventually get to see that though

and this one also inspired art for the disc itself so stay tuned 👀

i will do anything for authenticity so these are Full of intentional details

matching fonts is a nightmare

the traditional cover

took the longest, as it was the first.

the barcode numbers are the date of the first video he uploaded on dinof, and the last tour show date (in m/d/y)

i changed 'iceland' to 'poland' on the front cover, as he never actually went to iceland, and poland wasn't ever on the list even though he did go there

the orange may look a little off-center in the front, but these designs need to include space for a spine between the front and back cover, i promise it's right 😂

the black and white cover

inspired by the 'i want to believe' aliens poster

the cover art comes from his metal band merch shirt design

i had to manually shrink the text, line by line, and ensure it all lined up on the back!

i even made the logos on the back greyscale

the Muse: Origin of Symmetry cover

a shockingly perfect style for a WAD cover. i'm so glad i used the cubes, even if they couldn't be orange.

there's some versions of the art online where the sky is even more orange and it baffles me how i haven't seen any parallels like this before

the Muse: The Resistance cover

this cover was never supposed to see the light of day! i meant it when i said i was grateful i didn't have to try to adapt this complex design... and yet, i tried anyway.

i did all the grid lines by hand, including the jagged/broken edge parts, shading each section, and then drawing every star.

the hardest part was getting the gradient on the back text to cooperate. photoshop's gradient settings are surprisingly limited

gotta shout out @amazingphil for being the reason i knew what this cover looked like--it's the only muse album i knew the art of before embarking on this quest!

obligatory sob story:

i've been extremely and suddenly ill for 6 months. it is difficult to function moment to moment, but especially in doing little things just for me. this is the first and only art project i've been able to feel inspired to not only work on, but to finish, and despite the pain and long hours, i enjoyed every minute of it. thank you, dan, for creating this space for me to explore, and thank you, everyone here, for being wonderful support during this time 💞

#it's finally here!! i hope you all love them as much as i do #dnp #c.text #dan and phil #daniel howell #phan art #hey phil look at this #we're all doomed #wad #c.art #word #heydanandphil

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minecraftbookshelf · 10 months

Text

Life Series Scarring Headcanons: Part 1

I'm going in alphabetical order by player handle, so this one is BDoubleo100, Bigbst4tz2, Ethoslab, and GoodTimesWithScar

The concept at hand is that during each game, every death leaves a scar, after the game, those are gone, replaced with scarring from their final death.

I did take some creative licence with the deaths, mostly in the sense of figuring out ways to handle Fall Damage in a slightly more RL based context, as well as figuring out approximately where final blows would fall based on the respective positioning of the players in question. (I did both a lot of video watching and also pointing at and posing myself figuring this out.)

Related to that Content Warning for general blunt but vague descriptions of varying injuries and ways to die, including but not limited to shattered bones and impaling.

Disclaimer that I did make all these diagrams in paint so they are hardly the pinnacle of artistic reference, but I think it gets the point across. Xs indicate arrow kills and i used the spray paint mode for fire/lava/explosion damage. All scars are color coded by series.

I forgot to mark it on the diagrams themselves, but light green is for scars left from the death of the Double Life soulbond partner. The soulmate who died second has phantom scars from their partners death, fainter and sometimes smaller, but still there.

Pink scars are the ones that, while not final deaths, had a significant impact on the story, the cubito, or both.

This project has also has shown some interesting patterns in how some of them tend to die.

On with the show!

BDubs

Third Life: Scar chased BDubs down and killed him with his sword before heading off with Grian to have Their Moment at the cactus ring. He turned around to fight Scar at the last minute, so the killing blow came from the front.

Last Life: BDubs was shot and killed by Grian as he fled after he betrayed the Red Pack and killed Lizzie so that Etho would give him a life.

Double Life: Pearl chased BDubs down and killed him (I believe with an axe) after Tilly died. Like in Third Life, he turned and fought at the last minute, so the killing blow came from the front.

Limited Life: Bdubs' final death was from a TNT Minecart dropped by Impulse, it landed slightly above and to the right of him, so that is where the damage is localized.

BigB

(You see what I mean about trends in the way that some of them tend to die?)

Third Life: BDubs shot him as BigB, the last surviving member of the Red Army, tried to escape from him and the Desert Duo. I placed that scar a bit lower than the others because BDubs is short.

Last Life: Cleo shot and killed him in a river. He was also poisoned from a potion she threw in the skirmish prior, so his health was very low. Reflecting that, my choice for that arrow was that it skimmed the side of his neck and he probably would have survived it had he been in better health at the time.

Double Life: Grian dropped a dripstone stalactite on Ren's head in Box, killing both Ren and BigB. His scar from this is a bit smaller and fainter than Ren's due to Ren being the one to actually receive the injury.

Limited Life: Smajor shot and killed him while he tried to escape through the woods. From what I can tell Scott came at him from the side, so I put the scar for that one reflecting it.

Etho

Believe it or not this is not the worst that it gets.

Third Life: Etho died to fire damage dealt by Impulse during the Battle of Dogwarts. I chose the location for it based of the direction the attack that initially caught him on fire came from.

Last Life: Joel killed Etho before dying himself when the later-game red lifers banded together to take out him and Grian. Etho struggled with his shield during that confrontation, which let Joel get enough hits in to kill him before being killed immediately after by Scott. I placed that injury as a glancing blow off the top rim of his shield.

Double Life: Etho and Joel died to a lava-trapped nether portal. The scars are from the lava flow. Etho died first, so his scars are a bit more prominent than Joel's.

Limited Life: Etho (like so, so many other people this season) died to fall damage. He was fighting the Mean Gills on the edge of the Bad Boy Manor and fell. The "camera angle" of the ground as he fell is pretty much how i decided where the impact probably was.

Scar

Third Life: I deviated a bit here because for everything else I really just went with "this was the final straw that broke the camels back" when picking scars, but I feel like the narrative and character significance of the Cactus Ring excuses the Death By A Thousand Cuts look. The heaviest concentration of scars from the ring are on his knuckles (from hitting), forearms (from blocking) and back and the side of his face (where he fell into the cacti).These are all small, relatively faint scars, there are just. A lot of them. EDIT: He's going to have some lasting explosion scars from the creeper Grian killed him with as soon as I have the opportunity to update the diagram.

Last Life: He was shot by Ren in a skirmish in the woods, that's genuinely all I have to say about that one, sorry. I decided it was a really good shot on Ren's part that got him right in the eye.

Double Life: So, sonic booms don't really...leave marks. They just liquidize your internal organs. I do think though that he and Grian probably have some faint mark approximating the center of their torsos. Because magic. And Lore.

Limited Life: Grian stabbed him in the back and then chased him down and killed him. The infamous "ultimate betrayal" because someone forgot that they were technically only barely endgame allies this season. Because Grian is incapable both of not killing Scar and not being dramatic about it.

Part 2

(There are five posts in this series in total, each of them will have links to the first one, as well as the one preceding and the one coming after)

#trafficblr #life series #third life smp #double life smp #last life smp #limited life smp #bdoubleo100 #bigbs4atz2 #ethoslab #goodtimeswithscar #rain rambles #life series headcanons #traffic life scars

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leeyammie · 2 months

Text

Jealousy

Warning: Minors DNI / NSFW

Masterlist

Pairing: Hyunjun Hur x Male reader

Genre: fluff, slight smut

Word Count: 1,031 words

Summary: It hasn't been long since you and your boyfriend have moved in together after him launching his solo debut. In the first few months you tried to be supportive as much as possible and have seen tremendous growth within him. Except that as his fame started to leap, you couldn't shake off the stagging feeling of others enjoying your boyfriend's charm and his latest IG post didn't make it any better.

It was finally the weekend, which meant no work, no chores, nothing. Just some good quality time that you had been looking forward to spending with your boyfriend. However, he happened to be very busy those couple of days as he was preparing for his next striking comeback.

And there you were, staring at the ceiling, waiting for him to come back, when you heard a phone notification coming your way. Thinking that it was a text from him, you rushed to check your phone, only to find out that it was indeed a notification from him, except that it was about a post that he had recently uploaded. Without giving much thought to it, you pressed on it, only to be surprised by the content of the post.

Anyone could easily tell that you weren't delighted with this view, not even the slightest.

You started thinking to yourself. "Concerts with millions of people? I let it slide. Fan meetings with everyone stealing pictures and gestures? I could swallow that. Taking part in a drama lead role with other actors? No biggie. But him posting such pictures publicly as if he isn't tied to anyone! He crossed the line! I've had it!"

Not long afterwards, you heard the door keys clinging signaling that he has finally arrived. Still upset with his behavior you didn't bother to run up to him as soon as he opened the door and rather kept your gaze fixated on the TV. Hyunjun sounded a little puzzled by your change in attitude, nevertheless, he still came up to you snuggling beside you on the couch. "Has my little baby missed me so much that he can't even tell that I'm back?"

You gave no response, not even budged as he constantly tried to get you to look at him. One thing about Hyunjun is that he wouldn't leave you in peace whenever you seem off until you talk out the reason with him. The only answer he got from you was. "Go shower already. I am not planning on sleeping in sweat myself."

He could definitely tell that he messed up big time. He not only knows you by heart but also could tell from your tone how you were feeling exactly and that cold tone of yours only signaled to him that you're extremely irritated.

As you were getting up to leave him off, he grabbed your wrist tucking you back on the couch with him over you. You gotta admit that although he uses the same tactics each time, he never fails to draw that tinted blush on your face. "I already told you wreck of sweat just go get a shower already!" you burst in rage at him

You tried to protest and free yourself, but it was of no use. I mean, let's be real, he just got back from the gym all pumped up with energy and expect yourself to win over him? "I'm not leaving until you tell me what I did wrong!" This man's determination was gonna be the end of you. He started snuggling his face within you neck sniffing it and placing gentle sweaty kisses here and there. Eventually you let your grip loose allowing him to wrap his hands around your figure. Then it didn't take you long to get back to your senses. You stormed off the couch as soon as he loosed his grip.

"You ain't fooling me this time Romeo! I may have let you take the lead on how you want to direct you career and life overall but your last post has sent me to my limit."

Him not being sure of what you were referring to, he opened his phone scrolling through his socials until he noticed the gym post that he had uploaded earlier that day. To your surprise his only reaction was him laughing at the situation.

"You really think that making me furious is that entertaining to you?!" You snapped furiously at him.

"No! This is not what I meant it as! I just found it cute the way you got furious and protective over my posts. I am sorry babe, I'll get rid of the posts and be a little more cautious of your jealousy next time~" He replied a little all over the place not wanting you to take any wrong ideas.

You approached him step by step replying with a gaze in his eyes. "You really think that it is that simple?! Hyunjun you've got to understand that what is mine remains as mine no matter what the circumstances are! You are my partner and not some random acquaintance that I share with everyone-."

He interrupted you mid-sentence grabbing you closer by your waist. You were a little taken aback but at least ceased your anger talk a little. "If I weren't yours already would you be standing here so close hearing my every breath and heartbeat?"

He really knew how to play you around with his soft gaze and playful words that you couldn't resist. He leaned in towards you stealing a soft small kiss for reassurance. Once he didn't feel you tensing up against him, he went for a deeper kiss which made you melt in between his arms. The kiss gradually started to heat up before you broke it to catch a breath.

"Promise me that you'll be more considerate of my feelings in the future and that you'd stay mine to hold." You insisted with a pout on your face.

With a grin slightly forming on his face, he kissed your forehead, replying with a positive answer. Afterwards, you were able to continue your make out session. You slowly locked your hands around his neck with your lips still sealed together.

He carried you up forcing your legs to cross around his waist as he directed you to your bedroom. He then placed you gently on the bed sheets and hoped over you. He then lifted his body getting rid of the tank top he was wearing. At least you knew that your were the only one to see his marvelous body up this close, especially being dripping with sweat.

He leaned down and whispered in your ear. "I gotta admit your furious attitude is such a turn on and I'll need your help with that issue."

You both giggled at his cocky response, yet both knew that what's reserved for both of you tonight would only be intimate love and adoration.

note: Hey! Hope you enjoyed the read. If you'd like to write about other idols or other themes where you see that my style would fit do not hesitate on sending them away! Thanks again for passing by! (I apologize in advance for any typos)

#kpop x male reader #kpop #kpop x reader #kpop smut #kpop fluff #kpop x male reader smut #kpop x male reader fluff #hyunjun hur x male reader #hyunjun hur x male reader fluff #hyunjun hur x male reader smut #hyunjun x male reader fluff #hyunjun x male reader #hyunjun x male reader smut

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thedivineflowers · 6 months

Note

hi!!! Love you works they’re so silly and good😜but sad😔 anyway I hope you’re doing well! I wanted to ask for when the boys (idk how many you’ll take but I think if you need a limited amount go with the first years😭) but yea when the boys say something plain ass bitchy and mean to middleschool!reader, like how were magic-less useless kid (looking at you Ace😡) saying some shit about our family or babying us too much till it become insufferable or smth and then when we get rightfully upset and cry or get upset (leaning on crying for more drama, angst and guilt😘) they realize how bad they fucked up and apologize, I feel like we would be a little stubborn about the apology depended on who it is to😭 but yea my goofy ahh request take your time and you can switch up the characters it’s your writing I don’t care! Love you works<333

YEHAHAHAHAHAH I LOVE THIS IDEA SM AND I LIKE DONT REALLY HAVE A LIMIT UNLESS I COULDNT REALLY THINK OF SOMETHING SO EYEYEYEY

OKAY IMA ETART IM SOMEZCIYED

I ONLY DID THE FIRST YEARS BECAUSE IT WAS GONNA TAKE SOME TIME AND I DIDNT WANT TO KEEP YOU WAITING SO HERE 😆

Ace: he’d always tease you. And during the first few weeks when he was warming up to you he’d diss you by saying that you were nothing without magic. He even referred to you as the useless and magicless kid for some time. Even after months he still referred to you as that and one day you just bursted. “Why can’t you shut up about me being magicless?! I know I’m at a disadvantage but I’m tired of it! The jokes dead now why can’t you get it!? If I could I’d just make a portal by myself to go back to my world so I don’t have to listen to you all damn day but guess what?! Im just some useless and magicless kid!!” You shouted at tears ran down your face. You stormed away and he tried running after you but you quickly maneuvered away from him. Because of his pride he didn’t apologize for days and stayed quiet when around you. One day after he was given a reality check by Deuce he apologized because guilt was really eating away at him. You still avoided him for a bit just to make sure but your friendship came back together.

Deuce: he kinda has a temper (to me he does) and he’ll let it out sometimes making him call you shit like Ace. But because he is trying to be a good student (and a good friend) he’d be very quiet if he’d call you things but you always manage to him whisper it to himself. One day you two were alone in the classroom doing detention because you two got into a fight when a guy mocked you. “Hey, Deuce.” You called him with an empty tone. “Do you really wish that I had magic. That I had someone to look after me so you didn’t have to stick around me all the time?” You asked as you eyes were glued to the table in front of you. Barely managing to answer the first question on your math homework. “I see how you look at me when I mess something up because I lack magic. I just wanna know.” You said as there was a pressure on your throat. Like you wanted to throw up and let out a yell at the same time. His answer only made the pressure worse as your breathing became short. Did he really think that it’d been better if the magic mirror didn’t pick you? That you’d only stay as the schools janitor? You quickly walked out leaving everything behind to go to the teachers bathroom that you had access to. Everyone thought the same thing about you so why were you throwing up in the sink and crying your eyes out? Because you thought of him as different? No. Deuce came to your dorm later that evening with your completed math homework and backpack. He sighed before apologizing about what he said earlier and the things he’s called you. After some talking your friendship was alright but with rockiness

Jack: At first because you were obviously magicless he’d be very overbearing to you when it comes to things like flying your broom three feet off the ground. He’d chastise you when you used simple spells by waking you up the morning and running with him. He’s trying to protect you but it seems that he underestimates what you know you can and can’t do. You’d get frustrated and try to express that you didn’t need to be babied but the words would just stay stuck in your throat because you knew that he was just trying to look after you. “I can do this Jack! You need to stop worrying about me with small things like having the damn ladle stir itself in the pot! I’m not gonna get hurt with it and I know you’re looking after me but you’re making me uneasy like I could die from just touching a book about small spells! You’ve seen me fly a broom around and be perfectly fine in Mr. Crewels class so what is it that makes you think that I need you breathing down my neck all the time?! Is it because I’m magicless and from another world? Is it because I’m still a kid?” You bubbles over and spewed at him one day while you were making yourself dinner. Jack stood there as he awkwardly looked to the side trying to find an excuse. “I-“ “Im not as fragile as you think. If I was I would’ve been dead.” He’d been contemplating how much magic you could handle and he knows you know that he’s watching over you but he doesn’t know that it was getting overwhelming for you. He avoided you for a bit before apologizing and admitting that he had protected you because he feared you were weak because you were still a kid. You nodded in understanding and forgave him.

Epel: he had a small ego boost because he heard that you were magicless and a child who still knew nothing. He’d also heard Vil chatting away about you and saying mean things even when you were around. So he thought that you wouldn’t mind if he did too. You tried getting along with him at one point but he just pushed you away. “Is there something wrong with me that makes you stay away from me? I know that Im nothing like you but I’m trying to make an effort to get along with you!” You cornered him one day in the hall with small tears about to well over. He had almost nothing to say but a small peep “Does me being magicless and from another world disgust you? If it does then just say it already so I can leave you the hell alone and stop wasting my time trying to make an effort!” You demanded “I- no, not at all! I just…” He cleared his throat away of his country accent. “I thought that a kid like you couldn’t go through so many things and not have anything to hold onto yourself, ‘thought it was silly and that everyone and you were bluffin’ so I pushed you away because I thought you were way over yourself before I even got the chance to talk you properly…” he trailed off as you wiped your eyes and looked at him in understanding. Over time you both tried holding conversations to get to know each other and get warmed up so the same mistake doesn’t happen again. (It is hot in my damn room help 😭)

(The ones from diasomnia don’t really know you here)

Sebek 😈: He’d always talk about it was ‘impossible for a child with nothing to their name’ to even do anything in a world where they didn’t belong when he wasn’t stuffing his mouth with praises for Malleus. How ‘Their parents clearly made a mistake in raising them’ because you couldn’t cast a spell in class without needing help or looking at the instructions again. He’d even insult you in front of Malleus when you do someone like walk past their table “That child has no grace when they walk! Even in the presence of my lord himself! Utterly disgusting!” He’d say and the other three wouldn’t really respond because they hardly know you. One day Mr. Crewel had you two paired in a project so you two went to a secluded place to start (I mean he walked away while you followed after him.). “For the hundredth time that species will poison you! Can’t you understand?! Sevens I don’t know how you’re alive when you can’t even memorize stuff like this.” He muttered as he pinched the space between his eyes. You then slammed your fists in the table with tears of Frustration boiling up. “Can’t you understand that I can’t get a grasp of things here?! I’m only (age) and I’m in the (grade) grade! No sebek I cant understand anything because I’m not from here! I’m not supposed to be here making spells or talking to you because I’m supposed to be in a world where I get shut out like you have done to me because of shit like this! I don’t have an identity but only my face as proof of my existence! I don’t care about this project anymore you can blame me all you want I’m leaving.” You concluded before shoving papers in your bag and hastily walking away before he could even speak. After he had complained of what you said to him to Lilia he suggested that he look at it from your view and apologize. So he did. Which earned him nothing more than a smack on the face and a door to his nose. It’s up to you if you forgive him.

#thedivineflowers #twisted wonderland x reader #twst x reader #middle school mc #deuce spade x reader #jack howl x reader #epel felmier x reader #sebek vigzolt x Reader #ace trapolla x reader #middle schooler mc #twst x child reader #twisted wonderland x child reader

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f1letters · 1 year

Text

snow on the beach | ls18

"you wanting me tonight feels impossible, but it's coming down"

summary: nothing would ever compare to the feeling of simultaneously falling in love with each other

warning: overall fluff, rom-com energy that WILL cure any heartbreak really, friends to lovers, mentions of alcohol, swearing, just a story about the exact moment when two people realize they fell in love with each other, not proofread (because my laptop is acting up and i'm done for today lol)

pairing: lance stroll x reader

word count: 3.2k

note: everything in bold are song references and in italic are thoughts, which includes memories from the past.

hey everyone! honestly I've been feeling a bit down lately so this Wednesday I indulged my (not so) secret (now) crush on lance stroll and decided to treat myself (and all the lance lovers ofc) to some well-deserved lance content, haha! and for the ones who don't like him... just give it a try anyways and trust the process haha! enjoy! 💜

masterlist

One night, a few moons ago

I saw flecks of what could've been lights

But it might just have been you

Passing by unbeknownst to me

Do you know the feeling of your soul inexplicably catching fire? Of losing control of your thoughts all at once? Of your body being filled with enthusiasm at the sight of someone?

Y/N was very familiar with the thrill that hovered every time their eyes met across the room, as lately, it seemed to happen every time the young woman shared the same space with him.

It didn't matter how much she tried to deny it, or how much she looked for other justifications that would explain the butterflies she felt in her stomach.

One thing was for sure: even in a room full of the most important people in her life, she still found herself continuously looking for his big, beautiful, brown eyes.

It was almost like he was the light in every room she entered.

The driver's lips curved gently, giving her a small lopsided smile as he returned his attention to her brother, bringing his glass back to his lips.

The girl's attention dropped from his eyes to his soft lips, studying the sensual way his mouth moved as he drank the rest of his whiskey.

I wonder how his lips would feel on m- Stop, what are you even thinking?! Y/N shook her head, letting out a quiet growl, as she stopped whatever fantasy her mind was trying to create before it was possible.

We're just friends. She thought, trying to convince herself that this was just a moment of weakness. Maybe not even that.

Okay, sure, Y/N and Lance seemed to get along beautifully, the two naturally gravitating towards each other every time they got together. But in reality, Y/N couldn't help thinking that he was just being nice, keeping his future brother-in-law's little sister company.

Glancing at the boy beside the Canadian, she saw Scotty who, as if reading the thoughts in his sister's head, turned towards her and gave her a small wave, followed by a hand gesture to invite her to join them.

Y/N laughed nervously, shaking her head, and decided to walk to the large dining room table to get some more appetizers on her plate.

Nothing like good food to entertain a confused girl.

Life is emotionally abusive

And time can't stop me quite like you did

And my flight was awful, thanks for asking

I'm unglued, thanks to you

Her eyes admired the decorations throughout the house, adorned in detail, without missing a single corner. It was clear that the eldest James sibling and his fiancée had set no limits on their housewarming party.

Their new home was simply magnificent. Its rustic stone walls perfectly complemented its wooden beams and columns, maintaining the house's original charm yet giving it a modern touch.

The living room led to a majestic timbered window where Y/N seemed to spend eternities admiring the view from the top of the snow-covered mountain.

This really is Scotty's dream, endless snow, she smiled unconsciously.

"Uh-oh, she's smiling." She heard the Australian beside her, her smile growing exponentially as he leaned his back against the wall next to the window. "This can only mean danger."

"Shut up, you idiot." The girl shoved his arm playfully, shaking her head in annoyance. "FYI, I was having a proud sister moment, but I'm glad you stopped me. I definitely needed someone to wake me up from my temporary madness episode."

"Aww, baby sis, you're sooo cute." Scotty pinched her cheek, just like he always did since they were little, in order to annoy her. He knew how much she hated when he did that, so it didn't come as a surprise when she slapped his hand away from her face. "Hey! This is a no-violence zone. Just because you're an adult now doesn't mean I won't tell Mum and Dad."

Y/N rolled her eyes at the image of the smirk on her brother's face. "Just leave me alone, Scott. Go piss off Chloe or something."

The girl turned back towards the food, picking up a small pastry for herself, while the boy put his arm around his sister's shoulders.

He sighed dramatically, although she could still hear the smile on his face. "And here I was thinking you were going to say that I should 'go piss off Lance'... But I'm sure you would rather have that task for yourself, right sis?"

Almost choking on the delicacy she was eating, the girl started to cough, drawing way too much unnecessary attention to her.

Scotty was informing everyone that she was fine, enjoying her reaction to his words too much, as her eyes rose from the table.

And she couldn't help but curse her bad luck when she found Lance at the other end of the room, right in front of her, wearing a concerned look on his face, as she almost choked to death.

At that moment, she realized not even time stopped her quite like he did.

But mostly, she realized she was completely and utterly fucked.

And it's like snow at the beach

Weird, but fuckin' beautiful

Flying in a dream

Stars by the pocketful

You wanting me

Tonight feels impossible

But it's comin' down

No sound, it's all around

Scotty was patting her on the back, trying to help her, but he was interrupted by the sudden movement of the girl turning towards him.

"What the hell are you talking about?" She was nervously fixing her hair, her voice still struggling to come out.

Her older brother couldn't contain his laughter, letting his hand rest on the girl's shoulder. "Oh, my sweet, sweet Y/N... Everyone knows you're head over heels for our boy Lance! No need to deny it, especially to your big bro."

"WHAT?!" She yelled, drawing all eyes in the room back to her. She chuckled lightly turning to the crowd. Before anyone could say anything, she grabbed Scotty's wrist and pulled him into the kitchen. "What?!" She scream-whispered now.

"You heard me." Scotty said, crossing his arms confidently in front of her chest. "You have a big fat crush on Lance and you know it, I know it, everyone knows it!"

"Only someone blind wouldn't be capable of seeing it!" He continued to tease her, having too much fun making her uncomfortable. "In fact, even a blind man could tell by the way you sigh all lovey-dovey every time he walks by you."

"I do not!"

"Yes, you do!"

"No, I don't!"

"Yes. You. Do." Scotty emphasized word for word, making the girl give up, even though she would never admit defeat. The man took advantage of her silence to provoke her even more. "Y/N and Lance, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-"

"Scott, stop! Are you a fucking child?" Y/N approached him, covering his mouth with her hand. "I hate you, I swear. Stop this nonsense!"

"Don't worry, baby sis, he likes you too. I'm sure of it." The snowboarder said, giving his sister a kiss on her temple and a final pat on the shoulder, and leaving her alone in the kitchen with her own thoughts.

Lance? Wanting me? That feels impossible. She thought to herself, feeling slightly disappointed.

But she never let those feelings hang in the air too long, immediately contradicting them.

It doesn't matter. I do not like him.

We're just friends.

Like snow on the beach

Like snow, ah

Meanwhile, on the other side of the wall, Lance swept through the crowd anxiously in search of the girl that he couldn't seem to get out of his head ever since he laid eyes on her that afternoon.

Though he himself also denied his growing feelings for the young woman, Lance couldn't help but notice how his palms were sweating, or how his heart was beating faster.

He just couldn't help but feel worried when she disappeared in that state, leaving him wondering how she was.

Waking him up from his ceaseless search, a familiar hand landed on his shoulder, making him turn and find his sister with a sly smile on her face.

"Thank God you chose Formula 1 as a career because you would make a terrible actor."

"What on earth-"

"Get that lost puppy look off your face, Y/N's fine!" Chloe laughed, shaking her head. "Who knew? Two Strolls and two Jameses..."

"I'm not- I was just-" The driver found himself stuttering, unable to form a coherent sentence. "Jesus, Chloe, we're just friends! Friends care about each other. Don't start with this shit again."

"Mm-hmm, sure, friends." Chloe pretended to accept the repetitive excuse that came out of her brother's mouth every time. "I love it when you lie straight to my face just because you don't have the courage to admit that you have the hots for my favourite sister-in-law."

"I don't have the hots for-"

"Hey, watch it, pretty boy!" A voice appeared from behind him as the mysterious person quickly hugged the Canadian by his shoulders, causing his older sister to laugh uncontrollably. "It's my baby sister we're talking about here! Control your emotions, Romeo!"

"I- She- I don't-" Lance found himself in an even more awkward position again, suddenly turning into a deer in the headlights as he was caught off guard.

"Ahhh, kids." Scotty sighed, moving to his fiancée's side, leaning his head against hers without taking his eyes off the boy in front of him. "So young, so in love, and most of all... so stupid."

Lance threw his hands in the air in frustration, turning his back on the couple as he headed to the porch where he would be able to finally get rid of the two of them.

This scene feels like what I once saw on a screen

I searched "aurora borealis green"

I've never seen someone lit from within

Blurring out my periphery

Lance carefully opened the elegant glass doors, being immediately hit by the intense cold that settled at the top of the mountain as usual.

He silently thanked himself for remembering to put on his army green padded coat and his grey beanie on his head. He would never have been able to survive those freezing temperatures without them, even if his Canadian blood helped him a bit.

Another factor that quickly contributed to his body heating up was the girl sitting by herself on the wooden stairs.

As soon as his brown eyes landed on Y/N, the driver could have sworn his heart started pumping faster.

Just a coincidence, he thought, this is all Chloe's fault for putting these ideas in my head.

Gathering the little courage he had left to face these new feelings that were beginning to stir within him, Lance silently walked over to her and sat down on her left side, making the girl jump in fright.

"Oh my God, Lance!" She brought one of her black-gloved hands to her chest in shock, as the other one removed the AirPods from her ears. "You were about to give me a heart attack! Please don't scare a girl like that without warning."

"Sorry, sorry! It won't happen again!" He put his hand on top of her shoulder, laughing at her reaction.

He took a few moments of silence to watch as her eyes sparkled with excitement as she took in her surroundings.

"God, it's really beautiful up here, don't you agree?" She said, almost in a whisper.

Lance kept his gaze focused on her, not even thinking about taking his eyes off her beauty.

"Just like a movie scene."

My smile is like I won a contest

And to hide that would be so dishonest

And it's fine to fake it 'til you make it

'Til you do, 'til it's true

Unaware that he was subconsciously referring to her and not the dazzling snow that surrounded them, Y/N spoke in agreement. "It is, isn't it? I feel like I'm trapped in a Christmas movie or something." She laughed, eventually letting out a happy sigh. "They're going to love living here. I'm so happy for Scotty and Chloe, you know? They deserve this."

"Yeah, me too. They deserve more than anyone else to live their dream." Lance saw the girl shiver from the corner of his eye as she hug her own body closer. The driver moved closer to her and let his hands run up and down her arms to try to warm her up. "Are you cold? Do you want to go back in?"

"No, no! I'm fine! Just a little chilly, that's all, but thanks."

"Here." The boy removed the hat from his head, pulling it over her hair. The girl blushed at the affectionate gesture, not being able to hide the smile that was stamped on her face as if she had just won a contest. "That will make you stay warmer."

Now it's like snow at the beach

Weird, but fuckin' beautiful

Flying in a dream

Stars by the pocketful

You wanting me

Tonight feels impossible

But it's comin' down

No sound, it's all around

"Thanks, Lance. You didn't have to do that." The girl smoothed her hair shyly, pulling it behind her ear.

As it always seemed to happen, their eyes met, and couldn't let go. They were like magnets, drawn to each other. They just couldn't stand being apart from each other.

With no sound around them other than the muffled voices from inside the house, they both felt their stomachs drop as they both realized it simultaneously.

Fuck me, I'm completely in love with him, Y/N thought.

Fuck me, I'm madly in love with her, Lance thought.

Suddenly, all seemed to be coming down. The two felt consumed all around by the connection between them and they both knew they could no longer escape their undeniable attraction.

"I think I've had enough socializing for today," Lance said, charged with adrenaline. "Do you want to get out of here?"

"Lead the way, Stroll."

Like snow on the beach

Like snow, ah

The wind blew in through the open windows of the driver's Aston Martin as the two made their escape without anyone back at the party noticing.

The girl's hair was blowing in the breeze and, even though he knew he should keep his eyes on the road, Lance couldn't help but appreciate the moment and the fascinating smile she wore on her face as she sang to the song that echoed through the car.

God, she's just... absolutely gorgeous, he thought to himself.

A small smile appeared on his face, mirroring hers, as he imagined how much his older sister was going to piss him off for being right this whole time about the boy's crush on Scotty's sister.

Hopefully, the headache would pay off and he would have a chance to get the girl.

I can't speak, afraid to jinx it

I don't even dare to wish it

But your eyes are flying saucers from another planet

Now I'm all for you like Janet

Can this be a real thing? Can it?

"We're here." The boy said, parking the car in an empty lot with no one in sight.

"The beach! I love this place, how did you know?" Y/N jumped with joy, getting out of the car and letting her arms wrap around his shoulders without thinking too much about what she was doing. "Oh, sorry! I don't know what-"

She was about to pull away when Lance, driven by the realization of his most intimate emotions, pulled her closer to him by the waist. The girl's eyes widened as his face approached hers. "Just took a guess."

Oh but it wasn't a guess.

In all the years they'd known each other, Lance had found himself noticing every detail about Y/N.

The way her eyes sparkled when she talked about the happiest days of her life being at the beach.

How she bit her bottom lip every time someone asked her about her unstable career as an artist.

How she tugged the skins on her thumb impatiently whenever she didn't have her hands busy with some task.

Lance didn't know if he could speak, if he shouldn't wish for a chance with her.

He was scared, no, he was completely terrified of the idea that he might lose her.

Could they one day become a real thing?

Fuck it, he thought. It was now or never.

The driver went all-in and risked everything, moving closer to the girl as his eyes dropped to her plump lips.

He felt a gasp come out of her mouth, such was the way she was taken aback by his sudden move on her, but Lance didn't flinch and persisted on his way to her, until he felt her lips brush against his.

The two leaned towards each other, ready to be eternally consumed by their burning passion...

Until they felt a snowflake fall between their barely joined lips.

Are we falling like snow at the beach?

Weird, but fuckin' beautiful

Flying in a dream

Stars by the pocketful

You wanting me

Tonight feels impossible

But it's comin' down

No sound, it's all around

Y/N turned away from him as her eyes watched as the snow fell from the sky, painting the sand on the beach white.

"Is that-" Y/N couldn't believe her eyes.

"Snow? On the beach?" Lance replied, equally confused. "This is so-"

"Weird." "Fucking beautiful." The two spoke simultaneously, bursting into laughter at the difference in their reactions.

Like snow on the beach (Snow on the beach)

Like snow on the beach (Flying in a dream)

Like snow on the beach (You wanting me)

Like snow, ah

But it's comin' down

No sound, it's all around

Lance's hand came up to the face of the girl in front of him, stroking her jaw with his thumb as he pressed his lips to hers not wanting to risk the moment being interrupted again.

His mouth pressed over her slightly pursed lips, starting with a gentle kiss and building in intensity as they both lost themselves in the moment for what felt like forever.

"I don't know how to put this into words but... Y/N, you are the most amazing, beautiful, fascinating girl I've ever met. Since I laid eyes on you, I've been head over heels for you. I've tried to deny it- Well, more because Chloe kept bugging me about my crush on you." The driver began to ramble on with the nervousness that came with his feeble attempt at a declaration of love. "Anyway, focus Lance! Y/N, you- You are everything. I-"

"Lance." The girl laughed, placing her hands on either side of his face and placing a quick kiss on his mouth. "I love you too."

"Yeah, those are the exact words I meant to say." He laughed, reuniting their lips once again, as they both got lost in their own little wonderland.

Like snow on the beach

(It's comin' down, it's comin' down)

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(taglist continues in the comments)

thank you to everyone that asked to be tagged! please let me know if you want to be added to the next stories! 💌

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perplexingluciddreams · 6 months

Text

An exploration of gender as a nonverbal autistic

This is going to be an attempt at expressing my feelings about my own gender and queerness, as a nonverbal autistic with language difficulties, low awareness of the world around me, barely any sense of self, and so many other things that affect my ability to understand and be aware of the concept of gender and sexuality to begin with.

I tried to write this like a properly structured essay, but because my thoughts are so disorganised in general (and I have so many thoughts on this topic), I couldn’t manage that. So, I have decided to present this as if it is a collection of journal entries; that is basically what this is, in truth! You will just have to experience the disorganisation in a similar way to how I experience my own mind. The most organising I was able to do was split it up into some categories, to make it slightly easier for you, reading this. Some things that I wrote could fit into more than one category, but this is how I chose to divide it up.

I have written a lot about the words I use to describe the way I feel, how I choose those words, and how that has changed over time. My delays in certain areas of development, and the other ways my various disabilities affect me, have a significant impact on the ways I have come to understand my gender identity and the internal (and partially external) process I went through to get to where I am now.

I have no doubt that things will continue to shift and change and as a result, the way I define myself in different contexts will also change. This is just my first attempt at getting a lot of this out of my brain and into words, for other people to read.

I wrote this is many fragments, so it doesn’t flow or connect, and there may be some repetition. Each paragraph may have been written at a completely different time, and therefore doesn’t relate to the last paragraph, or the next. Some of this is just stand-alone statements, some is longer examinations of my feelings. But all of it is true to my experience of the world and of queerness.

I have never been able to express the majority of this before, so I think it is pretty good for a first attempt!

**Note: I make a reference to having speech at a point in my life. I am nonverbal due to late autism regression, and grew up semiverbal with very unreliable speech, and language issues. I had very poor communication.**

Here we go!

I am inserting a “read more” here because this is very long. Really, very long.

Part 1 - The Words

I don't really think of myself as a man or a woman, or a boy or a girl. I have called myself a transsexual man before, simply because that is the clearest way to explain to someone where I'm coming from and where I'm headed. But I don't particularly like the word "man" to describe myself. I like the word boy, just because the word is nice. But that doesn't mean I am insistent on people calling me a boy.

I choose the words I use for myself simply from what I like the sound or feel of the most. The last thing I want is to be boxed in, though. I only use labels as descriptors, to explain to other people - they are a tool to communicate something, not a set of limits and boundaries to put on myself.

I know a lot of people might read this and think "that sounds like nonbinary", but I don't use that word. Again, simply because I don't like the way it sounds or feels when i read/write/hear it. And yes, I suppose I do exist outside the conventional binary, but that would be the case regardless of whether I was transsexual or not, because of my autism. So that is not something that needs to be labeled in my opinion (for me personally). Because the conventional binary is not something that exists in my experience of the world.

I hate that there's one set of accepted terminology to label queerness - such a fluid and complex piece of identity - and that I am even more "other" if I choose to say that I AM female, I WAS a girl. I don't like the word transgender unless it is being used as a verb - transing gender. I like the word transsexual because it describes something I will DO (top surgery, eventually). And partly because of how it sounds and the pattern of typing it on a keyboard.

My gender is what I DO, not what I AM. Gender as a verb.

Socially, changing my name and pronouns is much more connected to my barely-there sense of self, and past trauma. I needed to start again, because I felt that my life had changed completely (and it *had*). I like he/him pronouns because they sound different to how i was always referred to growing up. And they simply sound nicer.

Even though I don't understand most of the social stuff that comes with gender stuff, I still have positive and negative connections to certain gender-related things. And relating to the way I was raised - it still affects me, even though I can't grasp the complexity of how and why.

I enjoy the fact that I am fucking with gender, fucking with expectations. I am a female that is also a boy. I love the contradiction.

I still call myself female, because if people really mean it when they say "gender and sex is separate", then "female" does not mean "girl" or "woman".

Most words I used to describe myself as a child were put on me by other people. I used to repeat them over and over in my mind, as if to explain to myself that that's what I am. Especially my own name. I felt that if I just repeated it enough then maybe those words would stick and feel real. They never did. I don't know what words I would use to describe myself now, but I don't think I need to know. I'm just me. No words are needed for that.

When I just exist as myself in the world, words are barely relevant. My world is so sensory-based and rich in sensations that there's no point even trying to put words to it.

I don't think there's anything wrong with creating new words for things that already have words to describe them, language is constantly evolving and different people will have different experiences that they want to describe in different ways. However, I don't think it is useful to argue for stopping the usage of "outdated" terms, as there are always going to be people who prefer those terms. Not all people are going to agree on a word that they find most fitting or appropriate, even in one community.

I try my best to examine my feelings about myself and what causes a good reaction in me and what causes bad reaction in me. And then I use whatever words I have to try and explain it as best as I can.

Often the words I have are not enough and either I cannot communicate something at all, or I try and it is inaccurate and/or inadequate.

It is very difficult for me to put such abstract thoughts/concepts/feelings into words, I lack the language for that and often also the awareness - there is so many steps to communicating something for me. For example, most people have the automatic urge to communicate things, and know that option is always there. For me, it takes mental work to even remember other people exist and I am capable of interaction with them. And of course after that follows so much more work to do the actual communicating.

For years I thought of the words "transgender" and "transsexual" as off limits. "Those are the things I am not allowed to be".

A lot of words have shaky definitions and that makes it hard for me to even understand what they mean, never mind use them to describe myself.

I would often rather use a phrase, or a paragraph, to describe myself, rather than a singular word. I really don't want to be misunderstood.

I think that the way I experience gender cannot be put into words, and it certainly can't be labeled with one thing. I'm just grateful to have the opportunity to even try and communicate these things, and to explore it openly in the first place. Because of course I would still explore it inside my own head, even if I didn't have the words or couldn't tell anybody - I was already doing that, before I had access to all this new language.

I know a lot of people don't like the word "tomboy", but since I was a kid I've always really liked it. It brings to mind a mental image of young girls (in a time when clothing for men and women was much more separated) dressing up in boys clothes, boys school uniform, and the feeling of freedom from that. I always wished people would call me a tomboy when I was a kid.

I had a feeling of "oh, that's what I want to be when I grow up", when I first learnt of what butch is. Even though I am not sure at all of my sexuality, because that relates to other people and I am never sure how I relate to other people, or if that’s even possible, especially in a romantic or sexual way.

The words I use will always be slightly "out of date", or "not right", because of the time it takes my brain to catch up with everything. I will never find words to properly describe myself in a way that feels fully correct. I live in a world of my own that doesn't need words, only the acknowledgement of a feeling inside my own head. However, that is not very useful when trying to communicate things to other people.

Some words just taste and sound like defiance.

Part 2 - My Physical Existence

With puberty, I had so much discomfort with the change in my body, not only because it felt as if I was developing wrong, but also because of age and developmental stage - I felt it was too early, I was not ready for that. Big changes are bad.

I do have dysphoria, but only really around my chest, and the way people refer to me (which is also complicated and related to trauma). And other than that, I don't care a lot about how I am viewed, as long as I feel free to express myself however I want.

Aside from my chest, I am comfortable being female. I like having a vulva (as much as it intrigues me about what having a penis is like), I don't want to change that about my body. I don't mind having a uterus (apart from menstruation, which is not fun, but it's not the worst thing ever and it doesn't make me feel overly dysphoric).

I recognise that I have a physical form. I did have to develop the awareness of that, but I do not see that as ME. I am just a floating mass of thoughts and feelings and experiences.

My body was made for me, it wasn't made wrong. There are things I need to change about this body to make it more comfortable to exist in, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it was made wrong to begin with, despite feeling that way sometimes.

Disabled bodies inherently break the rules.

Many times I have wondered, perhaps, if my chest were much smaller, I wouldn’t have a problem with it. The main thing I struggle with due to my very large chest, is the physical discomfort. It aggravates my sensory issues in a massive way, it causes back and rib pain from the weight and pressure. The ways that having a large chest increases symptoms of my disabilities are the biggest reason for needing top surgery. Gender wise, I think I would be unbothered by a more “neutral” body, where I could easily forget about my birth sex. If/when I get top surgery, I will be removing my entire chest - the end result being a flat chest - however if I naturally had very small breasts I wonder whether I would pursue top surgery at all. I’m not sure of the answer to this, I can’t imagine hypothetical situations well, but it’s something I think about often.

I find relief in having physical reminders that it is different now (to when I was a child) and I won't get hurt again, I am safe now. I now have a buzzcut that I touch every time I am scared and remember it is not like when my hair was long, not anymore.

Sensory issues and physical limitations affect my physical appearance. And, my mannerisms are affected. I cannot look how I WANT to look. How I WISH I looked. As a result, my perception of myself and my external appearance, are even further divided. My generally low awareness and weak sense of self comes into play here as well. There is such a disconnect.

Part 3 - Awareness and Understanding

I can't stick labels on myself because in order to do that, I need to perceive myself as a person first. If other people want to use certain words to describe the way I am and the way I try to find joy and comfort in this confusing and scary world, that's absolutely fine by me - words are important and helpful and useful. But I don't know enough about the character that other people see and perceive, to say those things about "me".

I don't understand the concept of gender at all really. For me being trans is just about having more of the things that make me happier and more comfortable. I don't know what it means to BE a boy, versus being a girl - just that, out of the two, I would much rather be a boy. It is complicated, having such strong feelings towards and/or against things that I barely grasp the concept of.

My (lack of) understanding of gender and awareness of the world and myself definitely impact the way I define my identity. I would like to say that I am not bothered about labels much. That, to me the human experience is too complex and varied and colourful to be fit into black and white labels, I am just somewhere on the spectrum of human, but as descriptors they can be useful. And all of that is true, however, I do have intense preferences on which words I and others use to refer to me, even if I don’t at all understand why. Those preferences have shifted over time, as well, which sparks a period of questioning and examination, every time I hear someone use a word I previously preferred and find myself physically recoiling from the discomfort.

I cannot understand social constructs such as gender and gender roles. It just add to the confusion that surrounds my brain every day of my life.

If someone views me as a woman (or a girl), nowadays I am okay with that. It definitely would have bothered younger me, because I couldn't yet wrap my head around the complexity and fluidity of identity, and how it can't always be described by words with strict definitions. But as long as people use the name I chose for myself, and refer to me in the the way I ask, I am okay with any assumptions they may make about me based on my outward appearance. Because it's me, and how I define my own identity, that matters. Not how I look to other people. And my appearance is not something I have much control over at all, anyway. The first thing people notice about me is that I’m disabled.

Part 4 - Growing Up

The stages to breaking down my identity enough to identify it as a trans experience, for me, were this. First, it was necessary to understand what gender and sex is, and that there’s a difference between the two. Then, to understand social roles assigned to male and female that create "girl" and "boy" expectations. Thirdly, to have enough awareness of myself and understand my individual experience (and be able to compare my experience to others’) enough to figure out how I feel about gender. Lastly, to finally get communication skills and the control over my life to be able to TELL anyone. This last step is a work in progress!

The way I see it, I was by default a girl when I was younger. Because I had no control then, and that's what was assigned to me. I really couldn't say what I wanted almost at all until I was about 16 years old. And one of the first complex things I finally could communicate (at a very basic level, just scraping the surface) was the gender stuff. I attempted this a lot of times before 16 but I simply didn’t have the language, the understanding, the awareness, the communication skills, etc. to get my point across. The first time I tried to tell another person about experiencing queerness, I only had the words “gay” and “lesbian” to use. I knew that these were not right, but that was all I had. The only words I could use were ones I had read or heard, from other people, and that greatly, greatly limited my ability to express my unique internal experiences. Instead of trying to find other words, I instead became very insistent upon being gay/lesbian, only because I knew it was more than that.

I have a lot of memories of scary experiences where my unreliable speech took over and blurted out scripts (delayed echolalia) about being queer (using words I wouldn’t choose), simply because I was trying to learn and understand my feelings about queerness better with watching/reading media from other people. And that lead to ridicule and more exposure than I was ready for or wanted. I didn’t want other people to know, at that stage. I wasn’t done with the processing, and I needed it to stay internal. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a choice in the matter.

I was one of those people where it was always obvious I am queer, or at least “different” in just about every respect. I have never had a choice to hide it. I mourn the fact that I was never allowed the chance to inform other people of this part of my identity in my own time, with my own words. I am grateful that I even have the privilege of writing this, but there is a reason that there’s so much to write here in one go. There is so much I haven’t had the ability to say at all, until now, and even more that I haven’t had the chance to say right.

Sometimes I have the feeling that, even in the queer community, with the accepted labels and identities, I don't fit. It makes me sad sometimes, that I couldn't fit an accepted “role” or label. I have come to an understanding that that is not what being queer is about at all, which helps. I think part of the reason this upsets me, is because I am so disabled that I will never “fit” in any real queer space with other real queer people. I am left outside, watching from the edges. I am outside of everything.

But - It comforts me that there have always been people like me, just existing in the world. We have always been here. When I was younger and had all these thoughts and feelings about gender that I didn't understand yet, had no context for, couldn't express and didn't have proof of anyone else who had the same experience - it comforted me to think "if i am feeling this, then statistically another human at some point in time must've felt the same way".

When I was younger I used to believe - queer is what people say when they mean "dirty" and "wrong". It’s what people say when they mean something worse but don't have a word for it.

My identity of being trans is simply my identity of being me.

When I think about "passing" and wishing things to be easier for me, I don't think "I wish I passed as a boy", I find myself wishing I was just a girl, and then my life would be so much less complicated. But, of course, it will always be complicated for me, because of how others perceive my autism first, before anything else. I feel I struggle to be seen as a whole human with a complex human experience, because to so many people I am just my autism. Then also lacking of awareness of gender and only knowing my own feelings - even if I was a girl, I would still have this difficulty! - but still, in this situation, I think "I wish I didn't have these feelings to begin with". I think that shows it is more about the difficulty of coping, rather than other people's view and opinion based on my appearance and outward expression.

When using words to refer to my younger self, those experiences and the way they were labeled and explained at the time does not cease to exist just because I choose to use different words for my present-day self. I am more accepting of this now, I used to really struggle with the fact that it had changed over time and my black-and-white thinking of “one or the other is true”, made it very challenging.

When I was younger, the only way I knew how to make everything “wrong” with me (autism, physical disabilities, queerness, lack of faith in God, etc.) an understandable concept, was to come up with the overall explanation that “my brain is broken”. I just thought that must be the only answer. It was the only way I could process how many things I thought were completely and utterly wrong about me.

It feels like two facts colliding when I see my birth name, and it makes my brain hurt and my understanding of the world shatter.

Part 5 - The Choice

When people misgender me, it is more upsetting to me that people ignore my choice than that they perceive me "wrong" or make the wrong assumption. I actually don’t mind assumptions much, if someone looks at me and thinks I’m a woman that’s okay with me nowadays - I understand that I appear female, because I am, and a lot of people connect female with woman (or girl, as I am often also assumed to be quite young). But I also can easily forget that someone might not know my pronouns straight away, simply because of struggles with theory of mind - I forget that other people don't automatically know what I know, that they can't read my mind.

It is upsetting only because my choice is not being respected or understood or seen, from my brain’s point of view. Having the ability and opportunity to choose the way I am addressed, the way I identify, the way I talk about myself and want others to talk about me, is incredibly valuable to me. For so long I have only had other people’s words, both for them to freely put onto me, and to use in my laboured attempts at communication. Attempting to grab onto the closest words to my true meaning and piecing them together like jigsaw pieces from different puzzles that don’t quite fit.

Now that I can write something like this, with so many words that are mostly my own, to have someone go against that (whether it is intentional or not - it doesn’t change things because of my low theory of mind, I can’t think from another’s perspective and understand that they don’t know what I know) is spirit breaking.

A lot of the parts of my transition can be (partially) attributed to different things, different reasons. I changed my name partly because I had no connection to my birth name, and struggled to remember to respond to it. It also reminded me of bad memories that I don’t want to relive every day. Having a new name was part of a necessary process of changing every part of my life so it never feels the same way it used to - at least, not in the ways that I can control. I already wrote about how I need top surgery for reasons including but not limited to dysphoria, pain, sensory issues, and so on. I love having my hair buzzed (as much as I have the occasional urge to grow it), because it feels like me. It feel different to when I was younger, and it’s a physical reminder that I am safe now, every time I touch my head or catch a glance of myself in the mirror.

Technically, with these other reasons to attribute many parts of my transition to, I could choose not to identify the way I do. If I didn’t feel a strong connection to queerness, I don’t think I would spend so much time trying to sift through thoughts and feelings and experiences and memories and holding them up against different words to see how it fits. I have basically no awareness of gender outside of myself, I can’t figure out my sexuality because I don’t know how I can even relate to other people. I could put a mental block between me and this topic, and never call myself queer or trans or anything like that ever again.

But - I DO choose to collect these parts of me, and spend the time holding them up to the light and squinting at them from every direction, to come to align them with these words. That is my choice.

I am the same person I always have been, I just get to choose now. I have the power and control.

Thank you for reading, if you got to the end! I love to know that my words are seen by other people.

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capn-twitchery · 3 months

Note

I'm sorry did I see you say you did your masters' thesis on character design? could you tell us more? 👀

YES ABSOLUTELY thank you So much for giving me an excuse to go off about this oh my god--SO!! 👀

my masters was on animation, specifically concept art & pitch bibles for animation (i'm not sure how well known those are but basically it's a document/book you bring into a pitch, contains all the basics of the show!) so it focused around making an animated show concept, a pitch bible & a visual development portfolio (just a fancier way to display more concept art) & the thesis (was supposed to) document the thought process behind making it

it was classed as a science masters, which meant the project had to be based around a hypothesis, so things got Muddled (hypothesis was on the rarity of adult horror in western animation) but the core of it was: i wanted to make a pitch for a fake tv show and write about character design & analyse art styles. so i did! there was stuff on stereotypical design traits & what they imply, environmental storytelling, how to show story through character design, how genres affect art styles & why, stylising animals for animation, sticking to historic research vs visual shorthands/readability, off the top of my head.

i will spare you hours of ramblings BUT i will not spare you the chance to show off some of the stuff i made >:3c the show concept was an 1800s (vaguely) southern gothic horror vibe, i went for anthros bc i had never tried them before and wanted something more challnging than humans. story concept was based around ergotism, mass hysteria, unreality, weird creatures in the fields that may or may not be real, power struggles, etc. etc.

the pitch bible i am still so Unbelievably proud of--i made everything basically from scratch myself, drew so many things i'd never even Attempted before, and although i'd change a few things now (mainly the writing/formatting) i'm still proud of it! i think the visitants pag is the coolest thing i've ever made still >:3c here's a handful of pages, and i'll put a few of the visual development portfolio ones under the cut & the links to the full things if anybody is interested!!

i never did get to finish the visdev portfolio bc of a bunch of health issues + a surgery, which is a shame. i do still really like this project tho and i'm immensely proud of getting the degree even through the Fuckery 😌

i'd love to come back to it someday, there's a lot of things i'd like to change now i'm not under a time limit (better historical reference, for one) but it's the first uni project i've still felt passionate about after submitting it, so thank you for giving me the chance to talk about it :D

if you did wanna see the full pieces, the pitch bible is here and the portfolio is here (albeit unfinished)

#inquiries #abstractkind #thank you 1000x hehehehe i always love talking about this #i know it's unrelated to the blog entirely but it's ok it gets an exception #fredspeaks #sorry this is long i hope it's interesting at least >:3

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floatingxendlessly · 4 months

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Day 22? Day 22, flirty

Lookie, I made a background! This piece has caused me trouble, and I'm not fully happy with the end result but I'm still so proud of it!

I'm not happy in the sense that it's not what I envisioned in terms of shading, lighting, rendering, yada yada yada, but I'm so proud of myself regardless because I've got a ways to go with this medium (but also i got lazy and its been three[four] days.) (>◇<)/ I prefer my traditional art but it just wasn't coming out the way I wanted! First I couldn't find decent references so I fused two pictures of myself, made the sketch on Ibis, tried recreating it on paper but in the end I got frustrated and I liked the digital sketch so! This is the end product :3

Anyways back to the boys, I wanted Fuyuhiko to be the one holding Kaz's chin, but I like seeing Fuyuhiko blush so please, accept the alt

I think it's so cute when people blush and their ears turn red <3

This piece is super indulgent for me. All of my art is indulgent but still! Here's my headcanon for it: Kazuichi would be more nervous to initiate touch at the beginning of their relationship, mostly for fear of crossing a boundary, so Fuyuhiko ends up being the one to initiate hand-holding, do a side hug or place his hand on Kaz's waist to encourage cuddling, any of the standard 'couple' or 'romantic' gestures. It wouldn't take too long for Kazuichi to find the confidence to be more affectionate but since they'd likely keep their relationship hidden for a while, any PDA that can't be passed off as regular, friendly interactions are off-limits.

Which means they'd wait to be 100% alone in private to be affectionate, so this would take place a year or more later, when they're out and give less of a dam. Kazuichi would be more touchy but not exactly flirty, and when he does attempt to, it falls a little flat from either his awkwardness or lack of confidence. So the times he does flirt successfully are very impactful. As for Fuyuhiko, he also isn't super flirtatious by nature but he's got more confidence to pull it off. And Kazuichi is a bit more easily flustered by words than Fuyuhiko is, so most of what the blonde says to Kazuichi ends up with him blushing and feeling fuzzy. But that's my personal headcanon, what about you? :v

#fuyuhiko kuzuryu #kazuichi souda #kuzusouda #drif's art das a me

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fillinforlater · 1 year

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Helping my divine friend with something although she could help herself because I’m such a nice guy but I really misjudged things and now they go wrong

Male Reader x Jeon Jiwoo

Length: 3515 words

Tags: experimental sex, Jiwoo wants it all, goddess!Jiwoo, awkward sex, 69, riding, overstimulation, there is a lot of pressure on you btw, missionary, creampie, heavy orgasm, a reference no one will get, seriously if you get the reference I'll buy you a cookie, technically virgin sex, the background switches a couple of times, tit sucking, you might crack a smile at times, pussy eating, sexpert!you / playful!Jiwoo

TW: I edited this... but it still is chaos deluxe, so beware

Inspiration: the ideas/pic send by @existslikepristin

Credit: @existslikepristin for submitting a crazy good request!

(A/N: I had fun writing this chaos and I hope you have some fun reading it. Jiwoo of Kard was definitely not on my mind, so it was fun seeing her submitted. Go Kard!)

“I need your help with something.”

You quickly turn your head to the far end of your bed. There she is again, this time with silver hair and a red dress that loosely covers the most intimate parts of her body, but leaves a lot of room for her pale skin to shine through. Today she overdid it though. In your humble opinion, her marble colored skin looks like a newly printed sheet of paper you can write on, and those large, obsidian earrings give off a ridiculous contrast to all the white.

“Why the fuck do you need my help?” you sigh.

Your question is absolutely warranted. Jiwoo, like a lot of the friends you manifested in your time in solitude, is a Goddess, with power beyond the known natural barriers. Unlike the strong Matthew, the clever Somin or crazy J, all elaborate figments of your imagination, she seemingly has no limits. To your knowledge, she can do anything, thus there is no need to ask you for help.

“Well,” Jiwoo explains herself while your focus shifts back to the magazine in your hands, “it’s an activity that needs at least two. Can’t have sex alone, you know?”

You furrow your eyebrows. but force yourself not to look back up again. Jiwoo saying weird things is nothing new to you at this point. Most of the time, she is just playing pranks on you. She knows that the word ‘sex’ should get a reaction out of you, no matter the context, but you won’t give her this victory. Defying this Goddess has been a daily activity for you since Jiwoo decided to become proactive in your lazy life.

“Not really,” you respond with a deep breath. “You can have sex on your own. Go masturbate or get a dildo or two, no need for me to be around.”

“But I already did that!” Jiwoo blurts out and tears away the magazine. She leans towards you, face to face. You can’t avoid her diamond eyes, mostly because you don’t want to stare down the deity’s cleavage.

“It’s boring, I want to try something new.”

Now you’re really surprised.

“Wait, you never had sex before? Like with another person?”

“Nope,” Jiwoo shakes her head and straightens her posture again, “Too busy.”

“Too busy doing what?” you ask and immediately regret it. The more attention you give her now, the more likely it is for her not to go away and leave you alone.

“Too busy testing every ice cream flavor and comparing them. Shit, there are so many of them.”

You stare at her, disappointed, confused, annoyed. Jiwoo notices. With quick blinks she tries to make her eyes appear puppy-like, but even through divine powers she could never pull it off. Something about her appearance is always so-not-cute, which is a bummer because cute girls are your type.

“Something inside me—” you sigh and carelessly throw the magazine over your shoulder, “—can kinda relate, but at the same time, like, just go out now. I don’t see you eating ice cream now, so you can just seduce some guy at a bar or even offer yourself. No need for me to do it.”

“So you’re saying I should prostitute myself?” Jiwoo acts infuriated, a theatrical hand on her chest, “What if I catch a disease, you bastard!”

“For fuck sake, as if you need to worry about that.”

“But I just want to do it with someone I know.”

“Me? Why?”

“Stop asking questions!” Jiwoo shouts and shoves you down to your bed. Her eyes turn white in fury, maybe you have stretched her patience a bit too far. If you are honest to yourself, you don’t really have a good reason to reject her. You don’t want to? Well yes, but actually no. Even inhibitions because she is something extraterrestrial would usually not keep you from getting laid (not like it happens all of the time, you don’t get busy with humans that often either). Maybe it’s because you don’t want to risk the friendship? Were you always this complicated?

“Okay fine, fine, I’ll do it,” you sigh and Jiwoo’s face lights up.

“Awesome! I want to try a lot of things, so we should get started.”

Jiwoo smiles brightly. Her red leather clothes glow for a second before they disappear and she stands before you fully nude. Turn your head to the side to hide your blush. She has no clue.

“Slow down, slow down. Dammit, Jiwoo, I still don’t know what you want to try—”

“Everything.”

You glare back at her—her tits, nice handfuls—her face, actually, you wouldn’t get distracted by—tits, they look very soft—pinchable cheeks, no red on them at all. She lacks any embarrassment.

“W-well,” you stammer, eye contact fragile, impossible even, “there are so many things you c-can do during sex o-or with the partner, we won’t be able to do them all. I-I could walk you through like a basic routine?”

“Aw, but only if we do the rest later, ‘kay?”

Another attempt at puppy eyes, but this time you don’t even notice them. The surprisingly dark areolae around Jiwoo’s nipples is a lot better at getting your attention than whatever her eye color is right now.

“F-fine. No need to roleplay romantic stuff so uhm let’s just get to oral, so we can learn, I mean you can learn some stuff, uhm.”

Words have never been this hard to find, formulate, fuck, you can’t even swallow properly. This woman really is without shame. She snaps her fingers and your clothes disappear in a beam of light as well. Speaking of light, the entire room becomes a lot brighter from seemingly nowhere. You try to find the source but all you find is Jiwoo’s ass as she playfully spins around.

“I created some extra light so I can see all things properly. No need to search for your shadow, there is none.”

She says it so casually, like she is insane. The insane one however is you. You nod like a brainless idiot like you didn’t have any reservations about this beforehand. It’s too late to turn back now.

“Let’s start, uhm, with uhhhh, a 69 position. Basically—” you hesitate for a moment and look intently at Jiwoo’s cleanly shaven slit, “—I lay down and you get on top of me. Your face is at my crotch and you, like, do the same. Viceversa."

“Oh, okay~”

The two of you get into position. You feel your hardening shaft rub over Jiwoo’s soft cheek and her thick, almost trunky thighs press on your own cheek. The all-encompassing light works wonders, you can easily see everything about Jiwoo’s pussy, although she is definitely too eager at making your face meet her crotch.

“Now what?” Jiwoo asks and stares at your cock.

“Take it into your mouth and suck on it. In the meantime, I, uhm, do basically the same with your vagina. This way we can both give oral pleasure, like with our mouths.”

“Ah, I see! And it looks like a six on top of nine!”

Jiwoo’s excitement is unbridled. Right after she blurts out her discovery, she takes your cock into her mouth and nibbles on it. Sharp teeth come dangerously close to digging into the delicate skin of your most holy scepter. You scream.

“No teeth, no chewing! Jiwoo, never do that, it hurts, fuck!”

“Chill, chill, I’m sorry,” she blurts out, dick still on her tongue. “So no teeth?”

“Please, yes, no teeth. Just tongue and—fuck, oh fuck!”

Before you can finish your explanation, Jiwoo takes most of your sensitive cock in her mouth, violently choking on it while her tongue runs sloppy circles around the shaft. The indescribable pleasure of her sudden blowjob only lasts a couple of seconds though, because her gags become too dangerously strong. Jiwoo almost releases more than just your cock from her mouth. New discovery: Goddesses have a gag reflex.

“You, you can take it slower,” you breathlessly say, while putting your tongue on her labia. “Like this. Slow licks, careful sucking.”

“Hm, oh wow, that feels good.” Jiwoo begins to quietly moan and lowers her pussy further down on your tongue. “I thought sex was very quick and hard and all that.”

“It can be, but this feels good too, right?” you say with a witty smirk and lick on her clit.

“Oh fuck! I see, I see, fuck, shit, fuck.” Jiwoo continues to curse as she uses the newly learned lesson on the tip of your cock. Her delicate tongue puts pressure on the underside of your tip, then she drags it over and under your cock head. You hiss and gently spread her pussy lips to suck everything from clit to ass.

“Hng, ah fuck! I understand why you humans curse during sex. It feels so fucking good.”

You giggle. Jiwoo’s pussy is now pinning you to the mattress, but you’re not going to complain. It’s an amazing labia, pink, and the juice is tasty. More and more is coming out and you decide to probe into her with your tongue. The first time her insides get spread by non-plastic makes Jiwoo scream with your cock in her mouth.

“Fak, feef fo gout.”

You start to tongue fuck her.

“So goouuut!

“I wan somsin big—bigger!”

Your cock pops free from her lips and she gets off of your face, spotted with tiny droplets of her juice. Jiwoo stands above you, confused, needy, staring at your cock which is proudly pointing at the ceiling.

“Well, uhm,” you cough to get the Goddess’ attention back, “I guess we can continue. If you want it inside you, you can ride me.”

“Huh? Like a piggyback ride?”

“No, I mean—no, that doesn’t work. What I meant is you can basically sit on my penis while it’s inside of you.”

“Oh, I see. Yes, fuck, I want that.”

Jiwoo reaches for the base of your dick. She squats down and rubs the spit-drenched tip on her labia, searching for the hole. Her outsides feel hot already, you can’t wait to feel the clenching of her pussy. For the first time, no curses, no words, just quick breaths and subsequent moans when Jiwoo finally aligns you with her hole.

As the seconds tick down, the tension leaves Jiwoo’s body and you’re able to penetrate her. With a shriek she stops after half of your cock is inside of her. It’s an awkward feeling for both of you. The Goddess is aroused but confused by this sensation of a real dick, the human is confused by the intense heat he enters. Jiwoo looks towards you, eyes full of questions.

“Well, uhm, what does it feel like?” you ask with a smile. “Is-is it good? Does it hurt?”

“It’s weird,” Jiwoo mewls. “You’re hot and you stretch me out. God, is this really the way you reproduce?”

“Yeah, but usually, there is more moving.”

“I get it, I get it, just let me adjust. You’re pretty big after all.”

A bright grin and a deep flush alter your cheeks and Jiwoo looks at you, even more puzzled than before. She readjusts her feet to keep the current position, but you can already see that she will go down on it soon.

“Thank you for the compliment,” you whisper and caress her thigh.

“What compliment? It’s a fact, don’t faulter yourself.”

“Faulter is wrong, that’s not how you—ha, fuck!”

You hold your breath, when Jiwoo suddenly goes down. You try reaching for something to not lose your grip on reality, but Jiwoo's thighs are not good at giving you stability because the Goddess immediately starts to grind and shimmy on your cock.

"Woah, fu-fu-fuck," Jiwoo fakes a stutter as her features turn euphoric. "This is insane. Amazing, so deep, I feel so full. I want it again, this feeling."

You don't have to give her a hint this time; Jiwoo starts to ride you herself. She impales her tight pussy on you with more vigor each time her legs lift her slender body up. She is too enamored with the feeling to notice your groaning and mewling.

Suddenly, everything around you disappears. For what has to be less than a second, all your furniture, your room, even your house vanishes into a white void. In the next moment, you find yourself in the midst of a grand meadow, confused sheep all around you, gigantic mountains in the background, soft, dew-covered grass below you.

"What the fuck?" you shout out, but Jiwoo has her eyes closed and forces her cunt on you without stopping. "Ji-Jiwoo, where the—huh?"

The void swallows all the sheep and snowy mountains and wet grass. They get replaced with the impeccable view of countless skyscrapers and houses from above. A strong, cold wind blasts through your hair. You tense up.

"Holy shit, is that New York—wait, are we on the Empire Sta—"

Before you can finish stating your observation, yet another void ends your view of the American metropolis and sends you into an uncomfortable bed of sand. Nothing but hot, rough, irritating sand everywhere. It annoys you on the beaches, but in a dessert it’s the fucking worst.

"Fuck, shit," Jiwoo curses through gritted teeth and for the first time slows down. With you a twitching mess because of her twitching cunt on your twitching dick, she finally stops and hides her flushed face.

"I-I think I almost peed. Weird feeling."

"It-It's f-fine,” you dismiss her worries as the sun starts to scorch your skin. “But can you please get us out of this fucking dessert?”

“Yeah, right, uhm.”

This time, the transition is seamless. The sand on your back gets replaced with something a lot more comfortable. Soft cushions stuffed with feathers or cotton, even better than your own bed, except you're not laying on a bed but a couch. The cooler, darker surroundings are foreign to you.

“Where are we now?” you ask, annoyed at what you perceive are Jiwoo’s usual antics.

“I don’t know and I don’t care,” she blurts out and draws circles on your chest with her fingernails. “That was incredible, marvelous! The way my pussy got stretched out by your cock. How did it feel for you?”

“Well, uhm.” Suddenly embarrassed, you avert your eyes from Jiwoo and try to come up with a good response. It’s hard to lie when you’re still balls deep inside her. “It just feels very good, the, uhm, warmth and ti-tightness and—”

“So tightness is good?” Jiwoo repeats the meaning of your words with a curious nod. “Then how about this?”

Tightness turns to pressure. The walls of Jiwoo’s cunt begin to clamp down harder on you. The texture of her insides becomes imprinted on your skin. You both groan in unison. At this point, there is nothing to add that could make this connection stronger, you literally can’t pull out of her. However, Jiwoo continues, her pussy slowly becoming a merciless hydraulic press that threatens to crush your cock. The pleasure from pressure fades into horror and pain.

“Fuck, ah, fuck, stop! Please, Jiwoo!”

Your screams don't go unheard. Jiwoo ends her odd experiment on you.

“Too tight?” she asks the way a scientist would ask a subject during testing of a very questionable product.

“Yes, yes, way too tight.”

“Sorry about that. Maybe I could increase the heat nex ti—”

“No! I mean, no, no need for that.” You helplessly sway your arms to get your point across. “There is no need for any of this crazy, supernatural stuff. Your pussy is… it’s awesome as it is, Jiwoo.”

Awkward silence. The two of you can’t hold eye contact for more than a fleeting moment. Blood shoots to your head in embarrassment, and even the Goddess on your dick is not immune to it. She carefully gets off of your lap and looks over the back of the couch.

“This is, uhm, quite the interesting place,” Jiwoo whispers.

“Yeah, but what is it actually? You should know. You teleported us here after all.” You try to keep the conversation going while gawking at the large paintings, crimson banners and dark brown tables and chairs. There is no lamp at the ceiling or any other electrical device in this room. Everything about this place looks and smells like it’s from a long time ago, but not a galaxy far, far away.

“To be honest,” Jiwoo elaborates, “I just chose a random room from your mind. I can replay memories or parts of your imagination? Maybe you have been here before or imagined a place like this?”

Jiwoo points out the window at blue-gray walls topped with battlements and towers. Further below is an atrium with dozens of servants cleaning pans and pots. Undoubtedly a castle, a very realistically old looking castle. Even the people are dressed up properly, like they came straight out of Europe 600 years ago.

“Hm, I don’t remember being in this castle. It might be from a movie I watched or a story I read.” You ponder a little longer before looking at Jiwoo who fixes her white strands that got stuck to her sweaty face. “Anyways, what do we do now?”

“Show me another position, please~” Jiwoo immediately responds, her voice cute, her hands naughty. Finger wrap around your cock and give slow pumps. You’ve had it with her, it’s time to show her a different side.

“Fuck, fine. Lay down and spread your legs.

“Let me take charge now.”

Jiwoo’s legs shoot away from her body in excitement. The thrill in her eyes grows exponentially, when you rub your hard cockhead on her moist folds. Put a hand next to her face for stability before penetrating her in one motion. Jiwoo groans when you bottom out and mewls when you pull out shortly after. Before she can complain, you repeat the process.

“Woah,” Jiwoo pulls you closer to her body as she groans, “this is crazy good.”

“This position is called missionary.”

“Why are you, hm, fuck, why are you going so slow though?”

With a smirk you lean down to one of Jiwoo’s breasts and take as much of it as you can in your mouth. Drag your tongue over the delicate skin in calculated patterns and watch her whimper because her nipple is left untouched. Jiwoo is getting closer to losing her sanity, which is a deserved punishment for the cock-compression from earlier.

“Don’t worry, I will go faster. Just one thing, Jiwoo.

“When this weird feeling comes again; don’t hold back, let it out.”

Finally suck her nipple for the finale before letting it pop free from your lips. It’s like a secret signal, a code word for your hips to do their job. No more pulling out, now it’s just pistoning like an engine in overdrive.

Jiwoo screams out your name, which urges you to drown out her voice with pelvis on pelvis hits that make droplets of her juice stain the ancient couch. This time, her pussy tightens around you without any supernatural body alteration.

You groan in satisfaction, the sight of Jiwoo below you disturbingly different from her usual self but also incredibly hot. You peck her trembling lips, then move along her sharp jaw to nibble on it. Hiss when she digs her point nails in your back.

“Fuck, don’t stop. This is amazing,” Jiwoo moans out. Every thought of hers is drowned out, only gasps escape her mouth, but even those get interrupted when you suddenly shove your tongue into it. Jiwoo freezes in confusion, giving you the perfect opportunity to play with her idle tongue. Push it around with your own like it’s a bouncy ball, force it to play along as you increase your tempo.

Jiwoo’s breaths become rapid, your thrust wild, violent even. Her hands are in your hair, she is about to pull out entire patches which just makes you fuck her harder. Wetness, wetness and suddenly, an entire waterfall comes pouring out of Jiwoo’s thoroughly fucked hole. A strong, squirting orgasm leaves her teary eyed and breathless. Luckily, it also makes her stop pulling your hair thus you don’t have to worry about partial baldness—yet.

Don’t worry about cumming inside her too. She is a Goddess, she won’t get pregnant, no matter how big your load is. It feels like a month's worth of cum is sucked out of you; at first, it’s shot in and then, it comes pouring out when you pull out. You fall backwards into the cushions, stirring up more dust then you would’ve hoped.

“Oh. My. God,” Jiwoo slowly, quietly mouths. “This was… godly!”

“I see what you did there,” you chuckle and watch Jiwoo’s chest rise and fall and her gaping pussy leak your cream.

“So this is how babies are made,” she casually says.

Your body shoots back up, your face contorting in shock.

“Wait, what? N-no, you’re a Goddess, you can’t get pregnant.

Right? Right???"

Jiwoo pouts and looks up at you.

“Isn’t getting pregnant the goal? Why would it be bad?”

“I—

“It’s complicated.”

#kpop smut #female idol smut #kard smut #jiwoo smut #kard jiwoo smut #male reader smut #male reader insert #male reader

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tarttheart · 6 months

Text

PRECIOUS LOVE: PROLOGUE - JAMIE TARTT x YOU

summary: a crush leads to a one night stand leads to four years away from England.

word count: 1.5k

warnings: language, sexual references, pregnancy loss.

prologue: didn’t know what to do with myself

Before Keeley, there had been you.

You had been off limits. Everyone knew that. It had been an unwritten rule at Man City. At first, it was out of respect for De Bryune (and partly because no one wanted to suffer his wrath if they broke your heart). But then, everyone got to know you and it became evident that the rule had to stand. You were affable to a fault and you had this knack for drawing people out no matter how hard their exterior was. Everyone loved you and there was no way anyone could pursue you without a potential falling out with the team if things went pear-shaped so no one did.

Until Jamie.

Jamie was still living in his Prince of Pricks era but even he struggled with not becoming enamoured by you. You were always so sincere and genuinely interested in him (and anyone) as a person that he grappled with having actual feelings for you. Jamie did not do actual feelings. Not even a little bit.

Jamie made every effort to push you away and out of his life but you made it impossible. Despite how much of a prick he had been to you, you had unabashedly pulled him into a long, long, long hug after chancing upon an encounter because Jamie and his dad. To say it had not gone down well would be putting it mildly but the way you had wordlessly walked up to him and pulled him into a long, tight hug had said it all and had undone all the walls Jamie had tried to put up.

It was the last post-season celebration Jamie would attend for a while. He was going to be loaned to Richmond next year and he would be leaving soon. Who knows when he would be back? If ever there was a time to shoot his shot, it was now.

Which worked out perfectly.

Your time in Manchester was never permanent. You had moved from London for a promotion. It had worked out well that De Bryune was in Manchester and your friendship meant you instantly befriended a literal team of people. It had made life in Manchester far more interesting and fun but you had been offered another promotion which involved yet another relocation. It was much further away this time and unfortunately, you knew no one there. But, it fulfilled your dream of living overseas. So, while De Bryune had been disappointed that one of his key connections to life outside of football was due to leave, he could only send you off with his well wishes.

“I’m really happy for you. I know how much you dreamt of moving away and seeing the world and now you will.”

You smiled, “took a lot longer to make my dream come true compared to you though.”

“It’s not a competition,” De Bryune chided before continuing, “you know, if you have other dreams, you should work on them too.”

You hummed softly to yourself as you ignored the underlying meaning to Kevin’s comment.

He cleared his throat and continued, “fine, don’t talk to me about it. But we’ve known each other since we were kids. As much as I hate that you do, I know you like Jamie. And I’m pretty sure Jamie likes you. He’s a prick but pretty sure that’s a shell. Probably didn’t need to tell you that. So, my point is, you’re off soon as is he. If you want to make your feelings known before you go, you’ve got my blessing.”

Kevin tapped his empty bottle against the railing on the balcony of Rodri’s house where the post-season celebration was underway.

“Think on it. You deserve to be happy,” Kevin said before whispering, “even if it’s with a prick.”

You laughed, “thanks, Kev, but I am already happy.”

Later that night, as the party fragmented, you found yourself with Jamie through it all. Whether it was playing darts as a team or having a chat about your years ahead with him off to Richmond and you across the world to Australia, you two were joined at the hip.

You excused yourself for the bathroom and found what Kevin had said weighing heavily on your mind. Snap out of it, you repeated over and over in your head.

It had all been too much. Sitting with Jamie all night after Kevin went home to Michele and the boys. Then, playing snooker together had really taken its toll. He had been so incredibly nice despite how terrible you had been. He quietly praised you and even hugged you when you pocketed a ball. You had been overwhelmed and it did not help that you had been drinking since noon.

So, when you emerged from the bathroom to find him there, boring his eyes into yours as he checked up on you, you found yourself succumbing to the urge to kiss him. And while Jamie knew he was not supposed to, since when did Jamie listen to rules?

For the first month or so that you were away, you kept up some communication with Jamie. The occasional message commenting on each other’s Instagram pictures. Then, Jamie noticed that the messages became less frequent and a lot more distant. At some point, he realised you never initiated conversation anymore and he would never admit it but it broke his heart.

So, Jamie did the usual Jamie thing of covering it up by fucking the next fit model he met - Keeley Jones.

It had been four years, four long years. You had spent all of it overseas, not once did you return to England because why would you?

Your family had dispersed as everyone had grown up. Sure, your parents did still live in England. They had moved to Oxford since your dad retired and your mum received an offer to continue her research at the university there but if anyone understood being away for work, it was them. Your own sisters had long left England with one moving to Germany with her husband after he had been transferred there and the other moving to Canada for her own career. So, your move to Australia was almost expected. Anticipated. Celebrated, even

It sounded harsh but it was true. Your parents had had you late in life and you were completely aware you had been an accident, a little blip in their perfectly planned out lives. Mum was always busy with her research while Dad spent the bulk of his time working away as legal counsel for a big multinational corporation. Much of your time growing up had been spent with your grandparents. You would have dropped everything and returned to England for them in a heartbeat but they had both passed not long after you had graduated so in a way, there was no family to visit in England.

Friends-wise, a good chunk of them were similarly gallivanting around the world. Otherwise, they were starting families like Kevin and that was just not where you were at in life. And, it was not like you did not want to start a family. You almost had but then, it had not quite worked out that way. Which was incidentally a big part of the reason why you had avoided England, despite every excuse you used to justify travelling around Asia Pacific instead of going anywhere near the UK.

You were horrified when you had been called into your boss’ office to be offered a promotion which required your immediate repatriation back to England.

“What about that role in Amsterdam we discussed? There was also that role in Tokyo since Masuda is leaving?”

“Yes but I think you’ll find this offer much more attractive.”

And you had. These roles came about once in a blue moon, usually because of a retirement (on occasion, it had been due to a person’s demise but no one talked about that). You knew you had to take it but you also knew it meant being back in England which you had avoided for good reason. But, maybe, there was enough distance between London and Manchester. They were not separated by an ocean but a few hours would be far enough. Afterall, his loan should be over by now.

That was what you repeated to yourself, trying to reassure yourself each moment you felt the panic grip you. It worked until you encountered a bus on your way to work one morning with an advertisement for some stupid dating app called Bantr. It was absolutely not something you were interested in but the familiar face on the ad caught your eye. You took a second look and you were immediately confronted with an image of Jamie Tartt in a Richmond kit.

Oh fuck, you might have made a minor miscalculation. You googled him as soon as you were on the tube to work and slumped into the seat when you realised he had signed to Richmond.

Almost nine million people in London, surely you could go without seeing him.

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