#I mean this post itself i was freaking over but im having an okay mental day

[daydream-believin]

MERLIN’S APPRENTICE & MERLIN’S CHAMPION || trollhunters

warnings: swearing

a/n: if rott gave me anything it gave me this idea

I KNOW I SAID “JUICY” BUT REALLY THAT WAS JUST THE ANGST POTENTIAL,, THAT IM NOT INDULGING IN THIS POST IM SORRY LMAO

OKAY WHAT IM REALLY TALKING BOUT HERE IS A GOOD MERLIN/ARTHUR BUT IT ACTUALLY WORKS

no sorry i haven’t seen bbc merlin don’t come for me i’m ignorant

OKAY SO

we know douxie kept an eye on the human trollhunter and co

but douxie’s really having a hard time convincing himself he’s just doing his job

he’s actually enjoying this a little too much despite how boring staying in the shadows is

and he’s kinda worried?

so he’s got this bright idea: you know what would better help him keeps tabs? if he befriends this person

and so he does

fuck merlin’s shadows

sod the rules

ofc he’s very up front about knowing they’re the trollhunter and that he’s merlin’s apprentice

we wouldn’t want that to become a huge festering secret that eats douxie from the inside out until the inevitable reveal when merlin calls them both to help with the arcane order and they realize they’ve both been lying to each other’s faces for months/years and neither of them know if they could ever trust the other again, right? — phew *catches breath*

but before you know it, mr. casperan and mx. trollhunter are best friends

he’s basically the toby to your jim

and you’re very happy to have a best friend like douxie

he understands that monster hunting hustle

he’s the only person you can vent to and actually talk about what’s going on without sounding like a loon

and douxie likes being able to tell someone all his frustrations with merlin, since you’re also in that boat with him

you spar sometimes. it’s fun, but you’re very careful not to accidentally hurt your friend (he’s extremely careful not to hurt you or wound your ego by effortlessly wiping you out)

ofc, there’s the occasional, brushing of hands, faces a little too close together, accidentally winding up on top of one another, purposefully winding up on top of one another 👀 you know how sparring be

you and douxie are a duo. a duo who have become trollmarket’s resident troublemakers, to vendel’s exasperation

you guys tease each other a lot

you do a lot of stupid shit, cause hey, now you have magic armor and a magic sword and a magic best friend, did you think you wouldn’t get up to some shenanigans?

douxie is your impulse control and he’s not a very good one, as he’s just as bad

truthfully archie has the brain cell

and pranks? gods the pranks. you two are always either pranking each other or you’re teaming up to prank some other troll who said smth mean to you in the pub. vendel had to personally put a stop to it (read: chew you out)

doux thinks the world of you tho, you’re such a noble knight, and likes to tell people about how you’re a cinnamon roll, so innocent, so pure

and then they meet you and you directly contradict those statements

trollhunter: i’ve never done anything wrong in my life, ever

douxie: i know this and i love you

(spoiler: you’ve done lots and lots of wrong)

doux spends an awful lot of time slinking around trollmarket now, and he’s in the know for everything that’s happening

(no more being kept in the dark for this wizard apprentice)

and doux knows merlin won’t completely approve of this, but hey, it’s not like he’s helping and thus directly disobeying

really, he’s not helping you at all, it’s really fucking annoying

okay so mayyybe the occasional healing spell. you’ve got those puppy dog eyes he can’t say no to

but you understand his sense of duty, or whatever it is that drives a follower, technically being a follower of merlin yourself

you respect the old geezer (as you have not been turned into a half-troll yet) as a wise mythical figure, and as your best friend’s father

and what a perfect match you are for each other, champion and apprentice, mutually being screwed over by a guy you both think has all the answers

you and douxie help each other grow in your self-worths, that you two are more than the chances merlin has given to you

unfortunately, mortifyingly, you have caught feelings.

douxie has also caught feelings, and is saying nothing yep you have enough on your plate without him putting this on you so he’ll just quietly pine and suffer don’t mind him choking to death in the corner when you take off your helmet and throw back your hair

y’all’s problem really starts manifesting itself as protectiveness. you are really protective of your wizard and he is really protective of his knight

lots of things said that are Not What Friends Say but neither of you really want to be the one to point that out

lots and lots of i love yous that slowly get more and more serious until it’s not exactly platonic anymore

and it’s just really nice to have someone to get coffee (or your favored hot drink) with at four in the morning after a tussle with a troll

and that’s basically how you and douxie spend the bulk of trollhunters, just vibing

as much as you can vibe, with all the changelings and shit trying to murder you all the time

then merlin wakes up and shakes up your world

you are aware of your impending doom

you’re aware of it

merlin keeps looking you up and down like he’s mentally making up the measurements of your coffin

and tbh the idea of fighting gunmar freaks you tf out

and you’re supposed to win that fight?

gods

you’re preparing for your nightmares coming true soon

truthfully you knew your fucking job had a 100% mortality rate

you don’t want to die with regrets

so

you spill

you spill all the things you’d wanted to tell him and how much he means to you and that you couldn’t bear it if you were a goner before he knew

miraculously, douxie feels the same and tells you all the things he’d been holding back and and what you mean to him and how much he wants to protect you, that you’re gonna make it, if he had anything to say about it

and everything is perfect for one night

now you have a real reason to win

not that saving humanity isn’t a big responsibility on your shoulders and definitely A Reason

but knowing douxie’s waiting for you, for the life you’ll build together after this, the peace you’ll both have, it’s absolutely a big motivation to give your all and come out victorious and survive

hahaha loser you don’t know about the arcane order

and then merlin uses your microwave to cook a weird potion

you and merlin are alone in the house, but there’s no real mind games necessary. you may have grown past thinking he was a god, but in the end, you’re still a follower of merlin, and if merlin thinks this could give you an edge, well, who are you to question his methods

doesn’t mean you aren’t nervous as your master hands you the bottle

yet you don’t even hesitate to drown yourself in the black abyss of the tub

whatever it takes amirite?

and now you’re a half-troll

a sexy half-troll, if you do say so yourself

yeah, no ‘i’m a monster’ angst here, you’re loving the power-up

you’ve got to treat it like a cool new power-up or you will cry actually tbh i lied about the no-angst thing a new body is disorienting

your only real concern is douxie

not concerned for long tho, he sees you and the first thing out of his mouth is “nuclear!”

and he senses your concern, so he does go out of his way to assure you that boy, girl, enby, or half-troll, he loves you for your soul, darling

also again half-troll! you is hot as hell so he’s not really losing anything here 👀

he makes sure you know that too, not to let any insecurities fester

him raking his eyes up and down you gives the opposite effect of the dread merlin sent down your spine doing it

anyways,,,

doux helps out a lot more in the eternal night

like helps merlin re-defeat and re-seal morgana

he’ll do it again in few weeks but with a bigger role you know, this is practice

thank merlin for that edge YOU ARE THE LAST TROLLHUNTER YOU ARE VICTORIOUS YOUVE GOT GUNMARS HEAD IN YOUR HANDS HAHAHA

but now you’ve got to go to new jersey

douxie’s been instructed to stay in arcadia tho 🥺

it’s okay, you’ll see each other again soon

sooner than you realize

and until then you talk each other to sleep every night over the phone <3

merlins glad, actually. he’s glad hisirdoux found some solace. even if it is with the lamb he was raising for the slaughter. maybe things will go okay for them. the time map suggests it might be so

hisirdoux may have done things in a way he didn’t quite approve of, but that’s because he’s becoming his own wizard, and merlin is proud

#okay okay i’m done #see you in wizards #douxie x reader #hisirdoux casperan x reader #tales of arcadia x reader #tales of arcadia imagine #douxie imagine #hisirdoux casperan imagine #hisirdoux casperan #douxie #douxie casperan x reader #tales of arcadia #my writing

[xxbig-shotxx]

Is this wretched comic finally over?

THANK GOD FINALLY! It's me again if you haven't noticed, you think I'm some kind of clown preforming for you all? some kind of "Turkish Novella"? Funny because the ONLY clown here is the OP. Body pillows and anime figures, of course you're a anime freak. That explains your blatant misogyny throughout this whole ordeal you called a "fanfiction".

Now I admit okay, maybe I was wrong, maybe you didn't gender them for fetish reasons. However you CLEARLY gendered them because otherwise how could you have women to hate? Name ONE female character that isn't portrayed im a shitty and negative way in this entire fic, can't do it? BECAUSE THERE AREN'T ANY they're all horrible and for literally NO REASON! While the male characters get basically NO HATE or punishment by the fanfiction itself or it's readers when they're arguably worse than the females. You cultivated this anti woman culture around your work and it makes me sick that this is the ONLY reason you gendered them.

On top of that imagine getting someone else to write the meaning of your own God damn story. This just absolutely proves that you are a lazy hack, have no idea what you're doing and does not care about the topics you portray in your writing.

If you did care maybe women and mentally ill people wouldn't be demonized punchlines for you, maybe queer people wouldn't be fetish fodder to you.

SPEAKING OF WHICH you had an entire sex scene NO TAGS no warning and it was gross, unnecessary and uncomfortable, which isn't shocking for an anime fan. But do you know what the worst part is? You could've used that as a perfect opportunity to involve the intersex aspect and be inclusive and yet you made the choice to crack a cheap homophobic joke ON TOP OF being misogynistic. I feel like it was all just to spite me like you've already confessed to doing before because you think this is funny when it isn't.

Your misogynist fans will defend you again and make fun of me for apparently "over reacting" while you do nothing to counter my points because you know I'm right.

Whatever, crack your jokes at me, don't take any of my criticism to heart, live this miserable life of yours, I don't care.

See you next time, Judgemental Anon.

Anyway I played Snowgrave recently did you know the Pipis are gendered ?

Also Snowgrave sucks ass don't let men on YouTube tell you otherwise !

Also JA [ this is your nickname now ]

You seem to read every single post on my page and yet conveniently you've never answered me when I asked if you were into vore and mad at me for trolling the vore community

Kinda sus

#ask #answer

[fiisheyes]

ok here she is dissect me!😘

send help ellie im making no sense this is how i am to my poor friends whenever they decide to talk to me.... ANYWAYS

LEO RISING MAKES SO MUCH SENSE OMFG

i see that the house ruled by your sun sign (7th) is empty in your chart, id like to know how many aspects your venus (also ruled by libra) makes...

scorpio placements are very unique. scorpio is a fixed sign like aquarius, which usually gets the "unique original unordinary" description, but while aquarius is like .. maybe new and a bit jarring, scorpio is a mix of mystery and plain weirdness. but in a cool way i swear. my sibling is like 100% scorpio and they carry a strange amount of power+energy along with them, theyre very weird and unusual, can come off like an asshole (ahem they ARE an asshole, they just have genuine care for others its not in a flippant way) (i dont talk to u all the time ellie but scorpio mercury+ 1h mars (traditional ruler of scorpio) probably makes u come off rude or ull say things in a mean way sometimes (intentional or not)) i am so off topic here but yeah mars in the 1st house people might hate u for no reason at first.... or want to fight u..? alternatively u might RLY hype ppl up like ull be just vibing and ppl r like okay lets fight.

my point up there anyways basically scorpio mercury + venus u like cool weird shit that might not be very mainstream (scorpio has not like other girls energy but not in a desperate way its just like.... idk yall like unordinary stuff) u might be attracted to dangerous stuff or people, u like talking about underground stuff or mysteries.... ugh anyways u probably have very bad taste in people, as ur mutual idk who uve dated irl but the guys u post about are pretty scary so. like yeah theyre all hot but theyre very mentally ill or a bit crazy or theyre rebellious. scorpio venuses r the stereotype of that person who only dates ppl with motorcycles.

i am ramblig too much uh so u have mercury in the 3rd house, thats a house mercury rly likes (its the gemini house, ruled by mercury itself) ur gonna talk alot, mutable mercuries say alot of weird shit, talk too much often, but with that 3h energy u can be really hilarious and that being the house of communication + u being a libra sun u can probably be (*takes 7 minutes of overthinking to decide how to word this in a way that will click with you and explain what im trying to say properly*) fuck basically you talker good. speak well to other people you have a way with words yes. you dont need to be like crazy eloquent or smth but ur probably friendly or if the leo rising has blinded me completely you can at least be friendly when you choose to. ur either extroverted (i get those vibes) or ur one of those introverts where ppl r like 🤨🤨🤨wdym u dont like partying u freak u were out with us last night talking all over us🤨

tbh no clue what to say about 3h venus idk anyone with that placement maybe u like funny ppl or ppl u tease/joke/banter with. u might be attached to geminis or someone with that energy.... u might have an appreciation for the art of communication, humor, or like words or smth idek

i dont want to let myself get into talking about libra suns or ur rising sign especially because i know i will take up 20 pages when this is something u can easily google.... if u havent PLS read about leo risings bc u guys 💕💕mwah also it will stroke ur ego big time n who doesnt love that

... so pluto and saturn can be sort of similar with house positions? saturn is like.. a wise grandpa (whos been thru it all like he knows what its like) who brings u struggles for u to overcome, mature and learn from. pluto is like more about transformation? like saturn is evolving yourself with hardships while pluto is a smack in the face that sends u flying to somewhere else completely but brings tons of growth.. it represents like manipulation and power struggles.. im better versed in saturn than pluto but i want to give this a shot: 4h pluto would suggest issues with your mom. or a mom figure, ir perhaps just your childhood home. you could have gone thru some dark shit growing up, or maybe a motherly figure was manipulative towards you..?? it could also be more about deep feelings or issues with the concept of becoming a parent or family in general. could suggest that even if your childhood was fine, your family might carry alot of pain, a big secret, or maybe theyre just a mentally ill mess tbh. ugh now im conflating this with saturn again i keep on doing that anyways.... u can look into that urself later its probably smth way chiller maybe u can just convince ur mom to do things for u or shes a little strict/controlling idek bestie

i cant say much about your moon because i do not know u...... like i mean ik u but not on a moon sign level... thats like your deep feelings, your subconscious, and ur inner child. as a kid you probably showed alot of capricorn traits, as well as some leo qualities from the 5th house. that is not very helpful because duh.... anyways uh

10th house jupiter could represent luck in public matters, like networking stuff? or jobs.. so maybe youre in the right place at the right time and you meet someone who says they have a spot open at this job u want... or u have a lil bit of charm that saves ur ass when your dealing with an authority figure? like maybe u did something u shouldnt have, and even tho u have that 1h mars (which btw basically means everyone thinks ur hot as hell like that is literally a thig that placement represents) which could make u give off rebellious vibes or smth , 10th house luck +libra sun + 3h mercury possibly conjunct venus (meaning u would have a sweet talking ability) u would totally have the skills to get off the hook.

10th house is saturns house, saturn is about like working hard, 10th house is career, working hard in career yay. you could get very far in whatever public life thingy u do. u might have more self control/be more mature when it comes to 10th house related topics even if at a core u usually would not over other things.

it seems u have a gemini midheaven which is so sexy for u !!! i literally have to go google this for a second bc i want to get the words right for this bc gemini midheavens r ✨✨✨✨

okay this is definitely something u should also look into urself but basically the midheaven represents your public reputation, and how u act with career stuff. if the ascendent is like how people think of you when they first meet u/get to know u, the midheaven is what people who know of you but have not met you or know much about u yet see you. if you were famous this would be your general reputation.

that in gemini ... jack of all trades, u might be known for being funny/flirty, or having an interesting job or maybe jobs plural if you jump around with that. go google this more bc i cant explain it very well but gemini midheavens r like up there as the best midheaven sign

uhh okay last thing you have virgo mars. you probably are very caring to people you likelike, uh mental illness generally ..... i want to go morein depth but i have to go now.... liam gallagher has this.......

OH ALSO i read somewhere that neptune in the 6th house could lead to u romantisicign rly boring or normal stuff but like good for u.

THATS ALL I CAN DO SORRY IT MAKES NO SENSE ALSO THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME LOOK AT THIS ITS COOL

#10/10 birth chart leo risings r^^^ #also the scorpio placements we love it #pluto in 4th + capricorn moon could be very mentally ill in relation to ur parents and ur child hood but idk u!!! so cant say.... #ooh also gemini saturn maybe u have anxietes about how u talk to people or something.... anxious aboit gemini stuff

[popculturebuffet]

Green Eggs and Ham: “Train” Review or A Little Better Now (Patreon Review for Emma Fici)

Hello you happy people and all aboard! We’re back on the Green Eggs and Ham Train for a Train themed episode. Train. As you can tell I like trains... admitely I don’t see enough episodes et on them and I don’t buy books or obess on them but I like the idea of a train, the comfort, the use of a mode of travel that was once common but is now simply used on occasion with the dawn of air travel, and it confining our heroes to a smaller space with limited room to move. it’s good stuff. I even tolerae the band train... I mean yes their music is okay at best, but the lyrics.. are wonderfully delightfully insane. Who else would use a garbage bag as a genuine romantic metaphor?

When last we left off things ere a bit ehhhhhhhhhhh: Sam went from delightfully quirky with some issues ot adress to annoying, and Michelle went from kin dof a bitch ot ENTIRELY THAT BITCH. Outside of Guy’s mental breakdown/heatstroke episode involving hallucinations of green eggs and ham, yes that did in fact happen, it wasn’t much to write home about and I worried the series simply had a good PILOT but the series itself wasn’t going to be fun sit through. 

If I was right or I was rilla.. will have to wait till after the cut. But first as always i’d like to thank the person who payed for this episode Emma Fici. Emma is one of my closest friends and one of two patreon patreons. If you’d like a reivew of your choice eveyr month guarnateed, then please hop over to patreon.com/popculturebuffet and back me at the 5 dollar level. You also get access to my exclusive discord where I ocasoinally post about work in progress stuff and tlak to my falns, to pick a short any time I do one and EXCLUSIVE review, as well as helping me hit my stretch goals. So line up, sign up then join me under the cut. 

So we pick up where we left off with Guy hurtling into a lake. Eh I dunno i’ve heard being naked ina  lake is pretty neat. 

All you’d have to do is take off the hat and your there. But Sam saves him wiht the weird train of hats he put at the end of the car for some reason, and our heroes are saved.. but down a vehicle. Oh and Sam’s vehiclular neglgence costs a bunch of fish their home.

And our heroes are without a car and Guys at the end of his rope with Sam.. I mean granted he’s been there since he met the guy but it’s down to like the tiniest thred, not helped by Sam casually stealing his wallet to pay for train tickets depsite Guy , UNDERSTANDABLY, not wanting to hang out with the guy who has stolen with him, gotten him implicate din animal trafficing and dosen’t really respect personal space. Also it’s taken me embarassingly long to remember Micheal Douglas played my boy Hank Pym in the Ant Man and the Wasp films. Seroiusly I don’t know HOW I forgot that, him being aged up and thus unable to do ANY of the things he is constnatly denied credit for in canon (Founding the avengers, being the first ant man.. and the first goliath and the first yellow jacket and the first giant man.. and the only doctor pym...).. but instead the film kept his troubled nature and ego, but removed the domestic abuse (which is something I will not go into but needless to say the comics version went above and beyond to try and make up for that and redeem himself soley because it was the right hting to do) and by making im older still gav ehim a roll as Scott’s mentor. What i’m getting at is I freaking love Hank Pym and I could’ve been making hank pym jokes for several episdoes now. That’s a mistake I itned to recitfy.. right away as Guy looses his suitcase as a result of it and whie he lcaims not to be bothered his voice says otherwise. Eh i’m sure the world can wait for ultron Guy. 

So anyway, Guy reluctantly agrees to the train travel idea and being parked across from Sam on the grounds he has no real other options. Meanwhile the BAD GUYZ.. and i’ve also decided to drop spoilers as the series is two years old, most people reading this have probably seen the series, and it makes analysis rough when I have to dance around spoilers. So yeah the BAD GUYZ aren’t villians.. kind of a dickhead on the blue guys part, but not EVIL. They figure out their going by train it’s a whole thing.

ON the train we run into michelle again...

Yeahhh for the first half she’s as inusfferable as she was the last two episodes and it lead me to believie the rest of the series was going to be constant suffering as she’d be in every episode, likely because they DID get Diane Keaton for this and you don’t waste Diane Keaton. You just don’t. But while they got their money’s worth in having her on screne wise they just..w asted her for the first 2 and a half episodes: Michelle is a judgemental, unpleasnt suffocating bitch and it’s going to take a lot , even if this episode helped, to make me truly like her as a person. 

Case in point her first two scenes this episode are just.. dragging her daughter past a play place uncarring about her feelings because while I DO get she cares about her child’s saftey and is terrified afte rloosing her husband.. it dosen’t EXCUSE her actions. It dosen’t forgive her locking her daughter up constanlty, not talking to her like a human being and oh yeah PUTTING A FUCKING LOCK ON HER SHE CAN CONTROL.  I mean my god I don’t think they INTENDED for her to come off as abusive as she does, and i’ve seen far worse inteitonally and untietionally, but it’s still not remotely plesant. There is a larger issue baked into that the episode brings about, but we’ll get to that. 

And naturally at breakfast.. she procedes to top herself. ONCE AGAIN she treats guy like trash as guy UNDERSTANDABLY didn’t want to talk to her after her previous layers of bullshit which, just as a refresher, involved insulting his invention constnatly (even if it turned out ot be dangerous she did not know that till the last second) then refusing to help a man BAKING in the desert and mocking him to his face. 

So yeah unsuprisingly instead of you know, APOLOGIZING for that episode or anything else she mocks him again and calls him sad. I just.. I get they were trying to have her come off as a jerk and then slowly develop.. but you can’t overdue the jerk part. It has to be juts the right amount and if it is this much there has to be a commpuance. There is none as far as I can tell because god is a spiteful two faced prick. 

So naturally Sam forces the two parties together, and orders green eggs and ham for everyone, except guy who refuses. We do get a really great bit though as EB turns down the idea and we get a tremendous rant from Micheal Douglas as he talks about how a girl in his clash, veyr likely just him, got a rash from tring new things and you shouldn’t and to watch out for the scarlet beetle he’ll steel your ants and try to conquer your planet and is not a guy in a costume but in fact an actual beetle. EB naturally tries it. 

We get a brief interlude with Snerz that’s funny enough: he outright calls his visotrs flunkies, they enter to the song money, and his minon throws dollar bills at their feet. I imagine this is what visitng Mar a Largo is like. They turn up his noses until he mentions getting a chickarffe for his animal crutelty wall. And i’m torn about Snerz. On one hand he can be generally entertaining in his dickery.. but ont he other I do question why he’s in EVERY episode. We don’t NEED him in eveyr one and I feel he’s only in them because Eddie Izzard was expensive so they had to get him as a regular to justify the cost. We really DONT’ need this scene funny as it is and it adds nothing so far. Maybe i’m wrong and these guys end up being important. I don’t know. 

So yeah so far this episode was miserable getting through and I expected it to be another long sit... I was wrong. The second half.. is really damn good and reminded me why I liked this series so much. No really. We get two stories,both really good following one half of each pair teaming up. As for why their split Guy is annoyed with Sam, as well as dosen’t want him letting the chickaraffe out because you know lots of people dosen’t want ot go to jail and leaves to find a quiet place to work on watching paint dry while Michelle tucks a sleeping EB in, her first really truly humanizing moment, which should NOT have taken three episodes but hey, i’ll take it, and goes to find the same.

So starting with Sam and EB, naturally Sam takes all of a minute to let his buddy out and it gets loose on top of the train. EB hears the familiar sound and gives chase and the two meet properly. After Sam covers for his buddy and realizes the creature is asleep in his car safe now, he properly talks to EB and we get a truly magical sequnece: The two talk with Sam whoelheartdly supporting her free spirit and finally giving the girl what she badly needed: someone who treated her not as something to be tied down but you know.. a child who just wants some expression and as she literally lets her hair down, It’s truly adorable and it just has a magical quanitity as they enjoy the beautiful view from the train top. 

Granted this takes at urn later when EB brings up her mom, and Sam.. supports her mom, pointing out she’s just looking out for her.. which she is but in a deeply unehalthy way and I don’t like the show just.. brushing over Michelle’s terrible actions because “she’s her mom”. But it’s also hard to tell if they are: Sam’s mom left him as we’ll find out, so he likely colors his memories of her rosey and simply envys EB still HAVING hers. It’s not BAD stuff but I don’t like a work saying “You should love your family just beacause your related”. Instead of because they lovea nd support you and if they dont’ love you or treat you remotely well or don’t give an ass about you fuck them. Thankfully I DO love my family and have no issues with them, my immediate family at least, but i’ve had friens with downright abusive or neglectful parents. It’s not that black and white. Ducktales also hammered in the family theme but was transparent in how it can me messy, harm each other and that it took true love and consideratoin for it to work at it’s core. 

It’s still not a terrible scene and what comes next is neat as earlier it was shown the train has loops, because Seussworld, and now that’s a problem because their on top of it. Michelle’s jail braclet thing ends up coming in handy the first loop, as while she can’t unstick it means she and sam can suririvie it. They do get it loose, turns out the password was indeed password, because of course, and they end up narrowly suriving a roller coaster bit of track, with the help of MR. Jenkins who I can finally name because EB names her in the next scene. Understanding her need for a pet, Sam deputizes her, and gets her back in bed in time for the next plot. 

Speaking of which winding back a bit as these two go back and forth, Guy goes through two rather hilarious cars: First a bath car that has a bubsby berkely style water number and then a model train car.. with the train on the track showing guy watching guy watchin gthe train etc. 

It’s great. Guy ends up finding the quiet car.. and Michelle. And in her first scene of acting like a human being and not if julie powers was a soccer mom, Michelle, while standosfish as usual, not only unites with guy to shush a loud guy in the car, but is genuinely apricative when Guy helps her get her place back, she was doing some literal bean counting. 

The two genuinely hit it off, first with some adorable silent bits and then by talking, with Michelle appreciating his now safer job and warming up to him. Keaton and Douglas have GENUINE chemestry and it annoys me itt took the series this long to use that instead of wasting Diane Keaton on being 

It’s really great stuff and i’m actually rooting for the two.. once she gets her shit together obviously. Guy does make the mistake of lying abotu knowing about the chikcaraffe.

This ends up being bad as he finds out EB knows the next day and after she leaves the car RIGHTFULLY tears the fuck into same for getting him accused of crime, stealing from him and now puttin ghim in a precarious situation. While Guy DID lie, he idd so well meaningly and trying to impress someone whose ineherntly judgmeental. Douglas also does REALY well in the scene, calling sam out but it dosen’t feel cruel.. it’s justified. While guy is miserable and does need to work on himself.. Sam also needs to work on himself and is putting guy in serious danger just by forcing him into his animal smuggling scheme. 

So Guy leaves.. and naturally given the unvierse hate shim runs into the BAD GUYZ, who aren’t much better. No really they refuse to belieive guy might be innocent, use excessive force on everyone. They have better GOALS than sam but I woudln’t really call them good people. Smash to black and we’re out. 

Final Thoughts:  This one was better. As I said the first half or rather third drags slightly but once we get to the two seperate plotlines it’s REALLY damn good stuff and reminded me what the series was capable of in character in creativity. Hopefully it keeps this up

Next Time on the Blog: We return to mewni for the penultimate chapter of season 3 as Moon and Eclipsa have some fundemtnal disgareemnts on how to handle Meteora that wind up costing both dearly. 

See you at the next rainbow

#green eggs and ham #guy am I #sam I am #dr seuss #netflix #animation #patreon

[jarchieriverdale]

I'm writing a Riverdale fanfic (Jarchie mainly, with Beronica on the side) which is one of my first proper fanfics ever. Any general tips or maybe even just tips for being brave enough to actually, you know, share it? I'm feeling so awkward about this entire thing!

Can I first start of with saying: so much kudos to you for wanting to put your fic up! Fandoms getting new fics and writers is always a huge YES because we always need more & definitely welcome it ^_^(This definitely ended up being really long, but I made a list further down if you don’t wanna read all my rambling. I’m not sure what specifically you’re feeling awkward about, but I covered a bunch of stuff :))

Reading this I was like, I’m probably not the best person to ask because I have really bad anxiety ?? but then I was like, actually, you know, that’s why I’m probably one of the best people to ask because HOW the HELL do I manage to do this despite that? And honestly it involves a lot of self-talk + bravery + a fuck-it-I’m-gonna-do-it-who-cares mood. And I have a feeling this post is going to be rather long, but I’ll just talk through my own experience and what I’ve told myself, and maybe it’ll help you (or someone else) as well. :D

(I decided to put this under cut IT’S SO LONG IM SORRY (& if you’re on mobile I’m even more sorry t_t) 

I’ve actually been writing stuff for YEARS. I started fanfics in middle school, before that I was writing my own little stories. Little me in primary school and early middle school, so badly wanting to be a writer (I RP’d a lot between 07-10 as well). But I never shared my writing. SOMETIMES with close friends, if I bought up an original story and they were interested I would send it to them. Otherwise, I wasn’t about to share it with anyone. ESPECIALLY not my fanfics when I started. A lot of my earliest have gone unseen by the world (and myself for years). I’m sure this may apply to a lot of people if you’ve written stuff for years, regardless what type of writing it is. I don’t know if you’ve written other stuff before anon, but if you haven’t that’s okay because we all gotta start somewhere & if you want to share it right away that’s one hell of an achievement and damned awesome. On the other hand, if it’s taken a while, that’s great too. Either way, sharing can be one hell of an anxiety inducing situation.

Okay, so when it came to finally posting stuff up, I’d definitely been writing a while, but at this point I knew I really wanted feedback on my writing, and to see if people enjoyed it, so that was a huge factor in me sharing it online. I’d never find out what people thought if I kept it to myself forever. Critique can sometimes be tough (just before my ImperialRemnant account on AO3 I wrote fanfic elsewhere and definitely had “this sucks” reviews - which isn’t so much a critique, but actually being a dick because they weren’t helpful - and definitely had fics that did rather terribly - still do - but it’s all a learning process & you eventually get used to it).

It’s also important where you post it, AO3 would be best of jarchie and beronica, as well as tumblr. Fanfic.net usually does better with gen fics. They’re the only ones I use, although I have accounts on some other sites I still gotta go on.

So I’ll go through things you should remember if you’re nervous about putting up fics (and things I have to remind/tell myself constantly):: 

1. I’ll start with the fact you’ll definitely get reviews/comments/critique like I said previously. But most people are REALLY REALLY nice, so don’t freak out (I tell myself, as I’m trying to rationalise), and I haven’t had anything terrible since making my ImperialRemnant account on AO3 or fanfic.net. And there are always times your fics won’t get any comments at all– and that’s fine too! I’ve had that happen to me, and in the long run, it doesn’t feel like a huge biggy??Also, sometimes people aren’t gonna like what you do and they’ll say that, but that takes me to a second point–

2. It’s not your problem if somebody doesn’t like something. This is really important to know. You wrote the fic because it’s a concept you wanted to write, and something you really wanted to share and that’s amazing. You put tags on everything in your fic, so the person will go in and know what to expect, so if somebody does say something, then it’s like… “it was in the tags/summary? Why did you read this then? Wtf?” then 0% your fault. (Tagging’s important guys! I do find it hard so if you do too then try! You’ll usually be fine). 

3. In regards to quality of fic, there’s definitely is a lot of amazing stuff out there, and that’s overwhelming. But you gotta know, there’s a lot of bad stuff too. I hate to say it, because it’s the nice thing to say all fic is good, but the reality is that’s not true. Your fic may not be the best (hey it may be damn amazing I haven’t seen it xD), but there’s a damn good chance it’s not going to be the worst either. Say to yourself this fic isn’t terrible, it’s fine. Your quality will improve over time anyway when you grow as a writer (Lord forbid there’s stuff from a year ago I published and I’m like… why did I do that…but that brings me to the next point).

4. SOMEBODY WILL LOVE YOUR FIC, I GUARANTEE THIS. I didn’t know this at first but learnt it quickly and have to remind myself EVERY TIME. Even if, later, you’re going “oh god that fic was a dumb idea”, there will be someone, at some point, who will have loved it and enjoyed it and wished there was more. It may just be one or two people but goddammit your audience is always gonna start small, and if it stays that way it will always be worth it for someone (that someone can be yourself too!). The best feeling is when somebody gets excited from your updates (HUGE reason why people should leave comments if they love a fic, because there’s a lot of people who are passive readers even when they love love LOVE a fic & just leave a kudos, definite issue. But I hope as a fandom we can not be like that?).

5. Your writing is not going to be perfect to you, it’ll never be perfect, you’ll be sure there’s a way something could be written better, but maybe you don’t know how to make it better (especially if you don’t have a beta!). I never expect fics, when I go in to read them, to be perfect. No writer is perfect, even properly published writers. You’re going to have to tell yourself it’s the best you can do RIGHT NOW for THIS fic. Put it through an editing program maybe if it’ll make you feel better (I use prowritingaid sometimes?) or leave the fic and go through it later. It’s gonna be fine.

6. Don’t expect much at first. Sometimes first fics can be very successful for people, but there’s a shit-ton of people where this doesn’t happen and it takes a while. When I first put fics up on AO3 they only got less than 10 kudos or something? You will eventually write something that a lot of people may love, but it can take a while. I think… well I’ll give you an example with the Star Wars fandom– I first wrote TFA & Kylux on AO3 before The Force Awakens had even come out, so obviously I didn’t get a lot of attention. When the movie came out, there was few fanfics but I was already there so a lot of people would read my fics (dunno if they liked them, but since they were some of the ONLY ones that existed they didn’t have much choice ;P). If you’re writing fics in a growing fandom you might be more likely get more attention later on your fics, if only because there’s few choices. Some of my fics still have barely any kudos, but I have nearly 60 fics and they’re gonna be a hit or a miss (& they eventually gather more kudos overtime, so even the worst fics have at least a few). With Jarchie, I was actually surprised I got as many as I did, but this fandom’s in the process of growing and I assume a lot of people are reading all the new fics?? It’s probably good for you actually, to right now put a fic when people are reading it and into it. 

6. It gets easier. Man, I ain’t even kidding, the first time I was putting up a fic I was freaking out like mad, going back and forth between the tag, mouse hovering over the publish button, re-reading a billion and ten times. It was ~kinda~ easier in a fandom where nobody was reading the fics because you definitely don’t expect much, but there were a couple of people who definitely enjoyed the series I was writing once I’d put some stuff up. And as time went on, it got much more easier. There’s a huge gap of time I didn’t put any fics up and it was hard to update again, but now that I did it, it’s once again easier to do it. I still have internal battles with myself over it, but it’s quicker to get over it and much easier to win. 

7. I forgot a note so I’m just gonna add it quickly. But if you’re really weird about it, you can first send it to a friend to look over, or a mutual or something. Or, since I myself never could do that, just tell someone about the idea– and I suggest telling someone you know won’t make a negative comment about it. Sometimes a “that sounds interesting” or “that sounds cool” can be even a little helpful. If you’re lucky, might even go a long way.

Honestly, my mind goes through a whole lot of panic, and sometimes it just takes a good mental day, and some excitement about the concept of my fic, to be able to be brave enough to finally put something up. I usually have low expectations when I share it (being a pessimistic person by nature, so as not to disappoint myself), but I’m like… somebody’s gonna like it at some point, it’s not the worst fic I’ve ever seen, it’ll be okay. And if a fic doesn’t do well, then you just need to put it behind and move on (repress memories haha). Leave it up, don’t take it down, somebody may eventually come across it and love it, but there’s no harm done having fics that don’t do well. It might just be that it’s not gonna appeal to most people, and that’s okay.

At the end of the day your fic’s gonna be okay. There’s a bunch of amazing, unique, horrendously weird, terrible, awful fics out there and the last thing you need to feel is awkward. I know this ended up being a monster of an essay but I hope it’s helped, even a little.

tl;dr? No need to feel awkward, sit yo ass down and just fuckin’ do it. Shit’s crazy.

#Anonymous #writing help #feel free to add things #or tell me if it's helped #or just ask me some more questions im willing to answer! #about any writing stuff. Like. I double majored in also writing/literature and have been writing fanfics a while #and seriously guys I love to help i won't bite #I mean this post itself i was freaking over but im having an okay mental day #and the fact somebody's asked me a question I'm just like !!!! #ask

[tumblunni]

I had a really weird dream involving Dr Maddiman. Its a shame i can barely remember any of it and also it seems i woke up before it ended? Like i just had this overwhelming sense that allll the plot threads were gonna be wrapped up any second now and then BOOM awake. So just a whole bunch of random stuff happened with no real explanation at all.

It was some sort of post apocolyptic setting i think? Humanity was in these small isolated cities fighting against some sort of invading army but we never actually saw the aliens themselves. And some part of my brain was like "it makes sense its the same rules as a hairdresser and the design takes cues from a pack of AAA batteries". I have NO idea what that means! So basically everythibg was super vague and undescribed and dream-me just had a sense of already being a long time fan of this series and knowing enough to fill in the gaps. Apparantoy this was some sort of adaptation of a thing id already seen, but id been told the ending was different and more accurate to the manga? Also i wasnt actually a person watching this show i was still the protagonist of the show yet i acted like i'd been reincarnated and relived this week a million times or something

ANYWAY the way dr maddiman comes in is that he was some sort of 'brilliant but dangerous' expert the government had hired to help our fight against the aliens. It wasnt really explained why he was.. yknow.. maddiman. Like is this meant to be that ghosts also exist in this sci fi universe? Was he a half alien hybrid instead of a yokai? Was it just human maddiman with the personality of yokai maddiman due to ptsd...? In any case he didnt seem entirely tethered to the laws of reality and nobody knew exactly how he pulled off all his scientific miracles. He was treated as the only guy who could understand the mindset of the aliens, but that also made him dangerous because he trapped in the delusion of everything being okay and fun and happy and he often did evil things by accident while having good intentions. But they didnt have anyone else who'd cracked the code of the alien weaponry so they had to put up with him. He was just sorta assigned a crack team of secret agents whose job was Be The Old Man's Friend So We Dont All Die. Dont let him realise how the world is all destroyed and such, just play along with his goofyness and try and remind him to do his important work while dancing around why its important. it was super creepy how he was locked up and gaslighted like this!! And he was all 'oh im sure when im done with my ultimate experiment i can go home to my wife and kids' and yeah it was implied here that the same backstory applied :( 'distract the old man and validate his false opinion that his family is still alive and waiting for him' :( poor sci fi madds :(

Oh also for some reason he seemed to be wearing elements of Adventure era Dr Eggman's outfit? But just the general style of the coat and the wearing goggles that he never actually uses. And he had a very warm and cuddly autumnal colourscheme

Anyway i was part of the Super Secret Grampa Cherishing Division whose job was to act as his assistant but also secretly be packing a bazillion weapons to neutralize him if he poses a danger to humanity. But i started to genuinely care for the guy and question the 'any atrocity is permitted for the sake of saving the world' philosophy of my bosses. Also it was just very weird how it was this post apocolypse alien fighting action thing yet i didnt see ANY OF IT cos this story was confined to this one laboratory. It was surreal hearing about all this stuff happening offscreen!

I think Maddiman's main project was some sort of dimensional transport thing using salvaged alien tech? It was just a door in his lab that usually led to a closet but if he got it working itd teleport us straight to the alien base and save the world. And a lot of it wasnt explained but i got this great sense that itd all come together with a great twist ending evebtually but then i woke up before i got that far. Same for the reveal of this maddiman's new sci fi backstory and soooo many other dropped plot threads. Alas!

So anyway: closet. Closet with one of those bead curtain things cos i was thinking about them when i fell asleep. It was supposed to be a teleport but when it malfunctioned it had really scary negative effects warping people's biology and stuff. I remember one of the test subjects was sent in for a five day trip to a specific alternate dimension but then when they came back itd been several years and theyd had to survive in a deadly wasteland and been mutated into a hellbeast. And maddiman had a huge breakdown because he felt like his recklessness and optimism towards this experiment had caused this mistake to happen, and he'd never realized just how awful the consequences could be. He was babbling motor mouth discussing theories for where it went wrong and there was something like 'we'd only tested it for one day trips and assumed that just programming two of them would equal two days but actually with each additional number on the screen it multiplies the days by 3" And there was something about like...the bead curtain was the machine rather than the door itself? Like trying it on a bunch of different doors around the lab to try and find a way to cure this person.

And there was some sort of artificial intelligence computer with the personality of an adorable lil girl, who helped maddiman do calculations and stuff. She missed the mistake in this calculation cos her concept of linear time and the limits of human organs was kinda undeveloped. She only existed within the realm of numbers after all, and didbt even have functionality to record footage of her human friends's faces. No idea wtf a human looks like! So maddiman was lost in his desperate grief of potentially accidebtally killing or at least mentally scarring a person and the government would probably kill them now if they saw they were a super mutant. And he was sobbing and begging this AI to help, his last resort was her maybe being able to see a brainwave that he'd missed. But she was freaking out cos she didnt even fully understand why maddiman was crying let alone what to do to fix it. Eventually she did manage to find a solution theough some simple different logic thing that she had from her perspective as a computer. And that person was saved but still traumatized and maddiman had a moment of realizing just how high stakes everything was and freaking out. He was like 'whats wrong with my head, why didnt i notice that, why was i so reckless, why cant i seem to grasp basic human logic that i need right now" Having a big existential crisis of 'wait how did i even get in this lab, where's my family and why do i seem to have superpowers'. Protagonist mission: hide all the goddamn mirrors to avoid this weird ghostgramp (...aliengramp??) from realizing he's dead (..or an alien??) and losing control of himself. And everyone was running around talking about 'containment procedures' and poor maddiman didnt know that if his panic attack continued he might just straight up be killed for outliving his usefulness. So the protagonist was desperate to help him calm down and it sucked SO MUCH cos they had to lie about his past and weave the web of deception around him again for his own safety. In the end they just hugged him close until he calmed down, and all the other employees were like GASP THEY ACTUALLY TOUCHED THE EVIL DANGEROUS SUPER EVIL MAN and protag was like 'i am 1% away from slapping the next bitch who insults this grandpa'. And it was super depressing cos once he'd calmed down he seemed to start forgetting that anything bad had ever happened?? And he was really panicking and scared cos he didnt understand why he was forgetting, and he knew he had to cling onto something important but he didnt know what. And then five minutes later he was back to haha cheerful nothing is wrong and i love doing my fun science in this room im never allowed to leave. And protagonist was crying the tears that this poor gramp wasnt allowed to cry :(

Also actually i think maybe he was a ghost AND an alien? Like he was a scientist who died in some sort of tragedy back when the aliens first invaded, but along the way he'd been infected so his body got back up as a twisted combination of human and inhuman. And this was something unique to him, like he just happened to have a genetic mutation in his blood that was totally undetectable in life but happened to mix unpredictably with this alien virus to turn him into a hybrid instead of just killing him. So the government was very interested in finding a way to replicate this and create new supersoldiers, as well as just taking advantage of this dude's confused mental state that granted him a unique understanding of alien tech that made him more effective than other scientists. And, of course, also made him easy to manipulate :(

And i also had a feeling that maybe his backstory was mixed up with Adventure dr eggman? Like here it seemed he had a daughter instead of a son, and she had a similar death to Maria Robotnik where she was assasinated by the government he worked for, and it tipped him over the edge. I think Maddiman-alien-scifi-dude originally died trying to save her from being used in some sort of experiment? Like she was already dying of a disease and thats why maddiman took this job to have access to powerful government technology to try and look for a cure. But when the whole alien apocolypse happened, the evil government decided to use her for experiments cos she was 'basically dead anyway'. Theyd just lie and tell maddiman she died of her illness. So this was how they found out that this particular family's bloodline had a mutation that let them form a viable hybrid with alien dna. They were turning this poor kid into a monster in the basement while lying to her dad about her being dead! And maddiman was about to commit suicide from having no reason to live anymore, with the hell of this apocolypse world and the false impression that his kid was already dead. But somehow monster-daughter sensed this or something and broke out of containment to try and save him, and when he saw her he was able to recognise her even in her twisted state. So when the soldiers gunned her down in front of him and fed him some lies about this not being his daughter, he just completely snapped. He tried in vain to fight back and take down as many of them as possible in revenge, but well he was just a simple round dad with no ability to fight a government. So he was unceremoniously executed along with his kid and they shoved the bodies back in the lab to continue testing. "Damn that overemotional science dad, he made us execute our most valable test subject! But at least this way we can analyze his corpse to see if the mutation is passed down on the patrilineal side." But at some point during the fight, monster-daughter's blood had splashed on her dad and gotten into his bloodstream. So the seemingly dead body suddenly got up out of the morgue and started sucking people's blood or something. And this led to the current situation where they have him locked up cos he's a valuable test subject but also hey he has 100% reason to kill all of us and we're screwed if he remembers his past. Also i think the computer AI thing was his subconcious attempt to recreate the personality of his daughter even if he couldnt remember she'd ever existed :(

Anyway at some point things escalated and there was this final showdown versus both the invading aliens and the evil governmebt guys. I think there was some corrupt greedy politician dude who stole maddiman's teleporter tech and sold us out to the aliens cos he wanted money and power or something. And probably predictably the aliens just threw him off a bridge after he gave them the thing, because seriously even this evil army thinks these government dudes are too evil!

So this big actiony event was happening and Maddiman was freaking out like 'no no no i cant leave the lab everyone wpuld be mad at me, i dont even know what its like outside this room' even when he was in the middle of being attacked by aliens. He was forced to face his repressed memories to survive, and he naturally had a massive fuckin freakout! And i think maybe when protagonist character was trying to protect him he accidentally lashed out with his powers and hurt them, and he was so horrified thinking another person he cared about was gonna die because of him. Protagonist was like 'dont worry gramps its just a scratch' but he'd already freaked out and run away into the battlefield to his heavily implied death.

BUT THEN at some sort of moment of dire need, he came back all powered up and re-memoried and was like 'i have every reason to despise humanity but im not gonna let more children die because of these damn corporate monsters (and also literal monsters which are infinately less scary)" And he did some sort of great sacrifice to save the protagonist at the cost of his own life, and it was super dramatic falling from a building into a lake of fire or something. While sobbing and smiling peacefully thinkibg "did i atone for my sins? Will i be able to see my family again?" As his smiling face sunk beneath the flames and the protagonist cried out into the abyss...

Aaaaand then i dont really know what happened in the big battle and i also never found out wtf the solution was to fixing the transporter thing or how the aliens invaded or any of the million plot points that were non gramp related.

I just remember that when we all saved the day and defeated the baddies we found that maddiman had actually survived and it was a big hugs reunion. He was like "OH YEAH i totally forgot i literally already died once and regenerated from it, and this was the entire start to my story. My bad!" *shrugs inexplicably not dead arms*

So yeah in summary im glad my brain summoned up a universe where my favourite sad granddad is literally immortal now, but also why did it torment him with an even sadder plot than his original one

#weird dream tag #the sequence with trying the teleporter curtain on different doors actually took up the majority of the dream #it was ridiculously long and i wish i could slap my brain and be like 'geez save some time for explaining gramp backstory more!'

[twinkletoes-rp]

Wolf’s Rain: Bloodied Chances Ch. 5 - Battle Scars

(Can also read on FFN / AO3 / Previous / Next)

Kiba’s already headed out to take in the moonlight before he sleeps, and Hige’s supposed to follow, but he stops short. He’s frowning thoughtfully at Toboe. After several seconds, he speaks, voice quiet and unsure. “Hey, Tsume?” The silver wolf immediately snaps to look at him, chest tightening. He’s only ever sounded like that when talking about his lost memories and what he did for Jaguara… “I never really…heard what happened with the kid and the old man… I mean, I know he got shot, obviously, but…you know, the specifics.” He bites his lip, looks away. “Toboe told me how you saved him from the guy when you first met, but…” his expression twists in talking about this, but he has to get it out, “…hell, the kid basically stared down the barrels of two guns, the old man’s and Darcia’s, when he died last time… It’s not…” his voice drops even lower, and Tsume’s almost surprised there isn’t a scorch mark on the ground from the heat of Hige’s glare, “…i-it just…doesn’t make sense…”

Tsume watches him for a long moment before he hums on a sigh. “I’m sorry. We should have explained it to you.”

Hige settles cross-legged on Toboe’s other side and smiles gently, hands moving inside his hoodie pocket. “Hey, in your defense, there was a lot going on.” There’s the smallest laughing undercurrent to his voice.

He feels victorious when it actually gets Tsume to smile a little bit. “True…” His eyes drift back to Toboe, and his smile falls, the space between his eyes pinching. “To be honest, there are still some things I don’t really understand myself…but I can guess…”

He doesn’t exactly sound happy about that, but Hige supposes nobody would be in this situation, especially with Toboe being Tsume’s…well, for lack of a more fitting description, best friend. Regardless, color Hige intrigued. “Okay, so…what’re you thinkin’, big guy?”

A small smile coming at the new nickname, Tsume thinks back to the incident. He tells Hige everything he and Kiba saw in taking down Blue and the old man, what Toboe said to him, all of it. He knows Hige would want it, so he goes into as much detail as he can, never mind how the younger man winces at how Kiba quieted Blue. Hige has to know Kiba would do it as gently as he could, though, knowing what she means (meant?) to Hige.

By the time he’s done, Hige looks more than a little pale and horrified, glancing frantically between Tsume and the kid, and it takes a minute before he can get a word past the secondhand panic clogging his throat. “Holy shit…!” he breathes, voice trembling the slightest bit. Tsume can see him curling shaking fists in his hoodie pocket. His gaze travels back to Toboe, looking conflicted and confused. “But why would he…? He could have fought back, could have… I mean, I know he and the old man have a complicated history, but…” Reaching out, he gently brushes his fingers through Toboe’s bangs and long hair with a small sigh. “What the hell happened, kid…?”

Tsume silently studies the way he is with Toboe, then the boy himself. He remembers how reassuring and sure Toboe was with Hige when the older was having his identity crisis in Jaguara’s Keep. Toboe’s always paid attention to things the rest of them don’t, read things in people and their personalities and never been afraid to praise or call them out on them. Hell, the kid did the latter with Tsume when they’d known each other for twenty minutes at best. And back then, with Jaguara, Toboe and Kiba were the only ones really able to bring Hige back to himself after everything. Tsume wishes he could have done more himself, wanted to, but…he’d had his doubts. He wasn’t alone in that, Kiba did, too, but good reasons be damned, he’d pushed and made his concerns more known, and…that put a strain on his and Hige’s relationship toward the end. Luckily, they both did their best to patch it up before they died, and if he really thinks about it...it was only after Toboe’s death that they were truly able to reconcile.

Once again, like pretty much everything good in his life (lives, really), Tsume’s coming to realize…it’s all because of Toboe.

Sheesh… When they first met, he never thought he’d be so lost on the kid, but…well, here he is. But if he’s being honest? He wouldn’t change a single damn thing about it. Any of it.

“So…you said you had theories…” Hige’s slow, thoughtful voice snaps him out of his thoughts, and Tsume tunes back in to find Hige staring at Toboe as well. He must have been thinking, too. Good. Otherwise, well, it might have been awkward. Permission to keep going, even begging, is more than present in his packmate’s tone.

Tsume nods stiffly, still a little startled to be back in reality and not quite sure how he’ll take his ideas. “Y-yeah…” Gaze shifting back to their youngest, Tsume takes a breath. “Have you…ever heard of something the humans call PTSD?”

Hige raises an eyebrow at him, mouth scrunched up in thought. “I don’t…think so… Why? ‘s it some kinda food?”

Tsume can’t help but breathe a sudden laugh at that, caught off guard, but not surprised. “No, dumbass,” he says, cuffing the other wolf upside the head gentler than he normally might. Hige smirks a trifle despite their conversation. Sobering, Tsume’s fingers ghost over Toboe’s wounded leg. He’s never wished for healing magic before, but he’d take some of Cheza’s right now gladly. Hell, even that Cher woman’s medical advice would be appreciated. “According to some of my men, it stands for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. They said it’s like a kind of…sickness in the brain some people develop in response to severe trauma. It usually mostly affects those who’ve fought in or been victims of war or some other kind of mass tragedy, but it can get to other people, too. One of my underlings was mauled by a dog as a kid, scarred physically and mentally, and whenever we came across one, he’d royally freak out. He shot one once, tried to shoot us when he lost his head completely. We’d have to drag him out of there after we managed to calm him down, if we could. If not, we did it kicking and screaming, fighting us all the way. And that’s even if we could get close enough to touch him at all. It got pretty dangerous, even for me.”

Hige’s quiet, listening intently all the while. He doesn’t really know what this has to do with Toboe, but…maybe the old man? Or both? Either way, he trusts that Tsume’s getting there. This is about Toboe, after all.

“They said he definitely had it. But they also said it could manifest in different ways, too. It could be a silent, frozen kind of freak out, wide-eyed and trembling and possibly hurting themselves without realizing. They’ll be there physically, but mentally, they’re reliving the trauma. Breaking out of it is like…being able to breathe again when you’ve been drowning…”

Hige watches him carefully. If he didn’t know any better, he’d say Tsume talks from experience—or maybe he’s just reading too far into things. Whatever the case, his gaze zips back to Toboe, from his face to his leg and back. “So you think, the way he died, it might have— He might have— And the old man, too?”

Tsume hums in confirmation. He’s catching on quicker than he thought. “That’s my working theory, anyway.” He holds up two fingers, ticking them off as he goes. “The old man has the first kind, the violent one. Toboe…” he clenches a fist so hard that his knuckles pop, nails almost break skin, “…well, from what I saw…he has the second…”

There’s a kind of tense silence that settles here, both of them staring hard at Toboe with guilt and frustration and a particularly painful kind of devastation playing in their chests. Outside, having heard every word, Kiba feels it, too.

“Damn it…” Hige hisses, and Tsume glances over. He’s looking at Toboe with such sad, angry eyes. “I wish…I wish there was something we could do for ‘im… More, you know? I wish…” He gets that look in his eyes that tells Tsume he’s remembering his own trauma at the hands of Jaguara, and it curls something so startlingly painful in Tsume’s gut that he can’t help but want to stop it in its tracks.

Reaching out, he lays a firm hand on Hige’s shoulder. “Hey.” The younger wolf turns at the deceptively stern tone of voice, the gentleness underneath drawing his attention. He’s shocked and maybe a little helplessly awed to see the calm, confident smile on Tsume’s face. “Don’t look so defeated.” Gaze moving back to Toboe, he squeezes Hige’s shoulder. “If he was alone,” like he was when Tsume first found him, “maybe we should worry. But he has us,” has Tsume, “and he knows we won’t let anything happen to him.” Not again. A gentle thumb strokes a bead of sweat from Toboe’s cheek. “We can’t change what happened before, but we can make sure history doesn’t repeat itself. If he needs us, we’ll be there, and that’s what matters.”

Hige blinks, Kiba’s smiling proudly outside, and then the younger wolf breaks out into a bright, toothy grin that has the set of Tsume’s shoulders easing. Thank Paradise for that. “Yeah, for sure! Thanks, Tsume!” He laughs. “You know, you’re sounding more and more like Kiba when you get all wise like that!���

Tsume raises an eyebrow at that last part before he huffs a laugh, smirking. “Yeah, maybe. Just don’t tell him that. He’ll get a big head.”

Hige snorts, brushing himself off as he moves to stand. “Sure. Whatever you say.” Softening for a moment in meeting Tsume’s eyes again, voice following, he says, “Seriously…thanks for explaining everything. I think I understand things a lot better now.” He looks back toward Toboe, melting all the more. “Take care of the runt for us. We’ll be right outside if you need anything.”

Tsume nods. “No problem.” He smiles fondly. “Don’t worry, I’ve got him. I’ll wake you to change his bandage in a few hours. Thanks, Hige. Now go get some sleep before we’re both up all night.”

Yawning, the younger wolf heads out the door with a lazy wave. “G’night.”

As promised, Tsume does wake Hige to redress Toboe’s wound and change out his towel around midnight, and as he also promised, Tsume does do his best to get some sleep afterward. It’s a bit restless and light, under the circumstances, but it’s still a good sleep, and he’s grateful for that.

“No! Granny, wait!”

But somewhere before dawn, that shatters.

Toboe’s frantic, tearful shout startles Tsume awake instantly, gasping sharply and automatically reaching for his knife before he realizes what exactly woke him. The second he does, he’s focusing all his attention on Toboe. The boy’s tossing and turning, blankets halfway thrown off, and his breathing and heart rate are through the roof. He’s drenched in sweat, there are tears running down his face, and his twisted, grieving expression is like multiple punches to Tsume’s gut. “Toboe…”

Hesitating before reaching over to take his hand, Toboe’s fingers twitch at Tsume’s touch before recognizing and welcoming it, threading their fingers together. Tsume can’t help the light blush that covers his cheeks at that, softening, then squeezing. He wants to tell him it’ll be okay, but he doesn’t know if that would be the right thing to do. When Gehl was sick like this and had nightmares, the others always told him it was safer to let him ride it out. He didn’t really understand then, still doesn’t now if he’s honest, but those guys treated Gehl like a little brother, so he trusted their judgment. He still does. He’ll trust their advice now, too.

“G-Granny…” Tsume snaps back to the present at Toboe’s small, sad voice, wincing when it cracks. “I-I never meant… I-I just wanted to—to show you I loved you…t-that I was excited to see you and eat with you, but I… A-and Leara…your bird, I…I-I was just trying to…to impress you, I didn’t… B-both of you…I-I’m so sorry… S-so sorry…”

Tsume’s ears perk at that, finding himself leaning forward a little. He’s always had his suspicions, ever since Toboe first told him about his Granny. Then the incident with Leara’s bird pushed them along a little more, when he wanted to stay behind with those nomads in the desert even more, and finally…with how he died… Well, honestly…if he’s right about what he thinks this is, he can’t say he’s really surprised. Horrified and crushed for Toboe’s sake, but…God, he understands. Probably better than anyone else could.

“I never meant to kill anything…” It’s a broken, guilty whisper, so much that if Tsume weren’t a wolf, he’s not sure he would have heard it, let alone made it out. Part of him wishes he didn’t. “I-I’m so sorry…”

And there it is. That first line Tsume’s heard before, back in the old world after he rescued Toboe from Leara. Now that he has all this, too…it’s as good a confession as any. A lot of things are making a hell of a lot more sense now. Not that he’s happy about it. Of course not. He’s always known how Toboe struggles with hurting people when he doesn’t mean to. Hell, Tsume himself struggles with it, too—a few accidentally-violent exchanges with the boy in question in that once-warzone from the old world come to mind—and he’s almost sure, knowing how perceptive Toboe is, the kid has his own suspicions about that in relation to his past.

But having suspicions and knowing they’re correct…those are two very different things. Especially when they make the silver wolf upset for two colossally different reasons.

“B-Blue…” Tsume jumps in surprise at that name, narrowing his eyes in confusion, “…I-I couldn’t protect Pops…” He grimaces and curls his free hand into a tight fist, glaring at the ground with gritted teeth. Oh…that’s why… “Y-you asked me to look after him for you…I promised, a-and I tried, I swear…but I…I-I still let ‘im die—!” He flinches at that sobbing break at the end, swearing his heart can’t take much more. It’s shattered enough already as is. “P-Pops, I…y-you forgave me…l-let go of your hatred, in the end, but…I still can’t…” Forgive himself. Yeah… Tsume knows how that feels, too… “Y-you held me…in the snow and when we were dying…” Tsume bites back a whine, “…and we were so happy…” Toboe gives another hissing sob. “I-I’m so sorry I couldn’t—! I-I wanted to—!”

The tears are coming faster now, and Toboe has to take a few seconds to catch his breath. Tsume’s almost glad. He has to remember to breathe entirely. A part of him wonders why the other two aren’t here (he’s sure they’re hearing every word), but he knows it’s probably half that they don’t want to crowd the poor kid and half that Tsume will be the best at comforting Toboe. If he needs them, though, he knows they’ll come running.

“I don’t deserve your forgiveness…any of you…” Toboe whispers, and Tsume swears his heart stops. “Pops and Blue…you don’t remember anything… Y-you tried to kill me… T-there was no Granny here…or Leara…her bird… I…I-I was so alone—!” The end snaps off with a devastated sob, and Tsume rests his forehead against Toboe’s hand he holds like a lifeline, squeezing his eyes shut as a violent shudder runs through him. He can’t bring himself to be surprised when a few tears slip down his face. Jesus, kid…! The quietest, most sacred part comes last. “Is this…i-is this my punishment…?”

Oh… Okay, that is it!

There’s a choked sob, desperate and pained, and the next thing Tsume knows, he’s hugging Toboe tightly, pressing his forehead into his chest. “Okay…” he growl-breathes, low and guttural, halfway sobs; he supposes even he has a breaking point, “…okay, kid… That’s enough…please…” He doesn’t think he can take any more, but more importantly, he doesn’t think Toboe himself can either. “I don’t know if you can hear me…but if you can, I need you to listen…you hear me…?”

Toboe, despite his still-flowing tears, is quiet, brow pinched. His head has stopped moving, is essentially facing him. Tsume takes that as cue enough to keep going. He just hopes he can get through to him.

“You’re wrong… You’re wrong, damn it…!” He shakes his head vehemently, not caring when the sweat soaking Toboe’s clothes wets his face and hair. He’s here and warm and alive. That’s the most important thing there is. “No one blames you for anything…! No one is punishing you for anything…!” How can Toboe even think these things?! Why wouldn’t he tell him?! The idea alone makes Tsume want to either be sick or tear something apart. “You can’t control fate… You can’t control what the universe brings you and what it takes away—!” All he can think of is Toboe being both for him, and it makes him choke on a sob. “The only thing you can control is what you do with your life, and none of what happened before was your fault! Not a damn thing! You did the best you could! That’s all anyone can ask, you hear me, runt?!” He and Toboe haven’t talked about their lives in this world before they all met up and regained their memories, but he will as soon as he thinks it’s appropriate because, damn it…he is having a word with fate if it fucking kills him! “I promise you, Toboe…you will never be alone again! You have us, you have me! You don’t ever have to question that!”

He almost jumps when Toboe’s free hand comes up to touch his apparently-trembling shoulder, frozen as it moves up and up and up until…he melts as it starts to stroke his hair. Oh… He felt violated when Cheza did it in the old world, asleep or otherwise, but…he’s entirely conscious here (though he realizes he’d gladly fall asleep like this) and feels like he’s in Heaven… Figures it’d be because of Toboe…

His voice melts in kind. “Granny loved you, Toboe… She loved you so much, and she knows you’d never hurt her on purpose… Leara knows you didn’t mean to hurt her bird by now, I’m sure… Blue and the old man… You did keep your promise to her, Toboe… You kept the old man as safe as you could, died to protect him, and you…you are the one who turned him around in the end… That was all you, kid…!” Toboe’s tears have slowed immensely by now, lower lip trembling in touched shock. “I know, if she were here with all her memories, she’d say the same thing. Probably a hell of a lot better than I am right now…”

He breathes a laugh, moving to rest his ear over Toboe’s heart. Wouldn’t you know…? Playing his favorite lullaby… Now he’s really a goner… “Even if this world is different and new, and people we knew before aren’t the same…we’re all together, we remember, and we will reach Paradise this time. I can feel it.” A heartbeat, two. “And until then, I’ll keep you safe from the nightmares, Toboe…” he whispers, swears, into the dark. “Just trust me… Trust me like you always have...”

Because he knows, even if Toboe doesn’t remember the story he told his body, how big of a deal trust is for both of them.

Toboe’s heartbeat is steadying more and more as the seconds pass, his breathing evening out, too, hand in silver hair slowing. Tsume would look up to see if he’s stopped crying for sure, but…well, looks like those hair and heartbeat tricks worked a little too well. He smiles in his almost-sleep, adjusting their positions so he’s lying beside Toboe and carefully curling the boy close to his chest. Toboe, apparently intent on holding his hand like his life depends on it, turns to nuzzle into his chest farther than he usually would and curl a light fist in his shirt. Tsume breathes a laugh and, after blindly fixing the towel on his forehead, tucks the boy’s head under his chin.

“Night, Toboe…”

#Wolf's Rain #Wolf's Rain fanfiction #Toboe #Tsume #Quent Yaiden #Any feedback would be much appreciated #Just FYI this isn't Tsume/Toboe but if you want to see it that way hey I can't stop you Tsume's just really scarred from losing Toboe #doesn't want to hide how much he cares anymore (at least not as much)

[edrecoveryprobs]

RE: Anons (finally!!) 1-8

In this post:

#2: How to handle surgery-related diets

#4: our fave recovery blogs

#5: dealing with bullying about vitiligo

#8: Recovering through the transition to college + how to challenge romanticizing ED thoughts

[CW behavior mention]

1. hi, sorry to bother you but I'm nervous I might have an eating disorder? I've been hospitalized for malnutrition in the past, but I just wasn't eating enough. the behaviors now are like binge purge restrict so on so on. I've been eating about [x] calories a day now because I want to lose weight without binging/ purging. should i tell someone about this, or is this normal?

FAQ #3 but yes definitely tell someone who can help!

2. I have to have a endoscopy/colonoscopy in a few weeks, and the prep for it has me completely on edge. In order to have the procedure done, I have to eat a restricted diet for a week, not eat for [x amount of time], and then take a super powerful laxative. My doctor also recommended I go on a weight loss diet, even though I'm still at a healthy BMI. After being recovered for several years, I've been struggling with a relapse, and I'm afraid that this will push me over the edge. Any tips on how to deal?

Sorry this is so late! Here’s advice for anyone else in your situation.

First, tell your doctor! Ask which elements of this are most important, and which can be worked around. Your ED is a complicating condition, so they should really know about it -- they’re treating YOU, not just your colon.

Second, give your laxatives to someone you trust, preferably someone who lives with you. If you can, enlist their support with mealtimes as well. If you get really sad at the end of the meal bc you can feel yourself falling back into that old place, that’s okay. Have them remind you that this is temporary, and that food is not as black-and-white as your ED wants it to be. Cede responsibility for figuring out your intake to this trusted person. Also -- make sure no one lets you know your weight at any point! Perhaps they can tell you when you’re back at your normal weight but that’s it!! The less you can obsessively track, the better.

Third, get into therapy NOW. Once this diet is over and everything gets quiet is when the ED stuff really starts to hit. I find that usually my recovery phase is ½ as long as my restrictive phase if I’m in therapy, and 2x as long if I’m not.

Fourth, acknowledge that this is unusually difficult and that struggling with a difficult thing doesn’t negate all the work you’ve been doing for years. You’ve built a solid foundation that has a good chance of keeping you stable through this rough time, and even if that starts to crack you have those same foundation-building skills to get it back to good.

I hope things went well for you <3

3. your blog always makes me feel valid and safe. thank you.

You’re so welcome! I’m glad it helps <3

4. Hey!! Do you know of any other positive recovery blogs? Im too scared to look in the tags bc they're full of pro ana things :( I love your blog, thank you!!! ❤❤

Fyoured was my fave, idk if they’re still active though! There’s also scienceofeds but that’s mostly summarizing current medical literature on it. Edreocoverystarfish and clinicallydepressedpug are also great! You can also check out our reblog tag

5. I've been suffering from vitiligo practically my whole life and it's something that affects me both psychically and emotionally. My brother often makes fun of me because of it, his favourite name for me is ''Michael Jackson"

That’s so shitty of him. If it helps, siblings tend to be rather shitty as they’re growing up, because it usually takes like 15-20 years to learn the basic emotional skills it takes to really be there for someone you love. Some people (especially masculine-identified people because of the social penalties associated) take longer to learn or never do at all. That’s not your fault.

For what it’s worth, siblings tend to make fun of whatever your biggest insecurities are, because humans learn how to affect others’ emotions before they learn how to affect them positively. Mine was acne for a while, especially since I struggle with dermatillomania (skin-picking) -- my siblings would wait for a Papa John’s commercial of a pepperoni pizza, point to it, and say “hey look, it’s Selena! HA HA HA!!”. My sister was really insecure about her hair being parted exactly down the middle, so my other sister and I would make fun of her for that. What I mean to say is, it’s not about the vitiligo. It’s about your brother not having learned yet how to NOT be a rude little shit.

Also, there’s no absolute that different colored patches of skin are ugly or bad. Calico cats are so cute! Freckles are adorable! Winnie Harlow is so talented! Find reminders in your life and/or online that different isn’t bad, and that this difference can be jaw-droppingly gorgeous or heart-breakingly adorable or lovably cute. It’s all about how you wear it.

And finally, know that love is always a choice -- including self-love. Rather, it is a combination of tons of small choices. Am I treating myself with love? Do I talk to myself lovingly, the way I would talk to a friend who was in my situation? Do I appreciate what my skin does for me, pigment or no pigment? Am I cultivating a life full of things and people that validate that love? It’s hard at first, it always is, but once you start it becomes a really awesome habit. Here is a great place to start (adjust pronouns as appropriate).

Sending you lots of love <3

[CW poop mention]

6. Hi, this incredibly embarrassing, but I recently experienced some personal trauma and so I am having problems with eating... Mostly restrictive and the inability to swallow some foods. However, I am having some digestive problems, mostly issues with skid marks. I was wondering if this is common and if there is a remedy for it... This is the first time I have experienced something like this. Sorry.

First, I really honestly don’t think anyone goes through their life without ever getting skid marks lol so you’re not a freak at all. I get them from time to time and I don’t really have digestive problems. Usually it just means I need to eat more fiber or adjust the balance of my diet. Also, this might sound weird, but anal kegels might help! The anal ring is all muscles, after all, and if restricting is a problem then all muscles have probably atrophied a little bit, including those. And finally, it might just be bad toilet paper. There’s lots of kinds that are practically useless and turn into a pulpy mess instead of doing their damn job. If you’re at home, consider getting stronger toilet paper (2-ply etc) or carrying baby wipes in a purse or backpack. Black underwear can also help with the insecurity aspect.

7. I love your blog so much! It helps knowing what other people are going through while making it a little humorous. Stay awesome!!

:D will do!

[CW romanticizing relapse, negative body image] 8. I have been battling with my ed for [x amount of time] now. In [y]th grade I got so tiny, I felt so pretty. I had never been skinny until then. I gained a lot of weight from being on so many medications, and now I am at an average weight but I am so unhappy with my body. I still struggle with purging and skipping meals. I start college this fall and I am terrified that I am going to let ana control me since no one will notice. I just want to feel beautiful and I know I wont until I'm tiny…

Something I’ve been going through recently is trying to lovingly remind myself when these thoughts pop up: I’m not believing this stuff because it’s true, I believe it because I’m literally crazy. It’s somewhat counterintuitive, but those beliefs can really take ahold of you if you take them seriously. But it’s just a symptom of the mental illness you know you already have. It’s like if you were prone to visual or audial hallucinations -- they feel real. They look real. They sound real. Of course you’d believe there are lions chasing you right now, because all of the senses you usually trust are indicating that that’s true. But also, if you can use the knowledge you have to try to see past them, you can actually interact much better with your environment.

Facts: you feel unhappy with your body. You still struggle with disordered behaviors. You start college this fall. College represents a big challenge to your ability to keep ana under control.

Beliefs: I can’t feel good unless I am thin. I can’t help but do what my ED says. I must keep this all a secret. I can’t get any help.

In the past 5 years, there have been times you’ve felt happy. Even when you weren’t thin. State memory means it’s hard to think of times you’ve felt differently, but it’s just a fact about human brains that we can’t feel one feeling for very long without switching it up.

Also, I guarantee you that you weren’t happy then. It’s so easy to romanticize thinness -- we see thinness romanticized literally ad nauseam -- but it’s such an empty feeling to be stuck in your ED. It’s so hopeless. It feels so crappy to walk into a restaurant with your friends, to see them all laughing and having fun when all you can think about is how terrifying it is to order food and how much you want to run away. When I really think about how awful each moment is with an ED, how I’m constantly either freaking out about eating or dreading the next time I’ll have to eat, how I had to numb myself constantly because reality felt so bleak.... Thin just isn’t worth it.

And let’s be clear: thin isn’t pretty. It’s just thin. Thin people CAN be pretty, but so can people of size, and so can very muscular people, and so can people whose body shape is more average. And eating disorders will make you thin at the expense of everything your body needs to maintain itself. It’s like insisting that houses are only thin if they have columns out front, so you hack off the front door, peel off the siding, pry up all the furniture, and stack up this pile of garbage to make some columns. You’re better off with a column-less but functioning house than one full of holes and empty inside.

Before you get to college, look up the mental health resources. Sign up for counseling through your school ASAP!!! Counseling tends to fill up as midterms approach, so this way you’ll be covered in case things go downhill later. Also, TELL people you trust. This you must do even if everything in you screams not to, because everything in you will scream not to, because your ED brain is actually trying to kill you. The more trusted people you tell, the less you have to fight it on your own, and the more resources you have to fight it. ALSO, see if there is an ED support group or a body positivity group on campus. Being around people who can gently call out disordered thoughts is a huge relief! And finally, explore other things that make you feel beautiful. Some people like makeup, and seeing how much of appearance is just illusion. Some feel beautiful when they know that they are strong and agile. Experiment with your clothing. Cut or dye your hair. Now is the time to test out different styles, and those are so much more fun to work on than calorie counting.

Lastly, you have more to do than be tiny. Mice are tiny. 5 cent candies are tiny. Pinky toe nails are tiny. What can you do that’s new? That helps you learn? That’s helpful? That’s exciting? Ana ignores all of that because of an obsession with BEING one thing. But ana doesn’t know shit about all the weird, cool, funny, wild stuff you can do. Show her what she’s missing.

Best of luck to you, and if you find yourself struggling in college don’t be afraid to message us back. We’re here for you throughout your recovery process <3

#surgery #laxatives #recovery and college #vitiligo #fanmail #skid marks #anonymous #ask

[inuykago]

hey can you write analyses about inuyasha. Like your opinion on who inuyasha loves more? and why you think so? And maybe share all your feels about inukag on certain episodes! Definitely want to hear your opinion since you're watching it for the first time! I really enjoy your blog!

im so flattered by this ask & so so happy you enjoy my blog T-T

i’ve been thinking about this alllll day so here goes it!

so first all, i think Inuyasha is sucha great, great show. It takes a lot for me to really get into a show, let alone create a whole blog dedicated to it, and inuyasha was really able to grasp my attention within the first episode. I either like or dislike a show, and i freaking LOVE inuyasha. The characters are so dynamic and different and all such bad ass bitches in their own ways, and i LIVE for that! and of course the ships in the show makes it 1000000x better. Though there are a lot of episode and people may find that to be dragging, i think it’s really great bc the show preciously shows the story line and doesn’t let its viewers miss out on any detail. Whether it’s just one line or an entire scene, inuyasha really knows how to keep its viewers interested.

Before I give my opinion on who I think Inuyasha more, I think it’s really important to first show I analyze both Kikyo and Kagome (based on what I’ve watched which is up to season 6 so far).

So, let’s take a look back at Kikyo - Kikyo was obviously taken away by Inuyasha, as we saw in the flashbacks, she spent quite sometime with inu, whether it was to seriously talk or just take a simple stroll. From what I’ve seen so far, Kikyo’s love for Inuyasha is much more mature and serious. Kikyo knows what her duty in life was, and that was to protect the sacred jewel. Kikyo and Inu talked more on serious terms, while of course, also enjoying each other’s company, which made both of them forget about their worries and flaws for awhile. She tries to convince Inu to use the shikon jewel to make him fully human. Not only did Kikyo want this as a way to be with him for eternity, but also because she wanted to settle down. She wanted to settle down with someone who has made her feel much differently than ever before. Kikyo wanted to spend the remainder of her life with Inuyasha, and help him grow and just embrace in one another in what they are - a priestess and half-demon. They were defying all odds and both her and Inu fell in love with that. Kikyo wanted Inuyasha to grow up, but to also grow old with her. 

Now, Kagome, despite being Kikyo’s reincarnation, is much more different than Kikyo and I think that has to be one of the most beautiful parts to this “love triangle,” if you will. Finding Inuyasha pinned to the Sacred Tree in the Feudal Era was, obviously, life-changing for her. She was confused, curious, and also a bit scared. However, after Inuyasha saves the village from a demon, I believe she finds herself feeling more safe. Though Kagome didn’t realize it, she had already developed a little crush - a little baby crush. But this soon turns into an innocent, childish love. Not childish like immature, but childish like new and unaware. Kagome loves Inuyasha and yearns to be by his side to experience new adventures, new feelings, new knowledge, and just have fun. Kagome wants to experience everything first with Inu. However, despite her love that runs so deep, she is mature enough to understand that Kikyo will always by Inu’s first: his first love. Though this breaks her heart, she swallows her pride and embraces Inuyasha’s decision to pursue Kikyo first and forth most. Her love is so genuine, she just wants the chance to experience life by his side, even if that means Inuyasha doesn’t reciprocate that same desire.

Therefore, I believe that Kagome loves Inuyasha more (if that wasn’t already obvious lol). I cannot fully express the amount of love Kagome has for Inuyasha. It takes so much courage, understanding, and LOVE to be able to watch the person you love, basically, love someone else and, subconciously, puts you to second-best. As I previously explained, Kagome wants to experience life with Inu by all means necessary. She lives for the arguments, laughter, and danger that comes their way. She knows that though he still has feelings for Kikyo, Inu would never hesitate to protect/save Kagome, and that’s what puts her mind to ease. Her innocent, childish, yet mature love for Inuyasha is impossible for me to ignore because it’s so much more than just “love” itself.

So, if you see all my posts, you’ll obviously see how i go completely berserk when an inukag moment happens, even if it’s for a split second, my heart literally cannot contain itself. Since there are sooooooooooooooooooooo many inukag moments/episodes, I’ll just talk about my top three that I can remember off the top of my head for now!

Season 1, Episode 1-2

of course i had to mention the ICONIC episode(s) that started it all. When i first watched the episode, I didn’t really know what to expect. I used to watch the show when I was younger, but I was like 6 so of course I had no idea what was going on. So let me tell you, how messed up I am now when Kagome saw Inuyasha, on that tree, all helpless, but yet “sleeping” so soundly….I’M REAL MESSED UP. When she reaches for Inu’s lil doggy ears it hurts me so much because I love his lil doggy ears and how he wiggles it around when he hears something or people talk about it. Just the mere fact that Kagome pulled out the arrow out of him (((EVEN THO EVERYONE TOLD HER NOT TO BECAUSE HE WILL KILL EVERYONE))) just makes me really want to punch myself in the face or something because even she knew!!! she had to do it!!! And then as the episode goes on and Inu keeps calling her Kikyo i’m honestly like “really man” and of course it’s understandable why Kagome gets so uptight about it. But that whole thing is the first-hand example of how Inu cannot forget Kikyo. Anyways, when Lady Kaede puts the spell on Inu and gives him a necklace that can’t be taken off and thus the infamous “Sit!” comes in…. dude, when inu just sits there all sassy because he can’t do anything it melts my heart lmao. Then of course in the following episodes Inu and Kagome have to team up to find the shards after Kagome accidentally shatters it, and thus INUKAG IS BORN OUO

 Season 2 Episode 48

Okay, let’s be real here. This episode is/was the actual source of my TEARS. LIKE!!!!!!!! As soon as I realized that Kagome was going to end up seeing Kikyo I was screeching my poor precious Kagome her innocent precious eyes, I didn’t NOT want her to see that T-T But so she did, and my heart was ripped out yet again… When Inu hugged Kikyo and says that he’s the only who to protect her, I was both sad and mad but more sad because !!!KAGOME!! and then when he turns around and sees Kagome and he looks at her with those precious little puppy dog eyes….all the feels man…. all the feels…. Then when Kagome goes back home and thinks about Inu and Kikyo and wishes Kikyo didn’t exist I FELT THAT like spiritually mentally physically… Then later on in the episode when Kagome decides that it’d be best to never go back to the feudal era and give back the shards and forget about Inuyasha and all I literally started crying. I was in my school library and I was crying in my cubicle. but OK AT THE END WHEN INUYASHA AND KAGOME TALK AND I FELT THE TENSION AND EVERYTHING AND KAGOME EXPRESSED HOW SHE UNDERSTANDS THAT INU WILL ALWAYS HAVE FEELINGS FOR KIKYO, BUT SHE STILL WANTS TO STAY BY HIS SIDE AND HOLDS HIS HAND AND THEY WALK TOGETHER!!!!! LIKE!!!! THAT IS WHY IM SO FOR INUKAG AND KAGOME IS A BOSS ASS BITCH. SHE IS SO MATURE AND LOVES INUYASHA SO DEEPLY AND JUST WANTS TO LOVE HIM AND LIVE LIFE WITH HIM AND MAKE SURE HE’S HAPPY AND OUT OF HARMS WAY AND JUST BURY ME WITH MY SHIP

Season 4 Episode 89

Let me just say that i freaking LIVE for episodes that take place in the modern dimension, because I know Inuyasha will always find his way into there because Kagome always gets back “late” (yeah ok or he just CANT STAND NOT SEEING HER) and Inuyasha in modern day is so adorable because he’s so lost and clueless and so used to fighting demons and monsters that he doesn’t even know what it’s like to walk in a city and i just LOVE it. Anyways, the tHING THAT REALLY GOT ME IS HOW OK HOJO ALWAYS GIVES KAGOME FOOD AND FRUITS TO CURE HER “ILLNESSES” BUT IN THIS EPISODE INUYASHA DOES SOME OF HIS OWN HUNTING AND GATHERING AND GETS INGREDIENTS FOR KAGOME AND BRINGS A GIANT LOAD OF IT BACK TO HER HOME AND HE MAKES IT AT HER HOME AND JUST T______T I CANNOT. Then at night when he pat Kagome as she fell asleep and he watched over her and looked through her photo album, i was living and i was loving it. Like my inukag feels NEED these things. And he just spent the night with her like fck my shit up ugh. and when Kagome woke up the next morning and realized she was gonna be later and Inu rushed her to get dressed and took her to school for her “test” !!!!!! I COULDNT HE WAS SO HAPPY TO TAKE HER TO SCHOOL AND HAPPILY WAITED FOR HER TO FINISH UP THE SCHOOL DAY AND HE WAS JUST SO PRIDEFUL AND HAPPY AND WANTS KAGOME TO EXCEL BECAUSE HE KNOWS SHE CAN AND THATS WHEN MY HEART BURSTED 

once again thank you so much for this ask, and anyone who read this!! I know its A LOT but i have a LOT of feelings and inukag murders my soul but i love it and now cannot live without it. Thank you for allowing me to pour out all my emotions

#it is a very long descriptive detailed explaination #i have put so much thought into this bc I NEEDED THIS TO BE SAID #thank u so much again anon ily sm <3333 #and anyone who reads this <33333 #anon #aj interacts

[rangerhanna-56-blog]

You're upset bc you got called out on saying something stupid like just man up and say ok I'm wrong I won't do it again sorry like that's all you have to do.... it really is that simple ????

Okay but have you seen my other posts where I said "I'm wrong I get it" "I get it I fucked up"Like I literally acknowledged I fucked up and people still felt the need to send a 17 year old death threats because literally you can't fucking disagree with anyone on this shit website without people attacking you. Like I'm literally being told to kill myself over a sarcastic comment I made and it literally drove me into having a psychotic episode because I literally have multiple psychological problems and I ended up carving awful fucking shit into my body with an actual knife. Like do people on here actually realize when they attack someone, that person might not actually be able to handle being threatened because of something literally so fucking small. I literally went to this person and tried to explain myself and yeah I did it in a petty way and they posted it for literally all their followers to see, but then as soon as I started getting anon hate they were like "but those aren't MY followers". Like how do you ACTUALLY know none of those people aren't your followers tho??? Like do you really think that ur followers are gonna step forward and say "yeah lol I was one of those ppl threatening that girl and saying that her and her family deserve to be killed" legit all because I compared TRUMP to fucking HITLER. Like bitch now that I've had my mental breakdown and I've calmed down a bit I can actually advocate for myself and say I'm allowed to have a differing fucking opinion than someone else and I shouldn't be fucking harassed for it. And idk wtf the whole "white liberalism" thing is when like I've done nothing to show I only care about the white race. Like yeah I'm white but that's literally just it??? Like sorry that I think that history is repeating itself bc THE SIGNS ARE ALL THERE and I have countless people agreeing with me WHO HAVE STUDIED THIS SHIT, that Trump is going to turn this country into something absolutely fucked up (he's literally having neo-nazis work for him like idk how else to fucking make this comparison any clearer???). Like are you just upset bc I compared him to hitler bc that's literally what everyone has been doing and it's annoying or are you literally trying to tell me that there are no similarities between them and that I shouldn't be worried as much as you all should be??? Like as long as you're not a Straight White CIS Christian Male, you're fucked. People are being fucking murdered because of this dude. What I'm trying to say if yeah I'm admitting I fucked up and I literally HAVE BEEN but none of you people people listen so I literally went into full panic mode and caused physical fucking harm to my body that probably requires a doctor to look at (let's be honest im not going to a fucking doctor because if they ask me why all this happened and I tell them it was tumblr discourse, they either won't understand or I'll get the biggest eye roll ever). I literally hope everyone is satisfied with themselves here. Are you happy that you got the "clueless white girl" to finally hurt herself because I hope you are. And the whole thing about me "using my mental illness to manipulate people and make them feel bad for me" is so much bullshit. Yes I had someone take a screenshot btw because I wanted to see how things were playing out. All because you got through this type of shit without support doesn't mean you're a better human being??? This was talked about as if people knew exactly what I suffer from and that it was just me using mild depression or something to excuse the dumb shit I do. And if you haven't fucking noticed yet, I literally just admitted right there that some of the shit I do is in fact dumb.If you want to get into this with me and you really want an explanation I can give it to you because that really isn't half the case. My family literally is full of people who have psychological problems (some of which I don't even know the names of). Just recently my grandfather (a retired police officer) was found hiding in his bedroom from my grandmother with a loaded fucking gun while whispering to it and he was later diagnosed with stage 3 Alzheimer's and he's convinced my grandmother is a member of the Italian mafia sent to assassinate him. I'm not telling you family stories for nothing and I'm sure you guys are gonna have a good laugh about this too because no matter what I say to explain myself I still get treated like shit. Im not even sure if I'm allowed to say this, but if even a team of Harvard Medical Graduates; professionals that people from all around the world seek for help from; can't pinpoint what psychological problems I have, then I shouldn't be given that "trying to manipulate people" shit. A fucking adult said this. If you have any experience with being mentally ill like you say you do, then you know just how fucking difficult it is to properly function and be able to say the right things and advocate for yourself. Do you know how fucking hard it is to fall asleep at night and wake up in the morning knowing that you'll probably have to rely on a caretaker for the rest of your fucking life because you can't make choices for yourself and will need to be under constant supervision so you don't fucking hang yourself one day?? I don't fucking enjoy being a literal walking disease, but thanks for implying that I would ever use it as a fucking tool to get what I want when I want it, you ignorant fuck. You didn't possibly think after screenshotting my mental breakdown that "Hey, someone probably has to have some type of chemical imbalance to type all of this out" before posting it and using it as a prop to get on some fucking high horse. I'm not some mildly depressed idiot fucking white girl who has no clue what happens outside of the cushy walls of my fucking house. I know how fucking horrible and disgusting the human race can be to each other which is part of the reason why I'm like this.I get it! You're so much more fucking smarter than me!!! I'm a stereotypical white western liberal! You caught me red handed! I literally hope that every single one of you have gotten your superiority fix for the day because I've literally had to move blogs because of this. I actually came back to this blog to clean up my mess of posts which is what I do after my episodes, and I happened to notice that one of the anons I had was surprisingly not abuse, but still something bitchy anyway. If you want anything positive to come from me answering this, then I'm just gonna say Thank You for not being like one of the other people who wished death upon me. If you guys still aren't satisfied with this, then I don't fucking know what else to say?? I've explained myself and admitted over and over that I was wrong, but nobody was satisfied until I freaked the fuck out and they got a good laugh out of causing a stupid white girl distress. I'm humiliated now and have pretty much become a laughing stock so yeah. There it is.

[trinitykitten]

BNHA Ideas. Angsty and Gay.

Okay! These are some BNHA Au’s and little ‘skits’ I came up with and have had for a while. I have two more that are far more thought out. I don’t really plan on writing out any of these so feel free to use the ideas! I’d love to see them come to life! I’ll post the other two if people want them.

*Bakugo and Uraraka fighting*

Tsuyu to Todoroki: Unstoppable force meet immovable object.

Midoriya: Both of you stand down now.

*Uraraka and Bakugo grudgingly comply*

Todoroki to Tsuyu: Unstoppable force, immovable object. Meet undeniable order.

———

Angsty one:

Midoriya records the stories of all his classmates and friends.

And a lot of there deaths.

Yeaaahhhhh fucking morbid, but hey. He’s preserving their memory.

Also even better if he becomes a villain.

———

Animatic:

Girls/Girls/Boys

Tsuyu Ochako Izuku

I think this one explains itself.

———

YUTS Midoriya plays a prank on Endeavour he calls the “Christmas Carol” prank.

He gets Hino to be past, Nana present, and Rei future. Christmas Day Endeavour gets a special visit. Todoroki is informed, probably after he notices his father panicking, that this is a Christmas present from the ghosts and Midoriya.

OKAY BUT HOW DID NO ONE MAKE THIS YET ITS TO PERFECT.

———

Kohei Horikoshi as a BNHA character.

Quirk: Guiding flame

His quirk allows him to manipulate the world and people around him as if he were writing them in a story. Limitations are that the “rewrites” have to already be possible and he can not change the past no matter how much he may want to.

Horikoshi seems to like fire quirks a lot so I put a nod to that in naming his would be quirk.

———

1-A fights for Deku’s love but Shinsou pops up and joins in.

They set up a tournament style thing with trivia and obstacle courses. Eventually they all just start arguing over the results and how it’s unfair and doesn’t mean anything.

Then Deku, who has been trying to get there attention this whole time, is told to decide who gets to be his boyfriend/girlfriend and he just yells “IM AROMATIC YOU IGNORAMUSES.”

They are all shocked the precious bean called them dumb but more saddened by the knowledge they never had a chance to begin with.

———

“Todoroki you bitch get back here!”

Uraraka “W-was that??? DID DEKU JUST CALL TODOROKI A BITCH??”

Todoroki running for his life “Can we PLEASE focus on calming him down?!??!!??”

Uraraka “If even Deku is cursing you out you probably don’t deserve being saved from his wrath.”

Bakugou hiding under a couch “Bitch your on your own try not to fucking die.”

———

Soulmarks AU:

People are connected with soulmarks which are pictures of animals like bunnies or deer and such. To differentiate between different ‘Clans’ all people within a group have the same animal with the same colors. It is possible to be apart of several groups though it’s extremely rare to be connected to more than three groups. Groups consist of ‘Watchers’ and ‘Followers’. Watchers take care of their followers physical and mental health and followers are extremely loyal and protective of their watchers.

Watchers are not necessarily stronger or older than their followers but they are often empathetic, or have leadership qualities. Many clans stay together or stay in touch most of their lives. Some even work together as heroes or in gangs.

———

Todo, Deku, Uraraka, Iida, and Bakusquad are hanging out in the dorms. Bakugo went to bed at 8:30 like the nerd he is.

Ashido: Hey Mido, why does Bakugo seem to hate you so much? What happened?

Deku: Oh I think it’s mostly because I dumped him.

Denki: Wait, WHAT.

Uraraka: You dumped HIM?

Todo: You dated him?

*Iida, Ashido, and Hanata in shook silence*

Kirishima: Dude you need to explain a bit more than that.

Deku: *eyes shining with manic glee* Middle school was fun.

Kirishima: Maybe be a little more specific?

*Text from Baku* : I sense a disturbance.

Everyone starts freaking out while Deku just starts texting back : I was wondering, does your dislike of me have anything to do with getting absolutely overthrown in middle school?

Baku: Fuck you. No. I’m not that petty I just wanna destroy the competition.

Deku: I’m competition? I’m flattered!

Baku: Whatever nerd. When you gunna ask out IcyHot?

Deku: When you gunna stop hitting Kiri and just ask him out?

Baku: NIGHT BITCH.

———

Trans!Bakugo

His parents are fashion designers in canon so to add a bit to that they make more androgynous cloths and things like sports wear including some top of the line sports bras and jackets.

———

Midoriya attempts to get Aizawa off coffee onto hot chocolate instead. (With help from Mic and Midnight)

He starts bringing coffee to Aizawa in the mornings at the dorms because ‘I made to much and figured you want some’ he just keeps doing this until it’s expected. He also slowly starts changing what he brings to be more hot chocolate than not. Mic and Midnight help this along by swapping Aizawa’s own coffee out with a mixture Midoriya made of coco powder and coffee grounds.

Eventually after like three months he walks up to Aizawa in the teacher dorms and hands him a big hot chocolate with wiped cream and says “here’s your coffee.” In deadpan while the other teachers giggle in the background.

Aizawa who immediately figures out what’s happened just takes it and says thanks. Making Mic start laughing like a maniac.

———

Midoriya

Quirk: Split.

It lets him ‘split’ himself creating clones of himself that represent different sides of himself. This includes ‘Sunshine boy’ ‘Deku’ ‘Villain’ ‘Hero’ and ‘Nerd’.

‘Sunshine Boy’ or Midori is the child like caring side that gets the other sides to get along.

Deku is the depressed one that, after meeting his new friends at UA starts to basically turn into Amajiki.

Villain who goes by Midoriya is like Monoma and is kinda crazy. He’s also the second smartest of the group.

Hero responds to Izuku and ‘HELP ME’ (hehe jokes) he’s the super determined one that runs at danger without realizing to save anyone. He’s kinda an idiot.

Nerd likes to be called Izu and is the smartest and the one that generally keeps the others in check. He is analysis and knows everything there is to know about every hero and villain he is aware of. Which is basically all of them.

They sometimes only come out a few at a time which lets the others influence change their personalities slightly.

An example being if only Deku and villain ‘came out’ they would be really chill. Deku just being a bit shyer than Midoriya usually would be and Villain having a shorter fuse.

- Villain (Midoriya)

Is a huge dork and would rather cause wide spread inconvenience and petty theft of snacks rather than actually hurting anyone due to the efforts of Midori and his therapist. Midori is pretty much the only one he listens to and is the one who first got through to the big old tsundere.

———

Deku does a flip off the roof and starts haunting Bakugo to make sure he becomes the number one hero. That his punishment. Atone you don’t have a choice.

Everyone else can see Deku when he wants to be seen, he chooses to let Bakugo see him most of the time. Turns out broccoli boi had a quirk. That quirk is called haunt. It lets him hang around some and keep track of his mother and the Bakugous because they where the only people he really knew and cared about when he was alive. He hangs out with his mom some times when he can but mostly he sticks to watching Bakugo and his new friends.

When Bakugo gets kidnapped he’s pretty sure Deku will just float around and watch to see how it goes like normal but instead he flips out. He wasn’t teleported with Bakugo cause he flitted off to help Kota, this lead to him not being able to get through the portal in time. So he makes himself known and basically drags Aizawa and All Might to where he is. He goes to Bakugo ahead of the heroes and frets and fusses about his precious Kacchan severely confusing the villains because “Why can’t I hit this kid?!??”. Deku had been becoming more protective of the class but after that basically decides 1A is now his adopted family and devotes himself to keeping them out of trouble.

———

Deku is a mob boss but runs it really well and takes care of his employees. Then on the side he’s taking out super villains and dealing with media drama. He’s got different people running different things; Todoroki, Bakugou, Uraraka, Iida, and Tsu help take care of organization, distribution, security, and resources. While the rest of the class has slightly lower and more specialized roles but are still in charge of their respective programs. Some by themselves while others work in groups of two or three.

1A are all apart of ‘security team A’

Most of them have other jobs they do within the mob but some, like Bakugo work full time in the security team. The A team work as bodyguards for the ones in charge while in public and they all work together to take out strong villains and especially villain organizations.

So there working on taking out the Eight precepts of death and they decide they’re gunna need some outside help with it. So Izuku, being the all knowing people person that he is in this Au calls Aizawa up on his phone and asks if he wants to help destroy a villain organization. Aizawa thinks it’s sketchy as fuck but he goes anyway and is extremely confused when this LITERAL CHILD. Yes a FIFTEEN YEAR OLD BOY. Just walks up like “Hello my name is Midoriya Izuku.” And Aizawa is even more confused because This is apparently the guy that owns most of the fucking city. Izuku is having none of the “your a literal child how are you CEO of so many businesses” and he just replies with “When you own the mob the mob does things for you.” And turns around to walk down the street towards where Bakugo and Todoroki are waiting with a tinted window car and fully decked in suit tie and so many god damn weapons it’s ridiculous you can’t actually see any of them. So of course Aizawa is n o t getting in the car with a bunch of shady fifteen year olds that may or may not be affiliated with the mob. “Alright what do you want from me.”

Izuku explains Eri’s situation and somehow convinces Aizawa to help and he eventually just kinda joins the mob as an unofficial babysitter for all of them.

———

The “Midoriya saved us from low key pedophile villains” club

It’s just Bakugou, Kota, and Eri.

———

Let her go

Post BakuDeku

Baku sad cause Deku is either dead or a villain.

———

Symphony of... Delay idea

In an exercise both classes are apart of everyone gets into pairs of two, trying to last as long as possible against the rest of the two classes. It’s basically a giant man hunt in one of the bigger training areas. However, to make it more fair on the pairs that have to run away and defend themselves, the classes where given two weeks to prepare a strategy and gear. Todoroki and Midoriya of course team up and come to the brilliant conclusion they’re going to become a dark souls boss and totally screw everyone over.

They recruit Mei to make them extra warm winter outfits that still let them fight. Then they get to work on making Todoroki’s ice more precise with Mido boosting it. They also ask Recovery girl about the energy gummies she has after checking they could bring snacks. After asking Aizawa if he had any suggestions as to where they could practice a particularly large and blatantly obvious “Move” they where trying to perfect Aizawa got them a pass to one of the training grounds that weren’t being used at the moment. Aizawa was (though he’d never admit it) kinda exited to see this play out. It was going to be hilarious.

The day of reckoning. Todo and Mido went last. Everyone was given breaks in between each persons turn which lasted from a minute to ten minutes each. Though the breaks weren’t particularly short, they had been doing this all day and where getting tiered by then. A couple people where cocky due to the last pair seeming distracted earlier. Someone had seen the two arguing and it made it even easier to doubt them.

That was a mistake.

Todoroki and Midoriya’s plan included this:

- Act like they’re not working together properly.

- Go in to the area as far away from the starting point as possible.

- Midoriya boosts Todo’s ice and they frost the entire area.

- Ice palace.

- Todoroki sitting on a throne in the main hall with Midoriya on a balcony behind him playing the Boss Music which consists of different boosts he can use on Todoroki the ice king : New Dark souls boss.

- Midoriya of course snacking on energy gummies and using offensive music against anyone who gets to close to his perch.

Chaos ensues.

———

Midoriya, Shinsou, and Todoroki’s spirit animal: Scotty Sire

Mido: Mister Glassman

Toshi: awkward

Todo: Notice me

[malcolmteller-blog]

[HORROR] Things on the Internet

You never imagine that strange things will or even could happen to you, when you live a life like mine. Me? It’s been cookie cutter and bland, all the way through. When I was in high school, I never had any amazing, formative adventures or experiences like you see in all the TV shows and movies. It was just this boring slog of go to school, go to class, come home, play video games, go to bed, wake up, repeat. Same deal with university - go to class, come home, hang out on the Internet, study, and repeat.

So you can imagine how surprised I was when, at the ripe old age of twenty-four, when I was working at a bookstore after I’d graduated from university, the strangest things in the world started to happen to me.

I should explain why I was where I was at. I graduated at the age of twenty-two with a largely useless degree in Political Science. I had no real connections or relevant work experience, so off to retail I went. I may not have achieved my full potential, but I still had to pay the bills, y’know? Be honest with you, I was pretty much aimless at that point. I knew I wanted more, and I guess I knew deep down that I could be more, but I didn’t know how to achieve it.

Then I found Chatroom Pandemonium.

See, I’d never really had a lot of friends. Well, I’ll just come out with it: I was kind of a loser. Still am. So, I sought refuge on the Internet. By the time all this started to happen, I’d be spending tons of hours on it every night, just reading on my various interests for hours, in addition to streaming Netflix and reading comic book scans.

It was on a March evening that I somehow - I can’t remember how, now - stumbled upon an odd website. It was said in a number of these alt-culture message boards to be ‘the most amazing thing ever’ and ‘everything a person could want’. I go there, and… nothing. Blank, black page. ‘Bullshit,’ I muttered to myself, and navigated away. I then decided to watch some Netflix, so I streamed one of those popular superhero shows for three hours then turned my computer off and went to bed.

I slept peacefully, and woke up early - oddly early, given I’d only gone to bed like three hours before. It was three in the morning, and the first thing I noticed was that my computer was on. It was so strange, because I knew I’d turned my monitor and tower off before I went to bed. How could it just turn itself on? But there was something else - it was on the page that I’d closed before, the one where there was nothing on it. Only now, there was a text box there. I slowly got out of bed and walked over to my desk and sat down, squinting my eyes as I leaned in to read what was on the screen. I soon understood that it was a box for me to type a username into to chat in a chatroom, one called ‘Chatroom Pandemonium’.

So, very much curious, I did so. I entered the name “JohnTheMonk” (an old handle of mine from when I was in high school) and clicked ‘JOIN’.

Chatroom prompt shows up, and I noticed it only had one other person in it. His handle was THE_BELIEVER. To make this go simpler, I’ll type up the chatlog and intersperse it with my own feelings and reactions that I had at the time.

THE_BELIEVER: Welcome:)

Now, I had no idea who this guy was, but I was mildly curious. So, I decided to spark up a conversation.

JOHNTHEMONK: hey, sup

I waited a few minutes - oddly long, where chatrooms are concerned (at least in my experience). Finally, he responded.

THE_BELIEVER: im happy youre here. i can tell already that youre a special one

Now, this got me kind of creeped out. I mean, this guy didn’t even know me, but he was saying all this stuff about me?

JOHNTHEMONK: umm..okay.

His next response came immediately.

THE_BELIEVER: im going to come see you. then we’ll have a real good time :)

At this point, I’m basically like “K, fuck this.” So I just logged off, closed the browser, and went back to bed. Didn’t even say goodbye. As far as I was concerned, that was the end of it.

Except it wasn’t.

I woke up a few hours later, got up and showered, got dressed, the whole deal, and went to work. Day went by pretty casually. It was just boring, you know? Bland with not much happening, same as usual for my life. Customers come in, ask about books, I ring them through the cash register, I socialize with my co-workers, that deal.

So I get off work in the evening and I’m walking home. Then my phone dings, so I check it. It’s from a private number and it reads, “it was really rude of you to leave the chatroom without saying goodbye.”

What. The. Fuck.

How the fuck did this asshole get my number? This was getting really scary, and I wasn’t okay with it. But I had no idea how to find out how he got my number, so I just set my phone to not accept texts or phone calls from private numbers. I also resolved to strongly consider changing my phone number later on.

Here’s the thing, though: it didn’t end there.

I was at the comic shop a week later, looking to get a certain item. That’s when the next phase of things started happening.

“Hey,” I asked the clerk who was standing behind the counter, “Do you guys happen to have the latest Hellblazer trade?”

The clerk nodded, pointed out where that title is usually kept, and off I went. I get there and I’m scanning the shelf, and then… then I heard something.

“I haven’t forgotten you.”

It was a thin, small, kind of high-pitched voice. I jumped, kind of, and looked around quickly. No one was around me. Then I heard it speak again.

“I hope you haven’t forgotten me.”

I looked around more. No one there.

I was getting freaked out at this point, so I needed to get out. So I did. Before I knew it, I was out the door and pounding down the sidewalk, trying to shake this. Now I was hearing things? The hell?

But it didn’t stop. The voice kept talking. “I’m going to be there soon, and we’re going to have so much fun.” It sounded almost giddy.

How did I feel at the time? Well, my heart was pounding, and my blood was pumping, and I felt completely on edge - goosebumps all over. What the hell was going on? Two possibilities: something from beyond (as crazy as that sounded) was stalking me, or my mental state was broken. Neither was a comforting thought.

As I walked and desperately tried, and failed, to ignore the voice speaking more and more into my ears and head, I tried to work this out. This all started with that chatroom, and that started with all the postings on the Internet that were gushing about that URL. Nothing about that site had been normal or typical. First time I go there, it’s a blank page. Then my computer and monitor turn on by themselves and navigate back to the website, by themselves, where now it’s a chatroom login page.

This didn’t make any sense, and it was scary as hell. I was on edge the entire walk transit commute home, especially because this voice just would not shut the fuck up. The entire bus ride, it kept telling me all excited how it was gonna come see me and how I’d be ‘changed for the better’ and how ‘pain can be beautiful, and you’ll find that out too’ and all other sorts of horrifying shit. When I got home, I immediately dug out my headphones, put them on and plugged them into my phone and turned on some music to max volume to drown out what I was hearing. It worked.

So, what to do? After some thought, I guess I convinced myself that this had to be a mental health crisis. Like many people, my mind defaulted to the ‘logical’ explanation. I wasn’t at the point where I could convince myself that this was an actual spiritual entity. I just wasn’t wired that way.

So, long story short, I made an appointment with my doctor, got some meds, and everything quieted down. No more voices. At that point, I was satisfied - everything was fine and good, and so was I.

So, back to my boring old life. I went back to the drudgery that was work, while also trying to think on how I could improve my life. Maybe I could go to grad school. Maybe I could try to, somehow, launch a career based on the qualifications and credentials I had now.

So, one night, a week or so later, I was doing web searches for job postings and internships I could possibly take up when I heard something from my living room. I looked at my slightly open door and focused my ears. It was… my TV? How could my TV be on? I specifically remembered having turned it off when I got home that day.

So, I walked out to the living room and checked the TV. It was on to a channel of static. Idly picking up the remote control from the coffee table, I started changing the channel. All static.

‘Well, shit,’ I thought to myself. I immediately assumed it was a problem with the cable company. So I slid my phone out of my pocket to call them, when… I heard the voice.

“You keep running from me, Michael,” it said. My eyes immediately went wide with fear, my blood running cold and freezing inside of me. I, frozen in place in a mix of abject terror and shock, looked up at the TV, which now had a figure on it. It held a basic humanoid shape, but it… it couldn’t be human. Though the figure was largely cloaked in shadows and darkness, I could see its shape. Its head looked misshapen, like there were horns or something coming out of it. As well, the way the sides of its head looked… it looked as if the skin was ridged or something. Logically, the immediate conclusion would be that this was an elaborate prank, but deep down I knew - I knew - that it wasn’t. This was real, and horrifyingly so. I could write off the texts. I could even write off this. But I couldn’t write off the combination of this and the texts and the voice speaking to me out of thin air.

As I dwelt on this, the figure on the TV continued speaking. “I’m going to be arriving soon,” it said, with a happy edge to its voice, “real soon. We’re going to have so much fun then.”

Then the TV switched off. After a moment of me standing there dazed, I hesitantly turned it back on, and it turned on to the standard TV service, like nothing had changed.

This was the point where I decided to go to work figuring out what was going on. I spent the next three days, all day, reading up on that website, what people had said or written about it. After a day, I found one piece of information that I found really helpful. I’ve decided to copy and paste it here:

POSTED BY: TheNightMan Lots of people wonder about what the Pandemonium website leads to, because it appears as different things to different people. But those who have gotten through… well, different things happen. One person got through, and according to reports, months later murdered his entire family before killing himself, but not before talking online about having contacted something. Others report friends or family getting through and talking to people - or figures, whatever they are or whoever they are - and then shortly after their mental state undergoing a rapid deterioration until they had to be institutionalized. Then there’s the murders. One person reported being stalked by some figure from that site, online and in their dreams, until one day their remains - their ripped apart, torn apart - remains were found in their apartment, with no leads on who did it. So, the question remains: who or what is behind the website? I found one lead, in the writings of some hackers from the early nineties who were involved in the occult. It’s… well, it’s batshit crazy, but I feel the need to include it. One guy, who called himself ‘a Cyber-Mystic’, says that there exists spirits - demons, entities, whatever - that exist online, wholly online, in the electronic signals sent to and from across computer networks. Then, when they want to, they show up in the real world. Crazy? Yeah. But I’ve tried to figure out what else could be at work here, and I’m all fuckin’ out of ideas.

It was crazy and insane, but it wouldn’t leave my mind. Now, I should describe my mental and emotional state at this point. At the end of the three days of researching, finding out what I just laid out and other possible ways out of this crisis (but none that I was really all that certain would work), I was just fucked up. That’s the best way to put it. I couldn’t sleep. Every small noise made me jump. My heart was constantly pounding its way out of my chest and I’d never been so afraid. Nights were a terror to get through, because every small bump in the night made me certain that this, this thing had finally shown up to come get me.

It all came to a head two days after I finished doing my research. I was getting ready for bed, and had just finished crying my eyes out in utter terror because I was so terrified that I was fucked with absolutely no hope. I had just finished doing minor chores and other stuff around my room, and had crawled into bed. I shut my eyes and tried to force myself to go to sleep. An hour passed, and I was still awake. As I was starting to despair of ever sleeping again, I… I heard it. A very, very loud sound like a rushing of wind and flame. I opened my eyes and saw in front of my bed this column of flame, that lit up my entire room. Then it disappeared, and, well, there it was. The thing that had been stalking me. I can’t describe it. It was so monstrous, so horrifying. Its long claws, and its razor sharp teeth that dripped blood, and its skin with ridges all over. My heart was pounding so hard I was afraid I was gonna have a heart attack any minute, and I knew - I knew - that this was it. I was done. It was gonna kill me, or take me back to where it was from, or what the fuck ever, and at that moment I wished that I had been a religious person so I could have some protection.

It tried to move forward, to crawl onto my bed to get me. It tried. But it stopped. Something was stopping it.

I realized what happened, and my fear disappeared. Son of a bitch, I thought to myself, the seal worked.

As it shoved itself against the invisible barrier more and more, presumably trying to figure out what the fuck was going on, I felt relief flood through me that that protective measure I’d found in my research on all this had actually worked. First I grinned. Then I laughed - a confident, mocking laugh. I was safe! Then I decided to push my luck. I spoke the incantation of the Mother’s Heart, and just like I expected, the demon was engulfed in bright, vicious blue flame. Its screams sounded like nothing I’d ever heard before. If I had to try and describe it, I’d say try to imagine the cry of a lion mixed with a high-pitched scream, but even that isn’t really close. I watched, my eyes wide open and this big ass smile on my face, as this thing flailed and threw itself against the invisible barrier in all directions, the blue flame eating away at its skin and form. Finally, after a few minutes, it fell to the ground - dead.

I slowly got out of bed and crept over to the corpse. I looked at it. It looked ugly as fuck, to be honest - I mean, not only was it ugly when it was alive, but now it was burned to death. As I looked down at it, I noticed that its flesh wasn’t just burned, it was burned well enough that it was cooked. As I smelt its roasted smell - something like steak - I got an idea. Like, okay, it was a really, really fucked up idea, but equally cool. After as few moments of consideration, I - with a giant smile on my face - went to work putting it into action.

Anyways, now it’s the evening of St. Patrick’s Day, and everything’s fine. I didn’t even have to dispose of the body, it just dissolved into white powder by itself within twenty four hours. That considered, it’s a real good thing I managed to cut off a bunch of the meat from the bones before it all dissolved. You’re probably wondering how the demon meat tasted. Honestly? Like fish. Weird, right? But, hey, now I can say that I’ve done something nobody’s ever done.

But some weird stuff has happened. I feel great - real great. Better than I’ve ever felt in my entire life, than I ever imagined I could feel. Some other stuff, too. My eyes have been changing colour, and I’ve started to notice odd ridges and bumps showing up beneath my skin. I suppose I should be concerned, maybe even scared, but for some reason I can’t find it within myself to give a damn.

So, that’s how my past while has been. How about yours?

[no-platform]

Objectsexuality/Objectphilia Part 1

Eli: Hi, I hope this is OK, but I friended you because I was curious to ask about your husband after you mentioned your relationship in the group.

I have tried to look this up on forums etc but it seems that there is not a good platform for people to discuss objectsexuality/objectphilia without trolls coming in and spoiling it

If you prefer not to be "interviewed" by a stranger, I totally understand!

Sacha: No its totally ok ive been waiting i replies to your comment the other day must not have seen it....i like being interviewed actually it gives someone a chance to learn from me not some news story...im heading to work but feel free to message me any questions and ill answer when im free....know ahead my work schedule is all ocer the place so if it takes awhile im not ignoring you.....have awesome day thanks for genuine interest this  is rare

Eli: Okay, awesome!!! I have a weird work schedule too so I totally understand. I'll try to think of the questions I want to ask and just reply whenever you feel like it. Maybe since you want people to know about it I could post the convo anonymously (or not anonymously, whatever you want) on tumblr or something... Or maybe a summary or something... I have encounters like this a lot where people want to show some aspect of them that is often misrepresented, and there's no place to do so... maybe I should start a tumblr for just those kinds of interviews. But otoh if you want to keep it just between us that's fine too.

I have been curious about objectsexuality/philia for a long time since I heard it mentioned in a documentary, but they only showed the lady and her hubs for like 1 second and didn't treat it very well imo.

Sacha: Feel free to share i like to think im a modern day teacher representing us i e done interviews with a board of psychologists before too...all i ask is an open mind

Eli: And also my [redacted-- interpersonal relationship type]'s other partner was a [redacted-- object].

Sacha: =)

Awesome

Eli: Haha @ board of psychologists, good for them but that's kind of funny to me in a way. Were you there for a different reason or just because they were doing research on sexuality/relationships?

Sacha: This is hubby

Eli: How big is he?

Sacha: They just wanted to learn

Eli: (Do you use male pronouns for your husband?)

Sacha: Hes about. Nine inches tall...i call him he but see him as duel sex in Dr who the matrix(inner workings or heart) of the tardis (timema hine) is female so the outside is male with female characteristics

Eli: Someone once interviewed me for their doctoral thesis on people who have [redacted-- gory historical event] as a special interest (it's my main special interest). Apparently there are lots of us. Other than that, haven't had much chance to be psychologically interviewed even though I was inpatient for psych.

(Hope that doesn't sound scary haha, I'm a pacifist. Just interested in the psychology.)

(And like, the events. Like WWII people.)

Sacha: Thats when i was interviewed i have had five inpatient stays....one of which diagnose me aspie...i also have four other mental illnesses

Im heading out ill respond when i can so go ahead and send stuff as you think of it you wont bother or offend me

Have good day

Eli: I have [redacted-- list of physical and mental diagnoses].

Partners-wise, I am in a poly family. I have two human partners (one cis male and one ftm), and one of them (my cis male partner) has another partner (cis female gf). There is also another one of us who is not technically anyone's partner but is more like all of our "child". We come from a range of different psychologies/neurologies. So, that's a little about my background.

>Hes about. Nine inches tall...i call him he but see him as duel sex in Dr who the matrix(inner workings or heart) of the tardis (timema hine) is female so the outside is male with female characteristics

Unfortunately I've never seen any Dr. Who so I'm concerned that this will be a barrier for me understanding... if there is a certain episode or compilation that you would like me to watch I would be happy if you sent me a link. Or maybe a site about it or something. One of my partners is a fan but I never got into it b/c I don't watch much live action TV (confuses me easily-- bad prosopagnosia and other autism-related issues in understanding it-- and I think the timeline aspect would make Dr. Who even harder for me).

but I understood what you said about dual sex.

So, is that matrix what the heart is on him in the picture? Did you/someone else put that heart on there, or did he come like that?

Speaking of "coming like that", how did you meet him?

Sacha: The episode explaining the heart or soul of the tardis is called "the drs wife" in it an alien takes over the tardis and puts the matrix into a human body and throughout the episode the dr and tardis interact as face to face (instead of him talking to the machine itself which hes does often. It also explains how the dr has a telepathic link to the tardis they're thoughts are one. I believe in animism(everything has a soul) and to me blue (his name i call him...short for bob blue) i believe he talks to me telepathicly his soul i mean the machine is the vessel for the his soul just like in that episode....therapists cannot explain what the voice is but he has spoken to me from day one......the heart i made myself and added it it didnt come like that i just like the symbolism of him having a heart as it both relates to myself (we often cuddle heart to heart) and represents. Both heart of the tardis and life itself it gives him an outer appearance of the life he has inside(his soul or energy) i met him by accident i ordered him on ebay he shipped all the way over from England...and the minute i took him out of the box and held him in my hands i felt. His soul speak to me and a warm energy flow from him to me. I also just found him attractive both visually and sexually....hope this helps feel free to ask more questions

Eli: > I believe in animism(everything has a soul)

oh okay that makes sense then

so did you have this sexual/romantic identity before you met him, were you open to it but didn't label it, or neither?

like how did you start using this label

objectsexual/objectophile

Sacha: Yes since very young...just didnt know it had a name til a friend recommended a documentary on it about a woman who loved the eiffel tower...its called to love a tower....thats when i knew it had a name and started using it as an identifier...that was about five yrs ago right around when i met blue

Eli: i think i've seen a clip of that, but i didn't know it was a whole documentary

do you feel sentimental when you see other tardises b/c they look like him? and/or is the attractive quality something that's either invisible to the common eye (spiritual in nature) or specific to him and his own construction as a particular object

visually attractive quality i mean

idk if that makes sense. like you know how some ppl find their partner attractive in and of themself visually and some people mostly bc they love the person [redacted-- me describing my history of sexual attraction to a person] i'm wondering how this all fits in when there are many other things that are similar looking to your husband Sacha: I do find other tardises attrative and feel same love for them as i do him hes just a smaller version the tardis i love any tardis i see and would have sex with it in a heartbeat but only get spiritual feelings with blue Eli: i see are they sexually attractive BECAUSE of blue or would they be anyway also this is going to be hard to phrase... do you believe he is the object itself, or is he located in or animating the object. like, my [redacted-- interpersonal relationship type] whose partner was the [redacted-- object], it wasn't really literally the [object] itself but the [object] allowed him to "place" his partner, who was invisible, in physical space Sacha: If that makes sense your first person who ive put words to this stuff so bear with me.....  Sexually attractive because of blue but im attracted to the construction of the tardis itself no matter the size Eli: okay i get you Sacha: I believe he his soul is in the object so im in love with his soul but also the object itself....but i see blues soul as without bounds the object holds it but he is also one with me that is my symbolism of our marriage its our two souls becoming one. We talk mentally constantly even when hes not physically with me....but the object gives him a body something to cuddle or kiss or make love to etc. Eli: okay, i see how do your friends and family treat the relationship i see he has a FB page *and possibly family Sacha: Hope im making sense and not freaking you out....my mom accepts as do my friends...it's actually a way to gauge a friends true feelings if they cant accept it then theyre free to leave...i gave him a page and i run things on it for him but it hasn't been used in awhile cause i cant get into his account lost passwords. But to me he is legit a husband in every way i wear a wedding band and engagement rings and we do all the things couples usually do and if someone cant accept it there's. The door i say because i love him and will defend my relationship to the end Eli: no you're not freaking me out, it's making sense so far Sacha: Good the he talks to me part is usually what scares someone away....theyre ok with it til it gets weird when i mention he speaks or we have sex they run the other way Eli: hahaha i figured that's part of it bc you're married... Sacha: Lol yes its a Beautiful part of it to me very spiritual experience akin to meditation Eli: how about therapists and stuff, are they OK with it or do they want you to change itand have you ever gotten into any kind of "trouble" for it with doctors/psych people Sacha: No my current therapist is actually fascinated by it and loves learning and he sees it as a coping mechanism or part of my spirituality...he wanted to analyze the voice blue uses to figure it out and i refused i said i dont care what it is if its physchosis or whatever i wont let you analyze it away from me and he was cool with that saying it was fair...i havent gotten in trouble blue actually helped me get diagnosed aspie i bring him everywhere accept work so he went to hospital with me and they asked me about him which led to an interview with a specialist who said I had asd...and they've been fascinated enough to interview me twice on two seperate stays to a group of students....im actually ecstatic people are curious about it and want to learn non of my experiences so far have been negative Eli: i have to go take care of something but i'll read and continue later, ty Sacha: All good have a good nite Glad i can help I'll be here Eli: =) that's awesome that people have been receptive. interesting that that got you dx'ed re: analyze, curious what he wanted to do you mean like psychologically analyze, or like, sonically Sacha: Psychological --- [to be continued?]

#objectsexual #objectophilia #objectophile #objectsexuality